WHOA That's Good Podcast - Relationship Red Flags

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Sadie speaks with her sister Bella Robertson Mayo about her new book of poetry, "My Greenhouse." Bella talks about how her journaling turned into poetry and why she decided to write the book. They discuss the good and the bad of relationships, warning signs to watch for, and how to be intentional when looking for a spouse. They also give advice on moving on after a relationship has ended and share the most important thing to know about closure. - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, well that's good to fail. I'm so excited for this very special episode. We have a very special guest in the house. This is her second time on the Well That's Good Bye, guys. And this time she's coming with a brand new book, Migrant House Poetry book. We have the author right here. It is Bella Mayo. What? I'm so excited to be the audience. We need a live audience. Oh, no, it's actually really funny too because I was like going to say Bella Rob and then I was like, Bella Mayo,

like you have a new last name. I know, it's so exciting. That is like the perfect timing too. It's the perfect timing and I actually love when I was reading the book how it says like, Mayo at the top. I know, it's so fun. It's like so different and like every time I even see it I'm like, wow, it's so sweet. It's so sweet. Well we're gonna have a great conversation. This is also

Bella's birthday week. What up? So birthday week. We got a book coming out and she's just turning 19. And so you've accomplished a lot in your young years of life. Um, I have to say when I was reading this book, I was absolutely shook. Y'all, like, I am not a poetry reader. I've never read a poetry book. And honestly, like, I just didn't know, like, I knew I was going to like it because you wrote it, obviously. But I didn't know how I was going to relate to every single page. Like, you said, I don't want people to think about me. And I was like, I'm going to think about you. Like, you said, I don't want people to think about me and I was like, I'm gonna think about you.

Like, I know you, I know your story. I did it. I thought about me. Like, I thought about the things of walk through the people that have been in relationships with and you just crushed it. I mean, I wish that these cameras were on me whenever I was actually reading the book because I went through every emotion.

I literally started out and I was like, this is so sweet. And then I was like, oh my gosh. Then I was like mad out and I was like, this is so sweet. And then I was like, oh my gosh. Then I was like mad. Then I was like, are you kidding me? And I was laughing out loud because you're a savage. And then I was like, yes, hope for a future. Then I was like, no, we're going back.

Then I was like, no, we're moving forward. Like it was just like all the emotions. And I just loved it. And could not sing more praises. I got on Instagram and just told everyone how awesome it was. And I'm like, please nobody think that I'm saying this because she's my sister. This is actually an incredible, incredible book

and it is an incredible story. Before we deeply dive into this, first I want to ask you, you know, we have to ask a piece of advice. So give us a piece, the best piece of dating advice you've ever been given considering this is a book about love. I think that I was thinking about this before because we talked about it earlier and I think that like my best piece of dating advice is actually break up advice which sounds weird but I feel like a lot necessary. A lot of dating. There's like one that ends up not breaking up but a lot of them do.

Yep, that way. And I think so many questions I get asked like people message me on Instagram. Like what's your best break up advice? Because so many people are dealing with it and it's so hard and that's exactly why I wrote this book because I was there in that dark place. And so I think that my best piece of breakup advice is that you can't wait for closure or an apology. You can't wait for it. You have to take it upon yourself to move on and let Jesus help you through it.

And like, just dive into your relationship with God and you have to like move on yourself. You can't wait for someone to like choose to move on. You can't wait for someone to have closure on yourself. You can't wait for someone to like choose to move on. You can't wait for someone to have closure with you. You can't wait for that apology because a lot of times it's not going to come. And you can't beg for it. You just have to trust and go and move on yourself and take that upon yourself. No, I think that's amazing advice.

You actually even wrote about that in the book about how you waited for like a couple of months and you were like, super, I wanna say like anxious and like still really sad. And then like, it's crazy how the words, I'm sorry, like freed you in a moment. Which was a beautiful thing in the book to read that like, I'm sorry, I freed you, but it was also like an understanding of like,

I didn't have to waste a couple of months waiting for an I'm sorry. Because the truth is like she said like, sometimes that sorry never comes, you know, sometimes it happens too much later. In my case, with my story, it happened a few years later until I was like, okay, I got closure. And then I look back and I'm like,

why did I waste two years of wondering and worrying and being anxious over, you know, waiting on words like, I'm sorry, whatever, like I needed to like, God reading the story, not this person coming back into my life. Yeah. And too many times that happens, like too many times it happens that you just end up waiting and waiting and waiting and it never comes. And you're losing these great years that could be awesome, fun years filled with new experiences, new relationships,

and new people, friendships and love and like all of that that you're wasting just waiting for someone else to waiting. Grow up. I'm really sorry. It's you. That needs to just move on. You know. Shish. Don't you snap in the poetry world. Staps. Okay. I have to say I know you probably better than anyone besides your husband and our mom Like we shared a room our whole life. I love doing life with you You're one of my best friends, but whenever I read this book. I could not believe you wrote this book I was like like I talked to you and like like you're deep like you're you're wise like don't get me wrong

I've always known that but this was a different level This was something special. I didn't even know you talked like this like I didn't even know this was a part of you So how did you write this book? How did you even get inspired to write a poetry book? And I know I know you're really deep and like thoughtful, but like how did this happen? Yeah, it's so funny because so many people say that mom has said that my other best friend when she read it She was like you are this deep. And I was like, I know, it's funny because you don't know it. But anyways, when I was in high school,

I was freshman in high school. And I had this deep fear that someone was gonna read my journal. Like, someone, I had this fear like, if someone was gonna read my journal, it was going to be like the worst moment in my life for just had that fear. And so I started to write with no names. So I just started like taking out anyone's name.

He I wrote he she day I wrote I you like I wrote letter form you did this to me and I felt this and I started writing like that. Which in turn just I guess turned into poetry and I didn't even that, which in turn just, I guess, turned into poetry and I didn't even realize it. That's cool. And so I have a whole entire book from the first year I started that, that has not a single name in the whole entire book. Wow.

And it's really funny because before that I was the person who was like, so inside I did this and did it in my journal, but I just had this fear after that. For some reason once I got into high school, someone was going to read it, so I started writing like that. Wow. And actually when I was in eighth grade, I had like a school project to write a poem. And I wrote this poem that won like the school thing. And my English teacher, like was so moved and inspired by it that she wrote it on her arms while she ran a world marathon. It's actually when I talked about in the last, love that podcast.

So that happened and I think I just kind of was like motivated and encouraged. Like my poetry could do this, could inspire someone that much to like feel like they could get through such a hard thing in their life. Like a world marathon, like, if someone could write that on their arms and it make them like help them get it, then like, I wanted to do that forever. For those who didn't listen to the last podcast, can you remind them of what that poem said?

Yeah, um, that poem I wrote said, um, I'm a lion, finding my roar. I was once a shadow, but now I'm much more. I want to longer be silent. I want to longer be still. I'm a lion who found the roar. I was one to shadow but now I'm much more. I want to longer be silent. I want to longer be still. I'm a lion who found the roar. I love that. That was the first show I've ever written. I love that. That's crazy Bella. It's so impressive and most of this book she literally wrote when she was 15 years old and it's crazy because you would think if it's your own doesn't understand love like they don't understand like what you go through. No, no, no, no, let me tell you,

she nailed it for every age. And I think that's the Holy Spirit because you were able to take things at people that are 40 or walking through right now, or 50 or walking through right now. People in their mid 20s, people who are 15, you cover it such a broad group of people. Why my greenhouse?

Why is it called that? A lot of people ask that. And the reason that it's called that is actually in the book, the first opening poem and the closing poem, both talk about the screen house. And my thought on the greenhouse was that you grow, and you grow plants, and you grow all this stuff but one day if you move you have to move it all you know you have to pack it up if it stops growing and all this stuff

if you don't water it if you don't take care of it if you don't nurture it it willts you know and so that was kind of my idea for it so the opening poem says So that was kind of my idea for it. So the opening poem says, my garden, absolutely mesmerizing. I come in, I water you, I shower you with light and sun, all of my days, in order to grow you to your best you. My greenhouse that never stops growing, just like a real life garden, I could look at you all day long. And so that opens the book with all the happiness and joy.

The book goes through five different stages falling in love loving Hardake second chance and heartbreak and so then once you get through the heartbreak It ends on a really hopeful note and so after that closes with the day has come to pack up my greenhouse and move on to the next The child and me kicking and screaming not quite ready to leave its home The mother and me sad but holding a smile knowing it's for the best. And all of me grateful for the days of happiness in my sweet little place and equally grateful for the days of frustration.

As I box up all the sweetest memories, as I box up all the growth and leave behind all the pain, I say goodbye my greenhouse. It's time to plant somewhere new. Dang, and she did. You did put it so I know you got to ring in your fingers. Yeah I do. So that's what I love about the book and we'll talk about I want to go through actually a lot of it but first I want to hit on what you just said I want it to end hopeful and that was like a really important thing for you because a lot of poets your books don't end that way it's's like it in on a really, which I haven't read, but I've heard they in a very like somber note or kind of sad or like what just

happened or I'm totally in my feels note. But you ended with hope. So what was your intention on that? Yeah, my intention on that was actually I really wanted the book to end with that like heartbreak chapter because a lot of relationships do in that way. And so I really the book to end with that heartbreak chapter because a lot of relationships do in that way. And so I really wanted it to end with that heartbreak chapter, but I really wanted that hope at the end because with my story, I know that in that time of heartbreak, I felt so no hope. I felt absolutely no hope. I felt like there was no way. I had no line at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I had no idea how I was going to make it out of this. This was the worst thing that happened to me, which at 16-15 it feels that way, you know? And so I felt that way at that time, but looking at my story like there was hope and like with Jesus, there always is hope. Yeah, and like when you love the Lord and you trust in Him and you serve Him, there is always hope.

And there's always that at the end of the tunnel. No matter what happens, there's always a greater plan for you. And I see that so much with my story. In that moment, I felt so hopeless. And there was a greater plan for me. And there was a bigger story for me. Well, I think when you're that age and you have such a deep relationship or really any age that you have like this great relationship where maybe it's a couple years, you day or you're totally in love and you start talking about marriage, you start talking about your future and you really do visualize yourself with them forever. You envision your kids and your life and where you're going to live and then all of a sudden it's

over. It does feel hopeless because you're like, wait, that was your life and where you're gonna live. And then all of a sudden it's over. It does for hopeless because you're like, wait, that was my life. And then you're like, well, what is my life? And it kind of feels like your life is over because all of your plans were dependent on this relationship saying together. And so I think you're right. That is a very hopeless feeling.

However, like we don't know the end of our story and God does. And like, that's why it's so important to like we don't know the end of our story and God does. And like, that's why it's so important to like choose to go into the next day because every day there's something new and it talks about in the Bible like his mercy is new every single morning. And so every day there's a new opportunity, there's a new chance, there's a new joy, there's a new love, there's a new story waiting for you. And so I love that you did that because I think it's gonna bring girls a lot of hope realizing We've both been there and that feeling of like life is over and we both moved on

Yeah, and because of Jesus before even our guy he redeemed our life restored our life And now we're happily married and thank God we kept going, you know Okay, so we're gonna go through some of the poems in here that I think are just incredible to start, even just what you dedicated it to. And I think this really sums up everything about the book. Everything else I'm gonna let you read, but I wanna read this because I think that this really

takes you into everything. And you said, and to love, you are my worst fear, my greatest dream, what I look forward to, and what I run from. You make me feel every emotion. You can change my mind in a heartbeat. You make me smile and scream, yet I always want you back. And I was like, that is literally it.

That is, like we've all felt that. Like love is our biggest dream, but it's also our worst fear. It's the thing that makes us light up and get in. It's a thing that makes us cry up and get in. It's a thing that makes us cry in our room all alone and makes us feel every emotion but yet like we keep going back because the chance to love is amazing. You know, it's one of life's greatest you know experiences and so I thought that started off the book so well. Um, let's go through some of these. Okay, so let's talk about my one and only.

Okay, my one and only says, people often say you make my world go round. And as much as my semi-melancholic self hates to say it, my quarter-blives self understands what it means. You make skating feel like floating, you make walking feel like dancing, you make running feel like freedom, and you make me love me too. I love that. Yeah. One thing I loved about it was you make me love me too. And I think

that that is a really good thing in relationships. Is that like you want to be the best version of yourself in a relationship. And if you are like falling in love with someone, you should also love who you're becoming. And so I just thought that was a good thing to note. And like in this stage of relationship, it was healthy. Yeah. And when I think when you're found like the right person and someone who's really like good for you and loves you for you, and they're like constantly like seeing those like little things about you that you may not even see.

How you help others, you pick up everyone's play and watch dishes. The way you do that, and they see that, and can call that out and you and say, you are so helpful in caring. And you are exactly what a woman of God should be. And when they tell you that, it makes you want to love your love you too. I think that's where I meant by that. And you make running for freedom, you make walking, you make dancing, you make every little thing that I do feel good.

Easy, and good. Yeah, and that's how it should be in a healthy start to relationship. And I just want to note that because a lot of people ask me dating of ice to and they ask like you know how you know if it's a good relationship and I always like to say well are you healthy how are you doing because a lot of times we get into relationships and like if you're not aware you don't even realize how like all the sudden you're insecure and all the sudden you are like you know like not doing the things that you've always done. Like you're, the things that you're gifted

and you're insecure about now. And like I love that you said like, you loved yourself at that time. That's a good thing. That's a good thing to be like proud of who you are. But it doesn't say that way. They're at the whole book. And I think that's what I wanna know later,

but it did start that way. So let's continue on. So this one, Mamie Cry. So let's continue on. So this one made me cry. This is my greatest privilege. And it made me cry for you, made me cry for me, it made me cry for every girl that's experienced this. And I think that most have. So read it and tell us about it.

Yeah. So my greatest privilege says, the moment you are hurt by the hands of a man, the thought of being in another seems reckless. To fully love you, I had to unlearn the idea. I had so strongly held on to that in a man's arms is a dangerous place. I often say being loved by you is my greatest privilege. And I mean that when I say it, because the gentleness of your touch and the safety of your arms are privileges.

I don't take lightly and whenever I take for granted. So that poem obviously is about being hurt by the hands of a man. And it's also about finding Jacob and like the love of my life and who like makes me feel so safe And it's so gentle with me and so loving to me And the reason I wanted to write that is because like you said like so many people do go through them and like it is Horrible and if you have like I'm so sorry that you went to that that is nothing that anyone should ever have to go through But I do remember after that moment that this story is about is that I remember thinking the next person I'm with, I'm going to

be so careful in choosing, you know. And like I think before that I was kind of just like, oh whoever, whatever. Like I was just kind of on a little dating rampage, like, whoever, whatever. And then I got hurt, hurt bad. And I think when that happened, I was like, no, not anymore. Not anymore while at this happen. For now, it is, I'm going to be so careful in choosing a man of God. Yeah, it's important. And so that is what that kind of is about.

And I think we're going to be important. A lot of people have to deal with that. The thing of like, once you have that happen to you, it's so scary to go into the next relationship, but it doesn't have to be enough. If you choose carefully after that, and you really, really, really like, know what you're getting into.

Like, I love how you say it seems reckless because it's the same thing that hurt you that you're stepping into again, but it's not the same thing. That was one person, that's not every person. That was one man that's not every man. And you might say, well, say to what if, like, what if I don't know how to choose, like, what if I don't know if this person's good? And to be honest, like, sometimes, like, I always say, you can't know based off like what other people have said.

Like, for me, for instance, like, something that happened to me that, you know, whenever I kind of went through this experience, this person that did this to me was, you know, in a past year's family and grew up in church and like everyone loved him. So I would never have even thought and to be honest, that's why I was not on guard. That's why I was like, oh, we'll never hurt me. So I don't have to tell him the things that I would normally tell someone about dating and we don't have to talk about boundaries. And you know, because he knows that. But just because someone knows it doesn't mean someone actually obeys it. And so I think that that's important that you do protect your heart. The Bible says scarred your heart. It's a well

spring of life from everything flows. And so it's like, yeah, you do have to guard your heart. And if you just continue to go into relationship and you don't stop to have important conversations and actually see the person for who they are, you will get hurt. And I'll say too, you could also read this metaphorically. It could also be by the hands of a man as being like emotionally.

People get hurt emotionally so bad that you would have the same reaction. I don't want to get in another one after that. Like I don't want to get in a relationship after that. And like that is reckless too. And like that feels reckless to get in another after you get hurt emotionally like that. So like I will say like even if you haven't gone through this, but you have verbally, emotionally, spiritually, however you feel this, it can be felt in many ways. I love that in the book, you talk about kind of your dating rampage,

which I did that too. And it's like after we had this great love, this person that we really, which we'll talk about later, the one person that we really felt in love with, it was like we were constantly chasing that again. Yeah. Even though it was reckless, even though it hurt us, even though it was bad, we wanted

that love again because once you feel that, you crave that. And that is really what got both of us hurt. And so I think that we need to talk about a key point in dating right now of like if you're going to continue to date, like you have to become a healthier version of yourself before you step into another relationship because a man cannot provide for you the things that only Jesus can. He can't heal your heart.

He can't redeem the story. He can be a part of the redemption story. He can be a part of the healing, but he in and of himself cannot come in and be like your complete God, because he's not God, you know? And the thing too about dating rampages is like, which that's what we're gonna call it,

but dating, like when you go through those like, dating rampages, it's like, they all end at like a abrupt stop. A abrupt, a horrible stop. And it's like, when you hit that, it's like, I'm never doing this again, you know? And it's like, when you hit that, it's like, I'm never doing this again. You know, and it's like, horrible, but it's true. It's like, Sadie had that moment. Like when she was about to take Christian,

like, I am not dating anyone for months because it's like, you get so hurt by so many people that you get to a point where it's just like, I can never do this again. You know, and it feels like that. Like, I will never, ever get in another relationship, which obviously I've done. But the thing is, sometimes they do teach you,

and sometimes they do really, really like, they're able to do me to who I am, to choose Jacob wisely, because honestly, when that all happened, I was like, I'm never dating again. I was like, I'm never dating again. I was like, I'm not dating for years. Like, I just don't even want to think about it. And it was like another year and a half before I met Jacob.

But like, when I met Jacob, I was like, okay. Like, I think like this is what, like I've been waiting on. You know? And like, I think that, like, say you said, like, I was the same way. Like, I fell in love with someone and when they hurt me, I was like, I don't even care about like that love anymore. I just want to do whatever I want.

I want to, day whoever I want, I want to get, I want to just want to, you know, I just went into this crazy rampage of just like, I don't want to think about that. I want to think about anything else but that, you know. And I think people that do a lot of it things. You can numb your feelings and you can numb the want for love in a lot of different ways.

And the truth is that you don't need to numb it because love is a beautiful thing. But the thing that we all have to realize is that we don't need to be chasing love for the things that we think only a relationship of love can give us because God really is love in the fullness of love. And so when we date from the place of love, knowing that we're love, knowing that we already have that joy,

knowing that we have those feelings of fun, and someone we can call on, and someone who is with us, like that is who God has to become before you can actually fully find it in a man. So we were constantly chasing the scene that we love. And what do we love love? Love is awesome. Love is intended. It's a part of our creation, but it has to be in the healthy way. And God's version of love is the only true healthy. And then in relationships, it's going to be a little broken, but having gotten the center keeps it so, so good. And I think one thing that we can talk about too, and I know we have to move on. But for me, after my little dating rampage, and why I was so adamant on like not moving

on and not dating someone again the day before I met Christian, is because I didn't trust myself. I was like, I, it's not only even a man anywhere, I don't trust me. Like, I don't think I'm in a good place. Like I don't trust the way that I do relationships. I don't trust the way that I even, sometimes I feel like I can't read people well. I feel like I don't, I'm not setting myself up for success. And I think when you get to the point where you don't trust yourself, that can be really hard to.

And maybe you're there, maybe you're like, like it's not even the guys to fall. I don't trust me. And I think that's whenever you're really need to sit down and get healthy. And that really slowed down the process of me and Christian dating, which I think is what led us to getting,

having a successful relationship. Yeah, and I think so many people say, like that cliche quote, like, you'll find them when you're not looking for them. And like, I think it's honestly, like a lot of that is true, like, really. When you finally sit down and you're not worried about it, and you're worried about working on yourself and your relationship with the Lord, like you

do find it. And when you're just looking for every single person ever, like you end up in these crazy relationships that you never wanted in the first place. But when you actually sit down and really work on yourself, work on your relationship with the Lord and focus on who you're with and not with just someone. Yeah. I think the moment you realize you don't need a boyfriend, you don't need a guy, you need the man of God

that is for you. You don't need just a boyfriend. Yeah. And I think I so many times, like, I just want a boyfriend. I don't need a son of a boyfriend. I don't, I didn't need that. I needed the person, a good person, like a good man. I didn't need just to have a shadow. I didn't need that. I needed the person, a good person, like a good man. I

didn't need just to have a man. Yeah, that's so good. Mom always says that you can only change you. You can like control you. And so true because a lot of times we're like, oh, well, if this guy would just do this and if this person would just do this, then I'd be happy. Then I'd be secure. Then I'd'd be like don't let your feelings of what you know you need in life to be content on another person responding. Well anyways we could talk about this all day long but we have to move on. I really like well we could really talk about both of these but my shape shifter part one page 46 and 47 my warrior which my warrior is kind of short. Um, so read these, because I think this is a crucial point in, uh, this is kind of a turning point in a relationship.

Yeah. So this is where it starts to get like a little rocket, I think, um, and I think a lot of people feel this like, oh, no, like this, when this starts to happen happen it starts to go a little crazy but um my shape shifter part one says I wake up every day wondering which of you I'll get well I get my happy bold and smiley boy or my quiet calm loving one well I get my standoffish mute straight face boy or my silly singing fun one I love every side of you even the ones that make me mad I can can't help but look. You are a mystery book, I can't stop reading. Well, it just stopped there because that's so good and I know Will said, this isn't necessarily me, this isn't unhealthy relationship. Like me and Christian,

some days like we're really happy and it's really fun and we're dancing and we're singing and some days we're just like yeah, you know, and like that's the life like you're gonna have emotions and you're gonna have moods and stuff like that but I do think you need to be aware of How much one mood is and I said that because of this There's a lot of products in the book and we'll talk about is that you're trying to remember like you're trying to remember The bad things so that you don't get trapped with only the good thoughts and I like to tell girls and like look the first trapped with only the good thoughts. And I like to tell girls, I'm like, look, the first three months of relationship is not an indication of who they are. That's going to be fun.

It's going to be flirty. It's going to be silly. You're going to be dancing. You're going to be getting flowers. It's going to be fun. It's the months after that that show you who they are. And I think a lot of times it's like six months in, you see a different side of them. And then that person continues. And then from six months to a year, they're that person and you're like, oh, but that's not who they are. That's not who they are.

And you're thinking back to the first month you met them. It's like, well, maybe actually they're now showing you who they are. Maybe that was it who they are. And this now is. And this now is. For sure. And I think what this poem is,

is like, it's a little bit of like a indication to what's about to happen in the book. But it also like the book could end right there and it would have been happy. You know, it would have been fun. I said I love every side of you even the ones that make me mad. And like I should have Jacob. I love every side of him. He makes me mad sometimes, but I still love him. You know, and like it could have ended there and been happy, but it also like, kind of foreshadows what's to come. Yes, I think that's why I wanted to note that, it's because this is still okay. This is still okay if people are moody,

it's still okay if you get mad or annoyed and stuff like that. But as you continue, you'll see more of why, like when it shifts to like, okay, maybe now I'm only remembering the good times And maybe the good times were a true indication of where you're at as a person I also love my warrior, which was the very next one. Yeah, my warrior says your biggest fear is hurting me in the end What do I have to do to help you understand there? It doesn't have to be an end and how many boys? I have told you this like I just don't want to be an end. And how many boys have told you this? Like, oh, I just don't wanna hurt you.

And like, how many times do you just wanna scream and say, they don't. They don't, they don't. They're worried about me, they're just having to be an end. Like don't, you know? And like, I feel like that happens in so many relationships. Yeah. And a lot of times that's another for shadow

that like, maybe they are gonna hurt you. And that's why they're scared to hurt you. And you know what I'm honest, I've experienced this in friendship too. I've experienced with girl friendships where they'll say like, I just don't wanna hurt you, I don't wanna hurt you. And I'm like, no, you're not gonna hurt me. Like why would you hurt me?

And like you're almost like confused why somebody would say that? Like then don't, just don't leave, don't hurt me, don't do that. And it's almost like that person knows that they're not capable of being a friendy or they're not capable of being in this relationship because they know where they're at Spiritsy or where their health is and in those moments instead of begging you probably should just listen

Yeah, I think I have behind that 2020 of learning that I used to beg now I listen Yeah, and now I'm like and I think like I said I thought one two like it could cut right there. And like it would have been having might have probably, and while you know, like people who you end up with could say that to you too, but like also like that could foreshadow like, okay, maybe they're saying they are scared to hurt you because they're probably about to hurt you know. And like, maybe you should like say, you said just listen to that, you know. Yeah, that's good. Okay, so this one was probably my favorite. This one got me. This one stuck my heart, okay, but it was so accurate. And I think this is where we go from that moodyness to like an actual problem. Yeah. I mean, this is what I mean by it, it took a turn. Yeah, for sure. My continual heart breaker says, some rise, it's like we meet again for the first time. Breakfast rolls around and we

fall right back in love. After noon and we're on cloud nine, laughter and kisses. Evening comes and we're arguing about the smallest of issues. Yelling and screaming, anger and hurt. By dinner, we don't even know how to talk to each other. Midnight, the moon is up and so are the stars. I'm back in bed, tears streaming down my face Wondering how we fell this far. I managed to fall asleep But hours later the sun rises and paralyzed by time we wake up and do this all over again Story of my dating life. Oh my gosh

And paralyzed by time. I was like, that is literally what happens. You wake up and you run it back. You do the same thing every day. You wake up and it's great and everything's fine. You get, if you're not together, you get the good morning text. You're happy. You get together, you have a great breakfast. And then the day goes on and it just gets worse and worse. And by midnight you're like, what am I doing?

And then you fall asleep. And by the time you fall asleep crying, you wake up in the morning and it all starts over again. And at midnight you're like, this is it. Like we need to break up. Like you kinda know, it's like you know this is wrong. Like you know, here we go, we do it again. And you're like, it's tomorrow.

Like we're gonna have a serious conversation and then you wake up and it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, good morning. It's like good morning. I love you. Why? It's like time just like, stands still. Like you wake up in the morning, you have this great morning, you go, by the time you're in bed, you're crying yourself to sleep and then when you wake up, you forget about it all.

Yeah. It's like, and you cannot tell you something girls out there in the world who are in this pattern. This does happen a lot. This has happened to me in a couple of my relationships. This did not happen to me in my relationship with Christian. This is not the story of a good relationship. This is the story of an unhealthy relationship.

And I think that's what people need to realize. There is an unhealthy type of a relationship and there is a healthy. This does not have to be your story. And so if this is your story, then this needs to be the end of your story. And you need to move on to another greenhouse, you know? For sure. And so I just wanted to make that note

because I think more like this is how relationships are. No, this how unhealthy relationships are. Yeah. And I think one thing to note too is like, the reason I write this book is like for you to have words to those things and like for you to like actually realize what like that is you know and I think like say you said like this was the story of her dating relationship you know and she didn't even see it so it was just like that

paralyzed by time and wasn't seeing it and like I was there too and then once I got out of this relationship I wrote this and I was like so many people need these words because it's like I Didn't have those words in that moment. I was like, oh this is just horrible and life is horrible and every day in Torbal and you know, but like if I would have read this book this would have been in a alarm clock Like this would have woken me up if I would have read this book in a relationship I would have been like I'm literally reading my story right now And it would have woke me up and so girls like if you're reading this and it is an alarm clock wake up like listen to the sound good morning. I remember in like

this big relationship I was in that all this happened and I remember having like a really hard day really rough day together and I sat down and I read a poem about it and I just like read it to him and like when I read it to him he was like oh it all makes sense like I didn't understand this and now it makes sense and that's what I was like wanting with this book is like for girls to like have a way to like express themselves if they don't have this one you know because like a lot of times you don't have those words and if you need my words take them like use mine like I used them they were great you know they helped me you know yeah that's so good though okay so you're talking about this inconsistent

love and one thing that I thought was very important because this is something to majorly know if you're in a situation as you said I can't sit at a stop sign peacefully anymore because this relationship was taking every part of your thought. And I've totally been there where it's like you're so into this relationship where like it's maybe even manipulative, it's maybe all consuming, it's hurtful, you've said things, you're arguing constantly, so you're constantly playing it all in your head. And like what could you say, what should you have said? Why did he say that? What hurts your dealing with all this stuff? And it's so consuming that like, you're never at peace.

And I remember there was a time in my relationship when I was about to end it. And someone asked me, say, do you have peace? And I looked her in the face and I said, I'm gonna be really honest with you. I don't even remember what peace feels like. I can't remember the last time I felt peace. Yeah.

That is not good. That is not healthy. And in fact, Jesus, it talks about this. Part of the fruit of the spirit, the Bible talks about this, is that there is a fruit of the spirit of God that is peace. And so when you're living in a healthy relationship or you're living within a healthy relationship or you're living it within a godly relationship, part of the fruit of that should be peace. And so

when I was in this relationship for years and I couldn't remember what peace felt like that should have told me this is not a good relationship and this is not the right should need to be and because it's not a relationship that God is in. You know, for sure. I love that. Well, I love that you said that because I think that that is a way to call for people. Now I'm my indecisive one. I think this is important, mainly the last thing that you said. Yeah, so the whole poem talks about how like someone just,

like you don't get to just have me when you want me. Not everything is on your terms. Like that's what this is talking about. When she's not responding, all of a sudden you miss me. I don't deserve that because if this is how someone treated my friend, that would be exactly what I would tell her, you don't deserve that pretty girl. And like, I remember writing this.

I remember being there and being like, oh, like, I just constantly sit and I'll wallow in my thoughts about it. Maybe, maybe, maybe, you'll just call me or maybe you'll text me or maybe you'll love me today or maybe you will be there today you know and like I like all of a sudden remember sitting down and thinking like if this was how someone treated anyone else that I loved like I would never ever let that happen you know yeah that's what I always saw girls and every day say like but he's my best friend and I'm like but does any

one of your best friends treat you like this? Yeah. No, then this is not your best friend. This is just your emotions, you know? And so I love that you said that. And if you look at your relationship and say, I would tell any of my friends to get out, then I should be a gentrification of that.

Um, okay, let's move on. I want you to talk about my straightforward love. So my straightforward love is talking about how someone once told me that you could be with someone a billion times better than me, and I told them, no, I don't want better, I just want you. And I said foolishness. Looking back, I think, how do you not know you're better than that? But the truth of the matter is that that is what love does to you. Love makes you forget all of the bad things. When love feels threatened, it sends all of the sweetest memories to the forefront of your mind so that even if you wanted to, even if you knew it was true, you couldn't agree.

And I think in that moment, it's just like, like I said, when love feels threatened, it's gonna send all of the sweetest memories to your, to the forefront of your mind, and maybe it's not love. Maybe that's the wrong word for it because it's probably not actually love. But I do think that's what happens. Like when you feel like, oh no, like this isn't good. Like someone, like thinks they could, like I could be with someone. No, no, no, no, you couldn't actually like, no, no, no, I don't want better. I just want you. Like I like you so much. I, no, I don't want better. I just want you like I like you so much I want you I don't want better and you do and like it's almost like lusty and like when lust feels starting Of course, it sends all the attractive images to your mind and relationship too. It's like no, no, no

Like you still want me like you're you're almost addicted to me. You you crave me Because of all these good things. Yeah less hurts you, less is not love. And in the long run, it's like, actually, no, why am I fighting for less whenever I could have love? Yeah, and it's like I said, like you could be with someone a billion times better than me. And like in that moment, like I didn't wanna be that person

who could be with better. I wanted to be with the lowest of the low, you know. I didn't wanna be with better. I didn't wanna be be that person who could be with better. I wanted to be with the lowest of the low, you know. I didn't want to be with better. I didn't want to be the person who deserved better. Like, I wanted to be the person who deserved you because like, you liked me at one point and like that made me want you, you know. I have a member I had a guy tell me that too.

You could be with anyone you want. I'm like, no, but I just want to be with you. I just want to be with you. And I think that a lot of times when guys say that, it's out of their insecurity, knowing that, knowing that, I'm not treating you in a way that you deserve. And again, instead of arguing in begging, you should probably just listen to. So, my boy who's not all that says, I laugh when people think I have the perfect life, the perfect face, the perfect body with the perfect friendships, and of course, the perfect boy. Let her do the now, it's also far from perfect. And I think this is one of the only poems in the book that really is in about relationships

too much. And I think it's a lot about my life, like I think a lot of people look at me and would like to say, like, oh, she has the perfect life and the perfect boyfriend and the perfect body and face. And, you know, and like, people can think that from Instagram, but like, no one really knows, you know, my real life, you know. And like, now, like, of course, like, I'm married to like the most amazing man and like love him so much. But like, at the time when I had these boyfriends, people were just praising these relationships. Like, oh, these are the best.

And like, it only swayed me not one. And like, lose that relationship because I was like, oh, well, people are saying it's the best. People are saying it's awesome. Like, I love it. You know? I literally wrote about this in my book too, that like, almost people's comments and stuff convinced me that it was real.

Yeah. And I was like, oh, we are really shit goals. Like, oh, we are really cute. Oh, like, people think that we're awesome. Maybe we And I was like, oh, we are really shipgulls. Oh, we are really cute. People think that we're awesome. Maybe we are, but I knew we weren't. But their comments helped me say it's something that was unhealthy, which is crazy. But only you know that.

Only you and the people close to you and the people who love you know that. And that is one of the big downfalls with Instagram is like so many people like look at you and like think they know. And like it's really hard on sometimes the people who are behind the screen because it's like no like you don't know like you don't know what's going on you know and I remember when me and that person broke up like I got messages on Instagram saying like why did you all break up like y'all were so perfect. Like, did he dump you?

Did you do something wrong? Like, and it was just like so overwhelming for me to think like, you have no idea. You know, you don't know. And like that's when I write this. Like, like so many people think this and like, at the end of the day, like you don't know everything. And to be honest, it's not just an Instagram

and influencer issue. This is like, maybe you're like the it couple at your school. Maybe you're the couple that's been together for three years. Maybe you're the couple that everyone loves and since y'all were little, everyone said you're going to get married. And but like, just because everyone thinks something, only you know, only you know if this is a healthy relationship, only you know, this is the guy for you.

No, it's just going to be perfect. But only you know if it's perfect, you know? and if it's not, then it's okay to upset everyone's all expectations, rather than you actually having like a sad life, you know. Yeah. And you could do have to like one day, like I said earlier, like you have to move on, like you have to be the one to choose that. And like you have to be the one, like when everyone else is praising a relationship that you know is wrong, like you have to be the one to choose that and like you have to be the one like when everyone else is praising a relationship that you know is wrong like you have to be the one to make that decision for yourself you can't just rely on everyone else to tell you what to do because no one else knows and like even if your family like everyone loves your boyfriend or something and everyone's like

why would y'all ever break up like you know it perfectly love him you know like like you have to be the one to choose that for yourself you have to be the one when you know the real story to like make that decision. Yeah, even if it shocks everyone. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. Let's go to my one who keeps me guessing. And I thought this was an important point because I do think this is a part of relationships that people don't expect to be bad and it's the worst.

Yes, because I think a lot of times the first things I said, I noted are like, the ones I run things about and you don't think about this next one, but it says, the fall of the love, the ache, the break, the worst of them all must be the wondering. Hmm. And I think that's so true.

Like the ache and the break are horrible, but like the wondering what's gonna happen? Is what is he thinking? Why is he gonna get another session? The village of Izzy get a call. Izzy get a taxi. What does this mean? He did taxi.

Are we gonna give it together? He has a change. So, and that's the whole thing on closure too. It's like, you can't just wait on someone, you can't just wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder. At some point, you have to just wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder. At some point you have to just say, okay, it's over. I'm done.

I'm moving on. Even if you weren't, I'm moved on. I can't sit here and just wonder. All day long. And some of you might wonder, how do I stop wondering? How do I stop my mind from going there? Because my mind is constantly thinking about him. It's constantly thinking about what we were.

It's constantly wanting to go back. I mean, literally the Bible says, you have to take captive your thoughts. Like, take them captive. Like, shift your thought pattern. And to shift your thought pattern, you actually have to like, shift it. You have to say something. You have to say like, like, in your mind or out loud, like, nope, like, I used to say nope, like out loud because I'm not even thinking about that anymore. And I would think about the verse like think about whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is pure, when it was admirable, whatever is just really think about these things. And honestly, that verse is

like pretty long. It has so many words that sometimes I'd forget the verse, but it would help me get off the thought pattern. I'd be like whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is kind. And like even just having something to like combat the thoughts of relationship, help me to move kind. And like, even just having something to like combat the thoughts of relationship helped me to move forward. And so I think you need to get something in your mind that you think about when you think about that person. Yeah, and we weren't actually gonna read this one, but it just came to my mind, right?

But it's on page 82, it says, my unreliable boy. And it talks about where do we stand in the wondering, where do we stand when I don't know if you're coming home When do I get to say okay enough when I get to call but you said forever when who do I get to Run to when your love runs out. Who do I get to tell when you say it was a game? What do I do when it's just me left with the wondering left without? Mm-hmm And like the truth is when you're left in wondering you're left without like you left without. And like the truth is when you're left in wondering, you're left without, like you're left without someone, you're left without something, you're missing, you feel

like you're missing something. And like the truth is you're not like you have the Lord. And like if you like have the Holy Spirit in your heart, like you have peace, enjoy, and patience, and kindness, and goodness, and faithfulness, I'll control it. You know, you have all these things and you have a friend and you have a companion, you know, and like, and in that time, like a feeling like you're just wondering, like you feel like you're missing something, but like you have to rest assured that you're not, you know. And isolation is like one of the most dangerous places to be. And I think the wondering is the only place that you're really left alone because with the fall and the break and all those things, like

people are in it with you, like people know you broke up, people know where you're at, people know it's hard. No one knows your thoughts. No one knows that you're constantly thinking about this person that you're constantly thinking about what was it, you're constantly thinking about the hurts or the good times or whatever it is. So if you don't invite the Lord into your thought life because that's the only person who can be in, then you really are in a dangerous zone, you know, because you're left with thoughts that can be totally irrational. Yeah, and I remember writing, who do I get to run to when your love runs out?

And I remember writing that in the feeling of like, like, who do I get to tell this to? Because like, in that time, I was also wondering, so I was like, if you come back, I don't wanna tell everyone then, you stop loving me, you know, like I don't wanna tell everyone this. So like, I'm wondering, like, who you come back, I don't want to tell everyone that you stopped loving me. You know, like I want to tell everyone this. So like I'm wondering like, who do I get to run to because I don't know who to tell like, you know,

now I remember feeling that so deeply like, I don't want to tell anyone, like I didn't tell, I was like, I don't want to tell anyone I broke up with them because I don't want anyone to think anything wrong. I don't want to think anyone to think that I was wrong or I did anything wrong. Like I just wanted to like hide from it all and like I didn't think there was think that I was wrong or anything wrong, like I just wanted to like hide from it all and like I didn't think there was anyone I could run to with the truth is like you do need like isolation is such a scary place to be and like you need community and you do have to talk to people. Yeah that's why even the Bible says like confess your sins to one another like even like yes confess to God but like also talk about it with like

to a friend because you can't carry it all by yourself because if you do, like, you'll make bad decisions because like, what your friend does not have is the emotions that you have. So your friend can say, hey, look, I know this feels this way, but this is what truth is. This is an unhealthy relationship. And sometimes you can't see that

and they can say, hey, you don't need to go back to that. Because I remember after I got out of this relationship that was not good for me, that I was in for a while, yours went by and then this person showed interest in me again. And I almost went back and I remember someone who was like, how much do you like and like how much do you want to go back out of 10? I was like 10, but I had told this person everything bad.

They get to tell them like all the bad things, all the hard things, the unhealthy things. And she's like, okay, like let's think about this person everything bad. They got to tell them all the bad things, all the hard things, the unhealthy things, and she's like, okay, let's think about this for a second. Why do you want him so bad? And it's because I can only remember the good things I could, and I was just, yeah. And so your friend needs to be in it with you because she can remind you, or your parents, or your family, that they can remind you like, hey, I know it feels this way, I know this what your emotions are telling you,

but the truth is this is not a healthy relationship for you. And this is not you at your best, you know. And you have to be willing to listen. So there was one that goes kind of with everything I'm saying about how like when you're not healthy, like it stills the essence of who you are, you know, like when you're not on healthy rest ship, it can still the essence of who you are.

And like only sometimes a friend can say that to you, it's like, you're not being yourself. Like we're losing you. And sometimes you don't even realize it. And I think my love that left me really captures that beautifully. Yeah. So it says the weeks following the end of our flame, where a blur, I was never fully there. And if my body was safe to say my mind wasn't Everywhere I went my head was somewhere else. I could hear but I wasn't listening. I could touch but I wasn't feeling I could watch but I wasn't seeing why is it fair that no one got all of me because you wanted none of me and I think like that happens so much, like the one before this says actually,

that ever since you, I don't show up, I don't smoke as big, I don't bring the party. I'm not the same person I was and like, I felt that, like I didn't feel like I was myself anymore. I felt like I lost something. Yeah. And like the truth is, like, it's not fair that no one gets you because someone didn't want you.

And like I actually wrote this one day when I was up lunch with you. I read it after being at lunch with you because me and Sadie went to lunch together and I remember getting home and thinking I have no idea what we talked about. Like I don't even remember what we talked about. I don't remember what we did. I don't remember. Like I don't remember anything about that lunch because my mind was in a different place and I remember thinking that's so unfair that I just have lunch what we did. I don't remember. Like I don't remember anything about that lunch because my mind was in a different place And I remember thinking that's so unfair that I just have lunch with my sister. It was probably a great day She probably didn't think anything of it. It was probably like an awesome lunch And I don't remember any of it and I remember thinking that's so unfair that someone wanted none of me Someone didn't even want me and like I can't give myself to anyone else because of that

You know that's so real. And the thing is, like, so many people do want you and so many people do love you, even me that day. Like, I love you. I wanted to be at lunch with you, but because it's a different person who didn't care for your heart is making you feel less than like you couldn't be present with me.

And I do think like, y'all need to realize that that just because one person doesn't love you, doesn't mean you're unlovable. Just because one person didn't want you doesn't mean that you're unwanted. Like there are people in your life who are outside of that one person with their own messed up problems who love you and want you and cherish you and see the things in you that God has put in you and wants to cheer you on and to do not make your world so small that it revolves around one human. Yeah.

That is very important. Yeah, for sure. And like just a few poems before that actually I've wrote like, how are you everyone ask? Every part of me wants to say I'm so good, but I close my eyes. I hear my screams. I feel my shattered heart. I can see my tears and I shake my head so I'm not proud and say, you know, I've been

better. And like that was like a really raw moment for me to like not just say, oh, I'm good, because I think we do that so much. And I think that's what led me to like not being where I was because I kept saying I'm so good and I wasn't, you know? And like, I just thought like that's really important because like, when you're in that moment,

like, that's how you get to those moments where you aren't there. That's how you get to where you're in that moment, like that's how you get to those moments where you aren't there. That's how you get to where you're not present with others is when you just fake it and say, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, and you don't say, you know, I've been better, like I'm not good right now, and I'm not okay. Yeah, that's something about myself that I want to work on because I always say that, like, oh, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, and then like, a year later, I'll be like, oh, I was in the worst spot ever.

And everybody's like, what? Yeah, I'm like, yeah, I'm good and then like a year later I'll be like oh I'm the worst but I'm like whatever and everybody's like what yeah I'm like yeah I probably should have said that because people would have bought through it with me and like see yes and just like we say like you lose that time like you lose that time wasting it being in your head like oh I'm good and then you're sitting there like oh I'm not good at all yeah that's so true all right let's read two more two more this Two more. This is one of my favorite ones as well. I think it's very crucial because it talks about remembering. And that's the thing I talked about.

You forget. Like, you think you could never forget the pain. You think you could never forget the tears. You think you could never forget how mad you were and how horrible it was. And then the minute they come back with a sweet text, you're like, gone. Yeah. I love you. Let's give that together. And that's wrong.

And so I thought this one was great. So let's read it. I closed my eyes because my mind is playing a film. The opening scene pulls me in as it shows you flashing that pretty little smile on me. I laugh as it shows your eyes wondering around the room with the hope that they don't somehow meet up with mine. My heart races as I watch you throw me over your shoulder in the pouring rain and hurry

me to the car. But even though I know the ending, nothing prepares me for the final scene. When you walk away for the very last time, with swollen eyes, I try to remember every detail. Every muscle in your back, every hair on your head, I must remember. For times like this, when I forget how cruelly the ending is and I want to watch again, I must remember, for times like this, when I forget how cruelly ending is, and I want to watch again, I must remember. And so good, because it's so true, you wanna watch it again,

because you only remember the beginning, but then when you see the end, you're like, oh yeah, that wasn't good for me. Yeah. The last one I wanna read is very hopeful in my past life. And I think that this is what I wanna read because I want people to understand, yes, you go through those things. Yes hurts yes it sucks yes it feels like the end

but it's not and you will move on you might be in the place right now you're like I will never move on I can't move on you don't know my story we might not have walked in the exact shoes you walked in but we have walked in some very similar and so this is your hope that there will be a day that you won't think about hope that there will be a day that you won't think about him anymore. There will be a day where you don't cry over the heartbreak. And there will be a day when you look up, when you see the love of your life. And yeah, it's all okay. Yep. You feel like another lifetime. It's a merely think of you as an out of body experience. Me with you and me without you, two people are known deeply. Although

one keeps drifting further and further away Between me and you I just can't keep up anymore. I love that and I know there's more Joy at the end of my past, but I thought that was good to just show you moved on like you moved on your mind moved on Your heart moved on your life moved, and now you're sitting here, let's actually think about you for a second. A married woman and a healthy relationship with a good man. Not that you won't have problems, not that you won't have anoints, but you're in a healthy relationship and the fruit of Jesus in it. God is in it. And I'm so proud of you, and I'm so proud of you for articulating all of this in a book and giving girls the words to say and the to attach with the emotions that they feel that are sometimes on very hard to understand, you know, and I just want to say to all of you if you've

listened to this podcast and you're like I just listened to an hour of this book and I'm so inspired, I'm so encouraged, you haven't even read the half of it. Like that was some highlights that I loved but everyone is so good. I really could have read all of them, but I don't want to give away everything in this book. And so please go get my greenhouse. It will help you through the good times, the hard times, the unbearable times, and, you know, send you forth into a great future. Maybe you've already moved on. You're like me and Bella, you're married, you're like, I'm good, I don't want to relive

that. But it actually is very healing. It's like, it kind of reminds you of it, but in a sweet way. That, hey, I went through that, but I'm stronger now. I moved on, and so I hope this encourages you. I know it will, Bella, you crushed it. I can't believe you did this. Thank you.

At your age, and I can't, even not even just your age, you can't believe that you did this, because this is a gift to the world. And so thank you for writing this book. Everyone go get it, I can't even, not even just your age, you gave me the you did this because this is a gift to the world. And so thank you for writing this book. Everyone go get it. You can get it anywhere. Books are sold, right? Yep. Anyway, books are sold. Thank you so much. My real hope for the book is that it brings healing to anyone who reads it. And it brings you words to your

pain and words to your joy. And I hope that whoever reads this, finds some sort of healing or even just some sort of joy just to reminisce, you know. But that's awesome. Thank you.