WHOA That's Good Podcast - Who I Want to Be

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

After "The Bachelor" star Ben Higgins first slid into fiancée Jessica Clarke's DMs, they talked every day, and Sadie has a sweet "sliding into her DMs" story of her own. Ben and Jess tell Sadie the crazy story of how they met and fell in love, how he knew he could commit to her, the unrealistic dating expectations created by "The Bachelor," how they found their identity in Christ, and why their relationship has gotten so real. Jess also shares her past struggle with an eating disorder, Ben offers advice on making your life bigger than any one experience, and they preview his honest, relatable new book, "Alone in Plain Sight." Then, Sadie and Christian do Good and Bad Advice, Chocolate Chip Pancakes Edition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, all right. Welcome to the podcast. I guess Ben, you've been on before, but Jess, this is your first time. So we're so excited to have both of you here. Y'all are in a crazy exciting season, right? Oh, yeah. It's definitely crazy, but it's been really exciting and fun too. It's awesome. So engage, you just move to Colorado, all the transition happening. So I know I've seen you post an Instagram about dress shopping, but have you found the dress? I found the dress. That's awesome. I'm like not showing anyone. So Ben's mom and my mom are the only ones that have seen it, which makes it really fun too.

I love that. That's awesome. See, I wish I would have done that. I could not help myself. I was like showing the girl Lulu Limon who was like, helping me out. I was like, do you want to see? Like, terrible.

Like, the only person who hadn't seen it was like, Christian. I love that. That's awesome. What was your experience like, like picking up the dress? Did you know whenever you got it? Or were you like in between a few? Honestly, I like, I mean, I don't know about you, but I had an image in my brain of what

I wanted and I put it on and I hated it. Yep. And so then I was like, well, I guess I'll just try on everything. So I try to literally every style dress. And then the one I put on, I was like, oh no, this is it. And then we made a couple of changes to it. But I don't even have photos of it on my phone, because I know I'd be that same way

and show it to every single person. It's too hard. You can't have the picture. That's so funny. That's all my sister. She just got engaged. She had the dress that she knew she wanted. And she tried it on.

She was like, I don't like this at all. The one that she said she would never wear, like the type that she would never wear is it on she was like I don't like this at all. The one that she said she would never wear like the type that she would never wear is the one she got. It's so funny. Yep. So that's awesome. I think wedding dress shopping is like I feel like sometimes it's similar to your personality too which is always really funny to see. Ben, are you excited for Jess if I'm like being Colorado? Oh my gosh, it's been awesome. Yeah, we did a long distance for two and a half years. Dang.

So, and like long distance, long distance. Like we would go weeks without seeing each other. Yeah, I remember that. So, yeah, it was tough. So having her in Colorado now is really great for every reason. Like we're able to actually spend time together or do nothing together or go off and do our own things when we're in the same city. Like we're able to actually like spend time together or do nothing together

or go off and do our own things when we're in the same city. Like it's been. Awesome. Just a really positive thing. Oh, I love that. That's so great. Christian and I were the same way. We did long distance, our whole dating life and engaged, I guess. So we didn't actually live in the same place until we got married. And it was so fun though like once you're together like this is the greatest thing ever so I'm so excited for y'all to step into that. Well, we'll get to the question of the podcast which is what is the best piece of advice

you've ever been given and Ben I know you've kind of already told us at one point one of your good pieces of advice but if you have another one please share it with us and I'd love to hear it from both of y'all. Yeah, well, should we do it? So like, when I look at advice, I think of like, is it should it be love themed, wedding themed, relationship themed or like life themed? Dang, you're stacked. Most people are like, let me think. You're like, well, I have like six. Okay, let's go love theme for the sake of the season y'all are in. If you have one, if you have one ready for that.

Yeah, so like, it's weird. I don't remember a lot in life. In fact, I forget most of the stuff that happens. However, like I can like, compartmentalize these little pockets in my life. And so when it comes to advice or words of encouragement, I have different sectors stick with me. And when it comes to love, I think the best advice,

which is so unromantic, but it's love is a commitment. Yup. That's good. It's one that you choose to do every morning. You choose to do every night. You choose to do it every second with every breath is that you choose to do every morning. You choose to do every night. You choose to do it every second with every breath is that you choose to love, which is interesting because it helps my relationship

with Jessica because like, you know, when I'm not feeling great about myself, when I'm frustrated or anxious, I can still love her because I can choose to love her, even if I'm like angry at the world or angry at myself. But then also when it comes outside, like people, friendships, I can choose to love. And I know that it just maybe doesn't always come naturally, but I can always say,

I'm gonna choose to love the day. I'm gonna choose to love this person. So that's the best advice. So good. That's a great advice. And I think that's the advice that is the key to actually sticking with the relationship is that commitment and not just basing it off

of how you feel or what if everything's going right but if it's that you committed and so that's huge. I love that. Just sort of what you. I actually talked to my dad about this because he, I feel like this is kind of backwards but my dad kind of guided my dating life for a long time because as soon as I turned 16, he was like, I want you to go on as many dates as possible. my dad guided my dating life for a long time.

As soon as I turned 16, he was like, I want you to go on as many dates as possible. That's always been his advice to single people. It's not necessarily getting as many relationships but talk to as many people as you can and open yourself up to all different types of people. That's so good. It's really great advice for single people because then like I never had

a really serious relationship but when I met Ben I just knew because I know all these other people. That's so cool. So good. And then for like a committed relationship my dad's advice was always put the other person first. So you can benefit something that you don't want to do or even if it's like you're not like what've been said. If you're not feeling great that day, always remember that that person should be a put before yourself and that like help create a healthy relationship. That's so good. I love that. We actually had my great grandma on the podcast, I guess, a few weeks ago and she was so awesome. She's a legend. She's almost 90. And she was talking about her relationship. Her husband died years ago, but they were married

for 57 years. And she said that her best piece of advice for relationships was to get excited about what the other person loves. And it was like putting, putting what their excitement is first. So she was saying like, she's like, I'm not necessarily a basketball player, but he loved basketball. So I went to all the games and it was important that I was excited for him that he loved that and made that an enjoyable situation for both of us.

And I think that goes to putting somebody else first. You have to put somebody else first to lay down your own like once and stuff to say, like, this is so awesome that we're here right now and like making life just enjoyable for the both of you. But I love the single advice because I think like I haven't heard that piece of advice, but I dated a lot of different types of people too.

And whenever I'm at Christian, I was like, oh, I know you're the one, but I never knew, you know what people are like, what is your type? Like I never knew what my type was, but you kind of know the qualities that you're looking for. And so I think it's good to date different types of people.

And then when you find the guy with the qualities, you're like, okay, this is who I commit to. That's so awesome. I love it. Then you just wrote a book and it is so good. A loan and plan site, which first of all, just the title is so gripping, I think for me, especially to because I felt that way in my life a lot.

Like, you know, even your subtitle, that you're seeing, but you're not known. And all these people, like, they say they know you, but they don't know you. They see you, and they have a glimpse of you, but they don't know you. And so I'm so thankful you wrote this book, because I know so many people feel that way and it's so good. It is so good, so congrats on that. Everybody listen, it comes up February 2nd. I want to dive into some of the things that you talk about. You start off the first chapter right off the bat with just like a slam dunk talking about who are you. Which is a question that like I think a lot of people wrestle with, it's who am I? And I love how you talk about you say that a jock

is like something that you did, but it's not who you were. Because I think today that might even be like a revelation for people like, oh, that's what I do. It's not who I am. And I know Jess, you like ran track. Y'all both like had significant things in your life that you were known for, even the bachelor, even if you go on Instagram, and it's your Instagram,

whatever it is. But what was it like for you to most speak to this and one of you, whenever you went from like, oh, what I do is not who I am. What was that freedom like in your life? I mean, I can start here. I think the freedoms, you said it best, like what it's like is freedom.

Because like we always try to live up to whatever expectation the world's placed on to everybody. Like no matter what that title is, and that's hopefully the hope of that chapter is like to share that everybody's in this like in this place where they're labeled by something. And maybe that labeled they have on them is a shame or a guilt or Something that they've never been able to process through or it's a trauma and pain And so the hope is that like you can release these things and recognize who you are as a human like what how you matter to others like what how you love can Impact those around you But like releasing especially for, like releasing myself from expectations.

Now, I saw goals, but they're a lot different than expectations. Release myself from those expectations, free me up to start living and breathing again, and feeling like I matter, and feeling like I have value. Yeah, that's so good. I love, I actually underline this to like say this, but

you're quote when you said, when dreams are eight year old self staked out, become our identity and those dreams do not come true loser and failure become our new identity. And I was like, that's so true. It's like, and that's why I love that you like separated that expectation and like the goals because I think that's so true. Like whenever you go for something like that and then it doesn't meet maybe what you expected it to be then all of a sudden the only thing you're left with is oh I failed or oh I lost. We're just gonna create that shame and the insecurity

and all that pain. And so man, you walk people straight through it. And so if you're struggling with identity, great first chapter. I love that. Jessi, you feel that there have been time in your life where you've wrapped your identity around maybe a certain thing that you were known for?

Oh, totally. I mean, in college, I like you said I ran track. And so going to, I went to a big SEC school and that was like my thing. I was like, I'm the track runner. Like, this is who I am, I can't be anything else. And then throughout college I admitted that I was struggling with an eating disorder and so I had to quit track. Wow. And there is like six months there where I didn't

really have a place. I wasn't in a sorority and that's a big thing at SEC schools and I really didn't know where to go or who I wanted to be. I didn't even think I could stay at the school because I wasn't the track runner anymore. So like what was I going to be known for? Wow. And that's actually when like I say I became a Christian, I grew up in a Christian home, but that was like my turning point of it becoming a decision. Like this is who I want to be.

So that was like my journey of identity. And it was really time. And so even that chapter that been wrote, when I read it, I was like, wow, like this makes me feel less alone. And it's so cool. Because I have these conversations with Ben all the time. But that's so cool. OK, because I didn't know that story, and that's just so cool. Okay, because this that's I didn't know that story and that's just so cool and I'm

sorry that you went through that. But do you feel like a hindsight 2020 admitting that you were going through that? Are you even though it was so hard to admit that and you no longer did track and it was like a live change? Are you glad you admitted it when you did? Totally. I'm really, really thankful. I'm glad it wasn't earlier and I'm glad it wasn't later because it was exactly halfway through my college career. So I kind of feel like I got to see who I was and then see who I could be in the same amount of time.

I wouldn't change any of it. I think that the hard parts, like in your life, allow you to share them and hopefully relate to other people and I wouldn't change it at all. Wow, that's so good. I love that. I wanted to ask you that because I figured you would say that you're glad that you did.

And I feel like a lot of people are going through stuff that's really hard and they're so afraid to admit it because they think like, oh, it would ruin my life like I would lose my track or scholarship or I would lose my job or I would go through whatever it is I have to go through but every time you do like every time you admit something or you get something of your chest you can fast something like it only gets you to where you're going and so it's so important to take those leaps and to take that next step and so that's so cool that you shared that with us.

For y'all, like, both obviously went through a time where you had to figure out who you were, separated from like, what you do. Are you glad that you did that before y'all met each other? Oh, yes, definitely. I was a miserable person when I had my head wrapped around being the runner. And it's still something that I have to consciously make a decision. I'm not going to be known for this or for that. And I still will have those tendencies to want to be known for specific things.

But I think after getting over at one time, you can do it again. And I think it makes you a better partner when you're not wrapped up in your own thing. But I'm really thankful that I got over like that piece of it before meeting Ben because I don't think he would have liked. Hey, same. I'm like to a Christian because we we had this moment where we know like two years before we met, we were in the airport at the same time. And one of my friends met him at the airport and I did it because I went to a different gate. And we're always like, what if we were to met?

And I'm like, you know, thank God we did not meet because who I was at that time was not a likable person for us to work out and who were he was too. And so God's timing is so great. And I feel like when you go through those hard things and you figure out who you are, and you're still gonna be growing, of course, when you meet the person,

but when you know who you are in Christ, it makes the whole relationship so different. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's interesting too, because, I mean, it's fascinating to think about how much growth there was, like, at leading up to Jessica, and then how much growth there's been since then.

But like, three years in my life, I wasn't a place of growth. I felt like I was in a place of just trying to process and figure out. And I also was, it wasn't until my late, mid to late 20s that I started to understand that one, that being the victim and having everybody feel bad for all the time,

wasn't a way to move through life. And then two, as I got through after the bachelor, the thing was like, hey, any amount of attention and any amount of fame is not fulfilling. And so, like, what is it that's important to you? And so that question, I had to ask myself the question, like before I can meet Jessica, the question I had to ask myself was,

what is this that's important to me? Like, who is it that I wanna be? Who am I? And that was, you know, I want to be somebody that loves others. I want to be somebody that connects with God. I love that. And so that's like that's how that's where it's put me out. So yes, like I had to process through all those things before I could be a good partner to Jessica. That's so good. I love how you said in your book that no human can fix your brokenness. And I think that sometimes people do wait for that in a person and it's an impossible

thing to put on someone. And so I know Ben, you talk about your faith a lot and just you do too. Ben, what was it like for people, I guess wondering like, because you all both clearly had this shift in your life or even you said you found it in Christ. What was that like finding your identity in Christ instead of trying to wait to find it in a person you would meet? You know, I think the way how I'd explain it is it's finding your identity in truth. So I was talking to my pastor the other day and I was like, you know what? Like I can say I'm a Christian because I really believe in Jesus.

Like it's a real thing to me. It's not an idea. It's not a thought. And I was like, you know what? Like, I can say I'm a Christian because I really believe in Jesus. Like, it's a real thing to me. It's not an idea. It's not a thought. It's like a, you know, Jesus is real. And so ultimately what I'm saying is like, I'm gonna follow truth wherever that may be. And Jesus is truth.

He's shown up in my life. It's good. I have a relationship with Jesus. And so like, as I pursue my faith, I'm also pursuing truth because I believe there's something greater than this out there. And I also believe that something greater

causes us to love. And so, that's kind of why my relationship is gotten so real because Jessica and I said, I don't know if she remembers it, but it was like a year ago. And I was like, you know what? Sometimes in my life, I feel like I've thrown all my eggs into Jesus basket.

And I have to continue to check to make sure that that basket still I still believe in that basket and and I do Okay, and Jesus always shows up when I cry out for it But like that's where my faith is like if you take Jesus away from me Or if you take Jesus away from a relationship like you take everything like nothing else makes sense in my life. Yeah That's so good. I love that like You know, I love your chapter when you talk about, like, belief and doubt and all

that. And I love that. Rest a lot. You talk about I have to check that sometimes because I think people associate and you even talk about this, like doubt with like a lack of faith. But actually they go hand in hand and I love how you challenge people that like all of those thoughts, all of those wrestles are okay. In fact, like that only has improved your faith

as you wrestled. And so I think that that is just so cool. One of the things I love that you talk about and this kind of goes with everything that you are saying is whenever you talk about your breakup, you talk about how like you would not be where you are now without like the hard time that you went through of that breakup.

And obviously it's the same with just like you talked about about you wouldn't be where you are if you hadn't admitted to the eating disorder and you stopped doing track and there are things in our life that are really hard but we would not be where we are without them. And I love that you talk about y'all's song. So please share, Jesse, you can do it because girls get all giddy about this kind of stuff. About your song, why you chose it and like what it means to you all. Um, well, then showed me this song. He, it's by Cody Johnson, who's someone that been action choose me to, but it's, oh, I always forget the title.

Then what's it called? Well, let me do. Yeah, I know the word. Yeah. Yeah, what do you? I know the word. Yeah, what do you? But it talks about all of the hard things and then the chorus is like what led me to you

and so it talks about all of the hearts that are broken, all of the roads you didn't take, all of those things and it's what led me to you. And so that's our first dance song. And it's also the song that's in our engagement video and everything. I think that Ben's journey is obviously more public than mine, but we wouldn't have found each other without all of those things. That's so sweet. I love it. Okay, you don't have to share if you don't want to, but I think the way you all started dating, how you all met or how you all saw each other if you will is like the craziest story so we all share like a

little bit of that story. Of course, huh? Do you want to share your part and I can tie in what my side yeah go ahead and start this. It's so great. Okay well I'll say my part but it won't make sense till Ben says, but I woke up Thanksgiving 2018 and I had a direct message on my Instagram from someone with a blue check mark and like a million followers and I was like When the world like I was working a full-time sales job in Nashville I didn't have like that when he followers. I was so confused on how Someone could have found me and so I showed my family, my mom was like, he was the bachelor.

Like, don't you remember he was the bachelor? Like four years ago, you have to figure out how he found you. And so I was like, okay. And so me and my little brother sat down and like got all these responses, go and to begin to like try and sound smooth because I'm not smooth.

So I had to be so great. And because I'm not smooth so I had a so great. And when DM back and forth for like a day and then based time to couple days later and then two weeks later I looked at Denver. Oh my gosh and now you're there that's crazy. Yeah so on the back into that I was in Nashville Tennessee for a fundraiser Brandy Cyrus was putting on this fundraiser. I was to remember it in Nashville's huge. And I was thinking to Hilton downtown in Nashville and I was checking in and there was a hockey team

checking into the front desk. And I was like, I wonder what hockey team that is. So I went up my room and I was looking at tag pictures from that location. So I figured somebody had to have tagged the picture or tagged location with the hockey guys. And when I got on the tag location, the pictures from Bridgestone Arena popped up

and her picture was one of those that popped up because she was there on a day but she posted, had posted a picture with her dad at the arena and I was like, that girl's cute. So anyways, that's in February. I think kind of like screenshot it because I was like, I don's cute. So anyways, that's in February. I think kind of like screenshot it, because I was like, I don't know how to respond to this. That might be a little creepy.

And so I just saved on to it. Well, then Thanksgiving happened. And for what every time I was cleaning up my phone from old pictures and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna message that girl tonight. I'm feeling adventurous. So I did. That is incredible.

That's where, that's when then she woke up to the text message on Thanksgiving and The rest of this history we really never stopped talking once Like she kind of responded. We just like kept talking and we're gonna keep talking for That's right forever. I love it. I think it's so great and it's so funny because Christian our story is is kind of similar And it's funny because people are embarrassed to say that he DM me. But I'm like, that is so cool. That you saw her on a tab picture. And Christian was the same way he saw me two years before we met

at a passion conference. And DM me, I didn't see it until two years later, the whole thing. I actually saw it after we met when I followed him It was just crazy and it's same thing when we started talking we just never we just never stopped and so I love y'all So I think it's so sweet So I want to talk about because you know we have a generation of people who are obsessed with the show the bachelor and

Bachelors nation is obviously a huge thing and all the things and No, hey on the Bachelor at all, you've been through it, other people have been through it, people who have gotten married and it's been great for them and they've had kids and everything. But I do think, you know, the way that the show is,

it's kind of an unrealistic expectation of what dating is like. And so for you who's been through the Bachelor, and now you who has met Jess in this very unique way, very organic way. You know, what is it, regardless of the bachelor or not, that truly do you think makes a dating relationship, a good dating relationship that people,

instead of being like, oh, the bachelor's the way to go, it's like, no, actually these are the things that you can look for or that you can pursue that actually make a relationship a good relationship. Yeah, that's a good question. I mean, I think my advice to that would be kind of similar to what you said when it came to singleness is like, first off like, date, like explore what it is that you're interested in. Like, what kind of makes you tick? What makes you feel healthiest? What makes you act best? So that's the one thing. It's just like dating in itself is about exploring and adventure and figuring out now what helps make a dating relationship really healthy? Is I think, I honestly, I had someone up to empathy and curiosity. And so like, be able to look across the

person at the table or whatever you're doing and like empathize with them, like compromise with them, want to see them flourish, like have that deep desire, like that a lot of like what you want to see is to see them flourish. And they they know and respect the fact that you invest a lot in the seeing them flourish. And then the second is curiosity. Like ask the right, like that you ask the questions to continue to explore who they are. Like you ask the questions to get to know them better. You ask the questions to like help, like try to figure them out. Even though I don't know if you'll ever figure them out. But I think when those two things like come out of a place

of love, like there's a lot of healthiness and there's a lot of excitement for the years ahead because it will never get old and it'll never get boring or repetitive. Yes, you're not flying in helicopters and yes, you know, you're not traveling the world, but like, you're adventuring together in your everyday life, which is something that's like just would be so fun to do forever. Yeah, I love that. That's such a good advice. So, so good. Just, you put some Instagram that day and I thought it was so sweet about how like,

you see so much boldness in bin and that's something that like you wanna get better at and because you said you're like a nine on the in-eagram and that's not necessarily the trait that you're known for, it's like boldness or whatever. And I feel that way with Christian a lot. It's like, there's so many things about him that I'm not, I know I am not,

but that doesn't intimidate me, it actually helps me so much. So what are some of the things in Yaw's relationship that Yaw are different in, but you've actually seen each other grow from? I think one of the biggest things for me is, like I said, I'm very much a peacemaker, which makes me very passive. So my communication is not great at all. And I have like asking the right questions to the point where sometimes it like frustrates me

because I'm like, he literally sees right through me. And I don't want you because it might like stir up something or it might like cause us to have a deeper conversation that I would just rather avoid. And he has made me a much better communicator and he also asks a lot of questions, especially like in our faith and everything. And whenever we listen to a sermon together, go to church, he always asks really hard questions afterwards.

And I'm like, I want to process and make sure I'm saying the right things, but he's like, no, just like say the first thing that comes to your brain and lots of times it's not correct for me. Yeah and I write all the time. So really it's just like process better and then be able to communicate better and I've I hope I've grown in it in the past two years but I know I still have a really long way to go, but that's been a really big thing. That's so cool. I love that. Then what's your any group? Four. So I'm sick of the weird.

I'm sick of the weirdo. Yeah, I'm the weirdo. I love it. No, my sister's a four. I think fours are incredible. All numbers are awesome, but I just wondered with that deeper like thinking like think of it longer about it or even just get it out before it's perfect because that's I'm kind of the same way I'll just talk and talk and talk and Christians much more of a processor and he'll say the right thing

What the right time I'm more like I've said a lot of things Here's everything I'm thinking. Oh, that's so good. I love it. Then what's something that's different about Jessette that you feel like you've Learned from something that's different about Jess at that you feel like you've learned from? Oh, I mean, I think I think her desire, I mean like she sees it as a negative and I don't oftentimes I'll see it as a positive like her desire to to say the right thing. Not coming from a place of need to be perfect but like coming from a place of thought. That's cool. That's cool. That's a place of like wisdom, a place of processing.

I think also that like her empathy, I've always said that like, when Jessica is at her best, which is often, she is the most empathetic person I've ever met, which because like I'm not, I'm quick to like kind of like judge or criticize or I'm a really good critic, but I'm not healthy and when I'm like not in a good place. And so her empathy and her care and love

kind of helps me readjust my thought process, which I really love and respect. Cause I need that, I need that bad. That's awesome. I love that. Y'all are so sweet. I'm such a sweet couple, and I'm so excited for you all to see each other tomorrow.

Because if you, I mean, Chris started the same way, if you had to do anything together, like online, you're like, that was so sweet. You're like, I need to see you. I'm so, but I know it's like, I need to hug you right now. That's so sweet. And so lastly, I want to talk to you about this

because you're so honest in your book about so many things that you've gone through. And I love that you have so much scripture and so much, so many things in the Bible that are so relatable. Like for people who may struggle to read the Bible, it's so, your book is so easy to read, but it's so powerful and impactful. But I love that you talked about the stuff that you knew people also wanted to talk about, like the bachelor and for me, like, that's always the hard thing because I don't want to talk about the thing that everybody wants me to talk about the bachelor. For me, that's always the hard thing,

because I don't want to talk about the thing that everybody wants me to talk about. But I know I need to, because it's important that you get the heart out. And you talked about your previous relationship and how you were engaged before, but that wasn't the person you were supposed to marry, clearly, because now you all are together,

and it's so obvious that you all two two are the one for each other and so There's a difference in that right? I dated people that clearly weren't the one for me Some people that I actually thought I was marrying and it didn't work out What was it for you about Jess or in y'all's relationship when you like, this really is the one. I'm gonna marry. And what are things that people can look for those qualities to know? This is somebody like, back to that word commit,

that I really can't commit to the rest of my life with. Yeah, that's good. Well, first off, like... Big question. There's a beauty. It's a big question. There's a beauty in the question you just asked though that I want to point out because there's something important that Jessica does for me

that we talk about often that has been the freeing thing that we spoke of before. So like she gives me permission to share my story and like she doesn't run away from my story. She's not scared of my story. She, yeah, I don't think she like wants to watch my season of the Bachelor over and watch it with her two eyes and like have to relive it for 13 episodes. But she she has accepted and owned the fact that like that is a piece of me. And it's made and it has like's, it's brought me to this place today. And it has, it's caused scars, it's caused wounds, it's caused me to like see better what I wanted in a partner. And so I don't feel like I have to run away from that or hide it or suppress it,

which is like freeing for me and like a really beautiful thing in a partnership that she allows me to share my story freely and openly and honestly. So I want to start there because that is a huge reason why you know you can commit to somebody and that you want to commit to somebody for the rest of your life because they free you of any shame and any pain. Like not pain, they free you of any shame and any guilt that you've carried from past relationships. It would be really easy for me, similar to you, like to walk into life and feel like I'm only defined by a reality show that I did for a period of my life.

Yes, it's a part of my story, but it's not hopefully going to be the biggest. In fact, I also hope that it's not the thing at 70 years old that I'm sitting on the couch going, that was the coolest thing I've ever done in my life. Yeah. I hope there's some other stuff involved. And so I want to be free to like own the fact

that I was a season my life, but also move forward in what the next chapter is. So the final thought to this is that like I knew I commit to Jessica because one, she wants to see me thrive. Like she desires to see me thrive. She desires to see me free. And she also, I'm a better man with her in my life because she doesn't restrict me. Now, there's obviously when you get in a relationship, there's new boundaries that are set. Like, there's new things that are wise and unwise to do.

But when it comes to me as a person and like, who got his call, like what got his call me towards, I know that if I told her, I think God has called me to this or, hey if I told her, I think God is calling to this or hey, I wanna go hang out with my buddies tonight. She is, I don't have to worry about the fact that I am just gonna get destroyed back home.

She's gonna just be like, you just go like, do you, and I don't know, she's just a freeing that I have with her. Like, I feel very free and my burden is listed with her. That's so good. No, I'm so glad that you showed that. And the thing is, like, for people listening, I don't just ask all these questions, so Y'all can just talk to each other about it,

because I know you know all these things. You know, Ben thinks about you, you know, just things about you. But I think that y'all are such a great example for this generation to look up to. Like, I'm so thankful for y'all, because you are a Christian couple who pursues the Lord, pursues each other so respectfully and so sweetly.

You know, don't try to be perfect. You're very real about struggles you've gone through. And I think that, you know, a lot of people, like we talked about, like the bachelor's or idea of dating, or a dating, another dating show they watch, or a dating podcast, or whatever, and not that those are bad things at times They can be good things but For that that's not really realistic all the time and so to hear from a real couple who is really walking through life And willing to share the real things and also like point to Jesus as the thing that makes everything work

I'm so thankful for and I want to ask you all these questions to people can hear how you talk to each other, how you all are kind to each other, how you pursue each other, because that is such a great example. I'll just say, so thank you all for who you are and how you all are walking this out. And just like just to say, from every woman in the world,

I just had to respect you for your confidence. Like, you have such a quiet confidence about you because you're not flashy with your confidence. You don't have to post certain pictures of you wearing certain things or doing things or flashing where you're at. You're just confident because of who you are and you sit in that so beautifully. And I think that that's why you can let Ben share his story and be who he is because you're free to be who you are and it's huge.

And so thanks for just being you. And Ben, thanks for being such a good man who has just continued to say true to who you are and your faith and just openly shared with the world things you've gone through because it's helped so many people. So I just think the world of y'all, I respect y'all so much. I've like seen you both at different times

that never hung out all together. So one day we need a double date. We'll have to hit up Colorado. But thanks to being on the podcast and just sharing your hearts with us. Thank you. Thank you. That's really kind and thank you for having us. Yes, hopefully the next time I see you, it'll actually be in person. Oh I totally love it. We always say that it's I know it really is actually time.

We've had so many conversations. Alright well love you guys. Hey thank you Sadie. Love you all. See you guys. Welcome back to The good or bad advice. I'm your host, Christian, and this is my lovely assistant save. Assistant, why'd you say wife?

My wife assistant. Okay thanks, I'll take it. We love this part of the podcast where you guys send in good and bad advice to our Instagram and on our elosistri app. It's our favorite part of the day. It's our favorite part of the day. It's our favorite part of the day. We love it. All right, let's get to it, Christian.

You only get better by being with people who are better than you. That's so true for you so much. But ever since I came into your life. That is so true. Looking at my life before Sadie, then I'm just like, you can't even get it in the shot. It's just way up here. But no, I think that's true. But I do think sometimes you can't even get it in the shot. It's just way up here. I mean, but no, I think that's true.

But I do think sometimes you know, hanging out with people that maybe aren't as skilled with you in something that they, like that can cause you to rise up, you know. I'm so true. I think there's that aspect of it too. Yeah, I think there's both. I mean, obviously, I think it's a good thing to hang out with people who might be years above you

and whatever they're good at more wisdom, more grace, more love, more energy better at you than working out. That's good for me with Christian because he helps me with that. There are aspects of your life that you want to hang out with people who push you to be better. But then there are times that you might be a little better and somebody has something and you need to invite them into it and help really teach people. And by doing that, that can even help you increase whatever you're doing. Yep makes a world better place. Yeah good stuff

You make me better too babe. You make me better too babe I'm so vangerotic right me too whenever I said that. We're so sweet. Oh my and people are gaggy I'm just kidding all right. Your direction is more important than your speed That is advice for you. Yeah, that's good advice for you. You need to take that. Yeah. I received that. Actually, I received that. This was a good advice from we got from Christian. I took a tennis lesson last week and the guy was telling Christian like, you're driving the car 100 miles per hour and the car is like hard for you to control because you're going at such a fast speed. A lot of my shots were just not going in.

Because it weren't going in, but they were hard and they were fast. They were like, and he said, take it. He said, take it, that's like 60, like, miles per hour, like 70. He's like, you can actually drive at the car, like 60%. And it was so good because Christian stopped trying to kill it every time. And he's actually getting the ball in, which made him a much better player. So I think that is great advice. And it kind of echoes what we just learned. Yeah, that's true.

But also think about it too, like when we were dating, you know, we had that, we always talked about, you know, yes, we're going the same direction, but we want to be going the same speed and the same pace. Yeah. So I think there are aspects that you can be going the same direction, but if you're running faster than I'm running, you're not going to want to be dragging me along. Yeah. So even if it is the same direction, you might wanna be cautious of it in that area.

True, all of that, it's great. All right, when you're sad, eat chocolate chip pancakes. Yes, why would you not? You like blueberry pancakes, you're healthier than me. But that's not even healthy, I just think they taste just as...

It is, you're healthier, right? No, that's like a blueberry muffin, a chocolate chip muffin. I'm not eating the blueberry muffin because it's more healthy for me, I think it tastes good. Okay, that's cool. I've always thought you needed it because that's healthier and I just muffin, a chocolate chip muffin. I'm not eating the blueberry muffin because it's more healthy for me. I think it tastes good. Okay. That's cool. I've always thought you did it because that was healthier.

And I just like, don't chip better. But I will say like, obviously, chocolate japan cakes will not cure your sadness. And I don't think you should cope with food or anything other than God. But chocolate japan cakes are good. And why would you not eat one when you're sad? That's true. Yeah. Boom.

I think we ended there because that was great advice. That was great advice. Go eat a chocolate chip pancake. Peace. you