WHOA That's Good Podcast - You Are Never Too Far Gone

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

Sadie speaks with singer and author Kelsey Grimm about the dangers of looking for your identity in another person and the one place you will find your true identity. Making small concessions for other people can quickly change who you are, and not dealing with your past can wreck your future. No matter what, you are never too far from God, and you are always loved by him. Kelsey's book, "Over It," is available now. - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, what up, good fam, welcome back to the world, that's good podcast. Happy Wednesday, everybody. Y'all, I'm so stoked for today. We have an amazing guest on. Her name is Kelsey Grimm and she has just written a super great book called Over It. Y'all, if you're watching on YouTube, look at how cool this book cover is. I told her before we started, I said, why have I never done a hot pink book? Why I don't know. What Kelsey you are

Set in the tone in the book world certainly and for so many things in the mom world all of it And I'm so excited that you're on my podcast today. Thank you so much for having me such an honor to be here I appreciate it so much. Yes, I am stoked So I was kind of telling this before, but this book really is like asking your big sister all the questions that you want somebody so bad to tell you, but you don't have anybody to go to to talk about it. Like you go there and so I can't wait to dive into it and start talking about some of that stuff later, but first I have to ask you the question. I ask everyone on this podcast, what is the best piece of advice that you've ever been given?

Yes, I love that you do that by the way. It's so cool. And as I've listened to your podcast, I gleam so much from hearing what other people are gleaming from other people. So this is a really cool thing that you do. So cool. That being said, I think helping the most

helpful piece of advice I've ever been given. It's more of a quote than a piece of advice, but a quote is life becomes more meaningful when you realize that you never get to live the same moment twice. So what I love about that is it's just a reminder to live present. In the moment you will never get this exact moment again, you'll never come again, you won't get a redo. Um, so make the most of it. Like that's just good.

It's so I feel like it's just a good, it's a good overall reminder to live. It's so good. I love that because I think that I wrote about this and about actually what called live and I wrote about how because life kind of just like happened to that I wrote about this and about actually what called live and I wrote about how because life kind of just like happened to us, you know, and it happened for us. Sometimes the temptation is like, you almost look at it and you take advantage of the gift that it was.

You're like, oh yeah, well, I just, I just get to live today. I just have life. But when you actually think about like, life is a gift and every moment is precious and especially when you lose someone, that's when you realize like, wow, every moment matters, every moment counts. It really does help you live your life more. It helps you live it, always say like a verb.

The action is supposed to be lived in. You start to not complain so much about the little moments with your kids, or not complain about the moments in traffic and be like, okay, look, I have life, I have breath. I can do this. And so I love that quote, I love that advice. So a lot of people have probably seen you

with your husband Caleb singing on, you know, some social media platform. I actually, before here, I looked up like Kelsey and Caleb and there's just so many videos with just millions of views. And so whenever you got together, did you all know, like, we're gonna sing together or did that just kinda happen? Cause y'all both just have voices of angels. Oh, well that's a stretch, but that's very sweet.

I appreciate it. We kind of fell into it to be honest. Like it was just this organic thing. Like when we met each other, I knew he was an avoid band and at the time I was in a girl band. And so, you know, we sang together just for fun, you know, to start and then it kind of got real for us after we got married and we started singing more and then we're kind of just praying about what the next step in our career was at that point.

And we hadn't really taken our duo seriously, again, like up until at that point. And then that's when we kind of went, we pushed it all further down the court with the worship stuff, because we're like, this makes sense for who we are. We're more than the way we've grown up. And this means something to us. And so when we started playing out the worship mashups, it just kind of, I mean, people really connected with it. And then it was the rest of the history. They're beautiful. I love it so much.

You talked about actually in your book, there was this moment where you were always been musical, you know, and people kind of saw that in your life and had said that that was a gift. But there was a moment whenever a teacher of yours looked at you and was like, no, like, this is what you were made to do. And then you go on to say that like one person's belief for you can kind of change the trajectory of your life. So talk about that a little bit. And because I thought that was such a powerful story.

Yeah, I think it's a good reminder that our words carry weight and power. You know, we have the ability to speak life over people and to encourage people and sometimes one conversation like I don't even know that my teacher would remember that conversation. If I brought it up to him, maybe he would, but maybe he wouldn't. And that just goes to show that you never know the difference a conversation can have in a person's life. You know, I'll never forget where I was standing and what he said and the power and the empowerment that it gave me to hear him say that. You know, because like you said, I grew up in a musical family. You know, my parents were both musical. My

brothers are, were in music. It hard no longer, but it's just kind of been this thing that people knew us by for a long time. And so it was always something I was passionate about and loved doing. Like I don't, I could never imagine my life without singing. But I don't think I ever thought of myself as having what it takes, you know, to do it for a career. I never saw myself that way until that conversation. You know, I was like, maybe this could be something for me.

Maybe I could actually see and, you know, what I have to offer and what I can bring to the table is enough, you know, maybe that's... Maybe I could find a place here. And so it just kind of gave me the extra little push that I needed to start to believe in me too, you know. That's so cool. That is such an encouragement to people listening of like, you know, you could be on the receiving end and somebody believes in you and that's like your go, or you could be the person that's giving the word. Like, hey, like, I see this in you. That's funny that you mentioned that about that person not remembering maybe because

I was with one of my best friends other day And I was hearing her have a conversation with someone else about her leading worship because she's a worship leader. And the girl was like, oh, you do that. And she was like, yeah, actually, she's like, it wasn't until Sadie told me, she said one day, she was like, Lanny, you were made to worship that I realized like, this is what I want to do in my life. And to be honest, I don't really remember saying that.

Like, I mean, I'm sure I did because I do believe she's made to worship and I do speak things like that over her. But I don't necessarily remember that moment, but it was so pivotal for her. And so that is such a reminder of what the word says. It like, our words carry the power of life and death. And we can speak something, a word of life that literally grows into someone's destiny.

So that's so cool. You mentioned a little bit about how you grew up like in music and everything like that, but something in the book you talk about is the way you grew up and the perspective you kind of had of Jesus. So kind of tell everyone like, what your relationship with God was like growing up

or kind of how you viewed Christianity as a whole. Yeah, for sure. So I grew up in a very small, conservative, evangelical Christian culture. I was the daughter of a pastor. And so if you, if you're listening to this and you grew up a pastor's kid, then I don't really have to explain this kind of fishable effect, you know, that everybody's watching you and from every angle and every little thing you do and say, you know, is being observed

kind of, you know, from a distance, but people, I kind of felt that pressure from a really young age, and I think I understood then as a very little girl, okay, people need me to be this. And, this for me meant perfect or at the very least it meant to appear perfect. Like even if there was stuff going on inside of me to suppress those things and to put on a tough exterior that I'm okay and you know I can do this, I can be who people need me to be. And while that pressure was never verbally placed on me, I think it was just kind of this unspoken understood thing that, you know, she's a pastor's kid and people have very real expectations of pastor's kids and I

feel like that's why pastor's kids oftentimes the stories that you hear, they do one of two things. They either bling the other way and they, you know, they go down a crazy dark destructive path or, you know, they go on to become pastors themselves or they, you know, they become spiritual leaders and there's very little between, I feel like, at least in my experience and my talks with other kids who grew up similarly to the way that I did. And so the way that that kind of manifested the older that I got is that I understood people are always going to need me to be something. And I can be whatever that is. And it doesn't matter what is going on on the inside, I can rise to the expectations that I know people have of me.

And it was this constant and word battle of who I felt like I was inside and who I felt like people made a movie. And so I maintained this for as long as I could. You know, I mean, through middle school or high school, I was always a good girl, you know, the girl and everybody knew it. And I never strayed from, you know, the girl and everybody knew it and I never strayed from, you know, what that looked like. And so, and I want to take a second here to just kind of delineate a couple things. There is nothing wrong with being good. Obviously, we all want to be good intrinsically. But I think when being good becomes the one single most important thing,

it becomes her entire identity. Rather than actually checking in with yourself at one, am I actually good? Am I actually good? Am I actually good? Am I okay? Do I know who I am as a person, as an individual? That's when it becomes a really slippery slope. And so for me, that slippery slope met me face to face when I got to college. And it was kind of this first step out of the bubble I was raised in when I thought I would get a chance to kind of step into myself and find out what like who is Kelsey? I've been told who she is my whole life and what she thinks and what she believes and who she you know believes herself to be but who do I actually think I am. And unfortunately I took the freedom that I found for the first time in college and I looked in all the wrong places for love and my identity and acceptance and confidence. And I found it in all the wrong places.

You know, I ultimately, because I went into college and having no earthly idea of who I was, and where my identity truly came from in Christ, I subjected myself to even more rising to the expectations of what everyone around me would be. And that played out in a situation with a boy. And it ended up being a very abusive relationship. And just a continuation of me bending to his will

and to what his desires were of me. Because I didn't know who I was going into that relationship. And it was incredibly damaging. Wow. What I believed about God at that time, because what I had been taught about people around me and being watched and under this microscope, is that everyone needed something for me

or needed me to be something. So that was what my understanding of God was as well. Wow. Also, God loves me. I was taught that, but God also of God was as well. But also God loves me. I was taught that, but God also surely needs something. Right. Like I can't just come as I am. First of all, what does that even mean?

There I even know who I am. Me, too. And secondly, surely I'm not just already good enough for God. Wow. He needs me to be something, too. And so that was the entire understanding that I had of him up to that point. And I looking back, I'm sad for that girl who looked in the mirror and had no idea who was

staring back at her. And the way that God viewed me then, if I could have only had the eyes to see, I think my life would have been very different. Yeah, for sure. Well, I feel like so many of us have been where you're at as well. And you can look back and you can say, if only I had the eyes to see. So many things would have played out differently. But thank God, you know, we do now. And hopefully, as we do, we can help other people kind of wake up in their own scenario, where they're at.

Because I know there are people listening right now that are like, wait, I thought to say I'm actually currently thinking the same thing that I have to be something forgotten. I'm not good enough yet for God. And so that's so good that you brought that up. Like I said, you touch on so many things that people are scared to touch on. And I think that because people are scared to touch on them, it gets the church doesn't talk about it, people just stay in it because they feel like they just have to. And this is what it is, and they're alone, they're hidden in it.

And so you talk a lot about their damaging relationship that you were in, and it was damaging for so many reasons. You know, when you look back at that, did you know in the moment it was bad or were you kind of blind to it even then? That's such a good question. And actually, when I get asked a lot, like how did that happen?

How did it get to that point? And sometimes looking back, I ask myself to this day the same question. I think ultimately it was a slow fade. I think I made the first bad decision, you know what I mean? And the first bad decision was allowing myself to enter into a relationship with a man who had dark spots that I think even I saw early on. Like, we were things that weren't right, but I was living in the tension of wanting to maintain my goodness that I had always had as a child and as a girl and as a teenager and also simultaneously wanting so badly to explore what maybe

not being good looks like. And I think there was a spirit in me, you know, that weird, it's really, really, ugly head. And so when I entered into that relationship, I did see red flags, but ultimately what happened was, it was a very slow fade, you know what I mean? Like, it was, of course, making small concessions here, small concessions there, and then before I knew it,

you know, all this timing passed, and I realized, oh my goodness, I'm not, I don't even, I don't know who I am anymore. I am a product of this man's desires and standards and the things that he needs me to be. That is the sum that makes this, you know, and I think it all really dates back to what I learned about myself as a child. And even though those messages were never spoken to me, and truly the people who influenced

me were good people doing the best they could. I heard, you know, and what I absorbed about just life in that space was that I could be loved by God, but I had to be these certain things. And the reality is, for those of you listening to this that didn't grow up that way, you know, didn't grow up with this incredible pressure being placed on you early as a child, we're, even if you can grow up that way, we're scrolling through these expectations every day as adults. I think in the culture that we live in, no one is exempt from this. No one is exempt from the pressures.

We're faced with them from every angle, every single day. I would like to go out on a limb here and say that it's turned up a notch for women. Women are expected to be everything to everyone and to look amazing doing it. And there is this absurd pressure that we are having to fight falling into every single day. You know, and so I feel like this message is relatable on any level, you know, and whether or not you grew up in a similar way that I did, like the reality is we're all being faced with it now, you know. Yeah, it's so true.

It is overwhelming. You talk a lot about that like false expectations that we have on ourselves or that people have placed on us or that we've, you know, maybe placed on ourself. And we love how you talk about like, you kind of gave like some, I guess signs in your life that you could see now of like, how hard you were trying. Like how hard you're trying to prove yourself, how hard you're trying to be a certain way. What would you say to people out there who have those false expectations? Like these are some of the signs that maybe you're trying to be a certain way. What would you say to people out there who have those faucets, petitions like, these are some of the signs that maybe you're trying too hard,

maybe you're trying to force something that isn't there. Right, that's such a good question too. I think my best piece of advice would be if you are in a relationship, and whether it's a dating relationship, or maybe a relationship with a family member or a friendship, just any kind of relationship where someone is telling you who you are or that you have to change certain aspects of yourself to be accepted in that environment.

That's a red flag. Get out. That's not a relationship that is that's know. If you are having to make concessions and adaptations to yourself, it's not because something's wrong with you, it's because something's wrong with that other person. And they have that they need to deal with on their own, having nothing to do with you. Our identity isn't found in all of these things and all of these hats that we wear as women and you know we're wise, we're mothers, we're speakers, authors, artists, friends, daughters like in that's all pieces of the puzzle that make up who we are but ultimately our identity is found in who your creator made you to, which you start taking things about you and changing that you are changing who God actually intrinsically designed to be. And my encouragement would be step into relationships and friendships that speak into that, that

version of you that you are honing, that identity that you are in Christ, like find people who will lift you up there and support you and hold you up. You know, stand behind you and hold you up when you can't do it. And I think, you know, those are the relationships that we need to be looking for because life is really hard. You know, life is really hard

and we were never meant to do it alone. Like we were built for community. We need community. We need help. That's right. I love that. I love you. You had a great revolution in the book where you kind of realize that you kind of placed

this guy as God in a sense. And honestly, I've been in that relationship. That was the same way. And I think sometimes like that's where that that lack of understanding who we are comes from is because when we look at God, like God, our creator, and then we think about who we are, then we know we're loved, then we know we're good, then we know we're worthy, we know we're enough, we know all this needs because that's who God is. But then when we look at someone else as our God, and that's who's telling us who our identity is,

then all of a sudden we're not enough, and we're unlovable, and we're not worthy, and we're not beautiful, and all those things, because we can't live up to this expectation, or even the comparison that maybe that person has put on us, who's not God, who's not our creator, you know. And so I do think you have to be very careful on who you put on the throne of your life, you know.

And I noticed that you had talked about that and I have been in the same position as you at one. One thing that you talked about was, and I thought this was so good because this is something that so many fall into and I've been here too is y'all kind of started to dabble on Across the line a little bit whenever it came to like your sexual purity and stuff and y'all were very interested and Going further and all of these things and you started asking yourself like these questions of like wait is this sex? Is this right? Is this wrong? Is what I'm doing? And I love how you said, like, there are a lot bigger questions than just is this sex. And I have done that and I feel like people in the church

do that, it's because like you think, like, oh, I'm not supposed to have sex. And so then you're just asking yourself, like, wait, is this, but in doing that, you're actually missing the heart of why God said that in the first place. And so can you share a little bit about your experience in that and what you know now versus what you knew then?

Yeah, and I mean, this is the really hard part of the story. This is the part that for a decade of my life I didn't talk about because there's so much shame around sex. And sex is really complicated. It wasn't ever meant to be complicated, right? Like that designed it as this gift to us and we have complicated it. You know, humanity, it's messy.

Sex is messy. And ultimately, the more of myself that I gave away to that man while I was in college, and I'm not even talking sexually, I'm just talking like I, you know, pushed friends out of my life because he wanted me to, you know, adapt and adapt to his friends. And so I didn't have, and, you know, I kind of systematically pulled all of the people and the voices and influences out of my life, slow enough that I didn't recognize that happening in real time. You know, I was I was far too deep in the relationship before I recognized what was happening. You know, and it was all part of an ultimate plan to gain full and utter control of me. And he ultimately, he got that, you know,

and it reflected that same mentality that he had over me in every other area of my life, just kind of led into our sexual life too, you know, like what happened in the reality was the only time my friend was seen by him was behind closed doors when we were alone. And you know, I had told myself these lies that if I gave him what he wanted and what he was pushing me for in the bedroom, that he would eventually he would love me. Right. That is this lie that I bought into hell come around, you know, he'll start showing you more affection and care in public if I give him what he wants in private.

And you know, I mean, hindsight is always 2020. I obviously know looking back at that poor, broken girl, I hate that she believed those lies, you know, but I did, I did at that time. And so like I said, I had not really been down any sexual roads with any other guys much. I had very little experience before this relationship. We'll just put it that way. And he pushed me. I mean, a little further every time. And ultimately, what I came to know later, and I'm talking like a

year and a half after I got out of this relationship, after I moved to Nashville originally from Illinois, after I moved to Nashville to do music here, I got an opportunity to audition for a grow group here. I didn't have anything else going on in my life at that time, so when I moved here or when I came to audition, I made the group and moved to your six weeks later. And I was hoping that I could hit the restart button, like just reset this whole thing. Nobody knew about that relationship when I moved here, nobody knew my past, nobody knew what I had been through. And so I was hoping to just kind of be able to turn the page when I moved to national and start over

But the reality is and we all know this yeah, that what you don't deal with in the past catches up with you in the present Right, like if you have trauma undoubt with trauma, right? That happened in the past It will come back. It will reservient and you will be forced to fake it at some point And that's exactly what happened after I moved to national like the reality was it will resurface. And you will be forced to fake it at some point. And that's exactly what happened after I lived in Nashville. Like the reality was what had happened with us sexually in the bedroom in that relationship haunted me. For a year and a half after I got out of the relationship

because I had never shared it with anyone. Because I felt so much shame and guilt around it. And I felt like it was my fault. And why couldn't I have got it? Why didn't I just say no? Like why didn't I right physically push him away from you? Like I asked myself these questions and blamed myself for not having done them in that relationship. And the way that it all came to me once I moved to Nashville is that I was such a broken person, so desperate to be loved and to figure out who I was.

I was a shell of a person. So I fell into the wrong crowd. I found out the whole for the first time and I found that when I drank, everything hurt less. Everything felt numb. You know, and I wasn't dealing with anything. I was lonely and everything. I was meditating this giant root of a problem in my heart that I could not face at that time, you know. And so I started making these awful decisions after I moved to Nashville and I was staying

out all night and I was bouncing around from party to party and I was with a guy who treated me really poorly here even because when I moved to Nashville, I was like, I'm never gonna enter into a serious relationship again because I can't subject myself to love. Like, I'm not worthy. So I'll just go mess around with guys who I know won't

because I'm not worthy to be loved at this point. Anyone actually knew what I've been through? No one would love me anyway. You know, that's what I believed about myself. And so one night, things got really bad. And my manager called me and was like, Kelsey, we can't keep you here. If you are going to keep staying out all night like this, this is not going to work for you. You will have to go home if some

things don't change and click. And I was like okay okay I'll do better. I can do better. I know I can't and I didn't. I did. And one night, well I was was out driving super late at night. It was pouring down right in actual. I mean, like pouring. And I was avoiding going home because the girls, I legit the girls in my band at the time and they all hated me because I was crazy. I mean, I was wild and I was living this destructive lifestyle and they were afraid that I was making all of us look bad. And I was, you know, so they, they made it very clear you are not welcome here.

And we don't want you in the group. They were pushing to have you remove from the group. And so in this weird and between period, I was just trying to stay away from the house till I knew everyone would be in bed and I could just kind of sneak in and go at that and not face it. I was constantly in like a boydance mode. And I just call from my dad, well, in this torrential downpour that I'm driving by myself on these back roads of Nashville. And my dad became one of the ones on the other side who was yelling.

And I know looking back, especially as a parent, he was so desperate for me to turn my life around. But he finally, he reached his right point too. And he was like, Kelsey, this is not really raised her to be. I don't even recognize you anymore. You are throwing your life away. You're just throwing your life away. Where are you? Oh my gosh. What are you doing? Kelsey, please.

And I mean, he's screaming at me and I'm sobbing and I can't tell him this thing in my life that I had been through in that relationship because I just, I couldn't even say the words out loud. And she found out on me that night. And I was like, I had this moment and I still have such a hard time getting those hardest break because it's like, as a parent, like my dad's desperation for me, I imagine that being Collins my daughter, you know, and how devastating it would be. And I threw my phone to the passenger seat and I don't know that I consciously made a decision in that moment to do what happened next, but I

didn't stop it. I had this moment where I was like, I can't do this anymore. I can't be here anymore. I can't be in this place where no one knows, no one knows what I've been through, no one knows what I've been dealing with. No one knows this big dark secret that I have carried around for a year and a half and a half. And no one loves me enough to ask me. And I felt I had this moment and again all of these things happened in fractions of a second. You know, I saw this pair of headlights coming down the road toward me, but they were a long way off and I was coming up to this bridge and there weren't guard rails on either side. And I just felt my car slowly going over that center line. And I

I didn't stop it. And I was like, this could be quick. This could be easy. And then it could be over. And I'm veering over this line. I can't see them crying so hard. And some, oh my word, this phone call, but it was divine timing. I hear my phone buzz again. And I look over. And it was my dad. It could not have been more than like 30 to 60 seconds from the end of the other call to the time when. Oh my god. And almost, I almost didn't pick up because I couldn't be screened up again.

And for whatever reason I reached over and I grabbed my phone and picked it up. And the person that I had ended the call with a minute before compared to the person that had called me right back with two different people. Something that happened in him too and that's six months ago. Wow. And when I picked it up he was sobbing and baby baby I'm so sorry I'm so sorry baby where are you? I'm so sorry Kelsey please like pull over I know I'm where are you I'm so sorry, baby, where are you? But I'm so sorry, Kelsey, please, like, pull over.

I know, where are you? Are you OK? And I jerk the wheel back into my lane and about that same time, that car that I could see way down the road past me. And I pulled over. And my dad was like, Kelsey, help me, help you. I am your daddy. I want, I want to sit in me, help you. I am your guide.

I want, I want to sit in this space with you, but you have to let me in. You have to let me in. And that was one of those moments that I call a movie moment because it's a moment frozen in time, like a snapshot in my brain of a moment that changed and altered the entire trajectory of where my life was going. You know? And so that very

next one I agreed to show up at a counselor's office. Like my dad had contacted my manager, my manager called someone in the middle of the night like she's not okay. We need someone to see her tomorrow, like first thing in the morning. So he made space for me. And I went and that meeting was the beginning of a very long, hard, painful road to healing, but that was the start. That night was rock bottom. And then the very next morning was like the sun hope that's had through just for a moment. I was like, maybe there's hope for me. Maybe what I can have on the other side of all else

is a chance that we're living true to who I am. And knowing that enough. Yeah, so I think for me, this first time sitting in counseling, you know, being able to be heard and known and given a safe space to just kind of like start to take these steps to our healing, it was for me the first time that I was starting to figure out who I was. I mean, for the first time in my life, I was like 23 or 24 years old. I'm giving the chance to look inside myself and really ask, who are you? Who did God call you to be Kelsey? And I mean, yeah. It gets better from this point. The story actually does finally

get better. And several weeks in to counseling, we did go back in time. And my counselor told me, next week, you're gonna come into this room, and you're gonna sit here. We've established a trust relationship. You know that I'm for you, and we're going to talk about what happens

with your relationship in college. Wow, it's like, no, no, we're not. You're like, no, thank you. You have to put it over that part because I cannot do it. And he was like, wow, you can. And you will. And you will be okay. You will be okay.

And I was like, no. So I went home that day and I promised myself that I would not go back the next week and I would not tell him what I had been through. And of course, God was preparing me that whole week, even if I drug my feet in the sand. I was like, you're not doing this. I'm not doing this. I can't live there again.

I cannot revisit the past. I cannot go there. I walked into his office that day and sat down and he was like, I need you to start at the beginning. And I felt this tangible piece come over me. And I found a spot on the floor. And my eyes never left that spot for the entire hour

that I sat there. And it was like once I started telling him the story, it just was like falling out. It was like all that I'd held so tightly for that year and a half of my life, all of these secrets, all of this pain. The minute I opened the door to let it come out, it was like flooding out at me and I could stop it. And I'll never forget, I'll never forget what happened that

day because my eyes never left that spot in the floor. And I know now, again, looking back, it was because of shame. I couldn't look at them because I had so much shame and it ruled in my life. And at the end, I had remembered all the details. Like they came flooding back to me and just like things he said to me and things he did to me. And I remembered them all and create detail. And I just, I couldn't believe I was hearing myself say it out loud. And when I finished talking about it, I can remember there being this very long pause, I mean, silence.

And it was uncomfortable. I had just unloaded my deepest, darkest, most awful pain. And it wasn't that with silence. But I could not, I could not look up when that spot on the floor. And finally, when it got, the silence got too long, I was just like, is he still, did he fall asleep? Like, what happened? And I peeled my eyes off the floor and when I looked up at him, he just was sobbing. And I had this like, this moment where I was like, oh gosh, are you like,

are you okay? And he's just getting. Wow. And I sat back and he said, I mean, with tears rolling down his cheeks, then I'm crying because I don't know why he's crying. And I'm feeling wow. I'm the one that's supposed to be crying. Yeah, and he looked at me and he said, Kelsey, I need you to hear someone say this. I am so sorry. Well, because he probably never said that

and he probably never will. And you need to hear him say that they are so sorry. Goodbye. Wow. And he was like in the second thing that I'm going to say, you're not going to like what you need to hear it. And he said, there's a turn that we use in the counseling therapy world to describe the trauma that you experienced with that man. And it's called rape. And Kelsey, he raped you for nine months of your life. And you endured actual health with a man who claimed to love you. And I was like, well, no, you don't

understand like he and he interrupted me. You don't understand. And I was bedding the next six weeks, six months, six years of my life, Kelsey, however long it takes to walk you through. Like this is textbook, sexual assault victim, verbiage, like you all think it to your fault and you could have stopped it. You, you know wow you could have

controlled the situation differently and the reality is at that point in your life you could not have escaped if you wanted to you he had full complete control of your life you would give him every piece that there was left to give up to that point. And I mean, he wouldn't let me argue. So I just listened and I walked out of his office that day and I survived. I survived telling the thing that I saw I would never tell. And we worked through all of that from month to come. And eventually I was able to sit down with my parents

and tell them for the first time what had happened and what I've been through. And, I mean, it was awful, but it was also so healing to be known for the first time. And so, a lot of like, and every time I noticed that every time I told the story and the more often I told it, the less power that had over me, you know, the less shame I lived in surrounding it, you know, it was just very

freeing to let that piece of me go and to know that I was loved even there. I was loved by my parents when I was known. You know I wow I let them in and they still love well I couldn't believe it you know I'm of course you know as a parent now I think how why did I think that my parents would love me differently or see me differently but you know you speak right you believe these lies. When you've been through something awful and traumatic like that. And I guess looking wonderful. I can see, you know, it was a pattern in my life. And that relationship happened because I went to the will

and the expectations of everybody around me on the time that I was a little girl. And so my career put us up and actually came to a place where I thought like I was ready to tell this story. And I'm like the most public of ways, you know, and a promise that I will come on here. I will never tell this story. I will, you know, it outside of my very close. Right, right, your circle.

Yes, I will never tell this story because it still did have I still did have shame and guilt at that time But I have moved past that you know the thing about trauma is it's always there you can work through it Yeah, I'm healing, but sometimes it resurfaces in weird ways and then you just know I've worked there this before and I can revisit it again, you know and And then I can move forward again, you know, that's yeah, that's it. Wow. And again, my hope and prayer for this book is for the women reading it, I want to take, I want to like, take a dynamite blaster to the stigas of the world, the things that

we don't talk about, the things that we hide and shame over because we think that people will see us differently or people will think differently and we'll lose clouds, or we'll lose, right. All of these things, like those are lies. The more that we confess what we've been through, and this is difficult, like there is power and confession, why? Because all of a sudden, we're known and still loved in that space, you know,

and it loses power over us. And so that's what I want for this book. I want people to read it and feel like they're having a conversation with me. And I've told them all of my deepest, darkest secrets to empower them to feel the freedom to do the same. You know, I want to take a step in bold faith and say, I'm not ashamed in my past anymore. I was for a long time. And I thought that I would

always be attached to it. And that it would always be a label on me. You know, but the reality is that part of my life is in part what made me who I am today. And as a mom and my daughter, I need her to know. I need her to know what happened, and I need her to know that you are never too far gone. You are never too far from God to go back in. You know, to be, to find your identity in him. Like that is the thing that I was missing in my life, the whole time, you know?

Yeah, that's so cool. Like your story is so real and so relatable. It's so many, unfortunately, that that is so many people's story. That's right. It starts out with these false expectations and trying to be someone that or not, and then we get into relationships we shouldn't be in,

and then we're hurt, and so we turn to drinking, we turn to whatever other numbing mechanism it is. And it's like the story of, you know, kind of giving yourself away, losing yourself. But I love how you talked about there's that moment. And I know that was so hard to bring up that I thank you for bringing that where you wanted

to just drive off the road because that would have been easy. And I've honestly had that same moment in my life. I was coming out of a really bad relationship as well and very similar to you. And I remember driving and thinking, I could just do this right now and it would be easy and I wouldn't have to think about it and just wanted to make that decision, but I didn't. And I feel like in that moment, God just really brought my perspective way bigger than just my little circumstance that I was in in that moment and God just kind of really brought my perspective way bigger than just my little circumstance that I was in in that moment and showed me a bigger picture of my life.

And I feel like for you, your father was able to do that. He was able to say, I can't help you. There is hope here. You're not too far, whatever has happened. I'm in it with you. And when you felt that, you made a decision. And that decision was hard and you had to go to counseling and it was hard and you had to talk about things you didn't want to talk about.

But now you're married and you have three kids and you're doing what you love to do when you've written a book and you're helping people out of it. And it's just this beautiful testimony. And so I'm so glad you shared that because there's someone today listening who wanted to take that, you know, steering wheel off, you know, today, yesterday, last night, and they're like, wow, there might be hope for me. You know, here's two women who have said that and felt that and believe that we were too far gone. But yeah, God's still doing something with our story. And God can still do something with your story wherever you're at and your life. I love there is a quote that you said in the book and you said, 100% of me wanted to pursue God and 100% of me wanted to hide from God.

And I think maybe that might have had to do with your past like, well, I'm not good. You know, I don't feel good. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel anything. So I can't possibly rush it with God. But then the other part of you is like, but I do know that God's good And I do know that God's loving and if I can only have that and now here you are like with the Lord And so what would you say just kind of a last piece of advice like directly to the person who's like they messed up They've gone too far

They're living in shame and then 100% of them wants to believe that God is for them But 100% of them also wants to actually hide from who God is because they have, they're just feel like they've blown it. I think what I would say to the girl listening to this or the guy who ever, whoever's listening, not alone, not alone. The world wants you to think you are, and you're not alone. And you, but the thing that I wish I had known, I mean, from the jump of my life, right, is that I was already good enough because I was a child of God. Like the thing about it and now you know you're a mama you know like the thing that changed inside of me and the thing that really started to shift my perspective of God is when I became a mother because what happened was I opened up this whole new world of love that I never I didn't know existed before I had it you know and I look at my children each one and I mean Sadie I know you know this because you are a mom there is

nothing there is absolutely nothing that your baby girl could do no nothing that would change the way that you love her. There is nothing. There is nothing that she could, she could walk away from you, she could curse your name, she could say, I want nothing to do with you mom for the rest of my life and your love for her. With her name. That's the truth. And we are only capable of human love. So how much more does God heal that kind of love for you, for me, for a person listening to this? It is, it's a love we can't even wrap our minds around. So if you know intrinsically, you are already loved that way because you belong to God. Suddenly, there's this shift that happens.

And you're like, I'm already loved all of my mess. Today, the way that I'm showing up, I don't have to show up as any version of myself, but the one that feels true to who I am. And I'm already in that space. It changes your entire perspective of God. Suddenly, you're like, I am worthy of love. And I'm worthy of your treated world. And I'm worthy of my treated well.

And I'm worthy of good things coming to me. You know, like I'm worthy of all of these things that I didn't believe I was worthy of until I understood for the first time God's love for me. Like it changed, it shifted. It was this cataclysmic like explosion in my brain and in my heart when I became a mom, I was like, oh my gosh, if I can love my kids this way, how much more can God love me? That's that message right there. Like if you hear nothing else that I

said today, would you all, would you know this? that you are already fully recklessly and utterly loved by God if you do nothing different in your life if you don't become what the world tells you that you have to become but you just you just are loved because you exist that is my prayer for this book and for this book and for the book. This book ended. You are already loved, right? I haven't won any of these. Amen. Amen.

I echo everything she said that you're not alone and that you're already wildly loved. I love that you can't even comprehend you're that loved. And so Kelsey, thank you so much for saying the things that are hard. Thank you for sharing your story. Whenever it was probably really hard to write down on paper

and relive again, but it's waking people up to where they're at and reminding people that there is hope and there is life beyond the hardest day that you have. And there is life beyond the biggest mistake that you've made. God is still for you, He still loves you, He's still with you. And I'm excited. So people, if you haven't read it yet,

go get over it that Kelsey Grimm it's so great so real so relatable and you can come as you are whenever you read it and feel so seen and so known and so Kelsey thank you for being on the podcast such good advice and thank you for sharing your story with us thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye. Thank you so much for having me say goodbye.