Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - A Boyfriend for Every Stage of your Life (w/ Jessica McKenna)

Episode Date: July 19, 2019

Jessica McKenna (Off Book podcast) has had a boyfriend in every stage of her life. She details the drama behind her middle school romance, to meeting boys in high school mock trial, and charming her current man with her Disneyland bathroom knowledge. Nicole shares a moment she had with a homeless man, and shares her story of sexual assault in public.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? I'm not going to do it again. It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how she's still single, even though if she eats a cracker too fast and then starts talking,

she'll start choking, just like she'll choke on your dick. I don't know why I was speaking about myself in the third person. Usually I say I. This is already wild. Anywho, my guest today, you know her, you love her. She performs at UCB. She was also on DC's Superhero Girls, Super Shorts, also Little Big Awesome, Big City Greens. We were on a failed Fox television show called Party Over Here. Also, we did Sketch big city greens. We were on a failed Fox television show called Party Over Here. Also, we did Sketch Together for such a long time at UCB

and she's got a podcast called Off Book on the Earwolf Network. It's Jessica McKenna! Boop-ba-da-boop! Whoa! That was fun. It's fun, right? Hearing like credits and stuff. Yeah, I was like, oh, oh yeah, reoccurring VO credits. This is fun. Uh, well, I think VO's oh, oh, yeah, reoccurring VO credits. This is fun.

Well, I think VO's the best kind of job. Oh, man, it's great. You wake up, you don't put on any makeup. Maybe you don't shower. Who cares? No one's really going to smell you. Truly. Yeah, it's a blast.

I love it. Jess, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Oh, no problem. I've wanted to get you for a very long time, but I feel like you're always traveling and like with your family who loves you. Oh, that's so nice. And I feel like you're always traveling. We're just both always traveling. We are always traveling. Where is time? What does it happen? I don't know. It's so weird that I don't get to see people I love as often as I get to see them. Because, like, we used to do sketch. So I would see you once or twice a week.

And then we would do our show once a month. And then we stopped doing that. And then it was, you have to, like, make the time to hang out with people. We got to do it. I felt like we had to go to Austin to hang out. Yes, we did Moon Tower in Austin. And it was so delightful to hang out. Yes, we did Moon Tower in Austin and it was so delightful to see you. While we were there, the biggest

cockroach in the world was crawling up this wall and then took flight. Took flight like a bird. Like it suddenly, we were like on the fence if this was some sort of not even a bug, it was actually a bat. It was so large.

It was large and in charge, and I ran away from it. Yeah, it was scary. Oh, it was terrifying. Jess, you're not a single lady. I'm not. You're a taken lady. Off the market. Off the market.

You are gift-wrapped up for someone. You're not for sale. Every night I put a bow on and I say, here I am. Wait, is that what relationships are like? Yeah, you need to get more bows, Nicole. Okay, maybe if I get more bows, somebody will date me. But you've been married for a long, long time. Married for four years and we've been together nine in August.

Ooh, that is, that's such a long time. Almost a decade. We've been together in August longer than high school and college combined, which is very weird. That is weird, but also a really fun way to quantify the amount of time. Yeah, I really like thinking about like those four years on whichever one are so formative. So much happens. It gets like packed in. And then to think that it's longer than that combined my entire like growing up is wild.

Soon you'll have been together. No, that doesn't make any sense. I was about to be like soon you guys are going to have been together longer than you've been alive. That doesn't make any sort of sense. Well, that's what I say, because I'm like, this is till death, till us forever. I'm going to, we're going to dance on a cloud. And he's like, I'm pretty sure that's not what happens. And I said, till death do us part.

I love that the afterlife is you dancing on a cloud. And me going, I told you. And he's like, oh boy, I'm tired. Can't we just take a nap? How did you guys, I don't think I know the story of how you met. So we both went to the same college, but not, we were, I didn't know him at school. And then when I first graduated from college, I spent one, not even a year in New York, before I was like, I think this is maybe not for me.

This is not for me. This is not for me. This is not for me. This is not for me. This is stressful and hard. How are you creative when all of your time and energy goes towards grocery shopping? I just didn't understand the time. I have this memory of getting a full-length mirror at Bed Bath & Beyond and taking it home on the subway and everyone looking at me but seeing themselves and being like, this is untenable honestly pretty funny yeah I mean imagine if you weren't just shopping for a mirror

and like your bit in life was like I want you to see yourself see yourself in me see the struggle in this rush hour train um no it was great I didn, it was like not an anti-New York. It was just sort of like, oh, I think I want to be in LA. But anyway, so when I moved to, back to California, I'm from Orange County. I was spending like the summer basically just at home because our mutual friend, former guest of the pod, Jen D'Angelo, was going to come out to be my roommate and her summer was a little up in the air too. So I was like, all right, cool. I'll just spend the summer at home in Orange County. And I can come up and kind of get bearings. And then we'll look for a place when you get here. So I was at a party of mutual Northwestern friends. And he was at that

party. So I wasn't even in L.A. yet. It was like the end of July. I was living in Orange County, just like going on bike rides. So he was at a party in Orange County? No, so I came up to LA. Ah, okay. I would like come up sometimes, and this actually, I came up that day to audition into the Groundlings classes, and then my friends were like,

we're having a party. So I stayed, went to this party, and then my friend Dan told, I talked to three new men that night that I'd never met who were like older northwestern people I probably talked to each of them for 10 minutes and I would say absolutely no flirting in any of these conversations whatsoever just truly like hi oh you went oh at dorm where you went like so nothing no no vibes no energy from none of them but then my friend Dan was like someone at this party is asking about you and wouldn't tell me who it was.

And I'm like, well, I, this is, from that? Any of those conversations was very surprising to me. And then when I got home, he had Facebook friended me and included a message as you could use. I don't know if you can still do that. Who knows? I had a fun time talking to you at that party. Would you want to go out sometime? Oh, what a treat.

Oh boy. And it was his birthday and he had just eaten all you can eat sushi. I think that's a perfect birthday. You eat all you can eat sushi. You go to just a party with no expectations. You talk to this lovely woman you're like i like that i would like i want that what a good birthday yeah i also like how forward he was but not in a threatening way not forward enough to like ask me to my face um but yes he was and

actually someone else had given him the actually two Actually two people were like, no, don't ask her out yet. She's not in the city yet. And like one of our friends tried to date her. And she was like kind of, I think like a loo. And like, no, they weren't like talking crap or anything. It was just like, just let her get set up. You'll see her get it up. Let it be more organic.

And he was like, no. No. No. I love that. Also, I had sort of started daydreaming about moving to L.A. after I had no idea what I was doing in New York. And I would just go to open calls for Broadway type stuff or Broadway tours and things like that. And there were going to be auditions for Lieutenant of Anishmore, but here at the Mark Taper. And I was trying so hard to figure out how I could audition, but they were only having union auditions.

They were trying so hard to figure out how I could audition, but they were only having union auditions. But it kind of was the catalyst that made me think, oh, maybe I'll go back to California and I'll do this if I could get in this play. And then maybe I'll get like an agent that way and then I'll stay. And then I was like, I think I just want to move to L.A. And then that play was our first date. Oh, that's I think it's called Kismet. Yeah. When something that's like meant to be is meant to be.

And it like, it's kind of full circle. Yeah. I love it. That's Martin McDonough. Uh-huh. That's a pretty intense first date. Here's the other thing that's actually bananas when I think about it now. He was like, pitched me three ideas. He's like, do you want to go see Convoy at UCB?

They're my favorite improv team. I can come to you in Orange County and we can go like mini golfing or something, which was very sweet that he volunteered to drive. Or he's like, or we could go see this play. And actually the, the woman who got that part that I wanted to, not that I would ever have gotten it, but that I like wanted to even try to audition for was a friend. Like he knew her from Northwestern. Wow.

He's like, or we can go see this play. And I was like, I let's go see that play. And I was like, let's go see that play. And I just fully picked the most expensive option. Well, it's expensive. And also, I don't remember that play, but have you ever seen or read The Pillow Man? Yes. It's fucking, they crucify a little girl on stage.

It's intense. Well, the Lieutenant of Anishinaabe opens with a man dangling from his feet being tortured. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And the main guy in the play was Chris Pine. And then after we saw the play, we went to the sausage and beer place around here. And the whole cast was there, too. So very strange.

So this is before Chris Pine really took off. He was still fairly famous. He had already been in Star Trek. Oh, okay. Were people crowding him? Kind of. That must be intense. It was weird.

It was pretty chill because it was darkly lit, and I feel like L.A. people are a little chiller about celebrities in L.A. They're a little more like, we don't make a big deal out of this. Be surprised. I went to Ample Hill's Creamery yesterday, and two little boys ran up to me and said, do you play and nailed it? And I was like, well two little boys ran up to me and said, do you play? And nailed it.

And I was like, well, I host it. And then they went, bye. Oh, that's cute. Well, they don't have chill yet. And also, people in Austin were wild to you. I need the listeners to know that Nicole is gracious and lovely and very kind and patient. But don't say weird. Don't say weird stuff. People say the strangest things to me. You were so kind. I just But don't say weird. Don't say weird stuff.

People say the strangest things to me. I've just really gotten used to it. You were so kind. Well, I don't know what to say. I don't want to be like, hey, what you just did was weird. And you got to go home and think about it. Just don't interrupt. If you see Nicole talking to Sashir, you do not get to interject to say, wow, you're pretty.

It's so weird. It is weird. Get out of here. People really love to tell me you're prettier in person. I hate that. And I say, thank you. Then I go home, look in the mirror and go, do I look like dog shit on TV? That's so ridiculous.

Is that what you're trying to tell me? I mean, you glow. You glow in both settings. Thank you. Today I'm glowing because of the oil on my face. You look so good right now. Thank you. You got sort of like long, loose, wavy curls with a slight pin back.

Yes. We have like a pretty extended out cat eye right now. Great lashes, great brows. Thank you. She's looking great. Jess, you're looking great. I was saying you look like a summer vacation. You're wearing a loose striped shirt, some olive, not capris, but they're like ankle pants. You're

wearing some Birkenstocks. I love it. Your hair is down. It is flowing. Thank you so much. You look great. Thank you. So nine years. Okay. I read an article that said that when you're dating someone, you don't actually know them until about like a year and a half, two years in. Do you agree or disagree? What are your thoughts? I think that some of my other dating experiences were kind of born out of, were around. It was really different with Morgan that we began as completely like,

oh, we're outwardly dating, rather than like you're a friend that I've like been around with and now all of a sudden feelings have developed um so yeah I would say it probably took like a year or more and if I think about it I feel like that first year is probably the most like tumultuous of like oh hard to understand and get on the same page whereas Whereas now, I know him so well that I give him a lot more. I have so much more understanding about him. More of a, oh, we're coming at this differently

because of how we're fundamentally different people versus, I think, also just an age thing. When we started dating, I was like, I don't understand. Why don't we define love exactly the same way? Why aren't all of our experiences leading to the same conclusions and so I think it was also my own maturity you know but yeah I think it took a while you guys do a lot of cute things together one of my favorite Instagram pictures is you guys at Coachella not in matching short overalls but in like variations of these short overalls. And I was like, this is so fucking cute.

Thank you. Those were made by his mother. Oh, yeah. You did tell me that. And I love it. She made us overalls for Coachella. He wore the same one every day. Last year, we had matching shirts that said friendship.

Yeah, we're pretty dorky. shirts that said friendship um yeah we're pretty dorky i mean i feel like he doesn't have um a lot of he has no cool kid factor he puts absolutely no he doesn't he's not interested and like he you know he doesn't dress boy i really wish he would listen to me about how he dresses do you have a lot of conversations about how he dresses? Yeah, I mean, for him, he's like, I just choose to understand when it matters, which is like, if I'm in an interview or if I'm going to work, yes, I want to look nice and presentable and put together, but I don't care about looking cool. And I'm like, you should care about looking not cool, but just, you could bump it up a little bit.

Like, put together. Yeah, and let's get you some, like, more rotation in the shoe. Right now he'll, like, get a pair of sneakers and then wear them until they're dead, and they won't necessarily be great. And then a compromise was we got him Allbirds, and he, like, over-tightened them, so now they look like duck clown shoes, and he has to double-knot them, or else they are, and he just does not care. And then if it's the weekend or we're not like with people,

like we're not with my family or something, he will truly dress insane. I made him get these shorts for our honeymoon that I truly in my mind was like, they'll only be worn on this trip that were like white shorts with palm trees on them, which were okay. That's a big swing,

but they were from like old Navy and like $15. I'm like, let's get fun honeymoon clothes so he was like fine I'll get these shorts that I hate and then they grew on him or whatever so then he would wear them constantly but like with a white t-shirt so he'd be in like all white he looked like he was gonna go play tennis yes but then or like with an orange like just never I was like these shorts have like two approved shirts and you're never wearing them. I love that so much.

Sounds like my dad. My dad wore essentially like a uniform. Yeah. He had like button downs in a couple different colors and then very ill-fitting pants. Yeah. That you would tuck these button downs into. And then one day he wore a purple one because my mom bought him a purple one. And we were like,

Dad, you look so good. And he was like, grumble, grumble, grumble. And then never wore it again. Ugh, I know. I was like, do you not want to look good? I know.

What's your deal? I know. It's like, it's one thing you don't have to care about fashion, but you can care about like how you present yourself to the world. I like want to be in a relationship specifically to fight with someone over trivial things. Oh. I would love to be in a relationship specifically to fight with someone over

trivial things. Oh. I would love to just be like, just luck batter. I know. You gotta keep it absolutely. You gotta keep it real light with my boy though because he has a low tolerance for fighting and needless bickering. So it all has to be like, hey!

Oh my gosh! That's a fun choice. What's happening here? I love that so much. Where did you go? Wait, how long did you date? So you got married four years ago. So you dated for five years before getting married. And then when did you move in together after marriage or before marriage? I did not want to live together till we got married. So we, it got like scooted by two months by nature of needing to find a place and have like moved out in time. So we did not live together until we were married. Basically, we fudged it by like two months.

May I, is it a personal reason? No, I just, it wasn't. I think maybe I grew up thinking very like traditionally about my, about my romantic future. But for me, it was more like I wanted there to be a real hard distinction. Okay. I wanted it to really feel like we were turning a page rather than, oh, we just kind of like slid into the evolution as a couple. I felt like when we get married, it should really feel really different.

I like that. And he didn't like that at first. He was like, I always imagined that I would live with the person so that I could really like know the deal. And I was kind of like, you'll know the deal. Like, I don't know if a toothbrush situation is like what's going to break us. We are made of not tough stuff. We are made of not tough stuff.

I really hope that becomes a slogan for something. We are made of not tough stuff. I really hope that becomes a slogan for something. We are made of not tough stuff. Where did you go on your honeymoon? Costa Rica. Ooh, that's fun. Were you on the coast or inland? Both. Ooh.

We did like three days inland and three days on a coast. How did you come to the conclusion to go to Costa Rica? Great question. Well, we kind of were interested in going somewhere neither of us had been. But I didn't want to go somewhere where I would feel like we had to go, go, go. Like, oh my gosh, we have to get up and be on safari or else we're going to miss this opportunity. Or like, we have to go see a million museums. I wanted to still park on a beach and kind of have a low impact for doing things.

And that kind of... But he is not really interested in those types of vacations as much. So this felt like a little compromise because we did just sort of sit in different pools of water. Like, we're going to go to a hot spring. We're going to go to the pool. We're going to go in this hot tub.

That's my favorite type of vacation. Getting pruney and then eating a dinner. That's exactly. And then waking up, getting pruney and eating a dinner. And that's exactly what we did. In between the transfer place, we went to like a national park. That was like the most when we did like a hike. But other than that, it was just like sitting in water, drinking drinks, sitting in different water, drinking different drinks.

You got married here, yes? Mm-hmm. Where's Morgan from? South Carolina. Oh, so did all his family have to fly out? Mm-hmm. Was that a point of contention? Did any of the family be like, I don't want to?

No, we had, I, my dad paid for it, so it was very much like, well, we're going to kind of have a little more muscle here because we're like, quote, unquote, hosting it. Mm-hmm. And also, I have a much bigger extended family than him. Oh, okay. So it was kind of like a wash. And I still had some family coming from out of town,

but my inherited list because I was also, my older siblings got married before me, and since my parents paid for all three of those weddings, they were like, and now here's the must invite. Like, Jessica, you can't cut someone who was at Kathleen's wedding kind of thing. So I started with 105 people I had to invite. Whoa. That's wild.

So I knew everyone at my wedding and Morgan probably didn't know like 70 people. Whoa. That's a pretty big wedding. How big was your guest list at the end? I think 195. Whoa. I don't think I know 195 people.

Yes, you do. You're gonna, when you're making your list, you're gonna be like, crap! And you're gonna like have a hard time getting it down to 250.

Oh, boy. You'll be shocked. It'll like blow your mind how quick it bumps up. Maybe I'll marry somebody who doesn't have a friend or family. So it'll just be like, 50 people, and we're like, yay, we did it.

Did you have a boyfriend in middle school? Yes. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in middle school. Well, I probably shouldn't say his name, but his first name was JR. I think, oh gosh, I think he's maybe the only, I think he's the boy I loved the most next to Morgan. If I think about the true

intensity of that relationship, it really blows my mind. I really feel like it was maybe more intense feelings. Now, I think it's the first time you're feeling anything like that. So you're like, and your body kind of can't contain it. But I feel like I was like kind of obsessed with him in a way. And then this girl, a friend of both of ours also had

a crush on him. And it became this very dramatic, like love triangle where then when we got back together, we kept it secret. Oh my God. I love this. Yeah. Oh Yeah I love this so much I did not have any romance happen in middle school So like I watch things like 13 Reasons Why or Euphoria Because I think I'm like trying to like Live through these teens Being all horny and loving each other Yeah

So did you date for all of middle school? All three years? No So my middle school all three years no so we only uh so my middle school is only seven and eight and i we we dated off and on through seventh grade and then in eighth grade when he dated other girls it was like so traumatic oh boy that does suck because i feel like most of middle school and high school dating is just outwardly showing that you're dating someone.

Yes. By, like, holding hands and then, like, a peck on the cheek or on the lips before you walk into class or whatever. It was really weird because then you would hear, like, rumors about stuff. So he and I, like, maybe pecked on the lips, like, twice. Mm-hmm. Very chaste. But it was really, like, intense emotionally, I suppose. And then I would, like, hear rumors hear rumors about, I don't know,

okay, so now he's probably making out with this new girl. And I would just be like, oh, oh, I was too prudish for him. And I feel like at that age, everything has so much gravitas and weight to it. So you're just like, I truly, I wasn't horny enough for him. Truly. He didn't want me and all I wanted to do was hold hands and high five. Uh-huh. Totally. I get that. And when this girl who was

like, we both were good friends with who liked him also, when she found out that we had been back together for two months since the community dance, she left choir like, I mean, we were in choir class and she like ran out to the bathroom like sobbing and i was just like to my teacher like i have to go follow her and my teacher was like okay and me and her spent the entire period like sobbing in this

bathroom where i was like i'm sorry but we really like each other you can't ask us not to be together i'm sorry but we kept it a secret because we care about you I love this so much this is like a sweet valley high novel I have never been more pleased to hear this it's so funny because in comparison I mean truly he was probably the only boy who had a crush on like I was not blah like I was I was like very flat-chested dressing like a boy like very this is not this is this paints a picture of this was like very flat chested, dressing like a boy, like very. This is not, this is, this paints a picture of, this was like the one cool thing that happened. The rest of the time I was just like schoolwork. You do strike me as a person who follows rules and loves school.

Uh-huh. Both are true. Boy, I miss school. Aw man, I'm just itching to get back to school. I wish I could buy supplies and answer questions. Honestly, if you did that, that would be really funny. You should host a school party. Okay.

We all just got to get drunk, get out a ruler. Oh, this sounds fun. Get out protractors and try to make circles. I got to do it. I want us all to dissect a book, though. I'm not interested in repeating math and science. No, thank you. Keep them on the shelf.

Not for me. But for us all to have read Hatchet and been like, what do we think about Hatchet? Well, why don't you start a book club? You're right. I think it was Gilly I was talking to where I was like, we should start a book club. Who was it? I don't know. I wrote it down on my phone and I keep, it's a note on the notes app and I keep running

across a book club and I'm like, who did I say this to? Okay, I'm going to start a really strict one, where if you come and you haven't read the book, you can leave. You can fucking get the fuck out. I would be like, all right, I got to go. Like, I read the Wikipedia page. Exactly, I'd be like, okay,

please at least read the cliff notes that are handed to you at the door. When you come in, you have one hour. Please be able to contribute to conversation. I would go i would really like it did you have a boyfriend in high school i did this is so cool it's really cool like a lot of people who are like no i didn't really date until i like you know came into my own and blossomed. But I love it. Like while you're blossoming, you were dating. Well, here's the thing.

I've always had a lot of guy friends and I've always I've always been around like guy friends. My birthday parties growing up always had more boys than girls. Wait, before we get into the high school boyfriend, we got to take a break. And we're back with Jess McKenna And we're talking about how she is Yummy for men Well, I really don't I don't want to like paint this in a light Where I'm like, it's so cool to be a guy's girl

F girls who aren't Like, boy So, yuck. But I just mean I was legitimately. I had a ton of boy, not because I didn't, I was not like, girls are weird. I just had a lot of guy friends. And I think I had that thing where, oh, I just, enough time around some of these boys, they'd be like, I guess I do want to have a crush on you.

So, I mean, like, I guess I do want to have a crush on you. So, I mean, again, pretty nerdy. There was a boy who I was very good friends with my sophomore year when I first started doing mock trial. And then by junior year, we were like, oh, we have crushes on each other. But it was a whole year of doing make-believe courtroom before we were like. Did you wear suits? Uh-huh. Oh, boy, I love this so much.

Just like some teens with zits and suits being like, wow, she really argued that case well. I think I could argue my case to date her. Yeah, you're getting it. I mean, so it's much more like when in Mean Girls they pan over to like the like making out band geeks. You know, like I don't want to throw shade at Mock Trial. It was very cool. But it wasn't like, oh, we're meeting at party. I didn't go to a single high school party.

Really? Yeah. I mean, I had a wide variety of friends, and I would maybe be with partying-type kids on dances and stuff. Oh, we all went to homecoming or whatever. But all of high school, I never went to like, parents are gone and there's alcohol party i went to a couple not like a bunch it wasn't like every weekend but uh i remember vividly it was a drama kid party very cool uh i asked somebody who was gonna be there who was

older to get me absolute vanilla i don't know why i thought that was gonna be be there who was older to get me absolute vanilla. I don't know why I thought that was going to be good. And I was drinking it straight. Oh, my gosh. And now I cannot have absolute vanilla. Yeah, absolutely not. It is. I can't have any vanilla vodka. It's so, ugh.

I drank like half a bottle of it. What do we even know when we start? What do we even know when we start? What do we even know? You know nothing. You're just like, yeah, natural ice is the creme de la creme of beers. I love it. I love it. The more it tastes like water, the better it is.

Nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Now I like, not a heavy beer. I can't drink a Guinness. That's too heavy. I can like once on St. Patrick's Day or like maybe a couple darker beers at Christmas time. But yeah, no, I'm like, I'm a real hip IPA girl. Oh, there you go.

I don't even know what the difference is between like, I know a stout is very heavy and IPA is like kind of heavy. Well, an IPA has a high ABV, like a high alcohol content. Well, an IPA has a high ABV, like a high alcohol content. Oh. So it's like heavy and like a dark beer can have a heavier ABV, but it's lighter in color and it's hoppier, more of that bitterness of hops. Oh. You know a lot about beer. Whoops.

Whoops. I had Everclear for the first time a couple weeks ago. What? I love it. How did you not have it earlier? I don't know. That's crazy. I mean, to me, that is...

That's what everyone kept saying. That's like a 20-year-old you put in punch. That's like jungle juice. Yes, I never had it. I think it was because I always BYOB'd. I would bring my own bottle of absolute vanilla. So I never really drank jungle juice. But Everclear is fun.

I mean, it will be efficient. I had maybe half a shot of it and was the happiest I've ever been. That's great. I love it. And then I was going to smoke a cigarette, and this is on a set, and they're like,

please do not smoke a cigarette right now. Do not light anything near your mouth right now. And I was like, really? They're like, yes, it is highly flammable. Oh my gosh. Never thought of that. Yeah, they were like, if you must, rinse your mouth out with water.

And I was like, I think everyone's being really just, this is overkill. Until I saw them light it on fire and it immediately goes up in flames. Oh my gosh. It's wild. Whoa, put it in your body. Put it right in your gosh. It's wild. Whoa. Put it in your body. Put it right in your body.

It works fast. And you can't get it in some states. Really? You can't get it in New York. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So my friend who was on set with me was like, yeah, I have to drive to Jersey to get it. And I was like, this is very curious.

Yeah. But I love it. I love it so much. Well, it's fun when you can just do it quickly. You know, when alcohol just goes quick, you're like, oh, wow. Yeah, it's like, ooh, this is powerful stuff. What a rollercoaster. I love it. Did you have a boyfriend in

college? I think the answer is yes. This is so exciting. I love that you've dated. But I really feel like I haven't because these are like okay these are the boys I've kissed here we go they go in order and then I'm married um yes so my high school boyfriend was a year older than me so my senior year we were still together but it was a little like wonky because he was in Boston playing junior hockey. He was a delight, a very sweet boy.

But we broke up when I went to college. And then end of freshman year, I started dating a boy that, get this, I also met in mock trial. I love it. I love it. You keep arguing and they keep coming. Maybe I should do mock trial. Yeah. Is there adult mock trial? I guess that's just like getting arrested.

I was going to say being a lawyer. Yeah. But that would be great if there was. I would really flip for it. I didn't like it as much in college. I quit after freshman year. There was like a moment where Kanye played Northwestern and I missed it because I was doing a tournament in Des Moines. And I was like, I think I'm making the wrong choices.

I'm really glad you quit because of Kanye West. Yeah. I like that. Something I really owe him and I'm sure he would love to take credit for. I mean, imagine someone told that to him, and he just really found delight in it. I feel like he would find delight in it. Yeah, I think he would think it was beautiful that I wanted joy over regimented mock trial, maybe. I think so.

And then also, Kim is becoming a lawyer. I know. Well, so then would he hate it? No, I think he would like it. He'd be like, my girl's a lawyer, and I made her... Oh, no, he would hate it. Yeah. Now I see where we're going with that.

That's okay. I'm all right. Current Kanye, I'm okay being opposed to. He a little wild. Also, Kim has new shapewear, and she called it kimono. And I don't know why she did that. Why did you do that, Kim? Can't call it kimono.

It's not even a kimono. Come on, Kim. Maybe it was like Kim on Kim on you. Kim on you because you will buy anything she puts out. That's what she should have named it. Kim on you. And then everyone would be like, yes, queen, yes,

Kim on me. Kim, you can take that for free. Yeah, Kim, if you're listening to Why Won't You Date Me, you can have that idea. I wouldn't be surprised. I would. I fully would.

She doesn't have time to listen to podcasts. Um, yeah. She's busy. Flights. Oh, maybe. But I feel like when you're flying private, there's so much you can do. That's true. And also being like driven in.

I mean, when was the last time you drove to freaking Cal you can do. That's true. And also being like driven in. I mean, when was the last time you drove to freaking Calabasas? It's far. It is far. They must spend a good amount of their time in traffic. In cars. And I appreciate that that's not really a huge part of the show. Because imagine the whole show was just like to and fro. And then you know we're stuck on the

101. We're stuck in the traffic from Malibu. We tried to pop up from the 405 and it's not working now. Yeah. But yes, I met another boy in mock trial and we dated till my junior year. Okay. And then you didn't have a boyfriend senior year? Correct. Oh.

And then no boyfriend that whole year in New York. Kept trying to fall in love with boys on trains. I fully identify with that. Kept trying to make eye contact. Yes. And trying to like have a real meet cute. Like look at us on the D train stuck underground. Just like eyeing each other.

What are you reading? Really just falling in love. Oh my gosh. We're getting off at the same stop. This is wild. Do you live near me? Are we neighbors? Oh my gosh, what's happening? My friends tell a story that one time

I ran down the street after a boy that I had been making eye contact with. I don't really remember this. I feel like the story's gotten a little hyperbolic over the years, but I think I did just run back and I was like, huh, I didn't find him. I've chased after boys and then they get lost

in the crowd. Yeah. I once put up, I don't know if I've told this story before, I once put up a misconnection because I was going down the 23rd street subway stop on the one and there was a very handsome homeless man sitting there and I like gave him a dollar and we like touched hands and I was like, oh my God. Oh, okay. And then he like touched my shoe and was like, I like your boots. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, OK. And then he like touched my shoe was like, I like your boots. And I was like, thank you. And then we just like kind of stood there and stare at each other, like having this weird moment. And then the train came and I was like, I have to get on the train. He's like, I have to sit here. And then I got on the train. I was like, I think I love him so then I wrote a misconnection on Craigslist and I was

like if you happen to like you know clean up and like find a computer you're looking for this black woman whose boot you touched it's me and I did get people responding who were like I really hope you find him this is a really cute story and I didn't find him but if you're listening to why won't you date me uh why don't you follow me on that trade? Probably because it would have been scary. Yeah. That wouldn't have been good. But it would have been nice for him to be like I found you. Yeah.

He was so hot. That's really sweet. I used to check Miss Connections. Really? Yes, because I'm like for sure one of these meaningful train eye contacts is going to lead to something and it never did. It never did. It never did. I would check,

I think I checked for like six months after I met him. That's so lovely. I wish he had said get the next one when you said I have to get on this train. That would have been great.

I would have sat down and talked to him if he had said that. I don't think I was in a rush to go anywhere. I truly don't remember where I was going. Oh no, home

because I was going uptown. I recently met a man uh i have not gone out with him yet who knows if it's going to be good but i met him at this job i was working and we like made eye contact and i was like oh he's very very handsome uh so then i asked the makeup girl i was like uh find out who this man is and she said okay and then he came over with a bottle of water and was like i heard you're thirsty girl I was like find out who this man is and she said okay and then he came over with a bottle of water and was like I heard you're thirsty and I was like I'm very thirsty I left him a note that said uh thank you for the water if you like hot chocolate here's my number and then he texted me yes I have done this no less than 42 times and it's never worked or no this is the second time it worked

i was eating at hugo's on santa monica and i left my number for the server and then he texted me and then we like text each other for like three four days and i was like okay let's go out and then he said oh uh i think i may have given you the wrong idea. And I was like, you absolutely gave me the wrong idea. What do you think texting from a phone number left behind, what idea do you think? That I wanted a new friend? No, I don't want a new friend. Everyone needs to listen up.

No one wants any more friends. No, I have enough. And if I want a friend, that will be what I say. Yeah. I like you. Let's be friends but I did not say friendship at all on that receipt

I think it was like a heart and my number come on but also he like kept talking we were texting he was like I started doing improv I think you do improv at UCB and I was like get out of here get out of here I was like I'll continue talking to you because why not?

Maybe something will blossom. But nothing blossomed. Well, yeah, that was a real dweeb move on that part, on that guy's part. Can we bring back dweeb? Yeah, let's bring back dweeb. What a fucking dweeb. I just like how it sounds.

It's got such a good sound. It sounds like what it is. You know, I don't want to go all the way and call him a jerk or a dick. It's just like, that guy was a dweeb. You were a fucking dweeb. You thought you had the right read on this, and you didn't, obviously. You didn't at all. I truly was so confused as to why he thought I needed to text a man for fun.

Come on. I barely want to talk to men at all. Yeah. They're bad. Most of them are very bad. I got smacked on the butt by one yesterday, two days ago. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding you.

Okay, so I am writing a self-help book called Very Fat, Very Brave, The Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and Not Suicidal in a Bikini. And it rolls off the top. Oh, my gosh. So I've been taking pictures in bikinis in weird places. So we found me and Kim, the girl who's photographing for me. She's wonderful and I love her. We found this construction site.

We've truly just been driving around L.A. trying to find weird walls and things to take pictures in front of. And we found this construction site and it was pretty wide open. And we were like, oh, nobody's here. Let's go in. So then we go in, we find this big tractor. And I was like, oh, let's take a picture from this big tractor. So then I start like posing in front of it. I'm wearing a gold lame bikini. And then this man's like, what are you doing here? And we're like, uh, just taking pictures. We're really sorry. And then he was like, why are you wearing that and we're like uh just uh taking pictures we're really sorry and then he was like why are you wearing that and i was like oh you know for a picture and he was like okay okay could take the picture i was like okay so then we were like taking pictures and then he

like takes out his phone and i was like do you want to take a picture and he was like uh yes and i said okay so then he takes a picture and kim was trying to diffuse the situation because we didn't want to get in trouble. Yeah. I don't know if you can like call the cops or something for trespassing. So she was like, do you want to take a picture with her and I'll take it for you? And he was like, yes, yes, I do. So he comes next to me and puts his arm around me and like just places his hand on my butt and like squeezes it. And I was like, oh, I don't know.

And when things like this happen, I'm a very loud person. I very much stand up for myself. But when things like that happen, I feel like I regress to being a kid. And I'm like, this adult is doing something and I can't say anything because like what happens if I get in trouble? And he like smacked my butt and then he leaned over and was like you have a fat ass and I was like yes I do okay goodbye goodbye and he's like where are you going and I was like we have to go so then like we run in the car and then he's like coming out and we're like I don't know what he's going to do so then we drove away

and we were both like that was bad right she was like yes that was very very bad and then I was like trying to rationalize and I was like you know, I didn't want to get in trouble. That's why I didn't hit him or anything. And then she's like, no, I get that. And then I was like, wait a minute. Just because I walked into your job in a bikini doesn't give you a right to smack my ass. No. Which is the most insane sentence I think I've said in a while.

But still true. But it's very true. So gentlemen, if you're listening out there, if a nice lady in a gold and made bikini walks into your job, you can look, but don't you touch. Don't smack her ass and don't say weird things and don't take out your phone for a photo without asking. Oh, there's so many things I hate about this. Yeah. But I think that there is just still there's I mean, there's true fight or flight. There's like a shock moment.

I don't think anybody as actualized and empowered as they can be is immediately like, there's still fear. And like, wait, what? Is this happening? I'm in shock. Yeah. I mean, so don't need to beat yourself up for not saying anything right away. That's horrible. Oh, boy.

Yeah. It really sucked. And then we stopped for the day Because we were like This We gotta We just gotta chill out Yeah let's try to shake that off That's gross

And then yesterday We took pictures in front of Ample Hull's Creamery One of my favorite ice cream places On Hillhurst Right here in Los Angeles, California And I was holding

Or She put the cone In the door So I could change Like in the handle of her door And then I Closed the door too hard And then my ice cream cone fell down. Come on.

And I was like, I think we're done today, too. Come on. Hey, Summer, I'm putting you on blast. Can you be nicer to Nicole? Just a little nicer. Can you just be nicer and not let any of her ice cream cones fall? I mean, that would be nice. This year's just been pretty trying.

Oh. It's been a very weird year. Is it hard to feel like it's a weird year when you're so busy? Yes. Yeah. It's very strange to be like, weird things keep happening to me. But then also, I'm doing well. I'm thriving. Right.

I'm working a lot. I feel good. But men in particular keep being very strange to me. I was flying back from Clusterfest in San Francisco, and I was wearing a leopard print outfit, a little wild, but whatever. And I, like, go through the TSA, the first part where they look at your ID. My ID's back in my bag, and I'm walking through the metal detector. And the man manning it went, Aloha, have fun in Maui. And I was like, what?

I was like, I'm not, what? And then I looked at him and laughed, because I was like, oh, maybe he's making a joke. And then he stared straight ahead and didn't smile back. And I was like, okay, maybe I don't talk to men anymore. Maybe we just pretend they're not here. That's so weird. It was very strange and I still can't

understand why he said that. No. He didn't talk to anybody else. I like stood there for a hot second to be like is he saying other stuff? He didn't say anything else to anybody. Have fun in Maui? Aloha. have fun in Maui aloha have fun in Maui yeesh I don't know okay men weird to you everyone do better I don't know yeah for sure I mean I don't think that uh I I mean I think I have a, like, I've never, I don't feel like I got hit on really ever or, like, approached or flirted with. I don't think I ever, I mean, really very, very rarely.

I don't know how much of a deterrent, like, wearing a wedding ring is now. But even, like, before then, which is also so shitty, it shouldn't be like, oh, somebody owns you. Goodbye. I'll be nice to the ones that the boys own but I just like I don't know I don't feel like I've ever been a magnet

for that kind of energy good or bad very just sort of like scooting by in neutral wait till a boy in mock trial notices me oh so you didn't have to do any dating apps ever. No. That's, my God, what a blessing for you.

I know that it probably is. I kind of wish I had it that year in New York, just because the only thing I could do was stare at people on the train. What year was that? 2009 to 2010. Okay, I think that's when they first were starting to become more popular. There was like, you could do Match or OkCupid and stuff like that, but I don't think it was on the app yet.

I don't think Tinder existed yet, but OkCupid definitely existed because I would talk to a gentleman on OkCupid. I actually did do the thing where they put New York singles in Time Out. Time Out New York? And I wrote in about one of them and he wrote back to me and then ghosted me. Oh dang! But you know. I did it!

I was one of the singles for Time Out New York. Oh that's right! Didn't you have like a firefighter or something? No nobody contacted me! Wait I thought you had, oh this stinks. No! Come on. No but a boy I did love, his name is EJ. He was also a Time Out New York single.

And I got real drunk at his house and fell down his stairs and passed out and then peeped on his floor. Just a really, really good, cute story about how maybe I was really rebelling against the death of my parents. Anywho. So I messaged him. I was like, hey, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm really sorry about how things ended. And if you want to go out on a date, let's do it. And he was like, long ago forgotten. Wait, no.

Long ago forgiven, never forgotten. Be well. And I was like, oh, okay. But then we recently reconnected. He did an episode of the podcast. And then he came to my show when I was in New York in Brooklyn. And then he sent me an email. I was like, I'm going to be on Jeopardy.

And I was like, that's great. I fucking love Jeopardy. And I think it aired on the 12th. So I could say he won his episode, which is really cool. Get it, EJ. And then we just talked about Alex Trebek. And I was like, oh, boy, I really, really buff really cool. Get it, EJ. And then we just talked about Alex Trebek, and I was like, oh boy, I really, really buffed that. No. But also, if it was meant to be,

it would have been. Yeah, I mean, like, come on, we all peed on floors. Have you ever peed on a floor? No, but I've puked on a floor and had to have been, like like lifted up into a loft bed by three guy friends so no you know i mean just like we don't know you do things you try to figure out

your limits and what you should be doing and what you shouldn't boundaries you have you know boundaries are fun to figure out and you know know what? You got to find them. You do? Because no one tells them to you anymore. They don't. Although yesterday, I was wearing a bathing suit, and I could feel my nipple, and I was like, hey, John. John Milhais is my roommate. I said, feel my nipple. And then he was like, Nicole, this is a boundary.

I was like, I don't want to feel your nipple. And I was like, but are you sure? It's really pointed right now. And he was like, no. I want to say firmly, John's the weird one in this conversation. Thank you.

I was, thank you. John Milhiser, your roommate, yes, he's the weird one. Yeah, John,

you're the fucking weird one. He deals with so much. I also really like articulating boundaries as such, like, okay, we've approached a boundary.

Which is fair. I like that too yeah listen good communication we're really getting there yeah you gotta just peel it back a little you gotta find it. What was your first date with Morgan? So you saw a play and then what did you do after? We got like sausage and a beer and then it was a moment where

I had to like we were still in a moment where I had to like, we were still in a zone where, I mean, maybe this is, you probably should maybe split some sort of difference on this. I feel like now if I were to go on a date and we had seen that we followed each other on Instagram, I would feel comfortable being like, oh yeah, I saw just recently you went to Machu Picchu, right? You're going to put that on the gram. But you know, this is in the phase where you, like, don't want to address anything you saw.

So I had to do a lot of pretending that I didn't know he had four siblings and they just had a family wedding. I knew a lot about him from, like, Facebook. But the other thing that happened was I was still staying, like, in Orange County. So we're, like, talking and having, like, a great time. And I look down at my phone and I have like five missed calls from my mom and like four texts that are like I understand you're having a good time but I'm getting very worried

so then I was like I'm so sorry my mommy is calling and I need to go I need to go home so then we like said goodnight and I drove he drove me back to my car which was parked at his place and we kissed by my car door, and I drove home. That is so cute.

That was very cute. And then what was your second date? Our second date, I think I was starting to do Story Pirates out in Westwood, and also just not knowing L.A. geography. And I was like, yeah, maybe you could drop by Westwood afterwards. And he was like okay like just took it on the chin even though he'd been living in LA for a few years so he came to Westwood and we honestly just walked around

and made out it was real great that's this is so cute I fucking love it and then what was your third date um our third date I think I'm getting I swapped I'm not sure i think third date he came down to orange county and we went out like in downtown fullerton shout out and then oh this

was very funny um he was going to go home and i said do you want to come inside and make out on my mom's couch and he said yeah i do want to do that so then he and i were making out on my mom's couch and then my mom from upstairs called, Jess. And then I like went to the base of the stairs where she can't see the family room, but she can see like me now. I've like walked around the corner and I'm like, uh-huh. And she's like, oh, is he here? And I was like, uh-huh. And she was like, okay, sorry.

Very weird to like live out of your mom's house for five years and then be back for two months. And she's like, I need some communication about where you are. That's really funny. Yeah. And also so cute. Yeah. Yes. I know.

Yes. Oh, he's here. I know. Yes, mother. And then our fourth date was we, I came back up to LA and it was like okay i'm gonna like you're gonna come to some activities like with friend like la friends and the first one was um playing apples to apples with a group of like now a collection of slightly like people who've been on tv who it was very like they weren't at the time and now i'm like that's so weird and they were house sitting and we played

apples to apples and what's apples to apples? It's a horrible game, Nicole, where people who don't have senses of humor compete to see which version of their non-joke is the least funny. Oh boy. It's like Cards Against Humanity, but like you put down a card

and it'll be like prickly and you have a set of cards and then you put down like Richard Nixon and someone else puts down cactus, like things that prickly makes you think of. And then we rotate who's the judge. So then some, like, Yahoo is like, I think prickly is the funniest, and it's horrible. But I'm like, I don't know these people.

And I'm just like, oh, yeah, let's play apples to apples. We left, and I was like, I have to tell you, I absolutely hated that. That game is horrible. And then we went to a different party where his friend blew out his knee playing speedball, which is this drinking game where you throw ping pong balls at. It's not beer pong. You throw them at one can of beer, and if you hit it, you have to drink the whole thing. And he was reaching for a ball and hurt his knee, and maybe we were going to have to take him to the hospital.

But the important thing about this date is I had told my mom ahead of time, Mom, this is kind of, this is before Uber and Lyft. So I was like, Mom, I am going to be drinking this evening. So I am not going to then drive back home to Orange County. So I will be staying over at Morgan's place, which was very ridiculous to be like, Mom, this is what's happening. But I love it. It's really cute that you're a full grown adult that hasn't been at home for a long time.

And then suddenly you've regressed back to what it was like before you left home. Yes. I think that's so cute. It was funny. And I was a little more like, oh, this sucks at the time. Now I'm like, all right, whatever. I have to text you. This is no big deal.

Like if it makes you feel like not worried. My mom gets really worried about driving. So like she's very big on if we're hanging out at her house, can you just text me when you get home? And I used to be like, the idea of this is offensive. I'm an adult. But then I was like, it takes you two seconds and then your sweet mom doesn't worry. And then I do that to people.

I'm like, please text me when you get home so I know that the Uber driver didn't kill you. Yeah. Or you didn't get into a car accident. It's just nice. It is. It's nice to be like, I'm home safe. I'm home safe, yeah. When did you—were you exclusive from the start?

No, but very quickly. I mean, I think like date nine or something oh pretty quick that is very quick yeah i also told him i loved him like two months in and he was like um i'm not ready to say that oh is that really what he said back yeah and then when did he finally say did you keep saying i love you no but i did one more time i was like you know what and i knew that was the case we had talked about like literally defining love differently. You know, like I would say it to friends about friends. And he's like, no, I reserve it.

There are there. Here's the very short list of people I love. And so rationally, I knew, OK, we have we're going to have different like barriers for saying this word. Mine's going to be way lower because he's going to cross that threshold pretty quick for me to consider that I love him. And for him, he never said it to anybody like romantically. I'd said it to two people.

And so I was like, or three people. And I was like, well, I know when I'm going to say it. And I just was like, I just feel like you have the right to know. And he was like,

okay. Oh, Jess, I love you. I just feel like you have the right to know that I love you. I don't feel like I can say that right now. And then like that was maybe mid-October. And then like maybe end of November, I was like, or mid-November, I was like, so like, can I get an ETA? And he was like, this is a little unfair.

My God, what a treat. I fucking love. Can I get an ETA on when you're going to love me back? And I was like, I just kind of are we like in route or. What do you say to that? And he was just kind of like, hey, I feel like you knew that this was going to be different for me. And we've already now had this. I promise you'll be the first to know.

There was a really big maturity gap, I think, when we first started. He's three years older, but I think those three years have now gone away in terms of what they mean. But 23, 26, I feel like we really were like living in that our first year i feel like i could really characterize as jess was a little bit of a baby and like a little bit like everything should be this way and if it's not uh and then he um a little bit later like a few weeks later we went to disneyland with two of his best friends and it was pouring rain the whole day and i grew up going to disneyland i know it like the back of my hand I was like obsessed that the lines were short because it's normally packed at Christmas so I was like all right y'all are down to go hard and

they were like yeah we are and I was like great let's go and I was like I'm gonna run ahead and get these fast passes you go get more hot chocolate because it's freezing you meet me over here and I just like like cranked the day and we had the best time. We just like were just losing our minds going on so many rides. And then when we got back to his place that night, I was just kind of – we were freezing all day. So I was like borrowing sweatshirts and I like sat back down on his bed and he was like, I love you. And he's like, I knew it today when without any pretension, you knew where every bathroom was. I thought, that's my girl. That's so sweet.

And also, almost nicer than him just saying it back to you when you first said it. Oh, yeah. I mean, he's extremely, he values honesty over all things. So I think he never would have done that. And I knew that about him. So I knew it was a risk to say it. I was like, this guy's not going to say it yet. I'm going to do it anyway because he has the right to know.

I really love that you, in your brain, were like, well, I feel it. And he has a right to know how I feel. That's how I felt. And I'm going to tell him right now. I know. I know. I know. I think it's really great.

It did cause, I think, a massive, like, every fight for the next two years was about, like, I love you more because I said it first. So it definitely had, like, a negative ripple. But now in the whole story of our relationship, I'm like, yeah, no, that's exactly right. That's, like, perfect. Of course, once he saw me being completely practical and go with his friends, he was like, I love her. I love it so much.

I feel like your relationship is so nice and pure. Yeah, we're two little, like, innocent sweeties, I feel like. I think that's a very good way to describe you. Also, like, when I've hung out with both of you, I don't, you don't feel, you know how sometimes you'll be with a couple and you're like, I feel excluded? It feels like you're just talking to each other and I don't want to be here. I think I would fully hang out with just the two of you and be the third wheel and not feel like the third wheel, which I think is fucking cool. That's very kind. I love that compliment and he would love that compliment so much.

Tell Morgan I said it. I will. That matters a ton to him. Yeah, you guys are a very fun couple to be near. Thank you. That's so nice. Jess, we've come to the end. Oh, boy.

Can I ask a question? Uh-huh. I ask all of my guests except for Carl Tartt and one other person. Can you do a bonus ep with just Carl Tartt? Because I feel like the people got to know. Yeah, maybe I will. I'll just be like, Carl, will you come do my podcast? And I have one question and that is it.

And then I release the episode and it's six minutes long with like four ad breaks. Jess McKenna, would you date me? Okay, here. I thought about this question a lot. Big fan of the pod. Big fan of you. And so here is my answer. Because, okay, first of of all I have to suspend

disbelief uh that I am not heterosexual like you know we were already in a space where I'm like imagining just based on my attraction to you as a human and then I am married so it's like okay what is this version so here's how I've devised my answer to this question there's me at 23 imagining like if I met you before I met Morgan. Like if you were there first and would I date you but never have met Morgan at that age. There's a version where we try to imagine he doesn't

exist and then there's a version where he dies in like a heroic sailing accident. A heroic sailing accident. And I've had the experience of Morgan and now I'm getting back out there. So me at 23 could not date you. Okay. I'm too scared. I'm very like I've had the experience of Morgan, and now I'm getting back out there. Okay, so me at 23 could not date you. Okay. I'm too scared.

Okay. I'm very like, here's the few boys I've kissed. I'm very nervous. Everything like, I'm pretty sexually repressed. So I think I would have been like, this is very scary. How do we talk about the fact that I've done almost nothing? So I think 23-year-old Jess absolutely can't handle you. Okay. Imagining

no Morgan, I don't know. I don't know that person. Imagining Morgan dying in a heroic sailing accident and now I'm like, the mourning period has passed and I'm getting back out there. 100% yes. Yay! You're the best. Does Morgan sail a lot? No, I just want to

paint him in a good, like, we didn't get divorced. He did something cool. And it's sad for me. I miss him a lot. I really love him. But I'm ready to get back out there. And I think I would be drawn to and now ready to be like, oh my gosh, yes. Thank you.

Well, you're the best. That's a nice, honest answer. And I like that you thought about it. Yeah, well, big fan, you know. know stop it i'm a big fan of you uh truly just i mean i'm gonna ask you what you want to plug but just has a podcast called off book and it is so delightful it's you and zachary now and you improvise a full fucking musical every time you do it live and every time you do it in a studio. And you have an accompanist. I know, it's tricky.

Accompanist. Accompanist. And it is so magical to watch. You are so talented at just coming up with these lyrics that make sense and really fit the mood and the vibe. I really like it. That is so kind. Thank you so much. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, check out Off Book. What else would you like to plug? I don't know. I mean, Zach and I also wrote an album called The Calendar Album. So it's like our written music that you can check out on Spotify or Apple Music. That's cool. But yeah, we love doing Off Book. It's a real joy for us so and Nicole's

been on it and then very I was very intimidated no you're great oh it was so scary that episode also my mother-in-law was in the audience and it was it was pretty it was kind of tame it was pretty tame I think there was like one moment where we all went in hard on talking about like a dick and I think it was early I think in general, the episode ended up being very PG-13. But like, I feel like there was something fairly early. We're like, yep, that little weather boy dick. Like it was something about Kimberly. I can't remember.

But I just remember being like, I honestly prefer to break this seal early. Let's just like get out there. Was it too dirty for her? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I always get a little worried when there's like an older relative. You can't though. You know, you gotta just.

I once did a doppelganger show, which is my team with Sister's Maid and our other friend Keisha Zahler, where her aunt had come to see the show. And I can't remember what it was, but it was maybe like 10, 15 minutes in. It was something about, I don't know, dicks. And she stood up and went, I I'm sorry this is too much for me she waited in the lobby for us and she kept apologizing we're like no no it's fine we get it

oh my word oh gosh that's so oh boy it was very funny I laughed very hard that's funny but if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can subscribe. You can send me a nasty little message either on iTunes or you can send it in a DM, which people have liked to do.

So this person said, I'd like to spread peanut butter all over your puss so your cum would be jelly and eat your bread all day. It kind of doesn't really make sense, but I like it. Here's another one. I'd like to crawl up your pussy and stay in there for my winter hibernation. In the spring, I'll come out to suck on your clit till it's raw enough to make it into sushi.

I'll gobble it up if you watch. That one rivals this one where this man wanted to turn me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. This one is so gross that he wants to

turn my glint into sushi. The idea of reverse engineering something till it's raw is really gross. So gross. But pretty creative. Thank you, Jazz. Thank you. Bye-bye. is really gross but pretty creative thank you Jazz bye bye

bye this has been a Team Coco production.