Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - A Cruise Ship Romance with a Himbo (w/ Jessica Lowe)

Episode Date: June 27, 2025

Actress Jessica Lowe (The Righteous Gemstones, Minx, Wrecked) joins Nicole to share the romantic saga of falling in love on a Second City cruise ship. On the ship, she met a British bassist who became her cruise ship boyfriend - whom she later realized wasn’t as smart as she thought his accent sounded (he tried to dry his pants on a ceiling fan and designed a nightmare demon tattoo for himself).Jessica recalls dating a Dutch chef with a penis that was “too much!” and recounts what might be the most romantic first date ever told on the podcast. She reflects on the men who surprised her, disappointed her, and the slow work of building a relationship that actually lasted.Plus, Jessica and Nicole reminisce about the chaos of filming Curse Friends when everyone tested positive for COVID - and Nicole opens up about sobbing in a makeup chair over a man who simply wasn’t worth it.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» OneSkin: OneSkin is redefining the aging process with their proprietary OS-01 peptide. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code DATEME at https://www.oneskin.co/ #oneskinpod» SquareSpace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.» Booking.com: Book now at Booking.com!» Smalls: Give your cat the food they deserve. For a limited time only, get 60% off your first order PLUS free shipping when you head to Smalls.com and use code DATEME.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Wanna watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why.

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come in my hand and tell me it's a cotton ball. My guest today is an actress that you know from Wrecked, The Righteous Gemstones,

and The Minx, and Cursed Friends Forever, a movie that you can see never, because I don't think it streams anywhere. It was on Comedy Central, but you know, Comedy Central's having a nice time doing stuff. Anyway, it's Jessica Lowe! Hi! Diva, yes!

Diva, how are you? Oh, just fine, Diva. Wait, you said you got a bad night of sleep, so you're not just fine. What happened? Well, I think I saw an extra husky. I'm a little under the weather. I don't know.

What kind of sick did you bring? I washed my hands. I'm just going to... We should have a plexiglass, like a sneeze guard. Wait, what kind of sick are you? No, I thought it was allergies, but then I was sneezing. That's allergies, isn't it? Oh, but then my...

It feels a little bit more. It might be like a summer cold. I will stay away from you and I promise not to kiss you. Okay, but that's part of the deal. I get kisses. Okay, so you were on the second city cruise ship. Yes. Did y'all fuck?

Oh yeah, oh, this is great. Okay, so I went from working in Amsterdam for two and a half years. Were you at Boom Chicago? Yeah, at Boom Chicago, where I had a very serious Dutch chef boyfriend with- Wait, how did you meet him? He was friends with another one of the cast members. Uh-huh. Biggest penis in the entire world. That's what I've heard about the Dutch.

Shocking. They could double Dutch their dicks. Yeah, it, too much. Too much. It was too much. You'll never hear me say that. No. Mm-mm.

And then we broke up because I left. That's how I, that's for my 20s. I wouldn't break up with a person. I would just move. Okay. So then I went straight from Amsterdam, basically stored some stuff, and then I went on the cruise ship.

And there I had my cruise ship boyfriend. How long were you on the ship? Four months. Oh, okay. I thought you were gonna be like years. No, no, no, no. Four months is a solid time though to be on the high seas.

Yes. We sailed from Manhattan to the Caribbean. It was lovely. Oh. And my cruise ship boyfriend was the bassist in the party band. What's a party band? They're the people who have to, like they're required to play a different,

like the Leto deck. They'll do like a Beatles night in the lounge. You're acting like I've been on a cruise. What's the Leto deck? I don't think it's like one of the deck. Jared Let You're acting like I've been on a cruise. What's the Leto deck? I don't think it's like one of the- Jared Leto's deck? One of the deck? I think that's Leto.

Oh well. Oh my. They were just, they would have to do certain gigs on the cruise ship on like the various days. Oh. But what's the Leto deck? It's like one of the decks. Like it's not like the top deck.

It's like a, it's like a one, I don't know. Oh God. I've never been on a cruise ship. You couldn't pay me to get on a cruise. They're pretty gnar gnar. It's not for me. At a certain point, there's like a threshold where there's a certain number of sick people that they have to do silver service.

Meaning because everyone is so sloppy and gross when they're like dishing their stuff onto their plates from the buffet that they're like eating and then they're touching silverware. So then they make these poor people who work on the cruise ship, you have to have your hands cleaned by them when you enter. This is before COVID. And they would have to serve you.

You're not allowed to serve yourself once a certain number of like the sloppy little piggies put too many germs on the ladles and such. Ew. I was in the Delta Lounge because I'm a diamond diva. I know you are. I'm so jealous. And I watched a man sneeze into the food and then turn around and walk away.

And I was like, why didn't you save that sneeze for later? Why would you do that right into the food? People are monsters. They're disgusting. And I mean, there was a sneeze guard, Why didn't you save that sneeze for later? Why would you do that right into the food? People are monsters. They're disgusting. And I mean, there was like a sneeze guard, but like, I don't know how much that's guarding. Come on, man.

Wait, that's so wild. Too many. And then what? Like, you go to the nurse? Is there a cruise nurse? Yeah, and there's a morgue on a cruise ship. That I knew, which is wild. To just be floating around with dead bodies?. Oh my God. No, thank you.

Oh, ugh. Okay, so four months, you had your cruise ship boyfriend. Yeah, we met in the duty-free shop on the first day. You were like, I gotta get my cigarettes. I gotta get that shit. No, we were looking at, I was looking at watches, and the guy, it was my first day, and I didn't have like a name tag or anything,

and the guy was working there, he was like, what are you guys looking for? And I was like, oh, we're not together. And then the guy goes, you look like you are. Wow. Okay. He and I didn't work on land. It was only love by the sea.

Oh my God, you had a real Titanic romance. Yeah. And then I shoved him off that door. Oh my God, you had a real Titanic romance. Yeah, and then I shoved him off that door. Oh my God, you said, get out of here. Go play music, you fucking idiot. Wait, I love that. So you left the cruise, so then you broke up because you left the cruise?

Yeah, well, he came to visit me in LA, and it just, it didn't, like, I didn't realize that he was kind of dim. Okay. He was from Dorset, outside of Weymouth. He was British. OK. And so I think that his accent confused me in such a way that I didn't realize how dumb he was. Mm hmm. So he tried to like dry his pants on a ceiling fan when it was on.

I'm so sorry. Walk me through that. He was holding them up. He was was trying to catch it to try to, and I was like, we can turn it up. I mean, I don't know, I don't know, help you, bro. He also designed his own tattoo, which was like a demon, like a Mad Hatter demon, trying to pull his hat off and all of like, the hat was stuck to his head and it was just,

and it was this big on the back of his back. And it was tattooed, he designed it and that was his tattoo? Yeah. He sounds like a catch. I mean. I like him a lot. Like the issue is, he was a catch on a ship, because the bar is so low.

Yes, and there's so few people, and people are dying and getting sick, and you needed someone who was strong and well. And also the ratio of men to women is very different. So if I'm like a seven on land, I'm like a 43 on a cruise ship. Wow. Maybe I should get on a cruise ship. So when you came back to land,

did you start dating or were you single for a little bit? I was single for a little bit. And then, you know, I met people like through like improv classes and such. And then I did some online like apps and stuff. Okay, how did the apps fare? Did you go on any wild dates? It's grass is greener territory.

Sure. And so it's very, very hard to keep my attention and keep the person you're talking to's attention. Because there's infinite other options. Yeah, you just keep swiping. I'm being haunted. I've mentioned this before. I'm being haunted. I've mentioned this before. I'm being haunted by a man I went on a date with. He sits on a very busy street by my house outside,

chain smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, and like reading a paper. And I see him all the time. And it's so upsetting. And he's a little guy. So his feet are just dangling. Oh no, does he do kicks? He does. And there's nothing wrong with a little guy.

But it's just, he's haunting me. He's like a little, a little Teddy Graham sitting there. Shit. Also, you can't let a guy know where you live, unless it's like very official. I didn't tell him where I lived. He just lived near me. I know where he lives. Oh shit, yeah.

And he sits outside his building, facing the street. Sometimes he'll have a guitar. Wow. It's wild. Wow. And then there's like, there's no longer the courtship thing. Like, they can't pick you up, because you, God help you if they know where you live.

No, you're not picking me up until date three, at least. And then you don't want to feel, at least I, I think I have pretty low self-esteem, so I didn't want them to feel like they had to pay for me. So that takes away like a certain, I don't know, on the first date, women do, women try so much harder. Yes. So they should fucking pay, especially if it's like a coffee.

I did my hair, I did makeup, I put on perfume, I'm interesting. Life is easier for you generally. You will make more money. So why not just buy me that coffee? Just, I, how many coffee dates have you been on? Um, probably, I mean less than like drink dates. Why do coffee? So then you have an out, you're like, oh, well, I have to leave at three. I can meet you at one. But also I don't want to meet someone

in broad daylight actually first. Me either. I want to be lit by one candle across the warehouse. Yes, that's what I like. And I also like, you know, you get like a drink or two in you and then if you're having a good time, you're like, it's amplified, but if you're having a bad time, you're like,

well, at least I have a cocktail. Yeah, that's true. At least I have a cosmopolitan, which is what I've been ordering. Really? I'm rewatching Sex and the City and it's a good drink. It gets a bad rap. It's a very delicious, refreshing drink.

There's this pre-mixed Cosmo that they sell at every grocery store. It's called On the Rocks. Oh. And it's fantastic. You gotta try it. I love it. What's it called? It's On the Rocks, and they have a Cosmo. On the Rocks.

On the Rocks. Sponsor me. Wait, so how did you meet your husband? So we had interacted, like like on the periphery through, because we were both, I was on a sketch team at Improv Olympic. He was on a... RIP, that's gone? Yeah.

Okay. So sad. And he was on an improv team. And I always thought he was cute. And then just randomly, oh, so I was shooting a show in Toronto and the Cubs won the World Series. And we had been following each other for a little bit on Instagram.

And I was so excited that the Cubs won. And I like, I was so excited, I bought the bottle of wine in the room, which I would never normally do. Because it's very expensive. It's so expensive. And so I was wasted, like so excited for the Cubs. And he was also so excited for the Cubs. So we just, I was like, yeah, Cubs!

And then we had like an international dance-off. Like I sent him a video of me dancing and then he was dancing outside I.O. And then it took a year for him to, or he was in a picture before a wedding. And we had been like just interacting a little bit, direct messaging, and he had his arm around a girl. And I was like, are you single or what? And he goes, yeah. And I was like, well, maybe we should grab a drink sometime. Why were you so aggressive?

Because I thought he was flirting with me, but he was like going on a date. Oh, and he was with somebody else. Yeah, to a wedding. I see, okay. So I made that first date. Yeah, did it for a wedding. Okay. So I made that first move. I like that.

And then where was your first date? Do you remember? The Den, which was on Sunset. It's closing down. There's so many restaurants and bars in LA closing down. It's getting bad. The tariffs, baby. It's getting bad, baby.

Blame everything on the tariffs. I learned how to sew yesterday because I was like, I don't know. Oh, my God, recession sheets. Truly, truly. I was like, I guess I'll learn how to do this. That's incredible. I made pants and I made a shirt.

What the fuck? Making pants sounds impossible. No, it's actually really easy. I want to, can we go sewing together? Yeah. I mean, it truly is. You just follow this... Like, to make a pattern, you just follow the seams of the pant and then add 5 eighths of an inch to the border of it so you have it to sew.

Okay. And then he turned it inside out. And that's where little Simi is. Yeah. Simi Valley. Simi Valley, baby. I hate Simi Valley. And if you live in Simime Valley, God bless. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's just not for me. It's not. Yeah, it's far. It's hot. Sorry, Cime Valley. It's so hot, Cime Valley. Oh, Cime Valley. So, how long did you date?

When did you decide to be exclusive? How long did that take? We... I had to leave for the third season of my show, Wrecked. And we had been on probably ten dates. And I was like drunk and we were making out. And I was like, will you come visit me in Fiji? And he was like, yeah. And so that night I used Chase Points and bought him a ticket.

So we had made the plan for him to come visit me and I think that was it. Did you even check the dates with him or you just bought the ticket? I just bought the ticket. That's wild. I was like, April sound good? That's wild, that's very bold.

And I feel like good advice for people, be bold. Yeah, use those points. Use the points? Okay, so you go away, he comes to visit, does the visit like solidify the relationship? Are you like, oh, this is my person, I wanna be with this person forever? Yes, but I will say, leading up to that, it was really hard.

And I was questioning things because we had a nine hour difference. I was in Fiji, he was in LA, and he couldn't understand why I wasn't always available. Like, we didn't even have cell service for the majority of, we were doing like 13 hour days. And it's like on location, you're outside. Yeah. And it felt a little needy. And so we had to have like a come to Jesus moment. I was like, I am already stressed. I'm tired. I'm doing my best out here.

I feel like I completely separate from my whole life. I'm not a human. I need you to just be supportive. And as much as I can give you, I'll give you." And that had to be like a real talk. I mean, that's very assertive, and I think really great to be like, this is what I need from you. I need less, and I need you to be supportive.

I'm a type of person that's like, if I don't hear from you, you hate me, and I'll die. I mean, I think that's how he was. And I fully empathize with that. But now I'm at a point where I'm like, OK, if my boyfriend's not texting me back and it's a weekday between the hours of nine and five, that man is working. He's working a job. He has a nine to five.

I have a weird schedule where like I'm busy for strange amounts of time and then not busy. And I just had to be like, yes, if I date somebody who has a real person job, I have to just be understanding that they are fucking working. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I think that I've had to sort of lean in his direction. Like we both had to sort of lean in his direction. Like we both had to compromise a little bit

because I'm much more likely to forget to say, coming home now, but he will always say, coming home now and stuff like that. That's nice. I know. I'm always like, text me when you get home. I'm like, I'm mysterious. Who knows where I am? I could be dead, bye.

That's funny that you're like, I'm mysterious, but also married. You know the intimate parts of me, but do you? He knows nothing about me. How long have you been married? Three, three years. Is that true? Yes.

Three years. I don't know. This is your life. Three and a half years. Three and a half years. And how long did you date before getting married? Four. So you've been together? Three and a half years. Three and a half years. And how long did you date before getting married? Four. So you've been together? Seven and a half years.

Seven and a half years. That's like a, that's a chunk of time. Would you say like the key to you guys having a good relationship is the communication? Yes, and also just support. It's hard because we're both in the industry and the industry is broken. It is, but there's jobs aplenty.

Just kidding, I've never been busier. What's a job? So it is hard when it's slow because before, before like ending 2021, I was like, oh my God, I'm set. I could be a sugar mama forever. Like this is incredible. And now I'm like, we're doing our taxes and I'm like, I am sorry.

I can't be what I used to be. I can't be what I used to be. It's, yeah. So he understands how difficult it is to just be facing rejection every day of your life. But it would be cool to have someone who had a nine to five who is just like a stable person. Like I feel like I'm one of those helium balloons at Ralph's.

And I, and my whole life I was like, I need a Sandy Waite. A Sandy Waite. So like, I could bop around. But now we're just two helium balloons floating in the wind. And I like that it's specifically a Ralph's brand helium balloon and not Party City. Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, I didn't make a special trip. I'm already in Ralph's.

I'm already here. I'm getting my groceries and I'm gonna get that balloon. Oh, Party City's closing. Is it really? Yes, the recession, girl. Oh, no. Joanne Fabrics is closing. You know, all their stuff's from America. Is it?

No. Oh. Nothing is made in America. We don't have the infrastructure. I know. And it's so funny when they're like, buy American-made cars. I know. And it's so funny when they're like, buy American made cars.

I'm like, they're assembled here. Where do you think the parts come from? Yeah. I got an email the other day from my car dealership that was like pre-tariff sale. And I was like, what are we doing? Oh my God. It's gonna get bad.

I know, it's gonna get so bad. You need to get some more rental properties. I know, it's gonna get so bad. You need to get some more rental property stats. I know, I gotta scoop them up here in LA. Wait, so you went on your honeymoon in Italy. Yes. How was that? Was it like romantic? Did you love it?

I fucking loved it. You've been to Italy. Yes, I have. It's just great. Great accent. Yes, I have. I've had the best time of Italy. It was truly the like it was the best trip ever. And did you use points?

Yes, mama. Yes, mama. And then we got like Delta gift cards because I used to be a Delta Platinum diva. I've never been done and baby, but I was platinum. Okay. And we just flew in and out of Rome and then just, I love a train. So we just took trains.

Naples, Florence, we went to, like on a boat to Ischia. The whole thing was insane. How long were you there? 12 days. Oh, that's lovely. How long were you there? 12 days. Oh, that's lovely. Where did you go in Italy? I went to Rome. I think I just, I went to Rome and then I went,

I don't know the city, but it was like two hours outside of Rome to my friend's friend's castle. She married into somebody who is like, maybe royalty or something. And the oldest lady becomes lady of the castle and has to live in the castle. And it was like a straight up fucking castle.

And she made this delicious pasta. She also at one point closed all the doors and started chain smoking. And I was like, I'm in heaven. Everyone was like- You're like, I've never hotboxed a good castle before. Loved it, loved it. Had the best fucking time.

I loved Italy. God damn. And the men kept calling me spicy and I was like, I simply don't know what that means. But I also was like singing and dancing in the street. I was having a great time. I fucking love traveling. Me too, it's the best. People who don't like traveling,

I'm suspicious of them. For sure. Why do you just wanna stay here? You have to feel small. You have to feel unimportant every once in a while. And look at other buildings. All the buildings here are so homogenous. And I hate, I hate new builds.

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them so much. I hate that everyone, no offense, if you drive a SUV, I hate SUVs. I hate them. Everyone has a SUV. No one's driving fun cars anymore.

They're discontinuing the Toyota Supra because it didn't sell well. I'm like, where are the men with the cool fucking little cars? Oh my God. Where are they? Where are souped up little civics? Why is car culture left? I know, like when we were traveling around Europe,

I mean, we would just go on these like old ass bridges. Yes. These old ass bridges. Yes. These old ass statues. Yes. I remember when we went in to see the David, it's just like there's this long hallway and then he's so much bigger than you could possibly imagine. He's so big.

You're like, America sucks, dude. It's bad here. Every time I fly back, I'm like, ugh. But I do like it here. Yes. I'm not a person who's like, fuck America. Please don't deport me. I love it. Yeah, don't deport me, dude. It's bad here. Every time I fly back, I'm like, ugh. But I do like it here. I'm not a person who's like, fuck America. Please don't deport me. I love it. Yeah, don't deport me, please, I was born here.

La! Here's a question. Why do you buy your husband pies? Okay, so this seems just like a random question, but my husband, his favorite food in the world is pumpkin pie from Costco. And when we first started dating, we walked by, it was like September

and they already had had the pies out. And he goes, you know what? It's probably my favorite flavor in the world but I only get it one time a year. And I was like, no, baby, you are an adult. We can have this as much as possible. That first year he ate nine Costco pumpkin pies by himself. They're like 5,300 calories each,

because they're like 16 inch diameter. Does he eat them in one sitting? No, he'll have it like pre-workout. He'll have it for breakfast. He'll have it post-workout. He'll have it as a late night snack. He'll have it after lunch, he'll have it post-workout, he'll have it as a late night snack, he'll have it after lunch, and he loses weight. It's infuriating.

Was it because all he's eating is pie? Yeah, basically. Like he can't even see anything else. He just like has pie vision. And how long does it take for him to get through these, does he know he could freeze a pie and have it all year round? At a certain point, he reaches this level

where he can't have anymore. Like I think he's got like a pie zone and he reaches it sooner and sooner every year. So we might be having diminishing returns with this guy. Interesting. And I'm acting like I don't understand eating the same thing all the, I ate lasagna every Friday for a year.

I fucking love lasagna. Friday for a year. I fucking love lasagna. Call me Garfield. I hate my name and I love lasagna. Like, it's the textures. It's a perfect noodle with the creamy sauce. And meat is very hearty. It's like 87 degrees right now. I'll go get lasagna.

I'll eat lasagna any old fucking time. Jessica, real quick, we have to take a break. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform to build a gorgeous professional website for literally anything. Whether you're starting a business, trying to monetize your passion, or want to show off what you could do to the world, Squarespace has you covered.

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And we're back. Jessica, tell me about a bad date you've been on that you feel comfortable talking about. Let's see. I'm thinking, well, I can think of a good date. Oh, okay, tell me about a good date. that you feel comfortable talking about? Let's see. Well, I can think of a good date. Oh, okay, tell me about a good date. Yeah, it doesn't have to be bad. Tell me something good.

The craziest date I ever went on, so after I quit the agency, I was taking classes at Groundlings and there was one of those Red Bull Mini Coopers driving down Melrose, and I chased after it two blocks because we were on break. And they were like, I was like, can I please have a sugar free Red Bull?

And they were like, yeah. And they were like, do you want a job? Because I literally, they saw me run two blocks down. And I was like, yes. So then I started, I was an SAT tutor and a Red Bull girl. And at one of the events, they had the boy, the Red Bull boy. Ooh, the Red Bull boy. And he would like, he like drove the ATV, and he was like this like guy from this like surf family.

Anyways, he was getting his pilot's license, I was living in Echo Park and he was in, what's one of those like, it's like Manhattan Beach. Okay. So that's a far off distance. Oh, yeah, that's very far. He picked me up in his giant car. He drove to Echo Park, he drove us back to El Segundo. He took us over in a Cessna.

He flew us over the bay. You know so many things I don't, what's a Cessna? It's like a little two prop engine. Oh my God. And then we had really good margaritas. And then he drove me home and we didn't even bug. Can you believe it? That's so nice.

I know, it was a real lady. How many dates did you go on with him? I think just two. It just, it wasn't, the mental part wasn't there, but like all the like. Did he stop flying around? He was like, we're gonna stay, not in the air today. Ah, um, yeah, he, yeah, he's, I miss him, just kidding.

Ha ha ha, if only I could go back in time, he was the one. No, I'm just kidding. When did you introduce your husband to your family? If only I could go back in time, he was the one. No, I'm just kidding. When did you introduce your husband to your family? I think it, oh man, Thanksgiving, like, so it was almost a year in. Okay. But they're in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

New Mexico. And my cousins live in Orange County, so. California. Yeah, so we California. Yeah. So we all convened at my cousin's house and he came for Thanksgiving. Was that overwhelming for him? Cause that's like a lot of family.

He loves that shit. Oh really? Yeah, he like, he loves it. How do you fare when you meet a bunch of people for the first time? Terrible. Same. Yeah, I sort of clam up.

Yeah, like I went to his cousin's wedding and I just, I just, I'm a little bit, I don't know, I sort of clam up. Um, yeah, like I went to his cousin's wedding and I just, I just, I'm a little bit, I don't know, I'm shy. I get shy when I meet people for the first time that I'm like, I think I'm gonna have to see you again. Yeah. And I don't want them to think I'm, like, insanely weird. So I'm just like, very quiet, and it takes me a minute to warm up. Totally. Um, yeah, and I takes me a minute to warm up. Totally.

Yeah, and I don't know how to fix that. But if I know I'm never gonna see you again or like I don't care, I'm like woohoo, I'm a real loony tune. I have a nice time. Don't you think most people have, like they know of you before they meet you? If you're... I bet. Like have you met your boyfriend's family? I bet. Like have you met your boyfriend's family? I have.

And I think they did know who I was, but nobody let on. And everyone was very, very kind, but I was like very nervous about it. Like I didn't realize I had anxiety until, maybe this was like two years ago, but like whenever I get anxious, I start moving very fast and then not doing anything

I'll be like doing my makeup and be like oh I have to put on a shirt and then I'll put on a shirt like that Doesn't work and then I'll be shirtless again, and then I'll like try to finish my makeup Yeah, and I'm just like moving and I'm like I Me a billion trillion percent. I don't know how people do that all day every day. Yeah, it's it's really tough So was it cursed friends that gave you anxiety it was it was that beautiful movie cursed friends forever They can't stream anywhere. I really don't think you can stream it anywhere. I Wouldn't it because it's it's a CBS Viacom property so what?

It's a CBS Viacom property, so wouldn't it be on Paramount Plus? Oh, so maybe it's on Paramount Plus. Maybe. Do you have Paramount Plus? I do not. I do, because I've been watching Yellow Jackets. It's really good. Is it good? I fucking love Yellow Jackets.

God damn. It's one of my favorite shows. Them bitches be eatin' each other. Spoiler, okay, here's another spoiler. One of my favorite lines from the show is, the character, Tayusa, comes out and she's like, what happened? And then the person she's dating says,

you don't remember? We ate her. Taisa, you ate her face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And it's sad with such calmness. Because that's the reality of their situation. They're stranded in the woods and they start eating each other. Oh Lord. So is it likely they're gonna get saved or is it this is just their life

that they now have to continue eating each other because they're so bad at like catching bunnies or something. Well, there was no bunnies. It was the winter. Oh. Oh, yes. They do get rescued at some point, but we're in season three and they're not rescued yet,

but it flashes back from that time period to present day. So like, they're not in the woods present day. So somehow they leave the woods. Okay. I like it. Dee! I think you should watch it. Well, I gotta see Landman at some point. I like it. Dee! I think you should watch it.

Well, I gotta see Land Man at some point. I don't know what that is. What's Land Man? I don't know, it's another one of these like Taylor Sheridan shows. Oh. That man is propping up that industry. He really is.

And I love that he's like, I'm gonna tell tales about the old west. And I'm like, okay. But Harrison Ford and Helen Miriam are in them. And I'm like, what? Oh my God. Miriam. Is that, that's but Harrison Ford and Helen Miriam are in them. And I'm like, what? Oh my God, Miriam. Is that, that's not her name? Helen Miran.

Miran. Miran? Yeah, Helen Miran. That was humiliating. I'm humiliated. No. Oh, no. Do you remember on our movie that everyone quit because there were no safety regulations and it was the peak COVID?

We went through three rounds of makeup artists and at one point I was also concurrently working on Nailed It at the time. And Nailed It was all daytime shoots and then Cursed Friends was all nighttime shoots. And I slowly lost my mind. Oh. Because I was also dating someone who needed my time.

Yes. And I didn't have time. I remember. My God. And at one point I was like, these are the same makeup people, they're just older. Like they just, it was like the same iteration of these. It was like a redhead, a brunette,

and then like a short one. And then when I came back, they were old. And I was like the same iteration of these. It was like a redhead, a brunette, and then like a short one. And then when I came back, they were old. And I was like, am I okay? Okay, but do you remember the most maddening thing? And I think the cruelest thing anyone's ever done to an actress is force you to have fake nails that were glued. They were glued to my fingers.

They were glued to your fingers. And it was like, it was 107 degrees. And my costume was a flannel. Yeah. I wore a wig, a flannel, jeans, Doc Martens, and had these nails glued to my hands. And the FX man didn't know how to, or didn't make them so they just slid on. So they were glued to me and I couldn't use the bathroom. So then, I mean I I could, but I,

it was a whole production, so I stopped drinking water. So I was like delirious dehydrated. It was, that was so. I am eight different colors in this movie because the makeup artists all use different makeup products. And I would look in the mirror and be like, she's different today. That was a mess of Potamio.

It was wild. But you and Harvey made me laugh more than anything in the whole world. It was a good time. That was very fun. And also cut together great. I know. When I watched it, I was like, wow, we did it.

I know. What a fun time. The director, Laura, did a great job. Laura Murphy, who I know from Girl Code. So it was really fun to be like, look where we are now. We're like making a fucking movie. We started, you know, doing Girl Code

in a conference room at MTV, where it was like smaller than this studio. And then we're here in Hollywood. I know, you were such a good sport about it. Like, I know you were quietly losing your minds, but you were like pleasantly demented. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Put it on my gravestone. Pleasantly demented. I also got into a fight with the dude I was seeing at the time and I do not remember this, but apparently one night when I was getting my makeup taken off, I told the blonde makeup artist about it and I came in the next day and she was like, honey, how are you?

And I was like, good. And she was like, did you get everything figured out? And I was like, yes. What? And she was like, you were sobbing last night. And I was like, I was sobbing? She was like, you were sitting in my chair sobbing about this fight that you had.

And I was like, I simply don't remember. I simply, truly do not remember. And that's when I was like, I feel wild. I'm losing chunks of time. Oh no. And then when I watched Nailed It, things happened that I didn't remember. I was like, well, that was really funny.

I have no idea where that came from. Holy shit. Yeah, I mean, sleep deprivation is real. Oh yeah. It truly makes you insane. No idea until that moment. But you know what? Nothing. I got nothing. I just remember sometimes I would look over at you and you would just, it was so clear you had completely switched off so that you couldn't feel anything. And I would just, it was so clear, you had completely switched off so that you couldn't feel anything. And I would just see you just blankly kind of smiling,

just being like. And I was like, oh no, sweet baby Nicole. Yep, just turn off, but be pleasant. She's not doing good, but she's being so nice about it. No, you just be nice. And then you go, I'm sorry. There were several times I'd get direction. I'd be go, I'm sorry, there were several times I get direction and I'd be like, I'm really sorry,

I need you to repeat that. It just didn't take, it didn't go in, it hit me in the head and I just didn't, I'm not, I can't do it. Harvey and I were little monsters on Harvey Guillen, who I love, we were little monsters on that set. At one point, I can't even remember how it started, but we were like, Mitch, I remember, Mitch was the PA,

and we were like, Mitch? Mitch, you call this big fat fatties. Then we went to set, and we were like, Mitch call this big fat fatties. They kept saying out loud to everybody who would listen that Mitch had called them fat, but he was fat shaming, fat phobic. Yes, he was.

Mitch is fat phobic, oh Mitch. I hope Mitch had a nice time. I had a wonderful time. Oh, to be on a set again. This episode of Why Won't You Date Me is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking.com has vacation rentals and hotels across the U.S. And truly, they have the ideal summer stay for absolutely anyone. I'm talking about your sleep light, early riser mom, your picky partner, or the whole high maintenance group chat. Whether you're planning a romantic weekend, a friend's trip, or just need to get out of your house because you're tired of looking at the same four walls,

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Find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com. Booking.yeah. Book today on the site or in the app. With a $5 meal deal with new McValue, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices and participation may vary. McDouble meals $6 in some markets for a limited time only. Was that your first lead role in a movie? No. It was my first time being number one on a call sheet ever. How did that feel? I felt more responsibility

and the fact that things were crumbling around us. Mm-hmm. And I'm such a fan of yours and Harvey's. Like, I was like, I was like, I feel partially responsible, but Harvey taught me not my circus, not my monkeys. Mm-hmm. And I was like, okay, yeah,

I'm doing the best I can with what I'm given. I'm just gonna stay positive and good Lord. And then the last day, I was driving to set, which was in Santa Clarita, I think we're at Disney Ranch. And I get a phone call and they're like, Jessica has COVID. And I was like, okay, so what's the plan? And they're like, we'll call you back in 10 minutes,

continue to head here. And I was like, okay. And then it was a false negative. Yes, because- Or false positive. Yeah, because their tests were all old or something. No, they bought cheap, like imitation tests because that's a way to save money.

And I remember that's why 80% of people tested positive the first week. And that's why the makeup artists all quit. Harvey tested positive. And then they sequestered him by himself in the woods. By a port-a-potty in the woods. In the woods! And we'd go from where we were.

The disrespect with which they treated Harvey Guillen, the busiest man in Hollywood It was so funny to walk over and be like Harvey You sick diva And then it turns out I wasn't even sick and then did we do another day or did you just come later? We did another day. I think I Remember I sobbed and I they were like, can you go get tested again? Like by like a legit service. Yes, and I tested negative and they were like, can you go get tested again? Like by like a legit service.

Yes. And I tested negative and they're like, okay, we're just gonna do it all tomorrow, I guess. Good God. It was crazy. I feel like maybe I didn't even shoot anything that day. I think I went for lunch and then they sent me home. That sounds about right.

Oh man. We're all walking on that street. Like it was all like, everything was Halloweeny and we were all walking down the street in our costumes. Yes. Yeah. Boy, oh boy, I was so hot all day. It was really bad.

Every day in my little, what, triple banger honey wagon? Oh, my God. And I'd be, like, blasting the air conditioning. And then I brought my own Febreze, because I was like, I'm going to be sweating in this, and I don't know if it's gonna get laundered. Because sometimes they just dry clean shit and you're like, this is still funky.

Oh God. Wash it, use soap and water. What are we doing? It's flannel, it's a cotton. Yeah. And at one point I was wearing overall, they had me in so much clothing. They were trying to kill you.

Yes. But you know what? I think it's a good movie if you could find it. Yeah, it is. Cursed Friends, get it in your eyeballs. It's a good Halloween movie. It is good. You're so funny in it.

You and Harvey are so fucking funny. I think you're very funny in it. Cursed Friends is available to stream on Apple TV and Paramount+. Thank you, Lars. Ugh, I love it. And we on Apple TV and Paramount Plus. Thank you, Lars. Oh, I love it. And we're not sponsored by Paramount Plus or Apple TV. But, you know, we could be.

Watch it. Let us get some residues. I just cast a cashed a residual check for 45 cents. And I said, that was rude. You I it took me at least a minute to open it with these nails. Stop wasting my time. And then I had to endorse it, and then I had to go to the bank for 45 cents? I just do automatic.

What do you? Like you can make it so all your residuals are just automatically deposited. I mean, you need to fire your business manager. I'm gonna be your business manager because I'm currently not working. I mean, I think they did say I could send it to them, but I kinda like going to the bank.

Yeah. I love watching the machine suck up the checks. That's real fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're the little, do the little sucky. Just a little sucky. Yeah, you like a little sucky. I like to watch things get sucked. Oh, yeah.

Suck up me check, Wells Fargo. Snort that up like a boy. You're a little pink rostrum. Oh yeah, you'll love it. And that's how I come. Only at Wells Fargo? Only in my car at the ATM at Wells Fargo. I didn't know this, but Sashir, my bestie Sashir,

she was like, whenever you see a Wells Fargo, you go, oh, there's a Wells Fargo. I guess I like to mentally note it. That's my guy. But it won't even be in California. Like I'll be anywhere else. And I'm like, we were in New Orleans and I was like, oh, Wells Fargo.

What, what am I doing? Also, when I was in New Orleans, I fell in love with this man at this restaurant. He was Creole and we go, we didn't have a reservation and I was like, oh, it's just two of us. And he said, I'm so sorry, we all fully committed this evening, but if you ladies have time tomorrow,

you will come back tomorrow. And I was so wet. I was like, oh my God. And he was fine as hell. Any of this like little gold chain on his black turtle neck. How old is he? Cause in my mind, he's like 84. No. No, young.

He was, I would say like late 20s, early 30s. Little unico, roshambo. Yes. Get a little gumbo. My god, I would have eaten his fucking gumbo. And that means asshole to me. And he was just, every time he walked into the dining room, we were like, oh my god.

He was so hot. And we went back the next room, we were like, oh my God. Like he was so hot. And we went back the next day and I put on a full face of makeup. I put on a dress for this man that I have a boyfriend. And I would never do anything with somebody else, but I was like, I need this man to find me attractive. And he went, welcome back ladies. And I was like, oh my God, he remembered me.

He was so hot. Oh my God. I oh my God, he remembered me! Amazing. He was so hot. Oh my God. I fell in love so many times in New Orleans. I was like, I need to throw up. Hold on, I have to. Have you been to New Orleans? I have not and I've always wanted to go.

I've never been to Nashville. I've never been to New Orleans. New Orleans is fucking great. We went to this jazz festival where there was like an all female brass band and we just danced for two hours listening to like big brass music It was just and there's there's a parade every Sunday. That's the shit. They have fun there Oh, there was a lady reading tarot cards sipping on a fireball and I was like I

Love it. Everyone's doing their own fucking thing. It's so fun. And then there's been yeas You watch 90 day fiance, of course, Day, Fiance? Of course I do. I know, of course, stupid question. I have a podcast about it. It's called 90 Day Bay, it's on Patreon. Oh, shit. When she brought that Iranian man to New Orleans. And he was losing his, like off the plane from Iran.

That's not boiling a frog slowly. That's such like this. And he was like, oh, you can't do any of this in Iran. It was so wild. It's the best show. What do you think about the throuple? I, yes, I do. They're not for me.

No. Because the whole, if you don't watch 90 Day, it's a throuple, it's a married couple bringing a third in. With the kids. They're going to divorce, so then... He can marry her. Yes, can marry her, bring her over. And I was like, ah, this is a bad idea.

This is not smart. And their girlfriend doesn't even like them that much. No. I think she likes, like, having sex with them. I think so, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship with these people. She doesn't want to be like a mother, a stepmother. No, well she also has kids of her own.

A step-truther. A step-truther. Also, did you watch The Last Resort? Yes. 90 Day The Last Resort, where couples who didn't work out go to couples therapy and tell these therapists the most toxic things. And you watch them in real time be like,

I don't think I can fix this, but maybe I say this to you. I, Stacey and Darcy are two of my favorite human beings. They are incredible. My God, they are entertainment. Darcy getting a full face on to work out on the bike so she can have a talk with all the other. She's like, oh, my poofy hurts. Oh, oh, my poofy.

She's so funny. I love her so much. How much plastic surgery can a five-one body take? That's, they're like, they're asking that question. They are gonna test that limit. They test the limits. I love them. I love them.

They don't, my favorite is like when they, they are like a car. They need maintenance. Yes. And you can tell when they need their maintenance because they'll have like three lashes over here, a full lash over here, a little wonky eye going on,

some like old makeup around the, ugh, I love them so much. It, they hurt my face. Like I can tell that their face hurts. I don't know, I don't think they feel anything. And I'm here for it. Like I, people talk about their faces. I love the evolution. I love.

When you see them in high school and they're like, we used to be bullied a lot. I love. When you see them in high school and they're like, we used to be bullied a lot. And they just look like completely different people. I love them. I love them so much. And you know who I actually really love this season?

We do have to wrap up, but Joan and Greg. Joan is from Uganda. Greg lives with his mother. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And will not get a job? He's like, I actually got offered to be a really, it's a high paying job with the government with a lot of benefits.

And he's like, no, I said no. I said no, cause I gotta be here to make bread for you. This man hands out bread in a rubber-bade Tupperware box. I was like, what? What? His mom is mowing the lawn, he's like, he's like, oh, it's my mother, she's mowing the lawn the lawn and then the mom's like how many showers a day do you take? She was three. Oh my god. There's too many showers. You gotta slow down on the showers

I love 90 day fiance there was one season where a man's mother lived in a closet and they had He had guinea pigs he had guinea pigs. Oh my God. Well, Jessica. Wait, what's this episode about? This? This is about dating and love and whatever the fuck I want. So Jessica, do you have advice for single people? Stay busy, stay open. So do take a sewing class.

Yeah. Play kickball. Like you're gonna meet people if you have like if you have like-minded skills and opportunities like that. Also get a dog. Yes. It's the best way to meet people. You can go to the dog park. Arf arf. Sorry my dog peed on you. Are you free tonight? It's weird to go up to a stranger and be like what's your name? But if you have a dog and you say, what's your dog's name? Such a good little Aladdin. That blew me away, because you're absolutely right.

If someone's like, what's your name? I'd be like, go fuck yourself. But if someone's like, what's your dog's name? I'm like, Clyde, do you want to know everything about him? That's my friend. Clyde. Suck my titties, it's Clyde. Turn around, Clyde.

Do you make your dog leave the room when you have sex? Yeah, he can't be in there. Same, it's weird. Yeah. I once fucked a man, his dog did not leave the room. His dog got on the bed. It got weird. Anyway, Jessica, I have a question.

Would you date me? Absolutely. Diva, anytime, any day. Thank you. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Pude Kiss. And if you write me something nasty

to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, hitting on me, I'll read it. And please, please submit them, because are we running low? We're doing okay. Thankfully this one person sent us like eight in a single email. So thank you Alex.

Thank you Alex. Alex sent a bunch. So this is from Alex. Hi Nicole, I'd invite you over to my home recording studio to make a mukbang pussy eating video, right? Slurp up your pussy juices like a hot bowl of ramen. We totally go viral Honestly, that's wild. How hot do you want my pussy? What's mukbang? It's where you eat a bunch it's like those videos were like a

Content creator will put a bunch of food out and then they're like, oh Like ASMR like they like the sound. I think they just oh they see I think right. It's the visual of it Yeah, it could be a little bit ASMR I think it's a lot of the time is just to keep other people company while they eat so you like watch someone else Eat while you eat and kind of company Sick sick sick sick. I love it. We got to stop do what go outside Go eat at a bar. Go meet people.

We live online too much, says the woman who spends hours on Instagram every day. I'm so online. It's sick. Did you see that man, Ashton? He's a man who did his morning routine and was dipping his head in ice cubes and lemons. Oh, my mom told me about him.

It was the first time she knew about a thing before me. He drinks the Saratoga water. Yes. In my hotel when I was in Austin had Saratoga water. So I took a picture and sent it to a friend. I was like, we gotta get to 10,000. And I was like, very few people would get this joke. I'm so online.

Anyway, that's the episode. Bye. Amazing. And just checking Jessica, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, sorry. No. Jessica, do you have anything you wanna promote? Oh, sorry. No. Jessica, do you have anything you wanna promote?

Absolutely not. Okay. My credit card points. Credit card points? Also, you can watch Wrecked. It was originally on TBS, and I assume it's on... No, you can't find it anywhere. Just kidding.

You can watch Minks. Minks? Is it the Minks? No. Oh, fuck. I fucked up your intro. I listened to your London episode, it's just Minx. And you know what's funny?

It says Minx on here and I thought that was wrong. So I corrected it wrongly. No. The Minx is also a great name. Oh, it was the Mick. Maybe you're thinking of that. It was the Mick and it's Minx. Oh my God, this is, I'm bad.

No. But you can watch Minx on HBO. No, Showtime, Paramount Plus. Stars. Fuck, man. I watched it, it's on Crave TV in Canada the first two seasons I watched it there. Ooh, go to Canada, you can watch it.

Okay, everyone fly to Toronto, watch Minx. And then Righteous Gemstones is on HBO. Only watch the episodes that Jessica is in so she can get residues. Oh, yeah, we like residues. We love residues, whether it's 52 cents or a dollar. Okay, see you later, everyone. Bye.

Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars, with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our Thief music is arranged by Mike Kamatay. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. and our theme music is arranged by Mike Cometae. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi there, my name is Allison Williams. If you know who I am at all, it would probably be thanks to my job as an actress on shows like Girls and in movies like Megan. Recently, when I was having a moment of gratitude for my group chat, I thought, I

wish everyone could have these geniuses at their fingertips like I do. Well, now you do. Hi, it's Hope. Hey, babe, it's Jamie. Welcome to our podcast, Landlines, where we share our life sustaining and shame extinguishing friendship. We have known each other and we've been friends for a very long time. Hope was my first best friend, but it wasn't mutual.

I mean, it wasn't the story of my life. I distinctly remember calling her on the phone and asking if she'd sit next to me on the bus and she said maybe. At least she didn't say no. She was maybe a meaner. Maybe it was like discerning. When I was pregnant, I started this group chat to prepare and crowdsource,

and it's been such a delight to troubleshoot with our friend group. And we just had this thought, should we invite other people into our group chat? I'm a therapist. I'm a trained early childhood educator. And I'm, well, you know, whatever I am, I guess someone who has the vibe of having it all together.

And still the three of us find it hard to be moms, partners, friends, family members, professional women, and just, you know, adults. The stuff we're talking about, whatever the recent fight was with our partner or the parenting concern we have or a funny thing with our kids, or it's like, what's going on with my body? I feel like I have like a family of squirrels living in my lower abdomen. Like I feel affirmed. I feel normalized. I feel like I'm not going fucking crazy. And I had to talk it out with you guys with different perspectives and different identities

that you're juggling. Totally. Lifelong friendship has been our lifeline. We sincerely hope our conversation makes you feel less alone in whatever you're going through. So subscribe to Landlines on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are out now on Headcom. Love you.