Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - A Halloween Wedding (w/ Mary Holland)

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

Friend and comedian  Mary Holland (Corked podcast) chats with Nicole about having a spooky Halloween themed wedding under a blue moon, managing her codependency in a relationship, and her time working as a wench at Medieval Times. Plus, Nicole shares her first time trip to Disneyland.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me and Nicole Byer try to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come on my teeth and call it a crown. Well, my guest today is a comedian and actor. Oh, my God.

Who's part of one of my favorite, favorite improv groups, Wild Horses. You've seen her on Parks and Rec, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Veep, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And all four episodes of her new true crime podcast, Corked, can now be heard on HeadGum. Whoop-ba-da-boo! I'm so excited for Mary Holland beep-bop-boop oh my gosh you were also in I think I texted you about this but maybe I forgot um that Netflix show that was like the lady across the hall from the window drinking the wine. Yep, that's the title. Yeah, she's across the hall, she's

drinking wine, she's a lady. It's all you need to know. You were so funny in it. Oh, thanks, Nicole. Thank you. Oh, no problem. It's always delightful whenever you pop up on my TV. I go, oh, my friend is being funny. Oh my god, I feel the

same way about you. Always. Thank you. So delighted by you forever and funny. I feel the same way about you. Always so delighted by you forever and ever. I like that. Huge fan. I'm a big fan. Do you remember that sketch we did way back when where we were students on a school trip and we find a sarcophagus and Echo Callum, his character just decides to be the mummy and he goes, wrap me up. And we're like, you don't have to, you don't have to.

You don't have to. And then we had the slowest and then we wrapped him in the slowest way possible and just said goodbye to our friend. It was so funny. Oh my gosh. We had a great time. We did a lot of wild sketches together. The fun aunts. The fun aunts fighting over the bill. What was the name of the swamp

Oh Darbus. The river monster. The river monster. That's right. That's right. Oh boy. You did one where you were like a sex ed teacher with condoms. That made me laugh so hard. I was so glad I wasn't in that sketch.

Or maybe I was in it one time. I think you performed it twice. I don't know. But I like kept laughing. I couldn't stop. It's a real hoot. It's a real hoot. I tried to demo how to use a

condom on my forearm, which is, you know, optimistic. It's so funny. Mary, can I, are you a Disney person? I am a Disney person. I love Disney. So you've been to Disneyland. I've been to Lond and World. Oh. Not to brag. I've only been to World. Went to Lond last night for my birthday. So my birthday was in August. This is now September.

But I'm going to talk about it anyway. Yeah, please. Mary, there's supposed to be fireworks every night. Yeah, absolutely. That's part of the deal. There was nary a firework. They said it was too windy. And who said this?

Who was saying this? I don't know. One of the park employees. Oh. One of the, I don't know. What are they called? Fun curators? Do they have a name?

I actually think every single person who works there is called a cast member. I think every single person who works there is called a cast member. I think every single person who works there is called a cast member. I could be wrong, but I think that's true. But also, I think that you could say that their fun guarantees is also what they are. Fun guarantees. Did not guarantee me fireworks. That is so disappointing, especially when you made the trip there specifically for that. And you said that was your first time at Disneyland?

That was my absolute first time at Disneyland. I had never, ever been, I'd been to world once or no twice. And I was very upset both times. It was too hot. My dad wanted to accomplish too much. Oh boy. The water was too expensive. And I think I heard my dad grumbling about that. So in my head, Oh, boy. We did have smart water, but only in little pockets. You had to find the smart water. You had to find the smart water. Okay, okay. So are you, well, let me ask you this. At what time did you arrive at Disneyland?

A good old 8 p.m. Okay, okay, great. So you have not experienced Disneyland at all during the day? No. Okay. And it was kind of hot last night, so I'm a little scared about the daytime. Oof, yeah. Yeah.

And I didn't go into California Adventure. I hear that's where Marvel is. The rumors are true. Marvel is there. And I didn't ride any of the classic ones like Space Mountain or what's another classic one? Oh, Big Thunder Railroad. That's a classic. No, I rode Dumbo, the carousel. Fun!

I went to the auto thing powered by Honda. Have you ever been on that? It's like bumper cars, but you can't bump nobody. No, I haven't been on that one powered by Honda. Oh my gosh. And then, oh, it's like in Tomorrowland, but it's gas powered cars. And I was like, wait a minute, this is Todayland. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's a sick burn. That is a sick burn. Yeah. I, oh gosh. Well, are you interested in going back? Oh, well, do you like roller coasters? Here's the thing. I'm not sure. Okay. There's this big slide in Detroit. I don't know if you've seen it on Instagram where it like, it has like little waves on the way down and there's a

specific way you have to ride it, but nobody can really figure it out so people are getting annihilated on this oh my god just like slamming down and i'm like i kind of want to do that maybe i do like roller coasters oh gosh i feel like you would especially because there's you there's no chance of getting your well i guess there's always a chance of getting your teeth knocked out but not like in this water slide where like it sounds like you could really really hurt yourself really hurt yourself oh boy i think i like roller coasters i really like the dumbo ride good okay yeah i love the teacups oh then, then you're going to love roller coasters because the teacups are the most barf-inducing rides. Like, that is the most barf-inducing ride I think I've ever ridden.

Oh, okay. Because you spin around and around. So I guess if I can handle that, I can handle a roller coaster. And let me tell you, there are some great ones there. I hope you go. I hope you will feel like you want to go back. But I understand if you don't, because you had, you know, your fireworks not happen. I think I will go back. I will say some of the ugliest families I've ever seen were there. This lady, her son.

Describe them! Well, they weren't an ugly family. They were actually a fine-looking family. But this woman was so close behind me, and I was like, oh, I don't like this. And then her son touched my butt and coughed. And I was like, is he COVID? What is this? Why would you ever? And I turned around, and she just went, sorry?

And I said, okay. Like, what am I going to do? Please don't let your son touch my butt and cough. Yeah, what is that move? I don't know. Touch the butt and cough. Get out of here. Yeah, it was weird and gross.

I ate a turkey leg. It was too juicy. It was a little too salty. Wow. Wow. Okay. And you, yeah, because with a turkey leg the risk is that it's too dry but this one was too wet too wet um and then it like was getting in my teeth and i

was like i don't know if i'm having fun anymore yeah yeah yeah yeah so wait are you like a big disney head have you been numerous times no No, listen, I go every day. I have gone quite a lot. I've gone to Disneyland a lot because, you know, it's right in our backyard. It's only 30 minutes away. I was surprised. I know. So I have been a lot over the years and have really gotten the experience down, I think, where I'm like, I know what I have like a focused idea of what I want to accomplish when I'm there.

You know what I mean? I don't feel like stress to like try to do everything. Yes. But I did recently go to Club 33. Oh, my word. And that's the secret. That's like the secret you have to like invite only. Don't tell anybody.

Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. It's a secret. It's a secret. I went with a friend who knew a member. And so because you can become a member of Club 33 and then you get, I think what you get is like free parking and like, you know, you can come to the park anytime you want. And you get certain like advantages or deals around the parks. You get certain advantages or deals around the parks. And then you can make dinner reservations.

Did you walk around the park at all? Did you go to New Orleans Square or anything like that? I think I went to New Orleans Square. We tried to get beignets. That's where Pirates of the Caribbean is? It's over there? Yes. Yes. That's where Pirates of the Caribbean is?

It's like over there? Yes. Yes. And so Club 33, there's a little secret door that's in New Orleans Square right by Pirates of the Caribbean. And it says 33 on it. And you go in. You have to go through a series of checkpoints. And you go up. And you go in.

And you go up and you go in and it's this, it's this like restaurant that is on the top floor of, like it's above Pirates of the Caribbean, basically. So like you, you can go out on the terrace and look down into New Orleans Square. Wow. It's so cool. But Disney had made it for him to be able to like entertain, you dignitaries and people like that yes yes yes yes so it was it was quite an experience and it was was the food good it was good i was sad that i didn't get to go to i I don't know, they have like Ant-Man restaurant where you get like big red cheeses and like little sodas. No, they do. That's so fun.

And you're a big Marvel fan now. Apparently. Right? I finished WandaVision, even though I only needed to watch three episodes. And then I was like, I'm curious about this She-Hulk lady. So I watched that episode and I understood things. I talked about the blip. I was very excited. Oh, you know everything. You're an expert. Oh, I don't think so. But I do know more than I ever thought I would know. Right, right. Well, I think you would really enjoy then the, I think they call it the Marvel Campus at California Adventure.

Because it is, you're stepping into, you're stepping into, what's the? Wakanda? Stepping into Wakanda, you're stepping into, I'm thinking of like, or no, the Avenger Campus. The Avenger Campus is what I was talking about. So you step, I don't know what city Avengers are in. I think they were in New York and then maybe moved upstate. Yeah. I don't know.

This is a guess. Well, it feels like you're walking right into that place. So it's great. It's great. And there's a lot of really fun rides. And listen, you know, characters just wander around. You can see Spider-Man doing flips all around the campus. Boy, oh boy.

I think I might have to go. I think you should go. And Lauren got to meet Loki. She sent me this video of her like screaming after Loki. Or maybe it was just a picture of her with Loki. I think you should go. Lauren went and Lauren got to meet Loki. She sent me this video of her like screaming after Loki. Or maybe it was just a picture of her with Loki. I can't remember. But I squealed. I was like, she met Loki! Yeah. It's exciting. There's a lot

to do. There's a lot to do and see beyond fireworks, even though the fireworks are great. But I'm sorry that those didn't happen. That's such a bummer. Thank you. Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry. Also, California Adventure closes earlier. The park closes at midnight and there was children at midnight. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Those parents are squeezing every penny of time that they can, which I understand.

I couldn't believe it. Another thing I couldn't believe, there was too many children that were too big for strollers. Just like long legs coming out of these strollers, dragging on the ground. I was like, I'm going to get this kid out of this stroller. Get this kid out of this stroller. I don't know. It's always like my first thought. I'm like, he's too big for that stroller. Why are you in that stroller? Absolutely. But, you know, maybe they needed to be in it. I don know maybe i shouldn't be judgmental mary who knows knows there's so many different ways to

look at it there truly is okay mary this is a relationship podcast oh um so i wanted to ask you some relationship things okay you got married on hallow I did. Was that because you're a big Halloweeny? Or it just like, you just decided Halloween? Like how did Halloween come up as a day to get married? I'm the biggest Halloweeny. I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. It's Matt's favorite holiday. And I hope that he came to that independently, but there's a good chance that I, that I maybe forced that to be true for him. Um, but we just love spooky things. We love eerie things. Uh, we, it's our favorite time in LA, the September, October time. There's so many great, scary, spooky things to do around the city. And so we, when we were thinking of like, when should we trying to set a date for the wedding? We actually were on a trip to Salem, Massachusetts. The spookiest part of maybe any part of the East Coast. That's right. That's right. So spooky. And we were there Halloween of, or in October of 2019. And we were taking this tour around the town.

And the tour guide was like, next year, next Halloween in 2020, it's on a Saturday and it's going to be a blue moon. So if you're interested in coming to Salem at that time, book your tickets now because it's going to be crazy here. And so when we, I was like, that's it. We have to be married under the blue moon on Halloween. Like that's perfect. That's perfect. And so we had planned this ceremony with our families in North Carolina. and then we were going to do a party in LA, but then COVID. Oh no, dang old COVID hit. a little ceremony in our backyard on Halloween. And then the next day have a drive-through reception with all our friends.

And then, which you came to. I did. And I should have dressed up just slightly more. No, no, no, no. You were perfect. It was, it was so lovely. And I think, I don't know if this was your experience at that particular time, but it was, it was still pretty early into the pandemic.

So I hadn't seen anybody. Like I hadn't physically seen anybody in so long. And so it was just the most amazing thing to get to see our friends in 3D. It was really nice. to get to see our friends in 3D. It was really nice. And I just remembered, I went with John Millheiser and we were both like a little nervous before we arrived. We were like, oh boy, I don't know.

I hope Mary likes this car. I don't know. I hope Mary might like that. I don't know. And we're going to see people. And then got out of the car and then it was just like, oh wait, these are like friends and it's nice. And no time has passed and everyone seems okay it was yeah it

was one of the first times i got to see people it was like very nice oh i'm so glad yeah we we have uh such wonderful pictures from that afternoon of of everybody just it did feel like a collective we're okay we're okay um but then we ended up having our we did like a postponed family celebration and we did that last halloween so yeah so um we've now had two weddings i love it the more the better you know that's it that's how you meet Matt? I assume it's improv at UCB? And it is improv at UCB. That's right. That's right. So did you ask Matt out first or did he ask you out first? Well, we were friends for like four or five years before we...

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We were on like an indie improv team together. We were, you know, we're single and started dating. Oh, I love it. Yeah. We were on like an indie improv team together. We were, you know, we're single and started dating. Oh, I love it. Yeah. So I, but I don't remember who asked who. I know. I know. That's your original question. Um, let me think. I feel like it was, it was sort of a mutual, it was, I think there was no like question being asked, like, will you go out with me? But it was a thing of, I was the first to say how I was feeling. And then he said how he was feeling. And then it was like from then on, okay, well, we're going out.

Oh, I like that. It just seems, it seems rather seamless and very easy it was a hard thing for one to try to replicate yeah yeah it definitely felt very organic and um but I think it was because we had that really long history as, as friends, you know, had that foundation there. But, oh, there were many times at the beginning of, of us like seeing each other where, where I was sort of panicking about how, um, like it was going along so seamlessly, like how we were transitioning from friends into something more in this way that, that felt really natural and right.

But I was panicking about that. Cause I was like, I think this shouldn't feel, this should feel harder or like more confusing or cause I don't, feel harder or like more confusing or because I don't my past dating experience had been not a lot so yeah it was uh yeah it was it was cool but then then it just kind of, we've been together ever since. So it worked out. I like that. Yeah. I like that you were like, why is this so easy?

I'm suspicious of this being easy. Oh, well, it's easy and I like it. I'll stay. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I think the thing that I experienced with Matt that I was unsure, I was like a little wary of was he just really seemed to genuinely like me and enjoy my company. And there wasn't any, well, if I do this, maybe he'll like me. You know, like it just felt like it was very safe.

It was it just felt very safe. Yeah. Oh, I like that. Can I ask you about when you were a teenager? Okay, so my assistant, she does research for me. She's very wonderful and I love her. So she found out that you were dating a guy as a teen who was the funny guy in class who would make fun of you a lot. And when you broke up, you felt powerless.

So then you looked up Carrie online. You watch Carrie and then looked up online how to use telekinesis. I really love that story. So funny. Yeah, that's true. That was in middle school. I had a little bit of a crisis. of a crisis. And yeah, I, oh gosh, the details of it are, are, I don't know if you feel this way about like looking back at that time in your life, but the details are like simultaneously very fuzzy. And also I'll never forget that like super clear. But with this guy, yeah, like everybody, every girl in school had a crush on this guy because he was so funny and so popular and just the most fun to be around. And we dated, I guess, in the way you date when you're 12 and don't know what that is. But yeah, he did like, he would make fun of people, some people in a really tough way.

And then other people, I guess you could view it as teasing, but it felt not good. And yeah, I watched Carrie and I was like, this is the answer. I got to get telekinesis I too watched Carrie at one point and every time I felt like and it usually was like romantically when I felt rejected I was like what if I could just move her away

out of his mind and then he'll love me so I wasn't trying to move objects I was trying to remove people from schools. Oh, I get that too. Yeah, I get that. And I think you can use telekinesis to like, you could probably physically lift someone with your mind and just like move them to a different place.

I wish I had telekinesis. I think it would be fun. I think it would be fun. I did. You know, I looked up how it, and this was like also early days of the internet where I was like on like a GeoCities website or something. But I looked up like, here's how you get telekinesis. Or this is how you can practice it. doing this too in my bedroom they recommended getting like a toilet paper roll like the cardboard cylinder and put an object on a surface and and you know hold the cylinder up to your eye and like so you're you're like focused your vision is focused on the subject um and then just think

about moving it and I practiced I did that for like a whole night. I tried to, I was just like looking through the hole of a toilet paper roll, trying to move a key chain or something. And it didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. Okay. I really do love that. I love that you try. That's my favorite part of the story that you're like, you know, I'll just try it. I will. Yeah, that's I listen. That's how that's my motto is you just try. I didn't date at all in middle school or high school. It was just hard. I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how girls were catching these gentlemen. Yeah.

And then I remember, I don't remember talking about anyone like having sex or anything until high school. And I was like, how are they doing that? That seems crazy. Oh my God. Same, same. I mean, truly this, this guy from seventh grade was like my only uh romantic fling and in in that time um and even then it wasn't it was like oh we kissed at a football game you know what I mean um so yeah I was like not did the thought of people having any kind of sexual expertise at at that age I was like, what? How are you doing that? Yeah, it blows my mind. Because even now as an adult, sometimes I'm a little awkward. And I'm like, boy, oh boy, Nicole, then? Oh, boy. How would it happen? Same. And I feel like I would have for sure been like, I just need to do what I see being done in movies. Like that is the only way I'm going to know how to do what I see being done in movies. Like that, that's, that is the

only way I'm going to know how to do this. And not, not that the opportunity ever came to me. I mean, oh God, I remember I got approached once and someone told me I stink. Oh no. Wait, were they like, Hey, you're cute, but I'm a little stinky? No, it wasn't even like someone I had a crush on or anything or any kind of romantic prospect. It was at summer camp. I was about the same age as I was when I tried to have telekinesis. when I tried to have telekinesis. And I remember at camp, I was sitting next to another girl in my cabin and she was like, you stink.

You like smell bad. And I was like, what? I do? And then I, that's when, but it was important for me, you know, because then I learned, oh, showers are very important. And deodorant's a great thing. And it's something that you should invest in when you become a 13-year-old. Deodorant is a wonderful thing. Yeah. I remember just being slightly dirty back then, being like, i don't have to shower every day and it's like no friend you do

you gotta do it i know it really felt like a chore to me i now i think i i if i'm honest nicole please be showers do still feel like chores to me yes and i yeah fully agree. Oh, you do? Yes. Because I feel like most people have a very mature relationship with showering where they're like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to get in the shower like after a long day. And I'm like, no. What? Yeah, I don't want it. I don't want it. If I didn't have to shower, I wouldn't. I would just opt out.

Yeah. Same. Now, that being said, shower, I wouldn't. I would just opt out. Yeah, same. Now, that being said, oh, I love baths. I do like a bath too, except when you get out of the bath, I feel like there's always the dirtiest little rig. I'm like, how? How? Am I this filthy?

I know, it's really frustrating. It's frustrating. So anyway, so, but my point is, no one was asking me to bone at that time oh me either um real quick we have to take a break okay we're back okay this is one of my favorite facts about you. Your first job was a photography wench at Medieval Times. That's right. Oh, yeah. How long did you work there?

I worked there for a full summer. It was between my freshman and sophomore year of college. my freshman and sophomore year of college. And it was in Schaumburg, Illinois. And yeah, I worked there every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for like three months, maybe. Loved it. I don't remember medieval times very well, but like, were you in character being like, ah, do you want a picture? Yes, that was, that was exactly what I said and exactly the way I said it. How did you know? I don't know. I was stalking you. I time traveled. I said, hello. Oh my gosh. Wait, I remember you. Yeah. I don't remember ever getting like specific guidance about a British accent or like a Cockney accent or whatever, but, uh, everyone around me was doing it. And it was sort of like, uh, I guess we're, I guess this is, this is part of it. You just slip into an accent. You did have to call

everybody my Lord or my lady. And then, yeah, I sold, we would take pictures of people as they came in and then we would print them out feverishly in like a photo lab while the show was starting. And then we would go around, we'd get like packets and we'd go around and try to sell them to the people that, whose pictures we had just taken. Now, here's a question. Was it hourly or did you get paid when you sold packages? I had an hourly rate, but it was a bad, it was $6 and 50 cents an hour. No.

And then if you sold packets, the packets were, um, $20. And if you sold packets, you got to keep a percentage of that you got like commission um okay and i oh i was terrible i i couldn't i could never sell anything so i paid to work there basically because i also i drove 100 miles round trip to work there mary i I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. A hundred miles round trip. That is wild.

I know. It was 50 miles from where I was living in the town I went to college in. And so I would drive 50 miles. I'd work and I'd drive 50 miles. Oh my word. That's like an hour back and forth. Well, when I tell you the car that I was driving in, it's going to make, it's going to really paint the picture for you. It was a PT Cruiser. Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, this is my favorite imagery. Did you get dressed at work or did you wear your work outfit in your your baby i call them baby hearses i know they're so funny i thought they were so cool um but now i know better now i know better um but i think they're still pretty cool every time i see one i'm really excited. Yeah, it's like an experience. But yes, my baby hearse, I would drive my baby hearse. I think I had my wardrobe with me a lot of the time, but you would also turn it in like in the locker rooms, they had like a laundry station where people you could turn your

where people, you could turn your costume in and have it dry cleaned there. Oh, okay. Which was nice. But yeah, oh yeah. When I loved the outfit, it was like a tiny little like half corset. And then like a, you know, a peasant girl top. Yeah, like a billowy top. Yeah.

And then a long skirt. Kind of. My skirt, because it couldn't get in the way of us, you know, trotting up and down the stairs. So it hit, I think, mid-calf. It was like a midi skirt, like a medieval midi skirt. Oh, I love a medieval midi. It sounds fashionable and delicious and delightful. It was all those things. Oh, yeah.

When did you move out to LA? I moved to LA in 2007. Okay. Yeah. That's was it like right after graduating college? Yeah. Yep. And what were your dreams when you first moved here? Oh, Nicole, I had such dreams. My dream. Oh, I did. I just I came from theater school. So I came from acting school and I dream. Oh, I just, well, I came from theater school. So I came from acting school and I had, oh, stars in my eyes. I like wanted to do film and TV and I wanted to, I wanted to like, yeah, I wanted to be movies like Lord of the Rings, if we're being real. Yeah, I wanted to be in movies like Lord of the Rings, if we're being real.

I like saw, of course, very naively was like, you just moved to LA and you just do it. You just moved to LA and you audition and you get things. You audition and you book it and everyone wants you. That's right. And they did. They really didn't. And they didn't for a long time, uh, like eight, eight ish years. So it was, uh, it was, it was a tough time, but in that time, that's when I started taking UCB classes and doing improv. And that was definitely a, uh, a real,

a real it was like an outlet that I so desperately needed and wanted in a community and you know it was just it was really a lifesaver yeah I think of UCB as such a magical place because I was like wait a minute so everybody here has basically the same goals and everyone is very funny and very nice like when I moved to LA I was like good lord everyone's so nice it was just really welcoming yeah very welcoming very nice because I'd met a lot of people through like DCM and if you don't know what DCM is Delclose Marathon Improv 24 hours a day for 72 hours yeah I remember some of my first shows were at like 4 30 in the morning and be like, so pumped for six people who are sleeping in the audience. Yes. Yeah. So when did you move out here? You moved out. I moved out here in 2012. Okay. Yes. And then was like October, 2012. Okay. Yes. And then was like October 2012.

Yeah, I drove my little Honda Civic to a cross country. It was terrible. I hated it. I'll never do it again. I did it in one of my suitcases. And it never occurred to me to ship things. So I said, I'll take everything I can pack in a car and then I'll just like put everything else in storage. Whoa. Yeah. You, you didn't want to buy suitcases. No, no. And then I

didn't know about shipping things. Got it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. Wow. Very silly. So yeah, I bought a little, little car. And did anybody go with you on this road trip or with a solo? So I drove solo. I truly left New York at 5 p.m. Not good. And then made it to Chicago at an ungodly time in the morning and then slept at my sister's place. And then my grandmother was like, just go with her, Catherine. I don't think she was working at the time or maybe it was a weekend. I don't know. But my grandparents were like, just go with her. This is not good. She can't drive by herself. So she came with me. She wouldn't let me pick up hitchhikers. Nor did I have room in my car. Of course. What a story. What a fun time. Maybe we would have fallen in love. Who knows?

Yeah, that would be romantic it could have been very romantic me my sister this stranger this man on the lam but yeah la when i got here it was just nice and then it yeah i did comedy for a very long time before people were like oh oh, we like this. And then even still on Twitter and on Reddit, they go, we hate this. But it's okay. I'm not for everybody. That's okay.

And that's something we have to, we do have to make peace with. I, when you see those, those, um, people who, who really don't love what you're doing. Yeah. They're mad about it. Even they're in fact, they're, they feel, um, really upset that you were, that you're a part of the conversation at all. Um, it is, it is a really good lesson. And like, you know, that's okay. I'm not going to be for everybody. And that's okay. But that's easier said than done. Yes. Because I do cry a lot about it. Do you? Well, yes. I don't know if you know this about me, but I am just a real great codependent lady. That's not what I thought you were going to say. A real codependent lady.

Very, very much like, do people like me? Are they liking me? And if they're not, what can I do to? That's also why with Matt, when I didn't need to do that so much that was like a really it was like a a um yeah it was a relief well i'll tell you this you're gonna work forever you're very funny you're gonna work forever people who don't like you, Mary, I think are dumb. And you know what? What?

And people who don't like you, Nicole, I think they can just hit the road. Yeah, hit the road. Get out of here. Because they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what they're talking about. They sure don't. Do you, do you and Matt, do you guys perform together? I know you've done sketches together.

Cause you would fill in on new money on a sketch team. Did you ever do like improv with Matt? We did. We did. We actually had a two person team before we were dating. We had a two person team cause we were on an indie improv team together and just had so much fun that we're like, oh, let's start a two-person team. So we did a couple shows as a two-person team. I really feel like you guys have such a strong foundation of a friendship that like.

Yeah. I don't know. It sounds really sweet and nice. Yeah. And maybe it's what we all should be doing. Maybe I should be trying to make friends with people. Yeah. And then go, do you want to love me? I think this was in the times before Hinge and Tinder.

And I feel like the dating world is so much more open and there's so many different ways to meet people now. But at the time, there was just like, OKCupid and Match.com. And I went on a few dates through those sites. And it always was, none of them were great. The people were fine. was none of them were great the people were fine but but it was like I think for me your point is is very true where it's like oh I need to already kind of know a person and have a rapport with them in order to know if I'm interested in them you know what I mean um like I can't really gauge that having just met somebody brand new. You know what I mean? On a date.

And I feel like dating is inherently bad because, especially with, like, apps and stuff, because you talk to them via, like, a texting. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, I'll make up, I'll fill in the blanks. And then you meet them and then you're like, well, I want this to work out. And then you're like, oh, I'll make up, I'll fill in the blanks. And then you meet them and then you're like, well, I want this to work out. And then you're like, wait, I don't know, maybe I don't. And then you don't actually get to be friends because you're just working on making it work romantically. Right, right. Hmm. I don't know. I don't know. It does seem like it's so exciting because there's so many opportunities. But then also, I can only imagine, very confusing and very, the game playing that happens must be on a whole other level. Yeah.

fine person uh people are like if you go out with men you have to like make them want to chase you which inherently feels dumb because i'm like why can't i just say hi excuse me i think i like you do you want to have nice times and then apparently that makes them scared so then they go no thank you i don't want that but then if you date women I've been told that they'll go, yes, I want to have nice times. Let's move in together. And then I don't know. It's all very, very silly and weird. It's all very silly and weird. And also it's, it just feels, I think it just is always going to feel tough when you feel like you have to like shape your behavior into something somebody else wants or what you think some or like what you anticipate somebody wants that just always always feels a little uh hard and confusing yeah here's a weird question matt is also an actor and a performer. Yeah. Do you ever feel like you're rivals?

I guess not because you're going out for different parts. Yeah. Yeah. Is it hard on your relationship to be in the same industry? It's not. I mean, I think there's like, yeah, that hasn't really come up for us I I think the nice things about that is that there's a real understanding of like how when crazy the scheduling can get or how like unpredictable it can be and things can come up last minute where you gotta leave for a long time or um you know our auditions come up last minute and plans get shifted and so

that kind there's a a definitely like a mutual understanding of what this like lifestyle and industry is i mean i think there's there's there's aspects of it where it's like, oh yeah, like I'm sure that there, I'm, we'll have opportunities that he would love to have and vice versa, but it hasn't, it hasn't come up in a way where it feels like there's a negativity around it, you know? Yeah. Because from the outside, it seems like you're like both your biggest cheerleaders for each other and it just it seems it that's what it seemed like and I was just curious to know if that was true yeah and I like that I like that you guys both seem so excited about what the other one is doing and then every time I see you together you just seem like, I don't know, so happy. It's nice. Oh, thank you. It's nice when friends are in love.

It's nice to go, wow. I sound insane. But like, I don't know. I'm like, I didn't realize how much of like a romantic I am. I think I spent my early 20s being like, oh, romance is dumb. Let me just fuck. But now I'm so horny for love. I can't even.

Yeah. I'm just like, love is nice and love is pure. Love is nice and love is pure and love is good. Love is delicious. Love is delicious. Yeah. He, he, he, I feel so supported and, and loved. And I think that I, and I've said this to him a number of times where it's

like i and i hope he feels the same way but it's like because i feel i do feel so um he is a cheerleader for me and such a support that i feel brave enough to reach even, even farther and higher. Like I feel like knowing I have, um, that he's got my back and he's there and he's rooting for me. It just, it, uh, I want to accomplish more and try more and do more because of that. I love that. Real quick. quick we gotta take another break see ya and we're back um i just want to read to you um what a nice man said on one of these appies okay this person's name on the app is dirt no no i'm not judging dirt i'm just like is that your nickname why is it your nickname that's interesting well it's a conversation starter, that's for sure. It is.

And on Hinge, there's a prompt that says, two truths and a lie. Dirt says, I've never been to jail. I play video games all day. I love women. So I'm like, two truths and a lie. So I'm like, so you've been to jail. I've never been to jail. Yes, it's so specific to include that in your,

in your, like the first three sentences about you. It feels like, well, why are you bringing this up? Yeah, why, what's going on, Dirt? Yeah, Dirt. Yeah, Dirt, dirt just you could leave uh you could leave some things uh to to my imagination that's right or you could just say hey i'm law abiding hey i'm dirt i abide by the law and the rules. Hey, I'm Dirt. Wow. Is there a last name? I know you probably can't say it, but no, it's just Dirt.

Dirt is like Cher. He's just Dirt. He's just Dirt. Well, and he loves women. He loves women. He plays video games all day. Maybe he's never been to jail. He loves women, but he doesn't play video games all day.

You know? Oh, you know what? Truly never occurred to me. I was like, surely Dirt's been to jail. I love Dirt. And I was like, maybe I'll try to match with Dirt. Yeah. But I don't know.

You don't know? Well, do you like video games? Are you into those? You know, I'm not good at them. During the pandemic, I tried to play, what was it called? Animal Crossing. Oh, everybody was into

that. Yeah. Yeah, I was just following the trends, but Tim Nook is a crook, and you have to give him all your bells and then he won't let you have a house right right right yeah i see and um this person said to me um he said i'm sure it's annoying to hear from fans when you're trying to find a man but i just have to say you make me so happy and i hope you find love soon which was very kind but i was like if not with you why why why talk to me because

you know you get something in your little inbox and you're like who's it gonna be yeah he said not me this was on this was on hinge that you got this message okay, who's it going to be? And he said, not me. This was on Hinge that you got this message? Okay. Yeah. That's confusing. That is a very nice message, but it's misleading on that platform. Yeah. Oh, well.

Yeah. Mary, can I ask you about when you moved to L.A. and you were a hostess at a fancy restaurant and they said that you were not fancy enough? How were you not fancy enough? Oh, look at me. Do you think you're fancy? Well, thank you. I am not fancy and I don't know how I got that job, but I was told, oh boy. I was, we had to wear like a, oh, it was another job that had a very specific uniform. And it was like, I wore like gold lame pants and like a really like, like a silk, like top thing that I wore over the gold lame pants. like top thing that I wore over the golden may pants. And I, uh, we, well, in my time there, I was a, I was a hostess there. And in my time there, we went through so many different general

managers at this restaurant, but there was one who like called a meeting with the front of house with the, you know, hostess stand. And, and every other person who worked there was, I think two of them were actually professional models. Uh, one of them was like a tennis, uh, star instructor person. And I was told what the, the, the manager was like, okay, so I just wanted to like talk about appearances. And some of you are doing a great job. You show up to work. You're very polished. You're very clean. You're very sophisticated. And some of you look like you just rolled out of bed. And like, I felt everyone just kind of because I had this like fuzzy hair and didn't know what I was doing with makeup. And I, it was, it was, uh, it was very clearly about me,

but I also, but I also, Nicole, I was like, sir, this is my best. This is me doing my best. And, and I, I hear the note. I hear the feedback. I am already spending two hours getting ready before coming here. Like I cannot. This is as good as it's going to get. So, yeah. I didn't work long thereafter that. I didn't get fired. Okay.

I don't think. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. I don't think. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. I don't think I did. But yeah, it was tough. You know, you just got to, I guess, have a certain aesthetic as a person. And I just didn't really have it.

I was shocked that I got a job at this fancy place in Beverly Hills. Like, I really stick out like a sore thumb. I don't think so. I also got fired from not being, well, I was told I was too jolly. It was this, like, trendy restaurant in Chelsea called Elmo. I don't know if it still exists. This is years and years and years ago. I want to see if it does.

How interesting. Okay. And I wore wore for my first night silver, like a silver lame or like faux leather skirt, black leggings, those like Peter Pan boots that like wouldn't go away for a while. And then a white turtleneck and then like big chunky jewelry and maybe a wig. I don't remember if I was wearing my hair short and natural at that time, but I just remember, and I did my makeup and I was wearing my hair short and natural at that time. But I just remember, and I did my makeup, and I was wearing my blue contacts because I was like,

for a while, really thought I was Lil' Kim. I remember being like, I look amazing. And then the manager was like, huh, this outfit, honey. And I was like, he called me honey. I don't think he likes my outfit. And then I learned the Flora plan or whatever and was seating people fine and he he was just like so mean to me and then um the next day they like called so I came in for my shift and they were like, can we talk to you, Nicole? Oh, no. And I was like, yes.

And I think I was wearing like a red corduroy something. And again, I thought I looked really cute. Yeah. And it was like a gay place. And I thought like they would appreciate, you know, fun things. But they were like very like posh gay people. So they were like, Nicole, can you come in the back? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, we'reh gay people um so they were like nicole keep coming the back and i was like yeah and they're like we're gonna have to let you go no they what

yeah and i was like oh um am i not doing a good job and they were i remember the one guy who hired me was like i'm so sorry i think you're really wonderful and i was like okay and the other guy was like yeah i just i think you're just a little too jolly and i was like jolly excuse me jolly i was like is this a euphemism for fat oh my god but then i thought back to being like hello here's your table do you love it like trendy music is playing oh i would love that if i had that experience at a restaurant. It's joyful and unpretentious and kind. It's not the look they were going for. Forget it. Oh, I don't like that place.

I mean, they had an okay Cobb salad. But other than that, I will walk past it because it was right next to mcmanus if you remember oh yeah in new york on 17th and 7th i believe so i would go to mcmanus and be like did you ever go in after you i don't think i went in again after i was fired i think i was like very embarrassed and i was like i couldn't possibly yeah this is funny that i have this mug here it's a mug that says why won't you date me with nicole meyer well and i didn't see the smaller print on it i just see a well it's like a picture of nicole and then it just says date me yeah and the picture is done by this man named Ian. Oh, I wish I could remember his last name. Ian O'Fleming, I think.

He'll just draw me every now and again. And he'll listen to the podcast. I once was like, I wish someone would draw me as a fat storm. And he said, here you go. He's very, very sweet. Oh, that's nice. Maybe I should make a request right now since I'm talking about him. Okay.

Oh, my gosh. What are'm talking about him. Okay. Oh my gosh, what are you going to do? Okay, Ian, will you draw me as... The only thing I can think of is like a cute lady riding a giant pig. And that sounds insane. That sounds perfect. I kind of, I want that. That sounds perfect.

With a saddle or without a saddle? No, okay. Here's what I want what i want and if you're listening i don't even know if he still listens but ian okay maybe he doesn't listen maybe he listens to a different podcast i don't know if someone knows he and get it to him i would like to be um okay i think her name is pretty persuasion from the marvel cinematic universe she's like um a sex worker who's like a badass. I want to be her floating in a rubber ducky pool floaty. I don't know who Pretty Persuasion is. I feel so out of touch. No, it's okay.

It's a deep cut. So Sean Diston was on Newcomers and he came up with fun characters for me and Lauren to play. He picked Pretty Persuasion for me. And then there's a wild looking, I think, half duck thing for Lauren. And it made me laugh so hard because I was like, I think that would truly be so perfect for Lauren to be half a duck. Lauren Lapkus, if you don't know who I'm talking about.

I think she'd be so funny. Some sort of animal. Oh, yeah. She'd knock it out of the park. We need to see this film. We gotta see it. I'm gonna look for the deadline article about it. Oh, boy, do I love deadline day.

When other people post deadlines, get excited I'm like oh friends are getting deadlines if you don't know what deadline is it's a pretty boring website that just tells you what's getting made oh my gosh we love it we love to screenshot it and be like guess what's actually getting made or what might get made or, you know, there might be a post later where I thank everybody for the opportunity and it doesn't happen. Oh my God. Yes. Gosh, we live in such a wild time. The thing is, even you could even, like it used to be, I used to like think about this business, okay well you know just because something said someone says something's gonna happen doesn't mean it's gonna happen you gotta

like wait until you're like actually there and you're actually doing it and you've actually but even now like with batgirl that's not true mary it blows my mind. It's so upsetting. They shot a whole movie with a Latina bat girl, and they said, we simply can't let another eye see this. I'm dying to see it because I think it would be a great movie. I don't know. I just, for me, representation matters so much. And it's like, well, it was greenlit. I know there was a merge and there's a change of power,

but it's like, just let people finish out what they started. Absolutely. The filmmakers, like, the creative team that was a part of that, I'm devastated for. Right? It just got yanked from them at the last minute for, I think, a tax break, which is such bullshit. Something like that. Yeah. And there's a lot of like animation

stuff that's getting pulled from like hbo and i'm just like god people worked on this yeah and it's like sure they all got paid but i mean there's one thing about like getting paid but then there's another thing about being like oh here are the fruits of my labor and i get to see all this work that we came together to make. And that's another thing. When people say nasty things about stuff, I'm like, do you understand that these people weren't trying to make something bad? They were trying to make something good. So who was I talking to about this? It was about reviews.

Oh, Maureen. You know Maureen. Oh, yeah. We were talking. I won't attempt to say her last name. It's a little hard for me. But she had gotten some reviews that weren't super nice for, God, what is the arm wrestling movie? You're in it.

Golden Arm. Oh, Golden Arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she had less favorable reviews. And I was like, I wonder if any of these male reviewers realize that, like, it's a female buddy comedy. So maybe it wasn't for them right i know yes and it is that thing of listen having like of course every everyone should have an opinion and is entitled to one and that's all great and and should experience art that's put out there they should have their own experience of it but i do think

that it can veer into a territory that that does feel like it disregards like okay but we all really put our hearts and souls into this and like it's like very personal to us like it yeah this isn't just a um a spreadsheet that we put together it's like this is we're actually trying to make art yes and so yeah and that scene didn't like took hours to shoot there's somebody who lit it up who got the focus right on the cameras uh there was a crew who liked it and cared about it had a nice time and yeah so much prep goes into it so i'm like just to like negate all that with like terrible terror like i don't know i i do think it's okay to have an opinion but i do think it's also i think you can also be like for me exactly what i didn't like exactly but here i can also see why someone might like this

like might see themselves represented in something i don't understand i don't know i know well i think sometimes some reviews are just like it feels like they are the purposefully written to be as like eviscerating as possible like how can they get as clever and witty with their takedowns as they possibly can? And you're like, well, I'm a human. And you're like writing this about me. And it really feels really awful. And so hard not to like, oh, internalize it forever and ever. Yeah. And not take it personally and be, that was, they didn't like that. So they're not going to like this. I've just truly learned to be like, you know, there might be a couple, like with my special,

there was a couple like really very mean reviews. And I was like, well, there are people who do like it. And they do like tag me on Instagram and like, that's nice. So I'm going to just focus on that because I didn't make it for people who don't like my humor, who don't want to watch my stuff. I made it for people who already like me and want to watch it. So I really had to focus on that. And that was hard work. Yeah. Yeah. That's really hard. But I'm glad focus on that and that was hard yeah yeah that's really hard um but i'm glad you did that because that's exactly it is that it's like the uh i mean it's

the same with freaking dating where it's like if you if you try to be what everyone likes, you're not going to be you, you know? Like it's, that's, uh, being you is the, the, the best possible way to find love and to also make good art. And that's, um, that's what we're trying to do. Mary, I like that. You just be you because I think you're perfect. Oh, Mary, thank you. Okay, I have a question. We're going to come to an end because I have to let you go, but I could talk to you all dang dang. Oh, me too. Okay, would you date me?

Yes. Oh, thank you, Mary. I do. I do too. do, too. Mary, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. You know, well, the holiday season is almost upon us.

I know we're three or four months away, but you can always, it's never too early to get in the season spirits and Happiest Season, I believe, is on Hulu. You can watch that. There's a movie called- UPS are so funny in it. Thanks, Nicole. So funny. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't know if you know, but that character is based on me. I couldn't tell. And then Senior Year on Netflix is a fun romp. And then The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window is the show that Nicole was talking about earlier. And then I am a part of a true crime series on HeadGum called Corked.

And that is out now. All episodes available to stream. I love that. Mary, thank you so much for coming on. Oh, Nicole, thank you for having me. This was a joy. It was a dream okay if you liked this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you could rate it subscribe or whatever give me five stars on apple podcast and if you write me something to why won't you date me podcast

at gmail.com hitting on me or saying something nasty i will read it please do not send mars dick pics she is my producer. She has to sift through them. She does not want that. No. This nice person said. Oh, God. See, yes. Mary says no.

Yes. This nice person said. You want to date me because I'll make sweet love to your beautiful curly locks every day. I'll fill your hair with so much sweet cock milk that you never need to buy hair gel again. Cock milk? I want to run into a brick wall. Okay.

Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff and jeff ross thanks for listening i love you thank you so much we'll be seeing you you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. Ha ha ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.