Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - A Love Queen (w/ Sasha Velour)

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

Drag queen icon Sasha Velour (winner of Drag Race S9) chats with Nicole about coming out to their dad at a TGI Fridays, the challenges of working with their boyfriend, and speaks out on the current backlash against drag.  We just recorded a fabulous LIVE episode of Why Won't You Date Me with Gigi Goode! It's available on video on demand until April 19th. Stream it now at moment.co/dateme. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could bring me to a cliff, raise me in the air like Simba, and then drop me and go, oopsie daisy, I guess you're dead. My guest today is an iconic drag queen, visual artist, and winner of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 9. Their new book, The Big Reveal, an illustrated manifesto of drag, is out now.

Guess who it is? You don't have to guess. I'm going to tell you. It's Sasha Vallone. Thank you so much for having me, Nicole. Honored to be here. Thank you so much for doing this. Okay. I have queries. Queries and questions. Bring them on. Okay. So, yes, you were on Drag Race.

Did dating change for you after being on Drag Race? Or were you, like, in a relationship? Tell me about it. Oh, my gosh. Love this question. I love people's horror stories of dating after being on a reality TV show, having your entire personality blown up for the world. But I was in a relationship before. I've been in a relationship with my partner, Johnny, who literally helped me get ready

and pack for Drag Race. We've been together for 11 years. 11 years. Oh my. Yeah. So I was just a young child when we got together. Just a small youth. I'm an elder. How did you meet? We met in a bar, a straight bar in rural Vermont, where I was drawing comics and studying in this like little comic book institute called the Center for Cartoon

Studies. Because before I was ready to be a drag queen, I was going to draw drag queens in comic books. But I was still getting myself all dolled up, either like high faggotry or actual drag on the streets of small town Vermont. And I met this actor who was in a holiday production of Annie at the local theater. Who were they playing? Daddy Warbucks? Drake the butler. Okay. All right. And the sound guy in the radio, you know, ensemble. And I just thought he was so hot

and nice. And we ran into each other in the men's room line. You know, classic gay stuff. And the rest is history i okay so who hit on who first or who was like the one who initiated like you're hot let's take this uh somewhere else okay the long story long story short i'll do the short version um one of my cartoonist friends had seen ann Annie and wanted to go say hi to the actors. And so I went along and I pretended that I too had seen Annie. Although in reality, I was like given the opportunity and said I would never go see Annie. I later did. So we went to go talk to the actors together and he gave me his business card.

I love that. And when I went home that night i texted the number on the card and we arranged a dessert date a dessert date how fucking adorable oh my god i would love nothing more than for like someone to be like hey do you want to like get dessert i'd be like abso-fucking-lutely i love nothing nothing more than ice cream and like sex that's delightful so johnny helps you johnny's his name johnny yeah um so he helps you with your drag and everything is it hard to work with someone that you also are like romantically involved with yes it's a horrible mistake that I would not recommend to anyone.

What are some of the issues that you guys have? I hate that I'm like the poster queen for working with your partner. It was out of necessity. It was a terrible accident from like not being able to afford to hire like an actual professional. But we figured it out. I feel like neither of us really know what we're doing when it comes. We just were like throwing some shows in bars, trying to self-publish a magazine, just real like scrappy DIY style.

And then Drag Race happened and everything got huge. We went from literally like packaging up t-shirts on the floor of our one bedroom apartment and sending them out to like trying to figure out how to work with merch sellers and like produce things on a larger scale. Was that overwhelming? Extremely. Yeah, right? It happens like overnight, but not in, it's like when people go, it happens overnight. like overnight but not in it's like when people go it happens overnight it's like yeah but so much work went into it happening overnight that when it happens it's it's wild right absolutely we were living like a fantasy drag is so much about the fantasy and we were living

a fantasy that like sasha velour was this important drag queen this celebrity even when i had 10 people in my audience and was like having to give away my t-shirts that people would promote me and then like once it became real there was such a disconnect I love that I feel like it's like Lady Gaga like I feel like before she was famous she would do these interviews and she would just exude this like I'm very important and then you know she became Gaga and I I just love old interviews of her okay so my assistant Lindsay is very very good and I love her so much and she has a fact for me okay so you came out when you were 15 years old at a TGI Fridays and the reason why I bring that up is, why TGI Fridays? Why not? Trying to meet my dad in a straight cultural place, make sure he felt comfortable.

That's honestly really funny. It's like, I just wanted to meet you halfway. Everyone's dressed like a referee. It's pretty straight in here. I'm going to tell you something. Yeah. I really, truly love that. I once auditioned to work at a TGI Fridays.

Stop it. And I say audition because it was an open call, like a cattle call for an audition. And we all had to bring our headshots. And we waited all day. And then the interview truly consisted of like three questions. And then they never called me heartbreaking what a huge mistake they made big mistake big mistake big mistake so wait when did you get into drag uh multiple times and then i kept like running away from it

um i was listening to i love your podcast and was listening to like of course I listened to all the drag artists first and I'm like everyone says they started drag as like a toddler really like that's when we first like discover that there's a diva inside us waiting to come out and have a stage

so I had that era my my queen was the Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz I wanted to melt and like scream and throw fireballs. But then I didn't really start thinking of myself as a drag queen until I went through this comic book avenue to get it. And I was very intellectual, studying the research, thought I would write the history of drag queens as an outsider um but when i started i started researching sylvia rivera's account of the stonewall riots

and that like turns out actually she made it up apparently she wasn't there she was like passed out in a park and missed the whole riots but she's the best storyteller of them i stand by this wait that's so funny to be like i was there and they're like no bitch you were passed out in a park it's almost more legendary yes that says something about drag to me you're like none of these people who are here were paying as much attention as i learned from hearing all the gossip so i can tell a better story and I'm gonna put myself at the center of it oh what a dream that's so funny um so I was drawing her story and stylizing it up giving her a big cat eye makeup and super arched brows and then I started drawing it on my face. And I wanted to see what it would be like if I developed my drag character.

So I drew a comic book about Sasha Velour. I came up with a name as a comic book character and had her shoplift a pair of tights from Walmart, which was a true story that I didn't tell anyone. I love shoplifting. Honestly, I listen. Things are expensive for a reason. I love shoplifting. Honestly, I listen. Things are expensive for a reason. It's like they're capitalism. Yeah.

Capitalism is terrible. Why not steal from big box stores? Never mom and pop shops. Never. But Walmart, Target, all of them. Just take what you want. I'm kidding. Don't do that. But also do it.

You're like the sponsorships are going to disappear. They're just going to evaporate. There goes my Walmart sponsorship. She's encouraging her listeners to shoplift. No, I'm saying have fun. Your show, Nightgowns, how did that come about? I've seen clips online from it. And truly, it's just like visually stunning so like i don't understand

how it comes up in your brain and then how you execute it oh thank you it was just like a you know it was a bar show and i wanted it i wanted the lighting to be good because that's like gives me joy to like have a beautiful you know know, when the pictures after look flattering, it makes me feel a little bit better. So I would go into the bar in the afternoons and like literally rearrange the lights myself because they were always set too low for the drag queens. It's like, let's get up on a ladder and like moved it up. And then when we moved to a larger space, I started learning how to program some of the lights with a professional i just voiced my loud opinions about like okay then we need everything to be red and then everything goes talk to like drag performers

and we all are this crazy as you know i'm sure i don't know if it's crazy. I think it's, I don't know. I find creative people to be, I don't know, like interesting. Like I'd rather say interesting than crazy. You know what I mean? Everyone has like their own little quirks. I feel like we're very multimedia, especially in like queer spaces in particular. Like you don't put your hands in just one section of the performance. You want to like, you want to have a say in lots of it.

The promotion, the music. It's like everyone's a DJ and a drag queen. I'm a lighting designer and a drag queen. I love it. I mean, I think it's so incredible. I think there's something to like wanting ownership over something that you're doing. Because, you know, if you have your little fingies and everything, then like, you can really say like, I did this. And I think there's power to that. Yeah, I feel like that's the tradition. It would be bad to just have someone else do it and take credit for it. You gotta, like, get your hands dirty.

Yeah, get your little fingers dirty. That's right. Where did your, like, drag aesthetic come from? Bald and then the brows. I love it. It's unique. Where did it come from? There's been moments where it's been pretty heinous looking, so I appreciate that.

I love your compliments. God, where did it come from? There's been moments where it's been pretty heinous looking, so I appreciate that. Compliments. God, where did it come from? I was just trying different things. I feel like everyone needs something distinctive in their drag makeup, like a little signature flourish. And mine was inspired by my real eyebrows. I always had super bushy brows. I went to go get my hair cut as a teenager and the woman insisted on waxing my unibrow.

She didn't even give me a say. She was like, I'm going to do this for free because you need it that badly. So I mean, I still shave it. But then I started shaving my eyebrows off and drawing it back on super bushy. But I kind of felt like I have a big face. I need some big eyebrows to go along with it.

I feel this. I have like big features. So when I, I mean, I don't do drag, but I call it my drag. I wear a lot of makeup. I'm contoured all the time. I try to look like a doll. That's like my aesthetic like big big lashes and then big lips and then rosy cheeks i love that i mean dolls are like the first little

drag queens we get to dress up as kids barbie is a drag queen she totally is those costume changes yeah and i think her like actual real life measurements make her like seven feet tall or something. That's a drag queen. Yeah. There's no way she's not like cinched and padded if that were a real person. Okay. No, I was going to take a break now. I guess we could take a break. Let's take a break. Boop, boop. We're back. Okay. So, you met Johnny how many years ago? Okay. I met Johnny 11 years ago.

Okay. And then before Johnny, were you in relationships? Were you single? What were you doing I never really enjoyed being single I am just like a love queen I fall in love really intensely I will like stalk someone I start dating and imagine our life together draw pictures uh watch all their videos online go to their facebook page etc so i'm just that girl i mean aren't we all whenever i start dating someone i immediately i'm like who do they date before me i have to find out to see if i look better or worse than them and i don't know why i do it but i will always find them and then i will show other people and be like do i look better or worse than them. And I don't know why I do it, but I will always find them. And then I will show other people and be like, do I look better or worse than their ex?

You always look better, I'm sure. Sometimes. There's been times where I'm like, oh no, she's beautiful. But I get you. I love, I love not, I guess I'll say it, stalking. I love like looking at pictures and then being like, oh my, yes, research. And then like, just like sitting in my room being like, okay, so like, after we go on a date, they're going to propose to me. We're going to get married. We're going to have children, even though I don't want children. I don't want to get married, but I do the full fantasy. I'm right there with you.

Yeah, no children, no marriage. Yeah. Fuck that. I don't. I really just don't want kids. When did you decide that you didn't want kids? Well, I just never imagined getting to a place where I can afford children. They're expensive.

They are very expensive. And my life is still too unstable. And this age i'm like i don't know if i'll have the energy later on i agree i wake up i woke up today and i was like my back hurts and my knees hurt like how would i chase a child around yeah um i keep watching these i don't know if i've talked about it on the podcast but i keep watching these videos of children spilling things and i'm like that can't be me i cannot clean up after this little idiot who lives in my home for free like i can't do it yeah teach them to if they can't clean up after themselves they'll just live in filth yeah and that's what happened my children

would just be dirty little monsters because i absolutely wouldn't clean up after them i don't want it they'd be like really really clean of their own accord actually they're like please mom let me stay i'll think about myself they'll deal with it in therapy later on yeah that's another thing i don't want to fuck up a kid and then I have to go to therapy later and be like, my mom was a nightmare. Oh, my God. After Drag Race, did people send you, like, nasty DMs? Like, did people hit on you in person? Oh, like, nasty like that in a sexy way?

Yeah. Um, no. No. You know? Yeah. Um, no. You know? And this, thank you for asking me that because I feel like my goal for this year is for Sasha Velour to become sexier.

Like, she has been sexy to me. Like, it's a workout to do drag. I feel, like, strong and empowered putting on the heels and painting my entire, like, upper body. on the heels and painting my entire like upper body but people are like see her as like grandmother as mother as like as an avenging like goddess i don't know they're frightened um and i want them to hit on her more okay i think that's great i, you heard it. There's a call to action. Hit on Sasha Velour a little bit. I think it's good as I get older to be a sexier drag queen.

I love that you refer to yourself as older. I think you're younger than me. I think you're young. I think we're the same age. Uh-uh. I actually, okay, I'm... I was born in 86, so I think i'm 36 that sounds right 37 or 42 or 97 i don't know a fantastic looking 97 i'm born in 87 oh 87 right there oh yeah so you're you're younger than me but you're like i'm so old the kids doing drag

more than ever are like in their early 20s now i'm i'm shocked that didn't used to be the case someone's like i was born in 2000 i was like oh what that makes them oh my god 23 if you were born in 2000 oh now i feel very old we've earned that feeling no um i was in atlanta last week and i went to this clothing store and it was like this vintage shop and they had a bunch of fabulous like uh sweatshirts that were all so dumb like one of them was just a bunch of bears and it said no place better than with family and then um a sweatshirt that were all so dumb. One of them was just a bunch of bears and it said, no place better than with family. And then a sweatshirt with birds that said, flight school. So I was like, oh my god, I have to get all these dumb

sweatshirts. And as I was checking out the girl was like, you're so familiar to me. And I was like, oh, people say that all the time. And she's like, oh, I know you. You're from Girl Code. I watched that growing up in middle school. And I was like, middle school? I was a full adult. It just made me feel so old. I was like, people have to stop saying how old they were when they started watching my shit.

Yeah, that's not information we ever want to hear. No. Okay. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? Tell me about it. I am an only child or do you have siblings tell me about it i am an only child what's it like growing up with wait who'd you play with i guess friends myself i have a sister so i was like oh i play with that dumb bitch all the time is your sister older or younger she's a year and a half older than me. Okay. Oh, that's good. Like close enough, but not in the same class. Yeah.

It's so funny because she was older than me, but she was known as Nicole's sister because I was just louder. Legendary. Disruptive. Just like so loud all the time. I can't help it. Wait, where did you grow up? I was born in California and then my parents moved to Connecticut and then they moved to Illinois. So I've lived on all the coasts and in between. But I consider I grew up in central Illinois. Oh, okay. Near Chicago?

Not near Chicago? Not really near Chicago. Three hours is near when it's in Illinois. Okay, three hours. So not near at all. No day trips. I had a gorgeous cornfield to play by myself. My sister went to school in southern Illinois. And yeah, there was only cornfields it was so nuts i was like we're leaving her here why did she like i just didn't understand why

she wanted to do that when i first saw children of the corn i was like this is exactly what it looks like frightening i don't think i've ever seen Children of the Corn. I think it has a good like, it's great for anyone considering or not considering having children. Oh, how funny. Is it like demon children? Oh, hell yes. It's like all the children are demons. I mean, that is a good reason to not have kids because they're always the ones who are getting haunted first.

It's true. Their little minds are mysteries. What did I watch? It was The Conjuring or something where this child was haunted and then her mother just had to be like, I love her, help her. And I was like, uh-uh. No, return to sender. You've got to get out of here if you're haunted. Oh my God.

I don't think I could do that. I just don't think so. So, wait. You have a book coming out? No. It's out. It's out. It just came out as of this podcast airing.

So, what is it like writing a book? For me, really hard and there was barely any words oh wait let me see this cover okay pink and stunning i love it and it's called the big reveal and when you take the jacket cover off she like gets more revealed like her coat and hat come off so it's like as you open it well i don't have a mock-up of that. This is a photocopied book. Oh, okay, just kidding. Just kidding. In reality.

Okay, so was it hard to write this book? Or were you like, easy? I thought it was going to be okay, but it was so hard. There's pictures, the pictures were easier. I liked those.

But putting the words together was, I felt like a lot of pressure. Because as I was writing this, the anti-drag backlash started being louder and louder and louder. And I was like, at first, I just wanted to write, you know, it was always going to be like a memoir meets a history of drag. And like an argument for why drag matters in the world and why we need it. But then I kind of felt like it needed to speak to the misunderstandings and fears about drag and not just with like bold statements, but with the facts,

with stories from the past and from people who faced this discrimination before. Because people keep thinking that drag is going to corrupt society, which sounds exciting, but actually is kind of a scary thing to have to hear about what you do. Yeah, I mean, the whole backlash on drag recently it feels weird it feels very strange because um I mean me personally I'm like I love drag I think it's fun I think exploring your sexuality or your gender or whatever is very interesting and and you only have one life so why not but like I just don't get how it's like harmful like I just I don't get the whole like, it's a what is it? It's like, they say it's'm like what what's it i don't know i don't even know how to articulate because i think it's so insane it doesn't make sense to me and

then like drag story time i'm like how is that different than like going to disney and seeing a character you know speak to you or take a picture with you i'm like it's honestly harmless i don't know it's just it's so strange you grew up in in new jersey like new york area is that right did you have drag queens that you saw as a little kid um i don't think so yeah there were like it was like rupaul on tv i remember seeing yeah that was my first introduction. And like talk shows and stuff like Ricky Lake or whatever. So like I saw that stuff but like it

didn't make enough of an imprint in my brain. Do you know what I mean? Like it wasn't a huge deal. My mother didn't make me change the channel. It was just fine. Right. Yeah. It's just so strange to me. I had never like seen a drag queen in person, just on TV, until I was, I guess, in college. I don't even remember the first drag queen I saw.

But immediately I was into it. And I feel like the kids who want to go see a drag performer, there's got to be a good reason. There's something inside them that resonates yeah i'm trying to remember my first uh drag queen sighting um i had been living in new york for a little bit and there's a bar called barracuda that we would go to and we went i think bob the drag queen was performing that night and peppermint and i think that might've been my first interaction with drag queens. And in person I was like, Oh my God,

they're like me. They wear so much makeup and they're big and the hair. Like I just really gravitated towards it. And I just, I just liked it. It's like the same reason why I love Dahlia Parton. Like, yeah,

she sings, but like the looks, I love the big titties. I love the big hair. I love all the makeup. I love that. It's like the same reason why I love Dahlia Parton. Like, yeah, she sings, but like the looks, I love the big titties. I love the big hair. I love all the makeup. I love that. She's like, it's very expensive to look this cheap.

Like, I just, I love things like that. She's just having fun with how she works instead of being afraid. Some people are like, Oh, I need to not look too exciting. Cause that'll,

you know, offend people. There was like, so, okay. I have like a little white jeep and i was like i want to put leopard print seat covers on it and for whatever reason i was like that's too much i couldn't possibly and then i bought them and they bring me so much joy and i was like i don't know why i was worried it's my car i. I'm just, I'm in it. Who fucking cares what anybody thinks? But yeah, I guess people are just afraid to be different or to be looked at. I don't know. Thank you for that push. I'm like debating whether to get, I just got a new car because mine broke down and I'm debating whether I need like a steering wheel cover.

Do it. Like a rhinestone, pink rhinestone. Absolutely do it. Every time i get in my car i laugh because i have all it's covered in leopard print oh that's fantastic and i just like when i see it sitting outside i just laugh because i'm like it's so ridiculous but it makes me so happy wait what kind of car did you get? Oh, it's like another mom car, like a Nissan little SUV. Nothing glamorous. The white Jeep is so gay of you.

I know. We all dreamed of having a sexy Jeep. I literally got it because of Cher Horowitz in Clueless. I got a two-door white Jeep in the middle of the pandemic. Because I was like, I mean, if we're all going to die, I'm going to die in a fun Jeep. That's hot. Yeah. I love it so much.

I leased it. Yes, I did. Because you can't buy a Jeep. They're not the best cars. No. They charge a lot for those gorgeous. They sure do. They're so expensive.

But my lease wasn't bad because I found this thing in the paper that was like, no money down, 300 a month. And I was like, no money. Okay. I marched right in. They're like, where'd you get that from? And I was like, I don't know. I found it. And then they had to honor it.

I love when they're like, why did we ever offer that? Uh-huh. Because they're like, nobody will find it. And I was like, I did. Sorry about it okay you went to vassar i did i went to vassar and poughkeepsie new york is that an ivy league no it's like a sister it's one of the seven sisters where they prep ideal wives for ivy league students wait really because it started it was an all-girls

school until the i think the late 60s early 70s oh how fun known for like hoop skirts and like nice manners supposedly you had to wear white gloves and pearls to go to tea time and jane fonda went there and the story is she like went in only white pearls and white gloves like completely naked she's like well you said that's the rule I love that so much

I love people who are just naked just naked there's an old actress named Tula Bankhead who famously would just answer her door naked and i love that oh that's so glamorous i love it so much it's so funny to me just to be like hello and it's like oh no wow i went to go pick up i thought one of my friends had arrived yesterday and i was in half drag like topless and we were filming something i was like let me go get the door and it was someone delivering like tonic water that i had ordered and he was terrified so the

equivalent of answering the door naked is answering in half drag half drag and they're like oh my god what is this what is happening let me get away from here as quickly as possible that is so funny. Okay. So you appeared on The Bold Type and Broad City in 2019. Do you think you want to act more? I would love to act more. I don't want to play myself again. I mean, it was okay.

I'll do whatever. Whatever they want me to do, I will do. I want to play like a villain or... Ooh, I see that. Like an evil, mean queen queen you know something something supernatural i see that i like it i auditioned for the hellraiser remake and i was like dying for that role of pinhead oh my god that i absolutely see that would have been fabulous. I'll release my tapes at some point.

It was probably too scary. It's like, you want to suffer. I want to see that. I don't know if I could be in a horror movie. I get scared so easily. Really? You've never done anything horror related? No.

No, never. Just comedy, really. I get scared sometimes when someone walks too close to me. I'm like, oh my God, where did you come from? You need that in a horror movie. Those reactions. That's what tells the audience at home to be scared. Oh, all right.

Maybe I could be in a horror movie just screaming all the time. That's the biggest reaction for me when i watch someone else screams i scream i went and saw smile have you seen smile i haven't was it good it's really i really liked it um there should have been a trigger warning for some of the stuff that happens in it but i liked it and it was like my first no not the first movie i saw back from the pandemic but like one of them and there were some parts where i just kept going oh no no no no because i was like don't go in there like i was just like oh my god uh i can't stop talking to the screen i was so scared and there's like so many jump scares but i do like i like

horror but i i get scared so much i get scared like in my house sometimes i live in an old house and for a while i could not walk pat we haven't like fixed anything up so everything's kind of like creaky and old and i like that that's like kind kind of matches my aesthetic and all our furniture and tchotchkes. But there's like this door to the basement that has a glass

panel and it was broken when we moved in so there's like a cracked glass to the basement and I can always I always swear

I can like see something lurking down there in the darkness. Oh my god. So I have to like walk really quickly through the hallway. Slowly my God. So I have to like walk really quickly through the hallway.

Slowly I'm working on that. That's so funny because I think that's a universal thing. Whenever there's something spooky in your house, you just walk very quickly past it and just kind of ignore it. You're like, no, I'm not entertaining that today. Is there a haunted place where you live? My old apartment was haunted. Like the cupboard doors, the cabinet doors in the kitchen would just be open sometimes.

And me and my old roommate, John Millheiser, one day were being very, very funny. And we heard clapping from like literally inside the apartment. It was not outside. It was in the apartment. And we were like, is there there's a ghost in here? We were like, and I guess we're really funny. It was in the apartment. And we were like, there's a ghost in here. And we were like, and I guess we're really funny and the ghost likes it. Yes, the ghost is a fan. So we're like, I guess we'll just keep being funny.

Oh, my God. Do you still draw? Yeah. In fact, my book, The Big Reveal and Illustrated Math Festival of Drag, features a comic section. Oh. Like a little comic book breakdown about, you know, the life behind the scenes that's hard to put into words, but it was easy to draw and dramatize. That's fun. I like that. I wish I could draw better. Like, I'm okay but uh i'm not good at details

and uh i feel like drawing is a little tedious for me so i can do like you know a sketch but i can't refine yeah what what do you sketch people eyes i like drawing eyes i like drawing noses and i love lips but um i can never get their heads right the shape of the head around all of it and then hair i can't do hair i prefer like a bad drawing if i'm honest like i'm not really i'm not very like technically good at drawing but that's why i like comic books because i feel like you can it tolerates a variety of styles but i like i'll just draw like a oval and then fill in the eyes and the mouth i don't even like drawing noses i like drawing my nose specifically because uh i think i have a very cute button nose and i was

so very self-conscious about it up until i don't know I guess I was like 18 or 19 I was like whatever it's the nose I have um so yeah I like drawing little button noses cute like just like the little tip of the nose it's like a little circle yeah because I don't have like a bridge or anything like my glasses always just fall down I have that too but then like pushing your glasses up is the iconic it's very cute you're like I'm a thinker I'm a reader um what like do you like other comics like are you a marvel girl or a dc girl like kind of I like don't keep up with I couldn't I tried to and then i could not keep up with all the storylines and worlds and characters i was like i liked like i loved doom patrol i think that's i don't know

doom patrol it's like the end um and then another favorite was the invisibles like kind of like weird night i loved watchmen did you okay like kind of the philosophy like weird 80s 90s shit nothing is not predictable so you like a a comic book that makes you think yeah yeah exactly i find comic books hard to read because they're little boxes and then there's little words and then i get distracted by something down here and then i'm like wait what then i have to go back you just gotta give me a book a book i feel like that's even harder i'm like where was i on the page my mind starts wandering i need the images to help me remember fair no the pictures just they get in my way when i was learning how to make comics supposedly like it's very normal for people to look at the whole page and like skip ahead so when you plan like all the elements on one page you're supposed to

like kind of do it on purpose that when they turn the page everything they're seeing is on purpose so i try to i try to think about that interesting like i know people are going to read it backwards i guess i was read it backwards well you know out of order oh i was like fuck i'm supposed to be reading them backwards that's why i'm not fucking getting them i do sometimes like flip through and look at the pictures and then go back and read the words if i like what i saw if i like what i saw all right i guess i could read this i like those pictures um okay sasha we have to take another break.

Yeah. We're back. Okay, Sasha, I am a single woman, and you've been in a relationship for 11 years. So how do I do that? How do I get into a relationship for 11 years? Wait, are do that how do i get into a relationship for 11 wait are you a single woman i'm a single woman i thought you were dating someone no so okay i posted that i was dating one of my dear friends dan black um because new year's eve

he had posted like a carousel of pictures that was like my 2022. And one of them was a picture of us kissing from an improv show. So I was drunk and I was like, ha ha ha, what if I post to my boyfriend? So then I posted it. And then the next day, a lot of people liked it. And they were really excited and happy for me.

And then I said, oh no. I forgot how many people are invested in this. And then I said, oh, no. I forgot how many people are invested in this. And then one lady, so I had him on the podcast, and I did say that I forgot how many people were invested. And a lady commented, she was like, you've had a podcast about it for five years. How did you forget? And I was like, because I detach myself from it. Like, I talk about love and relationships, but my life i'm just nicole so i am not in a relationship i am single i'm devastated as well i'm sorry but i mean one day i don't know how how do i do it i'm not one of those like you have to not be looking to find a relationship people i'm like

you should always have the mindset of looking for love okay i don't know i feel like there's there's no secret really if you're determined are you do you feel like you really want to be in a relationship i would i think the idea of coming home to somebody is really nice and somebody who like wants to listen to a mundane very boring story that i think is like you know like you go out into the world and then you're like i can't believe someone looked at me like that. To like go home to someone and be like, this lady looked at me funny. And have them be like, wow, and then what? Like that. Sounds really wonderful to me. Yeah, you know, that is really wonderful. I appreciate my boyfriend's mundane stories way more now. That's part of the great exchange of being in a relationship.

It is. You get to tell someone who loves you the most boring shit and they go, tell me more because I love you. Or you drag them to a thing

that they don't want to do but they'll do it because they love you. Like, that sounds so nice. Yeah. You know, it's a lot of work. It's not just about dragging someone places. It's work. No, it's a lot of work. It's not just about dragging someone places.

It's work. No, it is. The work is trying to convince them to go with you after 11 years. After 11 years, is it like, do you have like a shorthand or do you have to like still discuss everything? We have to discuss everything.

I like, I like dating people who are i've always been with people who are like very different like emotionally like maybe don't like talking about emotions and i love when people share their entire emotional life with me so like those things don't change overnight. So I feel like it's always a negotiation. That's part of the fun. I'm also like, I grew up in a very Jewish family that loved to argue. So I get like a thrill out of disagreeing about something

and really hashing it out. That's love to me. Arguing is love. i mean i yeah whenever i see like couples arguing about like a very trivial thing but like in a nice way i'm like oh that's sweet um i went on vacation in the bahamas and i watched this man scream at his wife. And I was like, mm-mm, couldn't be me. That's not cute. You don't scream at me ever. Public, private, not like that. I was like, y'all need to rethink some things.

I want it to be, like, fun where you're, like, flirting and arguing at the same time. That's hot to me. Have you ever seen My Cousin Vinny? Yes. The scene where he was like, did you fix the leak and she's like i did fix the leak and he's like how can you be sure and they're like arguing over this like leak but it's like kind of like foreplay i was like oh boy that's what i want is that new jersey culture my cousin vinny um i think they're from staten island okay there you go thank you which is new jersey

well when i like in school everybody in school was like from staten island or long island or brooklyn or whatever and then they're like families move to the suburbs of new jersey right the dream do you do you live in new york i live in brooklyn so yes nice i was almost like where in brooklyn don't tell the people don't tell them at the corner okay there is a fabulous ice cream place in brooklyn called the social you should go there if you like ice cream i love ice cream i've I've never been. It is so good. Okay, it's by the people. So my old favorite ice cream place was Ample Hills Creamery.

Love them. Also a location in Brooklyn. But they have since closed down. And the people who created Ample Hills have a new place called The Social. So don't give me money for promoting. It's just out of the love of ice cream. I love their ice cream so fucking much. So if you have a chance, you should go.

I didn't even know Ample Hills had closed down. This is too much to deal with. I know. Well, here's what happened. They expanded too fast, and then they couldn't keep up with the demand. And then I don't know what else happened. But there's a whole article about their demise,

which is interesting. Okay, I'm going to check it out. But yeah, I used to buy their stuff in the grocery store. I wondered where it went. article about their demise which is interesting okay i'm going to check it out but yeah i used to buy their stuff in the grocery store i wondered where it went that's why yeah it went away but the social i think is better than ample hill okay i'm gonna check it out what's your ice cream flavor also have donuts okay ooey gooey what is that it's ooey gooey butter cake. And it's like, so, okay. It's a very dense cake that's like really, really moist. It's like a very dense sweet pound cake that they put in this ice cream that's similar.

That's almost the exact same flavor. Similarly. How do you say that word? Do you know what I'm trying to say? I can't say i'm not gonna even try similarly similarly oh my god am i having a stroke it's flavored the same um and somehow they keep the cake moist and it's so delicious that sounds so good and then they have like um this peanut butter one that's really good and then they have captain of my captain which is like fruity pebbles oh my everything there is so

fabulous i love it i'm gonna check it out you should do a dessert date there you know i love a dessert date dessert and sex the dream yep i think it's wonderful. Okay. How do you like, are you good at like flirting? Like when you were single, were you good at flirting? Like, how do you do that? I don't think so. I think every time I try to flirt, I'm creepy. Oh, no. Okay.

Like eye contact. And plus I'm so out of practice now. Are you good at flirting? No no i'm not good at flirting um i never know what to say and yeah i i truly i sometimes i get overwhelmed when i think someone is flirting with me and i get too excited and then i like when i get too excited i have trouble speaking um when i was in atlanta i went and saw these like vintage Broncos that I, I love a Bronco. I love cars. And this man I was talking to, he's a very nice man.

He was not flirting with me at all, but he was just trying to have a conversation with me as he showed me these cars. And he was like, where are you from? Or no, he was like, where are you going to keep the car? And I was like, in my garage. He's like, yeah, but like, where do you live? And I was like, near my garage. He was like, what? I keep the car and i was like in my garage he's like yeah but like where do you live and i was like near my garage he was like what i was like la i live in la i like couldn't speak because i was just like overstimulated and that's what happens when i

flirt wow and picturing them naked probably doesn't help whatever the strategy is for no i whoever came up with that is literally truly the wildest person because what a dream to see all these people naked I'd be like oh my god yeah you definitely can't focus now no absolutely not I'm too happy about this I need to imagine them like in a different room watching tv yeah yeah not paying attention to me at all. That'll make me comfortable. Have you ever had stage fright? Yes, I have. I think I have pretty bad stage fright.

But I also dissociate a little bit when I step on stage. So as long as I plan what I'm going to do, it usually works out. The lights hit me and Sasha Velour takes over. I'm gone. I'm just trying to stay standing upright. But yeah, I get like sweaty palms and all that. Oh, you get sweaty palms? Yeah. I get a little bit of stage fright.

And when I don't have it, I go, oh no. I think that means I don't care about this. And then I get worried. And then usually it ends up fine. But like if I have like a little sinking feeling or I'm like a little shaky I'm like okay I think this might be a good show because I like actually really care about this do you feel stage fright filming things too or just in front of a live audience just in front of a live audience for the most part but I have done I'm trying to think

I did a very bit part in this movie with Diane Keaton and my scene was with Diane Keaton and that I had like I was so nervous I was like this woman is a living fucking legend like I can't fuck this up I was so nervous but then it ended up being a really fun scene and she was great. And I was like, okay, it just meant I cared about it and everything is okay. I love that. They say it's like connected to excitement when you're nervous because you want to be there. But still none of that works for me. I'm still just like, I'm going to be nervous.

I prepare for knowing I'm going to be really nervous. How do you prepare? No, I just like tell myself like you're going to be really freaked out. So don't don't act like it's your first time being freaked out. Don't bother other people. Okay. I have a question. What's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to you oh my gosh the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me I think just like being bought flowers like I love like uh you know right when we started dating my partner Johnny bought me a corsage

for a party that we went to together and got himself a boutonniere that matched and it was all it was all like plants that would dry out so it would like live forever

or it would, like, live forever. Was the idea. Or it would die gorgeously. Do you still have it? Yeah, I still have it. I, like, put it in a little box. That's really sweet. So I was like, that's when I knew, like, oh, I love him.

And it could work. And he, like, understood that I love, like, spiky, dead looking things. My idea of flowers. God, that's so sweet. How about you? That is romantic. What's the most romantic thing someone's done for you?

Let's see. What is the... I haven't been like swept off my feet at all i mean i've been given flowers like once it's a very good question i don't i don't know if i've been like really romanced what do you have like a love language is it gifts or affirmation? I don't know the rest. It's service. Yeah, acts of service, affirmation, time spent together. I don't know what my love language is either. Wait, what is the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me?

Well, I went on a date with somebody to Applebee's, and I asked them to wear a tuxedo. And they wore like a jacket and a tie and I wore a gown that was I thought romantic-ish on another day we went to the airport to eat at Guy Fieri's

restaurant like I bought refundable tickets and we went through TSA and everything. Oh, my gosh. Where did you get tickets to? To Washington. That was the cheapest. The cheapest.

Uh-huh. And then afterwards I called and I was like, we missed our flight. And they're like, okay, your money will be refunded. And I was like, yes. Yes. Wow. Very, very silly shit.

That's cute. So I guess someone going along with that is romantic. Yeah, I guess I really, maybe my love language is like, please do all the dumb stuff that I come up with. Ridiculousness. Yes. Okay, Sasha, we're coming towards the end. What is your advice to me in order for me to meet somebody?

Okay, advice. What are you looking for? Anyone? Okay, advice. What are you looking for? A person who is kind, nice, attractive to me, employed, has like a little bit of money to spend, is living their dream, and likes me. That sounds pretty ideal. The bare minimum also of acceptable at this point. I truly don't have lofty dreams. I'm a humble gal. I feel like they say you should go to places

where the kinds of people you'd be interested in are going. And then I feel like you have to separate from your friends so that you're like just there by yourself. You know what I mean? That's a mistake I feel like I was making in the past. It was like clinging on to the friend I came with. They need to be able to circle you. Okay. Do you make the first move sometimes?

Yes. And so historically I've been the aggressor. And I've been trying to be the aggressy. Trying to like flip it a little bit because recipient of aggression yeah but apparently men love chasing so i don't know people like i don't know it's just it's all so hard and complicated yeah it stays impossible even throughout the relationship but um i think that's good advice okay go to the places where i want to be wait say that again yeah where do they i don't know what where they hang out in la me either here's like the thing i go to like i love i love a drag show but like i i don't know if i'm gonna meet a man who wants to date a woman at a drag show

but then also you know everything's fluid so maybe i will i don't know yeah life is so hard i met i met a gay guy in a straight bar so anything's possible it is possible maybe it's perfect because then you seek each other out you're like it is possible maybe it's perfect because then you seek each other out you're like ding ding ding ding ding okay let's cling to each other in this strange space this is giving me hope okay sasha i ask all of my guests this would you date me absolutely Absolutely. Yay! I love it. I'm pretty pan-bisexual myself. Ooh, okay. Haven't acted on it in years, but it's never too late.

Well, if you ever break up with Johnny, come for me! I will. Sasha, do you have anything you want to promote? Yes I want to promote my show Nightgowns which has returned as a monthly show in New York City it's at the historic La Poisson Rouge in the village

and features a rotating cast of amazing drag artists of every variety in February we're having Meatball who I know you've worked with from Los Angeles. Meatball is one of my favorite people. Yes. And my drag sister, Neon Calypso, Serena T.

And then it's continuing on at least through the summer. And then maybe we'll try a new location or I'll go on a little vacation for a few months. But Nightgowns is back. You can check it out on YouTube as well. And then my book, The Big Reveal. Sorry. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love all of it. No, is that it? Do you have anything else? My book, I'm doing like a little US and Canada tour with some reveal performances, a little history,

and a conversation with a local drag queer legend in every city where we go. So that's coming in April and May. That sounds like fun. And where can people find those dates? Do you have a website? Everything's on my website, SashaValour.com. And what's your socials? Sasha Valour on Instagram and stuff.

Yeah, Sasha Velour. Sasha underscore Velour on Twitter because someone still hasn't given me my name. Didn't act fast enough. What is the unique name that someone was like, snatch? It's so funny that someone was like, that's my name as well. Yeah, I don't know why i waited till after drag race was announced to try to make my oh okay so someone was like i had some really convoluted early 2000s username before that it's like damn it well sasha thank you so much for doing this you're delightful what a treat thank you nicole if this. You're delightful. What a treat.

Thank you, Nicole. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, rate it, subscribe on like Apple Podcasts or whatever. And then if you write me something nasty hitting on me, Mars, my producer, reads it. She doesn't want to see your body. So just words. Okay.

My dearest Nicole, I listen to your voice so much uh you've officially entered my subconscious i had a sex dream the other night where i was your professional driver i was taking you to various dates and hookups and it was killing me to see you be with the wrong people the climax comes after dropping you off for another date and you realize your true love had been in the driver's seat all along and turn back around throw the car door open and we proceed to bang it out in a prius and fall in love don't worry they're surprisingly spacious cars that was very sweet okay bye-bye that's it for why won't you Date Me with me, Nicole Byer.

Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.