Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - A Naked Proposal and Slot Machine Secrets (w/ Jimmy Kimmel)

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

TV icon Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel Live!) joins Nicole to share the story of his naked proposal in Africa, the chaotic early days of his late-night show, and why he once prayed for it to be canceled. Kimmel talks about the best (and worst) New Year's resolutions, his tips for picking the perfect slot machines, and the surprising lessons he learned as a wedding DJ. Plus, he offers some unexpected advice on masturbation—and how taking a break might just change your life.WATCH this episode on YouTube at https://youtu.be/c7gl649E2WQWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wanna watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcaster, Meena Cole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come on a small tray, let it sit, do it several times, put it together and tell me it's a book.

My guest today is one of the most iconic faces in late night television, a comedian, a producer, a director, the host of the Emmy winning series, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and I've gotten to host it twice. It was very fun, also really hard, and I can't believe he recorded an episode of that show today and is now talking to me. I would be exhausted.

It's Jimmy Kimmel! Thank you, Nicole. Nicole, what happens, like, I know the premise of this show, but what happens if you do wind up in a serious long-term relationship? The show's then over, right? No! No?

No, no, no, no, no. Okay, why not? I love talking about love, I love hearing people's love stories, and then the reason why you won't date me is because I'm in a relationship, and I am in a relationship, and I've continued to do the show.

Oh, okay, all right. Okay, well that makes sense now. Okay, now I understand. Yeah, I just, I like hearing about it. Love is such a, I guess I'm a hopeless romantic, but also. Do you listen to a lot of love songs? Okay, here's the thing, Jimmy. I didn't realize songs had meaning

until like a couple years ago. I was. I was. And that sounds insane. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. And that's so insane. I liked that a lot. Really, what was the song that made it dawn on you? Well, there's this like disco song that I cannot remember the name of right now,

but it's about a man abusing a woman set to like funky disco music. And I was like, I love this song. Until my friend was like, listen to the lyrics. And I was like, oh my God. And then there's this other song called Pumped Up Kicks. Have you ever heard this song? Of course, of course, yeah.

I had no idea it was about a school shooting. Oh yeah. I couldn't believe, I was like, this is the most cheerful school shooting I've ever heard. It's a peppy little song, yeah. It is. It is kind of shocking when you figure out what it's about. Yeah, there were a lot of, so that was when it dawned on you

that the lyrics had, it's really something else. Listen, Jimmy, I lead an existence where I'm discovering things every single day. It's kind of great and also frightening in a lot of ways. Oh, it's very frightening. People are always like, well, you're successful and da da da, and I'm like, I happened onto it by accident. All of it is just like happy accidents.

Well, that's how I feel also. And no one believes it when you tell them that and no one believes it when they think like, oh, I was like laying awake at night planning to be a late night talk show host when I grew up. But you did do something that I think is really interesting. You got into radio first because David Letterman was in radio first, right?

And you looked at that and you're like, I'm gonna do that? That is correct. But not with the idea that I would one day have a late night talk show, because it never even occurred to me that there might be other late night talk shows besides Johnny Carson and David Letterman.

It was just that I knew Letterman started in radio and I loved him and I loved Howard Stern and I thought, and also I worked at this clothing store where a guy worked on the college radio station, another guy that worked there, he's like, you know, you're very funny, you should be on the radio. And I was like, I would love to be on the radio. And he said, well, come on in in and I did and that was it. I fucking love that

Hey, man, you're funny. Do you want to like be on the radio? You're like exactly how it happened. I was working at Miller's Outpost which we sold Levi's 501 shrink to fits and and like parachute pants and whatever Michael Jackson was wearing that year and and That's how I got into this. How old were you and that happened? I was 16 years old 16 years old. Yeah, it was the college station I was like obviously the youngest kid there, but they had me do a Sunday night talk show and They it was a half hour long and they said, you know, what we want you to do is find local characters and make fun of them.

And I said, oh, I can do that. So I got the yellow pages and I just go through the yellow pages looking for weird, like I found a guy who called himself the hairdresser to the stars and I booked him on the show and it turned out there was only one star whose hair he did and he was a daytime TV show host, John Davidson. I don't know if you remember that guy, but.

No, I'm very young. We spent a full half hour talking about John Davidson's hair. And I loved it. I'd come home and my mom had listened and my dad had listened and they were excited and it just was very exciting for me. So I kept doing it. I love that so much.

I love that your parents were like, God, I listened to Jimmy. Okay, when you were on the radio, did anybody slip, oh, I guess there were no DMs back then. No, DMs, we barely had telephones. Huh, did anyone like see you on the street and be like, you're the dude from the radio. I want you.

No, but I do remember shopping, like I was at Costco once, I was on the air in, let's see, where was I? I don't remember what city I was living in, but I was talking to my wife in line and somebody turned around and went, are you on the radio? And I said, yes, I am. She's, oh, I listen to you.

I recognize your voice. And even to this day, I get recognized, I get recognized a lot when I start to speak. Not as much when I'm not speaking. Because usually I have a hat on or I just look like a bum. People see me in person in real life, they ask me if something's wrong. In fact, I had a guy.

Are you sick? Are you okay? I had a guy about a month ago, I was at lunch with my wife and it was Friday afternoon This guy comes up to us. He's the bartender at this restaurant. He goes. Hey, man I mean, this is it's got ginger in it and Scott, you know some Club soda and like he describes all the stuff it is. He's like, it's really it'll make you it'll make you feel better And I was like, okay, thank you. And then he went back to the bar and I was like, what the, that was strange.

And then I drank it and it was indeed good. And afterwards I said, hey, will you send that guy over here? And I said, can I ask you a question? I said, did you, do you think I'm hungover? Is that what he's like, yeah, yeah. I go, no, I'm not. I haven't had a drink in like three weeks. He goes, well, he goes, and I told him this was very funny.

He goes, well, you look terrible. I can't imagine saying to a stranger, you look terrible. Well, he picked the right guy to say it to because I couldn't stop laughing. God, that's so funny to just like make assumptions. Oh man, this guy is hung over. Let me help him out. He doesn't look good.

His eyes are definitely, there's something wrong there. I have a question. This is a wild question. Okay, have you been to Disney? Many times, yes. When you do Disney, do you use the Plaid services? I just learned about this. Oh yes, I do.

I didn't know they were called the Plaid services. Maybe it's not, but it was a lady in Plaid. So I just, I put two and two together and was like, it's the Plaid service. It's a great, it's actually a great name. Yes, I do, cause I work for Disney. You know, I work for ABC, which is owned by Disney. So when we go, also like, you just can't go to Disney

with your family when people recognize you because you will spend no time with your family, unless you wanna just shove people that you won't go by. So yes, I do use that and it's the greatest thing ever and I highly recommend it. I just did it and it's the most incredible thing in the whole wide world. You just walk onto rides.

I couldn't believe. It's embarrassing, but it's worth it. Yeah, it's just, you sneak around. I couldn't believe, and they let you ride them twice sometimes. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, you ride them twice. I never wanna be poor again. This is great.

It's great, my children are ruined. I mean, they have no idea what the real world is like. They don't know what it's like to sit in the back row at a basketball game. And I wrestle with it because, you know, but I mean life is, it's all downhill after this, right? After, unless dad is around, things are not gonna be great.

So we are trying to figure that out and I feel like we're failing. I mean, I don't know. I feel like your family should have a nice time because you're having a nice time. That would be insane if you did the Plaid services and you're like, all right children, wait online. Oh yeah, that might be, you know what?

That might be the best way to do it. No! I have heard about celebrities, I've never done this myself, but I have heard about famous people who are in first class and then their kids are in coach. And that seems, that's a big move right there. That is such a big move.

It's like you're gonna learn about these tiny little seats. No, thank you. No, if I have kids, I'm like, they get to live a nice life. I think. Yeah, well you have to be, you all have to be together. Either everyone has to be in coach or everyone has to be in first class. It's one or the other.

I think so. Jimmy, you have four kids or three? Four, unless you've heard something. No, I haven't. I was just trying to remember because my assistant does a little bit of research and I was reading it and I was like trying to retain. I have a 33 year old daughter, a 31 year old son,

a 10 year old daughter and a seven year old son. Oh my God, you were finished and then you said, better start back up again. That is right, I was in the clear. Wait, what is that like having adult children and then kid kids? What is that like? I don't know, because I don't have kids. Well, it's nice actually because they have a nice relationship

with each other, the older kids and the younger kids. So that's an extra relative that most kids don't have, right, to have like, and my kids, my younger kids, idolize my older kids and my older kids love my younger kids so it works out really nicely. I love that so much. Yeah, it's very cute. Okay, I've got another question.

When did you start doing standup? How old were you? I've never done standup in my life. Wait, you've never done standup? No, I was a radio disc jockey. So that wasn't, that world, that doesn't work with a job that starts at 5.30 in the morning. Makes sense, cause that's all at night.

I truly thought you had done standup just a little. No, in fact, the only standup I've ever done is really on the show. I started doing standup on the show. When I started the show, I didn't stand up and do a monologue. I would hide behind my desk at the beginning of the show. I did it more, it was more like a daytime talk show.

And it was about two years in when I started standing up and delivering a monologue. And it's funny, you look at it, you see, I'm rocking back and forth, I'm nervous, I'm unprofessional in almost every way. I'm not confident at all. But the first time it did stand up and do it, I knew, oh yeah, this is the way I should have been doing it

the whole time. That is such a backwards way to get into it because I mean, to me, the monologues are standup. So how did you figure out how you wanted to tell jokes? Yeah, how did you figure that out? Because it's truly a backwards way of doing it. It is a strange way of doing it. And the radio is in some ways harder

and some ways easier, it's different. On the radio, first of all, you have to be comfortable with silence. Silence is okay on there. You don't have to fill every moment with your voice. But on television, you can't just kind of hang there and be quiet, you know, it just doesn't play. And there are little tricks that I've learned

over the years and they're boring to go through, but it was really, I would say trial and error, but primarily error and a lot of painful watching of myself, which I no longer do, but I would highly recommend to anybody who hosts a podcast or who does a television show is terrible to watch yourself.

And by the way, if you're one of those people who loves watching yourself, you probably got a different set of problems. But to watch and to learn from your failures is the best thing you can do. And I was fortunate enough to be able to be just good enough to stay on the air for long enough to get pretty good at it. God, that's fun. I like that. I think that's good advice for anybody really.

It's like, if you're not sure what you're doing, watch yourself. Like I used to do like monologues into the mirror to be like, what are my eyebrows doing? And I'm like, a lot. That's funny. I called my daughter this morning, she's 10. I caught her in the in the mirror and I go I said she was brushing her teeth, but I could see she was like talking to us a little mirror

I said what are you doing? She goes oh You know my friend is a really good singer and But she doesn't think she is and she was practicing a line that she was going to use on her friend to tell her she was a good singer. There's some song called like, Pulpino or something, which is apparently a terrible song. And she was practicing saying, are you kidding me? You even sound good when you sing Pulpino.

In the mirror this morning. That's so cute. Oh, she's such a nice person. I'm usually practicing, I'm like, how do I tell this person they fucking made me mad? And she's just like, I just want my friend to be confident. I love that so much. Do you do that, Nicole?

Do you rehearse things you might say to people given some situation you might wind up in? Yes, absolutely. I feel like I'm always prepared for anything. Same, but then when it goes down, you're like, well, I didn't rehearse you saying that. I did not rehearse that I actually hurt your feelings. That's really interesting, let's take that in.

Jimmy, when did you start dating? Were you young or old? Oh, I'm still dating. Just don't mention it to my wife. Ha ha ha ha. When I was, no, I honestly have never dated. I've been on like three dates in my whole life. Wait, really?

I've gone from one long-term relationship to another. I married my first girlfriend when I was in college. I was 20 years old. We were married technically for 15 years. We were together for 13. And then I dated Sarah Silverman for eight years and then started dating my current wife, Molly. So I don't have, I'm not sure how to date

or what people do on those things. I don't wish I had at all. I don't have that in me. I don't know how people break up with each other. I feel like I just have an ulcer all the time, worrying about breaking up with somebody. Well, I mean, those are such long relationships. So how did you do that?

What's the secret to getting into them? I think the secret is, well, when I got married the first time, I was just like, oh my God, I've got a girlfriend. I'm not sure if this is ever gonna happen again. We should probably get married, even though we're too young to get married. But I think knowing the person and liking the person

before dating the person is the way to go. Okay, so you're like, you're all about being friends. Most people can't do that, I mean, it's not, you know. But I think you have to have that friendship in order to have a long-term relationship. And I think that with friends, I mean, sometimes you don't know if you want to date somebody when you first meet them, but you do have a pretty good idea

if you want to be their friend. And for me, I think it's getting to know those women before I engaged in a relationship with them. I think that's good advice. Getting to know you. or I engaged in a relationship with them. I think that's good advice. Getting to know you. Getting to know you. I once dated a man where it wasn't going well

and I was talking to a friend about it and she was like, would you be friends with this man if you weren't dating? And I was like, no. And she was like, Nicole, I think that's your answer. Like, I don't think you're compatible. Like, you don't like him on a friendship level, so why would you want more than a friendship with him?

And I was like, man, that's good advice, but I'ma stay, I'ma stay, I'ma stay until it really fizzles out. Ha ha ha ha ha. Did you, yeah. You know, that seems like, doesn't it seem now so obvious to you? Yes. But I think the chemicals in our brains

are bewitching in many ways, and we want to convince ourselves that, oh yeah, we'll get to like each other. You know, and it's really just a physical attraction. And I'm a real people pleaser. Also, for me, no one is physically attracted to me, so I really have to. Oh, Jenny. I'm not just saying that so that you will be nice

and try to convince me otherwise, but the reality is I know that the hook for me is gonna be I'm gonna have to get in there and I'm gonna have to let you know that this is gonna be fun. This is gonna be, there are gonna be a lot of laughs. Maybe sometimes too many laughs. Maybe laughs in times where laughs are not welcomed.

But that is gonna be the, I'm gonna have to, it's gonna be a slow burn. I'm not walking into a bar and no one's handing me their phone number. You know what I'm saying? No, they're handing you cocktails to be like, you gotta chase the dragon or whatever that phrase is. What's it, chasing?

No, yeah, chase the dragon I think is a drug thing, isn't it? Oh. Yeah, I think chasing the dragon, yeah, don't do that, Nicole. If somebody says you wanna chase the dragon, just go home. Sipping the dog, what's it called when you're chasing the dragon. Yeah, don't do that Nicole. Oh, if somebody says you want to chase the dragon Just go home sipping the dog. What's it called when you're like hungover? Of the hair of the dog hair a little bit of alcohol the next morning. Yeah sip of the dog

Just flip the dog over and take a sip just take a big Guzzle from the dog boy dog girl dog, girl, dog, doesn't matter. You can find something there. Doesn't matter, flip it over and have a nice time. So Jimmy, you work with your wife. Is that hard? No, it's not hard. Actually, it's great.

It's kind of easy. It's easier for me than it is for her because I get the final say on everything. So. No. But having the same schedule is great. And having those shared experiences I think is great. And just being on vacation at the same time

is really great. I mean that would be a mess if the precious weeks that we have off that they didn't coincide with each other. So that would not be great. But we seem to make it work. I like that. I sometimes, I'm like, I don't know if I could date somebody

or be in a relationship with somebody and work with somebody, but I'm also easy breezy, so I do think it would just be a nice, fun time to spend my work hours with that person and be like, oh, we get to go home and talk about what happened at work. You have the same gossip. That's fun. That's really fun. You know what? That is the best thing.

That is the best part of it. You know, every character is a shorthand with everybody. You don't have to even explain anything. I can just hold up my phone to her for a second and she'll know what she's reading. I'm on board now. Because then you just like throw looks and be like, can you believe this idiot?

It works out great as long as you are still dating. If you break up and then you have to work at the same place, probably not the best situation. Unless you end on good terms. Yeah, right, right, right. Then that's fun. Almost never happens, right? Wait, real quick, we have to take a break.

And we're back. Jimmy, what's the most romantic thing you've ever done? Oh, well, I'm just full of romance. Let's see. Well, my wife would tell you the most romantic thing I've ever done is on our first kind of romance, let's see. Well, my wife would tell you the most romantic thing I've ever done is on our first like kind of date, I guess is what it was. We'd been hanging out for a long time

before we started dating. And actually we knew each other for years before we started dating and she was dating someone, I was dating someone at the time. And I never even, I don't have thoughts like that. When I'm in a relationship, I'm pretty, just don't entertain the thought of dating other people. But I had, as we were both not dating people,

I don't know, we had a conversation about like your five favorite things to eat. I think we had it at the writer's table or something. And I took note of her favorite items and then she came over to my house and I made her all five of those items. Oh. So that was the most romantic thing I ever did.

That's so sweet. What were they? Do you remember? Yeah, they were gnocchi, they were cheeseburger. Ooh. They were, let's see what else one. I don't remember the other three. I could remember them, but it would take more time than anybody wants to hear.

But that's fun, gnocchi and a hamburger or a cheeseburger? It wasn't a great, like they weren't, it was like the menu at the Cheesecake Factory, you know? It was like there were a million different things and none of them quite matched up, but the thought really, it was appreciated. No, I would appreciate it. I just appreciate when someone remembers something I said

from like a couple days ago, I was like, oh my God, you were listening to me? Do you think that's because you don't listen to them or you just don't think they're listening to you? I think I'm talking so much, I love yapping, that I feel like sometimes people are like nodding their head and being like, oh, we'll just let Nicole talk.

And then sometimes I'm like, oh my God, you remember, that's so nice. And then when people don't remember, I'm like, don't you remember in this barrage of things I was saying at you, I said this one specific thing. Saying at you. God, so that was like one of your first dates

where you made that for her? Yeah, that was our first date, really, yeah. That's so nice. How did you propose? That was it for the romance. That was where it began and ended. That's a wrap. You're never gonna get anything else from me.

I proposed in Africa. On a safari, actually. Yes. Oh my God. It was really, it was a mix of romance and ridiculous. There was, first of all, my wife decided it would be funny to bring a big rubber snake in her luggage because she knew I was on full alert when it comes to animals and

then they told us like, you know, don't leave your windows open or you got to lock your doors. You can't, because the monkeys will come in and they'll go through your mini bar and they'll go crazy and you can't, you gotta roll up your windows in the rental car and you can't and like all this crazy stuff. And so now I'm in, I'm like, I should bring a bat. I should bring a baseball bat to Africa. She's like, you are not bringing a baseball bat to Africa. So she brings a big rubber snake

and curls it up in like the bathroom and it just puts it on the floor because she knows I'll just go through the roof. But what happened was something quite different, and I even surprised myself. I spotted this giant snake, and I basically like, I pushed her away from the snake. I'm like, get away, get away, get away.

There's a snake in there. And then she was laughing, and I couldn't understand why this would be funny. I'm like, there is a snake in the bathroom, get away from the thing. And then I realized that she was just messing with me. That's... That's really funny. That's what heroes are made of, Nicole.

Well, I like that you were like, get away, there is a snake. I would have screamed and probably ran away and not have said there was a snake putting whoever I was with at risk. Yes, yes. I don't know. That's not good. I also, one time there was an earthquake. It was, we're in bed.

It was like four o'clock in the morning and the earth started shaking and I jumped on top of her. I covered her with my body and I got a lot of credit for that also. Wow. Yeah. You're a hero. Yeah, yeah.

I was probably also trying to get some sex, Yeah. You're a hero. Yeah, yeah. I was probably also trying to get some sex, but. You're like, oh no, is it here, the earth? What's going on? While we're here. Let's just do that. It looks fun. So wait, did you propose like in the safari,

or were you like at camp or whatever? Like was there a lion who was like, girl say yes. We trained a baboon to present the ring. It was funny because I bought the ring in LA and I know that they get these diamonds from Africa, right? So this diamond travels all the way to LA from Africa. I don't know what kind of route it goes along the way. And then I bring it back to Africa to give it to her.

And then we have to bring it back to LA again. The diamond was like, I'm home. And then it's like, oh no, I'm back in the sky. I manage to lose things. I am good at losing super important things. What I do is I convince myself that I don't even consider the possibility that I will forget where I put something because it's so important.

I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna stuff it in this pocket and of course I'll remember where it is, but I was really nervous that I was gonna lose this ring on the way to Africa. And so that was a lot of stress just getting it there and getting it onto her finger. But when I did, I proposed to her, I had some thoughts and I just mumbled through them.

I probably said 12% of what I intended to say. And I was naked also. Were you really? Yes, I was. I was naked also. Were you really? Yes, I was. I was naked. I proposed naked and I just kind of spit out a couple of words. Was there a reason as to why you were naked or you were like, I'm baring my soul and body to you?

We were just in bed and I was naked and I decided, okay, this is the time I'm gonna do it. Wait, you sleep naked? I sleep in my underwear, usually. I don't remember why I was naked. I think I was just coming out of the shower or something. I don't remember why I was naked. But I was naked, for sure.

I'm a jammy girl. Yeah, so is my wife. She like, yeah, but I don't, I'm too hot for pajamas. My son is the same way. Both of my sons actually. We all sleep in our underpants with a fan on preferably. Oh my goodness. Yeah, we run hot.

Too chilly. I would be so cold. I would say, oh no, what am I, on an iceberg? I don't know. Well there is a thing about, there is a thing about men and women that I think people, when they talk about our differences is that,

yeah, we tend to be a lot warmer than you are. And I think that, and what I always say to my wife is, I've taken off all the clothes that I can remove. There's no more clothing for me to take off. Now you have to start putting some things on so we can coexist. So she has to wear flannel pajamas or whatever. She's wearing flannel sweaters, coats.

She put on her hat. I'm sleeping on top of the sheets in my underwear. And did she say yes or was she like, let me think about it? She was like, yes, I'll marry you. It's a constant struggle. It's not something that's, it's a negotiation each time we go to bed.

And then how long were you engaged before the actual ceremony? Was it a long engagement or a short? I think it was almost a year. I think it was about a year. I think that's like a nice timeframe to like plan stuff. Wedding a wedding is hard. Oh yes it is.

It's, oh, I could never. You know what the worst part is, is the seating arrangements. That took us a full weekend, like a whole weekend trying to figure that out. Trying to figure out how not to insult people. Trying to figure out who would be near the speakers and who wouldn't.

Where all the old people would go. You know, all that kind of stuff. Who wants to sit next to this person? Who doesn't want to sit next to that person? Who's a vegetarian? Who's, you know, like all that kind of stuff. That's too much work. But then it makes sense.

It's like, well, I'm inviting them to my party where I'm celebrating my love. So the least I could do is not seat you next to someone you absolutely fucking hate. Yeah, but don't you think that, I don't know, So the least I could do is not seat you next to someone you absolutely fucking hate. Yeah, but don't you think that, I don't know, I feel like it should just be their responsibility to figure out where to sit.

Like you just like leave, you know, there are the tables. You guys figure out who you wanna sit with. You're gonna get, some of you are gonna get stuck next to a dud. Some of you are gonna get, you know, Aunt Nancy or something, and that's just what you're gonna have to do, and we'll make the best of it. I guess you could do that.

Theoretically, you could, but I'm just like, I bought you a present, I bought a new dress, I'm coming for you. The least you can do is figure out where I'm sitting and get me some yummy beef or chicken. Yeah, it's always beef or chicken. Never order the fish. It doesn't sit well. No, it doesn't. It's never good at a wedding. Also, on airplanes when they offer you fish, I'm like, no, this is too far away from its natural habitat. I cannot eat it up here.

That's insane. Realistically, they should serve birds only in the airplane. Ha ha ha ha. Chicken, turkey. Yeah, maybe they hit a goose. A little goose? I've never had goose, have you eaten a goose? Never had goose, it's my nickname for my daughter.

Ha ha ha, that's cute. I wrote a children's book called The Serious Goose, but I have never eaten a goose. And the reason I've never eaten a goose, even though I've been interested in it, because like in the Muppets Christmas song, it's like Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. It's a goose is like a traditional English Christmas food item.

Is it? Yeah, very much so. And I mean, I don't think it is now, but I think in the olden times, a goose was the big deal. Like in, you know, like, you know, Tiny Tim, I think was, you know, they were saving up for their Christmas goose or something, but I've heard that it doesn't taste good, so we don't have it.

Yeah, I don't think I would want it. A goose? Here's your goose. I'd be really upset if someone said that to me. Yeah, no, something about a goose, it should be left alone. Yeah, no, something about a goose, it should be left alone. Yeah, goose, they're silly goose, silly goose's, not food goose's, anyway Jimmy,

the holidays are over, Thanksgiving goodbye, Christmas see ya later, do you have any New Year's resolutions? You know, I never really make New Year's resolutions. My friend Daniel had the best New Year's resolution, I think, of anyone, And you kind of have to know him to understand why it was so good, but his New Year's resolution,

which his wife did not like at all, was to start looking out for number one. I can see why a wife is like, what the fuck? What do you mean? Yeah, and he'd been looking out for number one for quite some time at that, when that January hit. who's like, what the fuck, what do you mean? Yeah, and he'd been looking out for number one for quite some time at that, when that January hit. But you know, I do the typical things where I go like,

okay, you know what, you ate a lot of stuff over this holiday break, and try to eat less stuff. That's usually, you have the same New Year's resolution each year. I think that's good. Eat less stuff. Yeah, you're still eating. Just less. Eat less stuff.

Every New Year's I'm like, okay, this is the year I quit smoking and it never happens. I love delicious cigarettes. They're bad for you, but yum, yum, yum. Do I love them? I like that you smoke. I have to say, I know it's not good for you and I yum, yum, yum, do I love them. I like that you smoke, I have to say.

I know it's not good for you, and I wish you didn't smoke because I don't want to see you have any health problems, but there is something about smoking that really, that I admire, it's a throwback thing. My children, my little ones, are horrified by smoking. Like, it has been ingrained as a bad thing into their brain. Like when they see people smoking,

they start yelling at them. And I have to say like, hey, they're allowed to smoke if they want to. You can't yell at people for smoking. It's not, you know, this is none of your business. You can't just scream at people, it's their choice. But I grew up in Las Vegas, and my Aunt Chippy

would just smoke up, she still does, she just smokes pack after pack of Marlboro cigarettes. And when I go into a casino in Vegas and I breathe in that smell of cigarettes, and I've never smoked cigarettes in my life, but it to me smells like home. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He does. It really does. of my life, but it to me smells like home. Smell like home and Aunt Chippy. It does, it really does.

I love how casinos smell. Oh my God, I just went to a casino and I won $800. Can you even? Doing what? Just the slot machines. You're playing slot machines. Which slot machine were you playing? I played the mask.

I played like Panda Frenzy. There was this like golden egg of sorts. Okay, so I think I figured out something. So when you cash out, it gives you this little slip and then you could put the little slip back in or you could put another 20 in. And I think when you put 20s in, it thinks you're a new person and then you win.

I don't know, I could be very wrong. You know what, I have to tell ya, I grew up in Las Vegas and my dad actually, one of his jobs was to set the odds on slot machines. So he worked for this company that managed the computer systems that ran the slot machines. And I think there's something to it. I do think that there is something to it.

Now there probably isn't, it's probably completely random. But you know, as I did grow up in Las Vegas, you know there are certain machines that are hot machines and we always felt that you want to play one of the machines at the end of the row, that one, because the idea being that those machines, more people would see other people winning on those machines. And that certain machines get into just a run

where they're paying off and if a machine is cold, you move off of it and just change, and people do the same thing with card tables and I know that that is random and that is ridiculous, but when you get on a hot machine, you stick around, don't leave it. And I do think they must know, there must be something in those machines that know when you're there

for the long haul and they're just gonna get ya. I think there is something too, throwing that fresh $20 bill into it. I truly think you're right, because the one I won $400 on was an end machine, and then I lost $100 in a back machine where nobody was, and then I came back to an end machine,

and then I won a bunch again. Where were you? Oh my God. I was at, uh-oh, something creek outside of Chicago. Windy Creek? Okay. So is an Indian casino you're at? I don't know, maybe, probably. Yeah. Midwest. It had to be yeah in Vegas The best place to gamble is the supermarket

That's the best place to play the slot machine because that they have the best odds, you know, they they set the payout So machines will pay out like 97.3 percent or and a lot of the casinos, especially local casinos, will post their payout rate. So you look for a casino that has a payout rate as close to 100% as possible, and that's where you wanna play if you really wanna win. Now, do you want to sit in an Albertsons and play slot machines?

Probably not. But. You don't know what I'm into. But if you are at Albertson's and you have some change after you've purchased your groceries, it's a good place. I remember my mom, she would always play with whatever change she got from the grocery store and I remember once every 11th time she went to the store,

she'd come home and go like, oh, I got all the groceries for free because I won on the slot machine. Wow, Vegas is a different land and I love it. It's a weird place, yeah. Wait, how old were you when you moved away from Vegas? I was 18 when I moved away. And then how old were you moved to?

You were nine when you moved to Vegas? Yeah, I lived there for nine years. Because you lived in Brooklyn, right? Yeah, Brooklyn until I was nine, then Vegas until I was 18. Then I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. I went to Arizona State for like two and a half, three years, I got married there, and then I went on a radio tour of the United States.

Ooh, that's fun. Well, it wasn't really. It wasn't really a tour so much as I kept getting fired everywhere I went. Ha ha ha ha ha. I like that. My therapist would call that a reframe. Instead of being fired, I went on a radio tour.

I like it. That's good. I got reframed a lot. I was like in Aaron Brothers. Ha ha ha ha ha. Arizona's too hot. I was doing shows in Phoenix, and we landed at 11 p.m. and the pilot was like, it's a cool 110 degrees.

I was like, what? And then it was just that hot all the time. I couldn't believe it. People were living there like it was normal. Yeah, you get used to it. Yeah, I mean, I lived in Vegas, Phoenix, Tucson, Palm Springs, I've lived in a lot of pretty hot places so I'm used to it.

Oh my God, that's honestly wild. Palm Springs is so hot. How long did you live in Palm Springs? A year and a half. It was one of my radio stations. I wasn't fired, the only one I wasn't fired at. You chose to leave. I chose to leave, and I went to Tucson from Palm Springs.

Oh my god, just more heat, I can't. Any towns that have like, the little air mister thingies, like I'm at a theme park, I'm not here for that. You know it's too hot, we shouldn't be here. It's not good for the hair either, it's really not ideal. Yeah, the misters, yeah, when you have to have misters, that's when you know the humans aren't supposed to be living in that spot.

Yes, too dang hot. Real quick, we have to take a break. Wait, how old were you when you got your show, Jimmy Kimmel Live? Let's see, it'll be 22 years this month, so I'm 57 now, so I was 35. That's so fun. Were you like, I can't fucking believe this, or were you like, I worked really hard and I deserve it?

Neither one of those things. I was dying, I was doing the show live, five nights a week from 9.05 p.m. to 10.05 p.m. Mm-hmm. I had two young children. I had been recently divorced. I had my kids Three days a week and I was dying. I was exhausted and I had no guests and I had to like It's a lot of afternoons

It was 5 p.m. And we had no guests for the night and I'd be making phone calls to friends who were quasi celebrities Trying to get them to come on the show. There was a huge amount of pressure and I was praying that the show would get canceled. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Maybe that's the secret to success, praying that something gets canceled and then they're gonna be like, nope bitch, you gotta keep going.

I always figured if it got canceled, then the many friends and family members I had working at the show, they wouldn't blame me. They'd be like, well yeah, it got canceled, then the many friends and family members I had working at the show, they wouldn't blame me. They'd be like, well, yeah, it got canceled, but if I quit, then I would have been to blame. So I was hoping for canceled, and it just kept going and going and going. Wait, why were you having trouble booking guests? Was it just because people didn't know who you were?

Yeah, that was one of the problems. Also the show was terrible. Also the show was on at nine o'clock. So, you know, these publicists are like, I'm not going, I'm not staying at that show until 11 p.m. But our show in those days, like the backstage, it was crazy. It was like a nightclub here every single night. And there were certain guests that would come in

state at four o'clock in the morning. You know, it was like, it was nuts here. And the staff, everything was just completely out of control. It was only until people on our staff started having young children of their own that- Kids and they're like, I have to go home. I cannot stay here.

Things calmed down and we started doing the show and it was still daylight. But it was pretty, it the show and it was still daylight, but it was pretty It was wild and it is is amazing that it's still on the air Does your office have windows because when I hosted uh, I think I was in like the dressing rooms and there's no windows down there And I was in oh that was my office that I was in from morning until late at night every day For the first two and a half years of the show. Oh wait. I was star from morning until late at night, every day, for the first two and a half years of the show. I was starved for sunlight.

I had this little ultraviolet light device that I would shine on my face. And when people walked in, it was like the Wizard of Oz. It was terrible. And I said to the people at Disney, I said, listen, I feel like I'm dying. I feel like a plant that's not getting enough vitamins. And on the weekends, I would just like,

I would stand outside. My girlfriend would be like shopping or whatever. I'd stand, I'd be like, I'm not going in the store. I'm gonna stand out here. And I'd just stand outside taking in sun because I was deficient in vitamin D. But I went to the guy, this dick who ran this place, and I said, listen, I gotta move upstairs

where there's a window, you know? Because we had a room up here, and he's like, well, I'll tell you this, if it costs more than $50,000 to remodel that area, then you can't move up there. And I was like, ah. I was like, I don't care what it is like, just please let me up there.

Please, I need a window. And they did the most basic of renovations and let me come up here and then over the years we kind of fixed it up little by little and now I have a window, like a human. I simply can't believe that you did that for two and a half years. Literally, I did two days and I was like, I'm dying!

Yeah, it's bad. It's a bad idea. I'm sorry, I didn't even realize that was happening. Next time you go, it's fine. Next time you can use my office, I'm not even in it. I'm just like, I'm now Jimmy Kimmel. But, okay, here's a question. Interviewing people who don't talk,

do you have a trick to get them to talk? No, I just talk. I just keep talking. And it's funny because there are people who don't talk and there is no trick to get them to talk. I mean, there isn't a trick. There are just people who talk and people who don't talk, and people who are too scared to talk.

But what I do is I will start telling a story about myself, and what inevitably happens is the fans of that person who I'm interviewing will watch the video on YouTube and then in the comments section turn on me, like, this guy never shuts up. He didn't let her talk Yeah, well I tried to let her talk Little do you know what I was going through? that's really funny because people don't get it because I've interviewed people where I've looked at them and their faces like I'm not answering it I'm gonna give you one word answers.

And I'm like, all right. So then you're doing all of this work to be like, this is an interesting segment. You can clip this out. And then people are like, you don't shut up, do you? And I'm like, you don't know. You don't know what it's like. It is funny because it is called a talk show.

It's right there in the title and you expect that that's understood. But most of the time people aren't being difficult. They just are either nervous or they get scared and clam up or they just kind of can't acclimate to their surroundings. You know it's weird seeing a talk show set that you've seen on television. Like even for me you know when I go on someone's talk show, I'm like, oh hey, okay, look, everything's much smaller and everything seems kind of fake and I wasn't really necessarily expecting that.

And sometimes you have seven minutes for the interview and you've spent the first six minutes trying to take that in. Yeah, and you're like, uh oh, I gotta talk about me now? Okay, sorry, bye. It's over. Bye. Do you hope to host for many more years, or do you think you're at the end of hosting?

You don't also have to answer that if that's too. Well, even if I answered it, it wouldn't make any difference because every time I think I know what the answer is, I come up with a different answer. So I really don't know. I finally know that I don't know. Each time my contract has neared an end,

I've convinced myself with nearly 100% certainty that this is it and that it's over, and each time someone has tricked me into signing up again and And these tricks come from all different places. They come from my manager They come from the network Sometimes my manager and the network collude and think I'm too dumb to understand that they're colluding to trick me into signing up for more Time so I've learned to stop saying it because no one believes me and everybody laughs at me anytime.

I love that. I love that they're like, eh, he might say something, but we're gonna figure it out, don't worry. Yeah, I'm like, you know, like, Cher's farewell tour that goes on and on and on and on for 35 years. Forever and ever. Yeah, like Kiss won't be back on the road

one of these days, please. I think I just saw maybe Guns N' Roses is going back on tour. That's right Yeah, when they're not fighting each other they're touring and I was like the economy is gonna get worse. Everybody's touring everybody needs money Jimmy when you go on vacation, where do you go? What's like the what's the best vacation you've been on with your family? Um, let's see the best one. Oh, the best one. We been on with your family? Let's see, the best one, oh, the best one we went on with our family was Japan. We went to Tokyo and Kyoto.

And my older kids loved it, my younger kids loved it. It was just an unbelievably magical place. Otherwise, we'll go fishing. I like to go fishing with my kids and with my family and with my friends and so we will go up to Idaho and fish. That's the thing we do most but every once in a while we'll take a big trip like Tokyo. Of course vacationing with your kids is mostly no fun. You know you can't go out to dinner you know it's like you don't remember it until you're there and each mostly no fun. You can't go out to dinner.

You don't remember it until you're there and each time you forget it. It's like, oh yeah, right, right. At home we don't do this with them because they're terrible and they can't just sit there and cull her. And they don't need anything. And they keep yelling at people who are smoking outside.

And they're yelling at smokers. Wait, there's Idaho's, okay, Idaho's on the coast? No, Idaho's not on the coast. But there are rivers. Oh, rivers, wow. And lakes, yeah, there are lakes, yeah. I was like, this is dumb, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Well, you know what, you learned about lyrics,

and now you've learned about geography. I know about Idaho. Do you like fry up the fish that you catch or do you catch them and throw them back? Cause I know that's what some people do. Yes, we throw them back. We release the fish. Oh.

Yeah. Well, we don't do it to be nice. We do it because we know there will be no fishing if we don't do that. Ah, I see. In the old days, Norman Rockwell days, people would string up as many fish as they possibly could. And there's still people who do do that, and we frown on that.

We release the fish gently back into the river. What do you think that's like for the fish? Do you think they're having a nice time and they're like, what's this? Oh no, I'm hooked. And then they're like, I'm outside! I'm outside my home! And then they get thrown back to their home

and then they find their friends, their school of fish, and they're like, you'll never believe what happened. And the other fish are like, yeah,'re like, you'll never believe what happened. And the other fish are like, yeah, right, Jerry. You didn't see it. I do think of them in human terms sometimes. I think of it a little bit differently than you presented it.

I think of them sitting at the dinner table, and they just, you're just about to take a bite of food, and suddenly they get yanked up through the ceiling of the house, and suddenly they're out above the house and they're in the sky and they're like, what the, what happened? I was just about to eat this hamburger and here I am in the sky.

And then you fight and they fight you and then you finally get them on the boat and you're like, this maniac is taking a picture of me now. And then the most confusing part has to be when we release them because they're like, well, what was that about? What was that about? Is that gonna happen again?

At least have the decency to eat me if you're gonna do that. I mean, who was that good for? That must be what it feels like if you get abducted by an alien. Yeah. You're like, oh my God, all this happened and now I'm just back on Earth. Take me with you. Yeah.

It's just like getting probed by an alien. Like a spaceship comes, beams you up. You're right. That's exactly what it is. If the aliens came, Jimmy, are you going? Going where? I don't know, to Kazakhstan. To Mexico?

I don't know. I said Kazakhstan. I was going to say a planet and that's not what came out. To Pluto? To Kazakhstan. No, no, I would never, I would never even, I was actually, one of these rich guys that has one of these space companies

asked me if I wanted to go into space and I said no, that's the last place I wanna go. I like being here on the ground. I don't even like to jump. I wouldn't go with a rich guy into space. I just, I saw what happened when they tried to see the Titanic, that didn't end well. So I'm not going to space with a rich guy.

But if the aliens come. Well, listen, Nicole, they don't let poor people in space. It's just, it's a rule. They're not allowed. No, you're absolutely right. You're too poor to go to space. But if the aliens come, I'm going. You are going, why?

Well, because I think that there's like, it has to be better. It can't be worse than here. Oh, I bet it is worse than here. You think? Yeah, because if they're coming, we are a simple species by comparison. We are their trout.

You know, we are the tiny brained animals that they're gonna watch flop around We are a simple species by comparison. We are their trout. We are the tiny brained animals that they're gonna watch flop around and maybe take a picture of to show their friends. I think you might be right. I don't think they're gonna treat us that well. I think that if they're not, I don't think it's like ET

where there's some real companionship happening. Well, if it was ET, I'm going, but I just saw alien for the first time. If it's like alien, I'm not going with that thing. That thing didn't seem nice. Yeah, well, they didn't, I don't think that Alien wanted anyone to come along. I think that Alien just wanted to come out of people's stomachs. Yeah, which is a strange pastime.

Yeah. But whatever brings you joy, dude. Yeah, it's weird, but probably no weirder again than what we do to the fish. Jimmy, I have a question. Do you celebrate your anniversary every year and do you do something special? Yes. Well, I will say, like this year was our 11th anniversary.

My wife always forgets the date of our anniversary. And I mean always. And- What is your anniversary date? Is it the first date you went on or when you decided to be like exclusive? No, it's our wedding, our wedding date. Okay.

Yeah. It's July 13th and I always remember and always prepare and always buy a gift and have a card. And my wife, if, will pretend she didn't forget but clearly did. And will then feel very guilty and then I'll spend most of the time consoling her about feeling guilty about the fact

that I've bought her a necklace and she didn't even give me a card. It's like the opposite of what you might see in a sitcom. I like that you inverted it. I like that she's like, I can't believe I forgot. It's like, you can't believe it happens every year, ma'am. I always know too. Sometimes when we're with people, I'll go,

Molly, when's our anniversary? July 10th, and I'll go, no, no, that's our daughter's birthday. Our anniversary is July 13th. I love that you ask in front of people too. You're like, here's a pop quiz. Of course, I didn't say I was nice. Where did you go on your honeymoon? We went to, you know, it's funny.

I'm making this sound like I'm great, I'm not that great and I do things just to annoy my wife because I think they're funny. And one of them is my wife whose name is Molly McNierney is a very Irish name, told me that she was 100% Irish. And when I started getting into her family tree, I said, you got a big chunk of German in you here, and then I realized she had a really,

more German than Irish in there, and she did not like that. For whatever reason, she romanticizes being Irish, right? So I started speaking German words to her, and when she'd walk in the room, I'd play the German national anthem, and give her some schnitzel or whatever for her birthday, and just dumb stuff like that, right?

So on our honeymoon, I said, how about this? Because we're having trouble figuring out, I said, what if I make it a surprise? Just know, and she's like, well, I gotta know what to pack I'll give you like a weather idea but it's gonna be a surprise I'll plan the trip she says okay that'll be fun all right that's great so now I booked with a travel agent a trip to Italy we're gonna go to Florence which is a place that she loves right so I made contact with the travel agent,

and the travel agent's like, okay, so you'll be on Lufthansa Airlines, and you'll be flying into Munich, and I was like, oh, oh, this is fantastic, because she is gonna think when we get to the airport. That you're going to Germany. That's really funny. And she is going to be very, very mad at me

for like 11 straight hours on the plane. And unfortunately, I think one of my relatives, because I sent all the information of where we're gonna be and what dates and how to get in touch with us in case we're married, one of them said like, oh my God, I'm so happy you guys are going to Italy. I was like, God damn it, it was a surprise.

It's like you ruined my bet. You ruined my ruining of her honeymoon. Although it would have been very funny if you had just gone to Germany, but I also get pushing a bit too far is getting bad. You know what, you wanna ease into it. Now, like this Christmas season, what I did to her, and it's always something,

is there's this terrible Christmas song, I don't know if you've ever heard it. It's called Dominic the Donkey. No. It's Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey. No. And the guy is from Brooklyn and he pronounces it Dunkey, as most people, older people, Italians from Brooklyn, Dilla. The Dunkey as most people older people Italians from Brooklyn, Dilla

the Dunkey which is annoying just to start with but this song is you got to look it up because It'll make you it really make you a whole hate a whole race of people It's it is so I mean it'll just it just sends it will make every hair stand up on your body. And she hates it so much. She really, really hates it. And so, not only have I, did I this holiday season play it over and over again. I recorded my children singing it on a karaoke track.

I ordered a six foot inflatable donkey that I or donkey that I put a an Italian scarf around and put that outside of our house and and my son it will now say Alexa play Dominic the donkey volume 9 she'll run upstairs and then we'll play it on the Alexa in her bedroom. She's screaming no, and it makes us all laugh. And it makes her. I love it, you're like actually making her crazy. And you're like, ha ha ha!

That's like, I think it's Bill Gates when he was with, no, maybe it's Stephen King. I don't know. It's a. That's quite a difference. It's one of them. They played Mambo number five on Loop. Well, that is, yeah, that's a great, wow, that's funny.

And it's funny you mentioned that song because I once had a party for a birthday party for my ex-wife and my parents were invited and it was a dance party and they showed up with a CD and I was like, what is this? And they said, oh, it was a dance party. And they showed up with a CD and I was like, what is this? And they said, oh, it's a song we heard and we went and bought it.

It's great, it's called Mambo Number Five. I was like, you guys went to the record store and bought Mambo Number Five to bring it to this party? Your parents are iconic. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard. They're like, this song, we heard it on, we love it so much. And I just imagine them and heard. They're like, this song, we heard it on, we love it so much. And I just imagine them and Sam Goody being like,

it goes one, two, three, four, five. Yeah, explaining the work of Lou Vega. Yes. I love that so much. Wait, for your second marriage, did you have your kids in the wedding party? Did you, like, was your daughter the flower girl? Oh, that's cute.

No, they were older, so my son was in the, you know, in the groomsmen. My son was the best man, actually. Oh, that's nice. And my daughter was one of the, what do they call them? The ladies. Bridesmaids. Women who have to wear the same dress.

Yes. Bridesmaids. The women who have to wear the same dress. Yes. Bridesmaids. The women who look the same. Yes, the women who are all dressed the same and will never wear those dresses again, yes. Did you do a destination wedding or did you do it in LA? No, we did it here, yeah, we did a local wedding. Oh, that's nice.

It was a great wedding though, we had a really, really good time. Did you have a live band or a DJ? A DJ, I was a wedding DJ in my college days. And in fact, that is how I met my first wife. I was a DJ at a dance. And I know from experience that while there are some great wedding bands,

there aren't a ton of them, but there are some great wedding bands, the dance floor will triple, double, quadruple, you name the multiple when the DJ starts playing records. And so we went with that. How long were you a wedding DJ? For the whole time I lived in Phoenix, two and a half years. I did weddings, I did high school dances,

I did bar mitzvahs, I did school, all sorts of school functions. I wonder if there's old pictures of you DJing, like in someone's yearbook. You say that because I've been waiting for years because everybody's got a video of their wedding. And I did a lot of weddings. I mean, I did a couple, a hundred weddings.

And I've never seen anyone post, I mean, I look different. I mean, I probably weighed 130 pounds at that time, and I had, I wore red glasses like Sally Jessie Raphael. And, and. That's very funny. But, you know, and nobody really knew my last name, you know, might've known my first name, probably not even that, but I've yet to see that.

And I guess I'm probably glad that I haven't seen it, but I kind of would like to. Because I have no mementos from that. I have no photographs of myself doing that. I have none of it. That's kind of wild. I feel like when you're a person of notoriety, like people come out of the woodwork being like,

here's this old picture, I saw you do this, dah, dah, dah, dah. I think it's very funny that no one's been like, he was my wedding DJ. I don't think anybody put two and two together. I think it was such a long time before I was on TV from, because I was like, you know, like 18, 19 years old, and I wasn't on TV till I was 30. Well, maybe someone listening to this will be like,

I'm gonna go look at my wedding video and see what's going, it's Jimmy Kimmel! If you got married in 1987, 88, possibly, partly 89 in Phoenix, Arizona, and used Johnny B's dish jockey, there's like a one in 18 chance that I was your DJ. Johnny B's dish jockey! Wait, I have a question.

Do you have any advice for single people on their journey to find love? Oh, let's see. Do I have any advice for single people? Well, I think, I don't know. Can you get blanket advice to people? I mean, everybody's different. I think here's, okay, yes, I do have some advice

because I have a couple of friends who hadn't dated for years, like years. Like one of them was like a successful guy and like good looking guy and just hadn't dated in five years, hadn't had one date. And this is a guy who used to have dates all the time, you know, whatever. Well, it turns out he's cheap, you know,

and that was a big part of it. He used to have a job that he could put his dates on his expense account and pretend he was taking clients out. So that really cut into it. But really what kills you, and I think, this is rude, especially for guys, I think, is masturbating.

I do think that it is like, like if you have, if you've got a, you know, a not so great buffet at your house, you're not gonna go out for meals, you know? And I think that a lot of people get, like, kind of caught up in their world of pornography, and they lose the desire to procreate, the thing that drives us all. And I think that you gotta,

and I said to one of my friends, it's like you gotta quit masturbating for a month, and I think you'll get your groove back. And it was true, and we put him on, I think, match.com, and he got one date, and he married her. And I had another friend, whose name I won't mention, but it's Greg, who also had a similar situation, and we put him on Match.com, and he went on one date,

and he also is marrying the woman that he met. So two for two, really just kind of cutting off the jack supply as it's legally called. And it worked, you know? And I think for a lot of guys, I don't know about women, but I think for a lot of guys that's the key. I mean, I think that's actually good advice because it's like, don't stay home and do that.

Don't just jerk off, leave your home. Meet somebody, get thirsty for the pussy, and then you'll marry somebody. Yes, let your body chemistry do some of the work for you. Yeah, I think it's very, very good advice. It's the same thing when I do this podcast with my friends this year called Best Friends, and people ask for advice on getting friends,

and I'm like, leave your house. Leave your house and go do something, and just talk to people. So I think it's really great advice. Stop jerking the chicken! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's right, that's it is? Is that? Yeah, that's again, you've mixed up the metaphors,

but you know, jerking the chicken is, you might eat in Jamaica, but. Ha ha ha ha ha. Put down the jerk chicken. Keep jerking the chicken, and stop choking it. Well, Jimmy, we have come to the end. This was delightful. Thank you so much for taking the time to do it

after a full fucking work day. I really do appreciate it. Well, thank you for doing full work days on my behalf here at the show. I appreciate it. Of course. For always being delightful when you come. And I will tell you that you're a big favorite here. Everyone here at our show loves you.

That makes me so happy because I genuinely loved my experience there. Because when we read through the jokes, it was very nice that people trusted that I would deliver them well. But I kind of mumbled through them, and I was like, oh yeah, that's funny. Oh yeah, that's funny.

And nobody was like, do you want to try it the way you're gonna do? It just felt like everyone trusted me, and that was so cool. That's right, and believe me, that's nice for us too. That's, you know. Yeah, it's truly really fun and you're really incredible so I really, really thank you for doing this.

All right, well I'm gonna book you for this summer then. Please do, I really had such a good time. All right, well thank you, I appreciate it. Do you have anything you wanna promote, Jimmy? Mm, you know, I'm on every night. If you're interested, you know where to find me. I love it. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

you can like it, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tudatepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read it. Dear Nicole, you're the bottle of champagne to my New Year's toast. I want to flip you upside down, pop your cork with my teeth, and watch your fizzy juices spill all over me,

soaking my tuxedo like I've just won the horniest NASCAR race of all time. Then I'll grab you by the stem, tilt you back, and guzzle down every last drop of your sparkling sexy essence while shouting, Nicole's nectar is the best vintage of all! Ha ha ha! My only resolution for 2025 is to bathe

in your wet bubbly juices. Love you. That's it. Signed, Uncle Ron. Mmm, Uncle Ron, thank you. Oh, I forgot. Jimmy, would you date me? Yeah, I mean, is this a real offer

or is this hypothetical? I guess hypothetical, because I have a boyfriend and you have a wife. But it is, you know, I could explain to my wife. I could say, listen, it's, you know, it's show business. These are the kinds of things you have to do from time to time.

You have to flip somebody over like a glass of champagne and guzzle their cork. You get it, it's show business, honey. I'll let you talk to her. If you can get me free and clear, yes, definitely. All right. All right. Next summer, I'm gonna have a conversation.

Bye. Bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kamate. Ah, thanks for listening!

We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then! Okay, bye bye! That was a HeadGum Podcast.