Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - A Nightmare Wedding Experience (w/ Diona Reasonover)

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Diona Reasonover (NCIS, I Love You, America) shares her nightmare wedding experience which included a rear-end accident, a broken wrist, a typhoon, an ASOS wedding dress, and multiple wedding crashers. On top of that, she met her wife's parents for the first time at her wedding! She also shares her experience dating while she was a carnie, why she doesn't wear her engagement ring in the summer, and how Kirsten Bell's presence cancelled her engagement plan. You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you insisted on punching me in the tit every morning, I would... What?

I would let you! What? My guest today. Who is a guest. I mean, that is painful. It is, but if that's what you need, I'll be here. No, I'm kidding. I would never, but like, if it's a soft chap, I'm kind of into it.

So you know her from Clipped and NCIS. It's Deona Reasonover. Don't go into my intro from that. Tip punch. What? Okay. Clipped and NCIS. It's Deona Reisenhofer. Don't go into my intro from that. Like what? Okay. I'm on an 8 p.m. show. You are? Truly, you're so funny.

And now you're on a procedural. Oh, thank you. It's so funny to me. You know what, though? I think procedurals sort of need someone with comedy. It's funny. Everybody on that show is actually. You know what, though? I think procedural sort of needs someone with comedy. It's funny. Everybody on that show is actually very funny. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody on that show is very good with comedy. Because Wilmer from That 70s Show. Okay. And then you have Sean Murray, Thackery Binks. Okay. Then you have Mark Harmon. Wait, what?

Yes. What? Yes, Sean Murray that plays McGee on that show, he was Thackery B in i had no idea what i didn't know i never made the correlation this is a i never get to tell people this this is a first this is a real fucking treat absolutely what a dream have you asked him so many questions about shooting hocus pocus you know what i actually haven't because i thought i get a little embarrassed about like fangirling out on people. I see. I see.

But I did ask him once. I was like, do people, like, freak out during the month of October? He's like, it's wild. People, like, cons are always like, can you please come? How? I mean, I'm truly grinning so hard right now knowing that you get to work with Vakaree Binks. Come to set. Come visit set.

Vakaree Binks. with vacare bing come to set come visit set come visit set and then you can ask him a ton of questions oh my god i have oh what a treat that would be yeah it is one of the best movies of all time i remember when i saw it for the first time we went to the video store in lincroft new jersey my mother said pick out whatever you want. And it's a purple case. Yeah. And I love purple. And then I was like, three witches. One of them is fat.

Sign me up. Then I saw it and I was like, man, Kathy Najimy's a force. When people say representation matters, it truly does. It does. It does. Anything I've ever loved is a black person about a black woman or a fat woman and i'm like yay what else have you loved anything whoopi goldberg has been and i can watch ghost which sister act with kathleen and jimmy sister act is a perfect movie

it is sister act two is not good no it's not no thank you i thought that was just me no no i real hard stance on this it is not a sequel it is a completely separate movie correct and it shouldn't it should just be called something else not sister act two none it's a different game yes at music school whoopi goldberg none in school yeah are you a whoopi fan i love whoopi gold Goldberg. Have you seen Eddie? I have not seen Eddie. Man, Eddie's a great movie. She plays a limo driver who then becomes the head coach of the New York Knicks. Yeah. Owned by Frank Langella.

And they were in a relationship at the time. In real life? Uh-huh. She's dated some weird people. Yes. That's another thing I love about her. Well, okay. So if you did the like

kind of six degrees of Kevin Bacon but with dating and Whoopi Goldberg and it would be like Whoopi Goldberg to Ted Danson to Ted Danson

married Mary Mary Steenberg. Yes, that's it. That's it. And she's dated I heard she dated some wild people too. Oh, really?

Yeah. We can get this app going. Yeah. Yeah. Six degrees of Whoopi Goldberg. Six Degrees of Goldberg. Ugh, all I want to do is work with her. I love Whoopi Goldberg. I really want to do a sequel to Ghost,

a sequel nobody has asked for, and that's all I want to do. That's it. Or a word-for-word remake of Sister Act. Oh, I... I would love to be Dolores Van Cartier. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you know who I want to be? I want to be like the littlest sister, the littlest nun. The one who sings? Yep. I can't sing, though. What? With the bangs. Mm-hmm.

I like her. And then she's got that clock that goes, oh, shit, how does it go? Wah, get up! No. No. That's not it. Ah, sleepyhead. Yes.? Wah, get up! No. No, that's not it. Ah, sleepyhead! Yes.

Hey, you sleepyhead! No. Do you know what I'm talking about? Not actually, no. She has this sunflower clock in the movie, like an alarm clock, and it goes, hey, you sleepyhead!

No. Oh, get out of bed or something like that. Yes, get out of bed, you sleepyhead! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do remember this now. I'm not crazy. For a hot second, I was like, I'm being gaslit's saying that it's not in the movie i know it's in the movie of all the things i could be gaslighting you about the lights the lights are dimming the lights are dimming um i got a copy of sister act and a globe for my eighth birthday and i was really

down with the sister act vhs but the globe i like, what am I supposed to do with this thing? You shake it. Shake it? No, not a snow globe, a world globe. Oh, a spinning globe. Yeah, I'm doing a spin motion right now. I got a globe one Christmas and I was like, for what? Why? For me, for what?

Well, you know what I think? Now that I actually go to trivia nights a lot, now I actually wish I paid more attention to the globe because people are constantly being like what country does not border you know pakistan and i'm like i i don't know uh what country does not border pakistan the united states of america correct correct hell yeah hell yeah that's it that's it there was okay um there was a trivia question that was like can you name the 10 countries with the word stan in them pakistan uzbekistan yes uh kazachstan yes uh gobble gobble baby turkey

nope turkmenistan oh turkmenistan i've never heard of that country there was a lot i hadn't necessarily that i they didn't come yeah I hadn't necessarily... Turkmenistan. They didn't come... Yeah, they didn't come as quickly as I wanted them to. I did pretty good considering... I don't know, nothing. You started nailing them off. I was really...

Thank you. One could almost say you nailed it. Wow, I did that. I'm okay with it because I know you and I like you. But people at meet and greets will be like, can you just yell nailed it? And I'm like will be like, he just yelled nailed it. And I'm like, I'm not the one who says it. It's the contestants who scream nailed it.

It is. It is. It's also you don't want to be in a room just screaming things. I mean. Can I ask you a question? Please. What was the Emmys like? Didn't you go to the Emmys?

I did get to go to the Emmys. Oh, I see the eyebrows. It was a real treat. What a dream. I got to wear a custom Christian Siriano gown. Really? Yes. That's amazing. So my stylist had just worked with him on

Project Runway, so she had a direct line to him. I asked him if he wanted to. He was excited about it. He wanted to put me in yellow, which I thought is a beautiful I wanted to be in purple, but he said yellow. Yellow was the correct choice. I wore heels like an idiot. I should have worn flats.

I didn't realize how much walking there would be. It was insanely hot. The best part was when Ladybug from The Masked Singer walked the carpet, everybody lost their minds. And I was like, that's not the celebrity. Wait, Ladybug from The Masked Singer? Do you know The Masked Singer? Wait, you mean Black Widow? No. Who's. Wait, Ladybug from the Masked Singer? Do you know the Masked Singer? Wait, you mean Black Widow?

No. Who's Ladybug? Ladybug on the Masked Singer. Have I not paid attention? Maybe Ladybug was last season or hasn't appeared yet. No, she must have because I'm all caught up. Let me tell you, I'm all caught up. We just watched it this morning.

It's a real fever dream. I don't like the reveal when that song is hoo-hoo, hoooms on people screaming take it off the mass singer brings me so much joy so you saw i'm not ruining anything no but butterfly uh saying yes and then they showed a clip of butterfly getting electrocuted during rehearsal and then butterfly they have a voice changer she goes uh or they go because we don't know what gender they are they said oh yeah I got electrocuted and I was like I don't want to die here

and it made me laugh so hard because imagine you died trying to perform on the Masked Singer in a Butterfly costume it would just be 2019 in a nutshell the wildest shit well and you realize how fragile life is because she's like because she's like the co2 thing went off and all of a sudden

i just got electrocuted and i'm like of all the places yes in her in their leg those are skinny little legs too so i better travel right up that current just went the way their body moved the mass singer on fox do not sponsor this podcast but honestly if you want to watch something and feel like maybe how a schizophrenic feels or like a crazy person feels watch the mass singer yes it's so bananas and then they have robin thick who i now love do you i do actually you know what from watching The Masked Singer because you get to watch him work like as an as an artist

did I just say that? did I just say that? you gotta go home you gotta you really gotta go no but he's really good like he's got the technical stuff and I met his dad

and he reminds me of his dad oh I like Alan Thicke yeah I did a movie with I did his last movie with him oh you did? I did you they totally

cut my part and I knew that they would. Because when they made me say my line, they put the camera, I'm not kidding, half a block away from me. Like, they were like, you just say it. And I was like, I'm not Mike. They were like, that's fine. Oh, no! They were like, well, she's been waiting all day. We better just do something. Yeah, truly. There was no

boom on me. There was no like... Oh, my God! So what, were they making you ADR later? i clearly was not going to be in the movie they made that decision they made that edit in camera you can't do that that's so mean it was a really unnecessary line but it was like one line and they were like yeah no it's fine you just say it i was like but i see the cameraman's back they were like it's fine just say it i did a shoot with a girl who so it was me the lead of the movie and then this other girl who had one line so it was the three of us uh two in front one in back camera two cameras in front of us and a third camera on her and I don't know how she didn't realize that they had gotten her coverage but uh we were moving on to my coverage. And then we finished it. And then I gave like, you know, three or four different reads.

And they were like, all right, we're moving on. Next set up. And then she was like, wait, do we get my coverage? And they're like, oh, yeah, we got you the first time we rolled. And she went, I would have done so much more. Oh, no. Oh, no. And it was her first anything she was so excited i felt so badly for

her but then i was like you had one line what more were you going to do your reaction i felt so bad and she left sad so sad i had never seen a sadder person in my life oh that's so funny that's incredibly funny and it was also funny because everyone was doing so many things nobody acknowledged that soft whisper of I would have done so much more it was truly brilliant it's so funny I'm hot it's so funny it's it's the I know that that person stayed up but the reason it's so funny is because I've been there and I know that that person stayed out and like probably told everybody

like just wait, this is going to be my big thing. This line. This is going to be my moment. I have one line, but I'm going to pop it. Everyone's going to be saying that one line.

And people are saying things like, you know, but you know, you never know what you can do in one moment. Like if you really see that this could, this really could.

Uh-huh. I've learned now, now I understand camera angles and I, if I'm like oh this is strange what is my what am I frame what is this uh this is your clue okay great uh but also I've just learned as long as I can see the camera I'm gonna just act I'm gonna give you all of what I'm doing yes I can't I also can't fathom being an actor who's like, I'm going to fall asleep in your coverage

because I've heard that. Yeah, I know. I've heard of people that like leave when their coverage is done. Yes. And I'm like, but why?

Yes. But why? Your job isn't done. If nothing else, you can stay and gossip. Yes. And that's really worth a lot. That's worth its weight in gold.

I'm serious. You can stay and gossip. I find out all the stuff I need to know just by hanging around and not talking. Ooh. It really is a good move. I like working with seasoned actors because I still don't feel like I'm at a point where I can be like, we've all been disrespected. Nobody told us what was going on.

And we've just been sequestered in this weird room for three hours and nobody has shot a thing. And you're just like, what is going on? You like whisper what's going on. But like seasoned actors will be like, this is an outrage. How dare you not tell me, the king of acting, what is going on? And then you start to get answers and you're like, this is what I want. Yeah. No, no, no, no.

That's really true. I mean, we're super lucky because on NCIS, it's been going for so long that everybody knows exactly what they're doing. But like when I did an indie film this summer and I was just like, this is weird. Everybody's trying to figure out what's going on. I constantly went to my friend Matt and we were just like, Matt, what's happening? Are we having the same? We had the same thing for lunch every day. No.

It was actually great for me, but everybody else was like what is happening i can't have tuna again tuna tuna like tuna sandwiches well it was like from a small italian place but it was like they really just had paninis so people would be like i guess i'll have the tuna and then the second day they'd be like i guess i'll have the tuna and then the third day they'd be like like I can't have tuna again. I know. But I did. I eat the same sandwich every day that I was on that shoot.

I don't think I could do that. Sure. But maybe I could. Sure you could. Yeah, I probably could. Yeah. I truly eat the same thing in my life all the time. But you know what?

I take a lot of comfort in knowing at least one thing is consistent. I was like far from home and I love to be up under my wife. Like I am truly boring and uninteresting. So knowing that I was responsible for one boring uninteresting choice in my life made it very easy. I was like chicken. Well, it was the Windini Panini,

no bell peppers. Dini Panini, no bell peppers. That's what I want to be. Dini Panini is a very funny name for a sandwich. Windini Panini. Windini Panini. Windini. Like it did make you a little windini, if you know what I mean. It gave you gas. Every day. Girl. But I knew that it was coming. It's part of the consistency. I know what I'm eating and I know when I'm farting.

So you are married. I am. You got married last year? Yes. No, this year. I got married last year. Oh, last year. Okay. But it just started feeling like I got married this year. What changed? I think I had to like, once again, I had to ease into it. Like, I just am a person who has to like really take my time. And I don't like big decisions.

And so this year is the first year I started relaxing about it. Because before, last year, everybody was like, newlyweds, what's it like? Kiss. Where's your ring? Do you wear a ring? I do now. But I don't for the months of July, August, and September. What?

Why? Because it's too hot. Oh. Okay. I know that sounds crazy. What? Does your ring heat up? Burn your little thingy?

No, my fingers swell up. Oh. I got really big just there with that gesture. You can't see it, but I did. My fingers swell up and we shoot the show. And I'm afraid that they'll have to, like, see, I can't get my ring off today. I'm afraid they'll have to cut my ring off. Oh, okay.

That's smart. Is it? Well, yes. You don't want to have your ring cut off. I could just get a bigger ring. you would delay production. They would have to figure out how to cut a ring. Well,

I guess they could just use like wire cutters. They don't, they don't care. Them transpo guys will be like, we got a cutter for you. They would, it would be gone in five seconds. There is no delay on this production.

I love Teamsters. Yes. Because a lot of them are Republicans, but have the most insane views. So one Teamster or Transpo guy was driving me to set. He had a huge gash in his hand and I was like, oh, he's sick. But we were talking and he said something about Trump and I was like, for me, I don't think he's nice. Yeah. So that's my hot take. And he was like, yeah,

I mean, I voted for the guy cause I thought my taxes would go down, but guess what? I've been paying more and I still don't have like, uh, he said, uh, something about like his tax return or something was like lower.

Yeah. It was just him paying more. And then he was like, and you know, I was going to vote for him in his reelection, but he won his reelection. And I was like, Whoa, what alternate universe are you living in that we've already had an election? No, that Teamster just knows.

He can see the future. Also, did you realize that you were basically doing your voice for the Teamster and like a totally different voice for yourself? Well, you know, but Trump is not nice for me. He's just not for me. I don't like him. I like Teamsters. They're always very sweet. They're always very good at their jobs, and they always have great calves.

Oh, yeah, because they're bending down. They're hitching things to trucks and stuff. Oh, if you're listening, you don't know what a Teamster is. Teamster is like the transportation people. Yes. That's the name of their union. The Teamsters. They shut down production on, was it MasterChef or Top Chef?

Probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But of all things Top Chef, they were like, no. It probably because it wasn't union and they wanted to flip it. And then they were like, okay, well, you can't do anything if we don't do anything. You can't do anything. If the Teamsters don't want you to, if they strike, you can't do shit. You can't do a thing.

You really cannot. But that's good. It is good. I am pro-union. It's nice to have, I'm pro-union too. We're in a guild. The union is why I have health insurance. Well, we're in a guild.

Oh, what's the difference? I don't know. Well, oh, I think, doesn't one guarantee you work and the other one does not and that's why we're in a guild? Oh, so unions guarantee you work and then guilds do not?'s some listener right now shaking her like no no that's not right no no okay so how long were you uh dating before you got married oh boy um let me see i think it was five years okay uh my wife is at home right now like, no, wrong, no. I, you know, I'm sweating just thinking about this question.

I'm freaking out. I'm so bad at math. It's okay. There's no wrong answers. No, there is. There is. And your wife knows the correct answer. She does.

I think it was five years. We had, we tried to have a chill wedding, but it's always hard. We actually have a post-it it's still on the fridge um labeled wedding cries and i would just make a little tick mark every time one of us cried over the wedding honestly that's adorable what a fucking treat yeah that's so cute what a fun way to handle stress. Yeah. To be like, uh-oh, someone's crying again. We gotta put a tally on the refrigerator.

That's exactly what I did. Because that would instantly make me smile. That's exactly why I did it. My wife really, around the time that she was actually sobbing, and I was being like, hold on, let me get the pencil. She was like, shut up. She did not like it. But then she came back around.

She came back around. Yeah, that's a bit that you have to come back around to. It really is. We have to take a break. Oh, okay. And now we're back. Wow, wow, wow. What a quick little break.

Okay, so we're talking about crying tallies about the wedding. Yes. I like it. I think it's so fun. I tell anyone who's getting married, I'm like, anything you can do to like not take this thing so seriously. Because it's dumb that it costs so much. It's dumb that you don't get it. I want a tech rehearsal.

I want to practice. I want a tech rehearsal. I do. That's like your rehearsal dinner, right? Oh, you know. But not really. No. It's just a dinner dinner, right? Oh, you know. But not really. No. It's just a dinner.

And everybody's like, you know. Oh, and then you just practice. Yeah, you kind of like walk down the aisle, but it's like there's no practice for the feelings. You know what I mean? It's like if it was a play, I'd have like six weeks of non-paid rehearsal and then I get paid $9 a show. Theater, 99 seat theater in LA theater doesn't pay even though it is so much work did you so much work did you study theater I did yeah yeah yeah I did such a theater did you think when you came out to either LA or New York did you

think like I'm going to be a theater person when I moved to New York I thought I was going to be a theater person. When I moved to New York, I thought I was going to be on Broadway. Yeah. Yep. Truly, I knew I needed to age into the roles I wanted to play. You know your girl was 21, truly trying to play Mama from A Raisin in the Sun. Sure. Sure. Sure. And that's not it.

No. You can't be 21 doing that. There's nothing to be done. I've always wanted to play Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, but there's no way I would ever play Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Actually, I would say that now that you have a TV career, you're much more likely to do so. No. A white person will play Martha? No.

According to his estate? Oh, really? Yeah, because it's a period piece. So in that period if it was like an interracial couple the play would be about that it's weird that writers can just insist certain things like was he also like honey has to be a thin-hipped bitch like every time like that's really dumb yeah probably because she's like young youthful and I mean, that is part of her, where they... Yeah, well, that's disgusting. It's one of those things where I'm like, meh, I get it.

No, I don't. That's good and disgusting, is what I'm gonna say. It really is. It's like, bye, you're gone. I need to like research it to actually make sure that I'm being fully correct about it, but I believe that's what I read. I hope all your listeners write in angry letters to that skate. They're like, no, you're stupid. That's not what it is. But I'm pretty sure

that's what it is. Anyway, Who's a Friend of Virginia Woolf is a three-hour play. Yes. It's so long because I believe it's three acts. I saw it with Bill Irwin. And Kathleen Turner. Yes, yes. Oh, I saw it too. Knocked out of sleep. Really? Immediately asleep.

I loved it. It was not, that theater was too big for that it was very big because it was uh three tiers it was the chandler right it was huge yeah maybe listen incredible actors yes really top to bottom incredible production i could not it was just screaming from afar i was like this is terrible yes how did you meet your wife we met at second city oh yeah we met so hey guys improv gets the ladies it works i mean you're not lying no i've got every improv man or a woman who's into women truly has just a beautiful kiddie pool filled with women who are like, yes, and.

Yes, that is true. I often wonder if these sweatshirt-wearing, poorly-fitted-pans-wearing men were not on a main stage team, if they would ever have anyone to date. I don't think so. No. No, I think it would. And I think that's why a lot of, I've, you know, hooked up a lot of improv boys who have, like, a little bit of anger to them. And I think the anger to them is they grew up with women not wanting to date them.

I do want names. Okay. And then they grow up and then all of a sudden women want to date them because they're funny. And that is a very hard thing to deal with. Get in therapy, improv boys improv boys 100 get into therapy and stop wearing cargo shorts oh ah you know what i think too many people they really hold on to really small things that have happened to them in the past yes as if it's not just part of life yes i'm like failure is part of life and it okay to fail. And everyone's not going to like you. I've got lots of people that do not like me.

Who? Oh, you. Okay. I don't think I know anyone who doesn't like you. I'm just saying, like, in the world. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? I don't mean like.

I don't know everybody in the world who knows you. This isn't a rapper like, I got so many haters. It's like, I'm just saying, like, it's a natural part that everybody's not going to like you. Fair. Speaking of rappers, we'll get back to relationships, but speaking of rappers, have you watched that Cardi B, Chance the Rapper, Snoop Dogg, T.I. show? Not yet.

I enjoyed it. There's one rapper who ended his audition with, murder, murder, murder, murder. And everyone was like, you got a lot of anger, bitch. We're going to pass you along to Hollywood. I was like, why? Because he was going to murder you?

Yeah. It's great. Snoop puffs on a blunt the whole time. Cardi B's like, shimani. But then also she says things that make sense. Do you know how young she is? She's like 27. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't realize that. She's very young. She is. I've just known her so long from the basketball, for the love and the hip hop. Yes, love and hip-hop. I implore anyone who's a fan of Cardi B to go back and watch clips of her on love and hip-hop.

She is funny. She knew what she was doing from the jump. She is so smart. Any bitch who have beef with me gonna have beef with me forever. A hoe never gets cold. Her just like in a bra. She's so funny.

I'm not a hoe. I'm always cold. I'm cold right now at this very moment. I never really get cold. Really? I guess I'm a hoe. You did it. Congratulations.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you meet your wife? Did I ask you that? You did. Second city. Was it in a class? We've talked about this several times my wife and i neither one of us remember being introduced to each other but we

knew of each other for a long time she was dating someone the first moment that i really remember first of all i spent the first year knowing her thinking her name was amanda and very confidently saying hey amanda like in the hallway and And she never corrected me. So that's her fault. That's on her. That's really funny. When did you discover that her name was not Amanda? Once again, don't know. But I do remember being like, you look like an Amanda. I've said to her several times.

I'm like, you do look like an Amanda. I almost wrote it in my vows, but I thought it would be too much. And the first like moment. It would be too much in front of your friends and family you look like an amanda you know what okay so side story yes i had not met her parents before the wedding whoa really yeah no i know it was really a choice that i went through and even though we had dated for so long, I just never met them. And we had to call her parents to get a copy of, like, her mother's birth certificate because she's not born in this country for our wedding marriage certificate.

Patricia's middle name is – oh, God. I'm going to mess this up. Patricia's middle name – I started the story and then didn't know how to finish it. Her middle name is Marie. Do you know your wife? Have you met her more than once? I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm not sure.

I keep her in a closet. Her name is Patricia Marie Teresa. But I think it should be Patricia Maria Teresa. I think it might be Teresa. Actually, I'm not sure what her middle name is. Oh, no. This is perfect. This is really unraveling very quickly.

I love you, baby. I love you. Don't worry, baby. Just don't tell her you're on this podcast. She knows. She knows I'm here right now. Okay. But I have been telling her that her name should be Maria.

And she's like, I'm named after my mom. And also, that's not my name. And I've been saying for years like, okay, maybe it is. We get her mother's birth certificate. Her mother's name is Maria. And she has been lying for years about what her name is. That's very funny. Is it? After all those twists and turns, is it? Yeah, I like it. Because her name should be Maria because that is her mother's name. So you were inherently right. That is the point that I want everyone to get. You truly were right. That's great. Still not sure what her name should be Maria because that is her mother's name. So you were inherently right. That is the point that I want everyone to get. That's great.

Still not sure what her name is. Let her out of your closet. No. So may I ask about not meeting her parents till the wedding day? You don't have to answer. I don't like flying. That's what it is.

Really? That's it? That's what it is. I don't like flying. And if I don't have to, I won't. But they couldn't fly here to meet you? Her dad owns a barbecue restaurant. Okay.

And so it is pretty much him. He runs the smoker. Oh, okay. So it's a one-man show. He just can't get away from it. Yeah. Fair. Yeah.

So, and her mom doesn't really fly by herself anymore. So it was just one of those things where it was like nobody could really leave. Fair. But I talked, I did FaceTime at least twice. fly by herself anymore. So it was just one of those things where it was like nobody could really leave. Fair. But I talked, I did FaceTime at least twice and yeah. The face you made!

Because it was, because it put way too much pressure on the wedding. Oh, yes. To be like, oh, I'm meeting you for the first time two days before we get married.

And I'm marrying your daughter. And it was, I mean, the wedding was, and I love everybody involved, the wedding was a shit show. It really was. Why was it a shit show? Because a tornado hit New York right before, right as they were leaving. It scrambled all the flights.

And his business, of course, was affected. And he was like, I don't know if I can go. Everything's, all the meat, all my meat is rotten. And like, I think I have to stay and try to recoup some of this loss. I got rear-ended the day before the wedding oh my god 15 we had lost two venues like right before the wedding uh how do you lose a venue they were like no thanks yeah they were like did you like put a deposit down yeah they were like here you go what it's back what yeah that's wild it really was so we had so all that happened um and then 15 minutes before the wedding i had actually told my brides because i was trying to like have this fun like it's casual i was like let's just meet at like the mexican restaurant

across the street i'll buy everybody chips and shots and margaritas and then we'll then i'll know you know everybody's here so i've had like you know a couple shots of, boy, didn't even feel them going down. And I'm a lightweight, you know, like went down like water. It was really a thing. Uh, I get there and her mother is laying in the parking lot of the venue. Uh, and it's like, I think I broke my wrist. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had fallen. Oh no. And we only had 15 minutes before the ceremony to set up the entire ceremony space. And I spent all of that being like, let's cancel the wedding. Oh, no. And her sister, who is a doctor, Bridget, I love you, but boy, her sister's a nurse.

Boy, this was really a moment. Her sister was so frustrated. She was like, it's not broken. She's being such a fucking bitch about this and i was like i think it's broken oh my god what a wild ride to to a wedding yeah yeah fast forward it was broken um okay uh so yeah we had wedding crashers you had wedding crashers we had wedding crashers how did you find out you? We had wedding crashers. How did you find out? Because you were like, nobody knows these people.

Because my friends were like, who showed up to your wedding in a tube top and a trucker hat? They are in all our photos. They tried to catch the bouquet. They got kicked out twice and came back. How many people were there? There were three of them. That's really funny. I'm like, you owe me 30 a plate like we're gonna crash a wedding in a tube top and a trucker hat it was truly like

i had actually where did you get married where on earth did you fucking get married they i don't want to say that i don't want to you don't have to say the venue just the city i got married in los angeles i'm only not saying the venue because they actually they handled it the best they could and i really appreciate the venue's handling of it. But it was like they are I have them all in my photo booth photos. I truly am tempted every anniversary to put them on Instagram. I made just the second anniversary. I think you should.

That's very funny. Be like, who are you? Who are these people who crashed my fucking wedding? Well, one day I'm going to find one day I do say I'm going to find out who they are and I'm going to show crashed my fucking wedding well one day i'm going to find one day i do say i'm going to find out who they are and i'm going to show up at their wedding yes and i'm going to be like you gotta buy at least give me a drink yes i don't care where the wedding is give me food give me drink let me in your fucking wet that's so funny so you see why i was like oh and my wedding dress didn't fit like because I was trying to be the cool chill

bride and I was like I don't need a fitting wait so you just straight up bought a dress off the rack I bought a dress offline I tried to dress off asos okay yeah I bought a prom dress from asos so what did you wear if it didn't fit I did did not eat for the, I tried it on. You're supposed to do a fetting like a month before. Yes. And I waited until the week before. And I am not kidding when I was like, oh, I'm just, I guess I'm just drinking juice all week. It was very unhealthy.

But at that point, I was also so stressed out. I think I just sweat all, like, any extra water weight I had. It was gone. So the dress did fit. Ish. Oh, my gosh. Ish. It was rough. It was gone. So the dress did fit. Ish. Oh my gosh. Ish. It was rough.

It was rough. I was in a lot of pain. This wedding is my favorite wedding I've ever heard. Afterwards, my wife, the next morning, I got so,

I was so done that at the reception, I just started doing shots with everybody. I got, they were like, okay, no more shots for you.

And the next, you got cut off at your own wedding. I don't drink. I don't drink. It takes one shot and then they were like, okay, no more shots for you. And the next, you got cut off at your own wedding. I don't drink. I don't drink. It takes one shot and then I'm like, bleh.

But the next morning, my wife was like, good morning. I was like, good morning. I woke up all happy, like happy I wasn't hungover. She was like,

I have one question. Who's Brandy? I was like, who? She was like, you, when I put you to bed, kept saying get off me brandy were you talking about brandy norwood no i was not who's brandy well that as i told her panicked i

was like listen listen i'm serious the only thing i can think of is we had a dog growing up named brandy and that's that's all i could think of wait is that real that is real and the reason and she she looked at me with that look like where she looked deep into my soul and she was like the only reason i'm accepting this is because you also called me the cat's name several times that's really funny is it it's really really funny i don't know my wedding night your wife would have put you to bed yes you called her a cat's name and a dog yes correct and then woke up the happiest you've ever woken up i was so happy oh well are you still drunk no you know i don't well that's the thing i really don't drink at all and so i was trying to keep up with

my wife's family and they don't do shots. They'll drink beer, but they're like, they were like, OK, this girl is crazy. They were trying to keep up with me and I was trying to keep up with them and they were fine. And but they were six of them. So you can do the math. Oh, boy. What a real treat. What a mess.

I'm never such a mess. I was stressed out. I mean, yes, planning a wedding is very, very hard. It's but it shouldn't be. It's a mess. I'm never such a mess. I was stressed out. I mean, yes. Planning a wedding is very, very hard. But it shouldn't be. It's a party. Yeah. It's an expensive party. It's a very expensive party.

But then you have to find the venue. Then you have to find like a vendor for flowers. Then you have to find a liquor person. It's a lot. If I could go back and redo it, I wouldn't necessarily. No, I would change everything. I would just pay somebody and i'd just be like this is the date we want um this is the amount of money please plan it

and what you do is fine what you do is fine i don't care but what if they did it like a gothy with dragons and stuff right really have you seen the crazy bitch Bride? No. What is that? There's a woman that walks down the aisle singing, like, singing Crazy Bitch by Buck Cherry and, like, dropping it low and going like, hey, yo, crazy bitch, but so good I'm on top of it. And, like, it's great. And the camera and, like, you're looking at the guests and, like, the guests are, like, covering children's ears and, like, people are, like, whispering and, like, freaking out. And the camera pans over to the groom and he is wearing a rhinestone bandana and jamming.

He's so happy. These two people found each other. I mean, that's all I want. I want to do some weird shit at my wedding. Do it. Get her to plan your wedding. That's what I would do. I'll get the crazy.

What's her name? Crazy bitch. She's listed online as the crazy bitch bride. The crazy bitch bride. I'll get her to play my wedding. What is the weirdest thing you want at your wedding? I mean, all of my male bridesmaids will have to be in drag. Oh, I remember you told Echo that.

I have listened to it. If you want to be in it, you have to do it. I'm sorry. Does John know this? He claims he's not going to do it. He's going to do it. But he has to do it. Does John know this? He claims he's not going to do it. He's going to do it. But he has to do it. Tell him he can wear one of his sketch wigs.

If I tell him he can do a sketch at my wedding, he'll do anything I ask him to do. There's nothing more that he would love more than putting a bucket on his feet and stomping around doing whatever character. I got a question. Yeah. What is Sasheer doing? What do you mean? Right now you mean right now no oh yeah you can get tacos right now really what kind uh from a place over by where she lives okay or at least when i spoke to her this morning that's what she was doing but now it's afternoon time so maybe she's digested them and she's sitting maybe i meant like at the wedding because you said male.

How embarrassing. Oh, boy. This reminds me of, okay, this man was doing a magic trick. I was at work and the AD does magic. And I was like, please, trailer, do a magic trick. So he tells me to pick a card. I look at it. And then he goes, hand it back to me.

I hand it back to him. He goes, tell me what the card is, but lie about it. So I went, okay, it's a pig. He goes, what? He meant lie about the sweet and the number. And I thought he just meant lie. And we were around other people. And everyone started laughing at me.

And then I went, oh, was that not what you meant? He was like, no, it's not what I meant at all. Oh, it was a very embarrassing moment. That really just brought me back there. What's the cheer doing? Let's get tacos. I did think it was strange that you wanted to know what she was doing right now. But like I knew, so I told you. Oh, boy.

I mean, I went with you. I was like, okay, where are these tacos from? I don't know what she's doing for her wedding. I would assume maybe a destination wedding. I know it would probably be a small wedding. I don't think she wants to make a spectacle of it the way I want to make a spectacle of my wedding. I think I would be a bridesmaid.

Cool. Once again, I meant at your wedding. Oh, no! We're talking about your wedding? This is so hard. I can't believe. I can't believe. Oh, no!

I'm killing you. I'm killing you with my dumbness. I can't believe it happened twice in a row. Oh, boy. I'm going to make her wear. Don't tell me now. I can never know. Yeah, you'll never know.

Am I funny? No, don't tell me now. I can never know. Yeah, you'll never know. No, she's got to wear a big, dumb, poofy dress and wear a lot of makeup that she's not going to be happy in. I think the whole premise of my wedding will be making people do anything they've never wanted to do. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah.

Oh, God. Again, I mean, you're... Boy. Well. How long have we known each other? I've been out here for six years, but I don't think I met you, or seven years. But I think I met you maybe a year into me living here, so like six years. I think that's about right.

Yeah. That's about right. Because I think I saw, I know I saw a new money show before I knew you, and before I knew John. And I was like, she's so funny. Who is she? Thank you. But I think I met you backstage at a, I'm trying to think new money show before I knew you and before I knew John. And I was like, she's so funny. Who is she? But I think I met you backstage at a, I'm trying to think of what show it was. You were coming off of an improv show. I remember being like, hi.

And you were like, hello. It might have been Herald Night. Maybe. But I mean, I just got in your way. Like I just stepped directly into your path. Which is fine. It's nice. I never knew how to articulate how happy i was when i saw

other black women at the theater uh-huh it's a hard thing to articulate to be like i'm happy you're here it's like what but in hindsight i think i should have just been saying that i think it would have maybe been nice for people to hear that's nice well you still can i guess so you still can because you still do Benetton. Am I saying that wrong? Benetton? Yeah, no, I said it. Benetton. Benetton. That's what I was wondering. Is it like United Colors of? Yes. I don't do it as often.

Well, they had to take me off the page because I could never make it to shows. You're busy. So I don't really do that one. But the one I try to do the most is Search History on now Tuesday nights at 9.30 at UCB Franklin. But it's hard. It's hard to if you're working all day and then you're

like, well, I got an early call time. I could just bounce out for a half hour and do the show, but I'm so tired. Do you still perform at the theater? Not really, right? Not really. You know, it was really Bombardier that I was doing. Bombardier was my mod team, which is a sketch show.

And mod is a sketch team. Yes, yes, yes. Explain it to the people who do not know because it's a lot. That's fair. It's Harold for improv and mod for sketch, like pre-written skits, as we call them in the Midwest. Yeah, little skits. Little skits. But now I'm not really, but now that I'm not performing it with that sketch show anymore, it is hard, you know?

Yeah. And it's a great place to be. Like, I still do love UCB, but it's, you know, you only have so much time in the day. Correct. Do you miss performing live? Yes. Yes. That is, I thought, back to, looping back to our conversation, I thought I was going to be a serious theater performer.

I thought I was going to be doing the Shakespeare and the Chekhov. Yes. So much Chekhov did I think I would be doing. I thought I was going to be doing a lot of Shakespeare. Yeah. But there's truly not very many parts for me in Shakespeare, except for being like a nurse. Correct. Remember when it seemed like we would really need character shoes?

They made us buy character shoes and leotards and stuff so i know how to introduce myself at a cattle call i have never been to a cattle call when why would you want and now looking back on it why would you want it i don't know if you don't know what a cattle call is it's just an open call where any old person with a delusion who believes they can book this part goes in and you stand in a line and you step forward you're like nicole byer and i'm from new jersey and then you do whatever dance they've asked you to do or sigasaw or whatever and character shoes are the ugliest heels they're like mary janes but like with a thick short stumpy heel and a round almond toe. Yeah, it's, you can't, they're $80.

You can't wear them anywhere except to like theater things. You can only wear them inside. Yeah, they're terrible. They're bad. Some of them have a T-strap. Oh gosh. Yeah, they're so, and they only come in like black and white people color. Yes, correct.

They do not come in brown. Correct. Which is insane. But also it's like, why would I want my foot to look like that? Like, I don't really need that particular nude. I need it to look like I don't have shoes on. It's like a little bit of a hoof. It is a little bit like a hoof.

It's, yeah. You went to theater school. I did. I went to CalArts. I got my master's. Oh, so you're a master actor. Oh, yes. I was in a college professor um i told allison

rich that she was like yeah of improv the most cutting remark i've ever had in my life i've never gotten it oh that's very funny it was true did you date a lot when you were in theater school no no i mean i did so i always was kind of like wanting to. But you know how it is when you're in theater school. You're like, but I've got to concentrate on my lines. I got to concentrate on myself. I got to learn these lines and I got to wake up early and maybe do some yoga. Yeah. Go to my clowning class, which I use all the time. No, I didn't so much. I was too busy wondering why I was always getting all the Varya roles in Chekhov. Once again, really thought Chekhov was going to play a bigger part in my life than it was.

I tried to pitch for a while. I tried to pitch like a TV pilot that I was like, it's like a play on three sisters, you know? And people were like, uh-huh. No, thank you. Like, you know, that light comedic show where three women want to leave rural Russia and don't. And we're all black. Yeah. And it's called Sisters.

It'll be on Fox. Three Sisters. Honestly, so am I by that. Honestly, no. Honestly, no one did. I definitely dropped it in a couple of generals and they're like, sure. Okay. Thank you.

Are you a serial monogamist or were you single for a while before you met your wife i'm a serial trying to impress someone does that make sense hell yeah yeah so i i didn't necessarily have a lot of relationship but i was always i got really incredible seats to a baseball game once for a woman who did not show up to the game um it was like supposed to be me and her and all my friends and i got i mean when i say incredible seats i mean they were right like you know left field i don't exactly know but they were close anything about baseball and everybody was like these are incredible what did you do and i had had to go through like a you know stub hub to like a craigslist to like I sold some stuff.

And I got like these $7 tickets and it was what a mess. But you know what? Great game. Great game. Who won? Poo holes. Albert Poo holes and the Cardinals. Who the Poo holes?

Albert Poo holes. Poo holes. Wait, what? You know for the Cardinals? He's a baseball player. Wait, what? He's a baseball player. He's really good. Oh, I thought the name of the team was the Pool Holes.

No. And I was like, oh, I got to get into baseball. These are some wild ass names. Oh, go Pool Holes. I got to get into this. I could be, now I feel like maybe I'm saying his name wrong. No, it's fine. Have you ever been on dating apps or did you miss that completely?

You must have. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Okay. dating apps or did you miss that completely you know no no oh no no no no no no okay me and all the other um queeros were on we're on um okay cupid ah i was gonna say plenty and fish but it was okay cupid i went on a date with a woman who came to my house because we were gonna watch a movie and i made her a pizza and she immediately when she got there, she was like, can I lay down in your bed?

And I said, yes. Oh, no. And she slept. What? She slept the whole time. What? She did not wake up. What?

She, I, like, came and I was like, the pizza's ready. She was like, that's okay. Went back to sleep. That's okay. And I put the movie on thinking, like sound would wake her up and it did not. And I sat and watched. It was grownups. I had gotten grownups on DVD.

Honestly, shame on you. Yeah. Yeah. It was a bad night. It was a bad night. And when the movie was over, she woke up and said, I guess I should go and left. What? And never called me again.

What? Deona. Yes. Your life. This is funny. You used to have a date with a woman who was like, I've got to get some rest. Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

So she left wherever she was to lay in your bed to catch up on sleep. She immediately, I mean, as soon as I opened the door and I was like, hi, like the first words out of her mouth were, can I lay in your bed? That's insane. It was. But at the time I had a studio apartment. And so I was like, I guess there's not really anywhere else to sit. So did you sit on the bed while she slept? I pulled up my like office chair.

It was really rough. I like tried to set it up so it was like a couch too. So because I was like, I didn't want to be. It was really rough. I, like, tried to set it up so it was, like, a couch, too. Uh-huh. So, because I was, like, I didn't want to be weird or make it seem presumptuous. She, like, threw all that, like, pillows, like, on the ground and, like, got starfish comfy in my bed. That's... Is that the worst date you've been on? No.

That was a carny. I don't know. What's the worst date you've been on? The worst date. I mean, I was a carny, so I... Wait, what? Oh, yeah. You didn't know that? No. I was a carny what's the worst date you've been on the worst date i mean i was a carny so i what oh yeah you didn't know that no i was a carny you were in a carnival yeah what did you do in the carnival i ran a booth at um at oz fest in the village of the damned um i was a carny yeah i had a game joint this is insane i did not know this yeah a dart game you ran a dart game

yeah at Ozfest yes one dart for five three for ten pop a balloon find a star win a prize but that was once a year

that was just once I just did that once oh okay once a year so you claim being a carny for once a year listen

if you have done it if you have done it you truly know I don't like ride jocks now ride jocks now. Ride jocks? Those are the people that run the rides. They run the rides.

Listen. Why don't you like the ride jocks? Because you know what? They think they're better than us. They think they're better than us jointies. But let me tell you, it takes a lot of skill. It takes people skills. Okay.

Okay. The rides practically run themselves. Okay. Oh, boy. I like you so much. Thank you. skill it takes people skills okay okay the rides practically run themselves okay oh boy i like you so much thank you okay i can't even remember the question i asked you marissa do you remember the question? So you were a carny for a summer. Yeah. Oh, your worst date.

Oh, yeah. That's what it was. I just I went on some bad like dates when I was like in one city. And I was just like, you know, I'd meet somebody at the booth. We got a date. Like you want to date a carny? Kind of like kind of you can. It's very easy to pick people up.

How do you hit on people? Me? Or how would you have in the past? Gosh, you know, it's been so long. I'm in such a good relationship. Oh, no. That sounded so insincere. And you said it with such a big smile on your face.

Because I have no game. I have no game is what i was what i was trying to hide i mean you have game because you called your wife the wrong name for at least a year and then she was like of course i'll marry you and you know i could and you know can i tell you about our proposal please so i was so she was very clear in what she did not want but she never told me what she did want and she wanted a ring um from macy's she had she had gone and she macy's where you get your rings we get everything from macy's they need to give me a sponsorship my wedding rings from macy's hers our bed we got our couch from there i get everything from macy's it's my one-stop shop this is insane nobody's ever been

in a macy's in 2019 not one person has set foot in a Macy's. We go to the, I'm going to be honest, we go to the same Macy's every Sunday and we have it for a month. Did you go to Macy's this Sunday?

No, but we're going to go. We might, this is the one time we're not going. We have a, we've made friends with the furniture people. He sent us

the furniture guy that we had. I'm not going to give his name because I don't want to get in trouble. But when we bought our couch, he sent with us these handmade leather keychains that he made. I'm not going to give his name because I don't want to get in trouble. But when we bought our couch, he sent with us these handmade leather keychains that he made. What?

We've been following his career. I got him into acting. He's doing extra work now. I'm serious. You are fostering the people. You're like trying to get the people out of Macy's. Yes. Which doesn't make sense because you love going to Macy's. Because now we talk about so much. We talk

about some of the background work he's done and he's thinking of taking some classes he's your friend yes okay he's not I still have we still have the keychains okay he personalized them with our favorite colors he asked us our favorite colors this do you like go to dinner with him that's a a good idea. I should invite him. I don't know. Please don't. I was trying to see if we could get him on the show. I actually asked my wife. I was like, do you think it would be weird if I asked the showrunner if they have any?

He's just getting into it. It would fully be weird to ask your showrunner. Hey, this man I met in Macy's who sold me my couch and sent me personalized keychains. He's really getting into extra work. So could we put him on the show? But I mean, just for a day. Don't ask your showrunner. Ask your UPM.

Okay. That's a good idea. I will ask. Yeah. Because then you don't want your showrunner to be like, I think we heard of him. Crazy person. Your UPM is stuck in the office all day. He'll be like delighted by this weird question.

I know. I know. It's so weird. But you know what? It's's one of those things i don't know if you felt this i didn't grow up in a showbiz family at all no so this is all very magical and like way more than i ever thought i would be doing so to be able to give that to someone who's like i just want a shot you know like he's he's so happy you know and'm like... That's really sweet and very kind of you. And you're like, and very wrong. The look on your face is like, and very wrong.

He might not be a crazy person. No, he's not. He's not. I've talked to him. Okay. I just truly am of the school of no good deed goes unpunished. That is true. I tried to do a solid for some people that has ended up really biting me in the ass with the amount of emails this person thought was appropriate to send.

I really want to hear about this after the show. I'll tell you. Okay. And then I didn't learn from that and I tried to do something else for a person and oh boy. Oh yeah. It's just, so I'm, I will send one email on someone's behalf and that's as much as I can do. Yeah, I get a little too involved. I you're like yes you do it's like the boys and girls club and this is your person oh this is your little brother yeah yeah yeah I get a I get excited I get excited and then

I oh no I won't tell that story okay um may I ask yes um hmm oh the proposal yes so um you're good at staying on track no it's also not after i take us off track like 30 minutes um so i had the ring and i we went out to dinner and i was going to propose at dinner but kristin bell was there um and she was there and there was no one else in the restaurant but us and Kristen Bell and her kids. And I was really afraid that if I proposed that Kristen Bell would start crying, it would become a thing. And so I didn't do it. And because she had been very clear that she did not want a public proposal. And I was like, it'll be a thing. that she did not want a public proposal.

And I was like, it'll be a thing. And so I was home and I felt really bad because I was really looking forward to it. So when we were in the living room, I was like, tell me what kind of ring you want. And she got really annoyed. And there was a Macy's coupon. Once again, we love Macy's. There was a Macy's coupon on the desk

where she was sitting. She was like, you know the ring I want. Here's a coupon. And I was like, and I took the coupon and I fake proposed to her with a coupon. And she was like you know the ring I want here's a coupon and I was like and I and I took the coupon and I fake proposed to her with a coupon and she was like uh-huh and then I pulled the ring the exact one she wanted out and said the same words and then um she said yes and she hugged me and I said your face is wet are you sweating and she said no I'm crying your face is wet. Are you sweating? And she said, no, I'm crying. Your face is wet.

Are you sweating? What a weird sentence to ask anybody at any point. Your face is wet. You sweating? I was so nervous. I thought she was nervous too. Your face is wet You sweating? Yeah

I love that Honestly I like that proposal More than the restaurant proposal Oh good Because it has a thing That you guys like Macy's

Yeah Yes it Oh it really does I would love to get A sponsorship from them One day You won't They're going under.

Oh. But they're always doing. E-commerce is where it's at. You know what, though? But look at Topshop. What happened with Topshop? Top man in clothes. Oh, yeah, you're right.

So what are we looking at at Topshop? Boy, I was wrong. Boy, I got that wrong. I used that as my example. Yeah, Macy's needs to get in the e-commerce game. You know, they've got a great, you know, their website. It's not great. But they have good filters.

Like, if you're really looking for something and you really try to filter it well, you cannot. They put their coupons right online. Who does that? No one does that. Who knew I was sitting here with a Macy's stand? I mean, truly, that is very funny that you love Macy's as much as you do. I'll be totally honest. I'm only here

as a representative for Macy's. They are paying me to play. What a long con for Macy's. I'm not even really an actor. They sent me to grad school. You're like, I'm not even on NCIS. I just take pictures on set and talk about Macy's.

This is a fever dream. That's very funny. Okay. Well, we've come to the end. I always ask my guests this. I've missed it two, three times. But usually I get it. Would you date me?

Were I not married? Yes. Hey, what a treat. Yeah. Wait, are you gay? No. It hasn't stopped me before okay okay no i'm not gay but also not fully straight because i have slept with women um and then i'm not actively seeking a woman but i've been enamored with women oh we're great uh yes and if i were I would date one.

Let's just say gender is not a stopping point for me. I don't mind what genitalia you have. I don't mind how you identify. Great. As long as there's a connection, I'm here. Great. When did you come out? Is that an annoying question? I'm sure it is.

It's not annoying. I think it's just not as fun as people think they are because you know because like it's like 13 i don't know it's just like i always find it very interesting that in queer stories coming out is a huge focal point where there's a comic who had a really great joke about uh i can't remember his name but he's like i just want to see a jason statham movie where like he saves the world and then in the last five minutes fucks a dude so hard and there's a woman in the corner going excuse me he's like not you i'm not doing the joke justice but it was very funny and i was like yeah there is no gay action movie where the person isn't overly you know gay yeah that's not

the focal point like people could just be gay it's so interesting that it's 2019 and we don't have that well if when you come out you still have to do everything else like you still have to like come out and then like pick up your dry cleaning and like you know what I mean like get your steps for the day and it's not that interesting that's why I'm like I guess it's a little bit like when did you it's a little bit like the question, like, when did you fully come into your actual shoe size? When did your foot stop growing? I would say I accepted my shoe size last year. Really?

I'm an 11 or a 12 and I was cramming my feet into a 10. So I had to come out of the closet and say, you got big old dolls. Nope, not the same thing. Are you sure? I am. Are you sure me accepting my shoe size is not people accepting their sexuality and telling people i was so ashamed of being an 11 or 12 i would tell no one i would sit in my closet and i would cry and say why won't these shoes fit it's the same thing it took you saying well you got big

old dogs do you do you really wear an 11 or 12 is it is 12? Is it the width that makes it sometimes a 12? It's everything. I have fat feet and long feet. I only ask because I used to be very good at guessing people's shoe size. I used to sell shoes. What size did you think I was? I didn't look because I didn't think to look. But I was like, yeah, that's right.

Do you still wear heels a lot? Yes and no. I wear a lot more sneakers.-huh heels are hard yes they are i used to wear heels a lot and then i stopped wearing heels when i gained weight uh because it's hard to have a very big body on some little heels yeah that's fair dangerous but also it's like the the floors are not built for yeah store heel. Yeah, sidewalks aren't built for heels. No. Whenever I see a woman walking on these cracked fucking sidewalks with tree branches and they don't fall down, I'm like, what are you, a fucking, you Harry Potter?

No. Who are you? You Hermione? That's Harry Potter to Hermione. You Ron? That's the three. You Draco Malfoy? What's up?

Can I say something? Ron sucks. Ron is kind of boring. Yeah, boring and like toxic masculinity embodied. You know, like, no thanks. Wait, you think he's a part of toxic masculinity? He's always getting into a fight if somebody says anything about him. He's like, I'm not poor.

It's like, nobody said that. But it's like you are poor. I mean, I didn't grow up. I didn't grow up middle class. I grew up lower class. And I'm not constantly trying to beat up everybody. I'm like. Maybe you should.

Maybe. I grew up. You just grew up. You're like, I grew up. I just grew up. I just was. I just appeared. Do you have anything that you want to promote?

Oh, yes. Actually, I do. I'd like to promote NCIS on Tuesday nights. Nicole's giving me such a look. AVM on CBS. I play Casey Hines, the forensic scientist. I love it. And you're great and you're wonderful.

You're so funny. I'm so happy that you, because I tried to get you earlier, but then you had tickets to the theater. Yes. Which is the text you sent and it made me laugh. Because you were like, we have tickets to the theater.

I was like, oh, I didn't know that I was talking to my old timey friend from the 50s i and i'm trying to think of what show was it i think it might have been dear evan hansen was it around thanksgiving oh maybe i don't remember now that was a show i didn't see it now that was a show you didn't see it no we had to go out of town i like that you you said, now that was a show. I didn't see it. Because what a turn. That is a show. It means you saw it and you loved it. Nope.

Missed it. You're very fun. Tell them I missed it. Okay. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it five stars. You can subscribe on iTunes or whatever. And if you send me something nasty hitting on me i

will read it out loud this nice friend sent me a dm that said hey hi hello this is for the podcast i want to lick your clit till it's so pruney it looks like a red juicy cranberry then i want to slurp off that creamy sweet clitberry and extract your pussberry juices with a funnel. Put it in a Tupperware container and bake a cranberry pie with it. I have little experience baking, so it will probably be a store-bought mix. But your clitberry cream will be the secret ingredient. And then we can feed it to people and giggle about our little secret together. Oh, my God.

This is like a Sweeney Todd situation. And instead of dead people, it's just my fucking pussy juice. Yes. I have to say, I'm concerned that once you've extracted all the juice, you won't be able to use it anymore. So this seems like a one-time thing. Yes. Maybe short-term thinking, you know? Yeah.

We're only going gonna make one pie? Yeah, only one I guess we're gonna go to one dinner party and serve it to our friends. Well, that's, and that's no fun for you, ultimately.

I would be so upset to watch my friends eat my pussy juice pies. I would too. Hey, friend, this one was, this one was fun, but maybe not great.

The worst one I got, I've mentioned it so many times this person wanted to flip me upside down and fill my vagina with clam chowder and then eat it your eyebrows are truly in your hair dancing i mean dancing up okay thank you. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.