Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Acid Tripping (w/ Bowen Yang)

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

Actor and comedian Bowen Yang (SNL) is just as fiercely single as Nicole. They talk about the struggles of singledom, the crazy current news cycles, their acid tripping experiences, and Bowen shares dating advice he received from Adam Sandler. Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

🎵 Why Won't You Date Me 🎵 Please tell me why! 🎵 Why Won't You Date Me 🎵 Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though I could have a fresh new weave in and you could push me into a pool and I'd say, ha ha ha, I love wasting money. My guest today, oh, you know him from SNL.

You know him from Broad City, High Maintenance. Awkwafina is Nora from Queens. Unbreakable, Kimmy Schmidt. Also hosts a podcast called Las Culturistas. Ooh, ooh, it's Bowen Yang. Wow. Hi, Nicole Byer. Hi, hi, hi. How are you?

I'm okay. I am fresh off of, and I truly just think this is coincidental and it's such wonderful timing. I just finished A 90 Day Fiance before the 90 Days tell-all. Okay. So I was just very excited. And then I was like, oh, I'm talking to Nicole tomorrow. And so this just feels very synergistic. Yeah. Yes, I think it is. That's a good word.

Synergistic? I mean, I don't think it's the right word for this. I don't think there's... Synergy just feels like corporate to me now, I guess. Sure. I just mean it's like wonderfully... What's the word? Oh, my God.

Wait, I know it. Fortuitous, perhaps. Yes. Okay, fortuitous. Another word that's like, maybe I know what it means maybe i don't and who cares if either of us do oh who gives a shit so wait this was before the 90 days who were the couples so this was i should say that um for the longest time i have been very intimidated

by the entire empire that is 90 Day Fiancé. It's a lot. It's a lot, but I feel like this was the year to kind of just cherry pick, do your little, your tasting menu. But I remember watching season two as it was airing, so that was the first season with Darcy and Angela, I think. I love, love Darcy. Love Darcy.

So then I just finished season three, where it was the second Darcy and Angela season. Darcy and Tom and Angela and Michael's second, like sort of redux. And you had Avery and Omar and you had Rebecca. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's the classic Caesar season. You know, Caesar is perfect.

Caesar is incredible. Caesar meditates before riding his bike to the nail salon. And if you don't know what we're talking about, you have to get into it. You really do. So when they're promoting the Discovery Plus app, they're like the whole 90 Day Fiance universe. And I was like, is this like Marvel now?

Can I say that the tell-all was truly mind-blowing for me? I mean, it's the only one that I've seen. I didn't finish season two, so this season three tell-all, it felt like an Avengers moment where I was like, oh, they're interacting with each other. They're all in the same room. This is crazy. Yeah, I mean, one of my favorite spinoffs from 90 Day Fiancé

is the family Chantelelle people sleep on the family chantelle but in the second season pedro chantelle's husband's mother uh no yeah so pedro's mother chases a man in a park trying to hit him with her purse and he yells back what are you doing you're a good christian woman and i was like you guys don't understand this this is funnier than what anybody could write in the writer's room yes absolutely wait what is can you describe i don't i don't know what the family chantel is okay so chantel and pedro i believe are season three or four of 90 day fiance they have a very tumultuous relationship chantel's family thinks Pedro's family

is just fishing to find someone to come to America. And her mother, Karen, is a woman who says things like, that really made me upset to the power. And then you're like, what power? What are you talking about? She's got all these little isms that never make any sense. She's got a victory garden, a koi pond, and she's iconic in her own way.

I think everyone named Karen is iconic. Karen from Potomac is iconic. Do you watch Potomac? I do watch Potomac. Karen, beyond my wildest expectations, came out as my favorite this season. I did not care for her in seasons past. This season, something clicked. I think it was when she returned to her farm to her family farm

that i was like oh we're getting the origin story and this is actually so sympathetic um that i love her now and i'm and just the way giselle got walloped at the reunion i was like this is her just desserts i was like this is so humiliating i've never seen someone this humiliated at a reunion. Receipts that are her ex-husband's, not really her boyfriend. Andy Cohen was like, let's all talk about how we hate Giselle's fashion. And everyone was like, yes, it's bad. And Giselle just had to take it.

The cutaways to her just looking fully flabbergasted and just like, she's like, I don't know. There were moments where you were like, Oh, she doesn't know how to respond to this. And which you never expect from Giselle. She, she usually has like some,

some quippy thing to say, but like she really was speechless and it was exquisite. She spent years, years just like getting in on Karen being like, is your fragrance real? You don't care to look at these smells for your fragrance right and then you know LaDame is thriving I have a bottle do I like it no I

bought it you know so like I gave Karen her money and then every hue where's every hue it's not everyone's hue where's every hue I mean I'm a fragrance person and I'm this close to pulling the trigger on LaDame I should just do it right give Karen money for my tableau of scents, yeah.

Yeah, I will say, it's a little heavy. It's heavy. It's a heavy fragrance for a woman who wants to walk in the room and dominate the room. That's Karen. That's Karen, baby. Yes, it is. It's Karen in a bottle.

Who are some other iconic Karens? Let's see I mean just those two for me Carpenter Yeah Truly just those two I don't know anyone else named Karen Karen

Karen from Babysitter's Club Sure I blurted out Karen Carpenter earlier Another icon Who's Karen Carpenter? From the Carpenters Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Yesterday once more You don't know Karen Carpenter earlier. Another icon. Who's Karen Carpenter? From the Carpenters. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Yesterday once more.

You don't know Karen Carpenter? That's fine. Don't worry about it. I don't think so. That's okay. Wait, it's a song? She's a songer? She's a singer?

A songer is what I just said. She's a songer. She's a songer. She's a songstress. Okay. It was her and her brother. They were like kind of the white stripes of their time. Okay.

Where you had like one like silent sibling who didn't sing and then the other one was the vocalist um but she there are books that are written about her as being like the like east asian immigrant i mean people in asia love her because she she like popped off around the time when Nixon reached out to China and Western culture started to seep into East Asia. So people love Karen Carpenter. Is this interesting? I can't tell.

I don't know. I'm interested. I'm learning about Karen Carpenter. I'll never say who's that again. Here's a question. On SNL, you guys do a lot of like political stuff is it depressing to keep up with politics i at this point i i i i just fully i don't know if dissociates the right word i just don't really pay attention to what's going on with cold open stuff. In terms of like political stuff being kind of cordoned off into the cold open,

I'm like, great. I don't have to, I usually am not in them. I'm like, I don't have to worry about this. So yeah, it's depressing. I mean, it's just, it's depressing in the same way that it's depressing for anybody who's like, who has to like, who doesn't have passive income and has to work right now. That's it. That's it.

I don't think there's not anything that remarkable on my end that I'm like, this is a different experience and it's unique and it's only me who's experiencing this. I feel like everyone's in that place, unfortunately. Yeah. I had shit to do the day of the attempted coup. Right. And all of it got canceled. And at first I was like, why is it getting canceled? I was like, oh, yeah, like, we would all just be somewhere else.

Being like, is America still America? It's like, better, you know, just watch it unfold. Like, Matt and I had to do this, like zoomy thing um on the day of the coup of the insurrection and we were just like this this doesn't feel right but it has to happen in a way like they didn't cancel i'm glad that your people canceled on your stuff yeah everything that day was canceled the only thing i did was uh why won't you date me which was the live show you had your yeah but it was it was so late it was like they're gone the coup wasn't it wasn't you know fruitful uh you know maybe we can teehee again but man that day oh it seems but it's what what's what's kind of whiplashy to me is that, like, there were some, like, TikTok comedians, I remember, on that day who, like, were posting content before the Capitol had been secured again.

Like, as these people were milling around, like, switching flags out, like, there were some TikTok people, like, making little jokey videos about these white supremacists and people were like what the hell are you doing stop this now and but then i was just like okay like i guess that's the right instinct but then not more than 24 hours later like people were back to like cracking jokes and cracking wise and i'm like oh what what is the turnover like what is like the the window to like make it okay again because i yeah that's a good question i truly don't know it's like there's yeah yeah the phrase too soon does not apply anymore no and you know like i i read this the the the first time too soon was uttered about september 11th was when gilbert was when gilbert gottfried did a show like September 20th of 2001.

And he made, it doesn't matter what the joke is, I don't remember it, but someone in the audience yelled, too soon. And I think that's the first documented instance of someone saying that about a joke. And that's like nine days later. Yes. Now truly it's just like, I can't remember what comic it was but they had made a joke about it was a joke about the oh god the press conference that was at the four seasons total landscape it was like for they like appropriated that to like fit a joke for today and i was like

not too soon that was that was years ago man, you can't bring that back in the picture. We've all moved on. If anything, the news moves so fucking fast that it's like nothing is topical because it's done. It's gone. Goodbye. But aren't we,

isn't it crazy how we're just buried? I mean, we're not saying anything like sociologically new, but it's like, isn't it crazy how we're like burying these unprecedented i'm so sorry to say that word but it's crazy that we're burying all this shit within like a 12-hour window where we're just like okay we're moving on yeah it feels fucking wild i don't know it's i feel wild almost every day that i wake up and i'm like we're still inside yeah and then

there's other people who are not inside and they're having so much fun and i go am i stupid and then it's just this really fun circle that just keeps going where would you be right now if i mean i'd be if it were normal times hopefully just getting back in the country from like a new year's vacation uh me and a friend we like to go out of the country for new years because it's just like fun to see how other countries celebrate it yeah um last year going into 2020 I was in Italy which was so so beautiful come on rome baby oh you like rome rome like i've only been to rome in italy and i i feel like it i feel i've been told it's the worst place to be out of all of italy because it's because it's like pure tourist like phantasmagoria of of of tourist shit but i i

don't mind it i liked it i've also never been anywhere else in Italy. We did drive, I think, like two hours north of Italy to truly farmland to go to this castle where we got to eat this stunning dinner. Great. My friend Matteo knows someone who literally lives in a castle, and it was very fun. But I want to go to the south of France.

I really want to explore more of Europe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, agreed. I haven't done, I'm not like, I did not like study abroad or anything. Like I didn't have that critical period where you're supposed to like go to Cinque Terre and like buy shot glasses.

You know, I didn't do that. Yeah, I didn't do that either. I went to pretend college where studying abroad wasn't an option yes uh it was like learn these lines hit your mark and you'll graduate with no degree in two years and i was like coming right up i'll learn all the lines perfect perfect um oh wait sorry hold on one second are you guys picking up these little All the lines. Perfect. Perfect. Oh, wait. Sorry. Hold on one second.

Are you guys picking up these little pings? I'm going to turn on do not disturb. I'm sorry. I didn't hear not one little ping. I heard nothing. Well, in any case, we won't hear them again. Text messages? I know.

I'm getting emails. It's not even that exciting. Anyway. I love text. An email is something I get to ignore. And I've truly been ignoring a lot of emails. And that doesn't like fill you with anxiety up to a certain point. Or are you like past that?

You're so sorry. No, I love that. I'm so jealous. When I get back to you, uh, you know, I'm so sorry.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my friend. Julio Torres has this, has, I think, I'm so sorry. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of my friend Julio Torres has this, has, I think, I think like even has you beat in terms of like, he doesn't know any email that comes through. He has to, he checks in with his manager's assistant to like know what the passwords to his accounts are. I'm like, damn, I want to be that so badly i mean i'm trying so the end

of last year i was like let's disconnect a little let's not you don't have to answer every email um some are more important than others but they'll just get the answer when they get the answer yeah there is no rush what are we all doing truly nothing yeah yeah but then that that like uh in their minds like opens up this this reasoning where they're like well then she should respond or like he should respond because they're because like what else are they doing i hate to tell you but i'm watching watching TV and trying to not go crazy. And I'm farming. I have my plants where I call it farming.

But truly, my harvest is like three tomatoes every couple of days. Cherry tomatoes, not even big ones that I can make a dinner with. No, but that's huge. Thank you. I want that so badly for myself my friend meatball came over meatball's a drag queen she's very funny um she came over and brought me coffee cake and i was like oh i'll give you tomatoes and in my like in my brain i was like yes i'm gonna give meatball and her boyfriend each a cherry tomato.

But when they heard they're getting tomatoes, they were like, oh, wow, we're going to get like a bowl full of tomatoes. And they really masked their surprise. Wow, they're like, ooh, thank you. Later people was like, I can't believe you gave me one cherry tomato and Michael one cherry tomato. But guess what? That's the farm I'm running. You get one cherry tomato. michael one cherry tomato but guess what that's the farm i'm

running you get one cherry tomato you get one little one little nugget um people have said i think meatball tweeted once that someone yelled at her from the street or from a car bowen yang and she was like no no no no but i think like my doppelganger is meatball. I mean, she's also my doppelganger. She did a show once where they used my picture as the poster for her. But to be fair, I was in Trixie makeup. So I did look like meatball. And sure.

But yeah, she does have the Trixie makeup a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. It's just like the big eyes. And that's truly about it. But you could do a little bit of research and that's and realize oh this is a full this is a woman this is a person who i didn't this is not a drag queen had that photo been used in other contexts or was it just like people saying it's just for trixie's makeup line and that's it I guess it's floating on the internet and people like meatball it's wild it's I wish people

did this I wonder if it happens to white people where like they get the wrong name shouted at them yeah it must it must I mean there was a period for like i know it still honestly still happens it hasn't happened in person but there was a period of in time for about three years when joel kim booster and i were both in new york that someone would be like i loved your set on i loved your comedy central half hour and i was like not me or people would go up to joel be like i loved your sketch in that sketch group and he'd be like not me like i'm sure it happens to white people all the time though i think on on some level I'm like that's racist but then on another level I'm like maybe it is just a thing where human beings look like other human beings and

if meatball is getting confused for me I feel like that beautiful like there's no race involved it's just like we have wide faces and maybe maybe she was wearing glasses that day i don't know yeah i i get i used to get confused for natasha rothwell still get confused for dulce sloan people will be like i love you on the daily show i'm like i'm not on the daily show uh people confuse me and michelle buteau all the time no no and i was like we are fully different like yes she's taller than me she's lighter than like her titties are bigger than i was like we are so different yeah but uh she just sent me a text where someone was like oh my god she what did she post it was something about uh the circle this show she hosts on netflix and they're like this and why won't you date me how do you do it oh god it made me laugh so hard oh what a treat people are just truly the wildest it's just like

take a second and then you can also ask you could be like i'm are you the person who does x y and z and then i could go oh no no that's my friend as opposed to just being like you do this yes it's the it's the leap to the assumption or to the yes yeah yeah yeah that's what gets me i have a question are you dating in quarantine are you single i'm single i i feel like i have a very nicoer dating narrative where, yeah, just single my whole life. You've never had a significant other? Never had anything longer than four months. Yep. I held up five fingers.

Yeah. One, two, three, four. Four months. Eleven months. Yeah. Yeah. Same boat. It's, I mean, over time i realized that it's whenever i'm getting

anxious about it i'm like it's more common than it seems i i mean the the story i keep telling myself is i'm the only person who is who who has this sort of um like blank uh just i've just been i've just blanked my whole life in terms of dating but like i mean me and ego wotum talk about this all the time at work and then one time my first season as a writer her her first season as a cast member we were in uh her office together and then on tuesday night when the host would normally come to meet you sandler came and then we were both like somehow talking sandler was asking us personal questions like oh so do you guys have boyfriends or girlfriends and we were just like no we've both been single our whole lives and it's actually giving us a lot of like it's just it just freaks us out and he was

just like oh don't worry about it that just means you won't have baggage when you meet the person that is right for you I'm like oh oh that's like decent advice or you know that's truly a nice way to think about it so he was he was so nice about it and we were and then and then he left and ego and i were like oh my god like he just like kind of gave us some sagely bit about like not worrying about it but we're still meanwhile we're still like you know anxious sorry yeah i mean don't be sorry i get anxious too and it's just like you can't not because that's the way society's set up it's like by a certain age you should you know have done these milestones and it's like oh i've done other milestones but just like nothing to do with love

or relationships yeah but then it's wild to me that you have been single i think you're a catch i think echo's a fucking catch like both of you together oh my god it's wild to me that like anybody just in terms of like if you think about anybody's breadth of experience by the time they hit let's say 27 i'm 30 but i'm saying like by the time they hit 27 it's like no one no one wanted to like hang out with you for like a year at least i don't know i don't know that that's what blows my mind is i'm like i've i'm out there like we put ourselves out there anytime someone says that to me i'm like i don't think that's the right thing to say whenever people say just put yourself out there i'm like what do you want

me to do be naked on the freeway like yeah how much more do you need me out like i am out in these fucking streets trying to get it done yeah yeah and every time a dude breaks up with me because usually it's them who break up with me i'm like but i'm the most interesting person you've ever met and i know that because the way you've looked at me sometimes you're incredulous that i've done you know whatever i've done you're like i wow like i'm i'm great why do you want to be with someone who's like boring and basic can i ask you when you were first of all you were one of the last in-person guests we had on lost culture which i cherish well you were our first guest on our new network which was also which was also great but then at the, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to.

But at the time, we like asked you if you were seeing someone and you were very classily like, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to like ruin it. Yeah, I didn't want to jinx it. But guess what, baby? It's done! No. Yeah. I'm sorry we like it was good

until it wasn't I ruined it I was like so like what are you looking for and I've said it a hundred times I'll say it again I'll die before I tell a man how I feel I'll die before I ask him any sort of question that pertains to what we're

doing and I'm gonna like just live in the moment and if he wants to tell me that he wants more then that's fine with me or if i'm not feeling it and i want to know something more i'll just break up with him but what i i've had that exact thing happen to me where i it it immediately ended as soon as I was like, so maybe we don't see other people, which I like, it makes sense that it would like take a turn, but like I,

something, there's some like cognitive fallacy or whatever in, in the way that some guys are like, let me just keep having sex with this person twice a week for four months and not think long term medium term about this at all yes that's what i don't get because it's it's all it is it's medium term it's just like yes can we do this for a couple more months i'm not asking for your hand in marriage i'm not asking you to fucking move in with me and like take an oath that you'll die for me just like let's lock down six months where we do this but that freaks fucking people out and my therapist

was like nicole that's the wrong way to do that you want to tell people how you feel so like you can get out earlier and i was like what if i don't want to get out earlier no what if i'm okay fucking somebody and wanting more not expressing that i want more and maybe it turns into more and maybe it fucking doesn't i don't know i just um i'm ready to get back out there i'm ready to fuck again uh i'm ready to uh detach my feelings from people uh i'm ready to have more More issues. That's good. That's really good. But I feel like I've, I feel like I've, I sort of biffed it overall with the winter, New York especially, where I'm like, I didn't, I didn't like, I didn't sort of, you know, get my like second lockdown pal in on time, you know? Yeah.

Is that a thing in LA? Do you think that's a thing in la or no i think it is a thing in la i certainly don't know anything about it i just uh i think it's called cuffing season yeah um and i never really get anyone for cuffing season i the relationships i have are very like arbitrary like they just come whenever they come and then they they're all they're all fleeting that's the one thing they have in common um but also i mean me personally i'm not like dating very seriously right now until there's like a vaccine just because i'm like what if he lies what if he's like yeah i'm negative or whatever and then la has like apparently like our tests are faulty they're not good and they give you false negatives yeah yeah so it's like we're both negative on these fucking tests that give you

false negatives we fuck we give each other fucking corona and then like i go to work and give someone, and it's just, it's too many variables. Yeah. And I, I was talking to a guy last night and he was like, I was like, how's your week? And he was like, it's good. Got my first dose of the vaccine.

I was like, congrats. And then we got to talking and he was, and then the conversation sort of uh uh goes into like what brings you on the app and he's just like oh you know the occasional it's it's to scratch but nothing crazy um and i at this point what's probably not good public health wise i'm like if if we've both tested negative within the last three days and we have not seen other people in the last 10 i have no problem hooking up with someone and i've done it a couple times in the last you know year whatever so but then this guy was like yeah but you know i just want to be covid safe and i'm like well in

three weeks when you get your second dose you don't have to worry about that so he was so i don't know he was still being like a little. A little too cautious. A little too cautious when I'm like, you're fine. Like you'll still wear a mask. Yeah. Society's not going to go back to normal, but you can at least go out there and like not worry about getting it for a while. Yeah, if I had the vaccine, I would be a fucking whore. I'd be like, I don't give a shit.

You don't even have to wear a condom. Dump in my fucking asshole. I do not care. I don't give a shit you don't even have to wear a condom dump in my fucking asshole I do not care I can't Rowan I'm gonna be such a whore I can't wait like my hole is ready she is tightened up it has been a minute but anytime I make

like some proclamation myself that I'm gonna be like slutty in my experience it never pans out that way so well in la it really hasn't panned no that's a lie i had like a real slutty year where i was just like i'm gonna fuck everything and i did and then it calmed down because i was working more but i don't know i plan to be in new york for like an extended amount of time working on my hour because it's been almost a year since i've done an hour yes so when i'm in new york she's gonna be a slut she's gonna fuck everything oh wait for straight people for women, for straight women, what is the LA, New York distinction

in terms of hooking up with people? Oh, my God. It's so much easier to hook up with people in New York. Great. Because there's no cars involved. You just take a cab to someone's house or the train, but let's get real, a cab. And you just leave.

It's just easier. Perfect. In LA, it's like, so i'm gonna drive oh my god there's no parking okay i guess i'll circle for a little bit yeah and there's been there's one or two times where i circled and i was like if i do not find a space in the next 30 seconds i am texting this person and telling them i have to go home because i ain't walking for mediocre dick it's got to be convenient. Okay?

I want a space right in front of your building. Thank you so much. Yes. Yes. If it were like exceptional dick, then you would have walked a couple blocks. Oh, if it was exceptional dick, of course I'd walk for it.

Great. If it was a dick that I knew, a dick that I loved, I would say, okay. In that case, I would park my car somewhere else, take an Uber to the house, and then take an Uber or a Lyft back to the car. I will make the C part for some good dick. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Perfect. Real quick, Bowen, we have to take a break. And we back uh so on the apps do you get recognized a lot this is the weird thing that i've that i don't know how to even talk about with my friends i'm like because overall okay just to answer your question yes but then but then like the but then i never am able to read between the lines where if someone's like and i want to and i'm attracted to you and i would have sex with you because people will say oh my god great work recently and i'll be like thank. And I'll usually reply and be like, thanks. That's so nice.

You went out of your way to say, to give me a compliment. That's objectively on surface nice. But then I never am able to tell if they want to fuck. That's it. That's just basically what it is. It is hard because sometimes people will be like, I think you're so funny. And I'm like, thank you.

And then I'm like, should I say something else? Yes. Or is it on you now to say something else? It's hard. And I think the general thing around being recognized on the apps that a few other friends will say to me is they'll be like and it really turns me off if someone's like I know your work and I'm like I can't I don't think I'm there yet to like to like blanket say like it it's I shut it down

immediately when they say that because sometimes I'm like oh but what you happen to also be attractive to me um so I don't know so sometimes I'm like I like it it's a way for it I don't have to like kind of like pitch myself to them I don't have to do that part because if they know who I am but I'm like great I don't have to do the work in terms of like you knowing my deal but then but then sometimes it like leads to like these really like terrible conversations where it goes nowhere

and they're just like so what's it like to like work with this person i'm like no you can't you can't do that on the apps are off uh-huh yeah i mean it is weird because it's like when you find out someone's say a lawyer you're not like what's it like to to fucking uh i don't know i couldn't even think of one thing that a lawyer does. What's it like to have a defendant? Nicole, perfect. You should play a lawyer. Getting dumber as the days go on. Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like I have four holes in my brain, one for each time I've done acid, and I just, I don't know. I feel like I have four holes in my brain, one for each time I've done acid, and I just, I don't know. I think I'm stupid. I've been lobotomized. Yeah, that's how I feel. I do, I haven't done acid in forever. I love it.

I like acid too. I also really like mushrooms. I need to do mushrooms. For whatever reason, I don't know if this says anything about me, I'm more into the synthetic experience of like, oh, for whatever reason, this, I don't know if this says anything about me. I'm more into the synthetic experience of like, Oh,

this is acid. It was made in a lab. Whereas mushroom is like, this is nature's way of like letting you have a good time. Yeah. That's funny. I, I didn't even think of it like that. I just like drugs.

I like, uh, the first time I did acid was in a club. Maybe I've told this story on the podcast who knows i've done so many episodes and i haven't left my house in so long and haven't had any new experiences so i was in this club downtown it was this bulgarian dance bar that just moved locations and you had to be in the know to know where it was going and it was always on like the lower east side or whatever and i went with my i think four friends and this man

right he was standing in front of the bathroom and he was like here take this and i said okay and i took it and i was like yeah and we were dancing and then all of a sudden the club started burning and i was like looks like it's on fire then i told my friend desi i was like des this whole club is burning but i think it's okay and she was like what did you fire then i told my friend desi i was like des this whole club is burning but i think it's okay and she was like what did you take and i was like something from the man in the bathroom and then my friend julio had already taken something from the man in the bathroom i guess he was just like handing out drugs and it ended up being all of you acid oh my god and i had a great time julio did not have a good time uh he was upset that the

club was burning we were like having that same trip but he was like mad about everything and i was just like it's okay with me and that was the first time i took acid and i had a great fucking time i think about that day fondly wow i'm glad you enjoyed it because it could have gone you could have had the julio experience oh yeah yeah yeah where he truly was like so upset about it right i mean good on you for doing acid for the first time in in an indoor space and with other people with strangers around you a ton of strangers that that that is i would say that's not optimal but i the fact that you're able to survive that and no enjoy it is a huge deal i would not be able to do it now uh now no give me like a small group of friends renting a house somewhere and i'll do all the drugs but like not

out not out and about no no no no no no no way no way no way i mean god wait wait this is a weird question when you do when you do shrooms even do you look at yourself in the mirror and are you No, no way, no way, no way. I mean, God, this is a weird question. When you do shrooms even, do you look at yourself in the mirror and are you like, because Joel Kim Booster has this experience when he's on psychedelics. He'll look at himself in the mirror and be like, I look crazy. Whereas I'll look at myself in the mirror and be like, I look incredible. I usually will look at myself in the mirror and be like I am so pretty yeah I am so stunning and I'll like stay there and stare at myself I it might just be because like deep down I might have

a little bit of body dysmorphia but it's the opposite way where I go I am so thin until I try to fit into a tiny space and I'm like i'm bigger than what i thought so like the drug takes yeah so the drug brings that out in a way yeah yeah yeah perfect yeah we're gonna say we're gonna say oh nothing that just that i'm beautiful and i think i'm so pretty and i don't know anytime i look in the mirror i'm like oh yeah but then sometimes i will look in the mirror and be like, and then I'll just put on some makeup and be like, yeah, whatever. I just love making noises at myself.

Perfect. Perfect. What are you like on drugs? I, I am just, and I think this just reflects my vibe overall, even when I'm not on drugs, which is I just hang back.

I'm not like, I'm not that rowdy or I'm not that drugs, which is, I just hang back. I'm not like, I'm not that rowdy, or I'm not that like, like Matt Raunders will be like fully kaleidoscopically just like allowed, and he's like, and stuff flows out of him like magic. He'll just like write songs, he'll make up songs, and he'll like dance,

and he'll like play these characters. And I'm like, that's incredible. I'm so jealous, but I am okay with my own frequency being like, I'm just going to set and like watch music videos. I don't know. I,

I, I'm pretty just passive, which yeah, is good. I think I'm like that too. I can't, I'm not like, I am funny on drugs but like

not funny enough to be like this is something i can use again like i created something really amazing and i i think that's for the best for for both of us probably because otherwise i would just use drugs as a crutch you know yeah yeah yeah that's like um when i perform back in the day when we were allowed to perform in front of the people um i would limit myself to two drinks because if i had more than two drinks and then got on stage it would be loose and that's bad and that's A little, because you get a little too loose. You start doing crowd work, and then you're like, I have no idea where I was.

We're going to have to sit here while I figure out where I am in my act. And you're like, oh, OK. Then you start in again, but you're like, but what about this thought? So I think it just exasperates having ADD to a degree where it's like this. People paid to see a show. Not a dizzy woman trying to figure out her shit. Oh, but there's a place for that. There's always a place for that.

But I get it. I get it. Like I will never do, I will never perform on drugs. I just can't do it. I did one show stoned, but it was like a show where everyone was stoned and it was fine. Um, and then I did a meet and greet in Denver,

super high. So like, I can't like my feature was like, do you want to smoke before you do your meet and greet? And I was like, sure. And then I did it. It was so hard to talk to people My feature was like, do you want to smoke before you do your meet and greet? And I was like, sure. And then I did it. And it was so hard to talk to people.

They were like, oh, my God, I loved your show. And I was like, and I love you. And then I couldn't stop giggling. And then I was like, oh, I guess they all know that I'm high. And maybe they shouldn't be because they paid for this meet and greet. So then I was just in my head the whole time. No, no, no. Being as someone who's from Denver, I think,

and as someone who's gone back to perform there and just like meet people, I think they are just excited that you're there. And they also understand that you might be in the touristy way stoned and that the altitude is having an effect on it maybe. So that you're just like, oh, okay, Nicole's just being, Nicole's just on drugs and that the altitude is having an effect on it maybe so that you're just like oh okay Nicole's just being Nicole's just just on drugs and that's okay we're just

excited to see her was this at comedy works where was this it was at comedy works which is one of my favorite fucking clubs it's so great I think Chappelle loves it too that's like one of Chappelle's favorite venues yeah I think he goes there to like work out his material but like I don't know if it is the altitude but the audiences are so they're great voracious they're awesome

they're they're just like they're they're with you i like i had a heckler one of my shows she was a lady in a wig and a boa and she was she was having a great time and i can't remember what she said but like we worked it out to where i was like will you be quiet for like the rest of this and she was like no and then said a couple more things and I was like okay how about now and she was like yes and then she was and I was like this so you just like needed to get that out she was like uh-huh it was what it's I had I think I did like six shows there and it was six of the most fun shows I had done in a long time. That sounds perfect.

That sounds about right too. Like just Denver crowds or they're just, they will act out up to a certain point and then they will self-regulate immediately. Yeah, I loved it. It was perfect. And then where else I like Portland

Portland is a lot of fun I like Portland Austin I fucking love Austin well can I ask you because I had I had one solid year of touring

it was definitely not to the same extent as like a lot of stand-ups but like Matt and I took the podcast across many cities one year a couple years ago

and I didn't I didn't really I didn't really take advantage of it, but I did enjoy flirting, even just flirting with people from the city. What is your overall mode when you're somewhere else? In the beginning of touring, I would go out, find a fun bar, bar be at that bar see if i could pick somebody up and then it got to a point where or like i'd go to a gay bar and have like the time of my life

and then i realized where was i i think it was like springfield i don't know it was somewhere in the middle i went to this gay bar and then a bunch of people recognized me and at one point i was dancing and i was like oh my god i'm like fucking hammered i think i had done like ecstasy too and i was like sweating and i was like what if someone like took a picture of me and this ended up somewhere so i was like maybe i don't do this anymore not that i'd be like ashamed of it but it's like being messy is not for the whole world to see. No. Just for select friends. Sure.

Has that, I'm wondering, I genuinely am wondering this. Has any of that changed on a societal level since COVID where like all we're doing is taking like sexy pictures at home and like putting them on close friends maybe? I don't know. Like I am, my threshold for like me being nervous about looking bad or deranged or messy is like maybe a little bit higher.

I don't, does that make sense? Yeah. I like to be able to control how messy I look. I'm okay looking messy. I'm okay being like a part like a friend filming me being you know a little sloppy that's different to me than like a stranger I don't know posting so like I was I can't remember where I was but oh Nashville I have a friend named uh in Nashville who I met on Twitter came came to my show, was like, would you like to go to a bar? My boyfriend's the bartender.

And I was like, wow, you seem nice and normal. Turns out he's nice and normal. He's really cool. I love him. But we were like doing fun things in a bathroom. And maybe I shouldn't say his name. Marissa, will you bleep that with a ba-ba-bo? You got it.

Thank you. We were doing drugs in the bathroom and then, uh, someone I didn't know was like taking pictures with me. And then recently they posted those pictures and tagged me. And I was like, yeah, I can't be doing this with strangers because I don't need a million,

you know, pictures of me doing, you know, things floating around. Right, right. Okay. That makes total sense. I feel dumb even asking the question.

The reason I asked was because I was listening to your episode with Matt and you guys were talking about, like, filming yourself having sex with someone, but, like, if it ever leaked, like, it would be the end of the world, maybe. But, like, I'm feeling, I think that maybe, like, with, like, OnlyFans popping off since pandemic,

I feel like maybe people don't give as much of a shit. But maybe that's not, but that's not fair. That's purely a personal comfort thing. Absolutely. With sex, I'm okay. If a sex tape of mine leaked, I think I'd be fine with it. Yeah. Because especially if I was like doing a great job

and then it's like you know someone sees and they're like wow she's a real workhorse in the bedroom yeah you know maybe i want that would you ever start an only fans i haven't i would be lying if i said i didn't think about it but i would immediately get a talking to at work and they'd be like you cannot do this they won't even let us do like they won't even let us do a cameo you know sometimes i'm sometimes like beginning the pandemic i was like i like emailed the publicist at nbc i was like can i do like cameos for charity maybe to like help out like restaurants and stuff and they were like no and i was like, can I do like cameos for charity maybe to like help out like restaurants and stuff? And they were like, no. And I was like, okay, all right, I get it. Um, which is,

I understand. Um, but anyway, no, I, I couldn't start an OnlyFans until after I leave. Well, I mean, sometimes I think about it. One of my favorite people on OnlyFans, it one of my favorite people on only fans i've been trying to get her to do this podcast uh she's a very busy lady but she posted how many followers she had and then i knew how much i paid and i was like she makes like a hundred thousand dollars a month just from her only fans on top of everything else she does. And I was like, what a beautiful life. I mean, I think sex work is real work and it is lucrative work. And it's not for everybody, but like, my God, what a treat. If you can hack it, then perfect. And it's like, there is something nice and poetic about it.

Like being the oldest job in the world. And then also it's like, it happens to make you a lot of money. So much fucking money. And I mean, I couldn't do what she does because it's a lot of upkeep. Like she'll post, you know, videos of her getting her lips done and the Botox and her nails and the hair extensions. And I'm like, my God, this is like a second job. But I guess it's part of the first

job it is part of the first job so you're saying you wouldn't you wouldn't start an only fans uh no I think it's a lot of work like if you could if you could do like pole dancing exclusives that that could be fun see that I wouldn't do because pole dancing's for me and yeah yeah I'm not great at it but I wouldn't want to to monetize this fun hobby that I have. Makes sense. Good for you for having these boundaries solidly down. That's something that I don't think I have. I don't know what my boundaries are in anything.

Mm-hmm. And so I think that's going to bite me in the ass someday soon. I don't think so. I think with boundaries, to like bite me in the ass someday soon. I don't think so. I think with boundaries, you just kind of like learn and like you do, like you say yes enough until you're like, Oh, I don't think this works for me.

Like my, um, I got an email from my publicist who was like, would you like to do this podcast? They record at 8am. And I was like, Oh no, that's my hard boundary. I can't hop on a zoom at 8 a.m. And I was like, oh, no, that's my hard boundary.

I can't hop on a Zoom at 8 a.m. Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. So I think a lot of 2020 and like the end, no, it was mostly 2020 was me learning how to be like, no, this isn't worth it. No, I don't want to do this.

Here's where I draw a line. And it's been nice. But you've been working for like like like would you would you say that it took you a while to get to that place because i'm i'm i'm constantly in a place yeah i'm constantly like i shouldn't be saying yes to this and yet here i am um this not included of course but sometimes when it's like will you do this will you do this like um you know speaker series for this thing i'm like i don't uh sure why not it always ends up it always starts from a place of full ambivalence and being like i don't know i don't care and then

once i'm there and doing it i'm, I shouldn't have said yes to this. Yes. Yeah. My therapist said, she was like, no good deed goes unpunished. So like when you think you're being nice and then you're miserable doing this thing that you're doing to be nice, it's like,

were you nice to yourself? Yeah. So yeah, it's like, it's hard to, to say no and it feels shitty, but like you feel better not doing the thing yeah yeah yeah and it did it did take a while for me to learn but now that i've learned uh not to say that like i'm

always correct and i'm always like you know thrown out that no all the time sometimes i say yes and then i'm like oh boy why yeah yeah for sure it does you know make life a little a little easier wait i have a question nor from queens is that coming back can you say it's coming back i can all all i can say is that it's we're doing a second season okay well you're very funny on it oh thanks nicole you're so funny and it's really lovely to see you fucking bloom or not even bloom it's like you were bloomed and now people are picking the flower being like have you guys seen this flower and it's like yeah bitch we've been seeing it oh my god nicole coming from you that that means a lot um yeah i like look i love what you say about, I think you said this on Solomon's episode or Patty's episode.

You were like, you maintain that 2020 was a good year. Just minus some things. Minus some things. No, and then of course it's like millions of people have suffered in deep ways. Yeah. I'm like, I'm over here just counting, like, all, like, my blessings, I guess. I'm just like, oh, like,

even, like, significant other not existing aside, like, I'm lucky with what I'm doing. Yeah, I also feel very, very, very fucking lucky and privileged to be able to be like, yes, I can stay afloat doing podcasts, overwhelmingly like just favor like more funding whatever more government funding but um i don't know if i don't know what it means for i'm too i will just say i'm too dumb to be explaining this to anybody i am also super dumb with shit like that because i was like how come like a dead man with like rotting hands is the person who like decides things yeah the mitch mcconnell man and i i still don't really understand

is he still in like is he still a powerful i don't understand does he go somewhere no he just becomes the minority leader now and he's supposed to just represent like what the republican sort of like point of view is yeah there are like politics experts listening to this who like are fucking like furious they're like what the fuck these people know nothing but here's another question like why do politicians make a like a lot of money or do they not make a lot of money from the government and they make money from other business things that they do? So that's what it is, is that they don't make that much money from the government,

but they get a ton of cash from like lobbying groups and stuff. And that goes directly to them? I mean, essentially, yeah. I mean, it's a whole racket. It's like, here's some money. Wait, is our government a scam? Baby, yeah. It's been the whole time.

But yeah, again, I can't even confidently say this to you because I don't know anything about anything. Me either. We're just two little dummies talking on Zoom. We know nothing about the government. How about you? Excellent. Excellent.

Oh, thank you. Nicole. Wow. I really hope that something happens this year. I say it every year for myself, for my friends. Like, I say this to Ego all the time I'm like this is this is it like this is I I feel it for you one terrifying thing that happened uh a month ago was she was like Bowen set me up with someone I was like okay let me look through my

contacts um and the first place I went to was my Instagram contacts. I went through my Instagram follows and it was all cis gay men. And I was like, oh, I can't help her at all. Because I don't talk to that many straight people. And men, forget it. So I don't, basically all I'm saying is like, I think like we're aware of the parameters more than we were before, hopefully, and that we will overcome whatever like obstacles are in our way listen 2021 i'm finding an emotionally available man

or person doesn't really i don't whatever um and they're gonna be really great and it's gonna last for however long it lasts bowen i see for you. An emotionally available man will be there to love you, fuck you, cheer you on, wipe your glasses when they get dirty. Yes. So you can see him clearly, honey. I see it for us. I see it for Ego. I'm going to text her when we get done and be like, bitch, we talked about you. We see it for you in 2021. It's i'm a texter when we get done to be like bitch we talked about you we see it for you in 2021 it's gonna be magical i can't wait uh we just gotta get them little

vaccines rolling you know yep all right that's it um bowen we have come to the end yes and i asked people this question all the time on the podcast but would you date me 1000 yes yes no question we would i mean there are certain people and it doesn't really have that much to do with how long i've known them or how well we know each other but like you my friend sudi green like people who i'm just like oh we would be like such a great couple in terms of like all of the domestic aspects of it that i'm like yes and that's enough i love it i would also date you thank you bowen do you have anything you want to promote before we leave i want to promote um discovery plus where you can watch all of 90 Day Fiance.

The universe. I have Discovery Plus, and let me tell you, it's fun. I might do it. I might do it. I did it. It's $6.99. But here's the thing. It's all of the 90 Day Universe, but also it's all of HGTV, baby.

Oh, great. So I've been watching that tlc it's been a nice time i i like it lovely see i'm sold i've been watching house hunters renovation and last night there was a lady with her two friends it was a throuple of people a non-sexual throuple who was looking to move into a house together that they could renovate so they could have drum circle sessions. And when I tell you, I laughed the hardest I've ever laughed during that episode.

Oh, wait, I was just cackling. Also, there was another episode where there was this couple looking for a house in Sherman Oaks and they were like, he's a web designer who's a straight shooter and she is quirky and then you see her using like a tostito as like a magnifying glass and i was like that's quirky

i love house hunter renovations perfect i gotta watch quirky that's it for this episode of oh why won't you date me if you liked it you can subscribe you can rate it you can leave me a five-star review on apple podcasts and if you write me something dirty i will read it aloud um i don't know if i read this one yet but okay hey i thought i'd share this little dirty thought i want to put a green troll costume and watch from the vents as you masturbate without you knowing and as you start to orgasm jump over you straddling and screaming you have to pay the troll toll then watch your face fluctuate between pleasure and horror i mean where are you masturbating where there's a vent overhead that's's my question. I guess they think I have vents in my room.

Above you, though? Oh. No, I don't think there's any vents above me. Oh, no, I do. I have one vent above me there. Great. So I guess they know what my room looks like? Ah!

Ah! Ah! Okay, bye-bye that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.