Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - All Things Panties (w/ Eliot Glazer)

Episode Date: January 25, 2019

Eliot Glazer (Broad City, New Girl) discusses spending money on nice underwear for your partner, the grimiest requests he's received on dates, and how people need to set boundaries in and out of a relationships. Nicole describes her NYE helicopter ride from hell.Be sure to check out Eliot's podcast, You're Making it Worse!You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single

even though I would move into your shitty little house and never complain about it! My guest today, oh baby, you know him. You've seen him on Broad City. He wrote for new girl younger teachers do you have one more credit no that's it elliot oh elliot thank you so much for returning i say returning because i booked you and i double booked you and i said my my friend, go away. It is okay.

I got to chill out downtown a little more. Found myself some salt and straw. Oh, do you like salt and straw? It's okay. I have a crazy sweet tooth, but I'm not huge on ice cream. I also, as I've gotten older, have had dietary issues when it comes to a decent amount of dairy. Yes. It makes you toot?

More than that. Oh, I toot so hard after some ice cream or some cheese. Did you do that in your, like, I don't know, teens? No. Yeah, me either. No, I could eat whatever I wanted. I just expanded and I wasn't gassy or like shitting my brains out. Yeah, I have ice cream and I'm like, I gotta go.

I gotta go. I'll see you guys later. You hit 30 and then you have ice cream and I'm like, I gotta go. I gotta go. I'll see you guys later. You hit 30 and then you have ice cream with friends and you go, well, we're not doing it. I mean, it's really crazy. So yeah.

Anyway, so I have, I'm very sparing with my salt and straw. I once planned an ice cream date where we were going to fuck after. Ooh, no, no, no,

no, but it happened and it was fine. And then I got gurgly after the fucking and I was like, okay, bye bye. I see you later take me home please so i don't shit all over your dick or your bathroom well i still don't understand i never understand i mean i guess it's just kind of you know societally ingrained in us but the idea of like a date where it's like we go out to eat you know and then we drink and stuff or whatever and then we have sex i know that's like the society i'm like talking about like everything you know it's like does the society is designed that way but i'm like

it really should be the other way around yeah you should fuck and then get hungry get hungry go out to eat cap it off with ice cream and then go your separate ways pass out on your own i mean that is weird i wonder why we go get food first and then have sex well i also feel like it's also of course even more complicated for women because women have to be like proper when like they have to play that stupid game of being like i'm not that hungry or like i'm gonna pick at this never do that but i'm saying but it's like it's such an annoying thing that women, I think, are pressured to do more than men. Oh, absolutely. Where we're like, we can eat whatever we want.

I can eat whatever I want. It's fine. And that already grosses me out that the balance is already off. So it's just fucking nonsense. I could never imagine just being like, I'll have a salad and then spend more time with someone being ravenously hungry. I was on a date once and I was like, I'm going to be bad. Can I have the fried chicken and the avocado toast and I'm going to make me a fried chicken avocado sandwich? He was like, you're really going for it.

And I said, I am. I don't like you're really going for it. I don't like that. Oh, people love to say whatever they want to me. And I'm not sure why. Yeah, I don't like you're really going for it. I don't like that. Oh, people love to say whatever they want to me. And I'm not sure why. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like you're really going for it. I did have a boyfriend for a little over a year.

And it was. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We made it through a year. But he was he's we're still friends and he's great.

But he ate all the time i mean he wasn't like i mean he's a beautiful man he's a absolutely beautiful man but he just ate all the time and it just was so funny to me that when i think of you know as a gay guy when i think about dating it's like i always think about emotionally but also sexually we're fucking neanderthals like two men like pawing at each other you know trying to like make sense of what this is you know where we're we're not taught to do this together and so it's just this like wild this wildness that has persisted throughout time that still never becomes i don't know it feels like it feels harder to me you know to to be not to be gay per se, but but to not have somebody try to ingrain in you, you know, this like a control, you know, like a stasis, like like with men and women.

It's very specific. You know, whether or not you fall into your roles. Yes. For better or worse. You know, you just do because the world teaches that to you when you're not just that. Then it's just complicated because you're kind of left to your own devices. Your resources are less. And that's always been so problematic for me, at least.

I feel the same way, even though I lean more towards dating men. It's hard for me to fall into a traditional role of a woman in a relationship because I'm not. I feel like women are supposed to be a little submissive. They're supposed to be like a little mysterious. And it's like, I literally do a podcast where I talk freely about my entire life. I'm not mysterious. If you Google me, you can find out anything you want to know about me. And I don't know how to be a little submissive. I try in life. I don't know how to in a little submissive. I try. In life, I don't know how to.

In the bedroom. Ooh, baby. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. Tie me up. Ugh, dating is so exhausting. I've always thought lingerie is the funniest thing because as somebody who's not turned on to see a woman in lingerie,

I'm like, why does she have to do the work? Why is there a store for her to go in and spend money to do the work? It's all about him. Everything goes back to making him happy. And it's so gross. It's so gross. It is gross. But also lingerie is just confusing.

So confusing to me. Because I don't wear lingerie. I've never been in a relationship long enough where i'm like gotta keep it spicy but i once wore uh panties underwear i don't know whatever panties panties is such a weird word but i was wearing panties with sequins on them and i was like oh my god he's gonna love these yeah and he just ripped them off and literally threw them across the room right like but all my hard work exactly don't you want to see the panties don't is that just so weird to me because it's like it's subjective where it's like it's like so he doesn't want to see the panties you know what i mean like he doesn't

want to see this no no he just wants to take it off it's like he wants to take it off and see me but there's such weird that like there's to me there's like weird psychological stakes to that where you went out of your way to buy something that you're like, I'm putting I'm buying this with money and I'm I'm putting I'm projecting like excitement into this and a little mystery, actually. Yeah, a little mystery. Unwrap this little sequin present. And then he just throws it away. And it's like it doesn't make him a bad guy, in my opinion.

It just means like you're being you're being peddled something that's an idea rather than a good. Yeah. And I guess it's a good conversation to have with someone to be like, do you like little nasty panties? I always ask people that. Do you like lingerie? I ask my female friends all the time, like, do you, like, I mean, I would never, my sister would literally never go to, like, Victoria's Secret, you know? I know my sister. I don't want to think about it that way

but i know enough that she's like fuck no and then when i because i guess i read an article about victoria's secret stock plummeting after they made like some like anti-trans comments wildest comments crazy shit like i'm serving you a fantasy that does not include uh fatter than a size zero woman or trans women and it's truly like what year do you fucking live in where are you what fantasy is so specific to like a blonde haired woman and then we're going to introduce maybe some black ladies later oh it's so like everyone's fantasies are so wildly different like give me trans give me fat give me Give me differently abled people. Give me everything. Yeah. It's so archaic.

I mean, those comments were really almost bizarrely archaic. Yes. But I couldn't, like, in reading some thought pieces about it, I was like, you know, I've never had a reason to really stop and think about lingerie on women. And it was like, oh, my God. Like, it's like a bizarre cottage industry that makes tons of money. So much money. And the Angels fashion show, again, I've never thought to stop and watch it. I've never watched it. It makes no sense.

I heard them talk about it on Stern, and it was like, what is this? Like, what? Also, I don't think you can buy the pieces. Exactly. I don't think you can buy what they're wearing. No. So it makes absolutely no sense to me. It's crazy.

I'm going to go into Victoria's Secret tomorrow and be like, excuse me, can I have those big angel wings? I'm really looking for a pair of angel wings for the bedroom. They're so stupid. Giant angel wings? Like, what the fuck? You want a fucking angel? It's so weird. It's so weird.

It's bizarre. It's genuinely bizarre because if you stop as a person and just peel back, just take a macro look at what that is, it's like all these people are in this big space in fucking London or wherever they are applauding as ladies walk up and down a pathway with wings on. Yes. And some of them don't look all right. They don't look well. It's almost as if they're clapping. They're like, they made it. And now they can go have a banana.

Or you're clapping them like they're like Peter Pan to keep them alive. Yes. It's crazy. Or Tinkerbell or whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. It's just crazy. It's so crazy.

I used to work at a Lane Bryant and we used to have to like peddle lingerie to women. You'd be like, come look at Cossique, which is their lingerie stuff and their bras. And then they'd be like, oh, okay. And you'd be like, do you cacique which is their lingerie stuff and their bras and then they'd be like oh okay and you'd be like do you want a santa nightie for christmas and women would always be like no no i don't want a santa nightie for christmas of course not do you want some crotchless panties that truly look like a slingshot they would i don't know if you've ever seen full-size crotchless panties but it's's like just very, a long band for your waist. And then it looks like the, you know, a car wash, the little fringes. Wait a minute.

Two little fringes in the front. And then you're like, where does your pussy go? I guess the fringe goes around your puss. It is, well, I've never worn crotchless panties. I don't get it is that so that a woman i guess has on sexy clothes but her pussy is still like there and accessible yeah i think so and it's like not seems pointless because i still have to wash these jeans exactly i wear underwear so i could wear my jeans more than once that is insane crotchless panties so crazy i've i don't edible panties like what you what oh we just had dinner it's a very 90s like archaic 90s thing where it's like

it's i think it's sort of also in the realm of like how we as as kids around then were taught to be like fuck mom fuck your mom fuck your dad they fucking suck like you be you rock out like play music so loud that Michael Jackson comes and, like, you know, rescues you or whatever. Or, like, play, you know, it was such a good, that, like, rebellious thing. I guess that is the premise of, what is that, Black and White where Macaulay Culkin's, like, jamming so hard. Yeah, Black and White. George Wendt is like, turn it down. And Michael Jackson's like, I'll save you. I'll let you do a rap verse, Macaulay.

Oh, Michael. Oh, Michael Jackson. I watched a documentary last night that was like deeply disturbing that I don't know why more people are. So like circumcision. Are you circumcised? Yeah. Yes. And you're Jewish.

Yes. So it's part of the tradition. It is part of the tradition. The bris. Which I'm like, great it's part of the tradition of Judaism. It is part of the tradition, yeah, the bris. Which I'm like, great, that's your religious part of it. It's not so great. I mean, when you stop and think about it, it is also a strange ceremony where a rabbi comes to the house and people gather to watch your baby penis be cut like a shawarma. Oh, boy.

It's insane. So it is weird. It is weird. But it is weird strapped down in that ceremony someone's holding you right yeah you're just being held in a hospital in a non-religious ceremony a baby is literally strapped down and then sometimes not given anesthesia anesthetics anesthesia anesthesia and sometimes it gets fucked up and they like hospitals like don't report it it's a real weird thing where there's a whole lobby that's like, it's a cleanliness thing. It decreases diseases.

And then other doctors are like, no, it's truly pointless. I mean, I mentioned, I think I mentioned Stern a minute ago, but he is, for whatever reason, he is strongly anti-circumcision. And he circumcises. He's Jewish. He's circumcised but I guess he has seen either the same documentary or read the same material or heard about it and it is bizarrely it is a bizarre tradition in that a lot of doctors if not most are like yeah there's no difference but and my whole thing is like if there's no difference why are you doing unnecessary surgery isn't that work for you

i love not doing a lot of work sure sure sure so like if i was to deliver a baby i'd be like all right it's good can you circumcise it well i don't why um i could go home now is there overtime for the bris i could i i don't know i don't i don't really get it but i still am i still i guess i should see the documentary but i'm still still like, I hate to say it. I'm still, I still sort of can't believe it when I see one. It's a little incredible. It's pretty wild. I've never been to a brisk.

I wonder if I'll ever be invited to a brisk. I'd probably get too bad. No K. There's no K? I wonder if I'll get invited to a brisket ceremony. Do they serve brisket? It's a bris? A bris, yeah.

It is incredible how little I know. And you're from Jersey, right? Yes. You're around Jews. Oh, so many. We got off for all the Jewish holidays. We went to school for so long. Yeah, but you should know what I mean.

A bris is... It sounds like you're saying... I just fucked up, yeah. But a bris, but there's no reason, unless you had Jewish parent friends, you wouldn't be going to brises. Oh, I guess. I went to a lot of bar and bat mitzvahs. Yeah, but our friend H. Allen Scott, my favorite thing is that he converted to Judaism.

But when he was a kid and would go to bar mitzvahs, the first one that he went to, someone had told him that at the bar mitzvah, the 13-year-old boy would be circumcised. Oh, boy. And so he was, like, super queasy and, like, really nervous. And was just, like, really dramatic about going to this bar mitzvah. I would have been so excited. I'm like, so we get to see his dick? Oh, my God. Well, I think he was excited and scared.

But, yeah, I mean, there are adult circumcisions that I don't know. That's interesting to me, an adult circumcision. And in this documentary, there's a woman who got an adult female circumcision. And she was like, nothing changed for me. Everything's great. And I was like, well, if nothing changed, why did you do it? Yeah, why did she do it? She never really explains why she did it.

Her mom wanted her to do it. She flew back to Sierra leone they did it there now she's back here now she's like for the choice of it and it was just a very weird stance to take i think if nothing changed removed her clitoris i don't know if she removed it fully but it's like you remove the hood that is insane yeah and it seems invasive and like not okay. Deeply invasive. Yeah. And then in the documentary, they said that boys that aren't circumcised, their doctor will push back the foreskin because they were like obsessed with like cleaning. It just seemed like a bunch of men obsessed with dicks. And it was really weird.

It's a very weird. It's a very weird it's a very it's a very strange industry you know the idea of it and and the people who are like thinking about it i mean even the idea of like forced circumcision on women in in like different countries or whatever it's like are you serious like you're that hyper focused on derailing a woman's pleasure that you're circumcised? Like, that is outstanding and how crazy and awful it is. If someone stole my clit, I'd be so upset.

It's really upsetting. I'd be so mad. I'd say, hey, give me my nubbin' back. Wait, were you... Were you... Have you been with uncircumcised men? I have. And I enjoy it.

Yeah. It's a surprise. The first few times are surprising, I find. Yes. I was at a movie with a friend where they showed an uncircumcised dick. She leaned over and she said, what's wrong with that dick? And I said, my friend, that's an uncircumcised dick. And she said, oh, I've never seen one before.

Yeah, it's a possibility. And I was like, today? Today is the first time you're seeing oh she was an adult yes oh i thought you were a kid no this was literally this year wow yes yes she's never seen one like looked one up or no i guess she never had the desire but you know me i was always like show me all of them of course yeah but i remember the first time i'm not one guy that I dated, he was uncircumcised. I'd never been with a guy who was uncircumcised before. And he explained that he doesn't need lube or lotion.

Yeah, you don't need lube because you got the skin casing. I did not understand it. Yeah, it's very interesting. We worked with it, but I did not understand it. Yeah, they don't need lube. They don't need lotion to masturbate. You don't need nothing. I just was like, what?

Yeah. I still like psychologically can't understand what that means. It's like one of those toys growing up, that tube where you like the tube is in the tube and there's gel in the middle. Do you know what I'm talking about? Wait, the one where you turn it over and it makes noise? No. They used to sell at this store called zany's in in new jersey uh if anyone knows what i'm talking about please tweet at me with jelly in the middle you said

yeah it's like this tube with jellyish stuff and it sparkles oh i know exactly what you're talking about oh i loved those yes and i think whoever invented it is like i missed my foreskin yes oh you mean like those like they're like wands i think right yeah it's like a one yes i know what you're talking about yes i love those those are beautiful those are very beautiful and they remind me of an uncircumcised penis yeah they're gorgeous oh wait we back what a break i hope you like that ad uh buy whatever it is if it's for a quip i love a quip toothbrush oh we love quip do you have a quip not yet but i mean podcasts we love quip podcasts do they love theirip. Do you do a Quip ad too? We do a Quip ad.

We've done a Quip. Quip is going to take over the world via podcasting. It really is. So are you single right now? I am indeed single, yeah. Are you looking? Always. I'm seeing a gentleman, but it's very early.

How early? I'm seeing a gentleman but we're it's very early how early uh we've probably gone out maybe six times okay and I'm always absolutely petrified of like of what's supposed to be normal quote-unquote petrified by it by the idea of like people being like yeah we started like we we went exclusive after three months I still remember remember as a kid, as a teenager, there was a, you might remember this, there was a local tri-state or maybe like city-wide channel called Metro TV. Yes. It was like, maybe it was the Madison Square Garden Network or something. And it was very weird.

You'd stumble upon it and sometimes you'd leave it on. It was so weird. And they had like what felt like interstitials instead of actual TV shows. But they had a show called Third Date. And it just followed these couples around on their third date in Manhattan. And I remember so distinctly someone on the show in explaining the premise was like, you know, by the third date, you usually know. And that's when you usually sleep with somebody. And I was like, OK.

And it just like registered in my head and again i mean i'm not i'd never even dated women but i was just like okay that's what it is and all these just like rules and it's so it's such a scary abyss of like disinformation and confusion i had a dude tell me he was like yeah yeah, I give people three dates and then I make my decision. And I was like, oh, that's exactly what happened. And we never we didn't go out after. Yeah. He just decided that I was not for him. I I guess after I don't three dates to me is too little.

I think so, too. I mean, I remember a therapist saying it takes it does. It takes at least six months to get to begin to know somebody. It really takes a year. I think you're right. I'm just repeating what I've heard, but I think it's right. Yeah. I do feel after two, three months, though, that, like, you can make a choice.

Yeah. Like, I want to be exclusive with you or i do like you but honestly i'm looking for something better did you say three months or three dates three months yeah months i think so too yeah unless you're like hanging out with the person 24 7 of course in the beginning yeah but that's also not that's also inaccurate because you are creating a scenario that's pretty, I think, unrealistic unless you're crazy. Yes. Or you're so erratic and manic that you move in together very quickly and then become codependent, which I also find just as a person, I'm just like, I'm not into codependency. Ah. I'm slightly codependent yeah just on one person I have a very good friend that I can spend

all day every day with yeah we just were in St. Louis it's this year I don't know why I'm trying to pretend yeah it's not her but we were in St. Louis for two days and then we were in Vegas for two days we slept in the same bed and spent almost every moment together yeah but that's totally normal to me is it? yeah you guys are like best friends you get each other you have a history you love each other unconditionally so of course you can spend as much time as you want with Sashir

you guys are like best buddies and I guess I don't want anything from her of course and I guess with a man or whoever I'm dating a woman whatever I want something from you. So then spending so much time is like, I guess when I date somebody, I'm like, I put in so much effort. Yes. Where is my result?

You're waiting. It's supposed to be reciprocal. Yes. When will you tell me that I am enough and you love me? But that's why dating sucks. It sucks so much. Because it's that game. Because you can't just ask people.

No. If you ask someone, they get scared. And that annoys me so much. But it's also, on the other hand, so hard to ask sometimes. Yes. I was in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man. And we could not get to a point where we could actually say certain things or ask for certain things, and it was the end of it.

I was dating a dude where I would just blurt out things I wanted. I would ball it up so much. He wasn't very good at texting me back, and I was like, this means he doesn't like me. Because you text somebody back, if you see someone's name that you like, you'll text them back. Yeah, I understand. And we were talking, and I was like, this means he doesn't like me. Because you text somebody back. If you see someone's name that you like, you'll text them back. Yeah, I understand. And we were talking. And I was like, you're bad at texting. And he was like, I know.

I leave my phone around. I was like, I know I've seen it. But you have to text me back. You just have to. And he was like, I will. I was like, if you see my name, please just try harder. He was like, I will. And I was like, I'm very chill.

I'm very chill about this. Then he made fun of me. He was like, you're very chill. And I was like, I'm very chill. I'm very chill about this. Then he made fun of me. He was like, you're very chill. And I was like, did I say it like that? He's like, no, but the implication was there. But then he got better at it and texted me every day. And I was like, okay, this is, yes. Well, you know what you're asking for there from where I stand?

It's like, you're asking to be considered. And I had a therapist say that once too, that was like, all everybody wants, and this is not just like in relationships, but it's like in general, people just want to be considered. And it's not and it didn't happen with Instagram. It didn't happen with like Twitter and Facebook. It's just nice when people somebody thinks of you, you know, and so like you want it's not just you want him to text you back. You want him to think about you wanting to be text back yes it's not just like oh i should it's like oh nicole would like this yes you know and then if you see something

in the world and you think of me text me a dang picture that's it it's just consideration yes and that's like when you get that from somebody it's so i don't know it's just it's just heartwarming it makes my you know when you get a text from somebody that you really like and then you get butterflies and then you get butterflies when you see them? Yes. I love that feeling. It is great. And it happens so rarely. It's a rare occasion.

Going on a lot of dates with Dredd. Who? Oh, I'm like, who's Dredd? Judge Dredd? I'm always going out with Judge Dredd, baby. Yeah! Datesd, baby. Yeah. Dates are so hard. I've had moments where I'm like, okay, I have all these Tinder matches.

I don't mean that in a braggy way. I mean, like, I save them and I don't do anything about them. And then I'm like, okay, I feel lonely. I'm going to go through and, like, schedule dates with the guys who are responsive. And I will line up all these dates. And I swear to you, they are responsive and i will line up all these dates and i swear to you they are and i'm a comedian like i can like have a conversation i'm genuinely interested in people and stuff and i'm exhausted not because not just so much because of me having to like put on a show

but because that dread is there of being like okay like this is square one and it's just drinks yeah this is square one i'm already exhausted i get tuckered out you get tuckered out unless it's like unless of course it's an amazing date and you're like you know you're like meeting each other so excited to go out again but then you're excited to go out again and then that tuckers me out exactly like the excitement of like it went so well the first time. I want to like look as good as I did the first time. And I hope I'm as fun the second time around. And that's exhausting.

It's exhausting. I was dating from like October to December. I was dating like four people. And I'd never done that before. And I was also touring and I was working. Oh, yeah. And it was wild in a way that I didn't understand that, like, I was constantly just so tired. Well, I have a question for you. Does it make the following sentence make sense to you?

Does it sound normal to you? I don't have time for a relationship. Yeah. Does that? Because when I hear that, I'm always like, you don't, I also feel like, and you should answer that,

but I'll say that. Actually, I take that back. No, that does not make sense. Yeah. I literally was working five days a week during the week. And then the week,

so I was working seven days a week, more or less. Yes. Sometimes with like a day or two off. And I still made time to see people. Maybe I forgot a date or two there sometimes with like a day or two off and i still made time to see people yes maybe i forgot a date or two there but like i i remembered and i because you want to see that and i wanted to see them yes so if i can do it like not i don't work i work a lot i know there's people who work more there's doctors who are on call who are like crazy hours but if i could do that with my schedule

nobody is too busy to date that's what I'm that's my thing where I guess when I hear somebody say that I'm like wait a minute I feel like that's like a privileged statement that you get to make because again not to be like not to nobody needs to play a violin or whatever but like I feel like the world I've said this to somebody somebody said it to me last night I was like oh right you said this but i say the world is the world is a bar for straight people the world the entire world any anywhere you go anywhere you go there's potential for like relationships or love or anything sex whatever it might be when you're gay or you're bi or or or you're trans or you're you know identify as something that's not quote unquote like the norm,

you have to like look harder. And then if you have a brain, you have to look even harder. And it's like, it's so when I hear people say like, I'm just not in that space right now. I'm like, can I be in that space? Yeah, I would love to be in a space where I'm like, I don't need a companion. Exactly.

I don't need sex. I don't. But like you want it. I want want it and we shouldn't be ashamed of wanting it it's just crazy that like i just i always just get i'm so like flummoxed when i hear somebody have the privilege to to say that this sort of like flippant i mean i know it's not flippant but the idea of just being able to like toss it aside and be like i'll enjoy love and sex and relation. You know, like I'll enjoy this like bizarre chemical react, you know, like scientific biological feeling when the time is right. When the time is right. When I'm ready. It's crazy.

It's insane. It's wild. I don't get it. Also. OK, here's a wild thing. So on New Year's Eve, Sashir and I took a helicopter tour of the fireworks in Las Vegas. Oh, wow. Because we love opulence.

Yes. And we're on this helicopter. It's great. How do you not know where you're going to be flying? Isn't it scary to, like, are you flying near fireworks? No, we didn't get super close, which I was really bummed about. But then thinking about it, I was like, oh, we probably would die. Yeah, I don't want you to die.

But I mean, hey, if I die in a helicopter crash, good a helicopter crash good on me okay fair also i wrote a will and it's bonkers okay okay perfect here's one of the things in my will i asked for like an open casket and for googly eyes to be placed over my eyes oh my god and i think i was like let's just keep my body funny oh my god well i love that i mean that is special i think my my funeral is gonna be pretty fun yeah i love it there's a lot of rules open casket googly eyes only and i was like oh i should have my sister hit the casket so the googly eyes move that wasn't my idea a friend of mine he was like you should do that and i was like no you're very funny um oh so while we're in this helicopter, it's like a minute to midnight.

And the guy in the back, there's five of us in it. And he was like, hey, can we turn down the music for a second? And the pilot turns down the music and he goes, hey, I don't want to go into this new year without you knowing my true feelings. And I like grabs the chair's leg and I was like, this man is going to propose. Out of the eight helicopters in the sky why am I in this one why why am I constantly surrounded by people who are happy

and in love and I hate it cause I can't fucking find it oh my god also she's from Brazil they did not seem like they knew each other this is a 90 day fiancee stitch it felt like a 90 Day Fiancé thing. And I was like, I wish there was cameras.

I wish this was 90 Day Fiancé. Oh my God. So then he proposed to her and used a little bit of Portuguese. And he's like, did I say that right? And I was like, you're proposing to this woman who speaks Portuguese and you don't know how to say a couple of things in Portuguese. Wow. And she barely speaks English. This is nuts.

And then she screamed and said yes and I was like, I hate this. How do I tuck and roll out of here? Literally. Let me just fucking

fall into a firework and die that way. That is very annoying. That is very annoying. Don't hijack my night with your joy. Truly. And then like how original

you got engaged on New Year's Eve. Oh man. It's cool. Wait, that is, it is weird if they don't really,

if they don't know each other. You can just tell. I feel like they barely knew each other. Do you watch Night of Day Fiance? Of course I do. I do a recap podcast with Marcy Jarreau. You do? Oh, my God.

Because I fucking love it. Who's your favorite? Are you watching this current season? I've just started getting into it, and I'm watching different parts, but I just I'm up. I'm with the current season and I'm I'm perpetually so creeped out by Colt. Oh, Colt and his mommy. Colty, Debbie. Did you see? so like Norman Batesy. But they're sitting at their kitchen table talking about something very serious. And behind Colt the whole time, I guess it's decoration is like a really ugly slots machine. Yes, that Colty's dad gifted his mommy. Oh, no. Is that what that is? Yes, he's hilarious.

I was like, can we get rid of this? And then Colt was like, it was a gift from my dad to Debbie, my mother. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Colt is terrifying. They're all, but they're all so scary. And I watch it and I'm like, this is, there's two things going on with it. One is that without knowing it, without knowing it, it's like, it's like anti-immigrant propaganda.

Truly, it is. Like, without a doubt, without a shadow of a doubt. It is. immigrant propaganda truly it is without a doubt without a shadow of a doubt but the other thing is that it makes it's like it also shows the the incredible privilege of straight cup straight dating heterosexual dating because it's just like we can do whatever the fuck we want i'll fucking import somebody if i want you and i'm like at the very least like give me a gay couple that's just trashy like that. I need some.

I would love to see a gay couple on 90 Day. Give me some diversity there. I want to see some crazy gay people. Well, they serve you diversity on before the 90 Days because this fat white woman goes to Nigeria. Georgia. I watched that one last night. And he loves Trump.

And I was like, I mean, that's wild. He's like, I'm going to go see Trump. Yes. And you're like, oh, no. It's so scary. I don't think Trump wants to see you. Oh, that's wild. He's like, I'm going to go see Trump. Yes. And you're like, oh, no. It's so scary. I don't think Trump wants to see you. Oh, it's so scary. I watched just that one episode last night because I was like, I'm not going to go through the whole season.

And that woman, Darcy from Connecticut. Oh, I love Darcy. She is out of her mind. Oh, my God. I love Darcy. And then what is his name? Darcy and Jesse. Jesse. Darcy. And then, uh, what is his name? Darcy and Jesse. Jesse.

Darcy, you'll ruin everything. If you don't watch 90 Day Fiancé. She's like cutting the steak with her like jersey and like nails. You have to cut it on a bias, Jesse. You have to cut it on a bias that keeps it Josie. My children want a Jersey steak.

I'm like, what? She has children and one of them is named Aspen. I'm like, I mean, I gotta get. Also, she has a single out with her sister.

That is very bad. Really? Yes. Darcy, I'm sorry. I love you, but you're not a singer. Can I also say, again, I only watched one episode, but the guy from, I guess it's the UK. Who can't get in because he can't stop fighting.

Yes. And they met on a karaoke app. Get real. Grow up. What is that? I didn't understand what she meant. I literally was like, what is a karaoke app? And secondly, Grow up. What is that? I didn't understand what she meant. I literally was like, what is a karaoke app? And secondly, am I allowed to think that he's so hot?

He's hot, but like, I worry about his brain. I think he's been knocked around just a little too much. So dumb. And like, built like an ape. Sometimes I'm like, maybe I'll get me a dumb man who just like wants to hang on every word. He likes the little Lucy. He loves Lucy. And I love that. And that she oh rachel she always has bags like she just has bags suitcases well she's always holding the baby like she's the baby's never not in her never not in her arms honestly

the show is like a sketch show everyone's playing an insane game the family of the straight men being like this is let's call that the wild thing well also the idea that they're like without saying they don't have to say it that at the editors say it by saying are the question of the show is always is this person in it for a green card yes but they can't come right out and say it they let a couple of ancillary characters maybe say it and you know in a hot headed scene but really it's like the editors are like taunting us by being like. The editors should be paid an astronomical amount of money because they truly serve it to you.

It is a dream. Honestly, the show is such a dream. And it is such anti-immigrant propaganda for anybody who's a Trumper. Yes, because then they're just like, oh, so everyone. Everyone. They're here for us. We need that wall. We need tighter immigration because they're just coming over to what?

Yes, to do what? To do what? I just, the world is so crazy. Wait, are you on apps right now? Yeah. What apps are you on? Well, I do Tinder. Okay.

Which I'm still, I still am disheartened by Tinder because, do you know Lane Moore? I don't know her personally. Yeah. She's at live show. She has a show called Tinder live and we did it live where she basically swipes through Tinder live in front of the audience. And I was like, Oh my God, like she's,

we're doing, we're giving such like, like timely, thoughtful, you know, questions. We're really being thoughtful about making a choice of swiping left or right whereas i feel like tinder is a it's like a dumpster of yes like i get i feel like i

get pictures that are like from 20 years ago they're out of focus they they're really weird people i don't look human terrible pictures yeah i guess they do and i've stopped judging pictures so much i'll just i'll go i i basically go out with anybody yeah at this point you you'll just go out with anybody because if we match maybe something good will happen well i have that attitude too but i'm but i'm still so freaked out by the fact that the pictures look either like they were a mistake like they don't look they've if a person doesn't know anything about filters or angles with iphones i'm like i don't i just don't understand what's going on on the other end well for a gay man i mean this is being stereotypical but i feel like gay men would be

better at taking pictures i would think so gay men well we have in like yeah image issues but like they like major vanity issues yeah look good a lot of gay men I know work out because they want to look good so I'm like y'all should be good at the pictures straight men on the other hand

are so privileged I think that they're like well women just want someone who's not going to murder them so as long as I don't murder whatever picture I want

it's crazy but also I'll say that once Tinder started I still am I'm still repulsed by the one thing that we don't even notice when we are on tinder which is that when you swipe right I think it says like yeah like there's a check mark or something I forget I think it says it's a match when you match oh when you match when it when you but when you swipe left

on somebody there's a stamp yeah and it says nope and when i did it when i first had tinder i was like that is so mean and to be thought of as somebody who gets the nope uh-huh broke my heart oh no like how dare we how dare we think of like that to me is the equivalent of when people say like i'd hit it or when men talk about women that way. And it drives me crazy because it's like, no one is asking you whether or not you would hit it. You are not in charge. You are not in charge. I mean, you're in charge of your own swipe and destiny. I guess you are.

Now I'm very sad to think about how many no stamps have been on my face. Fuck you. Nope. I was doing a show in St. Louis and I was talking i was like is anyone here on tinder and for whatever reason people really love heckling me during shows oh and so she was doing some time on my shows and i was like does this happen to you she was like no no the way these people talk to you is insane oh no psa please don't talk to me. Yeah, leave me alone. Unless I ask you like a pointed question, please stop yelling nailed it at me. I love my show.

I love it. I know I'm on it. You don't have to yell. Also, it's triggering. Whenever people are just like nailed it, like in the world, I'm like, ah. Because I hear it so much. Oh, it's crazy. I love it.

But boy. So anyway, I was talking about Tinder and this guy in the front row or this woman in the front row, she was like, I saw it so much. Oh, it's crazy. I love it. But, oh, boy. So anyway, I was talking about Tinder. And this guy in the front row or this woman in the front row, she was like, I saw you on Tinder. Or maybe it wasn't you. And I was like, it was. I'm here in the city. Oh, my God. It was me.

I'm here. And she was like, well, I'm going to. And I was like, shh. No. We don't have to talk about this. We don't have to do this. We don't have to do this. Then I thought about getting a matchmaker.

Oh. And my friend about getting a matchmaker. Oh. And my friend is doing this matchmaker, and it's like $5,000. What? And I was like, I can't spend $5,000 on someone maybe finding me a man. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You don't need that. It's so much money. You do not need that. That is nuts. It is. You do not need that. I'm telling you. Just hear much money you do not need that that is nuts you do not need that

i'm telling you just hear me you do not need a matchmaker keep swiping well it's like an endless it isn't it is it can become an a crippling maw you know like this like echo chamber of of just it's not even like rejection it's just it is it's a feel it can feel very sad because you're treating humans like stock or like yeah you know like like a checklist and it's awful and and and my mom is my mom was saying to me i you know um over the holidays she was like what she's like do you what did she say she was like with these apps she's like everything is based on what somebody looks like and i was like yeah and she goes do you only want to date people you're like that you think look good and i was like well yeah i mean i'm not going to date somebody who i'm not

attracted i'm like yeah and she's like but it's so looks based i'm like well do you think dad is attractive and she's like of course and i'm like well this is just a more you know hyper focused millennial version of it yeah version of is this person attractive or not but i still remember do you remember that website in early internet hot or not yeah that was uh late high school for me and i was petrified when my friend put my picture on it oh but i got an eight which was great there you go i'll take an eight know. Nobody ever put my picture on it. Thank God. Over the holidays, I went through all of my school pictures. Oh, wow.

And I was not cute. Not cute for, oh, also, I never smiled in pictures. Oh, no. And my elementary school pictures were black and white and not lit for black people. Right, of course. Because I went to school with all white kids. Of course. So it was just this little black blob where you could see my eyes oh no and I just looked so angry no smile oh no and

I looked like I was trying to like I look like 11 you know like 11 yes yes it's like the blood that's what I look like in every single school picture from elementary school. Oh my God. I hated school. Of course. Hated it so much. I had ADD. Nobody could, nobody understood why, because I, it manifested in me in a way like a little boy. Like I was hyperactive. I talked too much. And, but then also I was like aloof.

Yeah. So like I would be just daydreaming about shit. My teacher would be like, Nicole. And I'd be like, hmm. That's my name. And I'm not sure what we've been talking about no weird little kid yeah it was just so hard i had a i was a very strict i was a very strange kid and like i think it's like kind of queer but not like in a sexual way but i was like i was like i'm the president of of kids like i was just like i'm i'm a kid professionally. And I like wrote, I would like write articles for like the local newspaper.

Oh my God. I was such a twerp. I was such a little twerp and I was afraid of everything. But I was like, I'm the kid president. I'm the president of all the kids. And I'm here to speak on behalf of kids. I was like such a weirdo. Love that.

Such a weirdo. I was like, leave me the fuck alone and let me just twirl around um i got this tinder message from this guy who keeps messaging me okay so on the march 29th he said hey nicole i like i like two pineapple hat so in one of my pictures i am holding a cocktail in a gold pineapple cup with like a little pint, like it had a little topper and I was like wearing it as a hat because I'm cute. And I was like, great, not responding to that. So then he said on May 11th, so what's up, Nicole?

We're going to get that D and the V this weekend. And by D and V, I mean dinner and vanilla dessert, which was, I had a bunch of acronyms on my profile. So I think he was trying to be cute. And then, and I didn't respond because his first picture looked good and that's why we matched but then I went through his pictures and was like oh what a misleading picture I think you look more like your insane picture yes so then July 30th he said hello Nicole why do you never holler back you're killing my ego lol cry face and then December 23rd at 9 a.m. He said, so I might just be the greatest stick you never had, but you'll never know until you try. And I want to be like, what indication, what context clue have you gotten from my non-responsive that I'm dying for you to continue to message me?

Well, I think at a certain point, it's just like male ego is that fragile. And he's just like, nope, I deserve it. I got I'm going to get this. And it's like, I guess you're never going to respond. It's only going to make you respond less. Never, ever going to respond to no interest there. No. Also, you haven't said anything.

That's like a conversation open. Like you haven't been a normal person. But wait. But on the other hand, why won't you just like unmatch him i don't know yeah i guess content to read on my podcast i guess i date in two lanes where i'm like this person's insane i'll keep this conversation open so i can read it to america yes read it to the pod and then there's another lane where i'm like i won't read any of this yeah it's just scary it's just scary it's so scary i went on i started dating this guy recently who i at first we went on a date it was based off of tinder and i could not um how do i put this i could he made my head

hurt oh no he was like so smart but so eccentric and so um the way he speaks and communicates is like a little off and i was like this is too this is like too complicated i said like you're really special but you make my head hurt and he was he was like it's okay like he understands that that's how the people like you know kind of um experience him so i was very much like freaked a little intimidated not freaked out intimidated and then on our second date it i was overthinking it and then it was like wait just have fun with him because he's actually funny and truly weird true weirdo and then it started to get good and then we had a very very awkward awkward day trip that was very tense and really was very, very awkward and tense. And then we had started talking about politics.

Oh, no. And it was not a happy ending. I feel like you got to save politics for maybe you don't save it. I don't know. It's just day three or four. Polarizing. Yeah. don't save it i don't know it's just day three or four polarizing yeah it was like a i got lectured for not equating hillary to trump okay i was like no they are not the same and he was don't think they're the same i said they are not i do they are not the same and he called me classist

oh he said that uh he did he did admit to voting for uh jill stein so oh come on voting for jill stein's literally voting for santa claus exactly i mean come on yeah i mean he's a sweet guy but we that was a very like it wasn't that was like the the tail and the what is it nail in the nail in the coffin yeah the nail in the coffin isn't it interesting that trump has been president for two years don't you feel like it's been 47 years it's astounding we have two more years it's astounding we're only halfway there but i still have i still have moments where out of nowhere it'll be i'll have like a flashback to literally to like the most mundane experience in like 2015 or 14 or whatever. And I'm like, whoa, like who? In that moment, there was never a chance in my head that this is where we would be.

I mean, when he won that Republican nomination, I was like, this is it. He's going to be our president. All my friends of color were like, this is it. Like, this is it. And I was like, no, it of color were like uh this is it like this is it and yeah i was like no it's not like people are not and then it happened and my friends of color were like yeah i like we've seen it right before the election was posting so much i'm like you don't get it he's their obama yes he's he's he's the yeah he's the obama to people who uh are like he's change and he keeps saying like like, what was Obama's slogan?

It was change. Yes, we can. Yes, we can and change or whatever. And it was like, make America great again. Yeah, it's a great slogan. And then Hillary didn't even have a slogan. And then one girl did not even campaign. She literally campaigned on like, this is my time.

Yeah, I'm ready. That's not how you do it. Yeah, you can't just do it that way. But also, I was like, like he i don't know i guess in my head i was like it's like the that dress remember that like that dress where it was like is it black black and blue or white and gold or whatever that was really weird it was white and gold i only saw black and blue i didn't i couldn't even see a glimmer of white and gold if i started hard enough black and blue. That's so crazy.

That is so crazy. But that to me is Trump where it's like, I look at him and I see blue and gold or I see like, you know, orange and deeper orange and everyone else sees, you know, these people who see, they look at him and hear him and they see this like superhero, a man of the people. And it's like, he's disgusting. He's terrible. Also also where's baron where the fuck is baron we haven't seen baron in a year i don't think and i know everyone's leave the kid alone i'm like no no no what's going on but where is he the fuck is that did

they lose him in the white house i know it's pretty big where Where the fuck is Barrett? He did his own escape from Dannemora through the white mess. He built a tunnel and left. Oh, my God. I'm going to read to you another. So I got a Hinge message. Also, my therapist, I had a real rough December with dating. And I can't get into it. What is Hinge again?

Hinge is, I think, allegedly, it was like people you have in common on Facebook. Right. But I don't have a real Facebook page. I just have like a Nicole Byer Canadian page. Do you use Hinge regularly? I do, because it seems like people are a little bit more civilized on it. Okay. Are you on Raya?

I am on Raya. Okay. I use Raya, too. Raya did not work. How long did it take for you to get on raya uh you mean like since it's like like like when you applied um i got one of those friend um referrals so it was pretty quick i also got a friend referral and it took two years two years really uh-huh so David, he wrote to me and was like, so on Hinge, it's like pictures, and then you answer little questions.

So it's like you don't have to write an About Me section, which I like. Yes, of course. Because I feel like an About Me section is so convoluted in a way that's like, how do you want me to do? I like to do fun shit, and I don't know how to tell you that in any other way. So it was like, what do you want to be when you grow up?

And I said, a bus driver and mechanic, because I love cars. And then he said, I'm glad you became a writer. You're very funny. I caught you on MTV a couple times, well, before I turned 40. So then I matched with him, and then he wrote, hi, Nicole, appreciate your talent for writing. It's funny. I said, oh, thank you so much. And then I haven't

heard from him. And I was like, so you matched? Why? Why? Why? Can I tell you why in the heyday of ok cupid i even before ghosting was a term i swore that there was some version something going on in the algorithm where they did this what you're getting on hinge where they purposely and i know it's like a conspiracy theory but my hunch was that they went in and there was some algorithm at play that there was a level of you were talking, talking, talking, and then somebody disappears for no apparent reason. And I truly was, I hypothesized that this was like an OKCupid way of continuing to feed the beast where you were like where the fuck is he and then you're just like no i'm gonna keep going and i'm gonna keep looking for other

matches now look i could i know i'm probably wrong but like this when you have this behavior it's so crippling when you're like where the fuck did you go where the fuck are you yeah where you have to then like yes you have to like try to mend that people And I've had people go away and then a year later be like, hey, so sorry. Yeah, I'm like, where'd you go? What? Where did you go? You can't say, where did you go? Because then you seem insane because you're like, were you pining for me for a year?

And it's like, no, I'm just very curious as to where the fuck you went. That's all I want to know is just where you went. Here's a question. So you are an actor, a comic. You've got a fabulous show that I wish i could do but i cannot sing oh i want to do haunting rendition so bad but i cannot sing and you've appeared on broad city which is a wildly popular show yes has dating changed since your career has elevated yeah it's that it's definitely and i'm sure you experience this too where it's like

it gets weird because because when somebody's like i mean i'm like a you know i'm like the a j list celebrity you know but like like a basic cable like whatever you know recurring character celebrity but nevertheless like because broad city is so has such a cult following and appeals to such a distinct audience, it does get weird sometimes if somebody's trying to, like, not get dirt, but, like, really ingratiate themselves in a way where I'm like, yeah, please don't ask that. Or, you know, like, no. What's the wildest thing you've been asked on a date in reference to your career? Can we hang out with your sister? I'm like, cool, cool, cool. I'm like, no, no.

That's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's so minimizing and patronizing. Yes. But it's also crazy. It's just the gall.

The gall. Okay, so I got to Elliot. I'm going to get to Alana this way. It's so weird. And I'm just going to ask. That's crazy. Because then it's like, for what? For what?

What do you think is going to happen? And to me, the reason it's crazy is because at that moment, I'm like, so you're somebody who, like, watches TV, believes that TV is real. That she is that exact person. So much so that you're going to use me to get to the TV character. Like, you care that much? Like, follow her on Instagram. It is so, it's weird. It's super weird.

That is very wild. Very wild. Very depressing. At least, has it ever, does it happen in the beginning? Or have you, like, dated someone for a while? Oh, no, no. Beginning, beginning. Good.

Beginning. Good. No, if, and I wouldn't, I couldn't, I don't know what I would do if I was, like, dating somebody and they were, like, said that. That would be so sad that, like, you put in all the work. Well, here's's you know the other the flip side of that is that like i was in a very serious relationship for a long time in new york um when i still live there and after we broke up you know it was that whole thing where it's

like oh who gets to keep the friends and you know whatever you're trying to like maintain relationships with your friends of his and his friends of yours and it's messy you know there's always it's always like that but so i had like my friendship with two of his best friends ended pretty poorly because there was just miscommunication and you know the way it is so a year passes at least and i get a um phone call from italy i'm like what like in the middle of the night like a phone call from like a european zip code or whatever and i'm just ignored it makes no sense and then i get an email the next day from this couple that i was friends with who i lost touch with because things got

weird and they were like you know they were just like really sweet and like we live in italy now and they were really like you know wanted to like mend the mend fences or whatever and just like kind of get back on this at least be you know pleasant and and you know cordial with talking to each other and hearing how each other were doing I was like great I can do that like and they live in Italy it's not like I'm you know whatever so you'll never see them I'm never gonna see you again so I'm like that's that's nice like that's like kind of sweet and uplifting and so we just kind of sent a couple emails back and forth to just chat, you know, just catch up with each other. And then maybe, maybe a month later, if not even that long, I got an email from half of the couple, one of the guys. And he was like, hey, so my brother's girlfriend is starting a like shoe line or something.

Is there any way that you could see if she could get like a brand deal on Broad City? And I was like, are you fuck? Like, it's not even this guy. It's his brother's girlfriend. And I'd never met his. I mean, I'd never met this brother. No less. i'm like that is so bonkers to me after all the show we went through this is what you think is like the

cool thing to do oh it was this it was the weirdest grimiest creepiest so fucking gross i'm very glad i've never experienced that oh it's so great right gross i just have people asking me to make videos for their children or for their friends children or like children in their classroom okay and the answer is yes i'll do it for 10 million dollars yeah of course give me 10 million work for free yeah it's crazy now i'm not making a fucking video for your kid also i have no idea what to ever say i'm like stay in school uh i hope you stay a fan that's like so that's so our generation stay in school don't do drugs it's like or don't stay in school and also drop out i didn't get a degree who cares and i love drugs elliot would you would you date me i would date

you so hard what a dream sometimes i i truly feel like I would have, I would be like booed up and married if I was just a man. Yeah. I think I'd be, I think I would thrive as a gay man. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's like, it's easy to say that, but if you have, I don't know, it's easy to, it's so hard to be gay, I think. It's so hard, but gay guys make it look easy. And I don't think and I think that actually kind of sucks because it's not it's not it's not real. Like, it's really hard to be gay. And I think there's this idea that like, I don't know, I think of like the modern family guys where they're like, everything's fine. And, you know, it's like, yeah, but there's intricacies. And like as with two women or any non-hetero couple, it's like you're trying to like put the pieces together, but there's no real rubric for exactly how to do it. And so it's complicated because it has to be subjective. You have to figure it out yourself more than the straight man and woman who can like look at the fucking Bachelor or any fairy tale and be like, here's how it goes.

Why don't they do like a same-sex bachelor or bachelorette well they did with guys oh they did yeah that was called like fine finding prince charming i think i never watched it just have it be part of the bachelor franchise yeah i mean i think you're absolutely right i they've only had one black bachelor yeah the bachelor is i don't watch it but it looks so it seems so fucked i don't understand what it. Yeah, it's a bunch of women trying to fuck one mediocre dude. For no reason though, right? For no reason.

For like literally no fame. It's my last chance to love. And I was like, bitch, just go out in the world. Just walk outside. What are you doing? I think the only trouble I'd have as a gay man is I would look exactly like Kenan Thompson. Kenan's adorable. I think Kenan's really cute.

I think we look a lot alike and earlier in my career people would send me pictures of us together like just like photoshop together and be like never seen you in the same place oh don't do that to me oh can i tell you how this year finally people have started saying you know who you look like and i brace i grit my teeth i brace for it i'm waiting for like something horrible and they tell me johnny galecki from big bang and i'm like honestly i'm like i'll i'll i'm like thank you so much he is normal and like like they're not anything like it's fine i i'm like i will take because i don't want to hear something like scary i don't want to hear something scary i did a show at largo and was walking out

after and this man goes reda reda reda and i turned around reda was not there and i was like this man thinks i'm red oh my god red is taller than me a little older than me yeah and also our faces are completely different completely different i get reda gabrielle sidibe amber riley jill scott any famous black woman who's a slightly overweight whoopie goldberg ruby d ruby d uh eartha kitt haddie mcdale uh they're like you weren't gone with the wind right you're the man oh my god i'm like did. And I'm back from the fucking dead. That is insane. Elliot, we've come to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, my podcast.

A podcast I do that you've been on so kindly. It's called You're Making It Worse. And it's with H. Allen Scott and Brent Sullivan. And we talk about gay mindlessness and how we can try to help. And you also did a web series of the same name. That was actually called It Gets. Oh, yes. Haunting Renditions. The web series. Wait a i'm i'm confusing my own brands you really are

you're making it worse as a podcast but also do you do videos no we did a web series called it gets better ish oh you were in that as well okay but that was years ago i'm in all your content you really are when is your next haunting renditionsitions? It is February 9th at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. It's a great show. Thanks. Elliot has a beautiful voice. Thanks. And you find comedians with great voices.

We try. And you rearrange songs. Yeah, we rearrange bad songs into good songs. It's truly a joy. You just got an Instagram comment from, you know Larry Owens? No. He's a brilliantly funny New York comic and has an amazing voice. I'm like in love with him.

We did a rendition, a haunting rendition of Why Did You Do That from Stars Born. Yes. And you know how, I don't know if you know this or like who cares, but like there was a whole back and forth, a debate like about whether the song is supposed to be bad. And Diane Warren, who wrote it, you know, she's written, like, all those huge songs, has, like, come out and been like, no, it's supposed to be a good pop song. It's a perfect pop song. And we posted it.

And, like, Haunting of Traditions doesn't have, like, a huge Instagram following on its own handle, per se. She found it and commented on it and was like, what's so wrong with trying to make a good pop song, by the way? And then wrote something like, but by the way, you sound great. And I was like, oh my God, Diane Warren. I love that she found it. She found it. Also, let's just settle it.

It is a great pop song. I think it's a great song. And I think the lyrics are on the nose for what her point is in her career. Exactly. But it's a great pop song. The lyrics are clunky, but the music is great. Yes. And it it should be clunky like you said yes i think it's like she's performing on snl like he starts drinking again i fucking love to star as boy i really liked it a lot lady gaga's forehead did not move one time and that should get an award exactly that doctor

fucking botox the fuck out of her and uh the uh mus uh sam elliott's mustache also like oh my god that deserves its own Oscar. And then Bradley doing some Sam Elliott cosplay. Oh, my God. And then when Sam Elliott goes, you stole my voice. I laughed so hard. I laughed so hard, too. I laughed.

That was the funniest scene in the movie. It was so funny. Why was that so funny? I don't know. Because it was like, who is he, Ursula? Yeah, exactly. And then the point right before the climax of the movie where he stares into the camera. I was like, I love that Bradley Cooper directed himself to stare into the lens of a camera.

Also, I love his dog. That's his real dog. Oh, that dog was so cute. That's his real dog? Yeah. That dog deserves an Oscar. I want that dog. All right.

We got to get the fuck up out of here because I got another guest. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't you date me please like and subscribe rate it five stars um if you send me something nasty via a dm uh on itunes i'll read it so this person said they dm'd me on instagram they said i want to use that ass as my waffle bowl while i'm using your pussy as a hot tub just soak in that puss and gobble up them extra syrupy waffles. I have no idea what that means,

but you tried, and I thoroughly appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening. Bye-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.