Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Arranged Marriages (w/ Hari Kondabolu)

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Stand-up comedian Hari Kondabolu (The Problem with Apu, host of Politically Re-Active) joins Nicole to break down some common misconceptions about arranged marriages, shares how he met his wife on Facebook, and discusses the importance of having personal space in any relationship. Nicole reflects on an odd conversation she had on a date about dingleberries, plus shares dating advice she received from John Cena while on the set of Wipeout. Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you asked me to give you $100 every day, I would do it. Okay, my guest today... My guest today has written for Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell, is written for totally biased with w camille bell uh has written for it also

created and produced the problem with a poo he's a stand-up he's fabulous also i'm deadly afraid of mispronouncing his name even though i think i can do it it's harry conda no wait harry con Hari Kanda. No, wait. Hari Kanda Bolo. Yeah. Yes. And here's the thing. It's just pronounced phonetically. It's pronounced the way it's spelled. That is right. And I think what happens is like, I'm like, oh boy, it's long. This is going to be hard for me. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. All right. I'm very sorry. I struggled through it.

It's okay. I feel like this is, I mean, I'm sure it's happened for a very long time. It has, it has, but the fact you put in the extra effort means a lot. Most people, you know, they don't bother and it's like, well, you're going to get what you get. And that's that. And you put in the effort and you really got it. And it means a lot. Oh, well, thank you. I am constantly mispronouncing people's names i just i don't know i guess i just

like look at letters and i'm like this and they're like no i had to do uh i think it was tcas yeah television critics association they so uh netflix wanted me to like host it, which is weird. And I had to introduce the cast of One Day at a Time. And those are Latinx names. And I wasn't there. Some of them are very long. And I looked at them and I was like, Oh, no, I'm gonna mispronounce these people's names. And this is like, not okay. Like, they're very proud of the show. They're presenting the show. And last thing you want is like, someone mispronouncing your name when you're trying to promote something. So I was like, can we do it phonetically? So they wrote it phonetically in the prompter and I still had so much trouble. So I just like, after the first lady, I was like, okay, everyone, I'm going to mispronounce everyone's names. It's just, it's inevitable.

I'm so sorry. So when you come to stage, please correct me. And you don't have to be nice or you can't be nice, whatever you want. And then it it was like funny and then steven very easy last name i don't know it was someone with like an easy last name so i fucked that up real hard and he looked at me and he's like how did you mess that one up and i was like uh-oh you don't understand game okay also for the sake of consistency you messed it up it would have been weird if you had gotten it right. Yes, it definitely would have been. Hari, okay, my listeners can't see this. You're wearing this, like, stunning orange shirt.

It's a real nice color. I have never worn this shirt, and I was going through my wardrobe, and I realize it's not live and all that, but I'm like, I really want to look good today. And so I decided to bring out this orange shirt for the first time. Honestly, I think you got to bring it out a lot of times so you look good, baby. I do. Ari, are you single?

Married? Okay. I am in a long-term relationship um me and my partner jocelyn live in brooklyn and we have a four-month-old baby oh is it a good baby or a bad baby um today he well i don't know with babies like is it because good and bad almost sounds like a value judgment i don't know he was he was good in bed almost sounds like a value judgment. I don't know. He was screaming his head off a few hours ago,

and then we put a bear suit on him so he looks like a cute little bear cub. And you know what? All is forgiven. You know? It's beautiful. Babies are funny. I used to nanny for a super long time, and I figured it out. I was like, oh, I feel like this baby only wants like one of three things.

It's like either he's hungry, he needs a diaper change or he just wants like attention. Correct. Yeah. That's like, that's about it. Also sleep. Sleep.

Babies want to nap. Yeah. If you miss that nap, it's like your fault. Even though you party, he's like, just go to sleep. You want to go to sleep.

And then you're like, they don't know how. They don't know how yet. They don't know how to just to go to sleep. Whenever you're like just go to sleep you want to go to sleep and you're like they don't know how they don't know how yet they don't know how to just to go to sleep whenever you had to put them to sleep that is so crazy to not know how to go to sleep i never thought of it like oh yeah babies they don't know how to do anything you have to train them out of like at this point it's like oh yeah the thing where the the giant shows up the one with milk or the milk adjacent and you know cradles me back and forth while i scream and eventually i lose consciousness that's what sleep is and you have to realize that

at some point there is no giant involved and you're on your own but you know imagine if like you never realized that in your whole life has been waiting for people to lift you up to put you down honestly i would like it i would like to be lifted up and rocked to sleep that might just be like the effects of 2020 but like right now that sounds really nice i'm just imagining like the type like the person who would get that job like if you were super rich and you still wanted to be like cradled to sleep, it's like, like former NBA superstars who like, I rock, I rock Bill Gates now. That's what I do.

I actually rock human beings in my arms to sleep. Yeah. I last night was having a conversation with a nice man who lives with me. And he was like, I wish there, we were watching the real housewives and there was a baby and like one of those baby, I don't know, vibrating seats. and there was a baby and like one of those baby i don't know vibrating seats and he was like i want one of those they don't make them for adults and i was like why don't they that might be nice and therapeutic for some adults oh

my god we have a crib called the snoo and uh it's it's a a crib that you put the baby in first of all you have to strap the baby down which is a little weird but you got that you put the baby in. First of all, you have to strap the baby down, which is a little weird. But you have to strap the baby down, and the baby's going to be screaming and stuff. And it slowly rocks left and right. And if the baby's still losing it, it increases speed and makes a lot of white noise. And then it increases speed more and makes more white noise. And it just kind of keeps getting higher until the baby calms down a little bit. And then it slowly lowers the

shaking and it's not really shaking more than like back and forth kind of rotating um initially i'm like this seems like something you shouldn't do with a baby considering they tell you not to shake babies and not move them uh but apparently this uh this doctor has perfected this crib and it is incredibly effective and i told my brother about this and he saw videos you can see videos of these babies in these snooze and it's hilarious and he was all about an adult one like an adult robot crib that slowly lulls you to sleep it's called a snooze crib no a snoo s-n-o-o oh that's not how I was spelling it. It's ridiculous, but if they made adult versions, like, oh, God, people would...

We didn't even buy it. It's too expensive, so we rent it. What? You rent? Whoa. This is next level. You can rent a crib? Yeah, you can rent a crib. Yeah, it's not...

I'm successful, but not own a robot crib i'm successful but not own a robot crib successful i'm a renting robot crib successful i mean i get it but this is the i guess you can rent whatever you want it's crazy yeah it's so wild okay i have a question how did you meet your partner um what story have we been going with now um uh I mean there was I saw like something I hate saying because it just sounds so bad because it's the thing that's ruined the world but I was on Facebook and uh there was uh a woman posted something on the feed and I didn't recognize who she was, especially early on with Facebook. I was just like befriending everybody. And then after a while, I'm like, I only befriend people I know or who are cute.

And that became the standard. And so I didn't know who this person was. And I'm like, but we have all these friends in common, including my brother and friends of my brother, which was kind of initially was like, that's probably a bad sign if she's friends with uh my brother and friends of my brother which was kind of initially was like that's probably a bad sign if she's friends with people my brother knows um but um you know she liked my work and she used to listen to my podcast with w command bell and um so we started chatting and then i just got sick like i don't want to like i had been doing like

bumble and all that stuff and i just i'm, I don't want to do this chatting stuff. I was pretty much done with that whole era of my life. And I'm like, this person seems interesting. Why don't we just talk on the phone? And we spoke on the phone like it was 10 years ago. And it was great. And we kept talking on the phone. And the next thing I know, we're living together. And it's been on the phone. And, you know, the next thing I know, we're living together. And it's been almost three years. And, yeah, we have a baby.

That's cute. I like that. That is so wild that only three years ago you met on Facebook. And then we're like, let's talk on the phone. And, yeah, it seems like it almost is an old-timing tale. And it's definitely not old timey We moved in within three months Of like knowing each other

It was really like She was living in Boston She had just gotten her masters And she was heading back to New York And needed a place to live And I don't know I just kind of knew Which I assumed she also knew

But she has told me like Yeah I didn't know I just figured it was free rent but like I kind of like I think I'm supposed to do this and so I said do you want to live with me until you find a place to live and she's like okay and you know

we're still living together so that's cute I really like that you do and she was just like meh let's try this let's see what happens I got loans to pay off let's try this let's see what happens i i got loans to pay off let's just save some money for a few months and find the next sucker um no i mean like it i don't know my gut i kind of knew and it just we clicked and you know it's great so let's see it was like long distance so you were how long were you long distance not that long

just a couple of months. Cause she was about, she was finishing school. So she was about to move back to New York anyway. So, you know, and she'd lived in New York for a decade. And so like, you know, it was, she knew it and it was home and she had friends and a life here. And, but yeah, like it was, it was pretty rapid, you know? Cause it's like, she'd come to visit a few times, you know?

And we, like, there was a stretch, you know, because it's like she'd come to visit a few times, you know, and like there was a stretch. I think for three out of four weeks, she took the bus down from Boston to hang out with me. And like it was like, oh, this is special. You don't just do that. And plus, it was kind of clear that there is lots of chemistry and we really enjoy each other's company. And it's still a bit of a jump. It's a bit of a jump because I'd never lived with somebody before outside of a roommate. So it's still a bit of a jump it's a bit of a jump to live because i'd never lived with somebody before oh like outside of a roommate so it's like i've never lived i've had long-term relationships i've never lived with somebody hey person i've known for two months

via the thing that is destroying democracy why don't we move in together i've also never lived with a significant other i i'm worried about what it would be like To wake up in a bed with somebody every day And be like, do you not have another bed? And it's like, no No, they don't Well, it was also She moved into my studio apartment

That I had lived in for eight years So it was two people We had just basically met Living together in a studio apartment Oh, dang. It was in New York. It's a tiny studio. And, you know, I'd lived there eight years.

I didn't have pictures on the wall. I didn't. It's like I just. She's like, how long have you been here? Because there's still like a pile of boxes and stuff. And it's like, oh, this is my end of my eighth year living in this apartment. So she also kind of moved into like this mess. And it's like a hard thing to live.

To live with anybody is hard. To live with them in a place where there is no escape. Like we just moved into a three bedroom. But, you know, the first two plus years of our relationship, like if we had a fight, the only place to go was the bathroom. Like that's the only place which tactically is a good move because eventually the one who needs to use the bathroom has to go is the bathroom. Like that's the only place, which tactically is a good move because eventually the one who needs to use the bathroom has to apologize.

But it's like you realize how much personal space is important in a relationship. Even if it's a bathroom, you need something where you can kind of decompress without the other person at times. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Because I live in like a bigger place than my old apartment. And it is nice to be able to be like, goodbye. Like, I don't see my roommate, like, goodbye, maybe we had a fight or like, even when we're like, okay, it's just nice to be like, you're

not in my face all the time right no that's absolutely like look i had you know my my brother's you know one of my best friends and we're close and we shared rooms and stuff and it was great but like it's different do you know what i mean like the dynamics of siblings are so different than a partner like you know I just feel like sometimes, you know, I get it. Like, less so for me, but I think more for Joss. I think there were times where I'm like, I just don't want to see this person right now. It's technically his apartment, but I don't want him here right now. Like, I understand. like i understand like you just you you i think part of it is like you want to

that you know we all are versions of ourselves with different people you know like and i'm assuming there are times where you know you want to be a version of yourself that's not the version you are with your partner and without another room that's really difficult yeah very very difficult because they're like oh i didn't know i didn't know you said words like that i'll never forget my i got suspended from school for calling my teacher a cunt because she was a white lady and white people really are affected by that word what year was this when was this was this this was my i think sophomore no no it was my junior or senior year that's when i had to because my mom high school yeah of high school and my dad like they called my dad they told my dad what i said and my dad

was like nicole who taught you that word and i was like i don't know i was watching british television and i just you know heard the word cunt and i was like i better call somebody that it must have been your senior year like your junior year is like your most important year of high school would you have really said it then maybe i mean i didn't really care about school i was like i'm gonna be an actress i don't need to do good in school i'm going to new york city yeah so like pre-sats the psat sats none of that was important to me uh also i it was really hard for me to take the sats because i didn't know i had add and they put me in this room with a big window and then there was a big dog outside and i was

like what's that dog doing and then they were like hand in your test and i was like oh boy yeah it was very very hard uh you said earlier that she moved into your i'm still dealing with the dog in the window as if someone planted it there just to like just so i wouldn't be able to take my test he was like one of those like shaggy fun big dogs that look like so much fun yeah and like the owner was playing with him for like a long time it was it was really it was bad i did not score very high on my sats i used to lie about what i got but i think it was like i don't know maybe 800 or 600 it was low like i was, I just couldn't take it. And then I was just like filling in any bubble I could. Um, but you had mentioned that she moved into your studio.

You had been there eight years. You still had boxes on the floor. Is that, I know it's not specific to men or male skewing people who identify as men uh but i've been to so many apartments where the dude's mattress is on the floor and they have like and it looks like a murderer's lair yeah and i'm like is this a choice or did your mother never tell you things look nice on the wall like i don't can you break it down do you know why i mean oh god i don't i've been trying to i mean do you know you know julio torres the comedian yeah he yeah julio's so funny he has a he has this hbo his hbo special is great but like he had a joke i think it was on seth myers and he talked about how he has a a straight dude friend and he wanted to get him something for his birthday so he got him an empty

gatorade bottle to put in his room and i just thought and it was like oh my god he got us he got us that's right i yeah i don't know it's this it's this weird feeling of i'll get to it later or i'll just do it all at once as if cleanliness is not something that's constant and something you have to do. It's almost like, you know, like there's one thing when it's like the dishes pile up, you know. Then it's like the dishes pile up weekly because that's your thing. Every week you do the dishes once. And you don't take just as if it's like, I don't even know. Like everything's like once a week or every other week.

And it's like that doesn't work that way when you know I think part of it might be because I know that every time I've had a partner I've tried harder whether or not they told me to

like certainly like their influence is huge but like I'm like I better get rid of these gatorade bottles like i better i want them to come over so i better make my bed or i better clean these dishes and i don't even you know when you're cleaning your dishes and you're like oh i remember that from two weeks ago it's like that's not good and so but i feel like if you were a single person, single man living alone, it almost feels like what's the incentive? As opposed to just staying clean and being a living thing in the world that's functioning, a functioning adult. It's like, especially when you're like, maybe it's not profession focused, but as a comedian, there's that added like, like you almost treat your place like a hotel room

because you're not there that much anyway you're traveling constantly so this is just the hotel i stay at in new york where i live you know it's it becomes very easy to just and at some point it's like wait how come the no one's cleaned this room and it's like right because i live here i'm the one who has to clean the room yeah that does that does make sense. I once dated a guy who the first time I went to his house, I was like, okay, this is rather clean. He's got a bed frame.

He's got dresser drawers. This is okay. This is cute. His bathroom is like could be better but it's like not a thousand crusted over towels that uh that are on the floor this is okay and then we were talking about something he was like you ever get a dingleberry and i was like what he was like have you ever had a dingleberry and i said

like a like a clump of shit out of like my butt like that's just there and he's like well that's what a dingleberry is i was like no no i've never had a dingleberry he's like oh i've had them a couple times and i'm like wow that's not okay and i was like why is he telling me this does he not want me to fuck him tonight because i will it's just gonna be in the back of my mind why did why did he do that i don't know i never got the answer as to why he thought it was okay to tell me that i don't wait so it's almost like he had a certain level of cleanliness in terms of his home yes but i guess he was like i may look clean but that ass is dirty

which is not the way it should. I'd rather a clean ass, dirty home. It was so strange. How did he segue into that? Like, how do you even begin that conversation? I, I'm trying to think, I feel like it was like out of nowhere.

Maybe he was, I was also late and he didn't like that. I was always late to things. So maybe my punishment for being late was just knowing I was going to suck the dick of a man with a dirty butt. I don't know. I don't know. He also farted on me once. And I was like, you must love me because this is a lot of like very like things you hold off until you're like, oh, I know I've got this person.

And this was a human man. This a human man an adult who I was like an adult that I was like truly like not in love with but I was like I think I think you're I think this could be a thing and then he kept doing things and I was like my god does he want me to go you're disgusting I have to go but I'm like that's not what I'm gonna do so you must be testing your limits and like how much does this person love me maybe I don't know I mean when he did fart on me I was like you truly like there's something dead inside you and I really hated that and he was like I'm sorry but like I don't know yeah the dingleberry thing really got And he was like, I'm sorry. But like, I don't know. Yeah, the dingleberry thing really got me. I was like, yikes, this can't be. But then I like went out with him a bunch more. I mean, if I feel like if I was hanging out with a bunch of dudes,

and one of the dudes said that, I'm like, I don't want to talk about this. And I mean, like, what are you? why are we talking about this? And that's not even in a dating situation. Like, I would think to myself. I know, yeah, just like a friend. You're like, I don't want to hear about your dirty butt. Like, just wash it. I don't want to share a green room with this guy, like, at this point.

Okay, real quick, we're going to take a break. Okay, real quick, we're going to take a break. And we're back. Okay, so before the break, you said green room. And green rooms remind me of performing. Performing reminds me, I'm a comic. Sometimes I forget. It has been a long time.

It's been a long time. we were performing like on the reg did you have chuckle fuckers i love asking comics this huh hmm i don't think so no i don't i don't think there's an i don't think it's a yes or no i don't know i also i think i don't i think i if chuckle fucker means what i think it is, which is a groupie for standup comedians. Is that correct? Yeah. Like after a show, a girl's just like, oh my God, and you're, or a man, whoever's just like, oh my God, you're so funny. Let's get a drink.

Then you get a drink and then you fuck him. I think the thing is, Nicole, I don't know how much a man talking about colonialism at 10 p.m. on a Friday night in a club in Milwaukee really is like, wow, this is exactly what I've been waiting for. A man talking about history and colonialism to a bunch of drunken strangers in a room that were misled into thinking this was a comedy show like i don't know if that's really you know attractive to i'm sure there's a percentage of people who'd be like wow yeah this is what i've been looking for but to have that percentage also be people that find me sexually attractive slim i'm not really making it you know did people respond positively or negatively to your comedy because like i think you're very funny but you do talk about like heavy topics it depends on you know the place and time and who's in the audience you know especially as i've become more known people coming to see me

of course it's so much more fun right because you don't need to it's a different game yes it's like offense and defense when you're like playing to your team the people that came to see you you can do whatever you want and your jokes can go you don't need to do the 101 of an idea especially when you're like if you're talking about race or anything kind of heavy you can actually really dig in but when you're performing for like randos in a place it's you know all of, all of a sudden you're, I'm not dumbing it down, but I'm certainly not like challenging myself. You know, I'm certainly like, I'm also on the defensive. Like if like you start writing jokes to recover from the jokes you know are not going to work, you know, which is a weird instinct. Like, that's not going to work here.

So I better come up with something else to be able to say what I want and still be able to fix it like you you have to learn to like kind of like defend yourself whether like dealing with hecklers or like making jokes work in your favor even when they don't um but yeah i mean i don't know i don't think i'm for everybody but i think i think that's interesting like i don't if there's like a one to five scale i would hate to be a three i'm fine with being a one or a five so there's something about being a one or a five means that you got to somebody in either direction if it's a three you're just like oh that person was there i can't remember a thing they said but they filled the time they filled an hour of my life that i would

have spent doing nothing you know like yeah i'd rather be for a group of people than to be for everybody. Just like, girls say this, boys say that. Everyone's like, uh-huh. But when I started touring, I realized that the people I had the most problems with were older white men. And I was like, oh, I get it. You've lived your whole life being like you know the most important thing and then this black woman comes with like an opinion and you're like i can't handle that not even for one hour i must yell at her well especially she they can't report you to hr in

that situation they can't fire you there's no power at all in that situation. And I've had that at times, I think definitely less than you, you know, just as a woman of color, but like, just as a dude playing rooms, regardless, and people assume, well, not in the liberal cities, and that's bullshit, even in liberal cities, like, people who think, you know, they don't like someone else being the center of attention. They don't like another else being the center of attention they don't like uh another man being the center of attention they don't like a man of color being in the center of attention they don't like a man of color talking about colonialism while he's the center of attention like there's a there's a million different reasons why somebody would like not like it and you know and that's

also i think part of the pressure i think a lot of people of color have to clown themselves because like you're thinking about like how white people and particularly white men view you and wanting them to like you. And it takes time to deprogram yourself. It's like, fuck that. Fuck that. Like, I don't if they're if they're laughing a certain way, that means that the joke didn't work the way it was supposed to. Like your job is to be yourself and being yourself is being unapologetically you. And I feel like oftentimes when you have those white dudes in the audience that don't really want you there, they want you to be apologetic. They want you to almost apologize for existing and to explain yourself.

And I think one of my favorite things, I was talking about this on stage, you know, in the olden times, before the plague hit. Oh, boy, back in the Stone Ages, before COVID. When you would talk to people in large crowds, or for me, moderate crowds in rooms. And this phenomenon would happen of, often it would be women of color with white dudes who after the show, like the woman of color would come up to me and say how much you love my show. It's so important what you're doing, you know, for the community or like, you know, as a person of color, dude, I appreciate this.

And then like the white dude she's with would walk by me and be like, yeah, all right. All right. That kind of like, it'd be wonderful like the fact that she loved it and he didn't and then i you know and i doing it long enough i would have like return customers right like return you know audience members and then to hear a woman of color last time i was here i brought this white date and he was so he hated everything you had to say and that's when I realized that we had nothing in common. And so we're not seeing each other anymore. And the joy I get from that.

Like, isn't that nice? Like, I helped you. I did you. I did something your friends couldn't convince you of that your family couldn't convince you of. But I was there and you're like like this is this man does not pass my litmus test he is not a good white i truly love it not only are you entertaining but you're like a relationship guru i love that so much um so you did it's a documentary the problems with a poo right the problem of a poo yeah yeah oh a problem what is it called the prop no wait that's not what it's called the problem with

a poo it's been a minute yeah it's been a minute i'm like i don't know some a poo movie i made yeah i feel like people were so angry because you people love the Simpsons. They revere the Simpsons. And you were like, well, here's an issue with it. And it's a valid issue. And people were like losing their minds. Like I've seen tweets currently that are like, there's nothing wrong with that poo. And I'm like, guys. No, it's weird.

It's like, it's been this long. Especially when like I was tweeting, like when i was tweeting like during the the black lives matters protests or like like all the different justice movements over the past like six months to a year like this like incredible stuff and i'd be writing about police brutality and then some random white dude would be like you killed a poo we have to march that oh my god brother you gotta get out of here. God, tell me you're Russian. Like, what is this shit?

Like, these are real humans? You think I really get... Even when I was making the film, I only kind of gave a shit. Like, because the... Do you know what I mean? Because, like, it was a film that should have been made 15 or 20 years ago, but they didn't let Indian people talk until a decade ago, so I just got to it when I got to it. So, you know, it was again, like I was saying, it's like a 101 for, for us, you know, if you're from a community and you're used to racism, what, why people are racist in this way?

It's like that, not even just white people, like, you know, like people are racist against your culture in this, in this way. It's like not a shock, you know? So for me, it was like not a shock you know so for me it was like old stuff that i finally got to talk about and put on the record and you know it people were writing about there's this apu controversy i'm like is is racism a controversy it seems like a constant yeah it's almost as if like someone was getting murdered in front of you and you just went but but I think it's okay. Well, just because you think it's okay, doesn't mean it's okay. It's very, I mean, and also just the anger that people had, the irony of like, well, you don't like that. This comedian criticized pop culture.

You know who does that? The fucking Simpsons. The Simpsons do that. That's one of the things they do. And that's why I was, and I kind of still am a fan of that show even though less so now but like yeah like and less so because of the kind of reaction to it but like it's that's kind of how i learned to like find these hypocritical things in pop culture and media and how that you know being kind of self-conscious and um deconstructive is like part of the game.

Like The Simpsons really had a lot of that, you know, like, I don't know. But also, isn't it like fun to challenge something that you love to be better? Yeah, I mean, I thought it's like when people get upset when you criticize the government. It's like, well, I mean, you care. Otherwise, you would just be like, I'm just going to do my thing, whatever. Like, you care enough to say anything, to say something. I think as somebody who is able to converse in the show, who knows the show, it's also kind of like, I think most people didn't see the film,

so the idea that I liked the show, that I grew up on the show, it wasn't a factor because they didn't see the film. Most people didn't see the film. It's basically like there's a template, and you put in, like each week there's a thing, something, something, destroying America, something, something, politically correct, something, something, you know?

And for a while, the gaps were filled in by my name and the documentary I made. But nobody had seen it. It's just a matter of like, this is the example for the week or the month or the year of something that's destroying the country. It's like, it's not even, it was a light documentary. It was a light pop documentary. Not even worth the, you know, getting angry about.

But that's people. People be getting mad all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So did you grow up around a bunch of white people or did you grow up in like an environment where there's a lot of Indian people? Was it like inclusive? I grew up in Queens, New York. Everybody, everybody was there.

You know, the cross section and even the white people weren't white. Yeah, sure. I mean, I'm not white. I'm Greek. I'm not white. I'm Irish. when's the last time you've been to ireland four or five generations ago but it's like that but you're still irish you know what i mean like there's this ownership that like uh i don't think in the rest of the

country it's as universal you know anymore i feel like it's a very east coast thing like i grew up with a lot of italians who were like I eat mozzarella and my mother makes gravy and pasta. And you're like, gravy? They're like, it's marinara sauce. And you're like, okay. And then you're like, oh, so do you go back to Italy a lot? And they're like, I've never been. My mother's never been.

My grandmother's never been. Yeah. It's so funny. I think it might be like East Coast specific. Well, I think part of it too is like the coast generally have like larger groups of a community together right like the more you go inland they generally break apart and the communities get smaller but like new york you know you have a big italian community big polish community big i mean every community has some

representation in new york which means that you both are able to have a, like a, you know, it's funny, like ethnic enclaves, I guess is the term, but they're just like places where you can be a version of yourself that the rest of the world you might not be able to, where like you get to actually embrace all these cultural things and the demand to assimilate isn't as great. It's like, well, okay, when I'm here, I have to play this game. But when I'm here, I get to not play this game. And that's part of why I loved growing up in Queens so much.

I could be an Indian dude. I could be a South Indian dude. I could be a South Indian dude from my parents' particular part of India. You could get really specific. I could really embrace that. It's not to say I didn't deal with racism. It specific. I could, I could really like embrace that. It's not to say I didn't deal with racism. It's not to say that I didn't feel left out.

It's not to say I didn't have racial angst, but it is to say that there was a degree of pride and who I was. And I don't think it's, it's until I went to college in Maine where I'm like, Oh shit, rest of the country's not like Queens. Like, like what?

It's like going to Maine was like being thrown in the water when you don't know how to swim it's like what what is this like all of you are white all of you yeah now when I go to places like I grew up around a lot of white people but I went to church with a lot of black people uh so like in my brain and then my family lived in chicago on the south side so my brain i was like the world is very very segregated and then i moved to new york and i was like oh no there are parts of the world where like everybody is everywhere and then i realized it is specific to new york it is truly only in new york you can get like a glimpse of everybody it's so strange that's what the train

is I mean like you have people in business suits and yes some of the poorest people you will meet and they're all in the same space because they have to get from point a to point b and yeah we all smell that smell yeah we don't know what fluid that is yes we are watching this fight and that man filming the fight like this is all i mean and it's shared and how many times do you have people from so many different class strata and you know immigrant groups and league you know legal statuses and races and they're having the exact same experience and for better or worse new york gives you that i miss new york dearly i love it i love it i love it i really love it. I love it.

I really want to, I don't want to move back because I do like LA, but like, I just want to figure out like a way to spend more time there. And I guess I could after the pandemic. Where did you grow up? I grew up in Jersey. Jersey.

Oh, so okay. You're tri-state area. That's tri-state area. Yeah. Where, where in Jersey? Uh,

Middletown. So Monmouth County, uh, close to like Long Branch. Is that North Jersey? Well, we say it's Central Jersey. People in North Jersey call it South Jersey. People in South Jersey call it North Jersey. But it's Central Jersey.

It exists. And that's where I'm from. I've heard that from other people in Central Jersey. Yeah, they don't think we exist. And we do. We are just as important um i asked specifically because i was like have you did you like date a lot growing up did you have like a boy or a girlfriend in like high school and in like middle school because

like no it was it was i was incredibly awkward and. And I think also when you have parents who didn't date, from another country, they had an arranged marriage, the idea of dating wasn't even like it. The idea of dating being, oh, that's an American thing. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm American and I live here. I go to schools here. My brain has been constructed here. So yeah, i didn't

you know i didn't really start dating really till college and that was only a little bit and to be honest like i don't think i really had the confidence or a sense of self to really like ask people out and um like try to go out until like i was in my 20s like what like in my by my early to mid 20s i finally felt like like oh wait a second i i'm not unattractive i just went to school in maine and they brainwashed me i went to a place where nobody who looked like me could ever be seen as attractive and in a culture where like you know a certain nor like this is considered attractive and now all of a sudden i'm like no no no no i'm you were all wrong i'm handsome what's wrong with you and it took a long time to finally like like the way I look.

Because I think more than cultural things or anything else, I think that was the biggest hindrance. I don't think I thought that anybody would want to be with me. Or that I could even ask somebody. And the idea of rejection was so scary. And it was mostly internal. But once I finally had that confidence, it was, yeah. I wish I dated earlier. I will say that.

I think it would have been, I think it's, having a kid now, I think that there's an importance in learning certain basic things and understanding some of the dynamics of dating. By the time I was in my first real relationship, like I feel like I was, I was so green, you know, when you date somebody who's like been in a ton of relationships and has been dating since high school.

And then you're like, this is the first time I've dated somebody in my first girlfriend. It's like, you know, it's not, you know, you end up like making a lot of rookie mistakes. And I think,

so I think it's, I wish I had, but yeah. Like what, what kind of mistakes? So I know when I finally like making a lot of rookie mistakes and i think so i think it's i wish i had but yeah like what what kind of mistakes so i know when i finally get into a relationship because i will be a lady who's i've never had a long-term relationship so give me give me some of the mistakes play playing it cool that's something that apparently apparently uh you know every person isn't potentially the person you're going to be with for the rest of your life. And I think when you don't really understand that, like when you feel like everything is like a romantic comedy that you've seen on TV or in film, like you're waiting for the perfect story versus a person that makes sense for you at that time. The idea of relationships making sense based on who you are at that time

and how you're developing and all that, that doesn't really make sense. Because whenever you see film, for example, especially if you're someone who hadn't dated much like I had when I was a kid, it's like they only show you the part that the couple gets together. They don't show you any of the fights. They don't show you any of the complications. You don show you any of the complications they don't you don't know if they broke up the next who know have you seen the film say anything no i mean it's basically you know they spoiler alert they end up together but like we don't know if they did they did they break up in london did he follow her

to london did they break up after she realized, oh, I'm 19 and I'm realizing that we have nothing in common after I've spent this year in London. Like, you don't. Like, it's all kind of, like all that stuff, the idea that the relationship actually starts after the movie's over,

like that's a relationship. Like the story ends there, but the actual work, the relationship starts after that point. That was, that was always confusing. Like I didn't really get that. I just assumed happily ever after. And that's not real.

It's like, there's a lot of work. There's happiness, but it's not all happiness ever after. I mean, you have to work. You actually put in effort. And I don't think i completely got that i had a job with uh so i'm working with john cena on this thing and we're hosting the the revival of wipeout and the news is out so i can talk about it i was like can i say i'm like they've announced it but uh i was talking to him and i was we were talking about relationships i was like john

cena here's what i've learned this year i will die before I tell a man how I feel. And he was like, don't do that. You have to tell people how you feel. And I was like, oh, no. Professional wrestler John Cena is telling you to open up more. I was like, I mean, if John Cena is telling me that, like, I should tell people how I feel, I guess I have to. I was like, I mean, if John Cena's telling me that, like, I should tell people how I feel, I guess I have to. I was like, oh, no.

As I'm watching a person fall from this, like, thing very high up in the air. It was a very silly moment in my life. I was like, okay. So I guess now I'll try to tell people how I feel. I don't know. I'm so confused about relationships and when to tell someone how, but my therapist was like, if you tell someone how they, how you feel and then they run away, that's not the person for you. And then I was like, but Mary, if I don't tell them how I

feel, they'll stick around longer. And she was like, but you don't want that. And I was like, but yes, I do. I don't know. I'm just so confused about how to enter a relationship. I mean, are you sick of people saying that, you know, when it happens and it happens and you'll know, because I, I hate it,

man. People said that for so many years. And each time I'm like, yeah, I hope you die. How about that? You don't know when that's going to happen, huh?

But when that happens, it's going to happen. When that happens, you'll know. You're dead. And then it happened. And I'm like, oh, crap. I mean, I was happy. I was happy. Like, it's happened.

Oh, my God, this is wonderful. At the same time, there was that part of me that was bitter. That's like, ah, they were right. Fuck them. Yeah. But I mean, there is. i guess i just got away i mean part of it is like it's like people i know that some people say you just can't be looking for it you just can't and i'm like i don't completely agree with that i mean because you know yeah because then i'm just in my house

not looking for it and like the right person for me is not gonna knock on my door and be like do you need to be deep-dicked and like love and to be in a relationship and i'm like oh my god yes come on in it's not gonna happen i mean a person could knock on your door and ask you if you want to get deep but the right person the right person though i don't know yeah that that's tougher so you said your parents were in an arranged marriage that's interesting to me are they still married yes yes they are still married i love how you thought about it you're like uh yes yes they are still they are still together yes do they like each other that's a weird question no it's not it's not i think is i think that is a it's a fair question because you hear people say you know i i love this person but i don't like them do you know what i mean like i care for this person i don't like them i mean i think there's a lot of

love there i mean how can you not like so much of what connects you with other human beings are life experience shared life experience unique life experiences when you've been with somebody long enough and you share kids and all the the issues that come with being in a family with somebody for so long, those are incredibly life-shaping experiences and you're sharing them with an individual. There has to be some affinity. Even in a bad relationship, you find a couple of soft spots, which sometimes is trouble because you end up staying in bad relationships because of the soft spots. But there are those soft spots because there are going to be these moments that are really specific to the person you're with, that you're raising a family with, that you're building a life with. I think there's a great deal of, there is lot of love there but you know it's hard you know it's a very different concept of of um of relationships you

know like in in india at that time in a more conservative southern india like you know certainly marriage is seen as like um the the connection of two families as much as is about like the individuals and, um, the continuing of a line, you know, like a family line. It's, there's just a very different way of viewing it. Like my folks met like either, I think it was the day before the wedding or the day of the wedding, you know, they hadn't met in person, like, you know, they saw pictures and stuff, but like, you know, it's crazy for me to think about. And the thing is, that wouldn't even happen now. Now there's so many ways that people get married in arranged situations now.

Arranged marriage is basically Tinder with your parents. They're the app. They're the ones who are filtering it but you make the choice ultimately so but back then it was a little it's not that they didn't have choice but it was a little more limited and i think a lot of people think about it and they're like i could never but like i personally don't i'm like maybe i don't know maybe my parents who know me very well would find somebody that works well with me. I mean, it's a blind date with a fast track. I mean, that's essentially what it is. You know what I mean? Like, it's still, you're getting set up by people, but you don't have to

be with them for the rest of your life. I think when people think of arranged marriage, they think about it in some way from hundreds of years ago. Like there were negotiations between the village elders and this child and this child were, you know, your third daughter and my second son will be, you know, like, it's not like that, especially now. And so I think for some people, it's this wonderful thing. My parents know me. I trust them. Here are a bunch of people they think make sense for me.

I'm going to go on dates with them. Oh, this feels good. Okay, I'll keep seeing them. We're going to get married. It's just a much more, like, it's basically both sides know what they're in it for. There's less of a game. It's like, I want to get married. I want to get married.

All right, I might marry you. I might marry you. Let's figure this out. And you could say, well, how do you know? And then you make a mistake. And I'm like, half the country gets married and they don't get arranged marriages. So, like, you know, we don't know about any of it, you know. We don't know what works.

I mean, I think arranged marriage in another era certainly, like, it was much more patriarchal, you know. Like, it was very much like women were seen as a burden that you had to give dowries to get rid of, you know, and it's about the male line. It's not quite that anymore completely. So, you know, but I don't know. I feel like, you know, who's to say that looking at random faces on a phone and swiping is the way it's supposed to be. faces on a phone and swiping is the way it's supposed to be. To me, that seems like, you know,

even like more distant than a range marriage, at least with a range marriage, you got your families involved. There's people that know you as opposed to an algorithm. Yeah. I think pop culture and the depiction of a range marriage as an entertainment just gives it like, it just kind of like puts this weird cloud over it.

Like I love 90 day fiance which i think is anti-immigration propaganda at its finest it's a wild show and i like i love the drama but i'm like at the heart of it i don't know if this is good for us but there's one person on it named samit who was in an arranged marriage but is in love with jenny and he's like i i didn't want to be in this marriage this that and the other and it's like well why did you marry her like you you could have said no and not put this woman through everything to be with this white lady in the original yes i think it's i mean i think there's a degree of cowardice but it's also a lot of social pressure it's like

my parents will just and then everyone else I know just says yes, and how do I even, you know, there's this terrible show on Netflix called Indian Matchmaker. It's just absolute rubbish. And when I watch it, it's like what you're telling the world is India is as shallow as you are. I mean, that's basically what the show is. Like, hey, America, we're just as bad as you,

but we just do it with third parties. There are more third parties involved, that's all. I haven't watched it yet, but it's bad? It's just brutal. The way people talk about like, it's just very, like, I'm not sure if it's, if it's,

it is terrible, but I don't know if it's honest or not. Because there's a degree of, like, people can be pretty vicious on how they judge other human beings, especially before they meet them, right? How they view the way they look or their personality. And you don't even know this person. I mean, what is, like like bumble or tinder like how often are people reading profiles never maybe initially but then after a while it's like yeah but i still got another five million pictures to swipe i can't read everybody you know and so it

becomes this really gross thing and and i feel like indian matchmaker has that with the third party like her forehead's too big or like no he he still doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. That's a bad sign. Like, you don't even know this person. You don't know how decent this human being is. And it's really not really a, they're from a very poor family and it wouldn't be a good man. Like, it's very blunt. And part of me is like, well, I guess people are really like that.

But it's like really shallow people who generally hide that and are able to express it when they have to versus like, let's just get it out in the open. All right. Your forehead's too big. All right. The family doesn't want a forehead that big. It's just terrible. But it's like, who's to say, you know, to me, it's like it's not so different anymore. People are still trying to find a lot of the same things.

Like what they define as family values, what they define as attractive, what they define as nice, what they define as successful. It's still a lot of the same stuff. Facebook, that's the way to do it, Nicole. Facebook. I was going to go to a matchmaker, but now I'm just going to hop on over to Facebook and find somebody. I hate that Mark Zuckerberg had anything to do with the course of my life.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. He's an odd looking man. Every time I see pictures of him, I'm like, what? Why do we trust him to do anything? It's not like we really trust him. I think we got addicted to the thing that he's putting out. And so we're not like none of us are like, why do we trust him to do anything it's not like we really trust him i think we got addicted to the thing that he's putting out and so we're not like none of us are like why do we trust this

dealer i don't understand why it's because it has nothing to do with him it's like where we became addicted to this thing yeah i got off facebook and you did i did i got off facebook i would say maybe five years ago at this point wow and i liked it because i like thought about it i was like why are you on it and it's like to connect with friends and i'm like i talk to my friends for the most part in person i text them then it was like my family and i was like i don't really interact with them on facebook so why are you here And it's like to just like drain my time. That's not to say that I'm not like on Instagram all day. Like I love Instagram. I love pictures. It depends on your career stuff too. Like depending on where your fans are. Like if I got rid of Facebook,

I'm going to lose my like 35 to 50 NPR audience. Like I'm going to need, I need somebody to communicate with. And that's not my audience. My audience is fat women looking for someone to show them how to show their arms off. And that's pictures. Instagram, baby. I'm kidding. I have a lot of like a diverse. I would probably it would probably be best if I were still on Facebook. I just can't.

I can't. I can't do it. I'm just like not interested in a place where people are like, my opinion matters and everyone has to read it. And then you have this like long rambling like status. I don't even know. Do they still have status updates? I don't even know.

I don't want to read that stuff. And then I was like looking at people from high school and I was like, I didn't care about you then. I shouldn't care about, I don't care that you've got six you then. I shouldn't care about. I don't care that you've got six ugly kids. I don't like it. I'm not here for it.

So I got off. It ruined high school reunions. Like the high school reunion was such an incredible idea. I was so excited about my 15th and 20th. Nobody. I found that nobody was going. I didn't go. I didn't even go.

Doesn't matter. I got it online. You got it online. You already know. That's what they look like. Oh, this, you know how many relationships they've been in. You know what worked and what didn't work. You know what they look like. What's the point now?

So I can see you in real life. I don't need to do that. I'm happy. I don't need to see you every day. I don't want to see you. Yeah. Goodbye. And it's a bummer, Nicole, because it's set, you know, high school reunions are built for

people like us to gloat. Yes. I did say to my sister one year, I was like, I can't wait for our 10-year reunion so I can fucking stun on all those idiots. And she was like, Nicole, you were pretty well-liked. And I was like, I know. But I still want to go there and be like, I'm successful. All right, we've come to the end. Oh, that was fun.

Wait, okay. This was fun. And I can't, I don't know why I keep forgetting this, but a question I ask all my guests. Yes. I've forgotten a couple times. Would you date me? Yeah. Okay.

Why wouldn't, I mean, we'd minimally go on a date. Yes. Why wouldn't we go on a date? Well, some people have responded, no. Like a resounding no. Oh, because of the awkwardness if it doesn't work? Is that the idea? No.

They're just like, you're a little too much for me. I don't think I'd have fun. No, thank you. Yeah, but like a date is just hanging out with somebody and then you find out if there's potential or not. So maybe, you know, I don't know. Yeah, but like a date is just hanging out with somebody and then you find out if there's potential or not. So maybe, you know, I don't know. Yeah, but people don't think like that sometimes. I think some people go into dates being like,

this might be forever. I go into dates being like, this may be good and this may be bad. And I'm like, whatever. But the minute it's good, I'm like, oh, great. We're getting married. That's just me. Well well do you have anything that you want to promote i know it's covid time so like it might be nothing but who knows i mean the only

things i have to promote are the podcast i do with w kamau bell it comes out every thursday called politically reactive it's very good uh y You all should listen to the episode we have with Nikki Giovanni. Ooh. That is happening, or happened already, and is very exciting. But yeah, Politically Reactive. That's really exciting, yeah.

So that's Politically Reactive. It's come out. And the other thing is my Netflix special, Warn Your Relatives, which I'm proud of and is sadly still topical. It is really upsetting when you're like, things will change. And then it's like,

nope, this joke is still, it's like, uh, uh, Chris Rock has a joke about generational wealth that is still topical. And you're just like, man,

it's like, you look at old prior shit, like that stuff still is topical. It's depressing it's yeah well during um i mean we're wrapping it up but like during the beginning of covid and the protests and whatnot a lot of interviewers because i was promoting my book were like do you think uh people will keep talking about it and my comics haven't stopped like black comics just listen to their like watch like any comic of

color watch their special there will be a chunk about racism in it we don't ever stop talking about it y'all don't do anything about it so listen with like your ears open anywho we're at the end let's get back to being silly uh if you like this episode of why won't you date me if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will read it this person said they sent me an email says nasty read as i lay here high thinking about making you get in a sex making you get in a sex swim open what i don't know what that means swim open those and let me stuff you full of cream cheese ew then i'll pound your pussy till i come inside you with the cream cheese okay since i bust fast oh no don't this is a fantasy you can last a little longer but anyway

i'll go down after and eat your pussy out with a little concoction of cream cheese but i thought the cream cheese was still in there oh and then my special cream cheese until you get off and then after i'll flip you over and eat your ass i I got to say, this person wants me to have a yeast infection. I don't know how sexy that was. It was confusing, but I like, thank you for writing that. It was disturbing. Okay. Thank you so much, Hari.

Great to see you, Nicole. Hari Kondalubu. Did I do it? Kondabolu. Fuck, no. No. Fuck. I switched words. Kondabolu. Hari K fuck i switched words kondabolu harry kondabolu bolu bolu fuck

harry kondabolu yeah i did it yeah harry kondabolu you know one of these days i'm gonna see you at a show yeah and i'm gonna see your name perfectly and you're going to go Wow, Nicole. It was simple, wasn't it? Thank you so much, Hari. It was so good to see you. Have a wonderful day. Bye. Bye. Bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people. Adam Sachs, is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick.

It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. this has been a team coco production