Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Ask Him About His Credit Score (w/ Tiffany Haddish)

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Actress and comedian Tiffany Haddish (Girls Trip, Night School) first clears the air regarding her Clubhouse bullying allegations. Then, she talks about how dating has changed since Girls Trip, how men try to manage her, the story of a sneaking ex-boyfriend, and of her first orgasm at the movies. Plus, Tiffany offers tips on: approaching men after the pandemy, how to increase your credit score, and why you should ask men about theirs. February 12th - See a LIVE virtual episode of Why Won't You Date Me? featuring Heidi N Closet! Tickets: onlocationlive.com/nicolebyer This Black History Month, research anti-racism resources and donate to Black Lives Matter at blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Ooh, baby, guess what? I'm truly excited because I am doing a live virtual episode of Why Won't You Date Me. It is Friday, February 12th, 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, if you're trying to watch it as it's actually happening, like, you know, unquote live uh my guest is Heidi in closet Miss Congeniality from season 12 of RuPaul's Drag Race um I'm excited she's excited we're gonna have a very nice time you can get the tickets on any of the links in my bio on Twitter Instagram or you can go to NicoleByrusTaken.com uh you just have to go to my tour dates, which there are none except for this. And guess what? You don't have to watch it on the 12th.

You can watch it at your leisure until February 19th at 11.59 p.m. That's the last time the link will work. It's $10.50. I hope to see you. It's going to be fun. Okay, this is long. I've made this longer than it needs to be why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why.

Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast from me, Nicole Byer. I'm not sick. I just smoke cigarettes and it's bad. You do? Yeah, it's such a bad habit. We got to smoke one one day. Do you still smoke? I thought you quit. I did quit and then I just picked it back up.

Yeah, it's hard. Everything's very, very hard. I don't pick up a whole pack, just occasionally. Yeah, I've cut down. Anyway, I should finish my intro. Oh, I'm sorry. My bad. No, I should finish my intro. I'm sorry. My bad. No, it's okay.

A podcaster, Vita Kohlmeyer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take a copy of my book, jizz in the page, close it up, and say, yeah, here you go, you stupid bitch. I'd be like, thank you so much. What a nice gift. Anywho, my guest today, to give her an intro is so wild. She is the biggest movie star right now. Anywho, my guest today, to give her an intro is so wild. She is the biggest movie star right now. It's Tiffany Haddish.

Hey, she ready. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Did you like that I gave you no credits? I was like, I don't know. It's hard to give you credits. You're huge. Like you. Am I? Yes, you're doing so well.

You are thriving. You love to see it. I don't know. Some people love to see it and some people be like, sit that doing so well. You are thriving. You love to see it. I don't know. Some people love to see it and some people be like, sit that bitch down somewhere. Okay, tell me what's happening on Twitter. Okay, so on Twitter, let me see. Let me see if it's going on still right now. But as of yesterday, then I had to let it go.

There's a bunch of people that were saying I'm a bully because I was on Clubhouse. And OK, so basically a friend like if somebody was messing with you, Nicole, I would have done the same. OK, so there's this thing that happened with one of my friends. He might have been out of order. He got kicked off of Clubhouse. Cool. Fine.

Leave it at that. But after he was kicked off, this one particular person kept dragging him, breaking the clubhouse rules, putting their name as the title of the room with negative words around him and kept dragging him for days and days, three, four times a day. Meantime, this person is supposed to be in a medical profession, saving lives, but has six hours a day to drag this man constantly. So I'm like, okay, after three, four days of that, I'm like, she's doing too much. People are sending me this stuff. I'm not cool with it. I get on Clubhouse in a room about bullying. They're talking about the situation. I say, man, that's not cool. I'm hearing all these. She's making up lies about him.

If people were making up lies about you, Nicole, I would do the same damn thing. I went. And at that time, she started another room with his name in the title with all this stuff. So I go over there and she's like, why won't he leave me alone? Why won't he leave me alone? Screaming and stuff. And I'm like, what is going on here? They bring me up to the stage and I'm just, I'm very quiet. And then they're like, Tiffany Haddish is here. Oh my God, Tiffany Haddish is here. you aren't being left alone is because you have his name all over your profile to report him. You keep making rooms up about him two, three times a day saying to report him or to this, to whatever, to him. He's gone off the platform. He's not here anymore. And you still keep doing it. And there's people that follow him, that love him. And she kicked me out before I could say,

it's against the rules to do what you're doing. What you're doing is bullying. So then I leave. They kick me out the room. I go back to the room I was in originally. And I say, man, I don't think she's mentally stable. Something's not right with her. I reported her and unfollowed her.

And I'm leaving it at that. Right. And if I keep seeing his name pop up and stuff, I'm going to just report it. So she comes in that room. She starts yelling and stuff again. And people are talking over. I'm like, let her talk. Let her talk. She's talking. She's going off. She says something to me. I say, look, that's why I reported you and unfollowed you. And I would never let you give me a pap smear ever. And then that's bullying? Your energy.

I said, your energy is crazy. And then they're saying I'm bullying. And apparently she's been in these rooms saying, and then she started rooms with my name in it. And she put my name on there saying, de-platform Tiffany Haddish. And starts saying she's going to kill herself in these rooms. But would not allow me in the room. And de-platform Tiffany Haddish because she's going to kill herself in these rooms. But would not allow me in the room to say, and deep platform to me, because she's a bully. And I'm like, how did I bully you?

Like, so they're tweeting it. They're tweeting about it. And I'm like, what did I say that was bullying? How did I say that bullying, whatever. And then they're like, oh, in another room, you said that you would come for people's livelihood. And I said, complete the sentence, please. I said, if someone attacks me and my family, which is for me, that's my livelihood, is my family, and you attack that, then I will come for you and your livelihood. I will.

Because that is what you do for your family and your friends, I feel like, if you consider them a friend. So if that is bullying, I didn't say her name. I did not accuse her of anything except for having crazy energy and breaking clubhouse rules, which is very evident. And she's been slandering me saying I'm a lesbian, saying I'm a bully, saying that I hate black doctors, black women, black. And I'm like, I provide jobs for black people. I fight. I will not work on a project unless there are a certain amount of black people on the project. Do you understand me? I am reverse racist, if anything else. Okay? That's too much.

I don't have Clubhouse because I was like, I don't need another platform to interact with people who do shit like that because it's like she did something, you called her out, and then all of a sudden

you're the bully because she presumes that you have more power because, you know of you know whatever like standings in the world i do have the most followers on that platform but i'm not out there talking about her though i'm not trying to ruin her i'm not i won't say her name here like i want the best for her i really want her to get help that's what i would like i would like for her to sit down and talk with somebody. If you feel like, oh,

and then yesterday they were saying, she's dead. She's killed herself. But she has room still going in my name that she's in. But she's dead? She went up to heaven and she said, I gotta stay on this app. I gotta be on the clubhouse. I have no time for the angels and singing and God. So now all these

major publications are hitting up my publicists and they're like, oh no, Tiffany, did you kill somebody? I'm like, did I what? Oh my God. What a thing to wake up to on a Saturday. Tiffany, did you kill somebody? You're like, I don't know. I just fucking woke up. I've been working. I've been at work. Everyone knows where I've been. I don't know how I did that. How do you deal with people? I deal with people the way that I would want to be dealt with. Let's be clear.

I've been getting death threats on a daily basis since Girls Trip came out. That I didn't know. All the time. Death threats? Death threats. You're a comedian. Why? Or wishing of death upon me this is

so fucking nice and it's mostly from black women and very angry black men who like you inspire my girl to get a job and do what she loved hope you fucking die if i see you on ice and i'm running you over with the car and then at first first I used to be like, make it a point to put myself in a location where that person who's threatening my life made it a point to be in their presence. And then they'd be like, I love you. You're amazing.

But in my DMs, you said that you would hit me with your car. Where's your car? Oh, you don't have one. That's fucking wild. That like. It's crazy. That's why some people are like, you know what?

Because it's what they say to much is given. There's a big responsibility to it or something like that. What does the Bible say? With great power comes great responsibility. I think it's from Spider-Man. And I think that's the quote. And that's in the Bible. Oh, is it?

No, not great power. To whom much is given, much is... Desired? No. To much who is given... Beyonce said it. It's from the Bible, too. And I just read it not too long ago.

It's in the Torah as well. To whom much is given, much is required. Ah, that's, I've heard that. Yes, that sounds right. Yeah, I guess so. But like, I just feel like in 2021, people have too much access to each other. Like, not to bring up that woman again,

but like people get to just sit on the internet and not live their lives to the absolute fullest and then just like say shit to people that maybe they're jealous of or people they don't identify with like whenever people are like you're fucking fat and i don't find you funny and i'm like yes i am comedy subjective and then they're like there's nothing left like I didn't respond and like hey that hurt my feelings to I don't it's so insane I don't understand people anymore but yeah I kill them with kindness usually I'm like oh I appreciate your opinion like someone was like you shouldn't support conspiracy theorists you shouldn't be friends with conspiracy theorists

my response was well I believe that unicorns are real. I have really big breasts, a super fat ass, and aliens are on this planet. Should people not be my friend because of the way I believe? You know, and I could have wanted to tell a whole thing about religion, too. Like, just because someone has certain beliefs doesn't mean you can't be their friend. Now, if they believe touching kids and their private parts is okay i don't want to be your friend yeah because that's fucked up but if you believe you don't want to get a shot or you believe that whenever the sky is super clear uh aliens are near whatever you something like that that doesn't hurt anyone fine fine but they're like well that person was spreading misinformation well the

internet is a fucking huge ball of misinformation and you as a human being have to use your discernment yeah and there's a full-blown uh difference between spreading misinformation willingly and you see a headline that is misleading and say you retweet it before you do your due diligence because it's like, it's a new thing for all of us to be like, oh, half the shit on the internet's fake fucking news? Okay. Everything is very, very hard and complicated. Yeah, like people are like,

so apparently I'm a lesbian now too. I didn't know that. I'm like, when did that happen? It means somebody wrote on Twitter. No, they DM me that they know I was raped by queen Latifah and Jada Pinkett. And that I'm a victim of rape and I need to speak on it. And I'm like,

I was raped before, but I was a teenager and it was a police officer. Never has one celebrity raped me let alone a lesbian in a lesbian scenario i've never been that's never happened ever it's just wild what people will concoct and then say to you like you're not a human being who can read it and then go why would you say that to me yeah not just and then and then that person i say wow um your opinion is really out there but none of that is true what you are saying that is not true and then they're like well i hope somebody stabs you in the

eye you know what fuck that i'ma beat your ass on eyesight and i was like do you ever think you're gonna be somewhere where i'm gonna be yeah, probably not. And then they started more threats. And then I said, okay, I'm going to report you to the police, the police and to Instagram and to any other platform you're talking about me. So then yesterday I had my assistant, just anybody who had anything negative to say that was threatening or deflammatory of me, report, please. And then I got a message. I got a phone call, actually, a text and a phone call from Twitter. Like, what's going on? You never report people like this.

Like, we reporting today. And every day from From now on. I guess, I get it. I guess that's a way to just be like, leave me the fuck alone. This woman had, so I fell and, like, broke my ankle. And I, like, talked about it on a podcast. And then this woman tagged me in this very graphic Instagram post about someone with a broken ankle and wrote, Nicole Byer, is this you? And I was like, why would you do that?

Why would you, are you trying to make me upset? And I like opened it and I was like, oh, and it did make me upset. And I was like, oh, I guess that's what she was trying to do. I just don't understand people anymore. I don't understand why, especially like a comedian, somebody who makes you laugh. Why would you want to be so fucked up to them? It doesn't, it bums me the fuck out.

Girl. And this is why I was like, like after Girl Trip came out, people were like, who are you dating? Who are you dating? Nobody. I'm gonna be busy. I don't need nobody talking about where my coochie been. I'm just gonna win, win, and fucking win again. How did dating change after Girls Trip?

I mean, your whole life changed overnight. I had a general meeting at Will Packer Productions right before Girls Trip came out. And we were talking, talking, talking. And he was like, I can't wait till you see Girls Trip. And I was like, oh, yeah, I've heard from other meetings that it's like a great movie. And he was like, no, I can't wait for you to see Tiffany. i was like oh yeah i've heard from other meetings that it's like a great movie and he was like no i can't wait for you to see tiffany and i was like tiffany's the best she's so fucking funny he was like she's going

to be a star and i was like okay i mean yes my funny friends will be stars and then i saw it and i was like oh holy shit i can't believe they were sitting on this movie like because like top to bottom it was such a good movie and then you just like shown so much in it because it was like three actresses we'd seen and then tiffany you know like on the stage so like how did dating how did like so your life changes how do all your interactions change dating and like people wise girl let me tell you something right before okay so when i was shooting girl's trip i was like i'm I was, I was on some whole shit. I ain't gonna lie to you.

I was having a good time. Okay. Out here in the streets. And you were in New Orleans. So get it. Get them bees and get the dick. Met a man. Met a man out there.

Started to date him. Right. Everything was cool. But then when he started like seeing my name pop up on stuff pop up and then like people celebrities are inviting me to things and I'm being invited to these special events and he's just like you could see it was a messing with his ego that he could tell and then then when he came to California and he saw my house compared to his house, I feel like it made him feel like, oh, I can't give her more than what she has. Right? For love, understanding, compassion, good sex, good times, laughs, conversation, hold me.

Like, that's all I wanted, right? Somebody to share my success with. Like, that's it. And it turned for him because people would be like, we would go to the comedy club and stuff. And people would be like, man, I love you, Tiff. Love what you did on this. that love this he like how they how all these people love you you sleeping with them you must be sleeping with this oh like all of a sudden it turns into me fucking all these people and i'm like no all the people i fucked are still

in new orleans they're in they're they're in your hometown like these people i don't fuck with like that like he's like no i know you slept with this person i know you said with that person did not he starts me i was doing a car michael show at the time he would sneak onto the lot because i would let him drive my car he would get onto the lot and be hiding behind a fucking bush loretta devine's like um baby yeah yeah uh your boyfriend hiding behind that bush right there. I said, no, he not. She goes, yes, he is.

Then I could see his boots and him running. He be just running across the truck. Tiffany, that's fucking wild. Crazy. To have Loretta Devine be like, honey, your boyfriend's behind a bush. Yes. Loretta Devine makes me laugh so hard. She's the funniest. she did an interview and they were like loretto why did you do the carmichael show why did you what why do a tv show now and she was like well i auditioned for it and they hired me and that was the answer

and i was like yeah this bitch this is so funny she's hilarious wait so this man would sneak onto the lot to stalk you because he thought you were what fucking people at work he thought i was messing with david allen grill little real hard gerard all these people because he's heard them say that they love me because Because I've invited him to set before, you know. And everybody's like, oh, she's so amazing. She's like my sister, all this stuff. He was so jealous of everybody. So even Loretta.

He was saying stuff about Loretta. Loretta, love you too much. I don't know what you did with Loretta. I ain't do shit with Loretta. Loretta is my mentor. She taught me how to memorize lines you're like this bitch is helping me at the job leave me alone my co-worker that's so fucking wild to be so insecure that when someone like i don't know if i had a dude and he was like very famous whatever and people were like i love you i'd be like i know right he's so amazing right like i love him too it's so wild to me that like

men i think that's the problem with successful women men just can't fucking get around you being you having more shine than him because he's like i'll bring the shine to you i'll buy you things i'll make you feel good but it's like no I'm already making other people feel good I just want you to be there with me just share this with me just share this with me and then girl then I broke up with him right because he started going to my ex-boyfriends and telling them leave her alone they was like I don't even fuck with her I don't talk I ain't talked to her in years like what the hell are you talking about like he was going through my phones with her. I don't talk, I ain't talked to her in years. Like, what the hell are you talking about? Like, he was going through my phones figuring out who I was in

relationships with. Did he have a job? Yes, he was an engineer, but he had took his, used his vacation time. Okay. He had used two months vacation time to stay out here with me in, commenced to losing it. And I was like, you know

I could come to New Orleans when I think, you know, I can like, he made me get an iPhone. I was an avid, you know, Samsung person. Like it was crazy. Anyways, cut to no boyfriend, girl's trip. The commercials start coming out, the trailers and everything. And a guy that I had been trying to get with for years, he sees those commercials. Then he's like, hey, Tiffany, let's spend some time.

So I'm like, yeah, I've been wanting to hit that for a long time. So in my mind, I'm just going to hit it and move on. But he starts pressing like he wants a relationship. He wants to do something like, oh, this might work. You know, I've been attracted to him. Maybe this might be the thing. So I'm like, oh, this might work. You know, I've been attracted to him.

Maybe this might be the thing. And then after about two months, then it's like, oh, you know, this agency wants to sign with Ethics. You know, you should have a She Ready deal at Nike. I'm going to link you up with this. He became somebody who was trying to manage me when I already had management. You know, I'm like, no, you are in my life to where I can have fun, where I can relax, have a few orgasms. We laugh. You hold me when I'm sad. You make me feel happy. That's your job. I have representation for these things already.

And one day I had like eight meetings in a day and we were going to go to dinner. And I was like, I can't wait till we go to dinner. I just want to spend time with you. I was sending him messages like that. He's like, yeah, I'm going to invite somebody from Universal Records because I think you should be coming out with an album. I was like, yeah, don't do that. Do not do that. I want to spend time with you. I'm coming to be with you.

Get there. The record exec is there. I'm like, ah, this relationship is now over. I'd sit through the dinner, have conversation. It's great. Blah, blah, blah. Okay. And then I became a ghost.

I mean, that's so, that would never occur to me to like meet someone, date someone and be like, oh, like oh I can make money off this person so like let me figure out how to do that but then even if he got you a record deal he wouldn't get the money your reps would get the money right like it doesn't matter who did the like who like did the introduction right but but I'm such a nice person though that's the other thing like I'm a person. I would probably give him some of the money I have. No, Tiffany. You can't be doing that. But I wouldn't, though. That's the thing.

But that's what he's probably thinking. She'll look out for me. She'll take. We'll take. I'm a partner. Then he started talking to my friends about marriage and stuff. I'm like, oh, no. He like, no, thank you.

No. I just, no. So then it was single time again dating apps good times how was dating apps for you like i assume you got recognized a ton but did you get fucked a ton no i wouldn't fuck that's the thing i was so busy right i was something like I would be in like New York or I would be in um Georgia or whatever and I was on Bumble that's my shit right there it's my shit so I'll be on Bumble and I'll be like you know talking with the guys facetiming with them and then I'd be like well let's just go have drinks they'd be like yeah you want to have drinks like I'm like cool yeah show me something I've never seen before in this city and we would go cool places and the guys like i have i do have standards you

know and if guy like this one guy was so fine oh he was fine we had a drink so i'm like he's like you want to go dancing i'm like yeah let's go dancing so when we start to dance it's like his shirt had been in the dryer and it was still wet. Like, you know, when you leave it in the washing machine too long, it's a little mildewy. Yes. And then as your body heats up, the smell starts to come out. Uh-huh. He was very mildew smell.

I was like, I can't hook up with this dude because I'm going to end up having mold in my pussy. So, didn't hook up with him. Met another guy, had a great dinner, really cool, fun conversation. Ended up doing business, but not doing the business. And yeah, a few other people. I've made a lot of friends, like a lot of homeboys, but never like, yeah, we finna do it. And yeah, then I had you know i have my schedule fuck boys that are just that's what they do wait you have scheduled fuck boys i used to

that's so nice just to have people on the back burner where you're like excuse me i'm very horny may i please have you. Yeah, it's just not even, don't even have to say horny. It's just be like, do you want to make a puzzle? That's my code. You want to put together a puzzle? Do you want, do you, I'm frying up some food.

Do you want some? Oh, I love it. I just, I get to the point. I'm just like, do you want fuck? Can we do this, please? I don't want to say that because I don't want them to be, because fuck can we do this please I don't want to say that because I don't want them to be because it's all text message I don't want them to be like yeah see I'm fucking Tiffany Haddish like you know yeah I mean I can still do it it's just like

little Nicole Byer I doubt anyone would be like oh my god you are they'd be like okay whatever yeah do you remember your first date yes what was it like how old were you yes my very first date at the house 16 16 years old We went to the mall. We walked around. We got hot dog on a stick. We went back to his house. We kissed. I had to change clothes because I changed clothes.

Oh, he bought me a top at the mall. He bought me a shirt. Changed clothes at his house. And then we went to a party and we danced like we dance battled each other and then he took me home that was the date honestly for me currently that sounds like a very nice day like go to the fucking glendale galleria walk around get a hot dog on a stick. You buy me a shirt and then we like dance later.

What a perfect fucking like absolute first date. But like to set the tone for all the dates to be like, Oh, this is like nice and chill. Exactly. Exactly. And then, yeah,

that was good. He ended up becoming my boyfriend for like six, seven months. I didn't date at all during high school. I did not understand like all the girls who could get boyfriends. I was like, what is your magic? What are you fucking doing? And that has carried on to now. I don't understand how people get in relationships. I could not get a boyfriend in school with me. Wait, I'm lying because I did get a boyfriend and then he broke up with me once he realized like I was the mascot. Oh, and I was walking around school saying, Vic, Vic with the big old dick.

Come on, Vic. That's nice uh advertisement yeah that's my girl my girl's saying I got a big old dick she's happy and that's how I lost him wait you were the mascot yes I was the school mascot I was a conquistador a Spanish soldier Did you have to wear like a big fucking costume? Well, I had a big costume. Like I had the cape and I was like dressed like a Shakespearean character, I would say. And there was this head that I was supposed to wear. And I was like, I'm not wearing a head, but I'll wear the helmet. So I wore the helmet, but I wouldn't wear the head.

And I was like the only talking mascot in the whole valley. And I'd be like on a megaphone like, Elko, what? And they'd be like, me, no. but I wouldn't wear the head and I was like the only talking mascot in in the whole valley and I'd be like on a megaphone like Elko what and be like me no Elko what me no you know who know we know baby and I would dance and I would throw candy out and it was great I love it I would also love to see you be a character at Disney because they'd be like, Tiffany, you cannot talk. And you'd be like, this is who I am. I'm so sorry. This is what you signed up for. Do you know I interviewed with Disney? They did not hire me. Really? Disney in Florida? No, in LA.

Oh, I keep forgetting that you grew up in LA and there's a Disney world here uh it's Disneyland oh Disneyland where'd you grow up I grew up in Jersey and I'm not a Disney person I went to the Florida one I guess I was like six and there's a like so many pictures of me just frowning and I remember saying to my dad i was like it's hot there's too many people they lock you in and the water's expensive which is like a thing i heard him say and he was like yeah it is and we were just like not happy to be there i can imagine you as a kid being so cute and so smart i think you're so smart you're one of the smartest people i know tiffany thank you i think you're so clever thank you i one of the smartest people I know. Tiffany, thank you. I think you're so clever.

Thank you. I appreciate that. You always make me laugh. Thank you. You make me laugh. We're on a cartoon together. Yes, we're on Tuca and Bertie, which is so fun. I really like Tuca and Bertie.

It makes me laugh. You're great on it. And you and Ali Wong work so well together. Yeah. And you're great on it. All the characters you play. Thank you. kill you kill it every time uh real quick we have to take a break it's so much fun i like had my i had joel i'm uh i think you were with Joel. But my manager, Joel, I had him reach out to Lisa Hannawave. And I was like, I just want to be a part of this in some capacity.

And they said, okay. Which is a funny thing that happens sometimes. We were like, oh, boy, I just wish. And it's like, well, if I let you know, well, maybe it happened. And sometimes it does. And that's great. Joel is great, man. I love him so much.

I like Joel. Yeah. Also, I'm cheap as fuck, so. I mean, I get it. I think that's like the first thing to go when you're like, I want to keep more of my money. Because you just pay out. So I just got a check where I was like, I paid how much to everybody? This is a lot of money leaving my pocket.

how much to everybody? This is a lot of money leaving my pocket. Mm-hmm. I'm like, I could hire a marketing company to do more. Where I could own brands.

Where I have ownership as opposed to being an employee. It's wild that nobody, nobody helps you navigate the money aspect of having money. Like, they give you a bunch of money and then they're like, good luck.

Well, that's what a business manager is for. So you get the business manager and then they help you make investments. And then you also need to be thinking, how can I make this little bit of money that I have grow into bigger money? Or how can I protect this little bit of money I have and make sure I'm never homeless again? That was my whole thing. Like, just, I never want to be homeless again.

And I never want to have to depend on a man to put a roof over my head. I want to depend on a man to make me feel good. Like on some Halle Berry shit. Can you make me feel good? Make me feel good. Make me feel good. I'm the same way. I never want to be poor again and i'm like frugal to a kind of a ridiculous extent me too girl my dad once said to me he said no once it's gone it's

gone and that's like literally any like big ticket thing i buy like buying a couch is like a struggle because i'm like well it's just for sitting but it's like well you want it to be fucking comfortable just spend the money on the couch yeah get the couch that you're willing to i was like when i buy couches i'm like will i sleep on this because what if my bed for god's sake burns down like what if the whole house would burn down if the bed burns down? Or what if I'm just so tired I can't make it to my bedroom? Or what if I have so many clothes, the whole bed is covered, and I can't get on the bed? Or what if I fuck somebody I hate on that bed, and then I don't ever want to be in a bed?

I got to throw out the bed. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I am. Which has happened really i've never thrown out of bed because i fucked somebody on it that i was like no thank you yeah i have like i don't need that energy no more in my life i want a whole new bed girl i slept on the air mattress for four months till i got enough money up to get a new bed. Honestly, that's why I don't really bring dudes to my house. I don't bring anybody to my house. I'll go to your house until I know that you

are like a good person who's going to bring good energy. I don't want bad juju in my house. My house is very good juju. Yeah, I haven't had sex in my house in three years. I've had sex in my house maybe twice the whole time i've lived here which has been three years see i just don't do it i don't i don't want you messing with my vibe and i'm in a relationship now and he's been to my house a few times and he has yet to be in my bedroom and my brother's here and i'm a big like i tell my brother he can't bring women in my house and have sex with them or bring women in the house, period. You have to go to where they are or get a hotel because you're a grown ass man. So that's what you're going to have to do until you move.

Like you got to move. And when I bring guys over, they just hang in the living room or the kitchen or the dining area. That's it. I don't let them in my room because I don't want my brother being like, well, you had somebody in your room. I want somebody in my room. But it's your house. It is. And he don't pay no bills either.

But still. Wait, how old is he? He's 28. That's not too young for me. Is he single single? He is. And he's quite handsome. Let me in your family.

I would love for you to be my sister. But you can't fuck my brother in my house. You see me scurrying out the window. I'm like, I'm sorry, Tiffany. I know we talked about it. I'm really sorry. And I don't think he has enough money to

get a hotel for you guys. But he did just get a car, so if you don't mind fucking in Hondas. Okay. Hondas are reliable, okay? I'll fuck in a Honda and a Kord. That's a big back seat. And you know the Civic? They made it slightly bigger. If it's the SUV, we'll just fold the seat down. Tiffany,

I can make this work. Y'all actually would be a cute couple together, too. He looks just like me. Like, yeah, we look just alike actually tell him about me I will I will I will oh he just left I got him a job working on a production like and I'm like you owe me this amount of money and you're gonna have to figure out how to get it back to me ASAP well I mean one production job leads to another production job. So like, what a treat that you did that for him.

Because that's like very kind. Right. It's hard to break in. Yeah. I've done it for a lot of people. But I was like, I'm going to have to do this for you because you have to get out of my house. He's like, sis, I'm protecting you. You know, I don't want nobody to hurt you.

And I'm taking care of the dogs and I help you with the garden. And I'm like, yeah. But I'm kind of ready to start having sex in my house. You're going to have to get the fuck out. How long have you been in your current relationship? I guess it'll be a year in February. How did you guys meet? We met doing a movie.

I was doing a movie called The Kitchen. And he was playing like a detective in it. And we were just friends. And he would come over. I have this thing that I do when I'm doing movies, especially out of town. I like to invite the cast and the crew over. I cook and I get people to bring stuff. And we play spades and have a good time on the weekends.

So he would come over and stuff. And then he tried to hit me. Like, we would get pretty wasted. And he tried to hit on me one time. And I was like, you're not my type, bro. Stop. You've dated my friends. And it's kind of gross. Knock it it off and so then we just were friends and um yeah then like it's like

he started kind of like like asking me to go to events asking me to go to different music stuff like and I like that kind of stuff and I would bring my friends with me and in one particular time I didn't have anybody I didn't have a chaperone and we went out and it was cool and I was like and I started seeing him in a different light like I was like oh he's not that dumb like he's not that it's actually quite smart we'll see right and then I would start talking to him more on the phone start having more conversation with him and then pandemic hit and well no before pandemic hit I was like I need a break I'm exhausted I'm going to Hawaii and he showed up in Hawaii and I was like, oh, and he told me the hotel I was staying in, which was a very, very affordable. Cause like I said, I'm cheap as hell. Uh, he was like, uh, this is not good enough for you. You deserve better than

this. And I've never really heard a man say that to me before, like, you deserve more. And then he put me in a better hotel, and I was like, hmm, maybe this might be something. That's so sweet to say you deserve more. Like, I don't want to be materialistic, but, like, a man who can afford to say you deserve more than does it is so nice. Even if you can't afford it,

just, like, understanding that, like, this person is, like, you want better for them, you know? So it's like, how can I love you more? How can I, you know, show you more affection if I don't have the means to show you materialistically, like, how you need more? But uh but like I love that sentiment oh what a dream right and it's like even if um this even if he couldn't afford more right let's say he couldn't afford to give to to put me in a place that's more like just doing more for someone. Like I'm like the acts of service girl. Like if he does things for me, like wash my car, cut my grass, wipe down the windows, fix something.

Like to me, that's sexy as fuck. That's like, oh, OK. Like little shit like that or pull the weeds at the garden for me and things like that. Like to me, that's that's love. That's like that's pull the weeds at the garden for me and things like like to me that's that's love that's like that's that is more and so but he's been yeah he's been pretty awesome then i was like then pandemic hit and i was like oh well i'm not gonna be uh hanging out with you maybe we could just like i'm on bumble like i'm on bumble and he was like bumble what the fuck is that and i told him about it and then we were like bumbling and then yeah he got tested

for everything i got tested for everything and then then it was on and popping oh that's romantic honestly right now i'm like the most romantic thing that can happen is I meet someone, we get tested, and then we fuck. And they don't fuck anybody else, and nobody gets sick, and it's wonderful. Right? Right? And then you get pregnant. No, Tiffany. I don't want to get pregnant.

Oh, yuck. Babies are sticky. They're very loud. They need things constantly the way you said that i feel like i'm gonna be at your baby shower next year they're like they're sticky they want things but like i love it i love it i just called it an it that's how you know i'm not gonna have a child it's cool right Right, right.

It's okay. I don't think I'll ever have any physically, but I'll probably adopt. I think about that often, that maybe when I hit like 40, 45, 50-ish, I'll adopt like an older kid. Yeah, that's exactly. I'm thinking like seven plus. Yeah, yeah. Like a kid who's like older might take a minute for them to like get to know me and like me but like not like dogs but like everyone

wants a puppy everyone wants a baby but it's like there's so many kids who you know deserve to have a home home especially now oh god i can't even imagine now being like a kid without parents who's just like dealing with COVID and all that bullshit. Yeah. Right now is so bad for foster youth. It is ridiculous. Like, well, first of all, so many people's parents are dying and ending up in a foster care system. And then there's not enough homes, not enough foster parents. And I was like, oh, I'm going to become a foster parent. My lawyer's like, you cannot do that. I'm like, why not? to become a foster parent my lawyer's like you cannot do that I'm like why not you're gone too much

not that I'm gone too much because I could hire someone to nanny to be with I could bring the kid in now that there's no like in school school like they could be on the road with me be out of town with me and do school from their laptop and all that stuff like we're doing this podcast

from the laptop you know what I'm saying but because I'm famous if I take in a foster kid and then they end up going back to their parents or they end up going with to live with a family member or they because fostering is temporary right somebody and they could be like yeah she used to be my foster Tiffany Haddish was my foster mom somebody could get in their ear and be like well tiffany didn't she touch you in your privates did she this to you did she that to you and then turn around and try to sue me that's so fucked up but you have to think about those things and they're a kid you can't make them sign a non-disclosure form or promise not to lie on me thing or you know what i'm saying

uh-huh honestly that would be very funny it's like when Tiffany had as your foster mom I signed an NDA like a little six-year-old I signed the NDA okay I'm not talking about it I can't say anything right what inspired you to do the big chop girl so i've been reading i've been reading like the bible reading the torah reading all these things in it you know both say know thyself right you need to know thyself so like like to me i took that kind of literally like knowing everything on my body like knowing like where all my moles are and all this stuff. And I know, like I got like a body chart, like, you know, how like at the morgue or whatever, they got the body chart, like this is where they were injured. Like I put like all my scars,

every single mole, where my moles are, all my little weird dings and dents and stuff. And then I realized, I don't know what's on my scalp. I don't know my head at all. And I've been talking about it for years. Like, oh, I just want to cut my hair off. And before I was just talking about like just cutting it off real low, like how it is now. But then I was like, no, man, fuck that. I'm going to cut it all off. I want to see my head.

I want to see what's going on on the back of my head. Like, I want to see it. So I just cut it off. And then I realized there are so many sensations. I'm 41 now. I did it at 40. So many things that I have never felt in all my years. Like I did when I was in Mississippi, I walked outside and the rain, it was raining and it felt like a million kisses from God. And I started to cry a little bit because I'm like, I've never felt that before. Then getting in a shower and that feeling like, wow. And I never felt that before. And then like when a wind would blow and how like you get goosebumps on your scalp wow and I never felt that before and then like when a wind would blow and how like you get goosebumps on your scalp I've never felt that before and how like

all these things somebody touched my head and how good oh my god like never felt that or just me doing just stroking my head like how when guys are talking to you they're like yeah baby so and I'm doing that I'm like no wonder no wonder they do this. It feels so good. It's so soothing. Like, and I was so upset. Like for a week, I was really mad. I'm like 40 fucking years, 40 fucking years and never felt these feelings.

Not cool. Yeah. We attach so much, so much worth to hair. And I shaved my head. I guess i was like 22 is when i first shaved it and i was i felt pretty liberated i was like this feels i feel powerful i'm a bald-headed bitch there's not very many of us and then like the sensations you're talking about are real when the wind hits your fucking head when you just have a fresh cut it feels good it like tickles your fucking head you're like oh yeah and it's relaxing and i have to tell you i've never felt so relaxed in my life and no headaches i've had one freaking headache

i don't know if i didn't get headaches. I don't remember. Because your hair's always been pulled this way, that way, this weave, this thing, pins and shit with the wigs. Like, no irritation. Yeah, I miss having no hair. And I think I might shave it again. The sides are shaved. I got to, you know, touch it up a little bit. It's growing. But I think I might just shave the whole fucking thing and be done with it.

Because I think lashes with a bald head is so pretty. So pretty. Like a full fucking face. No hair. Yes. Oh. Oh. Girl, don't get me started.

You look like a pretty basketball. I love it. Yes. Don't get me started on how like I was looking in the mirror like a week after. I'm looking in the mirror at myself. And I was like, look at your eyes. They're really pretty eyes. And the way your mouth is proportionate.

It was like there was nothing blocking my vision of seeing me. And then I found all the dings and dents in my head, all the moles, everything. And I was like, I really know who I am. Nobody can tell me about me like I can tell me about me. And I love it. I like that. I think everyone should shave their head at least once. At least once.

It grows back. And I mean, shit, hair is dead. Okay? That shit's fucking dead anyways it's dead cells coming out anyways cut that shit off one time also get a wig you can get any sort of wig you want they make them real good now and if you don't want it to look good it don't need to look good you can wear a party city wig and have a good time that part you can always cover it up that part and here go my other, the favorite things.

So I was in, the relationship was fairly new when I did it. And, you know, I'm thinking he's probably going to break up with me now or whatever. No, he was like, palm in my head. Then I was like, I want to cut it every two weeks. And he's like, let me help. He's never cut his own damn head. He bald headed too. He never cut his own damn head.

He's cutting my hair. He didn't do the best job. cut his own damn head he bald-headed too he never cut his own damn head he's cutting my hair he didn't do the best job but it was nice that like we could do things for each other it just oh man I'm like I'm gonna put my head on your head this relationship sounds so nice and healthy I'm so happy for you I feel like it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in because neither one of us want anything from each other except some time some you know good times fun little compassion little sex now here and there you know what I'm saying some kissing some holding we laugh a lot like it's great I learned so much our conversation like he's great at conversation, debating and all that stuff. And when we argue, it's not like we're screaming, calling each other names.

It's like he has his point of view. I have my point of view. We're not screaming at each other. And then we just agree to disagree. It's great. I love that. And if he does shit I don't like, I'm like, hey, man, I don't like that. I'm not into this.

And you're kind of getting on my nerves. And he's like, good, because you're kind of getting on my nerves, too. I'm because you're kind of getting on my nerves too I'm like okay I'm gonna go home for a few days it's like cool I I mean that's this is so fucking healthy like I feel like people are afraid to hurt each other's feelings but it's like if I just say that you're annoying me right now and I need some space and you hear me and you're like great I would love for you to have that space because then I have space. And it's just like, everybody's happy. Everybody, everyone gets their space and it's fine.

When are you coming back? I'm like, when are you coming over here? Then he's like, I'm outside. I'm like, he's like, well, how long are you going to be home? I'm like, I'm here. I'm at the house. He's like, let me call you right back. Then he calls me back like 30 minutes later.

I'm like, what's up? He's like, I'm outside. Oh, come in. Are you hungry? Let's eat. When are you leaving? This has been great. Thank you so much.

Goodbye. Yeah. He's like, I can't spend a night. No, you cannot. You have not earned the right to be in my bed yet. I love it. Make him wait. Make him wait. Make him wait.

What advice do you have for me on how to, like, when the pandemic ends and I'm allowed out and I can be in a bar, how should I approach men on the apps and in person? Okay. So I say, one, if you're in a bar, you don't approach men unless they're super fine. And if they are, you go, you give them a compliment along with the, like, something ain't right. Mm-hmm. Right? So, like, he has beautiful eyes and you just love those eyes. Like, wow, I love your eyes, man.

Ah, they're gorgeous. I wish they could look at me all the time. But are those contacts? Okay. Like, he'll be like, what? No, these are my eyes. Oh, okay. Does something smell funny to you?

Oh, that's you. What's, what's what is that that works sometimes for me and then it snowballs into conversation yes okay that's how those usually become fuck boys though they end up on a fuck boy list if they approach you though it's more so let them do a lot of the talking and you smile. A lot of smiling, you smile and nod. And then you ask them. And my favorite question to ask first off the top when they start asking me questions, I ask them, so what's your credit score? And they go, what?

I'm like, what's your credit score? And they go, why? And I'm like, well, I need to know what you're that's your grown up report card. I'm like, well, I need to know what you're that's your grown up report card. And I don't want to be with somebody who's irresponsible because I'm responsible and I need a responsible man. It's funny because when I first started dating. OK, so when he was like pushing up on me hard, I was like, what's your credit score, man? He's like, I don't need I don't know my credit score.

Like, I'm I'm fucking rich. I don't know my credit score for it. I'm fucking rich i don't know my credit score for it i'm like i need to know how responsible you are i need to know that if you're trying to like hang out with me and he's like girl you crazy i got a business man i'm good like i live in the hills like i'm good and i'm like yeah doesn't mean you're good you can have a lot of debt like what's your credit score he's like what I'm like no really if banks need to know your credit score for you to be in a relationship with them for you to be inside of my body and be using my time which is valuable time is money time is valuable you never get that back so you're trying to use mine I need to know your credit score and then he he came at me like a week later like my credit score is seven blah blah blah and I was like okay

I'll call you tomorrow I like that you pressed it because it was important to you and he then was like okay well if it's important to you, here it is. Because I think of relationships, they're about compromise. Like, even if you think your partner's saying something silly or like you don't agree with, but like it doesn't hurt you to do it, then it's like, well, why not just do it? And when it's done, nobody has to talk about it again. Right. And it's really simple. Know what the fuck your credit score is. And if it's bad, then I know that you're going to probably not do well in this relationship.

Like, you're probably not going to maintain your responsibilities. And if it's bad because you had some medical issues and things like that, that's something I should know. Like, I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody that's like, oh, they got kidney problems.

They don't tell me off the top, I fall in love, right? And then now I'm like, got a fucking catheter in your dick and I'm changing your shit. Like, like I should know that off the top, man. Like, oh, yeah, I was in the hospital because I have really bad kidney stones and I had some crazy debt. Well, now I know that you're prone to kidney stones and that's why your credit's fucked up. How interesting that credit scores truly open up a real door into someone's life in conversation yeah because if someone asked me like 10 years ago what my credit score was i'd

be like very bad why oh because they just gave me credit cards and i ran up the limits and then it's like oh well now it's good oh it was bad now it's yeah it's a great conversation learned a lesson i learned about money i understand finances now i have an understanding now you know what i'm saying and the reason you ran them up and didn't pay them because nobody taught you about credit absolutely not one person taught me credit now i understand it a little but like it's wild that like you can have a ton of student loan debt and if you pay it off in full because you got a good job, your credit score will go down. If you pay off any sort of debt in a large chunk, you get penalized by it because they were making money off of you.

It is so wild. Yeah. Like when I bought my house, right, I was like, I'm going to pay this off as fast as possible. It's like 30 year loan. I was like, I'm going to try this off as fast as possible. It was like 30 year loan. I was like, I'm going to try to pay this off as quickly as possible. So I would take, I would pay them their money, right? Pay them the thing that whatever the note was. And then I'd wait a week and send an extra thousand or $2,000, right?

And put on the check principal only. Then like on when I was in the Carmmichael show half of whatever i got off the camera half like okay so i pay all my management everybody right my team pay my taxes then i have this amount of money and i would take care of my friend just give a portion to my family and of what's left half is for me to do whatever i want to do with it. The other half goes to the mortgage. By the time girl's trip came, that check was the final of me paying off my mortgage. Now, because, because I did it in such a way. Now, this is how you got to do it. You pay the actual, what they say to pay. And then a week later, principal only on, and you can put $10,000, $2, $50, $100, whatever extra money you got left

that you don't get penalized because they're getting their interest. And then it's, you don't ask for the, what's the final balance? What's the final thing? Cause the balance will come drop down. So then your interest rate, your interest will drop lower and then when you get to that end part because you can put in as much as you want as long as you pay that first like if it's four thousand dollars a month i paid the four thousand dollars now you can just keep dropping money in do you understand what i'm saying yes that's very good advice because i was i literally was doing research i was like how do you pay down your house without paying all the interest? And that makes sense to be like principal only.

So it's not going to the interest. This is good advice for everybody listening. Exactly. Who's trying to pay off a house. And I paid it off in three years. Really? Girl, get it. Mm-hmm.

Yes, bitch. She's got no home kit. Yes. I was starving because I would be like okay i'm gonna eat this kind of food i'm gonna eat on set i'm gonna eat this now this much money and i put all my extra money went to the mortgage principal only though and that's how you do it and that's how you build your credit up too because then they have to report that every month and they see that balance the the balance is the only thing that's on your report not the interest interest is so fucked up because you pay the bank basically what your house your house is worth in interest it's wild if your

house is a million dollars by the time you paid it off you will absolutely have paid a million dollars in interest yeah they double their money but you pay that, if you pay the principal only, you pay the mortgage, right? Boom. That's just the mortgage that has the interest, the insurance, all that stuff in it. And you send another check a week, two weeks later, principal only. Now you pay it down. Now they only make 10 to 15 percent. If that even less, if you do it fast fast enough it's wild that nobody teaches you that nobody tells you that i learned it from youtube yes i found this man on tiktok who explained that if you are incorporated working from home to put your kids on their payroll and then i can't remember like you you put it in a trust for them or something it's just a way for

you to pay less taxes because now your kids are your employees because technically like they're home anyway and I was like damn nobody not like nobody fucking tells you that you have to like have money to keep your money do you know what I'm saying like well you have to do the research yeah either do the research or like you're blessed enough to have the money so you have a business manager who can explain to you all this stuff. And your business manager might not explain to you a lot of these things because they want to keep their job as the business manager. So it's on you to do the due diligence. They're not going to teach you.

Like, it's funny that you have to pay taxes, but they don't teach you how to do your taxes in school. No, they sure fucking don't. They don't teach you how to do that. But that's something that's a requirement or you're going to go to jail but then when you read the tax laws it's really corporations that are required then you find out that you are really incorporated as a human being because your name is in all capital letters on your birth certificate i mean it is wild that like people have to pay taxes but corporate like some corporations do not pay taxes and there's all these like fucking loopholes and shit and then i watched this video that was like you know at target when they're like donate five dollars

to x y and z it's like why would you do that because they're making a donation that's not taxed like when you make donate like it's not taxable income. And I was just like, oh, fuck. That's like another way for them to not pay taxes. And I'm the person who's paying for it. Exactly. The world is so fucked. Doesn't Trump got everybody making them donations to him?

I mean, I don't understand why you're donating to a president. What are you fundraising? He's there. He's there. I love him not being on twitter it's so nice to not see retweets of his bullshit they need to ban so many people on there so many people need to be banned yeah it's just it's so wild that you could just post whatever you want. Who fucking cares if it's, you know, false information or whatever. Anyway, Tiffany, we've come to the end. I have a question for you. I ask all my guests this.

Would you date me? You know what? And four more dicks. Yes. Because I'm 50 dicks away from being gay. 50 heartbreak. And four 50 dicks away from being gay. 50 heartbreaks. And four more dicks. Honestly, that's the best response I've ever gotten.

Because after 50 dicks, I'm gay. I believe in my heart I'm really a gay man. And that's why I love dicks so much. But after, you know, 50 disappointments, 50 dicks, and I got four more to go, then that's it.

Bring on the pussy. Do you keep track of all the dicks? Mm-hmm. Got to. Where do you keep track of it? Because I keep track of all my dicks too and people are like, that's fucking weird. And I'm like, I don't know.

I once reminisced with a friend about a couple people that had fucked, and then she went through her list, and we were laughing about the people that we knew. I was like, it's a nice, it's like a walk down memory lane. I keep it in a notebook. Mine's in my computer. I should back it up to something.

I keep it in a notebook, and that's how that guy found out, like, oh, that's your ex, so this is, you know. And I put their name,'s how that guy found out, like, oh, that's your ex. So this is, you know, and I like I put I put their name a little a little blurb about them, you know, and that's it. Yeah, this is the same thing that I do. I love that. I'm not the only one. And I put their first name in the first letter of their last name. I put their full first and last name.

Now, I don't put their full first and last name. I used to when I was younger. I used to do that. And then my ex-husband found out. And then he was like, this person. I'm like, yeah, so don't do that no more. Just first name, letter of their last name, and a blurb to protect them. Also, some of them, I don't know their last name.

So first letter of what I call they did. Wait, how long were you married? For five years, grand total of five years. Okay. How old were you when you got married? 27. Okay. I thought you were younger. Yeah. Well, we don't have time to get into that.

Don't do it. Well, this is it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like this episode, you can like it. You can subscribe. You can rate it five stars on Apple Podcasts. If you send me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. This person said if i were straight i'd use your crutches to help you balance with your bum ankle while i slurp the

fuck out of your puss until you can taste the rainbow then release a huge load all over your face uh old faithful is what you'd call me while you use my fountain come to fill your pool and we'd have a dip. Yes, I come that much, baby. Thank you so much for that. Wow. People send pretty wild things. The worst one was someone wanted to turn me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. That was like two years ago and it still haunts me to this day.

That is wild. First of all, do you get a lot of dick pics i truly get absolutely no dick pics do you they scare the fuck out of me like as like and i and i'll be wanting to report them but then i send them a message back and go this will be going in my coffee table book honestly you should release the coffee table book and dick pics. I think that's very funny. I am. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to contribute to the coffee table book of dick pics. I do not get I don't get dick pics at all. And then I'm gonna put them in there. And then my lawyer was like, you might want to get them to sign a release. I'm like, why? They're like, because they might sue you. And then I'm like,

but then they would have to admit that that's their dick. you and then i'm like but then they would have to admit that that's their dick i don't think anyone would sue you like they would have to admit that this is their dick and they've sent it to me they sent it unsolicited unsolicited and there's proof of it of unsolicited dick pics and he's like you're crazy wait are you really doing a book unsolicitedited dick pics, yes. I'm very excited to see this book. And some of these dicks are ugly as hell. It's like, you should never show nobody that dick. And I say that too.

You should have never shown this to me. I'm definitely going to put it in a book. Tiffany, do you have anything you want to promote? Well, I got a lot coming up. But the show's over. But I'll just say this. Kids Say the Darnedest Things is coming back. I got a movie with Lil Rel Howery and Eric Andre called Bad Trip that's coming out.

Oh, They Ready Season 2 is coming out February 2nd on Netflix. And so is Bad Trip is coming on Netflix. And I got a movie with Nicolas Cage that's coming out. I had a good story. I should have told you about that. Oh, well next time. Okay. So like my third really great date. Okay. That I had was third guy I went out with. He took me to this really nice restaurant and then he took me to the movies. And when it was kind of late, it was like 11 o'clock screening and face off. I was like 17. And all the it was barely anybody in the theater. We sat in the back.

We started making out. It's my first time ever getting fingered in a theater. My first time ever having an orgasm. You've been fingered multiple times in a theater? Never. Oh. Oh, okay. Yes.

You said it was your first time. So there's other times? Yes, there's other times, yes. Before that, I had never been fingered. But yes, multiple times I've been fingered in a theater since then. It's kind of been, it's kind of something I'm into. Anyways, like getting fingered while watching a good movie I haven't done it but I'm gonna try it you should try it it's quite nice um but it was a little

traumatizing because this is my first time having an orgasm and uh when I had the orgasm the camera was really close on Nicolas Cage's face and it was like his eyes were looking into my eyes. And I orgasmed, right? Cut to last year. I'm shooting a movie with Nicolas Cage. First scene of the day. Never met him before in my life. He has a mask on.

And all I see is his eyes. I have a lot of lines. A lot, a lot of lines. I could not remember my lines because I was looking lot of lines, a lot, a lot of lines. I could not remember my lines because I was looking into his eyes, remembering my first orgasm, remembering this guy. Like, what is his name again? What was his last name? What was it? What was the last time we got to?

I could not say my lines. I was fucking up. All like fucking up. And I was like, dude, I'm not, I'm a way better performer than this. And this is getting really bad i have to tell you a story he's like what i was like i have to tell you a story i feel like if i tell you the story maybe this will stop and i can finally say my actual lines and he was like and i was just like yeah because i'm really intimidated by him i'm not gonna lie i'm very intimidated he's like am i that amazing like is. I'm very intimidated. He's like, am I that amazing? Like, is it really

that? Like, I don't understand. Like, what's the problem, Tiffany? I was like, I need to tell you an inappropriate story. I got to tell you the story and it's quite inappropriate. And he was like, tell me. Tell me. I was like, but I don't need you to try to sue me. I don't want you saying I'm harassing you or anything like that because I just have to tell you so that I can

do my damn job. He's like, just tell me already. What's the story? So I tell him about how I got finger banged in a movie theater, watching Face Off in his eyes, looking into my eyes, right as I had the orgasm. And this is why I'm having a problem saying my lines. And he goes, oh my gosh, that's hilarious. He laughs really hard. He's laughing. He's like, oh, that's it. You know, my first wife, she saw a movie with me in it and she was on a date and she told the guy I'm going to marry him. And then we got married. Like years later, we got married. I said, oh, crazy. You will not be finger banging me at any point in time. I can tell you that right now.

That is well, that will never happen. But you will be looking into my eyes and I will be looking into yours. And I think it's gone now. And then I was able to do the scene. So that's that story. Well, I'm glad you told it. It really made me laugh. The part where you're just like,

you will not be figuring, this is very funny. Tiffany, thank you so much for doing this thank you I appreciate you okay that's it bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me

Nicole Byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman I know Marissa Melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people Adam Sachs Joanna Solo Tarotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.