Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Attached (w/ Brittani Nichols)

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Comedian and writer Brittani Nichols (A Black Lady Sketch Show) chats with Nicole about recognizing different adult attachment styles in relationships, how her relationship sparked by a DM slide asking "Who's that zaddy?", and discusses why it's healthy to date multiple people at once. Plus, Nicole plays dead on a date.Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer try to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could fill my washing machine with all your jizz and wash my clothes so they become crusty and I'll say, Ooh, wow, this shirt broke when I wore it. and I'll say, oh, wow, this shirt broke when I wore it. My guest today is a comedian, writer, and filmmaker. She's written for a Black Lady Sketch Show and Take My Wife. It's Brittany Nichols.

Beep-a-doop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop. Hi, Brittany. Hello. How are you? I'm still recovering from the washing machine yeah that one might be one of the grosser ones yeah how are you today i'm all right i'm unpacking so that's a lot did you move i just moved yeah oh do you love it do you hate it? Do you hate it? How are you feeling about it? Oh, I love it. I very much want it to move. This was of my choosing. I love a change

of scenery. Yeah. I like, uh, like the walkability. I think the walkability score is like a 96 or something. Very nice. Wait, where did you see? Was it on like Zillow? Is that how you figure out the walkability score? Yeah. It's like on one of those search websites. Ah, I love it. I went for a walk today with my dog and I'm wearing a brown tank top and brown leggings. And this man was just staring at me and I was like, why is he staring at me? I was like, oh, I think he's trying to figure out if I'm naked or not. A nude colored outfit. Uh-huh.

I really didn't realize it until he was truly like in my business with his big old eyes. Well, I hope he figured it out. Imagine he's in his house right now and he's like, but was she naked or not? Boy, oh boy, what a morning delight. Did they stop making nipples? Were her nipples the same color as the rest of her? I couldn't see her labia. Was she smooth like a Barbie?

Oh my God, I do look like a Barbie. Just a naked fucking Barbie. Locking my dog with a purple tail. So, Brittany, you're like very involved in like mutual aid and like politics and stuff has this always been an interest for you or is it something you found recently I think I just started realizing things were wrong at a relatively young age but I did not really become super active until a couple of years ago so I've done things like on and off, like my first job out of college was at a social justice nonprofit. But here in LA, I think just

being broken, trying to make it my focus was elsewhere, elsewhere for a while. And then sort of once I became more stable, then I sort of dove back in how can other people get involved I feel like a lot of times I'm like oh maybe I'll do stuff but then I'm like I don't know how to do it I don't know how to get involved yeah well I would say figure out what you're interested in first because sort of no matter what it is you're gonna probably have to do things that are uncomfortable for you uh like phone banking or canvassing or any of that sort of stuff even if it's things people really are invested in getting them over that final hump of doing the things that actually like build power uh can be pretty hard like a lot of times people just like to throw money at things

and be like, and I've now helped. And it's like, yeah, you did. But to like really stay involved and stay committed, I think you have to really be out there connecting to your community members and talking to the people that are most impacted by these issues. And that can be an uncomfortable step.

And some people just straight up can't do it, but you't know unless you try no you're right the thought of like canvassing brings me not anxiety but i'm like oh wow you gotta knock on someone's door and be like hello hi please listen to me and you don't know if that person's like i don't want to listen to you i have a gun i'll shoot you in the face you know i guess well that has never happened to me luckily i guess it is fully like worst case this will never happen nicole like yeah the thing that i say to people when they have that concern is just like most people don't want to be bothered so like when you're going door to door 80 of people aren't going to answer and then that 20 of people that are going to answer they usually are answering like knowing

full well they are probably going to be asked to have some sort of conversation and so the likelihood of the person that you're interacting with being willing to talk is super high i don't know if i've ever been canvassed at my house, but like this man came to my house and was like, hey, do you need any repairs done? And I was like, oh, no. And then he kept talking. I was like, oh, I don't. This is bad for me. Goodbye. I felt so bad because I truly just closed the door and I was like, oh, I'm just like really rejecting someone to their face. Yeah, well, uncomfortable too so a lot of people once they're at the door they're like i i willingly opened this door and now i have to deal with the consequences yeah now i have to

willingly close a door in another human being's face oh boy oh boy um i feel like you tweet a lot and it's like not educational well thank you you tweet a lot okay well no like you tweet a lot of like informative stuff and i like appreciate that i've had a couple of white guests on recently i'll address it because people are like i've had two white guests say that they liked spicy latinas or spicy spanish people and when it happened i was like oh boy so i have to stop this conversation and be like hey that's a stereotype people don't like it let's not do that and then have to dig myself out of that to like get back to a light fluffy conversation so both times i just like let it go and then oh baby the people in the comments were

like i can't believe you didn't check this person i can't believe you didn't say and i was like oh i don't know how to tell you how hard it is to, like, check someone and then be like, tee-hee-hee, back to fun. Right. Yeah, it kind of throws off the vibe a bit. Yeah. And I feel like you have no problem being like, no, here's what it is. No. And I admire that about you.

Well, thank you. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you know, it's uncomfortable, but also it's going to be more uncomfortable if they continue doing that to me. But also, I'm just like, how come white people don't know not to say things sometimes you know i'm like it's 2021 and it's not all white people because i'm sure i think they do people in the not all white people they hear it they hear when it's, you know, people just don't say anything. So they just keep doing it. So you wrote for Black Lady Sketch Show, which is, it is the first like sketch show created by a Black woman, written by all Black women, edited by like, I think two Black women, right? Directed by a Black woman. Diamond was directing when I did the first season.

What was that like? It was pretty wild honestly the first few weeks of writing it was a lot of becoming acclimated to existing in a all black world like the show itself because there's no white people in the show everyone on the show is black and it made me realize like how often writing black stuff in non-black spaces requires the othering of white people which i don't think white people even realize is they're like yes make us the butt of this joke and how often you're put in a position to then say okay if i want to write anything with any sort of commentary, then that's didn't have to be placing ourselves into a white world we could just exist in a black world and have comedy come from things other than pain or awkwardness that is interesting to me like having to make white people the other because

they are the norm and not the other in society uh so like yeah that is just like very interesting to me yeah it's a lot of like well you're here so now you get teach these whites a lesson what if i don't want to do that everybody's like want to talk that is i mean that must have been like a hard balance to be like oh commentary but also like how about just a tee hee hee and showing like black joy we had a sketch i think literally called like black joy in the first season i love it um i read something that the black panthers reached out to oh fuck i don't remember any of the specifics but it was like i don't there was like a black sitcom written by a bunch of white people and

they were like why not show black people in a better light so then like a different world came out and then like you know a really mobile black people like the Cosby show came out and I was like oh the Black Panthers were like truly framed in this like light where they're like violent people but I was like no they were just like down for the cause and like trying to help black people and then like truly shape some stuff in our society and then i read this other thing that like family matters originally was you know written by all white people so like i think it was um oh boy julian no what is what's steven steven urkel steve urkel what's his real name do you know jaleel white yes he was doing an interview

and he was like yeah Harriet at one point was like oy vey and it's like yeah black people don't say oy vey and then it's like get black people in the room so black people can say what black people say as a I've like gotten scripts where I'm like oy gevalt and I'm like what is this

and then like some white person's be like oh it's like exasperated da da da and I'm like but why persons be like oh it's like exasperated and i'm like but why am i saying it it's interesting it's very interesting when you have white people writing for black people who don't understand a black experience and don't care to learn about a black experience and then being a black writer being like well i guess we have to write a little bit to the white experience it's it's interesting yeah and it's very interesting because i'm in a room right now with black people and white people it's a show that has black people and white people

but i think that it's like it's a black show i think we can all sort of agree on uh without trying to define that or use that as the only reason that anyone should watch it. Which people love to do. And just having those conversations. Of like. Things that people just either don't notice. Or they're not. Talking to black people enough. To notice patterns. And also patterns that black people do.

That you don't notice until like some white person. 30 years into your life is like. What the fuck did you just say? Like black people love to uh make everything possessive like i grew up with jewel osco the grocery store we just called it jewels uh what's another thing i was when i was in college i was sleeping my room i was sleeping my hotel room somebody came to knock on the door and they're like oh i came to your room why didn't you come to the door and i was like oh i was asleep and they're like you were what and i was like i was

asleep and they were like you were either sleeping or you were asleep and i said you can fuck off i was sleep you know what i meant that is funny i'll sleep for What? Sleep. I sleep. That is funny. Yeah. Black people do like to make things possessive. Like, growing up, it was Costco's. We would go to Costco's. Are you single? You're not single. I'm not single. I've been in a relationship for like two and a half years or something. Ooh, that's a nice chunk of time. How did you guys meet?

half years or something oh that's a nice chunk of time how did you guys meet we met because my co-worker on a black lady sketch show posted a picture of me to instagram which i did not think was flattering and my now girlfriend slid into her dms her because they were friends and said who's that zaddy oh yeah true story i love it i mean that must have made you feel amazing who's that zaddy i was like is she talking about me no one has referred to me as such prior to this moment where was your first date there were multiple stops so we went to some mediterranean restaurant i can't remember which one it was because she had mentioned liking like octopus or something and they had octopus on their menu so we went there then we went to jenny's ice cream my favorite ice cream place then we went to the drawing room this bar in

los feliz oh my god three locations on one date yeah and while we were there someone said is it gay night which the drawing room is like a cash only like sort of divey dark bar they don't they don't have gay nights that is very funny to look around to see one same-sex couple and be like wow is it gay night that is very funny did you respond yeah baby it's gay night i think i just lashed i think we were both she was definitely a little drunk i think i was still drinking a little at the time so i probably had like one cider and was tipsy because that was all it took because i didn't drink that much uh so we just laughed instead of you know felt the uh imminent danger that that was supposed to imply that reminds me of the scene from sister act when

um dolores van cartier uh is in the bar and then the other nuns come and then some guy's like what is it nun night maybe it was just a call back to that maybe maybe they had just seen sister act and they're like oh my god instead of nuns it's gays i gotta call it out did you have not have to were you on any apps like before meeting your girlfriend? I had briefly been on apps at other points in time, but I was coming off of a just a nightmarish situation. And so for several months, I literally was posting like, do not talk to me. Like I would post like a cute picture on instagram and the caption would be like you need to continue to leave me alone like i just was publicly like everyone stayed the fuck away from me and so i was not on the apps because i was still sort of in the place of like oh i want to make sure that i'm like emotionally healed before I jump into anything else.

And when we first started dating, I was like still a little unsure. But then as like we, you know, like casually dated for a little bit and I was like, OK, I am fine and able to like be in a healthy relationship again without bringing any like preconceived notions or having my guard up able to be vulnerable etc i love that you're like i'm gonna work on myself and then met someone and you're like i think i'm okay i think i'm fine i think it's like a good self self-assessment and checking in so how long did you guys date before things became serious probably like three months okay and i was dating i was like casually dating someone else at the same time i hate that you hate doing that or you hate being on the other end i hate being on the other end of it because yeah she didn't like it either as a so does she bring it

up you know what's funny is she played it pretty cool. And the other person did not play it cool at all. So she didn't like it, but she like knew enough to be like, I'm going to like talk to my friends and deal with this internally rather than like reflect that at me all the time. Yeah, I'm I think it's specifically because I'm busy. Yeah, I'm I think it's specifically because I'm busy. So I'm like, OK, if I've made room for one person, I find it hard to make room for a second person because then I'm like, oh, my God, I have to like meet another person. Remember things I've told that person. I just don't think I have like the bandwidth. So when I started dating someone, I almost immediately I'm like, are you dating other people?

Can you stop? Hello, please invest as much time in me as I'm investing in you and it's like what a huge ass to ask somebody not even like like a month in two months in yeah I've done it I've done it a few times I guess just like casually dating a couple of people and seeing like, you know, which one is a better fit. And also I think it helps not do the very lesbian thing of just immediately becoming codependent and seeing each other constantly. Because it's like, oh, I can't just hole up with you for four days in a row because I have to go hang out with this other person. I have to go hang out with this other person. I mean, maybe that is a good practice that like, if I start dating somebody, I like have to immediately find somebody else to date as well.

Because I guess that is codependence. Because I'm like, you like me, right? So can I see you every single day? Hello, be my friend. You know, I'm not going to diagnose anybody. You can. I think you have. I think i'm slightly codependent maybe that's why i'm single because i immediately want to just be like fucking locked down and booed up uh and people they like to see what's out there yeah well i i yeah i don't know

i'm just very cautious and i think that after coming off of like several, several bad things, just was very cautious and just wanted to make sure that like someone could handle that. Because if you can't handle that, that's like not a good sign for the future. I was out here I was like assigning reading I was like, before we this gets really serious, I need you to read this book to see how it feels to you. Wait, really? What's the book? I asked her to read this book called Attached. Oh, people keep telling me to read it. Oh, I told the friend who posted the picture of me on Instagram, who was in the Black Lady Sketch showroom with me me i told her to read it because she just was constantly just saying things where i was like girl you gotta you need to figure a few things out can you please read this book and she just refused to do it maybe i will read it what okay what's in the book that's helped what's like the cliff notes version i will try to read it but you know it's not a perfect book i will say that there's like a part of it where it's, so it's like three different attachment styles. It's like secure, insecure, and what is the other one?

Avoidant. So when it's talking about avoidant people, which were the people that I tended to date, one of the stories was like just straight up abuse was just straight up like physical abuse and i was like well that's not someone being uh avoided that's that's something else i don't think you should just like throw that in the bucket like if you if you do this you might be a boy no if you do that you might be straight up abusive yeah it was nice because it helped me feel confident in the way that I was like moving through the world. It was like, I was able to see the things that I was doing as like secure attachments and was like, okay, good. And I was able to like look at the things that other people had been doing and be like, oh, I understand this is like avoid it because the thing that i like talk to people a lot about relationships and stuff is like it's people doing the same shit over and over it's like very boring the way that people are bad to each other is pretty much the same thing with just like a slight twist like everybody just puts like their sprinkle on it and it helped me just like start to spot the patterns quicker you know usually

i was finding that i was dating people for like three to six months like the last relationship i had been in had been six months like pretty exact and i was like oh no this is really bad and for me i was like really beating myself up being like six months is too long to have put up with that. And the book was just like, no, it usually takes like three to six months for someone to like sort of really show who they are. And for you as a human to give people the second like second chances and the benefit of the doubt and then assess and be like, OK, I've given this person benefit of the doubt and they're still doing this shit. So that just means something is off here i think that's a good thing to hear that like the person that you meet is not immediately the person that they are they're like putting their best foot forward they're being they're trying to be on their best behavior and

the longer you're with them the more you'll be like oh now i actually see you and i can make a choice if i want to be with you i think i get in my head where i'm like once i find somebody it's gonna be perfect and beautiful and we're gonna live happily ever after and they're gonna love me forever uh yeah and i truly think that's just like a fantasy it would be like a nice treat if that was reality but i don't think it's like actually reality yeah and it's also nice because the book talks a lot about like people that have an insecure attachment and how they can become secure and like being with a secure person like really helps them along that road so also going like okay just because i'm in at this point in my like emotional journey and have done

like this amount of work i don't have to just be like oh you are not exactly where i'm at so peace the fuck out you can like find space to uh work with someone and see if they're genuinely interested in uh bettering themselves and becoming a better partner. Because also I was finding that people just like would say they were, they would be like, yes, I am aware that I do that. And I'm going to change. And it would just be that same conversation like every two months of like, yeah, I'm going to do better. I know I do that. I'm so sorry. I'm going to do better. And it's just like, when?

The only person in charge of this is you i can't do it i can't make you better you just have to make different choices that i like i like that a lot because it's like someone can say that they're gonna change you know for a hundred years and it's like well it's been a hundred years at what point did you expect to change or did you actually like put the thought in changing? And it's hard because you like the person. You like like the person. You might love the person. You're like, I very much want with every fiber of my being for you to be better because I don't want to go back out there.

It's not good out there. I don't want to be out there. It's terrible. I would much rather we fix us in here than me have to go back out there yeah and i can tell you i mean you've been two and a half years in it must be so nice but it's bad out here it's not nice you this one man he on his uh i was just swiping on tinder i was swiping like a man most men on tinder just swipe right on everybody and then weed through people and i was like i don't know maybe there's something to it i'll tell you for ladies there's

nothing to it is very bad uh truly the bottom of the barrel the ones who reach out to you but this man i like looked at his profile and he had a screenshot of his bank account he had messaged me and he was like hey and i before i responded like looked at his uh pictures and it was uh like his bank account with i think two hundred thousand dollars in it and i was like i mean that's a solid amount saved just checking just had just two hundred thousand just in checking all right sir waiting to spend it on me i guess so i just responded with oh i only date men with three hundred thousand dollars in their checking account and then he responded with oh that's an old picture i have more now and i was like oh my god this man

another man messaged me and was like i want to buy buy you things. What do you want? And I said, I want a 69 Mustang or a challenger. And then he unmatched me. And I was like, but you asked me what I wanted. And all I did was tell you. Yeah. You should have put a price range.

Like we're talking $40 to 125. I will take you to the piercing pagoda and I will get you some 14 karat gold, the cubic cyclone of studs. That's what I will do for you. Real quick, Brittany, we have to take a break. And we're back. I feel like, have you done a lot of therapy not a lot maybe you're well read because you seem very like adjusted and like i don't know you're like funny and smart and then like i don't know you like seem to know your shit a lot and uh i'm like how how do you get like that? I mean, I grew up around, I would say, zero healthy relationships. Just had nothing to model my own behavior after. And I found that in the first serious relationship I had, like, after college.

relationship i had like after call after because i like dated a guy in college for like a couple years that i dated this woman and lived with her um after i graduated and sort of the first relationship after that which i think was still just like sort of like college-y dating who's around sort of thing i was like oh i this isn't good some of the things that i'm doing here i like just couldn't talk about my feelings really because in my family as soon as anyone felt anything they just were like and now we yell and now we just yell and everyone gets angrier and angrier and angrier and I remember being like oh I remember that felt very unsafe for me growing up I felt fucking scared all of the time and that's not how I want to ever make anyone else feel.

I don't enjoy being angry. I don't want to be angry. And once I like sort of just very plainly realized those things and realized that like I was never going to have a fun relationship until I dealt with it. That's when I got in therapy. And then I start just like straight up reading like psychology today. I just like read books. I just like studied my way out of it sort of. And then was like, okay, and now I just like have to put these things in practice, because it's like one thing to like, read it. It's another thing to be feeling those emotions that, you know, I think a lot of things that people do

are just because they just can't control their emotions they can't control their reactions and just having to practice that over and over and over again uh until i felt confident about having those skills yeah i have been dating a decent amount right now. And I have been learning that like, I can't control other people's reactions. And I can't control like their thoughts or what they're gonna do. And that is so hard, because I can control so many, I've probably spoken about this a lot on the podcast, because I can control a lot of like what I do, and like, aspects of my career are pretty in like I'm in control of but like another person it's like such this like weird variable that like I don't understand yeah and I think a lot of that also just like in dealing with other people's emotions and reactions where I started to be unfair to myself was just like how much I would like people get away with because I had gotten so good at just like not reacting poorly because I think so many of these like relationship situations people are used to patterns people are used to like I get angry then you get angrier

then I get angrier and you just go back and forth and pass it back and forth and when someone starts to get angry and you don't give the thing that they're expecting back to them, it actually fucks people up more than if you just got angry. If somebody's just yelling, you're just like, could you please just stop yelling? If you don't stop yelling at me, I'm just going to exit the situation. People are like, uh, what? It really throws people for a loop. for a loop and it also is like okay i know that since i can handle this i'm giving people maybe more rope than they deserve is what i found just that started happening yeah i feel like i find myself trying to please people uh so i don't make them angry uh and like they don't go away

i don't know if i've ever like responded in a way that people weren't expecting though. But when you said like, when you're like, I'm going to exit the situation, you're saying that people, when they start yelling, believe that the other person's going to yell with them. And then, yeah. I'm not much of a yeller.

Yeah, I'm not either. Like usually if that's the sign to me that I'm like, oh, I need to get out of this situation is if I am so frustrated and the same things keep happening so much that I find myself. The first time I do something that I'm like, oh, that is not how I want to behave. Whether that's like yelling or like being condescending or name calling any of that. The first time I do that, I'm like, all right, it's time to go. or name calling any of that, the first time I do that, I'm like, all right, it's time to go. Because I've lost whatever grace that I've had. I've lost whatever patience. It's like run out.

And so now if I stay in the situation, I'm just going to start behaving like a person that I don't want to be. Yeah. Never. I've never been in like a real relationship or the other person knew about it. And I can't imagine getting to a, like whenever people are married for so long and then they're like, oh, we had a nasty divorce. And I'm like, so you like lived with a person and like called them names and like hated them? I just, I can't imagine anything getting to that point. I can't imagine like disliking someone I loved so much that I call them names or I'm, like, fully disrespectful to them. Yeah.

Yeah, that doesn't sound... It sounds scary. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think it is. But I think it's also one of those things where it's, like, also because of my identity. And, you know, I'm a more mask'm a more mask presenting person i tend to date people who are less mass presenting than me i'm black i'm darker skinned i also always have that in the back of my head and it's like if i behave like literally i've been dating people and be like if

i did what you are doing right now i would would be in a jail cell. Like, I would be fully arrested. The cops would be here. We're just operating on two different, like, metrics. And you have no awareness of that. If anyone ever saw this happening, no matter what, people are going to see me as the aggressor. If people, if you go and you tell stories about me, you femme presenting, like doing everything right person, people are going to take your word over mine just because of like how I'm perceived in the world. And so I've always also had that like extra baggage of like, I have to be so fucking careful with like the way that I move in relationships because I don't want to be seen as like something that I'm not because someone is

like trying to make themselves come off looking okay when they know they've been doing shitty stuff that is fucking heavy dude like you like just the fact that that is a part of your baggage that it's like i present more masculine so it's like say we get into an argument in public you being very feminine presenting i'm automatically the bad guy like nobody has to listen to what we're arguing about you could have just like spit in my face kick me in the shin but if they only see the like reaction you're the aggressor and you're the bad one that's so fucked up yeah i've had i've unfortunately dating dated a few white people and i remember once we were like out to dinner and

they had done something like fucked up to me and I just like was telling them like hey this was like really hurtful that you did this and they start crying in this like public space and I was like oh no no no no you cannot uh-huh you can't sit and cry right now everyone's gonna think that I'm like doing something to you and then that happens a lot of just like you telling someone hey you hurt me people take that as an attack people feel attacked by that people get so defensive and it's just like all right we can't really even address what my issue was because now you're forcing me to deal with the fact that you are crying or being defensive. Also, there's a book called Please Lie to Me. And I also assigned her that reading.

I was like, please read this book called Please Lie to Me, which is actually about workplaces. It is about honest communication in workplaces because apparently the only way you can get people to reach it like that is to wrap it up in capitalism but it's like a very good book about like uh tracking your own the own your ways that you like react defensively when someone is just like honestly communicating with you it is like i i had a roommate for a very long time and sometimes we would have conversations where I'd be like you hurt my feelings and then you know they would be like well and I'm like okay I didn't want the explanation I just wanted you to know that you hurt my feelings and I'm not saying that they're the only one guilty of that because sometimes I would do that too be like you hurt

my feelings and I'm like well I was only trying to and it's like nobody asked what you were trying to do it was like an improv when like your coach was like that move was bad and you're like but i was trying and it's like who cares it's make them up who fucking cares what you were trying to do it didn't work and i uh i do kind of miss improv it helped me listen more in life. Oh, yeah. Improv made me much better at small talk. Yeah, small talk is a little brutal now. But since the pandemic and the few parties I've been to, when I'm not feeling a conversation anymore,

I'm like, huh, I'm not doing this and then I'll truly just walk away from people which might be rude but like I'm like man time is precious we might have to go back inside again but we're not going back inside because capitalism needs to keep churning we got to keep making things so the amazon delivery people can bring it to you with their pee in the bottles it's so wild it's so nuts i saw an amazon truck the other day and his door was just open and i was like i think you're gonna lose a bunch of packages i think they're just gonna tumble right out of this van and i was like yeah he gives no fucks you got a schedule to keep i mean it's wild i this world is bad i think about it a lot i'm like

it's not good here no it's really it's pretty terrible yeah wait i want to read to you some profiles that i found please oh also i had miss Pat on my podcast and she said she was going to set me up with somebody. People have been asking. It hasn't happened. Oh, this man I matched with, Nate. He is a white man. No, not Nate Dog,

unfortunately. If it was Nate Dog, hopefully I'd be married. But this man, this white man, he. If it was Nate Dog, hopefully I'd be married. But this man, this white man, he messaged me. He said, fan of the swirl, eh? Oh, no. So I just wrote, ugh. And then he didn't respond because he's awful.

Yeah, I mean, it's fun because it's like he's immediately like, oh, the most valuable thing about me is that I'm white. That is pretty much all I have to offer. That's all I have to offer you. Do you like it? Do you want to soar all together? I just, I don't know. I was like, I mean, bravo for not just like, hello, but also I don't want that message.

This person, I mean, I don't want to, you know, kink shame. But this person said, your profile picture had me licking my lips, lol. Can I buy your used leather boots? Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, question mark. And then all of their pictures were pictures of them with boots. And like, not, since it's on Tinder, like there is no caption. But like, on the picture it like it just wrote it was like leather fetish let me have your boots and then a lot of the pictures were like boots

on his face and i was like boy oh boy i really love that you're just putting it out there there is no question about what you want and i hope you find exactly what you're looking for i think you will i mean yeah he's saving time i feel like also it might be more troubling if just like five weeks in he's all of a sudden just like what up with the boots though like then you'd be like whoa where did that oh my god you you want to just take pictures and rub boots all over you okay like i've been deceived i have been tricked yeah i just i haven't i've been having like kind of good luck but also like bad luck on the apps they're just not fun they don't they don't seem fun at all no okay here's one this This profile. It might. Maybe it's a joke. I don't know. But it says unvaccinated dirtbag not buying the scam demic. That's 100% real.

Maybe just clearing the air dot dot dot. I masklessly breathing smiley face. Yeah, you're right. This isn't a joke. There's a woman who's just like, yes. Yes, King. So anyway, I'm his name got the lust for life into truth laughs nature challenge anything athletic old stuff fighting the power looking for love or loving don't care which and, that's my kid with the big old tree. She's the shit.

Watch her every other week. I was like, oh my God, this person. Yeah, I don't know. It's depressing out there. I was swiping on Hinge this morning and I was like, there's nobody here. There's nobody here. And then the other day on, I think it was Bumble,

it just started repeating people I had said no to. And I was like, did I get to the bottom of the barrel of Bumble? Or it was like, what about this person you saw yesterday? Are you sure? Oh, that happens for Quorum. And I remember like years ago, and maybe there just like so a lot more people on apps now but when i was briefly on them i remember i would like swipe for a day and they would truly be like we're out of matches like we're out of people and just be like you're done come back tomorrow and then the next day would just be like six people that joined overnight

it's like i've reached the end of tender truly i mean it is a living fucking nightmare i just want like a nice meet cute where i run into somebody and i'm like you're perfect and i'm perfect and you love me i can't i can't imagine doing it again. Brittany, you don't have to imagine it. You're very blessed. You're booked and blessed, as they say. You've got a job that I truly DM'd you. I was like, hey, throw me in, coach.

You wrote me a part. And I'm like, i have no shame anymore because i was like i love everyone on the show i think everyone's really fucking funny and then i saw that you wrote on it and i was like oh it like legit might be very funny um and i was like let me in no shame anymore i don't give a shit because the worst case scenario is like you know like you know the creative team's like no best case scenario is like yeah what are your availabilities let's fucking get you in on this there's really nothing to lose i mean i guess like if that's the thing that makes you feel embarrassed i guess maybe feelings of embarrassment but like besides that

it's like there's there's only an upside to that situation i think so you also have shirley ralph on your show and i think she is one of the funniest fucking people i've ever met she's like effortlessly funny yeah she's a real professional yeah i mean i'm excited for that show to come out i think quint is so good janelle's so good um what's his name from everybody hates chris is so good what's his name tyler yes he's so funny i never watched everybody hates chris but a bunch of clips from the teacher his teacher on the show were like on uh instagram have you ever watched everyone hates chris when it was first out so sure 20 years ago 46 years ago you were like i was watching it fresh there's this white teacher on the show

that is like so overtly but casually racist and it really gets me every time like she'll be like chris your people like there's this one clip where they're like at the movies and his white friend is talking and she's like oh i see you're with chris and his people love to talk at the movie screen so i'll allow it and i'm like like it's just so funny and i was like maybe i should go back and re-watch this show uh so maybe that's what i'll do i've been looking for something to watch in the meantime before i wait for you season three to come out do you watch that no i don't oh my god it's about this white man who stalks and murders people and i'm always on his side i'm like joe don't do it but i understand why you had to joe wait why are you on his side britney i don't know maybe there's something wrong with me like you're just like oh his reasoning is

solid like the logic of why he has to kill this person checks out it is not he'll be like he all he like victim blames he'll be like you wore that skirt you wanted me to to like you know get turned on and then he's like and then you know you walked too close to me, so I had to murder you. And I'm like, she did walk too close to him. It's literally insane. I don't understand why I like the show, but like, I love it. Okay, real quick, we got to take a break.

okay britney do you have any advice for me and dating uh i would say like ask more people that you know to hook you up because i think just like really earnestly going for it because like when i started when i when this oh god the cerise thing happened i was like am i gonna say your name it doesn't matter my girlfriend's name is cerise i was like at the beginning stages of being like if you know black queer women tell them about me like i like once i was one of the people i was like i know that you have some black lesbian friends we should have a session where we sit and scroll through instagram and i go yes please so i would say just like truly honestly like going for it with people that you think have like decent enough taste in people like good judgment of character which truly means nothing uh you have friends that are terrible you'll find out one day it just

because you like them does not mean that they're good people uh so i think that that also is like that realization especially with dudes like causes a lot of people to be hesitant to like recommend their friends because it's like well if i tell my friend to date my friend and then they're awful one of them is awful that's gonna be awkward for me and people don't want to put themselves in that position but i think you just have to like sort of just try it just like straight up just text a bunch of people and be like send me instagrams okay well britney if you have anyone in mind for me i'll put it in motion now you know send them on over via the instagram or a text she's looking and she's horny yeah well

i'm the worst person to start with i know four straight men okay okay and three of them are married i feel like that's the issue i'm running up against people are like oh yeah i either don't really know any people that you'd be into or they're all married and then the third one is oh i have one friend but they're very bad, very badly behaved. And I don't want them to be badly behaved to you. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay. Also, why are you friends with them? You need to call that in or cut ties.

You can't just be out here being friends with a monster. Yeah, just being like, I know they're, well, I had one friend who, anytime I introduced her to another friend, I be like you're gonna hate her she's very mean uh she might be nice to you tonight but like second second time she'll probably be really hateful so just like be ready for that and sure enough she would be like on her best behavior the first time she met like somebody new and then the second time would just be like the worst and I was like yeah I don't know what it is about her but we are no longer friends i did i did let that i let that bird go free

i'll think on it though i'll for sure start keeping a mental list yeah keep a mental list and then let them know i like to go on fun dates uh top fun dates I went and ate mushrooms with this dude and we went to go see this movie called Spies in Disguise which is a play on words because it's a spy who turned into a bird and he in disguise and he's in disguise. No stop you made

that up you were on troops and you saw Will Smith is in this movie with one of the Spiderman people Tom Holland I think smith is in this movie with one of the spider-man people a tom holland i think tom holland's is in it yeah and uh honestly great movie filled with children laughing so hard it was wonderful is it animated it's yeah it's animated that'd be so insane if it was live action that it's like oh my god will smith is literally turning into a bird that's what i thought was happening i was like whoever wrote that was also on shrooms.

Probably. And then another fun date was I went to the Burbank airport to go to the Guy Fieri restaurant, bought two refundable tickets, made my way through, and it was delightful. That is wild. I thought you were going to be like, Ed, I love to go mini golfing.

No, I go to airports for dates and we valet the car. I tried to have him on the podcast and he was like, no, thank you. And then I went to Applebee's on a date and I told them to to dress up. So they wore a suit jacket and I wore a full length gown. So they wore a suit jacket and I wore a full length gown. Because why not have fun wherever you go? These are very whimsical. You know, I just have an idea.

And I'm like, if you're down a clown, let's have a good time. And then the person I went to Applebee's with when we hooked up, they went to the bathroom i came back from the bathroom and i pretended to be dead because i thought it was funny but oh no when they were like are you okay and i was like uh yeah i was just like well imagine if i was dead they're like i don't want to imagine that oh okay like that would be the worst thing that's ever happened that would be the worst case scenario i thought it was really funny and then in hindsight it was like it wasn't funny at all so you know that might be another reason they're not all hits yeah you know uh you gotta workshop some jokes uh okay so one piece of advice is to reach out to friends um okay i could do that i've already done it once uh that friend was like no um so uh that's you uh what what is

another little little tidbit honestly i would say date multiple people at the same time i don't think you are bristling at this okay but i think it helps okay i'm gonna do it you don't feel as much pressure to like the person or put all your hopes on them you just are like well if you go away there's still this other person and i am gonna be fine that is good because i was dating this dude before the pandemic and i was like are you dating other people and he was like yes are you and i was like yes but i don't want to and he was like oh okay and then immediately was like i'll keep dating the other one who didn't ask me oh god no because also why that helps is it like builds a culture culture of communication. It's like, well, we got to be talking about like, have you been tested? Like, what's going on? Are you comfortable having sex with both of us? Like having being able being emotionally aware enough to have those conversations and not just like have a full meltdown. to have those conversations and not just like have a full meltdown because someone is just like asking you what you're doing with your life and how you're carrying on and to like be respectful of you is like a pretty good indicator of if they're going to be able to do that in a monogamous

relationship if that's like what you end up wanting yeah that same dude i thought was so nice because he would make me breakfast in the morning and i was like oh my god he like makes me breakfast with things from his um garden and then i like hindsight's 2020 because like now over a year out from that i was like or less well 10 months whatever oh wait was it a year when was the pandemic oh yeah okay so it's like almost two years since i've dated this person but i was like oh, they were not just making me breakfast. They were going to eat it anyway. I just happened to be there. And I was like oh my god and it's so romantic he was using that to trick himself and to like he's like i have not been starting my days with a proper breakfast if i start sleeping with women that's what that's the kick i need to start cooking breakfast again to have three solid

meals i'll have a lady sleep over make make her breakfast, you know, you know, pat her around, maybe have a lunch date with somebody. And then after work, I'll go out on another date. We'll have dinner. Three solid meals, baby. Have you ever dated a queer man? No, I have not. I don't know. Do you talk to your friends about your dates? Yeah, constantly. I don't know. Do you talk to your friends about your dates? Yeah, constantly. I'm insufferable. Like fully, fully like insufferable. Like you'd think I talk about it at least like multiple times a week on the podcast.

You'd think that I'd be like, I've had enough. half but no i i tell friends certain friends like mind-numbing details of dates and like try to dice i'm like what does this mean um what does that mean it's oh god well then i would say try a different way like writing do you like have a diary or something yeah but i leave it around and i always forget about it no i do i do have I do have a diary. So maybe write in a diary? Yeah, or even like a Google Doc. Just something to like process the information in like a different way than how you normally do it. Brittany, I think that's actually really good advice. Oh, thank you.

Wow. Are you like the love whisperer? Uh, I, no. No. Uh, no. Uh, no. I'm just very invested in, you know,

being a good person and helping other people, uh, be the version of themselves they want to be. I love this. Well, Brittany, we've come to the end. This has been delightful. Uh, we've had to reschedule this well britney we've come to the end this has been delightful

uh we've had to reschedule this so many times and i truly appreciate you doing it it was lovely to talk to you oh wait you cut your hair oh yeah i got tired i saw you your hair was so luscious and long but i get it it's tough to take care of it takes so much effort but now then i went to a barbershop and immediately was like this is why you don't like doing this it's not fun me going to a barbershop it's not good why why is it not good uh men are terrible uh it's just like always it takes two trips to any barbershop to just hear something just horrific the last one i went and i like the guy the guy that i went to was like chill and i was like okay great i'm gonna like go back to this place i went back he was supposed to be there he wasn't and you know i'm working so i can't just like fucking go get my haircut whatever i want to

i was like well i'm here i'll just like go to whatever guy is here. And it was this Latino guy. He just like starts saying the N-word. And he was like, you know, everybody says the N-word now. And I was like, no. And also, I can't say anything to you because you know that I might sort of look like a dude, but I'm not a dude. I can't fucking fight you. What am I gonna do?

I just gotta sit here and be like, mm-hmm. Yup. Thank you. Here is your tip a handsome tip i bid you adieu please do not hurt me that is so wild that like i do the same thing like someone could like truly disrespect me like a server could be so rude to me and i'll be like here's 25 thank you for your service you said some pretty bad things but uh i thank you i hope you can pay your bills yeah it's like yeah i don't say the n-word and you're like terrible here is your tip still 20 i can't i can't do it i can't bring myself not to tip appropriately yeah i wonder if that's like it's definitely like our generation thing because i feel like older people are like i'm gonna leave you two nickels because i didn't like that you brought

my food half a second later than i anticipated like they're wild old people are fucking nuts i mean he lost my business i'm never going back so definitely there is a repercussion but i'm not gonna do anything that in that moment is going to trigger possibly a bad reaction for someone who's just out here saying the n-word willy-nilly and also they got scissors cut you up cut you up but also fuck your hair up if you say something all right well britney truly i could talk to you for fucking forever but do you have anything that you want to promote ground game uh endorsed candidates if you are at all interested in uh local electoral politics please check them out and donate to

them there's an act blue that you can find probably pretty easily if you go to my twitter which is at be as hilarious uh be on the lookout for abbott Elementary that's coming out in January. And check out my girlfriend's series at LASDgangs.com. She's been on that podcast. Hopefully you listened to that episode. If you didn't, go back and listen to it. Also, watch old episodes. First season of Black Lady Sketch Show so Brittany can get residuals.

Yeah. I listened to an episode where you were talking about something you did where you were were in the chair and you like moved around with your little tip and i was on set because i was like the on-set writer and i thought it was hilarious thank you dime at one point was like can you not do that i was like yes i could turn around very normally but then they used it and i was like yeah baby yeah okay britney i ask all of my guests this i think i've only missed it a couple times would you date me no you're are you you're straight right hey listen i think uh i think uh sexual identity is a fluid thing i don't think i'm straight i don't identify as queer i'm not bi i'm just a person who like if i lock eyes with

somebody and like it's on it's on I just like to have sex I like people I like bodies well I didn't know that so I'm glad that I know that now that's fun yeah so would you date me well I'm in a committed relationship so unfortunately no cool cool cool I'm yuppa

I love rejection to my face what a treat I love it so much Brittany thank you so much. Thank you so much for doing this episode. Thank you for having me. It was truly a blast. If you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe on iTunes.

If you, or no, not iTunes, Apple Podcasts. If you write something nasty, I will, like hitting on me i will um read it aloud nicole when you come to a show in atlanta come to an early night we'll take you to my favorite vegan restaurant then drop you off at a dick appointment i will do all the work for you to find a man who is into you and will respect you with no less than a nine inch dick after he lays down the pipe exactly how you want it you're welcome to stay in our guest room. Send us any snacks you like in advance. Next morning, my wife and I will treat you to a delicious brunch, then take you to one more dick appointment before you head to your show. It will be a weekend filled with good food,

great people and great dick. Hopefully you and the man owning the dick will continue a long, beautiful relationship filled with great mutual respect and great sex honestly that's a really nice fantasy usually they're terrible and they want to fill me up with things are you vegan now um okay so i am a vegan sometimes okay just i was like either you're really lean and vegan or everyone is like vegan is so sexy oh my god vegans are so hot i love lettuce and tomatoes well i'm a farmer i have vegetables that i grow uh tomatoes strawberries some funky ass cucumbers that are pretty tasty um but like i did eat a steak on last weekend so you know it comes and goes but my skin cleared up so like the minute i stopped eating meat my skin i stopped breaking out and i was like am i allergic to meat i think

i'm allergic to whatever they're feeding the animals like all the bullshit they pump them up with yeah that that checks out are you vegan no but your skin is good oh thanks it's just a monthly facial and daily care i think i'm gonna start doing facials i like i mean i would love to be doing like facial facials with jizz but i think i'm gonna start doing it with like an anesthetician and then nestetician anesthetician do you know what i'm trying to say yeah am I saying it right I think so wait esthetician it's just esthetician right esthetician what's an anesthetician oh maybe I'm mixing up anesthesiologist and esthetician uh-huh knock me out and make me beautiful that's what I want I go to face house free plug for them okay face house I have written down much, I wonder how much of it I will retain.

Okay, Brittany, that's it. Bye-bye! Bye! That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by

other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream.

This has been a Team Coco production.