Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Back in the Dating Game (w/ Shea Couleé)

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Drag queen Shea Couleé (Winner of RPDR All Stars 5) talks to Nicole about finding love at the club, being a drag mother, wig mishaps, and doing poppers. Plus, Nicole's back in the dating game and it's off to an awkward start.For more Shea & Nicole, check out Nicole's episode on Shea's podcast Wanna Be On Top? For more drag queens on WWYDM, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: bit.ly/wwydmdrag Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to support, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could hide all of my jewelry and say, bitch, you'll never dazzle my guests today. You know them. You know them.

You love them. They won season five of All Stars. It's Shea Coulee. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. And you got to walk the Fenty show. Hi, hi, hi. Oh my gosh. Hi, Nicole.

Firstly, I just have to say thank you so much for having me. I'm like, I cannot even tell you just like how excited I was when my publicist was like, do you want to do that? Because I'm not even kidding you. I was probably, I was like this close to sliding in your DMs and being like, hey, Nicole. So, I mean, i don't know i'm like free and just got a new mic that hooks up to my computer so if you ever want to talk on your podcast just let me know i mean you could have slid into those dms uh that's what i've been doing asking people but now i'm at team

coco and they ask people it's nice nice. I'm not booking it myself. It's real nice. You're like, I got people to do that. But no, I really love it. And I just felt like it was perfect because when I tell you, like, I was probably like, I'm going to do it tomorrow. I'm just going to shoot my shot and I'm going to ask her. And then literally got an email and I was like, look at God. What won't he do? I say the phrase wrong.

I think it's what will he do? I like to say, look at God. What won't he do? I say the phrase wrong. I think it's, what will he do? I like to say, look at God, what won't he do? But I think it's, what will he do? I don't know. What?

No, because what won't he do? Because it's like, what can't he do? But yeah, because it's like, well, first of all,

when I refer to God, I refer to her as she. Okay. Just when I think of like, just like the, just like the creative force, like life giving energy to me, it's just like inherently feminine. So like for me, it's like, what can't she do? Like she could do everything. So it's just like, it has to be her choice of like what she will and won't do.

Good. Then I'm right. And everyone who's been correcting me is wrong doesn't that feel great it feels amazing love validation i don't know if i think of god as any real gender i i say he just because of i was like raised in the church and that's just what they said so i guess i've just carried that on to my adult life. But like God is, also they were like, God is a menacing God, a vengeful God.

He'll kill you if you don't give your money and worship and sing to him. And I was like, oh. And smear blood over your doorframe. Yes, which is crazy. They're like, oh. No, thank you. God needs to chill a little bit.

Yes. So, like, my God is chill and giving and nice. And, like, things happen for a reason because of what's going to happen in the future. I don't know. But, like, my God's not trying to smite me. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Way too chill for that. Way too chill to be run around smiting just so full of love that's what i think i gotta tell you so when i guest judged uh all stars they don't tell you before you get there who's there and you only find out if you get to watch something or you walk and like get to see the challenge or you're just sitting there and they come at you and you're like, Oh,

but you were there. And I was like, Oh, it's shake. I was so excited because I was like, Shay will win and I will be happy. No, it was so great. I remember walking out for that room,

um, makeover challenge and seeing you and in the onesie and also this is i mean no shade to um uh michelle or or um ross but i was maybe a little bit jealous that you weren't in my tour group because i was just so upset i was really upset so all i could do is wave at you from the other side of the room and just be like i never know if the queens know me because one of my it's not a fear but i'm like what if rue because rue never announces i'm the guest judge in the workroom because you know they're like gaga's here and everyone's like oh my god i'm waiting for the time she's like, okay, Nicole Byers, our guest judge.

And everyone goes, who? And may a hole open up in the floor and they fall right the fuck through it. That's all I gotta say. I truly am waiting for that moment. It would be a dream come true for like one queen to be like, I love her. And then everyone else be like,

huh? It's funny because, um, right before, uh, this, we were at, um,

my boyfriend's mom's house for her, um, birthday and his nieces were there and, um, they love nailed it. So when, um, I told them that I was coming to record this podcast with you,

they got so excited. Oh, it is truly so wild that children like me uh it's never been a thing that i've wanted but i will say this i appreciate it because kids are fucking honest yeah so if i if they didn't think i was funny like they would be like you're not funny i don't like you but they like me think i was funny like they would be like you're not funny i don't like you but they like me so i'm funny teehee any adult is different you don't yeah kids get it do you have children fans because i know like drag con has a ton of kids there yes they do and it's crazy like you know back when we were in the routine of doing, you know, New York and L.A. and all that, there would be children that I would like see kind of like growing up right in front of my eyes.

Like, I remember these two sisters that would come all the time. And like the next year, I remember seeing them and not even recognizing the older one because she like was starting to hit like pubertyberty and was like really growing up and then and also you know they dress up and she's like in this little shangela look and i was just all like i was like riley that you girl look at you look at all grown you know it's crazy but um i'm glad that i can entertain children and i mean um kudos to their parents for letting them watch whatever content i am um engaging in because uh yeah it's uh some of my most of my content is not for kids and sometimes i'll get a tweet that's like oh my kid loves the theme song to your podcast but that's where it stops they can't listen to the rest of it i'm like i fucking get it we were talking wallpaper earlier and i was like we should get this on

the podcast but it has been a struggle i've actually been sitting here this whole time you know because obviously we're like on zoom right now just like looking at your wallpaper being like when do we get to talk about the wallpaper again baby it's from the bobby burke collection okay i'm like living for it i'm like loving it nice and graphic i love like a little black and white mom i mean you can even tell me by my little outfit here i've actually been wearing these um ivy park sweatpants for the last four days yes bitch wait is that from the last drop or the previous i got the last i literally set an alarm nicole and i'm so glad because i forgot and like took an edible that afternoon and fell asleep goodbye and then the alarm woke me up and

i was like why is my phone going off like what is this alarm for and then I was just like the icy park drop and then I was able to get you know a track suit and some sweatpants you know it was already selling out fast you know it was pandemonium it goes very fast it was it's wild the anxiety

I felt and I don't you know Beyonce like she's the only person that would get me to go out there doing things like that. You have a publicist. Ask your publicist to reach out. That's how I got mine. I said, please get it for me. Beyonce, please.

Yeah, no, I was up there on the Internet trying to elbow people, you know, like the rest of everybody. Like, get out my car, bitch. trying to elbow people, you know, like the rest of everybody, like, get out my car, bitch. How have you been dealing with, you know, quarantines and lockdowns? And have you been doing like digital drag shows at all or no? No. I mean, you don't have to make that face. I'm not doing digital stand-up shows i find it too hard yeah there is a time and a place for everything and me doing drag in my living room is not one of them and as much as i like wanted to be the person that was like giving the fantasy of like building

these sets and stuff in my house i was like girl i gotta clean that up then i'm like i'm right there with you i just the thought of constructing something for one time is like oh i couldn't no i couldn't possibly and i've been doing some decorating on my own i've watched too much hgtv yep the decorating so lala re on i watched the the drag race uh documentary and uh lala was like i've watched hgtv enough i could build you a house i was like oh i feel the same way but then you start and no you cannot these people are professionals for a reason everything is so hard i mean i can't even put together a billy bookshelf from ikea it is too hard you really do you really do think you're like i could do this because i i get to see this edited television show done in an hour where people put together entire houses

like i could definitely do this room in a day. And you're like, no, no, no. I'm on a little hiccup. So many little, like, uh, I wish everyone could see like the expanse of the wall that you have done on wallpaper.

Because me, I think I would have, uh, had at least four meltdowns. Uh, I have, I've had several meltdowns today i had one where i put the start of it at the top and then i was like unrolling it and then i got immediately wrinkled and i just

went it's just gonna stay wrinkled alone just alone in my office being like ah then i was like nicole take a deep breath it is okay don't worry don't worry and then I was like you're now talking out loud to yourself at wallpaper like girl this is it this is the last home improvement thing you do yourself right I love sometimes the power that inanimate objects will have on you to have a full out fight by yourself because I was thinking about like me just trying to do the four little strips of wallpaper in my bathroom and like literally having to like pace out and like walk back and forth in the hallway to like calm myself down and be like girl okay see now you're like literally huffing and puffing you just need to like go in there and just like have some patience. Yeah. Just like breathe. Drink some water. Yes. Breathe. Have a glass of wine.

Why not? You know? I wish I could drink wine. Oh, you do not drink? No, I drink. I drink. Okay. I am allergic. I somehow have developed in my, oh, I feel like I hit 30 and I'm allergic to sulfites,

which, you know, and so when when i drink wine my mouth is just on fire it's oh no it is the girl i used to love a good chardonnay you know like a nice little merlot a nice little sauvignon like i used to really love love love and rosé girl oh i do love a nice rosé on a summer day wait what else has sulfates in it um beer a lot of times hops and beer have sulfates in them um it's a preservative so sometimes you can find it and like it'll appear in things like mustard randomly but it's like it's more so like depending on how much is in something and the and wine has a really high amount so it's just like even depending on the type of wine like for instance i can have a glass of a barefoot wine okay i'll be great because like she don't got a high sulfite but

but then you go up the shelf a little bit and they got higher sulfide counts in them. And my mouth is on fire. I love it. Your body is like, please give me cheap wine. Or actually like, I won't say barefoot cheap. It's please give me middle of the road wine. Yes. Yes.

It's just like, girl, you don't need to be that bougie. I love it. It's like my palate is trying to keep me on a budget. You know, it's like just because she won a hundred thousand dollars. Please.

Not, not, I'm trying to think of what's the most expensive store what's an expensive big box store well there's walmart that's at the bottom i guess target's at the top what's in the middle then um i guess there's only target and walmart yeah oh. We get out and we shop a lot, obviously. I just online shop. I know. But when it really does come to going out and shopping, Target is the place that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside. I love Target.

Target is just a place where you go for one thing and then you leave with a cart full of items that you don't need. But then you're like, tee hee hee, this weird little plush toy makes me feel good. I'll look at it every couple of days and say, why did I buy it? But it made me feel good in the moment. moment i still think about the um antique looking decorative wine rack while hanging wine rack that i purchase and still have yet to hang but it just um sits in in the back of my pantry and so when i go and get popcorn i can look at it lovingly and be like i still don't feel bad about that well it's hard to figure out who's supposed to hang things so i watched no less than four videos of very nice women because i was like women will empower women these women will empower

this bitch to hang this curtain rod herself and let me tell you i put a dime size hole from the power drill because i did it wrong and then i was trying to put the anchor in and i was like i don't know and then i was like how did these women do this with such ease so i did hang one of the brackets but if you touch it or wave a hand near it just the tiniest gust of wind just knocks it right off who hangs the curtains like who and honestly those anchors are tricky because I don't find that like, even like the holes that you drill don't seem to be like the size for anchors. So it's either,

either you're shoving it in there or it's too loose. And you're like, okay, what do I do now? It's, it's hard. Oh my God. Is this what people with penises feel like?

They're just like, this hole's too wide. This hole's too tiny. Yeah. This hole's just right. Yeah. I mean, as somebody with a penis, I have definitely asked myself and said all those things.

So Shay, are you, you're dating someone. said uh you have a boyfriend yes dan we've been together yeah we celebrated our uh for your anniversary in january oh congratulations thank you thank you what did you do for your anniversary um you know we hung out well actually we ordered dinner from this um a nice middle eastern restaurant called um abba they had like a little prefix meal thing um where do you do you live in california or do you i live in chicago oh okay yes so if you're in chicago yeah uh-huh i'm still holding it down in the windy city everyone's like girl why don't you move out to la and let me tell you after this like last little blizzard moment like i think about it i think about it more chicago is truly the coldest fucking place

but it's such a dream i love chicago like in the summer my family lives on the south side and i used to just like go there every summer and spend time there and i love chicago but i will say i've said it a hundred times i'll say it again it is the most successfully segregated city currently today oh yeah because when white people i'd go back to jersey where i lived white people be like oh i'm from chicago my lived, white people would be like, oh, I'm from Chicago. My grandma lives in Chicago. I'm like, no, she doesn't. There's no way she lives there because I only stayed on the south side or went to the city where I was like, oh, everyone commutes in.

Who's not black? Yeah, exactly. And then I went to the north side and I was like, what? Wait a second. Yeah. So what do you mean they're here? You're like, where did all the black people go yeah um i actually did a uh really like serious dark play um in college that was like a dystopian fantasy about chicago where they actually like

built a wall um separating south and north chicago and like basically south chicago became this like ghetto where like people were like trying to like escape to get to the north side it was nuts it was it was it was so insane and and you think about it and you're like yeah i mean yeah it's so wild points were made i mean i get the point it's that's nuts i often think about like coded words like good neighborhoods and it's like oh it's a good neighborhood because there are no people of color there and i was like that's so wild that it's like when black people move in people are like well there goes the neighborhood and i'm like but why and then i started thinking about the cycle of poverty

and i was like so we get paid less so then we have less money to invest into our properties and whatnot so they do become dilapidated and then you're mad that we can't keep up with appearances but we don't have the money that you have to keep up with appearances y'all are fucked up that's like i yesterday was driving and I was like, yeah, just like had this like epiphany that I was like, it's everywhere. Yeah. It's annoying. I feel like I'm like reverse gentrifying my neighborhood sometimes because I'm just like walking, just being black and faggoty. And I know that these single families with their like little children are like, oh, oh.

But I mean, it's it's it's a gay neighborhood great but there's still there's there's still like me and my drag daughters be running amok how many drag daughters do you have i have three i have kinsey bambi and chloe oh my god what adorable names i love it yeah it's like it's like a episode of the proud family up in there that's actually the the title of our group chat it's the proud family i fucking love that it was very ridiculous what made you want to so you have your own house yes so what made you want to start your own house i you know what i honestly had no intention of doing that at all because i didn't have a drag mother um i didn't have like a drag mentor i was just like self-taught and just kind of like really came up and figured things out but i was like at this point like just prior

to season nine where i met kinsey and she was just like freshly 21 coming out to the club and we were hanging out and i was just like oh this baby she is so cute you know and she like loves like the same fashion designers and she's just got like great knowledge she like understands and she plays the violin i was like i feel like i could really help you know this girl so i was just all like okay do you want to be my drag daughter? And then went to, and I was just like, that would be, it'll just be Kinsey.

And then went, film season nine, came back, and people were like, oh my God, have you heard of this new girl? Her name is Bambi. She reminds us so much of you.

And I was like, okay, are y'all serious? Like really, all you white people see some other little black girl, you're just going to be like, oh, okay. She just reminds us so much of you Shay it's like crazy she like dances and it's like good and it's like uh and I went to the club and I remember seeing her for the first time and like having this moment where I was like is that me up there I was like I was like you guys didn't lie I was like who is that little girl I was like where you guys didn't lie. I was like, who is that little girl? I was like, where did she come from? All the way from Houston, Texas. And so then I was just all like, okay, come on.

And then, yeah, little Miss Chloe, little Miss Chloe came up. And I was just all like, this little one. She is the true comedian of the family. She's got such a funny bone. She makes me laugh. She is the sweetest little thing. And it's funny because even though she's like my a funny bone i just she makes me laugh she was the sweetest little thing and it's funny because even though she's like my youngest drag daughter she's the oldest of them all but still is the most innocent little sweet little bunny you could just possibly imagine but that's

it you know that's the family no more that's the family no more cheering no more cheering yes but you want to know what's funny that was like what my mom did but she's still she one of them wasn't fully i actually was a product of like i was born after my mom had her tubes tied incorrectly really she had a very difficult pregnancy she was like on bed rest for like the majority of it and it was just like it was really really hard but you know i mean i'm for sure the last of the baby but you know i was her little miracle and i'm just so like what wait that's so fucking wild that your mom had her tubes tied and they did it incorrectly and still got like that part is what is like bugging me like how do you do it fucking incorrectly oh she was a black woman yes they were like oh let's hurry up and get her fixed

oh um and and and this could also be that because i'm not the only one in my family like this my oldest sister um who's now passed on but with her youngest um jordan she was on the patch she's on the birth control patch and was like literally just like suffering from insomnia went into the doctor and they're like yeah girl you're pregnant she's like dang y'all's genes are strong. And they're like, we must create more. Yes. Just to like,

go back to relationships and shit. So you were not in a relationship during your first season of drag race. Yes. Or were you, we were dating at that point, but we, but like, you know, it was cause I had like gone away to work on doing costumes for this like summer camp this musical theater summer camp for kids in wyoming so i was pretty much gone that entire summer and like we had been dating off

and on but it was just kind of like at a point where we're like oh we don't you don't really know but it wasn't until like i went away to Drag Race and we couldn't even talk to each other at all for like six weeks. That like when I came back, we just kind of like picked up where we left off. And, you know, the rest is herstory. I love it. I love that you didn't have to deal with what dating was like after Drag Race. Like you just, you were like, have it. Don't have to deal with

weeding people out and thank god feeling like like being like what do you want from me exactly exactly just like knowing that i'm like okay i already trust you you know you've been here for like and we were like friends you know we had like a friendship it was just like yeah we like kind of like dated we we pursued each other for a while you know even before that so how how did you pursue each other was it like dms was it like oh let's hang out oh but we're friends no we actually no joke like but like we bumped into each other like at the club it was like literally like that scene in West Side Story where we were like, I hate you. I hate you.

How easy. You bumped into him. Yes. And we took a picture in the photo booth of the club that night and he kissed me. And we still have that photo booth picture. And he kissed me and we still have that photo booth picture. And yeah, you know, we, and I remember it was because it was season seven was doing a press tour for their release of Drag Race. And we met at an after party and we were literally just crossing each other like at the club, but just like stop and just said hello.

And then like sparked up a casual conversation and started talking it was literally just like that that's so nice and so easy right and i was just like all of my dating experience had been from apps and things like that and i was just like i actually just like literally bumped into someone like that i was like it literally just happened like that. I was like, it literally just happened like that. That's so wonderful. What was your experience like on the apps? Was it... How much fun do we have? It was so... It was like so...

It was so bad. It was so... I remember... It's like I hated dating on the app so much that i literally had just resolved to mostly meeting people um like after during or like after a show when like you know you're lit on a bar tab and i'm like like you know all inhibitions are gone and i could be like carefree and make out with somebody on the club and then like maybe if like the next morning we're still feeling each other like whatever because like the abs were just they're bad they're bad they're very

bad but also and the type of people like the the even like sometimes like the you might have chemistry with somebody on them and you get in person and you're like yeah that's why i don't talk to people for very long on the apps because it facilitates this like false sense of like oh i know you like i went on my first date since uh quarantine started and we had been talking for like a month and a half because I fell down my stairs, tee hee hee, dislocated my ankle, ha ha ha,

broke my fibula, ouch, ouch, ouch. I can't wait for that children's book. And they're like, this book is a hundred pages long. There's just so many weird sounds in between each word. But I had been like pretty immobile and we matched. And he asked, he was like, how do you feel about a park date? And I said, I feel good about that.

Like, I'm good with outside. I'm good with masks. But I can't walk right now. So, like, I have to wait till my screws come out and I can actually, like, do things. And he said, okay. So, we met up in the park. And we had been, since we had been texting for so long, I tried to, like, not super engage in conversations. Because I was like like i don't

want to get to know you too quickly over the phone but then we just like we're talking and it was nice and i was like oh my god this is great like i'm gonna meet him and it's gonna be love at first sight and i i thought he was cute and he had brought triscuits and I was like, but that's the hardest thing to eat. Like under a mask and it's just like glue, like gluey, weird, thick crackers. But then he had also brought four bottles of water and I was like, I don't think I need four bottles of water. But like he was trying and I was like, this is very, very cute. But he was telling me like a traumatic story about how they found his dad dead on christmas eve this is like also our first date so i was like

this is a lot and as he's telling me this story my wig had slid back and i could like feel the breeze and i was like trying to touch it and like pull it without him noticing and i didn't want him to be like, oh, she's like uncomfortable with death. And I'm like, no, I'm not uncomfortable with death. And then he like finished it and it was a somber moment. And I, it was just like silence. And I was like, my wig. My wig is falling off.

And he was like, it looks fine. I was like, it doesn't. And I pulled out my phone and Shayay my wig was so fucking far back like and i wasn't wearing a cap so like you could see my hair so it just looked like my hair maybe had been gelled down into like a flowy different texture and i was like to the wide eye it looks fine but like had a nice black friend walk by they would be like bitch it's sliding back nobody's telling you and i there was no coming back from it it was just very awkward and then the date ended and i was limping away with my boot and uh we didn't go out again but i was like you know what she's back at it and of course that's my first date back yes she's like back at the game

she's like wig sliding at all it was a windy day i i'm like imagining like karen huger on real housewives of potomac at that picnic that was absolutely me minus the sound it was just internal freaking out because i was like if this thing falls off my head at the park there's truly no coming back from that like just shaking it out being like it's dirty now like right i i i just in all of my years have still not been able to figure out how to successfully reposition a backslidden wig in a way that doesn't, you know, bring attention to it. You know, like you could never do it. I'm just like, I wish there was like a subtle way to just like push it up from the back.

Yeah, but there isn't. There isn't because you gotta get that little thump. You have to lift the lace that someone thinks is your skin and pull it forward. And it truly, not only does it take you out of the fantasy that this person has hair, you're just like, what? Are you a transformer? What the fuck else is going to lift up off of you? I don't know.

Date me and find out. But I'm like, ready to go back out there ready to meet another friend in the park i don't know i just it seems depressed and i keep reading these articles that were like you know loving the corona age it's not all bad but he didn't tell me he had corona and i saw him the week so he exposed it to me but like i didn't have it he had Corona and I saw him the week. So he exposed it to me, but like, I didn't have it. So like we, and I was like,

it just adds this layer of, it's a rollercoaster. Yes. And it's not like I'm scared. I'm going to get it from someone in the park. And hopefully after meeting someone a couple of times, like they would be responsible and we would have a talk to be like, Hey,

let's like, just be responsible. And if you fuck fuck somebody you tell me so i can choose to whether or not i'm gonna stick with you again uh but you know sometimes people aren't responsible as shit and sometimes people don't care i keep saying i'm staying inside because i have yet to see a fat person be like i i recovered from corona just fine but then someone dm'd me and they were like i'm 500 pounds and i had corona and i was fine and my friend she's a big girl she survived too and i was like okay i don't want to be telling people i survived i was like i just i'm okay staying inside nobody's having them like enough fun for me to be like i gotta get out there yeah the fomo hasn't really hit me yeah all the cruises all the port of vallarta's all of that none of it has really made me feel

like i was missing out on anything i don't think anyone got hurt but when the boat capsized i was like this is funny we're like we need this comedy so just thank you so much we'll take it yes it's so wild i don't know i just i don't i'm i'm not the gal who who wants to gamble with her health i don't know like i just it's not for me if i get it by accident then okay but like why not just try to be safe yeah that's sexy safe been sexy and cool yeah all the cool kids are doing it real quick we have to take a break and

we back I want to get your opinion on this so I don't know when this episode will come out but I release an episode with a comedian who I think is so funny. We had such a nice time. And I asked, I asked all my guests, but they date me.

And their response was no, because I was fat and they were traumatized because they were dating a fat woman and their friends called him James and the giant peach. And I laughed because I think that's a really funny roast. And I still think about it. And I, it's just like, that friend was very quick to think of that one, two, it's funny. Three, like I'm okay being a fat woman, but people got mad at me because I didn't like serve it to them and tell them that like that's internalized fat phobia or whatever but I was like I don't know somebody who says that out loud I feel like you hear it do you know what I'm saying like yeah

yeah I just I don't know what's your opinion like do you think do you do you think preferences in dating are valid or invalid oh gosh I it's hard for me to say because like I am one of those people that doesn't have preferences I'm very much so attracted to such a wide spectrum of people. I'm just like very queer like that. So it's just like, I guess when people limit themselves, I guess for them, I'm just like, I mean, you're missing out, you know, by labeling the broad components of people's like personalities and their like energies and their spirits just based off of what they look like physically i'm just like that's just like so basic but i don't know it's a hard question because i was thinking about it it's like i feel

like some people are attracted to assholes i am not like some people i see the the type of people that they date and i'm like why do you date these assholes? Like you just are just seem to be attracted to fucking asshole douchebag people with shitty personalities. But clearly they got big dicks. So I'm like, that works for you. So you clearly have a preference there. You know, for me, I like sweet people with great personalities and big brains like I'm way more sapiosexual in that way like and personally with your thoughts and your ideas

and stuff like that so yeah I think I like me personally I have an idea of what I think I want but also I'm very open to whomever because you know how you like meet someone at first you're like I don't think I'm gonna like them and then half a second later you're in the conversation you're like oh my god I want this person to be in my life forever and always so you're gonna be standing up at my wedding if I don't marry you yes um and I can't tell you how many dates I've been on with people where I'm like they're not my type but like why not just go and I went and I can't tell you how many dates I've been on with people where I'm like, they're not my type, but like, why not just go? And I went and I was like, oh my God, I really like this person. So I think it's okay to understand that you're you don't have the I don't want to say like you're not strong enough to deal with societal you know talking about you and shit but like I think it's a nice thing to realize before you hurt someone's feelings

I don't know if I'm articulating this well I wouldn't want to be dating somebody who if someone was like hey fat ass they crumbled and they were like oh i'm sorry and say something later do you know what i mean because they were like well she is a fat ass and like i don't know like i would want someone to be like hey i love that fat ass that fat ass is gushing from my fucking face because i eat her out yes do you know so it's just like absolutely i when people say shit like that i'm like oh well then like i don't need that like and i feel like it's like you hear someone say that you're like oh well people still think like that so i'm gonna gravitate towards someone who doesn't

i don't know i it's weird when people say they have a preference yeah i don't i i personally don't get it i just don't yeah but it is like you said there's been so many times where i've actually gone out on dates with people that i didn't think would be my like maybe type and been so surprised so it's just like why limit yourself yeah i think that's the conclusion i've come to that like i'm okay if you have a preference and i'm not that preference because that means i don't have to worry you're like right there's a huge world of people so it's like oh so that one i pick up and i go okay not for me and i go find somebody who is for me and i just like all of the people who were so pressed. I was like, why are you so upset about this one opinion of somebody that you don't even

know? Why not just go find someone who loves you for you? I don't know. I guess they were also like, you were vibing so hard. And I was like, I'm not, it's a comedy podcast.

For me to have the thought that I'm like, every person I speak to I'm going to fall in love with is literally insane. Insane. I'm hoping I just bump into somebody. Honestly, when COVID's over or, you know, things are slightly back to normal, I'm just going to be bumping into people. Yeah.

Just like bump, like, oh, hi, sorry. Right, you never know. That's what I want. You could just be just like graciously going to get another, you know, Jameson Ginger and just bump into the love of your life. I mean, it would be so wonderful. Wouldn't it?

It would just be, I mean, that would be so wonderful. It would just be. I mean, that's what I want. And I have friends who've like also like bumped into a person and like just sparks happened. And I'm like, where's that magic for me? Universe, give it to me. I'm horny. And my mouth is ready. I've been practicing.

Yes. Oh my God. I don't know how many more times I can masturbate alone. Well, I mean, do it in front of a mirror. So it's like you're doing it with a twin or a friend. Put on a wig. So it's a friend. Oh, wow.

Like a little red haired moment. I like like that i don't have any red hair i tried to buy a red-haired wig it was like this gingery color and it was curly and what was advertised was not what i got what i got was truly like a ronald mcdonald wig and i was like my god what a treat i look just like little orphan annie just black and i was just like wearing it around the house and i fully looked in the mirror was like oh my mind is gone i've lost it it's goodbye one thing that i have learned to do when i'm shopping for wigs online you know when people try and be get really cute with the pictures of how they want to represent their products reverse google image search the wig and see whose wig it really is wow honestly that is ingenious that's so fucking smart because i buy them from this place called aliexpress and aliexpress loves

to show you one wig and then you get it you You're like, this isn't even a lace front. This is like a T-part and I don't like a T-part. Right. Okay. Try Sam's Beauty Supply. Oh, okay. Sam's Beauty. They are great.

They're great. Okay. Love them. Here I am just giving them free shout outs. I mean, do you hear that? I like giving free shout outs to companies that i love because then they stick around for me to patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron patron I don't know. Patron. Patron. Yes. Patron. Like there's this restaurant in New York that I love so much. It's called Toast. It's on 125th and Broadway. And I today woke up and was like,

will they survive the pandemic? I wake up in a fright all the time being like, whoa, what do I have to do today? Will this survive so if you live in new york go there so when i finally get back to new york i can go there toast okay i will definitely have to check it out my my um place in new york is peaches where's that that's in um bedstuy brooklyn ah okay good good good peaches wait what what do they serve there it's like um it's like soul food brunch it's like soul food brunch yeah girl it is like peaches so good and if you can manage to not be like too hung over before you go like on like a sunday and can get up a little bit early before the after church crowd you can get in and get sat in immediately oh that sounds delightful you know what i want i want

collard greens with like ham hock in it yes i've there's a couple places out here that do greens but i'm like but it's not right it's not i'm hot there's no ham hock in it and it's not like i guess it's vinegary i don't know it's not like juicy enough it's not juicy enough it's not like, I guess it's vinegar. I don't know. It's not like juicy enough. It's not juicy enough. It's got to be really sour. I, for some reason, well, not for some reason. I'm going to tell you the reason. But me and my boyfriend were watching an episode of Mixed Dish. And the youngest sister referred to greens as hot black people salad.

Because Rainbow was babysitting them and she asked her what she wanted for lunch and that's what she said and she was just like i don't and rainbow's like i don't know how to make collard greens and i was like not home girl calls it hot black people salad honestly that is truly the funniest thing i've ever fucking heard because black people as a kid i would eat that salad that was the only like green shit you could get me to eat was collard greens i was like yes like at thanksgiving that was there was no salad we didn't have salad you had greens yeah you had greens oh my god i miss cooked in like pork fat Oh, I miss it. Same. Oh my God. I miss like good soul food.

There's, I guess there's some in LA. Like I found pretty decent fried chicken. There's a Gus's out here, which is like so good. And then there's a Harold's out here, but I don't trust, I don't trust that Harold's to be like a Chicago Harold's. Oh yeah. I would be so sad.

Oh my God. It's so fucking good number 62 that used to be my joint so fucking good wabash and like wabash and like seven uh-huh i think that's what my mother would go to she had a very specific one that she liked number 62 was good and oh my god that chicken i remember the first time oh oh oh oh my God, that chicken. I remember the first time. Oh my God. I'm horny and hungry. The double H is horny and hungry. That's who I am.

Hear that kids? What is the thing you're like the most excited to do after COVID-19 is contained, honey, and we have herd immunity. I just want to put on a thong and run around the beach. Oh my God. That sounds fucking delightful. Just be as free as the wind on this beach.

I love that. I want to go to, I haven't wanted to go to like a bar or like a club as much as I've ever wanted to write this instant. I just, I miss it. I miss specifically gay bars because when I dress up the gay men, they go,

wow, you put an effort in, you go to like a normal straight bar, straight club. They're just like, Oh, you're a person and you're here. But like gay men, they go, wow, you put an effort in. You go to like a normal straight bar, straight club. They're just like, oh, you're a person and you're here. But like gay men, oh, they'll give you nice compliments. And I'm like, yes, this is what I want. Yeah.

No, I miss doing poppers on the dance floor. When the beat really drops. And it's really dark. I love poppers. I think they're so fun but I do worry I'm like does it really like fuck with your brain but then I'm like oh everything kind of does whatever yeah our cell phones

you know yes yeah you might as well really enjoy this dance yeah I agree the fun don't stop but it does truly like 30 seconds after you popped it i remember the first time i did poppers i was like this is ever it was done okay you're like what oh okay goodbye thank you okay so for me i i would like some advice do you have any advice on how i should approach people uh once we're allowed to be near people actually no like on the apps do you have any like opening lines that you think are good okay okay my name is nicole byer bitch and before i let you walk you better show me how you crawl oh there you go okay i'm playing. I literally just was like, what?

Nicki Minaj lyric that I inserted into her life. I truly was like, trying to like, be like, okay, well. She was like, she's like,

can I be a dom? She's like, is Nicole a dom? I couldn't be a dom, specifically because I would giggle too much. I'd be like, get on the floor

but i like i would love oh my god you know what could you could you be like oh you know what i think because you love to laugh like could you ever be into like tickle torture or would that like absolutely like be too much for you i don't think i could be tickled because after a while i get not violent but like i'll start screaming and like my roommate one time tickled me and it was funny for like 30 seconds and then i was like you have to stop why are you doing this to me and i was like swinging at him so i don't think i could do it but maybe i could tickle somebody but maybe not i don't know i feel like your laugh would be for someone who is into like tickle torture would probably be like really great for someone who is being tickled torture i mean honestly the more i learn about like

sex work and stuff the more i'm like i want in i would love to make money where someone's like getting off and all i'm doing is tickling them hell yeah you know i i honestly don't even understand how anybody can look down on sex work when the rest of us are out here doing it for free i that's what i keep fucking saying like it's so wild to me. I'm like, in this capitalist society, you really are out here. You're out here giving it away for free and you want to look sideways as someone who's making bank off of it.

It's so fucking bonkers that sex work is illegal because I'm like, why not make them independent? Well, actually, I don't know what sex workers want other than decriminalization. They don't want it legal.

I can't remember why. But I'm like but if they were incorporated and you taxed sex like that's more taxes i don't i don't know if they want to be taxed probably right that's why they're like they're like no no thank you but i'm just like this is so it's kind of like weed why is it like people like smoking weed so why is it and like why is it even a discussion like tax it also like just make it legal at a federal level so it can be like what the it's so weird i've never met a person who's like oh i smoked a blunt and then murdered a family do you know what i mean it's like i smoked a blunt and murdered a box of oreos like it's just so weird to me have you had the chromatica oreos um i have not you gotta do it look my friend did and they told me that they were pooping green for like two days

and that was the moment where i was like oh maybe i don't know i was like because my stomach is a little sensitive i just found out I'm allergic to sulfates. Fair, fair, fair. I will say, it's like a very vanilla flavor, and I think it's so nice. I just don't understand why Lady Gaga did a collaboration with Oreo for Chromatica when Chromatica came out so long ago. Yeah. It's confusing. Is it so we didn't forget about Chromatica?

But how could we forget about Chromatica? how could we forget about chromatica we could not forget about chromatica no i mean i was just literally listening to 911 today i like chromatica rain on my that was my ariana i hope you liked it i liked it so much i could feel the high pony i I loved it so, so much. What's your favorite hairstyle in drag? This has nothing to do with what we're talking about, but my ADD medication has worn off. Oh my God, my favorite hairstyle. I would probably have to say it would be,

it was a replica of RuPaul'sul's supermodel of the world world cover i wore it for um the winter reveal for all stars and it's like you know just like 90s black like cone yes curls just like all piled on top of my head but these like little braids like i just love i always just feel so kind in that wig it's so fucking cute i um keep getting wigs made that i don't know when i'm gonna wear them i'll see them on drag race and i'll be like that one so the candy muse olivia lux little like uh did you see it's like little bobble balls i don't know what to call them because when i was little i called them ponytail hold i called them ponytail holders because it was the only thing my mother used like i didn't know what to call them I called them ponytail I called them ponytail holders because it was the only thing my mother used like I didn't know that there was scrunchies

or anything else I wore those till I was old too old actually but I had that wig made this man Edward I love my god he's talented I got that wig and I was like holy shit he's like a godfather

baby hairs yeah oh my god it is stunning i have no idea where i'm gonna wear it but i was like that one and to the beach that would be a good beach day wig you know when you just out on the sand and you and your cute little swimsuit you got your little yes maybe i will do that like a cute little floaty oh hey hello oh girl so cute but i guess i asked because i said this to monet exchange and bob but like i just appreciate that so many black queens are wearing black hair and because growing i grew up around a bunch of white people and i never realized the micro aggressions that happened where i was like i can't have cornrows nobody else has cornrows they keep touching my cornrows i don't like cornrows i don't wear them i wear my hair straight that's

all that i do and i love drag race i've been watching it since inception and just like the evolution of black queens owning blackness like the new delusion look that was just like the evolution of black Queens owning blackness, like the new delusion look that was just like very tribal, like very Africa, like the rings around your neck. I was just like, Oh, I just,

it just really brings me joy that like a kid will see that or like someone in their twenties who maybe grew up the same way I did. And they're like, Oh yeah, being black is fucking cool and beautiful and like amazing and like why would i hide this part of me from anybody so i just want to say thank you oh thank you that's so affirming i appreciate that and i just like yeah girl i just love being able to show um people uh my black experience because you know blackness it's it's something that's not monolithic and there's just so many different

experiences that we can show and i love being able to connect with uh you know many different black people black creatives just like and kids and just everybody and and to just feel like loved and accepted by this community has been you know really great because one of the things i remember just like in the five years that i spent auditioning for drag race the one thing that i was like really excited about was to like belong to the like this big family and now i feel like i'm part of this big family i love it you are it is a big family yeah i just i just like it and uh i've been like trying to incorporate more black hairstyles in my hair but also just like playing with things that like i was like oh maybe this doesn't look good on me and i'm like i don't

fucking know i'm just gonna like try it who fucking cares and i never learned how to braid my hair because i was like not important never need to learn but i mean it's shaved now but like when it was long i was like i'm gonna learn so i spent like an hour or two hours in front of my mirror just being like okay oh this is how it fucking goes because it's like i want to be able to corner my hair like that's not all black people know how to do it but like it's like let me cultivate these roots come on yes let me make these roots go into a pattern of my ancestors i don't know my ancestors um were mostly bald um uh yeah because when i did the the 23 and me um the masai tribe the women shaved their they shaved their heads so maybe i'll do similar to the warriors the way that the warriors look uh the

female warriors in um black panther you know the red and the ring and the bald head like that's how the sister girls out there yes i sometimes look in the mirror when i'm not wearing makeup and i'm like oh i look like such a little boy which is fine and then i'm not wearing makeup and i'm like oh i look like such a little boy which is fine and then i'll put on makeup and i'm like oh my god having no hair is a look it is like yes it is a look i fucking love it i feel powerful yes you feel bold owning just like you yes but i will say it's hard to keep a wig on my head and uh i've dabbled now into the the gluing of my wig down or like with like the sprays and whatnot have you tried the little silicone um wig bands i have one i have not tried it yet are they good they actually yes i just i

was i was pleasantly surprised like okay this actually kind of do you know when you actually are so ready for something and then that work and then it does and then it like proved you wrong and you're like, uh-huh, okay. Yeah. That's me every time I get a purple carrot box. I've been eating vegan and I'm like,

nah, vegetables, they're stupid. And then I'll cook and I'm like, wow, vegetables are versatile and yummy for me. Like, it's just fucking annoying. long have you been um plant-based vegan um thank you um since may of last year i probably had meat maybe 15 times uh so it's like it's an ebb and flow where i'm like i want chicken so. So I'll have chicken. Yeah. Sometimes you just got to listen to your body. Yes. Feed me. Yum. Feed me Seymour.

Feed me Seymour. But next month I plan on going completely, not completely plant-based, but just like a vegetarian. But I'm going to call myself a vegan because I prefer to identify that way. Thank you. But yeah, I'm going to try to see how long,

I'm going to try to like do it uninterrupted for 30 days because allegedly that's when a habit forms okay yeah that's allegedly i learned that from the internet look me dead ass in my eyes everybody listening she said allegedly allegedly she said i didn't say facts okay okay because i don't know nothing i just like skim things on the internet and then start spouting off the knowledge I think I have. And then my roommate will be like, Nicole,

no. And I'm like, I don't know, bitch. I don't know. I read it on the internet. I saw the headline. What?

I had to read the article. Yeah, bitch. I read the headline. That's it. That's my reading comprehension. Okay. Well,

Shay, this has been delightful lovely entertaining stunning gorgeous I love it I have a question I ask all my guests this I think I've only missed it once or twice but would you date me absolutely yeah I judge everyone on a scale of how much would my mom love them and like you would be a 10 thank you she'd eat you up she'd eat you up with a spoon i love that i love moms yeah i just love an older woman who wants to care about me we all need that right it's just nice my friend eleanor's mom she truly is like a champion of everything i do she's always like good truly is like a champion of everything I do.

She's always like, good job. I started a sewing club and I posted my friend Meatball and my friend Sashira. We get together on Sundays and we sew because I was like, I want to learn. It's a skill that would be nice. It's like I buy a pair of pants and I could just hem them. Or like on a Saturday, it's like I could just make a jumpsuit. Why the fuck not? But Jane was like, oh, that looks looks perfect that's so nice and good and I was like yes a nice older lady really is

we need it I do I think it's just because like my mom's dead and it's nice that an older lady who has kids is like uh doing mom things for me so it's like I get that a little bit so it's it's nice see my mom gets so much pleasure from being a mom-like figure so it's like i get that a little bit so it's it's nice see my mom gets so much pleasure from being a mom-like figure so many people you know even like at at at her church call her mom she literally loves to she and she was a nurse for over 30 years she just loves to like nurture people will listen to me have conversations with my mom on facetime and they'll be like i was just like in the room and they're like i feel inspired and cared for and loved and she wasn't even talking to me i love

that you should just start a podcast of you facetime or not no that's not a podcast a youtube channel of you facetiming your mom or just release the audio and be like right if you're looking for love here it is i totally should because she just be speaking just the sweetest things to me just all the time that's so nice i feel like i've been trying to speak nicer to myself because it's like why be so mean to you you have to live in this body but it's also really nice to have like someone on the outside be like you're worthy and good and i love you so much yes she's very very that and let me tell you when especially when i tell her about friends like literally when i say these three magic words pray for them girl when you make it on maryland's prayer list you better know the manifestations that will come into your life will be so bountiful well tell her to pray for me to find a man

or a person i'm pretty open i don't mind a person who's wonderful she likes details like that you know what i'm saying she likes details like that so i'll make sure to tell her okay so here's she's always like be specific yeah um a person i don't mind how they identify i have tried to not close doors to opportunity that way um i would like for them to be like pretty solid with who they are i would like them to have a career that they love um i understand that money could be an issue because covet is not kind to everyone um but i would like them to be nice kind respectful love me and uh hot to me yes oh that's so perfect and i love that we have this literally recorded that's so simple god i don't even have to write anything down oh i can't wait for maryland to manifest this for me and then one day you're

just gonna be walking through the club and then just like, bam, I love it. And then he's going to be like, Marilyn sent me and I'm going to be like, but by that time I will have forgotten. I'll be like Monroe.

You're like, did I fall into a time warp? Where am I? What year is this? What am I? What's happening? I love it. Shay, thank you so much for doing this.

Truly, you are a goddamn delight. Oh, thank you. You too. I had so much fun. What a dream. Okay. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it.

You can subscribe and give me five stars on apple podcasts if you dm me something nasty i will read it uh or if you leave it as like a review but this nice person dm me and said i would use your clit like a speed bag and deliver a long and powerful series of punches and then might be too aggressive but you get the metaphor to warm you up after your clit has taken all it can i would eat you out your pussy i would eat you out your pussy like a pudding spoon without a wait no like a pudding cup without a spoon making sure my tongue gets all that pussy juice afterwards i would start jackhammering you while i suck on your tig old bitties when we finish i would toss you a towel and a Gatorade.

Get dressed, bounce out the window and tell the tale of that good good for generations to come. Thank you. Also, how wild that this person's going to jump out a window. Yeah, I mean, who's pursuing them? I don't know. I guess I would want more. Was it just that good that yeah that you're like get away from her i have to go yeah that's so funny yeah maybe it was just the

jackhammering that was just like too much maybe i mean does anyone not like a jackhammer i i always think that it's good to have like a good nice little body roll uh-huh i like a body roll i body roll is that because like that jacket like you gotta know how to bounce back because bodies bounce like there's energy come in so you got to be able to you know move and flow with it so i don't mind a jackhammer so what i don't like is like the circles i don't need circles but like like a pound pound pound pound pound into a nice slower slower build pound pound pound pants lower like i like levels ebbs and flows it's like a dance yes yes yes yes a waltz where you change who leads i don't know i don't know i think one person but that's it okay where you change who leads. I don't know. I don't know. I think one person leads. I don't know.

But that's it. Okay. Bye-bye. Take care. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by

oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a team coco production