Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Bad Dating App Bios (w/ Aparna Nancherla)

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

Stand-up comedian Aparna Nancherla (BoJack Horseman, Corporate) joins Nicole to discuss how her first and only Tinder date evolved into her longterm relationship. They read some bad dating app bios, talk The Real Housewives of Potomac, and Aparna gives advice on preparing for the possibility of a Handmaid's Tale-like apocalypse. We're nominated for a Webby Award! Please cast your vote here: https://vote.webbyawards.com/PublicVoting#/2021/podcasts/general-series/comedy Follow Nicole Byer: Upcoming Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Ooh, baby, she's back in it. She's touring again. All right. So here is where I'm going to be this summer. You better believe I'm coming to Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities, June 17th through 19th. I'm going to be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv, June 25th through 27th. And then in July, I am going to be in Tacoma at the Tacoma Comedy Club. And I have lots, lots more in the works. So if you didn't hear where you live, I'll probably be there soon. I haven't fucking toured in a year uh so I mentioned I get back over also you can find tickets um by just like clicking the link in the bio of my Instagram or my Twitter um I have a website NicoleByerWasTaken.com hit up tour dates click on that link get them tickets okay what a treat oh yeah bye-bye why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why Why?

Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could throw out all my hair products and wigs and weaves, and I would say, I love you. My guest today, you've seen her on Crashing, you've seen her or heard her on Bojack Horseman, Mythic Quest Raven's Banquet, you've seen her on Corporate, she has a Comedy Central half hour, it's Aparna Nancherla! Hello! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, how are you i am well i feel like it's um maybe stupid to ever ask anyone ever oh wait let me fix my mic i feel like it's stupid to ever ask someone ever again how are you i know

it feels like such a loaded question already but then after 2020 just yeah it's not it hasn't been fun and then 2021's been like more of 2020 i know we had people storm the capital the internet's a buzz saying that kanye west and jeffree star are having an affair but hasn't you haven't heard this i'm i'm any new celebrity news you tell me will be new to me well allegedly um jeffree star is i don't know when this is going to come out it might be old news by then but allegedly jeffree star had an affair with kanye west and that's why kim and kanye are getting a divorce. Oh, my. I did hear about the divorce, but wow, I didn't realize what was brewing behind the doors. Yeah. I don't know if it's true in the slightest.

I don't know. I just look at things online now, and then sometimes I'll look up the validity of it, and then sometimes I'll retweet it and be like, I don't know. I didn't look it up. This seems like a good thing. I don't know. Then didn't look it up. This seems like a good thing. I don't know. Then I let other people tell me whether it's true or not. It takes time to cross-reference and find your sources.

It's a lot. It's too much. Aparna, are you in LA or in New York right now? I'm in New York. And yeah, I primarily live here. I'm in LA for work. I feel like we only see each other in LA yes yes yes at a show remember those I was gonna say I think I was trying to remember the last time

I saw you it could I can't remember it was 2019 2018 I think it was a show at like the Echoplex. Yes, it was. I think it was season two premiere of Corporate. Yes. There was a show and then we watched an episode. Yes, that's right. Which might have been 2019. I remember your set. I don't know if this was true, but you were like, I just got dumped today.

Yes, it was true but you were like i just got dumped today yes it was true oh my god so that was like yeah that was like the beginning of 2019 dang we haven't seen each other forever yeah it's been oh boy it's this year i mean yeah it's only been a little bit into it has been wild but 2020 was truly i like haven't seen so many people in so long. I mean, I haven't seen most people I know for all of 2020. Yeah. And then I was on, you know, the internet. I like, I saw a tweet that I couldn't identify with more. I was like, haven't put my phone down since March 2020.

And I was like, truly, I haven't. I just have it on and I'm always on it but uh there's this rapper named Blueface who went to a strip club nobody was in a mask everybody was just having a really great time seemed like there wasn't even a pandemic happening and I was like oh yeah there's just some people who are living some people are blissfully unaware of what's happening it feels fully wild um i also i'm like what happens when we're all vaccinated do we all just like go back to doing hours of comedy like i don't know my hour like we just catch up on the backlog we're all doing like 17 shows a day. That sounds awful. And I don't want that.

No, I don't. Have you been keeping up with shows at all? Like Zoom shows? I haven't been doing Zoom shows, but I did three or four outdoor shows at the end of last year before things got really terrible in LA. And we found out that our tests weren't reliable.

Everything that even sounds good, there's a catch to it. Yeah, it's not fun. But I guess we could talk about more fun things. Aparna, this is a relationship podcast. I have a question. You can also say, I don't feel like answering. And that's okay, too. Are you single dating? I don't think you're married unless you did it secretly. What's your relationship status? That way? I guess people have been getting married in quarantine. But no, I'm in a relationship. But we are not married. Okay. How long have you been in your relationship? We just passed four years in August. Oh, yeah. It's been a while. That's a nice long time. And I feel like quarantine should really count as like five years.

Okay. So you've been together for seven, eight years. Yeah, seven years. Seven, eight years, you know. How did you guys meet? This is kind of wild, but we met on Tinder. Oh. And it was my first Tinder date. You know, I keep hearing about people who are like,

yep, I went out with one person from the internet, and they're my person. I mean, that's not me. I've gone out with plenty of people from the internet, but this was my first Tinder. Ah, I see. I see. I see. That's nice.

It was unexpected. Where was your first date? We, do you remember that place in Williamsburg called like the Roebling Tea Room? No. What's the Roebling Tea Room? I had never been there before, but it was just like a bar and I don't know, lounge near Bedford Avenue. And we met there and we stayed there until it closed, which is always a good sign for a first date. Yes, yes, yes.

That is always really nice. We were like, oh, my God, I could talk to this person for forever. I know. And I had had so many mediocre dates to that point that I was just like, I can't believe this is still going. That is truly my favorite date where you're like, oh boy, will I go home? Will they go home? Will we go home together? What's going to happen?

Yeah, I think because I was just still very skeptical of men at that point. I was like, this is not going past this bar, but we'll see about a second date. Where was, okay, how long was it in between your first and your second date? Do you remember? Good question. I think I had to travel. So I think it was a little while I think it was maybe two weeks. Oh, okay. Yeah, right. I feel like that's my life, too. It's like I meet someone I like. And then I'm like, Okay, well, I'll see you in a month. I have a bunch of shit to do. So sorry. Bye bye. Yeah, I think early on we had a conversation about like, how are we going to keep this going when I'm always gone? And we didn't really come up with answers.

But it worked. But it worked. It turns out it's really good to be gone a lot of the time. Yeah, I guess so. Maybe it makes someone miss you. yeah I guess so maybe it makes someone miss you yeah and I think I think I always tended towards guys where they have enough going on where they're not like freaking out that you're gone all the time yeah that works I can't believe your first date off tinder what a real treat a real treat I mean I could tell he was different because he actually initiated making plans whereas I feel like

all the other guys I talked to they were just like hey and then that was it yeah the the awful uneventful hey and you're like hey what do you say back to hey other than hey

I don't know that's why I don't like bumble bumble's where the lady has to initiate and then i guess that like when the ball's in their court they like respond back and ask you i've just never had anyone ask me out from bumble me neither i was on bumble before same deal yeah i don't like it it it sucks oh god i'm on all the apps it's a tricky thing about bumble is they make it seem really empowering and then you're like why do i feel even more like shit after this one i fully agree because yeah it's like you have the power yeah girl power because yeah it's like you have the power yeah girl power they're never gonna answer you you'll be alone forever okay cool so that's what girl power is yeah uh it's really awful and i keep

reading uh like new york times profiles i'm like these people are fucking and here's how they're doing it you mean like people who are not in relationships they're just on the market yeah yeah like i keep reading these like op-eds where it'll be like this is a person who had one failed relationship and the the other person lied to them they don't feel safe so they gave up on dating or like these people met were dating for a little bit and then decided to be physically uh what was the terminology? It was like, physically monogamous. And I was like, what? Physically monogamous? So they're only sleeping with each other, but then they're going on dates with other people?

I was like, this doesn't, this sounds insane. But then where are the other dates going? Or is it just they like going to dinner with new people? I guess maybe they like going to dinner or sitting in a park with new people. But to me, that sounds exhausting. I would never. No, that seems like all the bad parts of dating. Yeah, I fully agree. Meeting someone new and being like, do we match? Do I like talking to you is terrible. I you seem like a an extrovert like you can keep the conversation going you like being around people I feel like after dates for me I need to nap so much energy energy and efforts I mean I'm pretty outgoing but sometimes dates are draining

where I'm like oh my god this person this person tried to take my life force. They were bad. I didn't like it at all. And then sometimes I'll hibernate and I'll be like, I'm not looking at the apps. I can't do it. Well, sometimes when the other person's not bringing a lot to the table, you're like, what are you like this on every day? Uh huh. Yeah. And and it's like how do you get to keep going on dates uh why do people like you you said you had an ex how how did you trick

someone into dating you you cut to their ex it's just a live doll like she wasn't chatting I dating in New York seems easier to me uh do you think do you agree with that statement I think I agree with it in that New York it seems easier to meet other people on a regular basis like there's more situations you're in where you're just running into more people. Whereas LA, I feel like you go to a place, you have limited interaction, and you all get in your cars and go to your separate homes. Yeah, it is a very, I don't know what the word is, a very individualistic society here. Yeah. I think that's a good word for it.

You're absolutely right. Because in New York, I would go to shows, see a friend. a friend would be like, oh, I'm going to this other show. I'd be like, oh, okay, well, I guess I'll go. And then you just like bop around the city and then you meet or run into so many different people here. You truly go to one location and everyone's like, I have to hike in the morning or like whatever. And then everyone's like goodbye and you're like oh okay i know even i mean even drinking cultures people are like i have to drive i can't yes which is like great be responsible but like i miss it when i first moved here i was like wait the bars are not open until two or three they close close at midnight. What are we doing? And then now I've gotten a little older and I'm like, this is civilized. It's a civilized way of living. This is very nice. But I do feel like after New York, LA in that way can feel kind of small towny. Yes. Yeah. And I often think I was like, when when covid's done i have to figure out how to be in new york

for an extended amount of time i don't like i love la i love my my life here but i'm like yearning for like hustle and bustle and being around a ton of people yeah i mean it seems like your work regularly takes you here between the two coasts used to oh right right right right and you better believe covid said you stupid bitch you'll stay in la i mean i i've noticed a few people traveling for work for shooting stuff yeah but i don't know and i feel like a lot of those people are going to canada where canada makes you quarantine for 14 days yeah which is really nice and wild that we don't do that here like i have a friend who flew somewhere

for christmas and then was coming back to work in la and i was like how is this production okay with you being on vacation and then coming back to la not quarantining and just working i was just like this is how it's this is bad this is but you know i just i don't know everything is no i've done like a few shoots and it does feel a little bit like here's just an honor code. You said you did your best to not get COVID, so we're going to trust you. Yeah, that's truly what it feels like. Kind of like the airplanes where they're like, you know, if you say you don't have it, I guess you don't have it until you die midair.

And then I'm like, I guess they did have it. It's wild. it's wild it's truly it's so wild here oh all i want is for people to wear a mask oh my why have you noticed this with masks where you see someone you've maybe never met before they're wearing a mask later you see them without it on and you completely misjudge what the bottom of half their face look like. Yes, absolutely. I did a shoot where I really just like was butting heads with the director. And I was like, every time he had an argument about something, I was like, but he has kind eyes. And then he took down his mask and I was like, yikes. This is not a face of somebody I like.

Yeah, it was really jarring. I think I misjudge everyone's nose and mouth. Yeah, same. And I don't know what that is, but it is super jarring when the mask comes down. You're like, that's not what I thought. Oh, my. I wonder if that happens with me. I know. That's the. I wonder if that happens with me. I know.

That's the horrible flip side of it. Yeah, where a bunch of people are like, ew. I don't like her. Do you and your significant other watch the same television shows? What is TV watching like in quarantine with a significant other? That is interesting. My significant other has much more highbrow taste than I do. So it gets tricky because I'll watch stuff with him,

but then he won't watch my stuff. He'll be like, I cannot sit through this. Wait, what is the show that he cannot sit through that's the thing i don't even watch like full you know reality what is considered not highbrow tv like he couldn't sit through the queen's gambit oh i thought you were watching silly things the queen's gambit isn't that like about chess it's about chess but you thought it was very poorly made yeah I haven't seen the queen's gambit I can't really I also like is the queen another show that people like yes yeah I can't the crown Crown. And that's just about like the British royalty people. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I can't get into that. I feel like someone in my house watched The Queen's Gambit and I couldn't watch it. I just like trash. You like like reality franchises. Yes. I am watching The Real Housewives of Potomac right now. That's where I'm from. Oh, really? I'm not from Potomac, but I'm from the D.C., Maryland, Virginia area.

I did not know this. Okay. Have you seen any episodes of Potomac? No, I haven't. Dang. Should I? I mean, I think it's brilliant television. I like reality television because the editing is so beautiful the editing

is so funny and then these people do the silliest things and then they mash it all together and it's I just tee hee hee it's truly a treat like Potomac gets better as each season goes on and also I'm watching it backwards which makes zero sense and the nice man who lives with me is watching it with me and he at one point was like are you sure we can't just start back where we left off because we started we did one tune it like half of season two and then season five was out so we were like well let's just skip to season five so then we skipped to season five and then we're like oh my god this is so great now we have to go back and i was like what if we did season four and he was like okay and then he was like we just kept getting confused because

things had already happened but you like it was building up to this thing that already happened that we already saw it was it's it's truly very confusing and i'm really having a great time wait so what what are the husbands like what are their jobs for the potomac so karen's husband is the black bill gates ray i believe like is the president of like a tech company so he's got she's like the richest housewife. And Karen now has a perfume called La Dame. And you better believe I bought it. It was too expensive. And it's not. Describe the notes in three words.

Oh, wow. Okay. Overpowering. Very much for an older gal. Sticks with you. Lingers. Will not leave. It's not for me. Oh, like a friend you didn't ask for

very much like a friend you didn't ask for and never wanted um and then uh charise's husband was a basketball player but then they broke up and then charise left the show but now she's back in season three or four i don't know i think three um ashley darby uh she is married to an older man who's like i don't know 72 he keeps touching people's butts uh they just had a baby the baby really favors him which is like oh boy uh they had a restaurant called oz where they were serving australian food but nobody in potomac wanted it so then it closed um and then they like broke up but they're back together they're stronger than ever uh she's got a great song called loving coffee you gotta listen to it one of the lyrics is if love it no if your heart was a computer you you are my password or something. It is a perfect lyric.

And then at one point she's like, thank you for ZZ Top. And I don't know what that means. And then there's Giselle, who can't keep a man, who has three kids who don't really seem to like her very much. And then there's Robin. She's my favorite. She's dating Juan, her ex-hushusband he's an ex-basketball player this whole podcast is now me just telling you about potomac but uh it's good i'm genuinely

curious though i used to drive sometimes take the potomac exit when i was driving home from maryland just to admire the houses really oh they were the nicest mansions so it is true that these people have money and the houses are nice oh i like i want to have so much money. But not so much that like I become a bad lady. Oh, sure. Right. Like a good amount where I'm happy. Yeah.

And not an asshole. I think I just if I lived in a house that big, I think I'd be scared. Sometimes I do look at the inside of these homes and i'm like how do you live in here it feels like a museum did you ever see that documentary the queen of versailles loved it yes those people were so wild in a way where i was like why do you need this house yeah why do you need to build all of this shit? Why? But, you know.

And then the dogs were pooping everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Which is like, I feel like a rich person thing where they're like, I don't know, somebody will clean it up. It's like, oh. And then later they're like, why is it still here? Nobody cleaned up this poop.

Where's our maid? You don't have one. Oh. Okay. All right, Aparna, real quick. We have to take a break. Okay. And we're back. Okay, Aparparna I have a question what okay so when you who who messaged who on

tinder first you or your significant other oh that's I think he did and what did he say that captured your attention do you remember shoot? Shoot. Do I remember? I think it was like a attempt to be funny. I mean, I think it was funny, but it was like clearly an attempt to engage. It was like something funny about my profile. Okay. So maybe that's what I'll start doing. I'm trying to get some like little tips and tricks to put in my pocket to figure out how to fucking talk to these people.

But again, the bar was so low because it was like he tried to make a joke and that was in a sea of just haze. All right. So let's see. I guess I don't have to try that hard. No. Hmm. Would you say Hinge is the best one of the apps currently? Hinge is the one where I have the most luck.

Hinge is the one where I get asked out the most. I can depend on Hinge to have someone ask me out at least three times a year uh yeah tinder for whatever reason i just i don't the quality of people i feel like has gone down a bit oh and bumble i feel like it's just like a lot of white dudes who are like oh don't message me and i'm like i'm so sorry um and then i was on this one i'm still i think i'm still paying for it i have to figure out how to like get out of it but it's called woo plus and all of the messages that people have sent me are uh hello or happy new year cutie this one person he started on december 23rd and he said uh hello nicole i need more of this i want to talk to you let's talk real talk and i didn't answer and that was december 23rd and then then December 26th, Merry Christmas, Nicole.

This is the day after Christmas, sir. And then January 30th, he said, Happy New Year, cutie. So, yeah, I'll never understand a person who continues to message after you haven't. What is he feeding off of? I don't know. I guess just the non-response. He loves it. I don't know. I guess just the non-response. He loves it. Sometimes I think of those men, like they're watering plants.

Like every day they check their apps and they're like, I just got to give it a little more water. That really got me. That's so funny. Maybe that's what it is. They're just like a little bit more water. This will blossom she's done a lot of me but this person i don't even think he wants me because so there's like prompts that you can answer and his first uh you know prompt that he answered was i'd love if my partner and his answer is is naturally sexy doesn't wear weaves, wigs, or extensions, likes to kiss and can cook. All of my pictures have different hair because I have wigs and weaves and extensions.

And then his other prompt is, I'm not okay if my partner is a drug addict or emotionally immature, petty or selfish, doesn't believe in climate change. These are all over the place. Let's see. Things I will never do. Abuse.

Lie. Accept less than I want or deserve. Compromise my integrity. That's pretty heavy. And then these days I'm obsessed with health. Finding real love that fits living better with less junk okay okay he really answered so many of these okay on my first date i like to hold hands make constant eye contact no no no imagine just having like this person is just staring at you and you're like i don't know

what's happening uh so then he said have a a good deep belly laugh and talk with a real person in reals and all caps yeah he's written a lot so okay i'm gonna read this one to you so in more stories about me so this is like more about him uh hbcu educated lovely military vet great former male exotic dancer slash escort i seek a positive loving monogamousosexual relationship. I will not share you perfectly with a sexy, sassy, very classy, but down to earth sister. One who has her shit together and is not trying to find herself, not being afraid to build her love unconditionally. A believer in God and his word. One who sees me as her helpmate friend and one and only lover not a competitor

or challenger finally a queen not a princess seeking her king i have your crown i am boaz that's that's your response yeah hi who's Boaz? That's your response. Hi, who's Boaz? I feel like if you're writing a character for a script, you'd be like, this is too many things. This is not a believable person. Yeah, this person can't exist in the world. I feel like that's a lot of dating sites. People you meet from the internet

you're like oh my god you're not real how are you real well it's also interesting on the internet you can portray yourself a particular way and people still choose to ignore that and they're like no I'm just gonna put it all on the page yeah yeah you could just act like you're a boring normal normal person and then some people are like no i know i choose i'm putting it all out there all of my thoughts i am boaz who's who's boaz well there's that's him. And then the other end is the guy who puts like one word for every question. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I just I know there's somebody out

there for me. I'm just like, oh, boy. Is it now? Will it be when I'm 90 years old on my deathbed? And I like meet like my nurse comes in and I'm like, what? Oh, I love you. And he's like, I love you, too. and I'm like what oh I love you and he's like I love you too and I'm like okay and then I flatline I hope that's not the case no that's not the case I hate also giving

advice to single people because it feels like everything you say when you're in a relationship is annoying well I want some advice. Give me some advice. Because when I was single, I felt like what people told me, I was just like, they were like, meet through friends. And I was like, I don't, I can't. I have asked several friends to be like, does your, do you have any single friends or does your man have any single friends and they're like no no not really all of his friends who are single are single for a reason and i'm like okay do you say that about me i know or do you get the thing where people

are like oh this guy would i know would be perfect for you and then you meet them and you're like oh what made you think that yeah i once had a friend be like i have a guy who i think you're gonna love and then he she showed me a picture of him and i was like i don't think you think highly of me um i don't and i didn't know how to like nice like be nice when i was rejecting this person but i think i said something like you know i think i'm not really in the market i think i need to take some more me time and they're like okay well let me know when you're ready and i was like okay i never will like this person was not to be like, you know, superficial and shallow, but like off the bat, I was like, not for me. No, thank you.

Well, a friend of mine who's on all the dating apps right now straight up said the other day, she was just like, all the guys have messaged me. I'm out of their league. And I was like, oh, that's a nice way of putting it. Yeah. I feel like that happens a lot where I'm like yeah okay just because i'm a fat lady don't mean any old person will do i think i'm a catch and i deserve someone who's great i also wonder are people reading profiles it feels like a lot of people they just see the photos they're like hello yeah i don't know if people actually read profiles um i tend to look through

pictures and then after i match with someone then i will read their profile oh which maybe that's important i guess i don't know i i also like don't i'm not like you know beholden to a picture i'll go on a date with someone where i'm like i don't know if your picture was cute or i don't i'm not like you know beholden to a picture i'll go on a date with someone where i'm like i don't know if your picture was cute or i don't really know but i'm gonna like give it a chance and nine times out of ten people are better looking in person or look exactly like their picture and you're like okay uh yeah there was right there was nothing here i don't know about this i always find it weird when i'm like oh i like their picture and then i see them in person i'm like you're different than what i thought your

face was like in 2ds yeah i went on a date with a guy this was a while ago this was like maybe three or four years ago and i thought he was so hot in his pictures i was like yes queen you did it you caught a hottie so then i went out with him and i was like huh you're like you look almost identical to your picture you're just not as attractive as i thought your picture was yeah what is that that really blows my mind i don't know i wonder if that's a phenomenon i think it is i think you should coin what that is called okay that's called non-picturitis where you look like your picture but not really i'm so sorry sir you have non-futurized oh no uh is it is it is it a death sentence no no it's purely just uh

what was i gonna say no what's the word i'm looking for i don't know a partner ever since we went inside I can't think of words. Oh, that's been happening to me steadily. Superficial. Oh, yes. It's hard. I don't know words anymore. I'm like, I used to say a bunch more. I know.

Now when I'm talking to people, it will take me easily a minute to think of a simple word. Yeah. It took me that long to think of superficial. Okay. What's the first thing you're going to do after COVID's done? I miss just eating in restaurants. Same. Yeah.

Yeah. I miss going to a restaurant, having everything brought to me, and then not having to fucking do dishes. Oh, God. I'm going to break all my dishes as soon as it's like a partner are you okay yes i just don't want these dishes anymore it really feels like we like one hand has been on a phone and the other hand has been washing a dish non-stop for all of 2020 yeah it's not fun i don't know anymore i everything is uh everything feels wild i know it does feel like america in terms of like world reputation we're just we've fully hit rock bottom yeah i feel like we're that cousin we're like oh my god i hope she doesn't come to the reunion she's like really fucking messy and she just like lies to everybody and like she starts fights and like it's so embarrassing it's so embarrassing that people stormed the

capital it's like embarrassing and then also i was like talking to a couple people who were like, I can't believe this is happening. And I was like, you can't believe this is happening. I was like, where have you been the last four years? Where have you been this summer? This is like pretty on game for things to happen. that's that was so weird about when it was happening i was like of course this is happening i mean it's still upsetting to watch but how did none of us think this would not happen yeah and then naomi acparigan she she made these like instagram stories that really made me laugh where she was like somebody fulfilled these orders that say on their shirts that say civil war january 6th so how can everyone all collectively together say we didn't know this was gonna happen t public whoever filled these orders and that made me laugh so hard because i was like yeah they're all wearing t-shirts with the date and nobody knew and now the fbi is like help us out. I'm like, but you what?

Apparently they were like making plans on social media openly for weeks. Yeah. They were like, if you don't want to take the plane because they're not going to let you bring your big hunting knives, I'll pick you up on Interstate 70. Wait, really? Yes. This is nuts i just i it is so funny that like like on instagram there's this like um it's like a very black positive instagram account i can't remember the name of it and it keeps getting taken down but like these people white supremacists get to go uh we're gonna storm the capital and bring my big hunting

knives and all my guns i can't get on a plane who gonna pick me up i'm like i'll pick you up it's like what it's so wild that like i don't know i guess we all live in it there's many different americas that we all live in would you ever leave you think i think about it a lot, but I don't think so. Like, I just, it just, it feels really wild to be like, I'm going to flee my home? Am I now a refugee from America? And I'm begging someone to, like, take me in? I just, well, right now, I don't think we can really go anywhere

that's doing well, one. Two, yeah, I just, like, right now, I don't think we can really go anywhere that's doing well. One. Two. Yeah, I just, like, I don't know. I don't want to, like, leave my house. Yeah, I just know people who are fully preparing for Handmaid's Tale. They're like, unlink your Venmo from your bank account. Link it to your card so they can't take your money if the government cancels all

women's bank accounts wait what what wait what okay i see none of handmaiden's tale maybe i should be watching it but that was the beginning of handmaid's tale that's how they like started to suppress women they froze all their bank accounts through their through online so i guess venmo would be a fast way to do that if your Venmo is linked to your bank account. Oh my God. So wait, where do I keep my money if not the bank? I think you can keep it in the bank, but just don't.

I don't know. But just don't link it to Venmo? Oh my God. Wait, do you watch Handmaiden's Tale? I watched two seasons. I just, it seems too bleak. It is way too bleak. And like the whole premise is like, America specifically is like, we hate women more than you think.

And then we're going to like, who decides to suppress the women's voices? But like who decides to suppress the women's voices? I think it's kind of like what is happening now where the far right gradually gains power until they are fully in power. Oh, okay. Oh, boy. I just that seems really awful. And then I love that you asked for dating advice. And I'm like, this is how you get the government to not take your money. Wait, I have more Handmaid's Tale questions.

So then all the ladies in America are like, they have to wear those little hoods. Yeah. And then they all live together? I'm like, oh. Well, the fertile ones are handmaids. The ones who are too old to have babies become maids and they are sort of run the household but yeah they're all basically kind of subservient boy i oftentimes think about what i would be like in a post-apocalyptic society or like one of those that i think they'd kill me

i think they'd be like, God, she's annoying. We, she can't be here anymore. We have to do something about this. She talks too dang much. That's what I feel. Whenever my friends talk about like what they would do if there was an apocalypse, I'm like, I think I'm just meant to go in the first wave. I feel like I'd be like that,

but somehow would survive. And then I'd be like, I'm so tired. I don't want to fight the zombies anymore. Or like the far right. I don't want to do this. It's too much work. And that's not what I'm about.

I'm about like easy breezy, beautiful life is simple girl. But I also feel like the people who would be in that last group that survives definitely a lot of annoying personalities oh yeah just like a lot of like my way or the highway and it's like oh my god chill the fuck out like we're all here so it's not your way or the highway many different ways got us here like all the people on survivor that you're like oh i hate this guy yeah i've never seen survivor but like i get the sentiment nicole i haven't either i just there's like a i don't know there's a thing about survivor i'm like i'm not fucking interested would you watch naked and afraid that's like survivor though except people

are naked it's only two people it's just a man and a woman in the wilderness trying to survive and they're all they all start out naked with one tool each. That seems insane. It is insane. I don't... I'll never understand people who want to fucking do that. I'm like, I love being inside. I love having my clothes. I love not having to hunt for my food.

I know. I don't know what it's about. I'm assuming it's what a lot of reality television is about, which is trauma. Yeah, that truly does seem like that's reality. Like, let's mine your trauma. Let's replay fights over and over and over again or whatever. Oh boy. Aparna, I have a question. Yeah. What dating advice can you give me for here and now? Like one, just one little piece of advice that you think will help me in this year of 2021? I think you shouldn't worry about what, like what future you have with the person,

but if you're just enjoying them in the here and now for whatever reason whether it's good conversations you like their eyes just let the little candle flicker honestly i think that might be the best piece of advice anyone has ever given me no no i really do to like just stay in the present and enjoy. Oh my God. This is what my therapist has been saying, but I just never understood. Oh my God. Are you having an epiphany? Yes, because she had been saying she was like, it's okay to mourn a relationship, however

long or short it's been. It's just like you enjoyed it for that time. And it's okay to be sad. And I like get that part. But I never understood the like. You enjoyed it for a certain amount of time. And it's okay to just enjoy being in the present. And not being like. Well okay.

So like what's next for us? So this. Yeah Parna. I think I just had an epiphany. I think that's just how I've always felt about relationships where I'm like, I don't think, I think it's okay if we're not together for the rest of our lives. See, I'm the opposite. I'm like, great, I've met you and now we will be together for the rest of our lives.

You will be my husband. We will not have children. I will meet your family. And it's like, no, sometimes a meet your family. And it's like, no, sometimes a relationship is a month and it's like, okay, for that month we had nice conversations. It felt fun to have butterflies in my, in my stomach, but like, okay, let's move on. It's okay that it was that time. Yes. This is great. Wow. Okay. Okay. Well, we've come to the end, and I ask all of my guests this, except for two. I think I've missed two. But would you date me?

Nicole, you know I would date you in a heartbeat. I would be so intimidated, though, because I'm like, she's so cool, and she's so, you know, she just has it going on, and i don't know if i can keep up oh aparna thank you i sometimes think i'm cool and then other times i'm like i'm not cool i think i just do whatever i want and that seems cool like there was this um i think she was like 14 but she wrote into best friends my podcast was this year and she like, I tried to start a skate gang, but all my friends said it was stupid. And I was like, Oh no, I hate to tell you,

but I'm not cool. Like I'm a 35, six year old, eight, I don't know, 42 year old lady with a skate gang. That's not necessarily cool to like a 14 or 15 year old to be like, let's roller skate around.

I was like, you have to just like find like-minded people, but i'm not cool don't follow me all right a parna do you have anything you want to promote i think this will still be relevant when this comes out but there's a show the great north on fox that's yes airing in january but um who else was on it i do say sloan is on it as well a lot of fun people nick offer essentially that's fun i like that uh so watch the great north and if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me? You can like, you can rate it, you can subscribe. And if you leave me something nasty hitting on me on, say, iTunes, or if you DM me, you can... Oh, wait, yeah, if you write it to me, I will read it.

That's what I'm trying to say. Okay, so this person didn't write me something nasty, but on Twitter I had tweeted that I really wish people would wear their masks so i could fuck in 2021 and then a bunch of people retweeted it and then a nice man said uh wtf is nicole and why do so many people care if she fucks and that made me laugh so hard and then i like retweeted it and i told him that I was just a horny lady who wanted people to wear masks so I can have sex again and he was like oh okay and then I was like join my cause he was like well I've already been wearing a mask because my work did it and I was like okay then we're friends so now I'm friends with this person so it wasn't something nasty but it's me trying to

make people more aware and please wear a mask so I can fuck in 2021. Please, for the love of God. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick.

It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha.

This has been a team coco production