Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Bad Hookups (w/ Dan Lippert)

Episode Date: December 8, 2017

Dan Lippert (UCB Comedy, Comedy Bang Bang) joins us to talk about Nicole's abandonment issues, the time she blew him in a bathroom, and Nicole shares the time she slept with a guy with a literal BROKEN dick. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Hi, I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where we explore why I seem to be undateable. I don't understand why I'm undateable because I'm cute, I'm funny, I got a fat ass, and I love giving blowjobs. I have a guest here today. He's very funny.

I met him when I moved to LA. We do improv together. We've done podcasts together. Dan Lipper! Yeah! Dan! How are you, Dan? I'm great.

How are you? I am good, despite being soul-crushingly and painfully lonely. I'm sorry. In my dating life. Are you on Tinder or Bumble? I'm not. You're not? No.

But you were in a relationship. I was in a relationship until like eight months ago. That's what you thought, but no. What did she do again? She was a resident director at Cal State University, so she worked with the students. I don't know why I thought she was a scientist. I don't either. I think you met her at New Year's.

It used to be New Year's. And I don't know where from there. She might have just said it to you. She was like, I'm a rocket scientist. I was like, Dan, that's what she said. How long did you guys date? Just over two years. Oh, dang.

That's a long time. Are you sad? I'm very sad. I, uh, I was essentially the one that ended the relationship and it was like a long-term compatibility issue, but it was still a very sad thing. It was still someone I was in love with. It just. Okay.

Then we don't have to talk about that. The podcast is about me. Yeah, we can. Well, what do you mean long-term compatibility? I had, I mean, I do it, this will get more about me. But like, I was realizing like a place that I put myself a lot in relationships is like not very open and vulnerable and just like being there for somebody else. And we had like set up that as a pattern and I felt like I wasn't being my full self. And when I like confronted that, I realized like it was going to be hard to change in

that relationship. Because it had already been like two years. It's like how do you change the way you're presenting yourself? Yeah. So what do you mean you weren't being your real self? I don't understand that. I talked about that with Will. I'm pretty much what you see is what you get.

You're not going to date me and then be like, oh, she's got so many levels and secrets. Yeah. I think a thing that happens with me and a lot of other comedy guys I know is you put yourself – it hard to like be vulnerable anywhere other than like on stage and in podcasts like and that was a thing I told her about I was like it's weird to me that I feel like like more myself and like sometimes I worry about my family or like her listening to me on a podcast and I was like that was weird to me because that felt more like the

real me and like I haven't been giving that version of myself to you because i've been like protecting that version of myself because when it's not a performance it's just very open and hard interesting uh and so uh i i've been trying to be that full version all the time with the people i care about you are the full version of you with your friends? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And just not with a woman? Yes.

Why do you think that? I think because it's like I don't have any fear of being me and my friends is usually fully, like, comedy and shared interests and, like, a vibe when we're hanging out. And when you're, like, trying to date somebody, I think you're, like, looking through a bunch of different prisms and not. It's like, well, if I make this kind of joke, is she going to think I'm a weird idiot? Like, so I'm trying to be if I make this kind of joke, is she going to think I'm a weird idiot? So I'm trying to be like your kind of funny. Have you ever performed for an audience? Oh, absolutely. We're like, you don't like it dirty.

Do you like silly? Oh, no, you like smart humor. Yeah. And you just cycle through things. And none of it is you, so you bomb because you're trying to do someone else's thing. I once was dating this guy, and I had made a 9-11 joke over text. And then he didn't answer me for six hours. And I was like, that's it.

We're done. He didn't like that 9-11 joke. He hasn't forgotten. And he was just napping. He hasn't forgotten. Well, that's a long nap. That's what you got to bring over. He took a six-hour nap.

Well, he broke up with me. He said I liked him too much. but I didn't even like him. Wow. I was settling for him. I was like. And he saw it as you liking him too much. I guess because I would like, I don't know. When I decide I want to date someone, like I'm very, I pursue them very hard.

And then I like make a choice that is like, I like you. And if I don't like you right now, I can grow to like you, which is a terrible thing. Yes, I've had that. I don't know why I do it. Because it's hard to be alone. I think it's hard to be alone. And also, I think when you haven't had a really good connection or relationship with somebody, you don't know what it's supposed to look like. And just the fact that someone likes you, you think is enough.

Yes, I do think it's enough when someone, because I had this on and off again thing for like three years where I still don't know if he liked me. Yeah. It was very, he would be like, he said he loved me, but I was like, I don't. Your actions don't show that. Like you're being crazy half the time. And I didn't enjoy being with him. And I would like be myself. But like in a way where I was like, am I actually being myself? Because if I was to be myself, I'd be like, hey, everything you said in the last two minutes, I don't give a fuck about.

And you're acting crazy. Right. And I was like, you can't do that. That's rude there's probably a middle ground though where you do that version of yourself and people like know when you're coming from a real place or a mean place or like that's what you want is someone that like so hard to like I guess you always have to adjust yourself for a relationship yes I think probably early on but the ideal the people i felt closest to are the ones who like i see their full self and like even the things that are flaws like i

will like them because of those flaws like you have to like be more okay with their flaws than than not okay maybe like whatever those things are i also always feel more flawed than other people do you yeah because i don't i don't really think rules are rules like okay the rules of the road to me they're merely suggestions you don't have to stop at every stop sign if there's nobody there why are we stopping uh and then i like got into a fight with this one guy over seats at the arc light i was like if there's nobody here we don't have to sit in our assigned seats and he was like but what if somebody comes right and i was like and they'll sit in another seat and he's like that starts a chain reaction i was like not if the movie started

i got into this argument the other night about leaning your chair back on a plane. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, you're very tall. And I say don't lean your chair back. Yes, I agree. I'm not super tall, but I don't. Why do you need to lean your chair back?

You know that to make yourself comfortable, you're hurting somebody else. Yes. And then when you lean back and then someone leans back on you, how the fuck do you get up? You're just like leaning, trying to get up, and it's very hard. I then when you lean back and then someone leans back on you, how the fuck do you get up? You're just like leaning, trying to get up. And it's very hard. I agree with you. Don't lean back. Because you're just making the seats smaller.

Yeah. But you don't mind that for a theater because you're not actually hurting anybody necessarily. They'll find another seat. Yes. But we got into a full-blown argument about it. And I was like, can you not be dumb about this? How do you argue? Do you argue well?

Um, or do you get like really personal or take stuff personally? I don't take stuff super personally, but I feel like other people do. Yeah. Like, uh, I've gotten into arguments with people and then they'll be like,

well, I've done X, Y, and Z. And I was like, okay, that's not, we're not arguing about that right now.

I think I, I send a tape stay pretty level-headed but i can hurt your feelings very quickly uh-huh i'm i can get very mean yeah i imagine you're the you can know what someone is self-conscious about and you can know how to push that truly just extrapolate it and then serve it to you on a platter and have you cry. I once made my seventh grade teacher cry. Let's look at my Tinder profile. Okay, so this is my Tinder profile. I want you to go through the pictures and read the profile. Tell me what's right and what's wrong about it.

Oh, also, if you're listening at home and you want to see a visual of what my profile on Tinder and Bumble looks like, you can go to Facebook.com and you can go to my fan page, Nicole Byer Comedy, and you can click on the album that says Tinder slash Bumble and you can see them there. And then you can say, Nicole, that's a crazy picture. Or, Nicole, I like that picture. And it'll be wonderful and amazing.

Okay, so your picture is you holding a big dildo. Very big dildo. Very big dildo. It's a really cute picture. Thank you. Okay, all right. It's a good picture, good hair. Okay. You look great.

Okay. Because I'll tell you something. All of my female friends have been like, that's a bad picture. Well, then there's the huge dildo. So here's the thing. What's the goal with the photo, right? Because if someone didn't know who Nicole Byer was and asked me, I could show them this picture and I think I'd get the idea across pretty well. Yeah, I think the reason why I like the picture so much is because I feel like it sums me up in a nutshell. Yeah.

I like to look pretty. I love hair. And I love dicks. And I'm silly. And there's a lot of color in the picture. You do nail all those things. So what I wonder is how much of this profile, of a profile is supposed to be the bait where someone doesn't know they're going to be biting into a hook? Because right now you're showing them everything.

You're like, this is me. I hold a big dildo. I'm giving no opportunity for someone who might be a maybe to say yes, right? I'm making you make a hard decision right away. Yes, I want you to make a hard choice. And if that's your goal, this is a good photo. You're into it or you're not into it. Yes.

That's it. Because I don't want anyone to just be like, oh, I guess I like what I see. Oh, hi. Yes. I want you to like, I want like a hard yes. I think the other thing, though, is in this era, maybe not because it doesn't have your full name, but I'm thinking like, so after a first date or like if you're texting for a while, someone will Google you. Yes. And they'll get your full persona.

How though? So I thought about it. I was like, okay, so a black woman named Nicole. How would you figure out anything? How much do you text with people when you're on like Tinder or Bumble before you go on a date? I would say for like a day or two yeah i tried not to text for a very long time because i think texting people for a while creates false intimacy yes so i try to keep it very short let's go out i've had like relationships start over text

yeah i can go too far before we've even like i don't i don't know what your voice sounds yeah um i would say that let i think you want the profile to be, this is someone who doesn't use this at all, so I don't know. But you want the profile to be like a, I don't know, like a Monet. Like from a distance, it's like, okay, this looks great. I'm not going to let you see all the splotches yet. Okay. Like I'm going to give you a kind of broader version of me.

Broader strokes. And then texting, you'll learn a little more. And maybe they'll get, they'll find out you're a comedian. I never tell them. You don't tell them you're a comedian. Okay. Yeah. I don't tell people I do comedy because then they're like, if they don't do comedy, they're

like, tell me a joke. Right. I'm like, well, I get paid to tell jokes now and you're not paying me. And anyone that says that right away, you're out. Yeah. So your next picture is you by a Christmas tree. This is a good one. Thank you.

It's a far away picture, so I don't get a lot of like you, but I like the aesthetic. It's a good picture overall. But I'm humping the tree. Are you humping it? I can't tell that. Uh-huh. That was the goal of the picture. I can't tell you're humping.

Oh, man. Maybe that's just me, though. No, it's fine. I guess it just... This one's a great one. This is like a profile pic, the next one. It's you in front of a mirror, right? You've used this for a profile.

I feel like I've seen this picture before. Yeah. Or like a publicity photo or something. That's a great one. It's you. Is it in just a trailer or a room? Great outfit, great hair, great makeup, great necklace. You look good in this.

Okay. Um, this is you humping an empty bookshelf in what looks like a dorm wearing like a full dancers. And your face is like, Oh fuck, I'm doing this. Uh, uh,

uh, this is the next one's you with a very intense face and a heart. Uh, uh, kind of like a, like I'm ready to fuck face. I would say, Oh, Uh-huh. Uh-huh. This is, the next one's you with a very intense face and a heart. Uh-huh. Kind of like a, like, I'm ready to fuck face, I would say. Uh-huh, yup, yup. Oh, this is a great one with you. Is this your dog? Is this Charlie?

That's my dog, Clyde. That's Clyde. Okay. This is a good photo, too. So the photos are good? I think the photos are good. I think that, like, this is, like, the full, honest version of you, right? Okay, I think so.

And it's like, how much do you want to present that right away? I feel like I should put it all out there so you know what you're getting. So there's like no surprises. So you can't be like, oh, I guess she really loves dicks. It's like, you know she does. Okay, read my profile. I'd say this real quick. I would open with this picture.

Okay. And I would close with the dildo just as a button. Okay. So it's like the comedy. They're scrolling through and. And I would close with the dildo just as a button. Okay. So it's like the comedy. They're scrolling through, and then they hit you holding a huge dildo, and it's like, oh, that's funny. Okay. That's a good sense of humor. Oh, and that means they scrolled through all the pictures.

And they scrolled through to get to it. Okay. All right. And then the last one's like, okay, are you still with me? Okay. I think that's good. I think I'm going to do that. I got a fat ass, so if you're not into it, waving by emoji and then the woman putting her hand up to her hair emoji.

I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. DTF down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. All right, so that's all. That's your profile. Do you think that's good? Do you think it's bad? Is it all true? It's all like you might just be on here to fuck somebody?

I mean, I have. Sometimes you get so horny, you can't help it. Here's what I think. The majority of men I know probably are down to fuck either way. Okay. I don't think you need to say it in your profile, because then you get the sleazebags who arebags who are like oh great that's all i'm gonna get out of this i think like my big note is most guys want to fuck okay i so i don't think you need to put that out there right away because you're gonna get the gross guys first okay does that make sense it does make does that happen to you uh yeah like

do you get a lot of immediate dick pics? Well, you can't send a dick pic through Tinder, but I do get... Okay, so this man, Michael, messaged me. This is on the 30th. He said, I'd like to give you a little spanking. So I said, why? Did I steal too many cookies from the cookie jar? Then he said, mm-hmm, you've got a really spankable ass.

Also pretty eyes. You into kink at all? So I said, well, I am a little cookie thief. You got cookies. I'm a steal them. He said,

I got cookies for you. And I said, I hope not oatmeal. Then he said, we should get together sometime. No chocolate chip. And I said, well,

okay. I love chocolate chip cookies. Then he said, come steal my cookie so I can spank chip. And I said, well, okay, I love chocolate chip cookies. Then he said, come steal my cookie so I can spank you. I said, only if you have a good cookie jar. Because I was like, I'm not going to meet this man. No. And then I was like, also, I really want him to comment on the cookie thing. Yeah, all you want is him to play into the joke.

This is weird. Or be like, why are you so interested in cookies? So then he said, come find out. I have my own place in northeast la where the fuck is that no one's ever said northeast no i was like it's not echo park because you would just say that then he said i want to get behind that big beautiful ass i bet you look great nude i said i do look great nude i'll only come if you have more than chocolate chip cookies he said i have ginger snaps too and i He said, look, I'll get you whatever kind of cookies you want.

So then I said, wait, you're buying cookies? Gross. I hate Starbucks cookies. Shaking my damn head. Homemade cookies are full of warmth and love. Then he said, I'll bake them. And then he said, do you want to play? I said, I want to bake.

This guy is trying so hard. Like, so this guy is trying so hard. He's doing everything he can to just get like one sexual word out of you. And you won't give it to him. Nope. I just want cookies. And then I had this whole conversation with this guy, Andy. So we've had, we have a mutual friend in common and that's what he opened with.

And I was like, okay, cool. Great. The mutual friend we have in common is a dear friend of mine. And then we have just gone back and forth having the most uninspiring mundane conversation. Oh, that's a bummer. And he hasn't asked me out yet, but he's kept the conversation going. And then at this point I'm like, I shouldn't ask him out, right? Like, he messaged me first.

Yeah. So, like, I don't get it. What's that about? Why do men – you're not on apps, but, like, maybe you can answer this. Why do you think men speak to women or, like, approach women when they have no desire to follow through with anything? Are you texting them at any given time? Like is it whenever? It's not just like late at night or anything like that. No, not late at night.

Sometimes it's 3 p.m. Yeah. I think like there have been times for me where it's like kind of out of like pure, like it's someone I do like and am interested in, but like it's more out of like loneliness and needing my own attention. Ah. Like if I bit like especially right out of like loneliness and needing my own attention uh like if i'd bit like especially right out of a breakup or something like that at like i'll like text someone a bit um at like and if they keep texting me back i won't stop it and i will like even like lean

into it when i'm like at my loneliness. Ah, interesting. And maybe it is someone I'm interested in and just like, no, I'm not actually ready for. Like it's not someone I just want to have sex with. And it might be someone I want to date, but not right now. And so it's kind of just like to keep, to be like, hey, I'm still alive. Don't forget about me. Like I think like that's not my active thought process. No, but it's like a subconscious, like, keep ladies in your pocket for, like, just in case you want a little attention. Yes.

Or just in case you're, like, ready to date again. Do you ghost women? Not for, no, not for a while. Not for a while? I think there was a time where there were a couple people I ghosted because I did not know how to interact with women. Okay. And I didn't know how to live in a middle ground between dating and, like, hooking up. Okay.

And it was easier for me to just stop responding. And then I realized that that, like, is just a thing that hurts people's feelings and is very mean. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. a thing that hurts people's feelings and is very mean. Like this would have been like in my twenties when it like, I think I think you may or may not know about most men in comedy is they spend most of their lives thinking no woman wants to be with them. And then they get on a stage and then women are like, I would love to fuck you.

And it fucks with your head. And it's like, it's like, well, I don't even know if I want to have sex with you, but you're giving me attention and I don't want to turn that away because 16 year old me it's all he wanted and so you're like in this weird middle ground of like i i got it and then you get older and you learn how to like shut down urges if you know that they are uh like shut down urges it's

like yeah maybe i do want to have sex once with this person But I know that they're interested in me beyond that And I don't want to take advantage of that Or I have to be better at communicating What my expectation is earlier on Do you have chuckle fuckers in your life? That I actually like Have you ever like

Had a show and a girl been like Oh my god you're like so funny Can I like buy you a drink and then you like like, oh, my God, you're, like, so funny. Can I, like, buy you a drink? And then you, like, fuck them? No, no, no. Not, like, in that way. Like, the most that's ever happened is, like, someone has told me, like, has introduced themselves to me and been like, I think you're funny. And then, like, we've talked for two months and then finally, like, made out or something like that. But I have never, like, gone home with somebody the night after a show or anything like that.

I have never either. I don't. I have this feeling of like, there's something wrong with you if you wanted to have sex with me right away. Like, I don't buy it. And I think that like, it's not like, like, I'm, I am not that funny or that attractive in my mind. So it's like, you would have done this to anybody.

Jacked and leopard. I think funniness transcends attractiveness, I think. Yes. I think if a man is very funny, then you're like, all right, you can look like a little hobbit. Like, that's okay. It's fine. You're funny. I think I've learned that more and more is that there is a confidence and just a thing about having a sense of humor that women like that.

I mean, the most I'll get after a show is, especially stand-up, people will be like, I mean, you're funny for a girl. And I'm like, can't I just be funny for a human being? It's very, very, very annoying. Yeah. I can imagine. All you want is just a normal people really have to it's really hard to just give a normal compliment for some reason it is and everyone has to put like a disclaimer on it like on a validating thing on it it's like on harold knight like what you did it would always be like your group was funnier than the other group

and it's like just say we were funny why do you did, it would always be like, your group was funnier than the other group. And it's like, just say we were funny. Why do you have to hurt the other person? The other group was shit. You guys were really great. Yeah, I don't know why people do that. The only time I've ever really been hit on after a show is when I've hit on someone on stage. But people don't understand that when I'm on stage, I honestly can't see you. And I'm doing a bit. Oh, so you'll, doing stand-up while doing crowd work, you'll like be like, oh, I honestly can't see you, and I'm doing a bit.

Oh, so you'll, doing stand-up while doing crowd work, you'll be like, oh, I want to fuck this guy. So, I can't remember, I was in Columbus, and I don't know why it came up. Oh, I do a bit where I'm like, I'm looking for a boyfriend, whatever, I do this on stage because I'm looking for someone to finally raise their hand and say, I volunteer as tribute, whatever. And then there was this guy in the front and I was like, Oh, you're kind of cute.

I wish you would volunteer. And then he was like, I would. And I was like, Oh, would you? And then I like, just like very,

uh, forcefully hit on him. And then like the more laughs it got, the more I did it. Cause I was like, that's how bits work. Yeah. He doesn't see it as a comedy show.

He sees it as like a powerful woman hitting on him. This woman wants everything I'm starving. And it's like, but you're like literally sitting in the dark and I can't, I don't even know what you look like. So then after the show, he was hanging around and he was wearing a black button down, a black vest and a red tie. And I was like, do you work at TGI Fridays? Did you just come from work?

And then he was just like hanging in the shadows. Was his hair slicked back? No. No, he was a black guy so his hair was just on his head. Black people, I don't think we use gel very often. So I was taking pictures with a couple girls and then we made eye contact

and I was like, oh god, that's the man from the front. And then he was like, hey that's the man from the front and then he like was like hey where are you going after this and my friend mateo was opening for me i was like oh we're going to the cheesecake factory and he was like oh all right and i was like okay bye bye it was very awkward i sometimes men get a little too into me and i'm like oh uh this this this needs to stop is that the same reason that you're like why would you be this into me this quickly or is it what you the way they get into you the way they get into me it becomes like this like a weird pouncy thing that like it feels like it's like it's like you want to take over me i don't

know i can't really explain it no I went on a date with this guy. We were talking on Tinder. And so he messaged me. I messaged him back. And then I was like, actually, I just kind of want to fuck this dude. I think he'll be fine. And I was like, do you want to just fuck? And he was like, ooh, I guess.

No, actually, that's a little too soon. I'd rather go out. And I was like, oh, okay, whatever. And then he was like, do you want to have wine at my place or go to a bar? And I was like, wine at your place. And he was like, can we go to a bar? And I was like, all right, fine. We can do this.

And then I get there, and I was like, ooh, thank God we met in public. Because his nails were slightly too long, and that was a huge turnoff. I was like, if you finger finger me you will slice me the fuck up like that's not what i'm here for that's the first thing you jumped to no it makes sense when you see i was just like oh long fingernails on a guy that is gross but when you see a woman's mouth you don't go my dick's gonna look good inside i don't do that. Well, I guess we are different people. And then he was like a server at Red Robin and like wouldn't let me talk. And I was like, how do you think your life is this interesting?

How in the world? You work at Red Robin. And then at that point I was like, I'm not fucking this man. I also don't give a shit about him. And he was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I was like, great. Oh, and then at that point I just told him I was a comedian. Usually I don't give a shit about him and he is like i'm gonna go to the bathroom and i was like great oh and then at that point i just told him i was a comedian usually i don't tell people uh but then he was like yeah i have people who do comedy too a lot of improv friends and i was like oh yeah i don't think i know them i don't really like hang out with students or anything anymore like i just perform and he's like no but you probably see them around i was like honestly no i don't he like

kept insisting that i knew his friends and i was was like, no, no, you're fucking friends. And then he couldn't fathom that I made money doing comedy. He really couldn't wrap his mind around that. Because he was like, I'm trying to write for television. I think I'm almost there. And I was like, I mean, you're not. And I know it. I feel it just from your fucking vibe.

So he goes to the bathroom, comes back. And he's like, you want to get out of here? And I was like, Oh, uh, actually I have a very early flight in the morning and I did have a flight, but it was at noon. But I just was like,

I can't let those nasty little nails come near me. There's just so gross. Did you ever see an interview with a vampire? Uh, you probably don't remember their nails. I don't remember their nails. They're like weird white ovals. But I do imagine vampire nails looking like that.

That's like the Nosferatu nail. So yeah, I'd buy it. And then he was like, oh, all right. So you're going to go? And I was like, oh, this man is throwing a fit. So then I was like, I can save for a drink. And he's like, oh, fine. I was like, I'll pay for it.

And he's like, no, I'll do it. I was like, all right. Like turned into a five-year-old? Yes, he did because i wouldn't fuck him and then uh he like sat down we had a normal conversation then i was like uh it's time for me to go he's like all right and then he walked me outside and gave me the tightest hug i have ever had from a person i don't know and he whispered in my ear let me know when you're back and i was like okay and then i get in my car and

he also messaged me on tinder let me know when you're back and i was like cool story bro then i didn't message him for a while and then a week later he was like i know exactly who you are you're nicole byer i asked my comedy friends about you and i was like well now it's even weirder i think that a general note could be that you should never text someone I know exactly who you are. Yeah, because it was very disarming. I was like, oh, no. Yeah, I'd rather people just, I don't know, if you figure it out later, you could bring it up organically. Or I really like when men tell me in the beginning yeah like i've

seen i recognize you yeah i've heard you like a podcast or whatever i sat through a date a two hour date with this man who smelled like a dishrag who didn't tell me who knew who i was until the end and then i was like well it felt like you had a secret for two hours yeah and then we were supposed to have a second part of the date, and I faked a phone call. And it was not very well pretended, but I was like, I can't go. I have work to do. They need a script by 8 a.m. tomorrow, which is such a lie. Nobody ever needs a script by 8 a.m.

No one. Not a single person has ever been like, 8 a.m. scripts. I will be awake at 8 a.m. for sure and ready to read a script. I'll be right by my computer just waiting for my inbox to tick up one. Yeah, that ends after college. Yeah. But he asked me when I was free again, and I said Thanksgiving. And then he kept texting, and I was like, oh, wow.

If someone told me they weren't free until Thanksgiving and it's August, I'd be like, oh, you're not into me. That's too far away. You don't want it. But he texted for a while. Yeah. And then finally stopped. And I was like, oh, thank God. So you say you don't ghost people.

No. Not in any sort of way. I guess because essentially ghosting would be like you're texting, you're texting, and then all of a sudden you never respond. Yes. Yeah. I haven't done that in years. See, I think that's nice.

Although I do think if you go on one date, you can ghost somebody. You think so? I think up to three dates. Yeah. I think it's always nice to send a text. Okay. And up to three dates, that's a minimum. And maybe phone sometime after that is okay.

Do you talk to people? No, I don't generally. Okay. phone sometime after that is okay. Oh, you talk to people a lot? No, I don't generally. Okay. But I am really trying my best to be able to give people news I don't want to give them to their faces because it's not a skill that I have.

It's bad. It's hard. And so I'm really trying to get better at like, what's the worst case scenario? You know, all right, I hurt their feelings and they see it happen. I see it happen and it's a bummer, but they're not going to kill me. You know, I just really, I think it's got something to do with always wanting to be liked is you don't want to make someone feel bad. But I do think it's good to deliver bad news in person.

Yeah. But I one time had a girl break up with me over text. We had like maybe hung out five times and it was like so nice. What did she say? I had texted her a couple times and she was kind of like falling off you know and then it uh got then she sent me a long one that was like hey like she lived an hour away and she was like hey i think the distance is too far and like it's not super working and so uh like i think uh we'll just have to go our separate ways or whatever i love that i was like in my car at like sunset junction and i read it and i was like

hell yeah okay great like i'm sure it would have hurt a lot more if i was like in my car at like sunset junction and I read it and I was like, hell yeah. Okay, great. Like, I'm sure it would have hurt a lot more if I was like really like feeling her, you know, like into it. But I was kind of in the same place. And so it was just like, I was like,

this doesn't need to be a phone call where we'd then we have to be like, okay, well, well, great to know you. Best of luck. I hate when people say best of luck. Yes.

Like I don't need your luck. I'm doing fine. I was doing fine before you all do fine. Like, I don't need your luck. I'm doing fine. I was doing fine before you. I'll do fine after you. I don't need it. You can tell by the intensity of the way I'm saying this. Can I make an observation? Yes.

It's really interesting because you are, in one way, like, way more willing than me to be vulnerable. You go on a lot of dates. You set yourself up for a lot of dates. It's awful. You, like, really, you try to meet people and find somebody. I can't do that. First dates are horrifying to me. I don't want to do them.

They're the worst. But on the other end of that, you're not fully willing to give up yourself on those dates. You won't tell them you're a comedian. I bet you're pretty on, I'd imagine, or you're putting on some sort of front, whatever it is, to not give up, like, the full version of yourself. Well, I try to not be super funny. Yeah. That sounds so dumb. Well, I try not to do bits.

Yeah. With people, especially if they're not, because these people I meet on Tinder aren't comedians. So I try not to do, like, a bit because people don't understand sarcasm sometimes. And they'll be like, wait, what? I do that too sometimes. But I usually tell if someone's joking. It happened to me a few days ago where we had a waitress and we were halfway through this bit. It was a hot day. And we were talking about how we wanted a really hot soup.

And it became very clear that she did not know we were joking and she was like so no soup that's very funny yeah i don't do bits like that because like they'll be like oh this girl wants soup and also i'm fat so if i did a bit about wanting soup you can eat it it's fine i know you eat just be like very awkward. So I try not to be as funny. Yeah. But I try to be like honest. Sometimes I'll like slip and be like, oh, I'm coming from a show.

And they'll be like, what show? And I'm like, a show where performances happen. I don't know. I just, I feel like that puts a weird pressure on it to be like. To be funny right away or. Because then they feel weird when they're like, oh, I have no idea who you are. And it's like, oh, that's fine. You don't have to know who every comedian in the world is.

It's fine. Yeah. Okay, Dan, let's take a break. And when we come back, we'll talk about our hookup story. Okay, Dan Lippert, we have hooked up. Uh-huh. And do you remember the night? I do, yeah.

It was at UCB Franklin. Uh-huh. Were we drinking after a show? Yes. And I got very drunk and I said, Dan Lippert, can I suck your dick in the bathroom? And you said, okay. But there were a few asks before I said yes. Oh, was there?

Yeah. Oh, no. I'm very persistent until I get what I want. And for whatever reason, I wanted to suck your dick. Yeah, it was very disarming. Because it was not like we were in a cocktail party and you took me aside. It was a small room full of people. That we all knew.

And you kept leaning over and asking it in a stage whisper, like not a real whisper, like a Nicole whisper. Excuse me. Can I suck your dick? I'm relatively open about sex in general, but I'm uncomfortable in the moment around people i know i don't like like what like kissing a girlfriend in front of friends like stuff like that like is very jarring to me so just that made me uncomfortable in the moment uh but you uh i

said yes and then i blew in that bathroom and then I distinctly remember spitting your cum in the sink. And you went, wow. I don't remember that. I do. Ooh-wee, baby. I don't remember that. So why didn't you date me? Why didn't I date you?

That's a good question that I haven't thought about super hard coming into this. Well, I didn't tell you anything about, right? I didn't give you any information about this podcast. No, no. But I had a feeling when it was like, this is not about, you were like, do you want to know what it is? I had a feeling it would be like something about works. Okay, great. Also, am I good at sucking dick?

Yeah. Yay! What a dream! Okay, why won't you date me? I had no... We had no general history that showed me that we should date anyway. We had hung out once after we auditioned for mod teams together. Or I auditioned with Millheiser.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were right after us, and we all got wine afterwards. And you guys were pretty new to LA, and we all got wine afterwards. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you guys were pretty new to LA, and we all hung out, and it was fun. But otherwise, we had no context for each other.

And I got the impression from that night that that wasn't a thing that was like, this is someone, you being like, I want to date you. It was just kind of like, I had heard you describe in the past that you were attracted to doughy bearded guys. And so I was i was like well i was the doughiest beardedest guy in the room

and you locked in and i was like that's what i want he's got a beard and i want his dick in my mouth yeah yeah i mean uh and and i realized that like i was like this in the sense of like not being good at saying no to somebody up front but also not wanting to like uh lead anyone on because afterwards you were like come home with me oh yes i do and i was like this that one way you could look at it is i like a guy got it was like i got mine i'm not coming home with you. But my angle was like, I think that would be like fulfilling a promise that like I wasn't ready to fulfill of like, I'm going to come and I'm going to be in your bed. And like, that's much more intimate to me. I think I think that was very respectful of you.

I think it was like, I was real drunk, so I think if you had come home with me, I probably would have been like, oh, is this now a thing? Yes. And it's like, well, no, you're very drunk. And truly, yeah, we had no history together before until I was like, give it to me.

I'm a... I regretted that I never talked to you after about it. Like, I felt like that... But how would you have brought that up? Right, like, it's a weird text to send. It's so weird to be like, hey, Nicole, you blew me. Like, I don't know what you would have said. Yeah, what...

Other than probably like, hey, that was fun, let's do it again, or something like that. Yes. What would be your ideal text to receive from someone that, like, didn't want to date you after that happened? Let's see, okay. I guess if you had texted, hey, that was fun, it's not going to happen again. No, that was so mean. That was fun. I feel like we were both drunk.

Yeah. Like, I don't want to lead you on and have you expect that might happen again yeah or is it because that almost feels like a rejection to an offer that was never put out there

yes so maybe what happened was what should have happened where we just never talked about it yeah and it's not like I think I was like come home with me

because I was like great I got it and I'll... And it's not like... I think I was like, come home with me, because I was like, great, I got it, and I'll get fucked now. Right. But by no means was I like, damn, Lippert's now my new boyfriend. So maybe a good text would have been, hey, that was wild. Still buddies? No.

Still buddies. All of them, I think, are very weird and are very weird there's not a perfect one no um and there's probably a best one but maybe not a perfect one of what i've said to people i think i'm working on too and like and just i think like the way men are trained is that women always want to immediately be dating and have a boyfriend and are the vulnerable one. And you have to take care of those feelings. And like a thing that I'm constantly working on is the idea of like we are both equal partners in this whole thing. I don't have to take care of you and make you feel better about the thing that happened and assume you want to marry me just because of that.

Which is good. It's good to not be like, oh, no, now she wants to marry me. But I think most guys immediately have that fear. They're already imagining you falling in love and them being a typical man or whatever. And so instead of dealing with it in any sort of real way and talking about it, I think they like have weird reactions. Just throw up weird barriers about it. I think we should all be able to talk openly about feelings.

I don't know why people get so turned off talking about their feelings. Like if I'm dating somebody, i want to be like i like you and not have them be like oh great she likes me right if he doesn't like me back i want him to feel like he can go i like you too but honestly this is progressing just a little too fast and i be like oh okay then great like i know where you stand on this it's perfectly ideal it's like we can both say what we want and then like you're allowed to have your feelings hurt. Yeah. But I shouldn't have to decide whether or not that hurts your feelings before I ever say it.

And I feel like I spend a lot of time being like, well, what's he going to say if I say this? Yeah. And it's like, oh, God, that's exhausting. Yes. Why can't we just say what we feel? I agree with you wholeheartedly. I'm not gonna, I think that like, and then it's about, um, like, navigating that

when the thing someone says is not what you want to hear. Yeah, but that's gonna happen over and over and over in your life. You're gonna constantly hear things that you don't want to hear. Do you have a man that you've, like, dated or been with who is, like, the one you compare everyone else to now? Like, the one that got away or like the ideal i don't have like a one that got away because i've

never been in like a healthy relationship where like we were equals and both were in it to win i've only been in like long things with sociopaths where i'm like he's a crazy person and this is not good? So I'm, like, looking for someone to compare other people to. Well, like, the longest thing I had was with this, like, crazy person who were, like, now when I'm dating a dude, I'll be like, oh, that truly wasn't normal. What this person's doing is way more normal and this feels good. I'm learning that, like, I have to be comfortable with a man. Like I spent a lot of time being uncomfortable and then trying to like be myself but also trying to fit what he wanted. And it's like that's so hard.

I spent like a lot of time and energy doing that. So now I spend a lot of time and energy just being like, I'm me. Do you like it? Yeah. That's it. That's good. Yeah, man. It's tough. And I'm just getting older. Uh, yeah, I, that's the thing that like, I really have to turn off this part of my brain. Cause when women say it, I'm like, yeah, that doesn't seem like a big deal. And then it's like, well, that's because you're a guy. Like, uh, I have this weird context

for that. Cause my dad was 65 when he had me wow yeah my mom was 28 years younger so i have this thing of like i thought you were gonna say your mother was 28 no she was 39 it was still a big age difference um but so like my ideal my like i was like oh i might not start my family until i'm 60 like and so i'm just kind of like you know i'm waiting for the perfect person to come along in the meantime but i think like for women that that do you want kids uh i think i do yeah my brother just had a baby and i'm like oh this is great how old your brother uh 38 72 okay 38 so yeah he's 72 his wife is 16 and it's their fourth child babies are like fun and they're cute but i just can't imagine like waking up in the middle of the night and having like little eyes staring at me being

like mama yeah i peed in the bed i'd be like then like flip your mattress over i don't know change your sheets and do the laundry get dumb dumb there's a toilet in this house i just do you have siblings i have one you have one what's the age difference uh she's a year and a half older than me what's her dating life like she is i won't throw all her business oh yeah that's that might be rude she's single um and she is an introvert she's very very quiet. We are truly polar opposites. My mother used to say that she wished she could cut us in half and, like, make two little perfect people,

because she was like, you talk too much. You don't talk enough. Like, I really scarred her. She still, to this day, if someone asks the both of us a question, she'll, like, defer to me. And I'm like, you're 32. Answer yourself. Go ahead, Nicole. yourself scream the answer yep because that's what i always would do and then i just figured out so one of my legs is

longer than the other and i kind of i walk like a drunk person i kind of like wobble around and she used to always run into me and i'd be like katherine god can't you walk straight and then truly maybe four years ago she was like it's you you're the one who's been doing it and this has been going on since we were like i don't know sick for 20 something years you blamed her for your short life yeah it's you her little voice just like blew up one night uh-huh little voices she's like blew up one night uh-huh and so she is struggling with dating too so we we both have dead parents uh-huh so i think we have uh uh abandonment issues right so i think both of us invest in people too quickly because we're like you may go away so i need to latch on right now uh and that's a huge issue i have when i find something i'm like i don't know one thing works you don't check off everything on my list but one thing works i want this we get

along you might die so that those are my issues yeah i understand that i i think uh my mom is still alive and i was old enough when my dad died that it didn't feel like an abandonment situation when my dad died yeah this is 20 it was 2011 so that was six years ago so i've been 25 yeah but yeah it wasn't like an abandonment thing 25 is like pretty good i was 16 and then 21 which is could you that is so sad i'm sorry yeah especially like high school i'm dead oh god 21 you drink your mom dead. Oh, God. Oh, 21, you drink, your dad dead. But now you can legally. Rent a car.

Could you date a guy? How long could you date a guy without having sex? Jesus Christ. Honestly, maybe a month. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Because like.

And that would mean that I like you. Like, I like your face. I like what you're saying. I like everything about you. But, like, if I'm iffy on anything, two dates. Really? Yeah. If you're iffy, you'll have sex sooner.

Yeah. Yeah. Because then I can just be like, oh, all of it's bad. Goodbye. Yeah. Cause it's like, if it's iffy,

yeah, it's iffy and the dick is good. Then I'm like, oh, maybe I will stick around for a little bit. I don't know. Sex is pretty important to me. I like to fuck.

Is sex important to you? How long would you go without having sex? I don't know that I, I asked you an answer that I asked you a question that might be an impossible thing to answer. But, like, because you put out there that you're a very sex-forward person. Very sex-positive, sex-forward. I love dicks. Yeah. I love getting my pussy pounded.

That's what I love yeah uh and i everybody does i think uh some people don't i have some lady friends who are like sex is not important to me yeah and i think it's they have more estrogen or something i think sexual compatibility is important to me like i don't necessarily like need to have sex right away but like i'll know based on other compatibility with someone if we're going to be sexually compatible what do you mean sexually compatible you a freak you tie bitches up yeah the first uh before sex that's my first question i bake them cookies and i tie them up and i make them eat them uh no i don't know it's like a hard thing to explain but it's like, like the way I kiss works with the way you kiss. And like this thing I happen to like you also like happen to like, like, like, oh, I kind of pulled your hair and you were like immediately into it.

They're like, all right, that worked right away. And then you tie them up. And right away you tie them up. But like, it's just like you've had like the type of sex or I have, and I'm assuming most people have, that's like, oh, everything is a false start. Yes. They're like nothing is coming together correctly. And sometimes that'll happen the first time with anyone just because it's awkward. But like multiple times it's like it keeps being like, is this okay?

Oh, you hated that? And at a certain point, like there are people who it's like right away, it just works and it's fun and you're willing to forgive other parts of a relationship because that's working. The crazy man that I dated for a while, like the first time we had sex was like incredible. Everything worked, everything fit together. And I was like, Ooh wee, I'm in it to win it. And then he was like, but I'm crazy.

And I was like, okay, uh, I'll just like, we can sidestep that and then he was like but I'm crazy and I was like okay I'll just like we can sidestep that and he was like are you sure I'm gonna be crazier yeah but it's okay I'm gonna run stoplights okay it's fine I'm gonna yell at you on a regular basis it's fine that dick is great I will find the good in anyone if the sex is good yes because sex is weird like I've had so much weird sex you're like oh god that was so strange and like was it worth it i don't know it's odd and very personal uh it was slept with a man whose dick was broken it literally looked like someone

had punched it it was like uh it was broken no one can see what i'm doing with my arm you're you're like you're doing a come here motion with your arm like flicking your wrist towards you it was like truly as if his penis went up and like an l shape yes it was crazy looking and you can't go wow what is that oh man so i just was like i guess i try to have sex with this dick. And he didn't give you any like. No, there was no warning that his dick was insane to look at. It was like one of those duck screwdriver dicks. It was so crazy to look at. And then he never got fully hard, probably because his dick was broken.

And then he mushed it into a condom. And he was probably nervous about you being like. Mushed it all into a condom. It was like loose flesh in a balloon and then he was trying to like mash it in me and I was like

this is the worst day of my life I think you gotta say something if you're him I think if you're him you gotta at least

give a small hand be like my dick is broken yeah or like this isn't gonna be normal it's gonna be

what you expect let me talk you through it uh huh my dick is weird it's never gonna fully get hard. And I'm going to really try to mash it inside of you. Did his personality suggest that he was a guy with a broken dick?

No. He seemed very chill, very cool. We watched a movie at my house. And then he was like, do you want to? And any time a dude initiates, I'm like, OK, let's do it. But then I was like, what? What is this? It was wild.

I once slept with a man with a micro dick. Have you ever seen a micro dick in person? The only one I've seen is in Scary Movie. They show a picture of a baby dick, I think, or maybe Scary Movie, too. And so that's what I imagine every time someone talks about it. Yeah, man. It's like that. This dude had a fleshy acorn sitting on two silver dollar

pancakes. It was the smallest dick I'd ever seen in my life. And I was very drunk, so I was like, booty call, come over. And then I was like, how you coming to a dick appointment without a dick? And then he pulled down his pants and I gasped audibly and then was like, oh!

And then he was like, I know. And I was like, hmm, but what does he know? Yeah, he acted like, I know, it's great. Like that was his thing? then he was like i know and i was like but what does he know yeah did he acted like i know it's great like that was his thing i don't know i was confused he like really threw me for a loop was he really good at going down on you he was because that's it like that's the uh trade-off for him it's like okay i have to win them over another way and after he was done he's like can you suck it and i was like uh okay And it was like having a thimble in my mouth. And I was like, this is crazy. Like, how does this feel good?

It can't feel good. This is so weird. And he was like, no, I'm going to fuck you. And I was like, but with what? It was crazy. I already am self-conscious enough if like someone, sometimes a woman will like use her whole hand on mine and I won't like how small my dick was in their full hand.

Or like, but it's also bad if you're just using your thumb and forefinger, because it looks like it's like, this is all I need. That's so weird. And it's like, no, pretend you need two hands. At least act like you need both of them for me. That is so funny. I have never just used my thumb and pointer finger. That seems like it wouldn't do anything.

Yeah. It's not like they've made the okay sign and their other fingers were like straight up. But it's like, these are the only ones I need to really do any work with. And it's like, at least pretend the foot, like, you know. Yeah. Give the illusion that, I don't know. I enjoy, like, I don't like hand jobs. I think they're dumb. But I do, like, I'll jerk off as I'm't know. I enjoy, like, I don't like hand jobs. I think they're dumb.

But I do, like, I'll jerk off as I'm blowing somebody. Yeah. And I like doing it, so I don't have to pretend. But I feel like more women should pretend that they like what they're doing, even though they don't like blowjobs. Yeah. I've never had anyone that seemed like they hated it or that, like, seemed like it wasn't fun for them.

I hate this! Ugh, this is the worst. This is terrible. You specifically, too. I've enjoyed these in the past. Here's a question. Have you ever seen a pussy you don't like? Only in porn.

Oh. So you'll be watching a porn and be like, yuck, I've got to turn this one off. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Really? In person? You've never seen a pussy that you were like, yuck. I got to turn this one off. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Really? In person? You've never seen a pussy that you were like, yuck. I don't do it with that many women.

How many people have you slept with? I actually don't know the number off the top of my head, but I think it's like seven or eight. Wow. Okay. Mine is more. Yours is more. Not that much more.

Marcy asked me recently, and I told her, and she's like, oh, that's nothing. I thought you were going to say, like, 70. I was like, 70? That's so many people. You talk about it a lot. You talk about it every dang day. I thought you had one for every dang day of the week. Yeah, I think I'm at 31.

Okay. Which is a bit. That is more than seven or eight. That is more than seven or eight. It is more than seven or eight. You said yours is not much more. It's more than that. It is. Which I think you were trying to make me feel okay, so that's nice of you.

Well, no. Seven or eight is great. And you've been in long-term relationships. I've never been in a full committed relationship where there was love. Uh-huh. I wanted to let that sit for a second. I'm sorry about that. Nobody loves a second I'm sorry about that Nobody loves me

It's okay, it's fine, truly I've got lots of issues What was I going to say? Oh, I have a Not a Google doc, but I have a Word document Where I've recounted Everyone I've slept with It's pretty detailed

And I rate dicks. Wow. Ooh-wee! I got to see that. I started off doing it as like an exercise in just writing. I was like, I need to write more. Yeah. And I was like, well, I'll write every time this happens.

Wow. And I went through it and read it after Marcy asked, and our friend Marcy, she'll probably be on this later. And some of the stuff I wrote was wild or some of the situations were wild. There was one where I was like, I went home with this guy from the bar specifically because he did a bad Obama impression, but he enjoyed it so much. And then the ending to that was not good. We were wasted. And he lived across the street from this bar in New York on 107th and Broadway.

And he's like, I was on top of him. him and then he was like i want to get on top and i was like all right he gets on top of me then he was like you gotta move you have to go you have to move and i was like what is happening so i get off his bed and he starts power puking into his bed and i was like oh had it been a second later that man would have been power puking into my fucking face. And then I couldn't find my bra. And then he was like, get out. So he was truly, if you were going to ask me what's the opposite of sex with Obama, what would it be like? It would be that.

He was a bad Obama in every way. Yeah, he was a terrible Obama in every way. And I didn't feel like Michelle. It was so bad obama in every way yeah he was a terrible obama in every way and i didn't feel like michelle it was so i just want to feel like michelle that's all i want to feel like michelle obama you have to go teach a class right yes okay so we should wrap this up dan lippert thank you so much for being here did i do it right you did it you did it right do you have anything to plug um yeah i guess my uh podcast the teacherounge, with my sketch group, Big Grande, is on Howl.fm. We do improv as four different teachers, and we have a lot of guests. And you did a live episode of that.

I did do a live episode of a woman who I think was not wearing clothing. Yeah, I think you, yeah. We didn't endow you with that. You said that was you. I said it just all by myself. It is a truly, it's a great podcast. Thank you.

It's very fun. Dan also performs with Winslow at UCB on Friday. Friday's at 9.30. It's a great show. If you're in LA. You can go see it.

If you like this podcast, you should rate me five stars on iTunes-ies. And if you rate me five stars and write a review where you hit on me, I will read it on the podcast. Hell yeah. And an example of something you can say is,

let's have sex. I want to stretch your pussy out. You're so pretty to me, inside and out. Good personality. I got a thing for big, pretty women. I got a nice dick. Another. Stop at one or two, I think.

Edit yourself. Another example is, as long as I have a face, you have a place to sit. Oh, that's a good one. Anything fun and juicy like that. And if you would like to date me and you are good looking I might go on a date with you so you can also just strictly like just ask

I perform every Sunday at Elm Elbray Citizenship Brigade Theater on Franklin at 11pm if you like what you hear you can ask me on a date in person if you do that honestly I'll think you're wild. But if the LaFouBelle is open, we'll go have a drink.

Okay, Dan Lippert, thank you so much. Thank you. Okay, bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.