Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Being a Single Mom of 3 (w/ Francesca Amber)

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Nicole’s close friend Francesca Amber (host of Law of Attraction Changed my Life) talks about the struggles of being a mother of twins, explains the latest fad of 'co-parenting', and describes how to use the Law of Attraction to manifest your dream person. Meanwhile, Nicole counts down the days until her dick appointment. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, see blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Merch: teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you come to my house and throw away all the things that I've carefully tried to curate. I adore her. She's a mother of three. She's the owner of N7 Collective Salon in London. And she hosts the podcast Laws of Attraction. No, Law of Attraction changed my life. It's Francesca Ember! Hey, bitches.

Franny Fran, Fran, Fran, Fran, how are you? Wait, what time is it? You're in England. How are you? Wait, what time is it? You're in England. It's 8pm. And I can hear one child screaming upstairs. But luckily, my mother is up there. They're not left on their own.

It's all fine. There's always one screaming, no matter what I do. It is so wild to me that you are a single mother of three. I have learned how far I can push my body my mind my spirit my fucking everything it is truly testing me and I've realized that women are so strong and men are whiny little bitches this is what I've learned in the last year and when I saw you a year ago I had one child now I have three Yeah, you're fucking twins. Yeah, don't ever do it. We're not designed. I mean, when did you find out you were having twins? At nine weeks pregnant.

So I was working in London and I started having a little bit of bleeding and I felt like fucking death. Like I just felt awful. Like I've obviously been pregnant before, but this was like another level. And so I went to hospital thinking, okay, I keep bleeding. They're probably going to say to me like that I'm losing the baby or something. And so I went and had a scan and she's like, right, I'm not going to talk to you till the end. So don't ask me any questions. I'm going to do a thorough thing and then I'll talk to you at the end. So I was like, okay, cool. And then she was like, okay, so the good news is that there is a heartbeat,

but there's two heartbeats. And I said, that had better be a fucking baby with two hearts. Because if there's two, I was so upset. I may have sworn at them. I cried. And I cried from that hospital on the 20-minute walk home to my flat. I cried the whole way. I was devastated for weeks. Couldn't leave my house. It was awful.

I mean, I'm giggling, but I truly love how real you're being about this because I feel like when people get pregnant and they're having babies, everyone is like, the general consensus is like, and they're having babies. Everyone is like, the general consensus is like, I'm so blessed. I'm so happy. But then I'm like, sometimes you are scared. And it's okay to say that you're scared. Well, sometimes it's not something you want. Like one of the things on my podcast, I've always been really open about is I never wanted boys. I don't like boys very much. I don't like men. I don't and I can't guarantee that I'd have a gay son so I'm like I just wanted girls and the clothes are cuter so I've always and if I'd got a boy I would have been so upset and it's the same with twins I didn't want three children I really really didn't I just wanted a

little friend for my daughter and I just wanted to get on with life instead here I am lugging around two babies breastfeeding two babies like I literally look like I've got an illness at the moment because I'm just so skinny but not in a toned way just in a like are you okay you look like you're dying kind of way i didn't want this but i got it i feel like you look fucking fabulous thank you but what is i mean this is a question i feel like that's just a run-of-the-mill question but i'm like what is the hardest thing about having twin fucking infants because they're not one yet no they're six months the hardest thing is that obviously like a young baby you if when you have a newborn baby you see people you know preciously pick it up and carry it with both hands when you have twins you have to drag a baby by a leg across the sofa and pick it up

scoop it up you might drop one like you do things with twins that you would never do with a single baby I have to now put one on my back which involves twisting it on a thing it might fall out I have to do it over a sofa put her on my back I can't see what she's doing back there you just do things with twins that you would never do with one because it's the physical weight and difficulty of carrying them like carrying them feeding them it's just a we are definitely not designed to have more than one baby i can categorically say that it's not normal it's not right and i'm not okay i feel like just in general people with their second kids like i'm a second kid there's so many beautiful pictures of my sister loving pictures there's not the same amount for

me it was just like oh my god this is still a baby there's a new baby i don't fucking she could eat off the floor i don't fucking care and when i was nannying it was like the same thing the first baby was like we're so precious with it and then i went over when she had the second baby and she was just like drained of color from her face she had to sit on a donut because the second baby ripped her harder than the first and she was just like i need to feel like a human again I need to and then the baby was like eating something off the floor or like trying to like nibble something that had fallen and she was like it doesn't fucking matter just let her do it and I was like oh my god okay you are age-aged woman it is definitely you know I had all my mom friends

around last night it's the first time we've seen each other in a year because of lockdown and we and I was like is it true that you love your not you love your second child less but it's a different vibe like with Bohemia I did weekly videos of her fucking life I edited videos with background music I faded in I faded out these kids have got like a couple of pictures you know it's not you just don't feel the same about a second child it's not nearly as magical and I feel the same about a second child. It's not nearly as magical. And I'm a second child, too. So now I understand why my parents are the way with me that they are. They followed my sister to where she moved. I had to fucking move to be with them. And now I know why. I feel like you're doing a great job because like online, I've gotten to see so much of them on your Instagram. I think you're doing such a great job.

They look so cute. You dress them so cute. They're just truly two little adorable babies. It does help that they're cute. It does. But not to blow my own trumpet, but I am doing a fucking good job. Like I truly am. You know, my sister keeps saying to me, she's like, everyone I know that's's had twins a lot of them have not been able to breastfeed twins exclusively and I've had breast implants as well so like we're talking like 60 silicone up in here so I don't know how it's happened

but I'm very proud of myself for that and we've been in a lockdown as well so we've been I've been doing this in real isolation with no support nothing I'm just sitting and feeding and changing for what seems like an eternity and it's it's fucking hard but one day they'll be grown up and they'll be like mom let's go to New York and I'll be like yes and we'll all drink champagne and it'll all be fine that's what I'm waiting for I love that I love that vision you're just like a lot of hard work will pay off and we're gonna have a lot of fucking fun later it's got to it's got to pay off somewhere what has lockdown been like in england oh it has been a shit show our government is so truly so we were talking to our mutual friend john mason and his cousin k and we were talking about how he's in australia she's in america i'm

in england and how different it's been so Australia super super cautious America they don't give a shit they're out in the bars they truly are like in denial and then in England we've been in lockdown for pretty much a year we went into lockdown and I was in my first trimester I now have six month old twins and I'm we're still in lockdown and I don't really see it ending anytime soon I mean I've not really been anywhere in a year and it's crazy and I'm over it I'm so over it yeah well California is opening back up April 15th and yeah and indoor concerts are back baby uh plays are back i'm like isn't this just a little too quick like i'm dying to fucking go places and like get back out there and i don't know what stand-up

looks like i haven't done a fucking hour-long set in a year but i'm like seems a little a little too quick but then again that's just america we're just you know will you have the vaccine when you're offered it uh yeah i absolutely i have my first shot already specifically because i was just like i don't know if like rich people are fighting to get it and they're like why can't i have i'm like if the rich people want it i want it i want it you know that's a good that's a good uh thesis i mean yeah just you know if rich people don't want you to have unions like amazon here is like fighting tooth and nail to have their workers not unionize. I'm like, guys, that's a clue.

Unionize. Like there's a reason why these people don't want you to do shit. But yeah, that's it's I'm over it. And what's the first thing that you're going to do? Like what's the first thing that you're truly looking forward to doing? thing that you're going to do? Like, what's the first thing that you're truly looking forward to doing? I am looking forward to not having to be like, sir, are you cautious during this pandemic? I'm fucking I am fucking I can't wait. I just did this NPR interview. And they're like, I don't know if we can air your answer. Because I asked the same thing. And I said, I wanted all my holes

filled. Oh. And they were were like do you have a second answer and I was like coitus where all my holes are filled filled and they were like oh uh I don't know about that but that's it I just I want to be fucked yeah so have you done any kind of dating during like this past this whole corona time I did too i did a facetime date where he only allotted like 15 minutes and then was having friends over and this was last may and i was like sir it's the beginning of the pandemic and you have friends coming i don't know if we have the same values and then i went on a date where i talked about in another episode but uh he was very sweet, very kind. It just, like, my wig fell off at one point. It was just, like, messy.

So that was in person? It was in person at a park where we sat pretty far away, had, like, a nice, lovely afternoon, and then my wig fell off, and then I was like, you know what, it's time for me to leave. I gotta go. That's a sign. Yeah, it's a sign from the beautiful Lord Jesus

to be like, okay, okay bitch you gotta slow your you gotta start you gotta go back inside yeah i mean i think for everyone that has been in this pandemic single people have been hit the hardest because i mean i don't know about you but i feel like as a single person that's truly truly happy about being single we tend to fill our lives with work that we love with friends we tend to go out with friends more we tend to do a lot more things for me work isn't even really work like I enjoy going out and then all of a sudden you're like you have to sit in the house that you fucking build and lay in your bed with no one else in it and really look at who's in your home

and I'm like no because I'm the only adult in my home and I'm going insane. And it's not fair. Don't make me look in wood. I mean, I've even looked at getting back with my twin's dad. The other day I was like, is he so bad? And my friend was like, look, you're feeling lonely. And that's truly all it is. Like, do not go there. So it's been hard for us, I think.

Yeah, I fully agree. Because I, I don't think I told you this but i um dislocated my ankle in november i sold and yeah so like i just had a bunch of friends taking care of me i truly was just like if i had a significant out there they would help it would it life would just be that much easier as opposed to being injured alone and having to beg people or not beg but like be like i don't want to ask this person to do another thing for me yeah it's like can you come over and cook for me i can't fucking stand for very long or it's like can you take me to the fucking doctor it was just like i wish i had a partner who's like oh i'll make you soup

even though i hate soup and i'll help you up the stairs. And yeah, it made me that much lonelier. Yeah, I think it's when you need help with things. And especially I've realized like with the twins, there's quite often times where I just need someone to hold a baby so I can look after the other one. And it's like the fact that there's no one there to do that. I'm like, oh, this sucks a little bit. But do you know what? Soon, everything will be open and we'll be living in our best lives again. And all the married there to do that. I'm like, oh, this sucks a little bit. But do you know what? Soon everything will be open and we'll be living in our best lives again. And all the married couples will just be at home, like the same. So they'll be at home and we'll be getting freaky.

Have you been dating at all during the pandemic? Do you know what's so funny is, so I moved from London at the beginning of the pandemic because I was like, do you know what? I don't need to be in a city like with three young children. And so I rented out my apartment and I moved up to the country where all my family live. And so I'm pretty new here. I have friends here, but I don't know loads of people here. And so there was a guy who was mutual friends on Facebook with a couple of my friends. Hot, like fucking hot. I was very obviously pregnant with twins, like very, very large. And he's messaging me pictures of his dick, videos of his dick, which I of course passed around to all of my mum friends. And it's such a bizarre thing. And actually when I was pregnant with Bohemia, I would get chatted up more when I was pregnant than when I wasn't I swear to god it's the weirdest

thing and this guy is like hot so I said to my friend is he a weirdo she's like no he's like a an upstanding guy lots of people know him he's well liked and I just said to him like does it not bother you that I am pregnant with two babies and he's like no not really as long as like no one really knew and I ended up I just thought I was tempted but I was like I can't go there because can you imagine if anyone ever found out like this hoe has moved from London he's pregnant with twins and he's literally shacking up so I was like I can't do it I I can't. And actually. You should have.

It might have been fun. Do you know what? He did come around my house and get my Christmas tree out of my loft. And that's not a metaphor or a euphemism. It sounds like a euphemism. It really does. He did some dusting and pulled my Christmas tree out of the loft. I was having one of those moments that we were just talking about

where you're like, I need someone to help me. Like I can't get in my loft. I've just had an operation and also I'm scared of spiders. And so, sorry, I mean an attic for American people. Do you know what I'm talking about? A loft? Yeah. An attic.

Okay. And he came round and got it out of my loft. And then I was just like, he was sitting looking at his Instagram stories, and he's very active on his Instagram stories, and I find that very unattractive in a man. I don't like a man that takes social media seriously. And I was like, nah. I just didn't feel the vibe.

So I was like, do you know what? Nah. I ain't got time for this. Truly, I do not have time. Did you, so Beau's dad dad were you with him throughout the pregnancy or no what's the story with him do you mind telling it so the way no the way I met Bo's dad is insane and that's pretty much what started my law of attraction like I used to do it as a YouTube channel before it was a podcast and um and's on Patreon? Now it's on Patreon.

Thanks for mentioning that. Yeah. I love Patreon. So years and years and years ago, I was single. And this was before any kind of dating apps. It was very much like dating websites. And my mom was like, you're going to be single forever. This is like when I was 26, which how rude. So she made me go on match.com and I typed in what I wanted, which was like six foot six and above. I put in some real weird shit. And you know, normally you would get like 5,000 results or maybe like 500 results at least I got one result and it was this tall mixed race guy I mean total he's six foot nine so like long oh my god standing on a beach with a boat behind him and I was like mum that is my husband this is my husband so I literally signed

up paid the money sent him a message that might have been a little bit crazy but I was like look don't think I'm crazy but I think you might be my husband and as soon as he paid the money you could see it said this user has not been active for 60 days so I was like oh man two months he's not gonna fucking see this so he never he never actually got back to my message at the end of the month I actually phoned match.com and I was like look can you get me a twitter handle an instagram it well it wasn't instagram back then but I was like I need to find this guy he's my husband and they said no data protection act you're crazy whatever so I was like fine I agree with you fine I wonder how many other women are like I need to find this man and they're like we don't know what we've started this is wild

yeah I'm sure I wasn't the only one um So my mum was like, why don't you do your law of attraction thing? So I printed out his picture. I put it on a vision board, bear with. So I put other things I wanted as well. And I was like, this is the kind of husband I want to attract. I didn't for a second think it would be him. But I was like, this is the kind of person I want to attract. Two and a half years later, my friend is walking along the road in London, sees this really tall guy. She's never done this for me before. And she says, oh my God, my friend loves tall guys. Would you like to go on a date? So she sets up this blind date for me. And just before the blind date, he says, oh, do you want to switch Facebook pages so we can see what we look like? I mean, not really the idea of a blind date. But so I was like, sure. The profile picture was the same picture.

It wasn't just, is this the same guy? It was the same picture. I mean, Nicole, come on. That's fucking wild. I truly, I mean, like when it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But then it wasn't meant to be because y'all didn't stay together. Well, it turned out he was gay and he nearly ruined my life. So it wasn't exactly meant

to be but do you know what I do feel like some people are for a reason summer for a season and he taught me so much like he managed to get me to quit my job I was in a job I hated he was like quit your job do your own business he like encouraged me to travel the world we hadn't even been married a year when I went traveling with John like he was like go for it go and have fun like he actually I call him like my third parent because I do feel like he taught me a lot of things that my own parents didn't teach me um and we have a beautiful child together I love her I have no hashtag no regrets about our marriage but my god we made each other unhappy in the end like we were not meant to be. And so I have bohemia with him. And then after that, after I got divorced, I really went for like the opposite end of the spectrum. I went for somebody who was very, very laid back,

not at all controlling, almost like had no dreams of their own. So they'd kind of just go along with mine. And I thought that would be really nice. and it turns out I fucking hate that too one's too hot one's too cold I need something in the middle but then I got knocked up with twins so here I am now three children but the only good thing to this story is that I truly feel like my children are done now. I have three beautiful, healthy daughters. What more could I want? And that part of my life is done. I now can look for love with no agenda, no timeline, no biological clock ticking. I'm just going to find someone that I fucking love hanging out with. And I don't need to worry about their sperm or worry about, oh, does he look a bit funny from the side? Will my children be really taught? Do you know what I mean? I could just be like, let's have fun. And I'm excited for that I love that real quick we have to take a break

so you've always wanted children I've always wanted daughters always I thought too um although I was never really a childy sort of person. I don't like other people's children very much. I mean, I'm surprised that you were a nanny. That really shocks me. I know it shocks a lot of people. But when I was younger, I liked children. I wanted children. I babysat a ton. And then I started nannying. And I would be with the first kid I nannied, I'd be with actually the second kids, too. I'd be with them from like 8 a.m. to about 3 p.m., 4 p.m. And, you know, they're awake in the morning and then you put them down for a nap.

And then either you hear them on the monitor or the other kids I babysat, they were older. So I would like put my head down on the couch and close my eyes and I'd feel a presence in front of me and I'd open my eyes and I'd be like oh hi you're awake milk I'm like yep I know I know that I know the routine you don't have to say milk every time you wake up milk milk and I was like oh boy and just the thought of somebody being there when I woke up and I couldn't do my shit because I had to do theirs first at like 20 I guess it was 25 when I stopped nannying I was like yeah I can't I can't do this I and then the thought of a child in my home it's my home it's mine uh what are you what are you here? I think, not that it matters, but this is what I think you should do.

I think you should wait a couple of years because you're still very young. And then I think you should get some sort of sperm donor situation. Or you can even do co-parenting now where you just give the kid to someone else for two days a week, which is perfect. Trust me, that's what I do. Wait, what? Yeah. There's a whole show about it in the UK. You find someone online that wants a child as well. My friend Chris is on it, actually.

And you say, look, I want a baby. You want a baby. What are your values? What are your beliefs? How do you want to raise them? And they say, right, I'll have it Tuesday and Wednesday. You have it the rest of the week. And people are fucking doing this shit.

It's like Tinder, but for babies. It's amazing. You should do that. And just have one and love it and cherish it and give it all of your inheritance. And you will love it. I'm telling you, you'll never feel a love like it. But not more than one.

Just one. Okay. I feel like if I hit 50, 55, 60-ish, I think I'll adopt like an eight-year-old or something somebody who can talk to me who i could still kind of dress up and then just like travel the world with this little kid and be like this is my friend that would be oh so fun but then it's just like i have to put them in school and stuff it's just like a lot of things that you have to think about with a child like you can't just have a kid be your friend and then release it to the wild when you die because then

it's like oh if you didn't teach them anything, they're going to just wreak havoc on the world. End up murdering someone probably. Yeah. And I don't want that. Okay. So tell me about your podcast. Law of Attraction changed my life. What is the law of attraction? So the law of attraction is basically how I met my husband. So if you, you need to decide first what it is that you want to attract into your life, anything, it could be your dream home, your dream partner, whatever it is, and you manifest it into reality. You speak about it and you think about it until you see it. And it sounds really simple, but there's a lot of people, myself included until I was about 25, just sort of kind of going through life, feeling like you don't have a choice in all of this stuff and that life just happens.

But actually, you can be the architect of your own life. You can live your life exactly how you want. You don't have to work a nine to five. You can quit and earn triple the money working one day a week if you truly want. You can move wherever you want in the world. And it's just about, I guess what I specialize in is just ordinary stuff like women that desperately want babies and have had fertility issues or women that are trying to look for love and have not found the right person um all that kind of stuff which is why i suggested it to you as well because i think for you and a man oh sorry that was bohemia on a walkie talkie she's trying to fucking talk to me oh good lord

i might hang on what is she saying let me go and turn it off hold on okay we've got these walkie talkies and we took them to the shop the other day and she likes to go on the next aisle and then talk to me from the walkie talkie and she's like mommy and buy your favorite drink and i go around there she's in front of the rose wine and this man's laughing I'm like oh thank you Beau you gotta love him yeah I mean that is funny those moments are very funny but it's like well you gotta clean up shit because you're gonna have to clean up a lot of shit that's not for me it's true well I'm beyond that stage with her now she is legit like my little best friend it is great it is great but

yeah so yeah so you just gotta figure out what it is that you want in life like identify it first and then what you think about you'll bring about get on the right vibration i mean so many people walk through life being so negative about stuff i mean mean, I could sit here and be like, I'm a single mom and I don't have a man in my life and I've got three children and I can currently hear two of them screaming upstairs and like, do you know what I mean? But I don't. I sit here and I think how incredible that like, it wouldn't have been that long ago that I wouldn't have been able to live this life. I wouldn't have been able to purchase my own home. I wouldn't have been able to run my own business. I certainly wouldn't have been able to live this life. I wouldn't have been able to purchase my own home. I wouldn't have been able to run my own business. I certainly wouldn't have been allowed

to have three children by myself. Like it wouldn't have been allowed, you know? And I'm kind of just living life completely on my terms and doing it how I want. And that's the thing, success looks different to everyone. And so with the law of attraction, I think some people feel like, well, is there enough to go around?

But it's like, of course there is because not everybody wants the same thing. I wanted a podcast that was going to be number one in the UK, like in its division. And that's happened within a couple of months of it being here, but not everybody wants that. Not everybody wants a million baby girls. Like, you know, everyone wants different shit. Okay. So how do I, so what I need to do is make a vision board of the person I want to attract? I would create a vision board and then I would put it as the screensaver on your phone so that you see it subliminally just multiple times a day. You could put it on the background of your computer. I think the lock screen of your phone is good. And something that I've been doing

recently, because I'm very anti-love at the moment. I'm very like, I don't want a man in my life. I'm very conflicted. And so what I'm doing is rather than putting what I think is my ideal man, so you could put a picture of a big old dick, you could put a picture of some like nice tattoos or something, whatever you want. But I'm actually putting pictures of couples that I really respect and admire, But I'm actually putting pictures of couples that I really respect and admire because I found myself getting in this tricky scenario now where I'll go on holiday with my friend and I'll find myself looking at married couples being like, oh, they look so unhappy. Look, they're arguing. Those poor people.

And I actually look at people in relationships as like poor them. It's us single people living the best life. And I don't want to feel like that. You know, I want to feel open to love and I want to feel open to having a partner. So now I just have pictures of couples that I look at their relationship and I think, well, actually, look at them. They're nice. They don't wear matching fucking sweaters. Like, they look cool. So that's what I'm doing. So yeah, you just need to find what you want in a man, So that's what I'm doing. So yeah, you just need to find what you want in a man, list it, get really clear about it, make a vision board and visualize it as well. You know, every day find a song that you love and that makes you feel very like emotional. Like maybe it could be something that you'd have as your first dance at your wedding and visualize in

the morning before you get up, just lay in bed and visualize yourself, like whatever it is you like doing, walking along a beach, getting fucked. I don't know what it is what have you on and go into that that restaurant that you love Guy Fieri you could be going there with this guy you just visualize what you guys would be doing and I'm telling you it will come to fruition all right it's very weird okay so like i do a lot of that in my professional life like i unwittingly like manifest a lot of things because i just like i'm like oh i want this this will happen i don't know when but it's definitely gonna happen and everything i've wanted to happen in my career has more or less like happened. There's like a couple of things that I'm trying to like manifest right now. But for whatever reason with love, I'm like, I don't know.

I don't think that's a thing I can manifest. And I don't know why. Although I did manifest someone last year, but I didn't. So I wrote down everything I wanted in a partner. I forgot to be specific and I didn't write down emotionally available. And this person was not emotionally available whatsoever. And would like, tell me one thing, act a different way. And then the universe was like giving me signs that it was done.

And I kept being like, no, it's not done yet. I'll fight against this. A weird thing happens when I date people. And when it has like been finished and I know it's finished but I'm fighting it I see their name everywhere oh like it's a very what like I was dating this one guy not a super common name but I kept seeing his name everywhere and I was like but I don't want it to be done and then it was like fully finished and then the same thing happened last year and then recently I saw my name in a couple places and I was like am I done with me you're gonna die corona's coming to get you I mean maybe and I don't want her to come for me

she's rude uh but yeah maybe I just need to like hunker down and write down specific things yeah I mean you've I did not ask for a gay husband but I fucking got one um you know that was not quite on the vision board you do need to be very specific but also I think being open to red flags as well like I ignore a lot of red flags in people because I think as women we have this thing where we're like but I'm not getting any younger and especially if you want children you ignore things um whereas now that's what i'm saying about having all my children done if i see a fucking red dot i'm done you're gone like i am not ignoring red flags anymore but it's interesting what you say i feel very similar in i find certain

aspects of my life very easy to manifest like money wise job wise all friends all that kind of thing I find it really easy love is difficult and for different people it will be different things and that's when you need to start looking at like your love blockages what's happened in your past to make you feel this way so like that's when you can start to do a little bit more self-development work and really sort of go back so for me for example my mum and dad were, my dad was an awful, awful husband. And when I was about 11, my mum and dad got divorced. And I remember that period of my life as being the happiest period of my life. Because for about two or three years, my mum was single. She met all these new friends. We would have all these single mum parties. And it was wild. It was

brilliant. As a child to witness that, I was very like proud of her and then it only lasted three years and then she got a relationship just as bad as the previous one as a lot of people tend to do they go for the same thing and so I can see how in my mind I see together bad independent single mum good I've got that so ingrained in me. And so now I just need to work on, I know why I've got that, but now I need to work on how do I undo that? How do I, do you know Paul C. Bronson? No. Oh, so he's American. He's from Atlanta, I think. And he does like a lot of the dating shows over here in the UK. He does like Married at First Sight and stuff. He's like one of the, not judges, but you know, like a expert. And he's coming to do a second part on my podcast next week to work on my love blockages and I'm

very excited because some of that shit you can't do by yourself you know it's something you've got to work with somebody else and I'm clearly not qualified to get through this shit that's like so interesting when you say love blockages because I, maybe I've heard a phrase like that, but like it just makes sense that you repeat things that you've done because you have like a little bit of a blockage or you have something that happened in your past that's affecting how you're acting now. And it's hard to fucking get around it because you're in it. You know what I mean? You're like outside of it. You can't really see what you're doing. And also we're always all evolving like when I look back at the person that I was when I was

married to my ex-husband like I was half the person that I am now because of the growth work that I've done with myself because of the fucking experiences the you know character building experiences I've had like getting divorced is a very character building experience. You get to work on yourself and I think you attract what you kind of deserve. And maybe back then that's what I deserved. I was quite a shallow bitch. I was looking for someone that would be able to take care of me and fly me around the world and that's what I fucking got. But I think as you grow and evolve, that's why I also don't know if you can be with someone forever because what are the chances that you grow and evolve together? Like that's hard. How do you do that? I would like to be a sister wife. That's what I would like. I actually would. I really would. Would you though? Would you want

somebody else to fuck your man? I have zero jealousy. Zero. I have none. Do you know what my ex said? You're like a man. And I don't know whether he meant that in a good way or a bad way, but I have zero jealousy. I wouldn't mind if they had two other wives. I'd be like, look, I'll see you Tuesday and Friday. So my ex that I have the twins with, I said to him, look, I don't think this is working out. I can't live with someone again. I'm so used to being by myself. I can't have you in my space all the time. I was like, can't we just do what, I think a lot of Jamaican men do this where it's like, I'll see you two days a week. We have a great life. We spend time together. We look after our children and then you go, you go and you leave me alone for five days.

He was not down for that. Well, this is i i think what you're describing is like a form of polyamory yeah it's like you have your main maybe and then like a couple others but also it's like also it's like you could be with one person and just be with them sometimes out of the week yeah just live in your own houses and just have your own lives as well kind of like in sex in the city two maybe or maybe it's the first movie no it's the second one where carrie was like riding at her apartment or whatever and she was like i think i'm gonna sell it and big's like why and she's like i don't know because we live together here and he's like but wouldn't it be nice if you like just went and had your time at the apartment? And she was like, ha, what?

But then I was like, if I got into a serious relationship with somebody, I think I would want them to keep their home. Like, keep your apartment so you can go there and you could go do whatever you want there and I could do whatever I want at my place. And then we are together when we want to be together. But maybe we're unusual in thinking that

and that's why we're both single. Maybe. But I mean, I think that sounds perfect. I agree with you. Spending every waking moment with somebody seems just a little exhausting. Yeah. And then you get so reliant on them.

Like I look back now and I think, God, I never like, not that I never made plans with friends, but you just tend to not really, like, you're just so reliant on that relationship. You don't see friends as much. You don't have your own plans as much. And I don't want to go back to that place. I really enjoy my life. Someone would have to be really special to come in and be here now, I think. Real quick, we have to take a break. And oh, we're back. Yeah, I agree with you. It would take somebody like incredibly special, not just special, but like a person that I felt like next level feelings about to just like,

you know, take my time or whatever. I also need a partner who like gets that, like I work and I'm away a lot and it's not them. It's just, that's the nature of my job so yeah I just it's a lot because you travel a lot don't you I used to this could be the change and also maybe now you'll meet someone that can work remotely because we're now all working remotely so maybe it didn't work before but now it's gonna work for you I hope so I did a thing that maybe was bad. So I wrote down all of the qualities I wanted in a partner. I was like very, very specific. I put them in an envelope and then I put it in the mailbox. I just addressed it to like one, two, three, anywhere.

I love it. And then put the zip code. And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, maybe I was, I sent love away. And I should write it down and like keep it with me. So I'm thinking about it, I'm like, maybe I was, I sent love away and I should write it down and like, keep it with me. So I'm bringing it towards me and not away from me. This is true.

But I do love the idea of just mailing it and seeing where the hell does that, and someone's going to open it up and be like, I want a big old dick. What? I mean, that was one of those things. It was like, I want to be deep dicked. I want him to have a big dick. I want him to like me. I want him to be nice to me. It was one of those things it was like I want to be deep dicked I want him to have a big dick I want him to like me I want him to be nice to me it was a lot of things it was a very important do you know what just after I got divorced in fact I wasn't even divorced I met

somebody who he was actually a neighbor and it kind of got me through my divorce and I was still living with my ex-husband had like a one-year-old baby. And we had to live together for about a period of six months. And that's fucking tough, living with someone that hates you. Like it was awful. And I truly got through it by just dating my neighbor on the next street. I mean, local dick, convenient. I'd wait until the baby was asleep and off I'd go. It was brilliant. and I've realized you either get someone you find really attractive or you get a big dick you do never you never get the two together I yeah I guess the last two dudes I like dated for more than three dates one was like kind of

cute in a way we're like when I was drunk I'd be like oh you're cute and then sober I'd be like okay I don't know I was really indifferent about him sober but he had the biggest drunk, I'd be like, Ooh, you're cute. And then sober, I'd be like, I don't know. Okay. I don't know. I was really indifferent about him sober, but he had the biggest fucking dick I'd ever seen when he pulled down his pants. I just went, Oh my, I don't think he clocked it, but I was fully like, wow, this is delightful. Uh, and then I did another guy who I thought was like, so attractive, just like upon sight. I was like, you are so fucking hot. And then he pulled down his pants and I was like, Ooh,

a grower, not a shower. But what if it's not a grower or a shower? It was neither. It was, there was, there was no growing. There was nothing.

So upsetting. Yes. For me it was. And I know some listeners will be like, it's not nice to talk about people's penises but it's like i don't know it's my it's what i like it's what i want it wasn't attracted to some or it wasn't attached to someone who was nice to me so that's another thing about it but men talk about women all the time they talk about women's bodies all the fucking time i love that we

can now objectify them the way that they objectify it's completely normal and your podcast is pretty much one of the only ones i notice you can talk about a guy's dick and be like go fuck yourself and you know even at the salon now we see girls coming in and we're like oh what are you getting a spray tan for a dick appointment and i'm like good for you I think it's about time that we do the fucking same. I'm all for it. I say that, but I'm tired of reading people's comments where they tell me that it's not nice. So I do these little disclaimers now because you can't fucking say anything without someone going, that's mean.

How would you feel if someone said that about you? And I'm like, I wouldn't care. I don't give a shit yeah uh people say nasty things about me all the time but like i don't know i want a big dick that's that's me that's what i want but also if it's a tiny dick attached to a nice person who learns other ways to please me that's great too but a big i just it's been a long time and all I want is to be pounded. But I did make a dick appointment for two weeks after my second shot because they say, like, you should wait two weeks, I think.

I don't know. I read that somewhere. But I was talking to this guy and I was like, all right, two weeks out. Let's do this. I got a hotel room and I'm very excited about it. You are organized. You're on it. Yes, she is. She's had a lot of time inside

a lot of time with herself she don't like it she don't want it so yeah I was like we need to make this happen I'm like counting down the days oh lord I I've now feel like I need to be like making preparations but who am I kidding I've got six month old twins nothing is happening for at least I'm gonna say another six months I'm gonna say Christmas 2021 are we in 2021 right now I mean I truly said 2020 the other day and someone was like girl no we're almost midway through 2021 can you even it's terrifying well I think Christmas 2021 is when I'm going to have sex for the next time. I'm very excited about it. Very. Okay. I like it. But also get a babysitter now.

They're breastfed, so I can't leave them. Wait, can't you pump it and dump it and put it in a bottle? No, it's so hard because there's two of them. There's never enough milk. there's like a deficit like i couldn't it's it's a very fine balance so no i can't in short but do you know what i'm happy to wait till christmas i feel like i'm physically exhausted mentally exhausted i every spare second that the babies are asleep i'm podcasting every second so i literally don't have a chance to even go on tinder at the moment so it can wait my dream man can wait also what a lovely christmas present to you oh it better be wrapped up in a bow wait what is the vaccine rollout been like in the uk well it started off as one of the best in the

world apparently and then everyone was worried that they were going to get blood clots. And then Europe hates us. So then they stopped the vaccine coming into the country. And we were like, no, but they offered it to me. But because I'm breastfeeding, I can't take it, even though I have Crohn's disease. So I'm high risk. I'm risky out here, but I don't care. I'm not going to get it. See, this is an example of the law of attraction. I'm not going to get it. It doesn't affect me just doesn't i mean i i truly say the same thing i'm like i'm not going to get it because i'm not an idiot and i'm not doing dumb things and when i go out into the world i wear my fucking mask and i i just don't do things that are gonna enable me to get it yeah are you gonna wear a mask the first time you have sex please do for the lols

just for the lols i might do that you know i might be like and sir here's your mask please eat me out through it let's see how that feels like i think a full-on n95 mask and no condom go for that yeah i'm like please don't wear a condom we're already wearing enough protection thank you so much I'm excited for you thank you I am so excited for myself uh honestly like truly I keep looking at the date I put in my calendar as Nicole's big fun day out. Why not? I can't fucking wait. Oh God, I wish I could do that. Honestly, babies are a cock block, 100%.

Like I feel like it's not the done thing. I can't be seen to be on Tinder or going out and like have two young babies attached to me all the time. But you wait, Christmas. But you did say you get chatted up more when you're pregnant than you're not pregnant. So maybe you should wear a fake belly when you're trying to find a man.

I mean, that might make me even weirder in this very small village that I've moved to and people already think I'm crazy. They're like, man, this woman moved in and she's wearing this fake stomach. Sometimes she has it. Sometimes she doesn't. I don't know. Let's marry her.

And people hear talk. That's the thing. Do they? It's not London. This is like a village. So people know all your business. Like I came out my house this morning. I had a crazy party in my garden last night with some of my friends.

Burned a load of fence panels got Chinese got drunk and I came out this morning and my neighbor was like I saw your Instagram stories had a good night did you and I'm like oh look they know everything like in London you could fuck everyone on your street and no one would know but here no that's so funny I've never really I guess growing up I lived in a small enough town where people like were nosy and new things I just couldn't imagine people in my business like that well sometimes the neighbors will be like did you see this and I'm like oh I did see this and I'm like oh okay um so I guess it is like a little bit of neighborhood gossip that's fun I like it business I do enjoy it and also I'm a very person. I truly don't give a shit what people think. But it can fuck you up because, like I say,

the place I used to live with my ex-husband, I mean, I fucked my neighbor. And so I can't go back there now. I've ruined that for myself. He's told me I'm not allowed back. So you do have to be careful. You said the rest of Europe hates the UK. Is it because of Brexit?

I don't understand Brexit. Oh, truly, who does? But basically, we are now on our own. Europe hates us. Everyone hates us. We let European refugee children drown in the sea. No one gives a shit. Yeah, it's the worst.

But we're under a Tory government. So it's like a Republican government. So it's the worst. it's truly the worst but we're living through it so the uk was a part of the european european union yeah and the european union did amazing things like they um they imposed levels of pollution that you could have so one of the reasons i moved from london as well is that the level the legal level of pollution on the street that i lived on was consistently 18 times above the legal limit and so every day the government would just pay these fines to europe instead of changing it and bringing the pollution down they'd be like i will pay the fines so europe

held us accountable for a lot of things a lot of our animal welfare things the way that food is produced um i sound knowledgeable on this now but i don't really know what i'm talking about so Europe held us accountable for a lot of things a lot of our animal welfare things the way that food is produced I sound knowledgeable on this now but I don't really know what I'm talking about you were like I don't know but then you're like telling me a bunch of shit that I was like oh cool I didn't know that

Europe's just brilliant really and very sort of progressive and forward thinking and then you've got all these people in England that are like England's my place these Europeans can't tell me what to fucking do and now we've like regressed back 10 years and we're all on our own and it's shit no but i do want to come i've never been i want to come so bad i want to see you i want to see the baby nicole you need to come she's so fucking cute she's hilarious and she loves you she i love

her i'm terrified because i do feel like I'm raising her to be a young gay man because all she watches is RuPaul's Drag Race. She loves you. She loves Lizzo. But one thing I'm so happy about is all these people that she loves because RuPaul's Drag Race, some people might think, not for a child, Fran, not for a child. But she has a gay dad and he has a boyfriend now that lives with him,

George, very lovely guy. And I remember at school, we had one boy who had two mums and people used to take the piss out of him and we didn't know any better. So I feel like there is going to come a day where her friends are going to realise that her dad has a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. And so I'm just trying to make it so normal, so a part of her life and a positive part of her life you know like it's a good thing it's a fun thing um and but also what I was going to say with that with you and Lizzo she loves both of you and when you sent her that you very kindly sent her and the twins some clothes she was like but I don't understand who sent this to us and I was like oh it's a lady called Nicole and she's like but but why she sent us all these clothes and I was like do you know what she's very

very rich she's very very famous she is very like she's the most successful person I know do you want to see her and she was like yeah so I got up um I don't think it was nailed it I can't remember what I showed her but I showed her something and I was so happy that you weren't a skinny white bitch do you know what I mean because my daughter is mixed race she's quite dark mixed race and it's like I love that the people she loves you and Lizzo both times she's asked to see someone that she loves but she doesn't know she loves it's it's someone who looks like her and'm like, Nicole is the richest person I know. She's the most successful person I know. Look at her, Beau. That could be you.

And now I understand why representation is so important because she knows a lot of old white men. They're all quite, you know, ordinary and poor. She sees you and she's like, oh, okay. I can be Nicole. I can be Lizzo. I can be fucking rupaul maybe not rupaul she could be rupaul she'd be whatever she wants i do appreciate that you do show her

people who look like her because i don't know i feel like sometimes white parents of mixed children kind of neglect that part yeah it's like they need to see representation of themselves because they're not seeing it at home and I've seen her with like little black dolls and I think that's like really great is it hard raising a mixed race child um yeah and it's only just coming about now because she's getting older and she's starting to like notice things um but we move from London where it's very diverse to this little village where she's not the only mixed race child there's a there's a couple but it's a very very white area and on her first day of school she just out of the blue said to me I'm not pretty

and I don't want to go to school today because my eyes aren't blue and I was like oh god yeah and it made me so sad but my sister bought her like a couple of books about like skin colour and stuff like that. But then I didn't want to make it a really big deal. For me, it was more powerful to be like, oh, look, someone sent you a load of clothes. Do you want to see who it is? And it just so happened to be. And the same, we went to Glastonbury two summers ago and she loves Lizzo. She's obsessed with Lizzo and so she wanted to

start watching her videos on tv and I think when we're at Glastonbury she didn't actually properly see her she just loves the songs and I love that when she wanted to see her it's like this is what Lizzo looks like like this is and I just love it that it's just worked out every time with her little idols that every time it's been a representation of it's who she could be she could grow up to be that so i'm very thankful to you nicole well i try and i'm thankful to you because you let me send you a flamingo lamp oh fucking hell that fucking lamp i swear to god i have never hated you more it was so hard it took up my whole house it was so hard to figure out how to get it picked up and like every company was like oh yeah we can pay it

pick it up so then i would schedule it and they're like oh we can't pick it up and i'm like what do you mean you said you could and then dhl did it and then also delivered me what I sent you and then a box of cards with cats on them. And I was like, what is this? How crazy. And I went through it and I was like, Oh, this isn't even addressed to me. And I was like,

oops. And then I had to call DHL to give it back to them. And they're like, this is the wrong package. And I was like, I don't, I don't know. I don't,

I just take it. It was a, it was a long ordeal. So God bless. Thank you so much for letting me do that it was those boxes were definitely bigger than i ever anticipated but it's done and done i didn't realize but it's because the company just wouldn't ship it to america and i was like i need this flamingo lamp but uh yeah i've been like wallpapering badly uh yeah I've had too much time well we've

all done I painted my kitchen pink during lockdown I mean oh but I love that that's cute it is quite cute but I can't wash it it's not scrubbable so it's it's not great but there is that girl that wants to do a mural for you and you should take her up on it because she could draw anything she could draw you being banged by a guy with a big dig oh my god in a tiger skin coat with a cowboy hat on that would be true manifestation like just to look every day at a picture of me with a huge dick next to it it would be like okay i'm looking at it i'll close my eyes i'll wish for it okay let's start my day there you go i'm just gonna find a wall for her to do something on or a ceiling she could do some sort of michelangelo shit i don't know okay i gotta think i've been trying to like slow my

roll a little bit because i keep getting things and i recently just got my I got a West Elm bed it was a whole debacle this woman at customer service was so mean to me uh but then they like worked it out and they were very kind oh is that Bo sorry yes it's okay look it's Nicole hi Bo say hello yeah um um um the babies are crying and both both of them they're both crying I can hear them they're both crying Ethan the light is on and Ethan we're not going to go to bed

oh good lord I was just telling Nicole how much you love her and Lizzo and Drag Race she got nothing to say she's like now I'm quiet. I just came in to deliver some news and I'm finished. Also, I don't look like me.

I don't have any hair right now. So she's like, who's this bald-headed woman? Also, she can't hear you. I've just realized. Oh, yes, yes, yes. She's not wearing headphones. I was like, I'm talking to you. What are you doing?

Isn't it cool? No. Ask Bo who her favourite queen is from UK. Bo, who is your favourite queen from RuPaul's Drag Race? I can't remember. Laurence Chaney? Yes. Or Bimini Bambulesh?

Bimini Bambulesh. I call her Bimini Bambulesh? Bimini Bambulesh. I call her Bimini Bambulesh now. That is Beau's new name. Go to bed. I love that. She's so cute. She's so big. Yeah, well, her dad's six foot nine, so that's a big kid.

How old is she? She's only four. Yeah, she's fucking huge. She's so tall. She's going to be a supermodel i'm telling you i love it she could be a supermodel make money paper hone college and then take care of you mama don't gotta work no more no more podcasting at 2 a.m for me okay so your advice for me is to do the laws of attraction, do a vision board.

Is there any other advice that you have for me? Visualize to music. It is very powerful. Do it every day. If you do something once, it's like doing a workout once. It's not going to change your life. If you do it every day, it will. We're doing a book at the moment on our Patreon.

It's called Atomic Habits. And it's all about changing your behavior just 1% a day. And if you improved something 1% a day, by by the end of the year you'd be 37 times better isn't that wild that is it makes sense though yeah yeah repetition makes you better at anything you're trying to do yeah just small things every day just a minute spent just every morning put that song on whatever you choose your song to be. Visualize this man coming into your life. And if you can't picture him, visualize like the feeling of how you'll feel. And yeah, do a vision board, put it where you'll see it. Bing bang bong, sing sang song.

Okay, I ask all of my guests this, would you date me? 100%, but only if you'd take on me and all of my screaming children you know i'd have to think about it it's gonna be a no for me dog friend i would come just to move to hollywood i mean i'll leave the children i'll leave them behind and i'll come come to la I mean I would love for you Nick you call her Kay I call her Skeeter Skeeter and John to just like move to LA and be near me

we do talk about that being our dream it's gonna happen I'm manifesting it baby it's all I fucking want I just want like a neighborhood of all of my friends where we just like hang out and have a very nice time okay what's the name of your Patreon because we've come to out and have a very nice time. Okay. What's the name of your Patreon?

Because we've come to the end and I want you to plug it. I don't know what my Patreon is called, but my podcast is Law of Attraction Changed My Life. It's the same name, baby. I don't know, but it's all on there. It's on my podcast. I link it fucking everywhere. If you go on my Instagram, it's linked there. If you go on my podcast, it's linked there. If you go on my podcast, it's linked there.

You can't get away from it. Tell the people what your Instagram is. My Instagram is at lawofattractionchangedmylife. Or if you want to see pictures of twins in little matching clothes, it's at francescaamber. And yeah, I have all of my links on there for my Patreon, my podcast, whatever you want to do. I love it. Fran, thank you so much for doing this. Franny Fran. Okay. No, thank you.

If you like this episode of Oh, I Want You, Davey, do other people call you Franny? Just you and I love it. I just like started doing it at Kay's bachelorette. I was just like, I guess, was that a bachelorette i was just like i guess was that a bachelor no it was her 30th birthday oh but we were very drunk it was napa valley like very drunk the whole time and i love that on the way to like different wineries we're just like on this party bus drinking vodka and i was like this is how you keep the party go you gotta drink in between the wine obviously i had a lovely fucking time and i love that i'm the only person who calls you franny And I was like, this is how you keep the party going. You got to drink in between the wine. Obviously. I had a lovely fucking time.

And I love that I'm the only person who calls you Franny. Anyway, if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe it. Subscribe to it. You write it five stars on Apple Podcasts. I don't know. You'd think I'd be, like, better at doing this little outro.

I've been doing this podcast for a lifetime. But if you write me something nasty, I will read it. This person, it's not nasty, nasty, but it says, Hey, Nicole, I want to treat you like my homework. Slam you down on my desk and do you all night long. Very nice. Very kind. Also like kind of sweet.

Did they leave a number? They didn't leave a number. Unfortunately, no number. Okay. Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? They didn't leave a number, unfortunately. No number. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me?

is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much! We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode! What a dream! What a dream! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.