Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Being 'Sexually Smart' (w/ JB Smoove)

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Comedian, actor, and self-proclaimed 'Love Doctor' JB Smoove (Curb Your Enthusiasm) joins Nicole to provide his wisdom on flirting, roller skating, developing rhythm, and shares his guide on having sensual sex. Then, JB elaborates on some motivational quotes. For more of JB’s wisdom, check out his new daily podcast May I Elaborate? Daily Wisdom from JB Smoove. We're nominated for a Webby Award! Please cast your vote here: bit.ly/wwydmvote Follow Nicole Byer: Upcoming Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

I'm nominated for a Webby Award. Can you believe it? Why Won't You Date Me has been nominated for Best Comedy Podcast. If you'd like to show your support, there's a link in the episode notes where you can cast your vote. Don't forget to verify your email after, otherwise your vote won't count. Help me win a Webby. I love awards. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Please tell me why! Why won't you date me? Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could rip out all my strawberry plants, stomp them on the ground, and say, you're not a farmer. Okay, my guest today is an actor and comedian. He is best known for his role as Leon on Curb Your Enthusiasm. He now hosts a new podcast, May I Elaborate? Daily Wisdom from J.B.

Smooth on the Team Coco Network. It is boop-a-da-boo! J.B. Smooth! Yeah, yeah. And you left out also Love Doctor up in this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm so sorry. Ooh, you a love doctor.

You know what? You know what? Energy doctor. Love doctor. Okay. Connection doctor. Relationship doctor. I'm a bunch of doctors.

I'm a bunch of doctors. I did not realize you were a relationship doctor. I mean, I know a little bit. Believe me. Okay. You got to have a lot of miles in the love category to know what the fuck you're talking about. Okay, so you got a lot of miles in the love category. I love this.

I'm just saying, you got to log in some miles to know what the fuck you're talking about. That's all I'm saying. You are very, very very very correct so as a love doctor can you give me some love advice so people are vaccinated life is returning to somewhat of normal ish so how how should i be approaching the means you gotta realize everybody's in the same boat as you so you know people are gonna be

willing to get out people and they don't wanna take no chances getting cooped up again with some fucked up shit some shit that just

ain't working and just fucking surviving and they're just there because they can't go nowhere else and they don't wanna catch anything and they don't wanna

give nobody anything so they have been shacked up and stuck with people that they don't go nowhere else and they don't want to catch anything and they don't want to give nobody anything. So they have been shacked up and stuck with people that they don't give a fuck about and they're praying this shit is over and they're praying they're going to get out of this and they're praying they're going to move on with somebody else who fits them better inside their

cooped up environment they have been in that they don't and we don't know when this is going to officially be over over. So we don't know what this is going to officially be over, over. So we don't know what's happening right now. We're all in the dark right now. So if it does, if this does loosen up a little bit and you're out there back into the market again, you know, you just got to have the right, you just got to, and I say market because

you got to have the right shopping cart pushing around. You feel me? Okay. Shit. All right. How about your coupons? And two, have your coupons, the right shopping cart and that kind. You feel me? Okay. How about your coupons? Have your coupons, the right shopping cart and that kind of stuff.

Walk around, feel on the fruit. You know what I mean? Squeeze the melons. Squeeze the cantaloupes. See what's out there. See what's out there because I'm telling you, you got to see what's out there because you know that we don't know what's going to happen. You know what I mean? We are at the mercy of the universe right now.

So I say that because I want you to find somebody uniquely qualified to fit your parameters, to fit your energy, you know, someone, someplace where you can land safely. That's what I say. So that if this does all go to shit or something else pops up, something called a variant. So we don't know what's going to happen.

And people have been seeing more UFOs flying around and shit. So we don't know what the fuck is going to happen. Fuck around might be the perfect alien for your ass. I don't know. I'm just saying. I mean, I would date an alien. Hell yeah. I absolutely would date an alien because I don't think they're little green Martians. I think there's like, I don't know what they look like.

But if a little alien came down and was like, hello, Nicole, I've been watching you. I'd be like, oh, so you like what you see. There you go. Right. He'll beam your ass up and get you up in there and you'll see who he is. You know what? That's the one thing about this whole thing that we are dealing with. I'm telling you, you got to find someone who, you ain't going to find nobody perfect.

That's for sure. That ain't going to happen. You ain't going to find nobody perfect unless you completely build somebody like a fucking android or some shit like that. You know what I mean? You build that motherfucking lab somewhere you know with all kind of parts and shit um and i say that because we are all the sum of our parts see so there's some shit you're gonna love about a person and some shit you ain't gonna you just ain't you ain't gonna love about that person some shit you can tolerate and some shit

you can't tolerate so it's one of those things where, look, you can land somewhere very amazing in this and be fulfilled in your quest to find someone uniquely positive, someone who's not negative, someone who don't always talk your ass into jumping off a ledge and shit. But someone who can talk you to stay on that fucking ledge and ride it out. But at the same time, they tell your ass, don't be clumsy and slip and fall anyway. You feel me? You feel me? So they care about your ass. But at the same time, they're going to talk you off that ledge. What's the type of shit that you don't want to deal with?

Wait, are you married? Are you married? Are you single? I'm happily married. You know what I mean? My wife and I have been together for, shit, damn near 20 years. Oh, 20 years. And we got an anniversary coming up.

We got married 7-7-0-7, but we've been together for a long time. So we got an anniversary coming up. So this year, and our last, so every seven years, we have our vow renewal. So our last one was seven years ago. So now we got another one coming up in July. We go by the sevens. Sevens is our number. See, you find something uniquely, something you love that you both love.

We both love sevens. We got married 7-7-07. My wife's birthday is May 7. See that? My birthday is December 16th. Six plus one is seven. See that? It's all about the goddamn seven.

If we could keep that seven theme going, see, it's little things like that that you find, these little nuances about people that really make you connect with them. You know what I mean? Even when you have a fight, you know you ain't going no fucking way. You know what I mean? But that's a good thing about being with someone. And there's nothing wrong with continually, continually finding something new about this person for the rest of your life. Why would you want to know every goddamn thing and you have nothing left?

You know, every once in a while you want someone to tell you some shit. Your eyebrows raise the fuck up like, oh, oh. And you nod your fucking head like, what? What? You never told me that shit. Oh, my God. You are a fucking fool. You know what I mean?

It keeps the spontaneity and the fun about your relationship. What's the last thing your wife told you that made your eyebrows raise? Oh, man. What did she tell me? One day my wife told me. What did she tell me? Oh, she told me how their neighborhood used to get flooded out and shit in Chicago. And all the kids were swimming in that fucking water that floated in the water.

I said, you some nasty motherfucking kids. Your kids are fucking disgusting. That's so funny. But I get it. I fucking get it. Where in Chicago is she from? Southside. Southside, yeah.

Stoney Island. Yeah. Oh, that's where my people are from. Look at that. Look at that. See, Chicago people are every goddamn way. You tell me, that's where my people are from. Look at that. Look at that. See, Chicago people are every goddamn way. You tell me, all you got to do is say what side of town, what part of town, what part

of Chicago. And Chi-town is just like as vast as it is. It's uniquely very- It's also very small. Very small. Yeah. How about that? That's so funny.

Swimming in the nasty ass water. That's the Southside. We find fun wherever you can. We ain't got no goddamn surfboards and shit. How did you meet your wife? Met my wife at a, this is Sophie. I'm telling you how shit works. My real name is Jerry.

I met my wife at Jerry's Diner here in LA. How about that? See? See how these little connections come? We actually met at a restaurant and it was crowded and I knew the maitre d'. And I was like, man, you got these ladies standing out there, man. I said, I'm going to get these ladies a seat. And we were already sitting down, me and my friends. And then I said, it's a seat right here. This whole table is open next to us. I said, get those ladies off that line, man.

So he went and got them, and they sat down. And she said, he told them that a gentleman over there wanted you guys to get off the line because he felt bad you guys standing here this long. So they said, thank you. And see, I'm very in the cut. Ladies don't like motherfuckers all over you know you a man by your drinking shit you can't get rid of this like a stray dog and shit I'm not I'm not no straight that damn dog I just let them have their seat I said you guys are welcome you know let them enjoy their meal enjoy their meal you know I'm saying so but initially before i got them to see my wife had actually walked past to go to the uh ladies

room and uh and then i said hello to her and she didn't really give me good energy she kind of like you know you know she you know ladies get hit on all the time but at that time at that time they didn't know that i was going to get to my seat either. And then on the way back, my buddy stopped her and said, excuse me, excuse me, my friend here said hello to you earlier and you didn't really give him a response. So she said hello and kept it moving. Then I got to my seat. They thanked me.

I said, you guys enjoy your meal. It was nice meeting you ladies. And we just proceeded to have our own combo and our own little meal. So we didn't, you know, I didn't fuck with the ladies. Yeah, you weren't bothering them. Nah, let them have their space. Let them enjoy their meal, you know. And then towards the end, you know, let's small talk here and there.

I checked on them, make sure they were good. You guys need anything else? Da, da, da, da. You know, and then towards the end, you know, let's small talk here and there. I checked on them, make sure they were good. You guys need anything else? Da, da, da, da. You know, and then towards the end, she said, thank you so much for helping us get a seat here. It was nice. You guys were so pleasant and so nice. And then I said, then this is where I hit her in the throat. I said, so where we going at on our first date?

Right in the fucking throat. Right to the fucking throat. Right to the Adam's apple. Right in the fucking throat. So where we going on our first date? See, I threw that on her ass, put pressure on her. Now the ball's on her court. She met a nice guy who didn't bug her. You know what I mean?

Shit. I look good and shit. Had my glasses on, had my little shirt button to the top and shit. I forgot what I had on that day, but I'm always fresh dressed like a man. Shit. I said, oh, so she said, oh, so we going out? I said, oh, so, she said, oh, so we going out?

I said, I hope so. You know, I think you're beautiful and I think you ladies, I just want to make sure you ladies had a great night tonight. I know you guys came

from a bachelorette party. So, I just wanted to make sure you guys had a great time. You know, and I felt bad you guys were standing out there on line.

You know, it just wasn't a good look with those beautiful heels and beautiful feet. See, little things, little nuances, little nuance, little turns of the screw and shit. I'm like, I'm like a fucking mad scientist. Little turns of the fucking screw.

See? And then we exchanged info. Then they went outside, you know, got the valet and shit. Had to get their ticket to the valet. By the time they got outside, we were all done with our meal. We walked outside. They were still waiting for their car. Now, this is the shit that, now this is the shit to me,

now this is the shit right here that took shit to another level. That's why I knew. I knew I had to get with our ass. So they all got in the car and shit, right? And they got the car and the valet. And then, you know, I saw her through the windshield.

She waved by and proceeded to make the most vicious U-turn in the middle of the fucking street. I said, motherfucker. That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Fuck that yellow ass line. Fuck that solid yellow line. Fucking a tight ass U-turn.

A fucking tight ass U-turn. Like, and took off. And was pew, god damn it. She was pew. So that's when I said, you know what? And then what I did was this, you know, unless she was heading home. So I left her a little voice message on her phone, on her home messaging system, said, you know, hey, this is JB, so make sure you got home safely. Looking forward to reconnecting.

Have a beautiful day tomorrow. Hung that motherfucker up. Let that shit marinate. Let that shit marinate. How long did it take for her to get back to you? Shit. Next day. What the fuck do you think happened?

Shit. I had that shit on rotisserie. I had that shit on rotisserie. See, I put shit on rotisserie. See, a lot of motherfuckers, they want microwave shit. They want fucking microwave shit. And you don't want no microwave fucking man. You want a rotisserie motherfucker.

I want a rotisserie man. You want a rotisserie man. You know what? I want to go to Boston Market and get me a rotisserie man. You want a rotisserie man. You want to be able to let that shit marinate. You want to baste that shit once in a while. Basting is, hey, how you doing?

Just checking on you, seeing how you doing just checking just just checking on you seeing how you how you doing looking forward to hanging out with you that's based that's based in that fucking that fucking rotisserie chicken basting is touching base not putting pressure on wind you know not not not not being not being fucking thirsty people out here yes thirsty they be thirsty don't be thirsty yes i'm very thirsty on both sides I'm very thirsty. On both sides. I'm very, very thirsty. I live in the Sahara. You're too fucking thirsty. That's where I'm at. No, you can't be thirsty. Before you met your wife, were you based in

women that you had little interest in? Is this a move that you were doing for everybody or only special ladies? Only special people get to base in the rotisserie. Okay. It's a different energy. Some people come after you. You come afterisserie. Okay. Because it's different energy. Some people come after you.

You come after some people. Some things are just what it is. Nightclub shit. You know, some shit is just, you know. You know the game. When the clubs are open, it was just like different. It was a different thing. You might dance with four or five dudes that night, right?

Unless this dude really giving you mad energy and you really feeling this person and he ain't and y'all sit down together in the club and y'all chilling see clubs are different it's too much it's too much shit that market is different

that's a different kind of market see you can shit the eyes wonder your eyes are looking his eyes are looking and shit people are partying

dancing having a good ass time you know it's a different it's a different scene. So the rotisserie and the basting is different. You met somebody at a museum

or a chance encounter or whatever it is. There's ways of feeling the energy of people. And I truly believe in this energy that people give off. It's called pheromones and shit. But it's like pheromones and shit? I think pheromones It's called pheromones and shit. But it's like pheromones and shit.

I think pheromones are smells. Pheromones. Yeah, exactly. You smell some shit that you don't even know you fucking smelled it because it's automatically into your senses, which trigger other things about your body that it triggers other shit. It triggers flirtiness, smirking, laughing, giggles. It just,

how many times you seen somebody and y'all just kind of can't get through the same doorway? And you go, and you fucking giggle your ass off. Excuse me. Look at us. Look at us.

That motherfucker like, oh shit, she got a nice little giggle. I made her laugh. I didn't even fucking say shit. Oh man. Then that giggle triggers pheromones, which activate him to giggle too. Like, yeah, you have a good day. You have a good day, lady.

Okay, so I got to be giggling. You have a good day, lady. Yeah. Don't change your shit and then get somebody and then you a different person. Be who the fuck you are. Let your personality come out. Because people see long-term in personality. They don't see long-term in a chance meeting.

They see a chance meeting as an opportunity to find someone uniquely in the same lane as them and think like them and enjoy spontaneity like they do. Where did you take your wife on your first date? Oh, man. I picked my wife up. I took her to – this is grounded shit. People need to see you are grounded, motherfucker. This is a while. This is a long time ago.

Grounded shit. People need to see you are grounded, motherfucker. This is a while. This is a long time ago. This is in the struggle times of fucking LA, of being a comedian struggling comic in LA. Put your money in the right places. This is funny shit. So I took my wife to the promenade out here in Santa Monica.

Santa Monica, yeah. A little shopping area down there. We were going to go to the movies and shit. But I always loved the promenade. You know why? Because you can walk, you see people. People watch. People are juggling and doing tricks and shit in the middle of the fucking thing. And that's a good way to see if you're, like, on the same page.

Because you're just like, ooh. Because I love people watching. I love pointing things out, being like, ooh, that person. Ooh, they got a swag. Pick somewhere that's visually appealing to you both. That way, all the pressure's not on you to

get everything at one time. You can laugh. You can enjoy things. You can get an ice cream cone and just walk through the promenade. There's no car traffic. You can just enjoy the walk and talk. Then, this is some cool shit right here. can just enjoy the walk and talk. You know what I mean?

And then, this is some cool shit right here. Here's what the fuck I did. So I had a little something-something on layaway at motherfucking Wilson's Leather. Okay. So I took my Wilson's Leather. Layaway. A little layaway. I had a little something-something over there, a little hat that I loved.

And I put $5 on that. I put like $20 on that motherfucker the last time I was at the promenade. So I said, you know what? I don't want to pick it up today. I'm just going to throw another $25 on that motherfucker. It was like a $200 hat. This shit was fucking dope, though. Fucking nice-ass hat.

Do you still have it? It's somewhere. It's somewhere in a box somewhere. But it was like one of those leather caps, you know, the nice-ass leather with the nice, whew, bam, you know, one of those joints. So I went in there. I said, I'm going to go ahead and put a little something on this real quick. You know, that's grounded.

That means that I'm going to show you who the fuck I am right now. I don't need that hat right now. I'm going to wait until I find the right jacket to go with that hat. I don't need to bring that hat home right now. You know? I just put a little something on just so that he could hold it for me. Just in case I change my fucking mind. See?

I didn't want to buy the hat and be mad as hell that it didn't match what I had. So I put a little something on it. And my wife was like, I said, I put a little something on. I said, I want something on this layaway that I got over here. You said you were wearing a layaway. Sometimes got over here you wear they say they wear layaway sometimes that's a red flag someone's like this motherfucker

ain't got no money he putting shit on layaway but what that did was it showed character that I didn't give a fuck I'm putting five dollars on this motherfucker because I'm being

I'm being very cautious in this with this hat this hat is a very unique hat and you gotta match shit up with the right thing I need the right boots to go with this hat

I need a lot of things to go with this hat i gotta buy i gotta piece this together like a puzzle so my wife found that to be fucking hilarious that i went in that damn wilson's leather with her and i put another 20 on that hat and that just shows and we talk about that we laugh at that all the time you know we tell the story how we met and we talk about the first date and she mentioned that i put went in wil Wilson's leather and put a little something on that damn hat. A little something, an additional little payment on that little layaway I had with that goddamn hat. See? Not shit.

I know who the fuck I am. So did you give yourself the nickname Smooth, JV Smooth? Who came up with that? You know what? i used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew back in the days did not know that don't get me now talking about my my hip-hop heyday you know please i'd like to hear about it not telling my age but god damn it i'm up there so you're talking about how old are you 39 no i'm 55 oh so i i was i know everything you can think about hip-hop you asked me any any major uh milestone in new york any major concert i was fucking dead i used to pop i used to pop

lock at the rock seat everything i still got the wave i still got my little wave stuff i'm nice with it i'm still good you know i used to be in a skate crew a roller skating crew i used to be in a i used to carry records for my fucking cousin who to be a dj can you still roller skate fuck yeah i'm nice can you do tricks and shit oh i do the crazy legs my wife loves my do the crazy legs you know the crazy legs right uh-huh i do the crazy legs oh i'm still i'm still nice on my roller skate i can't roller skate it's so hard you gotta this is this is things you got to get down with now

because roller skating is making a huge comeback I know I have a skate gang where I've been learning how to skate it is it's hard

but I've been I've been trying these are also places you can meet amazing men you know who are they do you know how great it is

for a lady not to know how to skate backwards really good? And some dude going to teach you how to skate backwards. And when a man teaches you how to skate backwards, he got to be behind you. Your booty is in his crotch. His arm is right under them. His arm is across your belly under them breasts. And every time you slide down, that forearm hit them breasts

and he got to pull you up a little bit. See? And you feel safe. And one hand, you're going to have one hand. You're going to hand him that hand. That one arm is going to be out. And it's a bounce. Bounce. It's all a rhythm. Bam. Bam. Bam. It's just a bounce. Double bounce on each

side. You know? One leg goes back. One leg goes forward. That's all it is. Oh, my God. He's going to be whispering in your fucking ear. You got it, boo. You got it, baby. You got it. Just take your time.

You're going to take your time. Because if you don't take your time, you're both going to fucking fall. See? You're both going to fall. So you have to concentrate and let him drive that car. Let him drive that goddamn car. See? So, yes, I'm roller skating king.

I'm still nice with it. I'm still good. Don't worry about that. Okay. You name it. I have seen it. I've done it. You name anybody from back in the days, I was at their concerts, all that shit.

All those concerts. I was there. Run DMC, Fat Boys, you name it. You name it. Rock Steady Crew. I seen everybody live. Everybody live. Rock Steady was an amazing hip hop dance troupe.

You name it. I was there. So, yes. For someone with no rhythm, how does one find rhythm? See, I just said it. You find rhythm by finding someone who has rhythm. Rhythm can be acquired if you have the right- Oh, it can?

Oh, yes, indeed. You just need the right person to slow you the fuck down. See, your brain going faster than your legs. That's what's happening. I mean, that truly sounds- That's what really happened. You would think your brain is going slower than your legs because your rhythm fucked up. But they're not connected right now.

You got to connect those. This is a tool that you are going to be using in dating. You have to have a little something, something. And even if you don't have the rhythm, right? You don't really need rhythm. You just got to know how to work with the fuck you got. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes people, you can stand still and not move your fucking feet.

Hold your arms halfway up and just whop, whop, whop, whop, back and forth a little something, something. That's all you got to do. And you put that smile on their ass. That's all you got to do. And look them up and down. Look at the motherfucking shoes. And look that motherfucker up to his belt

and look at that motherfucking chin. Look at his chin. Don't look him dead in the eyes. Don't look him in the eyes? Don't get nervous and shit. If you look at their chin, they know you're looking

at their lips. They motherfucking love when you look at their motherfucking lips. Look them in the eye. Look them in the eye. It's too much pressure looking at the motherfucker

in the eye because you assuming that at some point this motherfucker going to start lying about something. So don't look him dead in the eye. Look at that motherfucker. Look at his chin. That way, his eyeline thinks you're looking at his lips, and that motherfucker going to immediately lick his motherfucking lips.

He going to go, girl, you tripping. He going to say that shit. He going to lick his motherfucking lips because's going to be looking at his goddamn lips. If you look him in the eye, you're putting pressure on this motherfucker. And he's going to think, oh shit, she sees some shit in me. I got to straighten my shit up. Okay, this is a treat to learn.

I'm telling you. When do I get to look at his eyes? When do I get to look at the eyes? Look at the eyes when you are in control. When you are fucking driving. When you are driving, you look him in the fucking eyes. Driving? You got him on the couch.

He's laying there. You want to lay on top of him. Okay. And that's when you look him in the eyes. Because now you're driving this motherfucking car. You're driving. So wait, I'm driving? He's not driving?

No. When you look him in the eyes, you are fucking driving. Okay. Yes. In turn, he will see that you are an eye person, and then he will follow your lead. He's chasing you. You're not chasing him. See, that's my issue.

I feel like I chase people. You fucking chase him too goddamn much. You got to be intriguing. You got to be intriguing to people. my issue i feel like i chase people fucking chasing too goddamn much you gotta you gotta be intriguing you gotta you gotta be intriguing to people so i gotta be giggly and mysterious and look at his lips oh those lips and then don't move yeah don't move my feet look them up and down until you get your rhythm together grab ground them fucking feet someplace. Okay. And let them shoes work. I know you wear nice, cute little heels.

Let them fucking heels do what they got to do. Okay. Heels ain't good when they moving around. They too. Don't be moving them fucking heels every goddamn where. Heels, they are the most beautiful when they are stationary. Okay. And you let that calf work. Let that fucking calf and that ankle work.

Woo! Wait! Don't worry about moving them goddamn feet everywhere. You ain't gonna be doing the goddamn running man and some fucking heels. Let them heels

do what they got to do. Quick. Heels are very quiet. They fucking quiet. They quiet. Heels are quiet. They supposed to be quiet. They supposed to be the thing

the guy looks down and, oh, shit, look at those motherfucking heels. No, look at them calves in them fucking heels, basically. Okay. But I got big calves. You think people are going to get upset? It don't fucking matter. Okay, they're going to like the big calves? Because when you're in heels, it forces

the calf muscle to flex. You understand? It flexes because you are on your tippy toes, which in turn forces your leg to flex. You understand? It flexes because you are on your tippy toes, which in turn forces your leg to flex. You understand? Your legs are going to flex because you are

on your tippy toes. That's basically what fucking heels are. You're walking around on your goddamn tippy toes. Uh-huh. And that causes the fucking muscle

in the calf to flex. Okay. Which in turn shows tone. And it's going to pop. It's going to pop and pulsate a little bit. That's all a shoe is. A shoe is not made for fucking clicking, clicking, clacking around all fucking day. They're made to be still and let that toe work.

Let that fucking shoe work. Cross that fucking leg across one leg. When you're standing there, when you're poised, when you're standing around in a party, you put one leg over the other and you point that fucking right toe. You point that motherfucker a little bit. Oh, shit. God damn it. Oh, boy. Don't get me started.

Don't get me fucking started. This seems like a lot of work. I feel like I'm going to be creeping around a party on my tippy toes, looking everybody up and down, looking at their chins, giggling. You look at that goddamn chin and giggle? I'm telling you something. I'm telling you, it's the sexiest shit in the world. Don't look a motherfucker in the eye the whole time. Look like a fucking weirdo and shit when you stare at somebody in the fucking eyes the whole fucking time.

You can't do it. You can't fucking do it. People get nervous. They look away because they get nervous. You're looking into their fucking soul. Uh-huh. Okay, so don't look at their soul. I'm looking at the chin.

I'm too... Look at the chin. And, you know, just admire the lips and the chin. See that? Oh. And if you do have to go up a little bit, just go to the bridge of the nose. Don't fucking... Okay.

Right at the tip of the fucking nose. Don't fucking... Tip of the nose. Don't look at the fucking dead, dead, dead goddamn eye. Okay. Woo. All right. You make a motherfucker fumble the ball.

They fumble the fucking ball. You look them in the eye. They fumble the fucking ball and say the wrong shit. Okay. Because now you got them eye. Okay. Woo. All right. You make a motherfucker fumble the ball. They fumble the fucking ball. You look them in the eye. They fumble the fucking ball and say the wrong shit. Because now you got them on. Because they feel nervous. Like you're interrogating their ass. Okay. So no interrogation.

You got a fucking light over their ass. Like in all those fucking movies and shit. When the cops are interrogating somebody's ass. This ain't first 48. This ain't first 48. You understand? This ain't first 48. This ain't first 48. You understand? This ain't first 48. Okay.

This is last 48. This is last 48. It ain't first 48. Real quick, we have to take a break. Tell me about your new podcast, May I Elaborate? Daily Wisdom with J.B. Smooth. This is uniquely. So the energy that I'm giving you today is basically what I'm giving to people out there in the world.

I feel like I have a unique voice, a unique perspective on things, and I'm good at keeping that shit 100. So what I did was we had this amazing podcast called May I Elaborate? So what I do is this. I take these amazing self-help calendars or these little daily calendars with affirmations, positive affirmations in them, and amazing quotes, Zen books, and a year of gratitude. You know, these calm and carry on. These are some unique calendars where you can tear off each day. You can look through your calendar. It's kind of like checking your horoscope every day. This is a uniquely amazing idea because I can take quotes that are in these books and people read quotes all the time, but sometimes they get a little confused about what the meaning, true meaning is.

Because a quote is to create these moments in your mind where you are at crossroads. So sometimes these crossroads are very difficult to get across to a regular person who just reads them. They read them. They sound profound. But what the fuck do they really mean? So what I do myself, and I have my co-host, Miles. Miles reads me a quote from a calendar. And I dissect it.

I dissect it. I elaborate on it. and I open it up. I just open it up and allow the listener to understand the true meaning of this said quote. You understand? Okay. So it's very fun, but it's also in the flavor of J.B. Smoove. And I go sideways. I make a hard left sometimes.

But sometimes I take the long way around. Because sometimes you need to ride. You need to ride sometimes. You know? Motherfuckers want to drive all the goddamn time. I tell my listeners to sit the fuck down somewhere. I say sit the fuck down. A lot of people shake shit out of you.

I shake shit into you. You feel me? Mm-hmm. Okay. I say sit the fuck down. A lot of people shake shit out of you. I shake shit into you. You feel me? Mm-hmm. Okay. I found a quote for you to elaborate on. Oh, shit. So here is a quote.

It's from A.A. Mine, who's an author and a poet. You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. I mean, that's pretty straightforward. Let's see if I can find one that you can truly interpret. Key words here. You said braver. You said smarter. Okay.

And stronger. And stronger. These are the key words. Brave, smarter, and stronger. These are the three words that you want to fuck around with. They're telling you that you are all these things. And what's the last line? The last line, well, it says

you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. I love that shit. See, people need reinforcements. This shit right here is reinforcing what the fuck you should be doing in your fucking life all the time. You should be,

saying you're smarter means that we're hoping that you make the right decisions on every fucking thing. Not book smart. Fuck book smart. Are you love smart? Are you sex smart? Are you street smart? Those are fucking... Those are the smarts that you really fucking need, you know, in your life.

Fuck that book. Book smart is cool. But book smart ain't gonna get you to survive. Book smart is not survival, you know, in your life. Fuck that book. Book smart is cool, but book smart ain't going to get you to survive. Book smart is not survival, you know. Those other smarts are the ones you fucking really need. Oh, man. Smart in the moment. Smart in your fucking movements. Smart in choosing a relationship.

Who the fuck you going to be with the rest of your goddamn life? Smart in bed, goddammit. you going to be with the rest of your goddamn life? Smart in bed, goddammit. You got to be smart in bed to breathe some fucking energy that somebody's giving off and shit. Oh man,

nothing worse than getting someone who's dumb as fucking bed don't know what the fuck they're doing in that goddamn bed. They need a fucking dunce cap to sit in the goddamn corner. Well, how are you smart in bed? Smart is this.

It's not a fucking race. It's not a fucking race, It's not a fucking race. I promise you. It's a fucking marathon. The more sensual, the more slow this is, this process is, you are appreciating this person's body, their fucking mind, their fucking tongue, their lips, every fucking thing you can think of. You fucking love it. You're exploring. This is the time to explore and shit.

Woo! This is the time to find the little spots, the little nuances that someone, that they, ooh, oh, you like when I do that? Oh, you like when I do that? Okay, okay. Woo. Now, you have become a fucking

professor at this shit. You have become a professor of this person's fucking body. Fuck me, man. Shit. Fuck around and get a surprise quiz on that fucking body one night. You got to make sure you pass that shit. You want to get 100 on that motherfucker. Get a quiz.

The quiz is this. You got to fucking remember what the fuck you did last time. Like a goddamn golf swing. Look, golf is a hard ass sport. Is it? When you hit that motherfucking ball and that shit goes straight, all you got to remember is what the fuck you just did. That's the hardest thing to repeat is some shit you just did. You go hit that fucking ball, that ball goes straight.

Oh shit, I hit that motherfucker. You're so excited. But do you remember what the fuck you did earlier to make this lady tingle? To make her go, ooh. Do you remember what the fuck you did last time? You got to be fucking sexual smart. Sexually smart and fucking big. Strong means this.

Strong means you got to know when to fucking move on. If strength lies in your thinking and how much you can fucking tolerate and having confidence in your goddamn self to move the fuck on. Oh, shit, man. Know what I say sometimes? What?

You got to have a job to find a fucking job. You feel me? Because you know what the fuck you want. You got to have a, sometimes you got to have a person in your life already to find another motherfucker. You feel me? Like they say, in Thanksgiving, you got to eat before you eat.

That's what they say. You got to eat before you eat. That means your belly got to get prepped for all this goddamn food that you're about to consume. Can't find nobody. Hey, I'll tell you something. It's hard to find a motherfucker if you ain't got no fucking body. It's hard. Sometimes it's harder

because you don't know what the fuck you're looking for because you have nothing to compare this shit to. But see, if you got a motherfucker already, and this motherfucker ain't, he might be,

he ain't fully what the fuck you're looking for. But guess what? Now you got comparables. Comparables, they do that shit in neighborhoods, in real estate.

You need comparables to see what the value of your motherfucking house is. You need comparables to find the value of you to other motherfuckers. Woo, shit, don't get me started, girl. Woo. And you're brave enough to move the fuck on when shit ain't right. Some people, some ladies, I'm applying this to relationships. Brave means this.

Are you brave enough to think, some people think, some people will say this shit to you on the way out. You ain't going to find nobody better than me.

You ain't going to find nobody like me that say that shit. But you got to be brave enough to say, ha ha, you motherfucker. Kind of like Denzel Washington

in Training Day. Ha ha, you bitch made motherfuckers. Ooh, you shot me in the ass. See? You got to have that you shot me in the ass moment. You shot me in the ass. You got to be able to take that shit, that bravery, that fucking smartness and that strongness and put that shit all together.

God damn it You put a bow on that motherfucker Now you are the most powerful person in this shit You fucking running this shit You driving the motherfucking car Shit You looking at motherfuckers chins and shit You doing that shit

You making motherfuckers look like they got them lips That's what I'm saying So this quote is amazing Because what it's doing is empowering Empowering you To think outside of your situation. It's making you, it's just putting a button on, it's putting a button to allow you to think about these three things in your life, in your movement, in every fucking decision you goddamn make. Whether it's your occupation, whether it's your relationship, whether it's the confidence you have in you.

If your ass ain't got no confidence, you're going to be weak. If you ain't got no confidence, you're going to be dumb. If you ain't got no confidence, you're going to be fucking scared to do anything. Your bravery is out the fucking window. You got to be all these things.

You got to wrap all this shit in a bow and this is what the fuck you need right here to carry on through your goddamn life. Woo! You got to be able to do all these things. That's a really good quote, man. God damn it. I got another one.

Let's see if you can apply this to relationships. Oh, shit. You're putting me to the goddamn test today. Okay. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. you can apply this to relationships. Oh, shit. You're putting me to the goddamn test today. Okay. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Hmm.

Opportunity doesn't knock. You build a door. You know what? I like these kind of quotes. Opportunity. Yeah. Doesn't. Doesn't knock.

Mm-hmm. Does not knock. Hmm. build a door I say I say this now here's the thing about fucking doors

there's a lot of fucking doors out there you gotta choose which door it is there's elevator doors these motherfuckers open like this and close the fuck up they got a certain time

they open see they got a time they got a certain time they open. See? They got a time. They got a fucking time on that motherfucker. It might be 10 seconds. You got 10 seconds to get the fuck out of that door. See?

That's different. See, it's different kind of doors. It's a subway door. Right? You ever travel to Atlanta? You ever travel to Atlanta, Georgia? And you go to that fucking turn and what that fucking door says? Doors do not spring back or rebound.

Doors do not stop. It says stop. Doors do not spring back Or rebound Doors do not stop It says stop Doors do not rebound Or spring back That means You're fucking trying to run with your roller bag And that shit says stop You better fucking stop You start running to that goddamn thing

And that 10 seconds up That motherfucker starts closing And guess what What did they say Doors do not spring back or rebound. One of you motherfuckers ain't going to make it. Either your bag going to get stuck out there, you're going to try to pull that bitch through, and you're going to let that bag go because you can't get the shit through the fucking door

because the shit said stop and you kept fucking going. This quote is partly about being a hard-headed motherfucker. There's all kinds of doors. There's doggy doors and shit. You want to build a fucking doggy door? You want to build a little ass doggy door? You want to build a fucking project door? You want a little peek hole in the motherfucker? What kind of door is this? Now, I'd apply different kinds of doors to different types of opportunity now you can build a door of course but now here's what makes the opportunity come you got to carry that door every fucking way you go the door ain't real it's not a physical door it's a mental door it's a fucking

they talking about a mental door right here a a fucking door you can carry around, that's what the fuck it is, it is not your fucking house door, this door exists, and you gotta be willing to open that motherfucker, when you fucking have to, now, number one thing they say that fucks people up, you know, is when they open the fucking door, and you have somebody open your fucking door, and somebody knocking on your door, and these motherfuckers just go and open the door. Hey, motherfucker. Hey. Don't open that fucking door.

Don't you open that goddamn door. You look. Ask who the fuck it is. Ask who the fuck it is first. See? This shit don't say nothing like that. You're going to build a goddamn door. You can build all the doors you fucking want.

But if you don't know when to open that bitch, it don't matter. If your ass ain't home, how about you ain't fucking home? You got a fucking brand new ass door you just built and you ain't fucking home. Or your fucking radio too goddamn loud. Oh, man. When people have opportunity, the main thing is this, It's to listen for the fucking door. Not fucking building a door. Anybody can build a fucking door.

Anybody can build a goddamn door. But if you don't know when to open the bitch, it don't fucking matter. You understand? It don't matter. If you don't know when to open that motherfucker and who to open the bitch for, who to open the shit for, sometimes you pretend you ain't even fucking home.

You know what I'm saying You can be beating the pico Oh shit You tiptoe back to the couch and sit the fuck down And turn the TV down Cause you don't want this motherfucker That opportunity to know you fucking home God damn it Don't get me started girl

You don't want that motherfucker to know you home You ain't gonna answer that fucking door You ain't gonna answer that goddamn door Cause you don't want that motherfucker to know you're home. You ain't going to answer that fucking door. You ain't going to answer that goddamn door because you don't want that motherfucker to know you're home. Opportunity knocks. It don't mean you got to fucking answer the fucking door. That's because you build a door. It don't mean you got to open the motherfucker.

That might not be the right opportunity for you. Doors do not spring back or rebound. Fucking love that shit. Well, I mean, on that note, I think we've come to the end, JB. Thank you so much for being here. I ask all my guests this. Would you date me? Fuck yeah, I would.

I'd date your ass. Oh, I love it so much. We'll fuck around and change glasses and shit like that. Cute ass shit. Now you nearsighted to my far side and I'm farsighted to your nearsight. See? See how that is? Oh, yeah.

And we both walk around blind in the motherfucker walking into shit. Get laughing our ass off. See? Look at us. We switch glasses and shit. We're going to get killed. We're going to fucking fall down fast. But that's the cute shit that people love. Cute ass shit like

that, you know? Mm-hmm. So yeah. So this is Tis What It Ties, they say. Tis What It Ties. Girl, you're the bomb. Oh, thank you.

I dig your energy. I dig your passion for love and life. And that's what the fuck it's all about. God damn it. Oh, thank you. That's what it's all about. And may I elaborate? Daily Wisdom with J.B. Smooth.

It's available Monday through Friday wherever you get your podcasts. It's going to be fucking awesome. Thank you so much for being here. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. It's going to be fucking awesome. Thank you so much for being here. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. And if you want me to read something dirty where you hit on me, you can do that. This person says, I want to live in between your butt cheeks in a tent. And when the sun goes down, start a fire and get this weenie roasting.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream.

What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.