Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Being The Only One Left (w/ Michael Cruz Kayne)

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

Comedian Michael Cruz Kayne's dating strategy involves being the only guy left available. He joins Nicole to explain the approach and the success that's come with it.  They also discuss how race affects relationships, moving on from them, and his experience getting hit on by the rich kids and moms he was private tutoring. Nicole wishes she was a ~woman~.Season 2 of A Good Cry returns March 9th. Listen to Nicole's episode here. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why oh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could buy me a bunch of clothes and throw them all out the window and say, now you're an outside clothes bitch. Oh boy, that one was tough. Let's see if i can come up with a different one okay keep it keep it okay i'll keep it okay my guest today is a p bopty award-winning comedian and writer he's the host of a good cry a podcast about grief which is returning for season two

also i think we were on a herald team together in new york city or maybe not we're going to hear us team together for like two for it was a very brief period of time i think you came on right as i was like i'm not doing this anymore it's michael How are you? I am living the dream every day, Nicole. How are you? Listen, I'm good. I worked out today, which I did not enjoy. I don't like working out. I think it's bad. I don't understand why we have to do it.

Do we have to? Do we have to do it? Kind of. understand why we have to do it do we have to do we have to do it kind of like if you want to keep your mobility and um and like other stuff i don't know i'm not a scientist i don't know why it's good for you i just know like it's good for you allegedly enough people have said that it's good for you that you feel like they must be right yeah but also maybe they're not i don't know i just know that i get like, what are them called? Endorphins or whatever.

I like feel good after. Uh-huh. But during, is it not hellacious? What kind of working out are you doing? So I have a trainer. His name is Ben. He's been my trainer for about 10 years. Ooh, yum, yum, hot Ben.

Yeah, he just had a baby. He lives in England. He's doing great. Wait, what do you mean he lives in England? What are you talking about? After Trump won, he was like, y'all are crazy. I'm getting out of here. Because he's Scottish?

No. Swedish? No, he's Scottish. One of them. So then he went to London. And he trained you on Zoom yeah wow yeah and we've been doing it like that for a while i guess since the pandemic there's something about training i did train like physical therapy on zoom for a little bit at one point and i found it like pretty humiliating

why i was like well it would have been humiliating in person, too. But I, like, had a problem with my ankle. And the dude was like, okay, you have to get on all fours. And I couldn't really get the camera in the right place so he could see me. So he was like, could you get on your bed? So I'm like, on my bed, on all fours. It just felt like this should be happening in a different space. I shouldn't be. Well, that sounds vaguely sexual.

Can you get on all fours and get on your bed and then show me what's going on? That is what it was like. I felt used. Wait, I have a question. Go. Speaking of sex, you're married. I am indeed. You nailed it.

How long have you been married? Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Okay. It is 2023 and it's about to be march i think i think it's about to be 14 years i think that's correct could be about 15 years time so wait how did you guys meet we met waiting tables at car mines in in Times Square, New York City. And I don't know if you've ever been there, but it's an amazing place. The food comes out in what can only be described as a trough.

The clientele is from hell. And it's delicious Italian food that is like 85% garlic. There's no way to leave not feeling like you're going to throw up. I've been there before. Yeah, I mean, it's a great place to go if you are going with 600 or 700 people. But if you go by yourself or even with like four people, there's nothing you can order that's like not an assault on your digestive system i can't remember what i ordered maybe it was like lasagna or something last time

i was there but i remember it being too much food and i was like how on earth is anybody supposed to eat this one fucking serving yeah and i eat a lot i mean i eat I eat way too much food. I always do. And that's a place where I'm like, no, this can't be done. It's not possible to achieve what's being asked of me here. So you met your wife slopping around heaps of food. And you were like, boy, this strong woman who could carry these huge fucking plates is for me. So walk me through. Who hit on who?

Who talked to who first? Did you start out as friends? What happened? Okay, so my move always, and with any woman I've ever dated, has been, and this is like something I'd recommend to anyone, gradually being the only person left.

Just like eroding. I mean, like I've never known how to approach someone I was attracted to pretty much in my entire life. So instead it's just kind of like being around long enough that they're like, oh, you know what? What about maybe this guy? And so I had a, don't tell her that

I said this because this is a debate that we have like who is into who first, but I was like pretty. I've already texted him. I'm telling her already. My little fast fingies are fingering. That's weird. That was too much. She, I was like, kind of like way, way too much into her very early on. She was dating. She moved up here from North Carolina. She was dating a dude, um, that she did not want to keep dating. God bless him. I'm sure he's doing wonderfully and well for himself, but it was clear that that was like not a relationship that was working out. So I was just

kind of like around all the time trying to spend as much time with her as possible and hoping that eventually she'd be like, oh, you know what? This guy's funny and not horrible. Maybe I should try dating him. And it worked. And it worked. 79 years later, here we are. Do you remember, okay. Do you remember like when you first were like, hey, listen. Listen, lady. I fucking like you. I remember that we were doing a thing where like I would go and I would like go and hang out. So there's a group of four of us.

Two dudes, two gals. And we would hang out together all the time. We were all hired at Carmine's at pretty much the same time. And we would all hang out like at my apartment, which was nearby or, you know, whoever's apartment. And gradually that became something where like sometimes it would just be two of us. So like Carrie and I eventually were hanging out at her apartment. And at one point I slept in the bed with her, but we didn't like, nothing happened at all. And she remembers that evening

that I kissed her between her shoulder blades in the middle of the night, and then nothing else happened. I have no recollection of that, but it's possible. I've done weirder things in my sleep. Did she, was she like, hey, about last night, you kissed me between my shoulder blades.

Or did she bring that up years and years later? Like, a long time afterward. It was like, yeah, I think that was the moment where I was like, oh, I knew that you really liked me. And it's like, oh, I don't think I did that. But it's also possible that my subconscious mind was like, bro, you gotta do something. Gotta make a move. Even if it's this incredibly weird thing, you gotta do something.

But I gotta say, it's nice that you kissed her, she didn't reciprocate, and then you went, oh, okay, nevermind. I won't try to do anything else, which is good. Yes. If there's no response to a move, that's what you gotta do. You gotta go, okay, I retreat. I'm not gonna do anything else. I'm gonna dial this back. else, which is good. Yes. If there's no response to a move, that's what you got to do. You got to

go, okay, I retreat. I'm not going to do anything else. I'm going to dial this back. I'm going to literally erase it from my memory, in fact. Okay. Are you a serial monogamist? Like, is this your longest relationship? Or have you had a relationship that was like just as long? Well, it's massively my longest relationship for sure because we've been together for so long. But I think I am sort of a serial monogamous. Like, I've been in several, before I got married, I was in several long-term-ish relationships, right? When you're like in your 20s, long-term is what? Like a year, a couple of years? I was in a few of those. To me of those long term is anything more than six months

okay well in that case i have been in several long-term relationships yes even like i because like the way that i get into relationships is very like i don't make a move and the way i get out of relationships is i just like wait for it to become totally intolerable to both people like i pretty much don't break up. I never have like really like broke up with someone. It was more just like, oh, it is impossible for this to keep going. So wait. Okay.

So if things are impossible to keep going and you don't break up with people, then do they break up with you? How does – somebody has to be breaking up. Yeah. I guess now that you mention it, that is probably true. What, how did any of those relationships end? I think it was, I think I just waited for the other person to be like this, I can't do this anymore.

Even though maybe in those relationships, I was the one who initially was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I though maybe in those relationships, I was the one who initially was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I wouldn't say that. I didn't have the guts to say it. So just like let the relationship gradually degrade. It is not a cool move in any way, shape or form. No. That would make me so sad to have someone just be like, stop answering me or whatever. It made a lot of people sad and angry and justifiably so. And if any of them are listening, which they're not, I'm so sorry. You don't know. They could be big old fans of mine. You don't know.

That's right. They're probably huge fans of yours. Like, oh, that fuck face that I dated for six months in one day is on her podcast. Well, here's another question. I dated for six months and one day is on her podcast. Well, here's another question. Okay, go. Okay, so if you're with someone for like a year or whatever, or maybe two years, how do you get over them? How do you just like forget about somebody that you talk to like every fucking day?

I don't understand how people move on from relationships. Oh, so, okay, so pretty much every relationship I had before the one I'm in right now, when the relationship ended, I was the one who wanted it to end. You know what I mean? Even though I wasn't the one who had, I didn't have the guts to call it. So every relationship ended, I was over it already until I found out anybody had a new boyfriend. And then I was an emotional basket case.

Because sort of in my mind, it's like, no, no, no, no, no. You stay in love with me forever. I move on. But you pine for me for the rest of your life. And whenever I found out that wasn't true, which, of course, it never was. They always had the absolute audacity to move on to somebody else. I found it very hard. Like, it would, like, send me – I would be, like, in a tailspin else, I found it very hard. Like it would like send me,

I'd be like in a tailspin of like, wait, I don't understand because part of my identity is being adored by this person. And that has stopped. And so it always makes me incredibly sad. Oh my God. Do you think you're codependent or were codependent?

I don't even really know what that means, but probably. Okay. So I'm going to fuck this up. People are going to come for me in the comments. They're going to be like, this bitch is telling lies on her podcast. From what I understand, codependency is like you take value in yourself based on your partner or whatever. So you're like, this person loves me, so I'm a good person.

And then when that person stops loving you, you're like, oh no, am I a good person? Ah, I don't know what's going on. Listen, I'm about 20 minutes into this hour-long presentation that this lady has on codependency, and this is what I've gathered from the little bits that I've watched. What I would say is, based on your description of codependency,

absolutely yes. I think more people are codependent than they realize. I think. I would say that I have an unhealthy. What I would say is that if I'm ever in a relationship in the person that I'm with, at this point my wife, but prior anybody else, and they are mad at me, it does make me go, oh, I'm terrible.

Interesting. I'm a bad, it challenges my entire sense of self. And honestly, it can be about pretty minute shit. It doesn't have to be like, you know, I think you're a racist. It can be like, so you just don't, you just like, don't take out the garbage. And I'm like, oh my God, I don't take out the fucking garbage. I'm a person, I'm self, I'm a person who doesn't think like I do I will go all the way I take I take any I have an ability to take any kind of criticism however minute and turn it into a devastating annihilation

of my entire character is that what we're talking about a little bit i kind of am i spiraling right now no no no no this is what love is love is spiraling i don't know the longer i search for love in all the wrong places the more i'm like i don't know if it's ever gonna happen for me uh which is that's okay i read this huffington post article about this lady who was like i'm now uh i'm excusing myself from the dating scene i'm 45 it's not gonna happen for me that's okay i'm just gonna get real comfy cozy with myself and marry myself and i was like maybe that's what i gotta do isn't that the part of the rom-com where she meets the guy the next day? The next day, that's when it's like, she writes the article. It's like, I'm done. I'm not dating anyone.

And then the next day she falls down a staircase and the EMT who gets her is, that's the guy. I wish it happened like that. I swear off men and dating and people almost every day. And then one fateful day in 2020, I fell right down my stairs and there were six men and not one of them wanted to date me. Six men came to take me out of my home and nobody wanted me. But is it hard? I mean, you're also pretty famous. So is it hard? Like, does that make dating real weird in a lot of ways that regular people can't

identify with? Listen, I'm mildly successful and straight men love to remind me of that. They love going, never heard of you one time, maybe once on Conan, but that's about it. Um,

it is like a little hard. So I was on, I've talked about this a little bit. So I was on this app called field field is like a little hard. So I was on, I've talked about this a little bit. So I was on this app called Field. Field is like a kink app. It's like couples or you just like straight up say what your kinks are or whatever. And everybody I spoke to on that app was like, I know who you are. And for me, it was just like a little jarring to just like at first be like, I know exactly who you are. Because then while we're talking, I'm like, oh, you already have expectations and I'm not comfortable.

And then on Tinder, sometimes people know who I am. I don't do Bumble. Bumble's not good for me. Raya. Nobody knows who I am on Raya, which is kind of ironic. But yeah, nobody ever knows who I am on Raya. Raya's awful. And what else am I on? I think that's it. Oh, and Hinge. Hinge is fine. Wow, good.

That was like a 30-second critique of all the apps. You got every app in. I'm on all of them. They're all terrible. Do you have single friends? I'm on all of them. They're all terrible. Do you have single friends?

The only single friends I have are poor dirtbags. I wouldn't set anyone up with any of the guys that I know. I hope none of my guy friends are listening right now. Because if you are and you're a single friend of mine, I think you're a dirtbag. Oh, no. Are they all improvisers? They all pretty much. All the guys who are single are pretty much dudes that I know from, like, the improv world.

The guys that I know from, like, other jobs that I had, those people are all married and have a billion children. You have two kids, right? I got kids. Oh, yeah, baby. How old are they? My son is 13, and my daughter is 10.

Wait, and you've been with your wife for 14 years? No, no, we got married 14 years ago. Oh, wait, how long have you been together total? Oh my gosh. I think, honest to God, I think like 20 years, 21 years, which is crazy. Can I say what's really crazy about that? I'm 26. That's wild. You got together when you really crazy about that? I'm 26. That's wild. You got together when you were six years old?

Yes. Wow. It is like, and a lot of people frown on that, like the woke left or whatever. The woke left frowned on child labor, slinging trays of lasagna at six years old, getting married at six, or getting together at six. That's nuts. That's wild. But it worked out for us. Truly, truly wild. What a dream. That is such a long time. Okay. Have you ever

looked at your wife and been like, that's been too long? I'm kidding. I think that's a running joke in our home. I would say anytime that there's even a slight bit of friction, that's a joke that often makes its way to the surface from either one of us. That's a, that's a, a commonly used refrain. Like we've had a good run, something like that.

I think that's a funny joke to use. Um, so wait, okay. So you spent the pandemic together, obvskies, but like during the pandemic at any point where you like, Oh my God,

we're spending too much time together. This is bad. I must escape um weirdly no if i may say sorry god this is gonna be tough for people to hear but our relationship is perfect and we've never had a fight um the so my wife is a as during the pandemic was a pediatric intensive care nurse oh my my God. So she was like going into the, her, but her whole thing,

the whole hospital at the height of COVID became a COVID hospital. It was like, it didn't matter what your specialty was. It's like, now you're a COVID nurse. So in the absolute worst part of that, she was going into the hospital and like, you know,

people were dying in front of her and shit. Like it was truly horrendous. So she would come home and I would be like, well, this is America's hero. You know what I mean? There was no, there was never, at that time, as much as I admire her for every single thing, at that time I was like, oh, there's like no denying like which of the two of us has more social value. And I was even more enamored of her than I am normally. Now it's receded back

to like normal levels. But at that time, you're like pandemic time. It's like, I've never loved you more. That time she was a fucking American hero. That's right. It's like Wonder Woman comes home every day. You know what I mean? Did you bang pots and pans at her when she walked through the door? Yeah. Yes. We would throw a bunch of silverware at her every when she walked through the door yeah we would yes we would throw a bunch of silver wear at her every time she walked in well do you remember when people were fucking doing that i was like i don't think they want to hear clamoring of pots and pans and shit after working and watching people die you have to listen to this noise it does have like banging your pots together at 7 p.m does have like don't forget you got to make dinner when you get home.

Such a kind of vibe to it. I think it was nice at the beginning. I think it was nice. At a certain point, it's like, okay, well, we get it. You did the pots thing and that was cool. I don't know. I don't think it was ever very cool. Sorry, Michael Caine.

I disagree. Brave. A brave take. Thank you. I'm very, very brave. Okay. Here's a question. Go. You grew up in Connecticut. Yes. Okay. You're Filipino and Jewish. Yep. Connecticut to me is pretty white. It is indeed. Did you grow up in like a white area of Connecticut? I grew up in a white area of Connecticut, which is a lot of areas of Connecticut. I think your assessment is pretty true. I mean, every state's going to have places where they're

more diverse. You know what I'm talking about? You got your New Haven, you got your Bridgeport, you got your Hartford, but a lot of even the working class people in the towns all over Connecticut. Excuse me, I have to burp. Do you guys do burps on this podcast? We do burp breaks. Would you like a burp do you guys do burps on this podcast we do burp breaks would you like a burp break yeah uh can you guys edit this out okay um i actually burped inside my mouth and now it's gone what are we talking about okay so white people yes i came from a pretty white area but also like and because of that i think i sort of thought of myself and my whole family as white. Interesting. Like, it wasn't until I met my wife,

and we had been dating for a while, that I was like, okay, you're gonna meet my mom. When you meet her, like, she's Filipina. You wouldn't know it if you saw her, but she is from the Philippines. She met her within one second, was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, she's obviously Filipina. This is a Filipino woman. And it really wasn't until that second where I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, she's obviously Filipino. This is a Filipino woman.

And it really wasn't until that second where I was like, oh shit, I've, she's been like this the whole time. And just because like, I've been in a white world, I just assumed that she was white.

Like she was white. My dad was Jewish, but like basically white. Everything seemed, I just sort of like, I was looking through white colored glasses. Is that thing is that an album title maybe that is an album title i put down the rose colored glasses and now i've got the white colored glasses i mean i might have mentioned on this podcast before but i remember when i found out i was black because I grew up around all white people. My sister came home and she like announced, she was like, mom, we're black.

And I remember being like, wait, we're black? So she's black. And she's saying, my mom's black. That must be my dad's black and I'm black. She's a year and a half older than me so she like went off to kindergarten and this kid adam on the bus was like you're black and she was like great thank you this is good to know i should i'm gonna report to the rest of the family and that's that's when i found out i was different than everybody else

where did you grow up again? New Jersey. New Jersey. Wincroft, New Jersey. Oh, yeah. In Monmouth County, baby. And now my kids go to school in Brooklyn and like, you know, at a public school in Brooklyn and their classmates, like my daughter's in a dual language program. So half the kids are roughly in her class are like native, like Spanish is spoken in

their home. That's like their primary language. And it's just very, they're very aware of race. It's like a, it's like something that is part of their, um, like daily conversations. They talk about it. Their teachers, you know, teach lessons that are geared toward discussions of race and in a way that I think is awesome, but it just wasn't how I grew up at all. Like in my school, there was in my ninth grade class, there was one black guy and one black girl.

And that was it. You know what I mean? It was pretty, and honestly, it was pretty diverse that like for, for where I grew up, that was like, wow,

we did it. We did it. We got, we got some black people i mean it's interesting how race isn't really talked about or spoke like we watched roots in high school as like which i think is like you know better than some schools you know but it's also a fictionalized version of slavery and it's also like a little sugar-coated because you know you can't really go into the depths of the horrors of it but i remember after like every viewing like all my classmates would be staring at me and the other black girl in class and i'd be like hey like i

mean i don't know what to tell you i can't give you the answers i can't be like it's okay uh you can't just you can't do that it's okay i love the idea insane as it is that they're just waiting for you to go it's okay before we can go to before we can move on to math we need to check with nicole to see if this is okay is it okay that the ancestors did this to your ancestors maybe it's like hey listen i don't you gotta you gotta just deal with this on your own and then it's wild because like you don't get i just learned something um on twitter the other day there was a town in florida i think it's rosewood florida that was like a black owned town that a man was accused of raping a white woman and then a bunch of white people burned the town

there's like so there's a lot of towns like that where they were black people and then they like burn them down and then there's sundown towns. You know what a sundown town is? I do, unfortunately. In that wild, I just told somebody else

what a sundown town was and they were like, no. And I was like, come on. They made a movie about Rosewood, didn't they? Now that you mentioned, wasn't Ving Rhames? I think there's a Ving Rhames movie

called Rosewood and now I'm, if I Rhames? I think there's a Ving Rhames movie called Rosewood and now I'm if I'm wrong I'll pay you a thousand dollars to take it out of this episode. A thousand dollars?

I'm pretty sure Ving Rhames is in a movie about Rosewood. Mars will you look that up for us? Thank you. Thank you.

And if not take it out. Okay here's a question. Oh, um, okay. Here's a question. Oh, wait, I had another question for you,

but am I allowed to keep asking you questions? What are the rules? You can ask me whatever you want. Okay. This is maybe, okay. My question is, does race play a factor in dating for you?

Is that something that like, like how much is that part of your love life? This is really funny because that's what I was trying to ask you and I never got to it. Oh! But you are correct. Vin Rames is in a movie called Rosewood. But race, I don't think really plays into my dating. I don't have like a preference or anything. I think that's, it's like strange to be like, this is what I prefer. I just like cool, chill people who are nice to me.

That's a good standard. Thank you. Thank you. I think it's, it's evolved from like, they got to be hot. They have to be, I'm like,

just nice. You know, they got to like me. They got to have a little bit of their own money. You know, they got, you know, they got to have just nice

um but i think growing up it played like i didn't have like a boyfriend or anything growing up and i i do think you know being the only black kid like you're not the most desirable or whatever not to say that black isn't desirable i think it's when you're an other you get othered you get put in a bubble where it's like oh that's nicole like you don't get looked at as like a girlfriend material or whatever but also that's true for me i was also fat and zitty you know i wasn't the cutest thing in the world now i think in la i don't know i think fat has more of a hindrance than blackness if you will like i think fat phobia is a thing where people are just like oh maybe i can fuck a fat lady but like date her don't mind if i don't that sucks yeah but it is what it is um that's life the world is fat phobic did you know that there is a weight limit on plan b no 165 pounds if you are over 165 pounds you have

to get a brand called ella which is not over the counter and you have to get a prescription for it which i'm like wait why it's like punishment for being fat you have to have this baby or you have to go and beg a stranger to let you not have it you have to go to someone and go please prescribe ella ella please i need ella ella please okay real quick we gotta take a break Beep, bop, boop, bop, bop, boop, bop, boop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, It's a great show. My wife watches it. It's still going on, right? Yeah, season four just dropped. Here's the thing. Isn't Zach Cherry in that show?

He's in the first season. Okay, okay, okay. Here's what I'll say to you. Watch the first season. Okay. Then watch the second. Okay. I feel like I know where this is going.

You're going to be like, meh, about the second. But then the third season is a masterpiece. Oh, wow. And now the fourth season, I'm a little like, me michael you gotta watch it it's a perfect show it's about love and relationships are you doing a promo for you like are you are you in this show i am not in the show although i have auditioned for the show and i had a nervous breakdown making myself tape because i wanted it so bad but guess who did not get it me i did not get it some other lady got it was it someone who was anything at all like you i feel like anytime i audition for

something and get close and i don't get it i watch the show and it's michael rapaport or something and i'm like why did you ask me to come in for this well the lady who got it was she looked like a woman um and i say that because i don't i don't look like a woman what do you look like um a cherub an adult cherub like i'm not like a a woman like no one's ever looking at me being like wow look at that woman i i don't the way you were saying that is funny to me but i do not understand what it means listen i'm wearing a leopard print hat and a smiley face shirt like i'm not a woman i'm like i'm a lady or like you know like i'm not like a woman i don't know how to say it i wish there were video for this i wish people were watching this as a TV show because the moves are integral

to the way you're describing this. Well, like, you know how you like see a woman like walking down the street and you're like, oh my God. Like, okay, June Diane Raphael, she is like a woman. Like she is like poised and like her hair is done

and like she wears a lot of white. Like that's a woman you mean someone who looks like finished someone who looks like yeah i looked half big i'm like a gooey cookie like i'm not finished okay that's not that's not i feel like now the viewers are going to retroactively attribute my finished thing as a burn on you. And that's not what I was trying to say. I'm just trying to get an idea of what you were saying, quote, woman was.

Because you say woman in a way that makes it different, I feel like, from how I say it, which is just woman. Woman. Exactly. A finished cookie. That's like a perfect, yeah. Like, I'm not a sellable cookie like I'm one of those like cookies that you get and you're like this looks all fucked up

and you bite it and you're like it's good though yeah you're like the factory seconds you're like we also you can get one of these cookies for $10 or a whole bucket of these yes I'm a bucket bitch I'm only trying to clarify your analogy I am not agreeing with you just f1 you can agree with me who fucking cares whatever

what are we talking about the tv show you was this a question oh the question was did i have i watched you i haven't i can't i don't really say to you about it i wish i could contribute the thought is gone i don't it's it's it's left wait did you see that that guy says he doesn't want to do sex scenes anymore the guy says he doesn't want to do sex scenes anymore? The guy says he doesn't want to do sex scenes. Yeah, I saw that. And, you know, I have thoughts, but we don't have time to get into it. We don't have time for it. I have a question. Okay, go.

Okay. So when was your first relationship? My first relationship? Yeah. I think probably ninth grade. Ninth grade was like the first person that i felt like i like had a girlfriend okay and then i like high school relationships are so weird to me so like okay so like during class did you like hold hands or do you like high five in the hallway and then like walk home together what is a high school relationship

um yeah i think it was mostly like making out. That's pretty much it. Like, I mean, I was, I like loved her. You know what I mean? Like I thought we were going to get married. So it's like that kind of thing. I don't know if everybody's first relationship was like that, but I was like, oh, well, the first person,

like I kissed her and I was like, okay, well, this I'm in love with this. This is what I want to have this forever. And then I think practically it meant nothing except for sometimes making out and then writing each other, like, long letters and talking on the phone until a trillion o'clock. Oh, my God. Writing letters. I fucking love that. Yeah, I guess I might have just tipped my hand as to my age.

But we would send each other um stone tablets the camels in our town would carry them back and forth to the pyramids we lived in i mean i think that's like adorable okay so wait how old were you when you met your wife oh boy uh oh god i don't know i was in my 20s i was't know. I was in my early 20s. Early 20s? So, like, you didn't have, like, a sloppy dating 20s And let me say that when you are a heterosexual man in a musical theater department, the standards for what attractive is, I was the dude. I dated above my station or whatever. You know what I mean? So a lot of finished cookies.

A lot of finished cookies while I was still, if I was one chocolate chip, like that's being too nice to me. You know what I mean? So I was, so I had a lot, while I was a sort of a serial monogamist, I had a lot, like the serial is underlined. You know what I mean?

So I like date someone for six months date someone else for a year date someone and the break between those relationships was minuscule oh so okay is nyu like juilliard where you have your class no oh okay because i was gonna be like that gets messy if you all are just traveling through school together in one class i think it was it was a little bit messy. I meant NYU is not like Juilliard. And they're like, Juilliard's Juilliard. NYU is like NYU.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But in Juilliard, it's like, I think, right? What you're alluding to is like Juilliard's like self-contained. You're like with this group of X people for every single class all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So we would take classes in our major where you'd'd have a lot of interaction with the same people.

But then also I had to take constitutional history or whatever. And I had to take a bunch of other classes because it's more of a liberal arts situation. I see. Did you do any plays or musicals while in school? Oh. Oh, hell yeah, I did. I did. What musicals did you do?

We're talking about Jesus Christ Superstar. Jesus Christ Superstar. You should have been in it. Those are better than the real lyrics. Brigadoon, are you familiar with Brigadoon? I don't know Brigadoon. Oh, Brigadoon is insane. It's about a town that only appears once every hundred years in the highlands of Scotland.

Okay. Okay. Like once in the heelands, the heelands of Scotland, two weary travelers lost their way. Okay. Anyway, Brigadoon, West Side Story, a classic. I want to be in America. Aye, aye. Yep.

Good, good, good. Another improvement on a classic. Uh-huh, aye. Yep. Good, good, good. Another improvement on a classic. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And then there's something else I'm leaving out. Carousel.

Do you know Carousel? I don't know Carousel. Okay, well, Carousel's also, now this podcast is just me telling you the plots of musicals. I love it. Carousel is a really good one

and one of my favorite songs, forget it. Why am I talking about this anymore? Carousel. You should go look it up. There's a great song called, oh my God, and one of my favorite songs, forget it. Why am I talking about this anymore? Carousel. You should go look it up. There's a great song called, oh my God,

now I can't think of the song. It's a beautiful musical, Rogers and Hammerstein. Incredible songs top to bottom. Okay. Is it about being on a carousel that's going too fast, like Speed, like that movie Speed? Yeah, if the carousel stops moving, the carousel will explode. All the children no it's about a guy and a woman who fall in love and the guy's a bad

dude he's like a crook he's abusive oh and then eventually spoiler he dies and his ghost like has to come like watches over his wife like he loves his wife and daughter very much but he's a piece of shit it's it's beautiful it's beautiful and there's a song that the woman who is being abused sings about like loving him in spite of it and it is friggin heart-rending and you're kind of like damn they were writing shit like this and like you know the 1940s or whenever it was written and then you're like oh you know what dudes have been doing this fucked up shit for a real long time so i guess it makes sense um yeah men up. But also, there's some good ones out there. There's some good ones. So when I knew you at UCB, was comedy your full-time job or did you

have a day job? So I wanted to do musicals. I couldn't cut it. Didn't work out for me. Okay. I shortly thereafter started teaching rich kids how to take standardized tests. Not always rich kids. Like, like my money was coming from rich kids and I would also do like pro bono tutoring as well. But I spent a long time teaching rich kids how to take standardized tests. Like that was my primary job. Like I bought my apartment off that money. Wait, how do you teach someone how to take a standardized test? Oh, Nicole. Well, first of all, you got to establish rapport with the students. And that for me was, that was like, that's where I reign supreme. That's my territory. That was where I was really key. But then you just got to teach them better than their teachers do.

Because a lot of kids, I don't know what your academic experience was like but a lot of kids like let's say it's third grade and your teacher's trying to tell you something about multiplication and you don't get it but you're in a class of 25 kids so you the teacher can't come to you and be like okay well everybody else gets this shit but nicole you don't get it so we'll stop and we're going to talk to you and fix it they can't do that so then you never learn that thing and then you don't get it. So we'll stop and we're going to talk to you and fix it. They can't do that. So then you never learn that thing. And then you don't know it through fourth grade. So there's other shit in fourth grade you don't learn. You don't learn other shit in fifth grade.

By the time you graduated or toward the end of your high school years, you're fucked in math completely because of that one week you missed in third grade. So I go back and I go, I can tell that you don't know this shit. So let's start with what is multiplication? And then I teach you that. And then I go, okay, now what are exponents? And then we go like step by step and build up all the math. So it's like that kind of stuff. I was like a secondary schooling program for students.

I worked for a company that was a great company. And we were, they continue to do it. Real, real good at it. I mean, you can take a kid who's really been dog shit educated and get them doing really well on these tests. And the way you do it is you actually teach them. I think people, when they think about this stuff, like, oh, it's a bunch of tricks. And like, you know, it's not really that. It's like, this is what math is.

And now you have to know it. That's what I thought it was. I thought it was like tricks and shit. Okay. So the richest person's house that you've ever gotten to go to what did it look like oh boy i mean i will say that um i've been i can't i've signed ndas out the ass on so much of this stuff but what i can tell you is what i can tell you is that an example would be early on in my tutoring time, my wife, who was then my girlfriend, the two of us got flown out on a yacht to stay with a family in the Caribbean for two weeks. And I tutored the kids on the yacht and then in this house that they'd rented in the Caribbean.

And they also threw parties. house that they had rented in the Caribbean. And they also like threw parties. And at the first party, they were like, hey, we don't want people to know that our kids are being tutored. So we don't want you to have to stay in the back. Like come out and you can mingle with everybody. Just tell them that you are a friend of our oldest daughter who's like roughly my age. And I was like, great, no problem.

I'll do that. They throw the party. Immediately when it starts, 10 of the families are kids that I tutor. So like the jig is like up right away. But like the point of the story, I guess, is like all these people sort of roll in this similar circle where all their kids are getting tutored. Like if you are above a certain income level, guarantee your kid has a tutor. Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense.

Because you're like, if I have the money, my kid should be smart. Exactly. If you have the income, why not have somebody who knows how to teach them teach them? Ugh, I'm so mad that you signed NDAs. I don't even know how ironclad they are, but I'm not about to find out. Because the people who would be mad about it have so much money. Yeah, and they'll fucking crush you. Yes.

And I will also say, many of them very lovely people well really truly truly lovely just so rich and my can i say one thing about this this is what this podcast is about right like socialism it's that i don't think that inherently most people who are rich are bad it's that having that much money makes you bad. You become, if you have too much money, you inherently are a problem. That is what, that is what I think. Like right now, I go to the supermarket and I get to the checkout thing and I see some Mentos. I'm like, you know what?

I want to buy that. And I have the money to buy that, so I'll buy it. And then if I had a gajillion dollars, I just buy the supermarket. Because why not? I want, well, I don't have to waste my time figuring out what I want. I just buy the whole market.

And that's what it is. If you have like Elon Musk money, you have, the amount of money you have is now a problem because your impulse buy is the hospital as opposed to

a thing of Mentos. I guess you're right. I once impulse bought Mentos from the airport and it was in a giant tube so I thought I was going to get giant Mentos. Turns out, it's just a bunch of tiny Mentos. Oh, that was in a giant tube. So I thought I was going to get giant Mentos. Turns out it's just a bunch of tiny Mentos.

Oh, that is such a bummer. I was really upset about it. You were hoping for like a burger sized Mento? Yes. Yes. And I wanted to bite into it and I wanted to take weeks to finish it, but that's not what it was.

I was very upset. I love the idea of you on a plane eating a Mento like a squirrel. Yeah. And then people would be like, that's not a woman. Okay. Have, okay. I know you signed an NDA, but like had any of like the, the moms like hit on you? Yes. And also sometimes the students, because I started when I was pretty young and that, that it's uncomfortable. It's bad. What do you have to like, what do you say to a student? You're like, hey, you can't do this. I'm too old. Well, so I used to go to their homes, and sometimes I'd be in their bedrooms and stuff.

So it's like, the doors are going to be way wide open, and I'm going to be visible from the door 100% of the time. I'm making it sound like this happened all the time. It barely ever happened. It barely ever happened. But I had like a, you have like a, I have a headache or something. And I'll mention that in passing. And sometimes like, like some of my students were grad students would like come back and give me like a, like start massaging my shoulders. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. I'm fine.

Thank you. That's really nice of you. But I'm actually, I'm actually is making it worse because now I'm having a panic attack. So just be away from me. Fair. Okay. Real quick, we have to take another break. We're back. Okay. So what made you want children? Okay. So what made you want children? I always wanted children as long as I can remember. I don't even know what made me,

but if I had to assign something to it, sign it to something, it would be that I really idolized my parents big time. So I kind of just wanted to do what they did. And I thought we turned out pretty great. And I thought, yeah, I just I wanted to have a family that was just like my family. That's very, very sweet. Okay, here's another thing. Do you ever get like really frustrated with your kids? Okay, so I watched this video of this little boy. He was holding I think this is the same boy. I watched two videos. He's holding like a glass of water with one hand and his mom's like, two hands, two hands, buddy. And then she puts the hand on there and then he spills it and she's like, oh no, are you getting nervous? And he just dumps the whole water out. And I was like, couldn't be me.

And then this other, I think it's the same kid. He's holding dog food and he's like spilling it. And she's like, two hands. And then he makes it over to like the dog food dish and then spills it right in front of it and it goes everywhere and i was like now that that mother that person has to clean up after this like how do you deal with your kids being dumb as hell and you have to like love them anyway well i would say that sometimes you do get really, you just get mad. But you got to try and understand that this is like truly a child is an idiot.

I mean, smart in a lot of ways, able to absorb so much stuff, but they're starting from literally zero. So they, you know, starting from absolutely nothing. So they're going to get a lot of stuff wrong. But I would say that most of the time you just try and approach them with love which i think most people have like it's programmed in not everybody has that i don't you know don't come for me in the comments some people have whatever they have you know and they do the bad things but most people i think automatically love their kids and have a built-in like love and forgiveness which is not to say that there have not been times where i have absolutely lost my I think automatically love their kids and have a built in like love and forgiveness, which is not to say that there have not been times where I have absolutely lost my shit on my kids,

which I have done. And I try after I do it to be like, hey, buddy, I fucked up right there. And I definitely I definitely got more mad at you than I should have. And I'm sorry that I did that. That's nice. I don't know if it's nice. I think that's good to do. That's what I'm doing. To be like, hey, I overreacted. It's fine. I don't think I have that in me because I'm not apologizing to a child who lives off of me.

I will say that, like, usually when it happens, like, if I get mad at my kids or, like, at my wife for, like, like too much it's because something else happened to me you know what i mean like something happened something happened today at work i wrote a sketch or whatever and someone's like and i thought it was really great and someone goes that's not funny and now i'm gonna be mad the rest of the day and then i'm like i just know at 2 p.m that day i know at 8 p.m i'm gonna yell at my kids I'm not trying to I'm just like I know what this this is going to become that it is funny but like our jobs are like someone goes that's not funny and you're like my day's ruined yeah I don't exist anymore this sucks I hate my life it is tough especially because what my wife does is so concretely

and obviously important. For her, a hard day is like, oh yeah, a school bus got hit by a tractor trailer and we had to deal with all these kids right away. And for me, a hard day is like, I wrote this song about a Chinese dinosaur and I don't think that

the rhyme scheme is good. You know what I mean? I'm like, I gotta, I'm gonna spend the whole time with my therapist talking about this. Yeah. I talk to my therapist about a lot of dumb shit where I'm like, I don't know why this joke didn't work. It worked when I did it before and then like, now it's not working

and she's like, I don't know, try it again. Like, you're paying me a lot of money to complain about this. Right. And then her other patients are like you know navy seals and stuff who are like uh yeah so i watched i watched my friend die right in front of me and you and i are like you know uh this dick joke isn't working yeah i don't get it but it's good that we go to therapy you go to therapy you like therapy um i'll tell you what truthfully i've been in and out and the like i'm not in therapy right now and but it's good that we go to therapy. You go to therapy? You like therapy?

I'll tell you what, truthfully, I've been in and out, and I'm not in therapy right now, and it's only because really, this is not a good thing to say, I think, but I don't have time. There's not a time for me to do it. I'm working all day, and then I have a family, so I can't, I mean, I just don't have the time for it.

Yes, you do. When I have, you know what, you're probably right. You have time for yourself. You pick one day a week and you stay at your job for this hour. I quit. I quit. And then you have to rehire me after that hour. Yeah.

I mean, but whatever. I'm not going to therapy shame you. That's insane. therapy shame you that's insane if you don't have time you don't have time there was a time in my life where i didn't have any time and i had to keep rescheduling then i was like let's go on a break for now and then we'll get back into it later that's what was happening to me what was happening to me was every week i was like okay so i know i said i could do this friday at this time but i actually can't do it can we do saturday and then i get booked on a show on saturday and then it's like okay and then we'd have a shoot the next day whatever whatever you know what i mean yeah um my therapist right now

is really great about like because we our sessions are on mondays and so it's the beginning of the week so if i'm like ah fuck i forgot i was forgot I was working. And she's like, all right, there's four other days to pick from. And usually it's good and I get it in. It's helpful. I like it. Yeah, I love people who are cool with postponements and cancellations

are God's gift to this earth. I like it frequently when plans get canceled but i had to learn that i have a one of my best friends i remember like having anxiety about canceling plans and telling him i was canceling something that we had planned on for a month and him being like yeah man no worries and being like wait you can do that's an option to just be fine with stuff holy shit that's amazing's amazing. You just go, oh, okay. Yeah. Another day.

Yeah. Okay. Michael, I have a question. Me, a single lady, Nicole, what should I do in order to get somebody to love me? Jeez, Scott. Okay. You're looking at me with a very serious face. So I thought the question had more of a humorous bent, but you, okay.

You can't see this at home, but Nicole is crying blood right now. What should you do to get someone to love you? I mean, I think you're eminently lovable, aren't you? Thank you. Well, that's what makes the question so hard. It would be like, you're not like a mean troll. Thank you. You're like a beautiful, nice, smart, funny person. So I don't know.

I will say one thing that changed everything for me and my wife. This is not how to get into a relationship, but how to stay in it. And this may not resonate with you at all. But similar to what I was saying about my friend where he was like, you know, yeah, you can cancel plans, it's fine. I remember the first big fight I had with my wife. I don't remember what it was about.

We weren't married yet. But I remember the fighting over and being like, oh, wow, well, I guess that's the end of this relationship. And her saying something like, you know you don't have to break up after you have a fight right and I was like wait what

and that did like being like oh so like you're saying we like work through that like we like figure this out and come to an understanding and keep going with the understanding that this may even happen again and she was like yeah I was like, holy shit.

And honestly, if she hadn't said that we wouldn't still be together. And there's no way I think about it all the time about like so many arguments that we've had, even though we've never fought, but imagine that we did fight all the times that we would just be like, okay, well,

we're gonna have to figure that out. Okay. That may not help you at all, Nicole. I don't know. This is helpful. So I'm gonna start fights on all of my first dates with people. And if they're like, we can work this out. Let's just go on a second date.

Then I know that they're in love with me. Yeah. Now that I've said it out loud, it does sound ridiculous. Let me also say that there's probably a lot of fights that you should break up over. A lot of fights where you're like, okay, well, yeah, this should be the end of it. But that is something that allowed me to stay in a relationship that I absolutely should have stayed in that I wouldn't have done prior to my wife saying that. I would have been like, oh, we're done. We had one big fight, and that's the number of fights that I allow every relationship. One big fight, and we out.

Just uno. Okay, Michael, here's another question I ask people. Go. Would you date me? Absolutely. I mean, I can't. No. But absolutely.

Okay. You understand? So if I met you 20 years ago. Yeah, I think if we had met 20 some odd years ago, I think, I mean, you're great. Oh, thank you. Do you ask that question of everyone and does everyone say the same thing?

Doesn't 100% of people say that you're amazing? Some people earlier were like, no, I would never date you. And then I've had a couple fat friends be like, no, we'll just enable each other to just eat ourselves to death. Well, Michael, we came to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote? Okay, yeah. So you know, I have a podcast, A Good Crime, available wherever you get podcasts. And

then also, April 28th to June 4th, I'm doing a one-man show off-Broadway produced by Audible at the Minetta Lane Theater called Sorry For Your Loss. It is a comedy show about grief. And I hate to say this, but it is fucking amazing. And I hope you'll come and see it. Hell yeah.

When is it again? April 28th to June 4th, Sorry For Your Loss, Minetta Lane Theater. Ooh, a nice little run. Ooh. Ooh. When is it again? April 28th to June 4th. Sorry for your loss. Minetta Lane Theater. Ooh, a nice little run. Ooh. Gotta be open just long enough to win a, I don't even know what the awards are for Off-Broadway,

to win a- Drama desk? To win a drama desk. There you go. Okay. Oh my gosh. Let me also say that in season one of A Good Cry, we had the inimitable Nicole Byer. Me! I was on it gotta listen

uh okay listen to that and if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe or i don't know apple podcast whatever um you can also write me something nasty to hit on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars reads these so no dick pics no titty pics nah no bodies just words no bodies hi nicole i would drive you to walmart ew and push you around in a shopping cart while we shop for our favorite nabisco snacks i would then pour a bag of mini Oreos all over your body and eat them off one by one. I would then put on a strap-on

and have you ride it till you came. I would collect your coochie milk, ew, in a glass and we'd spend the rest of the evening, ew, dipping our Chips Ahoy cookies, the crunchy kind, not the chewy kind, in your sweet, sweet lady milk. Can you read this on your podcast? This has taken such a turn.

Oh, my God. Ew. All right. That's it. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me?

is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. This has been a team Coco production.