Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - BEST OF: Top or Bottom? (w/ Jon Gabrus, Nick Wiger, and Mike Mitchell)

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

In this iconic episode, Gabrus (High & Mighty), Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell (Doughboys) join Nicole fresh off a power-hour to discuss how they would want to die, their favorite sex positions, and if they're into ass play. They also answer audience questions about post-sex snacks, favorite porn genres, and their craziest sex stories. Plus, Nicole helps officiate a live marriage proposal.We now have a YouTube! Subscribe here for upcoming full length video podcast episodes.Listen to the High & Mighty Power-Hour they recorded here:https://headgum.com/high-and-mighty/212-chicago-power-hour-w-nick-wiger-mike-mitchell-and-nicole-byerThis was recorded at Thalia Hall for Headgum Live in Chicago.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi everyone, it's Nicole. While we're on hiatus, we're bringing back some of my favorite episodes completely ad-free! This week it's a live show from Chicago with my friend Gabris and my other friends, the Doughboys, Mike Mitchell and Nick Weiger, kicking things off right after we did a Gabris High and Mighty Power Hour. So we were all very, very drunk and yes, I broke a toilet backstage right before the show started. It was pretty upsetting. The theater also didn't know what happened until I set it on stage. Isn't that fun for them? We got into some wild talks about our favorite sex positions and there was a marriage proposal

right in the middle of the show to make me sad about being single all while I was drenched in toilet water. It was definitely one of the most iconic moments me sad about being single. All while I was drenched in toilet water. It was definitely one of the most iconic moments, and why won't you date me history? Also, don't forget to subscribe to our new YouTube channel. You'll find new video episodes dropping there soon, and the link is in the episode description. Okay!

Let's jump into it! A cue of the music. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why She's a little dumpster baby Give it up for Nicole Boyer! Thank you! Oh boy, thank you!

Oh boy, I needed that. Thank you! Oh my god. Oh, I'm literally crying. Thank you. Thank you. Podcasting is an audio media, and I just got a fucking standing ovation, and I've done nothing. Thank you. I just broke a toilet. And you're like, oh, it didn't flush. No, it fully fell out of the wall. And I wasn't super embarrassed because I was like, I went to the gym today. You know, so like I'm a couple...

Pound lighter! And then the toilet said, bitch you're not. You gots to go back! Well, this is an episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Thank you. It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you asked me to put ketchup in my butt and took me to McDonald's and asked me to squeeze it out on your hamburger, I would do it. I'm running out of these fucking things to say to you people. I don't know, but I do have guests today. My first guest that I could see, you know him, you love him, he's America's number one fuckboy, it's John Gabras!

And I'll say this, I came out of that bathroom and I said I broke the toilet and Gabras said I'll take credit, I'll take credit. Me and Mitch were willing to go to bat for Bayer. Let us know who you need to like, we'll tell the story that it was us that broke this. It was very kind but I truly just told all these people it was me and my body. Did you tell the landlord? Because he has a lawsuit on this. Truly the landlord can suck my dick. I mean, you knew a big bitch was coming. You gotta, I don't know, put some fucker sticks of wood under it. I don't know.

We got to start putting in our writers, buttress the toilets. Put a couple of cinder blocks under there so daddy can drop a dose, baby. So I can feel, I will tell you this, I was sitting on the toilet going, and uh... Okay, okay. You're admitting fault it sounds like. I was giving it the full weight of my body. Oh, I'm afraid to give anything my full weight. I don't fuck my wife without a fucking repelling harness

Hook through a stud in the ceiling. Well, I like to test things and I think that ends today On June 15th whenever I see a wicker chair. I'm like will it I broke two chairs in one day on a show I was hosting and it was the most Humiliating thing and one of them was a fucking barbers chair like a full metal It just the steel bent and I just slowly tipped over it was humiliating Well, that's like when you did nailed it we sat down and went these chairs are bad, right? Yeah terrible Yeah, they're like, let's put Byron Gaberson for in a high top for Yeah, they're like, let's put Byron Gaberson in a high top four-slit. Truly, with just like sticks of wood. I said, I'm the biggest bitch you've ever seen.

These are like Asian kitchen stools. Yes. I'm like, my body is fat for America. Like I'm a J. Crew XXL, which means I can't even try on European clothes yeah I did a commercial in Romania where I was a fairy and they had me swinging in the air god what are you crazy well I saw those fucking vampires I was the blackest they could find here in America and to be fair you are rather black even for Americans honestly, the audition consisted of me going some ice cream and

They couldn't just listen to your podcast to hear that well It was before a podcasting happened and the casting director said I want you to be as black as possible if you go to black I'll bring you back Which is like, we in Chicago went too black. If I bring a gun and I'm like, I'm a fucking blood. I don't know. You were 90 minutes late to the call back. That's a touch too black for us.

We took a fucking lift here and I was late for that. Like, aye. I gave Mitch so much shit about, my show started at 4.30 and I was late for that like I gave Mitch so much shit about my show started 430 and I kept joking that it was at 4 and me and Nicole walked rolled up at 425 and Mitch goes you got to be at 4 I go guess why I was late I'm always late but I went to Romania and the stunt dude goes, hello. And I said hi. He goes, we found the biggest man who lives in Romania. Man, and we put him in the harness for you because you are huge.

And I couldn't be insulted because I was like, yeah, fucking don't drop me. Put the biggest motherfucker in there. I don't get on a fucking hammock unless I see a family on it first. I'm with you, dude. I'm always like, I do these shoots and they're like, all right, get in this thing. I'm like, let me see two of your fattest grips climb in and out of it before I go anywhere

near this fucking thing. Oh boy, these people are like, why are there two more microphones? There's two more guests. You should have called me out last because I'll just talk. Oh, they're there. They're both there. You better believe he's currently on his phone. I assume he's looking at pictures of his cats. Ooh, it's Mike Mitchell!

Spoon! I know it's a bit, but have you ever thought about how he feels when y'all boo him onto the stage? Did we ever, did we double check with the people who built this stage that all three of us could be out here at the same time? Honestly, if I break a stage the same day I break a toilet. I'm a walk into traffic. I Love that. No none of these events are signs that we need to lose right there all signs that something's wrong with society

I'm sorry. I'm late. I had to go the bathroom. I had to take a shit into a pipe. There's a rusty pipe sticking out of the toilet we've been taking turns shitting in. I will say, there was a moment where I was on the floor with a shattered toilet, a wet body, and I said, well I better turn off the water. toilet, a wet body, and I said, well I better turn off the water because I'm a woman at heart and I was like, I can't let this fucking theater fucking flood. Oh boy. Nicole is so awesome that Gabor's nice to that, we're like, we'll take the blame for this. By the way, the most gentlemanly thing we can come up with in any moment is like let us be the ones that shattered the toilet I'm recording a podcast after this I'll take this information And I call this year and she was like talk about it on stage and I was like how

Is my opener like yes, who's unhealthy like I don't know No fucking what that's it say that's not your fault. That's the toilet. That's the toilet's fault Are you fucking out of your mind? I'm so mad. I don't want a toilet, but I don't I don't want to get into beef with Mike Thalia But hey, mr. Thalia fucking put a toilet that a human person can sit on Yeah, get those fucking cheap toilets. Hey enough of these cheap knockoff toilets. I need a high GPF 275 kilo I will say this you two stepping up and saying, we will say that we were not in the bathroom

and we broke that toilet, is the nicest thing a man's ever done for me. That says more about your experience with men than anything else. Men are very bad to me. There's one more guest. Well, you stood up and we were like, what made you say that, Nicole? Oh, the empty chair, the microphone that's just getting whispers of your words, you know.

You know he's gonna sit in the high stool when he comes out here. I hope so. You guys, he's on the other half of the door, boys. It's Nick Weigand! Yeah! Yeah! And full disclosure, we did a power hour before this. But I...

I can't believe you introduced me last. It's like introducing the Beatles and landing on, and give it up on drums! Ringo I'll tell you something I don't really get that reference that's all right I know who the Beatles are but like congratulations thank you yeah I'm familiar with Abraham Lincoln he was the face of Seneca's freak. So with the- It looks like you've changed every man in the audience to do a woman from High and Mighty. It's the exact opposite gender flip.

Right. It is crazy. There's so many more women than there was an hour ago. It's insane. Yes. Thank you. Yes. My fans are civilized.

Except when they see me do stand up. They love yelling at me. You better believe I hate the city of Appleton, Wisconsin. And you better believe I hate a woman named Krista. I will talk about Krista until the day I die. Fuck that woman. A white woman with a birthday is the most powerful form of a person. It's my birthday!

Nobody fucking cares! I hate Krista. So you're willing to talk about her for another six to eight weeks? I will talk about Krista literally until the day I die. Which is soon. Oh, I'll probably die tomorrow. I broke a toilet today

I'm gonna probably fall out of a plane tomorrow. Sit on the plane Land in fucking Heisenberg's house or whatever. I'm on my plane tomorrow and just my seat falls out and they're like, uh-oh bitch was too heavy Whatever if I die on a plane, that's great Yeah, you know at least I probably ate a breakfast in front of a plane, that's great. Yeah. You know, at least I probably ate a breakfast in front of a bird, you know? How do you guys want to die?

Ooh, good question. That is a good question. Gabers, how would you like to die? Suffocation via face sitting. Oh man, that's a good one. Wow, so many woos for that, that's insane. And I'll tell you why they're clapping. How so many women out there want to kill him that way.

I'm ready to die. If someone's ready to kill me with their fucking thighs, your boy is ready to die. I'll tell you why they're so excited. If I fucking sat on someone's face and got up and they were dead, I would go, well, you probably deserved it. And then I would move the fuck on to somebody else. The day I turn single is the day I text you and go, I want you to treat me like a Chicago toilet.

Don't shit on me or in me, but shit on me until I shatter. I didn't literally give you what I was doing. I was like And then it broke and I was like, oh no It was really wild it's upsetting how gingerly I've been sitting on things for the last five years of my life Such a major part of my stress is like is this safe to sit on well I My father-in-law just last weekend was like, you can get on the hammock, and I go, no fucking way. He's like, I've been on the hammock, and I'm like, that doesn't matter.

If I sit on a hammock that's sitting on the floor on top of ropes for me. The hammock always just goes. I've been trying to be more adventurous, and I'm gonna not do that anymore. Yeah, I mean like we're adventurous, but we don't need to like grab onto like a chin up bar that isn't fucking drilled into studs.

I guess I'm gonna start squatting over toilets, but that's where I take my rest. No, no, it's the toilet's fault. The fact that it was a Chicago toilet is even more fucked up. Yeah, a Chicago toilet should be able to take two tons of Al's beef a night. You should be able to load, you should be able to load Calabasas in a sausage machine that goes right into a toilet and it just flutches everything.

Speaking of Chicago, my family lives in Chicago. Please welcome my sister, Catherine! Whoa! Wow! Just kidding. Wow. Just kidding. Before I broke a toilet. Wait, hold on. You're kidding about her coming out,

but you're not kidding that she lives in Chicago. No, she definitely lives in Chicago. She lives in Hyde Park. I said, hey Catherine, would you like to come talk for 15 minutes on my podcast? The people want you. And she went, oh. Well, I'm having dinner with my neighbor I lived near two years ago.

That starts at seven. And I said, you can't meet her at 730. And she went, hmm. No? And I said, goodbye. So that's where we're at today. Today's been a magical day. So let's get another round of applause for just Nicole and fuck Catherine.

She listens to the podcast. I love you, Catherine, but for real. I'm 100% sure she'll listen to this and go, I should have came. She's one of those people that's like, a thing happened and I should have done it. Right. That's her. What does Catherine do in Chicago? She teaches kids who are the special needs kids.

She doesn't like the way I say it. This audience wouldn't like it either. Special needs is maybe the only way to say it. Yes. Don't say it any other way. It took me a second because I always say it a certain way. She's like, Nicole. And the only reason why I say it the other way

is so I can hear her go, Nicole. She has such a sad voice. Um. Also, my whole family is here and not one of them came to the show. Wow. So I guess you guys are my family. Wow. Wow. So, I guess you guys are my family. Wow.

Finally, a family I want to be part of. Right? Thank you. Wait, are there black people here? Yeah. Thank God. Security. Hey, you better believe,

ugh, that's the second beat of that joke. I said the same thing in the last show, but there was less black people. Weirdly enough. Thank you. Thank you for coming. I will say this. According to Trump, there's a lot of black people in Chicago. Yes.

Yes. There's a lot of black people everywhere. And he said, I'm not going to help them. Let's not get into politics. So you're married. You're married. You have cats. Um, that's right.

Wally and Irma. It's funny that I always forget Irma's name. Irma is my sister's middle name, which is like maybe a, like, what is that? Freud? Freudian? Freudian slip. Freudian slip? Okay, so What's your favorite position?

The aforementioned Oral sex with me on the bottom, okay, but I'm also if I'm also I'm a fan of but I'm a heterosexual bottom Okay I'm a fan of, I'm a heterosexual bottom. Okay. I'm a power bottom. I last longer if I'm not on top. Okay. I need to last like 18% longer to get my wife off. Okay. And so we're okay with switching to me being on bottom.

I get that. I just learned how to be on top, which- It's not easy. It's not easy. No, it's not easy doing all the work But like I was dating this dude who was a fan of all of yours fuck him So I was dating him he was like climb up my dick and I was like no Because okay, so the first time I rode a man I looked at him in the face and I said I'm riding you I've never done this before and he was like blue

past now no his dick like retracted from a like he was like not as normal as normal I'm about to float off the stage because the popcorn smells so fucking good no room it's so do you guys know that she knows what wait the popcorn the popcorn smells amazing the popcorn wait what you say popcorn yeah I'm a weird Boston guy. Wait, and- And my favorite position is missionary. Ah! I've never heard a bigger pop from missionary. I've actually literally never heard a pop

from a missionary. I'll tell you something. I just learned about how good missionary can be. Okay, here's my thing. I love doggy style. I love it. I don't want wanna look at you. But I just learned if you lift your legs, that's better. And I was talking to Sasheer and I was like,

Sasheer, I was told to lift my legs. And she was like, yeah, that's normal. I was like, I thought that only happened in porn. And she was like, what do you think porn is, if not just sex between two people? And I was like, ooh. I sure hope porn isn't just technically sex between two people. And I was like, cool. I sure hope porn isn't just technically sex between two people, because when I do it,

it doesn't look like that so much. It's hairier for sure. Well, I started practicing when I go to the gym. You saw me at the gym today. Oh, I did. We were both at the gym. That's a sentence neither of us have ever been able to say. Like I saw you and didn't really know how to communicate with you.

I was like, oh, I said this on High and Mighty, but it's like seeing a teacher at the grocery store. You're like, where do I know you from? Oh, we've been friends for 12 years. I was just... Just not used to seeing you on the elliptical. I was just so happy I didn't have like a Diet Coke with me. Like I was just so happy about that. We like a diet coke with me like I was just so happy about that

We're like fucking cool. I Don't like water, but lately I've been like stretching after working out and practicing my legs up missionary That's rules Which looks insane and a lady caught me in, um, I was in Arizona, I was like, I guess I was like quivering and being like, uuuuhh, uh, like really... You're not even describing working out at this point. You're a spread eagle in a gym in Arizona going,

uuuuhh, uuuuhh, uuuuhh, uuuuhh. Show us! Show us! So I was like trying to like lift my legs back and I was like and there was a lady staring at me and I went, mm, sorry. I wanted to just back flip into your pussy so bad. I wanted to dagger you like I was a Jamaican dancehall dancer. Do you want to? Do you think you could dagger me?

Do you guys know what daggering is? Do you think you could? Do you want to lay like that again and see what I get to? Yeah, let's see what happens. Well, Nicole is lying on the floor of the stage with her legs up in the air. Debris did a cartwheel and is staggering her. My God. Wow. My God. Wow, that's impressive.

I just want to say that. Weiger hasn't spoken the whole podcast until until he gave that play by play. I was like, I have to give us some kind of to contribute something. I'll give some commentary for the people listening. I will talk about the amount listening. I will say this. The amount of cardio that goes into Daggering. I'm upset you didn't give me your full weight. Because if you watch this.

I don't give anything my full weight, including toilets backstage. OK, we talked about this on High and Mighty very briefly. But you like ass play? I like it. I don't root for it, but I'll take it. I don't root for it, so you're not in the streets screaming, eat my ass. I'm not like, it's my birthday, put a finger in my... Oh my God. Yeah.

MR Engineer just brought popcorn out to the stage. This rules. Popcorn got a bigger pop than me backflipping into the cold spussing. I liked it. Oh, that's where that little bottle of Tito's went. Good God. You know, you break a toilet, you deserve a shot. Wow.

Yes. Do you have watermelon in water? I know, I have a vodka soda with two watermelon cubes floating in it. I like to muddle my own fruit sweetheart. Deal with it. I love it. Nick, can I ask you about ass play? Yes, please. Yeah. Do you like ass play? Don't love it. I'm like, cause I'm self conscious.

Hey, I'll do whatever, but I'm self-conscious about my own whole. And when I've had that manipulated in any form, I felt like it's too sensitive. I'm like a little too, I get too, the nerve endings are too, they're just feeling everything. And I just get a little, I'm like at the chills more than I get too many endings or two They're feeling everything and I just get a little I'm like at the chills more than they get any sort of sensation of pleasure Okay, what about you Mitch? Have you ever had your asshole reached by anyone? I? Know you don't have the shoulder mobility to get there, but I Just let there are so I can wipe my own ass We you have to say that at the top of all

Mitchie has anyone licked your butt no one has licked my butt ever Nice a puppy Mitch. I'm getting pretty drunk over here. I'm ready to eat your I'm ready to eat your fucking ass. Would you let someone eat your butt? I don't know, I treat it a lot like, it's kind of a Chernobyl situation where I put sand on it and put a roof over it a long time ago. Okay. And no one should be there for at least 60 or so years.

I don't know. So you're saying you'll let your ass get eaten when you hit 90? Yeah, when you hit 91? When I hit 96 years old, which everyone is sure I'm gonna get to. No, I've never, you know, never a finger, no, no, no, I mean I don't start, I've never been like, butts off, limit, at the top. I've never said that to anyone. Thank God. You've never put your own finger in your ass?

Yeah, you never fucking took your butt? What do you do in the shower? Use soap and water? Yeah. Wait, do you not wash your ass? Because I just learned white people don't wash their legs. Some people don't do that, yeah. I wash my legs, I wash my butt, I get my butthole clean.

Do you wash your legs? I wash everything. Okay, Weiger, do you wash my legs, I wash my butt, I get my butt hole clean. Do you wash your legs? I wash everything. Okay, Weiger, do you wash your legs? I wash everything and like I know that the, the, the, the, the, whoa, not all white people think it's problematic, but the first time I've ever felt that in my life is when people are talking about like white people don't wash their legs, I was like whoa, hold on a second. That's true.

Yeah. Yeah, everyone's like white people are racist, white people are this, I'm like fair, fair, fair. Yeah, no, that's very I know I didn't wash your legs. I'm like One of the few things I do do is wash my legs Is there anyone out there who will probably say they don't wash their legs? Wow You know, you didn't have to respond. There's two people pointing at one woman.

One person. Ma'am, please stand up. Stand up. Be proud of it. Wow. Wait. Why don't you wash your legs? She's a double amputee.

Let's take it back. Everyone chill. This kind of fucked up that we're making fun of right now. Wait, real quick. Why don't you wash your legs? Oh, you're in the runoff camp. The shampoo for my hair washes my legs. Girl, you got dirty legs. What do you wash in the shower? Yeah. All you got to do you wash in the shower? Yeah.

All you gotta do is wash the top of your scalp. Everything else gets cleaned by accident. Well, that might... I shower upside down and I just wash the bottom of my feet. I let it all run up. You gotta wash your ass in the shower. That's how you find out that the male cheese spot is real. in the shower. That's how you find out that the male cheese spot is real. Okay. Real quick. I added some pictures to my Tinder that, um, I know people have been

like, it's stagnant. You haven't added anything. So, uh, the three of you, I'd like you to look at my Tinder. Look together. Also podcasting. Mitch, pretend you're seeing it for the first time. OK, so describe to people what you're seeing. I'm seeing black Ursula from Little Mermaid. And I am hard AF. Bitch, you're seeing Lil Kim.

I'm so wow. Bitch, you're seeing Lil' Kim. I'm so- Wow. I'll describe the picture. I'm wearing a fucking lavender beehive. I'm wearing a purple fucking bikini. I'm wearing a purple fur coat and I'm squatting and my fucking legs are rolling. That rules. Okay. Show it to Mitchie. My bad, before I pass it on, do you want to just say what the picture is?

No! You handed it to me and then said wrong one second later. I'll let you know if you're wrong again. What's the biggest lie on here? I mean besides your age. Ahhhhhhh! How old does it say? 29? I'm 32 or 33. I don't fucking know. I don't know how to... I can't log into... Wow, that second trick I just saw.

My goodness. You're so you're you're you're wearing leopard print one piece. Okay. Damn. Your derriere is fully facing the camera. Derry-air? Jesus, Weiger. Your hairs and braids.

Yeah. I'm seeing a lot here. There's a lot going on. Uh-huh. Was he right? He just was right. Weiger was right? Yeah, that's right. I have my ass out, my tattoos are showing. You better believe there's a hamburger, a hot dog, and it says, uh, stick it in these buns, and then there's an ice

cream cone, a cupcake, and a lollipop, and it says, it's sweet, just taste it. Here's the thing, I'm benevolent. If you're back there, I want you to be entertained. You know? My turn? Yes. She has the full script for Anchorman. Alright, next pick. I'm seeing a bathroom, there's a toilet on the ground. Yeah, it just seems to be pieces of broken porcelain.

No this pic rules. It is you. You are in a bikini. Wow. You look great. You are in a shopping cart. And you are riding it like a surfboard. That's not even fake.

That's 100 even fake. That's a hundred percent real. I don't know how you even did that. You look amazing. You're in a full squat in the shopping cart and motion. I've never had a Tinder account, but can you propose via Tinder? Because if so, you'd be my wife in a heartbeat. This is a fucking, this is truly something that I dream up to jerk off to. Thank you. And then everything else is the same. It's me in a split. These are all new picks, yeah?

Those are all new. I put them up for you guys. Then there's me with a dildo, me with my dog, me climbing a bookcase. And then it says definitely a thought the happiest out there I'm tired of dumpster people I really like to have all the fun like all of it and truly since I put these pictures up I have gotten no new wait no I did get one message hold on it's for me I know you wouldn't let me take credit for the toilet smash, but I still love you. I just got from David, it's the tongue emoji from a butt pic. And then Ryan just liked me in a shopping cart. Step up your fucking game, what the fuck?

I mean, this is what I'm dealing with. Who are single guys on Tinder in the audience right now shout it out to okay not a lot interesting honestly my demographic is women gay men and then boyfriends who were like I don't fucking know who she is and then for whatever reason after the show love to let me know that they didn't know who I was and then I'm really funny And I should keep going People who don't know who you are love to say nothing more than like whoa You're actually really funny like if you went to a doctor and left and go I assumed you were gonna be a shitty doctor

And you saved my life this I've been shooting a show that rhymes with Wailed It. And one of the contestants goes, so what job did you have before this? And I said, are you asking how I got this job posting a show on Netflix? And she went, yeah, don't know who you are. And I'm 100% sure they're going to use that. Wow.

It didn't feel good. And then I gave her my whole resume and she went, Oh, MTV, I don't watch that. And I was like, I really want you to suck a dick. And she didn't win. One time. Don't insult the person who's giving you money. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm credits like you're like, oh, maybe it's from this like now I'm like college humor. No, I'm like podcat No, they don't know anything and then they go did you go to mepum high school?

And I'm like fuck. Yeah, we went to high school together You said where do I know you from and I listed my resume for 10 and my resume is beat AF I'm like, oh, did you get to channel? 1271 I don't help people out anymore when they're like, what do I know you from? I'm like, whoa, did you get to channel 1271? I don't help people out anymore when they're like, what do I know you from? I'm like, oh, I don't know. I guess I must look like another black woman you know. And they're like, oh, no, that's not it.

I'm like, you're racist. You are racist. It's very fun for me. I have a question. Is Charlie here? Wow! Whoa! Hi. So it's Charlie and Laura. Am I getting that right? No. Different Charlie? Okay. So is your Instagram account GgoldMct? Okay. Do you want to do something, Charlie? What the hell's going on here? I don't know. Charlie, you had a question you wanted to ask Nicole or someone else in the crowd? Charlie

DM'd me on the Instagram and said he would like to do something and I said 30 minutes in he could. We're at 36. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm black. So Charlie, what would you like to do? Yes! Yes! Yes! Charlie! Get on one knee motherfucker! You got this! Yeah, Charlie! Charlie! Wow. Alright, shut the fuck up so Charlie can do it. Charlie, project. Louder Charlie. Wait. I don't know how to get to you. Do we get a mic to him?

Here, here, take my mic, you can comment. They're all attached to the mic. Be careful, Nicole! Nicole is rolling off stage, handing a wired mic to Charlie. Okay. Marlene, the love of my life. Will you please marry me in front of all these people here? Bitch, you gotta say yes! And our new friend Nicole here, who's been so gracious. I'm covered in toilet water.

I mean, Nicole says yes, so I'm gonna say yes, of course. I mean the call says yes, so I'm gonna say yes Charlie you gonna help out Charlie gonna help out For the listener at home, we just got a team of 12 to get Nicole back on stage. Oh my God. I broke a toilet, other people are in love, and then four men had to help me get back on stage. Guys, round of applause, what's Charlie, what's your fiance's name? Yeah. What's your fiance's name?

What's your fiance's name? Charlene? Marlene. Marlene? Give it up for Charlene. Charlene Marlene. Charlene Marlene. Charlene Marlene!

Charlie DM'd me and was like, what's the likelihood that I could convince you to help me propose? I said, ugh, okay. And he was like, I don't want you to feel obligated. I was like, no, I'll be fine. You know, if other people can't fucking... If I can't find love, I'm happy that you guys did. You know? Nicole, I gotta shoot my shot. I'm single, by the way. Honestly, Mitch, there are so many- You have four hands in the air. Yes. Who will fuck Mitch and eat his butt?

Just make sure to swipe right on the picture of Mitch squatting over a broken shopping carton. It's a bunch of women who know Gabris is married and are like, I'll take my second choice. I have a type. My dad was weird to me growing up. I love that Weiger has spoken three times and one was to say that Mitch is a second rate gay bros. The horty energy off the crowd after that proposal is insane. That was wild. I'm at an absolute sem dog from that. I love love that much that I'm going to be half hard till this thing raps.

I feel like I've done a dozen Adderall just by the fucking energy. It's insane. I literally could not close my mouth. I was just like, I was just wide open. It was very sweet. It was unbelievable. My clit is rock hard. Charlie, what's the day? When are you thinking of doing it? Oh, what are you asking? Charlie, your last day

as a single man, you got to do it. Lick that hard clit. Yeah, baby, lick my little hard clit. My clit is so hard. Lick my rock hard clip. When I was getting back on stage, I got caught on the stage. Charlie's children can listen to this podcast one day. And they're like, why did you let that grotesque woman do that? Daddy, did you really suck her hard clit? No son, we all have regrets. Are there single men here?

There are a few. There's literally one! Are there any single women who can keep a secret here? It doesn't have to be a secret. I'll fuck a woman. I was talking more for myself. Oh for you. I would tell Tiffany in a heartbeat. Oh I know I'm not trying to fuck. If I ever got wind of it I would be like, Doop doop doop, Tiffany!

Because I love Tiffany more than you. That's completely reasonable. She's so wonderful. Because I love Tiffany more than you. That's completely reasonable. She's so wonderful. Everyone I've ever met, including myself, agrees with you. Here's a question. How should I act to get a man? So like, okay, like, what did Tiffany and what did Natalie do

to make you go, oh, this is the person I wanna be with? Wow, that's a great question. It's an interesting question. And then what did Wally and Irma do for you to say, that's who I wanna be with? Really wild that Nick responded with wow. I will say that I never had any doubt of Natalie's authenticity as a person and like I immediately was like oh you're being completely real with

me, this is who you are, there's no artifice here. The first one of the like the thing I remember is that I my wife Natalie I she gave I talked with her for a while on one of our birthdays I don't remember which, and then I like just for some reason at the end I asked for her email address, I don't know why. The most romantic story you'll hear all night folks. Can you give me my, what's your email on one of our birthdays? And then I, because our birthdays are 11 days apart. And you guys knew each other from high school?

We knew each other from high school but we didn't start talking until after college and I emailed her a week later because I was like, I don't know, I don't want to seem desperate. And her reply was, wow, you sure took your sweet time emailing me. Jesus. And I was like, oh, this is who, this is, like, that made me like her more, because I was like, oh, this is who you are, you're not even trying to be like, diplomatic here, you're just like giving me shit

for being kind of an asshole in this situation. And that's like kind of how, that's kind of how she's been throughout this relationship. She's like kind of put me in my place when I need to be put in my place when no one else will do it. And the subject of the email, the body of the email is just a zero, zero, zero,

one, one, one, zero, zero, zero. I guess I gotta cut and paste this into human translator Hey, Nicole, I want to say oh Shit, everyone got quiet. Um, that's what a crowd is You're beautiful. I know. Yes. Thank you I'm not trying to get cheers. You're funny. I know. Thank you. You're fun to be around. Yeah. Thank you It's just the right person coming and getting you and it's gonna fucking happen Wow I'm just trying to be real

I'm with Mitch to double down on what you said you said what how do I need to act to get a boyfriend? You act like yourself right yes, and wait and wait for a man who has the fucking balls to date you. Aww. Agreed. Otherwise, you're gonna be pretending to be someone else and get some fucking pussy to step his way in there and be like, I think I like this. And then, no, you can't fucking handle this woman.

Yeah. Unless you're ready for this woman. Alright? So, if you're gonna for this woman, all right? So if you're gonna come, come correct, motherfuckers. Yeah! Come correct and on my titties! Don't come on my face, I spent time on this.

It's expensive, yes. Right. Nicole's a catch. Put your weightlifting vest on, and catch her. I'm allowed to say that, because I'm fat. Yeah. We're two little fatties.

I broke a toilet. I literally can't. This year has been bad. And I was talking to Sashir, and I was like, I don't know what I did to have karma be like this I won't get into everything that's happened but it's been bad um let's see I like thank you so much I do like to do questions from the audience so let's let's do that before I ask you guys if you would date me. You've already answered it, but whatever. If you have a question, there's no organized

way. Just a, oh, there is an organized way. Wow. And people are running to the microphone, by the way. Just yet lined up with that mic! They have extra time to figure out the microphone since no one's figuring out the toilets in this place. Wow, look at this line! I'll try to answer as many as possible. There's no way like... There's so many people here, this is insane.

Like 30 people lined up. We have like 12 minutes to answer questions. What does your question say your name, where you're from and how you're feeling. Oh, I am Jillian and I am from Chicago. Hello, doughboys, hello gabris, hello Nicole. How you feeling? Sexy. Yeah. All right. I'm also purse snacks. Oh hell yeah! You gave us nuts! Excellent work on the nuts! I gave you fucking nuts! I got nuts in the first show because I was getting a little too drunk. But now I'm pretty good.

Now I have a shot. Oh, what is happening? Where the hell did you get that from? Oh, okay. She just pointed to the girl behind her as if we're supposed to assume they know each other. What? You fucking squirt vodka? Like what? Hell yeah! Like, what? Hell yeah.

Okay, what is your question? Um, what is your post-sex snack or meal? My pro-snack? No, your post-sex snack or meal. Because I'm going to pander to the Doughboys and Gabris and Nicole. I'm going to pander pander the doughboys and assume they fucked ever and if you were to ever have sex Mitch what would you eat after yeah it's more so the opposite where my stomach is rumbly and I'll go sit on the

couch away from the personal this is not. Wait you'll you'll fuck and you have to like shit afterwards? Is that what you're saying? It's normal. It's normal. You shit after sex? It's normal if you've been pegged. It's not normal otherwise. Wait, Mitchie, have you not had your ass eaten but you've been pegged?

No, I've never been pegged. Again, the night is a puppy, Mitchell. I like to have high, I like to have high water snacks, like fruits and watermelon, something to rehydrate you. Fancy. Yeah. Something like, something that feels like a fucking Roman emperor would eat after they fucked a sleeve of fucking Spartans or whatever they did. Okay, Weiger, what do you eat after sex? I like a little morning hookup sesh, so I'm gonna say a breakfast burrito. That was, it wasn't even crude, I just fucking grossed you out, I'm sorry.

Are you hungry like right after? I just drink a lot of water because that keeps you alive and I'm like this might happen again. Okay Hello new friend, what's your name? Where are you from? He's the most powerful person in here She's gonna walk into a gay bar and take it over. Yes. And she's gonna say, everyone has to pay attention to me! How you feeling?

My name is Julia, actually. I am, you know, just chilling in Chicago. Is it your birthday? Is it your birthday? It's not my birthday. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here my birthday. Get out of here. That's fine. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of here. No. Get out of here. Get out of here. My friend in the stars. Hey, what's up? What's going on? White women be lying.

White women. She was like, I have the power and you don't. Uh, what's your name? My name is Kina. Where are you from? Southside, bitches! Yeah! How are you feeling? I'm feeling fucking fantastic.

Great, what is your question? And a little drunk. Hey now. And that's part of my question is, some white women like to say that... Sorry? It's okay. You said little drunk

That's my friend I was like she seems like she's gonna talk for five to six seconds Let me get a drink in the mean time Women like to say that whiskey makes them frisky, but what's your thought juice? Does whiskey make me frisky? No, what's your thought juice? What makes you a ho? What drink? Oh life. Truly like I don't even have to say hello to you to fuck you. I can like look at you and be like my pussy's open like I know I will fuck anybody anywhere and any place. Bless you. That's Thank you. Hello, how are you? Okay. What's

your name? Where are you from? How are you feeling? Oh, don't. I'm just a little dumpster bitch. What's up? I'm also a Tinder veteran. So my question is, is there anything that makes you automatically swipe left? Because I'm from a tinder veteran. Okay. So my question is is there anything that makes you automatically swipe left because I'm from Indiana And I automatically swipe left on I know Wow, it is fine you guys Jesus Christ, it gets worse. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, people aren't going to bat against Indiana? Uh-huh. But don't you live in Chicago?

It's not like it's Milan, like, you know, we're like, we all live somewhere. Sorry, continue. You also said it gets worse, so what's up? I automatically swipe left on guys who hold dead animals in their pictures. Which is most guys! Most guys in Indiana! Yeah. One, one, I...

Probably gay dudes snapping in the front row, rarely sold it on, sold it for me, I'm like, you know what, that is gross. Yeah, I mean, are you asking if I would swipe left on that? I'm asking if you have a thing that automatically swipes. Uh, yeah. You know how you look at someone and you're like, their lips are too juicy and... Their eyes are like a little too lecherous and like,

if we hooked up he'd be like, you're my Nubian princess. Like that's... If I get any of that feeling I will swipe left, I'll say no thank you, I know I'm exotic, you feeling, I will swipe left. I'll say no, thank you. I know I'm exotic. You know, that's my thing. Thank you. Hi, hello, how are you? Hello.

Okay, we have very little time. Okay, I'll go really fast. Okay. My name is Max. I am from Evanston. Yes. But I live in Chicago now, so it's like okay. Okay.

I'm feeling really inspired because you've inspired me to do comedy. I just started doing comedy. Hey! Good! And also a podcast. A huge lucrative inspiration. Truly. I cannot wait to make no money. Truly, I made no money for about a decade.

So much fun. Uh, my question is, what is all of your favorite porn to watch? Okay. Yeah. Good question. That is... This is crazy. Can I say that, whoever doesn't get to ask questions, can they just say that Okay. Yeah. Good question. That is. This is crazy. Can I say that whoever doesn't get to ask questions, can they just say their names into the microphone? I think that would be nice, right? Look at how long the line is. Sure. Yes. I will try to get through as many people as possible. I can answer that question with something I'd like in more pornography specifically I'm dying for porn that starts with women in cute outfits Sex with a woman who walked in in a lime green bikini and see through heels

Is it too much to ask for for a chick to have a fucking cardigan on and then have sex? You need to you need to go on like a woman owned or curated porn site, right? You'll get more that's what I heard of women have told me go to female directors. You'll get like a story I don't need a story. Oh, I'm all about this story. Why girl? What's your favorite porn? It's got to be PNV I think like What? PNV. PNV. I'm sorry, I said... I used to like, there was a time when I would be okay with girl on girl, but now I feel

like I need to see a penis in a vagina. But I want a guy... There's too many guys with like wrestler bodies, you know what I mean? Where they're like, they have like a long, like like greasy ponytail and they got like huge biceps and a huge Gut and I'm just like give me a guy who's in shape. I'm like and I'm not sure to body shame anyone I'm gonna say this again. Yeah, you need to look at female curated porn. Thank you. Yes Shows a man who looks good who also looks like a dude in the world, right? This is interesting to me that men are like,

we want people who represent us. Which is what women have been saying for years. Wow. You're asking a very specific couple of guys what kind of porn we want. Well, you all have so many people who listen to your podcast. I'm sure they have the same opinions.

And female curated porn is very, I think is great. Because if you want a storyline, it's there. If you want someone who looks like you, it's there. Anything you truly want is there. And I feel like PornHub or whatever is just like this abyss of like, you know, a lot of like fucking facials and a lot of people who are related On these web site. I never wanted to be like, what's my brother taste like like it's Weird is divorce so popular that it's fun to fuck step siblings

according to step siblings? According to my Porn Hub landing page. But honestly, if that is your kink, no shame. What porn do you watch, Mitchie Mitch? I'm not a huge porn guy. I know this is a weird thing to say. It's not weird. Don't boo me. No one booed. But I will say, just keeping on

the subject, one of the first times I ever masturbated, I found a photo in my basement. And I masturbated to it, and I found out it was my grandma's sister. No. Don't boo me! Let me finish my story and then you can boo me. Fucking great auntie, who gives a shit?

No. I won't shame you, you didn't know. Fuck, if she, there was some youth potion, I'd fuck her in a second. Don't go on. Oh, I'm sorry. Was she, was she like, was she naked or something? She was just looking good in some sort of 1950s outfit. I don't know. Jesus.

She was just looking good. Oh, this photo of a woman unlabeled in my mom's basement. There's no way it's a relative. You jacked up to like a Polaroid of a woman in a house dress. Don't leave the photos around, people. Less than all house dress. Don't leave the photos around people. Listen to all of you. Don't leave them around. Your mom's got a bleacher basement.

I was just looking through my mom's yearbook and found a woman with the same last name as me. It was the same first name. The last name was, it was Kareen Donovan. It was weird. You remember? Okay. This poor woman, she was like, I asked one question.

I really, I'm into this man named Owen Gray right now. And I have several of his videos bookmarked. Wait, wait, what's this? What's his deal? So Owen Gray is like, he's thin, tattooed, and he looks like dudes I fuck a lot. Can I just say that sounds like the C.W. Dorian Gray, by the way? Sure. C.W. Dorian Gray by the way? Sure.

CW Dorian Gray is from Fifty Shades of Gray you dumbass. Fuck. No, I mean he's from other things. Oscar Wilde. He's from an Oscar Wilde novel. Hey, I'm right. Dorian Gray is Fifty Shades of Gray. So what I have-

I don't want to wade into this bookmobile conversation you guys are having up here. So what I have bookmarked is um, it's uh, oh wait let me find it. He fucks, athletic babe gets fucked hard by white dick. I just like, I like watching white dudes with black women and I think it's because I fuck a lot of white dudes. Also I watch a lot of black on black fucking. Ah! Did you say it was a YouTube channel?

What is this? Yeah, it's a YouTube channel. He plays Minecraft and fucks black chicks. He plays Minecraft and fucks black chicks. Thank you so much. Thank you, Max. All right, we gotta truce through these. Should they say their names now?

Say your name. Say your name. Oh yeah, my name is Amanda. All right, we got it. We got a true say their names now say your name say your name Oh, yeah, my name is Amanda. Thank you originally California by living in Chicago for four years. Yeah, great. What's your question? My question is what is the weirdest sex story that you all have? I went home with a bartender on st. Patrick's Day and When he came he kind of like spider-climbed up me and jizzed in my face. It was pretty upsetting. Wow.

This isn't my weirdest, but I'll just tell one that's off that. One of the first times I had sex with my now wife, we were just college friends and I pulled out, looked down, and came in my own eyes. That's good. That's good as hell. Sort of like I pulled out and I was like I think I'm about to come and I looked and I went oh yeah yeah definitely came. And I would like to think that was the moment Tiffany went I'ma marry that man. I hope he tells his story on a podcast I love this so much I got one okay one Thanksgiving I got a little tipsy I fucked my grandma's sister I've seen the picture Nana thank you why are do you have one real quick I can't follow

that okay okay hi I'm Monica how are from? I'm from Cleveland, Chicago. How are you feeling? Enthralled. Okay. What's that? I actually have a personal selfish question. I just want to see one of the tattoos you designed yourself. I know this isn't a visual medium. Me? Yeah, you. Well, I made these stars on Microsoft Word. And then... Wait. on, I made these stars on Microsoft Word. And then, Wait, you have clip art tattoos? This was also made on Microsoft Word. And then this was made on Microsoft Word.

You have clip art tattoos? Hey, if you're a fan of Why Won't you date me send her a log into your Photoshop I think four or five tattoos. I made on Microsoft word. Did anyone else design their own tattoo? Sorry double question I did this is a Google image of Long Island that me and my brothers traced and then tattooed onto our Only one this is my only tattoo, yes. Why? I don't have tattoos. Yeah, we don't.

We're squares. I have so many. I have maybe 15? I don't know. Thank you so much. Hey, what's up? What's your name? Oh, two people.

Wow. Say your names at the same time. All right, one, two, three. Brandon. Where are you from? Chicago. One, two, three, Chicago. How you feeling?

One, two, three. How you feeling? He's got the best, one, two, three, how you feeling? He's got the best fan for you here. He's got your fan and your Cluck fans. Wow. Thank you. That's fucking awesome. Thank you so much. It's a Patrick Swayze.

All brands in, all brands in. It should keep your paint this year. What is your question? Just a classic like fuck, marry, kill. Nicole, Weiger, Gabris, and Mitch. Oh, this is for me? All of you motherfuckers. That's a great, Nicole, fuck, marry, kill.

Fuck, marry, kill. Ahhhhh! Gabris, Gabris, Gabris, Fuck Mary-Kill. No, I've known you the longest. When I was coming up in improv, I would see Gabris on stage and I was like, oh boy, let's see what I could do. Yeah. The feeling is mutual. I'd watch you come in going, oh girl, let me see what I can do. And then Tiffany would be like, what? And I'd be like, I love you. Yeah.

All right, Gabris, fuck, marry, kill. Oh, I'd fuck you, marry Mitch, and I'd kill Weiger. Wow! But to be fair, upon killing Weiger would be my biggest orgasm. Weiger, fuck, marry, kill. I'm interested in Weiger's response. I'd fuck Gabis, marry you.

I'd kill Mitch, but I know Mitch wants to die. What would you do with the Door Boys podcast? Mitch, fuck, marry, kill. I'd fuck Weiger, I'd marry Weiger, and then I'd kill Weiger. Perfect. Thank you guys so much. So I have the subtext of your entire podcast. All right, let's try to get as many as possible. Perfect. Thank you guys so much. Sort out the subtext of your entire podcast.

Alright, let's try to get as many as possible. I don't know what time I have to end. Marissa, what time? There's enough people in line to last a full hour. Ten? Ten minutes. Ten minutes, okay. Your name and your question. Hi, I'm Dixie, I'm from Detroit, and my question is, what's poppin'? I'm a loud person, and'm from Detroit and my question is what's poppin? I'm a loud person and I know you guys are too

What is the advice that you have for people who tell you like stop talking loud like I get so annoyed hang out with new people We have made a career and made money on being so fucking annoying and loud. I'm not even funny, I'm just loud. Do you have a go-to phrase at all? A go-to phrase? No. No, I truly am just like, if you don't like it, you don't like it. Hold on, hold on. Do you have a go-to phrase? Yeah, what do you say?

Well, do you guys know Tiffany from like, Flava Flav? Oh yeah, Tiffany Pollard? Can we give a queen her full recognition? Yep, Tiffany Quinn. Tiffany New York Pollard. I love her. Well, I don't know if you guys remember this scene, but she goes like, oh, they're being a loud pack of idiot bitches. And I embrace that. I like being a loud pack of idiot bitches. I like being a lot Say sorry, I'm being too loud and people are like you're not I'm like well Then you just co-signed the most obnoxious conversation you've ever I never say sorry I just read about how they hate me on your podcast on reddit

I won't let it go. There's a whole thread about how they were scared for you. And I was like It's really funny to get into my head and be like Gabriel seemed weird about Nicole. I'm like you underestimate my friendship with Nicole Thank you so much. I love you guys. Thank you. Hi. Hi. Hi. What's your name? Hi? I'm on What's your question? I'm from a small town Wisconsin, not Appleton. Fuck Appleton. What's up? Fuck Appleton. Why are you getting on board with that? Why has fucked an apple before? For those who don't know. He's fucked a ton of apples. Yes. So my question is, I'm actually kind of mad because you talked about it already, but who have you pegged and been pegged? Why did you point to me? No!

I was just like doing a whole like… I've never been pegged. I've got nothing against it. It doesn't seem… It's not on my bucket list. I'm not like dying to be pegged. Why you're never been pegged? I'd be down for it if my partner was like… Natalie. Yeah, if Natalie was down, Natalie was was like, hey I want to do it. I should say if Tiffany was like, a thing that would make me...

I really want to do it. Yeah, I would let her down. Yeah, of course. Yeah. She lets me put on a Wonder Woman outfit, so I should let her put me... Hold on a second. Oh wait, is this weird to ask? Have you been pegged?

Or have you pegged someone? Or have you pegged someone? Yeah, have you pegged somebody? Which is the more traditional question. Thank you, gamers. I haven't, but I'm working on it. God bless you. Pegged or have you pegged someone? More traditional thank you gamers God bless you on your journey is Bless you I say God bless you God bless you not the pegings not new new. Where is it coming from? So much begging tonight. I think the I think the term is newish.

No! The term is within the past 20 years. You say pegging, I think Pirates of the Caribbean, I don't think fucking Butch. Yes, I want Captain Jack Sparrow to put his leg in my asshole. Hahaha! I have not pegged anybody, but I was with someone on and off for a while, and we were like making plans to do it and then it was off and then it stayed off. So I never got a chance to

peg. You gotta do it. Thank you. I mean we'll do it together. Wow, okay. Annika coming in hot with the pitch. All right. I'm just not going to watch the meet and greet later. Yeah, I All right, I'm gonna I just thought I'm gonna watch the meet and greet later Yeah, I might actually go to my first ever meeting Thank you so much. All right. Hey So glad you guys saw that Also everyone saw that Mean to laugh. You were fine, but that was very funny.

I love the scene support from the woman behind you in line. Black women are here to save America. You're no different. Podcasting is an audio fucking medium. If you're listening, this woman, she's very kind. She stepped on the base of the microphone and the microphone hit her in the fucking face. I sure did.

It was very funny and I really thank you. Are your teeth still there? I think so. I'll check after. What's your name? My name is Katie. I am from Chicago. Yeah. Yeah, baby, what's your question?

So my question is, I'm getting married in September. Wow! That's more of a brag. I'm sorry, Nicole. Yes, to answer your question, Wiger will jump out of your cake at your bachelor. Thank you, that was my second question. No, so my fiancé and I were writing our vows. I was listening to a Nailed It episode and got some inspiration.

I'm sorry, why won't you date me episode and got some inspiration. So how can I convince my fiance to say you're the love of my life and your titties are nice, will you be my wife in front of all of our family, all of our friends, everybody. He won't do it. I'm a silly bitch and I feel like whoever is with me would be like, I'm with this silly bitch. She wants me to do X, Y, and Z. Get your fucking fiance up here because I want to say- Is he here?

Is he here? Is he here? Come on, damn! Oh, he's coming! Oh, if there's a God above, he'll put his teeth right into the microphone. He was not! Why won't you say it? Who says I won't? Alright, alright.

Are you fucking Beyonce? Are you Christopher Walken Jr.? No, I want to surprise him. Who says I won't? Okay, so then you can't say that. You gotta say something wilder. Because that's already the ground layer. You gotta fucking yes and it. Yeah, from where I'm sitting, your fiance seems to have beautiful tits. Yeah, she got rockin' titty.

Yeah, just do yourself a favor. And bring it up at the ceremony. Just don't say the N-word. Ten steps ahead of you. Nicole, I didn't know how it came up at my wedding and I'm sorry. I should have removed the N-word from my vows. Gabris, it really upset me. But you just keep bringing it up.

Can I just say, can I quickly say that while your fiance hit her teeth, it gave Gabris a spare few seconds to try to shake out more booze from a completely empty bottle. That bottle is so dry. I'm sorry. How dry is it? How dry is it? She's laying in the bed in Palmerston. That's where Mitch lives. My advice is you gotta say something wilder.

If you do say something wilder, please have a recording sent to me. Thank you so much. Congratulations! You were so nice to her when you were here. You were so kind. What is your name? My name is Nadia Nadia. Okay. Where are you from? What do how are you feeling I'm feeling fucking thin. Yes, of course you are Nadia what's going on? Okay. First of all, you're gorgeous. I love you. You're amazing So the girl who was worried about being loud don don't give a fuck, people always gonna have something

to say. Yes bitch, yes Nadia. So just let go. Yes Nadia, Nadia's about to save this audience. Nadia, what else you gonna preach? Yes Nadia, we are in church. Nadia's got, Nadia's got me walking again. Yes. Yes!

This has got me walking again! Yes! Yes! Gabris was black in another life. What's up, Nadia? Are you done? Woo! Yes, Nadia! Yes!

I am constantly asking white men if they're done. What's up, Nadia? Nadia, get on stage! No, no, no, there's no way for you to do it. It's truly impossible. Don't do that, Nadia. It was so hard for me. I know my limits, Sid. That's a no. I know my limits. What's up, Nadia? Okay, so my question is, as a big girl, as a big woman, what is your weirdest sex position you ever had and would never do it again?

Oh, honestly, I know what I love. I love doggy style. I don't like the one where you lie on your side and then someone's trying to hold your leg up and then also enter you. I'm like, what are we doing, fucking yoga? Like, leave me the fuck alone, penetrate me and come, you know?

Like, I feel like that's the wildest one. But also, like, people know what they're getting into. I've never had anyone be like, let me put you against a wall and really hold your weight, you know? I've had a guy try to, and he almost succeeded, have me upside down. Wow.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I believe, I believe Nadia's definitely- You've never been happier than to see you pretend to go upside down.

And full well know you weren't gonna do and just go. I think she was demonstrating the pile driver. I mean, that's too much. Like, what are you trying to do? Was this like the first time you had sex with this dude? Yeah. It's just like, bitch. That's a little lie for the first time.

He was like, but I got you. I was like, no, you don't. Which is like so funny to be like trying. Trust me, you don't. Yeah, like trying to have sex and be like we're having a full ass argument like what are you trying to prove go to the gym and lift weights I'm standing there half naked like so I can go. Because at this point, you know, we... We're standing naked. What? What?

We was in the midst of being naked. They were still doing foreplay. Leave her alone. I had a drink in my hand. You had a drink in your hand? Were you still at the demonstrate the bar no we was at his place I'm sorry I can't go up upside down until this drink is unless you have a sippy cup lid then go nuts okay you guys yes I've never been upside down yeah I mean it's dangerous for me to even be on top.

When I'm on top, I can see my wife going, like, checking the structural integrity of the bed, the house we live in. I can't even visualize what Nadia is describing. That's how much of a squirreler I am. I got bad news. I've been visualizing it way too much. Are you done? Yeah. Thank you, Nadia. Nadia? of a square I am I got bad news I've been visualizing it way too much Are you done?

Yeah Ahhhh thank you Nadya Nadya I'm about to be done We have four more questions Hi hi hi Hi this is so exciting my name is Michael Hello My question is for only Nicole

That's fine we won't talk No we won't we're going to stay silent I don't know how many white people would be here, but now this feels like a serious question. Nicole, have you ever heard about race, slave play, and what's your thoughts about it? Um, I mean... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Gavriss and I are going to handle this one. Noddy out, noddy out, control him. I've never, like, talked to anyone who's done racial slave play. But it's insane, right? I think it's a little insane, but I'm not gonna knock somebody's kink. If someone would like to hear, Get back in the back house and fuck it!

I mean, if that's what gets you off, that's what gets you off. I think it's wild. Because my husband's a writer from Wisconsin, I own him. Like, I don't know. I love it! Wait, I still don't understand why you don't want my opinion. Are you done? Are you done? I just I think it's like I don't know if that's your kink. That's your kink But for me, that's like not my whole jam I don't I did like but that's not saying like I like to be tied up Tommy

I but like not I only see there's a right way in a wrong way Like huh like not like 500 pounds if I'm like you don't want to look you me I'll go this 500 pounds when you go here's a slave. Oh I watched that one time and I said it's not my lexicon I don't know whenever there's a slave movie getting nominated for an Oscar. I'm like we can do more Nicole was like 500 pounds who told no I don't know whenever there's a slave movie getting nominated for an Oscar. I'm like we can do more Nicole was like 500 pounds who told no not yet But I think it's kind of wild that's that's my answer and then gabris loves it Weiger doesn't like it and Mitch is like curious

I'm gonna do some googling when we're done. That's for sure. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Nicole, other people. What's going on? Hey! He's leaving! He left the building! He really did, he left! What a power mose! He left the building! He rules! I just want to say. Power mode. He really did. He left. What a power mode. He left the building. Hey, he rules. Hi, hi, hi. I just want to say. Shut up. What's your name?

Hi, I'm Kira. Kira. Okay, where are you from? I'm from the north side of Chicago. The north side? With the white lesbians. Oh, I know. In Andersonville.

My whole family lives on the south side, and I was convinced there was no white people in Chicago for like 20 years. That's like 12 years. Well then I went to the North Side and I was like, it's a whole new world. So what is your question? Okay, so I'm on all the dating apps and they're all trash for different reasons. Very bad. So I'm wondering, if you could build your perfect dating app, what would it look like? They would not exist someone but love me

I mean, I think realistically it would just be a marketplace of men who are like I'm an ally I Accept women I'm a feminist, but I don't have to say I'm a feminist People I'll eat you out. I'll ask you questions during sex. I got a big ol' honkin' dick. Mitch wouldn't be on it. I'm kidding. Mitch spent the whole power hour being like, I don't have a dick. It's true. What? So what the heck did you spell out was Nicole Questionnaire before they even get approved. I just really want just nice kind people. That's it. I got an answer. It'd be one pick and one pick only my great auntie. Oh my god. She said oh my god. It should be. Is your grandma still alive? Is she listening to this podcast? No she's my gosh. It should be, it should be. Is your grandma still alive? Is she listening to this part again? No, she's long dead. It should be one picture, like customs,

like a passport photo. You get one picture, you don't get 12 poses in different cliffs. In different cliffs. Like everyone's dating apps is like, oh here's me photoshopped lifting weights. It's like, I want a fucking white background, insane close up sweaty photo. It's like I want a fucking white background, insane

close-up sweaty photo. That's a white people shit. Black people don't take pictures on cliffs. Yeah, you mean black people. I don't know. Thank you so much. Okay we have two more. What is your question? Sorry. Hi I'm CJ. Hello CJ. I'm a refugee from South Carolina. That's a weird boat ride. Mostly rivers and lakes. Stick to the ones you're used to. Alright CJ. What do you want to say?

Um, so I just became a flight attendant and I'm just curious, what do you think the most sexual city is? The most sexual city? I don't know. Fuck you. Uh, I don't know, the coasts? I feel like the coasts are more sexual. Or cities, I think major cities, I don't know the coasts. I feel like the coasts are more sexual or cities. I think major cities I don't know you guys. I got an answer Chicago, Illinois Thank you, CJ. My last question is a white woman Happy birthday, Krista

All right, what is your name? Hi, my name is Heather. I'm from the trash city of St. Louis. Yep, Heather. That was literally everyone's second guess. Heather, Nicole, the widest names ever. But is there a pop culture moment that is to find the people that you fuck? Wow What?

Because for me it would be I've got two I graduated high school in 2008 So I love dirty metal dudes and my mom made me watch Blazing Saddles a lot So cleavon little was like a whole sexual awakening for me. So, uh... A black cowboy as or as they should be called in history. Cowboys. Cowboys. Yeah, just cowboys. That's our ally. There he is. Which is, I hate cowboy hats, but Cleavon Little. Let's do it.

Let's see. I have an answer. I went to high school in the late 90s. if you have short hair if you have like a drastic haircut as a woman, I'm on board If you're trying something new that only like Polish women have pulled off Your boy is signed up can't wait to see you on makeout club The first time I saw Mighty Morphin Power Rangers I was like pop for that that I was like tree the yellow Ranger okay I'm set like that's what I'm looking for and you ended up marrying an Asian woman who knows

martial arts I was really into Hilda and Zelda on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I wore that shit out like it was a porno, I swear to God. Are those the cat's names on Sabrina? No, those are aunts and he loves fucking beat it to an aunt. I'd like to be beating it to an aunt? No, to an aunt, your mom's sister. It was a callback. Oh my god It was a great callback. It was a great fucking callback From cereal I guess I like fucking nerds. I don't know my sister watched a lot of Pokemon

So like when a dude's like I like Pokemon, I'm like, do you? Because I know a lot about them. Because you've got yourself a Squirtle right here. And they're playing Pokemon Go and letting you fuck. Oh yeah, the Squirtle all over your face. I love Jigglypuff and I've really been trying to... Hold on a second. Really make people let me be Jigglypuff in a movie.

Oh, you'd be great. Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff! That should happen, that's insane! I know, but like also, Jigglypuff, if Jigglypuff could talk, she would probably be able to actually sing, because that's her whole thing, or their whole thing. I don't want to gender Jigglypuff.

Sure. But like, their whole thing is like they sing and people go to sleep But I was like I can't really sing but like I just want to be Julie puff You know I'm saying also like I want to be Charmander Charmander is also adorable. I love Charmander but then I'm like Mewtwo damn thighs If if Mewtwo didn't have a tail dead ass, you know If if Mewtwo didn't have a tail dead ass, you know While we're talking about hot cartoons, I've been cranking it to the hormone monster from Big Mouth for the last couple years

Whoa, she's there was too much of a recognition applause Thought I was saying something alienating I didn't realize how many people would be on board room full of. Thank you so much, Heather. We gotta wrap it up. I think I'm getting a light. I don't know. I think so. But if you liked this episode of Lai Longji, gimme. If you send me something nasty, I'll read it. This is from a person who I think changed their name so I wouldn't say it out loud. But it said, if we ever get it on, I'm gonna lick that pussy and drink that juice like you the Kool-Aid jammer jug. Never mind, I don't know where I was going with that. I'm too high for this, have a good life. Respond to me, Nicole, respond. Let's see if I can find another one. Well, there was one that was so nasty. It was about

putting me upside down and filling me with clam chowder. That was really upsetting. Why is everyone going upside down? What the fuck is going on? You got to get these girls home and you got to get them upside down. Okay, this person said, okay, here's my dirty stuff. I would love to do it with you. Damn right, I'd start by eating that pussy. Yum, yum, yum. Followed by a good hard fuck missionary. Followed by a deep hard doggy.

Can always mix it up with your other preferred positions. Would love to finish by coming right in your pussy. And then having a 69 with you on top so I can clean that pussy up. Oh my god. Now that's an ally. As you suck my cock clean. Dinner before or after depending on your preference. Uh, before.

Yeah. See, this isn't done. Safe sex is always recommended, but this is a fantasy, LOL. So if you send me shit like that, I laugh very hard and I'll read it out loud. Honestly guys, thank you so much for coming out. I laugh very hard and I'll read it out loud. Honestly guys, thank you so much for coming out. Give it up again for John Gabras, Nick Lager, and Mike Mitchell. And Nicole Ballard.

This has been Why Won't You Day Me. Thank you so much, Chicago! Yeah!