Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Big Dick Energy (w/ Conan O'Brien)

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

Conan O'Brien is here to help solve the root problems behind Nicole's singledom. They also discuss his sexually repressed Catholic upbringing, what it's like to have Big Dick Energy, and his plans for his 20th wedding anniversary. Nicole demands to marry into the O'Brien family, explains to Conan how some of her vibrators work, and describes how she's now using a Theragun to masturbate. Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could jerk off into my wallpaper glue and then I have to put my wallpaper up with your cum. My guest today, I'm not even going to give him credits because he's so wonderful.

He's so kind. He gave me my first late night interview and i'll forever be thankful and grateful it's conan o'brien wow that was an incredible intro except for the wallpaper glue part ah yeah you didn't like that well i just first of all i don't think it would be a good adherent. I don't think it would really work as a wallpaper glue. So I think that's just a waste of man's most vital fluid. So that's my only problem with that, you know? Yeah, sorry.

Sorry to start with a negative, but- Hey, it's okay. Yeah, I'm not saying I've tried it. I'm not saying I've tried it. I use a regular wallpaper glue. I've never tried that other method, but- Do you have wallpaper in your home? I don't have my wallpaper,

any wallpaper in this home in Los Angeles, but I had this little antique house in Connecticut and years ago, I put up some old wallpaper in one of the rooms to make it feel like it was a little antique room. Ooh. Yeah, yeah. This is why I'm thought of as asexual by everybody listening right now. There is nothing about Conan O'Brien putting up antique wallpaper that's getting anybody hot and heavy.

I don't know. HGTV is a whole network dedicated to home decorating. And I know some people are getting off to the Property Brothers, House Hunter Renovations, Joanna and Chip. So I don't know. There's somebody out there who was like, oh, Conan talking about wallpapering an antique room.

Yeah. There's someone out there who just did that. Was that someone sexually aroused or someone whose head was being crushed in a vice? I wasn't sure which one that was. You know, it could be either or, but I think it's like sexy. Yeah, yeah.

Conan, how are you? It's 2021. We're still inside. There was a coup the other day. What's going on? You know, it was a crazy time. And I will tell the listeners that you and I were supposed to talk. We were supposed to get on on the air and talk and have this interview, which I was really looking forward to. And 45 minutes, I think, before we were supposed to go and tape this interview,

someone yells, turn on CNN. I turned it on in my house, and I see people trying to lead an insurrection against the United States of America. And I'm watching it, and it got crazier and crazier and crazier in real time. We all saw it unfold. And then I quickly called my producer, Adam Sachs, and said, Adam, I don't know that Nicole and I

can be talking about sex at this moment. And then I found out that you were kind of feeling the same way. So we put it off and now they're throwing people in jail. I feel better and punishment is being meted out and the Capitol is safe and the election has been certified. So I'm ready to get sexy. Yeah. Okay. Well, Conan,

let's get sexy. So I feel like I know the answer to this, but no, you're married. I'm not going to ask if you're single. You're married, correct? Yes, I'm married. I mean, it's always could go either way. I'll be honest with you. If depends on how this goes, but I am 19 years into a marriage, which means, yeah, it is nice, but it also, I like to tell my wife, we can't settle in. I'm about to go talk to Nicole Byer. And if things heat up there, we'll see. So she understands that I don't think a marriage contract is like there you're done.

And now both parties can just, you know, are free to just settle into a rut. I think both parties have to stay on their toes. You got to earn that marriage every day, which is why this is the way the invasion of the Capitol was a threat to our democracy. What we're doing right now is a threat to my 19-year marriage. No, no, we're going to talk about how wonderful your 19-year marriage is. 19 years is a very long time, which means you're older than I thought.

Well, how old did you think I was? I thought you were like 40. That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I'm 41. Wait, are you really? No. Oh, because I was going to be like, oh, then I wasn't that far off. No, no.

I'm going to tell you, I am 57 years old. Dang. Yeah. Didn't know that. You're aging so well. Is it because of money or do you take care of yourself? Is it because of money or do you take care of yourself? You know, I have to say that I think anyone who would be lying if they said,

like if I had to get up every morning at 5 o'clock in the morning and go down into a mine shaft and work all day, yeah, I wouldn't look like this. So people that think that money has nothing to do with it, it's nice to be able to afford to have time to go to the gym and stuff like that. So I think that to be perfectly honest, that helps. But I think a lot of it too is, I'm gonna be honest, I was gonna do a joke,

but I think sleep. I really do. I'm a believer in sleep. And my dad used to tell me, even when I was a kid, my dad's a doctor and he was like, I'm telling you, nothing's more important than sleep. So I am one of those guys that tries to get at least eight or more hours a night. So that doesn't hurt. That doesn't hurt. Yeah. It's helped you. Maybe I should get, I don't sleep very well. I go to sleep at like 3 a.m.

and then sometimes I have to wake up at like six. Today I did not wake up at six. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why are you going to sleep at 3 a.m.? Because what if I miss something? What if something fun happens and I miss that? What if a good meme is circulating and I miss that? And I'm, I don't know. I just can't sleep at night. I, ever since I was a little kid, I, I was just like, I don't, things might be happening and I need to be awake for it. And it just never left me. Let me ask you this.

Are you ever able to take a nap like during the day if you could? Cause that helps. I can. I love a nap. So I can wake up at like 1030, be awake for a half hour and 11 be like, I've worked too hard. Better take a nap. Yeah.

You know what? This is interesting. You have, yeah, I think one of the sexiest podcasts out there. Thank you. You really do. You really do. And you know I've been a fan of yours for a very long time, and I've given you dating advice over the years,

which clearly was probably not good advice. But I've, you know, I've always shocked when you tell me that you haven't found the right guy because I think you're beautiful and so funny. Thank you. Why doesn't this woman, you know, you have your pick. So I love that you have this very sexy podcast. And immediately I took it into napping. I single-handedly, I single-handedly de-sexed your podcast. And for that, I apologize. It's okay. I like talking about napping. Also, napping is something you do after sex or not, maybe not a nap. Maybe it's just like a, you go to sleep for the night. I don't know. So, Conan, listen. I'm talking to this boy.

I met him on one of the dating apps that I'm on. I'm on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Hinge, Raya, Woo Plus, which is for fat ladies, which has the most insane people on it. What? It's called Woo Plus? Yes. I will read to you some of the things I have found on Woo Plus. Yeah, I guess it's specifically for fat ladies or fat people, people who like the fats. And... Do you reveal who you are on these or do you use an alias?

I don't use an alias. I say that I'm Nicole. I don't use my last name, but I guess my last name's out there. And I guess I could, but I I just don't but you ever on these sites reveal to people yeah I'm Nicole Byer I'm kind of famous you know people like does that ever happen do people go like wait a minute you're Nicole Byer no well sometimes people will go oh I know who you are you're very funny that's nice but I never it is nice but then also sometimes i'm like well what have you seen because there's been some gentlemen who have seen my interview with you where i say i want a big

dick and then that's on the forefront of their mind and like one guy went out with he was like i mean i've only seen i don't really know who you are i've seen one interview you're on conan and uh i just don't want you to get too excited because I don't have a big one. And I was like, oh boy. Oh my God, you're talking about this before anything's even happened. That's a little rough that you put it out there that you wanted a very large penis, that that was a prerequisite.

That would frighten, clearly, not me, but a lot of men would be petrified, you know, that that might scare them off. Do you ever worry about that? Do you ever think of lowering your standard for penis size maybe a little bit? But here's the thing, Conan, I'm a comedian. Jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.

Obviously, like, okay, maybe i am a bit of a size queen and maybe i do love a big rage and honking dick but like also i like a personality and i like someone who's nice to me do you know what i mean so it's just like i don't know i i guess i have to date someone who just can separate shit who could be like okay the person that i see on tv is an amplified it's like a yes it's the extended version of lord of the rings you're getting a who just can separate shit, who could be like, okay, the person that I see on TV is an amplified, it's the extended version of Lord of the Rings. You're getting a little bit extra when you watch me on TV as opposed to when I'm in person.

But like a lot of comedy, there's some truth in it. Oh, yes. So you have, you've added, maybe you could say you've, at the risk of being crass, maybe you've added some inches through your comedy to what you require. Yes. Right?

Maybe you've added some girth to what you really require for the sake of comedy, but still a guy has to know that if he's not fairly well endowed, he's wasting his time. True or false? He's not wasting his time because there's other things that one can do to make me happy. You could, you know, you could go down on me. You could, there's so many other things that you could do. But I will say a big honking dick, you know, when you pull down your pants and you're like, ooh, wow, what a treat. That's a nice little treat what a dream but uh if you don't have it but like we get along and like life is

good and then i think when i start dating again corona is gonna really make me like have to slow down because i can't just jump in bed with people because they might kill me right so i think now it's gonna be like oh i need you to have a good personality and then we can figure out other shit which is so annoying I never wanted to be that girl who was like oh my god I'm gonna wait six dates to have sex but like now we have to because there's a global pandemic and I don't want to die well first of all no one's calling it a pandemic I am it's a pandemic I'm okay well you know what? My mistake. Yes, they are because you are,

and now that's going to catch on. But while this pandemic is going on, you know, as long as he's wearing a mask, you're wearing a mask, you're each, you know, covered in plastic, head to toe, and you've both been tested beforehand, and I mean right beforehand,

then you're set to go. Yeah, but like, am I now gonna be paying for like rapid tests? Am I gonna have a nurse on call? You have to. That's what I intend to do. You know, look, if I were single right now, I would have a physician with me at all times.

I would also be in one of those plastic bubbles, you know, that- Well, I did buy a big helmet that looks insane. It's like a, it's truly this big plastic helmet. You should wear a Darth Vader helmet and then get really nasty, you know? Still be as, you're most sexual, but wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

And if he's got a Stormtrooper helmet and he's being incredibly sexual, that's, first of all, got to film that that's fantastic yes i'd want to see that also i think if i did that and became known as like the girl who fucked in a darth vader mask i would definitely not be single ever again in my life there would be so many nerds just clamoring to get my clam but, I don't know if I really want a nerd nerd. I've seen all of Star Wars now and I don't get being obsessed with it.

They're not great. Well, I have to say I'm not obsessed with Star Wars. I never was. I enjoy it. But when people start to go down the road of, you know, Palpatine knows blith blurp and the Federation is run by nine codicils. I don't know what, I'm gone.

I'm gone, you know? I only knew who Palpatine was. Right. Wait, nevermind. I don't know. I just know the name. I don't know. I don't remember who he is.

I think he was the guy that has a skin condition who's an emperor, I think. Oh, who turns all purple after he throws Samuel L. Jackson out the window? I don't even know if I saw that one. That's one of the prequels. Okay. I think. I think I saw a pre pre prequel

that it takes place in the 1940s. They're all wearing fedoras. Yeah, it's one of the ones. I would watch Star Wars set in the 1940s. It's one of the ones that. They're all wearing fedoras. Yeah. I would watch Star Wars set in the 1940s. It's one of the ones that no one really got too interested in. But listen, this is the question we have to ask. It is, seriously, you have this podcast

and you wanna know, will people date you? And I have to say as your friend, as someone who's known you a long time and admired you, I don't understand why you don't have someone if you want them. I feel it's all what you want. You feel like you would be in control. You're very confident. Yes.

You know? So what's the issue? I think the issue, so I've been doing the show for two and a half years. And the conclusion I have drawn, I think, is I might be a little too assertive. I might be too busy. Also, L.A. is a pretty superficial place, so I might be too fat. Also, I might be too fat also I might be too black I'm now learning that LA isn't as a liberal lovey-dovey inclusive racially harmonious as I once thought it was really yeah because I mean

I would think that's not just LA that might be what people are learning in a lot of places in America which is they thought you know I mean, I'm ashamed to admit that I grew up when I went to a public school system and it was very progressive, you know? And, you know, it was just Malcolm X posters on the wall and me hearing about racism in the past tense and me really feeling, I think I came of age, like in my twenties thinking, yeah, they got rid of racism. That's, and me really feeling, I think I came of age like in my twenties thinking,

yeah, they got rid of racism. That's, and I really believe that. And it's been a little bit of a wake up call several times in the last 25, 30 years where I'm reminded, oh, we didn't get as far as I thought we got. And yeah. It's depressing. I think that maybe the school systems like a real blind spot teaching that racism was done.

And it's like we had our sit ins. There's, you know, the Civil Rights Act. It's done. And it's like, well, no, it's not done. Like a friend of mine just posted on Instagram that she got a drive by hate crime. Someone yelled the N word at her. And really, she lives where I live, which is like, you know, a very left side of town, a very like progressive side of town.

And it's like, well, if people are driving through our neighborhoods screaming that at us, like then maybe that is affecting my dating life. Like maybe, you know. Well, that's horrible. But then that's the other question is, when you're dating, are you thinking about the race of the person you want to date or is that completely not an issue?

Me personally, it's not an issue. For a very long time. I did not seek out black men to date because black men would question my blackness. Uh, I dated this black guy when, uh, in college. And he, at one point asked me why I spoke so funny. He's like, why do you sound like that? And I was like, I don't know. It's just the way I sound. And it was a thing that just kept getting brought up so I was like I guess I only date white guys because I'd rather be called exotic than you know have my blackness question but now at the ripe old age of 37 38 42 who knows I don't care who I date I just I really

just want someone who like looks at me the way my dad looked at my mom. Like my mom was a very funny, loud woman. And my dad was very quiet and just really liked this loud lady. And that's what I want. Someone to like this loud lady. Yeah. Well, I am very up to, I mean, first of all, it's going to happen. That is going to happen for you. So I have, I have no issue about that or no question about that.

What I have, you know, what I can help you less with is the nitty gritty, sexy, dick side of dating. That's probably where I'm less helpful to you. Well, okay, you said you'd be helpful. Conan, do you have brothers? Do you have friends who are single? Help me, help me. Do you have brothers? Do you have friends who are single? Help me. Help me.

Do you have a friend? Yes, I have friends who are single. I'm not going to get you involved with anyone in my family. But why, Conan? Let me be an O'Brien. You don't want it. Trust me. I do.

I want to be an O'Brien. You don't want to be an O'Brien. You're Irish, right? I want to be an O'Brien. R to R to T. I wanna be an O'Brien. You don't want to be an O'Brien. You're Irish, right? I wanna be an O'Brien. Ar-ta-tar-ta-tee, let me be an O'Brien. Ar-ta-tar-ta-ta-tee. You don't want any part of my family tree. But I do.

You're tall, so if I had kids with a family member of yours, I'd have tall kids, what a dang treat. Yeah, then you'd have, they'd be serially depressed. They'd have all kinds of crazy issues that have a lot of body shame because that just comes with our culture. They'd have all this ingrained Catholic self-hating stuff that actually is, I think it takes generations,

generations to get out. It's gonna take generations to fix. You don't wanna do that to your kids. But I'll raise my little O'Briens to love their bodies. They're never gonna go to church because I don't go to church. And then they'll be great. It doesn't work that way.

It's in our blood. That's the problem. There's body same. So you can, let's say in an alternate universe, I wasn't married and you and I, and I know this is what the kids, you and I got it on as the kids say today. Yeah. And then there's

a child. You could be the most progressive mom in the world and you would be and you'd be fantastic. And you'd notice that your son doesn't want to be naked in front of you. And also doesn't want to start dating till he's in his mid-30s. Wait, did you not start dating till your mid-30s?

No, that's a joke. But still, we're late bloomers, you know? We're not out there when we're 12, 13, and 14, you know, trying to get the, you know, condom machine to work at the local gas station. You know, that's not us. The condom machine? You are old.

I've never seen a condom machine. Oh, yes. In my day, there were condom machines. What would happen is your car would run low on petrol and you'd stop off at a gas station and a bunch of white guys in white uniforms would come out and scrub up your car and you'd go in and you'd say,

now it's time to get a condom from the condom machine. And you'd put in a nickel and then you'd say, oh, this is the wrong size. But that's not, listen, we went down a dark alley there. Yeah, I told you I was born in 1926 and I've been around a long time, but I will tell you that what goes back to the original point is that my body's shame,

like my wife is yet to see me naked. I'm constantly clothed. Oh, come on. What's with this body shame, Conan? You're tall, you have all of your teeth and you've got a lovely body well you haven't seen it i mean i can imagine it like you could imagine anybody's body with like their clothes you see them you're like oh they probably look like this yeah now i'm at now add to that image

you have bright coppery hair okay okay and some freckles where freckles shouldn't be. Wow. What little treats. It's like the sun kissed you all over. You know what my mother told me? My mother told me when I was a kid, I asked her, why do I have these freckles? And she said, that's where angels kissed you.

That's what my mom told me. And then later I was looking at parts of my body where these freckles were. And I was like, this is borderline abuse. I was abused by angels. These angels shouldn't have been here. What were they doing down there?

Why? Where do they do this? Yeah, so I'm suing some angels right now. You gotta do it. It's been tied up in the courts for years. But I'm saying, I don't, I do think that there's been tied up in the courts for years, but I'm saying, I don't, I do think that there's stuff that's ingrained. I do wish, honestly, that I had grown up, because I know over the years, I've talked to so many people, and I remember talking to the supermodel, Rebecca Romijn, and she was telling me that she grew up in a very hippy-dippy household,

and the parents, because I think maybe, I forget where they're, but it's some Nordic country. Like the parents were from Sweden or Norway or something. But she said the parents would walk around in the house naked. Like everyone was naked around each other. And then it was just very natural. And I, whatever that is, I come from the opposite of that.

No nudity. No one sees anybody naked. Everyone's fully clothed at all times. Sex is not, we didn't discuss sex when I was growing up. We still don't discuss it. Yeah, and when something sexy came on TV, it was like the sixth sense. Everyone could suddenly see their breath

if we were all watching television. And this is back before you had a remote control that you had to actually go to the TV and turn it. So if we were watching, I remember really clearly, PBS was showing this special series called Caligula. And I think my dad probably thought, well, this will be good. Not Caligula, I'm sorry, iClaudius.

This will be good for the kids. It's about ancient Rome. So we're all sitting around watching this PBS, public broadcasting special, same channel that shows Sesame Street. And guys are walking around in Togus and suddenly they cut to a woman and she had her breasts out because it was made in England.

And suddenly all of us, the entire family's watching the TV. All of us could see our breath. All of us could see our breath. Like the, like the temperature went down a hundred degrees in the room, but no one could go to the TV and turn it off because that would be admitting what we were seeing. So everyone,

and no one can look away because if you look away, that's acknowledging that their tits out. So everyone, and no one can look away because if you look away, that's acknowledging that they're tits out. So all of us are frozen and we just waited for that scene to end. And then another scene started. And then one by one, we all drifted to different corners of the house and hated ourselves.

Hated ourselves. That's so funny. I guess I grew up in the middle of that. Like, I found out what sex was maybe in like kindergarten because my mom could still pick me up out of the car. I found this book called Our Bodies, Our Minds. This is blue book explained what sex was. I was scandalized. And I like before mom lifted me out of the car, I showed her the book and I was like, did daddy do this to you? And she was like, yes. And I was like, why would you let him?

And I was so upset with him. I was just upset about the whole thing. How old were you at this point? Maybe like five or six. I was still small enough to be lifted. So young. And then time went on. And I was like, OK with it.

And then I remember watching this movie Soul Food with my mom. And there's a scene where one of the cousins fucks her cousin's husband, like not her cousin, but her cousin's husband. And they're like up against the wall standing doing it. And I was watching it with my mother. My mother turned to me and she said, that's hard. And I was like, OK, don't need to know. that's hard. And I was like, okay, don't need to know that like, you and my dad trying to fuck standing up and she would do shit like that

all the time. Just like, that's hard. That's hard. Yeah. You need a lot of, here's what, here's the point,

Nicole. Listen, listen, what you need is, you need a lot of leverage and you need low back strength. You're like, I'm good mom.

I don't need to know you yeah she would always do shit like that and then she let us watch like things that she liked so i saw like ally mcbeal had that dancing baby for her like ticking time clock and i like didn't get it i was like what is this baby and then finally as like an adult i was like oh now i get it why was i watching this as like a 10 year old? Right. But you know, my mom, she was a fun lady. Well, I mean, I think first of all, you are very comfortable with yourself.

I think that one of the big keys to your personality is, I mean, I know a lot of people in comedy who are funny, but not necessarily comfortable with themselves. And you know exactly who you are. And I think that is a very sexy trait. I think that's a very attractive trait. I really do. I really do think the key to a lot of this,

obviously we have this culture that's obsessed with, you know, people looking like they've been airbrushed or they look a certain way, but I think people that are confident and happy with themselves have a 60% advantage over everybody else. 60%. That's a good, that's a fair advantage. I just, I'm having trouble with like the dating apps.

And like, I mean, right now I'm in a boot. I have screws in my ankle and I can't walk because I fell down the stairs, Conan. Yay. I like how we can just say yay at the end of anything and make it okay. I was burned with a hot acid. Woo!

Yay! Get that acid, girl! I was shot in the knee with a 22 caliber. Woo, 22 caliber. Yes. Do it, girl. But I like don't know how to talk to people on apps. Because like, okay, so I have a date set up with this boy.

And it's not until February. So now we just have to keep texting. And I feel insane because I don't know him. And like, he's been asking a lot of questions and I've been like answering them and asking him questions. But I'm like, this is now a texting relationship. And I don't know. Wait, why February?

Why so long? Is it, is that because of COVID or? No, because so I have this boot on and then I don't get the screws out until the 25th. And it just seems insane to have my roommate drop me off at the park for a date. And then I crutch on over and then I'm like, okay, my roommate's coming to pick me up.

It just really infantilizes the whole situation for me. So what was the nature of your injury? Is it broken? Is it sprained? I dislocated my ankle as a whole. My ankle was literally on the opposite way. Uh, it was really fucking gross. And then I broke my, or yeah, I broke my fibula. So it, which isn't like super load bearing and it doesn't, it didn't hurt, but the dislocated ankle truly hurt so much. didn't hurt but the dislocated ankle truly hurt so much now obviously this is going to interfere with your sex life yes well yes well i mean covid has really interfered with it yeah but let's say

covid wasn't an issue right now would you be attempting to have a normal sex life with a giant boot on yes really absolutely do you think it would add anything to it in a way? I think it might add to it because, well, my roommate said with my crutches and my boot and my little COVID helmet that I look like Mr. Freeze. So, I mean, without that. I'm getting all hot and bothered here. So maybe somebody's into that. They like crutches. They like a boot.

Yeah, I just would feel so much better like to have my roommate drop me off at like a restaurant or something. Just not like an outdoor park area. Yeah. It feels insane. But I'm intrigued. I know my, I'm intrigued about the, yeah,

that you're still, yes, the boot is, the boot and the crutches would not get in the way. No. If, yeah. And I do think there'd be guys that would be into it. I really do. I think so. Also the boot can come off, but in the beginning, like, so I fell in right before the Friday before Thanksgiving. And I was like afraid to masturbate because I was like, well, what if I like, what if I fall off the bed, which is an insane worry. But you know, sometimes you go so hard, you fall down. So I didn't masturbate for a while. Tell me about it. I love how you need a reason, a reason, a medical reason to be afraid to masturbate. a medical reason to be afraid to masturbate.

I've been afraid to masturbate since 1971, okay? Nixon was in office, and I just, every time I would go to do it, I would picture him going, what are you doing? What are you doing? So, wow, okay. Really?

So you fall off the bed. That's an actual thing that could happen. I mean, it's been a very long time since I've had sex because of COVID. And truly, I could. I could go out and have sex, but I've been working. And then if I get sick, I affect a crew of people who are trying to feed their fucking families. Yes. So I'm just like, you know, trying to be responsible. You're being responsible.

Just trying. But yeah, I fall down sometimes because, you know, you got to move to bigger and better things. Right now I'm using a Theragun and they're powerful. Wait a minute. You're using a Theragun? Those are designed. Those are like jackhammers. My wife got me a Theragun because I run

and my legs get super tight sometimes and I'll use them on my legs to like literally pound the shit. It's like out of my legs. That is a hydraulic drill. Yeah, it's great. You could open the sidewalk with a Theragun. You're using that to masturbate. Yep, just jackhammer my clit off. It's great. I love it. You're using that to masturbate. Yep. Just jackhammer McClitoff.

It's great. I love it. You know what's going to happen? It's going to send you back in time. You're going to start. This is true. I've actually looked into it. If you masturbate, if you're a woman that masturbates with a Theragun, there's a danger that suddenly you'll wake up in Ford's Theater moments before Lincoln is shot. that suddenly you'll wake up in Ford's Theater moments before Lincoln is shot. Honestly, for me, what an awful time to be plopped into. They're like, he's about to shoot Abraham Lincoln. They're like, but there's a black.

And it's like, ah! And what is she doing to herself? Why is she, she's naked, and what is she doing? But then, it's your job to stop John Wilkes Booth. Yes. Or you'd be too interested in your own pleasure. I mean, I think it would just be like, well, I guess I got to turn it off.

But like, if I'm almost there, I got to finish. Honestly, somebody who writes porn needs to write this porn. It's very funny. So what you're saying is that you'd see a guy, John Wilkes Booth, about to shoot Lincoln and take America into the worst, some of the worst

times in its history, and you are trying to weigh, do I save Lincoln, or do I have my orgasm? I'm just trying to relay to you how magical the Theragun is that I wouldn't know if this is like real or if this is like my orgasm come plane that I'm on. I would be like, I don't know. I don't know if this is real or if I'm about to come real hard.

So maybe I just keep going to see if it's like, maybe I'll go somewhere else and it's going to be magical. You know, do do you when you're using the theragun to pleasure yourself yes you have do your neighbors think that you're you're having construction done in your apartment is that what they think maybe i often worry if my roommate can hear me or the nice man who lives with me. And I haven't asked. Of course they can. It's a Theragun. This thing is designed, I mean, you can take apart an airplane using a Theragun. It'll take the rivets out of an aluminum wing.

And you're using it plus you're orgasming. So, yes, of course. Of course, not only can they hear you, people outside your zip code are wondering what's going on. It is truly so loud. Good God. But I love it. I love my Theragun.

I really want to write a letter to Theragun and be like, you guys are miracle workers. This is leagues beyond the Hitachi magic wand this is it's beautiful I love it I love my Theragun what's the help educate me the Hitachi magic wand yes how is that what is that like is that one of those you know where they have sometimes like it looks like uh not that I know trust me no my wife does not need to self-pleasure. Seriously, I'm sure if I opened her closet, just 900 different devices would fall out.

Just would fall down on you. Yeah, they're called the anything but Conan's. But some of them are like a little egg or something, you know, that slightly vibrates and coos. That's bullshit, right? That's not for me. I think that's for someone who's not for me i don't i think that's for someone who's like maintaining who like has a partner they fuck their partner and then they're

like oh my partner's gone i'm gonna you know have a little time for me this is like i i haven't had a partner in a very long time so like we gotta jackhammer it to feel uh-huh now do you think there's another question because you have this, you could probably get to do an ad for the Theragun people. And then you could start talking about the Theragun. Would love to. And you could start by saying, it's so good if you're a runner,

if you do yoga, if you ski, if you do anything where you're using major muscle groups and they get tight, but also take it from me and then you go off in this whole other direction. I mean, I would love to do an ad for Theragun.

I genuinely love it because also I do use it on my knee. So like I've been hopping around. I like that you use it for both. So sometimes you're working on your knee and you're like, this is really helping. This is really, this is really helping me out with my injury. It's really good for my knee. And Hey, wait a minute. Look, what's close by down here anyway. I mean, more or less. Yes. Well, I do my knee during the day. So I guess it's so my roommate, the nice man who lives with me,

can like get like accommodated and accustomed to the noise. So when it happens late at night, they just go, oh, she's working on her knee. Well, then there's probably other noises involved. No, Conan, I'm very quiet. You don't shout sweet Jesus. No, I save that from when I'm with somebody. So I can like be like, this is good. I like it.

When I'm alone, I'm like, well, of course it's good. I like it. I'm doing it. Don't you think the Theragun has feelings? Don't you think the Theragun wants encouragement? Don't you think the Theragun likes to know it's doing its job? Tonight I'm going to say, ooh, Theragun, thank you so much. Ooh, Theragun, that's good.

Ooh, Theragun. Good. They were good, that's good. They were good. Well, it sounds like you, I admire that you have such a healthy and relaxed attitude about it all. I have a question for you, which I'm curious about,

which is, you know, people, my assistant Sona is always talking about, oh, that guy, he's got big dick energy. You know, she'll talk about guys that have big dick energy. And it's got me wondering, can a guy have big dick energy who doesn't have a big dick? I almost always think someone who has big dick energy does not have a big dick. Wow. Okay.

All right. Just because it's like you're overcompensating you're like too confident and then like you get in bed with them and you're like oh well this is why because i feel like people with like actual big dicks or at least the people i've been on dates with who have like huge huge huge raging honking dicks that like make me sore and i think about them the next day all those people have been like pretty chill and i I wasn't like, oh my God, is it gonna be? But maybe that is big dick energy is just being very chill. Oh, maybe.

Maybe I don't understand big dick energy. Huh. I don't know. I just know that it's something I've heard some of the ladies talking about at my office. And they'll talk about different celebrities who've got big dick energy. And then as a joke, not long ago,

I think I said, I think on my podcast, yep, you know me, I got that big dick energy and all the women laughed way too hard for way too long. And I'm a comedian, so I like like getting a laugh but this laugh went on for so long and it was made them so happy they were crying that i became very insulted and that got me obsessed with how do what am i doing wrong i clearly do not have what's called BDE. I don't have that, but- But you do have W-E, wonderful energy. Oh, I've never felt shittier about myself. It's so good I'm not on the dating scene

because I'd be starting in apps. I'd be writing in apps, I don't have big dick energy, but ladies, I have wonderful energy. And then nothing. Just absolutely nothing. I'd be checking my feed every 10 minutes, then every day, then every three days, and then nothing. Wait, Conan, you said you had single people in your life to give me.

Who will you give me? What a wild way to phrase that. I know. Who will you give me? Yeah. Conan, who will you give me? I'm having a man way to phrase that. I know. Who will you give me? Yeah. Conan, who will you give me? I'm having a man brought to you. I want to just clap my hands.

I'm having a man brought to you. I'm having nine men brought to you, and you will choose which one you wish to keep. I would love that, Conan. Well, what are you looking for? I mean, that's what I want to know. What kind of guy? Okay.

I would like somebody. I don't care about the age anymore, because, I don't know, age is, it's what I want to know. What kind of guy? Okay. I would like somebody. I don't care about the age anymore because I don't know. Ages. It's just a number. Aaliyah said it. I believe it. Um, I would like them to have a job that they like, but I get it. You know, Corona, they, they could be furloughed.

That's okay too. Um, I mean, I'd like for them to be taller than me but that doesn't really matter if they're nice they have to be nice to me they have to think I'm funny they have to get my jokes they gotta wanna fuck they have to

how often? how often do they have to I mean preferably at least once a day if not twice a day. Okay. Well, that may help. I mean, but you also want them to have a job. Yes.

So that's the problem, is that the more times you want to do it during the day, the more the job's going to get in the way. But wait, no. Okay, so we do it in the morning when we wake up. We brush our teeth, and then we fuck. And then he goes to work, and then I go to work. And then when we get off of work, we have a nice dinner filled with vegetables because I'm a vegan,

except for the chicken I ate last night and the ranch I love. And then after dinner, we fuck again and then we go to sleep. So that's twice. Oh, I thought that was three times because I thought you said we wake up and we do it. Then we brush our teeth and we do it again.

And that's where I checked out because that's, you know, I need recovery time. You know, I need, yeah, I need to after I orgasm, I need to go to a hospital. A hospital? Yeah, I need several days of just to be, I need plasma.

I need an IV. I need to be rehydrated. And I just need quiet time for like, I'm going to say minimum four days. Okay, well, don't go to Glendale Memorial. It's the worst hospital I've ever been. What? Yeah, that's where they took me when I fell down the stairs.

I left a review on Google. I said I'd rather die than come here. I truly hate Glendale Memorial. So you can't go there. What did they do that was so terrible? A nurse tried to steal my underwear. Okay, here's the story. What?

What are you talking about? No. No. No, that didn't happen. That didn't happen. That's what everyone has said when I've told them just that sentence. But I think I told the story on the podcast i don't know because i recorded the day after i fell and i was on a lot of drugs anywho so i had to pee and they were like ah you can't you can't walk so that's going to be

an issue and i was like well how do people pee when they can't walk and then they're like let's get jenna or whatever her name was and then jen comes in. She's like, OK, so this is a machine that a man made for his wife who had cancer. So you put this little it was like a a tubey thing with like a patch on it. And she's like, you put that down on yourself and then you pee. And then the tube that it's connected to sucks it all up into this canister. And I said, OK. And then she was like, OK, put it on. So I put it on me. And then she was like, OK it on so i put it on me and then she was like okay now go and she hadn't like turned on a switch or anything but i didn't know that that's what you needed to do so i did it and then she's like huh it's not sucking and i was like no i just peed on myself and she was like oh no we have to clean you up and i pulled my pants down far enough

that like if anything had happened they wouldn't have gotten wet right so then she like cleans me up changes the sheets under me and then she's like we got to get these panties off they're all wet and I was like they're not wet and she's pulling them and I'm pulling them and we're like having a tug of war with my underwear fighting over your underwear yes and then she was like what do you mean they're not wet and I was like I pulled them down far enough she went well aren't you smart and then she walked away, what do you mean they're not wet? And I was like, I pulled them down far enough and she went, well, aren't you smart? And then she walked away and it was very, very jarring. She tried to take them.

I don't know where she was going to take them. You know, I've read about there is someone posing as a nurse that's stealing women's underwear. Well, her name's Jenny and she's at Glendale Memorial. Now she moves from hospital to hospital. They've been looking for her for months now.

She, you know, mostly in the Los Angeles area, but she has also been seen in the Pacific Northwest. So keep your eyes out for her. Well, my eyes are peeled and I think I've met her. Wait, Conan, real quick, we gotta take a break. And we're back. All right, Conan. Please say that was an ad for Theragun.

Please. I hope it was an ad for Theragun. I guess I'll have to reach out to Theragun and see if they need... I'll help you with this. I don't know... I'll help you with this. Okay, will you please...

I will contact Theragun and I will say, not that I'm like a mover and shaker, but I will get in touch with Theragun and I will say, if you can get Nicole Byer telling customers this whole other asset and side to Theragun, your sales will double overnight. I truly think they will. There's a lot of single people who are looking for the next best thing. So I love my Theragun and I also love this thing called a Tracy's dog.

That's my other favorite toy and uh what does that do those two things so okay one part goes inside your uh vulva no your your vagina yeah your your vagina can't help you yeah i can't help you with the other part uh yes you can conan let's go through the anatomy of a lady. You got your clit button. You got your pee hole. You got your pussy hole. And you go all around. And that's a pussy.

And those are the parts. That's what it's all about. This is a song that you learned on Sesame Street. Is that what you're saying? Uh-huh. And that's how I learned about my anatomy. So one part goes in the vagina, and where does the other part go? The other part sits on your clit, and it's a sucker.

And then it, like, sucks on your clit. And then the part in your vagina vibrates on your G-spot. And all of the reviews on Google are very funny. They're like, I fell out of the bathtub. Or I came so hard, my leg fell off or whatever. And what's it called again? I want to get the word out about this device. It's called a Tracy's dog.

Okay, let me ask you a question. Do you think that cancer would be cured by now if half the ingenuity that went into making these machines went into curing cancer? I feel like we're siphoning off some of our best brain power. And I'm not saying it's not a legitimate, you know, concern, women orgasming all by themselves with a machine. But think of what mankind might have accomplished if some of this thought had gone into curing cancer. What do you think? I think about shit

like that a lot. Like, you know, they made Viagra. So like lip dicks could get hard again. And that took a lot of research. Well, you know, it was an accident. Did you know that? What? No, I didn't. It was an accident.

Yeah, they were, that was a side effect. They were developing a drug. This is true. They were developing a drug for completely different reasons. And then this side effect was that people got these raging erections. And I think when they first were developing,

they were like, shit, well, this drug doesn't work and it gives you this weird side effect. And I think someone at Pfizer, whoever it was, was like, you know, wait a minute, ka-ching. Yeah, and that's how Viagra was invented. I did not know that. They were not trying to invent an erectile dysfunction drug.

They were trying to, you know, fix glaucoma or something. And then they realized that people were walking around with hat racks in their crotch. And they were like, wait a minute. And I think for, you know, at first, someone probably got chewed out, like you're fired. All this drug does is turn a 60-year-old man's flaccid penis into a raging hard 20-year-old penis.

So get out of here. And then I think the next day they had to find that guy and bring him back. Get back, get back in here. You're hired. We need more of this. It's apparently the most successful drug in the history of the world.

Wait, is it really? I think it's very successful, yeah. I mean, yeah. I wouldn't know. I'm not, I am not, you know, I'm not a single man. Obviously, I haven't been for a long time. I don't know how that drug works like how do you have to i have a lot of questions i think you just take it and then like a couple minutes later

like any drug a couple minutes later you got a big old hard dick yeah but you have to time it if you're in that situation do you say excuse me i'm gonna go to the restroom and swallow a pill what do you do i think you could just say excuse I'm going to go to the restroom and then just swallow the pill and not announce it. Okay. I think. I mean. Have you experienced someone using that? No, not that I know of.

But maybe somebody did use it and I just didn't know it. Right. But, you know, either way, I don't mind. I think it's like whatever you need to do. Cool. Wait, Conan, so you've been married for 19 years. so is this you're gonna be your 20th year anniversary no no no my 20th anniversary is actually like in like literally three days I think wait really yeah so that's

not I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry my 19th is in three days sorry. My 19th is in three days. Oh, okay. My 20th is in a year. But I knew my wife for two years before we were married, so we've really known each other like 21 years at this point. Well, what are you going to do for your official 20th anniversary? That's a good question. You have to plan something good. But here's the problem. We're in, you know, normally I would,

well, first of all, COVID will be over. So it's going to be over. It is going to be over. So yes, we'll plan something good. And this gives me time to, maybe they have a Viagra that takes a year to kick in. So what I'll do is, You'll take it right now.

I'll take it on my 19th anniversary. I'll say, hey, baby, and I'll take it. And then over a year, slowly, very slowly, and then ka-dang, I'm all set. And she'll be like, this isn't the gif I wanted. She'll be like, I wanted that watch, asshole. I want the watch. And then I'll say, look what's on the erection.

And then you'll see. That's a good way to say it. And it'll be a nice, beautiful watch. Wait, does your wife have friends? Help me date somebody, Conan. Well, first of all, I gotta go. I mean, I know people in comedy, but I don't know if you want a comedy person because you know how damaged men in comedy and women, there's a lot of

damage there. And I don't know, like, that's a legitimate question is, of course I know lots of single guys who are in comedy. Okay, fine. But do you want to be the only person in the relationship in comedy? Because sometimes that's a better way to go. I think this might sound mean, but I think I'd only be able to date someone who's at the same level as me or higher. I think if somebody who is like just starting out or like just gaining some traction

might be in a way jealous that i have what i have and not understand that like i've been working for so long right and that's not mean i won't be working for so long yeah so yeah i just don't want anyone to like be jealous or like be mean to me because they like don't understand why they have these like feelings of aggression towards me. You know what I'm saying? Yep. It's, you know, when both people are in show business, I imagine, especially comedy, I imagine it's got to be really hard because, and then things change. Like one person starts working more, one person starts working less. I don't know. I just always think that's kind of a powder keg, you know?

Yeah, I think so too. What does your wife do, if you don't mind me asking? Not at all. She's a Jesuit priest. Oh, okay. I'm kidding. All right, come on, Jesuit. My wife, when I met her, was in advertising.

She was an advertising executive. And then when she got pregnant with our first child, I think she started, I think it was around then, she started working on, her real passion is writing. So she's been writing plays. She works with different playwriting organizations and theater groups. And she's a dramaturg, which means she reads other people's plays

and tries to help them and gets involved a lot in independent theater. And she works really hard. Very proud of her. She's really smart. It's hilarious to see that my bed stand and her bed stand, hers, you know, mine is always like

some cheesy historical murder mystery and then hers hers is just like the great you know aristotle and plato and uh all the just the you know beckett all the great playwrights and she's constantly reading that stuff and i get really intimidated because she's she's really really brilliant. She's really smart and creative. Oh, I really like listening to people talk about their significant others because you can't really see it, but I could see it. You're like face changed when you talked about her. And that's like so magical. It's truly a dream. And that's what I want. I want my face to change when i talk about somebody that i love i want their face to change when someone's like oh who are you dating it's like oh nicole

she's so wonderful that's it's so magical it was really lovely to say well you know i i would tell you i i this can sound very west West Coast and granola-y and spiritual, and I'm so not that person, but what I have come to believe, and actually I talk to a lot of the women in my office about this. I tell them, like my big thing when I talk to younger women that work on the staff,

if they ever, you know, holiday party or whatever, and they're talking about dating and how hard it is right now, I just, my big thing is don't settle. Like do not settle. Don't settle. I did not settle. And there's not a day in my life when I don't think,

oh man, I've made good, I've had good ideas and bad ideas, but 19 years ago I made the exact right call. And that's the way you wanna feel. And that's what you, you just keep going until you find that person. Like that's what you deserve. You deserve that.

And you do, you really do. Thank you, Conan. I think I deserve it too. You do. And I think what's gonna, what helps you so much is you really do know what you want and you're a very confident, attractive person. So that's just gonna happen.

It's just a question of when. It's gonna happen when you're not thinking about it. You're gonna be at a CVS and you're gonna bump into somebody. That's when it happens. That's what people say. They say when you're not thinking about it, you're not looking for it, that's when it happens.

But I'm always thinking about it and looking for it. So... Well, I think that's the other thing that's a little tricky about apps because apps are so, all these dating apps, it's very hard to be surprised because it's all set up by an algorithm. And I'm not, and look, dating apps are fantastic. And I know so many people that have gotten together that way and been happy. So it's, happy. So it's great, but I don't, I think people should in this modern era should still include the possibility that it's not gonna happen on an app.

It's gonna happen when they're not on an app and they're someplace or they're having a bite with a friend of theirs. And then someone at the next table says, hi, cause they're friends with your friend and they're with a friend. And then you start chatting with that guy and then you bangs and the next thing you know you're that's the person and so it can happen either way but i think some people think it can only happen on an app which is not true well i can't wait to eat at

a restaurant again so i can meet i know no i'm kidding i truly cannot wait to eat at a restaurant again so I can meet somebody. No, I'm kidding. I truly cannot wait to eat at a restaurant. I miss it. I miss just like, I don't know. You have a fun conversation with the table next to you. Yes. I miss not cooking all the time. I fucking hate it. I'm bad at it.

I have to say it's the thing I miss the most. The two things I miss the most are, I just like from my show, the only way I can talk to my writers is to get on a Zoom where we're all in 35 different, and it kind of works. It's pretty good, but being in a room full of funny people,

that's the only reason I got into this business. I love being around funny people. I love sitting in a room full of other comedians or writers or sketch performers and just being stupid and laughing my ass off. I miss that. And maybe more than that, I miss restaurants. You would actually, someone comes up and says,

what would you like? And you say, I would like some veal Parmesan and I would like a glass of Pinot Noir, the one that's from, you know, the, you know, whatever, Willamette Valley in Oregon. And they're like, yes, I'll bring that to you. That was incredible. I can't believe we ever took that for granted.

I know, it feels insane. I can't believe we ever took that for granted. I know. It feels insane. I also really miss performing. I haven't done, I've done like three standup shows where I did like 15 minutes or whatever. But like, I haven't done my hour in almost a year. And at this point, I don't know, I don't know my hour. Right. And that feels insane.

That's, have you, did you ever do Largo Theater? Yes, I love Largo. That's, have you, did you ever do Largo Theater? Yes, I love Largo. That's where we've been doing my show. And I go in there and I realized this is the last place just before COVID, literally days before they said, oh, we can't have, I did a show and Adam Sandler was in it. It was just one of those shows that Judd Apatow put together and Sandler was in it and Eric Idle and I was in it.

And it was such a blast. And then two days later, like this iron door came down and there was no more performing. And now I'm in Largo doing my show, but it's empty because it has to be. And we're wearing masks and being super careful, but it's empty because it has to be. And we're wearing masks and being super careful, but it's insane because I think, man, that's coming up on a year. That's coming up on, it's like been 10 months. It's crazy. It feels fucking insane. I love Largo. Flanny's so great.

He, uh, he was just like, he let me do like, I think I did my first live episode of my podcast at Largo. He, yeah, he's, I just, I love that space. Flanny is this crazy Irishman that runs Largo and he's there every day wearing his face mask while we're doing the shows, you know, the COVID safe shows with no audience from Largo. But he's hilarious because everything reminds him of a story, which is such an Irish cliche. He's filled with stories.

Yeah. And you'll literally say something like, I might want to get a ham sandwich for lunch. Ah, ham sandwich puts me in mind of a tale. And then he's telling you the ham sandwich story for 20 minutes. But I love him. Everybody loves him. He's great. Oh, yeah.

That's one of my favorite places to perform in LA, that and UCB Franklin. Oh boy. I can't wait till life is okay again. It'll be okay soon. We just need a few more national turmoils and riots and pandemics and then it'll all get out of our system. Yes, another

turmoil. I got late. Well, Conan, we've come to the end. Yeah. And I ask all of my guests this. You are no fucking different, Conan. I'm gonna ask you. Okay. Would you date me? Yes, I would. Wow!

Yes, I would. I have to have a brief talk with my wife. I think she'll be okay with it because she's a fan of yours, and I think she would, you know, I think I would, look, would I be a little intimidated in some ways? Yes, I would be. I don't, but I think we'd be a good couple.

I really do. All right. I love it. Okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now that you know that I'm older than you thought, come on, you're less interested now.

Nope. Still just as interested. Let me in your family. Let me have a brother. Please let me be Nicole O'Brien. Please. That is what we call a death wish. I'm gonna save your life.

I'll find you someone who's not genetically insane. That's what I'll do. Well, Conan, do you have anything you wanna promote? Sounds wild for me to ask you that, but do you? Just world peace. What's, you know, that's it. And if anyone, yeah. And if anyone hears of a really good, like, real estate deal out there that I should be part of.

Well, apparently you should be buying in New York because New York real estates hit rock bottom prices. Okay. If someone hears of a penthouse apartment anywhere in New York that's going for like $300, I want in. All right. I want in too. I'll put, so if it's $300, I'll put the 20% down, which is $60. So yeah, I can, I'll go in. I'll be your co-signer.

Okay. Yeah. And then you can use it. People will think they're doing construction there all the time. And I'll be like, it's just my Theragun. Ma'am, bricks are coming off the building. Yes, sorry.

I wanna promote you. I'm a huge fan. And so I love that you're doing this. I think you're a great spirit to be out in the world talking to people. And I'm just happy for you. And I think good things will come your way. I do. Oh, Conan, thank you. It's nice to have a cheerleader who's very tall and very redheaded in my corner.

Yes, that's what I do. That's what I do. I appreciate it. Yeah. Well, that's it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, and you can leave me a review on Apple Podcasts, or if you write me a DM on Instagram of a dirty message hitting on me,

I will read it. So this is that's fantastic. I love that. I love that. Well, this one is titled Dirty Little Message. Okay. Hey, Nicole, just wanted to let you know that during the pandemic, I've still been thinking about your sweet, sweet pussy. And I think I found a way for us to both get our rocks off safely. I've secured two biohazard suits and modified the gloves. The gloves have five vibrator attachments instead of fingers. We can maybe meet in a park somewhere and get a little vibration station going and get some much needed pleasure.

Who even knows? We can even create the first dedicated lady glory hole in la dr fauci would give us the covid vaccine after and it would be great uh anyway uh that's it so yes thank you so much this was very this was a nice cute message it wasn't filthy no and i liked it a little dirty uh but uh he put a lot of thought into it and he he he's being covid safe yes i like that uh the the edward scissorhands with five vibrators is fantastic idea they should they should remake that movie uh a slightly different story but basically same idea. I liked it. I really did.

I liked it too. If only he was straight, but I don't have straight men listen to this. I only have, I have like six straight fans and they've all been accounted for. They've all emailed me and said, I am one. And I'm truly not kidding. I only got like six or seven emails to be like,

I'm one of your straight fans. And I was like, I'm correct. There's six or seven emails to be like, I'm one of your straight fans. And I was like, I'm correct. There's six or seven of them. Well, I'm still straight. That could change at any time. And I'm a straight fan. Oh, so you're number eight. Yeah, I'm number eight.

I'm number eight. Well, that's it. Bye bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening.

I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.