Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Black History Year (w/ Bob the Drag Queen)

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

"I was just looking for butthole. And then wrapped around the butthole was a really nice, young, Jewish man."Bob the Drag Queen (winner of RuPaul's Drag Race S8) chats about systematic racism, his two partners, and the confusing social construct of dating, and so much more. Plus, Bob shares some wildly embarrassing hookup stories involving race chasers, and offers Nicole a very interesting dating proposition.For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuSupport Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and places to donate click here: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Advertise on Why Won’t You Date Me via Gumball.fm

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could pick my nose and make me eat it, I would still date you. My guest today, you know I'm from Bob One rupaul's drag race season eight they're on we're here on hbo uh game show black lady sketch show uh you've got your own special suspiciously large woman

it's bob the drag queen we were both on um uh black Show. Yes, we were. We weren't in the same episode. Yeah, we were not. I was watching. I was like, oh my God, Nicole. I actually have two specials out. My latest special came out this past February. Oh, fuck. And it is Bob the Drag Queen Live at Caroline's.

And this one I'm very proud of. It is really fucking funny. I've been thinking about, you've probably been asked this question, but if you start dating, are you going to quit you've probably asked this question but if you start dating are you gonna check are you gonna quit the podcast no no i would just if i was dating a person who was like in the industry and they were like fine about me talking about our relationship then i would talk about it but if i was dating someone who was like oh i don't act i don't do anything i don't want my relationship spoken about then i just wouldn't talk about it i would just interview people strictly on their lives.

Have you considered changing? So why are you dating me? And then when you break up, why did you date me? Yeah, I could just change it to different stages of my life. Why did you stop dating me? What's wrong with me?

Please tell me. I can't wait until you're like, if you ever have kids and you're like, why did you leave? Like you have one call. Like, why did you feel the need to leave the house right at 18, even though that you know that I'm your mother and I want to see you more often? Why did you do that? It's just your way of, like, confronting people who've upset you.

I would love to have kids, like, just solely for the purpose of having a podcast. Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me uh i hope you why did you leave me why did you leave me why did you leave me please tell me why people like oh my god i had to listen to that theme song twice my mom would love a podcast called Why Don't You Visit More Often? Wait, where does your mom live? My mom lives in Atlanta. I'm from Atlanta.

Oh, okay. Oh, I didn't know that. For whatever reason, I thought you were like born and raised. No, Monet is from New York. No. Yeah, everyone thinks, no, Monet is from New York. Everyone thinks I'm from New York City. But it's because I've lived here for 12 years now. And people just associate me with New York City.

But I am a Southerner. I was born in and raised in Georgia and I was raised in Alabama and Mississippi too, but I just don't have a Southern accent. No. Um, I, I mean, I have a,

I have a certain Southern like vernacular, um, but I don't really like say like, Hey, I don't sound like Yuriko Hara. You know what I mean? You sure don't. Or,

or Kennedy, or Kennedy Davenport or Chi Chi Devane. No, you don't sound like Yuriko Hara. You know what I mean? You sure don't. Or Kennedy Davenport or Chi Chi Devane. No. You don't? And I just associate you with New York because that's where I first saw you perform at Barracuda. Oh, my God. You came into Barracuda to see me perform? All the time.

Oh, I guess I've never told you this. Yeah, I would watch you perform all the time in Barracuda. I remember. You know what? I remember because you used to sit at the bar. And then I remember you sitting at the bar. And did you know my friend Erin? Was it Erin Pfeiffer that you knew?

Someone was like, this is Nicole Byer. She's on a show on MTV. I don't remember who it was. But yeah, someone was like, Bob, you should know Nicole. And you were just like, mm. That is not a joke. More than likely what I said was, hey girl and was like oh hey and then kept moving oh yeah realistic you do like to keep it moving but i don't go oh hey how are

y'all this that is right you are right it was oh hey and then also you took a picture with me which is very kind and very nice i gotta find that picture because it's from like 10 years ago. What's the name? He used to come to my shows years ago. And one day I called him like, like Todrick Hall. And I was like, Todrick,

you know, blah, blah, blah. He was like, when I was in Memphis, I used to always come to your shows and tip you and be like, Bob, my name is Todrick.

And I'm like, Oh, Hey, I'm really bad at small talk. I'm the worst at small talk. Well, small talk is upsetting. It's depressing. Especially when you're at a party and you're like, I'm just trying to, you know, fuck somebody or get drunk.

And who are you? Stop talking to me. Yeah. So, and I'm also, whenever I'm in the bar, because I don't drink and because I'm in drag, I'm not hooking up at the bar. So I'm really there to kind of just do my job and walk around and spread a lot of joy and attention to as many people in the room as possible. So that's always been my deal at the bar. And I'm also, there is a certain kind of person in the nightclub who, if you look closely enough, you'll recognize them from elementary school. club who if you look closely enough you'll recognize them from elementary school the person that hangs out at the dj booth and i am the person who goes to the dj booth and talks to them is the same kid that used to hang out with the lunch ladies it's literally the same kid you're going

to someone who's trapped and can't move and you want to just talk to him uh-huh that is so fucking funny i was friends with the lunch ladies in high school because they gave me extra food work well i i was i used to get free i used to get free food did you get free lunch we're going we was broke i used to get free lunch so when you're one of the poor kids they give free lunch to they will just give you they're like it's free who cares this one also i went to like a really poor black school so like i think we were like all on free lunch like if you paid for lunch we were like my word the money the wealth you paid a whole buck 45 for your meal no i had to pay it was like five dollars for lunch and my mother would like try to make me lunch.

And I was like, no, it's cool to eat the shitty food in the cafeteria. But they had spicy chicken today. And that spicy chicken was fucking good. $5? Is that what y'all were paying? I feel like it was like $5. That feels like too much money. There was a short while when I was reduced at lunch.

And my lunch was $0.75. And then there was the free lunch. But I've never paid five. I truly think I paid. Where'd you grow up? Middletown, New Jersey, a very racist little town in Monmouth County, New Jersey. The valedictorian of, so there's two high schools, North and South. The one for North, the one for north when i didn't go to she's black she recently went on instagram was like it's fucking racist here

and a bunch of parents were really upset about it and they're like well you're going to columbia isn't that nice i mean bubble and i was like people can succeed in a shitty situation which is what she's describing and you can't just discount her her experience when i went to school at middletown high school south there was a group of football players who went around saying bones and bones was an acronym for beat on niggers every saturday and it was they were talking about like beating the black schools at football but like it was just like not okay there was like a little there was a little symbol and i remember screaming at this guy anthony my sister has truly she's like please don't say his last name but he's like a district

attorney which i was like i don't know if he's got racist tendencies maybe someone should say his last name but um i like screamed at him in the lunchroom and i was like it's not fucking cool it's not okay and then i got brought to the principal's office because i was the problem and the school never fucking did anything about it. So that's where I grew up. It was like overt, covert, and like truly that's like one of the, not many instances.

There was just like a handful of them, like little microaggressions. That was a macroaggression, but just a little. I would say, yeah, I would say going around saying beat on niggers every Saturday, I would put that slightly that was a macro micro that is that's like one of the yeah that is truly few that i remember but like i truly repressed it until i was talking to my sister and i was like did this actually happen or am i like making this

up it seems insane she was like no it definitely happened and then i tweeted about it and then like a couple girls from my high school were like, oh yeah, I fully remember that. And one of the football players did their little symbol on like our school television network. So like that's, I grew up around a lot of privileged white individuals who have since, since I've known them have flipped to being like Republicans.

And I guess Trump is popular there, which is insane. It's so wild. And I like, I can't believe I grew up there. That's just so different than the experience I had. If you Google my high school and any of the high school graduations, there's no white people.

At my high school, every white girl was called Becky and every white guy was called Brad. I'm telling you, every single white guy at the school, we all, we called them all Brad. Hey Brad. Hey Brad. And all the white girls. Hey Becky.

Oh Becky, how are you? And I didn't really start like meeting like a lot of white people until I went to college. And I was like, this is a very weird thing when you grow up around all one certain type of people. So like I went to school and lived near a bunch of white people and then went to church in a very black neighborhood so i would oscillate between trying to fit in with white kids during the week and then on the weekends trying to code

switch into hanging out and fitting in with the black kids and the black kids sometimes i'd be like why do you sound like that you sound so white you're so weird and granted i am just a little weirdo so i was just weird to everybody but yeah it was just it was really it was tough to navigate and then as an adult i was like i get i live in la la is kind of segregated and i'd be like i have to make black friends so i would seek out black people because i also do improv and improv is so fucking white. Okay. So when I, first of all, that is true. There's one random comment that black folks are like,

well, like white folks are like, we're sticking our white flag in, in improv. White people are the only people I think who will pay to see something that's not tangible. You pay money to sit in a theater for a bunch of people on stage to be like, I'm holding a taco,

but there's no, it's air. It'm holding a taco. But there's no, it's air. It's not a taco. White folks can suspend disbelief for anything except the idea that black people deserve equality. They're like, I can't. You're like, that's too much equality. Guys, get out of here. That would never happen.

You said something. It was like a round table it was like you g a gun i don't remember maybe jiggly and you brought up the fact that like oh it was billboard it was it was a billboard it's a great fucking video i think everybody should watch it i don't know why it doesn't have more views but you said something that hits so like i it never fucking occurred to me because of systemic racism and implicit bias. But you were like a businessman, a white businessman can have a big cowboy hat and be like, y'all, let's get to business. But if a black dude walks in, he's like, yo, nigga, sit down.

Let me tell you what's up with the business. You're like, that man's unprofessional. And it's like, why? It blew my fucking mind. And I was like, peep. I was like, I thought the same. I was like, yeah like yeah of course the southerner would be like a business and it's like but why it's because we have all these fucking things ingrained in our heads so yeah i truly thank you for that video oh my pleasure well basically what it is as black people imagine having every single thing you come up with someone then tells you it is

unprofessional it is ghetto for example we're like what can we do with our hair dreadlocks and then they're like you can't wear that to work it's unprofessional okay how about braids you can't wear that it's unprofessional how about a big afro you can't wear that it's unprofessional okay interesting and then you make music like we make like when when jazz first came out it was not it was not taught in schools and institutions and touted as like this amazing it was like it was it was the devil's music the word jazz in and of itself was a word used to describe how dirty and evil something was you're getting lost in a life of jazz that's how they would say it and then and then white people started loving jazz and then jazz became

great and then blacks look fuck they took jazz let's move on to rock and roll and then rock and roll became the devil's music and then white folks had been like now we love jazz and then black like fuck all right now we got a rap and then they were like this rap stuff is not good this is not art. This is just talking. And now we're stuck with Iggy Azalea. Right? Exactly.

But it's so funny to me the idea they were like, the idea of rap being so much different than poetry, because poetry was like refined, darling. But just take those exact words, put them to a beat, and now it's hood ghetto shit. Even the names that black people have. put them to a beat and now it's hood ghetto shit even the names that black people have imagine if you have roughly uh you've been oppressed for 400 years and then everyone has to come up with your culture in a few minutes all right we gotta pick a name uh my name is uh shaquandra oh my god gross shaquandra is not a good name that is ghetto it's like well bitch we have only had about 154 years to come with our goddamn culture and right now we're at chacondra so we need to have the idea that chacondra is a name that holds value you can be pedro you can be you can be um you can be uh kim kim whatever like all

the other cultures can have names and it doesn't no one's gonna besmirch a a latinx person for being named jose no one's going to besmirch anyone for being like what they are but if you're black you're named shaniqua then people are laughing at you and saying there's something wrong with your name and they're calling it ghetto so every single thing that black people do there's someone from other the powers that be are like be ashamed of that how did black folks are the only people who are ashamed to eat food that is to our culture african america specifically in public mexicans will eat burritos anywhere japanese folks will eat sushi anywhere there's some black people who

don't eat fried chicken in public who won't eat watermelon in public and i mean i do i i don't and that's racism it's so fucking crazy when i'm in the store and I order grape soda, I look into the eyes of the smallest white person I can intimidate. And I say grape soda. Because white folks aren't afraid to eat boiled unseasoned chicken in the middle of a fucking room. So, god damn it. Sorry, I'm on my rant. You can't get me going. You can't get me going like this.

No, I mean, I like it because it's true. I've said it on the podcast before but the reason why my name is nicole and the reason why i sound the way i do is my mother wanted me to sound white on the phone and on paper so when i went into the interview they would be like oh she's black but we already kind of liked her because she doesn't sound do you know what i mean and that's like a fucked up thing to teach your kid yeah and white people don't have to go through that the the first person in my family with a black name was my cousin charlaina and it really shook my family because my family has very quote-unquote white names my

my actual name that no one really calls me the other way. I mean, my friends either call me Bob or they call me Caldwell, which is my last name. But on paper, my name is Christopher Delmar Caldwell. So my family's names like Christopher, Justin, Amanda,

Angela, Ashley, Martha, Hazel, Stephanie, Julius. And then I have a cousin who was named by her mom's side of the family. And they named her Tralina. And girl, girl, my family was like, what? I cannot believe her name is Tralina. But now we're like, oh, yeah, Tralina.

It's a pretty name. It's such a pretty, like like we invented interesting names and now you've got like you know white kids named apple and right haven and nivia to be fair i have a niece named nevaeh i have a niece i have a niece named nevaeh so in in in defense. They reclaimed it. They said, we're gonna reclaim heaven backwards. We're gonna have some black Nevaehs. Yes, God. I will say, too, because

there's a big thing in the South where all black twins had rhyming names. Really? It was like Ryan and Ryan. I went to school with a Ryan and a Ryan. I went to school with a Yolanda and a Zolanda. And I went to school with a Yolanda and a Zolanda. And I went to school with a, which is interesting because Yolanda is a name everyone knows. But Zolanda, I've never heard that name before.

I love Zolanda. I would have been like, this is interesting. And then I went to school with a Dermika and Dernika. And Shamika and, anyway, but like, it was very popular in the South. I have a cousin named Shamika too I also have twin cousins named uh Brandon and Brendan work which I was like why did you do that they're twins they're twins and their names are so similar I can't tell them apart either so I'm just like you this one so they're having twins in the family I'm like twins kind of creep me out a little bit

yeah it's the same person twice. It really is. It is. And also twins are the ultimate example of showing you that people can actually you become whatever you experience. Yes. Because they have the exact same DNA. But because they are having slightly different experiences, they are now different people. That blows my mind. Have you ever seen uh three identical

strangers yes girl it's so fucked up girl that it is so wild if you haven't seen it you gotta but i will tell you this because they they don't really tell you that it is uh it is it gets dark i thought it was just a story about these three triplets we didn't know. It takes a sharp... My mom got really mad. Not mad, but she was like, what's going on? Because my mom saw the trailer for Rent. There were like two or three trailers

for Rent. And one of them was like, Rent, oh, we're all singing about Rent, Rent, Rent. Boom-a-dee-boom-a-da-bring. Yeah. And then my mom went to go see it. She was like, AIDS? Uh-huh. Death?

It's a musical about AIDS and death and trans people. And she was like, but the trailer was so fun. The trailer's so fun and vibrant. And you don't realize characters are going to die. I just karaoke'd rent all night the other night it was a good time what songs uh well we did seasons of love where i did the solo part where i was very bad then we did take me or leave me where i was joanne no no i was maureen because she has more words and then we did um one song yeah one song we did basically like the whole

fucking musical so could you you famously say that you can't sing a lot i cannot sing but you went to school for musical theater no i did not i went to a musical theater i did but i went to a musical theater skew but i did the the acting track the studio. So I have a certificate that says I can act. And it says in small words, this bitch can't sing. This big black bitch looks like she can sing, but I'm telling you, don't ask. She cannot do it. I imagine your certificate,

they just put a line through the M. They're like the American Dramatic Academy. Honestly, I should. That school was so, your assistant went, no, Monet's assistant, Patty went. Yeah, I should. That school was so... Your assistant went... No, Monet's assistant, Patty went. Yeah, Patty went to AMDA, yeah, yeah. Which is so funny.

A lot of drag queens in New York City went to AMDA, too. Is it Marty? Marty Go Cummings. Uh-huh. Crystal, her name was Joji Harrison, who was the last Lola and Kinky Boots on Broadway. Crystal Demure is the drag name. Paige Turner.

Lots of girls. Paige Turner is a great name. That's very funny. Yeah, lots of girls went to AMDA. I was so jealous when I found out. I wanted to go to AMDA so bad. It's so funny that you wanted to go to AMDA. It was truly a scam.

Does Patty have anything nice to say about i don't i some people like like jason derulo if you ask him about it he was like i had a great time i loved being there blippity bloop and i was like i don't understand jason derulo went to amda yes he was a semester uh uh below me and i have stories i could tell you, but I won't on this podcast. Let's just say I can imagine what the stories are. Family. But I feel like whatever I see, because I did see Cats.

Wasn't Jason Derulo in Cats? Oh yeah, baby. And Idris Elba. And they had that man in a nude color suit. And I said, this is a treat for everybody. I mean, the only treat that movie was, I mean. The best movie of 2019. Do you, that movie was a, was a, that movie,

like if you look at Cats, which was leading into 2020, it was a clear indication that 2020 was going to be some bullshit. I feel like at some point someone must've been like, guys, this is bad. Are we in too deep? Well, I mean, if you ever saw the stage play of Cats, you would definitely go, this should never be a movie. This honestly should never have been on Broadway. It should be like in a small black box theater on the Lower East Side.

But instead it was in the winter garden for like 20 years, 20 years. And then they said, we got to turn this into a movie and we, we can't finish the CGI. We got to just release it with all of the mistakes. We got to see Dame Judi Dench's actual people hands in this. We got to get into the people.

We got to put Taylor Swift in it and we can't let her sing the way she sings normally. So it's got to be bad, but you know what jennifer hudson she's gonna be she's gonna do an oscar worthy performance that's what i maintain but also not to mention make the black woman play the white cat i had no clue she was black i just found this out today now i didn't know she was black. I just found this out today. Now. I didn't know she was black. I was this many. Oh,

I was this day old when I found out they made the black woman with a white cat. The one who does a little, that little trailer. I was like, girl, this movie is it. But I also understand like there comes a point where you're like,

we can't turn back now. Mm hmm. You know? And then also, all of the ratio aspects were off. Some of these cats were taller than pencils. And then, like, a garbage can was smaller than them. And you were like, what the fuck world are we in? Yeah, it's like a cat where, like, she picks up a roach, but the roach is the size of her head.

It's so big. And you're like, how large is this roach? What is going on? Are we supposed to talk about dating? We got to talk about dating at some point, right? Yeah. I was going to do it after the break. I guess we could take a break now.

And we're back. Okay. So, Bob, this is a dating podcast. Although I will say I haven't been talking much about dating because I can't. It's been so hard to date in quarantine. I went on one FaceTime date where I couldn't figure out the sound. And then he was like, I have people coming over at like 7 and this is like 6.40. So then I was just like, I guess I give up.

And he was like, okay. And then that was my FaceTime date because I couldn't figure out the sound. I just gave up and he gave up and we haven't talked since. Was he cute at least? I thought he was cute. Not my type per se. He was more of a man who works with his hands.

And I tend to date nerds who play like fantasy things like dungeons and dragons and like star wars and shit like that but this man like his pictures were him on a motorcycle his hands were dirty i was like i like like he seems like a man i was like oh i like this uh but then we both gave up so easily and uh that was a couple weeks ago and i i fully give up dating uh through quarantine i wish i had words to describe how unappealing straight men are to me like when you were describing that that didn't sound fierce it wasn't a i was like use a motorcycle your hands such a man i was like oh that is i just wouldn't want to be around that i don't need that in my life at all i mean i truly think the perfect man for me

would be one who oscillates between being super masculine and a little feminine like i would love a dude who like rode a motorcycle but like will go see the color purple with me i got a guy i introduce you to his name is jason derulo he went to he went to amden i think you'll love him bob you're in a relationship right yeah i i okay well yeah i controversial i have two partners actually which is uh i guess like No, that's so nice. It feels nice. I can't even get one. Well, how old are you? Are we the same age?

We're about the same age. How old are you? Is that a rude question? It's not rude. I think my sister's 30. I think she just turned 35, so I'm turning 34, I think. Or I'm 39, or I'm 42. Well, what year were you born in?

Or 67. Oh, 1986. Oh, I should do the math. We're the same age i was born in 1986 and i am i just turned 34 we're the same age oh yeah you just had a birthday happy belated birthday thank you yeah i just turned 34 why did you ask my age what do you want to know because i'm trying to correlate because you know i i start i started dating really late in life i i didn't start dating until about two years ago wait Wait, really? Yeah. May I ask why? It wasn't for lack of effort. It just, for whatever reason, the stars weren't

aligning and I just had not had dated. It just never happened. It never worked out. Someone that I was interested in was also interested in me and schedule and time and this and that. And then finally, I got, like, sort of pursued my partner

jacob well i wouldn't say that he pursued maybe he pursued me i wrote him on grinder i wrote him on grinder and then we were apart for like a couple of months and then i ended up moving to the bay area for a project for six months and then he wrote me one day randomly on new year's was like hey happy new year's and i was like oh my god i can't believe you one day randomly on new year's was like hey happy new year's and i was like oh my god i can't believe you're writing me on new year's like we hooked up in a hotel like once and you're this is so nice this is actually really nice and i was like from every back in the bay area we got to hang out and then we got there and then we just pretty much started dating almost right away oh that was my first boyfriend and we're still dating and he's upstairs listening

to me tell the story right now. I like that. So you weren't looking for a part. You just like hooked up. Didn't think again about it until he contacted you. You know, I was just looking for a butthole and then wrapped around the butthole was a really nice young Jewish man. That's all I want. A nice person wrapped around a butthole and a solid thick dick that can just gag me every night.

Are you a size queen? I love a big dick. I've tried to be with smaller ones and it's truly like a concession. Is that a word I can use there? It's me truly having to deal with it every time that little dick stabs me being like this is okay i like you as a person we we shall overcome but those relationships have never worked out so maybe i just have to wait for my big dick person well have you considered like uh maybe dating one person and getting the dick from somewhere else is that an option yes but i do think when you're dealing with men they get insulted when they're like oh this isn't enough

for for you blah blah blah but if i was dating someone trans who maybe uh used a penis that was not attached to them that i think i'd have you more, less of an issue with it than say like a straight dude. But you know, I've got a whole drawer full of things. I just bought this $200 vibrator with an actual tongue and it sucks. And it's $200. Does it plug into the wall? Does it have a, do you rev it up?

Do you start it like one of those old timey airplanes where you get out and you turn the propeller? Yep, I get out, I turn the propeller, I get in my bed, I slam it on my clit, and then I fly away. And it'll order food for you when it's done. It'll be like, after dinner, like, Nicole, I know you like Thai food on Thursdays. So that's why we've ordered you this pineapple fried rice.

It was just getting to the point where I was so horny that I needed something. Because I haven't had sex since fucking March. I haven't had sex since lockdown. Yes. Since lockdown fucking started. I got one last fucking. Was it a regular? It was somewhat regular.

But now that's done too. So now i'm back at square one i also i also opened up my mind of what it meant to for what i'd be interested in because there was a point in time where i was what i became what i'm attracted to really morphed over the years from when i was in college i was only dating guys who looked like me at the time I was a skinny black dude um now I'm I'm not I'm average size now uh but at the time I was like I was like real thin and that was all I was interested in dating and then as I got older I started expanding more and then I started also going outside of the idea of necessarily having to date a cisgendered man. And I've I've so now I find a lot more beauty and a lot more places than I originally did. I also find the same thing with me.

I mean, I didn't date people who looked like me necessarily, but it was just like an improv man. You can imagine what that looks like. Mm-hmm. Neck beard. Yep. Truly not kept up with their appearance. They got cargo shorts with big pockets filled with dreams and wishes. And a shirt with either an ironic saying or like a vintage shirt from like some thrift store they really love.

Uh-huh. But like doesn't have anything cool on it it's got like the death star on it or whatever yeah i know her but now i'm just like i'm truly open to anything as long as like we can talk and get along and i'm attracted to you i went on a date with um a woman who was trans and i didn't know she was trans and it wasn't a problem uh but she was lamenting to me i might have told the story on the podcast i don't't know she was trans and it wasn't a problem. Uh, but she was lamenting to me. I might have told this story on the podcast. I don't remember, but she was lamenting about how she was misgendered at the gym that week. And I was like, wow, that's crazy. I'm never misgendered.

And just like completely not getting what she was picking or putting down or whatever. And then we like kept talking and I was like, you got big old dogs. What size shoe do you wear? She was like a 13. I was like, oh oh well here's a brand if you ever want heels that goes up to a size 13 i didn't know if you knew she was like oh i didn't know do you wear do you have big feet i wear a size 11 or 12 do you know whoopi goldberg wears a size 12 and she's five foot eight that's insane i had no idea isn't it like the same i'm five seven and wear a size 11 or 12 i'm whoopinge what are you gonna do when she's on your podcast are you gonna change your name no my the name on my zoom says whoopee

goldberg when i send people emails it also says whoopee goldberg and i and i answered right the fuck away it was so funny you called me you're like nicole so tell me more about the story you you and this woman so i'm intrigued with this story i'm so interested in the story um no it was just she kept telling me like giving me hints that she was trans and i truly just didn't pick up any of them until i was talking to my therapist about it and i was like yeah i mean i really liked her but i just she did one thing i didn't like she just she knew my touring schedule before i told her and i was like oh i don't like that you are looking me up and whatever. But I was like telling her all these things.

And then my therapist is like, Nicole. And I was like, she's like, do you think maybe she was trans? And she was trying to let you know. And I was like, oh, no, it never occurred to me. And then I was like, oh, now things make sense. But that being said, I was like, yeah, I guess I'm attracted to whoever is nice to me and I like to look at them I mean to that story two things one my my um my mother gets misgendered all the time all the time because my mother has a very very deep voice so whenever we would go to the um any restaurant fast food restaurant and we she

talking to the thing they'd always say, all right, thank you, sir. Pull up to the next window. But it happened so often, my mom just stopped being like, her world isn't rocked. But then there's the awkward moment where we pull up to the window and they are like profusely apologizing. And my mom's like, it's really not a big deal. It happens all the time. And they're like, no, ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am. She's like, honestly. But my mom just has like, I have a big deal. It happens all the time. And they're like, no, ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am. But she's like, honestly.

But my mom just has like, I have a deep voice. My whole family, we're a family of people with deep voices. And my other partner who lives in LA is a trans man. So that is my correlation to your story in this moment. That's nice. You got one in LA, one in New York. Coast to coast. How did you meet your LA partner? Instagram.

Oh. Nobody ever slides into my DMs in a way where I'm like, this is good and healthy. It's usually a man with a family who's like, oh boy, all I want is for you to suck on my dick while I slap your butt. And I'm like, well, that sounds like fun. And then I'll go to his page and be like, oh boy, all I want is for you to suck on my dick while I slap your butt.

And I'm like, well, that sounds like fun. And then I'll go to his page and be like, I'm into that. And then I look at his page and it's like him, his wife and his kid and a dog. And I'm like, you know, you can't be creeping around sending people messages like that unless your people know about it. But maybe they do. Maybe. Maybe one of these days I will.

But they're never attractive to me. It's always like an older man with snaggled teeth and then like holy clothes. And I'm just, I'm not here for it. I don't like it. Well, all snaggled tooth people need love too. But apparently those people already have love because they're married with children. And I'm not trying to be someone's stepmom good lord you don't have stepmom energy no i would be a terrible stepmother terrible yeah you don't have stepmom energy no they'd be like can i do this

and i'd be like yeah man live your fucking life i don't care you're not my kid oh you can't say that to the children it can't just like you're not my mom i'm like yeah bitch i know nor am i trying to be go live your life and leave me alone it's like a fuck your dad you're like i'm just a lady sucking your dad's dick while he smacks my ass that's what he said on the instagram anyway that's all i love doing wait so you only started dating two years ago and you already have two partners. Honestly, this is a tremendous average, I got to say. I'm an overachiever.

Truly? Yeah, I'm an overachiever. I'm doing the most. That's so wild to me. Do you ever plan on getting married or is this working for you? I think I used to plan. So I was really big into fighting for marriage equality in New York City years ago.

I even got arrested doing it. So in my head, because I was fighting for marriage equality so hard, I was like, I gotta get married one day. But the older I get, the more I'm like, I don't know that I see that for me. Like it doesn't feel like I'm gonna get married. Like I don't, I just don't see it.

Yeah. I don't really see it for me either. Although I like the idea of having like a wedding and shit. Uh, I like the idea of having a partner. I just, yeah, I don't think I need like the,

I think I would probably have a ceremony before actually filing for a marriage certificate. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. My mom also has, my mom has never been married. So I also based a lot of my life off of,

I am turning into my mom slowly but surely. And then my mom's never been married, so, yeah. Yeah, my sister's not married, I'm not married, my dad's siblings, none of them are married,

but my mom's one sister, she's married. Yeah, I think she's the only married aunt I have. So the singularity is a whole thing in the buyer. I guess so. In the buyer. Bloodline, nobody's married. Everyone's just looking for dicks, I guess.

I don't know. Can we talk a little bit about a common friend of ours and why we think that person is single? Mateo? Potato Payne. Potato Payne. I think Potato's single because I don't know. I don't know why.

The last people he's dated, I haven't really liked. So my question is, if someone is single, how much of that has to do with the person who's single so how much of you being single this is i'm not saying that it isn't this is not me i'm not coming on your podcast to psychoanalyze you or any of that but i'm wondering how much of your singularity has to do with your either desire to stay single subconsciously or a fear of commitment or reaching for something that actually isn't attainable. Like this perfect partner that may or may not exist. I think it has a lot to do with that. Like, I'm scared to be in a relationship.

Sometimes I'll be in my bed and I'm like, if I were in a relationship, where would this person have any of their stuff? Like, my this person have any of their stuff like my room is set I like the way my room is I like the way my house is I somebody I would have to like invite someone into my life and that's scary um I travel a lot so like that's also scary to be like are you chill with my schedule um and then I do a thing where I I like to be the one chasing but apparently people don't really like to be chased. I don't know. It's a thing like with straight men, they don't like to be chased. They'd rather chase you or whatever.

I also love to put all my eggs in a basket of a man who says openly, I don't want a relationship but like we're having fun. So I'm like, I'll change that about him and it's going to be great. But now it sounds like you're putting your you're putting your eggs in a wicker basket. But the bottom is just like like barely there. It's like just the whole thing's falling through. Yeah.

But I think I understand this way more now. Like in the beginning of the year, I was dating this dude who I really, really liked liked or so i thought i liked and then he was just like yeah i don't really want to be in a relationship and i was like but i can change that and then i didn't change that because he like it wasn't meant to be yeah uh so then i was like okay i guess i have to get over this and then lockdown started and i was just like oh boy uh and then i was dating somebody else and i was just like you know let's just put this like put a pin in it till you know the pandemic you date a lot you just like you do a lot of dating you are dating a lot i mean it's not a lot it was just 2020 was i was i spent all of 2019 being like 2020 is my year so then i just like really went into 2020 hard and i was like

on the apps and i was talking to people and going out with people uh and then and then the lockdown started and now i'm just a single lady who is so horny it hurts and then i just masturbate until i until my clit's numb and my hips hurt and it's depressing. Would you ever get a hooker? I think about getting a sex worker often, but it would just be like a long, I don't know if I want to pay the hourly rate of like going to get a drink first and like having a conversation. Kind of. And I don't know why. I think it's because like if I'm gonna pay for it i want the full fantasy but then again i have definitely fucked people off tinder just by like a hello

and then we're fucking i for whatever reason a sex worker i just want to like get to know your vibe you know just like get to know you if i'm paying for it. I will say, I mean, I do believe if you're paying for something, you should get exactly what you want. And, you know, I imagine that most sex workers are probably not terribly inexpensive. Yeah. Like, that's the other thing. I'm like, do I want to pay for something I can have for free just as long as I wait? Well, I mean, it's like the difference between, you know, you can cook food or you can or you can. You can go out to eat.

And I do love going out to eat. And because it's more convenient and sometimes more fun. I tried to get a hooker once in Brazil and it was it was not a good experience for me. Oh, no. Do you care to share? You don't have to. Yeah, I'll share. It just I did not believe that he was into it.

it just i did not believe that he was into it and i have to believe if i'm gonna like hook up with you i have to believe that you could be attracted to me and this guy like showed up like he like he showed up to a job you hated i was like well bitch if you hate working clock out jesus christ that's like another fear because like I am a fat black woman. So that is like you have to be attracted to it or you don't like it. And I'd be so sad if it was a person who was like, yeah, I'm just fucking this fat bitch because she's paying me a thousand dollars. Well, that must be interesting to be a fat black woman because you run the gamut of two things. One where it's like, this is my thing. I'm so into this.

This gets my dick so hard. And then people who are like just the opposite because you're either like completely fetishized. I'm assuming you can clarify this or folks who are just like, not my thing. Yeah, it's a lot of not my thing. And then I've never been fetishized in person just like on the internet on the apps and messages and stuff but in person i've had people be like overwhelmed

to the point where i'm like oh this this is the first time you've ever slept with someone whose ass is this big because it's it's like when you're doing it, dog is down. You got a fat ass like knocking into you. It's a little intense. So, yeah, like it's just it's a dating is it sucks. It's not. I want to skip ahead to like six months in where I'm like, oh, I know everything about him or her and they're wonderful and we have adventures. But then we just sit and watch TV. Now you're saying him or her, are you pansexual?

I don't put a label on it. I think I'm just slutty. I just, I don't, I don't like labels, one. Two, when you put a label on things, everyone wants to like snatch you up and I'm not trying to take a space for another queer voice

who actually has something to say about being queer because i don't identify as queer i just i i'll fuck anything and i refuse to uh i should say anyone i refuse to like put like close a door to something that might be wonderful just because it's something i didn't think i wanted that makes sense. So you don't identify as queer, but do you identify as straight? No, I think I'm just Nicole. Yeah. I mean, listen, that makes solid sense. And I think that there is, I think a lot of the world is realizing how much of us are in the area where we realize that a lot of the labels that are made for us don't actually fit us as well as we thought they did. Yeah.

And then also I'm just like, well, why do we even need labels? Why can't I just fuck who I want and then just live my life? Well, maybe we need labels for different stuff. Like for example, the,

like certain labels I really vibe with, like the label black. I, I need this label. I love black. Like I need this label like the label black. I, I need this label. I love black. Like I need this label, the label man. I don't need that one.

Like that's one of the things where I was like, I don't necessarily identify as a cisgendered man. And I don't really need who been like, you're a man. Cause then I just don't, I just don't need that in my life. But the label queer, I really need that label.

Like black queer. I love that label like black queer i love that song i love this song you know yeah i guess i just like black lady a black black lady that's what i like to be black lady i'm a black lady yeah that's what i like seem terrible at singing. Ugh, I wish I could sing. Girl, when I hear people singing, and I'm like, how? Hmm. Are you making? Monet can really sing. Monet has such a great voice. And I'm so jealous that she's so good at singing.

She's not good at anything else. But I'm so jealous that she's. It's one of those talents that I wish I had, but I just don't have it. It's not there. Same. It's not there for me. It's all I want. Ooh, so you only started dating two years ago,

but after Drag Race and after you had this notoriety, were people throwing themselves at you? Well, okay, so there's a couple of things going on here. After Drag Race, I started traveling more. And I will say there's a thing where you, there's a few things. When you're the new pussy in town, like when you show up on the has the same like 10 people in the top part that you see all the time. So I started traveling more. And then also, I do believe there are people out here fucking me just for the story.

Like just to have the story, I fucked Bob the Drag Queen. So that's also probably a part of what it is. I fucked Bob the drag queen. So that's also probably a part of what it is. And then I also do think that for myself, aesthetically speaking, I have gotten a lot nicer looking as I've gotten older. I was a real noodley looking awkward thing, but as I've gotten older,

I've actually, I think I actually look more handsome and more, more beautiful. And then there's also the fact that people are kind of into like the power of who i am so all those things combine then it really fucks your mind you're like are you fucking me because i'm bob the drag queen or because you're attracted to me or because you want the story and then the other question is do i care if you're fucking me because you only because you think I'm attractive, then that could hurt my feelings because you don't think I'm creative.

If you're fucking me, just come by the drag queen. Like, you know, it's not my thing to determine why you're fucking me. It's just good for me to determine whether or not I'm OK with that reasoning. Yeah, I find I have the same issues with straight men. same issues with straight men generally speaking usually they do not know who i am or they've heard me on like a couple podcasts they're like oh yeah you're kind of funny and i'm like great but when i've dated women most of the time they do know who i am and i feel like there's this expectation and i don't necessarily meet that sometimes uh and that's that's kind of hard because it's like yeah they think you're one way and then you end up

like I dated somebody who was like into comedy and I do comedy so I think they thought that was like a good middle ground of stuff to talk about but then I was like oh I don't really want to talk about work with someone who doesn't do who's just like it's like a park ranger doesn't want to talk about the

park with a person who likes to sit in the park like I'm in the park. Like I'm in the park all the time. I'm doing the work. I don't I'm not working right now, so I don't want to talk about comedy. So like that's kind of hard, a hard thing to maneuver comedy fans. Dating is just hard in general. No, that that that was a that was I mean, I don't know that I would use such a straight analogy as park rangers.

But also, I keep forgetting that you have a lot of straight people in your life and I have practically none. So when I hear park ranger, my first thought is Yogi Bear. That's how gay I am. I was like, oh, yeah, like. Yeah, just like Yogi Bear, who's like, I can't talk about, I don't even know what Y yogi sounds like i don't want to talk about the park because i'm always in the park yeah i think that's kind of how yogi bear sounds more or less okay no i don't know who that is yeah now you're developing a whole different a a whole different thing. But it is weird to date.

Like the idea of dating is an odd social construct in and of itself. Just the idea of like being around someone, but like making this relationship different than all your friendships, but also making it different than all the people you've just randomly were fucking. It's a weird, it's a weird social construct. Yeah,

it is weird and it's something I want, but yet I'm like, I don't, I don't even know what that, I don't know what it looks like for me. I guess I'll just, uh, I'll know,

I'll know when it's good, when it's good, if that makes any sense. I don't know. I'm trying to be more like, just let it go and the universe will take control. I feel like I'm quoting Frozen. Let it go. Yeah.

Nicole, you're going to have to become one with the wind and sky. Yeah, all right. I'll do it. I'll become one with the wind and sky and I'll find somebody. And honestly, though, I really do think this year is still my year i think 2020 people are like it's a bad year but i'm like i don't know uh you know black lives matter is having such a really wonderful movement right now i think that's good this is black history year i've dubbed this black history year it is black history year i think

that's really good corona yeah it's not great but i mean we could have handled this much better and had a summer but we didn't do that but i think i'm thinking in october things are gonna really turn around for everybody have you found this podcast cathartic have you found it depressing have you found it affirming or maybe different things at different times different things at different times definitely like there's been um so i finally figured out my flow my period thank you i because i traveled so much i just would be like oh i'm moody because i was just on a plane blah blah blah and it always surprised me but in quarantine i was like oh okay i get it the third week of the month.

And I feel this way two weeks out. I feel this way a week out. So when I would record, when I would be two weeks out from my period, I'd just have more emotion. And I'd be like, I'll never find anyone. I'm going to be alone forever. I'm a piece of shit who should be stomped on and just throw me out. I'm not worthy of having any dicks in my mouth or my pussy. And then there'd be weeks.

Do you stomp on pieces of shit? Nicole? Is that what you do with the pieces of shit? How do you get rid of your shit? If you're not stomping on it, where does it go? But yeah, usually I feel, like right now I feel great about it.

Specifically because like I cannot date. So talking about it feel like right now I feel great about it specifically because like I I cannot date. So talking about it is fine right now. Also, I'm horny. So I like to hear people's stories about fucking and I could just like live vicariously through them. You haven't asked me any of mine. I'm about to. Have you ever fucked in drag? No, I once sucked a dick in drag at a restaurant I used to work at one time.

But I've but I've never I've never done the do in the yags, as the kids say. What's the, what's your, do you have like a wild hookup story? No, I have some really embarrassing ones. I mean, like some ones are just like this. Okay, you mean an embarrassing one? So one time I was in in my building's like shaking one time i was hooking up with this guy in spain i think we were in madrid and he i met him on grinder and he came up he was like blowing me and then like he finished and was like and then looking in my eyes and was like what room is valentina in oh my god and i was like

are you serious he's like yeah i just really love valentina and i want to know what room she's in oh my god i was like first of all you need to leave. Second of all, room 314. But that really, I didn't actually know what room she was in, but like, a guy blew me just to find out what room Valentina was in. That's honestly dedication. I don't think I've ever been that dedicated to anything. I mean, it was wild. I couldn't, it was wild what can you can you imagine is truly what a dream what a true dream to have a master plan i'm gonna suck bob the drag queen's dick

and they're gonna tell me where valentina is and then i'll suck valent's dick. And then I'll find Nina Bonina Brown and I'll suck her dick. Yeah, but also, like, imagine, like, if he didn't want, was he just, like, sucking my dick? And, like, and also didn't even get what he wanted. I didn't tell him. Like, you should have negotiated up front. I mean, I wonder what the story he tells people is. I didn't tell him. Like you shouldn't negotiate it up front. I mean, I wonder what the story he tells people is. Or if he even tells the story. Like I was trying to get to Valentina. He tells this story.

This seems like one of those stories you put in your book right before you die. That is so wild. I've never fucked in a different country. I don't think. Oh, that's great. I've never fucked in a different country, I don't think. Oh, that's great. I've had hotel sex. Yeah, I've never fucked in a different country, which is a real bummer. But then again, I guess I don't travel with slutty sluts who are like, go have fun.

You need to start traveling with the Drag Race girls, because those girls are fucking slags. I've been hooked up with this really hot guy in Liverpool one time. Those girls are fucking slags. I mean, I was with this really hot guy in Liverpool one time. He was like, he kind of looked like if Will Smith was 5'7". Okay. And like 23. Okay. Like if Will Smith was like gay and twinkie.

Oh my God, I just described his son. So yeah, you fucked fucking Jaden Smith. But also with a thick Liverpool accent. What is a Liverpool accent? The Beatles. The Beatles have a Liverpool accent. It's like, yeah, the bits of a Liverpool accent it's like yeah yeah girl yeah girl head down to the store to get

a ciggy and then I go upstairs and then I'm going to smoke the ciggy no I think the accent you're doing is a stroke I think that was I think you just had a stroke that's what that was also terrible at accents can't sing can't do an accent I think you just had a stroke. That's what that was.

Also terrible at accents. Can't sing, can't do an accent. Thanks, Amda. Thank you, Scandal. I saw Jason Derulo on a plane once. Oh, you did? And I didn't know who he was. I'm not really into his music. But I remember seeing him and thinking to myself this guy just looks famous he looks

really rich and he looks really famous so i was um getting in line we were both in first class on an international flight or maybe a flight to la to new york to new york it was it was a delta one and they were like all right delta one diamond medallion and i go who do you fly oh i fly delta i'm a diamond diva as well work so you know we are very into we we scoot to the front of the line but then in the midst of being like the delta diamond people being called up this guy just like barges past all the delta diamond people but like not like escorted by anyone official He just has a massive security guard who's just like escorting this very wealthy looking black man through. And because he has a security guard, we're all just kind of like, oh, I guess I guess you get to go ahead of us because you have security.

So obviously you're somebody. And then he was like one seat behind me that's so funny to like rush up with your security detail to like get on a plane it's like you're gonna rush to sit on a plane to sit amongst other people and then everyone bored like who fucking i would come last it was but also it, like, we were all, there were, like, six of us. It wasn't like some, but also, maybe to Jason Derulo. That's just too long to wait. I saw Brandi in the airport once, and she looked pretty famous, too.

But I recognize her. Who did I, I saw the blue lady from Avatar, and she plays the green person in Guardians of the Galaxy. Zoe. She's a Skittle. She's a Skittle at this point she's skittle zoe skittle ladia and she was with her husband her two kids on a delta one flight and they came on last they also bought more seats than they needed the nanny had her own seat the assistant had her own seat the kids had their own seat but sat in her lap and when i tell you these children screamed the almost entire fucking flight i at one point woke up and i was like it has to stop i saw whoopi goldberg at uh at rock of ages and she bought the seat next to her and um but also you all can't see me but n Nicole can. There's a seat. There's me. And then there's also like the seat next to me.

And then Whoopi Goldberg is that right there, right? Oh, my God. I'm it wasn't me. I'm I'm the random white lady who's who's so Whoopi Goldberg sitting there is clear that Whoopi has purchased this seat. But what does the white lady do during the show? But what does the white lady do during the show? Leans over the empty seat and talks to Whoopi the entire show. The whole show. That's so funny.

Now she's got to buy two seats. She just buy the whole, the row in front, the row behind her, the whole row out. I mean, honestly, this one. That's so wild. And the reason I knew Brandy was famous, even before I recognized who she was, I saw this black lady walking through the mall and this old white man was carrying her bags. Mm-hmm. And I was like, this bitch must be important. Mm-hmm.

I saw Viola Davis on a Delta One flight and I was like- You lucky bitch. I was like, is that Viola Davis? And she has a very stern face, even in travel. And I was like, that's definitely viola davis and i wanted to say something but then i was like don't bother this woman she's traveling and then i got off the plane and there was like a delta one person with her name on a piece of paper and i was like she doesn't use an alias it's just out here viola davis for all the people to know

i was shook but then i Emmys and I said hello. It says Academy Award winner Viola Davis. It just says everything she's ever done on this little piece of paper. I mean, how do you feel about being recognized? The recognition I don't mind in public is when someone walks up and goes really quietly, I love your work. That I like a lot. That's nice.

The thing I truly detest is someone going very loudly. Oh my God. Um, what do I know you from? And I'm like, Oh cool. You've now, you know,

brought attention. Uh, you don't, you don't, I now have to do the work for you. And then I'll sometimes I used to go, uh, girl code and they go,

no. And I go, Oh, um oh um this no uh i host nailed it no then i go i don't so i i when i go what do i know you from i go oh i don't know what who knows i get that a lot well that's the thing about being being more or less famous you and i are like technically famous because we have a lot of Instagram followers. But like not every, like everyone knows Viola Davis is. You're like, you're Viola Davis. You don't have to link it.

You don't call her the lady from The Help. You don't call her the lady from- No, it's Viola Davis. I know you from being Viola Davis. You know what I mean? But whenever people see me, people are like, wait a minute. I hate when I have to

like help them through it I was in the airport and this lady was like do I know you and I was like I don't my first thought was you're holding my passport

in my hand so you have all of my information so you my name is literally right there she goes where do I know

are you are you who I think you are and i'm like i don't know who you think i am she's like are you the person i said lady i don't know are you on tv i've been on tv before are you and i was like can you just say it just please yeah just say something or let me leave you're holding me hostage of course by the way it turns out she didn't know how i was she thought i was miss jay from from uh top model so, turns out she didn't know who I was. She thought I was Miss J from Top Model. So, turns out she had no clue who the fuck I was.

People on Instagram love to go, oh my god, I thought this was Silky Nutmeg Ganache. And I was like, how? She's either boy or full drag. I'm neither right now. I'm like, I don't think, I mean, sure. Are they being serious or trying to be funny i have

no idea people also love to they're like hey lizzo and i'm like we again we do not look anything alike she's smaller than me we have different faces she's light skinned not light skinned yeah yeah she it's her tits are bigger than mine like we look nothing alike i used to get amber she's probably a foot taller than you. I assume she is. I don't know why I think she's tall. She seems tall. I think she's tall.

She has tall energy. She does have tall energy. Yeah, for sure. She's got good energy. Yeah. Oh, 100. 100. Well, Bob, we've come to the end.

I usually ask my guests this. I think I've only missed it a couple times. But would you date me i would date you i've actually been thinking about this a lot lately because i've been realizing that i have this like in in my experience it is a new found attraction to black women maybe i can be your third partner would you really do that it seems like why not would you date me i would date you you would date like someone who's like publicly a gay guy yes i think i would i think people would be like this seems pretty on brand for nicole but yeah i would date you um i think

you're funny i think you're fun i think you're attractive uh i think we would have a great time you know my first i think my journey into like this new like because i mean i was like publicly a gay man for a really long time and then i started realizing that i have attraction to people who aren't necessarily just men you know it started with who i had a crush on sashira zameda really and i was like and i was like and i remember thinking to myself am i attracted to this woman i cannot wait to tell her when i see her later today that she's out here turning the game in i never tell her yeah of course i told mateo and i was like mateo don't say anything he's been good he truly has kept a

secret yeah he's great he's great and then anyway so that that was a i thought that you would find that interesting it's very interesting i'm honestly shook i'm floored but not like actually i'm not shocked she's very very beautiful it was it was for me it was about her um i don't know about her majesty and her presence my attraction to women is is more wrapped up in their essence that makes sense which inherently i understand is is misogynistic in and of itself i just want to throw that out there into the world um that i can that i see that that is a problematic statement that i just said but it is something i'm working through in this moment right now and and finding out about about myself you know i don't know if it's problematic is it well I don't know if the idea of like

some dude can just be a total blockhead and not find them attractive but a woman has to have the mind of Dr. Maya Angelou to be able to make it on my radar it does seem I don't know maybe it's not

maybe it is maybe it's not have you ever actually had a date from this podcast not one we should go on a date let's go on a date I'm going to be in LA in July what are you doing in July in LA visiting be careful I'm just so wary of people on planes right now. Baby, I mean, the truth is, Mama, I'm in the Corona capital of the world. Like, there's more Corona. Yeah, you are. I'm in New York City. You're truly like patient zero as a state.

I'm in C-Town. You know what I mean? All right. All right. Come on over. Then I'll see you when you come here in July. I think Matteo might be coming in July, too too because I don't think he can go to Italy. Where do you want to go on our date?

Oh boy, will restaurants even be open? Maybe we'll go to a park. That probably sounds... I have a picnic basket. Ooh, bring your picnic basket as a carry-on. Has anyone asked you on a date? No one's asked you on a date from the podcast yet? No.

All right, well, I'm asking you on a date? No one's asked you on a date from the podcast yet? No. All right. Well, I'm asking you on a date. I will. I do want to be fully in full disclosure. I do have two partners already in this. Yeah. And I'll be the third. Yeah.

So so that is my full disclosure. But we're going on a date. I can't fucking wait. Yes. No, I truly have gotten no dates from doing this podcast. I can't believe I'm on your first date from the podcast. That's so crazy. My first date from the podcast.

All the men who've been on my podcast get ladies in the DMs. I get some people in my DMs, but nobody I'm like ever super excited about. The last person someone tried to hook me up with was on Twitter. They were like, my friend loves you, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, ooh, let me see a picture. And then they were like in a Star Wars shirt. And I was like, ooh, let me see a picture. And then they were like in a Star Wars shirt and I was like,

I can't. But now you're watching Star Wars. Yeah, I'm like, I don't, like I'm watching Star Wars, but like, I just don't want someone who's like deep enough

in the fandom that they have a Star Wars shirt that they're photographed in. If they go to bed in it, that's fine. But like, I just, I don't need like a fanboy.

But if you wake up in it, you can go to bed in it, but you can't wake up in it. you go to bed in it but you can't wake up in it. Yeah if you wake up in it you go to bed in it so come on now. Well we've come to the end. Bob do you have anything you want to promote? Please go watch Bob the Drag Queen live at Caroline's

and of course you can see me on We're Here on HBO. You can watch me on the and the Pit Stop. The Pit Stop comes out every Saturday. I'm reviewing every single episode of RuPaul's Drag Race All-Star Season 5. I love it. And if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can subscribe on iTunes.

And if you send me a nasty message, I will read it out loud. This is from a man who I don't think follows the podcast, but just decided to say something to me. It says, you must give the best blowjobs with those lips. And sir, I don't think you listen to this, but I do. I love a blowjob. It's one of my favorite things to do. Sir, thank you. Let's see.

Do I have another one? You must give the best blowjob best which is weird because it's really weird that the lips are some indication of great blowjob because it really has nothing to do with your lips yeah zero to do um oh wait here's another one okay i want i want to wait i want you but i want to fuck you into a handstand and use your ass taint and puss as an easel oh I want to paint you I don't know what this means I want to butt you

into a handstand and use your ass taint and puss as an easel and dip my little brushes in your booty hole and paint you a little portrait I guess they just they want to paint on me but using my butt but you also don't like little you just said you don't like little brushes I don't want me but using my butt. But you also don't like little brushes. I don't want little brushes in my butt.

Get me a big brush and dip it in my butt. I think you might need a few lovers to fulfill what it takes to please Nicole Byer. Because it might be too much for one person. Maybe. Maybe I need

several lovers. Yeah, because there are a lot of requirements, and it seems to make this person really specific. They're like, this person seems really hard to find. But if you break those characteristics up among several people, you might, maybe there's something there. Maybe. Well, you'll be my gay boyfriend i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm i don't think i'm recruiting in the world of uh polyamory doesn't get our pamphlet i have this pamphlet i've read it front to back i'm i'm into polyamory i'm here for it

all right well that's it thank you bob thank you so much okay bye bye my new boyfriend this has been a Team Coco production.