Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Blowjob Tips (w/ Jake and Amir)

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld (Jake and Amir) discuss their favorite porn, whether they like to 69, if they would enjoy sucking their own dick, the best lubes to masturbate with, and give some blowjob advice. Nicole shares the insane things she requests in her final will and funeral. She's also jumping back in the app game and has Jake and Amir rate her new Tinder profile. Check out Jake and Amir's advice podcast If I Were You. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out why I'm still single. Even though if you asked me to keep your jizz in a jar on my nightstand, I would. Oh, no. I'm running low. Jesus. I'm running low on these

You just finished telling us that You don't think you're crass I don't find what I say raunchy I don't think I'm raunchy at all I think I'm fun And whimsical Oh boy my guests today They're my daddies

They let me do a podcast guest today. They're my daddies. Woo! They let me do a podcast. Oh, we got Jake and Amir! Hey! Or Amir and Jake. Jake and Amir. Either one now. But why? Because Amir is

alphabetically first. That's right. But I feel like you're always referred to as Jake and Amir. It really rolls off the tongue. It sounds like one name. Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir. Amir and Jake. It's hard to say Amir and.

Ah, kind of like how I was having trouble earlier saying iTunes store. That's a tough one. It really isn't. Oh, boy. Both of you are not single. That's right. I'm wedded. You are married. Yeah. That's a real treat. You are. In a relationship you are not single. That's right. I'm wedded. You are married.

Yeah. That's a real treat. You are... In a relationship, but not married. But not married. How long have you... I'm wedded, he's bedded. Wait, how long have you been in your relationship?

Roughly two years. Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you know your anniversary? We don't know. It's sort of, it was an amorphous beginning. So it started in February-ish and then became more official in March-ish and then April-ish. So do you have an anniversary that you celebrate?

Valentine's Day, roughly. Oh, okay. That's nice. Yeah. Either the day of or after. What did you do this year for Valentine's Day? We went to dinner and then we walked to get gluten-free macaroons from Bottega Louie downtown. All right.

So it was like a dinner walking around situation. That's nice. Where did you have dinner? We ate at actually a really good Israeli restaurant called The Exchange, not too far from HeadGum. I highly recommend it. I've never had Israeli food. You've never had a pita? Hummus? That's Israeli?

No. I thought it was Greek. Well, it's Middle Eastern food that is included in Israeli food. So, okay, I've had a pita. I've had hummus. Yep. What else? These foods predate Israel, but Israeli food is pita, hummus, kebab.

But it's like cool new. Am I saying hummus wrong? Is it hummus? It's hummus in Hebrew. Oh. So when I grew up, I was calling it hummus. And then in America, it's called hummus. We lived together for so long that I started calling it hummus.

Yeah, it's fun. Hummus. Hummus. Wait, how long did you guys live together? Me and Jake? Three years? Yes. Yeah, three-ish years.

And you worked together. And we worked together, and we were writing and shooting stuff together. We were together near constantly for three years. Yeah. Did that put a strain on your relationship? That's a good question. Not really. It really wasn't bad.

If anything, it helped the relationship. Yeah. Yeah, there's never waiting for the other person because they live next to you. They live down the hall. So that was fine. We shared a bathroom. We did share a bathroom. Wait, you lived down the hall? Was it one apartment?

We lived in a couple different houses in L.A. We shared one. Our first place had like, it was a little craftsman with a Jack and Jill bathroom that Amir and I shared. Cute. And then after that, we moved to that house where I lived in the little cabin behind the house. Yeah. And then after that, we moved to that house where I lived in the little cabin behind the house. Yeah. And then after that, we moved to the big yellow house where we were upstairs and we had separate bathrooms. Yeah, that was nice.

The big yellow house. Sounds like the man from Curious George. He's the man in the yellow hat. That's right. Did he rent this house to you? That dude, he had good fashion. I loved his yellow safari outfit that he had good fashion. I loved his yellow safari outfit that he was always in. I loved it too.

I think it's very cute. It's now hip to dress like that. But he was doing it in the 40s before it was cool. Well, that was when it was necessary. He was ahead of the trends. Jake, how long have you been married? Not that long. Six months. Wow, wow, wow.

Do you know your anniversary? Our wedding anniversary? Yes. We had, we had. Your anniversary anniversary. So wait, oh, here's a question. That takes over, I think. So do you celebrate two anniversaries?

Like your, your anniversary, like your yearly anniversary and then your wedding anniversary? We definitely did this year, but I think it was out of habit. I would like this year to ignore. To consolidate. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Because our previous anniversary was like we did it January 31st. Okay.

And then we had just gotten married this year, and I just forced a habit, like got Jill something for our anniversary. See, that's nice. Yeah, I guess. That's nice. You can't get in trouble for getting them something extra. Right. I love gifts. I love when someone, honestly, if you just text me hello, I'm like, wow.

Oh, boy. I guess this means he really likes me. Oh, what a treat for me. Today is a good day. Your bar is set insanely low. I saw a tweet that describes how I feel. The bar for men is set so low and they constantly trip over it. I cannot take credit for that.

It was a very good tweet by somebody. And I was like, this describes everything that I feel. Just don't murder me and we'll call it a win. Honestly, if you, this is another, I think this is a Megan Gailey joke. She's like, if I get murdered by a man, I'm okay with it because he picked me. I think it's Megan Gailey. It might be somebody else. It might be Beth Stelling.

But also that's like, I identify fully with that. If I get murdered on a date, truly, I'm like, ah, hopefully he'll fuck me first. So then like I've come and I'm like, I feel good. And then I'm like, oh no, I feel bad. What would happen to your podcast? Oh, I'll host it. Fuck it. I'll figure it out.

She's on a table. Something. How hard can it be? Shit. I'll put it in my will that if I die, Jake, you take over my podcast, but you have to be in blackface and you have to wear a wig. You bestow on me this honor. And since it's in your will, you have to do it.

I just learned recently that just because it's in your will doesn't mean it's legally binding. Oh, no. No, it's not. Like, you can't make people do things to get what you're giving them. Oh, like you can't create this little contest after you die. So you can't do like a treasure hunt. No.

But in my will, I have asked several people to do things. I asked Ashir. In my will, I've asked her to ask several men I've hooked up with, and I included their phone numbers to come to my funeral and talk about how good my pussy was. And she doesn't have to do that legally? No. Yeah, the will is like dividing your assets, not asking favors.

One last troll on my way out. But I've asked her to do a lot of things, but she'll do it because she'll miss me. Yeah, oh, definitely. She'll do it in your honor. A lot of fun things. I'd be sad if you died, but I would be so excited to go to your funeral to hear that. Why don't you just have a funeral-themed roast? Oh, well, that's in there.

I would like everyone who wants to talk has, like, a tight two, two to three minutes to, like, either tell jokes about me or just test some new material. You're just describing a birthday. You don't have to die to do this stuff. No, I don't want to be there. Also, I've requested that googly eyes be placed on my face. Oh my god. So my body's still funny.

Do they have to do that? What? Yeah, it's in my will. So they do have to do that. Yeah, your googly eyes. Well, no. Technically, nobody has to do anything I've asked. This is just a formal request. But it's just a very, it's a two-page log. Just a list of. Did you write it with a lawyer?

No. Like an Esquire didn't sign off on it. No. This is just, okay. And maybe I should have Shelly Ruse sign off on it. She's a lady who did my estate planning. I just did it because like when my dad died, he didn't have a will. So it was super hard to like figure everything out.

Yeah. But if you get an estate, all your stuff goes into the or wait is that what it's called yeah yeah like a trust oh a trust yeah so all your shit goes into a trust and then it's just there and it's very easy but yeah so it's in i told my roommate where the booklet is for my trust so in the booklet in the front is all the instructions i like that You guys don't have wills? You don't think about death often? I actually had to do this last year myself. I didn't do any of the game stuff where you had to do stuff for the

googly eyes, but I definitely have all my stuff in a trust now and if I die, people will know where to go. I would like, I don't have that, but my dad does for a living. He does tax law and estate planning. So he's probably, I think I'm

good. He'll figure out a way to steal it from your mother. Oh, dang. It all came from him anyway. Dang. If anything, it's just a loan repayment once I die. What I do want to do is talk to my brother, just in the event that I, I need

to tell him where my porn and my secrets are and just be like whitewash this. Why? I think it's so weird when people are worried about people finding their porn. Everyone watches porn. They don't watch as much porn as I do. Okay, here's the thing.

Don't have him take it away. I think everyone would be really interested in what you watch. Yeah, that's what I don't want, though. It's like, does he like hentai? Does he like fisting videos? So I don't like hentai or fisting, so I guess maybe my porn is pretty vanilla. Yeah, it sounds pretty vanilla. Yeah, it is.

It's a little vanilla. You like bondage? No. This is very vanilla. I think it's, what I like. You like cock torture? No. Okay.

It's all, it's all. Keep going, there's like 21 questions questions But what's not vanilla is the amount I think that's what's I think there's too much 30 terabyte drives Amir, do you like cock torture? Nah, I'm even more vanilla than Jake I barely even watch porn, let alone the cock torture kind

Amir's porn habits are so He doesn't Tell me this When you're watching porn, is it like, is it an event? Do you like sit down and treat yourself? Or do you just? No, I apparently watch porn incorrectly. I watch porn. On a toilet with my phone. Yep, on the toilet as I'm dumping one out. No, I just, I watch it and then I put my phone away and I say, that was good. And then I masturbate. I don't masturbate while watching porn.

You watch it to get in the mood. Yeah, and then I like use the images I just saw to like fuel my fantasy. I like that. I've definitely romanticized getting back into the masturbation imagination game. Because it's been a long time. But yeah, that seems really hard.

Do you shut your eyes? Yeah, I feel like it's weird to masturbate looking into my room. And I'm like, oh man, I should clean this. So you're on the bed, eyes shut. You're basically like a drug addict where the dosage has to keep going up. Where it's like, unless you're multi-tabbing and like 30 videos are playing at the same time, it doesn't even register. So the idea of like not watching anything. I'm like dragging different windows around the desktop,

like positioning videos into the workstation. You've got your computer, your iPad, your phone, your Apple Watch. He's like a DJ, multi-tabling. He has one ear on a headphone and he's sort of scratching. Knock it off. I have a question. I'll ask Amir first. Fuck!

Alphabetical order. Where did you meet your current partner? Online. Where? A dating app. Which one? It's kind of a funny story. Jake's ex-girlfriend tried to set us up years before we met.

And then she. And you said, no, we'd rather meet on a dating app. Well, I said yes, and she said no. Yes, bitch. Know what you want. She was like. And it's not you. I guess Jake's ex-girlfriend's like, oh, I have two Jewish friends.

They should get together because they wanted, Jews want to date Jews. And then I was like, sure, yeah, let's do it. And then she was like, I wanted Jews want to date Jews and then I was like sure yeah let's do it and then she was like I don't want to date someone just because he's Jewish I was like don't try to set me up like that

and then we matched on a dating app and we started dating which dating app? Raya ah the dating app that made me wait

two years are you on it now? sure am and I can't believe how many DJs are in the world can I see what it looks like nowadays have made me wait two years. Are you on it now? Sure am. Fuck yeah. I can't believe how many DJs are in the world. Can I see what it looks like nowadays? Because it's been so long for me.

Is it still the slideshow? Is it still the songs? It's still the slideshow. Mine played my neck, my back. Does it still show you 10 people a day? I believe so. Only 10 people a day? Or like a limited amount, basically. A hyper limited amount.

Ooh, this is exciting. Is it, do you still match or see the occasional C-list celeb? Um, I have not seen any celebrities on it. Uh, I've only just seen a lot of DJs and a lot of people who live in Australia. Interesting. And I'm like, why? Why? Why?

There are so many Australian DJs. Too many. They don't even play good music there. There should be a dating app that just says connected after every swipe because like that little rush of dopamine that you get. Like, you know what? It's like a connection, a match. It's a match.

It is funny that it says connected. Yeah. Because I'm like, did we really connect or did I just kind of like your song? Wait, how do I hit play on the song? I can't. It just says yes or no. Isn't there a song? There's usually a play button.

Wait, click the top of their profile. I haven't been on Ryan forever. Oh, really? Why is that? Because there's a lot of white people. And I don't think those are the type of white people who want to date this one. DM, what would you say you have had the most success on app wise? Truly

none of them. It's very bad out there. I fucked more people on Tinder. See, you got it going. What did you do? I just pressed the picture. See, that's what I said. Press the top. It's very intuitive. I don't know what's wrong with him. There's no play button. Amir, are you dumb?

Just throw it. Yummy. So you don't find more success on Raya versus Bumble versus Hinge versus this versus that. No. Okay. So I've fucked a ton of people off Tinder. Bumble, I've had a very long interaction with this man who's currently in Iceland. What kind of dude?

He keeps being like, when I come back, we'll see each other. Is he a Viking? And he's calling me babe, and I'm like, oh, I like that. And then Raya, I met up with one person who then sent me a script. And then, or maybe two people. One sent me a script. One was like just bad. And then on Hinge,

I've gone out with three people from Hinge. One was good. One was a leprechaun and one was fine. Tell me about the leprechaun. I want to hear about the one that was fine.

The one that was fine was just this man that we went out with. I think we went to Jay's Bar. Love Jay's Bar. It was nice. Great salad. It's a good first... Ew, really? They have a good chicken salad, yeah. I don we went to Jay's Bar. Love Jay's Bar. It was nice. It's a good first day. Ew, really? They have a good chicken salad,

yeah. I don't think that's a place for me to eat a salad. Really? Yeah, it's like a lot of wood and it's very bar-y and it smells like beer. We've had different experiences at Jay's Bar. They have a great salad. Alright, I guess next time I'll get a salad. Next time I'll

get a beer. You're thinking of Tender Greens. Oh, that's right. I love Tender Greens. They have a really great chicken. Anyway, so the one that was fine, we just had drinks and then went our separate ways and then didn't really text again. And then the other one, the leprechaun, he made me like answer questions about myself. Find his pot of gold and then i have three

questions for you he kept dangling this pot of gold and i was like i don't want your fucking gold man was he just short was he just short and redheaded yes he was just a little shorter than i thought a little more redheaded than i thought he was nice but we truly had nothing in common and then the other one i went to the airport on a date with. We went to Guy Fieri's Burger Joint. I heard about this. Yeah. Is that an airport?

Yeah. So the only Guy Fieri restaurant, I've talked about it on the pod, the only Guy Fieri restaurant is in the Burbank Airport, and it's Guy Fieri's Burger Joint. So we went through TSA. You bought tickets. I bought two refundable plane tickets so we could do it. And then I found out weeks later.

That's a great first date. It wasn't our first date. Oh, whatever. It's a great date in general. It can't be a first date. I can't be like, hello, I'm certifiably insane. No, you got to ease

someone into your insanity. And then I found out recently that there's a second Guy Fieri restaurant, a full restaurant in Terminal A. A different restaurant at the airport? Burbank?

Yes, still in Burbank. And we were supposed to go through Terminal A because it was Delta. But I had read on the internet that it was in Terminal B. So I was like, we're going to go to Terminal B. And he was like, but that's not what our tickets say. And I was like, you shut the fuck up. We're going. And then he did shut the fuck up.

The TSA agent was like, hello. And he was like, and then we ate and it was great. And then we went to the fuck up. The TSA agent was like, hello. And he was like, hmm. And then we ate, and it was great. And then we went to a tiki bar after, and it was delightful. So I've had a pretty decent experience on Hinge. I like Hinge. Smattering. Is it the same people on each, or you can tell?

I feel like Hinge is like people who want to date. I see. And I feel like Tinder's like, I just want to fuck. Tinder's definitely who want to fuck, right? Yeah. And Raya's just like career. I have no idea what Raya is. I think Raya's a fucking disaster. And then there's Coffee Meets Bagel, which I've said it so many times.

You have to earn beans to spend beans. That is insane. That's how you like people. You have to get beans. It's also a weird thing because it's Coffee Meets Bagel. What is that even like a parody of? What is that even supposed to sound like? Coffee meets bagel.

Is one of them a woman and one of them a man? Well, I think the bagel obvskies is the woman. And the coffee is the guy? Yeah, because he thinks he's real big and not going to fit in that hole. I thought coffee meets bagel was like an anti-Semitic. What? I truly thought it was for Jewish men to meet black women. What? Yeah, I thought it was a an anti-Semitic. What? I truly thought it was for Jewish men to meet black women. What?

Yeah, I thought it was a racist anti-Semitic ad. Oh, I get it. The coffee's the black women, the bagel's the Jewish person. So we could have met on Coffee Meets Bagel. Yeah, but we couldn't have because you're in a relationship. Wait, Jake, how did you meet your wife? We met at work. Go on.

She was working at College Room at the same time that I was working there. Ah. And I started flirting with her, and then we went to a bar, and then we hooked up, and then we started dating. Was it awkward to work with someone that you hooked up with? No, I hooked up with almost everybody at work. Really? Yes. You nasty little slut. No, I hooked up with almost everybody at work. Really? Yes. You nasty little slut.

Yeah, I was a little work slut. That's so, and it wasn't awkward to like hook up with multiple people and then start long-term dating someone? It probably was for them, but I was also long-term dating somebody else at work when I. Dang. It's hard to meet people. That was also, I mean, Tinder was around for like maybe, maybe around the time that I met my wife, but before that it wasn't. So like you

have to meet people socially and everybody at college humor back then, like work together and party together. So it was like, that was like my full social circle. I couldn't meet anybody else. I mean, that makes sense. Amir, did you date any coworkers? No, God, I would never. I would be too scared and too anxious. I don't want to like mess things up. I don't want to have work be uncomfortable the next day.

I would always be like too afraid to do that. Right. And I don't think about consequences of anything ever. Fair. I mean, I've hooked up with a ton of people I've performed with the day after and you're like, it's a situation we both created. I never find it awkward. I think it's funny.

There's nothing awkward about it to me. Sometimes I feel like it's awkward, especially if it didn't go well. Yeah. Smiling and staring. It went bad. Your dick was all weird and I got to look at you well. Yeah, but... Smiling and staring. It went bad, your dick was all weird, and I gotta look at you again. Oh, yeah. I guess I have a normal enough dick that I never felt like. That you know of.

Yeah. Your wife might just be getting by. Jill, why don't you come in? Jill! Jill! Tell us about this dick! Come tell the girl about my penis, please! Can you sketch the dick for us?

Guys, we have to take a quick hot little break. Oh, and we're back. Marissa had a hot tip. This is excellent. Fuck. I got too excited. This is episode 69. That's a sexy episode. It is episode 69. That's a sexy episode.

It is very sexy. It is a very sexy episode. You guys like 69? Yeah, that's my favorite. One of my favorites. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's great.

Ah, Amir. It's nice. It's the closest you'll ever get to sucking your own dick as a man. What is wrong with you? What? That is not why. What are you talking about? It's like using a vagina as an avatar for your penis.

Wait. So you are doing something that is being done to you, and it almost feels like you're, in a way, doing it to yourself. So when you eat pussy, you feel like you're sucking your own dick? No, it's almost like if there was an app that's like, eat this iPhone, and then we'll simulate what it feels like to be blowing somebody, aka yourself. So as you do it to somebody else, it's being done to you. You could also do it. You could like

fuck a fleshlight while you suck a dildo if you're looking for that feeling. Yeah, I guess you could. If that's something that you seek. That's what you say all the time to all my suggestions. Listen, we can always eat a fucking dildo while fucking a fleshlight. But that's what you say all the time to all my suggestions. Listen, we can always eat a fucking dildo while fucking a flashlight. Obviously, that's the ideal. And that's what we used to do when we lived together.

You used to just stare at each other, sucking dildos, fucking yourselves with flashlights. Two dudes 69ing is the closest you'll get to sucking your own dick. Is that safe to say? I think the closest you'll get to sucking your own dick is learning how to be flexible and sucking your own dick. Yeah. Obviously, that's the goal. Because there's people out there who can do it. Yep.

That's true. I wonder if I could do it if I would want to. I think if you worked every single day at your flexibility, you could do it. But he's saying would I want to. Oh. Would I want to? If I could snap my fingers and be able to suck my – well, I guess I would because that would just mean some really good deep stretching. That would be nice.

But there's nothing that appeals to me about filleting myself. I feel like Vaseline has done fine. Vaseline? For masturbating, yeah. Well, you don't have anything you have to stroke, I guess. Not lotion? Lotion will work, but it just dries out too fast. You don't want to have to keep on pumping.

What about baby oil? I feel like Vaseline is too goopy. Yeah, but baby oil is too liquidy. It'll run down your leg. You can use coconut oil if you want to be organic. Yeah, coconut oil. That's a nice idea. Thanks.

Do you use coconut oil? Occasionally. I like how hydrated your guys' dicks are. I don't think I would eat my own pussy because I think I would just laugh. It would be hilarious. It would just be so fun. I think the whole time I'd be like, I can't believe I could do this. It would just be so insane.

And then I'd be like, guys, look at what I can do. I would just be doing it all the time. Oh, yeah. You could never keep it a secret. No, I would tell the world. But I've never S'd a D, so it feels weird to do it to myself. Have you ever eaten a pea? And then it feels you've been desensitized to do it to yourself.

What are you saying? He's asking if you ever went down on anybody. Yes. So then if you did it to yourself. Why did you phrase it He's asking if you ever went down on anybody. Yes. So then if you did it to yourself Why did you phrase it like that? We're all adults. I don't know. Did you say eat the pee? Eat a pee instead of S-A-D. Fuck you

slobber on a puss. E a pussy. I have slobbered on a puss or two. Right. I think four. A puss or two literally not What am I think for? A puss or two, literally. So I would know what to do with myself. Right.

But I've never gone down on a guy so it'd feel like really foreign. So I haven't been desensitized to it. You should try it. Oh my gosh. That ship has sailed. It's too late for me. Fair. Fair. I'm not going to experiment now.

You could do a deal though. I'll be 36. Yeah. You're 36? Wowza. I mean, I eat a banana. I's too late for me. Fair. I'm not going to experiment now. You could do a deal, though. I'll be 36. Yeah, you're 36? Wowza! I mean, I eat a banana. I eat a banana every day. Oh, then fucking deep throat that banana. Before I peel it?

Yeah, before you peel it, just deep throat it, look your coworkers in the eyes, and say, I'm the boss! Sorry. Don't do that. You'd get fired so fast. I was told this is a fantasy football podcast. I feel very uncomfortable. Oh, man, I'm the boss! I was told this is a fantasy football podcast. I feel very uncomfortable. Oh, man, I'm sorry.

So you want the Chargers to win or the Patriots? That's right. Those are teams, right? Those are real teams. I don't watch football specifically because, like, I think it's bad. You don't have to watch it. They're all banging around and they're sick and they're walking around. Their heads are all rattled.

Now's not a time to get into it either. It's not that fun to get into it either. It's not that fun to watch. But you know what? Well, you're not going to care. I will. All right. So if you invest a little bit of time in learning the emotional stakes, like this guy's a rookie who has something to prove. This guy is like a veteran who's like maybe got one year left on his contract.

This coach has like lost 30 times to this coach. This guy ate his family because of CTE. This one's hips are displaced because he got tackled too hard. This guy can't remember high school because he's been concussed 40 times in the last two years. That's right. So then you can sort of get into it. You're like, I'm going to root for the guy that's about to murder his whole family because of CTE. Because you want him to have one last positive thing in his life.

One last hurrah. Do you like reality television? I fucking love reality television. I watch 90 Day Fiance. It's literally my favorite thing in the world. So you can get into just like a football or basketball documentary and learn about the characters. And when you watch the games, it's like reality TV. That makes sense.

I'm going to read to you. I'm going to change the subject from foot beer. I'm going to read. So this person sent me a DM and she said or they said, hey, Nicole. So the guy I met on Tinder has a bent dick just like the one you were talking about. But he's really nice. I like his personality. Hot.

But he can only fuck me sideways wow that bent how bent full on right angle and i don't mean to laugh but i did any advice anyway you're a treat um i have never fucked somebody with like a bent bent dick like that yeah so bent that you can only fuck from certain angles is that sounds rough yeah like i i don't know if i have any advice other than like if it's good and you enjoy it then baby you gotta just do it i think we've talked to we've had questions from guys on our podcast where people are worried about their dicks being small, bent, weird, uncircumcised. You know, like people have dick anxiety. And I think my advice to those guys has always been like, it doesn't have to be entirely about your dick. You could make, you could, there's toys.

You can go down on people. You can use your fingers, use your mouth. Like there's ways to compensate for having a bent dick. So hopefully this guy's learned to still pleasure people even though his dick can only be used from certain angles. Yeah, like the Rudy of pleasuring girls. Like you come in. He might be outsized, outmatched, outgunned. He's only 5'7". He's a

leprechaun man with a bent dick. He's got an elbow down there. On Game of Thrones, Grey Worm is a eunuch and he still fucks Missandei. Grey Worm is a eunuch? Yes, Grey Worm is a eunuch. He's an unsullied warrior. I don't know what that means. So the unsullied are

the warriors who are castrated at birth and then they're raised to be like the toughest soldiers in the world. How are these tough soldiers if they got no dick? Because they only care about fighting and battle because they don't care about women and fucking because they don't have cocks or balls. But don't people fight harder for women? And they have more testosterone? Yeah. Yeah, well, all the ones that are castrated and then proved to be weak

are killed during their training. So it's really only the toughest of the tough, cockless men that survive. I've never seen an episode of this Game of Thrones you speak of. A lot,

a lot of guys without cocks in that show. It's a big thing for... You just lost her. Of course she's not going to watch it now. I'm only watching TV for those dick prints. Yeah, but there's some incest and stuff.

There's still some sexy shit. Well, that's right up my alley. Oh, baby, I love a brother and sister just being like, we really get along. I got this message from someone that said, hey, Omeo, I just started listening to your podcast and it's amazing. You're amazing, which is really nice. I love your confidence. I love your sexuality. Sexual confidence should be called confidence.

That's good. I have confidence. Just like you, I got a big booty and I also love to gobble dicks. But I was wondering if you have any advice on how to amazingly blow someone. Maybe I'll learn when I listen to more of your podcasts. But for right now, my gag reflex is shit. Okay, so do you guys, before I answer with my little thoughts, do you have any advice for a good blowjob since you've received, I assume, at least two?

Otherwise we'd be single. How do people message you by the way Tinder got it so that's a Tinder message oh wait no sorry Instagram that was so wild

that was an Instagram DM very much so you match all your fans on Tinder yes I match with them and then they ask me for advice no sorry that's an Instagram DM

got it why do you ask do you have like an email set up yeah I should probably do that's kind of cool because then people

are typing on their phones. I feel like they will tend to write shorter messages. Oh, all right. Never mind. No, it just gets broken up into a very long

scrolling thing. Oh, that's rough. Yeah. So I think I would prefer a blowjob with lots of hands. I don't need

a deep throat thing at all. So it's half hand job, half blowjob. lots of hands. I don't need a deep throat thing at all. So it's half hand job, half blowjob. Yes. I also, this is really specific, but I don't like when people are pressing on my legs. Like my ideal blowjob is like somebody in between my legs not touching me at all except for. Don't even talk either. Except for with their mouth and their hand i don't want them to be in the room i only like blowjobs from ghosts i wanted

to i'm so confused as to why they would oh i guess if they're only using their mouth yeah or they're like lying on my like my like my leg falling asleep during a blowjob is i'm like conscious conscious of it i I'm like contact. That's like, that's hurting me in some way. While the most pleasurable thing is happening. Jake puts a toilet seat cover over his thighs. I put a sheet and I say no contact except use a glory hole.

Yeah. Yeah. A glory hole is probably my ideal. Well, no, cause you, I want to be like sitting down too. That's true. Yeah. Lying down. Um, okay. So, no, because I want to be like sitting down, too. That's true.

Yeah, lying down. Okay. So, all right. Well, let's take out the no contact thing because that's a weird personal preference. Okay. And I don't think that's like. Well, that might be some people's. I don't think that's generic enough advice.

Cup of tea. Yeah, so maybe you asked. But hands. Can I lean on this? If you had two hands going and you're really cranking, that's hot shit. Okay. To me. Okay. That's one shit to me. Okay.

That's one theory of a blowjob. Good luck getting anything out of this guy. He's not very open. I got some... Sorry, can you not touch me? I got some tips about what not to do. Okay. People universally don't like teeth.

Okay. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Make it personal to you. One second. I wasn't done talking. It seems like I got the best answer on Family Feud and you're getting mad at me.

No teeth. Okay. I don't know how you hide that. I don't know what's going on down there, but some people are really good at no teeth. You just kind of cover it with your lips. Mouth guard, Steph Curry style. Basketball reference. Don't worry about it. I know basketball. Bouncy bounce basket. That's right. No traveling. Bounce out. Movement. I know basketball. Bouncy bounce basket. That's right.

No traveling. Yeah. Bounce out. Movement. A lot of movement is good. Like staying at the top or staying at the bottom. So like whittling your whole body? Yeah, it doesn't have to be

the whole body. But yeah. And again, do not touch Jake's thighs. Bless you. Thank you. Oh, she's going to dab on him. Is that a real sneeze?

Yes. He sneezes like a cartoon mouse. Yeah, because if I just let it go, it hurts my nose. It's the only dainty thing about me. It's very sweet. Have you ever sneezed on the podcast before? Yeah. It's funny because when Mars sneezes, it sounds like a lion roaring.

Really? You guys should switch. We should. Creepy Friday sneezes. Sneezing on Fridays. Sneezy Saturdays. People will be like, Nicole, something's off about you. Here's my advice for a bloat.

Wait, do you have anything else? That's it. That's all I got. Just no teeth and a lot of movement. No teeth, movement. The hands are good. Okay. Don't touch the thighs.

I don't think I ever touch dudes' thighs. Good. I mean, if you're standing and I'm on my knees, I'll touch your butt. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I'll never come from a standing blowjob. Oh, really? Yeah. Way too much going on in the body.

Oh, too much standing. Okay, fair. It's a lot of concentration. To stand? Yeah, I mean, sometimes you're just like, I'm balancing. I might fall down. I want to be able to lose myself in the moment. I will come from a rollerblade standing blowjob.

I can split my time. I can juggle and come at the same time. That's crazy. I can absolutely play a video game. Well, it takes me a lot. Yeah, you got to stay in it. I respect that. I respect that you both have two different ways of being.

Thank you. Let's see. My blowjob advice is like hands. You got to get the hands involved. Twisting, not just up and down. Bop it. Yeah, bop it. Twist it.

Turn it. Well, don't bop it. They might get mad at you. Definitely don't bop it. I think paying attention to the head. Also, the most sensitive spot on a circumcised man is right under the head where they were circumcised. That's very sensitive. So you could pay attention to that.

Kiss on a little bit. Get the little tongue there. Balls. You got to get some ball action going. Better put all them balls in your mouth. Wow. going better put all them balls in your mouth and then if you do have a bad gag reflex all you really have to do is lift your tongue so it just hits the tongue and not the back of your throat and it seems like he's hit a wall if he enjoys a deep throat um and then you can make a little

gag noise because men love to pretend that their dicks are huge. And if you fulfill that fantasy, that's probably really good for them. A lot of spit. Got to keep it wet. You're reading off a scroll. Well, there's a lot involved with a good blowjob, I think. Got to keep that shit wet. Did I do good? Would you enjoy that?

Also I do eye contact Is eye contact bad? I think that's a personal preference Some people like some people don't It's like back and forth You can look up If they like eye contact They'll probably be looking at you

Hoping for the eye contact And if they don't If they avoid your eyes, then you're good. Then you should just look down and do your job. You could also just turn it into a 69, because that's like a blowjob with an ass in your face, and that's really nice. Yes. You can lay him down, swing around, and then say, eat my pussy, and then you go.

Sometimes I like to talk while I'm given a blowjob, but that's just for fun. Like it's an open mic night? Yeah, I'm just like, how's everybody doing? Yeah, you'll scroll through your phone. What else, what else? What jokes do I have today? This is a new one, so I'm not sure how it ends, but.

That's like a fetish. Stand-up blowjobs? Well, like blowing somebody while you're looking at your phone. Oh, really? Yeah. A disinterested blowjob. A board job. It's not really for me. I could never. I'm just I'm very involved.

It's an involved process. A job. I like the idea of doing it with intent. I haven't done this in a while. I haven't had anyone look at my Tinder because I haven't been dating. But I recently was like, you know what? I'm going to jump back in. So I jumped back in like four days ago.

I updated my Tinder profile. Thank you. So I would like for both of you to go through it. Oh, I'm so excited. Wow. This is very exciting. Okay, so picture number one is Guy Fieri. Number one.

Yeah. The very first photo, Guy Fieri. With me. Is it? Oh, I see. Look at the burger. That is so incredibly easy to miss. Let me see.

Oh, no. So maybe I should change it. Maybe it's just dark in here. No. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's hard to miss. Let me see. Oh, no. So maybe I should change it. Maybe it's just dark in here. No. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's hard to see. Because you're wearing black, and then he's wearing black,

and then it's gone. Oh, boy. I got to change it. All right. But that's a good last picture. Okay. And on a punchline. Second picture is just Guy Fieri.

Oh, the second picture is hot. That's dope. What's that one? Going with you by your, like, sort of squatting next to power wheels. Oh, that's good. So this could be your first photo. Yeah.

Okay, that was my first photo, and I just changed it. So, okay, I go back to it. Should I read the bio, or are we not there yet? Yes, yes. You could read the bio, go through the pictures, however you'd like to do it. Definitely a thought. The happiest out there, as in that's what THOT stands for. I guess you could call me a BBW, bored but wild.

Another acronym. Very nice. I forgot I was that. And also, I just watched the Minion movie, so let's talk about it. That's good. I fucking love the Minion movie. What if it was getting into so much mischief? They really do, and they're just so cute,

and I love those little overalls and their little goggles. And I love that 75% of the movie is just gibberish, but you know exactly what they want and what they need. And they say, like, every once in a while, just, like, one. Banana? Yeah. Salsa. Oh, no. Sorry, I haven't seen it, so just no spoilers.

Everything else is fine. Okay. Are you looking through the rest of the photos? So the next photo is you holding what seems to be an 18-inch dildo. Sure is. Or maybe it's just a statue. Can you peep? It is a big blue dildo.

It'd be funny if that was the number one picture and then the only bio was I just saw the Minion movie. Let's talk about it. Because what you're holding is a dildo roughly the size and shape of a Minion. Yes. I should put some goggles and overalls on it. That is a huge, a dildo roughly the size and shape of a minion. Yes. I should put some goggles and overalls on it. That is a huge, huge dildo. It's very big, and men like to ask if I take it. I'm like, no, it's just a ha-ha-ha.

It's a monster shirt looking at a monster dildo. Yeah. Do you think that that photo invites the creeps to have something to talk about? Yes, but every good date I've had, the person usually as an icebreaker is like, what a big dildo. And I go, it's a monster shirt looking at a monster dildo. And they're like, oh, okay, how was your weekend? And I'm like, good.

And then they never talk about it again. It is, yeah, it's sort of like bait for the creeps. Yes, it is. So like it weeds them out so quickly. I think that's smart. And people have told me to change it, but I truly, I like having it up there because if you can look at it and then move on, that means we might be able to get along. That's smart.

That's nice. This photo of you here, you've got your hair up. There's a bow. You're wearing a tiger shirt posing next to a record, right? What is that? Yeah, I think it's Eddie Murphy. There we go. You look really good in this photo. Thank that? Yeah, I think it's Eddie Murphy. There we go. You look really good in this photo.

Thank you. Yeah, that's an excellent one. Oh, yeah, this could also be top photo material. Oh, okay, all right. That's true. I think between that and the Power Wheels, I might even like that more, but I feel like the Power Wheels into that photo,

into dildo. And then do we end with Guy, or is Guy the second to last? Because we want to end. Guy is a good end because it's like that's like just strict comedy. You know, like everything else is kind of first to, oh, didn't I have like a theory for this? Yeah, like fun, fun, funny, hot, funny or something. It's like hot, fun, hot, fun, funny, hot, funny or something. Hot, fun, hot, fun, funny or something like that.

Hot, fun, hot, fun, funny. Okay. So that's like a hot photo, fun photo, and then end with funny photo. Yeah, you gotta have two funnies, two hot, sorry, two funs, two hots, one funny. So this is the right amount of ratio

because there's a cute dog photo too. It's just the order that we're concerned about. Let them know that I love my little dog even though he's a monster. Your dog looks incredible in that photo. Right? It's a good lighting. He looks so handsome. It's a good lighting.

Oh, damn. And this is the ass photo. Yeah, just so you know what you're getting. Just so you know I'm going to back that shit up on your dick. That's the other bio you could put. I would move this one very early. Second? No, third.

Okay, third. Pre-dildo. Pre-dildo. Because then they've got like, damn, look at that ass. And then like, dildo, it's like you've activated all of their horniness. So what's the ideal order here? Number one picture is? Let's go power wheels.

Pow, pow, pow. Power wheels. Okay, here, throw it and I'll change it. Okay. I don't know why I made the effort. You were throwing it. That's a great photo because it's hot and fun. So we're going do Power Wheels first

Yeah Power Wheels record Okay record Record's like cute fun But Yep but dildo Dog Guy Fieri Okay

Is there any that we're forgetting There's one of me climbing a bookshelf. But that one's in the Guy Fieri. That's the Photoshop, right? Yes. That's the source material for the Guy Fieri. So that should be after the Guy Fieri. Ah, yes.

Yeah. Because then they'll swipe and be like, wait, what? Here's Guy Fieri. But how did she get into the burger? That's true. I see. Oh, Photoshop. And she knows or knows someone who does know Photoshop.

Who Photoshopped that for you? A man. Hold on. Let me find out their name. Jacob Cleveland. Oh, that's Jake. Thank you, Jacob Cleveland. You're welcome.

He emailed me because I have an email that I give out. BaconConsave at gmail.com. And he said, I hope to show my appreciation of all your work with some photos you inspired. And then he also photoshopped me on the dildo. Of course. And then. Oh, oh, on the, like climbing it. Like climbing it.

And then the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I haven't said that in a long time. And for a hot second, I was like, is that the name of it? Yeah. It is the name of it, right? I'm not stupid. That and the iTunes store. Tough to say. I keep getting text messages. God dang. I saw a couple of those come in, but I swiped

them right up. Thank you for not getting into my private basnos. I have replied to a few, but hardly any. That's okay. You my podcast daddy. Actually, we told you on our podcast that you're our podcast mother. The situation has completely flipped.

We now work for you. No. Bye, mommy. Tell us. That would be wild. I can't run a business. We could try. We didn't know how to do it either. Yeah, we also can't run a business.

But you're doing a good job, I think. You have a studio space. Do you guys make money? We try to. We do. We make money. I mean, that's the goal. We try to. I don't really know.

Enough to afford Marissa and this studio. Everything else is gravy. Is Marissa the only other employee? We got Marty down there. Oh, yes. I know Marty. Yeah. And then another lady who emails me.

Marika. She's nice. I keep asking her if I can advertise with things I want free stuff from. Yeah. That's the real goal. Who cares about money? I don't care about money. I love free stuff.

I want free furniture. I want free mattresses. I got a free fucking couch, which is a nice thing. Yeah. Boop-a-da-boop. I saw that couch. It want free furniture. I want free mattresses. I got a free fucking couch, which is a nice thing. Yeah. I saw that couch. It was like red, wasn't it? Or purple? No. It's blue. You didn't see the couch at all.

I think we saw the couch. No. It was that website that you wanted to advertise. Joybird. Oh, no. That one is First Dibs. They sell like vintage stuff. Yeah. And I want these leopard print club chairs. Yes. That are so tacky.

Yeah. And they're like $5,000. First Dibs is a great site, though. I was using First Dibs to furnish my place in New York. I love First Dibs. They're not, I'm not doing ads for them. I just genuinely like them. Yeah.

I also love Cherish. Have you been on Cherish? Love Cherish. Cherish is great. There's a really good one that's called Palomo. A lot of it's from Europe, though, so it's extra expensive, but it's really beautiful shit. And it probably takes so long to ship. Can I just tell you, I was decorating my house finally after a full-ass year of living in it, over a year.

Furniture takes so long to ship. It really does. They're like, oh, we have to make it. And I was like, you don't fucking have a warehouse? And they're like, no, not every company is Amazon. You're like, oh, you can't prime me a couch? You can either get a couch at Ikea that afternoon or they have to make it.

Make it. And it takes a month. Even fucking West Elm and stuff. Are you still waiting for your couch? Yeah. I bought a couch in New York that was, we bought it in January. It's coming in the beginning of April. Yeah.

That's about right. Months and months. My couch was ordered in like October and I got it like two, three weeks ago. That's crazy. I hope you like it because I imagine if you like, you sit on it and you're three weeks ago? That's crazy. Crazy. I hope you like it, because imagine if you sit on it and you're like, oh, it's not that good. Oh, I would lose my goddamn mind. You waited three months for it. But it is comfy cozy.

Bigger than I thought, but nice. I like it. It's purple. Yeah. I bought something from Urban Outfitters. I bought a bed, and we waited for weeks and weeks. We put it together, and I'm like, I don't like it that much, but I'm never going to return this. They make you wait so that

when it comes, you're so excited. It's so heavy, but I've returned some big shit. I returned a dresser from Overstock and I was like, fuck this. I bought a dresser from Wayfarer and I put the whole fucking thing together and it

was missing a piece. And I called them and they were like, we'll just send you a brand new one. I was like, did I have to put together again? What do I do with the old one? They were like, donate it. And I was like, wow. So like, this furniture, I paid $400 for it. Cost you what?

36 cents? Yeah, so little. Fuck you. I don't want anything from you, Wayfarer. Just refund me. Honestly, if Wayfarer wants to do ads on my show, I will say nice things. Rosa, note this part so we cut it out later just in case. Love free stuff. No, I'm kidding. I'll never do ads for Wayfarer.

I couldn't believe how shitty. And then I bought another dresser, not learning my lesson. And it was just shaky. Like it was just, it wouldn't, it was terrible. You get what you pay for sometimes. Truly. Yeah.

There's a reason that some stuff is incredibly cheap. Right. But the furniture is so expensive. It's so expensive. Like, you know, what's really expensive? What?

Rugs. Rugs are stupid. Rugs are re-stupid? Yeah. Rugs are re-stupid. Rugs are really re-stupid. I think I was trying to say a word I shouldn't say. Oh? And then it changed midway through to stupid.

Relaxing? Yes, relaxing. Yeah, we're not supposed to say that word anymore. No, not in reference to rugs. It's supposed to be casual. I was going to say, cut that out. Cut that out, please. Don't cut it.

Bleep it. Bleep it. Yeah, can please bleep it bleep it yeah can you bleep it with she does that sometimes right I've heard Mars use your things my favorite is when it's bleeped and then you hear me go

bleep it with this yeah that's good I'm very funny it's exhausting okay here's a question that I ask almost all of my guests Ugh. That's good. Ugh, I'm very funny. It's exhausting. Okay, here's a question that I ask almost all of my guests unless I forget. Okay, let's start with Jake.

Okay, okay. Would you date me if you were not married? Absolutely. I 100% would. Oh, yeah! Follow up. Would you date me if you were married? Yeah.

This ring slides right off. Would you date me while you're in California and your wife is in New York? I've been thinking lately about having a mistress. Wait, bleep that with I've been thinking about having a safe marriage. I've been thinking about keeping a concubine. A concubine. That's a great word that I have not heard in a long time. It's too long, yeah. Concubines in unix.

We should bring back concubine. We should. Great. They're, what word concubines? They're just like. A concubine, I believe, in maybe Japanese culture is a side bitch. Yeah. Okay.

Sweet. Yeah. All right. Cool. A side piece. A side piece, if you will. This is lovely. Thank you for that. Amir,

if you were in a two-year-long relationship where your anniversary was on Valentine's Day, would you date me? Thanks for remembering. Yes, I would date you. I also remember your anniversary, January 31st. Would you date me? Wow! Am I your type?

Wow, the tables have turned, which is a wild phrase because most tables have the same side. They're symmetrical. You're looking at somebody. Who fucking cares if the table turned? Unless it's upside down. Okay, the table has been flipped upside down.

This is a wild question. Let's see. Or have you dated somebody like me? Just like a normal, scrawny Jewish guy? I actually would also like her to answer the question, would you date specifically Amir? Specifically, yeah. I think I would date you, but also I feel like our conversations

would be filled with you being like, oh boy, you don't know much. No, you're putting that on me. You're projecting, you don't know much. No. I have to tell you this. You're putting that on me. You're projecting because you don't think I know anything. No. I think you know more things than me. Okay, good.

I needed to hear that. My self-confidence is very low. I'm really stupid. I'm incredibly relaxed. Yeah, I'd date you. A nice little Jewish boy. Have you dated a nice little Jewish boy before? No.

boy have you dated a nice little jewish boy before no i tried dating this nice jewish man named ej waborski who i'll say i said his full name because he's on an episode of the podcast but i was badly behaved he was behaving better you know i was behaving bad i got too drunk and peed on his floor you just popped a squat i was black people pee in my bed you can get over that I was blacked out it was bad you blacked out a lot I was like 21 oh in my early 20s my whole life was a blackout

I worked at Lane Bryant and if I didn't show up for work they would just like call and be like are you okay can you let somebody know if you're okay and I'd call back

and be like yeah like my manager loved bringing this up. One New Year's Day, I called out of work. I was like, hi, I can't come in today. And Lisa was like, why not? And I said, oh, I hurt so much right now. And she went, what?

And I was like, I hurt so much right now. And she was like, Nicole, God damn it. And she hung up. Where was this location? This was on 34th Street in Manhattan. Wow. Yeah. And they never fired you?

They're just like, all right, she's hung over again. Well, I think it was because I was like 21, 22. And they're like, well, if she doesn't show up here, who will keep her alive? Who will be accountable for her safety? That's cool. People should support Lane Bryant for having cool stories like that. Uh-huh. i ended up quitting it's a whole convoluted story that we don't have time for i quit uh by like truly never showing up again jackie called and she was like hey are you coming in today and i was like nah and she was like are you ever coming in again i was like

nah she was like all right and that's how i? I was like, nah. And she was like, alright. And that's how I quit my job at Lane Bryant. Thanks for keeping me alive all these years. Yep, thanks Jackie Cracky. I didn't ghost them because she asked me what was up and I responded. But if she didn't ask, you would have never... Yeah, I probably never would have shown up again.

I mean, retail sucked. Women would like pee on the floor. You just said you peed on the floor this one woman you just said you peed on the floor well that was I was blacked out and she said

she was behaving badly who's shopping blacked out I mean sometimes me I used to go grocery shopping with a friend when I was

hammered all the time that sounds dangerous and I'd wake up and be like why did I buy this purple sofa let's see what was I gonna say

I don't remember wait did you answer what Lane Bryant bad retail bad people pee on the floor this one lady returned pantyhose with period

stains in them oh dear and she was like I never wore them and I was like ma'am you fully wore them you wore them the most yes and then some people

would like return white jeans with like chocolate stains on them and I'm like bitch they're hopeless chocolate come on oh god I didn't even on them. And I'm like, bitch. They're hopeless chocolate. Come on. Oh, God. I didn't even think of that.

No? I'm hoping nobody fucking scooped a poop and wiped it on their jeans. In Delta style. And then brought them in to return them. Wait, Amir, I don't think you answered. Would you date me? I said yes. But then would you date me was my follow up.

Oh, I see. I see. Okay. Great. So you have dated a Jewie before I tried to date EJ Waborski but you know didn't really work out Pete on the floor ski. But I'm gonna see

him when I'm in New York in April Honestly he told me that he's still like on a group chat all these years later with the people he lived with at the time I came to terrorize his home and they've been like following my career. And they're like, we can't believe this mess has done anything of note.

Now she's on fucking Comedy Central and Netflix. And they're going to come to my show in April. That's cool. Which will be a fun little reunion. You should pee on stage. I should. I should be like, hey guys, remember this? I still got it.

I also fell down his stairs and passed out. Oh my God. I was so poorly behaved. But like now I understand that that's not how a human should act. Yeah. Falling down, that could result in death. Yeah. That's real dangerous.

But the only thing I got was a sprained ankle and my contact fell out. So one eye was blue, one eye was brown. And my ankle, very, very big. Of course. You better believe no cab stopped for me. Oh, God. I wouldn't have stopped for me either. Boys, we've come to the end.

Would you like to promote anything? You guys have a podcast on your own network. We do. We have a Fyre U, which is an advice show that you came on. So if you're listening to this, you can listen to Nicole on our podcast. But really, we just want to promote your show. Yes. People are already listening.

Keep listening. Please keep listening. Otherwise, I'll die. Spread the word. Tell a friend. Yeah. My favorite are when people tweet my favorite Arwen, my favorite thing is when people tweet at me and they're like, I was listening to your podcast, my headphones came unplugged, and

you were screaming about eating an asshole. And I love to eat a butt. I do. Do you guys like ass play? I don't, but Jake does. Yeah, I'll eat a butt. Yeah. Hell yeah. You gotta eat a butt. Well, it's does. Yeah, I'll eat a butt. Yeah! You gotta eat a

butt! Nah, it's not for me. Eat your gal's butt! And then let me know about it after. I barely even like salad. Alright, that's our time. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. Okay, wait. No, we're not fucking done. I say when we're done! Oh yeah, I forgot this is your show.

No, okay, so if you want to send me a nasty little thing hitting on yeah, I forgot this is your show. Okay, so if you want to send me a nasty little thing hitting on me, I will read it. Okay, so this person, Carly, said, I want to eat roast beef and mashed potatoes off your booty without using my

hands. Extra gravy. This nice person emailed me. They said, hi, Nicole. I'm a yoga teacher and I want you to come to my class so I can teach you to do a headstand so I can fill your stumped-est puss with soup and then eat it right out of you. I'm a gold star gay, but if you let me eat some creamy clam chowder out of your vag. Jesus Christ. I would be the most excited to give up my status

suck the chowder out of you oh my god and eat you out until you squirt in my face oh my god this happens every week how are you going to read another one now I have so many

right now that fills you up and eats chowder out of you she's about to read mine this is from Jake hey Nicole I love your podcast I want to bounce your pussy like a super ball and catch it in my mouth

let's see this is about Pringles okay that's it so honestly you're competing with that clam chowder one Jesus Christ you should call that guy's bluff I want you to get nasty okay

bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.