Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Bob Derails the Pod (w/ Bob the Drag Queen)

Episode Date: May 16, 2025

Bob the Drag Queen (The Traitors, winner of RuPaul's Drag Race S8) returns to the podcast to derail the show. This time, Bob interviews Nicole about her current relationship, run through their plans to prep for tariffs, and discuss LA's newest serial killer. He sniffs out the ulta-rich cast members on The Traitors, shares what he hates about Italy, and Canada’s ex-prime minister's blackface scandal. Plus, Nicole shares her latest showdown with the cops.Buy Bob's new book, Harriet Tubman: Live in Concert at readthedragqueen.com.WATCH this episode at youtu.be/ZojW_xiV2sMSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» OneSkin: Get 15% off OneSkin with the code DATEME at oneskin.co #oneskinpod» SquareSpace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.» Wayfair: Every Style, Every Home.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Wanna watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. The new McCrispy Strip is here. Dip approved by ketchup, tangy barbecue, honey, mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in Buffalo and ranch, more ranch, and creamy chili McCrispy Strip dip.

Now at McDonald's. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba. Orange and creamy chili McRispy strip dip. Now at McDonald's. Ba da ba ba ba. ["Why Won't You Date Me?" by The Bachelorette plays.] Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why!

Ha ha! Please tell me why. Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was still single, even though you could come right on my hair and say, oh, that's dandruff. right on my hair and say, oh, that's dandruff. My guest today is a Peabody award winning drag queen superstar, actor and comedian. This person won RuPaul's Drag Race season eight and co-hosts the Webby award winning podcast,

Sibling Rivalry, their or his debut. What do you use? You use he, him? I use he and she. Okay. Yeah. I? You use he him I see and she okay? Yeah Hey, I don't use they I don't have nothing against they then means I'm just not a bit You're just not a they than me okay You know when Demi Lovato was a baby for a short while for a very short while she was when she was a Demi Lovato And then she was like

She's like JK. I don't want to do this, but also she's like and I also see aliens Oh, I don't remember that you don't remember where she was when she was the aliens. No, I don't want to do this. But also she's like and I also see aliens. Oh, I don't remember that You don't remember where she was it when she was the aliens. No, I don't remember that. Yeah, she'll go hi Taylor. We started Don't be sorry. We did it on purpose. We did it on purpose. I wanted you to get your beautiful face on camera She would say hi. I'm doing about a singer activist and UFO experiencer You know, that's fun. Yeah, it's pretty iconic. That's very, very fun.

So the voice you hear is Bob the Drag Queen, who wrote a book called Harriet Tubman Live in Concert, which is out now. Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Hi. Hi. New York Times best seller. Which is incredible. Amazon number one.

Come on, Amazon. What? We love Jeff Bezos. Last me to the moon. Okay, okay, okay. Ah! Ah! Yeah, I wrote my fucking book,

and it is out right now. You can go to readthedragqueen.com to get it anywhere. You can get it near you. It'll direct you to audiobooks. I'm incredibly proud of my little baby. Do you narrate the audiobook? I do. Ugh, that's fun.

Did you narrate a book? No. No. I wrote a picture book. You're just like, this is a picture of a... That's why I didn't do an audiobook. It felt insane to be like, and this is me in another bikini. Did they offer?

No. Oh, yeah, that would make sense. Reading a book, obviously I've read books. Reading a book is one thing. Reading a book out loud, you start to think you're going crazy. Reading a book out loud verbatim. Oh yeah, you really can't add anything, can you?

You can't add, you can't subtract, you can't change. You have to just say it the way it is. And after a while you start thinking to yourself, what am I saying? Like you'll be like, I've been reading for 20 pages, I don't know what I'm saying. And if you don't read it verbatim, do they make you go back?

Yep. Ugh. Yeah. Ugh. Well, whoever's basically like listening in on you, they're following along, and they'll say, you have two options. Either I can just stop you right when you say it wrong,

or I can let you finish the chapter. We can go back and do those things you missed again. And it's gruesome. She'll be like, oh, I'll notice that you said, went to a store, it's went to the store. Oh, I'll notice you said, she's about to, and you wrote, she bout to. That would make me crazy.

It does. I really thought I was going crazy. How long did it take to dictate? 12 hours. Ah! 12 hours to read the whole book, and it's only four and a half hours long. 12 hours.

Oh, I got a zut zut, sorry. Who? Who is it? Oh, you want to, it's Kennedy. Oh, your assistant. Kennedyit zit, sorry. Who? Who is it? Oh, you want, it's Kennedy. Oh, your assistant. Kennedy Warner, yeah. What'd she want? She was telling me that something I ordered

has arrived at the studio. What is it? Some high heels. Ooh, from where? Shout them out. This should shock no one. They're probably pleaser. More than likely, they're probably pleaser shoes.

I do love a pleaser. What's the height you wear? I wear anywhere from like a three to a eight inch heel. They make three inch pleasers? Yeah, they do, yeah. Pleaser doesn't just do the big stripper shoe. That's a common misconception. That's what I came here to talk about today. Throw that book down.

Just kidding. This is the heel I'm gonna die on. No, he either has a litany of shoes. I know they have a lot of shoes, but when I think of a pleaser, because they have different brands. There's like Fantasm and. Well, you're a pole dancer,

so you're wearing those pleases. I'm wearing the eight inch pleases, baby. Monette was gagged that you had on high heels at the party the other day. I wasn't wearing high heels at the party. Or somewhere you had high heels on, Monette was gagged. It was in a video. Oh. It was pole dancing. Oh, she probably saw the heels at the party. Or somewhere you had high heels on when it was gagged. It was in a video. Oh.

It was pole dancing. Oh, she probably saw the video at the party. Yes. And no one's wearing shoes at the party. It was a shoes off house. No, it was a shoes off house. Are you a shoes off house? Absolutely.

Yeah, for sure. You're a shoes off house, right? Yeah, for sure, 100%. That being said, when I go to a house that's not shoes off, I really appreciate it. I really love being able to walk in someone's house with my shoes on. I feel so, I immediately feel relaxed. The moment I walk in and I go take my shoes off,

they go, oh no, don't worry. I'm like, you're a good person. But here's the thing. You're a good person, but do you mop your floors constantly? After the people leave, are you cleaning? Are you vacuuming? Or are you living with the filth that people brought into your home?

I mean, I don't know what they're doing. I'm just appreciating. Fair. Like, I don't see their floors. The floors don't look disgusting when I'm there. But they are. They probably are, yeah, for sure. Not probably, they are.

There's an old episode of George Carlin had a TV show, and he cleaned his whole home. And he was like, oh my God, this tub is so clean, I could eat off of it. In fact, and he takes his whole home. And he was like, oh my God, this tub is so clean, I could eat off of it. In fact, and he takes his sandwich and he scrubs it across the tub and then he starts eating. And then he has a thought and he rubs the sandwich

on his head while thinking and then he bites it. But then the germs came from his head. That's the only I remember the George Carlin show from his head. That's the only thing I remember of the George Carlin show. I like that that's the only thing you remember. Because I think I only watched a few episodes. I've never seen an episode. You know, this is my issue with streaming. When I go to Peacock streaming service,

I should be able to see every single thing NBC has produced. I agree. When I go to Paramount Plus, I should be able to see every, like, old TV show. The entire catalog. The entire fucking thing. Yeah. Why?

Why are they hiding things from me? Well, do you remember when Disney dropped Mulan? And they were like, we know you already subscribed. But Mulan's an extra $25. Which is fucking rude. Or I hate when I go to a streaming service that I pay for, that I pay for, that I pay for, that I pay for, that I pay for.

That you what? That I pay for, and there are commercials. Listen. That's insane. I have the lowest tier of Netflix, and now I'm afflicted with commercials. It's not good. It's not good.

I had to watch you at somebody else's house who didn't have commercials. You would rather drive to someone's home than sit through commercials? Yup, that's what I did. I simply was like, I will not have my experience interrupted by commercials. I will not get the next tier.

Are you kidding? But we used to watch commercials. All the time. Yeah, we used to sit through, I was trying to explain to my nephew, who's 19, how we used to sit through... I was trying to explain to my nephew, who's 19, how we used to sit through, for one 30-minute TV show, at least 10 minutes of commercials. Yeah, because an episode of television's 22 minutes,

and for a half hour, yeah, it's eight minutes of commercials. And we just sit there just watching commercials. Just watching them. Or run to the kitchen to get something, and then you come back, and you're like, the show's on, and you're like, the show's on and you're like, no, I'm gonna miss Steve Urkel becomes Stefan. And now the five seconds before we get to skip,

we can't even function. No. You're hovering over the skip. You're just like literally hovering over the skip, waiting for that skip to pop up. Yeah. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think our attention spans are shorter

and I think everyone wants instant gratification. So I don't necessarily think it's a good thing. I think we should learn how to wait and save up. But you drove to your friend's house to avoid a commercial. Sure did. And it's probably like five minutes of commercials. Maybe. Maybe, but I just didn't want it interrupted.

Which is fine. Because I love you. Do you watch You? It keeps getting recommended to me. It's really fun. I just started watching Kevin Can Fuck Himself. I loved Kevin Can Fuck Himself. I thought it was new. No, it's old.

Yeah, 2023. It's kind of wild that they only did two seasons, but it does wrap up nicely. Oh, does it? It's really fun. Kevin Can Fuck Himself is a show that's like a 90s style sitcom, but then whenever she's not around her husband, it turns into like a...

Like a Breaking Bad. Yeah, low-key. Like the image is much less saturated. Mm-hmm. She's having a hard life. And she doesn't like this guy, Kevin, her husband. Yeah, because he can fuck himself, because he's low-key not nice to her.

It's a brilliant concept for a show. It's great, I loved it. And Justice for Shows that had great concepts but just kind of didn't get to. Well, there's so much, there's so many shows out there. How do they promote them? They're not promoting them. They're not telling the people.

No, Netflix is promoting you. You is in my face. Yes. I can't not see you. What is it about? It's about Joe Goldberg who stalks and kills women, but he narrates it So you kind of like are on his side even though he's bad, but he's an unreliable narrator There's a serial killer in North Hollywood. What? There's a serial killer in North Hollywood. What do you now? Yes right now. How many people has he killed?

I think maybe five. Five people? I think. Maybe we'll have a fact check. There's a serial killer. Did you find a serial killer? Mars, can you look it up? Can you look up a current? Yeah, I was looking this up because I saw a Reddit post in the neighborhood I'm in warning that they saw a guy who looked like the North Hollywood killer like in my neighborhood. So I'm actually, I'll talk to you later about that. That's scary because I barely locked my doors. You don't know North Hollywood, are in my neighborhood. So much I'll talk to you later about that. Yeah I barely lock my doors. You don't know how are you know? He's doing his night stalker style What is night stalker night stalker was it was a killer in the LA and in North California?

and I think he made me out of LA at some point too and he Killed I think maybe eight confirmed kills it confirmed They go on they go on to confirm with a like you have the evidence to tie to you killed, I think maybe eight confirmed kills. Eight? Confirmed. Oh my God. That's only confirmed. They always just confirm with A, like you have the evidence, the ties to you. Yes. But he would just, no rhyme or reason, just wiggle a door, if the door's open,

walk in and kill people. Literally, just wiggle the door, if the door's open, you walk in and you start killing people. Isn't that insane? That is wild. There's a whole documentary on Netflix, but you have to go to your friend's house to watch it.

Yes, I do. I gotta drive the 15 minutes to avoid the commercials. But that I might need a break. I might need the happy commercials to like get in there and you know, palate cleanse before we get back into the murders. I truly hardly ever lock my doors. Are you from like a small town in Jersey?

No, not really. Where you from? I also didn't lock my doors in New you from like a small town in Jersey? No, not really. Where you from? I also didn't lock my doors in New York. What? We lived on the sixth floor walk-up, so we always thought if you made it that far, you deserve it. This is insane.

We, how many people live in this house? There, it was one, two, three, four, sometimes five people. And none of you. No. Not one of you was like, we should lock the door. Six floor walk up. If you made it that fucking far, you deserve everything you want.

I lived on a, I think the highest I went was also six floors. Then for the most of my New York style, I was in a fourth floor on a walk up. And I'm locking my door. I'm also, I mean, where are you from in Jersey? I'm from Middletown, New Jersey. Is it right in the middle of the town?

Is it like in the middle of the state? It's central Jersey, so yes. Oh, okay, that makes sense. Monmouth County. Because if it wasn't, that'd be weird. But I, like growing up, my mom didn't lock her doors, but she's from Carlin, Mississippi. Yes.

And when I lived in Phoenix City, we locked our doors, but I was a latchkey kid. Here's the thing. I don't think anything bad is gonna happen to me. I don't think anyone's coming to kill me. I don't think anyone's coming to rob me. I don't have anything for you to rob. What, you want my collection of ducks? Like, you want my dumb shit?

Then someone would be like, well, I'll give you a reason. What, you're gonna scare me? Not me, not me. I don't think it's, maybe, I'll give you a reason. What, you're gonna scare me? Scare me. Not me, not me. I don't think it's, maybe, I think a part of, maybe serial killing is to scare, if that's part of their thing. But some serial killers,

they're not interested in scaring you, they're interested in scaring people around them. Like for example, the DC sniper, he would, I don't think they ever knew they were being killed, but everyone around them knew they were being killed. So you get to incite fear in people. Honestly, if someone broke into my house, I'd be like, oh, what are you gonna do to me?

I don't know, I got into a fight with a cop the other day. Like, I'm not scared. You have a gun? No. You should get a gun. Maybe. I think every black woman needs a gun. Yeah, but like, what,

I'm gonna have an unloaded gun in my house, and then when you break in, I'm gonna be like, uh, uh, uh, uh, please hold, please hold, I'm gonna be like, mm, mm, mm, please hold, please hold. I'm gonna be scary in a second. No, you're gonna have a loaded gun in your house. Yeah, but you're not supposed to have a loaded gun in your house because what if an accident happens? You can have a loaded gun.

If you have children, you probably should have a loaded gun. You should have a loaded gun that is in a safe. Oh, please hold. What's the company? I'm gonna get in there. Well, with the safety, so they make gun saves that go on the side of your bed. And you put your thumbprint on it, and it pops open. You pull out the blicky, and you start spraying like Queen Latifah and set it off. Oh my God.

I love Queen Latifah and set it off. Her death scene is so good. Spoiler. Sorry for this 40 year old movie. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

It's so good. Oh, they destroyed her. Would you play that, would you play like a butch, butch, bulldagger in the movie? Of course. Yes. I would love to be in the remake of Set It Off. Are you kidding?

But you're so not butch. You're so- It's called acting. I know, but do you think you have a Butch Bulldagger in you? I think I could. I think of the right ensemble. Well, let's give a little scene. You ready? Here we go.

Your name is, you need a stud name. Flip. Yo, I'm Flip. Oh, and I'm a, I'm a, I'm a Fem. My name is Abigail. All right, Abigail. Hi, Flip. Yo, and I'm a, I'm a, I'm a Fim. My name is Abigail. All right, Abigail. Hi, Flip. Yo, Abigail, what's up?

Not much. So what's going on tonight? Nothing, but your titties be looking nice. Oh, thank you. Nice and perky. I am, I do wanna be clear, I just came from my grandma's funeral. Oh, I'm sorry.

I do wanna just put that on the- I'm really sorry that she passed. Thank you I can make you feel better By doing what sucking the milk at your titties? Also as a reminder now I'm headed to my grandfather's funeral, which you know about my god, you know, I forgot I forgot. Yeah Blessings to your family. Also, what are you wearing? Oh, Fubu head to toe. Hahahaha! Head to toe is crazy. Fubu head to toe, vintage. They don't make Fubu anymore.

No, they sure don't. What's the guy on Shark Tank who used to own Fubu? Oh, Damon Dash. Damon Dash used to own Fubu, right? Yeah. Did you wear Fubu? Of course I wore Fubu. It was so good. I loved Fubu? Oh, Damon Dash? Damon Dash. You used to own Fubu, right? Yeah. Did you wear Fubu? Of course I wore Fubu. It was so good.

I loved Fubu. Tommy Hilfiger, Fubu, Aniche, baby fat, I wore it all. Fubu was a cultural reset for black people. For us, by us. For us, by us, but also, if you couldn't afford Fubu, what they would do is they would just make, cause it was a big, their main one was a giant F and a B on the front of your shirt

and it said, for Fubu. But what you could also have was the one where the F was kind of hiding behind the B, and you could tell that it would actually close and it was a P. And we used to call those, in my school we called those peanut butter. Peanut butter! They're like, if you're not wearing food,

we're wearing peanut butter. Did you have a name for knockoff shoes? No. Did you wear knockoff shoes? Not growing up, but I wear knockoffs now. Me too. Girl, the tariffs. I ordered so many fake bags.

Oh, which ones, which kinds? I ordered two Chanel's, a Dolce & Gabbana, a La Hueva, and a Prada. I just bought a fake Birkin bag. It is my new favorite thing. I'm obsessed. What color did you get? I got two.

One of them is cream and I'm covering it in pearls and stones to really throw how fake it is out there. And I have a black one that I think I wanna cover in spikes. I think that's fun. Also, I have no qualms telling people shit's fake. No me either. I got this fake Prada bag in London because there was a sign that said,

say no to fakes. So me and my friend Poonam were like, we gotta go find the fakes. And then found this cute little Prada bag for like $100, and I carry it everywhere. I fucking love it. I have a couple of real bags and a couple of fake bags. And I have no qualms with people knowing that I wear fake stuff either. But also, I would never, there are certain things that I just cannot

see myself spending money on. For example, really, really expensive jewelry. Yeah, I lose it. Yeah. And I barely wear it. Except for this, this one was like a little pricey, but that was a gift. They're not diamonds.

They're diamonds. They're diamonds? You're lying to me. No, I'm not. That's more than a little pricey, Nicole. It was a little slightly pricey. Nicole, I need you to say they're not. I need you to say they're not.

I simply won't on camera. But who bought it for you? I bought it for me. You said it was a gift. It was a gift to myself. When I book something that is substantial, I always get a nice gift for myself. So a secret is, when I was on The Traders.

Yes, we need to talk about this. When I was on The Traders. I'm doing bad. We've talked about no relationships and like, nothing about you. I derailed every interview I do. And I love that, Bob, I love that. One of the people on the show

would wear a lot of diamond earrings. Like a lot of diamond earrings. And I was like, there's no way these are diamonds. And he was like, I didn't say that, I was like, is this real? He was like, yeah, I was like, each one, they were getting progressively bigger as they went up this person's ear.

And so me and Gabby Wendy would always go on, we would start crunching the numbers. Like how much money is in this motherfucker's ear? This is crazy. And then we started talking about how much money other people had and their homes and stuff. And then- The person with the giant diamonds,

was this the person who'd be like head to toe in Tom Brown? Who knows? Okay. Okay in Tom Brown? Who knows? Okay. Okay. Who knows? Who knows? But you all have peacock, you can go watch it for yourself.

You tell me. And there were a lot of people in the house with a lot of money. So me and Gabby started crunching the numbers. And then we were always talking about how much money people had. And then one of the rich delegates came over to us and was like, we need you to stop.

Why? It's fun to speculate when people have money, money, money. Oh, we declined. We said thank you for the input, but we're going to keep talking about this. Can I say something really tacky I do? Yeah. Whenever I leave my friend's house. You go on Zillow to find out how much money they paid.

Immediately! Girl, I don't even do it when I leave. I'll do it in your home. I will do it in your home. Are you kidding? The minute I look around and I'm like, that's money, I'm on Zillow. Every single time without fail.

I've not been invited to your place yet. Yes, you have. Well, I've not made it over. You haven't made it over. Yeah. Well, you invited me and Jacob over, but I was out of town any of those places yet. Yes you have. Well I haven't made it over. You haven't made it over. Yeah, well you invited me and Jacob over but I was out of town so Jacob came over. Yes, yes, yes, yes and that was lovely. Mateo cooked.

Must have been nice. It was very nice but you had to be out of town. I had to travel. How long have you and Jacob been together? Almost eight years. That's such a lovely amount of time. For gay, that's crazy. Yeah and you guys are open?

Yep, you trying to fuck Jacob? No. Oh, Jacob's not good enough for you? No. I'd fuck your boyfriend. Thank you. Thank you so much. Jacob is a cutie.

Jacob is a cutie. And so sweet and kind, and like, you guys are so nice to one another. Are you taller than him? I don't know, how tall is he? Like 5'4 or 5'5? No, he's not. I'm 5'5, so we're the same height. You guys are so nice to one another. Are you taller than him? I don't know, how tall is he? Like 5'4 or 5'5? No, he's not.

I'm 5'5, so we're the same height. Oh, about 5'5, yeah. Jacob doesn't like to top people taller than him. Why not? He says he feels silly. Huh. Have you ever pegged anyone? No.

Would you peg someone taller than you, though? Yes. I would peg any person. If they asked nicely. That's all you gotta do? Yeah, just though? Yes. I would peg any person if they asked nicely. That's all you got to do? Yeah, just ask me nicely. I'll peg you. Because on the one hand, you seem really, like, amenable and kind and caring. On the other hand, you're like, break him out.

What the fuck you gonna do to me? Kill me? Yo, you're the North Hollywood killer. Ooh, look at you. Fucking lame-ass fucking bitch. I probably would say that. You're a lame killer. What are you gonna do? You're gonna kill?

Okay, so I got into a fight with these police officers the other night, leaving the party that we were at on Sunday, because they were doing a nonviolent just like citation. And there was a car and two people out of the car and two cops talking, but they were blocking the road so you couldn't get by. And there was lots of room on the other side of the car and two cops talking, but they were blocking the road so you couldn't get by, and there was lots of room on the other side of the road,

so they could have done their traffic stop, and then one of the cops could have just been like, flagging people by slowly. But instead, they just took up the whole fucking street. So then I did a U-turn, even though the house I was trying to get to was right there behind them, so I did a three-point turn, and then as I was turning around they started leaving

So then I did another fucking u-turn and I heard it you're at eight points at this point truly You made a star David. Yes, I did. I did. I made a star David in my Jeep So then I rolled down the window and I said, you know For a nonviolent thing you really could have pulled all the way over to the side of the street so other people could get by. I had to turn around, two other cars had to turn around. That's just, you know, polite. And then one of the officers was like,

oh, we could have just pulled over a little bit more. And I was like, and now you're mocking me? That's kind of funny. You're mocking me now? He kind of ate. He kind of ate. No, he didn't! He was starving! He did not eat a thing!

He got a devour. No! And then the other one was like, oh, are you having a bad night? She went and turned around, and I was like, yeah, I'm having a bad night because you people are fucking rude as fuck. And then I was like, be on your way!

And then I got a little bit past them, and then they turned on their siren, and I was like, to what, scare me? So then turn on their siren and I was like to what scare me So then I rolled down the window like arrest me. I got nothing to do tonight, but they didn't So why they turn the sirens on I think to scare me, but you can't scare me I had nothing to do that night. I do not like cops. I don't like them either that being said They ate That's really funny. That's really, because when someone's coming at you

and you just go, neeeh, neeeh, neeeh. You're a police officer though. Neeeh, neeeh, neeeh, neeeh. That's, honestly. It's not funny, it made me so mad. So, I was steaming. I was so mad.

Because you can't come back to someone going, neeeh, neeeh, neeeh. I guess they could have done it back to them. Oh, that would have been, and then ask, you ever heard of the game, Vomiting T-Rex? No. So it's a game we play in theater school

where everyone stands in a circle and then one person walks over to someone else in the circle and they do a motion and then they say a phrase. They're gonna be like, I'm having a lovely day. And then that person has to do it, but a little bit more exaggerated. Yeah, and it goes, I'm having a lovely day. And everyone keeps exaggerating until it always becomes

like a vomiting T-Rex. So that's what those cops were doing to me. Yeah, that would have been you and them going back and forth. God, they were just so rude. Did you ask your boyfriend why he won't date you? No, because he dates me. He wasn't always dating you. Yeah, but he didn't know me before he started dating me.

And how did the, who asked who? He asked me out. And who made it official? We both did, we had a conversation. I asked, I was like, so what are we doing? That's such a movie thing, sitting on the edge of the bed, feet off, they're on the bed. What are we doing? What are we doing with this?

What is this? What are we doing? What are we doing? And he was like, dating. And I said, oh, okay. And how long has that been? It's been a little over a year. Gang gang.

Yeah, it's really nice. What's your longest relationship? Two years. Two. Two. But. That being said. We were together for a year, broke up, and then spent a year trying to get back together,

but they were seeing other people and didn't tell me about it. Oh, cheating. Yeah. It wasn't kind, I didn't like it. Valid and fair. So technically, I guess that would be the longest one, but that, like, it really only lasted a year,

and then I wasted a year on that person. Do you still talk to them? No. No, that's fair. No, sometimes they'll reach out, but, and then I'll, like, answer because I still, you know, they're not a terrible person, they just were not good to me. And that's okay.

Not compatible. Not compatible, that's a good way to describe it. Are you in contact with any of your exes? Most of them, yeah. Oh, really? Not just one, one ex I don't talk to anymore. Mm. Yeah. Because you guys just weren't compatible?

I don't think he likes me. Actually, there's no thing, he does not like me. Yeah, he does not like me. Well. But all my other exes I still talk to. See, that's nice. And then, okay, so when you got with Jacob, were you like, we're open?

Was that a conversation that you had? Yeah, I think so. Jacob's my first boyfriend. Oh, really? Yeah. That's nice that your first relationships lasted eight years. Yeah. Wow.

I didn't start dating until I was 31. Why? I don't know if it was for lack of effort, but I'm really into doing my thing. Sure. And I'm really not into sacrificing anything. No, I get it, that's why I won't have kids. Yeah, same.

I just simply cannot fathom putting somebody else before me. I'll take it a step further, that's why I don't have plants. Oh. I don't even want plants. I had a, you know when people with plants die and they feel bad, they're like, oh no. She's so sad.

Don't touch it, it's a cactus. They're like, she's so sad. When my plant was dying, I had one plant in front of my house. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't feel bad. I was like, this fucking plant. Were you watering it?

Yeah. For the most part. It could feel your energy. I didn't feel, I was annoyed. I was like, this fucking plant. Were you watering it? Yeah, for the most part. It could feel your energy. I didn't want the plant, the plant didn't want me. When the plant died, I didn't try to rehome it. I just threw it, I took it to the trash can and I replaced it with a fake plant that looks just like it. I do, inside fake plants, outside, I'm a farmer. I was a farmer during the pandemic

and then when we got to go back outside and do shit, I stopped. You can't just say farmer. I stopped farming. You, you, we need to. So now I'm a farmer again. So I'm Nicole the farmer. I feel like there's. I had a harvest yesterday of two strawberries.

I feel like. I'm a farmer. No, no. Mm-hmm. She's a farmer. There's like someone who likes plants, and then above that you have a gardener. No, I'm a fucking farmer. You're not a farmer, Michelle. Yes, I am. Okay, what's a silo? What's a silo?

Yeah. A big thing, a cylindrical thing. Well, what's in a silo? Things? I don't know. That's not my farming sector. I feel like every farmer knows what a silo is. Well, I don't need a silo, so I don't know what that is.

Okay? Okay. But I do know it's a my farming sector. I feel like every farmer knows what a silo is. Well, I don't need a silo, so I don't know what that is. Okay? But I do know it's a cylindrical thing. It is a cylindrical thing. And things go inside. You ate that.

Thank you. You ate that. You know what else I eat? The fruits and vegetables I produce because I'm a fucking farmer. They can't be substantial. They are, I told you. There's no way you ever produce.

I just told you, I had two strawberries yesterday. I know they were pitiful. The other day, I had three. I had two strawberries. I know they were the other day I had three show me a picture. I know they're a pitiful. I know for a fact. They're a pitiful No, you did not produce a juicy strawberry. No you did If I live here right now go to bonds Michelle Sorry Nicole if I leave here now and go to bonds my strawberries will look better than yours. No pitiful and go to Von's, my strawberries will look better than yours. No. Pinniful! No! And you have nothing, you know how I know they're pitiful?

What? Because if they were big and juicy, you would have put something next to them to show the size. That's smaller than a quarter. Okay, well here, here's three. One's big, small, and then one is dead. No, but there's four, there's a sad.

There's four, one is fully dead. Taylor, I'll show you. I saw, they're great. Thank you, thank you. And my harvest is coming along. We are farmers. Farm, farm, farm, farm, farm, farm, farm. Okay, so I have...

So it's terraforming. Excuse me? Terraforming. That's when you form something, terra. I don't need to know that. Here's what I know. Fix your hair. You flipped it back in a way that was kind of crazy. Okay, I am a fucking farmer. I have, I have strawberries, I have tomatoes, I have two different tomatoes.

One's a beefy tomato. Or no, what is it? Early girl? I don't know. I have blueberries, I have watermelon, I have cucumbers. Yeah, I'm a farmer. Do you remember which president was a peanut farmer? This is George's pride and joy. George Washington Carver. No, this is George's pride and joy. George Washington Carver. Isn't he peanut man? He's not a president.

Whatever, listen. It was Jimmy Carter. I didn't know he was a farmer. He's George's pride and joy. He's a peanut farmer. I didn't know that. George is very proud of him. pride and joy. He's a peanut farmer. I didn't know that. George is very proud of him. But George Washington Carver.

You know how they're like, autism just came about? No. George Washington Carver had autism. A hundred different ways to use a peanut? No, for sure. He locked in. That's autism. Well, I'm ensuring people are like,

oh, there's autism popping up. It's like, you ever notice that your granddad is obsessed with fighter planes and trains? That's his special interest. And he has no social skills? Yes, there's so many people on the spectrum that were just like, oh, they're them. And it's like, no, no, we could put a name on it

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That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. And we're back So what were you gonna say You were watching something. Yeah, I was watching something, but I don't remember and I want to change subjects now Oh, I was watching a video online and there's a new The new the new thing with with a left-leaning Pundits is calling Donald Trump stupid and pointing out how stupid he is

There's a video of Donald Trump talking to the prime is the new Prime Minister of Canada Which I I found out Justin Trudeau is not Prime Minister on tiktok this morning. Whoa. I didn't know that he wasn't Prime Minister He was for ten years and then what happened? He said none no more I was in that prime minister on TikTok this morning. Whoa, I didn't know that he wasn't prime minister. He was for 10 years. And then what happened? He said, no more for me. I don't know if he ran again. Mars is from Canada. Yeah, so Canada has this track record

where if someone's sort of a prime minister for eight years, people kind of just get tired of them and then ever come out. He did 10. Yeah, he did like, so he was hitting that point. And now we have Mark Carney, who's like the new liberal. Oh. And just got a fat booty. He did have a fat booty.

He still does, he's not passed. And he was a cereal blackface artist. Oh, a cereal blackface artist? You didn't know this? He would eat cereal and blackface? No, he did blackface several times. He couldn't get enough. What?

You know about this, right? But was he funny about it? I mean, that's, that's, he was... I can excuse blackface if it's deeply funny. That was Nicole's voice. If it is so funny. I don't know, I wasn't at the party, so I don't know if he was doing great bits,

but he did blackface, I think three or four times. And it was documented, which means he's probably done it more undocumented. Exactly, confirmed, he's probably done it more undocumented. Exactly. Confirmed. Only four confirmed counts of blackface. But anyway, so they were sitting down with the new prime minister. There's one of him in blackface. Whoa! Whoa! That's scary! I don't co-sign that one. That one's scary.

He wasn't going for laughs. Scary. Yeah. I don't co-sign that one. Yeah. That one's scary. So while he's- He wasn't going for laughs. No, no. So what ended up happening was, they were sitting down and then this reporter says, Mr. Trump or President Trump, what kind of concessions are you looking for looking for from Canada?

And he goes, friendship. And she goes, that's not a concession. And then he goes, oh, well, you know, like I want them to be friends with us. And everyone kept going, that's not a concession. What do you want them to give up? Like, do you know what a concession is? No.

I don't think you know what a concession is. He doesn't. There's a great clip of him looking at the Declaration of Independence. Uh-huh. And then this reporter goes, what does that mean to you? He goes, you know, it means what it says. Because he can't read it. I don't think he can read. I also don't think he can read. It's like declaring, it's? He goes, you know what it means, what it says. Cause he can't read it. I don't think he can read.

He's like, it's like declaring, it's like a declaration, you know, of independence and unity and unity. What is more, what's less unifying than being like, we don't fuck with y'all no more. I don't think he knows what the declaration is. I don't think so either. And there's one more great clip of the Prime Minister of the UK hands him a letter. This is such a bitchy move and it's so kind

and it's so fierce. On camera he goes, and the queen, no, the king, wanted me to give this to you. And Trump's like, thank you. He does not open it. And then the guy was like, the Prime Minister, in some of the words, like, you should read it. And then Donald guy was like, the Prime Minister, in some of the words, was like, you should read it. And then Donald Trump was like, I will.

But you know what? And then he hands it back and he goes, you should read it for me. I might be misremembering a little bit, but he refused to read it. I don't think he can read. I also don't think he can read. On SNL, there's stories where at table reads,

he wouldn't be able to do the jokes because he didn't understand the jokes and would read it just straight through without hitting the joke. Because he learned it wrote. Yes. He doesn't use teleprompters. He famously will not use teleprompters.

That's why he's rambling and shit. Because he can't read. I will say this. Do I love him as president? No. But is he one of the funniest fucking people I've ever seen in my whole life? Yes. I don't think he is. Are you kidding? There's a clip of him. They... It was like a new indigenous tribe that is being recognized by the US. And I cannot remember the name of the tribe,

but they said, this tribe is being recognized now by the US and He goes mmm. I love that tribe and that's funny. You've never heard of them. I You you're laughing that no money. I I will say this there are times where I'm like I'm trying to think of something I've laughed at or I was thought I was like I'm laughing at this this person is not funny I am laughing at this. Oh, I'm laughing at this. This person is not funny. I am laughing at this thing. Oh, I'm laughing fully at him. But also, I don't think he has a good sense of humor. I will say the one thing I would give him, the one thing I would give him,

that he's really good at making up nicknames for people. Nicknames are funny. I will say, Crooked Hillary was a banger. Sleepy Joe was a banger. Sleepy Joe is so funny. And honestly, this is his most offensive. Pocahontas is great. Was his most offensive. Pocahontas is great. Was his biggest hit.

Pocahontas is very funny. Was his biggest hit. When you really get into it. Yeah. Also, I need him to get friendly with a gay person who is slightly liberal but has no qualms about like, you know, getting money from something. RuPaul.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I wanna be a guest judge again, so I have nothing to say about that. I love guest judging. I love the show. So I simply don't know what my guest is saying. Now, we need the contour to be blended. We need the orange to be blended.

Why aren't we blending? He wants to look like that. You think? That's why he makes it- Splotchy? So he gets his suit, his hair's intentionally bad. His suits are intentionally ill-fitting. You think?

No, they are. Those suits are expensive. They're custom made. To look like that? First of all, he's gigantic. He is a big boy. And his suits are still too big. Well, I think it's because he does the shoulder pads

to make his shoulders look big because I mean, he's got little shoulders. And he wears heels, so his pants go too far down, so you can't see the heels. He's always leaning forward like this. He's insane. He's funny. If he was written into a David Guest,

or a Christopher Guest film. You would say this character's gone Christopher Guest. If he was on a Christopher Guest. You would say this character doesn't exist in life. Yeah. I think that if I worked at Shondaland. Yeah. And 20 years ago, I pitched what's happening now for Scandal, she would say, you gotta make it believable.

I agree. Well, that's kinda like when you watch Black Mirror, you're like, this is just happening. Have you watched the new season? Yeah, the first episode is so sad. But how would you escape those ads? You would have to, I would drive to a friend's house

and use the cell tower over there. But you can't drive to it, how close does your friend live? Oh my God, that's so wild. Did you know she's part black? Rashida Jones, Quincy Jones' daughter? I didn't know she was, first of all, I didn't, I kept being like, Rashida's an interesting name for a white lady.

That's so, her sister's like Khadijah or something. I was like, Rashida for a, I remember thinking, Rashida for a white lady is crazy. That's so funny, no, she's part black. Yeah, yeah, I found out. You don't think she looks mixed? Now that I think about it, did you see sinners? I did, of course I saw sinners.

Does she look black? She's not black. She is an octaroon. Yeah, but that, yeah, sure, the one drop rule, but she's white passing. Octaroon is more than one drop. I would say octaroon is like a teaspoon. You think it's a teaspoon?

Well, it's one eighth, right? In a cup, yeah, her grandpa's half black. That's an octaroon. Sure, her dad, her grandpa's half black. That's an oxaroon. Sure, but that's, to me, white. No offense. I don't know how she identifies. I think after your blackface comments, you can't say no offense anymore. If it's really funny, Bob, if we're all going, ha ha ha ha, and it's like, more, give me more. Give me more

Give me more blackface You've never shouted that at a party I've never Now the Canadians know all about it Canadians love blackface This friendly really friendly blackface. Sorry, sorry, sorry about the blackface. Sorry about all the blackface. Oh gee whiz sorry Real quick. We have to take another break. Support for this podcast is brought to you by Chamberlain University.

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New customer offer for first three months only then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra see mint mobile for details Who do these are richest friend who's my richest friend Probably Trixie or you it is not me. It might be if it's me and Trixie. It's not me It's not me. It might be you. If it's me and Trixie, it's not me. Pfft. I do not make it that way.

Honestly, probably Trixie. Yeah, probably, probably. Who's your richest friend, Trixie? Madonna. Oh yeah, I forgot. You went on tour with fucking Madonna. I fully forgot that. I think Trixie's richer than Madonna.

No, that's what I really think. I will say, when I was hanging out with Madonna, she doesn't have to do a little bit of flunky things here and there, but there are moments where you're like, oh, we are living different lives. Different fucking lives. Like, whoa.

What's the richest thing she did that you can talk about? She would buy grills at rehearsal. Like teeth grills? Yeah. No, hibachis. Yeah, she would just really, she was really into hibachis. Maybe her backyard is filled with grills. She would like, a jeweler would come

and just like, give her these grills. Wild. I love that. What was it like touring with her? It was really fun. Most of the time it was fun. I mean, it was two years of my life. So there? Um, it was really fun. Most of the time it was fun. I mean, it was two years of my life. So there were moments where it was really exhausting.

There were moments where it was really fun. There were moments where it was really demanding. It was so many different experiences wrapped into one. How did you travel? Was it by bus or by plane? By bus. And occasionally by plane. Mm-hmm. Did she fly you private? No, we flew charter. What's that?

Charter is when the whole plane is just the people. That's cool. It is the worst way to fly. Oh, just kidding. Every seat's a middle seat. Oh, ugh. Yeah. That's upsetting.

But it's more fun, because everyone, you know. Because you know everyone on the plane. Everyone on the plane. The rules are much more lax. Flying private, there are no rules. Yeah, you don't have to go through... You don't have to go through customs, you don't have to go through TSA, nothing.

It's great. Yeah, but we flew to America, we didn't fly to China, we just got on regular. Regular ass planes? We were like nine different planes. You're Delta 360 currently? I'm not anymore. I lost my status too.

I was, I showed up at the motherfucking Delta 360 spot and they were like, take your broke black nigger ass upstairs. Go upstairs with the rest of them. I was like, this is, and I felt so. It's really upsetting. Ashamed. Yeah, they sent me a letter saying I lost it. And I was like, whoa, you spent money

to let me know this sad thing? I may have gotten let out, I just didn't see it. I found out when I opened my app and I used to brag about, being Dr. 360 is a game changer. It's so nice, a little Porsche brings you to your gate. And they're just nice. Or straight to the lounge. Yeah, straight to the lounge. There's a private TSA. Yes. a little Porsche brings you to your gate, and they're just nice... Or straight to the lounge.

Yes, straight to the lounge. There's a private TSA. Yes. You go straight from TSA to... But if you're Delta 1, you can do the private TSA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. But 360, you could do it regardless of what you were flying. But that's only if you're going...

Only Delta 1 flights are really to New York City. Yes. Sometimes to Boston. Never to anywhere in Philadelphia. Why would I ever go to Boston? Or Pennsylvania. Why would you ever go to Boston? Why would I ever go to Boston? I love Boston. Never to anywhere in Philadelphia. Why would I ever go to Boston? Or Pennsylvania. Why would you ever go to Boston? Why would I ever go to Boston? I love Boston. Can I say one of my favorite things to do now?

This is like one of my new joys in life. It's like one of my new favorite things. Telling Italians, and I mean like Italians with accents, telling them I hate Italy. It brings me so much joy and pleasure. Why? Do you actually hate Italy? I do. I really hate it. Why? Genuinely, I really hate it. Why?

Genuinely. Some black people do not like Italy. I'm some black people. I had a nice time in Italy. They kept calling me spicy. I did not have a nice time. Why? Well, they were racist.

Oh. They were really racist, but I think the reason why I love doing this to Italians because they're so used to everyone fawning over their fucking shitty little boot country. And everyone's like, oh my god, Italy I love it and I love to look at them and I go and I do it like I go you're from Italy and They go and they're like ciao or whatever. How would you say? Wee? I don't know what it is. No, that's French. See!

I think that's French too. And I go. No, that's Spanish. And I go, I hate Italy. And I don't say I don't like it, I say I hate it. I hate it. I hate Italy. I do that with France. And they always go, why? Because they're shocked. Mm-hmm.

And then I look at them, and I go, you know why. And they go, you're right. Wow! Yeah, I didn't have that experience. It go, you're right. Wow! Yeah, I didn't have that experience. It might have been because I was with Matteo, who loves Italy and is Italian and speaks Italian. So they were like, oh, you're with one of us. Oh no, I was not with one of them.

And I really love telling them that I hate that country. That's France. Everyone in, okay, so I got in the stinkiest cab in France and the windows were all up. And I was like, he don't smell himself? And then we were leaning out the window, and then later we were like, we're still stinky from the cab.

Is there some kind of body stink that you can take? No. What kind of body stink can you take? Like a little bit of armpit must. I like it. Oh, I don't like it, but if you're a little funky of armpit must. I like it. Oh, I don't like it, but like if you're like a little funky, that's okay. But this was like funk, funk, funk, funk, funk, funk. If I love you, morning breath doesn't bother me. Like at all.

I mean you should brush your teeth at some point, but I'm not like Jesus Christ. Were you like open mouth deep kissing someone right in the morning? I would. I would. Can I ask how your open relationship works? Are you like open mouth deep kissing someone right in the morning? I would I Would can I ask how your open relationship works? Are you like falling apart crumbling? Are you on dating sites or do you only like Hook up with people you meet in person and have you ever fucked in drag two questions. There's a there's it. There was four questions There's so we we sent out an application anyone know we are both on hookup sites and

sniffies I You will never In your dick-licking life Catch me on sniffies. Okay but I'm on like scruff and grinder and Jack, but I don't really use Jack that much anymore because it's like not a lot of people on Jack, but Scruff and Grindr and sometimes Jack. Sometimes Jack and sometimes Jack.

You remember the song from Health and Phonics? A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y and sometimes Y. And we- No, but we're losing the recipe to that kind of shit. Like do you remember? Schoolhouse rock how a bill becomes a law. I am a bill. Yes. I'm only a bill Kids have that now. I mean we my favorite banger was United States Canada, Mexico Panama Haiti Jamaica Peru

Republic Dominican Cuba Caribbean grilling a savador to Puerto Rico Columbia,, Honduras, Guyana, and still Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina, and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil, Costa Rica, Bolivia, Guadalupe, Bermuda, Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan, Paraguay, Uruguay, Suriname, Manfrisco, Guyana, Barbados, and Guam, and then you got the whole rest of the world. Do you remember the whole song? Norway and Slovenia, and Iceland, and Finland,

and Germany, and Naho, and peace. Norway and Slovenia, oh fuck, now I'm making my head. Norway and Slovenia, and Iceland, and Finland and Germany and Nahuen peace Norians within well fuck now make room ahead Norians leading Iceland and Finland Germany and Nahuen peace Italy Austria Czechoslovakia Italy Turkey and Greece Poland Romania Scotland Albania Ireland Russia Oman Bulgaria Saudi Arabia Hungary Cyprus Iraq and Iran there is Syria Lebanon Israel Jordan both the IMS Kuwait and Bahrain the Netherlands lesson was Belgium and Portugal friends again Denmark and Spain India Pakistan Burma Afghanistan Thailand Nepal and Britain Both the U.S. Kuwait and Bahrain, the Netherlands, Lesley, Belgium and Portugal, France, Singapore, Denmark and Spain, India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan, Thailand, Nepal and Britain, Cambodia, Malaysia, Bangladesh, Asia, China, Korea, Japan,

Mongolia, Laos, Tibetan, Indonesia, the Philippines, Anas, Taiwan, Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand, the Borneo and Vietnam, two, Nizia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola, Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana, Mozambique, Swazi, Gambia, Algeria and Ghana, Burundi, Lesotho and Malawi, Togo, the Spanish, Haris, Ghana, Niger, Nigeria, Chattanooga, Liberia, Egypt, Benin, Gabon, Tanzania, Somalia, Benquinha, Malaysia, Sierra Leone, Nigeria, the Haminabibi, Senegal, Libya, Cameron, Congo, Azzai, Ethiopia, Guinea,

Mideast, Madagascar, Katora, and Taiwan or something. And then, Kupomorotania, then Transylvania, Monaco, Lecestein, Fiji, Australia, Sudan. And then who taught you this? Yakko. Who's Yakko? Who's Yakko? Pennsylvania Monaco Lechestein Fijasra Zudin. And then who taught you this? Yako. Who's Yako? Who's Yako?

He lives at- Wait, does everyone know who Yako is? Yeah, he lives at Warner Brothers Studios. He lives at Warner Brothers Studios. Who's Yako? He lives at Warner Brothers Studios. That doesn't tell me who he is. His sister's name is Dot. Dot?

Yes. Oh, the Animaniacs? Yes, he lives in the water tower at Warner Brothers Studios. Who's Yakko? Yakko, Wacko, and Dot. You're Dot. I'm Dot? You're very Dot.

I haven't seen the Animaniacs in so long. You're Dot. You're Dot. I'm Dot? You're very Dot. I haven't seen the Animaniacs in so long. You're Dot. You're a little bit pinky. Like pinky in the brain? You're a little pinky. Isn't pinky the dumb one? No, pinky's the charming one. Oh, okay.

So, Sheer's a little the brain. I can see that, yes. But she's a little the brain, but she's a little the brain. I feel like Mateo is, who's the? The brain? No, Freakazoid. Freakazoid? You have an insanely good memory.

This is all from Animaniacs. Mateo's a little bit Freakazoid. Where can I watch Animaniacs now? Well, they'll be commercials. So at your friend's house. But which stream? What streamers? What streamers? I don't know, I haven't watched any of your next in years. But you remember the whole world song. My brain will trap, I'm gonna tell you right now. I'm gonna tell you something,

I have never done this on a podcast before, but this is one of my tricks. One of my party tricks, I have two party tricks. I missed one of your party tricks at the party. That was so good. One of them is a brag and one of them is a trick. Okay, the brag. My brag is that I'm a good person.

I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I'm my party tricks. I have two party tricks. Whoa, whoa. I missed one of your party tricks at the party. Ah, that was so good. One of them is a brag and one of them is a trick. Okay, the brag. My brag is that I have more Delta miles than anyone I've ever met. How many do you have? How many do you have?

How many do you have? I asked you first. I'm gonna beat you. Probably. There's no way you have more miles. I have never met anyone with more miles than me. Okay, you probably do. I have 2.3 million miles.

Yes, I have 1.5 million miles. Lifetime miles. And you thought you were about to eat me up, honey. I did not think I was gonna eat you up. You thought you were about to gather me. No, I did not think I was gonna gather you. You thought you were gonna take my little sin, y'all? No, no, no.

My little chili martell. I said you probably do. You were posturing in your chair. I was not posturing in my chair. A farmer never postures. Okay? Postures, but not posture. And my other party trick is that

there are certain musicals and albums where you can play this song. I don't care what song you pick, what part of the song you stop at, I will know the next lyrics. What, okay, what musical? Little Shop of Horrors. You're a Good Man Charlie Brown.

Okay. Once on this Island. Uh-huh. Jesus Christ Superstar. Uh-huh. And Les Mis. I don't know, I don't know lyrics to anything, so I simply couldn't do that.

I don't know the lyrics to anything top to bottom. Was there a theme song to Nailed It? No. Just wanted to know if you could sing it. Did the gang have a theme song? The gang. The crew. Yes.

Can you sing it? No. You were on the show! I know, but I don't know songs. Do you know the theme song to this show we're on right now? Yeah. Why won't you date me? Why won't now? Yeah. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Mars was like, do you wanna record that again? I was like, no, I think we got it. It's a banger. It's a banger. So you know some lyrics.

Just that. Do you write a lot of songs? No, I don't write songs. You wrote that song. No, I didn't. Who wrote that song. No, I didn't. Who wrote the song? Nobody, I just started singing. That's writing, Nicole.

Hmm. Have you written a song? You've written many a songs. Yeah, there are two songs in my book, Harriet Tubman Live in Concert. If you get the audio book, there are two songs at the end, one's called Now I See, and one's called Queen of the Underground. So, Harriet Tubman Live in Concert,

I have not read it yet, but it is in my house. It's about Harriet Tubman. She ends up in The Present. Any of my vape. Excuse me. You better give me my vape. Tell me about the book. It's Harriet Tubman, she comes to this time.

Harriet Tubman comes back to life and she decides to continue her work as an abolitionist through writing a hip hop album. And she contacts. Just very funny. It is. And she contacts Darnell, who is a semi-retired hip hop producer, and he's gonna help her write her opus magnum, help her write her hip hop album Queen of the Underground. I love it. Where'd you get that idea? I was doing Angels in America at the Berkeley Repertory Theater in San Francisco,

in the Bay Area in Berkeley, California. And I just fell in love with, I always loved Harriet Tubman. And one day I had a thought said, I would listen to Harriet Tubman's album. And it all really stemmed from that one thought, I would listen to Harriet Tubman's album. I love that that small idea became a big work of art. Yeah, so I'm really proud of it. A big work of art, what's wrong with me? No, you hate. A big work of art. Yeah, so I'm really proud of it. A big work of art?

What's wrong with me? No, you ain't. A big work of art. No, it was very Trump. It's big, this book is big, it's huge. No one's ever written a book this big. It's the biggest book in the world. You know what Trumpism I say all the time?

They didn't send their best. It's one of my favorite things to say. You know what I used to always say but I had to stop saying it because apparently it's quite problematic? What? Do not come. I say it all the time. Do not's quite problematic. What? Do not cum. I say it all the time!

Do not cum. Do not cum. Do not cum. Like a friend would be like, how's the party? How's the party? Do not cum. Do not cum. Is it cute?

If the bar should be cum? Do not cum. For a long time I couldn't stop saying, I have a Glock. I was obsessed with saying, I have a Glock. Do you? No, I've never held a gun in my life. Oh, I've held guns. You strike me as a type.

Boo boo boo. It's the Jersey. It's the Jersey in me. Are you okay? It's the middle town. Do you want water? I have water. Thank you, Taylor.

Give it up for Taylor, everyone. That's such a, give it up. Taylor. I don't know what happened. You, something got caught in your throat. Which, I don't think that there should be a wrong pipe. I don't, I also don't think there should be a wrong pipe. I think our bodies should function normally.

Yeah. And like, my brain should be like, well, this is the right pipe. And why is pipe so close to other pipe? Do you believe in God? What? Do you believe in God? You know, sometimes.

I believe in God or the universe, or there's something higher than me. Are you a Christian? No. Were you raised Christian? Yes. What denomination? Baptist.

Oh my God, gang gang. Also raised Baptist. I my God, gang gang. Also raised Baptist. I'm also not a Christian. And I think that for me, the reason why I know there's not a God is because there are skinny people with fat asses and fat people with fat asses. And I don't think any just God would do that.

If I'm gonna be fat, I'm gonna get a fat ass. I mean, I do think you're right. That's like when I see ugly people, it's like, well, why did God do that? Right? But you've always had a fat ass. Yes. You're dragging a wagon.

I love my little wagon. How do you feel about the term dragging a wagon? I don't mind it, because it reminds me of farming. My true love. Which you've never done. Which you've never done. Call me O. McDonnell, because she has a farm. E-I-E-I-O. I farm.

Wait. Can the farming community sound awful though? Yeah, please, please congratulate me. Do you accept Nicole as a farmer? Do you accept me as your Lord and Savior, farmer Christ, what? The other day I said you could be a name, but I switched it. You could be a Michelle.

Well, my middle name is Michelle. You said I was a Yolanda, which I thought was insulting. No, I said you could be a Yolanda. Yeah, but Yolanda killed Selena, so I don't really like the name Yolanda, but I do like Yolanda Adams. It's just unfortunate. But Yolanda. Yeah, but Yolanda killed Selena. So I don't really like the name Yolanda, but I do like Yolanda Adams.

It's just unfortunate. But Yolanda also said, take the shackles off my feet. That's Mary Mary. Yes, that is Mary Mary. Take them shackles off my feet so I can dance. Woo! I just wanna praise him.

Woo! I just wanna praise him. Woo! Did you ever listen to the white Christian songs? Some of them were bangers. No. My favorite one was- Wait, you grew up in the church. Was? Some of them were bangers. No. My favorite one was- Wait, you grew up in the church.

Was your mom, your mom was in the church? You kinda. And she ran a drag club. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, my mom used to run a drag club called Sensations in Columbus, Georgia. Is that where you started doing drag?

I was a child, no. I never, I was never, everyone could be like, the club was, I was like, I was never in the club. It was a bar, so I was never in there because it was a nightclub, it wasn't just a bar. So I was like. Well, I don't know if she continued the club into your adulthood.

No, no, no, she quit the club when I went to middle school, because we moved to Atlanta from Columbus. I see. And she left the club behind. And what was your first drag name? Kitten with a Whip. Why? Well, it's an old Ann Margaret movie

called Kitten with a Whip, and it's a term for like a mousy little woman who's actually quite spicy. Oh, you think you're mousy? I was trying to give that. I used to be much more meek than I am now. Really? If you can believe it.

I simply can. If you can believe it. When I was 22 and I was like 180 pounds, which is kind of crazy, and I was like, I was, this goes down crazy, but I also used to be a people pleaser. Really? I know.

That I simply don't believe. The people who knew me back then would be like, yeah, he used to be a people pleaser, which is kind of crazy. I've never seen you please a person. I was just talking to Naomi Smalls on the phone, and she said that she learned the power of no from me. And I was telling Naomi, I love saying no to things.

I love saying no to things. I say no to things I wanna do. Why? Because I love saying no that much. That's so funny, but then will you eventually do it, or you're just like, no? I derive the new joy from saying no to the thing. I love saying no to stuff.

Well, thank you for doing this podcast. An absolute pleasure. Now invite me back. No. No kidding. This is my second time on. Yes, I think the first time was with Monet. I think it was by myself. Was it by yourself?

I think it was by myself. Maybe I just did you guys back to back or something. No, you did Best Friends with Monet. Yeah, Best Friends with Monet, yeah. Yes. Wow. Just getting all my podcast confused. I saw you do drag in New York a long time ago at Barracuda. Did you have a regular show at Barracuda? Every Monday night.

I fucking missed Barracuda and it closed. Yeah, recently. Which I think is devastating. There was structural damage to the building. I mean, I'm sure there was. Yeah. It was the nastiest place I've ever been. Oh, 20 years ago there was structural damage. I'm just giving information about the building at this point.

It was disgusting. When you were on Girl Code, you used to come to the bar. Pop on in. And you used to talk to Aaron. You probably don't remember Aaron, but Aaron used to always talk to you. He was the bartender at the time, the manager. You and Aaron would chit chat a lot. Now, what y'all don't know is that Nicole used to sit,

so there's like, so bear with me like this, you walk in, as soon as you walk in to your left, there's the bar. That's where Nicole's sitting. First seat, where you walk in, you go past that, there's the bathrooms. There's a DJ booth, there's a pool table, and then about maybe another 150 feet.

A stage. There's a stage. Nicole always stayed at the bar. Nicole was never back in the back. Nicole was always. I would wait, well the queens would come, they would come, you know, to the bar. You could barely see the show.

Well, I'm gonna fight over people to see it. No, I'll wait for a queen to march on down to me. Well, I think I posted that old picture of me and you from years ago. It's a great picture. We both look insane. It is a really good picture, yeah. I still have the shirt that I'm from years ago. It's a great picture. We both look insane. It is a really good picture, yeah. I still have the shirt that I'm wearing in it.

It's cats with a microphone. I don't have that cat suit anymore. That silver cat suit, it was like a silver, no, you had silver eyeshadow on. I don't remember the cat suit color. It was a blue sparkly cat suit, but I made myself a blue sparkly one sleeve cat suit. I love it.

I was trying to give Beyonce in that one video of her where she's wearing this blue sparkly jumpsuit, I don't know if anyone remembers this. It was like years ago. I don't remember, I simply don't. But we do have to wrap up because you have to leave. Am I bothering you? No, you just have a heart out, you have to leave.

And I don't even know what time it is. A farmer would always know what time it was. A farmer could lick a finger It's too tense Okay, I know exactly what time it is you have to leave in five minutes Do you have any advice for single people we didn't really talk about? Relationships or anything, but you know we'll wrap it up by doing that Single people um I will say this sometimes

when you're single, you feel like no one wants you. Yeah. But the truth is, someone does want you. You gotta find the person that wants you, and then you gotta want them. Mm. Now, I'm going to keep it a buck with you. There are a few things that will make

your dating pool much smaller. Yeah. Standards. Standards. Your options will be smaller. If you, for example, if you have, if you're honorary, your options will be less. If you are overweight, your options will be less. If you are not conventionally attractive, your options will be less. If you are not conventionally attractive, your options will be less.

If you are differently abled, your options will be less. If you are not white, your options will be less. That does not mean you don't have options. What I do know is that once you get down to those people, you are, this is, the people who are left, this is concentrated, this is powerful. You've trimmed off everything left, all you're left with is, the people who are left, it is, this is concentrated. This is powerful. You've trimmed off everything left. All you're left with is just sweet, sweet sugar.

You know what I mean? And the people who are left, and when y'all connect, it's gonna be a banger. Whenever you see two ugly people in love, it is like. It's one of my favorites. And their love is so. You found each other. And their love is so real.

Those relationships, when ugly people love each other, y'all ugly motherfuckers love each other. You ugly, toothless... motherfuckers. But you see these two pretty people loving each other, and that love can't... How's it gonna sustain? Yeah, what are y'all talking about? There's a couple I saw on Instagram, they're both very ugly and they dress up like Shrek

and Fiona and I love them. I love them so much. I'm like, you guys have such a nice time. Then I saw this other ugly couple in a Walmart and they were doing a video and he was like, where are my Legos? Where are my Legos? And she's like, he loves a Lego.

And I was like, we all love each other. I'm medium ugly, medium handsome. I always say I'm mom handsome. Moms think I'm, I could have fucked all of your moms. Moms. Not mine, she dead. Same. Dead Moms Club coming out on Mother's Day.

When is that? May 16th. Oh, well a few days ago, my comedy special, Dead Moms Club, came out on my YouTube, if your mom is dead, like our moms. Dead moms! Then you can go check it out right now.

It is for people with dead moms, for us, by us. For- Fubu! Fubu, I'm the Fubu of dead moms. The Fubu of dead mummies. But moms think I'm really handsome. I think you're very handsome. Can I see your glasses? You're primed for motherhood.

No, I don't want children, yuck. You don't have bad eyesight. Do we like these on me? Let me see. Oh, I thought they'd be too big for you because you have a small head, but they actually look good. I have a small head? I have a giant head. Well, I don't think it's that big.

I really like these. They look good on you. Also, your eyesight's not bad. No, I don't have terrible vision. You have great vision, actually. Yeah, let's not get crazy. No, I don't have terrible vision. You have great vision, actually. Yeah, let's not get crazy. No, I feel like you're very close to 2020 because that's not blurry and I have my contacts in.

No, I'm not close to 20. Who else wants to try on glasses? Okay, we'll go! Oh, okay. The Canadian's telling us to get the fuck out of here. The Canadian has the name! The foreigner! Mars!

Is telling us to leave our country. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't know. That was really, that was heated. That was so heated. Okay, we're done.

Do you have anything you want to promote? Dead Moms Club. You can go to, you can go to, wait, what's it called? Dead Moms Club. Oh, okay, Dead Moms Club. You can go to my YouTube page and watch the Dead Moms Club. If you want the uncensored version, it's only on my Patreon because me, Sydney, and I are going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club.

And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. And then we're going to be doing a live stream of Dead Moms Club. You can go to, you can go to. Wait, what's it called? Dead Moms Club. Oh, okay, Dead Moms Club. You can go to my YouTube page and watch the Dead Moms Club. If you want the uncensored version, it's only on my Patreon, because me, Sydney, and Christy were cussing like a motherfucker.

So if you wanna get the uncensored version, please head over to my Patreon. Also, you can go to readthedragqueen.com to get my book. And y'all, the audiobook is only four hours and 30 minutes. Four hours? Yeah, Mary. I don't know, I've never listened to an audio book. That's a short book.

I don't know. Yeah. You know this audio book? You listen to podcasts? No. No, every podcast host I know doesn't listen to podcasts. No, I can't. I can't really listen to disembodied voices.

Give NPR a chance. You might like it. No. You know this stuff? That's tough for me. Like just people talking, it'll put me right to fucking sleep. I love NPR. You might like it. No. You know this stuff? That's tough for me. Like just people talking, it'll put me right to fucking sleep. I love NPR. You have to leave.

Okay, so if you, we're done. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. If you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read it. This person writes if we were ever to get together I would suck on those titties until you screamed for me to keep going then I'd stop oh oh

that's nice well you begged me to keep going I'd like you to down what oh I'd lick you down to your clit and suck on it until you scream this time with an earth-shaking orgasm but you spelt it organism then I'd lick you down to your clit and suck on it until you scream this time with an earth-shaking Orgasm, but you spelt it organism Then I'd flip you around and peg you till you and peg oh peg you till you tap out This is a person with a vagina. I don't know they it doesn't it just says this person right? It sounds like they didn't sign off as anything Then I'd flip you around Peggy till you tap out, then we would high five and go for ramen.

That's the lesbian. That's nice though. I've eaten so much ramen lately. I do want to say, from your nipples to your clit is not a long journey. No, I'm like what, five five? You have a pretty short torso. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's not, they were like all the way to your clit. It's about two hands. Yeah. All the way, you're doing too much. Yeah, you could just say, I would lick you from your your titty to your clit. Wait, what is that song? I wanna lick you from your head to your toes And I wanna move from the bed down to the floor

And I wanna ah ah You make it so good I don't wanna leave But I gotta know what's your fantasy We could do it in the Georgia Dawnome, on the 50-yard line, while the dirt birds kick the tree, and even like in the club. We could do it in the VJ booth, on the back of the VIP.

What were you trying to... All right, goodbye everyone. Bye. Ask if I would date you. Oh, fuck. I always forget this, as if I haven't done this fucking podcast my whole life. Would you date me?

I would date you, yeah. I told you this last time. I still can get happy. That's valid. Do you know what happened to me yesterday? I hit my head, and I think I got a concussion. But then I went to sleep and I woke up fine. Isn't, I didn't know concussions went away that quickly.

They don't. They don't. Concussions can last for months, if not years. If you are concussed, you should go to the doctor. If you're listening, if you're concussed, please visit a medical professional. Do not take medical advice from Nicole Byer. She...

The internet said, if the symptoms don't come back, you're okay. You're probably not concussed. Oh, okay. Yeah, you probably just got knocked up. But... I got knocked up. You just, not... I got knocked up. You just got banged up. But I was a little dizzy and woozy.

But then I went to sleep and I woke up okay. Concussions can go away, but concussions can last for years. I think this one was a one-day one. Yeah, a little day flu. We're not even recording, there's no pocket phone on. She's concussed, y'all. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya.

It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at HeadGum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kometay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a HeadGum podcast.

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