Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - BONUS: Bad Birthday Hookup (LIVE w/ Dulcé Sloan)

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

"If he had chest hair, I would've had rug burn. That's all I'm saying."Dulcé Sloan (The Daily Show with Trevor Noah) discuss their mutual hate for Coffee Meets Bagel, share some of their worst hookup stories, discuss which vibrators they use as massagers, and why Dulcé's superstitious about masturbating. Nicole begs everybody to cum everyday. They also answer questions from the audience in a very special podcast Q&A!This episode was recorded live at JFL NorthWest in Vancouver, Canada.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to a live episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, is trying to figure out why she's still single, even though if you come in a jar and ask me to keep it on my bed stand, I would. No questions asked.

I know you. I've done too many episodes and these are getting harder and harder to come up with. Maybe you should just have a moment where you're just like, let me just like bank these. Oh, I just like pre-write them? Yeah, like the podcast where I've decided that those little balls you put in your pussy, I'll buy those in a 10-pack. Ah.

See, but that would mean I did extra work. This bitch is lazy. Okay. Let me introduce. So, okay. I'm here in Vancouver. Is this one of the...

Are we in the French part of Canada or the Christian kind? No, Montreal is where they're like, je m'appelle, we think we're in Paris. Everyone is like pretty rude. Je m'appelle, fuck you. But it's not as awful as Winnipeg because fuck that place.

Fuck that place. I've never been to Winnipeg but like I love Edmonton. You're the only people. This side, you're the only people. I've never been. Because every time I say I love Edmonton, people are like, da fuck? But I had a blast.

There was great thrift stores. Wait, okay, so if you're listening fucking at home, I need to introduce my guest. Hi, guys. Eves, don't say hi. I need to introduce my guest. Hi, guys. Eves, don't say hi. I need to introduce you. I'm so sorry. Don't say hello yet. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Okay, if you're listening at home, I got to introduce my guest. You know her from The Daily Show. She will have a Comedy Central half hour coming out sometime this year, maybe next year. Who knows? Networks are real sneaky, and they don't want to tell you things. Come back.

You were introducing me. It's just so hard when a network doesn't want to let you know anything. They don't know. They don't know. They don't know. I'm waiting on a Nailed It renewal, so that's where that's coming from. I'm also waiting for a Comedy Central show to come out that we recorded last year that they said was going to come out this year.

That might come out next year. So there's a lot of jokes that black comics are holding on to right now. So, okay. In person, you might be like, Nicole's sitting next to Nicole. But it's not the voice you're listening to. You know her from The Daily Show. It's Dulce Sloan. Ba-ba-da-ba.

Do-do. Okay, and just so y'all know, it's going to be hard to not know that you're not Sid Mech's Nicole because these are Nicole's clothes. So they are this. What is it? A little cardigan.

Yes. Yes, that was mine. The pants were mine. Yes, and the shirt's by Old Navy. Yes, yes, yes. La Old Navy. La Old Navy. I was like, I have to do Nicole's podcast in Nicole's clothes.

Because I had a guy at the improv argue with me for 10 minutes that I was you. Uh-huh. And I was like, one, we look completely different. And your titties are twice the size of all of everything. And I was like, different titties, different face, different shoulders, different neck, different body, different butt. Everything is different. We were literally getting our nails done at the same nail shop in LA, and she turns to me and goes,

we look nothing alike. True. That's a very good impression of me. You are the only person I can do. You and my friend Danielle, who starts every sentence with, girl, I mean, I can do that. It's weird because I don't realize that I speak weird.

I had somebody ask me, does she do that on purpose or is it a thing? And what's so weird is I've been a theater kid for so long that you don't sound crazy to me. Thank you. Because people are like, I was like, what do you mean? And they're just like, she does all those voices. I was like, go on. Because I was literally, like, I was like, what do you mean? And they're just like, she does all those voices. I was like, go on. Because I was literally, like, and I did this thing.

I was doing, like, what's, like, The View for Canada. And I was talking about, like. The View for Canada? What's the show called? It's, like, The Talk, right. Don't we have a talk in the U.S., too? Yeah, we do. So it was a bunch of, like, it was, I think it was more, like, the real.

Because it was, like, an Asian lady and a bunch of like, I think it was more like the real because it was like an Asian lady and a black lady. Ah, United Nations of everybody. Right. Telling you about dating. And so I'm talking about it because they were saying like, oh, their person wants to go on a date

with this guy at his house. And I was like, no, that's how you die. And I was just going, I was like, because she has a job, so she's accustomed to a certain lifestyle. And my friend thinks it's hilarious but I didn't know I said that uh-huh I was just talking yeah so since I speak that way and so you do the same thing I'm like yeah it's just Nicole my roommate will just out of the blue

just be like truly and I was like oh I didn't know I said truly. He was like, you say truly so much, you say wild so much. Oh, you say wild so much, I say wild a million times after I've hung out with you. Here's the thing. Life is wild. I mean. So.

What we're talking about is facts and truths. Yes, yes, yes. We are really giving a certain movement, a certain lifestyle. Yes, yes, yes. A certain reality. Yes, yes, yes. A certain reality. Yes, yes, yes. Preach.

Yes. Okay. This is really one of the reasons I miss living in L.A. because you could just go on a run. Girl, this is just a certain, like, just a lifestyle, just the way that we live. Did you say you would go on a run? You're lying.

No, no. You don't go on runs. When I mean go on a run, I mean of words. Oh, okay. When you're comfortable in your home sitting and talking. Yes. When you're like just a movement, just a campaign, just a way of doing things. That is a run.

Okay, I get that. Of words. Of being still. Let me ask you a question. Let's get into it. Okay, so are you, I know you're single. Yes, we talk about this all the time. Yes, and.

Did people ask? Did you just groan you're single. Yes. We talk about this all the time. Yes. And did people awe? Did you just groan? That's literally why you're here. The podcast is literally called Why Won't You Date Me? You bought the fucking tickets. What you think was happening? Okay. So, Dulce.

Talk about it. It's not a sad thing. I'll tell you something. You never have to awe at a comedy show. No. Because nobody's leaving their home to speak to people for maybe the first time to hear a awe. No, bitch. I have all of the confidence, you know? And I was by myself at my house.

At my house being like this is funny and then sometimes the crowd's like it's not anyway and I knew I was single before you did so okay so we'll say you are currently single yep and you are dating yeah you are what apps are you on tell me about the app okay i just got off of a because um right now i'm only on three of them but up until a month ago i love it i love 2019 i'm only on three apps oh up until a month ago i was on um match.com paid them money. eHarmony, pay them money. Then Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, which you told me about. I like Hinge. And J-Swipe.

I love it. I love it specifically because it's like, you're not out here catfishing. They know you're not Jewish. And I put willing to convert on there, but there are black Jews. Willing to convert. Are you actually willing to convert? Because it takes a long time Jews. Willing to convert. Are you actually

willing to convert? Because it takes a long time. My mom's a Messianic Jew. Oh, what? There are Jews that believe that Jesus is the Messiah. Like, all the disciples were Messianic Jews.

Oh, I was like, are they just messy Jews? You couldn't have thought that. No, you said messy, you said messy Jewish. Messianic Jew. Well, I heard the first half of it.

This is not... I thought maybe it was a messy Jewish person. You wentic Jew. Well, I heard the first half of it. I thought maybe it was a messy Jewish person. You went to college. Who was like, yarmulkes are everywhere. Nope, nope, nope. I'm gonna let this go. There's so many yarmulkes everywhere. I gotta clean up my yarmulkes. Oh no, there's dreidels everywhere. Oh no.

Oh, we have ten menorahs. Oh no. Too many lakas. And that's it. That's all I know about Jewish. So everything you learned at Hanukkah. Mm-hmm. I also did not go to college. So you're wrong.

Ah, that makes so much sense. I went to an acting school. Thank you, one person. See, I went to college for acting. I have a third degree in acting. See, I went to college for acting I have a third degree in acting see I went to a conservatory so I literally have a certificate that's like she can do it and

nobody has asked to see it I can't believe that people what's so funny to me is like I'm just going and I know there's literally people going this me is like, I'm just going... And I know there's literally people going, this bitch is nuts. And I'm just like, go on. I mean, I don't think I'm nuts. You're one of my favorite people.

Oh my God. I love hanging out with you. Thank you. And it's also like, first of all, to just have another fat friend. I know. Just to have another fat friend. But just to have another fat but another fat friend who all isn't always going we're okay i just don't have the time you know and i'm like bitch i know i'm pretty like that's the most annoying thing but like that's the most annoying thing about being in a body that it's certain like certain

communities have deemed undesirable because I walk around with this face and I've been told my entire life that I'm pretty oh yeah because I know I am so like my nickname I had like a million nicknames growing up but one of them was like baby doll china doll oh, because like, let's just say in the 90s. Can I just tell you, when I went to college, I didn't go to real college. I went to a conservatory for two years where we literally just like danced and sang. And did like zip zaps off.

Yeah, zip zaps off. And there was a bunch of gay guys being like, I'm going to make it. And they didn't. Is it because they couldn't play straight or they just couldn't make it? No, let's get real. You have like, what, like a thousand kids each year being like, I'll be on Broadway.

You won't. No. But I have friends who are on Broadway because look where we are. Yes. But my nickname when I was in school was Baby Doll, specifically because I wore fake eyelashes, blue contacts, and a glue and weave that was constantly coming out. All I heard was, had no black friends growing up. I did.

I went to church in a black community. And they let you live like this? No, they were not nice to me. I didn't get black friends until I was an adult. Honestly, I didn't get a lot of black friends until college. But that's because I grew up in a predominantly Latino neighborhood in Atlanta. So I had black friends at school, but everyone I knew was Latino. The first guy I ever dated was from El Salvador.

Oh, and that's south. That is south of here. We're in Vancouver. And El Salvador is south of Central America. It's Central America. Sure. Yes.

It's right in the middle of America. Do you? It's in Central America. Sure. Yes, it's right in the middle of America. Do you? It's in Central America. Right next to Oklahoma. Funny enough, Oklahoma's where my brother's born. We used to live there. Oh, really? My father's trash side is from that side.

Well, fair, fair, fair. Wait, we really got off track. I am the king of a tangent. You're queen. Oh, no, I meant that. Or am the king of a tangent. You're queen. Oh, no, I meant that. Or king. I don't know how big your dick is. It doesn't have to be gendered. No, I will take you on a tangent. There's plenty of times I've been in generals and been like,

I don't want to talk about how I got to stand up. A general is where they send actors to talk to executives where they go, so, where are you from? What made you want to get into this? Why do you do comedy? And it's like, uh, because my home life was bad. Anywho.

But my home life was good. Mine was fine, but my parents did die. They're dead. Yeah. Well, I haven't seen my father since 1986. Did you see how everyone really tightened up? Yeah. You know people die, right?

People die. And guess what? You're all going to die alone. You didn't need to do that. Yes, I did. Well, I don't know. It's just something I've dealt with since I was like 16 and then 21. Like, my parents, they're dead people.

The first joke I ever wrote was, after college, people seem to keep moving in with their parents, but I can't do that because graveyards have closing times. That's funny as shit. But people hated it. Well, I think it's... Because then I followed it up with a tight four more minutes of dead parent jokes. And by tight, I mean loose as fuck.

Because I don't think people want... Like, I can't fathom my mother dying. My brain won't let me do it. Yeah, don't. It's bad. Yeah, but all my grandparents have passed. Sure. So my mother's mother passed when I was 17, and then my mother's father passed when I was 9. Oh.

And my mother said also, my grandpa died at 80. He was still 6 feet tall. So my mother's father passed when I was nine. Oh. And my mother said also, my grandpa died at 80. He was still six feet tall. So my mother said. What do you mean still? No, because most people shrink. Most people shrink. Because my grandma was tiny when she passed. But most old people shrink.

So he's 80 and he's six feet tall. My mother said it's the biggest fucking coffin she's ever seen. Because if you're six feet tall, your coffin's almost's the biggest fucking coffin she's ever seen. Because if you're six feet tall, your coffin's almost seven feet. That's a big coffin. My grandpa or my mom's dad, he was super tall. His name

was High Pockets. What happened? His nickname was High Pockets because he was so tall. That sounds like some 1930s bullshit. He was a fucking pimp. Yeah, of course he was. Okay, and like nobody will co-sign it in my family. Everyone's like, no he wasn't.

But I was like, he was because anytime he went to go see him, it was on a corner. What? You never saw your grandpa in a building? Sure didn't. Sure didn't. He was always on a corner. We would drive the minivan through the streets of Chicago. My mother would be like, there he is. There he is. And then we would drive the minivan through the streets of Chicago my mother would be like there he's there he is and then we would like talk to him ladies would

scatter like he was a fucking pam he was the first time I fucking met him I was playing in my grandmother's front yard and he like walked up because he had like long legs he was like walking out he had some swagger he scooped me up and he was like, hey, how are you? And I was like, I can't talk to strangers. And he was like, stranger, I'm your grandpa. And I was like, what? It floored me. But that's my grandpa. My grandpa had a dry cleaners.

He had a dry cleaners. Was it a front? No, it was just a dry cleaners. So you're single. Yeah. Because I was like, we're going to lose this. It's falling. I'm talking about a dry cleaner. So you're single. Yeah. Because I was like, we're going to lose this. It's falling. I'm talking about a dry cleaner.

That's not as interesting as a pimp. I'm good. I'm good at staying on track. Thank you so much. And by good, I mean bad. So you're single. We shouldn't be doing this. You're on all the apps.

Are you on Coffee Meets Bagel? I was and I hated it. I hated it too. Why do I? What is this point system? Thank you. Someone said beans. What the fuck are the beans?

The beans is like a stupid fucking point system. If you don't know, you have to do work to get the beans, to spend the beans, to like somebody. I thought I was fucking jacking the bean stock. It was so fucking, like I couldn't understand.

Yeah, I was like, what is this, Starbucks? Why are there so many beans? I didn't understand what was going on. And then it was like, I was on, um, I was on eHarmony,

but you don't have the page for people that like you. I'm not allowed on eHarmony. I think I've said it on the podcast before, but I was rejected. I'm part of the 2% of unmatchable people. What? What? Years and years and years ago, when online dating first became a thing i signed up for e-harmony i filled out that fucking questionnaire oh my god 17 days yes it is so long and it's like

do you like horses and i was like what you can get through the bible before you got through yeah you could get to revelations before you finish the eHarmony profile. The Koran and the Torah, the Talmud. The Revelations is last. Thank you so much. They didn't know. It took me so long. And then I got to the end of it.

I said, this is a treat. Send. And then they said, ooh, sorry, bitch. What? We can't help you out. You are part of the 2% of unmatchable people. And this is like years and years ago before like screenshots. Like I wish I could screenshot it.

What did you do on a computer? Yes, I did it on my Dell. You could have hit print screen. Well. Well. Well. screen. Well... Well... Um... Ah, well, but... Yeah.

I mean, if I could go back in time to 2008... Who's ever said the year like that? Me! Me! I don't catch myself doing it. I'm like, yeah, you know, in 2007... No. It's yeah, you know, in 2007. No. It's not how you... 2010, 2011. We're in 2019.

But now people are saying the aughts, and I was like, this is not... Not aughts? Yes. What does that mean? That refers to the double zeros. Like, they used to do it with the 1900s. Like an aught five and shit like that. I don't know what you're talking about.

So, like, when numbers were like 2001, that. I don't know what you're talking about. So like when numbers were like 2001, 2005, 2007. I know the years. Yeah, the oughts. So you're single. You have to understand

every Nicole conversation with Nicole is like me explaining something and her going uh-huh. Honestly, that's everyone's conversation with me.

I am a sponge and I'm constantly absorbing and then squeezing myself out and losing the information. I'm a sponge that just keeps, I grew up watching a lot of PBS. I watched PBS too. And I kept it. I didn't. Oh, I definitely did.

I watched a lot of Mr. Rogers. I hated Mr. Rogers. Well, I was just like, why are you taking your cardigan off? I'm sure your house is drafted. Thank you so much. See, and that's why I hated Mr. Rogers. Well, I was just like, why are you taking your cardigan off? I'm sure your house is drafted. Thank you so much! See, and that's why I hated him, motherfucker. Why are you changing your clothes in front of children? I don't like this. Girl!

Uh-uh! The nigga was weird! It wasn't like he was showing his chest to people. The nigga was weird! He talked too slow. He was weird. Thank you, man! I was like watching the documentary and I was like, why do you love children like that? Ah, fuck this. Whatever, guys! Who love children like that? Ah, fuck this. Whatever, guys.

Who likes children like that? People like their own children. I like children, but that's the motherfucker that loves kids wrong. I ain't like kids. He's the one that's like hanging out in like art stores but on the wrong side of the store. The wrong side what? By like the flowers?

Where the kid shit is. Oh, okay. Why you with Michaels over here about his kid shit? Go take your ass over there about easels and shit. Nah, man. He should be with her about some oil paints or something. Fuck that. That nigga's weird, yo.

I'm so sorry. I don't know the layout of Michaels. So you're single. Ah, yes. This is why I am. So you're single. Ah, yes. This is why I am. So you're single. You're on the app.

Well, I'm not on eHarmony anymore. No. Because there's that page where like, here's the people that like you. And there was never anybody on that page. Well, that's Hinge. Hinge is always like, no one likes you. And I'm like, this is an assault. No, Hinge keeps matching me with people who they're like, this person is the most compatible. And I was like, you don't know me at all.

Okay. I mean, it's like just. But you answer the questions. I answer the, you know, they do an algorithm. I don't know. Hinge is like matching me with like some real, like, I enjoy nerdy shit. Okay. But they're matching me.

What do you mean by nerdy shit? Because I really hate when women are like, I'm a nerd. I love TV. It's like, everyone loves the TV. Everyone loves the TV. But it's like, I really enjoy Star Trek. One of the goals of my life is to be a Klingon in a Star Trek movie. And not the new Klingons on the fucking Discovery.

Because fuck them. And not the other time. I haven't watched it. What's wrong with the new Klingons? They don't look like the next generation Deep Space Nine Klingons. I watched Next Generation.

My childhood crush was Captain Picard. I wanted to like put my pussy right on that bald ass head. Facts, facts. And I spin around and have him just go

girl get it, girl get it. You want to hear him go engage. I get it, I get it. I love it that's another thing she didn't catch right so like the dude

who played Data I said engage because Captain Picard would do that loose pointer finger say engage alright you didn't watch it

and then I did as a child I get it we would sit on the floor we'd gather around the television and we would watch it

and then when Deep Space Nine came out, my dad was like, look, it's a black captain! And then we were like, but it's bad. Deep Space Nine was great. No, it's not. It's not as good as Next Generation. You shut the fuck up! No, I'm kidding. Wait, wait, wait!

I just really like Next Generation. Listen, listen, listen. These are the stars. Starship Enterprise. Hold on, hold on. We can't start talking about Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, or we're never going to talk about boys. Great, so. These are the stars. Starship Enterprise. Hold on, hold on. Okay, we can't start talking about Next Generation, Deep Space Nine or we're never going to talk about boys. Great, so you're single.

Yes. Because I love Deep Space Nine so much. Okay, so you're a single woman. Yes, I am. So I got off of eHarmony because it was trash. And then Match.com was very interesting because when you would look at what guys like, the first thing I would do is I would see a guy

who was cute. I wouldn't look at anything else okay i would just go straight down to what he wanted and it was so rare that you would see black as the like because you would break wait you can just put up what you want like that yes you're like i'm racist yes so you can put down you could put down height you could put down body type you could could put down how much money the other person made, what religion they were. I mean, other people, like, religion's very important to people. Like, money's very important to people. Sure. Because those are the things that potentially break up marriages.

Okay. And then, like, the body type for stuff. So, I was, like, body type. What are the body types that they have on there? Well, my favorite was because there was curvy, and then there was full figured, and then there was, like, shit. Like, there was code words, and then there was full-figured, and then there was like shit. Like, there was code words for fat. And then...

OkCupid has used up, and that's what mine is. I was on OkCupid years ago. I'm not back on there. I met this guy who was a nightmare, so I got to fuck off OkCupid in like 2012. 2012, okay. So, I'm still on OkCupid. i've only fucked three people from there i fucked one guy i fucked one dude he lived in this weird apartment that i was a hundred percent sure was like a model apartment for like to like show people to be like you can live in this building

how do you know because this stuff was never in it? There was no stuff. There was a dry erase board. I know a lot of people with dry erase boards in their house. No. They're comics writing out their life plan. He was not a comedian. So I drew a dick on it and he erased it because I stay on brand. He erased it

and was like, we don't do that here. And I was like, here? Okay, isn't it your home? he erased it and was like, we don't do that here. And I was like, here? What? Okay, isn't it your home? No, no, no, no, no. So then he was like, let me fuck you on the floor. And I was like, I mean, you have a bed.

But I guess he didn't want to like break the bed. I don't know. Or sully the bed or get anything. Because it's a model apartment. Oh, wow. How'd he get the keys to this? I let him fuck me on the floor. Was it carpet or not? You better

believe there was bad carpeting. My knees were saying, bitch get on the bed! So then I fucked him and then You could have got a pillow. I could have but guess what? I did it. You were already down there. So then we like finish. He finishes so

quickly and then looks at me and goes, you good? And I was like, uh. I had a gut. Girl. Wait, I'm not done. Oh, my God. So then he goes to the bathroom for like 45 minutes. Whoa.

And then I'm just posing on the floor. Like waiting for him to come out to be like, come on. Look, my pussy. And then he comes out of the bathroom in basketball shorts. And he's like, all right, well, I guess I'll see you later like, comes out of the bathroom, like, basketball shorts, and he's like, all right, well, I guess I'll see you later. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I'll go. And then as I was leaving, as he was closing the door,

he goes, just because I work in fitness doesn't mean I don't like your body. And then the door closed. And to the closed door, I went, what? And I'm sure he heard me because it was loud and then I stopped down the hallway angrily got in my car

called Sashir and I was like guess what just happened and she was like your life is stupid and I was like it sure is and then the second guy I fucked from OkCupid was a white dude in Tim's. And I was like, already a red flag.

So you fucked a Tyler. That's a Tyler. A Tyler. Did he have a fade? He did have a fade. He's a fucking Tyler. He walked into my house and was like, yo, girl, what's up? That's a Tyler.

And I was like, not this. A Tyler is a male crystal. A male crystal? Well, like a little wigger. Yeah, so like a crystal is like that white chick that always fucks black dudes. She's got the idea of black dude haircut. She drives it in Paula.

She's got black lip liner. Yeah, so she drives it in Paula. All her kids are mixed. All her kids are mixed. If she says the N word, you're like, sustained. You earned it. You're not even the the N word, you're like, sustained. If you earned it. You earned it! You're not even the slightest bit like, oh, bitch, yes.

So he was a Tyler. Like, she smokes Black and Milds after she smokes a Newport. Like... But before the weed... I don't fucking know this bitch. She smokes a Black and Milds before the weed. Oh, you know this bitch. She smokes a black dude. Before the no-brain. I know her.

Yes, we all know her. So yeah, he was a Tyler. Won't stop wearing an ankle bracelet or listening to NSYNC. You know this bitch. He was a Tyler. He fucked me while wearing his Timbs. Like on some like, what was that? What's the porn with the black dude?

The bang bros and shit? I don't know. Whatever. There's a's the porn with the black dudes? The bang bros and shit? I don't know. Whatever. There's a bunch of porn with the black dudes with their Tims on. But he took off his pants and then slipped his feet back inside. And I was like, well, I mean, I guess that's what he wants. He took the shoes off to take off his pants. They're Tims.

You can't take your pants off while wearing fucking construction boots. Unless he was wearing Jankos. And in which case, I would have still fucked him. But, you know, that's a whole other thing. But Jankos are a van situation. Who the fuck's wearing Jankos and Tim's? I want to meet that guy. But he took off the Tibs, took off his pants, slid his little feet back in and dived right in.

And then afterwards, I was like, how do I make him leave? Oh, he came to your house? Yeah, of course. Oh, great. I didn't tell him he's got warrants out or something. Like, oh, I think the po-po are here. Well, no. I didn't want to be rude or whatever.

But then I got a text from our friend Chioke. And Chioke was like, what are you doing? And I was like, well, I just fucked this dude. And he was like, FaceTime me. And I was like, well, that'll get him to leave. Hell yeah.

So I FaceTimed Chioke and I was like, Chioke! And this guy was like, what are you doing? And I was like, talking to a friend. Here's my new friend.

And then he was like, I should go. And I was like, ah, it worked. So, hot tip, you want a dude to leave, FaceTime a friend i uh it's like who wants to be a millionaire phone a friend uh i did fuck two guys from um okay cupid one of them was this big just gorgeous dude who i'm not gonna talk about what happened the first time we ever hooked

up because let's just say i ended crying and then like in a good way or bad way but the first time we hooked up uh it was great because he had helped me move so it's like we hook on wait so you were like hey do you want to go out and he was like yeah and you were like help me move yeah what the fuck yeah that man was thirsty for pussy, and I'll tell you, that was your first mistake. If a man is going to help you move, he's too desperate. But I was also desperate for help. My couches were very heavy. Two of the saddest people in New York.

Oh, this was in Atlanta. So two of the saddest people in Atlanta. So the first time we hooked up, it was fine. And the second time we hooked up, not so fine. And then he was just a monster human being. The other guy I hooked up with, it was my birthday. Okay, happy birthday. Thank you so much. July 4th. July 4th is my birthday.

America. Thank you so much. And my brother, fun fact, was born on Thanksgiving. So my mother said God did it so she'd remember her birthday. Okay. So I go over his house. She has a bad memory. We can remember how old I am.

She can't remember how old my brother is or how old she is. But we're fine. So I go to see this dude. And, you know, like the kissing is great, you're grabbing like, Ooh, it's kind of good. It's kind of good. And then the sex started and I've never, like you remember the joke or they would have in the nineties or about people like, Oh, I wish the TV was on while we were making whoopee

or some bullshit like that. Yes. Or like you had like a magazine. I've never in my life thought that way. Until you fucked this dude. Until this guy. Because one, I found out mine and this dude was some kind of Latino. Okay. I don't remember Dominican.

It's one of them that tans can get locked up. And not like one of your whites like the Cubans, but like something brown. And so. Cubans are white? Have you seen a Cuban? I'm learning. So Cubans are white. Have you seen a Cuban? I did. I'm learning. I'm learning so much today.

I know. Okay. Cubans are white. So there's Spaniard descent and then there's black descent and then there's Chinese Cubans. I'll tell you later. So they have quince's. It's cool. So I'm laying in this bed and this is when I learned that his pelvis does not work.

That his pelvis? Does not work. That his pelvis? Does not work. He cannot thrust? No. That's when you sit on and spin around. I did not have the opportunity because he was already on top of me. Oh, okay. And he had already adjusted for the lack of thrust because he was taking the top of the

mattress and pulling himself up. So he planked me. This is when planking was popular. If he'd had chest hair, I'd have had rug burn. That's all I'm saying. Because for the thrusting motion, it was a pull and let it release. And a pull and release. And I'm laying there like, it's my birthday.

It's my birthday. And so... The next day he takes me... It's my birthday! Yeah. What a terrible present. I'm so sorry. I know. And then, because this was like the early hours of my birthday.

And then like... And so he, like the early hours of my birthday. And then like, and so he takes me to breakfast the next day. And, um, I get like, what a confident man that he slept over after that. I was at his house that you didn't leave. You are a sad woman.

Listen, I'm kidding. She's my fucking friend. Um, I was trying to figure out why I didn't leave. And then I was just like, but I'm legitimately sleeping. Because I came over here at 2 in the fucking morning. I also think it's just embedded into women to be like, we're polite.

Also, it was 2 in the morning. And then by the time we were done, it was like by the time I got to his house. And by the time we were done, it was, I don't know, 345. And then he was like, I'll buy you breakfast in the morning. I stayed for breakfast. Fair. I would stay for breakfast. Because if you fuck me terribly, I'm going to get breakfast. Where did he take you?

He took me to like this really, it was actually a nice, like, you know, those like restaurants that are in like a house. They have them a lot all over the south where it's like did he take you to his mother's house no no no no it's like and she was like yeah y'all can sit whatever you want i'll get you in a second no there's no menus you want i'll figure it out it was one of those little cute brunch places that looks like a fucking house you're an asshole but also hilarious so I have this breakfast

I get a country fried steak that's burnt and how you burn something that's deep fried was beyond me and then with white gravy that was fine and grits that were lumpy and I was like I gotta get the fuck out of here and then while we're walking outside he has the audits that were lumpy and I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. And then while we were walking

outside, he has the audacity to look at me and go like, so, like, was it good? And I was like, I was like, breakfast was good. Yes! Get him! And then I got in the car and then when I got on the show, no, when I did Conan, so this was like

fucking six years later, he messaged me, he's like, do you remember me? And I did Conan, so this was like fucking six years later. He messaged me. He's like, do you remember me? And I was like, yeah. And I wanted to go, I've been telling a joke about you since the night we fucking met. And he was like, yeah, you're so great. I'm so proud of you.

And I was like, thank you, block. Like, I'm not dealing with this. Men are so confident. They're confident. Imagine fucking someone poorly and then reaching out years later to be like, yo, what's up?

And I told you it was bad. I told you it was bad the next day. I mean. And so, yeah, so like, match just seeing how many guys weren't looking for black women. And then the ones that were just like, it was either they weren't looking for like black women and then the ones that were just like it was either they weren't looking for black like literally every other race was picked

but black or it was just like they don't have a preference but like asian chicks you bitches better be out here getting all the men um well they're the top of the pyramid asian women are the top of the pyramid asian men and black women are at the bottom. Right. It's Asian women and white men who are at the top. So these Asians, listen, I did a bit one day about how I was telling a room full of white people that these Asian women don't really want you. We're just trying to breed y'all out. We sent the Asian women first.

The Latinas is coming next. So, bitch bitch get ready we're breeding your motherfuckers out we're gonna get rid of racism one mixed baby at a fucking time I love it the only thing that's been

like really successful is Bumble okay which is interesting cause it's like oh it's where the woman talks cause all I do is like all I say is

I met you dude and literally I say hey handsome, handsome, how are you? So often it just, when I start typing, hey, it just pops up on my phone. You're like texting your friends, like, hey, handsome. You're like, that's my mom. So like, but like, what's funny is like, if I see an Asian dude,

I'm like, oh, he's cute. Because I'm like, I'm just any human. Right? Sure. I mean, I look for things and I'm just like, all right, atheist. No, I can't handle that. Wait, because a lot of times one safe sanctify filled with the holy ghost two um thank you so much two a lot of the times I'm dealing with guys that are like that as soon as if I like if I say grace over my food now we're in an annoying condescending conversation okay because you're gonna sit up and tell me that i'm stupid for having a fucking faith when i'm not doing what do you say for grace um let's see lord i thank you for this food thank you for all the possibilities and um thank you for

all the opportunities that you have given me i thank you for this food and we bless the hands that have made it in jesus name amen see that's cute, that's cute. When I pray, I'm like, hey, God, I know we don't talk often. But, like, can I have this? And then I go, ah, I'll be better. But see, it's because you don't talk on a regular basis. I have a Bible app on my phone. You have a Bible app? Yeah, I have a scripture every day that comes on my phone.

What's the last scripture you read? Okay, so the one that was for today. Where's my app? The verse for today is from Acts chapter 2 verse 21. And this is the NIV version for those of y'all following along at home. NIV. Never in... Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Never in Virginia. There we go. Because who knew she was going to say vagina by a raising of hands? Thank you so much. And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Oh, see, that's nice. It's short. Some of them are longer. Okay. But you know I do a

Daniel fast at the beginning of every year. A who? It's a 21 day fast. And you do it in the beginning of the year? Yes. For 21 days, you don't eat nothing? That's not nothing. My mother just finished a 40-day fast where she doesn't eat anything from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. Oh, so that's not a fast.

That's just taking a break. A break? That's literally the term breakfast comes from, break fast. So wait, so she doesn't eat from what, 6 a.m. to what? 6 p.m. So yeah, so 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. is hot. So my fast, that's literally what breakfast means is break fast, right? That I know.

Cool. Because you're sleeping. Yes. I just got an applause break for knowing what breakfast was. The bar for me is set so low. Girl, this is a limbo into the floor. Oh, my God. So, anyway, it's a 21-day fast, and it's a vegan fast.

Plus, no bread, no alcohol, nothing with sugar, no sexy time. You can only drink water. Good to buy. Can you masturbate? I don't usually dance to masturbate. You don only drink water. Good to buy. Can you masturbate? I don't usually dance to masturbate. You don't masturbate just in general? When I do it, something bad always happens the next day.

I'm like, please, Jesus, please let me do this. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So talking about that, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, wait, I'm going to let you process this. Go. Go, go, go, wait, wait. So talking about that, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, wait, I'm going to let you process this. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. You don't cum every day? No. I cum so hard every day.

Who has the tongue for this? Who has the tongue? Who has the tongue? You have the tongue for this? Who has the tongue? You have to come! You have to come every day! But like, I think about coming, like I feel about washing dishes. Someone else can do it.

But if you don't do it yourself, you'll get roaches. You gotta come every day. You have to understand that me getting up and walking away is the biggest compliment you can give a black person. If you've ever seen a group of black people

and then they all disperse, someone fucking killed it. Because they're all going to come back. Um, Dulce, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Just explain to me, what has happened after you've mastered... I don't...

I'm literally floored. I have like eight vibrators. Okay, wait. And you know what I just discovered? What? The Hitachi Magic Wand is a great just massager. Wait, wait, wait. Lisa Trager literally has a bit about that.

Yes, she does. And I listened to the bit and I was like, but is it? And then I had like a little kink in my back and I laid on it and I was like, whoa. Because like Lisa was like, it says all kinds of things on there like don't put this on wet places on your body and I put it on my back my back felt better and then I was like great now to the pussy okay

so you don't come every day no but I've had like vibrators in the past and like I'm just like I couldn't handle them but what do you mean you couldn't handle them you just ride it out you gotta ride it out. Listen, but remember, listen, listen, listen. Don't touch my wig.

What are you doing? For people listening, Tulsi is trying to explain this to me and she's just pulling on my wig. I'm just pulling on her hair. Girl, if you pull this off, I'll giggle. Okay, listen. You know, the greatest fear of my life is to have a wig on and somebody

pulled it. Cause I've had a white girl get too close to a wig one time and been like I'll fucking stab you. I'll tell you. I've danced with the devil. I was wearing a wig the other day in a convertible. Were there clips in it? Oh you better believe I was on the 405 clip in a day.

So wait wait wait. Okay so I haven't had a vibrator in years. Cause like I used to have one and some kids broke in my apartment and they touched it so I had to like, oh no. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, so I haven't had a vibrator in years because I used to have one and some kids broke in my apartment and they touched it so I had to get rid of it. So... What do you mean

kids broke into your apartment? How do you know they were children? Because they ate my food. And the cops told me that that's something a teenager's doing and I asked my homeboy.

Are you sure it wasn't just a man who broke in? I don't know. Fucking ate your food and put your vibrator up his butt? I don't know, but I threw them away. It was like on the drawer that they were in was open. But also, just wash it. No. You don't have to throw away a vibrator, put it in the dishwasher.

No, someone saw it and touched it. Who cares? It's in the trash now. Who cares? I get it. So listen. You could have donated that to some women in need.

For the same way you keep going to a homeless shelter and digging through the bigger clothes and being like, well, all right. You can't even donate

a bathing suit, mom. Oh, you can't? No. So if I brought a bunch of vibrators to the Goodwill, they would say, this is bad, Will. You know what?

I feel like there's a section of Goodwill. You know, I've been to a lot of Goodwills, and I've never seen a vibrator. But I think that Hitachi's been in one of them. Maybe. Well, because it's a massager. Right. I did get a vibrator recently. Okay.

But thank you, man, with another man. Yes. Yes, girl. He wants you, man with another man. Yes. Yes, girl. He wants you to come every day. This is the thing. I'm blown away. You must be so angry. Listen.

All the time. This is what's happening. You don't even need a vibrator. You could just use your little nasty little fingies and rub your little clit. You can finger yourself until you say, oh! Oh! You can tickle your

taint until you say, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Dulce, you don't need a vibrator. I want you to come. Thank you so much. I want you to come. But I have to tell you how I got the vibrator yes please tell me okay so i was talking to this man on the bumbles uh-huh and very um let's just say someone

whose head was disproportionate and what do you mean he had too much top he had too much head yes but his eyes were real little he looked like a cartoon from the 90s. So, but like there was this guy that I had been talking to and then he disappeared. And then this other guy I started talking to, he was like, oh, I want to do this to you and do that to you. And I'm like, yeah, come to my house. Because what you don't know about a woman in her 30s is that she's in fucking heat. It's because you don't masturbate. No, it's because my body wants to have a baby. No, my body wants a baby, but I rub one out and go, I'm cool.

Like, I really, like, I really think you should masturbate. Oh, wait, let me tell you what happened. I want to help you. No, listen, listen, listen. I will come to your home and coach you through it. Okay, so tell me, so you met a man on the bumbles. No, listen, listen, listen. I will come to your home and coach you through it. Okay, so tell me, so you met a man on the bumbles. No, I don't come every day.

No. What? Listen. Someone just said, oh my God. Why did you say, oh my God? Listen, I don't come. Do you not come every day? Who said, oh my God?

Oh, listen to me. I don't come. Hold on. Do you not come every day? You don't come every day? Hold on, do you not cum every day? Woo! You don't cum every day! Hold on! She's not listening. You have to cum every day!

But I cum when I take a shower. I don't take a shower every day. Wait, what? You know the shower head where you can take the thing down? Sure, yes I have one. Yeah, that's why i have one so you do masturbate but not all the time but usually when i take like a lot of times i take a shower but sometimes i don't always do it because i'm how many times a week do you come

you don't have to answer this question she hates me four okay that's good thank you sometimes it might be that many okay good but a lot of times it's not. I was thinking that you don't come at all. No, a lot of times it's not. Like, there could be whole weeks that I don't. Okay, for, wait, what? There could be a week that I don't. What is happening? I'm, I guess we're not going to ever see eye to eye on this.

No, no, I'm not saying that I. I come at minimum seven times a week. Maximum 37 times a week. There are days where I'm just in bed. Well, that's what I have to tell you about. Just rubbing till it hurts.

So anyway, this guy on the Bumble said he wanted to send me a vibrator the first day that i met him and i was like what kind of weird shit is this yes that's wild it's wild as fuck and so he was supposed to like we were talking like all day and he was supposed to come over and then like i was like all right because i had to clean up my house um because i'm southern and you can't come in my house and my house isn't fucking spotless and so the time he was supposed to come over like i don't hear from him i don't know where he was not only was he going to buy me a vibrator he was also going to

send me grubhub so i was like this is amazing so back up so you meet this man you talk to him you make a sex appointment and he goes before i fuck you i'm sending you food and a vibrator yes great so he is a keeper well Well, so Saturday we're chatting. Sunday he's supposed to come over. He's supposed to send me this hip-hop hub. He's supposed to mail me.

He's supposed to fucking order this vibrator. Six o'clock. He's like, I'm on the way. And then nothing. Oh. Don't hear from him.

Don't get no fucking food. Nothing. Nothing. Fuck this dude. So the next morning, because he was like, what do you do and whatever. And I rarely tell people

what I do when I first meet them. I just go, oh, I work for Comedy Central. Sure. But sometimes people already know who I am, which is a lot, because there's one dude

I matched with, he was too much of a fan, and I was like, X out of here. Okay. So I tell him who I am or whatever, and we're talking,

and then the next day, he's like, listen, I got really high, I'm really paranoid, and I got really intimidated by who you are and what you do,

and I was like, bitch, you a hoe ass motherfucker, I'm not going to talk to you, but he told me what the campaign was whatever then we kept talking that day and he sent me the confirmation for this vibrator that he picked out for me so

where did he buy it from? Off of Adam and Eve that's insane use Amazon Prime I don't know I don't know but this was the one he knew this was the one he liked whatever he's like which one do you want? what kind of vibrator was it? It was called a Satisfyer 2. Okay.

Ooh, people know about it. So I guess it wasn't on the Amazon Prime. Okay. I don't know. So, and it was like, but like, this was like the 11th. And like the delivery window was like the 18th to the 22nd. I was like, what is the delivery window? It was wild.

Okay. So Monday hits me up, talks to me all day. And then like, I know he gets off of work at 5. And, like, in the evening, he's not, like, responding as quickly as much. Which is always a sign of a motherfucker who has a wet girlfriend. So, Tuesday, same thing happens. Wednesday, same thing happens. So, I was like, hey, you should come over on Wednesday.

My homeboy's coming to town on Thursday. I like that you're still involved. I mean, the vibrator hasn't shown up yet. We're making plans to hang out. Truly, this is perseverance. I like that you're still involved. I mean the vibrator hasn't shown up yet. We're making plans to hang out. Truly, this is perseverance. This is why you have a career. You just gotta stay in until it hits. Well like I was busy doing

shows and then like he lives in Long Island so whatever. So I was like hey on Wednesday, yo my homeboys coming in town. I'm going out of town on Friday. Come over tonight. He's like oh my friend broke up with his girlfriend I'm supposed to be hanging out. I'm like, you lying, whole ass motherfucker. Okay. But I was like, sure.

So Thursday is Valentine's Day. Yes. Don't hear from him. This is a recent story. Yes. Because we're still in February. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

So the 11th was the confirmation. Now, a lot of dudes, when you first start talking to them, they won't talk to you on Valentine's Day because they don't want you to think that you're in love with them or some other stupid thing. So don't hear from him on Valentine's Day. Don't hear from him on the 15th. And on the 16th, I just went, I'm sorry.

You went from buying me a vibrator to now I don't hear from you? Very confusing. Sunday, I get home, and I have a package, and I forgot what it was. So I was like, ooh, why don't I order you. Very confusing. Okay. Sunday I get home and I have a package and I forgot what it was. So I was like, ooh, why don't I order off Amazon this time? More crafting supplies?

And then I open up the pack and I was like, Satisfyer, oh, the vibrator's here. So I still have not heard from him. Okay.

This is four days. Yes. So my homeboy was like, send him a video of you throwing it away in slow motion. Hold on, hold on. I would be like, send him a video of you throwing it away in slow motion hold on hold on I would be like send him a video of you fucking getting satisfied too well this is the thing it was called I didn't know if he had blocked me or not okay so I was thinking what's gonna get the biggest

reaction yes so mind you I just threw the box away I did not take it out of the box you didn't take it out of the box what in case I wanted to use it. Wait, you just threw away a fucking vibranium? I threw a whole box away. Only in a video. Only in the video because after the video was done, I took it out. And I didn't throw it in the trash. I threw it in my recycling. So I dropped it in the

recycling and then I sent this video in slow-mo because my homeboy is petty as fuck and still have not heard from him. I mean hot buttered trash girl who the fuck spends 49.99 11 11.99 with shipping and handling to send your favorite person other than nicole marie byer a fucking vibrator and then i know it's usually el. Listen I call Trevor Trevor Ezekiel Noah. I don't care. Okay.

I mean. But like cause he was like I want to use the vibrator on you and pa da da da da. That's just very presumptuous and very strange. Yeah. I've never had anyone send me anything. Well cause the thing is he can't pull no wild shit because the packing receipt also

has his name and address on it. So if you want to get reckless, we can get in there. So like on the bill on the inside, it had like the billing address? You know what you should do. Show up to his house.

Listen. Go ding dong, spread your legs. No, kidding. If I was the bitch I used to be, I just might do it. I don't know. But I would also just. No, it's not because I never met him. So what I would do is probably just send something.

I would just like, if I was a crazy, like, the only thing I could do is just mail him the vibrator back just in pieces. Uh-huh. And then be like, my pussy did this. Right. Because, like, a lot of times you, like, match with a white dude and you start getting, like, real, like, you know, sexy talking or whatever. They always talk about, like, well, it might not be that big. This is the thing.

Black dudes aren't all huge. It is very weird that men want to say that, like, they're not, you know, big or whatever. I'm like, just, like, be chill about this. Because I have been, like, very surprised by some small dicks lately. But I'm like, this isn't going to work. And they're just like, well, hello, sir. You got in between. We were out there.

Came through for the troops. You really, um. Because sometimes I've been with dudes that are so big, you're like, sir, my clitoris was six eggs back. Like, I don't know what to tell you. My G-spot, I need you to take a U-turn. Like, you're just too... I need you to take a U-turn. Because sometimes they're too big.

But then the worst part is, like, giving a guy who's very small a blowjob. Because you're like, hey, man, listen. Yeah, that's like sucking on a fucking thimble. I recently matched with this guy named Ronnie. Yeah, yeah's like sucking on a fucking thimble. I recently matched with this guy named Ronnie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ronnie is like kind of cute. Yeah. And

he messaged me in March 16th, 2018. You're still talking to him? Well, no. Then I messaged him February 10th of this year. Did he respond? He did.

Wow. Yeah. So he responded. He was just like, how is your weekend going? He wasn't even like, a year has passed. That means he wasn't paying attention at all. So then he liked my dildo picture. And then we kept talking.

Because you don't know that Nicole is the one. We were at the comedy store one time. And you sat up and you went through my Tinder. Yes. I made you put up better pictures because your pictures were terrible. Yeah. It was like too many. I looked cute, but they weren't cute enough.

You also had pictures of you doing stand-up. And I think that's intimidating to me. Yes and I also had a picture of me at the Emmys and you were like you have to take that down. Yeah you have to. You can't fucking flex on these idiots. So Cause like one of my pictures this guy was like why were you at the Oscars? I had to go um I was at the Emmys. Yeah like you can't.

No I took all of those down. That comes later. But I always have like full body pics and everything. Then he was like he's a music person. What do you mean music person? Well he said that. Is he a music producer? Is he a DJ? Don't let him be a DJ. He better be a DJ. He said I. No he's not a DJ.

He was like just finished rehearsal and heading to see a show now. And I said rehearsal for what? What's the show? And he's like I'm in a music group. So I said ah. What? You a music man. And he said, ah, you a music man. And he said. What is he, in Menudo?

What are you talking about? I don't know. He just responded with, indeed I am. And you? And I said. Google him. So I said, no, I'm not a music man. And this.

What do you think, this was Broadway in the 80s? He was a fucking music man. I didn't know why he asked it like that. You're singing Wells Fargo wagon on the weekends? I don't know. I feel like he should have been like, what do you do? Just assume I'm not a music man. So...

Fucking hell. Then he said, oh, good. I wasn't really into matching with music men on Tinder. He's stupid. So then I was like, great, perfect. What? on Tinder. He's stupid. So then I was like, great, perfect. And then we like, then he said it was meant to be, that we were

meant to match. And then on February 11th he said, wanna talk on the phone? And I was like, this man's gonna kill me. Why do you think that? Why do you wanna talk on the fucking phone? What are we gonna talk about? You talk on the phone before you meet them so you don't know that they'll kill you.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I do not talk to people on the phone. No, no, no. I meet them in person. And when they're like, oh, boy, I go, goodbye. Like, I have no problem leaving you on read in person. I matched with a guy on Bumble.

And we were talking. And because we were talking on the phone, I found out that he was a condescending asshole who was going to have to punch in the neck. So it was good we didn't go out. Now, this guy, so that guy didn't talk to me on Valentine's Day. This other guy who I started talking to, like, on Tuesday, we were talking. He's a nice guy.

He's an artist. He does murals, and he's an art teacher. And he messaged me on Valentine's Day, Happy Valentine's Day. And we talked then. Very sweet, very sweet. That is cute. So we talked that day,

and then I went to Atlanta over the weekend, and he sent me, like, some pictures of him. But, like, classy, tasty Christian photos. So what, him posing next to a Bible? No, you cow! Him posing next to a crucifix? He's like, Jesus is my homeboy. Like, what do you mean? No dicks.

He didn't send me his dick, okay? That's what I think is a classy photo. It's not seeing the motherfucker's man parts, okay? So, we were talking. We were supposed to hang out on Sunday when he was going to like a game at Madsburg and Swear Garden with like his family. So we were supposed to hang out on Monday. We were talking on Monday because like we made

plans on Sunday night to hang out on Monday. Okay. We're talking on Monday because like we made plans on Sunday night to hang out on Monday. The first text. I love with every man you remember the days. This just happened. On a Monday, we were supposed to hang out. And on a Tuesday,

I didn't see him because I'm crazy. But then Wednesday, it came back around. And Thursday, it was bad again. I hate you. But also,

this just happened. If you asked me what something happened a month ago, I'd be like, oh, October. I'm kidding. I know. I'm nuts. ago, I'd be like, Oh, October. I'm kidding. No,

I'm nuts. So, cause I also like a timeline, bitch. I'm out here for checks and balances. So Monday morning, he texts me when I'm getting ready for work. We're going to hang out today.

Da da da da. We found a place to meet up with. We're supposed to meet at six. I hadn't heard from him since two 45, fucking five 30. Hey boy, what's the deal? Like I said,

bitch checks and balances. I was at work six o'clock. I go to this pharmacy to grab something. I ain't heard from this motherfucker. What were you grabbing? I was getting medicine because my tonsils were inflamed. Okay. Because I just got over a very bad illness. I was sick the entire month of January.

Because at one point, I had tonsillitis, staph, and strep all at the same time. Damn, girl. And then I had tonsillitis, staph, thrush, and uveolitis all at the same time. What was thrush? Thrush is just a yeast infection in your mouth. Babies get it. And so... Wait, so were you, like, spitting up chunks?

No. Well, no, because of yeast infection in your puss, there's chunks falling out. Mine doesn't do that. Oh, yours... When I get a yeast infection, mine doesn't do that. What does yours do? So I just went, what? It gets itchy and then I just take a Benadryl

and it stops. Yep. Did you know being on antibiotics will give you a yeast infection? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. What is a Benadryl? That's an antibiotic. Oh, no, that's an antihistamine. Wait, that's a...

It's an antihistamine. You're right. You're right. You're right. But I also have a system where I also have one like sometimes... Wait, so what are your yeast infections like? They're not... You don't get goops? No. So how do you know you got a yeasty?

Because I'll get itchy and I'll get vertigo. What? Because I was getting dizzy and I went to the doctor and he was like, why am I getting dizzy? And he's like, you have a yeast infection. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I took a urine test and he was like, yeah, you have a yeast infection. That was one of my symptoms.

So I don't get the goops. I get fucking vertigo. You went to the doctor and said, I'm dizzy. And he was like yeah you have a yeast infection. That was one of my symptoms so I don't get the goops. You went to the doctor and said I'm dizzy and he was like it's your puss. Yeah. Because it's not dizzy it's vertigo. Anyone else here get vertigo when they get

you? You stood up! Thank you! An ally! Thank you sister ally thank you sister so you don't goop out you just get dizzy does anyone else

oh my friend over here who comes four times a week because it's not just dizzy you can't sit up straight and you can't lay down it's fucking I've never heard of this have you ever been on a tilt-a-whirl or a gravitron? Of course.

I love fun. Right. So... I hate you so much. So, like, imagine just sitting there and you are spinning. It feels like miles per hour. You're spinning so fucking fast. That's crazy.

It's awful. But also, I've never had a yeast infection. What? Yeah. I get BV a lot, which is bacterial vaginosis. Oh, I've had that. Which sounds more intense than it is. It's just like a little bit of goops and then...

I never get goops. It's just always a little goop. But like, a lot of times I use the affection, like, Papa Yogurt, you're fine. Papa Yogurt? It's a probiotic. What, you put the, you slop yogurt in your puss? No, not in it, you heifer! you slop yogurt in your puss? No, not in it, you heifer! You shooting yogurt in your puss?

Have you heard that thing where you can put a clove of garlic up there? Wait, like a, like a fucking clove? Not a bulb of garlic! You work on a cooking show! No, it's cakes, it's cakes. It's cakes, It's cakes. Also, I know nothing about cooking.

I know. So wait, that's garlic. One of my friends, she said every time she has sex, she gets a yeast infection. No matter who it is, no matter what happens. Yeah, some ladies are afflicted. And it's a fact. So she said when she gets them, she'll get a clove of garlic, she'll unpeel it, and she'll just stick it up there and fall asleep and it's gone. And I was like,

shut up. And I googled it. It sounds legit. So wait, like you put the whole thing up in there? Not a bulb, just the clove. What's the difference? I don't understand the difference. The bulb is the whole thing that you buy. The clove is the piece you take off to chop up to put in food. So garlic comes apart?

Yes. Have you never? No, I use garlic powder. That comes in a fucking thing where I unscrew it and I shake it on. Have you ever used like chopped garlic when you need like fresh garlic and something? No. What? How do you cook?

I don't cook. Facts. I make something called slop. That's the only thing I use. You told me about this. You also told me you used to get food poisoning all the time because you'd eat food that was too old. Yeah, there was a time in my life where I would get burgers, get too drunk, leave them on the floor,

wake up in the morning and eat them, and then go to work and be very ill. Wait, just overnight and get food poisoning? That don't sound right. I don't know. It would make me very sick. Also, like, I eat anything out of my refrigerator. I don't really pay attention to expiration dates. I think they're just a suggestion. On

some things they are, on some things they aren't. I also think traffic laws are just a suggestion. I know. I've ridden in a car with you. Well, because, like, the thing is, at night, no one's there. In L a car with you. Well, because like the thing is at night, no one's there. In LA, yes. So like,

why do I have to stop? I feel like that about stop signs. I'm like, there's no one around. It should be a yield. Like a stop sign in a parking lot.

I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, right? Like, let me leave Target. Let me get out of here. So wait, let me tell you

about this person. So imagine this woman named Carly. Oh, this is a lady. Yeah, and I... Do you know that you never told me about you and this person. So I imagine this woman named Carly. Oh, this is a lady. Yeah, and I... Do you know that you never told me about you and the ladies I found out by listening to back episodes of your podcast? Oh, well... What?

I don't know. It's like a weird thing to disclose, to be like, hey, friend, sometimes I eat pussy. No, I'm just saying that you always talk to me about guys, and it's always like, oh, yeah, I was talking to this guy, but you've never said to me, oh, I was talking to this girl. Well, I think the majority of people that I date are men. Yeah. And then when a lady tickles my little fucking clit. You wanted to say fancy. Yes, but I went for the joke instead.

I hear you. When a lady tickles my fancy, like, I will absolutely go out with a lady. I refuse to close a door. I refuse. Because people are people, and I personally think that I get attracted to people, and I do love a hefty dick.

And I think you could buy a dick. If I love the person, then we could just work something out. So I matched with Carly. This is the person you hadn't talked to since last year? No, no, no. We moved on from him. This is a new person.

This is the person you won't speak to because they want to talk to you on the fucking phone. No, no. This is a different person. But the other person you won't talk to because they want to talk to you on the phone. Absolutely. What the fuck are we going to talk about? You're going to get to know each other. I barely speak to my sister on the phone.

What makes you think I'm going to speak to a stranger on the fucking phone I barely speak to my sister on the phone. What makes you think I'm going to speak to a stranger on the fucking phone? I talk to my friends on the phone all the time. I talk to my friends too because we have something to talk about. I want to say hi. You have to get to know somebody. I literally do it in person where I can see their face. I can read

what you're giving me. That's it. So I matched with Carly and I had changed my profile to say, please ask me about the Minion movie. Great movie, by the way. Those fucking Minions.

They're hilarious. It's funny. They're fucking funny. Do not sleep on the Minions. They're so funny. They're hilarious. I love those little yellow idiots.

So she said to me, the Minion movie is fire with a fire emoji. I said, I mean, it's so fucking funny. I truly love them. And then she said, those little weirdos, what will they get up to next? How are they understanding each other? The many unanswered existential questions

of America's favorite franchise. And I said, I mean, it's gibberish, but you get it. And she didn't answer me back. Because she was being like clever and you just shut her down and said it was stupid. No.

Well, I just fundamentally loved the Minion movie. I think she was making it deeper. You were just like, it's gibberish. And you're like, oh, she just shut me down. Well, because I was like,

you fully understand everything that's happening. You know their wants. You know their feelings. You know their feelings. You know their needs. She misunderstood your joke. I, it wasn't a joke. I genuinely loved.

No, no, no, no. She, no. I think, now I think she was making a joke that I didn't understand. No, her joke was hilarious. Yes. And then you were just telling, you were both joking. And I fully was like, no. And she took it as a no when you were just extending her bit.

So should I like message her back and be like, I just... I like the minions. I don't know! I don't know what to tell you to talk to a woman. I don't know either. She's, like, kind of hot, too. Like, I'm very whatever. Well, it's just, like, because it's, like, when you get to, like, those...

When someone feels like you've given them, like, a no on a joke that they were doing or, like, trying to connect with you you I don't know where you come back from because a lot of times when that happens some guys will just like wait a couple days and go hey how are you and just like really

just like well because men are unsplappable women I think go to a place where they're like oh no so okay I want to

read this to you so I met I matched with Julia I think what you could say to her is be like oh you can literally just say

oh I hope you didn't misunderstand what I said I was completely agreeing with you something to that effect you can is be like, oh, you can literally just say, oh, I hope you didn't misunderstand what I said. I was completely agreeing with you. Okay. Something to that effect. You can just be like, oh, girl, I wasn't coming for your life. I was just like, yeah, the movie's fucking, they're talking about nothing and yet you feel it. You really do.

Or just send her a minion, like, little gif. Okay. That's good. I will do that. Because for a while with guys on Tinder, I wasn't saying anything. I was just sending them a gif of a cat going like this. Like a little kitty cat. Was that working?

It was actually working. Like, little, like, one making biscuits. But, like, that guy, we originally, like, went out, and I'm still, like, talking to him. Oh, okay. But he got, like, he tried to trick me, and I allowed the trick to him. Oh, okay. But he got, like he tried to trick me and I'd allow the trick to happen. So, he lives, he lives,

he lives in fucking Staten Island. Okay. And I live in Astoria. Yes. So I was talking about us meeting in Midtown because when he stood me up, I was like, fuck this bullshit.

You don't get to stand me up. I'm gonna call this punk. I think it's insane that you go out with people after they stand you up. No, no, no, no, no. This is what happened. It's,

I was trying to figure out what the fuck happened no don't I just don't who cares I was annoyed goodbye I was annoyed and so because my thing is it's so to the fact one I had to check myself because it was I wasn't uh I wasn't annoyed just at him I was annoyed at the other dude and then this other dude. So I just had to stop myself from saying something rude. So what I did is I just deleted all his text messages. Which is what I do to just go, I'm going to say something rude to this person.

Because ignoring, like, people ignoring someone I think is completely unnecessary. Yes. And it's very disrespectful. Yeah, but if someone stands you up, I do not think they're worth your time well i didn't know if it was a standing up it was if he doesn't show up at the designated time no no no we didn't have it like we had not a step this was the thing the only reason i let it happen is because i said the place and at six and i never got confirmation because i wasn't

even at the place at six i was getting a prescription so I was like I'm not going over here to wait for your ass you never confirmed with me let me go get my tonsils together again right if someone can't confirm that is the bare minimum I think you move on I think that's you're done yeah usually I do but I was like but I was also in a place where I was like and when you're in that mindset you're're like, somebody's going to say, I'm finna say something to somebody. Okay. Call him. He texts me back. He's like, I'm sorry. I fell asleep. We'll meet up tomorrow. I didn't say anything. And so I was like, no, fuck you. We're not meeting up tomorrow. I'm not saying shit. And the girls at work were like, he just

said this shit to see if you wouldn't be mad at him. Don't respond. Cause I was going to, cause my response was going to be, oh oh so you can play this dumb shit tomorrow because you haven't even met and you are playing fucking games with each other yes i'm already exhausted right so yeah because i don't know what i'm doing oh y'all don't know that i don't know i went back and forth with the same man from 2007 to 2015 so and I just slept with another guy from 2008 to 2016 who just called me the other day one who's married to tell me he was proud of me and that he missed me yeah and then called and then was also mad that I was in Atlanta last week and he was like you suck because you didn't tell me you were in Atlanta you gotta cut these dudes off oh I haven't spoken to him in years. The only reason he caught up in my phone

is because I wasn't paying attention and answered the fucking phone. Why do you answer your phone? No, I answer my phone. I never answer my phone. The reason I answer the phone... You gotta call me twice if you want to talk to me. The right agents will be like,

pick it fucking up! Why is it safe to be not? Because I was setting up meetings with someone and it was it was someone to meet for like a it was for them at general but it was someone else's assistant calling me and i didn't know what number they'd be calling me for this story okay so no no no you're asking me why i answer my phone that's why you were picking up a prescription he never confirmed and then I call him and then he texts me I'm sorry I fell asleep I didn't say anything

so he was like so since I didn't respond to him wanting to meet the next day because we had a long conversation he was a nice guy I liked him since I didn't confirm he texts me two hours later and was like is that okay and my friends were like only respond to him if he says something else and I was like okay fine

said something to him we talked for a else. And I was like, okay, fine. Said something to him. We talked for a little bit. Then the next day we met. And he was like, hey, let's meet. I was like, oh, we can meet in this bar in Midtown. He's like, oh, show me around Astoria. Now, one, I know you're trying to be on my side of town just in case anything happens. I'm not completely unaware of that.

Now, was I wanting him to come over my house the first time? I don't know. But did I also clean my home? Yes, I did. Yes. Just to make sure because he's fucking gorgeous. Okay. He's fucking beautiful.

Okay. And he gets there and we're just chatting or talking. We're having a great time. We're drinking. And he gets too drunk and I'm watching him get too drunk. Yes, yes, yes. And then so since he's too drunk, I picked a bar that was close to my house. So because I'd been on a date

before and this dude was so creepy and awful I was like I have to get the fuck out of here. So I picked somewhere that was close enough to my house that I could walk home just in case anybody's a creep. But he was drunk so he came to my house but my homeboy was asleep in the living room because he's staying

with me. Cleaning your house meant nothing. Well, he wasn't supposed to be there. Cleaning your house literally means nothing. He's like, oh, it's clean, but there's another dude here? I thought my homeboy, but I didn't think my homeboy was going to be there because he was supposed to be at shows. Okay.

So when I get there, I just see feet on air mattresses in my living room, and I'm like, we're going to have to be quiet. Okay. And then we go in my room, and we roll around a little bit, and I was like, I'm not sleeping with you, and he was like, we're going to have to be quiet. Okay. And then we go in my room and we roll around a little bit and I was like, I'm not sleeping with you. And he was like, that's fine. Then he still was up and goes home and now we're supposed to hang out again. But I talk to him like every day.

This is a wild story. Have you met me before? Yes. I can tell you that I did test out that vibrator. The vibrator that got sent to you? Yeah. That thing works. Yes. Good. It did something that I didn't even know I could do. What do you mean you didn't know you could do?

You didn't know you could come? I'll punch you in the mouth. I dare you. Get your lipstick all over my knuckles. Fuck no. Plus your face is needed for screen. We've been talking for like an hour. Isn't that how long this podcast is?

No, it's like an hour. I'm just saying we have to like wrap this shit up. And I... Well, I want you to know that I have come so much since I got that. Perfect. Good. I want you to know. I want you to know. I want you to come.

I also really want to fuck this guy. I want you to fuck this guy. And it's like, I'm trying to be like, because I wouldn't fuck him on a first date because I was like, for me, this is the thing. I would have been, as I said to him, I was like, I would be very self-conscious. Yes.

Why? It's, I don't know. It's because- Don't. Your body's your body. Yeah, I get it. And you know what you're doing. It's a fun time.

But I also was just like, I want to see you again. And in my experience, dude, you fuck on the first date, you don't see again. The older I get, the more they're like, I want more of that. Sometimes. Sometimes. And then sometimes when I'm at home, boys have been like, I really like this girl, but she fucked on the first date, so I didn't see her

again. And my first instinct was like, what the fuck sense does that make? Was it good? He's like, yeah. Then I was like, so what the fuck? He's like, well, she's probably fucking other dudes on the first date. I'm like, but she fucked you. Keep fucking her and she won't fuck other dudes, you bitch. She absolutely fucked somebody else on the first date.

Who fucking cares? Just the reason, we do have to get out of here. I'm not going to make you look at my Tinder because we've gone so long. No, plus we've looked at each other's Tinders before. Yeah, whatever. So I like to, what? What? We have. No, plus we've looked through each other's tenders before. Yeah, whatever. So, I like to, what?

What? We have. Yes, I know. We didn't learn nothing. No, we truly didn't. And my,

we learned I come. I'm happy to learn that you come. I've never had to defend myself so hard. I truly did roll around on the floor and scream at you.

I do have a video. Do you really? Of course I do. Oh no. You think I would let you roll around on the floor and scream at you. I do have a video. Do you really? Of course I do. Oh, no. You think I would let you roll around on the floor and not save that for prosperity? Well, thank you. I'm wearing your clothes. But I do...

I did not tell the venue that I do this, but I do take questions. So if you have a question for me or Dulce... She didn't tell me she doesn't. Yeah, yeah, I didn't tell anybody. But if you want to ask me a question, you can. Just come here. Like, real quick, come here. You got to, because the recording.

If you can't get up, you don't want to ask the question. It's truly, it's just the recording because I can't hear you if it's on a microphone. Okay. What's the biggest red flag you've gotten on a date? Ooh, okay. The biggest red flag I've gotten on a date. What? A guy being a foot and a half

shorter than he told me he was. Ah, yeah. Same thing happened to me. A foot and a half. Well, he wasn't like a foot and a half shorter. He was, so in his picture, he was like touching the ceiling, but upon further inspection, it was a half. Well, he wasn't like a foot and a half shorter. He was, so in his picture, he was like touching the ceiling. But upon further inspection, it was a basement. But even basements can have a high ceiling.

He was in a crawl space. Yeah, he was very tiny. And he, the bartender was like, this is a cash only bar. And he kept trying to give him a credit card. So he doesn't listen. And I was like, he doesn't understand anything. So that was the biggest red flag. Okay, hi, hi, hi. Tell me your name. I didn't get your name. What's your name?

That was Jasmine. What is your name? I'm Nikki. Hi. Hi. Uh, my question is why won't you date me? Cause you live in Canada. I don't know you. I don't know you. Alright. What's your name? My name is Hannah. Come on, girl. My name is Hannah.

What's your question? What's your favorite thing about being single? Oh, dang. Nobody's ever asked me that. What's my favorite thing about being single? Nothing. Honestly, I think it's that I truly don't have to answer to anybody because I was dating someone for a chunk

of time and I would have to fly home early or try to adjust my schedule to see him. And it was a lot of work that I didn't realize. You didn't have to do that. Well, I liked him, so I made the effort. I would have done the exact same thing. Yeah, it was just a lot of work. So I like the freedom of not having to do to do that. Well, I liked him, so I made the effort. I would have done the exact same thing.

Yeah, it was just like a lot of work. So I like the freedom of not having to do any of that. Okay. Hi, hi, hi. My name's Clinton. Can I buy the both of you a drink after the show? Ooh. Sure.

Sure. I'll accept it. I'll have to run around. I love a drink. Thank you, Clinton. Goodbye. Okay. My love a drink. Thank you, Clinton. Goodbye. Okay. My name's Annie.

What's your best sex advice? Oh, my best. Never trust a dude who won't go down on you. Yes. Also, never trust a dude who will only go down on you. I've never met a man who will only go down on you. I've never met a man who will only go down on me. I have. Really?

Yeah, and sometimes you're like, I want a dick. Yeah, yes, I think someone always has to go down on you. Thank you so much. And I think you always have to make sure you come. And if you don't come, you have to be vocal and say, hey, I'm not good, I didn't come, here's how you can make me come, which is also kind of sexy for someone to be like,

oh, okay, so like, uh... Also, make sure he doesn't come before you tell him you didn't come, because if he comes... Or she. I don't know who you fuck. Whoever. I just know if it's a man, don't tell him first. I don't know.

I think they could come first, but this is just for men out there. Just because you come doesn't mean sex is done. Okay? Yes. So make sure you come. Okay, hello! Hi, my name is Josie.

I was wondering where did you get your pants? Do you know? I do know. I got these from Dolls Kill. Dolls Kill is a website. I believe they shipped to Canada. They are doing a collaboration with Delia's,

if you remember them. Ooh. So these are like Delia's fucking jeans. And they come in little people sizes so you can have them too. I love that.

That makes me so happy. Thank you. Goodbye. Hello. Hey, Braids. Come on now. Hi, my name is Sheena. And I remember you went on

that crazy date with that guy at the airport at the Guy Fieri restaurant. And I'm wondering, what was the absolute most insane date you've ever gone on? That was it. That was it? That was a date? That's insane.

Oh, I heard it in the podcast. How did you get the guy to do this? Yeah, I bought two refundable plane tickets to go to the Burbank airport so we could go eat at Guy Fieri's Burger Joint. to the Burbank Airport so we could go eat at Guy Fieri's Burger Joint. And then I found out later that there's a full-ass Guy Fieri restaurant

just in a different terminal. You didn't Google the restaurant? Well, no. The Guy Fieri restaurant wasn't on the Googles. The Burger Joint was. It was the whole thing

and we had a real big tee-hee-hee about it. What happened to him? Let's not talk about it. Oh, no. Yeah, I don't want to talk about it. Okay, fuck him. Hi, so my girlfriend and I caught your last

show and you made a joke about dicks and you made a joke about curved as a type and we were debating over dinner in between if curved means only up or left and right as well. Did you know that curved down is also an option? Yeah, a dick can curve any

which way, but I just have to say thank you so much for talking about curved dicks at dinner. I am so happy that I inspired that for you guys. But yeah, they curve up, left, it's like north, south, east, west. They go everywhere.

You know? Okay, a follow-up. He goes, It's like north, south, east, west. They go everywhere. You know? Follow up. He goes, follow up. I went to the Doughboys concert or concert show in Saskatoon and I gave them weed on stage. Can you find out if they smoked it?

They didn't. I know my Mitchie and I know my Weiger. They did not smoke it. Who are these people? Doughboys, podcast, fucking nerds. Oh, all right. Okay, thank you. Next question.

We got to keep going. I'm just joking. I'm awful. So you're going to be it because I do have to leave. I'm so sorry. It's going so long. Okay. Oh, the shenanigans.

Oh, wait. You're here too. Okay. You guys and we're done. Okay. Are you swiping in Vancouver? And if so, who have you matched with? I have not swiped to Vancouver because I got in today and I leave tomorrow.

So I feel like that's bad to be like, Ew, come on, I don't suck. Hey, I think I get that girl's number. I would swipe right on you. I think you're adorable. You do look amazing. This is for my girlfriend. She wanted me to ask. Boo!

I don't know. I think it's chivalrous. Now that he has a girlfriend. Do you and Dulce have any Dulce. There you go. Do you guys have any kind of maybe embarrassing celebrity crushes that you... Embarrassing celebrity crushes? What's an embarrassing celebrity

crush? Like, ooh, I love Richard Simmons. Like, I don't know. I mean, I like... I'm pretty nonplussed. I would fuck Steve Buscemi. You know? Like... I think that would be fun. Also, like, I want to fuck

Guy Fieri. Like... So hard. I think just, like, a spiky hair to the that would be fun. Also, like, I want to fuck Guy Fieri. Like, so hard. I think just, like, a spiky hair to the eye would be hilarious. I always wanted to fuck Gene Wilder. I can tell you I was legitimately sad when he died. Legitimately sad. Love you both so much. I'm so excited to be up here.

I want to know what both of your non-negotiables are when it comes to finding a match. Broke. No. Broke. Can't do it. Broke. Broke.

Heathen. I can't do it. Because men will, because I dated a guy who was broke and I was working a day job and he resented me for being able to pay for Applebee's. So if I tell you I flew first class somewhere, or if I talk about how I went on family vacations growing up and you're resentful of that, I can't deal with that. I've done it before.

I used to say I want a dude with his own money, but I'm at that point now where I'm like, I'll just take anything. No, no, no, no. I mean, theoretically, I want him to have his own money. I want him to not be living. I want him to live his dream, not have a dream. Or her.

It doesn't matter. They need an apartment. They need a job, right? Yeah, it would be nice if they were employed, had a little bit of money. Not homeless. But broke dudes have the best dick. I'll tell you something. I once fell in love with a homeless man so i'll tell you real quick okay i was walking down into the subway i was wearing these cute

little boots i was like stop stop stop and then this like really hot homeless guy was like i like your boots and i was like oh thank you and he like reached out and touched them and we had a moment and i was like i'm gonna fuck him and then I was like, I'm going to fuck him. And then I was like, wait, I'm late for work. So then I put out a misconnection on Craigslist. You couldn't have just gone back to the subway? Yes, I was like, just in case he finds a computer. Okay.

Hi, my name is Erica. You guys are even more gorgeous in person. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. I don't know if that's an insult. Oh, you're gorgeous. No, we're more gorgeous in person. It's not an insult.

I was just wondering that, I know you've said you've liked going to weddings and stuff, so what is your best tip for what I should do to make my wedding actually cool and fun? Okay, you have to have an open bar. Yes! Don't you dare make people pay for a drink. Don't you dare. Open bar, a good DJ.

Bands aren't as great as you think they are. What? Just get a DJ. People like having bands. Bands limit the amount of music you can play. Bands are weird. Get a DJ. Get a DJ. Keep your ceremony on the short side.

Not an hour and a half. Also, let your bridesmaids wear what they want to wear. Just pick a color. Pick a thing. Yeah, pick a color and a length. And then be like, do that. Because it's like cute pictures

and you're like, oh, my friends are like really showing their fucking personalities. Right. And then... Make sure your groomsmen are single. Yeah, I mean, if you can. Give me a reason to... Also, do not

do a destination wedding. It is rude. It is rude to poor friends. But it's also the point. You don't want your poor friends coming. Stop! I don't know. My poor friend might make me something you bitch

one of my one of my my mentor in college she did a destination wedding because her very uppity very southern mother

was like we know who needs to come oh my god and I went that's the shadiest thing I've ever heard but truly yeah

make it a party like think of it as a party not a wedding yes perfect only cool cool people with cool cool hi hi hi hi oh we have one more okay great okay hi my name is carissa um what's the worst theater kid you've ever met oh the worst kid that won't stop singing yeah but can't sing i went to musical theater school, so all of them. I went right as like Rent was the musical and it switched to Wicked. Yes.

So it was just like 525, I want to be popular. Like it was just so much. And everyone's trying to hit that one note. So much. Those are the most annoying fucking monsters. Okay, last question. No one can hit that note. And then we have are the most annoying. Fucking monsters. Okay, last question. No one can hit that note. And then we have to get the fuck out of here.

Okay, hi. Hi. Oh, I met a beautiful woman on a train last weekend and she invited me to your show, so I just want to say thanks to her. Hey! Oh, vertigo! What up? Also to you. Yes. I just wanted to say, does your vertigo yeast cause you to have hallucinations? And how do we get help?

I don't get hallucinations, but I can only sleep at a 45-degree angle. What the fuck? So you can't sit straight up and I can't lay flat. I have to put pillows up to do a 45-degree angle. That's the only way I can fall asleep. It doesn't do restless leg, but it's like your whole body is just like, like you're spinning so fast. But it's not that, it's awful. When when i say i learn every day i'm truly learning every fucking day jose do

you have anything you want to promote um i do have the half hour coming out i'm on a show at 11 uh here um uh i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be touring i'm gonna be in dc next weekend i'm gonna be coming to arlington i'm coming to all the places that are going to be in D.C. next weekend. I'm going to be coming to Arlington. I'm coming to all the places that are Canada. Do you have a website? I have a website. I have the Instagrams. Hopefully, you'll see this giant man that I hung out with the other day.

Because I don't want to sleep with him, but I got to sleep with him. You're going to have to fuck him. My brain is just like, just wait. But my body's like, get on it. You're going to have to fuck him. He's so big. Guys, thank you so much for coming out., get on it. You're going to have to fuck it, guys. He's so big. Thank you so much for coming out. I truly appreciate it. This has been Why Won't You Date Me?

Tell your friends to listen. Have a really great night. Thank you guys so much. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.