Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - BONUS: The One That Got Away (w/ Blair Socci)

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

Blair Socci (stand-up, The Blair & Greta Show) discusses what it's like to date an "influencer", how to have an amicable break up with your ex, and the pro/cons of dating comedians. Plus, Nicole reads your listener submitted stories about the one that got away! This bonus episode is brought to you by Netflix's Always Be My Maybe! Watch it on Netflix now and in select theaters. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy, welcome to a special episode of Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you put mustard on your penis, I would suck it right off. Even though I hate mustard. Yuck, woof, mustard on a hot dog or a hamburger ruins it. Even if you wash the meat, it still tastes like mustard. So, okay,

this is a special bonus episode brought to you by Netflix's newest movie, Always Be My Maybe. And my guest today, oh, what a dang treat. I met her while we were working on a show on MTV called Ladylike. She also hosts a show in L.A. at Genghis Cohen. It's a Chinese food restaurant, and they've got a little side place where they put shows up. It's a really wonderful show. It's on Tuesdays. It's called The Greta and Blair Show, and it's one of my favorite places in L.A. to work out new material. So if you go to the show, you might see me, but if you don't see me, you're going to see other amazing comedians and Blair Satchi!

Did I say your last name right? Saki. Close. Fuck. It's close, though. I always mispronounce very good friends' names. None of my friends know how to pronounce my name. I also don't correct people. I really don't care. I always mispronounce very good friends' names. None of my friends know how to pronounce my name.

I also don't correct people. I really don't care. It's like I couldn't be less bothered by it. Fair. Yeah. Why don't you care? Because it's not like they're trying to mispronounce it. No.

Yeah. It doesn't bother me. So it's Blair Saki? S sake sake like the drink yeah that's but it's spelled i know that's another reason it's like everyone else is more correct phonetically but like my great-grandfather when they he came over i guess he tried to make it sound more american uh-huh but was like, weren't the Japanese being just as persecuted? Wait, you're Japanese? No, I'm Italian. But it should be Sochi, you know? But doesn't Saki sound Japanese? But maybe he

was trying to pull a fast one on people. He's like, I'm a white man with a Japanese-sounding last name? I guess, yeah. I don't know. Doesn't, I can't tell, I couldn't tell you. There, Blair. Yeah? Here's a question. Okay. Are you single? I'm single, yeah, right now.

How long have you been single? I've been single maybe eight or nine months. Really? Yeah. Oh, is this by choice or is this because you can't find anyone who you match with? Well, like the last dude I broke up with, you met him. He's—we were on and off for, like, eight years. He was, like, my first love.

And we got back together when I moved back to L.A. And, like, it was kind of, like, the last—we were, like, together a year, but again, a year. And just, like, we decided both together that we weren't gonna spend the rest of our lives together what is that conversation like and how did it start I mean we just fought a lot because we had different we were too different like yeah too different we wanted different things even though we loved each other and it was definitely the right choice. But it ended, like, I couldn't do it. I can never break up with people. So he was like, we got to end this.

And then we didn't talk for a few days, and then I was like, oh, yeah. And then I was, like, relieved. And then we, like, talked once, and then we ended it. And we, like, don't talk now. But it was, like, but but it was very amicable ending so after being on and off for eight years is it weird to know that you probably won't get back together with this person and you're not gonna speak anymore no it's not weird for me because I fully believe in the no contact oh I'm hardcore about that stuff like we also agreed pre-agreed to block each other

when we broke up and I mean this sincerely I haven't seen one thing of him on anything online since we broke up wow you're very strong willed

I am it's because I'm super sensitive so I have to protect myself. And, like, now if I saw something about him, it wouldn't bother me, but, like, you know, when you first, like, we're not meant to break up with someone who you're totally trying to detach from in, like, a cellular

level and, like, see their shit every day, like, what they're going to the grocery store, you know? You are fully correct. Yeah. But I, when I stop seeing someone that I really like, I want to know what they're doing. Which doesn't, it's just, I'm just hurting myself. Right. It truly is like cutting.

Yeah. Because it's like, because you miss the person so much, you know, when you're like trying to get everything to re-acclimate to being by yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Are you on the dating apps? I am, yes. Which one? Which is so funny.

So I was on Bumble, Tinder, Raya. I never set up my Raya because I decided I don't want to date a celebrity or an artist. Oh, I'll tell you something. There are no celebrities on Raya. They're all just DJs from Australia. Yeah, exactly. I don't, and I don't want that. Or influencers.

Oh, yeah, I don't want, and that was another thing. Like, my ex-boyfriend was like, he had like kind of a big Instagram and he was obsessed with it. And I was like, yeah, yeah I don't that's not something I'm looking for in like a husband and father who's like obsessed with his fucking likes on Instagram you know what I mean yeah so um so the one and then Bumble for whatever reason I didn't have like much traction okay and I mean I guess I wasn't super active on it but tinder is the one I like okay I what about you find the people on tinder to be overly aggressive that's what I like because I don't want to do the work well I mean aggressive in a way where

I had one person who was like uh we matched, and then nobody said anything, and then they said something, I can't remember what it was, it was just like, let me take you out, and I said, nothing, and then a couple days later, they're like, why don't you start a podcast called Why Don't You Answer People? And I was like my God, Nicole. I had this guy fucking rage text me. Really? Because, like, you know, in that thing, they're like, you're so ugly and on top, like, all this shit. Because he had in his profile, I don't smile much.

Uh-huh. And so I, like, asked him, I was like, why don't you smile much? And then he was like, it's just a dumb profile. Like, and his reaction was so gnarly to just a question. Good Lord. That is truly wild to be like, I don't smile much. And then expect somebody to not ask you about this weird thing you said on your profile. Yeah, especially when you only say, like, I don't know, maybe less than 100 words or 50 words or something.

But yeah, and then so he sent me 30 texts. 30 texts? Yeah, and I even, I blocked his number and they somehow were coming through, but I just didn't answer. But he was like, you're a fucking dumb cunt. Like, you're so ugly, all this shit. Wait, you block him on tinder or did you block him on your did you exchange numbers we had exchanged numbers which I did he asked very quickly and I probably

like I don't actually have that much I'm just kind of starting it because I thought I would never be in that person but I'm um I'm gone clean from dating comics I mean dating comics is hard I think especially cause you've you the last couple people you've dated were comedians? The last two

long term relationships were comics so like the one the one that you were dating when I met you you guys had been dating for a while. You guys were kind of, you kind of started off in the same place and then you got a TV show and they didn't. Do you think that affected your relationship in a negative or positive way? God, I don't know because I'm always so like naive to that type of stuff like and I also like don't really take in like I don't think I was like wow I'm a big fucking deal in any point so I don't think I really was but like people said

after that that might have been a thing but I didn't I don't I didn't feel competitive with him, and I didn't feel that he was competitive with me, really, either. Okay. Yeah. That's good. I don't even know how I would date a comedian. I just... I feel like you'd be good with a comic. I feel like a lot of male comics are just like, you're pretty funny.

And I'm like, okay okay you could just compliment me I do you remember there was a comic uh who I was in New York for a while we were shooting Ladylike yeah I thought he was really really cute and I was like Blair fuck it put in a good word for me and I want to tell you I want to read to you I don't know if I ever showed you what he said. So here's what- No, I think you did. I did? I remember now.

Okay, well, I'm just going to read it. Okay, so he said, flattered that you had Blair reach out. I've been hooking up with someone for a while, but I think you're very pretty and very funny. And I said, no worries. I don't know the standup boys well here. So I'm making Blair be my pimp.

And he said, I'm not mad at that. She's gotta use that voice for something. Oh my god. That motherfucker. But I do appreciate you, you know, just reaching out. And now I think they're getting married. Oh my god. Was that? I think he

met her after that. I mean, he was always hooking up with people. He is a pretty boy. Oh, boy. I hope his ears are fucking burning. Oh, my God. Nicole, you'd be so proud of me. The other day, I, like, fully sexually propositioned

someone for the first time in my life. And how did it go? Bad. He said... And you know what? It was funny because, I mean, he's tried to hook up with me so many times over the years. And I saw him and he was like intensely flirting with me. And so then I was just like, whatever. But it was good because it was like a mark in confidence for me.

And he had a reason why. But how did you hit on him what did you say I literally said oh no I'm afraid well no one tell my mom this if you know her um I was just like do you want to fuck yes and then he said I was drunk I was wasted but I've never done anything like that in my entire life ever I mean I personally think you know people should just put it out there if that's what you're looking for you know say it and then if someone goes no thank you that you got it back I wrote back I wrote back fair enough see I love that I I think that's perfect but also also, I was like, I didn't know that men turned down sex.

Like, I had never heard that before. It's happened. So I was in North Carolina, and this dude, he was like, I'll be your boyfriend for the weekend. And I was like, great, I will fuck you. And then he never fucking followed up. And I was like, I said it. I said I would do it. No strings attached.

I go back to L.A. You continue living in North Carolina. And I truly couldn't believe it. And then so I did a bonus episode of my podcast for this other company. And in the audience, it was a lot of episodes. So in the audience, I look out. There's a man I used to fuck just staring at me, grinning. And I was like, oh, my God. And it might get cut out of the episode because it has to be like a little PG-13-ish. But I was so shook. And I was like, hi, how are you? He was like, good.

And I said, so why didn't we date? And he was like, you moved to L.A. You were doing UCB stuff. And I was like, you moved to L.A., you were doing UCB stuff. And I was like, way to, like, follow my career. And then I was like, we had sex. We fucked, like, twice. He was like, three times. And that pussy was great.

And I was like, okay. This is in front of a bunch of people. That is, isn't that stuff? I mean, I can't even imagine what that's like for you. Because, like, that happens to me on, like, a small scale. Like, just, you know, when I'm on Tinder and I live in Los Feliz and I set it to one mile. And so, like, most of, I feel like it turns out, like, all these Los Feliz people, like, like arts. Uh-huh.

And, like, watch stand-up. They go to comedy shows. Yeah. And so they always say always I can't even imagine what it's like when you're like around the country and people are like

is that just so weird where they it's like they know you but you don't know them it was very bizarre well him I actually did know well yeah but like I hadn't seen him

in like 10 years it was fully like an outer body experience I could not believe it was happening because it was a it was a corporate thing so I didn't tweet or like Instagram that I was going to be at this location doing a live episode of my podcast that meant he I don't know how he found out and I didn't know how to be like all right how closely are you following me like what is and then we exchanged numbers and I said I'm having dinner

with a friend I'm free at like 11 and then he never followed up and then the next day was like hey what's good and I was like nothing I'm back in LA and he was like so quick and I was like yeah man I'm uh yeah you fucking loser and then he was like well you never texted me and I said well I'm not chasing you you know like I'm horny but like not that horny you know what i'm saying yeah and you're buying tickets to my shit yeah you're the one who sought me out you could you could just finish it you could chase me i don't know why these dudes want to chase you to a point i don't see like i that's so annoying i can't even believe it me either but what? We have to take a quick a-break. Okay. Netflix's new movie, Always Be My Maybe, was written by and

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Yikes, I don't know about that one. Sasha still living with his dad? Maybe he's the one that got away for a reason. While the two of them are reluctant to reconnect, they soon discover old sparks and maybe some new ones exist. Oh, sparks! Through twists and turns, ups and downs, a date with Keanu Reeves,

um, yes, always be my maybe is a rom-com we can all get behind. Oh, wickedly funny and sweet, but not too sweet, you'll fall in love with the film. Grab a box of tissues and get ready to laugh, cry, and maybe pee-pee your pants a little bit. Watch Always Be My Maybe on Netflix now and select theaters. This film is PG-13, so bring a teen.

Oh, boy. Isn't that wild to listen to someone do an ad read right in front of you? Honestly, I can't wait to watch that movie. I am obsessed with the Netflix original rom-com. Honestly, they're so good. I watch all of them and I love them so much. Not to bring up a different one, but I watched the setup. Did you watch that one?

Yeah. It was so good. Yeah, and I love all the fucking Noahah centennial ones is that his name i don't know he's so hot sometimes i wish my life was a rom-com yeah because in rom-coms where there's a fat lead she gets to be goofy and fall down and then guys go wow i love a clumsy fat bitch in my life they're like i'll just let her roll around I've never had a man help me up uh and I thought I thought that a lot I don't think same yeah I don't I think so also the last time I fell I tripped and I went oh fuck you to whatever I tripped over and then

tripped again and fucking like ate ate shit it was bad i had like six months ago i was on my phone which just makes it so much worse because it's like oh it's my fault and i dripped and both my knees were bleeding and a guy was filming it on his phone that's how big of a fucking asshole he was. I hope that ends up on the internet somewhere. The other day I was at the airport and I'll tell you, Delta, it's a real mess over there, okay? I can't believe

you're still flying Delta at this point. Here's the thing. I once flew American from Pittsburgh or like Philly to LA. No television monitors. I said what did you want me to do for fucking five hours? Stare at my seat. Oh my God.

I was so angry. And then I flew a United flight. I can't remember where I was going, but I could literally see the sky. I was like, this is the oldest plane I've ever been on. So I continue to fly Delta, even though I found a piece of shit in my blanket. Also, I have like 900,000 miles with them. Oh my God. So that's so insane. I'm gonna,

I'm not going to spend any until I get to a million. Cause I think that would be fun to just see a million miles. Oh my God. Also I was misgendered on my flight, which is a real wild thing. And now I understand why it's such a big deal for people because my name is Nicole Michelle and it says it on their like manifesto and the flight attendant came over. I was wearing a hat. I didn't have any hair out. Uh, I was wearing all black and a very, like a bra that gave me no titties. Uh, and the flight attendant came over and she, she said, uh, sir, what would you like to drink? After she looked at my name and I looked up and I was like, can I just have seltzer?

And she said, oh, my God, you're not a sir. And I was like, no. And then she like freaked out. And I was like, it's 2019. Why are you calling people sir and ma'am? Just call them friend. Or, hey, you, what would you like? I don't know.

It was weird. Can you imagine like what would you if you did that to someone? Like what would you say after? I don't even know. Well, I don't even know if. Well, I don't do that. I don't really call anybody sir or ma'am unless you are truly presenting as. Like if you're in all pink with a bow on your head and long hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you have titty. I don't. Maybe I'll call you ma'am. I don't know. But usually I go, my friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, at one of my shows, I was just just in appleton wisconsin one of the worst places i've ever been uh is that comedy on state no this was uh skyline comedy which is a great club

everybody working there was really great the manager love it the people who came it was almost as if no one had left their homes one day in their life everyone was wild yeah i might release the audio of one of my shows because it was fucking bananas. But during a meet and greet, there was this girl who was wearing all pink. I believe she presented as a woman.

Well, she said she was a lesbian. So yes. And then another girl in like a skater dress, like a little baby doll. And then another girl in pants. And I was like, you guys are dressed so differently.

You're like the Spice Girls. And all three of them, they said, I don't know who the Spice Girls are. I was like, really? You don't know who the Spice Girls are I was like really you don't know who the Spice Girls are I was like I guess I'm showing my age and then the one in pants goes well I was a man in the 90s and I was like okay and I truly didn't know how to come back from that and I said oh okay and then I started singing

wannabe and they were like oh yeah we know that song that song. And I said, well, that's, that's the spice girls. And I also named the one in pants, sporty spice. And I think she got offended, but I was like, Oh, it's just cause you're wearing pants. Yeah.

I didn't mean anything other than your pants. And then I named the other one baby. She's like, what'd you call me? And I was like, you're not a spice girls. It's such a rewiring. Cause like I have a handful of friends that are,

uh, non-binary and saying they, saying they're and they, it's like I, it sounds, it's a lot to, I really have to be focusing the whole time. I just try to use names. Right. Instead of pronouns. Right. When I'm talking about somebody or talking to somebody or I just is. Yeah. And I get why pronouns are important.

I very much understand it. But it is like a rewire because when you say they are like, oh, I'm talking about a bunch of people. Right. Exactly. Right. But I'm like, I want to do what they want me to do. Yeah. So have you had any good dates from uh tinder or anything

uh no but i mean like they've been fine they haven't been bad at all but i haven't like met someone that i was um just like wow you know but it's like good practice for me because this is a thing like getting out there and dating I've never really done I've kind of only dated like someone who pursued me really intensely I'm kind of naturally shy in that way so it's like a big exercise for me and like there's always just a million dude come. Those are the only people I'm around. So I'm not around regular dudes. It is hard to meet regular people doing what we do. Yeah.

In the last four or five days, I don't think I've interacted with a normal human being other than an audience person. Right. Yeah, it just feels weird. It's very weird. Yeah, you're on the road so much, Nicole. It's crazy. How many weekends on the road are you? I think I've been on the road almost every weekend since January.

That is so wild. It is a little wild, but it's making me a stronger comic, and my crowd work has improved vastly. Yeah, I mean, I bet you're so good at crowd work. I mean, it's just me destroying people. In Appleton, Wisconsin, a girl named Krista raised her hand. And then I started talking to her and was slightly mean to her, so she cried. Well, she deserved it.

Why are you raising your hand during a show? People, you guys need to understand, it seems like because it's talking that it's interactive, but it's a monologue. Yeah. Unless you're spoken to. Thank you. Bitch. Okay. In the theme of the movie, Always Be My Maybe, we asked listeners to submit stories of the

one that got away, and we're going to read some now. Okay. This person wants to be referred to as the Honey Badger. What a funny, okay. I met him when we were both teaching in China. I knew I would date him the night he got too drunk at a work event, and I followed him around cleaning up all the beer bottles he was breaking. Any sane person would run as far away as they could, but I did not.

I said to myself, I want to date a destructive alcoholic, and ooh, baby, did I ever. I have described him before as bottled lightning, and I think that's a fair description. Blippity-blop. One of my wildest memories is the night before he was leaving China, he had to go back to the U.S. to take care of his sick granny, which makes the story better. Anyway,

we both got drunk and found our way to the roof of a shopping center we shouldn't have been on. Instead of being subtle, we were blasting music on our portable speaker. The Chinese mall cops started shining flashlights all over the place, and our drunk asses thought we could get away. We noticed an open window and climbed right in and found ourselves in some weird Oh my god so apparently we made an amateur porn that night not sure what they did with those videos maybe a chinese cop is jacking off right now anyway neither of us could speak much mandarin so so as he was communicating with the cops through google translate on his phone

they took pity on him since he was going to take care of his granny and all we had to do is apologize to the gallery owner for some reason wanted to smoke a cigarette with him truly he is wild and such an intensive person and loves just as intensely now he's teaching in Russia probably hanging out with the Russian mafia who knows wow what a wild story so like they didn't get in trouble at all for breaking and entering and I feel like China is a country that's like respect and like that's important to them weren't there like basketball players who went to china and shoplifted and then like people they didn't want to like let them back in the u.s yeah i don't believe this story is that mean no no that's not mean that's like that's a lot

of uh several several laws were broken yeah to have received zero punishment and how could they communicate that he was caring for his grandma he's like sorry I was having sex in a building I'm caring for my grandma yeah you'll have to excuse this public act of sex

my granny's dying and I'm gonna go take care of her that is the wildest. I don't have a story like that where I've broken and entered a place and had sex. I've only had sex in public three times. Four times. Well, it was in bathrooms. Yeah.

Oh, that's cool. I lost my virginity in a bathroom. Wow. That's cool. I lost my virginity in a bathroom. Wow. And then it was a bathroom of a restaurant that I then got a job at later. I guess they liked my moves.

Oh, actually, I've done that before. Had sex in a bathroom? Yeah. I think most people have. I thought I had it. It was in the middle of the day. Really? Yeah. Want to tell me about it? I mean, it was was in the middle of the day. Really? Yeah.

Want to tell me about it? I mean, it was just with a boyfriend. Pretty boring, but. So, okay. I've never had a boyfriend, so I don't know what that conversation is before you have sex with your boyfriend in public. Oh, he was just like, want to go in the bathroom. And I was like, okay. That was literally it.

I always think conversations with a significant other are, like, more intense or, like, more thought out than I guess they are. Like, whenever I ask somebody, I'm like, well, when, like, I just got to talk to RuPaul at DragCon. Oh, my God, that's so cool. It was amazing. Do you feel, like, blessed? I do. Like talking to a pope or something?

I do. Ru, I can't even explain it, but emits this energy that is contagious. Right. And you want to be in that orbit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only other time I've really experienced that is like when i met

beyonce beyonce is a person who pulls you into her orbit right right and that was at the vmas and her bodyguards would go everybody against the wall don't look at her and wait they said don't look at her and that feels insane until she's right next to you because all you want to do is stare at her and then at one point I felt my arms reaching out to her and I was like no oh this is why they say hands against the wall right because it's just like you want to want to be a part of it and it's this insane thing but uh I was talking to RuPaul uh-oh I lost that train of thought oh Ru was talking about love and uh how rue uh fell in love with their partner or her partner his partner i don't know rue's pronouns but uh rue said that they saw this

person on the dance floor and knew in the moment that that was the person that they were going to love even though they were friends for a very long time and then started to you know be romantic and i was just like that's so wild that very few words were spoken and Rue knew that it was love. And I feel like that's what, like, a lot of people say. They're like, when you know, you just know. Yeah, I like that. I like, I think, like, as I get older and, like, have relationships and stuff,

like, and most people, I think they stop to, they stop thinking that way. But I'm trying to get back that way because I think that's really nice. But I also, it's hard because some of the choices I've made, I'm like, I need to bounce things off maybe some other people before I make decisions. I'm bad with going with the flow when it comes to like romance. Like when a person is aggressively hitting on me, it almost turns me off because I've been the aggressor for so long. And I'm trying to learn that it's okay to have someone. Like receptivity.

What? Receptivity. Oh, yes. Receptivity. Yeah. I'm kind of trying to, I'm actually trying to like cultivate that a little bit, too. Like because it's not it's kind of you feel very open, like when people are and especially for you, if people are kind of always coming up to you and always coming at you, it's probably just overwhelming as like in general a little bit

and then also sometimes i don't know what people want from me right i don't know if they actually want to date me if they i don't know i never really know what anyone's intentions are right let's read another story okay this is nico so my one that got away we met at a diy punk show when i was 19 he was 23 he was moving to louisiana for grad school uh later but three months we but in three months we had we okay this is bad okay we managed to have three hotel sex dates while we were both living with our parents and a three-way with a good friend after a show at a punk house. Fast forward nine years. We G-chat every single day despite his woman of seven years discovering sex between him and another woman. I sent him an occasional nude out of the goodness of my heart.

But recently I've begun to tell him if he wants it so bad he needs to pay up. So if he can support two people on one income, he can pay me for my nudes? Two weeks ago, he makes an offer. I would be willing to pay you. I immediately squicked out because despite what I say, I really care about him. This is so what is squicked to mean? This person has used squicked twice. I really care for him.

And he's been a huge emotional support for me, despite my undercurrent of jealousy and hatred for his woman. I was so squicked out of the timing of his offer this was two weeks ago he's getting married tomorrow said he'll talk to me when he's back wednesday oh my god can you imagine marrying that motherfucker yeah he seems like a bad a bad potato he sounds horrible yeah i mean i think nico i mean i don't know if I'm supposed to be giving you advice, but I think you got to cut this person out of your life. Like they are dating somebody else. They're getting married to somebody else. He's sexting another person and then you're sending him nudes, but then you want him to pay for them. I feel like you think asking

him for money for your nudes is giving you control of the situation. But I don't think you'll ever be in control of the situation. This person seems bad, right? Yeah. And also, like, it is true what they say. Like, if they're cheating on someone else, they will cheat on you. Yeah, absolutely. Nico, this person's a bad potato. Okay, this is Sam.

I fell head over heels in love with a guy that I had been friends with since childhood. We were very close, and we both had very obvious feelings for each other. Okay, this is Sam. I fell head over heels in love with a guy that I had been friends with since childhood. We were very close and we both had very obvious feelings for each other. When I was 17 and he was 18, he decided to convert to Mormonism and move to France to be a missionary. So yeah, not great. What a wild thing. I'm going to be a Mormon and we have a whole Mormon community here in Utah. But he said, I got to go to france are there mormons and i didn't know there was a huge mormon population in france maybe

he wanted a little bit more romance in his mormon maybe he was like oh i want a baguette i want the baguette i want to say bonjour to my 10 wives i I don't know. Maybe that's not current Mormonism. Maybe they're only married to one person now. I don't know. But that's a wild story. I don't think there's anyone in my life where I was like, we both had strong feelings and then it went away. I've ruined anything where someone had strong feelings for me. Why do you say you've ruined it?

Well, there is this one guy, he did an episode of the podcast. I call him dance party EJ. And he, I think he liked me and I think he said he liked me. And then, um, we had been like texting or whatever. And then I went to his housewarming party and I got very, very, very drunk, fell down his stairs and peed on his floor. was 19 at the time and just really you know uh I had a lot of trauma I was holding my heart and acted out by drinking too much um but when I interviewed him on the podcast he was just like yeah I liked you but or at least I think he said that but he was like I just knew after that day you were going to be too much that I was going

to have to keep up with you being as funny as you were and as loud as you were and as you know full of life as you were and I don't think I could have done that and I was like oh all right but then you know it bummed me out to hear but then I thought about it further and was like well what a beautiful thing like we could have dated and then he could have just been you know frustrated by how big of a personality I was and how little of a personality he didn't have well that he not that he doesn't have a personality but he is a quieter person yeah yeah yeah so like that may have been very not bad but like just we could have wasted time trying to like make it work when it was never going to work but I do consider him the one that got away. But now he's happy with it.

Oh, really? Well, I do love that perspective, though. And it is interesting. I've actually been talking about this with a lot of my girlfriends about how, like, guys will be all comics, like, you know, good comics and stuff, and how they say, like, guys are originally attracted to them for, like, what they are and how big and powerful they are.

But then that's what ends up being the problem at the same time. I think it goes well the same way for men, too. Like I think I know guy comics say the same thing, how they're like, yeah, originally they're like comedy. How funny. How fun. And then you're like gone all the time. Late nights. Yeah. And they're like, I never see this person. Also, they do bits all the time. I don't know this person. You know, dating a comic, I think, is hard.

But I do think about my parents a lot because my mother was a very, very big personality. She was a big woman. She was loud. She had a lot of people around her at all times she loved entertaining my dad would have been happy if not a single person ever came to our house or ever spoke to him one day in his life but like he liked that about my mom and it never got in the way of things he was never like bonnie shut up yeah he would always just be like that's

her yeah like and i I don't know where I'm gonna find somebody like that I know I know what you mean and I've stopped I've actually decided and made myself stop thinking about how or where because and I bring this up a lot but uh on podcasts and stuff but Greta just got engaged to like a normal person and they just work so well together and he like he likes comedy enjoys the world and stuff but he has his own interests he's not like too into it but he also doesn't hate it he like lets her he's lets her but like he doesn't care whatever she says like he's totally i'm like that it's and lots of people have that I just have to just keep like enjoying my life and I feel they'll appear yeah I I had my tarot cards read and it was like

stop trying to figure out how to get love and it'll come to you and I was like I'm not and then also it was like stop resisting and I was like I'm not resisting and I was like, I'm not resisting. And I was like, oh, I'm legit resisting in the moment. But I truly feel like you got to do some things to have love come to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree about that. I do. Like, I mean, I feel like there's certain things you can do, like, you know, trying to date that, like, tells the universe, like, okay, I'm open, you know. But also somehow just, like, not care about the outcome.

Honestly, at this point, I would love to just open up one of these gem apps and have just the perfect person waiting there. But I know that's, like, everyone's hope and dream. Yeah, but it probably is there. It's probably just time, don't you think? I guess. I don't know. Are you wanting to settle down right now?

I don't want to settle down per se right now. I would really like. I guess you have your life together. Yeah. You do have your life together. I've done an immense amount of therapy. Yeah, me too. And I'm really happy with who I am.

Right. There's like a couple of things I'm still working on. I really like my body. Yeah, me too. And I'm really happy with who I am. Right. There's like a couple things I'm still working on. I really like my body. Yeah. I like the work I'm doing. I like the comedy I'm doing. And I think I'm just ready for someone to compliment what I've worked on. Yeah. And I keep saying I don't want a dude or a woman who's like who has dreams I want them to be like living their dreams but then I talked to Rue and Rue was like the person who might be good for you might not be the criteria that you have so now I'm like oh I guess I could date someone with a dream but as long as they're they have to be like working towards it I cannot date someone

who isn't doing the work but like wants things because then I will get so frustrated with them and angry with them and start to resent them and I already know that about myself well I think that's super smart because then you don't get in that situation you also don't put some poorest person through that and also like I don't know about you but I sometimes tend to date people who have the qualities that I wish I had in myself and that would be what that person is like maybe could be doing if they weren't the right person yeah if I dated someone with qualities that I wanted or uh that I was like envious of it would be someone who was just like easy breezy yeah vacation every day I don't need to work work

will come to me but that I think would drive me crazy because sometimes I'm like why don't you just stop for a little bit but then I get scared about what happens if I just stop right right right okay so I was living in Italy working on a graduate degree and I was out to dinner with friends one night and our waiter was relentlessly hitting on me my Italian wasn't as good as his English and his English was basically non-existent, but we flirted back and forth and through the course of the evening,

and when my friends were figuring out the check, I went outside to have a cigarette with him. We sat on a stoop in front of some old Italian nonsense, probably a church or a convent, God help me, and started sucking face. At one point, he stopped and looked me dead in the eyes and said, I want to touch your boob, to which I responded, which which one i puzzled the crap

out of the poor boy and ran away into the night yelling sorry over my shoulder oh what that could have been thanks for reading thanks for the read love the pod the one boob wonder you should have stayed yeah well that doesn't seem like a huge mountain to get over. No, it seems like a really small problem that would have been fine. Like, I think he would have figured it out. What dude would have been so scared off by that? He was just like, which one? I have to make a choice?

Oh my God. I'm out of here. The left one, the right one. I got to get back to work. I don't like you anymore. That seems crazy. Yeah. Why just stay?

I thought men have like the problem of like they can't they can't stop no matter what. Right. I don't know. I if I was like, I want to touch balls. Like I went, which one? I'd be like, the right one. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't provide. I would just choose one? I'd be like, oh, I didn't know I had to choose, but I choose you. Curveball, but I'm just going to continue on what I'm doing. I'm going to keep swinging? I don't. Okay. How wild.

Okay. Let's see. Okay, I'm going to read this one. Hi. Hello, Nicole. My name is Jordan from Reno. My story is about the one that got away. It's my ex-girlfriend.

We're both huge fans of your podcast. This is kind of long, so I'm just going to paraphrase. We used to listen to your podcast on our dates and adventures, and things started to fall apart because I was obsessed with my phone and texting a friend that I was having issues with this girl. I wasn't being open and honest and I texted her while we were in the same apartment that we shared that we were too different and that was a cheap way of not fighting anymore and I was bad at communication and following the breakup I got back on Tinder looking for hookups and that was a stupid thing I did because she saw it as not as me not caring for her.

He put her name in and I'm not going to read it. That seems a little too much. And then we both started hooking up with other people. And I messaged her constantly about how much I missed her because that's how I feel. And she had no reason to believe me. But it's the God honest truth. She blocked me on everything. And I just want her to know that I'm more willing and able to care for her and respect her and my and honestly uh my communication battles

levels are better than they were and she wants to be independent from me i understand it you don't understand it because she has said that she wants to be that she doesn't want to communicate with you you keep reaching out you wrote into a podcast reaching out to her. And, okay, so this is P.S. I always told her loving her was easy, and I didn't even understand what that meant or if that's what she wanted. She really just wanted me to respect her

and all that entails. I do love her deeply, but now I'd like the chance to prove that I can respect her truly as the phenomenal woman she is. Jordan, I'm conflicted because if she's blocked you and she doesn't want to speak to you, that means she has moved on from you or is trying to move on from you. Like you block your exes so you don't have to see them anymore because you're trying to move on and detach yourself. So I think that's what she's trying to do.

And I almost think you have to respect that. But if you date at Jordan and you believe that he'd be better at communication, you're listening to this. And if you want to reach out to him, I don't think there's any shame in doing that because, you know, you're making a choice. But then, I don't know.

Like, I feel like me personally if I said no to someone and I didn't want to date them anymore and I was trying to move on and then I listened to a podcast and I heard my story yeah and this person's still trying to reach out to me I think that would turn me off a little bit yeah but on the other hand if I was like in a place where I was like you know what maybe I will give them a chance and I heard it on a podcast I'd be like oh this is like their Hail Mary this is them trying this is the last thing that they're gonna try to do for me I'll do it yeah that uh I mean who can say in my experience, and I do have a lot of experience in this particular story. I'm still glad I got back together with my ex-boyfriend after so many years because I got a lot out of it and whatever.

But I almost think 99% of the time when people break up, it's for a reason. And that when you get back together, it doesn't work. But there are stories and maybe you could be the one i think you probably hurt her a lot and she's trying to move on like the the whole thing i think it's with all people but i know a lot of women i know feel about men is you can say a lot of shit but it's what you do that is what you know makes or breaks things yeah actions speak way louder than words yeah so if you're fucking all these people and then being like hey i miss you even but i'm gonna go fuck tonight like yeah i mean those are conflicting messages yeah jordan i don't know i really want the best for you, Jordan. And if you do get back together because of this, good on me.

Yes. But also, take what you say to heart. And if you say you're going to be better at communication, you better fucking have changed. Yeah. You better be better at communication. Don't waste this woman's time. Don't do that.

There's nothing worse than like listening to someone talk about years they wasted on somebody yeah who like wasn't good to them didn't treat them right and they just kept forgiving them totally it bums me the fuck out it really does that being said if you did change and you are a good person and she doesn't get back together with you, then, you know, yeah, that sucks. But you'll be that much better off for the next woman that you date. Yes. And also take, if you don't get back together, you can take every lesson that you learned, all the things you've done to change, and you can put that into your new relationship. And then maybe that will be the relationship that's like your end all be all.

Right. Blair, I love that we're on the same absolutely okay i've been single for 23 out of 23 years i matched with a guy on tinder he was super hot and wearing a miller light t-shirt and i thought wow that's the guy for me oh no to be. To be 23. Oh, boy. To be 23 again. He suggested we go out to a local dive bar, and then he didn't text me until 10 p.m., and my dumb ass was like, well, I already have makeup on, and I don't want to waste that,

and if this is the only chance I get to be with this guy, just say yes. He said I had to come pick him up because his truck was in the shop. Oh, boy. I picked him up, and he was definitely drunk, and his truck was definitely in the driveway. Oh boy. I picked him up and he was definitely drunk and his truck was definitely in the driveway. We went to the bar where I accidentally paid for both of our drinks instead

of just mine. This upset him greatly. He pouted and said, I'm supposed to pay for that. Anyway, we had tons of chemistry and he was super cute and funny. I noticed no red flags, lol. Girl, this whole date is a red flag. Everything about this is a red flag. Down to the Miller Lite shirt. He got very drunk. Well, he was already drunk. And said on the way home, he harumphed. So you coming to my place or what?

I said no. Then I heard snoring. He passed out in my car. I got to his place and yelled at him and shook him and he would not wake up. I thought, okay, I guess I'll wait. Not even joking. I waited for two hours outside of his house i pinched him plugged his nose turn the heat on oh my god he would not wake up oh my god is this man dead so i got so annoyed that i opened up his

door i let him fall right out of my car and i walked him to his i walked him to his door i didn't get a good night kiss you wanted a good Oh my god. You wanted to kiss a corpse. As I drove away I noticed he had left the door open and was kind of just stooping over his dryer. His dryer was outside. after this date I was like wow this guy's a mess and I love it.

And we texted back and forth for a few days and then he ghosted me. It took a year of him watching all my snap stories before i blocked him now it's been a year and a half and you better believe i still go to that bar way too much and i look for him every time anyway i hope this made someone giggle i'm still single and mostly i just use dating as a way to entertain my friends with bad date stories this this guy was the one that got away but maybe it's a good thing maybe honey abso-fucking-lutely oh but also I've had experiences like that where I was like this man disrespected me he pushed me out of the way to like grab a penny on the floor and he called me a dumpster and I was like but

I'd go out with him again I I get being 23 and being like I don't know but this could work out oh my god you poor thing you know what you can tell you can entertain your friends with good dating stories also I'm sure they'd be just as thrilled and giggled just as much if you know you were having a great time and maybe banging some lovely man. Yeah, a lovely man who treats you right. I cannot believe you still went out with this dude after he said, my truck is in the shop and it was just in his driveway. He got into your car drunk, got even drunker, demanded you go to his house, passes out. You push him out.

You wait for two hours until you push him. Girl, you wait 30 seconds and you push this motherfucker out of your car. And then you don't help him to his door. You leave him in his fucking driveway so you can wake up and be like, wow, I was bad. He probably woke up and was like, I did good. Oh my god.

Oh boy, what a story. I mean, I did tee hee hee, but I also just feel for you me too i'm also worried about you and i care about you yes i worry too and i just like want to give you a hug and be like you were worth so much more than this why don't you fuck a hot rich dude who loves his mom yes who loves who loves his mom let's read another one. Okay. When I was 21, I had just gone through my first ever breakup.

I dated someone for less than six months when he called it off. It crushed me. For about four months after the breakup, I was still very sad over the whole ordeal. I met Palmolive Guy at a bar trivia night and we started hooking up. Now, Palmolive Guy, I don't know why you're calling this man dish soap. Is he like an heiress? I don't know. But he was a bit older than me,

maybe 24, I think, and an all-around supremely nice guy. However, he did have some quirks. For one, he didn't own hand soap or body wash of any kind. Oh, this is why. Dude literally used Palmolive dish soap, tough on grease,

soft on hands for everything. Oh my God. I'm talking to clean his body, to on grease, soft on hands for everything. Oh, my God. I'm talking to clean his body, to clean his dishes, to clean his drunk. Literally all of it. He also used to try to make me a specialty breakfast, which was really just rice krispies and Greek yogurt mashed together. Apparently, I thought this was revolutionary enough. And I told my then roommate about how much i loved it with zero irony we're still friends and she reminds me of how easy it used to be for men to impress me not anymore haha speaking of friends i almost famously once

compared the size of palmolive guy's penis to the circumference of a sewer drain oh good lord that's too big i've seen a lot of penises since then. I can confirm that the comparison was not false. Fun, relevant fact. My other friend once found Pomoliveguy

on OkCupid after we parted ways and his username was Dr. Ph.D. Accurate acronym. Seriously. Oh. Mr. Pomolive

Huge Dick. Pretty Huge Dick. Oh, Pretty Huge Dick. Oh, I thought it was Pomolive Huge Dick. Pretty Huge Dick. Oh, Pretty Huge Dick. Oh, I thought it was Palmolive Huge Dick. Maybe it is. But Pretty Huge Dick is probably more accurate. I don't know. Okay, but honestly, as much as I wish this man had owned an actual bottle of shampoo,

he was seriously so kind and loving, and not to get too real, but because of deep-rooted abandonment issues that started in my childhood, I have a hard time feeling loved by men. I have been single for a while. I've gone through a few bad breakups since my early 20s. My heart always feels like it's bruised. I'd be lying if I sometimes didn't long for a palm olive guy in his thrifty ways. I thought I'd reach out to him, but he's now dating a beautiful neuroscientist.

Oh, my God. Anyway, thank you for reading. Honestly, I do like this story. I do, too. He sounds great. He sounds like an idiot that I would love. Yeah, even though they use palm olive to, like, get oil spills off birds. But also.

Sounded nice, though. I feel like smart people do shit like that. Like how, like, Steve Jobs just wore the same thing. Like, a lot of smart people wear uniforms because they don't have to think about fashion but I was like maybe he was like tough on grease soft on hands I could use this on my whole body who fucking cares it's whatever I'll make this girl

a rice crispy blob he was probably like you know sweet and yogurt I don't know what a wild thing to make for somebody and then be like it's good, right? In his own sweet way. I love that.

That story, I think, is really sweet. And I wouldn't worry too much about being single because this is what I tell myself, that somebody is out there and somebody will love you and everything is A-OK. Yeah. And also, I do think that every person has abandonment issues, like real abandonment issues. Oh, yeah. And it's like something every person has to work through. And sometimes you don't realize it till you sound like you realize it pretty young.

You're only 23 or 24, which is pretty good. like you realize you're pretty young you're only 23 or 24 which is pretty good like if you take care of those things I think you're gonna be

in a good uh position to meet another palm olive PhD I agree

uh oh Blair I would like you to go through my Tinder please I haven't changed it in a hot second

I need to change it again but uh yeah let's uh let's go through it. Okay, cool. Oh, this is such a cute picture. Thank you. Tell them what you see because a podcast is not a visual medium. You're right. Thank you for the reminder.

No problem. Okay, Nicole is doing a gorgeous splits on the ground, which is so impressive. I can't do splits. Shows her flexibility. Also that she's spontaneous and fun. She's got great makeup and cute outfit going on. Okay, so the profile says, definitely a thought. The happiest out there.

I like that. I guess you could call me a BBW bored but wild. I love it. Also, I just watched a Minion movie, so let's talk about it. Gosh, see, this is good. Thank you. Nobody has I just watched a Minion movie, so let's talk about it. Gosh, see, this is good. Thank you. Nobody has asked me about the Minion movie. But I feel like you give three funny things, but also express who you are.

Thank you. Did someone help you write this, or did you just choose it? No, I wrote it. And how many pictures do you have? Swipe. Oh, my God. These are all such good pictures. I think I need better pictures. Tell them what you see. Oh, my God. These are all such good pictures. I think I need better pictures.

Tell them what you see. All right. Again, a lot of cute outfits. A lot where Nicole is doing a full squat. She shows her flexibility in a lot of these pictures. Just trying to let them know I can squat on the deck. Multiple outfits and hairstyles. All looking great.

A lot bending over. Gotta show that ass. Showing her cute dog. Another butt pic. I think it's a perfect assortment with a lot of different looks. Blair, can I see your Tinder? Yeah. You know, this is about my Tinder.

What's funny? So when I first got on it because I said I was never going to do apps, I was like, I should just write like what I actually like or what I'm looking for. And I was getting and I was like, and I'm going to also put like mid-level pictures. So I'm not like overselling anything. And clearly I'd never done the apps. And then I was like, you know, I'm not really getting that much feedback. My guy friend, he's like, let me see that. Redid my profile, made my words way dumber, and my picture is the sluttiest picture.

Ah! Ooh, okay, so this first picture of Blair, her hair is curled. It looks good. She's looking to nothing. She got the belly out. She had a tight kind of shirt to let you know she got titties. Ooh. And then this is a Kim New Money picture, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. Our friend Kim New Money is a photographer. Incredible. Got her Instagram page. It's really great. So this is Blair in a striped shirt and some jeans, looking very tough with her legs open. Blair in a striped shirt and some jeans looking very tough with her legs open. Then we got Blair in a black turtleneck against a black background with bright blonde hair, red lips saying,

Ooh, baby, come to me. Uh-oh. Then you have a picture of you looking great with a dude. You can't do that. Really? No, because then they're going to go, Who's this man? Is this a couple? Oh, maybe I should take that one off. You should. gonna go who's this man is this a couple oh maybe i should take that one off you should okay it's andrew collin you can't do that okay i was like i just

need some non-professional photos on there your profile says i've never had water before what's it like so many people write me about that fucking thing. It's very funny. What has been a response for someone reading that you've never had water? They're like, let me show you. Or I'll tell you what it's like or something. Or I go, they're like, still not have water. I'm like, I tried it.

It's good. If I saw that and I was into you, I'd be like, I've never really tasted oxygen before. What's that like? Yeah, yeah. Do you do that? Like, just, I don't know, to match it with, like, because you need water and obviously you've had water. Yeah, yeah. No, it's good.

It honestly makes it, like, they show their personality. I would never have ever thought to write that in my life. But so many more people respond than like whatever I had before oh that's so funny actually maybe I'd be like have you ever had kool-aid in water it really makes it sweet that's nice when I was younger I would only really drink kool-aid water which is disgusting I you know what's crazy is because because I didn't really grow up on that stuff, but now when I have a full sugar beverage, it tastes like crack to me. Like just a regular lemonade or like a regular Coke. I'm like, this is a perfect, this couldn't be improved.

I can't drink a regular Coke anymore. I have it like three times a year, and every single time I'm like, this is incredible. I had a full-blown Sprite the other day and was fucking floored. Every time I go to UCB, I have a Sprite. I look forward to it the whole day because they always have them in their mini fridges. That's very

funny. It's like a UCB treat. Okay. Hey, Blair, would you date me? Yeah, I would date you. You would? Why? I like so many things about you. You would? Why? Yeah. I like so many things about you. Oh, Blair.

Yeah. Okay, you're really smart. You're really fun. You're really compassionate. You're really wild and spontaneous. You're creative. You have really fun hair and makeup and outfits and sunglasses. Yeah, you're really fun to hang out with with and you'd be a great person to date.

Blair, thank you. I would date you as well. Oh my God, thank you. I think you're all of those same things. I think you're fun, smart, creative, really funny. Your standup is so funny. Thank you. Because you do have a squeaky voice, you know that.

And when you do standup, you do this like kind of squeaky yell that I find so funny that like sometimes I'm the asshole laughing at your setup because I just like the way you've said it thank you it's so nice it's such a treat thank you Blair do you have anything you want to promote uh yeah just my twitter and instagram is at Blairaki, B-L-A-I-R-S-O-C-C-I. And I post all my shows there. I'm going on tour with Ron Funches for four months starting in June. So you can check RonFunches.com for all the dates.

Weekends, weekdays, a little bit of both? Mostly weekends and some weekdays that are like near the weekends but yeah that's gonna be fun yeah I'm excited so go to Blair's website you said your website

oh blairsaki.com but I mostly post it on Instagram and Twitter so go to her Instagram and Twitter if you want to see her live with Ron Funches also

this special episode was brought to you by Netflix's new movie Always Be My Maybe. So you can watch that now on just this very small streaming service called Netflix. Just kidding. It's huge. Okay.

Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.