Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - BONUS: The Struggles of your Twenties (w/ Rae Sanni)

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

Writer/stand-up Rae Sanni (The Good Place, A Black Lady Sketch Show) joins Nicole to discuss all the struggles of their twenties, and how it has defined them. From the string of bad sex, hustling for money, dealing with colorism in the black community, and more.This bonus episode is brought to you by BET's new Twenties. See it March 4th. Search and post on social with hashtag #TwentiesonBET.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could steal my dog, hold him hostage, and I would just say, okay, he's your dog now. I see this as my dog is next to me. I would be so sad. I'd be so sad.

But, you know, if you kept the dog and we kept dating, technically he's still my dog. Anyway, okay, this is a special bonus episode brought to you by BT's 20s. A new series from executive producer Lena Waithe following a group of friends trying their best as they hustle, struggle, and grow through their 20s. 20 centers around a queer aspiring screenwriter, Hattie, and then her two straight best friends, Marie and Nina, as they try to pursue professional dreams while testing the limits of diversity, equality, and inclusion in Los Angeles while they live separate lives.

The girls lean on each other for guidance as they navigate a chaotic time of life. Your 20s are a work of art. Check out 20s on BET starting March 4th. Search and post on social with the hashtag 20s on BET. On today's episode, we're talking all about the struggles of your 20s and how they've defined us. I'm joined today by Rae Soni. And you know her from writing on a black lady sketch show, The President Show, and Rel.

Yes! I feel like you have more credits. You wrote on The Good Place. Yes. That was why I moved to this godforsaken town. You can't say no to that. No, you say, oh, yes, please. I look around this town.

I should have said no. I love how openly you dislike Los Angeles. At this point, though, it's a bit. Like, I do genuinely, truly hate it. But at this point, it's like, I could try to like it more. It's so funny that you, like, are successful and working and you're like, I hate it.

Oh, no. Is that how that comes off? Really bad? No, it's not bad. But it's just like a lot of people who are not successful are like, I love my hair. It's like, what do you love? You're not working but it's just like a lot of people who are not successful are like i love my hair it's like what do you love you're not working you're not doing a thing okay so like the show 20s and bt is about struggle hustle and growth and i feel like that is very very much my

20s like i worked i think three jobs with this like I was a nanny I worked at an improv place I would do shows at night uh I like I was just doing and then I was a hostess for a while and it was just like a lot of stuff under the table a lot of cash a lot of cash in In my 20s, I was a broke stripper. You stripped? Yeah. I didn't know that. I don't know if I don't want people to know it, but I don't bring it up right away. I guess it would be a wild thing to be like, hello, nice to meet you.

I was a stripper. Were you? Okay, so I went to this club in Kansas called Baby Dolls. Don't know if it still exists. But this woman, Foxy, told us there's only three types. Uh-huh. Okay. Foxy had a big fro.

Okay. I wanted to make sure Foxy was black. Yes. Okay. Gorgeous. If there was a white woman named Foxy. It'd be very funny. I would be very curious about her. She would have lived a life, I feel like.

But she told us there's only three types of strippers. She said floor girls, those are girls who hump the floor. Pole girls, they do tricks. And then a face, they just stand there. She's not wrong. So I want to clarify that I was a broke stripper. So I thought I was a face. And to some people I was a face. And to some people

I was, but to a lot of people I was not. How long did you do that? Off and on for a couple years. I think, you know, somewhere between maybe like 24 and 27. I would do it off and on. So I would

try to have real jobs. But if I needed to... I think stripping's a real job. Yeah, I suppose. Yes. It's a real job. It is. It's a real job. It's not a job I expected for myself. Sure. Any sounds of judgment is not judging

sex work. It's my brain doing to me what I was doing to me. I still do it to me about everything sorry I wish I could have become a stripper I just I was too fat to ever think like I never I've to this day I've never seen a fat stripper in a club I don't think I've seen one and I've been to a lot of clubs yeah I I don't think I've I don't think i've seen one either to be honest with you right absolutely not no no i like when i was watching hustlers i was like no i was like this is not believable i have not watched hustlers because i have ptsd so i have not seen it not ptsd but girl

like i i it's it stresses me out. Well, it's like, okay. Like, sex work is real work. Stripping is real work. I just think clubs need to take more ownership that, like, people are vulnerable. It's a fucking racket. It's a fucking racket. Did you work in a club where you had to pay to perform?

So every club, pretty much, you have to pay to perform. It's sort of like a salon in that way where you rent a chair. You basically are renting the pool or the locker room mirrors. I don't know. You're renting something. But the fees are exorbitant

in a lot of places. If you do a private room where you're not supposed to fuck them, but they probably expect you to fuck them, it costs a lot of money. They'll take a huge chunk. If you were at one of where you're not supposed to fuck them, but they probably expect you to fuck them, it costs a lot of money. They'll take a huge chunk. If you're at one of these upscale clubs in Manhattan and you get a customer to buy a private room for like $2,000. You see what, 200 of it?

Not that bad, but it's like ugly. Like I might get a grand, you know. That sucks. It fucking, it blows. And then there's other things that people are, like, you got to keep your toes done, your nails done. It costs so much money. You got to get your hair done, the makeup. It's very expensive.

It's so expensive. The shoes. The shoes don't last long. The shoes don't last long. I've had to replace those, like, you know, they're like stripper shoes. There are all these stores that. Pleasers. Yeah, the pleaser.

Oh, you know your business. Oh, I take a pole dancing class and I'm, I am very interested in stripping. I think it's a very interesting thing. Not a thing I would do in my 30s, But it's a very 20s solution for money. I want to. I want to strip. In your 30s. I sure do.

You would. I want to get good enough that I could just do it one night a week and then donate that money to like the downtown women's shelter. You would actually do it? Yes. You know, like, I feel like I was foolish and arrogant enough to not be nervous about what I was doing like it wasn't like the the bravery that teenagers have but there's still something about you in your 20s that you're braver than well in my 20s okay I spent it covering up not like I wasn't wear like big baggy clothes or anything I would just wear like a skin-tight

turtleneck and I'd be like at least it's covered uh but now I'm just like oh people see the fat whether it's covered or not I don't care anymore oh you feel freer yes I was very not unhappy with my body but I felt like the world was unhappy with my body so I covered it up in my 20s yeah like it's it's so strange because it's simultaneously the bravest and the weakest you'll be what in your 20s absolutely oh yeah because you're still trying to like figure shit out you're still trying to figure shit out. You're still trying to figure shit out. You're dumb enough to think that you have figured it out because you remember what you were like when you were 15.

Yes. You're like, oh yeah, I'm great now. I'm 23. I'm not 16 anymore. Which is so funny to think 23 is an adult. Yes. You're not an adult yet. No. I'm still not an adult. I'm barely an adult. That's still not an adult i'm barely an adult that's why i

fucking hate this town it's trying to make me grow up you just nest here you do you do grown shit like budget and get groceries and stuff i you know but maybe there's something magical about the struggle of this state or this town Maybe there's something like beautiful about being broke and like constantly just in the sun when you're broke. You know? Because when I was broke, I was in Brooklyn

and broken cold is a different thing that isn't magical or beautiful. So maybe there's something attractive about broken LA. I mean. Ooh, that sounds terrible. I shouldn't have said that. No, I get it. Broken cold is different.

And being broken New York is different than being broken out here. I don't know what broken out here is. Well, sort of. A little bit. I'm not good with money. But, you know, it's such a car town. I don't know how to drive.

You don't have a license? No, I don't have how to drive i grew up a license no i don't have uh ever been behind a steering wheel it's honestly it's not hard i'm so scared so where did you grow up did you grow up in new york yeah i grew up in brooklyn oh i didn't know you were born and raised in brooklyn yeah so it explains a lot it explains so much. I'm not of a car culture. No. And I don't like when it's sunny and niggas are smiling all day. I don't know what to do. It's a very stressful situation.

Your joy is impressive, truly. It's very funny. It brings me so much joy to hear this. Because I had the same mindset for a very long time because I lived in New York from 18 to 26. OK. 27. Those are first of all, those are very formative years as well. So it's not even just like, OK, a long time. But it's like when you really become you, you know.

Then I moved out here and I was like yo people are truly wild people are crazy here they like you'll stay out all night in New York but like nobody's gonna be like come to my mansion up in the hills and we'll snort coke all night and you're like this is what this is too much okay so I'm gonna sound so basic when I tell the story it's actually not even a good story, but whatever. I went to a—I didn't even do anything cool. I went to a screening at a mansion. And I go to this thing, and I, like, the Lyft driver just starts going up a hill, and it says Mount Olympus.

What? So I'm going to go watch a movie that will be released next month. In someone's private screening room. On Mount Olympus. Yes. Atop a hill that Zeus chills in. That's a lie, okay? Like, why?

Why would I ever do that? It's sunny and people and mountains. Exactly. I don't want that. I want it flat and there are concrete buildings and no one owns, like, structures created by Gaia or whatever. That's crazy. You said before we started recording that you hope to leave L.A. so you can get fucked again.

Yes. Are you not having sex out here? No. What are you looking for out here? Or like what are you looking for in general? Um a black person. Who also likes black women. Uh huh. So

that negates this whole city. Honestly it cuts out a lot of people. Whenever I see black couples, I always get really excited because I'm like, how did you find each other? No, on some real shit, I think I've seen

since I've been on the West Coast, I've been on the West Coast for two years and a month right now. Two years, yeah, exactly one month. And I've seen exactly like three black couples and i think they've all in imported their boyfriend from the east coast well we run in a you're do you live on the east side no i live on in hollywood well that's the

east side is that the east side i think there's east side? I think. There's East Hollywood. Yeah, there's East Hollywood. But I think Hollywood's part of the east side. I just know you got to go to like Crenshaw to see black people together. And I have gone down there. I feel crazy. You can't be touring black people like that. That's nuts.

But I have gone down to like Inglewood or whatever and it's great like i've had a great time i can't be in the back of somebody's car 45 minutes yeah that's to do anything uh-huh so the sprawling nature of this city has really interfered with my ability to finesse dick and like no truth truth, I can finesse. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not like a stunner, but I can charm. And I haven't been able to do it because I'm just not. I have a no whites under Trump rule.

So you haven't fucked nobody in the last four years? No, not four years. No, I mean like a white person. I got it. I don't want to lie to you, so let me think really hard. When Trump got elected, was that dude... There was a hot British dude

who was like 21 to my 28. And I'm trying to remember if that was October or November see he don't count because he was British okay okay

yeah so then no whites under Trump I have done a good motherfucking job that's very funny I once um this was years and years ago

when I first moved here I was talking to this dude on an app and then he was like come to my house i was like all right he gives me the address and it is a solid 45 minutes in the valley no and i got in my car i buckled up and i said let's do this i went all the way out there and it wasn't good

and i think that is one of the main differences between like my 20s and now. 15 minutes is the most I'm traveling for you. 20 minutes if I'm pressed. But I can't be in the car for 45 minutes and not know if the dick is good. But also in your 30s, you know, like good dick matters, right? It does. And in my 20s I was so delighted

to be having sex you know. I was so delighted that people wanted to put it in me you know. That like I could go for a long ride to get some mediocre dick but we not doing that now. I know what an orgasm feels like.

Yes. You know, we ain't got time. No. An hour in a car with a Greek cab driver. No. Thank you. Just so you can give me awkward dick. Are you on the apps currently?

No. Oh. I hate, I really hate them. I hate them so much because I am a better in person kind of person. Just in general in my life, whatever. I am so obnoxious online and in person I like to think I'm pretty decent. And then I'm going to find out that that's not true. You're going to be like, actually, you suck in person too. No, I'm kidding. but and then I'm gonna find out that that's not true I'm gonna be like actually you suck in person too no I do um but like yeah so it's crazy you can reduce people to

these you know keywords they choose so that the algorithm or whatever will make you hit on them and then uh maybe I don't look good in this one picture. And then suddenly a dude that I know I could bag no problem if I like giggled in his direction or even if I brushed his shoulder on the subway gets to swipe left on me. That ain't fair. That's not fair at all. It's rude. It's so rude. And I'll sit there and I'll be like, nah, you bugging this one? Did it match with me?

You lying hench. Why are you lying? It'll be that or, you know, like all those like stats where it's like Asian men and black women. We're right at the bottom. And it's like, I don't need that today. So I stay off of them. And then I would never be on dating apps in Los motherfucking Angeles. Are you crazy?

Actor, actor, actor, PA, actor, actor. Why? Yeah, because that's who lives here. I wish I was stronger. Are you having a good time? No. No, it's awful. It's truly the worst.

Everyone is wild. So you spent your 20s in New York? Yes. Was dating easier in your 20s in New York than it is? Well, what is dating, right? I never made like set plans for drinks with people. I never dated. If that's what dating is. I would like meet people and be like, Oh, we're having drinks. Isn't this a fun time? And then it's like,

Oh, are we going to fuck? Okay. This seems fun too. I, I never dated so much as I just smashed my friends. So it's a lot of like, there was a lot of like people who I've known since childhood or have known like they're like tertiary friends, friends of friends that didn't think I was close to hot when I was growing up. But we're like, she has a mouth when I turned like 22 or something

and so I would just like smash those guys or you know I'm a stand-up comic do you get chuckle fuckers? no I used to smash other stand-up comics oh which is

bad no it is terrible it's there's nothing worse than walking into a green room and being like i have slept with more than half of these people this isn't good it's kind of a more regular occurrence than anyone would like to admit i agree and i think I spent because I started staying up at 21 and I got self-esteem sorta at 29 so I think I smashed primarily comics or or or um wasted time on is what I would say I maybe like the latter four or five years of that. I slept with a lot of comedians in my early 20s.

And truly looking back, not one was a good choice. Like none of them were. Oh, wow. Like, look at them now. You know, I really missed the boat on that one. Oh, wait. Time out. Let me run.

Yo, I'm trying to think of if I smash somebody and they've blown up or something. You know what I mean? Like, is there anybody? I'm like, yo, this nigga, I like blew him in 20. I blew him right into stardom. I did see someone that I had smashed in a commercial. Maybe like two weeks ago. And I was like, you know, good for him. I have a friend who was hit on by like a pretty, he's a pretty famous actor at this point.

But they had like come up together and there was like flirting or whatever. And then maybe, maybe they like hooked up a little bit, but then she ultimately like turned him down and now he is huge. Oh no. I know. And the thing like, uh, I don't, it's not a comedian, but I have someone who not like was nobody, but he wasn't famous.

And then I was like his third favorite New York shorty and then he like blew like he's stupid famous now and it's so

weird cause I'm like damn I'm the bitch who used to fuck ex when I used to be hot he's like you know fucking it's in bed because what do you do

what do you do with your life you're like oh my life is post-ex person it's like i'm i'm i'm chasing dreams and dicks that i i often wonder about the dudes I like hooked up with in bars. If they've seen that I'm like moderately successful. They are. And they're like, they're destroyed. They are devastated. They are devastated. They're devastated.

I always wonder. No, they are devastated. I promise. Delight in that, please. Thank you. I like I remember like boys would hurt my feelings and i would be like i'd be like you done fucked up now because when i'm famous and i finally get a tv set i'ma do a joke about this shit and i'ma say your name i love that you want to say these people's names. You petty as fuck. First of all, when I finally got something that would be on TV,

I didn't forget the nigga's name. Sorry. I'm an N-word user, guys. It's fine. I don't use it because I feel like I sound like I'm hate-cramming myself. I just don't have the voice to pull it off. And I'll tell you something I have spent many of

moments in front of my mirror practicing saying it in case it comes up in a script and I just like wanna be ready it's very embarrassing like you're gonna kill me and I

yeah I do it a lot like alone in my car i'll just i'll like i'm like is this like what white people go through like but like it's okay for me to say it just like driving somewhere secret uh-huh i'm just like oh a red light nigga see it doesn't sound natural or good coming out of my mouth but that's because you don't believe in yourself i can hear it you sound you sound so insecure because it just doesn't sound right you're like you're like i shouldn't nigga and i think it's specifically because i grew up around a bunch of white people who were like, we can't say it. And I was like, but I can. And I guess I don't want to flaunt it.

So I whisper it at home alone. You know, you can't be just out here just throwing around all this money when you have it and no one else does. Yeah, it's rude. I used to be a not N-word sayer. Oh, but it sounds so good coming out of your mouth. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's weird. I didn't grow up around a bunch of white people, but I went to private school in like, I don't know, sixth grade, seventh grade.

And so from seventh grade on, I was in a predominantly white school. And I was like around people who also shouldn't say it and didn't say it to me so I don't want you guys to think that you were just getting called slurs at this private school exactly they write stuff like that on like Gossip Girl but it didn't

happen to me but yeah like I didn't say it I thought it you know made us so undignified to do such a thing. And I don't I don't disagree with the argument still. I just decided that it doesn't matter. And I really like rapping along with like Nicki Minaj and shit. So I guess we say nigga now.

I just wish it flowed out of my mouth more. Sometimes when I sing along to a song, it'll sound natural. And then sometimes in the mirror I'll get one natural one and I'm like okay keep going keep practicing well so my rule for dating is no whites under Trump but truly what happened was I used to date interracially all the time because of my schools and people I was around. I mean, I'm actually offering an explanation like I should, but it did happen a lot. And I started like hooking up with black men a lot more in part because I went natural and white men stopped noticing me completely.

Yeah. But I feel like that's like, I feel like white men love a natural woman. Yes, but I'm a bald natural. I'm not like a big ethnically ambiguous afro natural. I'm a close cropped 4C. Who your barber miss? When I get hollered at on the train.

On the train. Who your barber? Yeah, come on. That's very funny. on the train on the so so who you yeah come on that's very funny it's true for some dude to yell at you

who's your barber who's your barber constantly constantly so as soon as I went natural it was like suddenly

super invisible and so I went natural maybe like when I was 24 like I just was at work and on a whim just like went to the barbershop around the corner from my job and never talked to any of those people.

Just was like, I don't feel like having this anymore. I had a short little Halle Berry kind of cut, like me along on Fresh Prince. And then I shaved it off and then white men didn't notice me anymore at all. And, except for international white men.

Like, Well, international white men love a black woman. With a, with a close due. They don't give a shit what's on your head.

Yes, they into it. Or on your face. They don't care. It's, it was the French and the Germans who were into me after that.

But I used to bag like, ugh, ugh, I'm so embarrassed. Who is this person? I went to Princeton undergrad. And I say undergrad like I went to grad or even finished Princeton because I didn't. But I like. How long were you at Princeton? I was I have I have two and a half semesters left no I did I did but then uh not to get heavy you get sexually assaulted and then suddenly you can't do school it happens it does and it's a very serious thing. And so, you know, niggas got to leave. But before before that, I was dating like baseball players and, you know, dudes who wore like pink polos and went to work for Barclays, the bank, not the NBA stadium.

Not the Barclays Center? Not a janitor at the Barclays Center? not the Barclays Center not a janitor at the Barclays Center and so so like I used to bag guys like that the kind of dudes who would be you know on the bachelor or whatever and then not that fine

no I didn't mean it like that I just meant they dressed similarly no no I get it and I went to high school with people who look like that so then when I started like when I was in New York in my 20s, I'd be like, ah, that's what I saw in high school. That's what I want to date now. Why? You'd be like, I don't know, because you're like, that's what I went to high school with.

So, like, I guess that's what I date. And then you'd be like, oh, I don't want to date someone with a popped collar polo. No, no. And like, it's rude to ask you how old you are 32 or 33 or 34 okay one of those three i don't know anymore well i refuse to remember i you know you're brave because i'm sitting here like 32 way too much well i tried very hard to keep my age off the internet because it affects casting. It's not a vanity thing.

Oh, yeah. And I just don't want to cast a director to go, oh, she looks young, but we know she's older. Do you remember when Nicki Minaj had to lie when she first came out? I think about Nicki Minaj quite a bit. And I'm just realizing. You have mentioned her a couple of times. Twice. Wait, why did she?

She said she was younger or older? Yeah, she said she was younger. Yeah, you have to because then everybody, everyone likes a young woman. Nobody gives a shit about how old men are. But can you imagine being that good at rap and having to decide to lie about your age? Like, like for all of us. I mean, I'm, I have no desire to do any of that on camera shit that you people do. to do any of that on-camera shit that you people do.

I genuinely love all of your views. Because it's not the exact opposite, but it's just so, you're like, oh, I want to write. I have no desire to be on camera. I don't want to do that. Why would I do that? Because, I don't know.

I mean, God bless you. But like, all of that, people looking at you and saying stuff. Yeah, people are very mean. They're so mean. If my mom smiles at me funny, I'm here like in shambles. I'm gonna let whole strangers who don't know me call me ugly. But you get to do fun things. Specifically on Black Lady Sketch Show, there's a scene where I turn around in a chair.

It's real simple, but I'm like moving my feet a lot. And I'm like, you won't clock it unless you're really watching. And it's real dumb. And Dime was like, do you want to do that again normal? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I made a choice. But then she kept the weird one in. That's why I do acting. So I could just go, look at that dumb shit I did.

And you're really good at it. And you're really talented. And I'm probably singing from a very insecure place. But, I don't know. Just screw any. Oh, that's another reason I don't like this city. Because the sun feels oppressive in that way. Where you're just on display. I can never just have a hoodie up and, like, because people are going to think that.

That you're, like, somebody famous. Or no. I was going to be exact opposite. Where they're going to be like, bitch, it's 80 degrees outside. If you hiding like you you you're you're on something but i don't know where are we gonna get where am i gonna get dick i don't know where you're gonna get dick i honestly i will i i i'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that you have a hard time getting dick because you're like a light skinned, beautiful black woman.

That's very nice. And I'm like, not the light skin part. Well, I mean, colorism is a real thing. I just don't like that. That's true. Oh, I'm I'm sorry. I mean, like you could you could do blackface. Be just as dark as me.

No, I just mean I don't like that. It's true that I should have a better shot at it. But I know this is true. I know what I look. You know what I mean? Like, I know that in certain spaces I have privilege. I just hate that that's the truth. So I didn't want it to seem like I was saying thank you for calling me light skin.

You're like, thank you. I am light skin. Thank you. That was what I was saying thank you for calling me light skinned. You're like, thank you, I am light skinned. Thank you. That was what I was trying to clarify. A lot of white people listen to this. I'll tell you something. Colorism is where It's a very big thing.

lighter people are treated just a little bit better than the darker people. A little bit. Well, there's the paper bag test. Okay. If you're lighter than a paper bag, you get to be in the house.

It's crazy. It'll be like, if you're lighter than a paper bag, you get to be in the house. It's crazy. It'll be like, if you lighter than a paper bag, you get to be in a sorority. You get to come eat at this. You be an AKA. I ain't say it. Don't jump me. I ain't say it. There's going to be a bunch of AKAs who are going to come after me.

I just know my cousins, which sorority they were in. You know, okay. That kind of shit. Yeah. Or like my parents are Nigerian and there's a lot of bleaching and skin that goes on. And and I'm not a skin bleacher. I just happen to be this color. And it's wild how differently people not.

Well, yeah, differently. And they comment a lot. You would. It's sad. Well, it's interesting because you get to hear more of it than I do, I feel like. What do you mean? I don't think people comment on skin color around me. At all.

Because I'm dark. So it's just like, you're dark. And then I feel like when you're lighter, sometimes people will be like, oh, because you're mixed or whatever. And it's like, no, I'm not mixed. Not at all. My mom was very light. My mom was like a little lighter than you. And then my dad was, take him out at night and you'll lose him. mom was very light my mom was like a little lighter than you and then my dad was take him out at night you lose him uh he was very dark and my mom used to tell me she was like oh i

would pray that you and your sister came out the same color yeah because she was like i don't want one of my kids to be treated better than the other like that's so interesting i have an older brother who we have the same face me and him and my mom we all have the same face, me and him and my mom, we all have the same face. And my brother is like, we like wouldn't even shop the same makeup brand. You know? And he's so much darker than I am. And it's wild. He's a man, so fortunately for him, it's not treated with the same disdain.

Like people really, really don't fuck with dark-skinned women. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's wild. It's really bad. I'm like, why? Because, you know, the teaching you to hate is, like, it's, you know, like, I am aware of the privilege that I have as a light-skinned woman. So when even black dudes don't like me, I'm like,

what are y'all really? Oh, you don't even like light-skinned bitches out here. Damn. It's like, what exactly do you want? Just want to thank

our sponsor for this episode, BET's Twenties. Your Twenties are a work of art. I don't think I can move back to New York unless I had a stupid amount of money. Yeah.

Like stupid. But I know how to be a broke stripper in New York, so I'll be good. I know how to do that. And I've won settlement money, and I have more settlement money coming. What? For these strip clubs. Wait, you sued a strip club? No, I didn't. I joined a class

action lawsuit. Oh. I've joined several at this point. I just like the image of you on your computer searching for class action lawsuits and signing up for them. Like, that's how I'll get paid. I wish that that was what it was because that'd be a better story but they're apparently there are all these labor laws that these strip clubs are violating and you know the whole thing I told you they take all these fees they call us independent contractors and they treat us like full-time workers and so they don't give you health insurance which is so stupid yep and so all of these like i won settlement money from like one of the biggest

chains in the country because they were doing it and then all the like actually the like one of the biggest money making hottest bitches in there started a lawsuit really i quit the place owing them money because i couldn't afford i wasn wasn't making enough money. But some girl who was taking in Mad Bank sued him. She was like, I should be making more. Yeah, she was like, I should be a millionaire. I love that. I love it too. I love that.

Like, it's so wild to me that the clubs make so much money when it's like these women are like literally breaking their bodies. Yeah, it's breaking their bodies. And as much as it doesn't look like it, especially when you see like an Amber Rose or Cardi B or whatever make it and then you see all the videos

like a Blac Chyna, people raining money on them. People think strippers make way more than they do and they actually make below minimum wage most strippers annually. If you just,

but cash feels fast, you know? Yes. And when you're dumb and you're in your youth and oh my god my whole thing was always like i would always pretend that i was paying for school i'm just paying for school you guys that's what you would tell dudes oh yeah i was trying to be like the intellect i was trying to be the intellectual stripper did you wear glasses no I didn't do that

I should oh my god that's my favorite like fuck you for for meeting me fucking eight years late and then like

like soft curls in their hair and they're like I'm just like paying for school I'm like you're so innocent why weren't you

my stripper manager I could have done it I would have loved to have done it. Wait, I would have gotten you paid too. Oh my God. I love getting money from people. You should have,

wait, so then, okay, so you wasn't stripping. What were you doing? In my early twenties, I worked in a clothing store. I worked at Lane Bryant.

Oh, which one? The one on 34th. It's closed now. It one on 34th was closed now it was on 34th between 5th and Broadway oh I got excited cause my mom used to take me with her to the one in downtown Brooklyn in Fulton Mall

yes and so I just got really fond memories damn girls were rough they would send me over there and I'd be like I don't fit in here cause they'd always be like you weird as fuck and I'm like no I'm sorry were they were they were they mean yes sometimes they would be so mean to me but I get it like I am a very strange person like I fully understand it I would like dance in the aisles like I have always been just like marching to the beat of my own drum

that I'm making the sound for out loud. You're just like doing fucking characters with the leopard bras or whatever. Yeah. And then like we would, they would like have us try to get people to sign up for these awful credit cards. So the credit card truly like the APR on it was so shitty, it was like you would never pay this down.

Do you know that I'm so bad with money, I don't know what APR means. It is annual percentage rate? No. That's gotta be it. Someone will correct me. And someone is gonna be mad at me for not knowing that. It is annual percentage rate? Thank you, Mars!

Yes! But yeah, it is annual percentage rate thank you mars yes uh but yeah it's like uh the percentage that you pay like annual i don't know okay also like the interest and stuff okay so it's like if you spend a hundred dollars on the card and you paid the minimum the minimum would make it up in interest in the apr so like you would just be barely paying off this yeah yeah okay but like standard payday loan type shit. Yes. Got it. But Lane Bryant wanted you to get these cards.

Keep these little fat ladies in debt. So me and my early 20s. And me how you doing your own people like that. Yes. That's fucked up. Yes. My own little fatties. They'd be like, come on, do you want a card?

And then finally I was like, if you get the card, pay it off in full today. If you were going to buy it on your debit card or your actual credit card where you get points or something, pay it off. And then I got in trouble.

Wow, they fired you for giving game? That's corny. That's corny. Fuck them. Ugh, Lane Bryant.

Wait, so were you, did you ever like, so I'm very fascinated. I was about to say something. You can say it. Can I say it? Yes.

Okay, so I have not fucked for money as a stripper or in general. I have not fucked for money. I want to be clear. I have not fucked for money. Not that it be clear. I have not fucked for money. Not that it's a bad thing. I didn't do it. The way you came up on the mic. I just wanted,

I was just like, oh my God, my mom don't even know how to do Patreon or whatever, but I have not fucked for money. Bonus episode. Are you asking if I fucked for money? No, no, no, I wasn't gonna ask I was gonna ask

Have you met anybody? Cause I Was saying like having a public face at job Do you smash people you met at work? And then I realized What saying that about myself implicated And I have smashed people I met at stripping work, but I didn't smash them because I met them at stripping work.

So you were having sex for free. Yes. But you were meeting them at a place where maybe they would pay for it. Yes. And I wanted to make that distinction clear before I asked you in your not stripper job if you've met people at work and smashed them. When I worked at Lane Bryant, I would meet a lot of creepy boyfriends. So, like, she'd be in the fitting room. He can't be in the fitting room.

He'd be like, so the panties here are big. That's nice. And you're like, OK, my my friend you gotta stop talking to me and one time i was this was like i was 21 or 22 but i was walking to lane bryant my job at the time and this man stopped me he was like you are gorgeous and i was like me he was like yes are you a model and i was like me and he was like you should be a model for my website and i said oh okay nervous hands me the business cards for bustybabydolls.com and i was like what's bustybabydolls.com i was like also i'm not busty and then got home opened

my dell computer up because i had a big crunchy dell and go to www.bustybabydolls.com and it's fully porn. And I was like, oh, no, he wants me to do porn. And I never responded to him, but I still have the business card. Well, so first of all, love that you still have the business card. Is it like laminated? Did you put it up somewhere? No, I just have. I've kept it in your wallet.

No, it's not in my wallet. It's like on my dresser. And it's just been in like a cup for the last decade of my life. Okay. That's amazing. One, two. Why didn't you do bustybabydolls.com? I think I was.

Okay. It was. Okay. I had never seen like BBW porn. Okay. And I had never, I knew that fat women got fucked. I just didn't know if it ever happened on camera. And it was shocking.

I remember being so scandalized. I was like, I can't believe. And then like, I still hadn't accepted my body yet. And I couldn't believe that these women were fully naked and fucking on camera. I was like, this is nuts. What were you feeling? Were you feeling negative feelings? It wasn't negative.

Were you feeling confusion? Wonderment. And a little bit of confusion. That's so dope. And then I went to work the next day and I was like, oh, he's a little fat, he's fucked. I was like, she fucks? I almost just said someone's name. But I was like, thank God I had the wherewithal to not say that name.

Yeah. But yeah, it was very interesting. So now, do you start walking with a little more swag? Sometimes I do. I was just in Italy, and the Italian men loved me. So then I got back here, and I was like, you bitches aren't shit. I'm the shit. But it was weird.

So it was very much an awakening, because I never got hit on in high school. I never had a boyfriend in high school. I didn't have sex until I was like 21 or 19, 20. Wait, those are three ages. And are you trying to throw off everybody who's not sure if you're 31 to 36? No, I actually don't know. Okay.

Why did you? Was it drunkenly? I lost it very drunk in a restaurant where I later got a job at. They say don't fuck where you eat, but they never said don't fuck where you work later. And I honestly cannot pick the man out of a lineup. Like his name was Elvis. And that was the first man named Elvis I fucked.

Wait. I fucked two Elvis's in my 20s. You lying. There are no people named, there are not even two Elvises. Two. Wait, in the same state? New York City. You fucked two Elvises.

Two Elvises in New York City. So I went to elementary school with an Elvis in New York City. Oh my God, I wonder if it's the same person. Did you smash the same Elvis? He grew up to be. Will you bleep this out, Mars? It's going to be one long bleep. Here, use this sound. Boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-bo the well the first the second Elvis was who I just said the first Elvis was Arabic he was some

sort of tan he was not white and he was not black a common South American name oh maybe he was South American or Latino I've like I know that there are Elvis's out there in the world. But Arabic is blowing my mind. He was brown, tannish. He had long, curly hair, I think. I'd have to ask my friend Evan, who was like, are you sure you want to do this? I was like, let me in the bathroom. What?

You like fucking in the bathroom. I fucked him in the bathroom. Truly, if I in the bathroom you fucked him in a bathroom uh truly if i could go back in time i would say wait for a bed at the very least wait for a bed wait for him to buy at least two drinks oh he only bought the one i think he bought one if that if that yeah and it was very did you decide there was something special about him or you just felt like we gotta do it tonight honestly if i remember correctly he was trying to leave the bar and i was like you're cute he was like you're cute and he was like do you want to make out and i said yes and then all of a sudden we were going to the bathroom and my friend evan

was like i think no and i was like get your fucking face out of my business wait so you so you so evan uh-huh was the barrier between you and your broken hymen uh-huh yeah and it was like all he had to do please don't do this all he had to do. Please don't do this. All he had to do was stop you from going to that mess. That's all he had to do. And now Elvis owns your hymen. Elvis broke my little hymen. Yeah, and it was also quick. Oh, wait. It was so quick.

Because, like, we were drunk. You were drunk. You were probably, he was probably, like, 21, too. Something like that. Okay. And I remember after it was done, 21 too something like that okay and i remember after being like after it was done i was like that's it that's what people make a big deal about i know isn't that isn't that i was just thinking about this the other day like honestly i i'm so angry

at how much terrible sex i was having oh yeah for such a fucking long time. I would say I just started having good sex two years ago. I was like sleeping with someone on and off for three years that was like very good but they were a very bad person. So like that was a good sex I was having in my 20s but like theoretically it was not because it was attached to a bunch of baggage.

Yes. But like baggage free good sex I did not start having until two years ago. Yeah. There's no it's it doesn't it doesn't come like the best sex in my life is truly the most toxic person I can ever think. Really? No, truly. And he's a hotep dude. do you do a hotep a hotep what is that a hotep is one it's like egyptian shit well yes so it sort of comes from that i think the slur people they'll call it a slur but it's just super woke to the point that they're psycho like they're they're like you know conspiracy theoried out we were all kings in africa kind of thing but weren't we no we wasn't all kings that's not how monarchy works you're fully right

some of us think there were lots of feudal states you know but like you know just like that type of shit and toxic, also human. I've learned in retrospect that I think they call people like that malignant narcissist and the best dick I ever got ever, ever, ever, ever. I still think about it.

And that shit ended years ago. still think about it. And that shit ended years ago. And I, it's, it's wrong that men don't learn how to think about whether or not a woman is feeling pleasure until well into their twenties, probably their thirties. And so,

yeah, like there's a bunch of us just out in these streets being 20 something and taking bad dick with regularity. And it's terrible. I just did a show at a college where I hadn't taken my ADD medicine. So I was truly just bouncing all over the place. And I got into a tangent where I was like, you have to eat women out. And for like, I don't know, a good like three minutes.

You need to. You have to. And like, tell your friends no tell them go down on women ask women if they're okay ask them if they're enjoying this that's not an ADD thing that is a telling

the truth thing and if anything your ADD meds was hating and trying to keep you from getting the truth out to your girls like maybe but uh yeah it's astonishing how just And trying to keep you from getting the truth out to your girls. Maybe. It's astonishing how just generally speaking, we're not encouraged to explore our bodies or even consider that we should be having sex for our own pleasure. And that's a hard thing to learn by yourself when you're in your 20s. And then, I don't know, what happened to me was I think maybe I was like 26 or something.

And I read an article. It was older, but I was that age. And I read an article somewhere where Halle Berry said that she uses her fingers when she's fucking because she will never make the mistake of letting it be the man's responsibility to make her cum ever again. And it changed my fucking life. I mean, yeah. Changed it.

Listen, like fucking, like, yeah, make sure you cum when you're having sex. There is some dude or woman or whomever is your partner. But I'm talking about straight relationships in particular at the moment because they are a special breed of not giving a fuck about whether or not you come. Uh huh. So but like truly that I don't even know how i stumbled upon it what brought me there but i love it it really is like the difference maker honestly yeah i think if i could go back and like tell 20s nicole anything it would be like make sure you come make sure you come i've never lied about coming i have i've lied oh fuck yeah i have faked wow so many orgasms i just don't know when it would

happen like at the end in the middle when are you going oh i don't when i don't want it no more you're done you have to be done this is too good it's more like you gotta stop I'm so sensitive no I just like I'll be like ooh yeah that was fun You got to stop. I'm so sensitive. No, I just like, I'll be like, ooh, yeah, that was fun.

Did you come? No. Oh, you never were afraid to say that. No, if you're going to ask me if I came, you deserve the answer. You told the truth. Yes. But now, I guess this started maybe two years ago three years ago I'm like I will if you don't go down on me I'll rub one out myself I'll like if you're not doing the business I'll start doing the business so then you get the idea that you gotta do the business and men in particular

get very so like not self-conscious but they it's like the Halle Berryism where she's like I'll play with myself so I'm like making myself come but like when you start doing that like okay Amber Rose taught me this okay what did Amber Rose Amber Rose said uh when you are on your knees blowing a dude prop one foot up and start rubbing your clit because then they get like excited that like you're getting yourself and them off and then they'll probably go down on you like immediately after it has worked every time almost every time holy shit like because i mean they get excited they're like oh uh you're doing something i never thought of doing oh my god oh that okay okay because okay because when i I meant my finger, I meant like during penetration.

Anytime. Making sure. Okay. Any old time. Because that was the thing I didn't learn. I used to be a stripper, so this is going to sound, well, actually probably won't sound like anything, but I was raised by Nigerian Muslims. So there wasn't a lot of liberal conversation about sex or like female pleasure or, you know, demanding respect for men, you know, that kind of stuff. A lot of like, yeah, your niggas probably gonna treat you terrible.

I mean, honestly, that's what black women are taught. Yeah, no, he's gonna treat you terrible. All of us are like, just, you you know you stay there because that's what you do yeah you made a commitment to him you stay no it was crazy like I wasn't even in relationships with people or and no one is trying to get me to go back to my terrible habits so I don't even know if I'm better now I just know I'm not doing things I'm not doing the same things because I'm not doing anything at all. But like there was a lot of like not expecting better for myself because, you know, I wasn't successful in the way that I wanted to be or whatever. And so I would like hook up with a lot of guys who were doing well, who were doing fine. Oh. And but because I had certain standards

because I know what the expectations had been for me. I did well in school. I had gone to Princeton. We all thought I was going to be a lawyer. And so I was dating people. Not dating. I was getting fucked terribly by people who were on similar tracks or who had done the thing that I was expected to do. or who had done the thing that I was expected to do.

And there was a lot of, like, not demanding he made me cum because I didn't deserve an orgasm from a person who had done the thing I had failed at doing. Or, like, I did a lot of sticking with people who had treated me terribly because there wasn't going to be anybody else who would want me at all. So I would just take it what I would get. And I think I learned that not just as a person who had been derailed at school or whatever, but also it was like a, like, I feel like I learned blackly, like I learned as a black woman, you stick with an ancient person or a person who's terrible because nobody else is coming along to get you.

I feel like we are just pummeled with that kind of shit every day. Yeah. But the older I get, the more I'm like, somebody else will come. And if not, you're doing okay. Where did you find that?

Cause I'm still looking for it a little bit. I'm not gonna lie i talk about relationships ad nauseum uh during this podcast and therapy i've been in therapy for like two two and a half years yeah is your therapist a black woman she is not she is a pretty woke white woman oh see i'm nervous i'm my well she brought up like trauma that we hold just inherently like it never occurred to me that like a lot of black people you know beat their kids because that has been trickled down that's how you keep people in line yeah of course of course uh the stakes are too high occurred to me yeah oh it didn't no so she would say a lot of things like that that i was

like oh shit okay and then she's like a lot of things like that, that I was like, oh, shit. OK. And then she's like pretty well read in like the black experience. And she whenever we speak, she'll be like, I'm not trying to tell you what you're feeling, but I think maybe it comes from X, Y and Z. There's like a reverence and understanding. Yes. Because the one time I had a white woman therapist, she was also a mask-presenting lesbian. Okay. So I was like,

okay, you're twice a minority because you're a woman and you're queer. You might be relatable. And she was. She told me the best thing, actually. So I had gotten sexually assaulted

at school, lost my mind, stopped, like, going to class, just terrible. And I we were seeing each other and I was in an interracial relationship and there was a lot wrong with it. And it had like really just put me in a bad place. a bad place. And she told me that, and no one in my black life had ever told me this because I don't think anybody in my black life and my black dating interracially life at the time had ever thought long enough about me or black people enough to say this. But she was just like, you're the black person. You're the person of color in your

relationship. You're the one in danger. They're trying to bring you into their world. They're not meeting you. They're trying to bring you into a world that you both know is hostile to you. It is his obligation to take care of you always and take more care of you than you need to take care of him damn and i've never forgotten that in my life i will never i will never forget it and i think i was like 20 i don't think i really took her in but i also am mind blown because i would never have expected that it was a white person who would tell me that and that they would be so like right and like be understanding. But I think it's because, you know, I don't know much about her personal life. They're not supposed to tell you.

But I imagine she encountered having to cross over into sort of more straight or heteronormative situations that would have been dangerous for her but yeah like that's why like when people are i have a lot of black friends who are very insistent on like i need a black therapist i'm like i think you just need someone to talk to and in the you know the middle of you finding that perfect black therapist you can talk to a white person because sometimes they do understand your journey. So while I'm on this journey, I can see other bitches? Yes, bitch. See some other bitches.

Right. Truly, I have enjoyed talking to you so much. I have too. You're a blast. Just want to thank our sponsor for this episode, BET's 20s. 20 centers around a queer aspiring screenwriter, Hattie, and then her two

straight best friends, Marie and Nina, as they try to pursue professional dreams while testing the limits of diversity, equality, and inclusion

in Los Angeles while they live separate lives. The girls lean on each other for guidance as they navigate a chaotic time of life. Your 20s are a work of art.

Check out 20s on BET starting March 4th. Search and post on social with the hashtag 20s on BET. Oh, wait. Would you date me? Yeah, I think so. I don't like women, but I would date you. Thank you.

If I were into women, I fucks with it. I fucks with you. Thank you. You're smart and you're funny. Oh, my God. Do you have anything you want to promote? No, just promote my self-esteem so that we can get it to a livable place. Ray Sani on Twitter.

I'll find out where I live and make moves there. Find out where I live? I don't know. Don't tell these people that. No, I said I'll find out where I live. I'll figure out. Whether it's New York or LA. Okay. I truly was like, please don't tell these strangers to find where you live no no no they'll do it i no please don't i can't fight please don't well if you like this episode of

why won't you date me you can subscribe you can like it you can rate it if you send me something nasty i'll read it this person said i need you to ride me like a skateboard stand on me in the street i don't know why stand on me in the street is so funny so funny and also so they're just under you looking at your labia in the middle of Sunset Boulevard. I guess. This is wonderful. Here's another one. Dear Nicole, if I was a man, I would thrust my penis so far inside that juicy puss that I would get lost in your wet vaginal canals and die there. I would come back as a ghost and live inside your body, tickling your clit at random, random times until you scream. What a treat.

What a dream. Love the podcast. All you do. Please read this and pretend I'm not a minor. What? No. Oh, no. FBI.

I got shit to do with that. Oh, no. I showed up. I hope you're an adult. Oh, boy. I really hope you're an adult. Oh boy, I really hope you're an adult. All right, bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.