Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Breaking Up (w/ Paul F. Tompkins)

Episode Date: September 27, 2019

"I was at a point where I was like... I never sorta played the field and had fun. I'm gonna do that now."Paul F. Tompkins (Between Two Ferns: The Movie, Threedom podcast) discusses how he met his wife, having fun in his thirties, and if you should break up over the phone. Plus, Nicole had sex and is very excited to share all about it.You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! How are you guys? First, before I bring out my guest, is Robin here? A woman named Robin who has been sick. Hi, Robin. I got your message on Instagram. Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you so much for messaging me.

And I really hope that you have a very speedy recovery. You're welcome. Okay. Now we'll talk about dicks. Okay. My guest today, he has two podcasts called Freedom, The Neighborhood Listen. You also know him from Room 104, BoJack Horseman, DuckTales, American Dad, Bajillion Dollar Properties,

Bob's Burgers, so many things. It's Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Thank you so much for being here. Nicole, thank you for having me. Oh, no problem. You were my top choice. You were. They gave me a list and I said, ooh. Is that true?

Yes. I'm very flattered. I think you are so funny and it's a real treat to talk to you. It's nice to talk to you. Oh, boy. Okay, so. Sorry, one second. Can we get the house lights turned

even higher up? Is there any way to make the lights go down? Just so the audience feels more comfortable. Right. The whole point of being in the audience is being anonymous. Yes. Although I did call out a nice lady.

You knew in advance she would be here. That's a different situation. It would have been really fucked up if she wasn't. Absolutely. So no movement on those lights? Okay. No, I guess not. So that's not going to happen? Maybe they think it's a bit.

There we go. Better, right? Yeah, right? Okay. Paul, are you comfortable now? I feel great. Okay. So, Paul, you are not a single man. No, I am not. I've been married for almost 10 years now.

Whoa! That's a decade. Nicole, it's one-tenth of a century. Oh, boy. We're on our way. Oh, boy, don't do that to me. I once, I may have told this story on the podcast, but I once was talking to my friend Tess and her husband Stephen,

and I was like, Tessie, I've known you for so long. She was like, yeah, 10 years. I was like, that's almost a decade. And I was driving, and both of them were dead silent. And they both have kids, and Tessie turns to me and goes nicole do you know what a decade is and i was like i don't know 12 years and she was like no and i was like 13 and then then her husband goes that's a that's a baker's decade so now i have a tattoo of a piece of cake that says a baker's decade on me. Because I'm dumb.

Do you ever panic when people ask you questions? All the time. But what I've gotten better at is not just putting in an answer where I don't know something. And actually I have to take a beat and say, you don't know the answer to this question. So say that you don't know and you will learn something. But my default for forever and still, it's like I have to, it's a real effort is to just go, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. I'm not left out. I do that uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. I do that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I'll just make up an answer, and then sometimes people won't go, really? And then they leave thinking that's the answer, and then I'm responsible for spreading stupidity.

Whatever, I can't be bothered. Wait, so, okay, you've been married for a decade. That's 10 years. So how did you meet your wife? We met through mutual friends. I was part of a group of people. We had overlapping friends, but we hadn't met yet. We would get together on early Sunday evenings to have to have like a little sort of like uh salon if you will we would have some drinks and just like kind of talk about whatever okay it was like a last little thing before the week started so you and your

friends do hair like we would do each other's hair and of course bras got frozen um uh and we so we would just like kind of hang out and and talk and it was a really nice thing and and one night my future wife uh who was sort of seeing one of the guys in this in this group um she arrived as i was about to leave, and I was struck by her immediately, and so I stayed a little bit longer to talk to her. And that was the beginning, yeah. That's so cute. But then we did not start seeing each other right away. We went on a date after that that she still insists she did not know was a date. But it's like we were grown people, you know what I mean?

And it's like, why would I be? what I mean and it's like why would I be hi fellow adult let's hang out as friends I just met you people do this no why is he doing that there's a clap this person is doing it people okay so gay men DM

me all the time and I learned through my therapist that you don't assume people's gender orientation or sexual orientation. True. You just wait for them to tell you. So a lot of gay men will be like, let me take you on a date. So then I have to be like, platonic date or fuck date. And

they're like, platonic, I'm gay. And I'm like, I don't want more friends. You said date. Yeah, exactly. I'm good. I'm 30. There was an e article that said my my age twice i'm 33 i'm 33 thank you e i know now yeah but i'm 33 i got all the friends i need i don't want any more i just want a forever dick or puss don't care. Just the forever is something to play with. I feel like when you get to a certain age,

and I understand this can be different for different people, but that you meet people more organically after a certain point where it's like the way you accrue new friends is I got a new job or I met somebody through somebody else. And now we hang. Now we're friends on our own as opposed to just being friends in a group or something. Do you know what I mean? And so when she was saying,

I didn't know it was a date. It was like, we have met once and we were kind of like flirty and stuff. You know what I mean? Like I was, it's hard to tell. Yeah. Sometimes people are nice to you and you're like,

they're in love with me or they're, you know, or someone's nice. You're like, what a nice person. But then they are in love with you and you're like, I don't want it. It's all,

it's very confusing. That's fair. Can I tell you a story about somebody I just met organically? Okay. So I just, okay. I just fucked and I, I, it is so nice when a group of strangers clap for that. Yeah.

Because I told this to my therapist yesterday and she went, Nicole, that's so great. I'm so, I'm so happy for you. And I was like, Mary, thank you. She's like, no, really. I'm so happy for you. And I was like, Mary, thank you. She's like, no, really, I'm so happy for you. I think it's because she knows how horny I am all the time. So I was in Houston. This was to the Wednesday of last week. And I...

Not even close to a decade. No, no. Yes. Not even close. That really got me. I'm in Houston and I started selling merch because it makes a meet and greet a little bit better because there's an activity to do when you're talking to people. And it's hustling, it's making money. But I don't know.

I like have shirts and I want the world to wear them. Uh, so I carry it with me in two, uh, 60 pound suitcases. So I'm carrying 120 pounds. Absolutely. It's crazy. So before that I took these 120 pound suitcases to the rental car center only to find out that my license was expired and nobody gives you a car. So then I had to go back to the airport to get an Uber. And then as I was crying, I was like, you did this to yourself. It's very easy to renew a license. Also, I just put my license plate on my car.

That was so easy. After how long? Four years. Four years! And I kept getting pulled over and they were like, this car is not new. And I'm like, I know. I just like the dealer plates. It made me feel cool.

But it's hot. It's too smooth. It took me five minutes. I paid so much money in tickets. So anyway. So I'm in Houston and I'm struggling to get these suitcases in the elevator and there's this guy on the phone.

And I was like, ah, another man who will not help me. So then I get on the elevator and he gets on the elevator and he says, oh, I should help you. And I was like, I'm on the elevator. And he goes, no, to your room. And I was like, you don't have to. And then I pressed seven. He's like, I'm on seven too.

And I was like, all right, help me. So then he takes both suitcases and he goes, I'm strong. Also, he's Eastern European. He lives in Malaysia. And he's in Houston on business. So he carries my heavy suitcases to my room. My key card doesn't work. And I was like, oh, no.

So then he goes, let's put them in my room. And I said, okay. This is a fucking romantic comedy. Are you sure that you did not see a movie on the plane? I did it. You fell asleep and purpose happened to you? No, I was on WestJet. There were no anemones.

Amenities? Amenities? Amenities, yeah. I said it wrong the first time. I said, anemones. There's no anemones. There's no anemones. It's not underwater.

Truly, I don't even know if we were on a plane. It was a bus in the sky. Just hanging onto the strap. Yeah, just hanging. So then my key card doesn't work, and we put the bags in his room. He takes me to the front desk. We get a new key card. At this point, I was like, why is this man babysitting me?

But then we take the elevator back, and then as i'm getting the bags out of my room he goes we should have wine and i was like oh i was like but i have to go record a podcast so i was like okay i will be back in 45 minutes i have to make a quick phone call so then i record my podcast with my friend marcy which is a 90 day fiance recap podcast because it's the funniest show on television. This last week, a white woman was getting her hair braided in Nigeria, talking about getting swindled by cake.

It was, I don't think I've laughed harder. So anyway, I was like, Marcy, can we do this tomorrow? She said, no.

I said, okay. So I, she said, I've never spoken faster. She was like, she was like she was like you weren't listening

you were like ha ha ha yes but I was like I have to get this Eastern European dick that lives in Malaysia so then

I go back to his room bang bang on the door and I'm holding a bottle of wine I was like I'm ready and then he was like oh I was about to fall asleep I was like

did you he was like no so then I'm getting over something. Dallas got me sick. So then he was like, let's bring your suitcases to your room. So we bring the suitcases to my room.

We start having wine. We talk for like 45 minutes. He's really funny, really kind, really nice. And I was like, this is going great. And then he's like, I'm sleepy. And I was like, what? We're not going to fuck? And then he gets up to leave sleepy and i was like what we're not gonna fuck and then he gets up to leave and i was like oh no i talk fast for no reason i could have taken my time on my

podcast so then he like turns around and kisses me and i was like oh my god it's happening and then he was like do you have a condom and i said oh no because i stopped carrying condoms with me because i had two bad experiences on the road. And I was like, I don't fuck on the road anymore. But I guess I should have them just in case. Because he was like, I don't have them with me. And I was like, where are they? He was like, in my room.

And I was like, okay, where's your key card? And then we couldn't find his key card. And truly, we were like two little cartoons throwing clothes in the air trying to find his shit. So then I go in his room, find the condom, find it. We put it on, and then we fucked so good. It was so nice, Paul.

Thank you. Thank you. I'll never see him again. This is a triumph. Right? It's a triumph. And then afterwards he said, I never do this. And I was like, okay. I don't care. I don't

care. I don't care. This was great. You had a lovely dick. Oh boy, it was great. Oh, and then at one point during the sex he looks at me and goes, this is like a porn. And I was like, I said, what do you mean? He goes, Eastern European guy

and a beautiful black woman. And he was right. It is. Because then I put that into Pornhub and there was things. There was a video that I watched. It wasn't great. After he left, you're like, wait a minute.

Let's see if this checks out. Imagine I put that in Pornhub and it was just us. And I was like, oh no! It's like Porn Now. Porn Now. He's going live to Pornhub. My confidence is a porn. I just really wanted to tell that story.

About meeting people organically. Organically. So after the first date With your now wife Who didn't realize it was a date When did you confirm that that was indeed a date And then start dating When I asked her for

A second date And she said well I am sort of casually seeing someone And it just got a little more serious So I Have to say no. So it's like, okay, so you kind of knew it was a date. Then we didn't date again until the following year where we kind of were put into each other's orbit again.

And we had kind of a flingy sort of summer. But then I was at a point where I was like, you know what? I never sort of played the field and had fun and stuff like that. I'm going to do that now. I'm in my 30s, which is like, no one wants that. No one wants some dude. Because the women that were my age were not looking to do that. Do you know what I mean?

So I was dating a couple of different women. Older or younger or in the same age? In the same age bracket, you know, like maybe a couple of years younger or my same age. And so it was obvious. And one of them was my future wife. And so she, I think it started to get more serious for her. And for me, it was like, I'm not,

I'm on a different path, you know? And so I told her that and she was like, okay, dude. Um, then the following year we started, we came into each other's orbit again.

And for whatever reason, we started hanging out a lot just as friends. And that's what did it was that i we really got to know each other as people and i was in a i was in a much better place thanks to therapy and we uh we just sort of we really got to know each other and then i realized like oh i really have feelings for this person what is this cartoon arrangement i was at this gigantic cork. I was told a jug of water would be on stage, but I didn't think it was an actual jug of water with a

cork. Yeah, I thought it would be a picture. I didn't realize there was going to be this Smurf situation. I've never seen a cork this big. Also, I thought only wine got corked. I guess it's anything you don't want bugs to get into. Huh. Is that why wine is corked?

Bugs love it. They love it. Wait, really? Oh, man. If I had not asked really, I would have been repeating that all over the world. Did you know wine is corked because bugs love wine? Bugs are always drunk.

Have you seen the way they fly? They're hammered. I mean, yes. Like a fly could be a drunk. Yeah. Like people bat them away and they're like, no, no, no. They're throwing up all the time. You're going to hear what I have to say.

Absolutely. So you got to know your wife for like a year before you started dating. Kind of. Like officially dating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was, we were just in different places until we were in the same place. That makes sense. Yeah. And then how long were you engaged?

Who proposed? Tell me about your proposal. We were dating for five years, I guess, before we got married. We moved in together. Started dating in 2005. Mo moved in together in 2008. And then I got a job that took me to New York and we had just moved in together. And so there was a discussion about,

well, do you stay here and I go and then we do visitations, you know, or whatever on the weekends. Or do you come with me? And, you know, because it was at a strange point in our relationship. And so we decided, but I think we both knew that we were committed and we were headed that way, you know.

And so she came with me and it was a real, I feel like that absolutely, any doubt cemented our relationship because it was a real trial by fire because it was a huge adjustment going from, New York is hard to live in. Yeah. It's very hard to live in, especially if you've lived in LA for a long time. Oh yeah. Like I grew up in Philadelphia, but going from there, going from the east to the west,

you get used to a certain lifestyle in the west. There's so much more room. There's so much more space. And you can go grocery shopping normally. Yeah. You like take your car, you load up your car and you go home. Like a human being. As opposed to New York where you're like, got to get my granny cart out.

Yeah. I'm going to roll it down six flights of stairs. Yeah. I'm going to walk six blocks to fairway. I'm going to load up that cart and then struggle up the stairs. Or it's like, this will be an endurance test.

I'll see how much can I carry in two bags. I have two hands. I'll see what are the limits of my strength and emotional stability. Yeah, New York is so hard. I lived on a six-floor walk-up,

and if I forgot something, it stayed up there. Or I would text my friends and we faced the street so my roommate would throw things down at me. Once my keys got stuck in the tree and the whole neighborhood came out to help.

They were like, ah, damn girl, that sucks. So like people were like throwing shoes and shit. My roommate was throwing other things down. It was very stupid. Watch out.

Here comes a pan. I'm trying to throw wide things. So wait, how long were you guys in New York together? One year. Okay, that's like enough. Yeah, and then we came back to L.A. and, you know, I proposed to her while we were in New York. Oh.

And then we waited because we wanted to get... Don't skip. What was the proposal? The proposal was... All right. We were in... We were on Sullivan's Island, South Carolina, which is where she grew up.

It was around Christmas time. And I knew that I wanted to propose to her there because she... I fell in love with that place the first time. She took me there. Her family's still there because she, I fell in love with that place the first time she took me there. Her family's still there. And so I said, okay, what I'm going to try to do is recreate the first time she took me there. So we, I had to get her to this certain spot. Uh-huh. And so my excuse was, um, hey, let's

uh, let's go out and see, uh, just like ride around and see everybody's Christmas lights. Mm-hmm. And it worked. Like, she's like, fine. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, because we were with her family. She was bored enough. She said, fine. Yeah. She was like, yeah, sure. She honestly was like that.

It was like, yeah, okay. I'm literally doing nothing else. So we go out and we're driving around. No one has Christmas lights out. And so I had to get her to this place called the Sand Dunes Club, which is where we parked and went to the beach the first time. And so the first time she took me there, it was summer. It was Fourth of July weekend. She was like, let's go to the beach. And so the first time she took me there, it was summer. It was 4th of July

weekend. She's like, let's go to the beach. And so it's nighttime. We park at the sand dunes club. We walk down the beach path and it's like a full moon on the ocean. It's beautiful. And so I, I would trying to recreate that experience. So we parked at the sand dunes club. There's no moon. park at the sand dunes club there's no moon it's winter we we walk out in pitch black like with our phones we get to the beach it's freezing and the wind is just whipping at our faces and i'm like okay let's let's go back and so we start walking back and i go into my speech i only have prepared the first sentence and And I say, you know, this year has been really amazing. And she cuts me off and says, no, I know you got that job that you wanted. And, you know, I'm like, give me just let me.

I'm not talking about myself. Give me, just let me, I'm not talking about myself. And so I just kind of go into from the heart, like what she meant to me and, and, you know, what our lives together have been like. And so we get back to the parking lot and I pull the ring out of my pocket. It was my, my, uh, mother's engagement ring. Um, and she had died a couple of years before. Um, and it was in the original box and everything because my parents had a

loveless marriage. And so that was in a drawer somewhere. It was very easy grab and go. So I pull out the ring and she covers her face and turns away from me.

And I, in that second, panicked so badly. So I was like, oh, no, this is like a thing you hear about where the person realizes I can't spend my life with you. And then she turns back and she says, of course, yes. And then we went out and celebrated and uh we went to a we went to a restaurant on the on the beach um and we get we get champagne and then we started just texting people and so if you saw us we look like the biggest assholes in the world just two people with champagne just like looking at their phones, texting. That's so funny. I like that you tried to recreate something magical from the summer in the winter.

Yeah. I love a proposal like that because you thought about it, just not fully. Yeah. But it's so sweet. And it's like, it's one of those things where it's like, truly, it is the thought that counts. Yeah, absolutely. That's so fucking cute. And I got to meet your wife and I'd only really seen her on Instagram.

And I think I said that to her. I was like, I like you so much. I know you from the internet. And she very much was like, thank you. I'm insane. Do you remember your first girlfriend? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I didn't have a girlfriend until my junior year of high school.

Okay. And her name was Nancy. And we met through doing the school plays together. And we dated for, you know, that school year pretty much. And I'd never had a girlfriend before that. She was my first kiss.

Okay. Um, she made the first move. Oh, what a aggressive Nancy. Yeah. That, that had to happen.

Well, she was a year older. She was a senior. Yeah. So she, I, my first kiss was we were sitting on the the back of her car like on the bumper after our first date and she uh you know leaned over to me and kissed me and i still

remember very vividly how that felt. Like it was absolutely magical. Like, oh, wow, this is even more amazing than I had imagined. You know? And I still, every once in a while, I still smell her. She wore a certain perfume. I don't know the name of it. But if I, if someone is wearing it, I can smell it like that. It's wild.

It's really wild. I have two perfumes. Well, a cologne. A Jean-Paul Gaultier cologne that Paul... I probably shouldn't say his name. I call him Paul the Blood because he was a blood.

Paul. Paul the Blood. That's what he's in my phone as. And that's what he'll be always known to me as. Paul the Blood. That's what he's in my phone as. And that's what he'll be always known to me as, Paul the Blood. We used to, like, hook up when I was in college, and he wore Jean Paul Gaultier cologne, and I think he sprayed it on his dick because I would be sucking his dick,

and I'd be like, I think I'm sucking perfume. So anytime I smell that, I'm like, Paul the Blood. Like, I get that impulse. Yes. I get that impulse yes I get that impulse but don't do that don't do that that's like so rude I want to taste your dick I want to taste your dick okay so Nancy was your first girlfriend. I'm doing a pretty good job of staying on track. My ADD medicine, I told you earlier, is not here. I know.

It is worn off. And you've had very little sleep. I think you're doing a fantastic job. Thank you. I was telling Paul I was on WestJet. And WestJet doesn't have, like, first class. They have, like, just, just like a bigger economy section. It's very weird.

And then I guess I didn't check in early enough. I don't know what happened, but I didn't get the upgrade. So I was really by the bathrooms in the back. It was pretty stinky. And I fell asleep for maybe two and a half hours, three hours. And I woke up and I was like, I got to get out of here. And Paul's like, you're on a plane. You can't go anywhere. And I was like, I gotta get out of here! And Paul's like, you're on a plane. You can't go anywhere.

And I was like, you are very right. But if you scream, things happen. Like, maybe they'll land the plane a little earlier. You just get off. Yeah. You know, get your legs going. We have to do a water landing to let a passenger off. I would

take a slide off a plane. It would be fun. My favorite thing is that JetBlue guy that went crazy. And stole a couple Heinekens and then activated the slide. If you're not familiar, a man quit his job from JetBlue by screaming at people, enabling the inflatable slide, stealing booze, and sliding out to unemployment. It's amazing. It's unemployment. It's amazing. It's perfect. It's amazing. I would kill to do that.

Yeah. But, like, you can't do that on a set. No. There's very few slides in real life. Yes. Yeah.

You know who's got a slide? The Property Brothers. You ever... I love the Property Brothers and they're moving on up one of them is dating Zooey Deschanel isn't that a nice little upgrade for him you know fixing up houses now

he's fixing up white women but uh the Property Brothers at home they bought this place in Vegas where they put an industrial slide on the side of their fucking house. I love them. They are Looney Tunes.

I love them so much. What is an industrial slide? It's a huge, it's like an amusement park slide that they have attached to their home. I think maybe you have to go inside the house to take the slide. I don't know if there's like a... They don't have like a ladder that you can climb up? I don't think so. But maybe they do. I think maybe you have to go inside the house to take the slide. I don't know if there's like a ladder that you can climb up. I don't think so. But maybe they do. I might be wrong. Did anyone else watch Property Brothers at Home?

Okay, cool. There's also a third brother and he his hair is like this. It's like black and he's very emo and you're like where did you fucking come from i love them they're so silly also do you know the property brothers okay you just do not watch the show i know those guys are that's enough for me do you watch hgt don't. Oh, don't start.

It is a slippery slope. I love House Hunters. And then for whatever reason, in season 128, they dropped the narrator Andromeda. And I was like, where is Andromeda? But then she comes back. And my roommate and his boyfriend, we love watching House Hunters. So then John Millhiser, my roommate, messaged Andromeda. I was like, where are you?

And she was like, oh, I'm just not in a couple episodes. I'm insane. I'm fully insane. Do we ever see Andromeda, or she's just a voice? She's just a voice that we had to Google. We were like, who's the voice on House Hunters? It's this woman named Andromeda. And then she started doing stand-ups.

We watched a couple of those videos. Oh, boy. But then she didn't continue because she got that House Hunter money. Sure. You know? So she's crushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Andromeda, keep doing you, girl.

I'm 100% sure she does not listen to this. Okay, so after Nancy. Yeah. Who came after Nancy? Well, after Nancy, there was a girl in my class that we were best friends. And then in senior year, we started having this very tumultuous romance. She was dating somebody at like a committed, serious relationship. We were in high school. But she's married to that guy today.

Oh, really? Yes, they never stopped dating. So she, the way she sort of managed it was she kind of did it all on her own terms. And when she went to college, she dated other guys while still dating this guy. Oh. And, you know, that dude was like,

I will wait around forever, I guess. Oh, man. What the fuck was in her pussy? Like... I can't even get one. Nicole, I wish I could tell you, but I never found out. We, because I didn't have...

I was a virgin until I was 19. Okay. Because I was very Catholic. I was very devout but also terrified of sex. It's a scary thing that nobody ever breaks down for you. Nobody! My sex ed was my mother one day

said, I must have been like in 8th grade maybe? Grade 8, sorry. And my mother I was in the living sorry and my mother I was in the living room my mother said there's a show on television that I want you to watch and so why don't you go in the kitchen

we had a little TV in there, so why don't you watch this show, she didn't give me any further information, it was an after school special that was all about sex, it taught you what sex was and everything and all the stuff you experienced through puberty That was all about sex. It taught you what sex was and everything. And all the stuff you experienced through puberty,

it was like everything. What was so weird was, the little that I remember about it was, it was a special where kids were watching a movie that was teaching them about sex. Whoa. So you were getting like third hand information. They felt, they felt the need to dramatize it rather than just rather than just show us

the movie that was in the movie. They like had kids. I can't remember like what the, what, what if anything were they talking about before they went and saw this movie. Who gives a shit? They just exist for this movie to happen. This is truly blowing my mind.

I remember that. They show you what wet dreams are and the biology, what's happening inside your body when you get an erection or when you have your, were periods in there? I don't think so. That was another special, I think. That's the lady special. But then I remember the teacher in the movie paused the movie and then started talking to the kids.

For some reason, this information was not included in the movie that they were watching. So it's like he broke it down serious. Like, here's what happens. Penis goes in the vagina and all this shit. I wonder if they did it that way because they made the movie first, saw a cut, and they were like, ah, fuck. We forgot

so much. Instead of reshooting the whole thing, we'll just make some kids watch it. We'll film them and we'll pause to fill in what we fucked up and forgot. We'll give them some bullshit story. Yeah.

Who cares about that? The big dance. Yeah, the big dance or whatever. Then they'll sit and they'll watch that movie. That's truly so... What a treat. That is so fucking funny. I found out about sex

because I read a book called Our Bodies and Me or something. Our Bodies Ourselves? Maybe. It was a big blue book at the bottom shelf of the library. And I'm a nosy little bitch. So I was like, what is this book? So I like scooped it up.

And then my mom let me check it out. And then in the van ride home, I was reading it truly aghast. I was like, what? No. Daddy did this? No. No. And then I remember my mom lifting me out of the car while I'm holding this book and I looked at her

this maybe like five. Wow. I was young. Wow. And as she lifted me out of the van, I said, did daddy do this to you? And she went, yes. And I went, but why? And she did a very good job of being like,

well, when you get older, you'll enjoy that. And you have to, he has to ask if it's okay. And you have to say, yes, it's okay. And I was like, okay, so he'll ask before he sticks that in you? And she was like, yes. But then this ask before he sticks that in you? And she was like, yes. But then this really started me on a quest to see dicks. Because I saw them in the book, but I was like, I got to see one live. So then if my dad ever went into the bathroom, I would try to get in there.

And he'd be like, Nicole! You have to leave! And then when little boys at school would go in the bathroom, I'd be like, maybe I get in there too. And then my teacher, Mrs. Labattre, would be like, stay out. No, you cannot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they make it so mysterious.

Yeah. But then again, I don't know what I would want. I don't know if I would want. Like, I don't know if I would want like full penetration, like in a classroom with my peers being like, okay, this is how that happens. Yeah. I don't know how to make such a sex education better. Did you have it in school at all? Barely.

So honestly, last year I found out about, I learned that ovaries is short for ovum, which holds the eggs, because I was like, I didn't understand. I just, okay, I thought ovaries were eggs. I thought you had two eggs. Right. And I thought the egg would get sucked up in the, in those tubes. And then in your, I guess, ut uterus the sperm will crack that egg open like a rube goldberg machine yeah yes that's what i thought and i was explaining this i think it was on this podcast and it was megan nerrington she was like oh no nicole no she was like how did you get this far and i was like i

don't know yeah uh but then i was just like well why why we call them ovaries not just eggs and she was like the ovaries hold the eggs the eggs are tiny it was it's so hard uh it is i mean if i feel like the the sex ed feels like such it should be its own class and i feel like it's just rushed all the time where it's like, I've had experiences like that too, where there were things that I learned way later that I was like, oh, I didn't know about that.

And no one must ever know that I didn't know about that. I'll openly just tell people I didn't know because I say things with such determination and I'm like, that's it. And then they're like, really? I've said this before on the podcast, but I was talking to my roommate, John Milhiser. He gets mad if I don't say his

full name, so I say his full name. Is that true? Yes. He listened to one episode and was like, so how come you just say your roommate and you don't say me? And I was like, I don't know, John Milhiser, but from now on, when I mention my roommate John Milhiser, I will say his full name, John Milhiser. So, John Milhiser and I, we're watching, John Milhiser, I will say his full name, John Milhiser.

So John Milhiser and I were watching. John Milhiser, hi from Paul. We met once outside of UCB. I think you're very funny. He will probably mention this to me at a later date. He'll be like, tell Paul I said hello. And I'll be like, what are you talking about? But we were watching, I think it was like a documentary on abortion or something and I just learned that abortion was illegal

in Ireland so I was like John in Ireland abortion is illegal which means if you have a stillborn baby you still have to give birth and then John goes are you sure about that and I was like uh uh he's like you think dead babies just keep growing

I was like I I guess not. But I said it so confidently. I was like, even if it dies, you still have to have it. It's tough. What I'm saying is life is very hard. It's a lot to keep track of. It's so much. Life is a lot to keep track of.

It is. And you just got to keep giggling at yourself. Okay. So let's see. Did you have any college girlfriends? Have you been on like a terrible date? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was on during my playing the field time. I was on a date with someone who was very much into making a relationship happen. Ah. And was, the whole date was sort of projecting that we were in a relationship and talking about- How so? So I know not to do this.

Well, it was like, it was sort of like saying like, and then know when we do this and when we have when this happens and all that it was like just decided it felt decided on on her part that this is where we're all okay so we're together and this is going to be forever now and it was really that was like that's how the date started out and it it continued. And this was date one? This was date one. Oh, no. Okay, I don't do that.

We went on two dates. Oh. And then I, after the second date, it got even more intense. And I remember talking to my therapist and saying, I think I have to break it off with this person. And my therapist thought I should do it in person. But it was two dates. We didn't really know each other. And I thought, I think a phone call is fine. It's better than a

text, but I don't think we need to go like have a meal or coffee or something just so I can say, Hey stranger, let's not do this anymore. Cause you seem on a different trajectory than I am on. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I don't even know if you odor a text. Which sounds like an insane thing, and I don't love being ghosted, but that's an answer. I feel like this was before ghosting was truly a thing. Where that was more like a rarity where that would be like a one night thing where you'd never hear from somebody again. But this was, I don't know. It's probably more speaks to my inexperience and clumsiness with all of it.

Also, you're a gentleman. It's a very gentlemanly thing to say to somebody this isn't working out. It is hard though. It's the worst. I've only had to break up with one person and it was a former business person that I was working with. It was my manager. We'd been together for like eight years and I was like, well, I should do this in person.

Yeah. It's not. I did that too. I had to break up with a manager. It was fucking hard. The worst part is when you walk out of that office, it passed all the employees and even though they can't know what happened, but it seems like they know. Everybody knows. Yeah. The email's already been sent. What's he doing here? Why is he here?

Well, we did this at a restaurant, which was nice. Um, but then it was just like, we're both waiting for the valet and it was just, it was just very awkward. And then in that moment, I was like, I don't know if I could ever break up with a person that I fucked. Right. That's more intimate. Right. To be like, you were inside of me and never again.

Yeah. Breaking up is very, very difficult. Yeah. Oh, well. So don't do it. Yeah. Don't do it. Stay in a shitty relationship.

Stay with it. You suffer in silence. Suffer. Put your ring box in the drawer and bring it out when you have to go out. We got to get back to those days. We do. Yeah. Twin beds.

Wait. Do you think people actually slept on twin beds or was that a TV thing? I honestly don't know. Me either. I'm curious about that too. Does anyone here know they slept on twin beds? Till this day. Till this day.

I guess it's... Who? Who? Who? It sounds like they are talking about specific people that they know. To this day, they still do. What people are you talking about? And I love that you were saying things.

So you couldn't hear that if you're listening whenever this comes out. So this man said that people do still sleep on twin beds. And he's like, they will tonight. And I was like, who? And he didn't really answer. Then he finally said his grandparents. Like we were all going to know it was your grandparents. That was funny.

My parents eventually moved to separate bedrooms. Oh, dang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandparents sleep on a mushy queen size bed. And I think they love each other they they're like both kind of hard of hearing so they're just screaming at each other all the time but like their pet names like baby my god and then my parents had a king size bed, which was room enough for them to sleep separately. Let's see.

Yeah, I don't know anybody who slept on twin beds who were married. I don't either. I remember thinking when I was a kid, hearing that, like, I love Lucy. They had to sleep in twin beds because that was, you just could not depict people sleeping in the same bed. Yes, too scandalous. Fucking weird. It's scandalous. What if my brain thought they fucked? It's, and they're

playing a married, they are a married couple playing a married couple. What if my brain thought they fucked? Yeah. And they couldn't say pregnant on that show. Wait, what? She got pregnant in real life. So what did they say? Knocked up? I think they... Oh, man.

Lucy got knocked up by Desi. I think they... I honestly think they said shit like in a family way. Whoa. Or, you know, with child, you know, stuff like that. How wild. Yeah. That is...

That's funny. It's insane. It's very strange that we I guess this country We're built on Puritan Not this one We're in Canada The one downstairs Downstairs

Downstairs country Yeah the fucking basement country we live in It's like a Christian Puritan-based society, right? Right, yeah. So we're just like scared of everything? Yeah. What's so funny to remember about American pilgrims coming over for freedom of religion is that

they wanted the freedom to practice the strictest and most fucked up religion. Which was you do not have pleasure in anything. Life is hard. And you know what's interesting? A lot of them are in favor of this Muslim travel ban.

I'm like, but that one's stricter. So why don't you like that one? It's very confusing. Real quick, I want to talk about the way you dress. It doesn't have anything to do with love or relationships. I just like the way you dress. Thank doesn't have anything to do with love or relationships. I just like the way you dress. Thank you, Nicole. You always look so nice.

Thank you. I like to dress up. It's fun. May I ask, when did this happen? Because a lot of comedians look like shit. See, this is how old I am. When I started, well, first of all, I always liked to dress up since I was a little kid.

And I think it was part of wanting to be older and wanting to be in show business. And so the show business of the time, when I would see talk shows, I was obsessed with talk shows because it was celebrities being, like, celebrated for being celebrities, but also they're being themselves, you know?

And so any kind of behind-the the scenes kind of thing like that, I loved. So seeing somebody like fucking Burt Reynolds on Johnny Carson, like making jokes and stuff and doing bits was like, that was heaven for me. And so when I started standup, it was still very much a time when like like, on a paid show, you would dress nicely. You'd wear, like, a coat and tie

or something. And I also went to Catholic school where you had to wear a coat and tie. So I just always loved clothes. And as time went on and fashion became more relaxed and casual and honestly

diverse. Like, there's so many different styles that you can have now, which I think is a great thing. And I think a lot of people assume that I am against that. And I think that I want people to dress like me and it's like, no, I don't. I feel like it's, it's great that you can have whatever haircut you want. You can wear whatever you want to wear. You can have tattoos. You can have piercings, whatever. You know, just because I don't, that's not me. I'm not against it. I think it's a great thing.

But yeah, I love clothes and I love dressing up. And it's like when I wear stuff like this, this for me is a more like casual kind of look, you know, but it makes me feel like me, you know. I like it. Thank you. It's such a, it's i i just appreciate men who dress up i mean i'm not very dressed up today because you look nice i tried to do my makeup to compensate for the outfit i did not pack well yesterday i was like really listening to billy

eilish and like cleaning and then got really lost in the cleaning and then i was like oh dios mios i gotta go so then i just like, oh, Dios míos, I gotta go. So then I just like threw shit in my suit, like my little backpack and like left. So that's why I look like this. But okay, so I have another question. So I was not familiar with your peanut brittle bit until I saw you do it at the last Put Your Hands Together show,

which is hosted by Rhea Butcher and Cameron Esposito in LA. And it is so funny. So then I went and watched other clips of it because I enjoyed it so much. If you haven't heard it, like after you leave here, immediately Google it. It is so funny. It's just a bit.

I'm like, why is peanut brittle a thing that exists? Um, may I ask, how did you, how did that come about? I know it's a bad question to ask how a joke comes about. No, no, no. It really came about

from real life going into a, I was, I think I had to buy props for like a sketch or something. Oh, joke peanut brittle. Like a, I didn't explain it well. No, no, no. So I went into to, you know, the comedy community will know it very well hollywood toy and

costume on hollywood boulevard get my wigs yeah i've got i bought so many so many wigs there um and i they had like a rack of like gag things like the joy buzzer and stuff like that um and one of them was peanut brittle with you know you open it up and the snakes fly out. And I just looked at it like, this is insane that this still exists. And that was it. And then the bit itself is just, it's five minutes of pure sarcasm. That's all it is. Oh, it made me tee hee hee so hard. Thank you very much.

I was truly guffawing. I get a little self-conscious when I really like something because I have like a nasty little laugh that's so loud. Your laugh is the best and it was so comforting to me to hear it when I was on stage. It's so perfect.

And then I told Sashir's boyfriend about it and he was like, that's a classic fucking bit, you idiot. And I was like, oh a classic fucking bit you idiot and i was like oh no i'm in dummy okay so we are running low on time yes we are but i want you to go through my new tinder profile i finally updated it uh because i listened to the people, and they were all like, bitch, you can't keep reading the same thing. Uh-oh. Let me put, it's on airplane mode. Okay. Okay.

I should have queued this up. I'm bad. Oh, I'm bad. I think you're doing great. No, I'm bad. You're doing great, Nicole. Oh, dang. How come I can't?

I'm bad. Is there any way I can help you? Is there something I can't? I'm bad. Is there any way I can help you? Is there something I can do? I'm bad. I don't know. Okay, hold on. I'm bad. Okay, I'm waiting for it to load.

I'm not bad. I got this. You got it. Oh, there it is. I see it. Dang. But it won't let me swipe through the pictures. Okay, so it's in editing mode. So you can look at it that way, there it is. I see it. Dang. But it won't let me swipe through the pictures. Okay, so it's in editing

mode. So you can look at it that way, me thinks. Or maybe if you hit preview, maybe they'll let you do it that way. Yes. No! Dang! No, so you gotta look at it that way. Can you really see what the pictures are?

Yes, there's Nicole. What appears to be, is that like a gigantic dildo? Yes. Okay. Yes. Then there's Nicole wearing a fun sweater. And I'm also holding a big dildo. Holding a big, oh okay. The dildo isn't as apparent. Oh I see, it's blue, right? Yeah.

Then there's, I don't know who this person is. Ah dang, it's hard to see, it's me with a dog. That's you? Yes. Dang. Why is Tinder doing this to me? Okay. Oh, I'm bad. Now, normally you're able to just scroll through the slide. Yes, and I don't know why it won't do it.

Okay, let's go to Bumble. Let me look you up on my burner Tinder account. Wouldn't that be horrible? What a reveal at the end that I forgot I shouldn't say on a mic on a podcast. Yeah. They'll come for you. They'll cancel you right up. Please don't cancel me.

Please. Okay. Bumble took down my big dick picture. What do you care, Bumble? It said I infringed on something. Like morals and tastes. Copyrighted. Okay.

So look at. Okay. You can look at my hinge. Okay. Which is owned by Tinder, I just learned. I've never even heard of hinge. Well, you're lucky. So I think you just scroll up.

Oh, there we go. So you have to describe what you see. There's Nicole is wearing, I like this outfit a lot. Thank you. She's wearing some rhinestone fringed rimmed sunglasses. Yes. And this looks like you have rimmed sunglasses. Yes. And this, it looks like you have

a backpack on. Yes. And is that a, is that a belt or a fanny pack? It's a belt that says iconic. Iconic. And she is standing next to

a black dildo, like jet black with tons of veins that is as tall as she is. Then, okay, here's the fun sweater with the blue dildo. It's like an avatar thing. Then here's Nicole with the same hairdo as this very chic-looking dog.

Then here's Nicole In a similar top But not the same top And jeans Almost the same outfit Doing an incredible split Yeah And she's looking at the camera like Yeah

Now this one Is very intriguing This is Nicole In the split outfit Next to Guy Fieri, who is getting his Star of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I assume this is photoshopped. It's absolutely photoshopped.

But honestly, without my glasses, it looks like she's really there. Like Guy said, Nicole, I need you to be here for this. I love Guy Fieri. What's not to love? Thank you. Then the last one is Nicole looking very cute, very nice.

She's wearing a sort of rainbow striped top, and she's bent over just sticking that ass right out. Like, here you go. I don't know where you are in this picture a sex shop oh a sex i'm on a sex swing there we go oh you're on a sex swing yes it's uh the pleasure chest in west hollywood uh it's a show famous sex shop oh yeah they were doing a show that's right i think it's just called the pleasure chest um show the pleasure chest presents presents comedy it's really called The Pleasure Chest Show. The Pleasure Chest Presents. Presents? Comedy! It's really interesting because you'll be in the middle of a joke

and like a lull of your joke and you'll hear a couple be like, so we want the bigger dildo. And it brings me joy. So, okay. These straps are too easy to get out of. Yeah, harness me in. Based on

what you say, would you date me? Of course I would. Oh, Paul, what a treat! Why wouldn't I? Thank you. Well, sometimes people say they wouldn't. No, but here's the thing. Like, I am still to this day a little more buttoned

up, but I am very open-minded for other people. Do you know what Ied up, but I am, uh, I'm very open minded for other people. Do you know what I mean? But if I saw that, if I saw that profile, I could not help but laugh at it. Like, just like if I saw somebody just seriously posing with a dildo as tall as

themselves, I would probably say, uh, but if I, but the expression on Nicole's face, like, Hey, like I'm with a celebrity

real quick we have to get out of here i know um so so sheer who's my dear dear friend and i had done a photo shoot for bus magazine and we were driving to staples because i needed stuff uh and i wouldn't tell her what i needed because it's more fun that way. She was like, why do you need office supplies? And I was like, getting ready for school. But I kept saying I needed stuff for my classroom. It was very funny to me. It's September, Sasheer.

Yeah, we have to get back to school. So as we were driving to Staples, we hit Santa Monica, and I realized that Chichi LaRue, the place that has this big dildo that I've been wantingichi LaRue, the place that has this big dildo that I've been wanting to visit so badly, I was like, Sashira, the dildo's here!

And she was like, where? And I was like, turn right! Turn right? So then she turns, and I was like, it's there! It's there! It's right on the right! So then the light is still green, and she just comes to a full stop. And she knew that there was no one behind her, but I was like, we're going to die. And then she parked the car and then she

was like, all right, Nicole, have at it. And I, and I walked into it. I was like, where is it? And I found it. And then I was like, can I pick it up? And the lady behind the desk was like, whatever. So I like pick it up for pictures. I put it back down. And then I looked around. I was like, I should buy something. So she was like, we're running late. And I said, I will not buy a thing.

And then I left. So I'm sure whoever was working was like the most insane person came in to touch this dildo. And then I called them back. I was like, how much is the dildo? It was $500. Oh, my God. this dildo and then i called them back i was like how much is the dildo it was five hundred dollars oh my god no it was fifteen hundred dollars and i was like the one that everyone touched goodbye but then i found one on amazon for 500 and i'm this close to buying it and how how big is it in life in life it when life, it was taller than me on the thing.

So I would say maybe it's half of me. I'm 5'7", so like three foot. But I mean, is it physically possible to do anything with it? Anything's possible if you breathe. And on that note, that's all. Paul, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you guys for being here. Thank you so much for coming. And that's it. That's why I want you to date me. Okay. Bye. Bye. Okay, bye-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.