Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Building a Sex Roster (w/ Laura and Rachel)

Episode Date: April 26, 2019

"You get a social security number when you're born, you should also get a therapist that you have to see when you turn 13." Laura and Rachel (Girls on Porn podcast) teach Nicole how to create a sex roster, shares signs of a good therapist, discuss their favorite type of porn, and if they swipe right on friends. Nicole provides advice to young woman struggling with measuring their sexual expectations in life. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you asked me to pull back your foreskin and clean out your shmagma.

I would! And I wouldn't even spit it out Just kidding, I would, that'd be gross My guests today, they have a podcast called Girls on Porn It's on the HeadGum Network I have Rachel and Laura Hi Rachel and Laura, how are you guys?

I'm so good I'm better now. This is the first time I've been in LA. Oh. Crazy. I just lost my Los Angeles virginity and it was pretty smooth. Okay. Smoother than my real virginity, I gotta say.

Probably. I love LA. I'm fully converted. Do you live in New York City or Iowa? Both. One of either. No, I live in New York City. Okay.

And this is my first time coming and it was great. And the whole time I felt like everything that happened I had to say, it's LA, baby. I say that a lot.

Yeah. But usually it's in my car and I'm screaming and contemplating driving off into incoming traffic. Oh. So a good day.

But that would hurt more than one person. Yeah. It's not worth it. And then sometimes I think about veering off like a cliff. Oh, sure. But then I'm like, what if I tumble into someone's home and their child's outside playing, and the last image they see is a big black woman screaming, It's L.A., baby! It's L.A., baby!

You really thought this through. Well, here's the thing. If I'm going to kill myself, I can't ruin someone's day. Exactly! You really thought this through. Well, here's the thing. If I'm going to kill myself, I can't ruin someone's day. Exactly. You're considerate. You do ruin someone's day because someone has to find you. Yeah. Unless there was someone who didn't mind suicide who started a business called I'll Scoop You Up.

Fucking market that. Write that down. This got dark. We're here I love being dark yeah wait so wait Laura

do you live in New York City too or do you live in Idaho I want to say Idaho just be original but I live actually in Brooklyn in an apartment with Rachel we are roommates

you guys live together yeah and you do a podcast together I know are you also like writing partners not yet not yet

maybe someday soon. We're probably going to end up writing a porn. That's what we've learned. That's sort of what it feels like we're leaning towards. You guys know that

there's like ladies porn that's like well shot and has like a through line. Yeah. That's kind of how that's our main thing. That's how our podcast got started.

Do you like those? Yeah. I do. Yeah. Oh see I don't. Really. What kind of porn do you watch? I watch porn where there's a big black woman I don't like those. Yeah. I do. Yeah. Oh, see, I don't. Really? What kind of porn do you watch? I watch porn where there's a big black woman fucking a little white man.

Oh, yeah. Or a strong black man who's bigger than her in stature, maybe not girth. Yeah. Because I like to watch a woman who looks like me fuck men or women that I want to fuck. For sure. And then I also don't masturbate to porn. I watch it. I go, wow, they had a good time.

I turn it off. And then I'll take out my little toys. And then I'll remember things they did. I'll remember things from my life. And then I'll make my own little mind porn. Yeah, a little mashup. And I've been told people don't do that. I sometimes do that.

I've never heard of a combo of like watching the porn and then your own memories. I mean, I feel like I have intuitively done that, but I didn't think about it. That's a very specific strategy. Because when I start thinking about them and I'm like, this ain't doing it, I'll be like, what did that last good fuck

that I had do that made me quiver? And then I'll think about that. Quiver is such a good word. Have you ever quivered with somebody? I quiver often. Me too! I shake a little bit. I get the shakes big time when I cum.

I spasm in a real way. Oh, do you? Me too. I have a body. I get one little seized do you? I get like a whoa, whoa, whoa. I have like a body. Yeah. I get like one little seized up moment. Yeah. And I'm like, oh. I have like aftershocks. Like my pussy is like squeezing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It happens too. The pulsating, the throbbing. Yeah. Have you ever seen Showgirls? Yes. Not for a long time. I want to be Nomi Malone in the pool. Like I wish that's how I came.

That's the worst thing I've ever seen. Like, I want someone to be like, are you coming or having a seizure? I'm not sure. Yeah. That's what I want in life. It's an insane scene. Everyone needs to go rewatch it. It's very funny.

The whole movie is real wild. Oh, I mean, the first shot is, like, so good of, like, her, like, pissed off and her pissed off and hitchhiking. She's got a leather jacket on. She's got a chip on her shoulder. It's a great movie. I clearly haven't watched it recently enough. You've got to watch it. I'm going to.

Again. I think sometimes I comment it scares people. Oh, really? It's a little bit much. It can be too intense. Has anyone asked, are you well? Are you sick or well? Not yet, Like it can be too intense. Has anyone asked, are you well? Are you sick or well? Not yet,

but it's never too late. Ha! You never know. Oh God, I'm dying for that to happen. Okay, so are both of you single people

or taken people? Single. Single. Are you looking to mingle? Yes. You know it. I came to LA to fucking put up some numbers.

Did you? Yeah, I did. How's it going? It's L.A. to fucking put up some numbers. Did you? Yeah, I did. How's it going? It's going pretty well. How long have you been in L.A.? I've been in L.A. for four days, five days.

And see, recently I found that I've been having a lot of sex in New York in hotels. Ooh. And a lot of the people that I'm having sex with

in New York don't live in New York. Some of them live in L.A. Some people live just in other places. And how are you meeting them? A lot of, like, through friends. Or, like, one guy is, like, someone that I specifically, like, knew a while ago, and he happened to be in New York.

Like, I have a lot of people who are like, hey, I'm in New York. Like, wanna fuck? Oh, that's nice. That's a real treat. I do. I don got a nice roster. I do. I don't have a roster. That sounds nice. I can't recommend it enough.

I mean, I don't even know how to have a roster. Yeah. That's not a... I mean, let me say this. I'm not... I would like a relationship. Okay. But none of these men are asking for a relationship.

Would you want a relationship with any of these men? No. See, there you go. Yeah, no. It's just a back burner roster. Yeah, it's convenient. Which is good to have, like a rotation just to get laid every once in a while. Right.

Like, yeah, I would like the weight of a man on me, and one of them happens to be in New York. I want that, too. And then I got a weighted blanket and then I was like this isn't it. It's not the same. It was bad. It was like a beanbag chair but in blanket form. So every time I moved I could hear the insides moving and I was like

this is not what I want. Yeah, you want to wake up with a boner poking you. I mean that would be nice. Or just like tucked in between you. Right. Laura, you are single wake up with a boner poking you. I mean, that would be nice. Or just, like, tucked in between you, you know? Right. Laura, you are single as well. I am. Do you have a roster, a binder of men, if you will?

I don't. I feel like I need to get a binder of men. No, I've just been, like, striking out recently. I had, like, two short relationships last year. What is short to you? Like, a couple months. One was long distance, so it was very casual. Oh, dang.

Like relationships made me a stretch because we didn't even get to like exclusivity really. Yeah. And then another one that was like much buildup, much anticipation of like we can't do this because we were working on a show together. Oh. Also, he was seeing someone. Oh. Definitely like downplayed what that was. Mm-hmm.

And then we started dating and then he went back to his ex. So that was cool. Oh no. Yeah, so I'm kind of in like burn mode. I'm kind of laying low and waiting to like get my spirits up again to really be aggro about dating. So are your feelings hurt right now? A little bit. Yeah.

I thought I was over it sooner than I, and then I like kind of got stung about it again. So I'm just trying to be honest with myself about my feelings and give myself some time. And that's why a roster is great. Yeah. A roster is great. I would like to start putting up some numbers, but not right now. May I ask how old you ladies are? I'm 34.

Okay. I'm 29. Oh, wow. Wow, so young. I didn't feel young then. I don't feel young now. I don't even remember 29. It was years and years ago. I think I'm 32 or I'm 33.

I don't know anymore. I decided to stop counting at my last birthday. I celebrated my 40th. Yeah. Congrats. Thank you. Me and my friend Mano made a banner that we hung up in Dave and Buster's. Oh, fuck yeah. And it was up for like three hours before they were like, you have to take this down.

And we were like, what do you mean? You can't just hang up stuff at Dave and Buster's. Wait, what did the banner say? Did it say 40th birthday Nicole and Mano? I wanted to say I have stopped counting now. Oh, I wish, but I think we had a paper letter,

but then we put a bunch of clip art on it. Oh, good. Like an angel, a weird, I think Obama's face was on it. It's real dumb

and it's at his house. And hopefully we'll break it out for next year. Yeah. When you do 40 again. Yes, when you turn 40 again. Just keep doing 40. I'll turn 40

until I'm actually 40 and then I'll turn 70. The math is in there somewhere. I think I'm tired of fucking random people. I don't have repeat customers. So I think that's my whole issue with having a binder of men. So I think I'm

just like, I'm trying to like bring a relationship to me and it's not working out. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm on the apps. Are you guys on the apps? I have been on the apps.

I'm not on them currently, but I've done like two or three stints, like maybe a month at a time I was on the app, and then started dating someone and then probably gave up on the app too quick. Like I was like, oh, I'm dating someone, and then like got off of them, and then that thing would like like, fall apart pretty quickly. So, it seems as if you two keep meeting people in person. Yeah. Yeah.

This is interesting. Yeah. Where do you go? Well, also, you live in New York. Yeah. I feel like New York is so much easier to, like, go to a bar, meet a bunch of new friends, and then go home with somebody. Yeah.

I think, I mean, the last person that I like dated was like someone who was through a mutual friend and then now but all the people that I've been like

having sex with are like yeah I guess old trustees flames or yeah you know how does that work

so you go let's have sex then you have sex and then you shake hands and go until next time basically yeah like let me know next time you're in New York or you shake hands and go, until next time? Basically, yeah. Like, let me know next time you're in New York. Well, some of your people are out of town, which helps it imply a lack of commitment or need for it.

Which I'm fine with because I am also recently been destroyed. Emotionally, not sexually. I would take sexually. But yeah, I've been emotionally destroyed and I am absolutely not looking for a relationship because not right now

how long ago you were destroyed? in December I too was destroyed in December what a bad month Christmas comes and then your heart gets broken. Yeah, I mean like I fully got a Christmas

present that was a trip to London in 2019 that I'm never gonna get. Oh no. I know, because he broke up with me. Wait, so he was gonna pay for you to go to London? Maybe he broke up with you because he didn't have the money. No, this motherfucker's got the money.

Oh. So wait, you also get rich, dudes? Yeah. Man. That was the first, he, yeah. I had some experiences with this man. That's nice. Yeah.

All the dudes I date have dreams, wishes, and hopes. And no money. Yeah. I'm on that team. I mean, before this man, it had been a lot of that. Yeah. It was like a lot of guys, you know, with like four roommates and, you know. You've got to crawl through the roommates, go to the bathroom.

And then you get to the bed and you're like, it's a mattress on the floor. Their hands are always dirty. I'm always getting a UTI. Oh, no. And then I started dating this older guy who had money. How old? He's 44. Oh, okay. So had money. How old? He's 44. Oh, okay.

So that's dead. Yeah. He's old. Very old. He old. Yeah. He old. And he also had luggages of baggage.

Oh, okay. I truly was like, we'll just move as soon as he's away and put him in a closet and it'll be fine. He didn't just have baggage. He had fucking luggage. Okay. Yeah. So you're not looking. Neither one of you are really looking. Yeah, I am. But I'm trying to give myself I feel like I tried to look too quickly and then was like, oh, what am I doing? I'm not ready for this. I don't trust anyone right now. Yeah, certainly. You know, like you have to kind of be a whole person. Yes. And I am wanting to be a person who wants to be ready for a relationship. But if I'm honest with myself, I'm still a little bit of a step away because I'm cagey.

Are you guys in therapy? No. I'm not. I can't afford it. Same. There's sliding scale therapy where you show them your paycheck and then they're like, Oh, no. Two dollars.

I don't. I've never done it but I've heard good things about it I'm in therapy I like my therapist Mary is very good to me it's funny

because during shows I'll say her name which I probably shouldn't because it is her real name her name is Mary but like

I'll say her name during shows and people will go woo Mary and I'll say her name during shows and people go woo Mary and I go the last show I did I was like wait a minute this keeps happening do I tell my therapist she has fans because there may be like a whole session

where she's like why are you saying my name and I'm like I don't know but I want to give you credit. It's just first name not last name. No I've never said her last name that would be insane. Yeah that's good. I had therapy. I got therapy years ago when I went through like a real rough patch, which included the worst breakup I've ever. Yeah. Like an ongoing, long, drawn out, like needlessly relationship ending.

Yeah. And I loved it. I had the same thing. I had therapy like, yeah, in college when my college boyfriend broke up with me. Do you have insurance? No. I don't have health insurance right now. I had therapy, like, yeah, in college when my college boyfriend broke up with me. Do you have insurance? No. I don't have health insurance right now. I do, but I have Oscar, which is basically nothing.

One privilege and then the next. Yeah. It's basically, like, I pay $150 a month to, like, maybe get, you know, free birth control. I paid fucking $500 for Oscar. You should ask them about therapy. Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like sometimes it's, like, a hidden thing where you're, like, paying nothing.

They're like, you have really no perks in this. And you're like, but what about therapy? And they're like, oh, yes, we want to help you. So I don't know. Please don't kill yourself because then someone has to find you. Yeah. And then there's no company called We'll Scoop You Up. Exactly.

I think it's a great idea. It's brilliant. But Mary said something yesterday that really, she said it a couple times, but it takes her like, I don't know, four or five sessions before I'm like, oh, I get it. But she was like, your feelings aren't real. And I was like, oh, shit. She's like, it may seem like it's real, but that's not the reality of the situation.

Because I've been having issues feeling unlovable. Yeah, I feel you on that. I have the same exact issue. Yeah, where you're like, I get that I have a ton of friends and people like me and people come see my shows and stuff but like none of them want to take me home and let me sit on their couch and share socks i don't know what a relationship is it's all about socks that's all it is but yeah i've just been like i'm an unlovable person yeah and mary's like well that's it's a feeling

that's not reality and she's like even though you feel you know that there's a difference between like your friends and a relationship that doesn't mean you're unlovable in a relationship just because you're not in a relationship and I was like dang Mary really put me on the straight and narrow she's

really a godsend she's just like this old white angel like I love her so much. I feel like that's the best kind of therapist. My therapist, her name is Veronica, and she'll probably never listen to this, so it's fine. She had a touch of hippie, which is kind of right for me.

She would explain therapeutic concepts as we were talking through them. We talked about object relations, and she'd explain the theory around it, and I loved that because I like the mechanics of what my brain is doing to itself. But then every once in a while, she'd throw in a, well, it's a full moon, so that's probably why. Like, she'd throw in something a little bit like woo-woo.

Exactly. So that always kind of was right for me because I want to believe in magic a little bit. Yeah. She, I don't think Mary believes in magic, but I did bring up tarot cards because I had my tarot cards read and she was like I mean it's not bad advice from the cards

tarot cards are beautiful and I was like thank you Mary for not taking that away from me it's fake and you're stupid but also Mary would never say I'm stupid because she's so loving I definitely told Veronica that my ex when he was breaking my heart was my soulmate. And she was like, he might be one of them.

Like she tried to be like, I hear your language and I'm steering you away from desperately attaching yourself to this person. She's a good therapist. Yeah, that's a nice thing. Mary will never be like, this person is bad until after we're done. And she'll be like, now you bad until after we're done uh-huh and she'll be like now you understand why that was bad and i'm like yes mary yeah judgment free zone yes that's good love therapy yeah i can't stress it enough everybody should be in therapy everybody should we have a lot less problems i don't know why like you get a social security number when you're born you should get a therapist.

But you have to see when you turn like 13. That's truly what I think. Yeah, even 11 when shit starts to get hard in middle school. I feel like that's a great time to start going. Why do I have body odor and what's all this hair? Exactly. Should I be sucking dick? I don't know. Or should I be sucking on clits? Or should I sit alone in my room because I'm

asexual? Who should I share socks with? We have to take a break. And we're back. Wait, what a break that was. Oh, boy. Yummy. I probably said a quip ad. I love my quip. I use it every day. I have a qu said a quip ad. I love my quip.

I use it every day. I have a quip. I love it. Everyone has a quip. Yeah. Well, podcast people have quips. I don't have a quip. You don't have a fucking quip?

No. I guess I got to get one. Well, you got to get a sponsorship. You really got to get one. Like, I'm not kidding. Okay. Also, okay, they send you... It's like a quip ad without an ad.

They send me like the little brushes every three months and then it comes so fast sometimes you forget to switch them out and now i'm stocked up on these brushes yeah i have like two or three backed up yeah but then i realized how nasty i am is it that bad though because i never changed out brush heads that frequently until i had quip same i'm like what was I doing all those years before? You were being a fucking gross mouse container. I don't have my brush head? What the fuck? Every three months.

Jesus Christ. On a dentist recommended schedule. Quip. I gotta get a Quip. They also send you a little battery. End of ad. We've really given them a lot of free advertisement. My sister called.

She was like, what do you think about Quip? I gave her the same endorsement. And I don't know if she actually bought one. Follow up. Who knows? Yeah. I've been getting lots of people asking me for advice. So I'm going to read a question that somebody has.

Oh, I like this. If that is okay. It almost feels like an If I Were You crossover episode. I'll be a mirror. I guess this is a little bit of If I Were You. I'm into it. I love giving advice. Oh, wait.

I don't. You don't like giving advice? I mean, I do, but I always have to end it with, like, but I mean, I don't know. You always have to disclaim it at the end. But I mean, that's just like my opinion. I wanted to be a therapist when I was little. Like in elementary school, I thought that was maybe a cool idea. Yeah.

And then I realized that that would just mean basically doing the same thing every day. And that was also before I knew that like acting was a thing. Oh. So then I went into that. Like I thought like movie stars were like raised on a special island. They kind of are. Basically, yeah. Okay.

I've come full circle on that. But okay, here she comes. Sorry. It took me a very long time to get kind of are. Basically, yeah. Okay, I found a question. Like, I've come full circle on that, but okay, here she comes. Sorry, it took me a very long time to get there. Okay. Hi, Nicole. I, too, am always single, and I totally relate. I'm 27,

and I've only been in one relationship that lasted a grand total of three months, and it was a miracle it lasted that long, to be honest. I've only slept with five guys, and I don't actively search for dick. Should I be worried? I mean, what person in their 20s

isn't trying to have as much sex as possible? Anyways, just wanted to let you know that, blah, blah, blah, she likes me, I'm great. Cool. Isn't that an insane question? No, you're not weird for not searching for dick. You're doing what you want to be doing. Exactly. So if you're not wanting

to search for the dick, you shouldn't just force yourself to because it's what everybody else seems to be doing. Yeah, I mean, unless you're like, yeah, there's no, I feel like there's no like correct timeline of like, I should be in a relationship now. I should have had sex with this many people. We certainly feel like there is because everybody around, like we all sort of perpetuate the I should be narrative, but it's not real. No. I know plenty of people who like, oh, I should get married and did early and they're divorced now. And they went through a horrible divorce because they rushed into a marriage.

Yeah. I've talked about it before on the pod, but I always think it's a good thing to bring up that there is such harsh societal norms. Yeah. Especially on women. Oh, God, yeah. Like when you hit 30, you better be married. You better have kids. You better have decided to be a stay-at-home mom or you have a career and you're married with no kids.

Or you have all of the above. Yeah. Or like get a house. But the world doesn't work that way. And you got to work on your own time frame. And whenever you do something is when you're supposed to do something. Exactly. And also like our generation is so different.

Yeah, it's constantly changing. I mean, I definitely, when I was a teenager, was like, I'll be married by 25. Like, had very different ideas that change every year. I recently had the revelation, not that recently, like, within the last few years, that I don't want kids. Like, I could be persuaded, like, with the right partner and the right level of stability that I certainly don't have right now. Yeah. and the right level of stability that I certainly don't have right now. Yeah.

But that is not a priority for me, and that has actually relieved a lot of relationship pressure that I feel from other people. I feel the same. If I'm not aiming for that, then there's not a literal biological clock that I'm thinking about. So I'll have relationships, and they'll come and go. You can freeze your eggs. One, two.

My mom had me at, like, I think she was 39 or 40. Oh, wow. Good for her. Yeah. You know? So there for her. Yeah. You know? So there's time. Yeah. My sister's 38 and she's about to have her second kid.

Yeah. Good for her. You can have kids late. Yeah. I don't want kids. Yeah. Call me crazy, but I also don't want kids. I won't call you crazy.

Thank you. I'll call you sensible. Yes, truly. I don't want children either. I used to want like eight children. Oh, my God. And they all had like eight names. One I can remember is Starlet Jade Rosemary, and that was just one child.

Starlet Jade Rosemary. Yes. And what an awful name for a child. I know. Yeah, I wanted like eight kids. I was like, I'm going to be married by 25. I'm going to have a big, beautiful wedding, and I'm going to have so many kids. And then I started nannying, and I was like, I wanted like eight kids. I was like, I'm going to be married by 25. I'm going to have a big, beautiful wedding and I'm going to have so many kids. And then I started nannying and I was like, yuck.

Fuck. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't want it. Kids are so much work. They're a lot of work. And I feel like. And they're humans.

They're little humans. They're responsible for a human and their development and their contribution to society. Like get a dog. If you can't raise a dog right, don't have a kid. I have a dog, and my sister, when I got the dog, was like, oh, she's showing signs of maternal. You know, like, this is you becoming. And I was like, nope.

No. Because the only thing that getting a dog showed me is that I, like, that it would take over my life. And, like, vastly in a way that I am not interested in. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I have the chillest, lowest maintenance dog, and I'm like, I can't imagine having to restructure my life more like vastly in a way that I'm not interested in yeah yeah like dog like I have the chillest lowest maintenance dog and I'm like I can't imagine having to restructure my life more

than this very high maintenance you better believe my roommate takes care of I'm like a child who was like mommy daddy I want a dog and I went out and got a dog and now John walks that dog three times a day hey like last night I was like all right right, good night. He's like, you're not even going to pretend you're going to walk your dog? And I was like, no. Let's hear it for John. John's great. Doing the Lord's work. Truly he is because otherwise my dog would never see daylight.

Also, he's so poorly behaved. I'm a terrible dog parent. I've trained him to do tricks but not behave. The important thing. It's hard. It's hard. He loves biting people. What am I going to do tricks but not behave. Yeah. The important thing. It's hard. It's hard. He loves biting people. What am I going to do?

Like take joy from him? If it sparks joy, let him have it. Makes him happy. Just lash out at people. Do you guys want to get married? I kind of do, actually. I like the idea. I definitely do.

I definitely want, at some point, like a very meaningful profound like years years long partnership like I do crave that level of relationship I'm on the fence about the institution but I do want to throw a really cool party where I'm the prettiest yes me too so that is hard for me like that is ingrained in me

that it's hard for me to let go of the idea of like the wedding dress and the whole thing but I do think if I get married and have a wedding, it'll be very party style and not very ceremonial because I'm pretty anti-religious. That's exactly how I feel. Yeah, that's also, wow, three people. I know. Truly on the same page. I know.

Yeah, have you seen The Favorite? Yes. Like, favorite movie of last year. I want my wedding to be kind of where I am that queen. Yeah. Where I just get to scream at everybody. And eat cake. And they come and they have to pleasure you.

Someone has a bucket if I eat too much cake and I can puke it off. You ring a bell when you want cunnilingus. Yes. And then someone rubs my legs until they feel better. And I can scream at everyone. I love it. Yeah. So true. What I can scream at everyone. I love it. Oh, so true. What a treat of a movie.

I watched it on three separate flights because I kept falling asleep. Not because it was boring, but because I was sleepy. But I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved it, too. Also, Emma Stone's lisp goes away when she's doing an English accent. Wow. Interesting. I didn't notice that.

I think Rachel Weiss. Weiss? Weiss? Weiss? We that. I think Rachel Weiss. Weiss? Weiss? Weiss? Weiss? Weiss? Weiss? Do you pronounce it

with a V though? Because it's like Weiss? I thought it was a V but I could be wrong. I don't know. Anyways. Rachel,

I know you probably listened to the podcast. Can you tweet at me how to pronounce your name? Thanks, Rachel. I thought she was incredible. I also think she's

such a beautiful woman. Yeah. She is gorgeous. Stunning to was incredible. I also think she's such a beautiful woman. She is gorgeous. Stunning to look at. Olivia Colman was my favorite, though. I mean, of course. Queen. I've had a crush on her for a minute from all her British television. I didn't know who she was.

We're both weird British television enthusiasts. And she's magnificent. What are good British television shows to watch Broadchurch Olivia Colman's on that is Idris Elba

on that no but Luther he's on and he's great that's very good we only speak in unison when we talk about British television

perfect I love it Happy Valley's great I love Happy Valley it's like a thriller slash procedural ish but with this dope-ass lady actor at the helm of it. And James Norton, who is like my number one. End of the Fucking

World, I really liked. I liked that movie, too. Or TV show. TV show. Fleabag, obviously. Killing Eve. So all of them. Yeah. Sorry. We could keep going. No, I'm kidding. How long is this podcast? I watch a lot of fucking TV. Okay. I spend all of my free time watching TV. I don't. I'm bad. I just watched 90 Day Fiancé and RuPaul's Drag Race.

Oh, it's literally a solid choice. I love Drag Race. Drag Race is great. I haven't watched last night, though, so. Okay. No spoilers. I won't spoil it. Okay.

I'm going to watch it on my flight. Who's your favorite? Banji. Okay. No spoilers. I won't spoil it. Okay. I'm going to watch it on my flight. Who's your favorite? Banji. Okay. Banji. She's also my favorite. Really? She makes me laugh so hard.

Yeah, she's out of her fucking mind. She's so funny. Come get these cookies. I'm serving opulence and you know, the judges are going to feel this. I love her so much. She's like if these kisses keep coming

I'm a taiko I'm a taiko I know I love her I think she's so funny she's hilarious I also really like Akiria

I like Akiria is stunning yeah do you watch Drag Race only like over Rachel's shoulder I hadn't gotten into it until recently

and then we like actually just this past week like sat down and I was like oh damn the vibe is real it lives up to the hype it's getting campier

yeah cause the first like two three seasons were very campy and then I think they were trying to like be more mainstream to get a mainstream audience

right and now that they have it they're like getting a little bit back to being campy that's a smart strategy which I thoroughly enjoy yeah

ugh I love a drag show. Me too. But I've been depressed lately in gay clubs because there's more straight women and that's not what I came for. It's true. As a woman in a gay bar. I want to be special.

Only me. I don't like you. Yeah, I would like to be special. Yes, and I want them to lift me up. Also, I love a gay bar because they notice my makeup. Oh. Yeah. Good point.

Straight men don't. They'll be like, your face. They don't know from makeup. What's the compliment I've gotten? I like that thing you did to your hair. Oh, thank you. I curled it. Yeah.

Gay men know how to give a compliment. Like, bitch, your lashes. I love them. I was like, you look stunning. That outfit is amazing. And I feel like it's a higher compliment because there is, like, an aesthetic standard there. Right. Right.

You know? But it would be nice if a straight man or a man who sleeps with women mostly could just go on the internet. Yeah. Do some research. On some makeup and clothing things to be like, wow, your waist is cinched. You look snatched. Your face is beat.

Like, just learn something. Just like you look pretty would be nice. Yes. That would be nice. It would be nice to hear. Men. What is your ideal person to end up with long term? Oh, I like this question. This is hard. I feel like I recently, so the guy that destroyed my

heart in December is like probably pretty close to that. Okay. Like very giving and like soup, but like just, you know, like gave me a lot of attention and lifted me up. Very supportive, but also super funny and kind and had money. Ah, yes. And also, fuck that guy for breaking her heart. Yeah, true. Yeah, fuck him. Fuck him, he sucks.

So, all that stuff except not breaking your heart. Yeah, yeah. I'm a little shallow, so I do like a hot guy. We'll just get that out of the way. What is hot to you? Like, give me a celebrity. Well, we were just talking about Idris Elba. I do have like an unfortunate attraction to like a slightly bro vibe.

So this is like maybe... I don't even know who that is. He was in Tron Legacy. What about like the Hemsworths? Yeah, I could fuck a Hemsworth. Yeah. I don't have a specific like obsession. I definitely had like a Ryan Gosling thing

for a minute. Oh. He's got a pointy face. Yeah, he does. He's got sharper like mirror features than I necessarily need. It was more just like the charm there. Yeah. In some of his stuff. But I do, yeah, it's sort of a, I've created a contradiction for myself like mirror features that I necessarily need it was more just like the charm there yeah

and some of his stuff but I do yeah it's sort of a I've created a contradiction for myself because I want this like stereotypically attractive person that's also gotta be like

as woke as I am yeah or try to be you know like he has to be a die hard fucking feminist or I'm gonna turn him into one and then also like funny and smart

and like can challenge me can kind of like put my in my place and like a respectful but like bantery way. Like I like hot banter, but also kind, like empathic in a really real way. I'm not really a looks person, as you could probably tell if I showed you my roster. Would you date a troll? Yeah. Really? I mean, I've had sex with some unfortunate looking people.

You know? And she made their day, alright? And they were so excited they went back to the cave and they were like, don't ever guess what happened to me! I went on a date with a troll man and I just couldn't get past that he literally looked like a troll.

Like, and he talked a lot and I, at one point I was like, are you speaking in riddles? Like, he wasn't. But it felt like he was.

And then I, ugh, I thought he was gonna like accuse me of stealing his lucky charm. Like he was just, so, he was short.

A short little leprechaun. And it was bad. And I hated it. Do you find it weird to date with this podcast? Like talking about your dating life. Do you feel ever like, are you ever on a date and people are like, hey, are you going to talk about me on a show? It's only happened once. It was a terrible date where, I mean, I started off incorrectly.

I showed up 40 minutes late. Uh-oh. Sure. But guess what? I was napping. And your makeup looked fierce. And my makeup looked really great. And then he had had like one drink and then he was trying to keep up with me.

I drink a lot. Yeah. And he like blacked out. And then we were like walking back to his car he shouldn't have taken we he shouldn't have driven anywhere but i wasn't thinking and he was like you're not gonna talk about me on your podcast are you and i was like oh and this is after he had said he knew nothing about me he was like i've only seen your cone interview and that's it and i was like okay and then he was like you're not gonna talk about me on my on your podcast i said i thought you

didn't know anything about me he was like, you're not going to talk about me on your podcast. I said, I thought you didn't know anything about me. He was like, well, my roommates. My roommates know about your podcast. I live with girls. And I was like, yeah, okay. And then he brought up something else

that was on the podcast and I was like, you know exactly who I am. Why are you lying about this? This is so fucking weird. But that's the only person who's actively behaved poorly and been like,

don't talk about this. And I'm like, oh't talk about this. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, no, I absolutely will because you're very badly behaved. And then anyone that I've dated who I felt serious about, I've told them that I would not talk about them. Oh, that's cool. So you have sort of a policy when things get to a certain point. I would ask them before I would speak about them. Or if I did speak about them, I told them immediately. Yeah.

That's smart. I worry about it. Me too. I've watched porn with a casual partner since we started the podcast. And I do feel like I've incorporated porn in relationships before. It's been really fun and hot to be like, oh, let's watch something get turned on and then fool around, whatever. But I think sometimes it's been really fun and like hot to be like let's watch something get turned on and then fool around whatever but I think sometimes

it's intimidating like it's hard to be like this is the porn I like and then have that guy be like so my dick has to be exactly that big and I have to fuck you

that long and I have to be acrobatic about like sometimes it's that so I'm currently also overthinking my dating life based on my obvious obsession with porn

I'm not really worried about the porn aspect of it I'm just more concerned because every episode we talk about like how it relates to our own sex life yeah we do talk about our dating lives on our show a little bit'm not really worried about the porn aspect of it. I'm just more concerned because every episode we talk about how it relates to our own sex lives. Yeah, we do talk about our dating lives

on our show a little bit too. I'll talk about the time I got fucked in the ass and it didn't turn out so great. You know? How come it didn't turn out great? Well, the first time I tried anal,

my hands cramped up. And I like, I like lost oxygen and like motor skills. And I was like, get your dick out of my ass. I can't breathe. It was insane.

Oh, no. But since then, I've had very pleasurable experiences. I mean, you got to be one in the zone. Yeah. Two, real lubed up. It's very true. Three in the zone. Yeah.

Four in the zone. Yeah, you have to like mentally be there for it. You can't just like surprise. No zone Yeah you have to like Mentally be there for it Right You can't just like Surprise No It's a dick Yeah

Yeah and I think A lot of men Who only fuck women Are like Can't ask I'll just surprise her Yeah See what happens

I'll just try to sneak it in Like she won't notice I don't know It's pretty tight back there It recently happened Really And I was Quite annoyed Yeah It's very annoying back there. That recently happened. Really? And I was quite annoyed.

Yeah, it's very annoying. Also, my hands were tied, which was even more frustrating. Because I was like, you didn't ask. And now I can't do anything about it. Like, your dick's already in my ass. Like, I guess we're having anal. That's also, you're avoiding trust at that point. Yeah, exactly.

Because you're in a vulnerable spot. Yeah. And, oh, I really hate that yeah that's a major lack of consent you can't fuck with that person anymore that person's trash so that if you're a gentleman listening to this or a woman if you've agreed to certain things and someone's tied up you can't spring new things on the person unless you fucking ask. Consent is key. Consent is key and I feel like a lot of people think

a sexual act is happening and that means consent for everything and that's not a thing. Yeah. And that makes me so angry. Inconsistent consent. Amber Rose was, I think that was the first time I heard that. It was like a couple years ago. She was like, I said yes to sex.

I said yes to blowing you. I said yes to cunnilingus, but now I'm saying no so all of it stops. And I'm like, yes. Just because you've consented to X, Y, and Z doesn't mean you're consenting to ABC. Look at that. Went to the beginning of the alphabet. And I don't know why we don't teach

that in fucking school. It's about time. Like if you're going to teach me how like my uterus works, barely. I keep learning new things about it every day. It's so true. Like I now see pictures of what a clitoris actually is. I'm like, what's all this down here? Like it's that big? It's got like wings and legs

and stuff. And it's got a whole bunch of nerve endings. And some people have hoods that you gotta peel back. It's all, we know nothing about our bodies. I will say that I was lucky. So I was vaguely Unitarian. I think anyone who's Unitarian is vaguely Unitarian. What's that?

So Unitarian Universalism is a religion that is completely devoid of dogma. Who's dogma? Is this my friend. Dogma's like the rules that make up a religion. Oh, okay. So, Unitarianism, like, you'll go to church, and it's like, we're talking about some stuff that Buddha said that we think is cool

one week, and then it's like, we're gonna read some, like, Jesus scripture another week. So it's, like, very free, and you're welcome to ascribe to whatever you want to. It's very spiritual, but not, like, there is one kind of God, and we only talk about that God. Like, it's like very free and you're welcome to ascribe to whatever you want to. It's very spiritual, but not like there is one kind of God and we only talk about that God. Like it's very open. And I was going to a Unitarian church when I was in middle school and they had a class called About Your Sexuality, which was like sex education advanced. Like we had homework to buy condoms.

We watched kids. We had a bisexual person come in and talk about her sexuality and talk about— Wait, you babysat kids? No, no, no. The movie kids. The movie kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah, with, like, Chloe Sevigny.

I was like, what do you mean you watched kids? I was like, we gotta break this down. We babysat children. We touched them. No, no, no. Well, that's what I was getting at. I was like, I don't think this is a good religion. I think you guys are bad. Seems like you're

Catholic. Yeah. Got him. One more in there. Yeah. I was lucky to have a very sex positive education early and then that turned into me imparting that on

my friends. Yeah. But there's still plenty like always be learning, you know? Yeah, our sex education is broken in this country. It's terrible. Oh, it's the worst.

I feel like you're, I feel like all I learned was like here's how men and women have, actually I don't even think I got that. I think I found that out on my own.

Yeah. And I think I was just told in school, I was like abstinence is key and it's like, yeah, but kids are going to be fucking so teach them about it. Teach them how to be safe. I was fully told in school, I was like, abstinence is key. And it's like, yeah, but kids are going to be fucking, so teach them about it. Teach them how to be safe.

I was fully told that a female orgasm is a lie. That it was a myth? Yeah. I don't know if I was told that. I was fully told that in high school by a sex ed teacher. What? By a sex ed teacher? Yeah.

Say their whole name. Yeah, truly. Let's send a goddamn swarm of people to that person's house I mean she was the cheerleading coach she thought they were a myth because she never had one I think she was actually

a closeted lesbian but she was married to a man and she just was like you know sex is for the man. And, you know, women, it's not true. We can't get any pleasure from it. So. Maybe she's found someone since then.

I hope so. I like to hope that she's in, where is she? Michigan? Yeah. Just, you know. All right. Coming all day, all up. Prayers up to cheerleading coach in Michigan. We hope that you found somebody.

Yeah. I was driven home by a Republican lesbian the other day. Interesting. I didn't think they existed. In a Lyft or Uber? In a Lyft here in LA. That's nuts. And how did that conversation come about? Did your door close and she was like, alright, sure. Kind of.

I voted for Trump. We started talking as every driver in LA seems to want to do. I think that's the thing. Like in New York, no one talks, but in LA, everybody does. And we, I forget how we got into it initially, but I do think her like priority concern is around roads and potholes. Okay.

So it sort of came up around that. And then she started talking about like the illegal immigration problem. And I was like, K, we're not on the same team. And I'm confused because you gay. Like, that is the vibe I'm getting. But she may not have been out. I mean, she had very strong

lesbian, like, stereotypical lesbian vibes. Oh, so she never said she was a lesbian? No, I just decided. I assumed. Like, she was like... Was she white?

She was white. She was wearing plaid. Sorry to stereotype, but that is, you know, I literally returned a bag of plaid to a lesbian friend recently this fad is over

for me it was sort of a running joke that she was like I do have eight of these and then didn't even notice they were missing because she had so many

also like left over and she had a short haircut and a hat on and just like a you know sort of.

Vibe. Dykey vibe, frankly. And I was kind of like, oh, cool. Like, maybe we'll have an interesting, like, this could be a cool part. So I just blown away when she, like, came out as a Republican to me. She didn't, but came out as mad about potholes and immigrants. And illegal immigrants. Republicans are confusing.

So are a lot of Democrats, if we're going to be real. That's true. I just, I'm of the school of like, come on, let's fix our education system. Let's let everybody have a living wage. I might be a socialist. I think that's what I am. I am principally with concerns about execution, but morally and ethically i am i'm a socialist like i think we should all share yeah is there a test i could take maybe to find out yeah like

like uh astrology or like uh the enneagram or something i don't know there's a myers-briggs test for i just know that and i don't care enough to do my research so it's hard it's a lot of research and it's wild, but I feel like in school I had one year of civics, and they were like, that's it? Socialism. You know all about our government now. And I'm like, I barely know that the House of Representatives

and Congress are different. I barely know anything. Yeah, like I don't know if I need to know I have a title that badly. I also feel like socialism is kind of tossed around right now because it's almost used as, like, a dirty word. As an insult, yeah. Like, Bernie's a socialist. But, like, I don't even think politicians that progressive are technically socialist. Like, universal health care is not socialist necessarily.

No. Like, that's not the only rule. I would certainly take universal health care. Well, it health care, considering I'm not on insurance at all. It's so wild that we don't have it. I know. Again, every baby born should have health insurance. Yes. And pre-existing conditions is such a wild thing to instate on anything.

It's pure evil. It's crazy. It's capitalism at its worst. Capitalism, I mean, truly, we're really veering off topic. We're talking politics now. Just like Jeff Bezos, I talk about him a lot. I think he's a bad man.

He's a bad man. He's worth like $11 billion and people are dying in factories. How come CEOs aren't salary kept? Nobody needs $11 billion. Yeah. For what reason? Yeah, he has that much money.

He needs to give some of it away. Yeah, and he's still like making cities like offer him money to move Amazon there. Yes, like fuck off. It's bullshit. Fuck right off. It's crazy. Okay, here's what I think. Make me president. Just kidding.

I don't know how to do that. You don't want that job. No, I definitely don't. I would like you two to look at my Tinder profile yeah okay and then let me know

oh I'm on Tinder I'm on Hinge I'm on Raya I'm on Coffee Meets Bagel which one's your favorite Bumble I'm on uh

uh OkCupid oh wow I am on hold on this one called Buster WooPlus um Hinge she said Hinge Hinge I already said I am on hold on this one called Buster Woo Plus Hinge

she said Hinge Hinge I already said I'm on them all yeah which ones do you like the best none none of them

they're all shitty yeah but I've met the most nice peep the most nice the nicest people off Hinge I did Hinge

I liked the interface if I can nerd out a little like it made people look better. Like, the prompts help people be at least a little bit creative

and clever. A little. And it makes them look like they're a cool feature rather than just like, you picked a crappy picture and made up a bad sentence. And then a lot of men

just put up the worst pictures and you're like, I don't know, as long as you don't kill me, I'm good. Yeah. This is a great, this is a great profile.

Okay. Tell them what you see. Okay. I see some hot pics. I love that the first pic is like funny, like personality. You know what I mean?

Because that's big for me. Like my, I have a, I actually think my first pic on Raya is like a thotty picture, but I do have like a funny one in there.

Mm-hmm. You know? Because like personality is key. You can describe what you're seeing oh I'm so sorry it's a podcast oh sorry okay so right um so the first picture is you and splits laughing smiling having a great time got another pic with you dropping down get your eagle on next to a little Barbie jeep. You with a, what record is that? Eddie Murphy, Party All the Time. Smiling, being cute. You showing off your body.

Picture with a big old dildo. Yeah. And we're, I mean, you can throw it out there. Jake and Amira told me to move it further down. It used to be the first one. Oh, yeah. But they were like, just put it towards the end. Yeah.

I like that it snuck in there. As I can't see it, is it like an intimidating dildo or is it like a friendly dildo? It's comical. Why? It's intimidating. Anybody who's intimidated by it

is out of their mind. Yeah, like, this is certainly going in no one. Yeah. It's absurd. It would be a feat, I think, for most porn stars to take that. I don't think it's actually humanly possible.

I think it is humanly possible. It would fit in your butt before a vagina. Probably. How come your butt can stretch out so good? Because there is not a cervix. You just have a lot of space in there.

There's nothing to hit. Picture with you and your there. So there's nothing to hit. Specifically. Specifically depth, yeah. Picture with you and your dog. So cute. Yeah, Clyde. He'll eat ya. And then another picture of you shown off your body in a unitard, I believe is what that is called.

Definitely a thought. The happiest out there. I guess you could call me a BBW. Bored but wild. Also, I just watched the Minion movie, so let's talk about it. Hilarious. That's a solid profile.

I think this is a great profile. I've had no hits recently. Really? Yeah. I've been matching with dudes, and nobody's been reaching out. No one's been talking. Do you reach out?

Do you ever start the convo? You want them to start the convo, yeah. Because I feel then on Tinder Do you reach out? Do you ever start the convo? You want them to start the convo Because I feel like on Tinder men don't like it when you reach out Bumble you have to reach out Which is a weird I was never quite into that. When I did Bumble I'd stress out I'd be like I actually like that they have to

do that part. It is a little stressful and then I can react And then on Bumble, I don't know, men are all about numbers, so they swipe yes on everybody and then weed out who they like and don't like, which I think is so annoying. I did match with a friend on Bumble,

and then we made a sex date, and then he was like, well, I am seeing somebody. And I was like, oh, cool. Well, I mean, then let's just fuck, because I know that you're with somebody and then I like got my period postponed it and then he was like actually uh we're like serious now and I was like cool see you later you dumpster yeah do you do you swipe right on your friends all the time you do yeah just to see if they swiped right on me me too and if I'm legit

interested I'll wait for them to reach out and if I'm not I'll be like isn't this terrible and they'll be like it is bad and I'm like

great now we don't it's done I don't think it's weird it's like everybody's on an app everyone's out here trying to fuck

everyone's out see I'm still prude that way I don't want anyone I know to see me on the apps I want to just tap into if I'm to see me on the apps like I want to just tap into

like if I'm gonna be on the apps and separating like the people I actually know and like going into a different pool I want to keep them separate weirdly

I don't know what that's about I think that's still just me being like I don't know should I be on the apps like I think I just have to own it

and get over it but I also didn't know that you have to like delete your account to actually get off of the app like I just deleted the app and you have to like delete your account to actually get off of the app like I just deleted the app and for months

I was just out there like floating until friends like screen grabbed me and were like hey what's up girl and I was like oh

fuck I recently did match with a friend who I'd had sex with years ago and then we started having sex again so that was nice. Oh that is

nice. But again he didn't live here or live in New York so it was like when he was around we fucked. And it was convenient. Do you guys like do you know how many people you've had sex with? Yes. I don't know the exact number. I'm not exact but I periodically

make lists just to like check that I remember everybody because it freaks me out to forget. And you don't save them? Yeah. The lists? Yeah. They always just float around my notes app. Oh.

Once I did it in someone else's journal, so I didn't save that. We just did that as a game, and then it went into his possession. I'm at like 40. Okay. I think I'm at 30. I think I'm 32. I think I'm at 30. I think I'm 32. I think I'm at 31. Oh, nice.

But I have a whole... List. Word document where I describe each encounter. And rate their dicks. Yeah. Good for you. And then lately I've been putting my intention, trying to do the secret. Yeah, yeah.

Like speak things that I want into existence. Yeah. And then I learned I got to be more specific. Good for you, though. I think I'm around 40. Yeah. I recently had this experience. It's never happened to me before.

Someone walked into my bar, and my first thought was, that's a hot guy. And then I realized about 20 minutes into talking to him that I had had sex with him I sat next to a man on the bus I had sex with when I was living in New York and we ended up talking and he was like I know you from somewhere and I was like I know you from somewhere and then uh finally it clicked and we were like oh oh, we've fucked. And then he was like, goodbye. And I don't know if that was his stop.

But man, I love the bus. It's just a big car. I used to love taking the bus. We're in New York. You guys live in Brooklyn? Yeah, we're in Greenpoint. I lived in Harlem and I loved taking the 104 bus up Broadway. Because, I don't know, Broadway's just like really great people watching because there's a lot of

tourists and shit. Yeah. And then you see them interact with like the people who live. I loved it. And it goes to like the whole city

so you can actually see all different kinds of rocks. It's like Times Square goes up 8th and then hits Broadway. It's a tour bus really. I love it. A tour bus for $2.50.

Actually I don't know how much the subway is anymore. I think it's $2.75 now. Dang. They're robbing us. It's crazy. And it sucks worse than ever. The MTA the subway is anymore. I think it's 275 now. Dang. They're robbing us. It's crazy. And it sucks worse than ever. Yeah.

The MTA is a hot mess. I mean, come on, Bill de Blasio. Right? That's him. Call him out. Yeah. Bill. Come on, Bill.

I have no idea who the mayor of California is. I was going to say, I can't reciprocate. I don't know who the mayor of California is. The mayor of LA, you mean? Of Los Angeles. Oh, fuck. Governor. Fuck.

We'll start there. Schwarzenegger? He was at one point the gov. He's a gov. I don't know. The governator. Do you guys pay for porn? Yes.

Really? Yeah. Why? More now that we have the podcast, obviously. Now I have a bunch of subscriptions. But my thing is, I want to make sure these performers are paid. Yeah. Performers are paid.

Directors are paid. All the people who worked on it are paid. And, like, if I'm going to pay, you know, $15 a month for fucking Netflix. Yeah, the thing is, if you find, like, a good platform, it really is just, like, another subscription. And it's not that much, and there's enough content there. Yeah. And the stuff we go for is, like, good production value. It's ethical, and it's fucking hot.

So, you know, we're trying to sort of chip away at the porn world where there's sex trafficking or you're just watching something and like leeching off of what are like all the porn aggregates, Pornhub, YouPorn, RedTube, Brazzers. They're all owned by one company. Oh. Yeah. But do the performers get paid? Is it like a podcast where they get ad revenue?

Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. But if you're watching something on like Pornhub, it could have been uploaded by anyone. If it's a verified account, then it is like, oh, they're like a YouTube creator. It's sort of the equivalent. They are taking some of that ad revenue.

But if it's just you're doing a random search and finding a random video, then chances are none of that money is going back. It's like that ad revenue. Right. But if it's just you're doing a random search and finding a random video, then chances are none of that money is going back. It's like stolen. Oh. Yeah. I'm glad I asked this question. Yeah.

Listeners, you heard it here. Only watch from verified accounts. That's right. If you're going to do the Pornhub whatever stuff or get a subscription to something. Yeah. What do you recommend? We like Erica Lust.

Yeah. X Confessions is my favorite. She's big. She's great. She's a director and like platform. Like she's a production company in and of herself.

I think that's where I watched this fat lady porn where there was just like a storyline that I wasn't here for. Yeah. Sometimes there's too much.

You don't want the storyline. Do you like the amateur vibe? Are you sort of like you want it to feel like voyeuristic a little bit? I guess so. I just really don't like it when they're talking because they're never good actors. Yeah. And I'm like, well, what am I doing? Why am I watching this?

I don't believe you're in love. I don't like that kind of porn either, but I But I want a little bit of, like, production value. I like a setup. Like, I like a, oh, we're in this, like, library or something. Oh, okay. You always go back to that one. Into, like, libraries or bookstores. Like, fucking my books.

Yeah. But I just want to believe that they want to be fucking. Yeah. That's as much as I ask for. Like, I believe that these people are enjoying this sex. Mm-hmm. And even that is, like, a reach sometimes in a lot of mainstream porn. Mm. We also do

Trench Code X run by Storia. Started by two porn stars. Crashpad is great for queer porn. Crashpad series. Kink.

Ersties. Pink Label.TV is like a place where you can search different kinds of independent porn. Bright Desire. Yeah.

Burning Angel. Frolic Me is okay. Oh boy. There's so many. You can also just go to girlsonporn.com and look at our like video page

because we link to the stuff we review. Four Chambered Heart. Yeah. Oh, Four Chambered Heart. Yeah. How much do you spend a month on porn?

I don't want to know. Oh, you don't know? I don't want to know. What is it right now? I mean, it's not actually that outrageous. Oh, I'm paying about. How many subscriptions do you have going, girl?

I mean, we've got to expense this. We've got to put that on the LLC. I've probably got about 80 bucks a month. Wow. I'm not there. I'm at like 10 or 20. Yeah. I found this one performer who I really like, and I can't find him again.

Oh, no. Maybe we know him. He's kind of rough. Oh.. Maybe we know him. He's like kind of rough. Oh. And he chokes ladies. Okay. But they all seem into it. It's not James Dean, is it?

No. Okay, because I was about to ruin James Dean for you. I know he's no bueno and I know he does things that haven't been spoken about prior to the scene being shot. Maybe it's,

who was the guy in the Trenchcoat Ex-Porn with the like princess? Xander Corvus. Xander Corvus. Maybe look him up. He's hot and he's rough. Yeah. We've come to a point in the podcast where I ask a question that I

ask almost everybody. I think I've missed three people. Would you guys date me? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. What a treat. I absolutely would date you. I live in another city, so we have to figure out the long distance thing and do a lot of face timing. It's okay. I'll come to Idaho.

Thanks, babe. Yeah. I would absolutely date you. You're funny. You're hot. You're down to earth. You're a good time. You have therapists, which is important.

Yeah. I do. Do you work on yourself? I would absolutely date you. I'm trying so hard. Thank you. And my dick is as big as that dildo,

so don't even worry about it. What a treat. I'm looking to get split in half. Aren't we all? I mean, that's all I really want. Just like a big dick

attached to a kind person who's got their own money, who I find attractive, doesn't have to be attracted to other people, just to me. A hundred percent. Yeah. I couldn't have said it better myself.

That's all I want to do. Well, we've come to the end. Gosh. Would you guys like to promote anything? Just listen to Girls on Porn. Also on HeadGum. Yeah. It's an amazing podcast.

Super funny, informational. We review porns with the point of view of an ethical feminist. Yeah, and to help you find good stuff to masturbate to. That doesn't make you feel concerned about people's well-being. Yeah. Well, that's it for us. We're done. What a dang treat for everybody involved.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe, and if you leave me something nasty, I will read it out loud. This person said, I want to stick a bicycle pump in your vag and pump you full of air, and I want to pull your pussy lips tight like the opening of a balloon and stretch them

lips to play the tune of Elephant Baby Walk by Henry Massini. Once the air is out, I'll paint my body pink and you can ride me slapping my ass while you scream, get the lead out, baby elephant. So I have lead poisoning in there? Okay, goodbye. This has been a Team Coco production.