Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Building Your Date's File (w/ Larry Owens)

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

Multi-award winning actor and comedian Larry Owens (A Strange Loop, Abbott Elementary) chats with Nicole about his experience attending a bear festival, being the fixer-upper in a relationship, and the dangers of Googling someone after a first date. Plus, Larry teaches Nicole some complex new vocabulary. Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where we do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Where me, it's as if I've never done an intro before in my whole life. Where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take me up in a hot air balloon, push me out and say, bye bye, bitch. I hope you fly home.

My guest today is a multi-award winning actor, comedian and singer who starred in the Pulitzer winning musical, A Strange Loop, that I tried to see in New York City last time I was there, but was unable to for lack of time. You can see them in shows like Habit Elementary, Search Party, and Modern Love. Beep, bop, boop, bop, boop, beep. I'm joined by Beep, beep, boop, Larry Owens. Oh, wow. Hi. Hi, hi, hi, Oh, wow. Hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

How are you? Oh my gosh. After that intro, I'm absolutely, I'm falling out of the parachute with you. It was a hot air balloon. I love that. Who cares? We're up in the sky, floating down, having a nice time. Yes, we're airborne.

Larry, how are you? I'm great. I am in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Come through, Brooklyn. Yes, and I am just living my birthday week. Happy birthday week. Thank you. It often gets overshadowed by Thanksgiving.

And then on leap years, my birthday sometimes is on Thanksgiving. And so... I am so sorry that your birthday is on a racist holiday based in lies. Christopher Columbus

discovered nothing because the indigenous people were already here but the saving grace is the mac and cheese is really good oh my gosh so yeah just hundreds of years of institutional racism counteracted by mac and cheese but not with the rue

black people are starting to make the mac and cheese with the rue what do you mean starting I don't know I don't think that rue was a part of ours We are starting to make the mac and cheese with the roux. What do you mean starting? I don't know. I don't think that roux was a part of ours. I think we were just like cheese in that casserole dish.

I don't know. I've never made the mac and cheese. Larry! I don't cook. So how do you think mac and cheese was made? I think that they just put a bunch of cheeses in it. No, you have to make the roux so there's a little um uh there's salt there's pepper there's butter there's i want to say fabric softener but

i mean flour flour flour you mix that all up and shit and then there's like milk if you want to do heavy cream there's heavy cream then you add the cheeses to that and you make your fucking roux and you dump it over the fucking noodles. And then it goes in the casserole dish. And then you mix it all up and then you put another fucking block of cheese on top. Some fucking breadcrumbs or whatever. Some more seasonings if you want. And that's how you make it.

Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, absolutely. Sorry, I'm disgusting. I was like, it's almost like you host a cooking show. Like you really got into it like larry it's the only thing i know how to make one new year's eve i said i'm making the finger foods and i made mac and cheese and lasagna and when my guests arrived they were like whose fingers are the food for it's not finger food just dig your fucking paw into the casserole dish two two starch heavy casseroles essentially being passed off as finger foods i'm obsessed listen if you're gonna do it you better fucking do it larry i have a question

so you use the costar app yes yes? Yes. So, okay. How do you know? How do you know? Because my incredible assistant, Lindsay, does intense research on people. Okay. So, the CoStar app once told you that you would never find love. Do you still believe that horoscope? I know even more you were with sydney washington when you downloaded the costar app and and it told you you never find love sydney pointed out that some

people aren't meant to find people like oprah wait oprah has a person yeah oprah has stedman and Gail. And Gail. Yes. The CoStar app was basically like, you blaze so bright. Like, it was like a nag. They were trying to be nice to me about saying the meanest thing ever. They're like, your capacity for idealism and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But basically the thesis was, there's no one to handle you. But basically the thesis was there's no one to handle you. And in that moment, it gave me, as opposed to a lot of the societal norms of like, Oprah is not married, which you would expect for someone.

So that's not the same thing as the expectations, whatever the expectation structure is basically the co-star released me from the expectation structure which um oprah also was released from i guess but it was a really and here is sydney uh texting me right now um and uh wait really yeah sydney oh my gosh i know the synchronicity larry oh that's a good word it's she said oh yeah because i've been really busy she said hiding from me and then eyes and then she uh screenshotted me looking at her story earlier today so now i love sydney that is so funny i'm gonna take this photo of you on the zoom and i'm gonna send it to her and it's gonna i think it's gonna give all the context. I have been using all of my energy waiting to honestly have audience with one of my favorite comics. One of the most inspirational people. One of the people who, like, since I was a teenager, I've been watching on television. And, like, truly.

That makes me feel so old. No, stop it. No. But I, like. She to attain. No, seriously. This is my neck. No. But I like. She too had teen. No, this is my neck. This is my co-star neck. But it was literally like I was like sitting at home like wanting

to do what I'm doing now and like be a part of like this and like truly like one of the only images of the complexity of myself that I could see on television was you. And so it's been so inspiring.

And then like growing up a little bit and like realizing what the New York scene was and how like you were doing improv and with, oh my gosh, with Shashir and like in just like that and coming up through the comedy ranks. And I don't know all of it. You're just such an inspiration to me. And so I have been ignoring my friends because i have wanted to hold space for honestly this milestone like i never thought i would get i never thought i would get the why won't you date me mike i hoped to i i was like oh one day i will clear the bar you were in a

pulitzer winning musical, a polarizing musical that has been talked about nonstop, a strange loop. And you're like, I can't wait to be on. Why won't you date me? No, but honestly,

I mean, it is like, it is like sort of like the blissful again, here's this word complexity of my life. It's like, like while I was developing a strange loop, I got involved in this cadre of my life. It's like, like while I was developing a strange loop, I got involved in this cadre of Brooklyn comics. And, and like, so people had sort of like divested from the UCB system as

like queers and blacks and women and through like social media, you now could promote your own shows. And so I was like invited, like just to this amazing scene and without like seeing how you held space in the arena and the development of your career like it really like gave me you know if you can't see it you can't be it but I was like I was like it doesn't matter doesn't matter what blah blah blah and blah blah is doing over here and over there it's like Nicole made it Nicole is everywhere Nicole is Emmy nominated she She's centered. She's centered in the campaign. She is.

She's the host. She's everything. And she's everywhere. And so she's everything. She's everywhere all at once. And so it's been so inspiring. And I'm so happy to be here. She's the moment. Larry, thank you.

That's honestly, that's really, really sweet. I don't know how to take a compliment, but I will take it is very kind you work so hard i do i'm exhausted actually i'm not exhausted i like what i do i always joke around that i'm like i'm so tired and sometimes i am but for the most part like i love what i do i get to live my fucking dream i get to like drive onto universal i have a trailer and then i get to act on three different sound stages like it's really incredible no it's so fun people are the same thing with me and my hyphens they're like how do you do it i'm like it's actually like fun it's great like once you get through the subterfuge of like developing know, your career and sensibility, like then you kind of get to do the stuff.

Larry, you keep using big fucking words. I don't know. Subtle, suppletude. What did you say? Did I say subterfuge? What is that word? Underbelly, undertow. How funny.

The like bad stuff beneath. My God, I love this vocabulary. I know, I'm so insufferable. There's another one. That means annoying. Larry, I'm so insufferable there's another one that means annoying larry i know what insufferable means i am insufferable larry let me ask you a question okay so like do you have a perfect partner in mind like when you think of romance and who you, because you're single, yes? Yes. The poster app said you are single.

Ah! Ah! So, like. The detective. When you're thinking of a partner, like, what are you thinking about? Oh, my gosh. I mean, honestly, I just shifted my idea. I just shifted my idea of the person.

Well, tell me what the shift was from and what it went to. Okay. So I used to have this like holistic, open hearted, really like trying to check off all the boxes of intersectionality. I was like, it is about who is inside. It is about who they are.

I don't care what they look like. And just like, you know, just having this, like, I don't have a type thing like which okay like which like wasn't true i think it was an absolute okay that's the fault in love is blind because they gathered a bunch of very good looking people to blindly date each other and then thought

that they wouldn't have any biases when they met each other and i was like have we never met pretty people before pretty people are not the people who are like i don't care what they look like no never said a pretty person ever no some of our most shallow or some of our prettiest actually how that works i interrupted tell me who who you were into. So it was nobody. You had no type. And then what did it shift to? And now I just really think that I should be with like the hottest, richest, like smartest, most cultured person ever. What a dream. Like I think that this person exists fully formed, fully formed hot in, in a patriarchal, classic, 90s movie way,

of any race, of any race, but guess what? They can be white, and I have not allowed that. Like, I haven't verbalized that, no,

I've been trying to be like, for the people, like, I want my man to represent my hair type, but now I'm like, actually, I've been, I've been drinking the cup of like, dark, and handsome romantic lead.

And those people show up in relationships differently than not those people. So I've been fucking around with these humble pies. And it just doesn't work because I'm like, now it's like, because even though I can comport in that and like that's definitely, I'm double cancer. So I'm Sag, double cancer. So like I absolutely can turn down, go inside, be solo key. But then there is that moment where we go outside and we like face the big world. And that spine needs to be straight. That chest needs to be broad.

You need to be looking motherfuckers in the eye and being like, this is my man. Because the thing is, you know what I mean? I need that. I need that power. I need that conviction. I need that fully formed. I can't grow a man at 28. Although I have my first instance of being like,

oh, is this how this works? Does this man being a fixer-upper put me in the power position? Toxic to be thinking about love in terms of doesn't no no no no no no no no i'll tell you something a fixer-upper puts you in the least powerful position because the fixer-upper will have all the power because the fixer-upper you give them a bunch of stuff, and then they leave you all fixed up, beautiful, shining, the most expensive man on the block. And then someone else moves in, and they enjoy your refurbished kitchens and bathrooms that you put so much tile and effort into. I removed that grout.

I did it myself. You don't deserve that grout. It's my grout. I relayed that tile. Yeah, no, I guess I did learn this. I guess I can tell the story. I like hate sharing anything personal, but I guess it'll be all vague.

But it's a very small community of people who look like me and gayness. So that was kind of what I'm dealing with. Okay, anyway, so it was September. I was preparing to do a show at the Bell House and I was completely revamping my hour September a light breeze very crisp

leaves were falling one by one walking to the Bell House nuzzling in for a show okay so you're going to the Bell House I was preparing for a show there but I was in Manhattan rehearsing because you know I'm a musical comic. So I was like, I have a band.

I have backup singers and we were dancing. So we just had this dance rehearsal and my heart was so open from like choreographing for my girls. Like in a way that like normally I do very cerebral like music, music, music. And it's just like my body isn't in it. Anyway, after rehearsal, I left and I was like, I'm not ready to go home. And I got pinged by a dating app and it was like, Bear Festival at blah, blah, blah. And I said, I said to myself at Big 30, I said, if I can stand on Fire Island around those people for weeks of a quarter share, I can certainly spend one afternoon at the Bear Festival. Okay.

And so I went to the Bear Festival and, I mean, there was just an absolute wealth of, like, things that happened that, like, made me realize, like, babes, an entire community based on people who look the same is everything that I've avoided for my entire life I was like wait oh I was like I get it but also like the whole point of this is that we look the same and then there's like a community of like muscle version who like literally are elitist like there's like a muscle but like they're invited still there were the people that I knew at the bear festival were all skinny comics who were still showing no romantic or sexual interest in me in this environment as well so i was like oh so you like this so we're on fire island and you would never think that you like this then we go to the bear festival was like oh you like this but still not my version but still

not me then i met i met a bear and he was so sweet he was like my tour guide he was like oh my gosh blah blah blah he blah, blah. He's like, to the left are the cubs. To the right are the full grown bears. We've got the hairies, the smooth, the long hairs, the short hairs. We've got the red bears over there, a bunch of gingers. I love the idea of a bear tour guide. A bear tour guide.

So he's like, why are you wearing so much clothes? He's like, take off your shirt. Take them off, put on he's like, he's like, he's like, why are you wearing so much clothes? He's like, take off your shirt. Take them off, put on some suspenders, put on a little hat. The crux was, the crux was that

I guess he was sensing in me some insecurity that wasn't there. I was just, I was an outsider. It was my first time in Oz. I was like, okay.

But he goes, you know, I had the gastric sleeve and I feel so much better about myself. Unsolicited. And I said, is this an advertisement? I didn't say it out loud, but like I clocked. I was like.

The Bear Festival brought to you by bariatric surgery. That's a con if I ever heard one. Gather all the fatties together and be like, you know what I did? I went and lost weight and I feel really good about myself don't you want to feel better in your leather that's honestly diabolical but it was like it honestly was like sweet like it was like i could i could sense i could sense you know the projection you know what i mean and i was like actually like i am just i'm like truly having just this experience of like of a festival there's food trucks there's there's performances there was a people walking on stilts i loved it but um at the end in the day i i did meet someone

who i started dating and uh i did what i never do after the first night of like a really really nice chemistry and like everything i I have stopped doing this. But I did it that night. And it honestly is kind of the crux. So I built the file. Okay. Where after the first meeting or like the first contact, you go online and you build the file. Yes.

And I went to go build the file. Like literally off of pieces of information. It was the first night. I was like, I literally have like a part of a profession i have and i have an accent and i went and i went and i found out that the person who i who was completely handsome completely charming who i totally liked did not used to be a bear oh and the very recent past oh so they quickly became a bear yeah and not only that their pre was my toxic patriarchal ideal oh no that's the problem with gathering the information and building the file you find out things that

you don't want to know i truly i will date somebody for half a second find out who their exes were and then stack myself up against the exes and be like well this is a real turn from the type i can't win because why would you want this when you want that you have this already this is what is this like an exploration into fat black what's going on i love it in equation, we can never be worthy. I love it. No matter how it sifts out, we're always coming up short. We're always looking for a dime or a quarter. But I, honestly, so the person I was with, let's call it Seth Rogen without a stylus.

Okay. But the pre. Cutie. But the pre. Okay. The pre was Adam Driver. Oh. Honestly, I think those are both delightful options. I know.

I know. Two cuties. Exactly. But unfortunately, we just didn't have. I see someone who's been to therapy, I guess. That is a thing. been to therapy i guess that is a thing a lot of gentlemen leaning people just don't like they don't like to ask for directions to go to a place and they don't want to ask directions how to heal their heart do you know what i'm saying it's like why not just ask for help why not just ask for

help i love help I love my therapist. She's truly, like, yesterday, I told her a bunch of stuff, and she's like, let's just hold space for these feelings. And I'm like, yes, queen. Yes. We're just going to stay in a whole space. I love it. My thing is that I just, like, therapy has just, like, helped me to communicate even better. Like, as, like, an actor, an actor i think did not come out without words like i have always loved language as you can tell but they're like they always allow me to be

like okay you can feel that express it and like if it's a healthy relationship the person should not like run away or like be angry at you for expressing like that's part of um part of it is like how you're how you're heard and responded to. And so there were just moments where I would just like, I was like looking, I was so excited. This would have been my first boyfriend. We ended up seeing each other for like almost like six to eight weeks. Huge in my life. We were seeing each other multiple times a week in a way that like I love.

Like in New York, it's very hard to not have dates a week apart. But we were just casually like, you're getting off of work, come over. Just like that, really? I know there was so much about it that was good. But there's nothing that could be worse than just being like, hey, let me in. And the person having no tools. Basically, it's just toxic of me. You can help me.

Because I was just like waiting i was waiting for this person to reveal about the dramatic change wait waiting for them to reveal what the dramatic change in body okay that is toxic because it's not your business oh i know it was hard because i built the file that was was the moment I went wrong. Yes. And it's like, that's what I mean. Like we, we should truly wait for people to tell us things from their past as opposed to searching it out. And then when it's mentioned going, oh my God,

I had no idea. I was definitely going to play that. I was definitely going to play what? You spend time like rehearsing, being like, I never knew. Wow, that must be so wild for you. And it's like, well, just let people reveal themselves. I know. Like, I have a problem with that.

I love to find out as much as I can about somebody. But also, I have ADHD. So like, a lot of times I forget about the good stuff I've learned. And then we'll only remember the toxic stuff that doesn't fucking matter. Like whoever you dated before me, doesn't matter. You've dated someone before me. You'll date someone after me,

how you looked like before I met you, you'll look like something else after we've been together. So like what matters is like the meat between the bread or the jelly and the peanut butter if you're a vegetarian for me this like whole experience and i i knew that like i ruined it by like the moment that i found that i was ruin it that i knew it was over once i found i was like oh my gosh because i in this way the conversation of being like i it alerted me to being like you have been trying to like exclude a certain thing to like be to like fall politically

like better like to like be like romantic politically like more clear and I was like no I want a tall brawny man who like can just be like who can just like talk easily I think what we all all of us single gals need to learn

is to honestly just be a little chill and I cannot take my own advice. Wait, what are you talking about? Be chill? Just be a little chill. Who, me? I know. No!

I'm truly, I'm the least chill person in America. This isn't the chill. We're both wearing purple stripes. We are wearing purple stripes. Mine's from Target. Where's yours from? I think it's a scotch and soda. Oh, never heard of it.

Scotch and soda sounds very good. But yeah, like I just need to chill a little bit. And like the last person I dated, I was like, oh boy, I'm very argumentative. They say one thing and I'm like no and it's like do you really have to be like that do you really have to argue every little you could just say okay and it's not gonna kill you so then i practice saying okay in the mirror or like you're right yes okay to try to like really make it more normal because i don't want to just say okay i want to be like no here's my opinion don't you want to know it i'll talk forever

and it's like oh friends don't even want that let alone like a romantic partner oh my god dating is truly awful real, Larry. We got to take a break. Larry, we're back. Okay. Do you think, okay, so I don't know how you identify. Do you identify as plus size, large, bear, fat,

flabby, rotund. I was like, you know, I have a few here, but they're going to be 12 more letters. Rubenesque. Falstaffian.

Falstaffian is good. Wait. Absolutely. We're going around the corner to say it. How did you get all these words in your brain? I don't know. I just like theater. You remind me of my mother.

Oh, my God. She knew so many words. And to the point where I'd be like, bitch, i don't know what you're saying to me you just like eight fucking things in a row that don't fucking make sense it's so fun it's so fun i'm like leaning into i'm like leaning into language i it's probably because i like i truly just wrote my first play i had a reading of it on friday it's called five sisters i have five sisters in real life and so it's like Bridgerton aesthetic but we say nigga a lot and so it's like the perfect encapsulation

of like ideal and expectation and yeah I just used a bunch of words in it like I was like writing it after Shakespeare in Chekhov so I was just like it was like an arena where I could just go off you know as opposed to writing television where they're like get to the commercial sooner.

Yeah. Dumber the better. And make sure you put in our branding deal with the fucking Teletubbies. Make sure to bring Tinky Winky in by page eight. So, and yeah, I went to boarding school and acting school. You know, I'm just giving very much that aesthetic. Pulitzer Prize winning play. Yeah, you know, I get my hands dirty. Yes.

Okay, so I know how, like, you know, you get a show made. How does a Broadway show get made? A Broadway show, I mean, there's tons and tons of ways. But usually it starts with, like, a really, really smart writer. Yeah. Usually, like, the composer for a musical. Like, you got to have, like like a really, really smart writer. Yeah. Usually like a music, like the composer and then for a musical, like you got to have like a really great score or story that's grandfathered

in. So imagine it's an original show. Then you like find the, you get like a reading going, which takes a ton of time and a ton of money, but no one sees it. Yes. And then everyone judges it.

And then you get maybe like one or two people who are like, okay, we see what it could be. And they help you just like do that same process over and over again. Yeah. And then there could be like six months. It could be eight months. It could be a year of just like blissful silence or unblissful rather. Like, you know, I learned how to live with it for development.

But like you could like not hear anything for a while. And then suddenly you're in the play again and then there becomes this great moment where you find the the people who will put it up and so for a strange loop in particular that process i just for the moment i got the script and saw a fat black queer intelligent intelligent protagonist on the musical theater stage, I truly wrote Michael and was like, please, may I play this? And it was one of those moments where I was like, if I don't do this, then I have to get a new profession

because this is the most perfect thing in the entire world. And so, yeah, just from that moment, believing in it, and I never would say it out loud, but showing up to that process, I would go like, this is a Pulitzer Prize winning piece of work. I was like, this isn't niche. Just because it's confrontational and complex, my favorite word, complex.

And just because it's all of these things does not make it niche. It's as wide as any other thing. I go and watch the white play, and it's three times as crude, half as coherent, and we'll just go and watch it tomorrow. present in my body and my skill aggrandize the true lived lived lives of people who don't get to be at the center of media and shows and a beautiful beautiful like musical like this and it being a musical made it so much harder because uh like a complex black play they'll do it they'll be like ah we love it but like a musical is really like uncharted territory for black people outside of like jukebox. Hey, you know what I mean?

Or Carolina Change or the stove in the oven be singing to her. I randomly like Caroline, but the original production, I really like the original production. Like the original production of Carolina Change, it was like Tanya Pinkins was like defying she was like defying that like the image of it and it was actually it was in this revival that I was like oh my god I let a white man write this

I've been loving this show for 20 years I said Tony Kushner is writing this black speak uh huh I think I saw the one with time wait when did it was 2004 when it uh yes yeah so i did see it i did see the original oh my gosh oh my gosh yes because you're a secret little broadway fan come take the train over from jersey i will you're in the broadway documentary i will confirm it people have asked me i don't know if i've

confirmed it or not but people have asked me so many times is that you and i'm like it's my face i literally have a necklace on that says nicole and i'm crying about boy george's musical which is maybe the gayest thing you could cry about taboo i loved the taboo i saw it i saw it like six times but like a lot of those times were half times where we'd sneak in after intermission. Oh my gosh second acting Yes. It was one of the first things I got to see that was like

so queer and gay and colorful and musical theater is inherently gay and colorful but like this was like men kissing and loving and I was like oh my word and I was in high school and I was like this was like men kissing and loving and i was like oh my word and i was in high school and i was like this is for me i would kill to be able to sing because all i want to do is be on broadway i can get you there no i literally i truly can

babe i i know all your work. I know all your podcasts. I hear you do the same thing, but I listen to your vocal quality so much and I hear you fake sing. You have the bones of it. You have the bones of it. I was told by a singing teacher that there was a voice deep inside me.

All I'm saying is if that role comes across your desk where they're like, Nicole, we would love for you to be in this Broadway musical, and you're scared, call me. I'll fly in immediately. And then we'll do a making the band type rehearsal structure where I get you ready. I want that for you.

What musical would you love to be in besides Taboo? Boy George's Taboo. What musical would you love to be in besides Taboo? Boy George's Taboo. Hmm. I mean, to fulfill childhood fantasies, Rent. Oh. I love Rent.

And I saw one of the final performances of the touring company of Rent in, I think it was New Brunswick, New Jersey. It has to be. It was truly, like, thrilling. thrilling was it good who's to say but i absolutely loved it hold on what musical would i want to be in i feel like dream girls is so obvious i'd have to i'd have to really think about it yeah i want you in chicago i want you as roxy in chicago chicago's fun oh yeah that see i would have i truly would have thought you would have said mama morton because that's like the words the range doesn't have to be there all the time i feel like roxy is an easier sing than mom board mom board has to like oh you are right well that's what i mean take it home she does but also i've seen some of the casting she doesn't yes yes yes when wendy

williams did it i love wendy williams talk about it have you watched her on the mass singer as a pair of lips where she's like it it's iconic, it is beautiful. Wait, I asked you minutes ago about being Ruben-esque. Oh, yeah, and I said, I'm going around the corner from this question. I don't identify. I'm thin. I'm thin as a rail. I identify as

Gigi Hadid. I'm very thin and I hope you're worried about me. Oh my god. I identify as fat i i think i use the word fat and i'm honestly it's the only thing that's getting me angry right now is that i like can't get dressed by like fashion people like that there's like i'm like you know i'm around a lot of stuff like christian siriano is truly the most high end I've gotten to wear. And I was like, do I have to get to like Lizzo status to wear like Gucci to wear like Valentino?

I would love it. What do I do? What do we do? And it's like not even for like a big event, not for red carpet. I'm talking about just like clothes. Oh, yeah. That too. bit i'm talking about just like clothes like oh yeah that too it's like so i can't find specific articles of clothing that i want because they consistently make the same shit every fucking season and i i hate to tell you the peplum is back the trapezoid clothes? Clothes shaped like a trapezoid? It's giving rhombus.

They're like, every fat person has parts of the body that they love and parts of the body that they hate. Absolutely hate. Let's drape something over it. And it's up to us to decide. Yes. But yeah, I want a pair of purple pleather pants. And I cannot find them anywhere i also want a pair of jeans with smiley faces embroidered on them i cannot find any embroidered jeans in my size not even like

like old ones like old 80s ones like i just can't find what i'm looking for ever that sounds so cute both of those like both of those outfit, that would be inspired by that. So I want embroidered smiley pants. And I also want the purple leather pants. Thank you. This is what I want. Please give it to me. And it's like, can we get the big person clothing fun like this?

Fun and cheeky and personality yes you know what i mean and like personality driven as if we have personalities so like reformation love very cute dresses but they don't make everything in fat i'm like why do we only get a couple of dresses and exercise shit like i get it okay bitch you can wear a dress but you also have to exercise reformation how rude i they have these smiley face jeans that i fucking want, and they don't go up into fat. It's rude. Wait, Larry, I asked if you were Rubenesque because. Do you think you would date more if you were thinner?

Are you kidding me? Yeah. Are you kidding? It is just the most. are you kidding it is like it is just the most like i like i go to fire island every like this past few summers because like my community is there of like comics and like actors and like you know journalists like it's just like truly where my friends are and it's like it's a gorgeous beach like near new york you know what i mean you can't get to Positano. Like, all right, we go there to the Pines. But just like it being like a destination of sex. Like it just being like, and it just being so dry there for me.

Like just the numbers, the odds are like literally, like if it was baseball, you put me right on the bench. But at the same time, like, everyone wants a conversation. Like, everyone wants to come over. Everyone's talking. They love the work. They love the blah, blah, blah. Like, there's no, like, lack of visibility. And I'm just right.

I'm right there sitting next to the other girls as, like, open. There's, like, no, like, I used to take on a lot of it inside of me being, like, you're not open enough. You're, like, not la, la, la, la, of me being like you're not open enough you're like not you're not enough basically and I'm like but this this curmudgeonly ass shrink face ass shrew face ugly ass bitch next to me is fucking pulling and they look like a shoe yes that is devastating when I like go on Instagram whatever and I'm like'm like, this raggedy ass, snaggletooth, little rat looking motherfucker has a really cute man. What? I'm adorable.

Oh, my gosh. Skinny whiteness will literally get any doornail looking chewing gum under the table. Head ass dumpster back recycling bin ass motherfucker has a man it is truly truly wild like i i think about it a lot like in acting and in relationships because i feel like it's one in the same it's like dates are just auditions and just a different we're just headed to a different outcome. One's a job. One is a job, a relationship. And I'm like, I think I would book more stuff. I mean, not to say that I don't work a lot. I do work a lot.

We work plenty, Annie, but we're talking about slayage. Yes. Yes. Like, I would be in a ton of different stuff if I wasn't fat. Because I'm sure a hundred things I've auditioned for, there was one who was like that character can't be fat you know yeah and it's like you go on a hundred dates and a lot of those people are like oh man great but like i can't date a fat it's insane i literally have like and like no joke like from like the u UCB up until now, like, I've, like, tracked every single person of notes, like, success. And, like, the different ways that they, like, plug into the industry to get that thing that we all want. And, like, watching, like, you defy what could be the trajectory and still get to such a place of prominence despite the things that are freely given to other people based on their size and other identity factors like it's actually insane and it's like more than

being like angering it's just like it's just like you're it's just your money like why are we being funny with my money now it's like it's like why can i walk into a room would have every person there want to be an audience with me and And then when I go through the gatekeeping sources, you want to pretend as if no one will want to be around. Yes. When it's actually not true, honey. It's not true. Yeah. It is such a strange thing to be like, well, I walked into that room.

There was five people in it. Everyone was laughing uproariously from the minute I arrived to the minute I left. There were no adjustments. Just do it again. And like, if you want to like go even more off script, go, go, really have fun. If you want to write more for us, yeah.

And then you do it and they're like, you get like a clap at the end where they're like that you were you my god we loved you nicole my god oh and then you hear nothing and then you see who was cast and you're like that woman's the size of my thigh and i now understand why and then you're like and she wasn't funny and you were like so you didn't you didn't even want anybody funny you brought me in for what it's it's so it used to be soul crushing but now it's just like hey that's what you want that's what you get yeah it's yeah it's so hard it's literally so hard because it's just when i think about it from a dating perspective i'm like the only barrier here

is honestly just some weird prejudice. Yes. There's nothing – no one would not be friends with me because I'm fat. But I know even if they could never verbalize it, there are hundreds and hundreds of guys who could never even conceive of me romantically or sexually because I'm fat. And so it's this like bastion of like prejudice that it's just, it's honestly mostly annoying. Like I'm fine. I go to sleep at night. I wake up,

I have a smile on my face. I thank God. I sing a high A. I, you know, get an iced coffee. So like, I'm not like,

you know, iced coffee. I go to Dunkin Donuts. She runs on Dunkin. Yeah, you're on Dunkin', honey. So it's like my life isn't stopped because of this, but it is just like so patently annoying. It is annoying. And I think a lot of it stems from like being fat or becoming fat is some people's worst nightmare.

It's their worst nightmare. So they're like, how could I look at my worst nightmare every day? How can I kiss my worst nightmare every day? How can I like rub my hands on the rolls of my worst fucking nightmare every day? And I'm like, stick a hand in it, honey. You might like it. It's so it's so hard that it yeah, it really is like the worst nightmare. So it's so hard that it, yeah, it really is like the worst nightmare.

Yeah. And it's, there's like such like more terrible things that could happen than like getting fat. It's true. There truly is. And then the worst part for me is that like I have no, I've had zero desire outside of like moments of pangs of pain and like feeling not enough because of the prejudice of the systems that I've been grandfathered in. And like feeling not enough because of the prejudice of the systems that I've been grandfathered in. Like outside of those like that combined maybe like four hours of my life where I'm really low. I never wake up and I'm like, I want to be skinny. Like I don't aspire to it. I like I have this body.

People in my family structure like have this body. Like it's not bizarre in my family structure to have this body and and the women because they're like they're black they're black women in a certain zip code like they like have no problem with you know that like sort of a romantic attention yes which is annoying because i'm like where do i have to go where do i have move? And that's the thing about it is when you see. When I see a bitch who looks just like me with like a big fucking chested dude with like dreads and like beautiful skin. I'm like, where do I have to go? Where do I have to move? Where do I have to move where they fucking want my fat ass?

I have such a beautiful butt. Like, where do I have to fucking go?. We gotta go to the hood, honey. I have such a beautiful butt. Like, where do I have to fucking go? We gotta go to the hood, honey. I guess so. Well, I'll be in Chicago for Thanksgiving. Well, I don't know. When does this come out? Mars, this comes out Friday.

Okay. Well, I was in Chicago for Thanksgiving. Get around the hood, hey. South side, do or die. Yeah, Chicago, they think it's the hood. It's not. I'm from Baltimore. That's the hood.

Chicago is the Midwest, honey. Y'all are out there being like, don't you know? Y'all don't got crime like we got crime. I'm gatekeeping. Nobody sounds like that in Chicago yeah but that's the vibe so the white people they spread their vowels

no black people sound like they're from Mississippi because they all came from Mississippi dang gang banging around Chicago like we gang banging around Baltimore and that's on God I've been to Baltimore once and I liked it it was was fun you're so seedy you're so john waters perverse thank you i watched one john waters movie and it changed my life in college i like

it's so wild the shit that you don't get to see growing up but then like your mind and brain get opened up in school and people are like watch this weird thing and you're like oh my god like i'd only seen hairspray fuck oh i think it was called desperate living and there was a fat black woman in it and at one point she was like i'ma sit on your face and i was like i love her i love that threat. I love it so much. I just love John Waters. Just like finding like the most interesting people to put in movies that you normally wouldn't see in movies. Absolutely. And it was just like weird. Like my like super religious mother, like so sweet.

But like her by being from Baltimore, we just have to revere John Waters. So like it's just weird thing of being like oh that's john waters and like having to know about him my whole life but then his catalog being what it is it's so there's a little but that's what i love the most cognitive diss you know it's like well this is someone we need to study and it's like what are we studying oh yes a drag queen ate shit in one of his movies. I still haven't seen it. I still haven't seen it. I'm like so like,

I'm like haunted by like what, what I'm dreaming of being in these movies. Versus like what's actually there. Like I know so much about divine eating the dog shit. Like, do I need to watch it at this point? I guess not. but honestly watch the divine documentary that's great um okay here's a question do you find people ask me this a lot so i'm gonna

ask you do you find that your success intimidates suitors i mean right now i feel like i'm getting a lot of like honestly honestly, like fans. Has that like you're getting like in the DMs and whatnot? Not in the DMs, but just like in the places that I'm going, like either IRL to the bear bar or to the online apps type situation. And like, they don't always, they don't always let on that they know the work. Usually I can tell by like, know someone's you know what they're wearing if they okay what do you mean let's dig into what do you yeah tell me about that no i mean it's just like new york like i would i would definitely like not go anywhere um else in the country and be like oh my gosh like let me let me make sure to act right in case anyone knows me but in new york it's like

between like brooklyn comedy the musical theater play and then like yeah being on national television like there's like you know pockets of people there's different pockets sure so there's like there's like a you were on search party outfit okay and location so like they're like i love search when you're like okay great and they're like there is also like the life and beth amy schumer like woman like there's like that like you know that's like that person as well and then there's like i get a lot of love from the black community from abbott now which i love and then the theater people love a strange loop so it's like oh it's like figuring out like which one not all of of these things, but which one of these things you could be clocking. What category they fit in.

They're clocking me for. And because it's like the admin conversation is very different than like a strange loop. They're like, I saw you off Broadway, like 200 seats. And they're like, yesterday, like the woman was crying. And I was like, I didn't even realize until this morning. I was like, she was crying at't even realize until this morning I was like she was she was crying at me with this performance and then and then there's also just like I saw you on this thing art is such a wild thing where it touches people in a way where you're like yeah I know I

did it but I didn't know you're gonna fucking cry about it and the next week I'll be like oh my gosh do you remember when she cried like I'll need that need that. But yeah, no, they don't let on. They don't let on always. And then you find out later and it's like. Has anyone hit on you by being like, how strange is your loop? And I'll fucking plug it up with my strange. I haven't gotten that one, no. Okay, fair.

Well, when the people slide into your DMs, if you use it, please quote me. No one's as creative as you are, so I don't know how they would ever. These scrubs that I've had the displeasure of entertaining for the past few months. I really tried. I have moments where I like get hopeless and there are moments where I'm like, absolutely up. Like I'm the most optimistic.

I'm like, I'm like here, I'm open hearted. I'm therapize. I have nice clothes for the first time. I'm like, I can take us to dinner. Like for the first time ever.

I can pay for dinner and it can be at a restaurant, not at McDonald's. not at McDonald's. Not at McDonald's. So I'm like, let's go and do this. And then every time, is it New York or is it just like everything? Honestly, it's New York. It's LA. I feel like it's the most, okay.

I'm not saying we're ugly people. I'm not saying we're not beautiful because I think we are two stunning individuals. I'm giving stunning. We're giving stunning. I'm looking at you. It's giving stunning. Hello, stun, stun for your money.

I will say that traditionally, we're not considered beautiful. By European Eurocentric standards, were not considered the creme de la creme. And I think both cities are run by Eurocentric standards. So we're easily like passed over in a way that's like so depressing. I too sometimes will sob in the shower

and be like, why not me? But then I'll remember something funny and be like, don't fall down in the shower shower and then like go about my day and be fine but like it is like one of those things where i'm like yeah if i moved to ohio i would clean up with this pussy do you know what i mean i went to like anywhere else i would like be thriving i'd have eight children and a husband who's like give me more baby or like whatever but it's like i don't want to be in those places and then also it's like maybe i don't want i don't know larry i know and that's sort of like where i've like resigned myself to just be like there's

so much that is happening that is like good like every day and it's like it honestly is enough and i think in this like last experience of almost having this boyfriend of like so much of it being right of being like oh my gosh like he holds me through the night like he like spontaneous enough to like have dinner just like on a wednesday like we would go to the theater a lot like the theater it's like that was a plus but then it was also a negative because you know the opinion it's a gay person with an opinion on theater honey sorry about it oh my gosh razor blades I was like babe we don't have to fight over dramaturgy right now I don't care I was like I have a voice that makes it sound like I care even when I don't. That's very funny.

Real quick, we have to take another break. Larry, we're back. That is funny to think about. Just I have a voice that makes it sound like I care. I think I have a voice that makes it sound like I care. I think I have a voice that makes it sound like I do not care. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm getting a phone call from the China mainland. Oh my God.

From the actual China mainland. That's TikTok calling. Do you think that's TikTok calling me? Yeah. They're going to put your shit in a cardboard box i couldn't answer that my number man i'm changing the locks answer please please please well it stopped ringing but like who who could that have been what a dream oh my god maybe that was maybe that was like my boyfriend maybe Maybe that's my new partner.

That's your partner. I should have answered. I am devastated that I didn't. That was the moment. Honest, I'm glad you chose me over them. Thank you. I didn't want to interrupt. I would never.

Okay. What is your dream musical to be in? My dream musical to be in? I don't know. Probably one that I wrote. Okay. I think I thought about it. I want to be Sally Bow Like, dream musical to be in? I don't know. Probably one that I wrote. Okay. I think I thought about it. I want to be Sally Bowles in Cabaret or a gender-bending MC in Cabaret.

Okay. I could definitely see it as both. I think that would be very, very fun. And as for a play, give me some August Wilson. I really like... Or George C. Wolfe's The Colored Museum. I don't know how they did that.

I don't know if it was like four people who played all the parts or everyone. I don't know, but I love The Colored Museum. It is such, such a fun play. You've been thinking about this. That is really highbrow. Both of these are really highbrow. Thank you. Including August Wilson.

Okay, great. So we'll have you replacing Danielle Brooks in the piano lesson on Broadway. Okay, alright. I'll do it. I'll step right in. I cannot wait to hear your Wilsonian dialect. Come on, give me 1920s sharecropper.

Hey, listen everybody, get in the field. No, no, no, no, no. Not on the MGM lot, honey. Actually, I love it. That's the experiment that we need right now. Oh, my gosh. Your Sally Bowles would be so devastating because. Thank you.

I was like, yeah, she's just so, she can get messy. And I think that you have the capacity as an actress. Thank you. To get messy, and I think that you have the capacity as an actress to get messy. Life is a cabaret, old chum. Listen, I can't do it. See, that's tone pitch. That was all in one key.

There was some vibrato. Oh, there was vibrato. There was. It was uneven, but it was there. Thank you. She's always uneven, but always here for a nice time. I'm to the cabaret. Oh, chum.

God, you have such a nice voice, which is really annoying for me. I just wish. I'm throwing it in. I'm throwing it in there. I'm trying to build a story here for the people. I wish I could, you know, just like rip one. Just be like, la, la, la, la, la. What do you sing in karaoke?

Cher, Believe. That was the last time I sang karaoke and it wasn't good it's a really it's a harder song than you think did it turn them up though no did it it didn't turn the people out the people were pretty upset it was not a gay bar it was a straight bar so they were like yikes do you believe in life who are after love? Who were you with? I was with my friend Evan, and I think it was just the two of us, and it was at the old Cabin in New York

before it became, do you know Cabin? Cabin used to be like a stand-up spot for like a lot of alt comics. It was a tiny rickety stage, and then they did karaoke some nights. I don't know what it is now. New York is very different than it was when I lived there.

I know. That was a while ago. How long have you been in LA? You've been in LA eight years? I think almost ten. I moved here in 2012. I didn't want to say it. It feels insane. I'm like

getting old. I know. But she say it. It feels insane. I'm like getting old. I know. But she's got nary a wrinkle. You truly look gorgeous. Honestly, your skin, you're so pretty. Oh my gosh. Thank you. If only you saw me without makeup.

There's like not a ton of beat on. You're right. Do you think you're beat? Do you think you're beat down right now? No, I'm not wearing any eye stuff, but I have concealer and then a little concealer on the cheeks and on the chin. I think that your eyes are shining.

There's an absolute glow about them. You have the world's brightest smile. Oh my gosh. Cheekbones, they're so, so high. They're like beautiful apples.bones. They're so, so high. They're like beautiful apples. Yes. You're so gorgeous. Larry, I could talk to you for hours and hours and hours, but I have to go to the dentist.

I really hate the dentist. Last time I was there, they gave me laughing gas and I don't remember much. I do remember being in the lobby and the lady being like, here are the magazines you wanted. And they were just a bunch of dentist magazines. I didn't want that. But, Larry, I ask most of my guests this, usually all, but then I forget. Would you date me? Yes.

I just spent the past five minutes describing you like an absolute cherubim. Oh, that's my final word, cherubim. There we go. Cherubim? Yeah, that's my final word, cherubim. There we go. Cherubim? Yeah, that means angel. God, I knew. Yeah, I would date you. Yeah, absolutely.

You're so funny. I've been stalking your professional career. Thank you. I hosted a podcast where I literally was almost impersonating you as a podcast host. Wait, really? Yeah, it was called What Makes You Sing. It's still available online for people listening. Yeah, I would have comics come into the studio

and we had a live accompanist and whatever popped up in our interview, we could just sing. So we would have done Sister Act together. We would have done Cabaret, Sally Bowles. I mean, if you were my guest, we would have done Carolina Change. We would have just sang those things together.

Do you still have this podcast? No. It stopped during Pando because we literally couldn't sing. Oh, because you couldn't be in person. I see, I see, I see. But it was so fun. And literally, I would be like, hey. I was literally like, what am I just saying?

I was doing Nicole LaBeyer podcast hosting. I love it. She's unhinged and why not have a fun time? You're the template. You're the mold is what I'm saying. Oh my God, Larry, you must stop. They broke the mold when they made you. They really did.

God must have spent a little more time on you. So, okay, Larry, going forward, what advice can you give us to find people? You should be as white and thin as possible if you can't be white you should choose a race that is close enough to whiteness that um gets you the um yeah the residual runoff of that and yeah you really should be focusing on on thin thin thinness that's the foolproof way and if um that doesn't work just continue to be like this dazzling person you are with your beautiful insides. I love that. I'm going to go with option A and I'm going to become Jennifer Lopez. Thank you so much. Good day and good night.

No, I'm kidding. Okay, Larry, is there anything you want to promote? Yeah, absolutely. I will be bringing my Stephen Sondheim hour to California. It'll be February at the Pasadena Playhouse. It's on Lario and Sondemia. And you can watch Abbott Elementary and Z-Way. And you'll see me.

I love it. And if you like this... Wait, how do I do my outro? Fuck. Okay. If you like... If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it,

you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something dirty at whywontyoudatemepodcasts at gmailmail.com do not send dick pics mars looks at it i never see what until she like gives me the little messages so don't send dick pics don't send pussy pics don't send asshole pics okay so this says hi nicole i'm a longtime fan of the pod i wanted to write you a silly poem that was easy to cold read. Wow. I guess you're talking about the last time I read a poem and really struggled. There once was a last name, Nicole, who announced she was on dick patrol. Synthetic or bio, won't matter. See,

still fucked it up. Won't matter to buyer. To blow out my back is the goal. That was nice. Thank you so much. Okay. Bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Bayer. Why Won't You Date Me?

is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a team coco production