Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Butt Stuff (w/ Monét X Change)

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

Drag queen Monét X Change (RuPaul's Drag Race, winner of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars S4) shares the story about how they got their first STD from a race chaser, breaking up with their partner on Thanksgiving, and offers tips how to ease into butt stuff.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and places to donate click here: https://linktr.ee/dragherFor more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuFollow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Hi, hi, hi. It's me, Nicole. Thank you for listening to Why Won't You Date Me? You're supporting a black artist. And there's many other black artists that you can support as well. And then there's just like black people you can just support. It's weird to like tell you to support black people, but like it's a thing that maybe someone needed to hear. If you live in L.A., there's a thing that maybe someone needed to hear if you live in la there's a link in my bio of my instagram and my twitter that has a link to black owned restaurants in la that you can help support um there's another link that just says more places to help black people and it leads you to a homeless black trans women fun arabs and muslims for black lives black Trans Women Fund, Arabs and Muslims for Black Lives, Black Businesses in LA, Black Businesses

that you can buy now from, Anti-Racist Reading, then AACP Legal Defense Fund. That's just some of them. There's another link that says looking to help black people, and that's got George Floyd's Memorial Fund, Breonna Taylor's Justice Fund, Justice for David McGanty. There's just a whole lot of good people doing really great things to help black people because until the people in charge can say black lives matter, until change comes from up top, we have to do a lot of stuff ourselves. Another thing you can do just in person is if you hear someone saying something racist or you see a microaggression happen and a microaggression is when you maybe touch a black person's hair because you've never seen it before or you question why you

can't say the N-word as a white person. Like, if you see that shit happening, call it out. You know, call out racism when you see it. We got to be the change. In order for other people to give a fuck, you got to give a fuck. Yeah. Well, I hope that this episode brings happiness. It was recorded a little bit ago before you know the world we're living in right now where there's protests every day which i think is really great

but um yeah i don't know i don't know what to say other than black lives matter and uh hopefully shit changes Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where Mina Colbire tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come all over my Q-tips and force me to clean my ears with it. My guest today.

Girl, you know that is definitely somebody's kink out there. Someone is like, oh my God, I found her. She's the one. They're like, oh my God, I've been dying to come all over Q-Tips. Oh boy, my guest today. You know her. You'll love her. She was on RuPaul's Drag Race.

She won RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars. She's got a talk show called The Exchange rate and a podcast with bob the drag queen called sibling rivalry it is monet exchange nickel buyer i cannot believe i'm on your podcast yeah i'm so excited to have you i've wanted you for a very long time but you are a busy booked and blessed trying to be especially with this a corona 5 situation trying my best to stay busy and do things but it's honestly it's my best to stay busy and do things. But honestly, it's so hard to stay motivated when I'm not like actively like have a thing I have to do for the show or whatever. I'm literally just in bed and I'm like, you have to move.

It is 3.30 p.m. At some point you have to get out of the bed. You cannot stay here all day because that is gross. What time do you, what time have you been waking up during the Rona? You know, it's varied. When I have stuff to do do i'll like try to wake up by like 11 30 but if i but outside of that so except for tuesdays and uh friday and thursdays i'm normally getting out of bed around 2 33 o'clock i mean same same my roommates, they like get up and they're doing things. So I'll be listening and I'm like, okay, I should get up. I should live life inside my house.

The guilt. I know everyone is like depression. It's like, well, they can be the only ones getting the shit done. But I'm like, what is everyone doing? We're all just sitting and looking at walls. Well, one of them has a job. So he's like doing his job. Oh, work.

Well, also, y'all are in L.A. So at least y'all have greenery and like things to y'all have sunshine. It has rained in New York for the past like four fucking days. And it's cold. It's going to snow tomorrow, girl. What? Yes. I thought we were done with snow. It's going to snow tomorrow. Girl. What? Yes. I thought we were done with snow.

It was like a week or so ago. It was like about 75 degrees. And it's like this beautiful, sunny Central Park. Looked like fucking Coachella. Like everyone was out living their lives. And now it's going to snow tomorrow. I'm like, this is ridiculous. This is wild.

I can't. This is nuts. It is May. It's going to snow in New York. The apocalypse is happening. There's murder hornets flying on in. I can't. This is nuts. It is May. It's going to snow in New York. The apocalypse is happening. There's murder hornets flying on in. Murder hornets. Oh, you bitch.

You on the West Coast. They coming on down to California. They coming on down to say hello. I was like, I'm so horny. And then the good Lord said, I'll send you some hornets. And I'm like, you misheard me. You misheard me. I'm looking for dick not to be stung by a murder hornet.

I saw a video of a murder hornet killing a rat. And I was like, well, okay. Well, maybe there's something out of these murder hornets that New York would benefit from. Because it took that rat down in about, the video was like 33 seconds long. And the rat just could not shake this murder horn and the murder hornet was taking that goddamn stinger and inject i'm like well same honestly i wish someone was injecting me with their hornet but it was crazy they're scary they're like three inches big they're oh this is not right i know this 2020 has been um truly a wild fucking ride man yeah but i maintain

2020 is my year i think it's gonna start in october you know i got a little bit of time to ease up into it being my year also i was like this is shit left over from 2019 it's called covid 19 not not-20 it didn't start this year this bullshit from last year being like I ain't done yet I ain't done yet yeah COVID all this shit are like all your like residual party guests though like alright

everyone has to go and they're like uh uh we not done we got some other shit to do don't don't don't cry we need to go home like what's 2020 go it's your loudest most out of control friend you're like you have to leave uh-huh uh-huh it was like rachel it's time to go like rachel take your white ass home uh are you quarantining alone or do you have a roommate no i am i'm quarantining all by my

lonesome and so i have friends that like check like bob will like call me like once a week he's like girl i worry about you i'm like why he's like well you're like by yourself he's like if you were to like die or something what's happened to you like no one would know and i'm like okay well there are people who love and care for me besides you. The people, if I die, someone would know. And I'm also getting a cat soon. I just, I'm on the road to getting a pussy cat. And I'm very excited. A sphinx.

What kind? A sphinx. A what? A sphinx. I don't even know what that looks like. Oh, they're the hairless cats. Oh, no, ma'am. Them are scary.

No. They scare me so much. Why do they scare you? They just, they don't look right. They look ill. I mean, I'm sure they're cute. And I also, I thought people were shaving their cats to look like that. No, no.

It's a breed of cats. I know. No, no, no. It's a breed of cats. They're the Sphinx. They come in like, they come in white people nude. And they come in like a marble kind cats. I know. No, no, no. It's a breed of cats. They're the Sphinx. They come in white people nude. And they come in a marble kind of black and nude. And there's the black one.

I really want a black Sphinx cat. It's going to be black and bald just like me. Yes. But I couldn't find a breeder. Because they're really hard to find at Palance and stuff, obviously. And the reason why I'm getting one is because I'm, I have some cat allergy from being a kid. It's gotten better. So I wanted a hairless cat,

even though they're not hypoallergenic, they're less likely to pass the enzyme on because of, to make you sneeze. Exactly. And stuff like that. So I'm getting a Sphinx cat in six weeks. Oh, this is so exciting.

Have you picked out a name? Are you going to wait to see the cat and be like, this is it. You know, I, I have a name. I you picked out a name? Are you going to wait to see the cat and be like, this is it? You know, I have a name I'm actually thinking of. I'm thinking of Colleen. I feel like my cat is going to be a Colleen. So that's the name I'm leaning on. So I'm going to wait to make the final decision until she's here.

I love that. Colleen is a great name for a cat. Colleen, what are you doing? Colleen, you better eat your food, Colleen. It's really funny. It's such a good name. I do. I have two dogs.

One's name is Clyde. I knew that. Yes, yes. He's a little, how do you say it, gremlin. Like yesterday, I was outside. I looked inside and he was just standing on the coffee table. Oh, no. I was like, get off the coffee.

He's so rude. And then the other one, Charlie is just, I think he, he is a man trapped in a dog's body. Like some witch trapped him in there because he refuses to fetch. He doesn't do anything. He's very moody.

You're like, all right, go upstairs, go to bed. And he's like, you're like, you're growling at me. I just want go upstairs go to bed and he's like you're growling at me i just want you to go to bed he's very rude sometimes love that mona are you single taken or who's to say am single as fucking jackie cox's beard is long okay i am single af and dating in this world

you know this traveling and trying to date people and doing things on tv is just it's like a minefield of bullshit that you're constantly dodging and i just don't have i mean i do have the time but the time isn't finding me so here i am girl just alone right now have you tried to date during this pandemic you know that that just does not speak to me now people are like well you can still get on grinder and like have conversation first bitch, no Grindr is for you to get your dick sucked. Okay. Like that's what I mean. And I,

but again, I know so many friends who found love on Grindr and I had, I've gotten into two relationships from Grindr in the past before. So like, I get it, but I, but I, I was never going with the intention of dating or something romantically.

I went for a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. And it changed to something else so i feel like going in like oh i'm gonna meet someone during quarantine that we're gonna chat and we're gonna meet one day and get married like i'm like i don't think that's gonna be a thing and i don't like online dating apps either i don't like them either but then i'm like how

will i ever meet somebody if i'm not doing an app? I know. Well, you know, I've heard of this, and you probably know because you are on Netflix and comedy specials and all the things in the world. I heard there are these, like, secret celebrity dating apps that you be on and stuff like that. No. It's, like, only for celebrities. Nobody's invited me. No one has let me know. This is very mean. Are you on a secret celebrity dating app no i am not girl

i wish no i've heard of this they're these like secret celebrity dating apps and it's like only for celebrities and they don't ever pass on the information of the people and it's only for like celebrity people to meet other celebrity people wait are you talking about raya oh i mean i don't know the name is that it i don't know there's one that was like allegedly for celebrities and i applied to be on raya famously was waitlisted for two years well you have to get wait oh my god you get waitlisted you have to have um someone like vouch for you who's already on the app it's like a whole thing and then you get on it and everyone's a dj from australia or like an instagram model who's like catfishing you work wait so you so on

this little secret super dating app they still have catfishing people on there i'm sure they do right i i've only gone on one date from raya and that person i think i told this on the podcast but whatever uh i'm not dating right now i'm not talking to anybody new but uh they asked me to read their script and i was like this is not i'm not here for this i want the booty hole licked i don't want to read your booty hole script i was very upset about it wait are women into getting the booty holes kissed? Yes. Oh, I love that. Thank you. Well, you know,

I have to say, so, you know, I am born and raised in Brooklyn. I have lots of beautiful, strong female black friends and a lot of them shy away from the butt stuff. They're like, nah,

I'm not, I'm not done with the butt stuff. Like, I don't know. A lot of black people don't like butt stuff. Yeah. Like the straight black. Not gay black men.

The straight black people claim they don't like like butt stuff. Yeah. Like the straight black. Not gay black men. The straight black people. Oh, got it. Claim they don't like the butt stuff. There was like a whole thing on Insecure, I think, where Issa was trying to do some butt stuff. And everyone was talking about it. I was like, what is the conversation? Lick the booty hole. Isn't that a whole song?

Eat the booty like groceries. It's 2020. Lick the booty hole. Why would you ignore the booty hole? I think that's Trey Songz. If he wanted to see fucking lick between his toes, I would, okay? He could wear fucking football cleats for three months. He's like, Monet, get down there.

Please, how long, sir? Stomp on my face and whatever. Absolutely. Stomp on my face and whatever. Oh, my God, are you, you know what? I am a big Insecure fan.

I love, I love, love, love, love Insecure. And the episode when she was dating the producer guy

and he like, nutted on her face. I was like, girl, look at that man. You bitch. What? Honey,

yes. And she was upset about it, right? So mad. She was so mad about it. She like, she like like got it she wanted to like have a physical altercation with him i was like girl that is a gift okay yes

i just don't understand why like some things are okay like what are we supposed to just like have missionary sex you come inside me or in a condom and then we like shake hands and we leave no come on my face eat my asshole let's get nasty well i think some straight women have issues with booty hole licking because they're like i don't know if he washes himself and i'm like well why are you dating a dirty ass man hello and that's so weird i think i saw like a some type of video recently about a guy who oh yeah it was on tiktok this girl was telling like a story and again who knows if it's a real or not but she was dating this guy and um she the conversation came up about if he um washed his butt and he was like what do you mean if did i

wash him she's like did you like bitch did you spread your cheeks and did you like let's get back there and he was like a 25 year old man he was like no i would never do that i'm like so for 25 years of life you have never washed between your ass sheets? Absolutely not. Were they white? They were white. Yes. I have learned.

So on my other podcast was this year, we asked almost like everyone who was left working in the office. We were like, do you use a washcloth? Do you use a loofah? A lot of them were like soap in hand, washing your body. And we were like, no, you have to use a cloth or you have to use a tool. And then we asked one of the girls, I was like, do you wash your butt? And she was like, I've never washed my butt.

And I was like, that is so crazy to me. That is so, so, but here's the trick. If you are dating a guy straight, gay, whoever, non-binary, whatever you are. If you're dating, if you're dating a person and you want to and you know you guys are getting to sexy time and you're like kissing whatever the trick is if you are a giving fellatio or you're kissing you just you just put your hand on the butt you just let your hand go by the cheeks and then while you're kissing you like go to kiss the neck and then you bring your hand up by your nose and smell it okay you put your head and so you're

like because if you if if it don't smell right y'all shouldn't be doing nothing but you definitely should be no butt stuff if it don't smell good back there i would be so devastated if i did that smelled it was like it stinks i'm like so horny all the time that I don't know if it would stop me I think I would just be like I agree I agree I don't know if it would stop me

I just know this is for my knowledge and the next time we hook up I gently say maybe you wash your butthole a little bit go bye I love are you on a scale of one to ten how horny are you right now during quarantine um during quarantine i i mean honestly i think it is a wave like by the first i feel like the first two weeks of whatever i was like literally like a fucking feral cat like i was like i was really

walking around my apartment spraying things with my fucking taint because i was so i was just rabid for some attention and then it got really crazy by the end of march and then now i think i'm in like a downward of the horniness same and then I think it's probably going to get crazy again at some point. Monet, I was so horny for March and the beginning of April. And then it is now teetered off a little bit. Like, I was so horny that I would masturbate until the sun came up. Like, I would finish and be like, let me go to sleep. And then I'd be like, you can't sleep. You can come again.

So it was nuts. I was like, should I text all the boys who've ever rejected me and see if they'll you know talk to me and give me attention i felt i looked at my very gay roommate john milhiser my roommate john milhiser and i was like john would you uh have sex with me he was like no ma'am no no and i was like oh yes yes that would be silly. But, like, maybe? Out of my mind. I bought a $200 vibrator that has an actual flickering tongue. Word. And then it sucks on. There's, like, a pump that, like, sucks your fucking pussy.

So it, like, sucks the clit up to this tongue. And then it, like, goes to. Oh, boy. You see, I think sex toys for women are so. Or people who have vaginas are so fierce like y'all have like it's like the cadillac of sex toys we have either a fucking flesh like although i've seen someone on in a porn the other day this guy has a flesh light that you just hold it and it like goes up and down for you. So it's like someone riding your penis or giving you head.

I'm like, oh, that's kind of fierce. But I've never been into sex toys. I don't know what it is. Maybe if I found the right partner, I would. But I just, sex toys just don't do it for me. See, I got into sex toys because the right partner was me. And I need a little bit of help. Yeah, like the first sex toy I bought was,

oh my, I think I was in middle school and I didn't buy it. I stole it from Spencer's Gifts. It was a glow-in-the-dark vibrator and I would just quietly use it in my room until one day my sister was like, what is that noise at night? And I was like, who's to say?

All right. This is like, what is going on over there, girl? What is happening? Did you have a lawnmower in there? What's going on? Oh, my God, not a lawnmower. Oh, so I used to do this thing, this back before Drag Race, a long time ago, like 2016, something like that. I did this show called Trade to Trade with Sherry Vine in new york it was on her for her youtube whatever we would

interview like porn stars and other peoples and um uh we had boomer banks on and boomer banks bought us like some of his sex toys and one of them was a fleshlight so i had do you you know what a fleshlight is oh of course it's a pocket pussy yes a pocket pussy and then but like so it's in like this like canister. Yeah, it's like Pringles. Yeah, it's like a Pringles thing. But you can take out the inside, like the silicone part to clean it off, whatever. And I've never used it, but I was hooking up with this guy and his dick was just so big.

It was a big ass dick. And it's just one that I just could not take frequently so one day I took out the innards of the fleshlight and I put it between my legs and hope that he would fuck the fleshlight so that he could see his saddle part

and then he went back there and he was like what is going on with this and I was like oh i don't know and then he's like touches up he's like is that like what is that then we put the lights on and he sees the whole thing and i was like i just wanted to try something new and then i was like and then as he was like nah i need the real thing and i was like i'm literally turning around face and pillow crying i'm, here we go again.

And then I was like, he's just crying and trying to take the dick. He was very blessed, but it was, it was not sustainable. This having a dick that big is just not sustainable. Honestly, I would love that.

I would love to be with someone where every night I had an emotional meltdown because I was like, it's too big, but I just want it near me was like it's too big but i just want it near me but it's too big i need him just fucking humping me i want that that's what i i see it for myself october 2020 that's what i'm getting well i have a thing i'm like okay because i always say big dicks are pretty non-functional, but also, and I do have friends, male friends who can take whatever, bitch. They like take like a fucking jackhammer to my hole and that's fine. But I just feel like, I just don't know how, but for women or vaginas, it's different.

Like, I don't know. I think there's some, well, yeah, each vagina is different. Some adapt to, you know you know expanding changes some don't uh i think mine does i don't know i've shoved so many things in there who's to say when i was little i would always like look at cucumbers and be like should i put that in me and i never did because i was like either i put it in me and then it rots in my room or i put it back in the refrigerator then i have to watch my family eat it that's gotta be a song

this cucumber feels very great mary what did you do with this recipe? This cucumber's a bit salty. Oh, boy. So can I ask, I like to ask all queens this just because I'm interested. Do you, have you encountered, since Drag Race, have you encountered more people trying to like fuck you on the road? I call them chuckle fuckers for comics. Chuckle fuckers? Ben de la creme called it a race chaser yeah race chasers yeah yeah um yeah i have encountered that a lot especially like when you're like at the club and you get on grind or whatever and you and they see your profile and stuff so i but i i i do not like having sex with fans to me

it's just it i've had one bad experience with it. And then from that, I was like, and it was at the beginning of my drag restart and whatever. So I just, from that point on, I just like written it off. I'm like, I'm not into it. I hate it. It was this guy in Belfast. I was in Belfast, Ireland, Northern Ireland for the first time. I was covering hosting Work the World.

So I'm there. I'm living my life in belfast i get on the grinder and he hits me you know my profile picture everything hits me up and he's like oh are you i'm on an exchange i was like yeah he's like cool but he didn't talk about anything else i was like okay at least he's not like completely talking about drag race he just asked me and we like moved on the conversation then we hung out that that day and then i um finally brought him back to my hotel room and we're um talking whatever and the drag race stuff starts he's like asking me literally every single fucking question about the

show like this what about michelle visage oh the cartoon really do this oh and that episode when the spot i was like then he mentioned the fucking sponges i was like jesus christ and then he started asking questions about mccracker and this and the other. And then finally, literally this went on for about 45 minutes. And at this point, it's like 12, 30 in the morning,

like one o'clock in the morning. So finally I just go, are we going to do this or like are we just going to talk about drag race? And he's like, yeah, yeah,

I totally want to do it. So whatever, we fuck, I live my life, I top him, whatever. And then I get back to the States and he gave me syphilis.

And it was my first STDis and it was my first STD ever it was my first STD I've ever gotten this motherfucker gave me syphilis and I'm gonna and I have the receipts he about two weeks ago I took a screenshot of it he sent me a DM I have forgotten all about him he sent me a DM on

Instagram and he was like do you remember me from from Belfast and I was like oh my god this is him what I want to do is invite him on my podcast with Bob and like talk to him about it but I don't know if he will be into it so we'll see I mean I think it would be I think he would

be into it specifically because he's like such a fanboy about it and then also here's your chance to be like you gave me syphilis that would be such a fun um and then also there's here's your chance to be like you gave me syphilis you know what you just gave me the gusto i'm gonna send him a dm i'm like hey hi how are you do you want to talk about the first time we met and we how we fucked in belfast and i'll see if you i think it'll be i i would uh i want to like bitch why you didn't tell me you

had syphilis i probably didn't know but still but still you gotta i don't know you didn't tell me you had syphilis? I probably didn't know, but still. But still, you gotta, I don't know. You can't just be giving out syphilis. I know, I know, I know, I know. It's so rude. Gross, girl. My first STD, bitch. I lived, honey. I thought I had syphilis or something,

and my pussy was just like, not okay. It was like a science experiment down there, and I was like, I don't know what's happening. And nobody talks about like pussy health enough that I was like i guess i have to go to the doc so i went to this like armenian doctor who was open on a sunday and he was like oh something's a foot down here and i was like don't say that while you're down there and then he gave me all this medication and then i was like i don't know if i need to take all of this shit so i went to planned parenthood and they were like here take this one pill you'll

be fine i was like oh okay this man he was not good don't go to him he's somewhere in glendale um but monet we have dream of a break okay monet yeah i don't want to ask you too much about drag because i think that's like boring and like something you talk about a lot but what is the most annoying question you get asked about drag race and drag in general oh um definitely it's not annoying i just get it all the time and i wish people would be a little bit more creative it's like um how did you get your drag name especially i've literally done like 49 000 fucking interviews about my drag name so when i do an interview or something with press and they ask about that i'm like girl i mean just just google it you will get the answer

more times than you care like when i do interviews i'm like ask like fun creative questions you know what i mean like you i'm sure you should you're you get this all the time it's like yeah it's like the same boring questions it's like no let's do something different you know what i mean the question i get asked all the time is how did you get nailed it and i was like well you know any person you see on television either is offered a part or auditions for it that's it there's only two options for it that's right that's it you know what i mean like like especially you you're such a dynamic person like you have like these podcasts and tv shows where you're such a large and like personality i'm like there is an array of things they can fucking ask you

how did you get nailed it yes it's like oh okay well here's this boring story about going to an office building which i've nailed it has been so fun for me during quarantine you are just that viral clip that's going on of you right now with the fucking chocolate cake, that shit is so damn funny. I live. It was so, I am constantly surprised by what they leave in because it is ostensibly like a kid's show. Or not a kid's show, but a lot of kids watch it. But yeah, the chocolate cake thing where Jock goes for a piece of like chocolate cake. And then he was like, I will go for the darker one.

And I was like, thank you. I'm-skinned and sometimes we get left behind i was like how great for maybe like some little white kid to see that and be like oh i guess i don't like playing with black dolls maybe i will today you know just trying to teach the children. I believe, girl, the children is the future. Let them live and let them lead the way. I wish I could sing. Also, another question about your drag, just because I'm curious. You wear like a lot of like kente cloths and like African inspired things and natural hair. Was that like a conscious choice?

And was that something you did from the jump? Or did you find that later um yeah it's definitely something i've done from since the beginning from mostly since the beginning of my career because you know um that's like what i grew up seeing like i grew up like the women in my family love natural hair and and and they they really adorn these styles a lot so i'm like i want my drag to reflect the type of women that I see. You know what I mean? Because all these girls do the Marcel ways. They do this and that.

It's like everyone's doing the same thing. So I'm like, no, bitch. I'm going to do what I think is fierce and do it in a cool way that's for me. You know what I mean? So as soon as I could afford things like those, I have these like i don't know how many inches they are i have to say maybe 60 inch these like blonde dreadlocks i got made like that was what back then i was like one of the most expensive things i ever bought the wig was like a thousand dollars and for me back then spending a thousand dollars on a wig was crazy um but i was like it would to me it just felt so beautiful and

so powerful to have these like dreadlocks in this like really fierce expensive way so yeah it was always me trying to find ways to do a very black

and very Afrocentric drag and make it look as elegant as I could in the time I like it it makes me smile

I love when queens do natural hair or like box braids or dreads or anything like that just because it's so like stigmatized just in general in life so to see a queen bring that to drag and then make it like opulent and elegant it truly it like inspires me to be like oh yeah why not like right now i have my hair in braids i know with the shaved sides i love so cute thank you because i was like why not do that and maybe the next acting job i have i'll be like i'd like to have braids yeah you know because sometimes

people get stuck on one look and they like they want it straight or they want it like blah blah so yeah i stopped wearing like the like brazilian straight hair they want it like blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, I stopped wearing like the like Brazilian straight hair because I was like, why? It doesn't grow like that. So I'll do like the kinky relaxed if I'm going to do straight or just like a big old curl or whatever. Just trying to, you know, be black as fuck because I'm black. Oh, my God. Have you seen Black as Fuck on Netflix right now? It's such a polarizing show.

People like fucking hate it or they love it a lot. seen it i haven't seen it yet either i've literally heard the only things people saying are like i love it black twitter kill me or like i fucking hate this because of x y and z and i'm like yeah y'all need we need i know we're in quarantine but like i don't know nobody used to know if you hate something right like i just you want to tweet i hate x y and z for what yeah does that make you feel better like thousands of people from pre-production production post-production worked on this show and they weren't trying to serve you something terrible girl which which is kind of what's uh miss tyra banks are going through right now but like old clips of top boppers

okay so back in um october november i was i like re-watched top model from season one all the way up to season 22 and re-watching it i was oh my God, some of this shit is crazy. But now the internet is like, they're bringing back the clips again, like the clip of her. Remember when she like made everyone different races? Like she made the black girl Korean. She made the white girl Botswanan with like, and guys, I'm not talking about she just put them in like a head wrap or something she literally painted them in like charcoal bob the drag queen black from the crown of their head to the soles of their feet and like afros and this it was like but again it was just such a different time yes it's honestly when you watch it like that it's like don't try to get the person canceled now yeah it's a period

piece we thought period people thought that was okay back then yeah and now we know we know better blackface is not okay like we officially know it it's bad yeah it was it was a different time was a different time and so not everyone's like trying to cancel tyra now i'm like i know i'm like i'm like i'm not on this train trying to cancel no no i love tyra banks me too one of my favorite fucking episodes is where she wore that fat suit and then she cried because she was like nobody was nice to me and then she brought those and then she brought those girls on stage she's like I know what it's like to be you I'm like you do not you You do not, Tyra. You were in a fat suit on,

on, on, on probably the corner of fifth Avenue and 42nd street for, for maybe an hour. You're, you don't know what it's like. Yeah. You truly don't know.

It's so funny when people like, no, I ain't got it. I'm like, you don't get it until you walk into a Sears and they got nothing for you. Cause everything's a very old and you're 12. I've been saying my whole damn life, bitch. You don't get it.

You know what I mean? I'm like, Tara is at all or the episode when she when she cleared the entire studio audience out to interview Naomi Campbell. And then Naomi walks in. There's a clip on twitter the other day of naomi walking up they added like because she walks out like regular but there's no one in the studio and so it's just like you just hear her heels click clacking and it was just the most awkward thing and that whole tara's show honestly it was so good and i wanted to come back so good it was so funny i feel like every talk show that ended maybe in like 2002 was just like peak talk show-ness.

Like Ricky Lake was just majestic. Jenny Jones. I love Tyra. I was unemployed for a while when I was living in New York. I think this was like 2009. I like quit my job at Lane Bryant and I was like in between jobs and I would wake up put my blanket around me and sit in front of the tv order pizza and watch Tyra and my roommate at the time Jenny was like hey Nicole have you thought about like going

outside and I was like no Tyra is all i live for and she goes can you just repeat what you said and i was like tyra's all that i okay i see your point i should leave the house yo man tyra was iconic she was really iconic she was so perfect i love i loved when she tried to like fix relationships and I was like I don't know if you know anything about relationships um hello like I feel like I mean I was younger back then I'm not I'm like on the up and up but I feel like Tyra was known for kind of not being in relationships so when she was they weren't successful so I'm like how are you out here counseling people and no shaven scene but you ain't got no man like I don't you know

like that's why I'm not out here giving dating advice because bitch look at me people often will ask me for dating advice and i'm like oh i don't i don't know the whole podcast is me trying to figure out why i'm i don't know i have no idea what advice to give you let's see what do i want to know about have you ever had a boyfriend yeah so in my life i've had i was three serious relationships um the one was recently ended um about i think two years ago about two years ago well i think this thanksgiving coming up like thanksgiving 2020 make it two years the relationship ended because we all broke up over thanksgiving yeah girl we broke up on thanksgiving oh no girl we broke up on thanksgiving i was at um his family's house did you eat dinner with his family or did you leave

well we broke up thanksgiving night i ate dinner with his family. Oh, okay. And the whole dinner and stuff, I was like, you know, I just don't think we're as compatible as I thought. And then we had a conversation that night when we went back to the hotel. We stayed at his family's house one night because he was still living at home. We stayed at his family's house. He was still living at home? One of the problems. Monet, Monet, Monet i know i know i'm a sucker for a tall motherfucker okay let me tell you if you tall as hell i mean honestly that's like 75 of the battle for me that's the rest of 25 i can i can eat it but But if you are tall, bitch, I'm like, sign, see you deliver.

I'm your. You know what I mean? So, yes, they're still living. So we slept one night at his family's house. And the second night, I was like, yeah, let's go to a hotel. I'll pay for whatever. I would just rather do that. And then that night, we got back to the hotel.

And it was just, I just realized, I was like, yeah, this isn't the thing. And I felt like they were, like, still in love with their ex-boyfriend. And I was just like... And they were planning to move to New York. And I'm like, bitch, you used to live in a home. And I was like, I just don't think this is a thing. Wait, where were they living? So this is long distance?

Yes, they were living in California. Oh. Yeah. So I was like, I just don't think this is a thing. And we just kind of came to an on like, this is not a thing. Fair. Did he stay at the hotel or did they? Oh no,

they left girl. Oh no, wait, I don't remember. I think like, this is so dramatic. We were both like crying and shit. And then I was like,

you should go. But then I think they ended up sleeping at the hotel because he was dead set on driving me to the hotel because I was going back I had a gig in the Grand Cayman Islands that weekend so Black Friday I was flying from California to the Grand Cayman Islands so I had to like leave

like that next morning and he was like I really want to drive you to the airport please so like he like slept on like somewhere in the room I i really want to drive it to the airport please so like he like slept on like somewhere in the in the room i don't know if it's on the other side of the bed on the couch whatever and then he drove me to the airport this morning and then that was like the last time and we was just like yeah it was so tight and so extra how dramatic i have to take you to the airport i'm No, I will be the one. Very sad. You don't have to.

Very sad. And then me, so the whole weekend was me and fucking the Grand Cayman Islands crying and being all sad. And I, you know, it's sex in the city when Big leaves her

at the wedding and they go to Mexico. I literally felt like Carrie Bradshaw. I'm like, no, Patty, close the windows. No, like, please.

I'm just like, and then the next day, was like you have to come to the view and the fucking grand cayman islands get your ass up let's go to the beach and i was like okay and then i'm like on the beach like trying to like get my life it was so extra i mean i love being very dramatic i was broken up with uh when i was was in New York doing some press stuff and we broke up. I like started sobbing, called all my friends. They were commiserating with me. And then my friend Lyon happened to be in New York.

So she came to my hotel room, sat with me while I cried. My friend Josh came to the hotel room, sat with me while I cried. And then they left. My friend Jenny came and sat with me while I cried and then she rubbed my back until I fell asleep and then I woke up she wasn't there she was like Nicole I had to leave you were just moaning in your sleep and sniffling and I was like okay and then the next day I was on Good Morning America and my eyes were so puffy. Oh my God, no, Nicole! I also showed up maybe like a minute before we were supposed to start filming. I got in my car 30 minutes late.

I woke up and I was like, oh no! Because I drank bottles and bottles of wine being like, I can't believe you don't love me. So then there was, I think I've told this story before but whatever there was two no four hosts three kids two chefs and then me and i was like wait what am i doing and they were like just what you do i nailed it i was like i get i have a prompter and they tell me what to do and they're like, five, four, now. And I was like, I don't. Oh, my God. I look insane. Dang, Nicole. Yeah.

Rickards feel, they feel so crazy in the moment. And then, like, I guess it's how deep the relationship was. And we were together from, what, it was seven months or eight months like that. But it was like one of those relationships that kind of progressed really quickly and we got like really deep, really fast. So at the end of all of that, it was like, it just felt like,

I felt like I was dying inside for that next month, like until Christmas, until the new year. I was like, oh my god, I'm dying. And then New Year's happened and then I won All-Stars. I was like, I don't need this. I'm living my life, girl. And the guys before him were, one was like a DL thug and I was like in love with him.

Girl, my dating paths, they're all so different. One was like this tall white kid. One was this DL Puerto Rican thug. One was this, girl, I'm just all over the map. So you don't have a type just tall tall is literally my only prerequisite i also really like a tall dude but i have like bad depth perception so i think i'm the same height as everybody and the last dude i was dating i was like am i taller than you and he looked at me and he was like no you're on an

incline one so then he like stood on the incline with me and he was like no you're on an incline one so then he like stood on the incline with me and i was like are you sure we're not just like the same height so then he made me like turn my back to a wall and then put a marker on the wall and then i like made me do the same thing to him and he's like now do you see that we are fully varied i'm a foot taller than you and i was like ah okay okay but I was like don't you like this quirky thing about me that I don't understand height and I'll tell you something he didn't oh I just I have like love crystals and love candles that i light and i'm like i don't know what to do i i know i know it's the craziest thing and this like but also and then i'm like me me fucking all these guys on

grinder i'm like is this like taken away from and oh here's the thing i saw right before oh my god right before corona started i was kind of talking to this guy and he's like a chef here in new york and like right before quarantine started he invited me to his home and um he like made this beautiful like three quarters dinner for me and it was really sweet and stuff and i think and he honestly there's nothing wrong with this guy he is great except for he speaks like seven languages and english is the least one that's the seventh one he learned right and so talking to him on the phone and trying to communicate through quarantine has been like he just doesn't understand i'm just gets i get so annoyed and i'm so over i'm like so how was your day and he's like yeah yeah okay uh and i'm like yeah i'm like great i'm like so what did you have for dinner yeah okay so we i'm like bitch what the fuck did you eat for dinner

do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth it's one of those things where it's like communication is already difficult there's like zoom delays uh like calling someone on the phone sometimes doesn't feel natural and then you just like put an accent on top of that and not being able to like really try to articulate what you're saying i yeah that would that would make me so annoyed as well but he was so sweet and he's so kind but he honestly he hit me up today he's like good every day he'll like say good afternoon or whatever and i'm just like i just don't respond and i put really bad and but i just can't i i can't sometimes you just can't i can't i mean i don't want any person

who has actively pursued me i do not know why but if you pursue me i don't want it right like it's very strange nico Nicole why are we like this I don't know my therapist says I'm not broken I'm okay I don't know why are we like this

why are we like this there are like two or three guys that have pursued you I'm just like yeah I don't want it I like pursuing

which like has not worked for me so obviously I need to change something uh the last dude I dated for like a little bit I didn't like him at first I like so all of our interactions I like was very short with him because I was like I don't you're like too witty and I don't think it's going to translate in person so like i'm not putting any effort into this and then we met and i was and i like looked at him i was like are you cute i don't know and then we were talking and then i was like oh he is like funny and then he like thinks i'm funny

but is he cute and then i was like you can take me home and he was like i don't know and i was like you should take me home and then we fucked and i was like while we were fucking i was like is this good and then like a couple days later i was like i think all of it was good i think i like him and then he was like he then he like started to like heavily pursue me after our second date and i was like hmm i think i like this and then it just truly fizzled because corona hit and then i was like whatever hit me up after coronis and he was like okay uh it's longer and then i got very drunk and was like i'm deleting every match i've ever had on hinge tinder oraya i was like i'm gonna start for rest chapter quarantine i don't like i just this drunk nicole was like i'm gonna do it and then i deleted his actual phone number so now i can't damn i couldn't text him if i wanted to i can't text anybody that i was talking to pre-quarantined

because i just drunkenly did it but you know but then now now if they come back that means that they you know like if they if they come at. That means that they, you know, if they come at you, will you accept? Because they still have your number. I think so. Because I did say hit me up after quarantine. So, like, I mean, I was I fully was like, I'm closing this door for now. And then I completed the closing. I locked the door because I deleted his number.

I don't know. Yeah, I guess I I deleted his number. I don't know. Yeah, I guess I would like entertain it. I don't know. I don't know. I just. I think I want to get on a dating app. I think I want to do OKCupid. I did try Tinder and I had a lot of matches on Tinder.

But I don't know. Something about Tinder seems really sketchy to me. And then the couple of matches I did have. but I don't know. Something about Tinder seems really sketchy to me. And then the couple of matches I did have, I was like, I just want to kind of have sex with them person. And again, I don't think,

I don't want to say, but I don't think having sex on the first date is bad. I mean, I don't, but I'm like, it's what I've kind of done. It's my, it's my pattern.

So maybe I shouldn't do that. But I was like, this guy, I just want to see your dick. And I just wanted to like, have fun with it, you know? Well, people who say you should. But I was like, this guy, I just want to see your dick and I just wanted to like have fun with it, you know? Well, people who say

you should wait. I'm like, wait for what? So, I go out with you. I have a great time with you. I go, no,

no, no, no, no. We go out again. We have a great time. You're like, come on.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. And then like the third, fourth,

fifth, eighth, I don't know, 10th date date you finally fuck and you're like all right and then he pulls it out and it's nothing you've ever wanted to see you know what i mean bad you know what i wasted time you know what i mean i will say this if i wait to have sex and the dick isn't ideal for me i would still i would probably still talk because i like everything else like i would still probably try to pursue a relationship because now i like your personality

i think you're funny i think you're whatever and yes your dick is not ideal it looks like a graded fucking uh a piece of pecorino cheese but i like everything else so I'm willing to accept this subpar penis because everything else seems great. I mean, I'm not there yet. I have yet to meet someone whose personality was so overwhelmingly amazing that I'm like, all right, I'll take the subpar dick. I'm usually like, you know what? I'm going to get out of here. This is not for me. Well, you know, the chef guy, I've never seen his dick we we didn't hook up we did not hook up we had oh and sorry a little more

backstory about this guy before i was on drag race and i was working at industry nightclub he took me out on a date back then we went on that one date and then to this mexican restaurant in health kitchen i don't remember where and we went on this date and it was the date was fine and then after that we kind of just didn't chat after that and then he popped up again when i came back from um asia australia and people call me patient zero because i came back from asia and that's when corona started popping off in america i might be patient zero don't did you get sick i did not i had like one day i had like a slight fever and then it lasted like 12 hours and then i was fine the next day those are the only symptoms i had i was like deathly ill in december and i was like did i have corona in

december oh my god nicole maybe yeah i might have i was like really sick for like three or four days like i couldn't stop coughing and like my chest hurt so bad and then i was like sweating and i was in portland and it was cold like it it was so bad but it only lasted for like three days well because you probably have a really good immune system you know what i mean you'd be you'd be you'd be you'd be working that motherfucking pole girl oh my god i was so sore the other day i like climbed to the top of my pole three times and then i was like and it's an eight foot pole so like it's work and i'm a big bitch so like it is work and then i was sore for like a full week like i have not gotten on it since work if they

do if they do hustlers too i know there can't be a two because it was a true story and whatever would you and they were like when they call we need know there can't be a 2 because it was a true story and whatever. Would you? And they were like, Nicole, we need you in this fucking movie. Would you do it? Are you fucking kidding me? I would love it. I was devastated that Lizzo didn't pole dance. I know.

I was like, come on, Lizzo. Lizzo, she's out there. Like, Lizzo could have fucking took a few classes and got her ass in the goddamn pole. I was, okay. I didn't like hustlers specifically because the stories about scamming dudes and taking their money in a club. I didn't get enough of scamming dudes in the club. I was like, I don't give a shit about your family shit. I don't give a shit that like you're best fucking friends and you eat together and you buy each other presents.

No, scam these dudes. let me tell you something I have some friends that I'm still friends with that I went to middle school and stuff here in the city and I have two friends who actively strip and they were like yeah she's like 2008 bitch we still scamming these motherfuckers I was like why get it bitch

I live honey yeah Card cardi b got in trouble a while ago because she was like yeah drug dudes and take their money i was like okay maybe i maybe i wouldn't say that out loud but also i was like sex work is real work one two it's dangerous work you don't know what kind of situation she was in that that happened and i was like you have to take everything in consideration it's such an interesting topic i don't know why it's not decriminalized yet like it's so weird australia it is sex work is completely legal bitch there are brothels everywhere in australia and i know um well i don't know personally but a friend was telling me who's from Australia

she was telling me, you have like two friends who have they both retired, they're both 23 and they've retired because they made so much fucking money from sex work in Australia. I'm like why don't we fucking decriminalize it except for the fucking Nevada and Nevada was just one of the most ridiculous names

for a state. which is one of the most ridiculous names for a state. Sorry, y'all. My crunchy ass spectrum wireless conked out on me. And they're scammers like Cardi B and her friends at the strip club. And I don't like them. I don't remember what we were talking about. Well, me either.

But I mean, we truly have come to the end of the episode. But I usually ask all my guests this. Sometimes I forget. But would you date me? Nicole, I would absolutely date you. And I want to make you this proposal too. If, I mean, would you ever be willing to bear children for people? Yes.

Would you really? Would you have my gay baby? I would have your gay baby. Yes. Oh, this is so exciting. Oh my goodness, imagine me pregnant. I would be so cute. I would really be the cutest pregnant lady in the world. You would.

It would be so adorable. Thank you, Monet. Okay, Monet, do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah, I just have the talk show, The Exchange Rate, on YouTube. We're now doing shows at home and for, like, everyone else. But it's too many fun. I've had some really fun guests. RuPaul, Nikki Azalea.

I just had JoJo. Which, do you know, leave, get out. Yes, right now. She was so real and so dope. I just had Jojo, which do you know, leave, get out. Yes, right now. She was so real and so dope. And hopefully one day we'll get Nicole Byer on the show. I want to do it. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So we're going to have Nicole and that and my podcast with Bob, Sibling Rivalry, which is always a hoot and a holler. And yeah, that's it for now. Try to get Bob to record today, but somebody didn't answer my text message. She's a shady bitch. I'm going to bother her again next week. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can subscribe, you can rate it five stars.

If you hit on me and say something nasty, I will read it. This one says, I want to test every one of your toys on you. One after another, after another, waiting just before you peak with pleasure to switch to the next one. Once I've used every toy on you, we'll scissor till the cows come home. Then we'll milk them. Oh, my God. And turn some into ice cream to eat.

That's very funny. Wow. That is very funny. Wow. That is a proposal. And you should say I do. I do. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.