Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Catfish Catcher (w/ Justin Martindale)

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

Comedian Justin Martindale joins Nicole to discuss how their 'summer of love' has been disappointingly dry for the both of them. Justin shares the time he got catfished by a cop, how he deals with chucklefuckers while touring, and the craziness behind the #FreeBritney movement. Plus, what's up with these people getting duct taped on airplanes? Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, see blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer New Merch Store! podswag.com/dateme Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if I ask you for marshmallow sauce and you come all over my ice cream, I would still date you.

My guest today... So gross. My guest... This is so nasty. My God. my god also how much cum does this person have my guest today is a comedian actor former host of ease what the fashion he co-hosts the podcast glitter and garbage it's justin martindale oh man what an intro i never thought i'd'd spend my Saturday morning with someone asking me, how much cum do I have? Well, Justin, how much cum do you have? I mean, during these unprecedented times, I couldn't even tell you.

It is so good to see you, honey. I love you. I love you. It's so nice to see you. Okay, listen, I got vaccinated back in April. I was like, great, more people will do it it's gonna be good we're gonna have a summer we're all gonna be fucking oh yeah sucking sucking licking and like you know you fucking stick your toes in my pussy like i was like we are gonna get fucking freaky it has not happened yeah

nobody's getting fucking freaky nobody's hitting me up on the fucking apps this is the driest fucking summer i have had i know i if i know this because i i watch you and i pay attention to you on online you've literally gone on like television shows and been like yes i want to have sex and they're like oh nicole byer everyone she's in town for the weekend performing it you know i've had some moments are am i proud not really have i been grateful that i haven't gotten the uh lambda phi epsilon variant yes of course i mean it's so wild it's corona is covid and then all of a sudden we got the gamma alpha delta we got the whole fucking fraternity row just being passed around the fucking country like what is going the fuck on and then i truly thought i saw an article that was like we got delta plus and i was like what more comfort when

you die what do you mean we got delta plus i know is there more leg room in my casket that's what makes me laugh because i remember being at the show it was the same show that you were at and you were like justin this is the first time that i've done stand-up since the pandemic and we were actually talking about like oh we're gonna this summer we're gonna get dirty and we're gonna get filthy yes and it's not happening so i went to houston in july fuck somebody there which was nice so like my first show i was like so my opener is my friend christy cello and she started flirting with this man in the audience i think his name was was, like, Marcus or Martitious, something. I don't know. And she was flirting with him, and he was flirting back,

and then I got on stage, and I was like, where's Martitious or whatever the fuck his name was? And I was like, you're single, right? And the man literally hid under the table, and I was like, this is, you may think it's funny, but, like, wow, what a full-blown rejection, just, like, in fucking public. But then the next show. Hit and like got underneath the table.

Fully, like body moved so fast to fucking curve me. And I was like, this is not it. So then the next show I was like, I think I may have talked about this on an episode. I don't know, whatever. But the next show I was like, well, I got curved real hard, but are there any straight men who will fuck me? Or I don't, a man who will fuck me. You don't gotta be straight.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no. This man was like, I'll do it. And I said, great. Did some crowd work for like 10 minutes. Honestly, one of the best shows I've ever done. It's safe with those 200 people who were there. But then we ended up fucking and i was like yes this summer is starting off right and i was in portland yeah i

was like who will fuck me here dead silence almost every show to the point where the last two shows i didn't ask it because i was like i can't take it no more that's not nice but i was like a portland like liberal fun town that i love being in and i was like and nobody's gonna fuck me and i was like a portland like liberal fun town that i love being in and i was like and nobody's gonna fuck me and i was staying in this like bomb ass fucking airbnb with the pool and i was like nobody nobody wants to come back to this fucking airbnb and slam me in the fucking pool fuck me right off the diving board like full-on showgirls pool scene where she was just like just shaking around see i was i'm the same way i was in phoenix last weekend and it's so funny because like you know i'm just i put my toes in the water in the pool in your airbnb so i put on my my app notifications like hey there's a new girl in town you know and in la i'm like a four oh like it's just well

i'm like a gay okay i'll say i'll say like i'm a gay six no yeah oh yeah like no nothing crickets crickets okay crickets on the apps okay i go to fucking pho. I step off the airplane. My phone is smoking. It's like, what's happening? I'm a Phoenix 11, okay? Oh my God. I mean, I thought I'd be like a Portland fucking 10. Because you see such like mix match couples. You see like a fucking, I mean, God, people get mad at me if I talk about how ugly people are.

god people get mad at me if i talk about how ugly people are but you see a fucking ugly ass sasquatch looking bitch with this like goddess of a man or this goddess of a woman with this like hairy fucking toad and i'm like yeah portland is the kingdom of mix match couples i was like i should fucking thrive here i clean up so well i am stunning when i am fully fucking made up i'm stunning not made up but like i it's like otherworldly when I'm all done up oh yeah but like nobody fucking bit I was so mad but also how many of those people are auditioning for 90 day fiance let's be real I don't know who knows I do you watch 90 day no but I'm getting into it because like I've seen the only people that I know about on 90 day fiance are muhammad and uh daniel that's all i know and i'm like okay that's all i know i want my six muhammad she is iconic

she only blossoms into her full manifestation in later seasons she's on as 90 day the single life and she's fucking incredible on it good i mean i just sometimes i think about like people will sometimes tweet at me they're like you should do a dating show and i'm like no i don't want to but also i'm like maybe that's what i need to do to like have a man i don't know i just i'm maybe we do like a version of like comics and comedians or what is it the comedians in cars comedians in cars getting coffee with yeah comedians on dates has that been done comedians on dates who will fuck nicole i mean dot dot dot who will fuck nicole i'm just so horny i know but i okay i've said it on the podcast i know i've said this at least so i saw this psychic and i saw called him talked on the phone he said july i would find

somebody i fucked somebody in july so i'm like great we're manifesting shit we're manifesting manifesting man although they just didn't have a spicy summer that that's that's not happening but they said i would meet somebody or somebody would come back into my life my person is coming at the end of the year i'm manifesting this i fucking want this you're gonna get it i want it i talked to my friend my friend is an astrologer we had him on my podcast um his name is kyle thomas so hit him up he will give you a full-on chart reading he was like justin you're gonna be dating somebody in november and i'm like oh i love a fall romance yes come on you can scoop leaves together and carve a turkey yes yes we could like we could we could put glory

holes on our pumpkins together you know i don't i mean that is such a like non traditional glory hole. Yeah, because I feel like the like the joy of glory hole is not seeing the face with like you'd have to stack so many pumpkins to not see a face. That's true. That is true. Or you dress them up like a scarecrow. You could. And then you have the pumpkin in your lap. Yes, you could actually you could definitely do that.

Yeah, I've never thought about this before. no i like working out the pumpkin glory here pumpkin glory come to the pumpkin glory here happy halloween the pumpkin glory here talk about boom yeah truly oh my goodness i i just keep thinking about it. When I get to fuck somebody that like A, I like. B, who likes me back. Right. Isn't that weird? Has the appendages that I want and need and I'm like yearning for.

It's going to be magical, Justin. And I cannot wait. So what are you looking for and a gentleman oh wait did you fuck in phoenix i didn't ask you i didn't follow up so you're you're an 11 in phoenix did you fuck no okay did you hook up okay fair that's a fair answer yeah it was like you know a cute married couple a cute married couple sure you love to see it you love to hear about it um yeah i just like i set my tinder to like the location i was going to before i went when i went to tacoma and it just like didn't fucking work out so i was like i will

never put that much effort into trying to hook up again if it happens it fucking happens yes stop with that that's the first thing you let it come to you stop you can't you can't you know it's like what's the point you're gonna leave the town you know you're doing the job and you're leaving that's it yeah how has touring been for you isn't it wild to leave la and be like, oh, the virus doesn't exist anywhere else. Let me tell you, Nicole. So this was the first time that I actually got on a plane. Everything that I've done has been local, like California, Palm Springs, LA, a little outside of LA. This was the first time that I got on a plane. Now, I am obsessed with people who get taped to their seats you know i'm talking about it just happened it just happened listen i was like is he single

because he said his family has a lot of money and he was talking about his grandpa and i was like oh he's still living so i mean he'll die soon he'll get some more money if you don't know what we're talking about there's this incredible video of this man. Shit. I wish I could remember his name. It's like something. Barry was screaming. He went to the bathroom,

came back, took his shirt off. They helped him find another shirt screaming. Like he like touched some titties. He punched the male flight attendant. So they duct taped him, duct taped, duct taped this man to the seat. And that not the first one there was a woman in north

carolina the same thing they had to tape her ass down wait really oh yes girl this is like not an isolated incident like there are lesbians taking duct tape on their carry-ons like it is like straight up what is happening with people i know so i'm on this plane and you know i'm six foot four i'm two i'm sorry his name is maxwell barry of course it is maxwell barry so i i'm on this plane and i'm looking around and i've seen all these videos of people acting fools and so i'm like if somebody acts a fool on this plane what do I do? And so, you know, I, and I do this in my standup recently, where it's like, you know, if someone looks at me and they see me as a tall, big guy,

and they're like, sir, help us. We need your help. I'm going to pull the full gay card and be like, I have highlights. I am so sorry. This is your journey. You've asked for this. I will tell your story.

But I'm telling the woman next to me in Comfort Plus, which is also a Delta variant. Yes. I'm like, yeah, if anything happens, I will step up to the plate and I will subdue that person. This woman looks at me in the face and she goes, how do you know it's not me? And I'm like, what?

She's iconic. She's a legend. She's truly it. That's what a treat. What a treat to have that as your seatmate. My God. She was delightful. And so I look at her without a beat and I go, well, then I'm going to sit on your face

and not in a good way. And she starts laughing and she was delightful. She's like, are you vaccinated? And I go, no. And she's like, and I'm like, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yes. She was a delight and everything was smooth.

But I am obsessed with people acting fools on planes. Now, I wish a bitch would on my flight. I wish a bitch would. Yes, I would truly be like, I will fucking handle this. I'd be like, nobody has fucking time for this. I am so sorry. You don't have a hobby that when you land that you can go back to that your hobby is disrupting people's fucking lives but you will shut the fuck up because i'm too

fucking busy for us to turn around and go back to a fucking gate or emergency land somewhere i have things to fucking do and you want to pay me money you're not grounding the plane i love fighting with people and i wish a bitch would and I've gotten to fights with people there's this one woman who called me like little girl when I was in Florida and then she like got in the elevator and like went up and I was walking towards the elevator with my hand out and my friend Nick was like what were you gonna do and I was like drag her out of the elevator if the doors hadn't closed my hand was out to grab her hair and pull her down and drag her out and he was like nicole yeah deus meus that's what that's what's up yeah i think and i think we've been so pinned up for so

long that we're in this like oh i wish a bitch would like i'm watching i'm watching i'm watching like i'm watching fucking people fighting at a wendy's and i'm like what yes is that where we're at yeah i'll fuck somebody the fuck up yeah get your nuggets and go get your nuggets and fucking get the fuck up at a wendy's so i'm watching this i'm watching these like plane videos and i'm like oh i yeah for sure for sure we're gonna fight if somebody's acting a fool but the shows back to your question shows were great however was i a little nervous we didn't do meet and greets oh yeah no no meet and greets i was actually uh with fortune feimster we had a blast and uh i fucking love fortune she's the best was

her girlfriend there or now wife i believe they got married jacks was there yeah love jacks like oh they're so they're like two of the sweetest nicest people i've ever met yeah yeah yeah and it seems genuine like i don't think they go home and they're different you know what i'm saying right right right and it'd be weird if they did yeah like if they got if they got in the car and they're like got him fooled him ah god and we were so nice and now we'll kill'll kill babies. Yeah, exactly. So wait, so you were in Phoenix with Fortune? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Were you doing like a theater? Yeah, right?

She does theaters now. Yeah, we did Stand Up Live and then we did the Tempe Improv. Ooh, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Yeah, yeah. I like the Tempe Improv. Wait, Stand Up Live is in, oh, that's in Phoenix.

Yeah, it's in downtown Phoenix, yeah. I don't think I've been there yet. It's cute. Were the shows fun? they were so much fun um you know however it was like just a normal day no one had a mask on it was hot as balls and uh you know near the near the end of the um the trip like i woke up and i had a tickle in my throat i was like god damn it and so the first thing i did when i got back was covid test negative she is a negative queen fortune's negative jack's is negative negative i you're like of the minority people aren't doing that elsewhere no yeah here we're all being like rather responsible it's like i have a little tickle let me get a covid test i lost my fucking mind so like i was driving with my top down i was like pretty messless outside until i was near people i have horrific allergies that i didn't have last year

so out of sight out of fucking mind so i was like we're living honey and then the good lord said bitch oh no no and my allergies were really like i had this awful cough sniffling sneezing and i like every time i got close to you i was like i will disclose i i don't have covid i have taken like eight tests this week because i couldn't go to work if you know whatever right right and everyone's just being extra careful so every time i went for a fitting or whatever i had to get tested and i was like i just i have allergies i'm really sorry and they're like okay but it's also it's so i feel insane all the time but now i'm like oh okay i have i i kind of i think i have to continue wearing this mask yeah Yeah. It was nice last year not having allergies.

Oh, my God. Remember allergies before the pandemic? Now you sneeze and everyone looks at you and shames you. Truly. And you're like, I'm so sorry. Yeah. I hear someone cough in a Trader Joe's and I'm like, well, this is it. This is how I die.

Mm-hmm. At least in LA, I feel like everyone's like that. Truly. And when I was in Cleveland, nobody gave a shit if you coughed at all you could probably like just melt and die and they'd be like oh i guess you got too hot have you gone to any clubs like like like bars or anything yeah so i went to precinct i love precinct i like precinct like uh i had never been which is like wild for me but um i went because my friend meatball was hosting a party i think it was like bear bear or something like it was a bear party it was fun until this man was screaming in my face and i was like you are covid

stop fucking spitting and screaming in my face so then i kept turning my fucking head fully so he could only like like spit in my fucking ear canal and then i was looking around and i was just like some like sweaty fucking dudes tweaking out and i was just like i don't think i can be here this was like two three weeks ago i was like i think i have to go yeah but then we ended up just like hanging in the dressing room and then i felt good because everybody in there was like vaccinated yeah not breathing and screaming in my face but honestly that was like the first time i'd been around like a ton of people and i was like i don't i don't know i know i don't know about this i've done that moment too where i've caught myself where i'm like oh i'm in public out yeah without about. I'm asking off.

I went to Mickey's. I wound up at Mickey's one night where it was just like, you know, we had some friends in town from New York. We went to High Tops and they were like, oh, let's check out Mickey's. And we went to Mickey's and I was like, oh, this is awesome. And then I'm like, oh, I'm in here. I mean, it is a i mean it is a lot it is a lot i i think i'm just i'm gonna be the nerd who wears a mask a lot um i think that's just who i am now i kind of like it and then you can scream in my face all you want and i just have a little bit of a barrier but like when i tell you this man like drew like just droplets like in slow

motion huge we're like splat like honey i shrunk the kids droplets like yes very that i haven't thought about that in forever yeah oh my god what a great movie like when the sprinklers come on and it's like yes yes that's what was happening today. Real quick. We got to take a break. Sure. And we're back. We're back. Yeah.

Bye. Boo. Boo. Okay. Just to like shift gears a little bit.in do you have like a type like do you have somebody that you're like trying to end up with uh well i have until november my astrologer said um okay oh yeah okay so let's manifest let's do that um let's man okay who who who's coming in November? I don't know.

I'm very like, I do have a type. Justine Marino makes fun of me a lot because of, of my type. I have a type. I love a spicy Latino. Okay. I like a,

I like a hairy, like I love a, I love a, like a, like a by Lamos, like a,amos like a what about a bland Latino is there such thing no yes of course

a very boring Latino man a bland Latino a very mild salsa that's what you're saying at the end of the day I love a person who's not a sociopath. Sure.

I'm very attracted to sociopaths. Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's like issues. I feel like when you're attracted to people that you're like, oh, fuck, this is not good again. Yeah. I feel like it stems from like shit you saw in your childhood that you were like, oh, I've been told this was normal. So then you become an adult you're like that's not normal but you keep falling into the same patterns because it's like my parents didn't heal themselves from their trauma from their parents right right right now i have to like break the cycle that's like that's a lot of pressure oh yeah i i i have like daddy issues where i'm like, I'm seeking validation from men who don't seem to be interested or like me,

but like, I want them to, and I'm going to work really hard and change their mind. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's a fun thing to work through. You're broken.

I can fix you. Yeah. Mine's interesting because it's like, I feel like I have guys that are like attracted to me and then they're like, so what do you do? And I'm like, Oh, I'm a comedian. And it's like, I feel like I have guys that are like attracted to me. And then they're like, so what do you do? And I'm like, oh, I'm a comedian. And they're like, I think saying that I need to start saying like, I'm an accountant or like I work. I work in sales.

Something like that. I mean, yeah, because it is hard to be like, I'm a comedian. And if somebody is like not chill or cool, they just like oh yeah make me laugh oh there's that or the this is oh i hate this when they're like so you're gonna talk about me on stage and i'm like probably i haven't had anyone say that really i really no no no i had one date where he was like please don't talk about this on stage and I was like you were so poorly behaved I absolutely will yeah you have no table manners I will be drawing this to people's attention but I dated a dude for a couple months and like I don't

know like our third date in he was like so you do podcasts I was like yeah and I told him what they were and I was like I have one call why won't you date me and I was like so you do podcasts i was like yeah and i told him what they were and i was like i have one call why won't you date me and i was like but i wouldn't talk about you on it and if i did i would just like ask you if it was okay and he was like huh he truly was just like oh whatever and i was like oh great i've overthought this so i've just like learned to just be like i don't know if somebody asks i'll explain my my whole process which is i don't know if somebody asks, I'll explain my, my whole process, which is, I don't talk about anybody I'm currently dating. And I don't talk about them. It like close at all to like when we stopped dating.

So like when people like when episodes come out, when I'm talking about somebody, it's been like months, six, seven, eight, maybe a year since we've been like together. You know,

you just try to be nice and keep everything anonymous and stuff. Oh, and I have a running theme right now of just being straight up catfished. Really? Oh, girl. Am I? Yes, I am.

I attract the big ones. Like I'm one of those people in like the Ozarks who catch these giant fish with their hands. That's me. Oh my God, wait. Like I am a, I'm a noodling queen. Who's the last person who catfished you? Um, I couldn't tell you because I don't know if they're real or not.

I see. I see. I see. We had, then how do you know you're being catfished? Oh, I have the best catfishing story. So this happened during the pandemic. This guy, I mean, gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous he was a cop he had tattoos he worked in bevere oh yeah he needs to be defunded yeah he works in beverly hills but his uniform said nypd what oh yes so i knew i was being catfished i was just playing a lot i know yeah oh because

this is part of the catfish i see yes this is the catfish experiment himself in a cop uniform that says nypd but he works in beverly hills i was so confused i was like justin that's not how the police work but i get it okay okay i'm on board i'm on board so it got to the point where he was like oh i'm uh you know i'm patrolling tonight and i'm like oh yeah send me a picture and he'd send me a picture with him and his friend and i'm like wait are you allowed to like take selfies in uniform and send them send them to dudes so then it got to the point where he was like yeah i've got to do this special operations mission in um dubai and i'm like yeah that tracks beverly hills police department doing secret ops in dubai okay i'm listening so he goes to dubai he's telling me you know i'm like when's your birthday

he's like christmas and i'm like like christmas day and he's like yeah and i'm like oh that's cool and he's like he's also an orphan oh i love a christmas orphan you know me so he's like, yeah. And I'm like, Oh, that's cool. And he's like, he's also an orphan. Oh, I love a Christmas orphan. You know me. So he's like, I'm in Dubai. I'm on a hike one day.

He texts me. He's on WhatsApp, by the way, which is shady as fuck. No one uses WhatsApp. So I'm already like playing along with this. And so he, he,

he texts me and he's like, Hey babe. And I'm like, babe, what? We've moved up. Okay. Here's what's hey, babe. And I'm like, babe, what? Hey, we've moved up. Okay. Here's what's happening.

I lost my wallet at dinner. So he's like, I was at dinner. I lost my wallet. I have no money. And I'm like, well, can you ask your fellow special ops guys for some cash? And he's like, yeah, I just, you know, can you help me out? And I'm like, no. And he's like, really?

I thought you were different. And I'm like, bitch, I don't you know, can you help me out? And I'm like, no. And he's like, really? I thought you were different. And I'm like, bitch, I don't even know you. I was like, I was like, get out of here. Wait, how much money did he ask you for? He didn't. There was not like a special amount. It was just, I was just like, are you asking me for money, dude?

And he's like, yeah. And I go, you do know how this looks, right? He was like, wow, I thought you you were special i thought you cared about me and i'm like oh so now okay yes yes yes yes i need guess give me the blame shame me bitch shame me nobody's ever asked me for money well i sent him my life savings so we're that's where no i didn't give him a damn dollar but that's that's the thing it's like i get these guys who are just like hey i'm i'm so and so send me a pic and i'm like get beat it beat it beat it i i honestly might send somebody money i might do it i might be like okay how much do you want like 20 okay you take that bye-bye i'll then know you uh yeah i don't that like fucking sucks wait i i ask that like i like to ask comedians this uh do you have chuckle fuckers do you ever

like do a show and have somebody be like oh my god men always have chuckle i mean i all the time i did have a chuckle fucker in in houston which was very nice it was my first one hopefully i'll have many more so all the time well yeah i mean it's it's crazy first of all thank you for saying the correct term chuckle fuckers because it is a thing it is a thing and in the comedy community we call them chuckle fuckers like these are these are people who go out of their way to get in with the comedian. It's been a little more so because I've taken some notes from Mateo Lane. And I have perfected the art of thirst trapping. Or have put my foot in the door of like the art of thirst.

So I've been working out since November of last year. Just like really like sticking to it. Getting the body snatched, baby. Getting the body snatched. Yeah. So it's like, you know, I get up on stage and like people are like, okay. All right. And especially like gay boys are just like, okay oh he's funny and he's got

tits all right and it you know so it has been pretty funny where it's like or if i do a podcast that's like on youtube or whatever like people they're like oh you're hot and funny what a combo you know so yes i i have had i have had a good fair share of chuckle fuckers um i also get a lot of straight guys too who want to hook up i don't know i think they're just like kind of curious i guess you know i feel like interesting i feel like everybody's a little more kind of open and fluid these days where it's just kind of it's not so like oh i'm straight i'm 100 straight i feel like i feel like people especially like because i perform mainly in front of straight audiences you know like you know the

joe rogan crowd or the or the bill burr crowd or the you know those guys sebastian like eliza whitney you know those guys and so when people see me they're like oh he's gay but like I'm kind of into it you know so I'll get like guys I've had some guys come up to me and they're like hey me and my wife are staying across the street at the Mondrian do you want to like and I'm like eww no

I'm like no no no I'm not doing it bye curious Benny and his wife Susan are trying to fuck it's kind of hot, though. Or they come up and they're like, hey, man. Really good set up there. And you're like, oh, I am listening, daddy. Like, I love this for you.

What a treat. I know. Do you get chuckle fuckers? Truly the one. I've been doing comedy for almost a decade. And I've only had one chuckle fucker. When is your birthday? August 29th.

Coming up. Same day as Michael Jackson. Oh. Wait, this airs in, when does this air, Mars? September. September 3rd. September 3rd, yeah. Okay.

So my birthday has already happened. It just happened. She's in the future. Yes. August 29th. Yeah, that's my birthday has already happened. It just happened. She's in the future. Yes. August 29th. Yeah, that's my birthday. She's a Virgo. Virgo.

Yeah. Yeah. Good, good, good. Yeah. I'm like, you have to call. You have to hit up my friend, Kyle Thomas, for astrology. He'll give you a whole reading. I'll write it down.

Kyle Thomas. Tell him I sent you. I'll DM you his Instagram And he'll give you a whole reading It's really truly fascinating Like I'm not a big like astrology person But like he was saying some stuff And I'm like oh

Okay yeah This reads okay I'm into it Interesting I've been pulling Tarot cards I found this tarot deck That I really like bought a book And I call like i pull my cards every couple days and they keep being like be patient and i'm like this is annoying i really hate that i keep pulling cards that are like it will come just like don't worry and i'm like but that's all i want to do is fucking worry because my pussy is quivering looking for something to fill it. I just want it filled.

And it's also the worst when a card tells you to be patient. You're like, you're a card. You're a card. Yes. Give me something. It's like, fuck you. Oh my God. I got so annoyed.

This woman who came to one of my shows tweeted at me. I'm like truly changing the subject. Yeah, go for it. She was like, I loved your show. It was so funny, but I knew 80% of the jokes. She was like, I loved your show. It was so funny, but I knew 80% of the jokes because I listened to your podcast. And I was like, you stupid fucking bitch. You haven't heard them in a way

where I presented them as jokes. You've heard conversations where a nugget of a joke has started. And then I go, oh, that should be made into something that is a joke that i can tell again yes you fucking bitch podcasting is also workshopping like yes yes she made me so angry i was like i fucking hate you and i hope she listens to this yes and don't fucking like nobody needs shit like that no also how much content do you think i hope she listens to this yes and don't fucking like nobody needs shit like that no also how much content do you think i could come up with that i'm not gonna go over the same

fucking themes over and over again i tell the same stories over and over again and i constantly am apologizing for it but i've only lived so much of a life oh girl it's such a thing where it's like i hate her people are so like it blows my mind how people take time out of their fucking day to be like i've got something to say about you and you're just like cool yes i say this all the time it should be illegal to say anything in a comment other than i liked it yeah you're wonderful yeah you're pretty yeah don't fucking tell me you've heard 80 of my fuck then don't ever watch a single thing i ever do again don't listen to another thing that i could do yeah i i've like overtaught my audiences a little because a lot of my crowds listen to the podcast which i'm very thankful for and i spent a good

year complaining that people scream nailed it at me. And it was annoying until John Cena was just like, cause I, I could swipe out with him. He was like, Nicole, they're just trying to connect with you. And I was like, Oh my God,

John Cena. Now it doesn't bother me. Cause I'm truly like, yeah, that's what they know. If they don't know my personal life. Yeah. And I just,

I also, now it's, it's like numb. I like really don't hear it anymore, but I'm like, yeah, if you need to scream it at me, scream it at me. That's it's it's like numb i like really don't hear it anymore but i'm like yeah now if you need to scream it at me scream it at me that's fine it's like it's 10 seconds out of my day but like i was trying to do crowd work and like people wouldn't talk back to me i was like

okay so scary yes yes yeah they're like she's gonna talk about me yeah she's gonna talk about me later she's gonna get mad at me it's been fun but i think i was just like Yeah. Because I had been like working and touring and touring and touring and working and touring. I was burnt. What were you saying? Sorry. No, I was just going to say, speaking of John Cena, I watched Suicide Squad. John Cena's got a good bulge. I'm not going to lie.

He's a very kind man. Yeah, but he also has a really nice bulge. I'll leave that for you to say. It hangs to the left. I paused it. Yeah, it a really nice bulge. I'll leave that for you to say. It hangs to the left. I paused it. Yeah, it's a good bulge. Okay.

Yes, I'm not touching that. Yeah, no, he could definitely be my peacemaker for sure. Okay, yes. That is something that you can say, and I'm just going to nod my head and say, okay. Okay, let's take another little break. And we are back from the little break. Here's what's happening. You said you're burnt, right?

Yeah. You're burnt. That's good. Because you know what happens when you get burnt? What? You heal. Yeah, and I've healed. I've like truly found the joy in doing stand-up again. That's good. Because you know what happens when you get burnt? What? You heal. Yeah. And I've healed.

I've like truly found the joy in doing standup again. Like I've been having the most fucking fun. Like just like being loose and then being like, oh, if I don't do that joke, who fucking cares? I'll do this one instead. Maybe I'll do a little bit of crowd work and talk to you people.

Yeah. I've just been really having a nice time. And yeah, like in most cities, well, one city, Portland, they were like mask unless they were eating.

Houston was fully unmasked. Like nobody gives a shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tacoma. I can't remember, but I was like in all those situations,

I was like far enough away from the audience that like, I felt okay. Except in Portland, there was this one man who kept his mask off the whole time, but he didn't laugh. So I was like, I'm safe. I know. I mean, that's something that I didn't even think about was like everyone was unmasked and they're just like, ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, they're pushing their airborne particles at you while your mouth is open telling them something fun.

It is honestly the definition of an exchange of airborne particles. It's so funny because when I got back to LA, the first thing I did, I went and got a COVID test and the doctor came in full on outbreak shield hazmat suit. And he was like, so why are you in here? And I was like, oh, I was working

and I just wanted to make sure I'm okay. And he's like, well, where were you? And I'm like, Arizona. And he's like, what? And he's like, were you indoors? And I'm like, yep. Mask stuff sure i'm okay and he's like well where were you and i'm like arizona and he's like what and he's like were you indoors and i'm like yep mask stuff sure was and he was like were you flying i'm like uh-huh he's like he's like you know you were you know you're high risk right and i'm like yeah yeah that's why i'm here and he was like it's almost like he was like mad at me he's like why were you doing that i'm like because that's my job i'm sorry because i have to fly around the country to do tee hee hees i've got to pay my bills yeah i mean truly it's it's wild it's like yeah you have to get out there and you have to fucking do it

oh boy but yeah i've just been like i wear two masks on a plane. And I'm not shielding anymore. I have my glasses. And I'm like, that'll be good enough. I also sleep with a hoodie on my face. So I think I'm doing all right. Oh, you can sleep on a plane? Yeah, I put my hoodie on my face. Oh, I can't sleep on a plane.

So it's like completely black. Why can't? Why? I just, I just, I i can't i can't i my eyes will not shut i'm just and if i in my knuckle like i'm i'm a big guy so it's like like i can't it's it's i wish i could and i'm smaller than i thought i was i'm only five five thought i was five seven for my whole adult life got to 30 what how old am i 62 yeah i got to 62 years old and found out that i was five fucking five last week i found out i'm an aries this whole time i thought i was a pisces

and no i was really yes how many days difference well i'm the cusp so i'm march 20th but kyle did my chart and you have to get your birth, your birth time. And he's like, Oh yeah, you're, you were born six minutes into Aries. Oh, wow.

Did this like change your whole world? Was your world rocked baby? Yes. I'm like, Oh, this whole time I've been a fire sign. I've been like, you know,

Siri, play. I'm like, Siri, play Alicia keys oh boy where is alicia keys i mean i think she's a fabulous singer and i'd like to see more of her i would too i need that i need you know i need alicia keys and i need a good once britney spears is freed i need a revenge album oh see that would be nice i want a britney spears revenge album i just want the best for her i i don't like i think her dad is bad oh yeah and it's like so wild to me yeah it's a whole trip i i i'm just ready for her to be freed because i'm like, it's really putting a damper on my summer. I'm like, just free her.

Yeah. And I just I'm like, yeah, her dad. Her dad. I'm like, OK, so like I would be fully on his side or not on his side. I would understand him a little bit more if he was like, Brittany, I hear you. I see you. I will remove myself from the conservatorship, but I

still think you need to be in one. As opposed to, she's mentally ill. I'm still in control. And it's like, why do you have to be in control? You, sir, are an adult. She is your daughter.

It is her choice to take care of you. It is not your choice to put a hold on her and then take her fucking money yeah she's almost 40 it's like it's crazy because it's like it's it's just it's very like 21st century mama rose you know what i mean or it's just like that it's that it's that classic like hollywood like britney murphy's mom did it i'm trying to think like uh uh dina lohan like you know wait britney murphy was in a conservatorship no but her mom was just like not a conservatorship it's just it's like those it's like those moms who just those parents who are just like hey this is my kid you know and you're like why are why are you in charge like why do you want to be famous no your kid is the one with the talent you don't you yeah you don't get to be

famous by association you're not you know tina knowles acknowledges that her daughter is beyonce but she lets beyonce be beyonce she's not like yes i'm tina knowles i did that you know tina tina lets beyonce be be be Beyonce but it's just weird when the dad when Britney's dad is just like usually it's a mom kind of a thing right too yeah but I mean I think Britney's mom I don't mean

she's not doing shit either she's just standing there letting this man do whatever this whole fucking family is just letting this man do whatever the fuck he wants which to me is fully insane i'm like where is the mom to be like this is not okay this is my daughter uh-huh also i think brittany's kids were like yeah he's a dick and i was like well okay i think they also said something not so great yeah you know on an instagram live and and like he like straight up like hit him too

like he was like he was like yeah my grandpa hit me and i'm like oh god my god this whole situation is so fucking scary and shady and i fucking hate it and then jamie lynn gets up on stage and starts singing her songs to her sister wait was that this year no it was like a couple years ago something like that it was like some like the billboard or amas or something like that, where she's like, keep on dancing till the world ends. And Britney's in the audience like, what the fuck is going on here? It's crazy, man. Weird. The whole situation is so fucking weird.

Yeah. Well, Justin, we've come to the end. This has been a magical treat. Thank you so much for doing this. Of course, of course, of course. My pleasure. Thank you so much for doing this. Of course, of course, of course. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. And if you...

God, what does it say? Sorry. Okay, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like, you can rate it, you can subscribe. And if you write me something nasty, I will read it. I was trying to find... Usually I have these, like, at the ready. But today... Oh, wait, I forgot to ask you. Would you date these like at the ready, but today.

Oh, wait, I forgot to ask you. Would you date me? Oh, yeah, for sure. In a heartbeat. I love it. What a treat. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Okay. Uh-huh. Would you date me? Absolutely. Yeah, let's do it. We got a summer. Yeah. Let's summer romance.

Yes. This is it. This is my summer romance. Okay. Nasty message for podcast. The night will start with me and my non-binary partner whining and dining you at a fancy steakhouse we will then return to a comfort inn why are we going to a fancy steakhouse and then a shitty hotel well they're paying they're paying money on the food yeah i guess and funnel lemon curd into your pussy then we'll suck it out of you and you can suck it out of our foreskin?

Oh no. We will then chew four boxes of graham crackers oh my god and spit them out on you. We will then sprinkle you with icing sugar and eat you like a lemon bar. Love you. You don't love me.

You don't love me. I had lemon curd and foreskin and I was like I think I'm good. I think I'm you. You don't love me. You don't love me. I had lemon curd and foreskin, and I was like, I think I'm good. I think I'm good. Yeah, I think I got to check out from this. Well, that's it for this episode. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer.

Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode what a dream this has been

a Team Coco production