Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Caught Cheating... Twice! (w/ Ketra Long)

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

Comedian Ketra Long joins Nicole to tell the story about how she got caught cheating twice in her relationship. She also shares the time she convinced Ne-Yo to come see her stand-up show, which she proceeded to absolutely bomb. Ketra teaches Nicole how she manages to get flown out of the country for expensive dates, plus talks about her first kiss and first fingering.  This is a wild episode, folks.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in my bottle of water and tell me it's extra nutrients. I think I've used that one before.

Anyway, my guest today is a comic who's very wonderful, a comedian, a funny person. It is Keetra Long. I do my own audio sounds. I like that you make your own audio sounds. That makes me happy. We all have to be, I don't know. Let's see. We have to be our own cheerleaders? Yes. Yes.

But in some cases, Nicole, you everybody cheerleader. I try to be, you know, I just try to be a nice person, have a nice time, tee hee hee, ha ha ha, have a nice life, you know i just try to be a nice person have a nice time uh tee hee hee ha ha ha have a nice have a nice life you know yeah and you will because you're such a good person thank you utro tell me about yourself you grew up in birmingham alabama word you're the youngest of four sisters wait man you really did some research did you really do research like that i got a new assistant and she's really fucking crushing it i asked her to do this and she like does it it's really wild my other one didn't do that um yeah uh but you know i don't have to we don't we don't have to talk

about that we don't have to talk about how she bought a computer with my money and didn't tell me we don't have to talk about that uh anywho you have fire people money now i mean i have fire people money when they spend my money and don't tell me then you gotta fire the person are you getting the k michelle treatment i guess do you know who k michelle is do you know i know who k michelle is but i just don't know what you're referencing so she had an assistant and and she was her friend as well, but her assistant apparently stole from her. But we well, I mean, everything but the friend part. Anywho. So, OK, you're the youngest of four sisters. What is it like growing up with four four ladies who are your sisters who are older than you? Like do they give you dating advice? Do they give you life advice?

What's it about? You close? I am close with all my sisters. As close as close to me. I'm the baby. So they don't really fuck with me like that. No? No, now they do.

As a kid, I was very much a loner because they were older and everybody was doing their thing and it's like a my oldest sister's like a 13 14 year age gap between us so she basically raised me so so they was so I was always in the house just destroying shit and singing and dancing and like by myself alone alone but like i i always wanted a brother uh-huh too much vagina in the house and you never got a brother this microphone you have is so tiny this is this is a price is right microphone this is funny i didn't even notice how big your microphone oh mine is so big i love talking into big things yeah i i love talking into little things i only have so much capacity nicole i guess a 13 year age gap yeah like you can't really go to a 26 year old as a

13 year old and be like excuse me i have some boy problems it's like bitch i'm dealing with a lot more than that i'm 26 yeah it was all like your third abortion but now you know me my actually we are really close and i did talk to them a lot but i did a lot of uh my mom passed away when i was uh 12 so we all had to grow up like on our own individually, but they gave me, basically they taught me indirectly because I learned from all of their mistakes from all of that. Like they didn't even have to say now. I was like, ah, you had three babies, but it's ah, okay. Don't you don't do this. Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do none of that. So I've seen so much, like so much that my brain was programmed to be like, yeah, I don't want none of you bitches lives. I love it. You see it and you're like,

I, okay. That's how that turned out. And I'm gonna do something different. So it turns out a little differently. Yeah. That's the blessing and the curse And I'm going to do something different. So it turns out a little differently. Yeah. That's the blessing and the curse at the same time. Cause they still talk to me like, like around my oldest sister, when I curse and I, you heard me, you heard me speak,

you know, I curse a lot, but she, she'll still be like, and she'll call me by my full name. So like, I can't curse around her so it's the gift and the curse like i'm a i'm an adult now you have to respect me but they still look at me as like you're the baby so you just don't you're just gonna get sunned i feel like yeah

you're always the baby nobody ever lets you grow up they're always like oh another baby she's so cute she's the youngest and it's like i'm a fucking adult you'll treat me as such and i'm lit i'm just what you know what's fucked up what i'm the smallest too how's that fucked up you're the baby you're the baby and you're tiny no but it's like it's like they took all the genes they took all the good stuff i was like, whatever. I mean, we got some, I guess we can spare some ass. I mean, that's good. Having an ass, that's nice.

Having a nice fat ass. Come on, that's the best. I got fat ass. But my oldest sister's, like, gorgeous. She has, like, these beautiful eyes. They change colors. Like, a nice petite figure. What are you talking about?

You are nice and petite. You got pretty eyes. What do you mean? No, no. She's like a better version of me. I don't do that. That's not right. She's a better version.

Oh, no. So you're like the carbon copy where it's like it gets all a little fucked up the more you try to copy it yeah see how quick you got that yes that's exactly what happened and i look like like my sister like my and my sister that's the second oldest from her her teeth are so perfect like she has the most beautiful teeth my sister that's right next to me in age dimples oh my like it's like they got like the good and none and all of them are at least five five wait how tall are you five two so what five two is great you're down by the ground you'll see all the pennies oh shit nicole that's a book you know i walked out on

stage the other night in earshot this lady was sitting right in front of the stage you know didn't give a fuck about did not give a fuck about my feelings i walked out on stage music stops it's like that you know that brief moment of silence she goes oh she's fun size that's rude as fuck you can't say that oh she's fun sized in my face lady did you say anything back to her actually i'm angry size the disrespect what show is that that's funny i was at uh the irvine improv yeah the irvine Ontario improv yeah i was at that oh okay i don't think i've been to the ontario maybe i don't know whatever i've been to a lot of fucking places so wait you moved to la in uh 2010 and then when did you start doing stand-up around 2011 2012 okay i i though i would say around 2012 that's the real time because you know

i quit like 642 times before sure i quit there was a in 2019 i quit every single weekend there was at least one show in the weekend where i was like i'm not coming back those motherfuckers don't deserve me me getting out of this hotel room. Me walking on stage. Me talking into the microphone. None of that's happening today. And then I take a shower, get dressed, go to the show and have a really nice time. Yeah, all the time.

Just quit every fucking weekend. That they don't deserve me. They don't deserve this. They don't deserve my beauty. I did end one show early because people kept interrupting me. It was like the fifth time I was interrupted. and i had played with them the show before and then the second show i was just like i'm a fucking person just let me talk and the last it was like 47 minutes in 45 minutes in i went you know what i know i was in the middle of this but y'all don't deserve to hear the

punchline fuck you fuck this town goodbye and that was uh appleton wisconsin i hate that place i'll never fucking go back i'll go to other places i ain't gonna see no more apples uh-uh i think i saw you say something about that i hate them i'll talk about appleton wisconsin whenever i get the fucking chance not everybody there is terrible but a lot of people are i'd say it's probably 60 40 60 people terrible 40 people are nice that's it that's it what were you doing the bad when you were when you were walking off the stage or the playwright what you this is me walking off stage doing math in my head being like you suck you suck you suck you seem nice lady you seem nice you suck oh man i fucking hate it there. But I mean,

if you get booked, there it goes. You'll have a nice time. I bet. I don't think you heard my complete set. I think you just heard it in bits and pieces. People think like this, this physique, this, the meter, this face, this physicality, people supposed to talk about rainbows and butterflies and when they hear what comes out of my mouth they be like oh oh wow wait wait that wasn't what this was supposed to be that's what it was i like that you think that people see a small person they go rainbows and butterflies I can't wait to hear comedy about that I like your stuff I think you were so fucking funny you made me laugh so hard when I saw you at Dynasty Typewriter can you tell me about the time you invited Neo to see

you perform at the J spot you just you're gonna bring up my not finest hour well how did you invite how did you meet neo how did you invite neo how did you get him to come see you perform listen uh what's okay this is the last time i'm ever gonna tell this bob story okay it's all on this day remember this wait this is gonna come out july 1st you know we're in the thickest summer and this is the last time you are telling this neo story the last time you get it exclusively so when i first moved to first of all i have the dumbest look okay i just have dumb luck and I'm never thinking like I'm never thinking like I'm the one. OK. I never think like I'll be in a crowded room.

And I'm never thinking like out of all these millions, I'm going to be the one. OK. Anyway, I used to go to a lot of stuff, So much stuff when I first came to LA. Just so many entertainment events. I used to get invited to random stuff. And I was at the AMAs. It was either the AMAs, the CAAs, one of those award shows. Probably the AMAs.

Neo's like, he's not a country singer. The CMAs is country. That's at the CAAs, and that's a telling oh that's a that's an agency that's a creative arts agency baby so okay the a the american music awards the amas we'll say that for the billboard one of those awards one of them and i met him you know i mean just being myself, just, just talking shit. And he goes, uh, man, you funny. What do you do? And then I was like, I'm a comedian. And he's like, Oh, really? What's your next show? And I was like, Oh shit. I was like, Oh, I got a spot. I got a show at the J spot. Uh, tomorrow night. He's like, we coming. Him and Cole click. That was like,

tomorrow night he's like we coming him a whole clip that was like that ain't fucking coming yo this is me like two days into comedy uh-huh and 22 seconds into comedy and i'm like yeah i got a show tomorrow come see me okay come see these hot three seconds i'm about to because at that point i thought i had an hour okay i thought i had my hour i thought i had my special anyway neo and his clique show up to the j spot mercedes benz like they they come his manager they show up him and the people that the j spot system and the v. They like we in the VIP. We pop in bottles of whatever water they got. Champ. Pippily.

Okay. And I think I'm not I'm not very certain. Okay. Jackie Fabulous was on stage. Jackie wasn't doing so. stage Jackie wasn't doing so nothing is more unnerving than performing for black people with money or black people that think they got them uh-huh it's more unnerving than that because baby you you ain't what's your little talent? What's, do your little thing. Because we here to show off our outfits.

Uh-huh. Okay? So Jackie, she's still like, all right. You know what I'm saying? She's like, but I'm finna go kill it, okay? I'm finna go kill it. Jackie gets on stage and I'm like, yeah, so this is what you gotta do. You gotta tell them this and you gotta do that.

Watch this. So the host, and I forget who was hosting, but he was a real asshole. He goes, yeah, this next young lady, she came on and said, I've never seen her before. That's the worst when a host goes, I ain't never seen this bitch before, but I think she be funny i don't know she looks funny please welcome to the stage you're like you what just say just say it's funny just say it right no that ain't that's not the decoud de gra he goes i never see but she must be funny she got her people neo them in the building. They in the VIP. But wait. At this point, I still got confidence. Okay?

Still got confidence because I still ain't been up there yet. I do have my clique. My clique is here. So I get on stage and I'm like, hey. It was like, eh. Eh. But I'm used to getting like, hey. It was like, eh. Eh. But I'm used to getting like, hey. Mm-hmm.

Okay. And, of course, it's the old, an old Black auntie and an old Black grandma in the audience is my worst enemy. Mm-hmm. Because they all, anytime you hear, I like her. They're not going to like you. You didn't do good. Okay. You didn't do good. Okay.

You didn't do good. So I was like, hey. And it was like, the claps were like, they just fuck. It was like. And then Slade just said, I like her. She cute. And I was like, okay. So I get out.

I tell, I'm like, I'm going to come up across the head. I'm going to tell my closer. I did my closer and they was like, no. And I panicked. I panicked because remember, I got like seven minutes of material at this point. My closer was like two and a half. So at this point, I got five minutes and it's gotta be heat i keep going nothing finally i say what they and this dude puts his foot on the stage this how close he is to me and he says damn baby you fine but you ain't funny oh no everybody heard it oh everybody heard it oh no this is neo's exit oh no

this is when they exited oh no how wild and they they left but I didn't see them exit at this point. They let me suffer through five more minutes, got off stage, and then I look at the VIP, they not there, so then I go outside. They were in the car. I was like, did y'all have fun? Did y'all have fun? They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll call you. We'll call you? Never saw him again. Never saw him again. How truly devastating.

My word. They must have lost my number. Oh, no. Baby, you fine. But you ain't funny. That's heartbreaking. Put his foot on the stage. Don't forget that part.

Put his foot on the stage. He put his foot in it. Oh, my God. Oh, that is truly, truly devastating. How did you get into comedy? How did you decide you wanted to do it? And honestly, after that, how did you find the strength to continue? No, I'm kidding. After every bomb, you're you're like whatever let me just try this shit again uh to be honest nicole i thought you

was gonna have some fine talent behind you and i don't think there ain't no ain't no man came out yet ain't no way i'm waiting for this is why won't you date me and i I'm looking for a date. I thought you were going to have several dates. Oh, I, I, you know what? God bless. I'm so sorry. Uh, it is not a podcast where I find you a date.

Um, I would be doing the Lord's work if I was hooking people up, but selfishly, I just call this. Why won't you date me? And I interview people. And then, uh,

it's up to the people listening to slide into your dms and that happens i i i nicole i thought now to be honest i listened to the podcast but i thought she was gonna do something special for me i'm so sorry but imagine i was like and here are all the men and then there's just a bunch of dudes who are like oh hello or ladies i don't know what you're into and they're like oh hello i i got you but no sorry i don't have any dates for you okay well i guess i will trudge along in this bullshit ass uh life story about oh well well listen you just have to wait till, so we're recording this before July. So this is going to come out in July. So you just got to wait till July. July 1st gun drop.

And then, OK, tell them right now. What is your Instagram? Oh, well, since ain't no dick on the docket. What is your Instagram? At Keetra Long at K-E-T as in Tom R-A Long. What's your Twitter? Officially Keetra at. I hope y'all know how to spell officially,

but it's can you spell official? No, I'm kidding. But no, no, I hope y'all can spell it. Cause I spelled it once to name it that. And then I never thought about it again.

I don't think I could spell officially O-F-F-I-A-L no L-Y you missed the whole C how did you miss wait officially officially O-F-F-I-C-A-L-L-Y I-A- i a l l y oh shit this is embarrassing listen okay we just gave out keitra's fucking instagram and shit so if you trying to take keitra on a date slide into those dms what is your type keitra anybody with some money but like like like somebody anybody with some money anybody with some money a four-foot goat a four-foot goat as long as it's got money oh they got money keitra no yes i'll say a goat can't take care of you hey rent is due all the 15 okay a goat can't cook you dinner a goat can't

take you out to the movies. A goat can be dinner. Okay. So you want to date a four foot goat that's going to give you money. You're going to cook it for dinner. You girl. Money is my motivation. Money is my mood. So, okay.

So you're looking for somebody with money. Yes. Rich, because I am steep. I look, I ain't made it yet. Okay. I am. Look, I ain't made it yet. OK, so just from now. Hey, in July, when this airs might be different. But as of date, I made it. OK, so. All right. Listen, in a world, say we're in like the upside down or whatever. Everything is different. Money doesn't matter. What are you looking for?

Oh, loyalty. OK. matter what are you looking for oh loyalty okay what else loyalty tall be tall please okay tall loyal be attractive please be attractive be attractive and and don't try to do comedy that's it okay and don't try to do comedy don't try to tell me any fucking jokes don't try to tell me your friends tell you you funny don't try to compete with me don't don't actually don't even like comedy how about that don't like comedy but don't you want them to support you and like come to your shows and shit? Yeah, but I want them to sit there and be quiet. Just be secure. Nicole, I'm sure you get this as a female comedian.

I'm sure you get it all the time. Get what? Random dudes who may or may not know you. And they're like, oh, people tell me i'm funny all the time or they're trying to tell you jokes and shit oh yeah i have been on dates with gentlemen who are like i'm funny people told me i'm very funny they told me i'm a comedian i'm like oh well if they tell you to do it you should just go do it i went on a date with a dude who i was like this isn't a date you're just picking

my brain about like open mics and shit and i was like i don't know how to say this without coming across as cocky it's like i don't do open mics anymore but like here's a website that you could find a lot of open mics on here's a lot of spots that still do them or not still doing but do them um and then he was like okay okay okay so like do i just like show up and i was like i can't walk you through how to do all this this is terrible this dude just slid in my dms he's actually kind of cute he had a daughter and uh i don't know kids i try to embarrass single fathers uh single mothers wore the shame for years my mother was a single mother like she wore the scarlet letter. Got to get them all back now. Got to get them all back.

It's time to flip the script on a man who stepped up and is taking care of his child. Right, right. You can't be stepping up. You can't be out here posting pictures of you and the kid looking cute. You filthy. Where's your woman? Where's your ring? Dirty.

You're dirty. You're disgusting. you should be married god doesn't approve of this so what did you say to him in your dms no here's the thing you know oh it was from the show marcella's show that we did oh yeah women crush yes this dude was actually like two or three dudes was in my deals but this one oh this one he he was he was cute like he was like hey i really enjoyed your set uh maybe we can go out some like no this way said maybe we can uh have coffee and i can discuss like I've always wanted to do comedy and we can discuss I was like well I don't drink coffee but I can tell you if you want to do comedy uh you know just start with

open mics boom and then I said there's a list there's groups on Facebook and he goes yeah but he's a legend I want to take you out now my brain is very black and white would like to date me say that if you would like to talk to me about comedy say that like I I don't I don't you're not mixing the two you're not getting a spatula putting in a ball mixing it up and scooping it out yeah I and and that's in general that's with anything in life you have to be very direct with me i i have uh my brain a little slow uh but he was he was like he just kept prodding like yeah but you maybe you could do you have an open mic i said i don't have an open sir what do you want because at this point add me uh i mean follow me that's the courtesy that's how you get me you you get my numbers help me get my numbers up

otherwise i'm just not like you're not even doing the basics and you got a kid sir i could just tell you now i could just save us both some pain um yeah i probably wouldn't fuck i mean i i also think people could be just a little bit more direct and a little bit more upfront with like what their intentions are and like what the fuck they want from you because otherwise you just have to wonder and that's not fun my mom used to always say my okay because i was my mom's favorite argue with your mama if you want to argue with me about that uh that was for my sisters my mom used to always say like you have so much book sense but no common sense you're gonna have a hard time in life baby wow but no she she understood my strength

like I'm not like you have to be you have to tell me like you have to say yes or no like the in between doesn't make sense to me nothing absolute doesn't make sense to me. Nothing absolute doesn't make sense to me. So if he would have asked me out, I would have respected him more. And I probably would have said yes. But since he was like, do you have an open mic? I said, at this point, I'm like, you see my work, baby. Do I look like I got an open mic? Come on.

Look how professional I am. When did you get your first boyfriend? Oh, shit. That's murky. Because I was, like, ugly up until I was, like... I think I was 17, 18. 17, 18. Oh, stop it.

You weren't ugly. I get tired of having to tell people these stories. I'm a... I wasn't ugly, but let me just say this. I was very awkward. I had a I'm a I wasn't ugly but let me just say this I I was very awkward I had a through from probably fifth sixth grade to 12th grade very awkward I had a mustache I weighed like I weighed 87 pounds when I graduated high school oh yeah teeny Yes. I was very little. I was very, you know, and then had to put myself, didn't have myself together. You know, people don't believe that. But that's honestly. So that was like 17, 18. I didn't get my first boyfriend until then. And he was in college. Oh, he was in college. He was in college. So I did. Oh, so an older man, man, a man, man, a man, a man. Oh, whatever.

I tried. Yes. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Yes, he went and still follow me on Instagram because they still all want it. You see it, baby. Real quick. We have to take a break.

And we're back okay so you're saying every dude you've ever dated follows you on instagram because they all still want it or that the last dude that proposed to me oh like last month or the month before last who is married by the way wait you said what the last dude who what proposed me proposed marriage to you was already married no no no he wasn't already he went and got married after like after i cheated on him but that's neither here nor there wait what back up so the last start this again the last dude that you started again that was that that see the code you're missing the point i was trying to get somewhere else with that see how i'm trying to go i'm trying to reverse back and take a left okay i don't want to go right i want to know about this man who you cheated on and then he got married but he still

follows you on instagram tell me about this he don't follow me on instagram but he like like he came to my page like after a long okay so quick story i grew up jehovah's witness i don't know if you know that in your research let me go through it uh nope that's not fair so i grew up jehovah's witness and um that was i was at one point i was trying to get my life together i'm a heathen right now it is what it is but the kingdom hall was like right behind my last apartment so i would just walk there and start going and i was trying to get myself together and uh he was there and i noticed him and then one day i went to the bank and we re-met i had some we re-met we connected well he was this fellowship i don't know what that is that's when you kind of disassociated from the congregation or whatever at the time.

So he was living life fast and free. So he's fucking around. And then he was like, marry me. But I'm out here, baby. You can't tame me. You know what I mean? OK. And so I ended up cheating on him with an ex dude that was dogging me out.

That's neither here nor there. Okay. Yeah. My grandma died and Bay flew me back to Alabama where then on the way back, I cheated on him with said ex. And then he like, he was trying to get back to me. He was like, let's get married before I go back into the congregation. Let's get married before I go back into the truth. Anyway, long story short, that didn't work out.

Needless to say, he went through my phone, found out I was cheap. None of his business, but he got what he got. Okay. You know, shouldn't have got caught. Shouldn't have got caught catching me. You know what I mean? So anyway, he left. We broke up we we broke up we parted ways just probably like five years ago and he would always message me and email me all the time

so I was like yeah he before he got married he messaged me and he emailed me and i was like great congratulations then he kept email i was like listen i'm gonna tell your wife if you keep contacting me i'm gonna tell your wife uh-huh and then he held off for like another seven months and then he hit me up again and i sent his wife a message on facebook get your man only because he had did me dirty. He did me dirty. But you cheated on him. Yeah, but he had did me dirty in the midst of that. But how did he do you dirty? Because he called, said, dude, I was cheating

with. But you were cheating, so you were doing the dirty first. No, because he should have went through my phone. But you were cheating, so then he like thought maybe I should go through her phone, and then it confirmed that you were cheating. Kendra! if you think then you should just go okay i don't believe in going through people's phones i do not believe that because if your instincts is telling you something follow that instincts or be prepared for whatever consequences come later because guess what he did find out I was cheating

and then we still got back together and I was still cheating the best part about this is the way you are telling this like you are in the right you are not in the right yeah I can tell we got back together and I was still cheating I can tell you that now because it was a lesson learned. First of all, I'm not a good cheater. I'm not at all because I was nervous every time, all the time and I'm not that person. So, but that's what I learned. I'm not that person.

But then I told his wife and he probably deleted the messages from her because one morning I woke up at five o'clock to take my pee break and lo and behold it's like nine instagram likes all on my phone and guess who they're from him why do you keep finding me i guess he just really loves being cheated on i don't know no you know what it is you know what it is what I think because I'm like this when it seems like you have something right there in your grasp and then a person changes that quick you want to believe that they were the person they were before they did said thing to you

so you're always holding on to that person instead of what's really in front of you interesting so he was holding on to the the the keacher who did not cheat on him the before times yeah yeah man and that was i was immature though a date me now well yes okay now in the year of our lord of 2022 you is a changed woman you ain't gonna cheat no more no i am not i would not do that to somebody i've been shit i i was not good at it that was the lesson nicole aren't you missed it i wasn't there no i got the lesson i. You're not good at it. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how. I couldn't cheat on anybody.

I tell my business too much. I would just be like, hey, I cheated on you. That's what I did last night. I fucked somebody else. Sorry. What's your side, Nicole? I'm a Virgo. Thank you with a Virgo rising.

Thank you again. Virgo with a Virgo I don't know that many Virgos except for Beyonce yes me and Beyonce we are both Virgos thank you I don't know we have we have good chemistry I have to look up my chemistry

with Virgos wait what are you I'm a Pisces okay Pisces and virgos okay let's see if we're compatible oh a pisces and virgo friendship is what highly compatible as pisces is full of compassion they're full of compassion and will do whatever they can to keep their friends in times of need, making them seem naive in their trust.

But this is one aspect of their personality that makes them so unique. What about me? Okay, so we're both mutable signs, which means we're flexible and adaptable

and can adjust to any situation, which makes us great friends. Okay, we have a strong sense of morality and appreciate honesty um let's see highly intuitive read each other's thoughts without speaking making us ideal friends see nicole we did have instant chemistry because I remember I told you I thought you didn't fuck with me. Yes, but I don't remember not talking to you or not being like nice to you. It wasn't that you weren't nice to me. It's just that you went and fucking.

I was like, oh, hey, you're just like, oh, because I didn't know you. You know, when you meet someone for the first time, you're just like, oh, I don i don't know hello i thought you would be like you were at the dynasty when we talk sorry well i walked in and you were just like very animated and talking and i was like oh i want to talk to this person this is fun yeah and my boy and you have my boyfriend my boo who uh what's that what's that oh my friend evan evan oh my god my boo what's his name so so little secret i have short-term memory loss oh you do oh like it's very serious i'm so sorry how did this happen i think from birth oh how do you get tested for that because i don't remember shit right right well it's a it's a it's like they send you to like mental skills test and basic

basic test and you like get on this paper and it's like oh what's this a circle square repeat what it was and then it's like square circle circle it's just a series of little repeated tests repetitive stuff and I do and people get me like that all the time because people will be like hey Keetra or and they fuck up my name or Keetra hey Keetra and I'm like hey and they're like I've seen you do comedy and I i'd be like oh shit you don't know me damn it i mean yeah i i forget that i've met people i have adopted uh i try not to say nice to meet you anymore i try to say nice to see you and then sometimes people will go this is the first time i'm seeing you and i'm like okay cool thank you uh i'm really glad you uh you pointed that out that that really means the world

to me thank you but nicole you're just a nut first of all you you are one of the only person people that i've just like not had like good i mean like interaction with before and we've just seen each other in passing like Keetra. And then I was like, Oh shit. She like took the time to say my name correctly. Like, Oh, Oh,

bet. Like I, like I fuck with you. Well, okay. It's because my best year friend is Sashir Zameda and people mispronounce her name so much and when i first met her i put her name in my i put her name in my phone incorrectly i just misspelled it so every

time i looked at it i was like that can't be the way you say it what the fuck what so then i just didn't say her name out loud for a while until i heard her say it a bunch of times and i was like okay so her name is sashir so then i was like hey sashir and then she was like yes and i was like oh i did it i said it right i don't know so it's just like i try to get people's names right sometimes i really fuck it up yeah every time somebody fucks my name up so when somebody says it correctly it means like the world to me it it shows that they cared enough. I was at a show the other night and this guy was like, oh, I watched several interviews and I was like, damn, I didn't even know I had several interviews.

But OK, I watched several interviews to make sure I was pronouncing your name correctly. And I was like, damn, I mean, I mean, it's like so much to me. You know, there's people out there who are trying Keisha let me ask you a question do you remember your first kiss yes I do it was in a coat closet a coat closet yeah I was hot I was hot out there I was I was a little baddie it was like I think I was like seven six or I might have been six or seven I was there was this bad boy in my class Jason I forgot his name Jason I'm a little white boy at my little urban school okay and he was bad he used to get kicked out of class every single day like and I every single day he was so

bad uh and he got sent outside our little cubicles where we used to put our coats. That's what the teacher would send him. And so, of course. Wait, the teacher would send him to a coat closet? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm sure he's got some probably issues with, like, claustrophobia or something. I'm sure he's in therapy right now being like, yeah, that bitch shoved me in a closet. I don't know why.

That's fucked up. You can't do that. It wasn't't small it was like a long room though still it's where coats go not children listen that's the way they used to do it i guess so all right so jason is in the coat closet being bad and i got i got in trouble and i got sent back there too i don't think she remembered Jason was back there. Oh no, this woman. So we were just back there doing whatever. And Jason was swinging from the little coat thing and I were in front of him and he just kissed me.

And I was like, this is ground. This is like too adult for me and I kissed him back and that was that and then did you guys like talk about it I'm kidding this is how old were you you were six yeah never spoke about it again till this day till this day looking for Jason looking for that kiss well Jason if you're listening to this and you kiss katra let us know you could email why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com and let us know about what that kiss was like in a coat closet with me the legend have you ever made out like in the back of a school bus yes oh my god yes i've had some very traumatic like i but i didn't i haven't had very many relations you said traumatic yeah the first

time i got fingered was on a school trip a basketball sport trip and this boy named reginald uh you put everybody's names out here yeah yeah yeah well it's traumatic you don't have to talk about it they know what it is they fuck with a legend so uh okay so so boys boys and girls basketball team just gonna field trips together all the time but boys are supposed to be in the back girls were supposed to be in a frat but of course inner city school we bad we raw we coming home from a game a good loss or a good win everybody fucking on the bus everybody they could out kiss it somebody get finger bang i wanted my chance to get finger so me and him liked each other and I take my little hot tail back there. And I sit in the seat. Now, he had fingernails at the time.

I'm about to say what it is. That's what it is. Yeah. He had fingernails. So I didn't know where it was. So he just put his little hands down there. Well, he was trying. Like, so I had never been penetrated before.

Okay. I mean, I didn't even know where it was that was the first time like what do you mean you didn't know where it was I didn't know where my little hole was I don't know what I didn't know where the sex hole was wait how old are you at this point this is high school like 14 15 okay you never had like a mirror and look down there or anything no girl good christian girl good christian girl okay and you just you never thought to just like stick your little fingers down there and see what was going on but you were like on this bus let me get fingered yeah i thought he was just gonna touch me you don't touch me oh no let's go touch it down now you know play around a little bit uh-huh

little tattlation little tattlation oh no and then he he had nails so he just he kept going i was like ouch that kind of so anyway he just put his finger all the way but he scratched so i fingering i still have uh post-traumatic stress like from fingers like you can't you probably like play with my clitoris but you cannot oh i'm just telling you, I'm just telling the people why I got post-traumatic stress. If you try to slide in my DMS, I'm telling you off rip, come on now. Don't come over there with your little hand. Okay. Um, what about the best date you've been on man i have had such good i've been flewed out a couple of times who flewed you out hey now we can't be saying those names we can't i want to know who flewed you out okay i understand we can't okay now it's a couple names i will not draw uh you've

been flewed out a couple times yeah haven't you no no but no no nobody's ever flued me nowhere i'm the fluer if i want someone to go somewhere i gotta be fluent no one's flued me anywhere yes nicole this is why we're about to be best friends we finna get you flued out this i mean like where did you get flued to beautiful you too beautiful not to be have have gotten flu out well thank you i appreciate that where'd you get flu to i ain't a couple trips out of the country you know out of the country you had to get a passport to go on a date i've been had a passport it's passport key baby wait what country did you get to go to on this date uh we went to asia uh we went to a couple places i went to thailand what yeah and how long are these dates oh that one was like

because he was working so oh okay that one was like but i we i think I was there for like, I think I was in Asia for like three, three and a half weeks. Damn. This life. I want this life. And you can have it. I don't know. See, you out here. You out here.

So she's got a man. She does. That's why you got to get you a side side best friend. A side side. All right. You gonna be my side side side get me flued out how much have you learned from me already nicole i have learned that cheating takes a lot a lot of work and it's not fun and that i too could get flued out if i but you haven't told me how how

do i make this happen i don't know. I have the dumbest luck. Once again, I just had the dumbest luck. So, okay, did you approach these people or did they approach you? I'm like, truly, teach me. Teach me how to get a man with money. They approach me. Nicole, I am, for as big of an extrovert as I am, I am such an introvert. I am so shy about talking to people like unless like you have to be like hey okay it's okay to talk to me I mean because I've been in so many crazy situations I think the only celebrity that

ever like dissed me was Drake. Drake dissed you? Yeah. Will he do? It wasn't even a Drake. I was at an award show once again. How are you at all these award shows? Right. Not getting an award.

And that's why I stopped going to them. Because I didn't get no goddamn award. Let me get my ass. I vow not to go to award shows. So I go. Also, you look absolutely beautiful at the I think you were at the Emmys this year in the pink

oh that was the Critics Choice Awards that's how you get flewed out bitch I'm trying to tell you not one person flewed me out after wearing that dress not one DM not one phone call not an email

nobody nobody's trying to get at me and that's fine i get it whatever but still you have not taught me how to get flued out i think you lying nicole i'm not lying not one person has hit me up after that not one person was like you look so beautiful i want to date you are lying yeah you gotta be lying i am not lying well i have seen your titties you've seen my titties yes and they are good titties my naked titties when did you see my titties no not naked titties i just seen them in a dress like pulled out not your naked come on now okay i'm not trying no come on now now you got a nice set of titties they're fine they're fine they're actually pretty small it's a lot of padding yeah we talk you you talk about that on your set but i'm telling you they look good in a dress. Well, thank you.

So I don't. That's how come I don't believe you not getting flew down. I'm not. And I need to know you still haven't given me the instructions on how to make it happen. If you'll notice, I haven't told you because I don't have the answer. I had the dumbest. Besides, I just had the dumbest luck with me. Wait, how did Drake diss you?

So you're at another award show. This was and it wasn't even a diss like that but this is hilarious uh at an award show i forget what it is i that same night i met like diddy i met 50 that night and i had hey i was on a good run you know i was at the bar with John Legend, Chrissy Teigen. Okay. I was, I had a good run that night. So I was sitting by myself like I always do because I'll be people watching. Mm-hmm. And there's, at the show, at the theater, wherever we were, there's like a separate entrance.

And then there's these steps, which is what I didn't see I didn't notice the steps so Drake floated down like Jesus okay uh-huh Drake floats down like Jesus and then all of a sudden he's just there like right in front of me and I'm like oh shit and then a swarm of people out of nowhere come and then it's everybody like ah joey love you and then this white lady and her kid come along like can i get a picture he's like oh yeah sure and he takes a picture with a white boy i was like well surely oh surely so i wait for the crowd to dismantle and then it's like still like kind of people and then i was like hey i was like hey drake what's up he's like what's up and then i'm like can i get a picture he's like oh okay one second i'll be right back never came loaded loaded back up the steps never came back he said no thank

you goodbye right and i and you know what you know what i think it was I think it was? I had on my coat. I had on my coat. Oh, he couldn't see the titties. Well, he wasn't going to see them. No way. I'm all stern. Really ain't got no titties. But if I had a scooty, if I had a scooty like 36 inches to the right, if he'd have caught me with the coat on and saw my ass cheek hanging off the chair, I'd have got that picture. I'd have got that picture.

There wouldn't be no stopping me. There wouldn't be no stopping me. If he'd have just seen that booty cheek just hanging off the chair, he would have said, mm-hmm, got to get that picture. I'm Keith the Cheek. Keith the Cheek. Wait, real quick, we have to take another break Keetra okay so what advice do you have for me to try to start like finding somebody

to try to start like finding somebody. Hey, with me, baby, I'm the way. Okay. I'm the way, the truth and the light.

No, but you single too. Yeah. Yeah. This, this, we're collected. You don't have to say it like that,

but yeah, we're together in this. Okay. We got, we got, we got to wrap this up too. Okay. We got to wrap this up. Okay. Just to bring it back, what you're looking for

is a four-foot goat with money who's loyal and not into comedy and that's what you want. Absolutely. So if someone was to slide into your DMs, would you respond? If I like you, yeah.

Okay, I asked all my guests this question, Keetra. Would you date me? Yes! Fuck yeah! Ooh, I love to hear that. Sometimes people say no, and it hurts my dang feelings. Well, they say no, but Nicole, dang feelings that's what they say no but nicole we are compatible uh zodiac signs so we are a virgo and a pisces we're mutable so i'm mutable

first of all we're gonna go on a date but not that date that kind of date we're gonna go on a date to get you a date okay and then we'll get you a date and then we'll all have dates. Yeah. Can we, if we don't get that goat, I don't know how it's going to turn out though. I don't know. I'm telling you, people are going to DM you. They're going to slide into your DMs. They're going to be like, Ooh, this person's going to be good for you. Or they'll be like, Hey, I'm a man and I'm good for you or whatever. Like, I think your DMs are going to be flooded. Who's the most successful guest you've had? The most successful?

What do you mean? In terms of like getting DMs or like? Yeah. All of my male guests, every single last one of them have thanked me after, like a month after the podcast airs. And I go, Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, the DMs are plentiful. They are flowing. It is a well.

It has runneth over what to treat for me in my eyes. Lots of tattoos and whatnot. Yeah, because a lot of single ladies listen to this podcast. And apparently 12 straight men, they keep DMing me to let me know that they're a new one who has started listening. So at least 12 DMs. I could expect. Yes, you're going to get 12 DMs from all my straight men. At least 12 DMs.

Look, I'm going to comb my hair. I'm going to do all the frits. I'm going to run the nine. And if you are a four foot goat. I'm going to do all the frits. I'm going to run the nine. And if you are a four foot goat. I love that you just keep saying goat. I want to read. I did get hit on on Instagram or not Instagram on Twitter recently.

This lovely, lovely gentleman. He said, hello, Nicole. I am. Oh, no. Wait. Hello, Nicole. he said uh hello nicole i am tell oh no wait hello nicole i'm telling you leave the single life bypass dating and skip right to being my lady i saw you on the math singer and i'm a man of substance so i care less about your money your body is fire i love chocolate bbws with big titties and pretty toes and i I didn't know. Oh, and then he just tweeted, if you got big humongous titties with big chocolate brown, pink or red tits,

red, that need sucking and a fat punani that needs to be licked and sucked for hours on a regular basis and you're in Los Angeles, hit me up. It seems like he's just hitting up any old person. Wait a minute. He wrote a song. Treat her like a lady. I love this man. His name is Joel Turner, the way you're looking at me. I'm trying to find the other tweets that he tweeted at me oh yeah he's just tweeting the

lyrics to his song he's having a good time uh so why won't you date this man he sounds he sounds like a good prospect he i you know he i don't know maybe i will date him uh i'm trying to find what what is your type, Nicole? My type, honestly, right now, is, like, nice, kind, caring, nice to me, um, attractive to me, has a job with, like, income, uh, living their dream, not, like, following a dream. Okay. We gonna find you somebody. Get me flued out, please, Catra. Okay, Catra, we have, oh my God, I just mispronounced your name, Keetra. We just, I got too excited about getting flued out.

I'm so sorry. I'm hanging up. This is over. Keetra, no! Listen, I got excited about getting flued out, but we have come to the end of the podcast. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Just follow me on Instagram,

because by the time y'all hear this, no. Okay, well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you're going to follow Keetra. You're going to love Keetra. You're going to DM her. And if you like this episode of why won't you date me you're gonna follow cutra you're gonna love cutra you're gonna dm her and if you like it you could rate it five stars on apple podcasts or whatever and spotify and shit and if you write me a dirty message hitting on me i will read it uh you can write it to why won't you damey podcast at gmail.com please don't send dick

pics because my wonderful producer marissa doesn't want them. But also this person DM this one to me. They said, I want to take you on a fun vacation while there we'll participate in a grape stomping. Like I love Lucy. It'll be so fun. We'll both fall over and get totally covered in grapes and grape juice. I'll lick the sticky grape residue off your body and you'll enjoy it so much

that we'll end up making sweet, sweet love right there at the grape stomping place. I promise I won't get any grape in your puss. After that, we'll go for a delicious meal of authentic pasta and you guessed it, more wine. Thank you. So that's it for this episode. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.