Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Celibate for 18 Years (w/ Debra DiGiovanni)

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

Comedian Debra DiGiovanni joins Nicole to discuss her experience being single and celibate for 18 years, importing her current boyfriend, and shares what it was like to date a feeder. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me Up Podcast, where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could stab me in the eye with your dick and go, now you got 20-20 vision, and I go, that wasn't 20 inches and he goes shut up anyway

my my guest today is a multiple award winning comedian from Canada you've seen her on much as video on trial match game and last one laughing Canada

and one of my favorite stand-ups ever we once did a show where i don't think i've ever done this with anybody but i was like you gotta tell that that joke with the nail polish and she was like no i don't think so and i was like hey i think i'd really be happy if you told that and. And then she did it for me! She's a jukebox! She's perfect! It's Debra Dejavani! Hello!

Hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi. Good to see you. Thank you so much for being here. I think about that joke a lot. It's one of my favorites. And it's so funny. I think about your about that joke a lot. It's one of my favorites. It's so funny. I think about your Liberty Bell joke a lot. Oh, thank you.

It's literally perfect. How are you? How have you been? I'm all right. It's been, I mean, I still feel like I haven't seen people for like three years. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm still on that sort of like, there's still a lot of people like I haven't seen people for like three years. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm still on that sort of like, there's still a lot of people that I haven't seen in so long. It feels so strange, you know? It feels like no time has passed. And yet it also feels like three years have passed.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And a lot of us are doing the same things. And then I just found out like a couple people that I know have moved to different states and are no longer like acting or doing comedy. And I was like, what? That's weird. You're a therapist now?

You're a social worker? I truly believe that we need some sort of, I don't know, like some sort of updated little, like, I don't know if it's a spreadsheet of some sort where everyone is and if they've broken up with their partner. I'm very concerned about that. Like when I see someone who I know was like, oh, pictures, pictures. And then all of a sudden they're not. I'm just like, is everything okay? Yeah. What's going on? Do you want to tell me? Right. I was very concerned about Joel Kim Booster for a while. I think they're still together, but for a moment I panicked, but I think we're okay. I need to know. And I need to know, did you move? Like, I think a lot of people have moved to New York. Don't you feel like that?

I feel like a lot of our LA people. A lot of people did go to New York. Yeah. Yeah, ton of people. Wait, Debra, let me ask you a question. So you have a series on Instagram, a hashtag, if you will, called hashtag fake boyfriend Friday. Where did that come from? I don't know. I think it was just one of those things that, you know, when you're single for so long, you start to do this little whatever. Oh, fake boyfriends, my boyfriend. And then it was just like it was an Instagram thing that just happened. And I think was just like, it was an Instagram thing that just happened. And I think I just, a little throwaway, like, oh, talked about someone as if he was my boyfriend and just, you know, a lot of people are like, oh, that's so funny. And then,

you know, I've always been a little boy crazy. So then it was just like finding pictures of cute guys and then like online and just like making up stories about them and then I just started to call it fake boyfriend Friday and people really liked it and you know the thing is it was so silly because uh everyone would you know a lot of people would ask do they ever contact you and yes I had like yeah I had several I'm gonna say like maybe like five or six of the dudes would literally write me and go, uh, that was fun.

Thanks so much. And everyone is always super cool about it. I had one guy from Germany, like some German model wrote me and he was like, I don't know what this is, but I think it's fun. And I was like, great.

Good. I love that. Maybe I start doing that. And when they, when they contact me, I'll be like, Sue, do you want to become real boyfriend every day? This is exactly it. We're not, you know, I mean, whatever gets it going, do you know what I mean? Whatever starts it, whatever starts the conversation. So I've stopped it. I've kind

of stopped it lately. And I, this is so silly. I had I had, unbeknownst to me, I did not know. I don't do a lot of research into the men that I'm choosing. Sure. Cute guy, found it. Apparently, he's dead. And how am I supposed to know? I'm sorry. It was just a cute guy.

Apparently, he was like a semi-pro skateboarder. My type. And, yeah, and I got, and people wrote me and they're like, you're disgusting. Apparently he was like a semi pro skateboarder, my type. And yeah. And I got, and people wrote me and they're like, you're disgusting. How did, and I was like,

I'm sorry. I didn't know. And also like, how is it disgusting that I'm just saying a man is attractive. He's dead. And I was like, so once you're gone, your hotness,

I don't know. I literally have in my will that I have put the phone numbers of some gentlemen who have fucked me and I have made it my best friends. I was like, this is something you have to do. Sorry about it. There's a lot of things you got to do for this funeral, but you have to contact these men that I put in my will to come to my funeral and specifically talk about how hot and how good my pussy was.

I love this plan. This is a contingency plan of some sort. Like when I'm dead, I want people to be like, boy, she was funny. Then little titties were nice and she was hot as fuck. That's exactly it. Let me leave on some really good press. You know what I mean? Like really, really good press. I love that I mean? Like really, really good press.

I love just real good. I love that. I think that's great. And I think like, isn't don't you want to be known as hot after you after you? I mean, I just anyone would be like, she was a solid six. You know, she was fine she was like whatever nice she was a nice girl no how did you meet your partner your current partner well let me tell you this is um because you imported uh yes now this is that is sort of I want to do I want to say this and it might seem very whatever but I'm going to tell the people in the world, especially if you live in Los Angeles, leave LA to meet a man.

I really feel like, I don't know if it's just, the man is European. He's Italian born. He lives in London. He's actually with me right now. He's going to be, he's visiting for like four months or whatever. He's going to be here until April. So he's out doing something. He's out doing something right now.

He's walking around doing something cute. Okay. So this is, this is a story quickly. A friend of mine, Sophie Hagen comic from she lives in London as well. He went to her comedy show to their comedy show, like them started following them on social media.

And they, she and I, I think I'm allowed to call her. She she's a they, but I think she's okay with she, we're just pals on Twitter and Instagram and whatever. One day she just gave me a little shout out, you know, Deputy Giovanni, and he's like, oh, started following me, watching all the things, listened to the podcast. And I think it was about, I think it was about a year and a half, he said, and then the pandemic started, he got all ballsy, and literally just wrote me on Instagram. And it was just like, I just want to tell you, I know the pen, we don't know what's going on in the world. So I thought I'd shoot my shot and just tell you, I think you're

fabulous and gorgeous. And if you want to talk sometime, I was like, what? And then, you know, we have these, we all get the weirdos. But then it was just like, let's just check out his, his, and then I was like, hello. So I just wrote him back and he just happened to be, you know, very attractive to me. And yeah. And like literally we started talking in May, 2020 and it's been happening ever since. And I went to London in October of 2020 to meet him for the first time. I know. I know. I know.

Exactly. Let me get it in. I don't care. We may die tomorrow. That's exactly. And I was like, I'm going the minute I'm free to fly. Bye. And this was all like therapist approved.

Like therapist was like, go for it. Go meet him. And yeah. And then it was just, it was just great. And for it, go meet him. And yeah. And then it was just, it was just great. And so it's been since then. It's weird. I love that. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's such a 2020 like romance, a DM. Oh, exactly. And then like you fly there. But you know what I want to say too? Like, I really, I don't know if you have any experience in this, in the terms of relationships. I feel like most of the time when, like most of my girlfriends and my sisters that are in successful relationships did this.

Like had the terrible, like where we all go through terrible periods of dating. You're like, I hate everyone. And you just stop. That's when they meet someone. Like I'm serious. My twin sister saying meet someone like I'm my twin sister saying to me, I'm never dating again. I'm like, fine. And then nine months later, met her husband, my older sister. I'm never dating again. Six months later, met her husband. I mean, it's I don't know. I don't know. And I'd sworn off. I'd sworn off everything. I also made a list,

too, by the way, I did this as well. He He claims that I conjured him because I did a little witchy thing in 2019. What is this witchy thing? In 2019, after trying, you know, on the apps and hooking up with dudes and it all being depressing and awful. You know, I did that, like, I'm not doing this anymore. I've had enough. And I mean, I only, you know, two years and I was like, I'm done. And then a friend, a friend of mine, I know very impatient, a friend of mine was like, you know, you need to get serious and write down what you want. And I was like, what's that? She's like, make like a grocery list of what you're looking for

in a partner. And she's like, get explicit, like talk about the dick, like talk about everything. And I was like, okay. So it was on September, September 21st, 2019. I made this list of my man and I'm telling you, Nicole, I'm not joking. He is, he's alarmingly similar to what I was looking for because then I put it away and I didn't think about it again. And then like, after I met him and then like, what was like going through old notebooks of whatever and read it was like, oh, my God. Like literally, I was like, you know, European would be cool. If he was a little bit younger than me, that'd be great.

I said like maybe 10 years, maybe 12 years, because I'm very immature. He's literally 12 years younger than me. I love fucked up teeth. I love weird teeth. I do. I have a thing for like a like a snaggle tooth or a diastema or something. I love weird teeth. I do. I have a thing for like a snaggletooth or a diastema or something. I just do. And he's got these teeth. He's just, he looks like a wolf sometimes. Yeah, friendly wolf. Like his teeth go close. And it's just all of these things. Like it's like,

and I even was like, I'd love it if he wasn't straight. Do you mean honestly? Because I don't, I don't, straight men don't like me. I don't like them to be honest. And you know, he's fully bisexual. He was in a relationship with a man before me. And I got to tell you, I don't know. I don't know if that's a secret for me, but like, this is, this is, it's different because I like him. I like him as a human being. And I don't think I ever liked any of my other relationships. I love them. I love him. But do you like him? And I like this person. I like him. He's my friend. We laugh so much. He makes me laugh. And I didn't know that was going to be possible. I didn't even know I wanted that like I was like I don't need funny and now it's like oh yeah this is yeah so I'm very this is um I just yeah I know I know

honestly sometimes I think this is why I do the podcast because hearing somebody who's like deeply in love and like happy and giddy about it and it's been almost three years and you're still like so happy. But I'll tell you this though too, before pre-Filippo, that's his name, I was single and celibate for like 18 years. Good gasp, 18 years. Like I was just like, I started comedy. I started comedy and I had a terrible boyfriend at the time broke up with him and i was like i'm done i'm just gonna focus on

comedy and then it was one of those things that you look up you go oh shit have like 12 years passed and then it just so like yeah yeah yeah i just yeah. I do. Wow. I have another friend who had been celibate for years and years and years. And she just broke her seal for the first time. And I was and she's like, and it feels good. She's like real, real excited about it. But 18 years during these 18 years, I don't want to be rude about it because. No, please. It's just it is what it is.

It happened and it's fine. Yeah. And I don't want to be rude about it because it's just, it is what it is. It happened and it's fine. Yeah. And I don't want to shame it, but like, were there times you got so horny, you would cry? Yes. Okay.

Literally. Literally. And then I was like, I went like two years. I think two years is the longest. It is like, it changes you. It changes you as a person.

Like it almost like there is really like sort of a slight insanity that you sometimes feel that you like. I can't. I can't. Like you would almost get to the point where you're like something. I can't fix this. And that's what it was. I think it was like deep loneliness and like horniness that requires another person. Do you know what I mean?

Yes. It's like, yes, everyone masturbates. You can jerk off as much as you want. But there's a point where you go, I need another person in the room. Like it was even like even was like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. But it's like a very I remember like a sex in the city moment. Like one time where I'm sorry, gross. But like I remember like I love it is people will shit on it.

Yeah. But it changed television. It was groundbreaking and it holds up. Absolutely. So you can do whatever you want about it now. But at the time it was huge. And I remember there's an episode where Carrie is just like, I just want a man to lie on top of me. And you get to that point where it's just like nothing else will suffice. You're like, it has to be whatever you're into. Like you just need another human.

So there was and I also felt like there was there were a lot of times to crying. but there was a lot of times where it was like I need to fuck or fight do you mean like what if I gotta punch somebody I gotta hit somebody or have someone punch my pussy well that's what they call in Australia right a punch in the undies is what they call a fuck in Australia so it's like yes hook me up with that but anyway I need a fuck in Australia. So it's like, yes, hook me up with that. But anyway. I need a punch in the undies. A couple months ago, I was masturbating. And like right before I came, I started crying because I was like, why can't I do this with someone? And then I started laughing because I was like, you're crying literally with a magic wand on you. That's what I have to.

That's right. I was just going to ask you, what are you using right now? And I love that thing. A Hitachi magic wand and a G-Spot vibrator at the same time. But you start off with the magic wand and was sobbing and then laughing. Oh, my God. And then I was like, the birds who chill on my windowsill must be like, I don't think she's doing okay. I think she's doing bad.

We need to call somebody now. This is it. This is our moment. But yeah, because it's not natural. And we know that. And this is like, you know, we have our incels and whatever. It's like, Jesus, let's just regulate sex work and fix everything. Do you know what I mean?

Because it's not good it's not natural it is not natural you do need to be with other people you just have to yeah i mean unless you're like you know asexual and not into it and that's a lot of asexual people crave like emotional intimacy that comes from a person yes yes whatever there's a whole spectrum but i'm like it would be lovely on this day that I could just like be bop, boop bop, post date somebody come to my house, have a nice time. There's a paper trail and, you know, have a nice time and you go about your business. You can write it off on your tag and we're good to go. You know, give a generous tip, you know. Thank you so much. He comes in

that little cart with the eyes, pops out. Can you imagine if he was in the robot thing? That would be amazing. Oh my God. That would be amazing. Maybe that's a good idea. These are on the cold ideas. We have proof of this, so don't try to steal it. All right. Thank you. Can I ask, being in a long distance relationship for almost three years is that hard very very very it is you know like there are times when you think like um like I remember thinking like this is gonna be perfect you know what I mean like I don't need a lot is what my brain says I don't need to see him like every day I'm fine and it is for a while and then it's not you know it's like it's really gotten to that point now.

I think that's where we were right before he came here because it's okay. So I went to London in 2020, he came to LA in 2021. And then, so it was here until 2022. Like it's, we've gone like, we've gone like 10 months. It's usually about 10 months, 10 months, not like three months, 10 months. And it is. And it gets to the point where it three months 10 months and it is and it gets to the point where it's like again it just nothing fixes it like you're facetiming come on and and the whole like the whole like people like so do you like you guys jerk off over facetime not anymore because you get to the point where it's just like we it's just not that it's not the same anymore

and it's like this doesn't work anymore we want to just be in the same room together. So after a point, after a while, it really just gets like, this isn't funny anymore. Like, let's just, we need to just see each other. So it is hard. And especially it's like, it's not like he lives in Chicago. Like it's, it's like, it's an eight hour time difference. You know what I mean?

It's, it's a whole thing. So it's very far, but, but it's, you know, I can't complain. He's here. So right now I'm okay. you know, I can't complain. He's here. So right now I'm okay. You know what I mean? We're okay for now. Has the topic of like moving to. Yeah.

Now I think sometimes I do because, you know, again, I am Canadian. And so I did the big move to LA, which was huge. You know, I know everyone does it. Where are you from originally? Originally I'm from New Jersey. Oh, wow. So of course we all do the big move, right? Originally, I'm from New Jersey. Oh, wow. So, of course, we all do the big move, right? We all do the big move.

But now I think, you know, I mean, I moved to L.A. as an older woman. And so that was hard. And so now I'm going to London. I just think, do I have it in me to start again? But I only, I think maybe the only place that I could start over again is London because God bless them. They don't care

as much as North America does about age and weight. And I mean, London has a tendency to just like, we like you. You're allowed to have a career

and you're like, oh, there is that chance. You're allowed to be old and weird in London. But yeah, so I don't know, but it'd be a big move you know what i mean i'm i would love it if we could do both you know if we could do both but yeah yes that would be ideal you know what i mean winter's here

summer's there whatever yeah yeah and you could get like what a visa like a like a travel visa for like six months yeah you could i can actually do um because my mother is my mother was british yeah i can do oh no i could do an ancestral visa my my her my grandparents on her side are from the isle of white wow they said we'll let them know yes you coming here we white exactly i love how just completely like they don't even try to pretend it's the isle of white so that's all there is so funny so i could so that might be that's in the that's in the works as well so oh wait i'm like so excited for you because i don't you're how old are you i'm 51 51 a new beginning at 51 i know isn't like a nancy myers movie

you know like i know oh my god i'm 51 and i'm starting over 51 is not old it's not old it's like it's a great age to start over no me not making decisions right now but you're not making any decisions right now soon okay yeah yeah yeah not today although here's my dream for you you spend half your time in england half your time here and while you're here you're cast as like a wacky mom on a nickelodeon or disney show with like a chubby daughter who's like trying to navigate how she fits in the world because she's also a little a little wacky. Oh, my God. I love this plan. I love this. Right. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I don't know. Miss Disney. Mrs. Nickelodeon. We need things. Yes, please. See.

Oh, my gosh. OK. Real quick. We got to take a break. OK. Real quick, we got to take a break. Okay. Be-bop, boo-bop, we back, back, back, back, back, back.

Okay, Debra. Yeah. So how long did you talk before you went to England? Okay, we, it was May, June, July, August, September. It was, yeah, five months. It was, this was like, this was like talking every day for like two hours FaceTiming. Oh my word. I know.

I love this. And then, okay, so for me, sometimes I feel like when I talk to someone on the app for too long, I start to like make them up to be something that they're not. But also not FaceTiming, it's just a lot of texting. So like when you went, were you like like you are exactly as I thought you were or like here's the thing this is this is exactly because it's weird from going from texting every day to actually facetime so the first facetime was we were both like you know there's you know it's eye contact you know you gotta really it was probably I think we texted for about two weeks, three weeks.

And it was like, do you want to FaceTime? I was like, do we? And yeah, you know, the thing is, I think the first thing that I saw him doing, because remember, he knew me as a comedian. So he listened to me say everything. He'd watched me and I'd never seen him do a thing. And also his Instagram, he's, you know, he's not a performer. It's not about him.

Like his Instagram, he's an artist. So his Instagram is his art. And I know, gross. And he's just, I know. It was on the list and he's an artist. It's terrible.

But anyway, I can't believe it. Be careful what you wish for. But he, yeah, so it was done. So I had no, like, I couldn't, I couldn't snoop. There was nothing to snoop. A couple pictures to snoop. So when I, when I first, it's really, it makes it very real. Do you know what I mean? It makes it very real. And the first thing he had done was he sent me a little video message and it was like, I remember like hearing his voice

and like that kind of like, you get all freaked out. And then it was really very, you know, that was, I think that was probably it. Once we facetimed we realized how easy it was it was just like oh yeah this is we're okay we're okay yeah so how wonderful um a truth bomb that my therapist dropped on me the other day was i'm not responsible for anyone's happiness. I'm not even responsible for my own happiness, because what is happiness? I'm responsible for keeping myself content and making choices that please me. Oh, lovely. And it's like, and those in turn, you know, you could call them happiness, but like, why? I'm a content person. You know what? I got it. I love that. That's it. You know what? I'll say this and I'll tag this on because my therapist, I think,

I think a lot of therapists think happy is bullshit. Like the term happy is something that's been made up like obesity. You know, it's all these words are just made up to, I don't know what, but she had said that it was what, let me get it right. It was,

Oh, she said, life is a series of struggles with sections of calm. She's like, so it's a series of struggles with moments of content, calm, and then a little more struggles, content, calm. And yeah, she's like, happy as bullshit. It's all struggle. And then you have peace, joy, you know, all that kind of stuff but pretending that you're gonna let's be happy yeah it's like a made-up thing that we did yeah it's a made-up thing happy all the time and that's my issue with like body positivity because i'm like oh yeah great we could be positive or whatever but also um i can also feel negative some days i'm just like body neutrality that's exactly that's exactly oh my god too. That's all I'm going for is body. Cause the minute positivity that also feels, it feels a little phony and it feels a little like

rah, rah, rah. But body neutrality, if anyone's listening, does not know, I'd be shocked if you don't, if you're listening to Nicole and you don't know, but body neutrality is like, we all some days go, Oh, I don't feel good in my body. And that's all people. So I think body positivity is telling you, you must feel good every day. And that's bullshit. That's not true. Just like, you're not going to be happy every day. So it's just like acceptance having like, Hey, this is just a regular day and you move on with it, know because yeah yeah body positivity that's um that's interesting have you ever i'm i might embarrass myself by this but have you ever gotten flowers from a man like a delivered romantic flowers from me neither not from a man

that i was like romantically involved with yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Aaron Jennings, who's on my show constantly, if I'm sick, sends me flowers. If I like, for Emmys, he sent me flowers. Like he is one of like, he's such a kind friend. Oh, yes, yeah. And like, that, I mean, not to like gush about that show, but it does come out in March. But those boys are so caring

and so wonderful and i feel like taking care of with them and it's evolved to like more than just co-workers i love that i feel like family yeah but he sends me flowers see i have i have a male friend too um my friend darcy uh michael a comedian now a tiktok influencer um who i've known for years and years. And, you know, yes, he's a homosexual man, but still he is. He's a flower sender. He's a flower sender. He's just for celebration, for sorrow, for what he just is.

Like if there's if there's going to be. Are you home right now? I'm like, you're sending me flowers, aren't you? You're like, yeah, but I've never gotten romantic. It's so nice. It's so nice. Wait, you haven't told your current partner that you've never gotten flowers from a gentleman? Nope. Never have.

You should just say that and see what happens. I'd just drop it. I was going to say. I've never gotten flowers. I've never, yeah. You know, maybe that would be a nice thing that happens. You know, you go on a walk, you bring back flowers. One off.

You know what I mean? You are staying in my apartment. Anyway. I did get one singular flower from a person i was dating and i almost cried because no one has like someone who's romantically involved with me has never bought me flowers and i was like i kept it for so long it was like it was three flowers like three sunflowers oh and i was like oh my god and i tried keeping them alive for so long just like the love oh god bless you thank you just like the love um okay here's a terrible question that i really want to know your experience

um do you call yourself plus size what do you know i'm i'm embracing fat okay good because i i think i've said this on the podcast before but i always ask because i once called a friend fat and she was like excuse me and i was like oh no oh yeah um and i like kind of squinted and was like well how do you identify because like i mean you must see what we all see yeah yeah and it's okay it's okay to be fat that's exactly but i also think too it's like because i i feel the same way like especially like if i'm talking about myself or or just like just in a descriptor not in any way derogatory just saying oh you know saying something oh it's because i'm fat like as in why i couldn't or something and And, and I see people recoil. Like they take a little bit like they,

like they, Oh, they have that. And it's just like, no, no, no. It is just a descriptor word. That's all it is. It's tall. It's fat. You know, it's the same. And I'm, yes, I'm really just, I, I, and I'm glad to do it because I always hated it. Cause for so long because for so long, it was plus size, big, above average. I'm a big person. You know what I mean? I was expected to be 24 feet tall and walk through the street.

I'm a big person. No. I'm just a fat person. I feel like it's only been a couple years for me, to be honest, using the word fat. Oh, yeah. I only been a couple years for me to be honest using the word fat oh yeah i would say maybe five years or so yeah yeah yeah uh where i was like yeah i'm fat i'm not but also i feel like i guess i'd be like plus size i don't know i guess i just didn't refer to myself as anybody like i'm nicole and i know but uh airplanes airplanes, airlines refer to us as persons of size.

And I'm like, what? Persons of size? I am actually in the process right now of setting myself up on a for an airline. One of the only one of two airlines in Canada where I can sign up and I get a note, literally get a note from my doctor. I'm literally doing this like as of yesterday. So I can be a person of size legitimately on this airline. And then I can book two seats if I want for nothing for extra known extra money. See, that's nice. Yeah, it is nice. And I was like, Oh, look at that. I mean, they make you jump through hoops

and they make you, it's a lot of like admitting all they're gonna put it on I'm like I don't at this point I don't I don't care because you know before I don't want that beside my name I'm like no I'm like I don't give a fuck just give me the I swear to God I'd rather be comfortable and I don't and I don't care I really don't anymore

don't fucking care but it's also funny to me that person of size acronym is POS and it's like piece of shit it's like thanks to me that person of size acronym is pos and it's like piece of shit he's like thanks guys got it got the note got it yeah yeah if you think that's a mistake you are wrong thank you so much zoom zoom delta um also i don't understand why the seatbelt buckles are they differ in length. Some will fit and some do not. And when you ask for a seatbelt extender, it is like a drug deal is happening.

I know. It's literally like you just tried to steal someone's baby. You know what I mean? You're like, can I get a seatbelt? And even if I go, may I have a seatbelt extender? They're always like, yes, okay, don't worry about it. It's in the overhead. I will serve it, drink it, and I will a seatbelt extender? They're always like, don't worry about it. It's in the overhead. It's like,

serve a drink and I will come back to you with it. I will tell you. And I'm going to say a code word and then I'm going to pay. They camouflage it in a newspaper and they hand it to me. It's just the whole thing. But it's true.

There are definitely some airlines that you're okay and some cheaper airlines you're not. Like you're just, I'm sorry. I don't do JetBlue. I don't do southwest because i know no i know yeah i'm a delta person i mean i know we no one's perfect i'm also a delta diva um as a fat woman yeah did you find it hard to date yes i found it hard to date but i also found found it hard to date, but I also found it. Okay. So the, the, the couple of years pre meeting my partner is, um, it was a lot of like, uh, it felt very, uh, um, what is the word? Like quirky, not quirky, like kinky, that sort of a fetishy type, you know?

So it was really like, I knew that was like, Oh no, no, no one wants to get to know me at all. Cause there are definitely dudes like everyone knows this is not a surprise. There are definitely dudes that are into big women, but they're into them for, you know, for a real sort of, it doesn't, it's, to me, it's not flattering. I don't actually find it flattering. It feels like you're checking something off a list and I'm not interested. Like I had one dude that wanted, I had a, I had a feeder who wanted to feed me.

I know. And he, that was, he was super into it. And I, and I got to tell you, like, he was hot. He was ripped and lean and like, was surfer I'm like serious and he wanted like he had asked me if if I would gain weight with him yeah and I was like look at dude I I can gain weight no problem but it's the taking it off again that I have trouble but he yeah he was he was obsessed. Like, he wanted that. So I've never really encountered a feeder. Did he explain what the end goal would be? Yeah, that's what, because I was,

I kind of did try to say, like, can you tell me why you want this? I think it was because, like, in the way he, because we never met in real life. We was all just texting. But yeah, and he had said like to him, it was I think it's because he might've been a bigger person when he like might've been a fat kid, you know, he might've been. And I think it was like that because he was super like super fit now,

but he was also very much about fitness. Like he was, he was super into it. You know, that was a lot of his posts and stuff. And I was like, okay. So I think there was that sort of thing that he'd even said, I want to feed you, but I can also help you take it off again. I was like, okay, I'm not looking for a trainer. I don't know what's going on here, but he really wanted to, like, it was, and I remember him saying like the specific things he wanted me to eat. So I was like, oh, this is about you. Yeah, you had to eat specific things. Yeah, like this is about you. This isn't about me.

You know what I mean? Like it was like cake and it was going to be like, also give me, don't get me wrong, it sounded fun, cake and pasta and stuff. And I was like, hello. But I think it was about him,

to be honest. Like it really was. Yeah, he just wanted to experience that. He gets, huh, this is interesting. I guess he gets pleasure in feeding you and watching you get bigger yes without having to do it himself yeah but then will help you lose weight so i guess to like maintain some sort of like health i guess because that's what his big thing was like i i don't want to do anything that would damage you or what i'm like oh okay but yeah so honestly i actually might be i swear to god it was it was

it was it was intriguing it was intriguing like it really was i'll send you a snapshot wait will you really i'm gonna check it i'm like really right now i'm like honestly really? Right now? I'm like, honestly, I would do that. Like, yeah, you know, I would gain max 10 pounds and then be like, OK, now we have to take off that 10 pounds. Let's do it. You know, and I'm sure a doctor would be like, you're killing yourself. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm getting fucked and I get cake. I mean, it does sound kind of perfect, really, when you think about it. Anyway, but also, okay, just like to the fetish stuff. I did feel like that. And there was, I didn't want that anymore. Like, there was that kind of feeling of like, I, you know, there was, I will say at the beginning of sort of breaking the seal, as you said, love that. Breaking the seal of the celibacy.

There was that. It was like, I don't care. If you're into it, let's do this. You know what I mean? Like, it was just like, great. Okay. But then he, then it starts to, it started to wear on me really quickly and I was like, oh, this is no, thank you. And then, so, you know, fast forward to meeting Filippo.

He is, he's a very, he's, he's interesting. He's, when I said bisexual, he's pansexual technically. it means nothing damn he really is very much what is it called oh I think it's called sapiosexual when they're very it's more about your mind it just because I to me I find him very attractive he's you know he's tall he's slim um and and there is that moment I'm like what what's going on right now but it's just he he has a tendency he's always sort of going on right now? But it's just, he has a tendency. He's always sort of liked bigger people. That's always, it's never been.

He just, he doesn't find skinny attractive. But he likes all types of bodies. But all I know is that skinny is never, never appeals to him. So it's any size. It doesn't really bother him. It's not even bothering him. It's just, I know that's what, like, I don, it's any, it's any size. It doesn't, it doesn't really bother him. It's not even bothering him. It's just, I know that's what, like, I don't know how to say it. It's like, I know that's not really what he's looking for.

This is going to super cringy what I'm going to say right now, but it's like, I've never in my life experienced that. Like, I just know he just loves me, just me, just loves Deborah. And that is, you know, it makes me want to cry but it's also I've just I've done experienced it before so it's really not about it's really not about and you know in in this okay so when I met him in 2020 I was um a certain weight and then you know as the as the uh pandemic went on and also I think when I met him I did have a bit of a freak out because I was like I don't know how to be loved. I don't know how to love. How do I do this? So I had a bit of a freak out. So I did, um, between meeting him and since that, and the next time I saw him,

I gained weight and I, you know, I mean, I've been fat for a long time, but, um, you know, there's the fat that I was, and then you add more on top of it. So I'm, I'm, and it's still, I'm, I'm still very uncomfortable right now. I just, I don't feel the best I have, you know, there's the fat that I was, and then you add more on top of it. So I'm, I'm, and it's still, I'm, I'm still very uncomfortable right now. I just, I don't feel the best I have, you know, I, and it just, it wasn't even like, I was so scared to see him again. And that like, you know, I've gotten fatter and it's just, it's just, it's not an issue. It's not an issue. Like, it's just not like his, he's like, would you still love me if I gained weight? And I'm like, of course. And he's like, and, and I'm like, but I'm already fat and now I'm fatter.

And he's like, don't care. And it's just, but he's also very, he's also very, he's a real ally in the body neutrality movement. He's very big on that. Like he's very, like he stands up for me in a way that I wasn't able to do for myself. I'm going to get emotional that I wasn't able to do for myself at the beginning. Like if we are going somewhere,

he checks the chairs. If we're going somewhere, just go in and see what the chairs are like in a restaurant, in a coffee shop. And he is the first one to go and say, I'm going to need a different chair. Like he just does. Like he just,

he's just really sweet. I know. Very, very kind. It is. Yeah. I feel like some people listening will be like, well, just lose weight if you don't want someone doing that. But it's like, I don't mind. That's like, that's really kind. It is kind because it's like, you know what? And the thing is, again, like if I was to lose weight, that would also be fine. It's not like if I lost weight and I got became much smaller, he'd be like, no, thank you. But he knows right now what I need right now in this moment, what I need right now is a chair with no arms. That's what he knows right now. Will I need a chair with no arms in seven months, two years? Who knows? But right now I need it. See, I think when people

are listening that wanted to lose weight, you are aware that we still have to live, right? Like on the way to losing weight, if that is my choice, I still have to live. I'm still going to go to restaurants and I still want to be comfortable. Exactly. Like I don't have to suffer every minute of my life on the way to losing weight. That's a big thing that people do forget. You still have to live in the body that you're in right now. So he right now goes, I know this is what Debra needs. And he just makes sure that I have it in a way that is just very kind and very, he's very conscientious. And it's a real gift, to say the least so i love that i dated a

somebody for a little bit who would also check the chair situation for me and would always ask for a booth with a chair on the side yes yeah you would take the chair and i could have the booth so i could spread that fat ass out and i always always thought it was like really, really kind. And it was thoughtful in a way that I didn't think anyone would ever be thoughtful. And it is someone standing up for you in maybe an area that made me feel shy. You know, I would, and now I'm much better with it now. I walk into places and go I'm gonna need this chair and I there's I don't have I've let the shame of it go because two years ago I was probably more ashamed of it and now I'm just like you know this is what I need right now so that's

it I do ask for a seatbelt extender I do that now because I don't care I'm gonna I'm not gonna I'm not going to hurt myself just to remain what? Quiet, invisible, easy or whatever it is. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah, I think we do spend a lot of time hurting ourselves, trying to protect ourselves, where it's like just ask for what you want, ask for what you need and it's okay you're not the only fat person in the world exactly and i'm so glad that you found someone that's like

who loves all of you because that's literally what i'm searching for outside of my current boyfriend that may or may not be real um i but yes yes yeah just someone who fully and utterly is like i i don't your body is just what you're in exactly you exactly i'm attracted to all of it if you were smaller it doesn't matter if you were fatter it doesn't matter exactly if you turned into a penguin i'm still here i'll help you find the cold. But that, you know, I mean, it really is. And it's really, it's really freeing because, you know, that, that whole thing of like losing your looks or whatever, when it's not an issue at the beginning, there's nothing to lose, you know?

And I remember, we all have to remember to your partner, think about this. It's like, I know people right now, like I literally have a story right now of friends of friends where she's going through cancer and he left. Do you know what I mean? It's like, so remember, so remember, that is a thing. It's an actual thing. Men leave women when they get sick. And they go, I don't know what to do with it. I can't. And they go, because then it's like, oh, she's not going to be able to take care of me. So remember, everybody, it's like, you know, the in sickness and in health thing, like the person that you're with. We're not all guaranteed that our bodies are going to be as is for the rest of our lives. You know what I mean? People get sick. People lose limbs.

Things happen to people. And and wouldn't it be awful if your partner was like, yeah, I'm out. I mean, it's just for that reason. I'm out. For these reasons. Yes. Okay, cool. This has gotten more dramatic than I wanted it to, but whatever. No, I think it's interesting. Because when I speak to like my thin friends about relationships and wanting to be in one, I'm like, I have a, like,

so it's harder for, it's just inherently harder because people have biases. People don't want to be seen with a fatty and people are scared of it. And it's because it's the fear of, it's the fear of gaining weight themselves. We've been told that gaining weight is literally the most evil and like low brow, low class,

like everything about it is bad. So the way people talk about it, it's, it's, it's, it's scary. I know it scares, scares people. So yeah. So we're dating is a, is a little extra for the extra folks. It really is. Yeah. And it's just like, and I worry like on dating apps i have like very clear pictures that depict me as a fat person but i'm like what if they think i'm fatter than the picture and like that's not okay yeah yeah i'm like jesus christ this fucking suck and then in my early 20s i worked in restaurants and stuff i would meet boys who worked in the restaurant with me who would then like flirt with me and then be like there was one he called me nicky and he'd be like nicky you would be like perfect if you were just like do you then he like he didn't say the words but he was like do

you work out he like stopped it was like do you work out and i was like i do work out and he was like you should keep up with that and then would check in on me yeah and I was like is he waiting for me to get thin before he like try something what a loss his huge loss like just ridiculous loss that's such a shame it's such a shame you know remember again I'm quoting all these old things but you remember Pulp Fiction god that line just came to me that it's Bruce Willis's girlfriend in it and in it she's talking about wanting a pot belly and she says you that it's Bruce Willis's girlfriend in it. And in it, she's talking about wanting a pot belly and she says, you know, it's a shame that what we like to touch and what we like to look at are different. Do you know what I mean? It's like, what feels so good to touch, you know, they're, Oh, I don't like the look of it. And it's, and it's, and it's true. You know, it really is true.

It's like so many men, my, my, my test is this hug, hug a man. And you listen to the noise they make when you hug them. I'm telling you, I hug a straight man and there's always a moment where they go, and you're like, yes. And it's not pain. It's not pain. It's, one of the things that I remember Filippo telling me that I was like, oh yeah, this is going to work out. We're talking about what are your favorite foods and whatever. He had said, first of all, he had said to me at the time about pasta and I said, oh, I don't eat pasta. And the look on his face, he was just like,

I'm sorry, what? He was like, today, you haven't had pasta today? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. He couldn't, like, he was almost like, you haven't had pasta today. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. He couldn't like, it was almost like, I, I, he couldn't understand he's Italian. I, he doesn't, I mean, he literally could eat pasta every day. And sometimes we do. And now I eat pasta all the time and I don't give a shit. Um, but I remember him telling me like the foods he was like, I love soft things. And I was like, Oh, we are going to work out. I love soft things.

And I was like, we are going to work out just fine. He was like squishy bread. Like he loves like burrata. He loves soft stuff. And I was like, oh yeah, we're going to be, we're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. Yeah. I love this for you.

Yay. Yay. Thank you. Okay. Real quick. We got to take a break. What did you do before comedy? I don't even know this about you.

Not much, to be honest. No, honestly. I mean, did we all? Not much. No, because I was like, I knew I wanted to do it when I was a young, like young, early 20s, like 2021.

I was like, when I moved out of my hometown, I moved to Toronto and, you twenties, like 2021. I was like, when I moved out of my, my hometown, I moved to Toronto and, you know, started meeting people outside of my twin sister. And, you know, that's when everyone was like, you're funny. And I was like, and so that little, it started that little, like, can I be funny? Started to percolate, but I ignored it. And I, I went to, I wanted to be, well, I thought, I wanted to be a fashion illustrator. I went to art school. Yes, I went to art school. Oh, okay.

I'm an artist. So I wanted that for a long time. And then I knew immediately that I didn't. I was probably in school for like six months. And I was like, oh, I made a huge mistake. But yeah, but actually it was school though. It was college for me that led me to stand up. college for me that led me to stand up because in my art course, I remember one of the courses we had to take was oral communication for the artist, you know, insert jokes here, but it was, yeah,

I was like, okay. And it was literally a class where we did speeches. Like the professor gave us a topic and was like, talk about this for two minutes. And I remember people like not being able to do it to a level. Nicole, they cried, people, grownups in this class. I was like, what's happening? And I remember going up two minutes and he gave me, and I was like, let's do it. And like, like, I remember like never doing standup before 20 years old, crushing it and people laughing. My teacher coming up to me and going, that was amazing. Okay. And he actually said to me after he was like, you're in the wrong program. You should be entertaining people.

And I had two different professors in my art school say that to me. And it was always like, I only ever passed classes where there was a presentation. Where I was like, well, I'm going to be able to talk. And then I did. And I had sort of about at the age of 22, I had these two instructors come to me and say, you should really be performing. Have you ever thought of performing? And I was like, and then I ignored it. And then I quit.

I got jobs as receptionists. And then I, yeah, so I probably started thinking about it at 20 and I didn't get on stage until I was about, I was almost 27. Oh, wow. It took a while. I know, I know. It took me about 26, like 26 and a half, but it did. I was, it was, but it was, so I went to art school

and I answered the phone for years and that was it. That was it. Your little notebook that you always have. Is your set written on it or is it just a prop that you have? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I swear to God it is because I've always had a very bad memory. And then, you know, I was at the pothead for so long and I just, my memory is so bad. And so I always had that kind of fear of like forgetting what I want to talk about. That was more to me than standing on stage with a book. So I was like, okay. And then it just started to become a part, like my favorite.

It's always like, oh, this is not my joke, but it's my, it's my grocery list, you know, stupid thing. And it just became a part of it. And then I just really started to enjoy doing it. And, you know, I only started doing that when I moved to L.A. Like that only happened when I moved to L.A. It's so funny because it's the tiniest little book that you never look at and you just kind of shake it around. It's like I'm conducting with it.

Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I swear to God. And it's just a little wee book. It's just, I don't know. It's become my fly swatter of jokes or something. I don't know what it is. It really makes me laugh so hard. It's funny because I only started that in LA.

Like that was, because we're moving from Toronto to LA. There was a freedom that I was like, I'm going to be whoever I want now. So my comedy, I think my comedy really changed. And, you know, I moved in like my year 14 of comedy. So I was already a comic, you know what I mean? Like a headlining and so it changed like i'm definitely dirtier and i'm definitely a little more honest now

so that's what la does that's what la does see everybody come to la get dirty god i love it it's so funny are you performing in person i am you know tonight actually this is a month ago now so it's my first non-zoom show oh congratulations i know since like the summer yeah you weren't doing any of the outdoor shows i was but then i got i got sick i got covid and it i had a yeah i had it a couple did you get it did you ever have it i've had it twice i think I've had it three times because I got it at the, I'm one of those who's like, I got it at the end of 2019 and it was bad. It was like I had this really bad illness. I know that.

I think that a lot of people did have that though because I remember up front, my Zach Noe Towers was super sick the end of 2019. We're like, we can say that was COVID. He was so ill. So yeah, I but that it was like, yeah, so it was like 2021 and then when it started doing live stuff and then I sort of like So, yeah, I, but then it was like, yeah, so it was like 2021. And then when it started doing live stuff and then I sort of like, I don't know, I will say the pandemic spooked me more than, I don't want to use that word.

That's a terrible word, but it scared me more than, than I thought it was going to, you know, but I will say this though, in my defense, you know, they really, they really told us that fat people were going to die. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, so all of my friends are like, I don't want to get sick, but like everyone, doctors, everywhere you went was like, and if you're fat, you will die. So like, there was really a lot of me going, I don't want to. So I really did. I have to say, like I did some outdoor stuff, but then like I remember going to one outdoor show and everyone was hugging me. I was like, stop it. And I kind of got a little scared.

So then I just, oh, you know what I mean? Yeah, I was right there with you. Like 2020 into 2021, I was like, I don't want it because I feel like a doctor will look at me and be like, you can't breathe because your fat is clogging your lungs. I mean, that's it. I was like, I'm not, there's not going to be a respirator. And they'd be like, well, it's your own fault. I was like, that's not happening. I'm not letting that happen. So I will say there was a real, there was a big stretch of like complete isolation. Like it was just, just me only seeing my friend Zach and that was it.

And I, and that, that, you know, I was doing Zoom shows. But yeah. And so then probably since like the fall, to be honest, oh my God. And so like now it's weird. Cause I'm like, I'm so, I'm so happy. I've missed it so much. And I'm bored, which is I hate, you know, I don't I don't get bored often. But like that was like, OK, this is too bored, too bored. So I know. So we're back. So it's nice. And it's my love.

You know what I mean? It's it's I I'm nervous and stuff, but it's like it'll be I'll be thrilled after it's done. I can't wait to see you live again. Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Debra, we've come to the end. This is it. I ask all of my guests this mostly.

So Debra, would you date me? Oh my gosh, yes. In a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. Yay! Like date seriously. With like, with like ulterior motives. You know what I mean? I'm taking this girl down the aisle. This is happening. I'm going to lock this up. I love that. Okay. Is there anything you want to promote?

I will, you know what? I'm going to be touring in Canada again, and it's been since the pandemic truly. So I'm so happy. And that is starting at the end of this month. Um, and then I'm going to be touring in Canada again and it's been since the pandemic truly so I'm so happy and that is starting at the end of this month um and then I'm joining the Snowdin comedy tour again in March for Ontario and again I haven't I haven't performed in Toronto I'm going to say six or seven years so I'll be in Toronto on April 1st and it's just yeah I'm so I'm going to do like a nice stretch through canada from february until um the end of may so that'll all be on a website and stuff and instagram what is your website deborah dg.com okay honestly if you are in canada yeah go see deborah because she makes me laugh truly like no other and it's like non-stop you're like gonna be tired yeah after

watching her yeah so come out it's fun i'm so excited that you're going back out thank you so much for doing this this was so fun i appreciate it so much okay well guess what if you liked this episode of why won't you date me you could like it you could rate it you could subscribe and give me five stars on Apple podcasts. And if you want to hit on me with something filthy, nasty, dirty, you can write those filthy,

nasty, dirty words down and send it to why won't you date me? Podcast at gmail.com. My producer Mars, the wonderful Mars goes through it. And I swear to God, if you send her a dick pic, I will probably do nothing because like,

how do you, how do I track you down? To be an email, but I'm just asking just asking please don't she doesn't want them okay this says hi nicole you me to howlin ray's chicken sandwiches with no i love howlin rays with no pickles yes i hate them then we go home to digest while watching sonic one and two we go out on the town this is a long date and take home the man of your dreams aka a long girthy uncircumcised dick yum i take clyde on a nice walk while you have mind-blowing sex uh turns out he's a hopeless romantic and asked for your hand in marriage on a plane wow thank you that's delightful i love that you want that for me. Okay. Bye-bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Sol-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream.

Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.