Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Chased by the KKK (w/ Brandon Kyle Goodman)

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

Actor and writer Brandon Kyle Goodman (Netflix's Big Mouth, Human Resources) chats with Nicole about the time he was chased by the KKK, the struggles of doing a long distance relationship, and the adorable first date story with his husband, and saving money by getting married at the courthouse. Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come into a mold for ice cubes

and then put them in my drink and say, don't you like salty water? My guest today is an actor, a writer. You know him from the smash hit series on Netflix called A Big Mouth and Human Resources. They have a new self-help book. Hey, you gotta be you. I have it in my hand. It's available September 27th.

So I got an early topper. You better believe I've got Brandon Kyle Goodman. Hey, go, go, go. Hello. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing?

I'm good. What a treat. Your book cover is so fucking fun. Thank you. My favorite cover of leather or pleather skirt, whatever. Dealer's choice. Very cute. Big old hat.

I love it. Yes. Just queer and black. Yeah. Thank you. And I do think more queer black people need more visibility, which is funny. Talk about it. Because we're very visible. We're very visible. You know what I mean? We're in everything it because we're very visible we're very visible you know

what i mean we're in everything but we're not there it's wild and like fat black women need more visibility which is fully ironic because we the biggest bitches out there we need to give y'all some more value some more work some more. Yes, give me that money. Coins, coins, coins. And I was campaigning for an Emmy. My whole campaign said, give me an Emmy. She did not win because it would be homophobic if RuPaul didn't win. And I say that with love.

Because I love RuPaul. Thankful that I'm allowed to be part of the show. Listen, that's a good person to lose to. Oh, it's my favorite. We lost our NAACP award to the Obamas. So I was like, bet. To the Obamas? To the Obamas.

Just the Obamas. Barack Obama was nominated for an Emmy this year. And when I heard his name being said, I said out loud, and I didn't even realize I said it. I said, he has enough he was president like what he's good y'all want to give him more he's great and now we're gonna give him entertainment awards no no no no no he doesn't need those he's fine he's set although i did see a video you know he was nominated i feel like it's just like amongst the many accolades it's just kind of like at that point you're like maybe i don't know he was probably like what an emmy not another new bell peace prize that was a terrible obama impression

i'll own it it was bad although okay i love our first black president but i did see a video recently that resurfaced because alabama right now jackson alabama is having a water crisis yes nobody's really fucking talking about it because it's a black community but these people can't fucking bathe brush their teeth they have to get bottled water and then flint still doesn't have fucking water still it's been fucking years and there's a video of obama going to flint and pretending to drink the water and oh no i don't i don't know how real it is but i saw it on like several different things but you know how things get like skewed and whatnot and i'm just like why isn't environmental crisis when they happen to black people important. If it happened to Beverly Hills,

if Beverly Hills had brown fucking drinking water, they'd be like, what? That should be cleaned in a minute. That's the thing I always say about New York. Whenever it snows, I used to live in Harlem 145th and Broadway. Yes, I lived at 146th and Broadway. Shut up. We were neighbors

for a little bit. Yes. Do you remember that McDonald's right on 146 Street? Yes. It's a yes at the corner. Yes. They called it the T word McDonald's. Not me. The girl, the working girls. Oh, okay. The sex workers who would frequent there. So I would get there super, super like

late at like 3, 4 a.m. when they were switching menus. So sometimes I'd be like, can I have a chicken nugget as an appetizer? And then I'd give me my my pancakes and all the girls thought i was very funny i love that vibe also chicken nuggets and pancakes uh that sounds like the best um it's like it's kind of like fried chicken and waffles but like a mcdonald's version of it i forget why i was telling you i was up there oh when they when it snows um And I would work on the upper west side Snow was gone

It was like it didn't snow on the streets But if you went uptown Baby we were in an avalanche And I think that is the same thing Wherever black and brown people exist There is not the same priority or quickness Or you know Investment in our safety

It is fully wild. Yeah, the fervor's not there for us. Sometimes I'm like, why don't we band together and figure it out? But then it's like, why are we paying taxes? Why do I pay taxes if I have to fucking figure shit out? I know. We dodging a lot. We trying to stay

alive. We trying to survive. We trying to get ahead. And we got to worry about plowing these streets. And our water, like, come on. I'm tired. Tired. Where did you work on the Upper West Side? I used to be a spin and bar instructor at a company called Flywheel Sports.

It was kind of like the, it was a competitor at one point to SoulCycle. And so I used to teach on the Upper West Side. I used to teach on all the white places on the Upper East Side. Chelsea used to teach on all the white places up on the East Side. Chelsea, with all the fancy white ladies. And a couple fancy white men. Hello, fancy white men.

I've always been very intimidated of classes like that. I just get intimidated by classes in general because people claim that they're inclusive. Yes, be a fatty. They love it. They want to a fatty they love it they want to help you they don't want to help you they want to giggle at you they want to tell you you're doing shit wrong it's mean i there and you know there are clients who love the mean energy and i never

understood that like people like i love a mean instructor i'm like that is not my vibe babe like i'm here i want to be praised i I want a red carpet. I want cold water that has infused cucumbers in it. Take care of me, babe. Yes, give me that spa water. The spa water I need. Yeah, no, I can't do that. That means shit. So wait, do you live in LA now?

I do. Seven years next week. We're recording this early, but September 15th is my seven year anniversary. That's crazy. I love that. My anniversary is October something. I'd have to go back in my calendar to see what the actual date was. But I did not want to leave New York.

At all. Are you from New York? Well, I grew up in Jersey. Okay, so you didn't. Yeah. Throughout high school, I would just go to the city. Always. Hang out in the city all the time.

And then I was like, well, obviously I have to live there. And every time I go back, I go, oh go oh lord it's hard it's hard and you know i always say like even when i go back for work when you go back for work it's so cush because they treat actors and talent like you know gods you're in a beautiful hotel of your choosing honey they flew you first class on a flatbed. Yes, the per diem. They're picking you up in a nice car. Absolutely. The man says it's the air to your liking. There's water and snacks in the back. And I say, don't mind if I do.

My purse is thirsty. Take all that shit. Take all of that. I'm taking all this. But it's still difficult. And I'm like, I can't do it. It's still difficult. It's tough.

Yeah. Did that sound crazy? Did that just sound so privileged yeah but i'm here for black luxury okay black people being soft and having nice things and being bougie fuck it here we are yeah i like i'll talk about bougie shit because the world loves to knock me down pegs all all the time i was going for a voiceover recording this is maybe last week and i said the name of the production let me see if i could figure out a different name for it it was like it was like climb climb time and i was like i'm here for climb time and they were like i, I don't know what? No, I think you belong upstairs for fine time. And I was like, no, no, I'm saying climb time. And he's like, I don't know.

Who's your contact? Call them. You don't belong here. And he kept saying the words, you don't belong here. And that is triggering because it's happened before. And what they're implying is you, black person, don't belong at this production yes and i know some listeners who are of the light to persuaser and like you're reading too much into it i'm like

no no no because people change after someone else goes no no nicole is the lead of this she's on the production then that man was like oh no i thought you said something that rhymed with what i said and i said i just looked at him and i said oh okay he's like right this way and then he was like are you having a good day and i said no because when you realized you were wrong you could have said sorry or anything to acknowledge that i am a human being that you were just being rude to and that old white man just blinked at me and then when i was leaving tried to say goodbye again and i said no i don't fuck with you no and then continue talking to the engineer because i was like no if you can't be nice or just all you

had to say was my god i am so sorry that you said something that rhymed with the production here and that i thought it rhymed with and you know that's bullshit yes you know you were like climb time period time not fine time what's what fine time is happening upstairs sir i hate you i hate that man i hate him for you and i hate him with you. Thank you. Absolutely. If you send me a picture and I see him, we could jump him. Oh my God, thank you.

I would love that. He would go down hard. But today I was in Stygia City because I had to do another voiceover. And I was like, I never eat breakfast. I think I'm going to have a smoothie. Do you have smoothies? I do. Oh, over there. You were asking if that's funny. Have you ever had a smoothie?'m gonna have a smoothie do you have smoothies i do oh over there you're asking if it's funny have you ever had a smoothie have you had a smoothie what's your favorite smoothie do you remember jamba juice that used to be my jam that okay i was looking for a jamba

juice and then i was looking for a planet smoothie and i was like i guess the smoothie game has changed it's changed a lot you got to go to like the like vegan i think it's like the vegan spots like the earth bars and things now make yeah i went to a place called what a peach which is around the corner from like this gym so like i ordered my stuff and then these very like buff people came out and this one man was like i know you from instagram he's like yeah you should follow uh i got like some really great stuff on there good content and i was like i hate the world we live in i was like give me my chocolate peanut butter smoothie which probably isn't healthy babe i just want my smoothie i'm looking for good content

not here for the content okay we talked about me for 11 minutes. I love that you have time. I want to talk about you. What do you want to know about? Wait, you're young. I'm young? Yes. You graduated from Tisch in 2009.

Yes. Thank you for calling me young because they really do be calling me old. My husband calls me old a lot. He's 33. That's rude i'm 35 oh wait how did i think you were younger than that no no no no no because my skin because of botox i don't know 2009 seemed like such a long time ago it does but it and it is no such a short time ago in my brain short time no it's really long because we're in 2023, 2009. I don't do math well, but it's a long time ago.

What was Tisch like? White and chaotic and also fun and exciting because, you know, you're like literally in the middle of new york city and uh you know if you're queer you know it can be a wonderful space if you're poc and queer it can be an adjustment still but it was it was great you know like your your campus is the low like is the village is the greenwich village west village and so it's just not i don't think it's a typical college experience i went to boarding high school, which was probably closer to a college experience as we had like one main campus. You went to boarding high school? Yes.

Boarding high school in Rome, Georgia. In Rome? You want to hear something crazy? You want to hear something really fucked up? What? My freshman year of high school in Rome, Georgia, at Darlington School. Oh, Georgia.

There were three new history teachers that were there my first year. It was Mrs. Higgins. It was Mr. Hitch. And it was Mr. DeSantis. Yes, that DeSantis in Florida. Ron DeSantis was your teacher? He was not my teacher.

He was, I think, in the house above me. But he was one of the history teachers because he was like the sophomore year history teacher. But I used to cross by him him and it was always bad vibes and then when i like made the connection recently that it was the same person i was like oh that that tracks that's why i always had bad vibes with him interesting he probably was one of those people that was like the civil war was about states rights not slavery probably i'm grateful i wasn't in his class but yes uh now i'm wondering what kind of history he taught you're absolutely right what it was fucking tragic nightmare fucking nightmare um but yeah it's rome georgia so i went to school it was like an hour outside

of atlanta about 10 minutes from alabama like the border one time got chased by the kkk was good times no no no wait was it like were they in full geish like were they in no it was scarier than that honestly in some ways it was so okay so my best friend at the time uh we're still close but uh was a white woman um i'm a black person uh and her family moved to this lake house in Alabama, which wasn't too far from the school because, like I said, by the border. So one day we were in Rome. One evening we went into Rome to watch a movie, The Da Vinci Code. So I'm like really

dating ourselves. We watched The Da Vinci Code. We're on our way back to Alabama. And we have the choices of doing the front roads or the back roads. Now, in Alabama, in this part, it's the same except the front roads you have to stop at sublights. The back roads you don't. So we're like, alright, bet. Take the back roads. So we or the back roads. Now, in Alabama, in this part, it's the same, except the front roads, you have to stop at stoplights. The back roads, you don't. So we're like, all right, bet, take the back roads.

So we take the back roads, we got the brights, we're driving to the back roads, and there we come up behind a pickup truck, red pickup truck, going kind of slow. And then my friend goes, oh shit, my brights are on, because then they turn into like a garage, like a little parking garage. As they turn, and I kid you not,

it's like time slowed down. Her brights hit the bumper stickers and it was two Klansmen on each side of the bumper. And she was like, is that the? And I was like, uh-huh. And she steps on the gas and keeps going. Suddenly they pull out of that garage and now they're behind us. And this very slow pickup truck is going very fucking fast on our ass. We are trying to call the police. We're trying on our ass. We are trying to call the police, trying to call mom, trying to call dad.

Can't get in touch at all. Wait, did you freeze? No. Oh. I'm raptured with this story. Your face did not move. I was like, oh, wait, did it freeze? Did we get out?

No, I'm praying for your safety. And I know you turned out okay. We turned out okay. We worked out. Yes, we like, it was like no service. Couldn't get a hold of her dad. Couldn't get a hold of her mom. She was like, all right, I'm gonna make this right turn on the way to the house.

If they follow, we just have to keep going till the gas runs out because I just can't take them to our house. I was like, we call the police. She was like's like no we can't call the police because the chief is probably the head of the fucking kkk and it's like oh fair good call good call so here we go up to this turn she makes a sharp right and they keep going straight so they don't follow us 10 minutes later we get to our house we finally get a hold of her mom we like run into the house and tell her mom what happened and her mom literally goes, Oh,

well they were probably just trying to scare you. And I was like, that is the wildest thing I've ever fucking heard. It was crazy. They were probably just trying to, yeah. And then maybe fucking string you up like what the fuck people you know i love my white friends we love our friends they're nice they're kind but sometimes

they have no idea what we're like fear is like that's just scary it's fucking scary when someone throws n-word at you out the window of a car or like someone with an american flag hat and an american flag starts coming at you a way that you're like i don't know if this is gonna end good i don't know if it's gonna end well i mean i say this all the time like even just like hearing a police siren even though i know it's not coming like when you're driving and you hear a police siren or you just see a police car, my body immediately tenses up in a way that like I know it doesn't tense up for my white friends. Like I know I'm driving well. I know I got everything together.

But I'm immediately like, where's my insurance card? If they stop me, do I go on Instagram live? Like how do I feel? Like all these things immediately go through my head that I know that my white friends do not. Here's a wild thing. So like a lot of that always goes through my head. I never have my insurance card with me. Terrible.

I never put the stickers where you're supposed to on the back of your car. I'm like begging to be pulled over at all times. You're begging. Also, I'm unhinged. I say whatever's on my mind but the only saving grace is if a cop shoots me they're shooting america's sweetheart amongst children and what a conversation parents are gonna have to have with their kids racist police officers gun down your favorite cake lady you're like we have to talk about it and we gotta talk about why i think why it happened

sure she wasn't doing anything legal she didn't have any of the things that she needed she mouthed off a little bit but they could have just taken her in a lot so that's honestly yeah how i live my life which could be bad i need you to print your insurance card out and put it in your glove compartment. That's your job today. Well, one, you know, okay, that's a good job, but one would have to find it. That is

the thing. I'd have to find it first. That's very hard. I know I'm paid up on everything. Like, I know I just paid my registration. My insurance called and they were like, hey, bitch, you need to re-up. I said, thank you. Thanks so much for the courtesy call.

Yeah, I'm like good to drive. I just don't have the documentation to tell me I'm good to drive. But you know what? How come in their fucking computer system you can't pop in my name and it says paid up? Period. Same with like the IRS.

Like, why do I have to do these taxes? Y'all just send me the invoice. Like, going on let me tell you something they know they already know how much i've made because if i fuck up y'all know you know why do i have to do anything anything just send me the invoice mama drop it text it my god I had a friend tell me this story about how the IRS called him. And he was like talking about how much money he owed. And I was like, why are you lying to me? The IRS never calls. They only send you letters.

And I just got a letter from the IRS saying nobody's calling. If they're calling, don't answer. No. It's very, very. It's always an MLM. You miss it How often do you check your mailbox? Every single day

I love getting the mail Oh good for you I never check it Well here's the thing The lock is broken on my mailbox I cannot leave things in there for too long Fair Because who knows who's going to rummage through it

Fair Again another thing I could simply fix But why? I truly just don't have the time it's fun to live on the edge i like it um your mother she's from trinidad and tobago yes but trinidad yes what do they speak in trinidad um english but patois it's like a there's a patois so like jamaica the caribbean in general there's there's a patois but it's english have you been um i haven't been since i was a child honestly like maybe like nine or ten was the last time i was there i want to go so bad and your mother is an actress my mother yes was an actress now she's a born-again christian and she loves

jesus yes queen you find jesus and you can't say some of the shit people right My mother, yes, was an actress. Now she's a born-again Christian, and she loves Jesus. Yes, queen. You find Jesus, and you can't say some of this shit, people, right? Period. Period. When you find Jesus, you can't be on all these HBO shows, baby. They do a nasty stuff. You want me to show a titty?

And not for Jesus? Not for Jesus. What was it like growing up with a mother who was an actor um it was fun and wild and now that i'm in the industry i have a lot of respect uh for what it was to be an actor to be black to be a woman and to have a child like that is crazy that she was able to really sustain a career and send me to private school and keep up all the things that come with having a child, a little more than being an adult, in an industry that wasn't talking about black is beautiful. And she had natural hair, long locks,

where there wasn't an appreciation for her dark skin, for her being an immigrant. There just wasn't the same visibility and conversations that are happening now. And even now we're so behind. So imagine the 90s, the 80s. It's just crazy. It is crazy to think about.

I constantly think about living single and how everyone but kim fields i think had like natural hair like i think queen latifah was just wearing like a flat iron like yeah you know uh press out or whatever maxine waters that's not her real name but maxine yes eric alexander no maxine Waters is in the government sorry Maxine Shaw Maxine Shaw attorney at law my god and I went along with him

I was like yes Maxine Waters on Living Single yes I remember she was a dark scale woman with dreads and I feel like I didn't see that often but you saw it with like Whoopi Goldberg and then I don't know I feel like the representation of that Has gone away a lot

Yeah Like you don't see it a lot Like Lupita Nyong I don't know if I say her last name right To her credit I feel like I have never seen her In like a straight weave I think she only really does natural styles

And I love that Yeah I love seeing Mama Obama In her braids At the unveiling of the portrait last night, yesterday. Oh, I didn't see that. Yes, she was wearing her beautiful braids as they unveiled her portrait, which was just so wonderful and powerful, you know, to see that representation there. I gotta see it. Gotta look for it.

And I think Viola Davis does it too. And Cynthia Erivo always rocking the natural shortcut. So I feel like it's out there a little more, which is really nice and I think important. It is nice. And I do love it. And it's so wild to me that if you Google office hairstyles, you won't see a black woman's hair. And then there are some laws in some states where it's like you won't see like a black woman's hair. And then like,

there are some laws in some States where it's like, you can't have dreads and work. Like it's, it's wild. Yeah. That crown act is important. I mean, you can't go to school.

Some of these, you know, kids are getting kicked out of school or suspended for their box rates or whatever. You're like, what? Why? It is so wild.

How poorly, I mean, people listening to this podcast are like oh great cheap black people just complaining about how black people are treated but guess what like get into it it's giving did you see that fucking a video on twitter of um i think it was zoe at sesame street being mean to the two little black girls. Did you see that? Yes. And then recently at Disney World, the happiest fucking place on earth, Rapunzel was ignoring a little black girl. What is that? I don't know.

What is that? In the words of Cardi B, what is that? I'm so confused. What is that? And not to like demean or like be rude to someone who works in a theme park, but I'm sorry. You're a blue, fuzzy person who has to sweat in the heat. The least you could do is wave at a fucking kid.

Absolutely. Who are you discriminating against? I'm so confused. You're not Zoe. You are Natalie who goes home and lives in a studio apartment. Like, nothing wrong with a studio, but Natalie. Nothing like that, but wave at them fucking kids. Wave.

It's your job. Yeah. It's a really... Those things are really painful to watch because you and I, we deal with whatever racism, whatever homophobia, misogyny, whatever that is, but as adults,

to watch kids have to deal with it. It's painful for us as grown-ups, but to watch kids have to experience their favorite characters ignoring. It's like how evil of a person do you have to be to ignore a child like that?

Right? And if you don't like kids, you chose to be in a place where there's kids. There's so many other jobs you could do, baby. Anything else. Anything else. Anything else. Anything else, baby.

Also, are you a Disney person? Yes. I'm not like a Disney adult, but I do have like a Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse poster over there. We love animation. I, you know, I have Disney Plus. Hey, disney i want to be in marvel hey marvel but i'm not having my wedding at cinderella's castle you know that energy that's not my energy yeah that energy is wild to me that's not my energy yeah i went to disney i've been to disney twice in one week because oh my god somebody in my life Who likes Disney Stressful The chaos

Theme parks really stress me the fuck out It's a lot of walking I hear there's like a VIP version Where you pay Thousands of dollars But then you cut all the lines The next time I go That's what I'm doing

Because I cannot deal with this Waiting in line with these ugly fucking families It is wild to see an ugly Waiting in line with these ugly fucking families. It is wild to see an ugly person holding hands with another ugly person and looking down and seeing four ugly children being like, how? How didn't the ugly skip a generation or something? How did you leave your home being like, we're fit for the world? And I know people are going to get mad at me and be like, Nicole, everyone's beautiful to somebody.

Guess what? These people at Disney were not beautiful to me. I did have a point about Disney. I can't remember it. You start thinking about those people you saw and you said, I'm distracted. Yeah. Oh, I guess we were talking about Zoe being mean to those black kids.

And then I was thinking about Disney. And Rapunzel was mean at Disney. But here's my question. And we will talk about dating at some point sure sure have you seen the disney light show oh yes when like the parade the light parade no so there's the i think it's called like the electro street parade or something that's just like on Main Street. But by Pirates of the Caribbean, there's like a full-blown light show with pyrotechnics and a giant ship. And it's like Disney's imagination,

or not Disney, fucking Mickey's imagination. And then all these people with these like giant heads are moving their bodies in the weirdest way. It was like impressive, but also insane. I was like, what are we all watching? What is this? You're also like, with that money, we could maybe fix the water in Jackson, Mississippi. Kind of.

Every time I went on the cars ride and I was like, this ride is inside the size of a home. And some people don't have homes. I was like, and the big car is talking to me. And now I get to race around. I was like, what are big car is talking to me, and now I get to race around. I was like, what are we all doing? Yes, yes. Do you find that as you get older, the things that were exciting and fun and beautiful as a kid, or even as in your 20s, but now that you're like, I'm a grown-up who pays taxes and bills,

I'm kind of like, wait, there are people who don't have anything, and yet y'all got this kind of light show going? Couldn't y'all like cut that budget in half and maybe, I don't know. Yes, I get really irate when I see what the starting rate like wages are at like a fast food restaurant where I'm like, wait a minute so mcdonald's is this like global conglomerate that makes billions of fucking dollars a year probably trillions trillions trillions quadrillion and their ceo cfos vps all these people make so much money but the person who has to deal with the public and people screaming about machines being broken and throwing French fries in their faces, get $9 an hour.

Crazy. And I'm like, and I know people are like, well, if you want, if you want to get paid more, get a better job. No.

Why do the people who don't do anything get paid so much, but the people who actually do the work get paid so little i feel like it should i feel like there should be salary caps on ceos if you make x amount of money in profit you have to give it back to the the workers i don't know the older i get the more i'm like what are we doing what are we doing yeah that energy of like oh you should just get a better job it's like what are we doing? What are we doing? Yeah, that energy of like, oh, you should just get a better job. It's like, what are you talking about? Like this energy of like, you're supposed to struggle. And I'm not asking for like, you know, silver spoons,

but there are a lot of people who have silver spoons. I mean, you know, when you go around New York City or LA, you're like these fucking, the rent is insane and people are paying it. So talk to me about the people who don't have access to that, who don't have those resources. And the idea of saying, you should just get a different job. Get the fuck out of here.

It's wild. And then sometimes it's like, well, I do have a job and I live in my car because I literally cannot pay rent. It's wild in these streets. It is. It is. Real quick.

We have to take a break. I hate breaks, but I understand we got to pay the bills. Bop. Beep. We're back. Okay. Hey. Okay.

So, Brandon. Yes. You are not single. No. You have a husband. I do. You are not single. No. You have a husband. I do. You have a dog. I do.

You met on Tinder. We did. Tell me about it. Oh my goodness. Where are all these facts coming from? How do you know this shit? I know, right? Lindsay, my assistant.

My new assistant is, honestly, I don't know how she does it all. On it. She's on it. I bother her all day, every day with questions for me. how she does it all on it she's on it bother her all day every day with questions for me and she gets it all done she gets these like i asked for a one pager on guests yeah there's three pages on you wow i have three fucking pages of information pages yes all right i'm excited uh yeah all those look at. I feel so fancy and important. I feel worthy.

I feel valuable. I feel necessary. Yeah, but we met on Tinder. So we met seven years ago, actually, on Tinder. I had a one-way ticket to LA. He had a one-way ticket to Oakland. He was swiping for Dick because he just got back from Peace Corps in Uganda and was going to stay.

He was living in upstate New York right outside of Poughkeepsie, Fishkill. Although he says that's not upstate, but I'm like, if it's not in the boroughs, it's upstate, so fuck out of here. So he had set his radius or whatever to a very large rail because ain't nobody in Fishkill.

It's like a dick like that. Yeah, it's trying to catch all the fish. Absolutely. So he matched with me and I wasn't i had like just sworn off men in general because i had just like broken up with somebody and i was like men suck i'm a man my career and i was heading to la but i was like all right i'll go on this date because it'll be good material for like at the time i was doing stand-up very short-lived stand-up career i was like it'll be good material um and we met and um he we learned had

giardia but he didn't know at the time so like giardia is like a stomach bug thing so he couldn't really eat he was also vegetarian i was like cool i'm ordering all the chicken fingers french rice and mozzarella sticks and i ate all of it in front of him and he ain't nothing i was like bet and then i was like and then i was like i had plans uh because you know it's what you're supposed to do on a date you're supposed to have other plans uh after the date so that you don't like give away all your tea so i had uh plans at to see a show at like eight or something so he like walked me to the theater and on that walk was i think when i fell for him um and then i saw the show and he was like,

maybe later we can hang out because I'm going to go dancing. I was like, all right, cool. Give me a call. So I saw the show, went to the after party, went home, started doing my laundry. It's 11 o'clock at night. You know me. 11 o'clock, I'm staying home.

I got a text from this man. When I tell you I got into a cab so fast and got my ass back downtown to go meet this man. Apparently, when I walked in, he was kissing somebody. I didn't see it. He saw me push that guy away. We spent the rest of the evening together. I had to leave him at 4 a.m.

We were in the bathroom urinal. It turns 4 a.m., you know, peeking at each other's penises in the urinal. As one does, romantic, romance. But I had to leave because there was a guy who I was kind of seeing in Syracuse who was getting into town at like 4.30 a.m. to stay with me. Wow. So I left my now husband and I went home to meet this guy who spent the weekend with me and then I never saw that guy again. And then now I'm married to Matthew.

I love it. Honestly, I love it specifically because he was kissing someone, pushed him away, you came in, you danced all night, you said gotta go, have other plans.

And those other plans were to fuck somebody else for the whole weekend. Yes. I'm like very envious of people who get to live lives like that. That's just like, God did not see that for me. That's just a hoe life. That's just hoeing. I want to be a hoe. You want to be a hoe?

You want to be a hoe? You want to be a ho? I would love. So, I mean, right now, technically, I am like horny for love. But like being a ho seems so fun. It is really fun. And, you know, I'm an H-E-A-U-X ho, which I think is different than an H-O-E ho. And then there's H-O. One's a tool, right?

Is H-O the tool or H-O-E the tool? H-O-E is the tool. Okay. Then HO is like the traditional hoe. And then HEAUX to me is a real hoe, which is like you reclaim your sexuality. You reclaim your vibes. You are, you know, unpacking the shame around sex and the oppressive nature of sex. Kind of the religious shame around all of it.

I think you're also communicate and you take care of your partners to me. Like that is, that's my, that's the whole phase I'm interested in. Not, not a fuck boy phase or a fuck they phase. Really? Just like,

I kind of, I like where I feel like the world is heading to. It's funny because my Instagram feed is just like lots of queer, non-binary, allies, people like, I mean, I don't shave my armpits. A lot of other women who don't shave their armpits. Not binary people with like titties but mustaches and like i just like really love people living their best truths or whatever and then it's funny then i like went to studio city today and i was like ah okay yes the normies the normal people who haven't quite gotten there and to me it's so jarring when i leave my little either instagram hole or like my friends yeah like i had a party where i had a non-binary friend who might seem

masculine in like a little one-piece bathing suit and i was just like it felt good i was like where where is this i want more yeah it's wild that it doesn't exist. I just watched this thing that Alok, do you know Alok? I don't know how to pronounce their last name, but Alok is incredible. And they just posted something that I was like, this is incredible. Just talking about how on Instagram, people love to follow queer people and gender nonconforming people, nonbinary people. But it's kind of like a freak show, but they don't care to see us on runways. They don't care to see us sitting next to them. It's always like this digital kind of quote unquote freak show.

And where are we in kind of IRL on TV and media like in value as well, which doesn't quite exist. And it's so sad because our influence is everywhere, you know, like to the beginning of our conversation, especially just as black folks, as black queer folks, our, our influence, our cadence, our, our language, our clothing, our hairstyles. I mean, come on the Kardashians, like it's everywhere. come on the kardashians like it's everywhere and yet we aren't uh allowed to be at the table for it um so we got to build our own fucking tables it is a while did you see kim's recent i think it was like interview magazine cover where i was like so now we're co-opting drag like that was a very draggy look and a jockstrap with the femme i was like that's for me very camp draggy slash non-binary like playing with gender and it's like well kim does it does that like are we now gonna

open up the conversation about how like it's okay to dress how you want? Or does Kim just get to be Kim and then that's that? I think that that is what is always the disappointing part of that stuff is that even with like, you know, no disrespect to Harry Styles or whatever, like Harry wearing a dress, which I think is fabulous. No, we can disrespect it. He's a cis white man who paints his nails and dresses in female clothing and is being herald as like groundbreaking yes when i'm like i don't know why is it groundbreaking why why are we exalting that

timothy chalamet recently at the venice with the with the red um uh the red outfit with a kind of backless like a halter yeah Yeah. Like these, you know, straight sis or, you know, I don't want to assume anyone's sexuality, but seemingly, seemingly presenting as sis white, um,

seemingly presenting as het kind of doing these gender bending, gender nonconforming, um, stuff with their fashion, get praised and protected and valued. but those of us who actually like that is our our that's our bread and butter that's what we do that's how we live day to day um are constantly worried about our safety constantly worried about yes um you know if this if this outfit is going to stop us from getting that job or etc etc andry styles is whole like a watermelon sugar fucking evolution reminds me a lot of miley

cyrus and no shade to miley lover very fun bangers one of my best one of my favorite fucking albums but she was like black for a minute oh yes and then she was like hey y'all uh now now i'm back and i'm doing country and it's just like same with jt justin timberlake did this similar as well where he was black as hell i was just invited to the bet awards honey like we'll invite you we'll invite you beyonce she ain't get no cmt nominations or whatever but guess what we had billy ray do his duet with Lil Nas. Come on. Lil Nas X. We love inclusion. You do a bop, come on over.

But it's not the other way around. And it's also very quiet when we need them to be loud, which is. Correct. That's the devastating thing. It's like, do whatever you want. Dress however you want, but also acknowledge where it comes from and protect those people who fought to be able to, you know, be mask presenting wearing a dress or whatever the vibe is. And that kind of that loudness, it's very quiet. Let's just say that.

It is quiet and it is pretty wild when you think about it. What's wild to you? Tell me. Just that like white people can do literally whatever they want like it's when you like really like when it really boils down to it yeah you're like uh i watched a video of this white lady she had some baby hairs and she was like i'm calling these um slick downers or something and i was like ma'am Maybe You didn't wake up one day and say I'm a dude You saw this somewhere

Or the I think for a minute TikTok Like the skincare people were Putting Vaseline on their faces And calling it like Slugging or something like that And I was like bitch what My grandmother used to

Slather Vaseline on my face You did not invent a new skincare routine mama it was like a white lady was selling bonnets for like 200 dollars and i was like i'm on it i'm gonna go to amazon give it for a dollar period what are we all doing it's it is uh to your point it is wild when you like sit down and think, oh, like my, because it's so second nature because you've been doing it since you were little. I've been doing it since I was little, like correcting yourself and watching yourself and protecting yourself. And then you realize that white people like don't do that in the same way at all. They don't have to. They don't have to. They don't have to.

They can say whatever. I had somebody, I'm not going to say anything, but a black girlfriend of mine who's a writer was telling me that somebody had said to her when she got nominated for something that they were like, you know that you're not going to come to the ceremony. You're not allowed at the ceremony.

Just like this mutual white male friend and it was like i can't even imagine fixing my mouth to say that to somebody but the privilege of this white man felt he could just say to her this black woman you know i know you wrote that episode but you're not you're not coming in to the ceremony so that is just so you know. Insanely wild. Insane. I don't like that. At all. But it was like,

I was like shocked at that. And I was like, oh, that is privilege. That is an intense, enormous amount of privilege where the way that this, this white person exists, they don't have to think about what they're saying.

Cause there are no consequences for what they say. Yeah. I had to have a couple of conversations with some ivory friends who were upset that they would go out for the side character in something and be like oh it went diverse it's hard for me to get in a room because they're only hiring diverse people. And I'm like, if the lead was a person of color, then they could go non-diverse or include white people in the secondary parts. They didn't have to fill the lead with a white person and then go, oh go oh shit we gotta throw

some sort of something in here absolutely i'm the magical queer negro where they put it all in one it's like oh they're gay and they're of color boom they're gay they're of color they have all the wisdom they dress snazzy and they live for you honey and it's like you this basic white lady i live for you get real get real never and then with writers rooms i hear it a lot they're like oh they're not reading anymore like white people and i'm like oh yeah because they have um their room of 10 they have nine white people um the 10th one is a upper level person of color and then the studio gave them money to hire another black person literally that doesn't come out of their budget so that's why they're doing it literally

fucked up it's crazy and it's so whenever i hear a friend say that i'm like but why are you saying that when i first moved to la it was like uh it's such a good time to be black why people take this to be an audition it's, it's such a good time to be black. White people would say this to me in audition. It's such a, oh, what a great time to be black. Like, you know, y'all are getting all the parts. I was like, what are you fucking talking about? Yeah, show me. Show me.

Show me. Break it down. Let's see. Let's see a beautiful fucking pie chart of what we see on television. I guarantee you it's still 90% white. 99% white. Like, what are you talking about? Like, because Scandal was on the air, you're like, oh, it's still 90 white 99 white like what are you talking about like because scandal was on the air you're like oh it's a good time to be like get the fuck and that's not to say i don't love i love a messy white i love a messy white woman who's like i can't

get it together you know but i love a white family that it's fucked up i love it love it give me a fucked up white family any day i'll watch but for every fucked up white family give me a fucked up puerto rican family iranian family i don't know we're the fucking mixing pot melting pot let the tv show it something something i'm with you on that for sure real quick we have to take another break. Okay, we still have to talk about relationships. It's a relationship podcast. I love how I keep saying, I'm like, oh my God.

So, okay. So you guys, you dated long distance for one whole year. Yes, we did. How was it? Hard. Hold on one second. Can I let my husband in real fast? No, leave him out. Yeah, absolutely.

Leave that white man outside. No white preparations. He can stand outside for a little longer. I just text him to come in. Yeah, what was it like to date long distance? It was really um dating long distance was hard in the first couple months because we were doing new york to oakland and so the time difference right like when i'm waking up he's in the dead of sleep when he's getting his day together like i'm like wrapping up so that was hard when we move when i moved to la and so we're

doing la to oakland same time time zone um it was much easier um but still challenging you know it's hard to be away from your partner um we and i've heard this from other long distance relationships like oh here he comes here here he comes here he comes and he's gonna run in my love we still recording so if you just scurry to the bedroom, that would be wonderful. Scurry to the bedroom. That's a white word. They understand that. Scurry. That's really funny. For us, it's scurry.

That's different. Scurry. You want to scurry? Scurry. Scurry, honey. Scurry. Black people go, oh, that's scurry. That movie is scurry for white people. That's how they move.. Scurry. Black people go, oh, that's scurry. That movie is scurry for white people. That's how they move. They scurry.

I have to know how to code switch. So it was easier in the same time zone, but I've heard from other long distance that two weeks is like, if you can see each other every two weeks, that's ideal. Three weeks, y'all start arguing with each other for no reason. So the max we would go is about three weeks. We got us a little Southwest card, racked up some bills, flying back and forth. Because I did the drive twice. No, thank you. No, thank you.

No, thank you. My God, that drive is terrible. Too hot traffic. Too hot traffic. It's not pretty. It's awful. And then after a year, you know my ass was that drive is terrible. Too long, too hot traffic. Too long, too hot traffic. It's not pretty. It's awful. And then after a year, you know my ass was never moving to Oakland. Not ever.

That was never even an option. What? Get out of here. Yeah, no. No. But he didn't really like living there and the job that he had. He didn't love, so he moved to LA. And then that was an adjustment, you know?

I love it. And then you got married in the middle. got married in santa barbara yes your system really like i kid you not this woman is incredible like i the thing she she'll like anticipate stuff and i'm like what the fuck um love her but yeah you got married in santa barbara we got married in santa barbara in a courthouse in a courthouse which the santa barbara courthouse is gorgeous basically we were trying to start planning a wedding and i was like i still got student loan debts and the chairs are gonna cost ten thousand dollars you actual fucking mind let me tell you one thing about me. Not paying $10,000 for the one fucking folding chair.

That's wild. The wedding industry is a scam. Do it. Have fun. But it is a scam. It's a full on scam. You find one white woman who's like, I can get you anything you want. And then she's like, here's the bill and it's $100,000.

$100,000 for having a wedding at the park around the corner. Like, no, ma'am. Community park. Get the fuck out of here. So we were like, let's go to the courthouse because the Santa Barbara courthouse is gorgeous. To the point where we took photos outside and I

posted it and I had a couple of friends passive aggressively be like, oh, so happy that you had a wedding um congratulations wish i could have been there that's very funny and you're like we're literally on the sidewalk maybe it's a sidewalk it's just me and him and like two people like you're good um and so we've been married for it'll be four years in january congratulations who proposed to who we uh proposed to each other uh because we were arguing about who would propose to who and my therapist who happens to be um a queer latin a

woman was like why are you being so heterosexual it's just feeling very patriarchal it's giving it's giving heterosexuality um and i was like, oh, fair. Drag me, Vanessa. So I talked to Matthew about it. And he was like, yeah. So we planned it. We woke up one morning. I said, do you want to get engaged today? And he said, I would love to. I went to work, teaching spin class, came home. We went and picked out rings. And then later that night, we went to Griffith Observatory. I took some photos and then uh it was too crazy so we went down to the bottom and i literally proposed in like the dirt where they're like picnic benches and so we have photos of me on my knee him on his knee and oh it was real cute i like that i've talked about it before on the podcast, but I feel like a surprise. All right, whatever. That's fine. Who cares? But I think it's it. It means more or at least in my brain and my little heart. It means more to have a conversation. Would you like to get engaged today?

Yeah, sure, why not? Okay, let's go ring shopping together so we can actually pick out what the fuck we like. And then we get to just ask each other. Even though we know the answer. We know the answer. But it feels like... But like, yeah. But to me, and, you know, again,

we grew up watching the fairy tales. So yes, we did want the, you know, the person to like pop the question. But logistically, logically, like when you really think about it, it is a big fucking deal to tell somebody you want to spend your life with them. Not just spend your life with them romantically, but I want to link my bank accounts with you. I want my credit score to be linked to you.

I want your whole world to come together. It's a big deal. And this idea that it's just going to be a surprise. Like I'm going to... We're just going to go, here you go. You want it? Yeah.

It's like, no, I feel like it should be a conversation. It should be like, we want to do this. And there's something about it happening together, like both of us deciding together. I don't care what your gender is but just two people having uh agency and autonomy in that decision as opposed to just like being sprung on you and you being like oh yes that shit seems wild i mean honestly i would like to have a conversation before it happens, if it ever happens for me. And then I would like to say, you know me, I love drama. We must go to a public place,

maybe the Grove in front of the Cheesecake Factory where the fountain is. And I would like you to get on a knee and I would like you to loudly scream, will you marry me? I will cry boo hoo, say yes, and then I'll get on my knee and then I'll propose to you. And hopefully you'll be a boisterous

person you'll scream you'll run around and then people will be like oh my god and then we'll jump in the fountain and we'll be escorted out of the grove i love that with your mozzarella six cheesecake factory absolutely we have to go back absolutely i love that the thing is i think sometimes we think that like planning it takes away the surprise and the sentimentality of it it does it because it's still a big fucking deal like to love somebody so much to say i want to share my life with you no matter if you know it's coming or not especially even if you know it's coming it's still so beautiful and special and and i'm team plan your engagement with each other. This I love. So how long did you date before you got married?

We were together, God, math. I think we were together three years, engaged for together two years, engaged for one, and now we've been married for four. That'll make seven here. Oh my word, that's such a long time. I love it. Yeah.

Before your husband, were you, what were the other relationships you were in? Were they long term, short term? Yeah, I was notoriously a two-monther. And I actually said to Matthew, I was like, just so you know, I get bored after two months. I literally, I was unhinged. I love it. I was unhinged. Just being like just so you know i get bored after two months i literally i was unhinged i love it i was unhinged just being like see you now just so you know there's a timeline on this babe i was at that when we met i was really done with men i was really really like fucking over it and so i did you ever listen to um lauren hill's unplugged album have you ever listen to Lauren Hill's Unplugged album? Have you ever listened to that?

No, I haven't. Lauren Hill put out this album on MTV Unplugged like decades ago. But she does a lot of really long interludes where she talks. And her whole thing was like people trying to pretend like there's something they're not when they're dating is crazy. Because eventually you're going to find out the truth. And so that's how I decided to approach this relationship. I was like, listen, this is what I do. This is i like this is how i act two months you gone it obviously lasted longer but previously my relationships were about two three months there was one long-term

relationship that was about two and a half years or two years it was an emotionally abusive relationship so we had to get out of that. But that was probably the longest relationship outside of my marriage. Hmm. I don't know how to do that. I can't even imagine being with someone for so long. I feel like I'd constantly be like, do you still like me? Am I annoying?

Yeah, yeah. There definitely was a period of that where you're like, you are insecure about, I think that, you know, somebody said, I forget who says it, but a relationship is where two people come to heal their childhood wounds. And I fully, fully believe that. Like if your eyes are open, like your partner, with the right partner, you're really,

it's less about them and more about you. More about like what are the stuff that this relationship triggers? What are the attachments? What are the insecurities that this thing triggers? And so there's a beautiful opportunity to really learn more about yourself and grow with yourself as you grow with that partner. If you're both in it with your eyes open,

there are a lot of people who are in a relationship with their eyes closed. They're just in it because they want to be in a relationship as opposed to the emphasis being on the partner. The emphasis being on what kind of person do I want to spend time with and who I

can grow and move through these difficult moments with. And so yes, insecurity is going to come up. Do I like you? Do you like me? All that's going to come up. But hopefully you have a partner who can talk you down off the ledge and remind you how loved you are and who wants to figure out how to help you feel that and remind you of that. And you want to do the same for them. So yeah, we had, I mean, we had our, there was definitely a midpoint before the pandemic, we went to couples therapy and I've

said it to him, I'll say it to you. If we did not go to couples therapy, the pandemic would have, I would have gotten divorced. Period. I'm fully clear on that because we had gotten to our top, to our cap with the language and the understanding that we both had in our own lives. It was as much as we could grow together, we had done it. And so to get to that next level was going to need professional help. And if we didn't get that, you just get mad at each other. And you get those insecurities come back up. And there's no way to communicate about it.

And you're just constantly clashing. And I think that that ends it. I do think that's really important for people to think about. I think it's like couples therapy. You can even do it when things are good. But it's like, okay, I recognize a pattern and a problem. So like, let's just nip it in the bud because we can't seem to communicate

in a way that's going to help. So why don't we get an unbiased person who's not in this to have eyes on this to like tell me what's wrong? Yes. You know? Absolutely. I think that it's, there's,

I think about this with dating. I think about this? Absolutely. I think that it's, there's, I think about this with dating. I think about this with marriage. I think about it with parenting. There's this ego thing that like we should all know how to do it. And most of us didn't see it. Like I had a single mother. I didn't see a relationship. So how would I know how to actually successfully be in it?

Some people have both their parents who were dysfunctional. So how would you actually know how to actually be in a relationship if you haven't been taught? This is our first time doing life. I've never had kids. How would I know how to raise kids? Like this fear of asking for help and asking for support and making people feel like they're weak or they're dumb or that they don't know, like that they should just know. I should just know how to raise it. It's like, no, you shouldn't.

Like this is your first time on planet earth. So wouldn't it be great to just have some support, whether that's in a book, whether that's podcast, whether that's seeing a therapist, but like really looking for the information and being curious about what it means to be in a relationship successfully what it means to parent successfully what it means to be married successfully like it's a learning curve and i think that we need to i don't know put more emphasis and value on learning and and not so much on like i should just know because the fairy tales didn't teach shit no they really don't fairy tales didn't teach shit no they really don't one fairy tells about a half fish woman maybe i mean i was always like cinderella that cinderella to me is one of the stories that

fucks me up the most because i'm always like mama lost her mom lost her dad was locked up in a tower in the top room with some evil ass uh stepmom and stepsisters then marries a prince and we supposed to expect that everything went well when all her friends were mice? Fuck out of here. This bitch talks to mice. There's no way that that prince is like, she's A-OK in my book. He probably wakes up

in the morning and he's like, she's talking to birds now? I don't know. I think my wife is going through it. I think it might be a manageable mental illness, but definitely some trauma to go through. And he's been privileged his whole life and has had his ass wiped this whole life. Like, how is he being a good partner? You know what I'm saying?

It's like if we really were to stay with Cinderella and the Prince post-Happily Ever After, you'd be like, this craziness is happening. Same with Beauty and the Beast. I read this theory that like he would break things in the room and you have to remember a lot of his things are people so this man is killing people as a beast traps this woman gives her books and a dress yeah stop them syndrome stuff she falls in love he turns into like a cutish man and she's like i love her okay i love him that's my man that's my boo he be murdering he kidnapped me but i love that that's my man i stand by my man so funny like it's crazy yes i could truly talk to you forever all day we are at the end

yes i'm so sad about it okay tell me what would you like to promote the biggest thing i want to promote is my book yes yes yes yes my book you gotta be You which comes out on September 27th and it's a I say it's a part self-help part memoir learning to love the intersections of one's identity specifically my

black queer identity and the governing question that I start the book off with is who would I be if society never got its hands on me to me

to everything we're talking about it's so important to me that we challenge what we've been told and taught by society and our family about our looks about our how we talk, how we speak, how we dress, where we find joy and love. So much of it is by rote and because we saw it and not enough of like, I'm choosing this.

The basic example is always like, am I allowed to wear a dress? Why can't I wear a dress? Why can't Brandon Kyle Goodman in this male am I allowed to wear a dress? Why can't I wear a dress? Why can't Brandon Kyle Goodman in this male body with a penis wear a dress? Who does that hurt? And I have to give myself the freedom to at least try it on. Why can't I give myself the freedom to just try it the fuck on and see if I like it, see if it's something that I value. And I might not like it, and that's okay.

But I don't need somebody to tell me because I'm a male or I'm a man or whatever, I can't do X, Y, and Z. I'm a woman, I can't do X, Y, and Z. So who would you be if society never got its hands on you and just really want people to be you? That is such an interesting question. Mm-hmm.

I like, I know I should end the podcast, but like, I know I should end the podcast, but like, I mean, this episode, but that's such a curious question. What would we all be like? So I had a friend growing up who would wear a dress, her Dorothy costume from the Wizard of Oz to school. And she would only respond to Dorothy. And the teacher had a parent teacher conference with her mother and the teacher was like you know you're not dorothy right like you're like you can't we can't just call you dorothy and she was like i'm just pretending and then my friend from that day on never pretended again and wow it killed it a fun person but i would say

i think would be a more whimsical person if that interaction did not happen it's i personally i hate math because of ms gizzy who got married and now she's mrs risotto i'll put names out there accuse me of cheating on a fucking math test i wasn't cheating the way my brain works is i would look at answers and work backwards and then if i couldn't get backwards i'd be like i don't know but like i just couldn't uh anyway we do have to wrap up so if you like this podcast you can later you can write it rate it oh wait no brandon would you date me yes everybody this oh my god like you said i would talk to you for hours. So, yes, we could date.

And we would be a power couple. The girls wouldn't know what to do with us. They sure wouldn't. Another question. Yes. Do you like Beyonce's new album? Yes. I love it very much.

Okay, great. I'm very suspicious of people who don't like it. I am too. I didn't like the first single. And I was was like you fucking ungrateful ingrates she gave us the bop of the summer for us to like fucking be in the clubs saying get rid of your job for yourself break my soul yes i love it anyways we should have seen you you like you start with renaissance because we would this would have been a renaissance podcast

because i mean it's a perfect album top to bottom from top to bottom what's your favorite song lemonade but i thought lemonade lacked without the visuals beyonce was a beautiful album yes i oh i'm also a fan of four i thought but the ballad's on four but renaissance feels like it feels like all of that all those albums like it's king lemonade beyonce like this like in one kind of perfectly curated what's your favorite song my favorite song alien superstar i really love cozy i think it's virgo something virgo's groove yes plastic off the sofa into virgo's groove i was literally just listening to this um so i have it right up on my phone but um there's one that i really really love move with grace jones is incredible move um and then summer renaissance

is that where she is sampling um yes donna summers donna summer yeah that's also honestly it's top to bottom is a great unskippable it's it's beautiful it's beautiful cuff it will always like when that comes on in the car i want to fuck something up like come on also church girl i'm gonna go see her on tour i have to miss work i'll fucking do it i do not care call me we'll go to the la one yes i will love two more acts and i was like i don't know if she's gonna do them separately or like do all three and do a concert but if she does three separate concerts i will be at all three she can have i will go to all three as well and i'm like what is next so i do i think she's gonna do so this one's house i think she might

do a country album her country and then i heard like r&B. Like traditional R&B. That's what I heard. That's what I heard. I'm here for it. Okay. We have to wrap it up. We have to wrap up. So if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, rate it, subscribe, whatever. Give me five star rating on iTunes

or Apple fucking podcast. And if you write me a nasty ass message hitting on me to why won't you date me at gmail.com I will read it aloud. Also, Mar is my producer. She is the one who reads it.

Do not send her dick pics. She don't want them. Okay. This nice person said, hi baby. It's me, Tommy, the Australian DJ from Raya. What? I know I was all endless chats on the app, but I promise you, you'll love me once you get to know me. I totally go down on you, and I'd fuck you till you come.

I'll only ghost you, like, for two weeks before inviting you to my super sick set i have at a no-name club i treat you special little girl and let you worship my below average cock oh it'll be what it'll be big one day just you wait this seems so personal because i did date a person named tommy from an app but they were not an australian dj from raya this i this is strange to me it's not a good sell below average dick is not a good you know sometimes people like to do that to like undersell things and they're like guess what it's big but guess what usually it's not that big all right well get brand's book. You gotta be you. How to Embrace This Messy Life and Step Into Who You Really Are.

Okay, baby. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream.

What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. Dream! Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.