Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Cheesy Anniversaries (w/ Alex Moffat)

Episode Date: November 29, 2024

Comedian Alex Moffat (SNL) joins Nicole to discuss how his relationship is thanks to Velveeta cheese. This episode isn’t sponsored by Velveeta—but we really wish it was. Alex shares how he met his wife at a Velveeta commercial, how the cheese played an essential part in his proposal, and why it’s now a staple of their anniversary. He also discusses his pole dancing skills, bombing at a Nicole Byer comedy show, being an acrodunker for the Chicago Bulls, and shares some of the worst dating advice we've heard on the show.WATCH this episode on YouTube at: https://youtu.be/Nb4jAt6NvfYSee Alex Off-Broadway in The Big Gay Jamboree!This episode is brought to you by -» Uncommon Goods: For thousands of unique gifts & 15% off your first order, visit UncommonGoods.com/dateme.» BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.» Essie: Shop essie nail polish at Target.Follow:Our New TikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastInstagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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["Why Won't You Date Me?" by The Bachelorette plays.] Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast from Munichlbier has been trying to figure out why I was so single for so long, even though you could come right in my smoothie and tell me that it's oat milk, because we're over almond milk.

My guest today is an iconic and hilarious comedian and actor that you know from Saturday Night Live. And you can catch him starring alongside Vince Vaughn in the new Apple TV Plus. Is that, is it Apple TV Plus? Apple TV Plus series about a monkey. He's currently lighting up the stage on the off-Broadway play, The Big Gay Jamboree, now playing at New York's Orpheum Theater.

Also, I have worked with him. I've worked with him a couple of times. We did a movie in the beautiful upstate of Syracuse, New York. The beautiful upstate, whatever. Also, we did a show together at a college. It's Alex Muffet! Wow, what an intro.

I love to see you reading copy and just going for it. Oh my God, yes. Whatever Apple is calling their streaming service now, when it's on. I saw that was a real tripper upper in there. Hi, Nicole. How are you? Alex, I'm good.

I got through all that coffee. I know it's Apple TV Plus. So let me ask you a question. So you have a wife. Correct. Caroline. Correct. Who is very, very nice and I like her a lot.

Tell me, how did you get her? How did I get her? How did you snatch her up? By the grace of goddess herself. How did I get her? How did I get her? How did you snatch her up? By the grace of goddess herself. How did I snatch her up? Well, we met years and years ago at a Velveeta cheese commercial, a dish in Chicago. Heard of it?

Oakland casting, shout out. So I went in for one of those cattle call auditions for a Velveeta commercial. And they said, hey, Alex, you're going to be going into the room with Shara and Caroline. So I went over, I already knew Shara from the improv community. I introduced myself to a lovely lady named Caroline and immediately, you know, my heart was a flutter. We chit-chat a little before going in, realized we grew up in houses behind each other

in the burbs of Chicago. Oh. How about that? Our moms had been in the same book club. I knew her brother, like we used to play and have like underwear wars in her backyard as little boys. What is an underwear war? Funny you should ask, Ms. Byers.

It basically was just like riding around the backyard trying to put underwear over each other's heads. Okay, fair. Kids are fun. Kids are fun. Her brother's my age, few years older. I really rock the cradle. She's a huge,

it's a real May, December. She's three years my junior. So I just, and we moved from that house when I was eight. Anywho, I just didn't know her until we met at the commercial. We chit-chatted. I was planning to move to LA, so I was sort of like, well, she seems cool, but nothing's gonna happen here. And then we saw each other at the callback. She Facebook messaged me. Oh, okay. Right? And- What did she say in the Facebook message?

She kind of, she was like, hey, like, saw you from my car. Like, glad you dressed up for the callback. What, how did it go? And I was like, just fine, saw you too. How'd yours go? Blah, blah, blah. And she was like, what are you up to these days? And I said, well, I'm kind of just skulking around

until I moved to LA pretty soon. And she said, well, if you want to skulk around together, just let me know. Something to that effect. And I was like, whoa. Okay. I like this, the cut of her jib. And so we got to-

The cut of her jib? What did you say? I like the cut of her jib. I've never heard that phrase in my whole entire life. Well, this is why you brought in the moth dog. Arf, arf, woohoo. Okay, so you like the cut of her jib. Yeah. And then, so do you remember what your first date was?

Yes, she was like, well, I was like, oh yeah, okay, we didn't skulk around together. And then I was doing, I had a friend who was like a DJ and I used to do like sort of performance art on the side while he would do these shows. She mentioned one particular night, like hey, we should hang out. I was like, I have a show out in the way west suburbs, I'm not gonna be getting back till super late.

And she was like, well, I'm gonna be at the Owl till about 4 a.m. if you wanna swing by and have a drink. I was like, whoa. And again, I was like, the cut of her jib. So I did my little- You love that cut. I love that cut. So I did my weird little performance art show,

and then I texted her and it was like two in the morning. I was like, hey, I'm just finishing up. Sorry about that. She was like, no, I'm just finishing up. Sorry about that. She was like, no worries. I'm just out having a drink. And so I swum by the Owl in Logan Square in Chicago. She was there having a drink with a friend of hers. And then I came, so our first date was at like

a 4 a.m. bar in Chicago, like kind of divey, sat there, you know, chatted, connected hard. And it was a- And her friend was there. Did you feel like her friend was like a third wheel where you're like, get this bitch out of here. Well, her friend, her place at the time, she lived, she had these guys living above her

who had like a speed metal band. And so like one of the dudes who was just- What is speed metal? Good question. I mean, that's for another podcast. I hope you'll be a guest on my podcast, What is Speed Metal? Yeah, of course.

Yeah, we'll talk to your people. It was just like the bad music, but whatever. So one of these guys who was like a friend of hers was just there. I think more as like a prop more and she has confirmed this just to like hey I kind of like this guy. I want to ensnare him in my net. Please come to this bar with me and have a drink until he arrives and then beat it. And so that was so she left. Yes. This fella, this fella. You know, he sorry. Yeah. Apology accepted metal man, speed metal dude.

So I got there and within two minutes he was like, I'm going to go talk to blah, blah, blah. And we're like, went just disappeared. And I was like, I know, I know what this was all about. So we sat there. It was like he was never there. Uh, and we had a lovely time, you know, had a couple of drinks and, um, it was, we were off and running. Did you start dating then and there or did like...

Yeah, how did, I really want to know about the courting phase. Here's the courting phase, as I recall it. We had a lovely time. We went to her place and she danced on my feet to a song. Like you do. What do you mean she danced? Like at a daddy-daughter dinner dance. Oh, I thought you were like laying down

and she danced on your feet. No, no, no. And I was like, I don't understand. Okay. Yeah. So you were standing and she stepped on you. Yeah, but it was intentional. It was like one of those like, oh, it was just very kind of like flirty. And she was like- Yeah, it's very cute.

You know what I mean? It was also fairly, I really was like, ah, she seems so amazing, this girl, but I'm planning on moving. I don't wanna like start something. And then, so I was sorta, I was also coming out of a diff, an, a previous relationship that, you know, didn't end all that great.

So I, my heart wasn't very open to this new woman. Sure, you were closed off. I was closed off. You've been hurt before. You were a bad boy looking for love in all the wrong places. All of that, yes. And so, you know, whatever. It was very, honestly pretty tame because I again was like, I'm not open right now,

yada yada, other than little daddy daughter dinner dance. And then we like hung out. And then I think actually our next date, I really liked her. We liked each other a lot, but I was like, I don't know where this is gonna go. So anyway, then we, our next date, we were, this was like a week later.

Again, I was trying to take it very slow and not jump into anything. And then we were supposed to hang out. I canceled on her because I forget what I had. And then we had another date and I had something else pop up. I canceled again, bad. Whoa, how rude.

I know, rude. And then the third time, I literally texted her and I was like, hey, I hate to keep doing this but I got a rain check again. I think I have food poisoning but I would like to hey, I hate to keep doing this, but I gotta rain check again. I think I have food poisoning, but I would like to see you another time. And she just texted me back, okay, dude. Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, she had had it. She had had it. And I was like, I'm serious, I have food. She was like, okay. And I was getting this vibe through text like she didn't believe me. And so I was like, I ate five day old shrimp pad thai. Why did you do that knowing that you had a date?

I don't know. I think because- Well, okay, I'll tell you this. I understand it. I had the lights go out in my house. That sounds like a weird, I had no electricity on like the hottest days of the year. And then there was almond milk and it went bad and I ate it anyway and then I was very, very sick.

And that happened this year. I'm very old, I'm 62 years old. I knew better. So I get it, Alex Moffat, I get it. So she was like not into it. She was like, you're a liar. Then what happened? So first of all, we're both, I think, we both look pretty good for 62, which we both are.

I think so. Yeah. We have no wrinkles. Pfft. Not a one. So she goes, okay, dude. And I'm like, I'm serious. This is not good.

I'm, I'm yarfin. And she literally texted me. I'm like, I'm serious. This is not good. I'm I'm YARFing. And she literally texted me. She was like, YARFing. Yeah. She was like, well, if you want help. I was like, help. What are you talking about? Help YARFing. Yeah. And I was like, she was offering to put her fingers down your throat for you. Basically, which what an act of love early on.

That is nice. And I was. But I think she was also almost like calling my bluff, like, I was like, you can come over here, but I have food poisoning and you're just gonna, our second date is gonna be you watching me barf. And she was like, see you in, see you soon. And so she came over. Uh huh.

And basically nursed me back to health after my five day old shrimp fiasco. That's really sweet. I know. That's wild. I love that you bailed on her three times and then she's like, all right, well, if you're fucking sick, I'll help you.

So wait, did you move to LA or did you stay in Chicago and keep dating? Both. So through a series of, you know, circumstances at the time, I was living in my day. I had been living out in the suburbs at my best friend's parents' house. All different story. Then I was living at this time with the the shrimp and everything at my dad's

apartment because he had passed and we were gonna we were like getting you know, the place ready to not be you know to get rid of it and So I was living there and then when we Sold that place, you know this little apartment that I was living in She I was gonna go and live with my, where I had been out in the burbs. And she was like, hey, if you don't wanna go live in the burbs again and like have to commute

to the city for auditions and whatever, like you could stay with me until you move. And I was like. Whoa! How many dates was this? Well, we took, so after the shrimp fiasco, I think we had like one more date. And then for whatever reason, we took, so after the shrimp fiasco, I think we had like one more date. And then for whatever reason, we kind of,

like the holidays happened, we kind of took almost an unintentional like break. I think we were both like, I don't know what this is. This person's cool, but I don't know. So over the holidays, we didn't really see each other. And then she reached out to me like on Christmas and was like, how you doing? Because she go ho ho ho.

How you doing? She did. Why did she? She showed you that text? She did. And I. Oh, how How you doing? How you doing? And, you know, nothing was hotter than receiving that text. So.

But she like, ho, ho, ho. How you doing? I'll slide down your chimney. Yeah. And I was like, well, Mrs. Claus, put your claws. I can tell you where to put your claws. But she was very in a very sweet way. Again, I was also like grieving the loss of my dad,

a lot going on. And so she texted me on Christmas and was like, how you doing? I was just thinking about you. Like, she didn't say like first Christmas without your dad, what's that like? But it was something to that effect, like, hey, just thinking about you, blah, blah, blah.

Which was very nice. And again, she had the most open heart, loving soul, brightest spirit. I was so closed off and just like in a weird place. But I was like, wow, she is amazing. So then we made a plan to like hang out on New Year's Day. So we sort of consider that to be more of our anniversary, except for Velveeta Day, which we still celebrate in like late October, which was, you know, the anniversary. Do you call it Velveeta Day?

We sure do. Do you, okay, do you decorate your home and like Velveeta banners being like, it's Velveeta Day. We should, and I'll take that under advisement. I think it would be really nice. It would, and I should put like a Velveeta cheese fountain outside of our home.

Or you could just make Velveeta macaroni and cheese and then the three of you can eat it together. Well that is what we- Cause you have a daughter! I do, someone did a research. Um, was that on those sheets of paper? Because you have a daughter. I do. Someone did a research. Was that on those sheets of paper? That you were rustling? You have a daughter!

You make it sound like I'm on, like, the Price is Right. You have a daughter. Or Maury. Or Maury. Yes, that would be more Maury. Here's some news for you, bud. You have a daughter. You have a daughter. Yeah. Well, Caroline has no.

She's one of the smartest, most brilliant people I've ever met. And yet dates don't stick in her brain ever for any any amount of time. So I surprise her every year on Velveeta Day. I'll be like, hey, can you pass me the something or other in the freezer? She reaches in, she sees a box of Velveeta, and then she's like, oh, it's Velveeta Day. Is it that time already?

She is, I can, it's great dating somebody, or dating, I mean, now we're married. But I also, I like to think we're still dating. Is that how you keep the relationship fresh and romantic by being like, we're dating, we're not married, this child's a ghost. Yes, this child's a ghost. And we just met at the Owl in Logan Square.

God, is she a naughty gal. Real quick, we gotta take a break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Okay, so this month is all about gratitude. And I wanna start by giving a big thanks to all the people in my life, my friends, my family, and yes, my therapist who helps me hold it all together. And it's a good reminder that there's one person we don't think enough ourselves. Look, dating can be messy.

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like finding a therapist. And if you don't like them, you got to let them go. So let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash date me today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help, H-E-L-P dot com slash date me. This podcast is presented by Essie Nail Polish. You know, people say you can tell a lot about a person by their nails. I think it's true.

I mean, you wouldn't believe how many times I've been on a date and noticed a guy's reaction when I reach for something and he catches a glimpse of these nails. And honestly, it's not just for dates. Having my nails done makes me feel put together and I've got my life in order, even when I'm just at home watching 90 Day Fiance.

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Shop Essie nail polish for the holidays in store, Target, Ulta, CVS, all the stores you're already shopping at and online at your preferred Essie retailer. Wait, what is the most romantic thing you've done on your anniversary? A romantic thing I've done. I mean, the fact that I remember it and she has no recollection of it and every single year

hide the Velveeta box somewhere, I think is something. But what's the most romantic thing that I've done or that she's done? That you've done or she's done, you know, give it to me. Give me the romance. Well, this isn't an anniversary thing. We normally, what the hell do we This isn't an anniversary thing. We normally, what the hell do we do on our anniversary? We normally just like go out for a sweet, a sweetie pie dinner. She surprised me though on my 40th birthday with, this was very romantic and also just really cool.

She, when my dad turned 40, my mom threw him a surprise party, which was themed, Welcome to the Middle Ages. Get it? And we have like a- You do? Great. Cool. Then we're all caught up. So we have a photo album from that night

and I'm like a little baby in it and blah, blah, blah. I always thought it was so cool. And I never expected, I had always like kind of joked like, oh, we should do this. And then never thought much that it was gonna happen. And then she did the same thing. She surprised me with a welcome to the middle ages party. And I had no idea until I got to this restaurant,

and still no clue, walked into this back private room at a restaurant, and then there was all my friends dressed in medieval regalia. And I'm like, oh my God, how could I? And a friend of mine had even, she thought the surprise was ruined because a friend of mine who was planning to come

but then couldn't at the last minute sent a case of mead to our house. And I was like, oh, that's funny. What a weird thing. What is mead? Mead's like a medieval, like honey, like fermented honey wine thing that sounds- Ew, did you drink it?

I think I had a couple sips. It's, it's yarfy. Yeah, it sounds nasty. Yeah. Wait, how did you propose? Or did Caroline propose to you? I proposed to her in our old- How, where?

Ah! Well, okay, so we dated for a while, we moved to LA, and then we were, you know, lived in Los Fios, so a little one bed in an apartment, blah, blah, blah, and then we were sitting in our jammies one day. We had just- And, okay, sorry, not, blah, and then we were sitting in our jammies one day. We were just- And okay, sorry, not to interrupt, but I'm gonna,

how long had you been dating at that point? How many years? Four months? No, it was five years. Okay. Well, hold on. We started, first Velveeta Day was sometime in October in 2012. Okay. Well, hold on. We started, first Velveeta Day was sometime in October in 2012. Okay.

And then I proposed in like September of 2015. So three years. Okay, that's a nice chunk of time. Nothing bad. So you're in your one bedroom in Los Feliz or Los Feliz and you're in your jam jams. And then what happened? Did you get on one knee?

Or did you stand up straight? Stand up straight. Those are the only two options. Did you get on a knee or did you stand up real straight? It actually is one of those two. I got on one knee. We had just finished. Okay.

A friend of ours had directed this really lovely little short doc called Sea Rock that was all about the sort of generations and the passage of time and blah, blah, blah. And I was feeling very, I had been planning on doing it. I had my, a ring that had been my grandmother's a ring that had been my grandmother's and then my mother's and then I had it sized for, or no, she did that once I proposed.

But anyway, I put it in a box of Velveeta. Oh, of course you did. Yes, Velveeta features prominently in our courtship. And so then- You should get sponsored by Velveeta. They should pay you for all this. I mean, this podcast should go a long way towards securing that sponsorship.

I've been working on it for years. My people can't get it done. Wait, did either of you book this commercial? No, no. That's so funny that it plays such an integral part in your relationship, but neither of you booked it. Yeah, Caroline claims that that commercial was never made, which might be the case.

No! Wait, do you remember what the script of the audition was? Yes. You do? I do. So basically these two women are sitting there in like a kitchen and one of them is just crying and the other one's consoling her.

And she's like, don't worry about him. Like he's not worth it. And I kind of skulk in like a sort of smarmy dude. And I'm like, hey, hey Jenny, hey Kelsey, how are we? Hey Kelsey, you know I love you baby, right? And she's crying and the other one's like, get out of here, Todd. You're just a gold digger. You just want her for her Velveeta cheese,

her liquid gold. And I'm like, no, I love you, baby. So that was, apparently they should have made it. You just want her for her liquid gold. Pretty good spot. I would love to be the friend saying that with a straight face. I know. You just want my best friend because of her cheesy liquid gold.

So, okay, listeners, if that commercial exists and you remember it, please in the comments put the link or whatever. I think this commercial got made. Do I have a recollection of it? No. So anyway, you were on a knee. I'm on a knee. And you proposed. Yes. But. And she said yes? Or did she make you like think, oh no, she's gonna say no. Not for a second. But. Oh, because I want to do that to somebody. I know, wouldn't that be cool? I'd be like, mm, I don't know, ask me again in an hour.

Why would you torment your beloved? Oh! Because I'm a little trickster. Well, I respect that. But no, she, the way that she did sort of fake me out in that moment was, so I was like, we're both feeling so in love and blah, blah, blah. I was like, yes, this is absolutely,

as I'm thinking about generations and lifetimes, I'm like, I want to spend the rest of this one with this young lady to my left. So I literally, and I had the ring, the ring in the box of Elvira under our coffee table. I slid the coffee table a few feet out so that I could get, and I'm literally starting to like slide off the couch to get on one knee. Uh-huh. And she goes, oh, my mom's calling. Hang on. And I'm like, and I like get back on the couch as she's like, hey, yeah, no, we're just hanging out.

It just like talks to her mom for 15 minutes. And as I'm like, well, I'm going to propose to you as soon as you get off this, you know, in my mind. So she finally she's like, oh, yeah, but you know, and just kind of going about her business. And then I commenced, recommenced what I was I was, had started. Got on one knee, asked her and she was happy to oblige. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, and then we spent the rest of the day, we didn't tell anybody. We were like, let's just,

this is just for us for now. We're not going to like call our family or anything. So we just kind of. Luxuriated and being newly engaged, and then we like drove to Santa Monica and we're like looking at the water and stuff like that. And then we went to I had a speaking of commercial auditions, I had some sort of callback brag. Did you book it? No. And it was in Santa Monica,

which is I think why we went there. And so then anyway, the next person outside of Caroline and I who knew that we were engaged was, do you know Courtney Perosso? She's like a really funny. Yes, she's so funny. She's so funny, she's amazing. And she was paired up with me in the callback.

So literally I go into this commercial casting director's office. I'm sitting there and I go, hey, we knew each other a little bit. And I was like, hey, you want to know something fun? And she was like, what? I was like, I got engaged a few hours ago and you're the only other person in the world who knows. She was like, really? Why am I the only one?

But anyway, anytime I see her, I'm like, I barely know you. Truly. But but now we have that bond. So anyway, that's how we got engaged. That's the hour and a half long version of our courtship. So wait, when you decided to have a kid, did you like think about how it would change your relationship? Or are you just like, let's fucking do it. We need another person here.

A little bit of each. And we definitely, for some reason, had a Long Island accent while we were, we need another person here. We need another person here. We're just farting around with two of us. Let's make it interesting. Yeah, we gotta make it a threesome.

A little bit of each. It was during the pandemic and we were on the banks of Lake Champlain and made a sweet little bambina. And we were- Lake Champlain in Champaign, Illinois? Yes, Lake Champlain in Champaign, Illinois. Is it Champlain, Illinois? Or am I just wrong?

Were you in a different place? Where's Lake Champlain? It's Champaign, Illinois. Yeah. And Lake Champlain is upstate New York. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. But anyway.

I know exactly where you are. That's just where we made her. But anyway, we... Sure. I don't know if it was like, uh, we're let's do this now. We need to, but I think we, I think cosmically we were ready. Uh, and we really got lucky because this kid is the greatest little peach in the, in the, the universe has ever created.

Uh, she is really something. So we're lucky. But if you didn't like her, would you say it out loud? Interesting. I think I would be more willing. I think I'd be more willing to be like, oh, she's a lot, but she's great. And that's even that would be a misrepresentation because truly she's the coolest thing that I've ever met in my life. So we're just like every day we even when she's not around,

Caroline and I both go like, can you believe her? Look at her. What's the funniest thing she's ever done? The funniest thing she's ever done? Yeah, something that you were like niece laughing about. Well, she's done a bunch. Recently, she did a painting at school that even like the head of the school, when Caroline went to go pick her up last week was like,

hey, and brought her in, it was like, you gotta see this. And she had done a painting of her mommy and daddy. And it was Caroline, and now she's three and a half, but Caroline just basically these two big circle boobs, and then the biggest bush you've ever seen in your life And then a over to her, you know over next to her a like a stick figure of Her daddy and I was I my head was like this and I was basically just like smirking

I was like wide-eyed with like a weird smirk on my face, just staring at her bush. Which is pretty funny. Both accurate and. Oh, and one of the funniest things she's ever done. Also, she is always surprising because for a three and a half year old, she will say things where I'm like, how do you know to say something that's like wryly funny? Like the other day we were just sort of having a little love fest about our place in Brooklyn.

We just called it Brooklyn House. And I was like, we're so lucky to have, like we love it, blah, blah, blah. You know, it takes such good care of us. We love Brooklyn House. And Caroline was like, yeah, we, oh my God, what a lucky thing. We're so fortunate we get to live here. And our daughter goes, yeah, should we move?

That is funny. And then she kind of looked at us like, yeah, it's great. Should we move? Brooklyn House. Yeah. So she is a funny little peach. Wait, Alex, I have a question. Do you have any dating advice for single people? Wait, Alex, I have a question. Do you have any dating advice for single people? Wow, that was a real heavy sigh. Like something was weighing on your heart.

This is gonna, ugh. This is heavy. Yeah, it's just a heavy question, Nicole. I know. You have to now help all the single people in America and overseas because this bitch is international. Yeah, see that was why I sighed so heavily because I accept the responsibility

of saving all these souls who just are looking for love. And if I don't do it, nobody will. Any advice? Hoo wee. You know, what the? You ain't got none? If you have a second date coming up, don't eat five day old shrimp.

Or a third date or a fourth date. True. And if... Wait, why would that be your advice when eating the shrimp helped you get a wife? Fair point. Another piece of advice I would say is... Oh, we're just... Okay.

Okay, moving on. Moving on. If you're looking for a third date idea, eating a three course meal and drinking two bottles of wine while watching all of Django Unchained in a bathtub with your date is a great date idea. Again, I think this advice is a little fucked up. You wanna watch a slave fucked up. Why?

You want to watch a slave movie in a bathtub? Okay, cut that part out. Shit. So far, this advice is not good. I think I'm borderline dating guru after this. Okay. Wait, did you do that with someone? Did you get into a bathtub?

This is funny because once John Millehiser, my old roommate, wanted to have a Selma party where we watched the movie Selma, which is about racism and segregation. I was like, John, you can't have a Selma party. And he was like, why? The movie came out. I wanna have a party for this movie. And I was like, why? The movie came out. I want to I want to have a party for this movie.

And I was like, any other movie you could have a party for, you can have a viewing thing, but don't call it a party. Don't put balloons for Selma. But anyway, did you get in a bathtub with someone and watch Dejango? And by Dejango, I mean Django. I had a feeling that's what you meant. Yes, my now wife, we were looking for something to watch. We, I again was like living in my dad's place.

He had a tub that was, there was room for two. We had dinner. I was like, hey, should we watch this in the bath? So in we climbed, drank a couple bottles of wine and it has nothing to do with, so it's a great movie if you haven't seen it, Nicole. I mean, so I mean, I love. I didn't say we had a party to watch it.

No, no, I get it. Listen, it was out. It's a nice thing to do. Oh shit, I had another question and it left me. Oh no. Were you gonna ask me about how it felt to absolutely bomb at a college gig opening for you? You said you bombed.

I think we both didn't do well. If you say so, if that's your recollection, I'm not going to tell you you're wrong. I just remember it was like a big basketball center. Arena. A basketball center as they call it. Arena. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

I just remember like nobody liked anything we were doing. Yeah, but I, well then maybe you just had more success. I think they were very much there to see you. You were the headliner. And so I think people were sort of maybe by your standards, that was you bombing. My recollection is I went out tanked hard for 20 minutes, could only really hear the sound of my own voice

and goofs reverberating back to me off of bleachers and concrete hundreds of feet away, just coming back at me, reminding me that no one was laughing. I was like, whoa, that was rough. Went backstage and then could hear over the PA in my recollection, at least, you know, compare and despair the old thing.

As I was then going like, whoa, I just really ate shit out there. And then hearing like uproarious laughs. Well, and then I was like, well, hey, at least she's crushing. At least these people are getting their money's worth. You know? College gigs are just, they're inherently hard. The older you get, the more you're like, like I remember this wasn't that show,

it was a different show, but I had a hocus pocus joke and I was like, and usually at like, when I like reference hocus pocus, there's like a ha ha ha or like a woo. But I did it at a college to Dead Silence and I was like, wait, do you people not know Hocus Pocus? And they're like, never heard of it. And I was like, get out the butt.

Yeah, so college gigs, they're tough. They're tough. They're hard. They're hard. Oh, I'm not, you know, there's honor and bombing too, I've always said. So I gave it the old college try, so to speak. And I can hang my hat on that.

Hang it right on that. And then also recently we shot a movie in Syracuse. How about that? That was fun. You are very good at pole dancing. Right back at you. Thank you. But like you don't, pole dance,

you just like, was that the first time you'd done it? It's wild how good you were. That's very kind. Yeah, I don't know if it was the first time I'd pole danced. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. I guess it was the first time I pole danced,

but it was the, it's similar to doing silks, which when I- You've done silks? When I worked on a cruise ship, one of the like, silk people- You worked on a cruise ship? Yeah. What else do you wanna know?

Was this pre-Caroline or post-Caroline? This is pre-Caroline. Okay. Yeah, it was like for like a comedy gig. I lived on there for four months. And then one of the, I know. Have you ever done one? Have you ever worked on one?

I won't. You can't get me on a cruise ship. Good. Don't. No, you couldn't pay me. Unless, okay, the only way you could pay me to get on a cruise to perform is if we were docked and I got on, did the show, and got off before it went anywhere. Okay. I don't want to sail around with these people.

No. No offense. No, sure you do. But it's like, I don't know. Some taken. Being on a cruise and then hanging out with people is like being on an airplane and hanging out with the people on the airplane.

I don't want to talk to you. I'm gonna get to my Dustin Oshin. I hear that. Get to you, Dustin Oshin. Yeah, so you spent four months on a cruise? Yeah, and did some like silks because one of the guys who did the silks was like, hey anybody, I'll show people how to do it.

So yeah, anyway, it's a lot like that. So wait, were you performing the silks? No, no, no, no, no. You were like doing comedy? Oh, they just taught you how to do it. They just taught like a little workshop. It was very sweet. Oh.

And for free, whatever. But but if I may turn it around, you were insanely good on that poll. You were so talented. So let's not dwell on my pole dancing. Thank you. Is have you been doing that for a long time? Tell me about pole dancing. Have you? I have.

I started a little bit before the pandemic. So I've been doing it for a while. I should be a little bit better, but you know, I think we should normalize being bad at our loves or being fine at your hobbies. You know, you don't have to be like perfect and great. Wait, Alex, real quick, we have to take another break. We, Alex, we've talked so much and we do have to wrap it up. OK. Here's a question, though.

Yes. Would you date me? I thought it was why won't you date me? Would I date you? But for the wife in the equation, eliminating her? Yeah, let's kill her. Let's free. Yeah, let's eliminate her. That's pretty harsh.

I was just gonna go with like a sort of sliding doors, maybe she and I never met sort of thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, sliding doors. Yeah, sliding doors. Of course, you kidding me? Absolutely, why, would you date me? Sure, why not? You're a nice, sliding doors. Slide the doors. Of course, you kidding me? Absolutely. Why, would you date me? Sure, why not? You're a nice, fun time.

And you know how to swing around a pole. And again, you were very modest just then in your thing about let's normalize being mad at our loves or passions. Yeah, why not? For the record, and people who watch the movie when it comes out on Blu-ray next year. Only on Blu-ray.

Only on Blu-ray. We'll see. No streaming, no theater. Not a lick of any of that. We'll see that just how modest you were just then because you've got some poll talent. It was so hard. I'm not good at spin poll and it was a spin poll and then the pole is slightly bigger

than the pole I have, so that was a little hard. And also they didn't clean it well. They didn't clean it with alcohol. They cleaned it with cleaning products, and I was like, but you have to get the pole sticky. Anyway, Alex, we do have to wrap it up. We gotta wrap it up. Do you have anything you wanna promote?

I'm giving, I'm teaching a pole dancing class in Brooklyn. Uh-huh. At Poles R Us. No. I, what to promote? Well, on October 25th, I will, Bad Monkey will be long gone. You know what? But you can still watch it on Apple TV Plus

and Crackle Minus. Yes. And I'm doing, as I think you said in your intro, I'm doing a musical called Big Gay Jamboree. The Big Gay Jamboree. The Big Gay Jamboree. Yep, it's right there on your page. What's that about? You wanna tell people a little bit about it

before you leave? Nah. Okay. No, I'm kidding. It's Marla Mendel who wrote and starred in Titanic with a QUE, an off-Broadway smash that's not taking over the world. This is her next adventure.

And she's a modern gal who wakes up stuck in a 1940s musical. And it's super duper fun. And then she keeps flashing back to her like present day with her boyfriend and I play her modern day boyfriend. It's very, very, very fun. It's, you know, one of the producers is Margot Robbie who. Oh, Barbie, she was Barbie.

Oh, is that right? That's right, okay. Yeah, and then she was, hi, Tonya. That's right, those are the things. Wait, Alex. Those are what I know her from. Real quick, I have one last question before I let you go. Okay.

You worked as an acro-dunker for the Chicago Bulls. What does that mean? And did you meet Michael Jordan or Scottie Pippin or Dennis Rudman? That's not how you say his name. But he is a Rudman. No, actually I hear he's lovely. Dennis Rudman.

Never met him nor his airness, MJ. I've met Scotty a few times, and he's a sweetie pie of a man. To answer your first question, it was basically like at Bulls games, there'd be this group of dudes who would come out and run the length of the floor, hit the trampoline and flippity doodah and then dunk a ball, and that was the team I was a part of. So wait, so you are like an acrobat. Acrobat, not a real acrobat.

I was more on the team to like- You're Robin from Batman. You come from a family of acrobats, and- Is that his backstory? Something like that. I've watched so much stuff that I don't care about. And then it comes up in my brain later and I'm like, this thing about DC.

You would, you know what? You should be Robin. I should be Robin? Yeah. But you're the acrobat. Well, I saw you on the poll. You fooled me. You would also, you know what you would be great for

is Catwoman. Oh my God. I'll steal it right from Halle Berry. Don't you think you'd be a great Catwoman? I don't really know. I think I'd have a nice time being Catwoman. I could do it. I could slink around.

Meow. Yeah, see you're halfway there. Batman, meow. Okay, well, I gotta let you go. Bye! Bye, Alex Moffat! Bye Nicole Byer, thank you. Why won't you date me?

Hey, I'll see you at the basketball center. I'll see you right at the basketball center. Bye! Okay, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if you write me something nasty to whywon'tudatemepodcasts at gmail.com, hitting on me.

Truly something nasty. I will read it. This lovely person said, Hi Nicole, I would drag my balls through 20 miles of broken nails and weights chained to each testicle just for a chance to hear you queef through a walkie talkie. And that's funny because why do I have a walkie talkie? How wild. Thank you so much.

Ha ha ha ha ha. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose.

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