Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Childbirth Nightmares, Public or Private Proposal? (w/ Melissa Hunter)

Episode Date: April 11, 2025

Writer Melissa Hunter (Santa Clarita Diet, She-Hulk, Home Economics)  joins Nicole to talk through the messy reality of childbirth - including her 32-hour labor, an unexpected unmedicated birth after her epidural failed, and shitting on the table. They also get into whether proposals should be private or public (including Nicole’s dream proposal), the red flags of dating someone who won’t drop the bits, and the time Nicole got scammed by a hot Instagram dating coach.WATCH this episode on YouTube at: youtu.be/j990cfqbO6wWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Support this podcast an get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Quince: Upgrade your closet this year without the upgraded price tag. Go to quince.com/dateme for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order!» OneSkin: Get 15% off OneSkin with the code DATEME at oneskin.co #oneskinpod» Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/DATEME for 20% off sitewide.» BetterHelp: This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey! Did you know you can watch this entire episode right now? You sure can? Click the YouTube link in the description and come see me! Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Please tell me why. Baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? a podcast where me Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come on a table let it crisp up and tell me that it is a filling. My guest today created and starred in the viral web series Adult Wednesday Adams. She's written for shows like She-Hulk, Home Economics, Santa Clarita Diet, Close Enough, and Maya and Morty. I'm so excited she's here. It's Melissa Hunter! Hi!

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi. How are you? I'm fine. I guess this will be totally outdated, but it's a really weird and bad week this week in America. Listen. Bad for some, great for others. I'm just mostly like disassociating.

I get that. How about you? How are you doing? I'm OK. I'm here. I'm thriving. So are you married, dating, single, don't want to say? What's going on?

I'm married. How long have you been married, Melissa? Three years. Ooh. And we have a two married, Melissa? Three years. Ooh. And we have a two-year-old little boy, so we're really in it, really married. You're really married. Super married.

How long did you date before getting married? We fought, we were together for five years before he got married, but engaged for like two years because it was like COVID times and all of that. Yeah, so we've been together for a while. How did you meet? We met at a pool party. Ooh.

And like we had a lot of mutual friends. I had like seen him do like improv and stuff. Well, I think we like seen each other. And then it was just like intense flirting right away. It was a 4th of July party. And he threw me in a pool, which unfortunately worked. You like a little violence, a little rough housing. I think I like a little bit of a stinker, you know?

He did do this thing though, which was good. I think I like a little bit of a stinker, you know? He did do this thing though, which was good. I was in my bathing suit, so that's positive. But I had like little shorts on and he's like, do you have your phone on you? And I was like, yeah. And I thought he was like going to take and ask for my number, but instead he took it and put it down and then threw you in the pool. Yeah, but we met then, went on like three dates and then didn't date for two and a half years and then came back together.

What happened on the three dates that broke you apart? Well, it's interesting and we have very different understandings of it. But he, so we had gone on these dates and I was like the first date so into it and it just felt like obviously the chemistry is good, we're married now. But I, by date two I was like there's something, you know when you can feel that someone's not leaning in, and the communication in between was a little off, and then I get this text where he says, hey, I think you are so wonderful, I'm not in a place to date right now,

is it okay if we can just be friends? And I took that as like, go fuck yourself. Yeah, I would. I'd be like, okay, then why are you dating? Yeah. Why are you out here in these streets if you're not ready for a fucking relationship? Because that's what dating leads to.

Yep. Yep. And so he tried to be my friend for like two and a half years, and I didn't want him to be my friend. I wanted to like kiss him, you know? So did you like hang out as friends or were you like, no, I'm not doing it? No, we would like run into each other every now and then.

He would send me texts or emails and be like, congratulations on this thing you made. And there was this one time it was, I had gotten this, like my first big TV job, went to New York and on the first night the show premiered, he texted me my name in the credits and was like, congratulations. And I thought it was so weird. I'm like, what's, like my mom didn't even do that.

So I was very confused why this guy wanted to be my friend so badly. And then he saw me on Bumble and took a screenshot and texted me and was like, looks like there are still some gems out there. Can we try this again? Can I take you on a date? And I was really hesitant. Mm-hmm. And I... But I again, wanted to kiss him, so I said yes. On the second, like, it was an amazing first date. Complete different vibes.

He, like, picked me up, we went to this really nice dinner. It was around Christmas, so he, like, took me out to this Christmas thing, and it was just the sweetest bet. It was, like, raining. You know, it's just, like, couldn't have been more perfect. The next day he like called me on the phone. Like it was just very different. Different vibes, okay. And I told my therapist this whole story

because in the interim I had started going to therapy. I was like, I don't get it. I don't get why he didn't want to date me then, why he wanted to date me now. And she was like, you know, you can just ask him. Wild. I know. Wild talk. And so on the second can just ask him. Wild. I know. Wild talk.

And so on the second day, I asked him. What did he say? He said, he was like, well, two and a half years ago, I was just out of a very serious relationship. I was 29. I, he's like, when I went on that date with you, it really messed me up because I was like, this is the kind of person I want to be with,

and I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up. So I wanted to be your friend, and then you didn't want to be my friend. He's like, so I just waited until we were both single, and then I saw you on a dating app and I was like, I have to try. That's sweet. I was like, okay, that's unfortunately a good answer. Yeah, it's a good answer.

And what's his version of it? His version of it was, he's like, I thought I was being honest, that I like thought you were wonderful, and said I wasn't in a place to date, and that I wanted to be your friend. He's like, and then you just like ignored all of my texts and calls. Which is true. Well, cause you have to.

Yeah. You gotta protect your own heart. If you don't wanna be friends, don't be friends. Yeah, and I didn't ever wanna be his friend. I still don't wanna be his friend. I wanna be his wife, you know? Aw. How did you propose?

He proposed early, it was early pandemic. It was like a spring, it was, you know, real peak time pandemic. We had talked about getting engaged. We were, I remember the week before things really shut down. It was at the point where we were talking about rings and I was like, I never get my nails done. I was like, I'm gonna start getting my nails done every week.

Just like a treat. And I got my first and last manicure of like three years in like March 1st, 2020. And then things shut down and we were like, we'll just wait a couple of weeks until things get better. And then, you know, as we learned, that wasn't the case. Months went on, years went on. And I think part of being in that place, we were like, well, maybe we'll just wait until

like months and whatever goes on. And I think it just made it so clear that we wanted, we really wanted to be engaged. And we really, like the profundity of going through that together made us not want to wait. And so it was like the week the beaches opened. You remember when like the beaches opened? Yeah, they're like, yeah, you can go back to the beach now. The beaches are safe. Yeah, the beaches and parks, don't go.

So I grew up way out in Malibu, and my parents don't live there anymore, but there's this beach where I grew up going to. It's really special to me. And we would do these once a week dates where we would dress up and like go to the park. And he was like, what if we did that and like, but we went to the beach where you grew up and maybe we just like dress really nice. And it was sweet because I knew then that he was bad at lying to me. And then we went there and there were like five other

people on the beach and we had to like hoof it down these weird steps and he set up this camera. He was, and in my head I knew it was happening, but even when you know, you're like, it's not, and you're just so nervous. It's like, why don't you stand there, I wanna take a picture of you. And so he sets up the camera and then he proposed

and he was setting up a camera to go every like two seconds because there was no one else to do it. And then we had tested and he lied about the reason we had tested for COVID, but it was so we could see my parents afterward. And so he like set up this outdoor thing for us at my parents' condo and we had like a glass of champagne. That's so sweet, I love it.

Yeah, it was really sweet. That's fun. A random COVID test, dress up, go to the beach. There's a camera, it's not happening. That's so funny that you're like, it's not happening. It's simply not happening. It's so funny because he was acting so strange in the car. I think he, I didn't realize how nervous he was. And he, his nerves just made him really quiet.

I was like, is he mad at me? Did I do something? And we were like, it was taking a while. I was like, maybe we just not do it. Maybe we just not go. And I was like, what? He's like, not go to the beach in my dress. But I want to go to the beach in my dress. His nerves were just like, he was just a pile of nerves. And then the funniest part, I forgot about this, was my friend, you know what,

in that time you don't see anyone and walking down the beach, this small beach, there was eight people, was someone that I knew, my friend Atlee and his girlfriend. They were just like walking by and they come over and keep the distance. And all of a sudden in my head I'm like, are there, is this gonna be like a whole party?

That's not safe. Like, if he's here, that means there are like 17 other people and I was like meeting this girlfriend and we were like so dressed up. Is this a flash mob fucking proposal? Is that what's fucking happening? Exactly, and I would have said no if it was a flash mob. Really?

I can't do a flash mob. Nicole, would you say yes to a flash mob? Absolutely, I'm a people pleaser. And then in private, I'd be like, why did you do that to me? Why would you ever? Do you have like a idea of being proposed? Like would you prefer a big public proposal

or a small private one? I want to get proposed to you on an airplane. I've said this on a different podcast, but I want to get proposed to you on like a cross Atlantic flight for like 10 hours because everyone is stuck there and I want them to like congratulate me. And I want to to keep getting congratulations.

And be like, oh my God, girl, you did it. I think that's a great idea. Everyone needs to celebrate. Or in a restaurant or something where it's very public, but when people, I don't know. Oh, that's a good in-between. Yeah, I want strangers to be happy for me. Yeah, yeah, I love that.

I love that for you. That's all I want. I just want strangers to be like for me. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that for you. That's all I want. I just want strangers to be like, girl, yes, you did it. Wow. Pfft. I thought you were going to say that because of The Wedding Singer. Are you? I am familiar with The Wedding Singer,

and I do know that airplane scene. But yeah, it's nice. Like, it's just the three of them and a bunch of strangers. And that's simply what I want. And I want Biscoff cookies, cause I'm a Delta Diamond Diva. And I want one of them hot chocolate chip cookies, cause they're real gooey.

They're very good. Like they're just out of the microwave. Yes, yes. I do that at home all the time. I just microwave a cookie. Oh. Like five, seven seconds. But I think they're putting them in toaster ovens. Okay, that's classier.

Which is a nice... It's what crumble cookie is trying to do. Have you had a fucking crumble cookie? No, what's a crumble cookie? Oh my God, they're nasty. They're big, nasty fucking cookies. Hopefully, crumble will never want to do ads because they're disgusting. That also sounds like a mess.

I don't want to super crumbly cookies. They're not messy. They're just like, they're so big you have to unhinge your jaw to eat them. Are they like, LeVein's cookies? No. LeVein's cookies are, they're cooked. Yeah. Crumble cookies are not cooked. They're like gooey in the middle.

No, no, I don't want it. In a wild way. I simply don't like them. They're nasty. Well, have you heard of where the best cookies are? Nowhere. In a wild way. No, I don't want it. I don't want it. I simply don't like them. They're nasty. Well, have you heard of where the best cookies are? Nowhere. At Cedar Sinai Maternity Ward. That's where I gave birth.

Everyone told me like, oh, just wait. You're gonna have the best cookie in like the maternity ward after you have a baby. And it was such a crazy time. And then afterward I was like, this is the best chocolate chip cookie I've ever had. It's in like a little muffin container and it's just thick enough.

So it's just like a little bit thicker. Oh. And it's so good. And maybe it's cause you've just like gone through, gone to hell and back. And you're like, you haven't, you've like thrown up everything and then you have this beautiful cookie from a delightful nurse,

but it is... They are known to be the best cookies in Los Angeles. And do you have to ask for the cookie, or do they serve it to you immediately? They did serve it to me, but I was ready to ask for it, because I really needed it. And is this after skin-to-skin contact with the baby, or before? Yes, this is after. You go into the postpartum area, and you're sleeping there, and they give you a cookie. I would truly love... Did you have a C-section?

Well, they put the little curtain up anyway, right? Did you get a little curtain? No, I didn't get a curtain. That's for the C-section. Oh, I see. But I would love it if they just like rip the baby out, it's crying, and they're like, here's your cookie! You did it! Here's a cookie! Just like with the goo. Yeah, just like, ugh. Uh-huh. No, you're still like shitting yourself at that point.

You don't want a cookie. Oh no. It's true. You know, I've heard about it. I've heard about the shitting on the table or whatever. Did you shit? Do you shit on the baby? Oh Nicole.

No, I mean maybe. I honestly, probably you should. Well no, because it's above. Oh yeah, I guess the baby's above. But you can shit and then the baby falls in it. So, yeah, they gotta catch it before the baby falls in it. What I didn't understand, like, you don't know what's going on.

When you're having the baby, like, who the fuck cares what's going on? You can't understand, you're an animal, just like getting this thing out of you, this child, this beautiful child. But afterward, they're just like cleaning up while you're doing skin to skin. And so there was the most amazing nurse in there and she's like cleaning up everything.

And then I realized it's still happening. Like your body is just kind of, like, letting go. And so she, like, changed my stuff, and then I realized it was going on again. I was like, I'm so sorry, I think it's still happening. She's like, that's okay. And she was smiling so much. I was like, you're in such a good mood.

And she's like cleaning up my shit. She's like, I'm going to Hawaii tonight. And I was like, girl, I've never heard of anyone who deserves to go to Hawaii as much as you do. That's pretty funny to clean up shit and be like, I'll be on a flight soon. Yeah, going to Hawaii. I, okay, this is traumatic.

I feel like I've read about it, but like the way you're just speaking nonchalantly about like shitting in front of another woman holding a gooey baby. Yeah. That's, you get pretty intense. How long were you in labor? I was in labor for 32 hours.

Oh my God, that's more than a day. Yeah. Why? Because it was, my little baby was not ready to come out. He just, he was late and then I was not dilated and I had to get induced and it was a very rough labor. So even with being induced, the baby still takes all the time at once? Yeah. Well, it's still just like my body wasn't ready to do it. Yeah. It just took so long. 36 hours. And I just remember someone giving me the mantra,

which is kind of a helpful mantra, the idea being that it ends just saying, like, it's just one day. It's just one day. Anything can happen for just one day. No, it wasn't just one day. That was more than a day. That was a day and a half. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And then you love this kid? I fucking love him so much. That was more than a day. That was a day and a half. Yeah. Oh my God. And then you love this kid? I fucking love him so much. Wow. I mean, I guess you have to. 36 hours is such a long time to be doing any one activity. Did you get an epidural? Yeah, I got an epidural, but then something they don't tell you, and maybe this is a public service announcement,

epidurals can fail, and mine failed. Mine failed at the very end of labor. And I had gone through like other complications that had been a really tough labor, but then finally the epidural had kicked in. I was like, okay, I can finally sleep a little bit. And then all of a sudden I was like, wait, I can feel my, because you like can't feel anything. Like, wait, I can like feel my legs. I can like feel them. And the nurse was like, oh, okay, one second. And I was too rushed out.

I knew something was wrong. And then that was when the end of labor contraction started. So I went through unmedicated labor and had no preparation for it. And they can't give you another epidural? It's just, it takes too long. It takes a long time for it all to be adjusted. And so I just shot to outer space. It was the wildest experience of my life.

And your husband was there the whole time? Yeah. Did he leave it... He didn't leave it at any point to like, go take a shower, go home? He went for a walk at one point, and it was the point that things went badly, and he felt so awful and ran back.

And then I was like the cliche in the movie, just squeezing his hands so hard and screaming at him. Oh, boy. This is truly a PSA for me to never have a child. Like I haven't wanted one for a very long time, but now I'm truly like shitting myself in public, epidural's not working, pushing a baby out. And then I just learned maybe like a year ago that like they can pump the placenta out of you.

Yeah, I mean, I already talked about shitting, so let's just go. I mean, it's... There was a point where this doctor, who was just like, we just kept laughing because he was so cool, like kind of like, seemed like he was a fuckboy in the streets. And he had like a chain on,

and he had like cool glasses. He was like kind of hot. And he was like, okay, I just need to like, let me see. And he goes in and grabs like a giant blood clot out of me. And I don't feel anything because the baby has already come out, things are like open. And he just like grabs the whole blood clot out. Yeah, it's wild.

The neighbor is wild. Palmed a bloodod out of you. Yep. You know, bravo to moms. Bravo to mom, all the moms out there. That shit's wild. I'm so sorry for people who came here for like a sexy dating bucket. No, it's fine.

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where you heard about them. So please support my show and tell them that I sent you. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with Oneskin. Your future self will say, thank you. And we're back. Wow, that really rocked my world. I don't know where to go from here.

We can pivot. No, I wanna hear, no, I'm kidding. I don't wanna hear any more about it. It's really upsetting to me. Do you feel like make an appointment? You don't make appointments to have babies. That's a dumb question. What do you mean?

You mean like on your due date, are you like, all right, let's go. Some people get induced or they have C-section, like a planned induction or a planned C-section, but otherwise it's just like whenever it happens, it happens. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. So in the two years that you were not dating your husband

when he was like trying to be your fucking friend, dude, were you, you were in the streets, you were dating. I was in the streets, yeah. Was there any like bad dates that you went on? Yeah, I mean, not just in those two intermures. I had, like, a good decade of real bad dating. Um, yeah, because I think I'm... We started dating for real when I was 32.

So, you know, I had a good many years in the streets. Were you dating within the comedy world? A little bit, but not... How was that? You know, it was... It's tricky and weird and like, you feel like... You bond over like, just making jokes. I remember once when I was with someone

who we had been out on like a handful of dates, perfectly nice guy, and I said to him, like, I don't think we've had a conversation that isn't a bit. Ah, yeah. And he said, what, what do you mean? And I'm like, no, you're doing a bit again. And I think we, and he's a sweet guy and we're friends,

but like, we couldn't not do a bit. And I think that's hard to get through. Do you like dating comedians? No, I do not like dating comedians. I thought I would, I thought I wanted to date like an actor or something, but there is a thing where it's like, can we just have a normal conversation?

Can you turn off for like 36 minutes or something? Yeah. Like, cause I do love doing a bit. I love doing voices. I love being a little silly goose, but like I also want to feel comfortable to not be a silly goose, to just be a goose. Yeah, to be a soft goose, a sleepy goose. A sleepy goose, a hungry goose.

A sad goose. A sad goose, an anxious goose, you know? Like have all of my goose sides be out there. Absolutely. Was there anybody in those two years that you were like, oh, maybe I'll end up with this person? Not in that time, no. I think I had, like, hopes for, you know, I had a few relationships,

but they were all pretty flash in the pan. Like, they were, they would be like intense in the beginning. And it would start, but it was never more than like four to six months, you know? And I think four to six months is when things are, make that turn to being real and you start to kind of let go of like your best first date and you run out of outfits, you know, and conversations or stories and so you just kind of outfits, you know, and conversations or stories. And so you just kind of get more grounded in it.

And that's when things would often just stop working. You know, three months is my time frame. Three months is when they get annoyed with me. Edie, beedie. Yeah, I same. I think it's also when you kind of can't, if you were putting up any kind of pretense, you can't do it anymore. And I think, you know, especially within a comedy community

or performing, people can see you in a certain way and they think like, that's what I'm getting. And then they don't want any of the real stuff. They don't want the other goose's. Yeah, they don't want any of the goose's. Geese? Geese. The other geese?

But when I'm talking about one goose, specifically, the goose's. Yeah, the individual goose. Yeah. Because a geese, that's a flocking geese. That's a flock. We're talking about individual goose. I'm not a flock.

I'm a goose with many different sides. Ha. Ha. Ha. You're about individual goose. I'm not a flock. I'm a goose with many different sides. You're a fluffy goose. I'm a fluffy little goose. Yeah, so many feathers. I read something that was like, yeah, people can't pretend longer than three months. Yeah. And then I saw this Instagram video.

Instagram's been serving me like so much relationship stuff. It was like, a man could tell you, you know, deep dark secrets, could be intimate with you, could introduce you to his parents, and then still might not be ready. And he hasn't shared his like soft, soft sides with you. And I was like, what? That seems, oh, that.

What? That's insane. That like men have to share like their soft side secrets And I was like, what? That seems... Oh, that... What? That's insane. That like men have to share like their soft side secrets or something. Like his fears, his hopes, his dreams. And even shared that, but has introduced you to his parents. He's like still not ready. And I was like, this is getting more and more complicated.

Yeah, well, I think first of all, that seems like an exhausting take too. Of like having to... All of the different attachment styles and what kind of love language you have and all of it. It's like, I don't know, do they make you feel good? And do you feel good around them? Yeah. But I also think with men, they're raised differently. They're raised not to show their soft side

and not to, they're like, to be strong and to be tough and to not like open up in that way. And so I do think it comes with like, women being too much in the beginning because you just, I'm just used to like, talking about feelings. I talk about feelings with all my friends, like, you know, we, like, I cry with my friends so much.

I can't imagine my husband cries with his friends. No, probably not. Wait, what are you crying about? I don't know, just like life. Just talking about the hard stuff, the real stuff. Yeah, I don't know. See, that's nice. I don't really cry with my friends unless I'm laughing.

But that's a better cry. My friend crossed her eyes in the funniest way the other night and I like cried laughing. It really got me good. It's, I'm a simple woman. Yeah. Oh boy, just one of the simplest.

You're a simple goose. I am a simple little goose. I, uh, this was last year. I bought, okay, I follow this man on Instagram. He's like really hot. And he sits in his car and he's like, this is why you're single. And...

No. And he was like, but I can help. And I was like, you can? And he was like, but I can help. And I was like, you can. And he was like, buy my book. And I was like, okay. So I gave this man, I think 50 of my hard earned American dollars.

And what I got was a, less of a book and more of like an Excel sheet or like a Google doc. And I was like, I can't fucking, and it was like, it was written like a text message. It was like, hey, don't you want a boy? Boys will come. Hey, here's what you do for a boy. Okay, now. And I was like, and it was like in different colors. It was as if someone made a PowerPoint for school.

And I was so upset, I didn't even read it. I like gave him my money and I didn't read it. How would you like give advice to single people? I mean, I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don so upset, I didn't even read it. I gave him my money and I didn't read it. How would you give advice to single people? That was a roundabout way to ask that. Well, that was a real segue. I was really riveted.

Well, probably not in a spreadsheet. He's so hot though. God, if I was a hot guy sitting in a car, I would try to take $50 from people too, you know? A crook. Yeah. Well, I don't have, I'm not a hot guy in a car, I would try to take $50 from people too, you know? A crook. Yeah. Well, I don't have, I'm not a hot guy in a car, but. But you are a married person. I am a married person.

So you got one. Yeah, I did get one and I got a good one. I think advice to single people, well, advice to single people who are like looking for the real thing. I think it's like, find someone that only like, only like, commit to someone or find someone that makes you feel calm. That makes you like, that makes your nervous system feel good.

Because I think sometimes, like, we can get distracted by the intellectual, like you know, our intellectual brain or you know, what, who checks what box and, but I think like, I don't know, I got caught up with a lot of people that I was really into and you get swept up, but I would feel like anxious, like there would be kind of like this anxious pit in my stomach and that was telling me something. And I think what threw me when I first started dating my husband was I just felt grounded and like not nervous. And I mistook that for like at the beginning,

thinking that something was wrong. Like shouldn't I feel crazy? And I think life is so fucking hard. thinking that something was wrong, like, shouldn't I feel crazy? And I think life is so fucking hard, and like, you're gonna get thrown so many things that you want someone that just like makes you feel calm. I get that. I'm a pretty anxious person, but I'm also, I got the ADHD and I'm rowdy.

Oh, I do too. Somebody calm, that sounds nice., I got the ADHD and I'm rowdy. So yeah. Somebody call him, that sounds nice. And you know what? Another thing about that man, I should have looked about, like I should have looked at more of his content because I recently just saw a video where he was explaining his shoes.

He was like, he was like, I buy a pair of shoes from H&M. They're $25. These ones are new. These are my going out shoes. And I buy a pair of shoes from H&M. They're $25. These ones are new. These are my going out shoes. And I just replaced my older shoes as my gym shoes. And then I moved my gym shoes to my older older pair and those are my work shoes.

And then my old work shoes I threw out. So those are my three shoes. And I was watching this and I was like, I can't believe this man tricked me. three shoes. And I was watching this and I was like, I can't believe this man tricked me. I cannot believe this man has a video about shoes, how he buys the same shoes and as he wears them, they have different functions. And I gave him 50 of my hard earned dollars to tell me how to get into a relationship. So, you know, shame on me. Egg on my face. I mean, do you think he has a book on shoes, though?

Probably. I don't think that... I don't know. I think it's good to have practical shoe ideas. I think so, too, but a whole video about it? No. That's it. That was the whole video. And it's just these simple white shoes from H&M. I have been tricked so many times, Nicole, on Instagram for buying shit.

Me, too. Like, it just gets you. It gets you, like, I have like seven things to return right now that I bought on Instagram that was like, this is cute. This is a cute coat. Oh, it was like, it's made out of tissue paper. I have to like send it back within like 17 days

because they have a weird return policy. I got, I bought this like, oh my God, this lady had these like beautiful suits, like they'd be like pink and purple, and it'd be like half pink, half purple, and then like you can mix and match, and I was like, oh my God, and you have my size? This is great.

So I bought it and it was 300 fucking dollars, and I got it and it was like literally from Fashion Nova or Shein, I was like, how dare, how dare you? And then I returned it and I got all of my money back. Right. I think I'm gonna get like $11 service charge for my tissue paper coat.

I'm sorry. It's okay. It was on me, that was my bad. Yeah, but like it's tough. The internet makes everything look better. It really does. Do you post about your relationship speaking of the internet?

Not a lot. I think... What a weird segue. Speaking of the internet. I don't post a lot. I think I used to be more over sharing or sharing more online. And I think, I don't know, ever since I had a kid, I just feel like everything feels a little more private.

But my husband's like hot and I like posting pictures of him because I think he's got a really good face. Aww. And I also think it's good to like share relationships that are positive and like healthy and functional because I, Lord knows I have been in like toxic relationships that I thought were normal. And I think it's good to show models of positive, good relationships, you know? That's nice.

Isn't it funny when you're in a bad relationship and you say something about your bad relationship to a friend and they're like, girl. Uh-huh, uh-huh. What? Yeah, he did what? And you're like, oh no, I didn't, that was, I'm just joking.

It was fine, don't worry about it. Ah! Ha ha ha. Yeah, it's always really, that's the, that's when you know it's bad, when you say something about your relationship and then you realize you have to like, undo or censor it.

Uh-huh. That's always like, number one red flag, you realize you have to like undo or censor it. Uh-huh. That's always like number one red flag. You should be able to like be honest about your relationships and what happened within them, you know? Yeah, but sometimes you just want to be in something so bad that you're like, it's fine. You're like that dog. I'll say more words.

You know the meme of the dog in the fire? Yes. Sometimes you're like that. You're like, everything's fine. And it's like, oh, girl, it's not fine. Yeah. And you don't know until you're out of it. Like you have no idea that it's not that you're in that burning building until you're like,

oh, it's actually like kind of balmy and nice outside of this burning building. Yeah. What they say hindsight is 2020. What they say. until you're like, oh, it's actually kind of balmy and nice out, outside of this burning building. Yeah, what they say, hindsight is 2020. What they say, I'm really not okay. What they say, what them people be saying, hindsight is 2020. I really do believe that. Because everything is so much clearer

once you're out of something. It's really hard to see when you're in it. It's so hard to see when you're in it. And then you, and I think the funny thing is then you start like unloading to your friends or to your therapist or family about all the things. You're like, oh my God, I experienced all these things. But I was like saying it was fine.

And then when I say it out loud to another person and look at their face, I realized it was not. Yeah, I've said a couple of things to my therapist about my last relationship that she said, well, let's just like, let's take some space for that. And I was like, bitch, you take all the space you need. I was in it. I know it's fucked up.

Yeah. Yeah, it's really... It's... Hindsight can be a bitch. It can really, um... It can really make you feel like, oh, wow, I was so stupid. But we're all stupid, because we all just, like, want to be loved. We want to have sex. We want to, like, kiss somebody's face. And so we're going to, like, just make it work. You know, you, like, take all the red flags and you're like,

it's love, it's a heart, you know, and it's... it's not. Isn't it weird to want wanna kiss somebody's face? Like if you really think about the fundamental, like, oh, I really wanna put my lips on yours. I know. I don't know where they've been. No. I don't know what you ate.

Yeah. I don't know. And then I'm like, put a piece of your body inside me. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. And also that you like someone's smell. Yes! That your pheromones are just like,

yes, this sweat is good. Yeah. It's pretty fucked up. It's wild. Yeah. I dated a man where if I didn't see him for a while, I'd be like, I'm gonna sleep with his shirt. Yeah.

So I can still smell him. And then I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, it's- What are you doing, friend? Oh man, it's really fucked up. It's an addiction, but it could, but you know, it can be a good one. It can be a good one if you're in a good one.

Yeah. But if you're in a bad one, ooh baby. ["Sleeping with a Baby"] Honkshoo, honkshoo, hon BABY! Oh, I love sleeping! Like truly, it's one of my favorite activities. Woo wee, being horizontal. But for a while, I started thinking, maybe I didn't love it as much as I used to. I was waking up sore, ouchy, sweaty, eww, cranky, ouch, and I just thought that I was like aging or something, but it turns out I just wasn't getting good sleep But then I tried the helix mattress topper I got the air go align one and wow this thing is thick plush and actually

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ever taken you on? Or like the most romantic thing he's done, besides the proposal, because that was very romantic. Um, most romantic thing... I can't think of a date, but the thing that comes to mind was for our wedding. We rented out a summer camp, which was like super fun. Everyone was staying there and we... It was just like a really special weekend weekend and so for our first dance, we were gonna dance to Ben Fold's The Luckiest.

Don't know it. So it's really, how does it go? Just talk it. I am the luckiest. Da da da da. There's an old man, I don't remember. This sounds nice. It's a very sweet song on the piano.

Do you guys know it? Yeah. All right. Everybody fucking knows Ben Folds. I'm the only loser who doesn't know Ben Folds. He's like one of those white piano guys. White piano guys? All right.

I guess I don't feel bad for not knowing about him. Someone's gonna be really mad that I just... No, that's fine. Now I know he's not a John Legend, because that's a Black piano guy. But is he like a... Is he a funky one, like Elton John? Also a White piano guy. Yeah, he's like a fun, kind of energetic... He was part of this band, Ben Folds Vibe, for a while.

But he surprised me by like, he's a hobby musician and he surprised me by producing his own version for the first dance that he made somehow while we were still in lockdown. And so it was a really sweet surprise. That's so nice. He's good at little romantic surprises. Who said I love you first and how long did it take?

Ooh, good question. He said it. I'm like a firm, don't say I love you first. Is that weird? No, I'll kill myself before I tell a man I love them. Are you kidding? Are you absolutely fucking kidding? No.

I once said I love, no, I once said a boyfriend from like my 20s said I love you and I said it back and it was at his birthday party, I once said I... A boyfriend from like my 20s said, I love you. And I said it back. And it was at his birthday party, I remember. And then the next day, I was like, I was drunk, I didn't mean it. And then we... I was... Like, I still stayed together with him for a while, unfortunately. But then I did break up with him.

Wait, you said, I love you to him. No, he said it first. He said it first. And then I said it. And then the next day, he was like, I didn't mean it, I was drunk. I think it was, he said, I love you that night. And then the next day he was like, I didn't mean it, I was drunk. I think it was he said I love you that night and then the next morning I said, hey, I love you too. And he's like, oh, I didn't mean it.

We I makes, you know, we're so kind to ourselves in our 20s. That's what I love about people in our 20s. Yeah, just really, really good. Yeah, I think we stayed together for too long after that. No, I get it. Yeah. So after that I was like, oh well, he'll meet it one day.

One day he won't be drunk and he'll say it and everything will be great. It'll be good, it'll be good. No, I absolutely fucking get that. Yep. So I was like, you have to claw it out of me after that. But he said it, I think it was like six weeks in. Ooh.

It was pretty early. So it's like a month and a half? Yeah. But he also had two years to think about it. Yeah, he had two years. And did you say it back immediately or did you make him wait? I did say it back immediately, but we were like, so per, it was a different situation. Do you remember this setting? Was it like out in public?

No, we were, I think we were at his apartment. And he was after, like, I think I had met his sister or something. And it was like a nice, it was just like a meaningful moment in our, you know, step in our relationship. That's nice. I think I would need to be told

that somebody loves me in private because if they told me in public, I'd be like, oh my god. I mean, unless it's on an airplane. Oh my god. Well, I feel like I'd be weird on an airplane because then I would just tell people. They'd be like, oh my god, he just said he loves me.

For the first time? For the first time, yeah. Can you believe? Man, I really hope I'm on the airplane when you get proposed to. I'm going to make such a fucking big deal about it. I'm gonna make everyone freak out and do a flash mob for you.

Oh my God, oh my God. I would actually really love that. I'd be like, oh my God, in the sky? There's no rules up here. And nobody would believe me, cause like phones off. I guess you could record in the sky. He just can't make phone calls.

He can't like live stream it maybe. No. But also why can't I make a phone call? I don't know, I've never looked into it. I don't have service up there. Yeah. But I guess if I got on the wifi I could do a FaceTime. Oh God, that would be so annoying.

That would be so. Maybe that's why it's illegal, cause it's annoying. I mean it would be pretty fucking annoying. Right? Does everyone fucking FaceTime me and shit? Ugh, God. No one's really explained why you can't do it.

No, I don't know. I think I just trust it. I think it just seems bad. So it's not annoying. Yeah. But people do other annoying things on planes. What's the most annoying thing you think happens on a plane? I definitely have seen a couple with a blanket

doing something before. No, like hand stuff. I once thought it was, and I just like walked by it and I looked for a second and I'm like, nope, that I'm, I feel so sorry for everyone that's around them. Yeah, that's nasty. I also don't like seeing toes on planes. No, no toes.

We're on public transit. Just get some socks if you're gonna take off your shoes. No, keep your shoes on. We are on public transit. Just get some socks if you're going to take off your shoes. No! Keep your shoes on. We are on public transportation. I don't know. If it's like a 10-hour flight, if you have like good socks on, no toes. I agree with the toes.

Keep your dogs in the shoes. Do you go to the bathroom in your socks? No! That's disgusting. OK. Good. I was going to shame you. Yeah, I understand.

I was going to be like, that is sick. That is disgusting. But if someone told me they loved me out in public, you know that scene in Sex and the City where Carrie's, I think it's the movie, where Carrie's like, big ass need to marry him, and then Charlotte's like, oh my God, my friend dated this man for 10 years,

and he finally said he would marry, that's what I would be like. I would be like Charlotte screaming. Yep. Yeah, I mean be like Charlotte screaming. Yep. Yeah. I mean, I think that's fair. I just get excited about things. Yeah, I think that was the one thing

when we were engaged, we were just engaged all of lockdown. And so I felt like I missed the time to be really annoying about being engaged. No, social media exists. Did you ever do those fucking like Zoom happy hours? God damn. What a time. What a time to be alive.

Like putting on lipstick for a Zoom happy hour. Especially like for part of it, we were in just like this one bedroom apartment and it was just being like, I'm gonna go into the bedroom, like put on a nice top and have a glass of wine. I mean, I would sometimes put on gowns to go to my living room. It's so dark. It was awful.

Yeah, it was really... It was a really bad time. I did do a lot of yoga and got pretty flexible, though. That's cool. Do you still do yoga? No. I don't have the time. I'm outside, baby! I'm doing shit! What do you like doing, exercising? I do pole dancing. Oh, cool.

Yeah. I go to the studio in North Hollywood. Pole dancing, but I've never done it. It's really fun. It's really hard, and it's a little addictive, because you'll learn two things in the class, and you'll be like, I got one of those two things. That means if I come back, I'll probably get that second thing,

and then I can learn even more. You're learning a skill. But I don't know if I come back, I'll probably get that second thing. And then I can learn how to do more. Yeah, you're like learning a skill. Mm-hmm. But I don't know if I'm flexible enough. You are. Everyone is. Okay. You could do a full split. I can't.

You can. Really? There's a cheat. What's the cheat? You just make a K with your legs and lean down, and it looks like a split. Oh my God. There's cheats for everything. I'm learning so much about how to feed my cat.

And how to do the splits. Take a pole class. I mean. I want to. My therapist was like, because I don't find myself inherently sexy. And she was like, but you pole dance. And I was like, yeah, because I'm strong. And she's like, well, you picked something that's

but that is sexy. Inherently sexy. She's like, why don't you like, sometimes like feel your body? And every time I do, I just start laughing. I know, I completely relate. I do not find myself inherently sexy either. And whenever someone is like, a man has told me that I'm sexy, I'm like, fuck you.

Yeah. And it's, but does pole dancing not make you feel sexy? No, not even in like the giant shoes Not even like I'll wear like a bikini because you need skin to grip the pole But I'll be like wearing my giant shoes stomping around where I'm a little bikini and no I don't feel I think it's cuz it's Like I don't have very good coordination So it's like I'm trying to stay stay up in the shoes or I'm trying to like do this move That's like a little hard. But yeah, I don't ever feel sexy.

In floor work, I feel like a toddler. Just like a little kid on their back being like, this! Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, having a toddler. Just kind of writhing around and trying to figure out how to move your body in one direction with gravity. Not sexy at all. And then I'm learning how to go upside down. And every time I go upside down, I'm like, oh, that's not sexy. The noises I make now as I get older, just like lifting something

it's or sitting down or coming up from sitting down, it's they're not sexy noises. No. The other night I was sitting and I was trying to get up and I was like, all right. And I rocked back and up and I was like, oh, no, you're getting old. You have to just stand up, just stand up like a normal person. So then I sat back down and then I stood up like a normal person and it was hard. Oh, my God.

They mount have to shoot myself alone. They mount have standing from sitting after you with a toddler all the time from the floor. It really makes you aware of how old you are or how old I am. Because it's just, it's a lot of... Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. Well, we've come to the end.

Do you have anything you want to promote? I don't have anything I want to promote. Hey, that's okay. Yeah. Wait. You can promote She-Hulk and Home Economics and Santa Clarita Diets. That's true. Or you can get some residues.

Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Watch Santa Clarita Diet. Watch She-Hulk. Watch Home Economics. You can watch Shotgun Wedding, which I was in. Ooh, that's fun. I think that's it. Yeah, otherwise I'm just like developing stuff. So maybe in a year you can watch something that I'm working on.

But hey, until then. Until then. Yeah. I have another question. Yes? Would you date me? Oh my God, Nicole, of course. I would be so honored to date you.

Thank you so much. What a treat. Thank you so much for doing this. Thanks for having me. This is so fun. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can rate it, you can subscribe. Give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. If you write me a dirty message, hitting on me,

to whywon'tudatepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read it. We're running low, so please submit. This is dearest Nicole and her wonderful producer. Her name is Mars. Our romantic rendezvous begins with you putting on an outfit I've selected. A sexy teacher ensemble with a tight pencil skirt, a tailored blouse, and a pair of glasses to centrally take on and off when thinking gets too much. That's funny.

We'll meet in the library to work on our project. Me, a graying bookish daddy type, will pull out your chair and ask you if you're ready to do some hard work. For hours, I'll pick your brain and hear your most intimate thoughts before we head to the auditorium to present our masterwork. The projection screen will descend and our PowerPoint on vaginal health.

Ha ha ha ha ha! And what to do, ha ha ha ha ha! And what not to do with clam chowder begins for our audience, comprised of people who have submitted these filthy ideas, offering them a safe space to ask questions about what cream-based soups can be served out of a coochie cornucopia.

Answer, none. Afterward, we fuck hard, but regular. What the fuck? And my vintage BMW in the parking lot outside, a nice restaurant which the valets watch. That's how you treat a woman of substance, I tell them as I hand over my keys. Oh no, you laugh too hard, an incredible hulk out of your tight blouse during dessert, and get chocolate sauce all over your titties.

Thus ending the perfect evening from Joseph. Thank you, Joseph. That was a nice story. Joseph. Well, bye. Bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer.

This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Cometay. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then!

Okay, bye bye! That was a Headgum Podcast.