Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Chubby Chasers (w/ Jana Schmieding)

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

Comedian Jana Schmieding (Reservation Dogs, Rutherford Falls) joins Nicole to discuss chub chasers, the difference between being fetishized and being genuinely wanted, and what it was like to date a man with body shame. She shares what it was like to date a sacred Native man, including a agonising "breakup ceremony" he put her through. Plus, they break down Curvy Wife Guy’s BBW bop, try to understand whatever the hell is happening between Kanye and Bianca Censori, and Jana shares her new daily ritual - a 6 seconds kiss on the lips to keep love alive.Watch this episode on YouTube at: https://youtu.be/LfXEys73G_UWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey! Did you know you can watch this entire episode right now? You sure can? Click the YouTube link in the description and come see me! Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me?

Please tell me why. Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was still single, even though you could come in the neck of my shirt and say, that's a tag. My guest today, my guest today is an actress that you've seen on Rutherford Falls, Reservation Dogs,

and you can hear her in the new, you're in Dog Man? I did, I forgot, how do you know the bat? You're in Dog Man? Ah! Oh, I forgot, how do you know the bat? You're in Dog Man? Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, I can't remember what movie I was seeing, but I like went into the lobby and I looked up

and I went, Dog Man, now that's a movie for me. Ha ha ha ha. You know, I'm glad that you said it because I don't know if it's a movie for me. I don't it's a cop dog I think. I think it's a man who turns into a cop dog. Yeah, a man cop and his dog and they merge bodies. That is for me. She's also the host of the podcast Sage Based Wisdom.

It's uh oh. Janice meeting. as sage-based wisdom, it's, uh-oh. Janna Schmieding! Hi! Okay, I have a question. Are you dating? Are you single? Are you married? Are you on the apps? What's going on?

I am in a relish. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah. From the apps or from real life? From the apps, but I do like to lie about it and say that we met in the Isles of Erewhon. Oh my God, you know why I like that lie? Because both of you have so much money.

Exactly. You have so much money that like, Exactly. Because like grocery shopping takes time out of your day. So like you were leisurely in the most expensive grocery store. Just perusing those expensive as I am. Having a meat queue.

Totally having a meat queue in between the like $25 organic granola in a mason jar and the like $58 cacao nibs. A goal for me is to do my regular shopping at Erawan. Me too, oh my gosh, can I tell you something? Yes. I got an, in order to try to manifest this fucking goal, I got an Erawan membership? They have a membership?

Yes, I don't know why. And what do you get? You get, it costs $200 a year. And I think that it get, you get nothing, but the feeling of being possibly rich. Wait. No, you get certain deals. A membership?

They like, they'll be like, members only. To a grocery store. It's a real fuck, much like the grocery store itself, it is a scam Yeah, and that I fell for and willingly paid them because like a membership to a gym I'm gonna use the equipment I come back and the equipment will be there for me to use but at no extra charge I use this membership. I buy the milk. I drink the milk. I gotta buy more milk. Yeah, you know, mm-hmm It is a scam. I argue that a gym is a scam as well, because who's really using the gym membership?

Are you? No. I was a member at Planet Fitness. All bodies welcome. I don't know if that's their tagline. But I like that all their machines were purple and that it was $20 a month. But let me tell you, those motherfuckers got me for all my pennies. Oh, yeah. And for years.

For years. And then I joined LA Fitness out here. I hadn't gone since before the pandemic. I know. And guess when I discovered I still was a member of this year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did the same thing for LA Fitness. I hate that shit. It's terrible. But also the gym is disgusting. And I don't know how you self-identify.

I identify as a fat lady. Same. Okay. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. A big old fat lady. A big old fat, fat lady. But anytime I went to the gym,

people would be like, good job. Oh my God, I know. That's not a way to get me back here. That's a way to make me feel very bad. I know, I hate the way that they greet you as you leave the gym. They're like, namaste.

Mm-hmm. You know? Like, you've really leveled up today, girl. You did it. And I was like, please stop being encouraging. Like, I went to the LA Fitness in Hollywood, on Hollywood Boulevard, so sometimes Hello Kitty would come in off the street for a shower. Oh, God! We don't have to encourage me to come back. I made the choice to be here.

No. I don't want to be here. I couldn't do a Hello Kitty gym. And I once saw a man Winnie the Pooh-ing at, just a shirt, sitting on the equipment. No! Oh, no, no, no. And I remember-

Wait, bare balls, just right there on the bench? Yes, balls out, dick out. Just sitting down, maybe moving a little bit and going to the next place and moving. And nobody stopped him. He like went into the fitting room, the dressing room, the locker room, like of his own volition.

I think he was like, well, I've had enough. He's like, god, I've sweated on all of the equipment. I better go, I guess, wash these nards. Wash these naked ass nards. Gotta wash my nards. Well, you know, maybe he was a trend center. Did you see Kanye West's girlfriend or wife? I don't know who she is.

I don't know who she is either, how they self-identify, but that was brutal. It was wild. Did you guys see it? Yeah. that was brutal. It was wild. Did you guys see it? Yeah. Oh my God. Brutal.

This will be a few months after. Do you want to recap for the listeners what happened? Oh, okay. So guys, I'm sure a thousand more awful things have happened in this I guess, because every day is another notch into hell. But also this really, this is kind of culturally sticking out in our minds.

Kanye West. We've been watching this Kanye West shit unfold for such a long time. Okay, here's the thing. I feel like if you talked to him, he would be like, yeah, I dressed her. But he didn't dress her. She's not even wearing, she's wearing like a...

She's wearing a pantyhose. A pantyhose dress. One pantyhose. Yes. It's the thinnest pantyhose you've ever seen in your life. So thin! And then I was like, wait, is this visually attractive? Like, her titties are all shmushed,

and you don't even get to see how round and nice they are. We're getting full beef. Yeah, full bushless beef. Bushless beef. Bitch, aren't you cold? The cold, she must have been freezing. I mean, listen, all I could look at really was her face. Her tense face.

Her tense face that was just like, I'm standing here for the picture. All I could look at really was her face. Her tense face. Her tense face that was just like, I'm standing here for the picture. And Kanye to the side being like, yeah, yeah. Let them take your picture. It was bad. It was very, very bad. If my partner ever was like,

I want you to dress up in this pantyhose and go out in public and you'll take off your coat and you're gonna show everybody your whole body, I would be like, well, he keeps dating women who don't seem to talk. So maybe there is no discussion. Do you think they talk at home? I think that that's part of it. Well, I have also seen follow-up pictures of them

at the after party where she's also wearing basically a one-piece swimsuit to a party, and they're just like making out on the dance floor and he's grabbing her ass. And it seems like they kind of are talking and laughing. So it is a publicity stunt for sure. and he's making out on the dance floor and he's grabbing her ass. And it seems like they kind of are talking and laughing. So it is a publicity stunt for sure. And I, but I also feel strongly that like,

the, it's, it's a controlling, the voiceless model girlfriend is not a cool look in 2025. No, we're in the future. You can talk. Yeah. Oh, so she like blew him in a gondola. I was like, what? In a gondola?

Yeah, just like raw dogging it right out in the open, going down those canals. Like there's a man in a striped shirt. He's trying to sing his little opera song. Why would you do that? And all you can hear is gargling Kanye's nasty balls. Which is just so gross. I think Kanye is disgusting.

And here's the thing, he did such good music. I know. I liked him for a long good time. Listen, so many of our men in music have really fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Ah. Hmm.

Ha ha ha. Speaking of men in music, my current boyfriend is a man of music. Oh, is he? He's a bass player. He's an electric bass player. Oh, that's fun. How did you guys meet?

Oh wait, you met on Airwond. You met at Airwond slash. In-app. Yes, no, we did meet on, what's the app? The Hinge. I like Hinge, but I just saw a video on Instagram saying Hinge is the worst, this, that, and the other. But anyone I've dated more than two months,

I met on Hinge. I think they're all the worst. Yeah. I think they're all, here's, I mean, the gamified dating app world is, we have to look at it for what it is. It's a game on our, it's a video game on our phones that is matching us based on technological,

algorithmic, weird shit that I don't fully understand. And it's a lot of appearance-based things, which, you know, as a fat lady, does not work in our favor. Literally ever. Except for this one time. And it's because he is into a bigger girl. My man. He likes... Did you ask or was it volunteered information?

I asked. I think, I mean, tell me in the comments. I feel like all fat ladies are like, is it your preference or is this like an experiment? Like what is it? Like after like a month or two, and it's not that I don't find myself attractive. I'm just making sure that you're not gonna do something mean.

Yeah, that you're not exploiting me. Yeah, yeah, no. I mean, we've had actually several, several talks about it. I still ask him questions about it because I'm so fucking curious. Like, how has this... How have you become this, you know? How have you become this? How have you become this, you know? And he-

How have you become this? How have you become this? How have you become this? Whatever you people are. Because I think that there is, he has like, I don't wanna like blow up his spot at all, but to add some context to the conversation about dating apps and fatness, or dating and fatness in general, or romance and fatness, this is a person who I really never

thought I would ever meet, like a person, a man that is like this. My only experience had up until him has been men who, it seemed like, I'm putting up with you. I think your personality is very attractive, but I'm gonna sort of have to put up with the shame that I feel fucking you. Or I'm just not gonna indulge in your personality at all. You're truly just maybe even a friend.

I don't know, you know? You're truly just maybe even a friend. I don't know, you know? You're a friend that I'll fuck occasionally and deal with. Or you're a friend that I'll flirt with and never actually fuck. And say it's because I don't want a relationship and then a month later I'm gonna get into a relationship with a thin woman who is 20 years younger than me.

It's very specific. Yeah, listen, I mean, I feel like I've been down this road so many times, it's like I've been down this road so many times. It's like my whole dating experience. But when I met Steve, he was just like very obviously attracted to me, you know? And was not afraid to tell me how attracted to me he was. And it was like, oh, like this weird feeling of like, oh my God, like unashamed, you know?

Would scream it on the hilltops. And so I had so many questions. I was like, how are you not ashamed? You know, and I'm not saying like, you know? No, I get it because there's a societal pressure for a woman to look a certain way. I just showed my boyfriend. Do you remember the man who loved his curvy wife? Oh, do I? I have made so many Twitter jokes about I love my curvy wife.

About Robbie Tripp? Robbie Tripp, I love my curvy wife. Oh, I know his name. He makes music. And it's about his curvy wife? Yeah. Well, it's about curvy women in general. Okay. It's one of those things where he got famous for one thing, but went viral for one thing, and he was like, -"Whoa, I'm not a three-dimensional person." -"I'm gonna lean in." Um... Let's keep it one-dimensional. There's this one song that I actually think is a bop.

It's like, it's like the big girl bop. No, no. I reject this. No, I'm gonna play it. The big girl bop. No, it's really fun this. No, I'm gonna play it. The big girl, bah. No, it's really fun. Oh my God. To my boyfriend at home, take notes.

You have to hear it. And I said to my boyfriend, I was like, if you ever post about me on Instagram, can you say you love your curvy girlfriend? Oh my God, and did he say yes, I will? He said only if I buy the outfit that they're wearing in the picture. And I was like, he's wearing a white polo and pink shorts. Don't test me.

Halloween? I'll get it. Are you kidding? Hold on, let me find Robbie Tripp. Like it's, I really like it. Okay. Dress box tattooed on the tan lines. It's a big girl banger. Banger. It's a big girl banger. I really like it. Okay

Banger it's a big girl banger. It's a big girl banger. Yes Stretch marks on the what? Wait, did she get stretch marks tattooed? No, I think he's saying stretch marks comma tattoos on the F We gotta dissect this stretch marks Big boobs are natural Oh, get tickets to the Me Show. I'm gonna beat up. I'm such a dumb. You know what? It actually kind of is a fucking bop.

Like if anybody else besides Robbie Tripp made that, like let's say Kanye did a song like that or Kendrick. I think we'd all be really excited about it. I think we would and I think that it would change the culture in our favor. The fact that Robbie Tripp is doing it now is does not bode well for us and also

He like he'll make videos It'll just be a lady with a fat ass like running that way and then he's like His eyes go Is that what your boyfriend's like whenever you walk past? He's like, aah! He fucking better be. Oh my God.

No, but he is, he has experienced sort of the scene of, dare I say, chub chasing. He has been sort of the scene of, dare I say, chub chasing. He has been to like bars, like meetups. And he was really kind of grossed out by it because it was a lot of thin or straight sized men and fat women. And so he was just like, this is not what I am.

This is not an authentic experience. I'm not fetishizing this. No, he's not into the fetish scene. He thought it might be a cool opportunity to meet women who were fat, but not like, it was like kind of sleazy and more sexy than I think he was. Oh, yeah, like more sex forward than like, oh, I want to meet somebody I want to date.

Right, right. So yeah, that is, and he like, has dated other fat women in his life and all of his relationships have been with Curvier at the bottom level, Curvy. I, let's see, I dated this dude, because I love finding out what ex-girlfriends look like. I dated this dude who dated a curvy girl before me,

and then a girl in between me and her size after me. I was like, interesting. And then I dated this other guy who had dated, not fat, but like bigger than most, and then me, and then the woman he dated after me was like a little smaller than me. And I was like, huh, what is the, I simply couldn't figure out the correlation.

I think it was God being like, stop looking. I think, here's what I think. Yeah, truly. Because I also one time was scrolling on, stop looking. Like bitch, stop looking. Yeah, truly. Because I also one time was scrolling on, you know how on Instagram you can see what your friends have liked? And sometimes it will come into your algorithm

and you'll be like, oh, this person liked this and I'm following that person. So I'm seeing it now. Well, one time I scrolled past a little Instagram post from Tiffany Amber Thiessen sitting on her bed with like naked with her covers. And the caption was like, this is 50. And it was just like sexy Tiffany Amber Thiessen.

And I had, and I'm not following Tiffany. I should, she is looking great. But it was my boyfriend who had liked it. And so it came into my feed. And I said, jokingly, I said, hey, you know what I saw today on the gram? I saw old Tiff. Old Tiff.

This is 50. And he was like, oh no, oh no. And I was like, it's fine. It's fine. Like, people like things. I don't give a fuck. Like, I'm not threatened by your... And he's like, she's a great actor. That's very... He was like, the picture had nothing to do with it. I don't like things. I don't give a fuck. I'm not threatened by your, and he's like, she's a great actor. That's very, he was like, the picture had nothing to do with it. I just really think she's a great actor.

I go, yeah, she acts great in that bed. But I will say, I have asked him so many times, talk to me about what is it that you, growing up as an adolescent, what shaped this? And he was like, I just have always been into it. He was like, when I was a young dude, this is back when, like, porn was not online. It was like, you had to go to the library.

You had to rent. And you had to buy magazines. And he said, he's like, there were certain magazines like Juggs, for example, which is jugs for boobs. But he was like, those are kind of like the only magazines that had curvy or bigger women. Oh, interesting. And so he would be into it, but it was hard to find.

And he was like, I just have never developed shame about it. Huh. Which I think is so developed shame about it. Huh. Which I think is so interesting. I do love that. I dated a dude... who I was like, do you prefer bigger women? And he was like, yes. And I was like, why? And he was like, I don't know. Yeah.

I felt like he thought I was shaming him, but I was genuinely just like curious. Curious. Because he was like the first person I dated who... thought I was shaming him, but I was genuinely just curious. Curious. Because he was the first person I dated who, I guess was like, I don't know. I stopped feeling self-conscious about ordering something other than a salad. Right.

Which is so funny to be fat and order a salad and be like, I don't know how I got this way. I was, this is simply all I eat. Do you believe me? It's my hormone. I got this way. I was, um, this is simply all I eat. Do you believe me? Like, it's my hormone. Like, it's... I swear to God I'm not gonna order five orders of Kung Pao chicken once you leave tonight.

Like, it's so unhinged that it's like, oh my God, I'm so full. Like, he was first person, I was like, I'm gonna gobble all this shit down and I simply don't care. And then he'd be like, yeah, eat. Like, do you want some of mine? Are you okay? No, I'm fine.

I ordered enough. But it is weird to like, I feel like when I was younger, I would date dudes who like wouldn't even hold my hand in public, which is like a wild thing to be like, you'll fuck me, but you won't hold my little fingies. Truly. And what it is, what I have come to learn

through dating him is, oh, there are so, we have, I as a woman have internalized so much of this shame. And I'm the one who is like carrying the shame for them. I'm like doing their own work for them, you know? And like, and from what I, he, my boyfriend tells me that there are so many fucking men, straight men in our world who are just into a bigger woman.

And of course they would be. There's so much cushion for the pushin'. It's hot as hell. Yes. It's fucking hot as hell. A lot of men stared at me today when I was wearing my little dog sweat shirt. But also I was holding an ice cream cone.

And everyone kept smiling at me. I mean, yes. Having the nicest of times. I probably could have gotten a new boyfriend just right outside. 100%. I truly believe, like, I feel strongly, and this is boyfriend just right outside. 100%, I truly believe. Like, I feel strongly, and this is not just because

I have a boyfriend after being single for however, 15 years or whatever, but I feel like the culture is changing and I don't know, I don't think it's changing because Kim Kardashian got butt implants. I think it's changing because fat women are more visible and I think because somehow we are encouraging, that visibility is encouraging men to dispel their shame about loving us and wanting us.

And I mean, you see like the Venus de mean, you see the Venus de Milo, or not Venus de Milo, the Venus, the oldest statue artifact to ever be found by archeologists is this, that little fat woman who has a big, what is it called? Venus. It's called the Venus figure. Venus figurine.

It's a Venus figurine and it was found in, I believe in Africa or on the African continent. And it is a figurine of a fat woman with big saggy titties. Oh yeah, I love her. She's so cute. She's so cute. But that is like the first deity to be uncovered from the earth.

Well, I wanna figure out who is the person who is like thin. Thin's what I want. Don't we wanna all be very thin? Cause I think fat people are just cuter. I agree, I agree. There's so much like, it's just like diversity, you know? It's like body diversity is interesting. It's fucking cool and cute to look at.

And also our personalities are on fucking point. Yeah. Yeah, gotta be funny. Truly. You can't be fat and not fun. You can't be fat and a piece of shit. No. You know what's interesting? You say that, I believe that in my heart until I watch 600 Pound Life, where I'm like, boy, oh boy, these people are fat and assholes. Yeah.

Like, some of them are just so rude. We are not a monolith. We are fat people are not a monolith. There was one episode where this man was truly like 800 pounds. And I'm not shitting on, you know, the weight. There was one episode where this man was truly like 800 pounds. And I'm not shitting on, you know, the weight. The weight. I'm shitting on this man's response.

So, Dr. Now was like, you should have lost more weight. He's like, you're eating too much. And this man who's over 700 pounds said, well, I don't want to be malnourished. And I was like, hmm. Hmm. Ah. I don't think that's gonna happen.

No. I think you're okay, my friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hmm. Ah. I don't think that's gonna happen. No. I think you're okay, my friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you'll be anemic or iron deficient, but you're not gonna be malnourished. The body will eat itself, I hear. I hear that too. And I hate to try.

Ooh. Wait, Janna, we have to take a break. I'll go. Sip that water. Wait, so you were single for how long before meeting your current partner? I feel like I don't know exactly how long because I had relationships that were sort of kind of relationships. I like dated a little bit,

fucked around a little bit, but there was never a meaningful relationship. And I want to say that that was like roughly 15 years of being a single woman. That was like pretty much all through my like 20s and 30s. What's like a memorable date you went on, good or bad? You know, I had, I actually went on some dates with this, when I first moved to LA, which was in 2016,

from New York, he was a fat black man. And he was so goofy and fun and cool. And I was like, oh my God, like this guy is a match. Like it's a match. And I was really into him. And he actually, this is an interesting moment when I, this is like kind of the first man that I dated where I was like, oh, I feel like I'm taking care of your body issues

more than like your, like he was really insecure about his size. And I found myself constantly being like, it's okay, like I think you're hot and I'm into it, like whatever, it's not a big deal to me, or but I know that it's not about me, whatever. You know, I was just trying to like be cool about it, but it came not a big deal to me, but I know that it's not about me, whatever. I was just trying to be cool about it, but it came up a lot.

But anyway, he ended up ghosting me. We dated for like a month and a half, and he ended up kind of like ghosting me, and it was one of those situations where I was like, was I like completely delusional about how we felt about each other? It just seems like we were having such a good time. That was the last person that from that,

that was like 20, maybe 2016, top of 2017. I turned off the apps forever. Really? I stopped. Oh my goodness. No apps. No apps. No apps through the Trump presidency

and well into the Biden's. I, no, I was dating, I said, the world's ending. I'm getting fucked. I was on those apps. Ooh, I was on them. I only deleted them, I think it was the beginning of 2023. I like got rid of them and I was like, no more, can't do this. I've actually never dated another fat person.

I've just never matched with another fat person. I've swiped yes on fat people. They don't match with me and I don't know why. Same. That was the only time. It was very interesting. I also, okay, this is going to sound insane. I don't really understand having body issues. I don't anymore, but I do also.

Well, yeah, growing up I did, but once I hit like 30, I was like, well, this is it. Truly this is it. I'm gonna wear the bikini, I'm gonna show my arms, and if you don't like it, then like, I don't know what, you could go home, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Like, I remember being in Palm Springs

and I was wearing a bikini and this like, I think he was French or something, he wasn't speaking English, but he was like staring at me and he was with his family and I was like, you like what you see? And he like got startled and I was like, oh, then maybe you did? Yeah, he probably did.

That's what I'm realizing is like, oh, my body issues are like actually the opposite of how people see me. Yeah, I think more people think more things are beautiful. I don't know. It's also like a tough conversation. It is a tough combo and it has many layers and levels. And I also think that depending on

the intersections that happen with it, that goes into it, it's like, dating and bodies, woo, dating and bodies is such an interesting thing for me, and something that I'm so fascinated by, because regardless of whether we have insecurity about our bodies, all of us have insecurity about sex. And certain shame, like dark things about sex.

And how those things kind of collide is fucking fascinating. We should all be in therapy. Oh, boy, boy. Okay. You're a Native American, yes. I've asked other Native American people and I've been told Indian is also fine. How do you feel? I think, yeah.

I mean, I say Indian when I'm talking to other Indians. Okay, that's essentially what he was getting at. He was like, call me whatever, but he's like, I grew up as an Indian, and then all of a sudden I was Native American. I know. And it's like, I just, I say Indian. Yeah. I think Native American is I know. And it's like, I just, I say Indian.

Yeah. I think Native American is maybe the corniest of all. In my, in currently. And... I think African American's pretty up there. Oh, yeah. I mean, in terms of my... Yeah. Anything with American on it, it's like, oh, come on. We don't have to put the American on there.

You just say I'm black, please. Truly, I'm like, just call me. I would rather somebody call me an Indian before they called me a Native American. Just for PR reasons alone. I don't want to be associated, man. Yeah. It's not going great here.

We didn't come up with that name. Did your parents ever pressure you to be with another Indian person? No. I think, actually I have a very stark memory of my own native grandfather saying, don't you ever get involved with another native man. He will get you pregnant and leave you. Wow. So, but I have dated one, I have dated one native man, So, but I have dated one, I have dated one native man,

and it was a little too sacred for me. Okay. He was really on his like native discovery journey. So he really wanted me to like, let's just say that he, when we broke up, when I broke up with him, which was but a month or two into the relationship, this was in college, he performed what I believe to be a fake and invented breakup ceremony

on me in my home. Wait, this means the icon. That's so fucking funny. It was so funny, but also I had just gotten home from a very long dress rehearsal for a play that I was doing, and I was so fucking tired. All I wanted to do was smoke a bowl and go to freaking bed, and this guy comes over.

I had already dumped him during the day at school and said, let's say goodbye. He comes into my home carrying this eagle feather fan, which is, Yes. Yes. If you know, you know. A big ceremonial eagle feather fan.

And he comes in to my room and he says, we need to talk. He sits down with me on my bed and I'm like, okay, here we go. He sits down next to me and he's sort of like, are you sure you wanna make this decision? We are meant for each other. He's crying. I'm trying to rummage up tears because I don't want him to feel bad.

I mean, that's the woman I am. I don't want you to feel bad. You're very giving. I love that. I'm very generous with my feel bad. I mean, that's the woman I am. I don't want you to feel bad. You're very giving. I love that. I'm very generous with my fake emotions. I love that. So I was really like, I do think it's the right thing.

Oh, I'm so sorry. And he was like, when he held out, do you know what abalone shells? Abalone is the shell that in the inside of the shell, it looks sort of like spilled gasoline. Oh yeah, okay. So the abalone shell has a side that it connects on,

and a lot of native people use an abalone shell to burn sage or sweet grass or whatever medicine, you know, and they use it to like snub out the burning sage, let's say. So he had brought over to my home two halves of an abalone shell, and he had put like herbs and rocks and fucking bullshit medicine into each side. And he held one side to me, he gave one side to me and he held the other, and he said,

if you do not wanna be with me anymore, turn the shell so that it doesn't, the ends don't match. Turn it in my own hand so the ends don't match. In your own house? In my own home, he made me turn the shell. And I said, turned. And then what did he do?

And then he acted as if his estate had gone through his heart. Wait, I love this man. This man's very funny. Have we kept up with him? No, because you know, he had an assault allegation after he dated me. He had a full on assault allegation.

This guy got kicked out of school. Yikes. Oh yeah, I willingly fucked that guy. Wow, but you dodged a bullet. on a sold allegation. This guy got kicked out of school. Yikes. Yikes. Oh yeah, I willingly fucked that guy. Wow, but you dodged a bullet. I kind of dodged a bullet. I sort of like willingly jumped into the bullet and then boy, as soon as the turning the shell happened.

The best part of the story though, I have to tell you this, is we went through this whole ceremony bullshit and it took forever. It was like a two hour conversation that we had to have to really break up with him. The ceremony was two hours? Yes, he was making it last so long

and I was like, I'm so tired. I gotta get high and go to sleep, man. And he finally like, you know, when the ceremony was over, he had successfully burnt, like taken a lighter to the medicine in the shells And he finally like, you know, when it was ceremony was over, he had successfully burnt, like taken a lighter to the medicine in the shells and like put it, dumped the ashes into a picture, into the back of a framed picture of himself to give to me. I'm telling you, psychotic.

Iconic. That is so funny. I'm gonna burn this and then I'm gonna give her a picture of myself with the ashes of something, or the ashes of our relationship. Yes. Oh my God. And it's framed. Do you still have it?

No. Maybe. I don't fucking know. I hope not. That's bad medicine. I hope you do. I don't want that curse. I think it's so, oh yeah, maybe it is a curse. Yeah, I feel like that's curse vibes. That's so fucking funny. But then he was like, he stood up solemnly.

And as if we wouldn't see each other, because we knew each other through the Native American Student Union at school, where we were always hanging out. I was constantly organizing there. So as if we weren't going to see each other the very next day, he stands up and he says goodbye. And he goes in for a hug and gives me this long hug and then he turns and leaves and he walks out the front door

and it's snowing in Eugene, Oregon, which is like, it never snows in Eugene. So it was just like so fucking sacred. Like it was just the most native-y moment. It's as if he wrote this in a script and it's happening, it's unfolding before him, and he leaves, and he walks out to his car, and I go back into my bedroom and I'm like, time to get ripped.

Pull up my big bong and I'm just like, bluh, you know, and I like lean back, my bed is against the wall with the window on it, so there's a window right here. And I lean back and I'm like, that was wild, man. Holy fuck. And I hear this ting ting ting ting ting on my window and I open the blinds and it's him and he goes, I forgot my keys.

I, he blew it. Love him, even though he's guilty of assault. Yep. Mm-hmm. Pre-knowing that, I really liked him. Very, truly unhinged. Unhinged. He, that's not the only ceremony he made me do. There were many.

What other? Many? One time he made me go to the beach with him, the Oregon coast, which is crazy cold. So cold. So cold, it's so cold. It's so cold. It the beach with him, the Oregon coast, which is crazy cold. So cold. So cold.

It's so cold and windy and just gloomy. The Oregon coast is not to be fucked with. It's not inviting, but he took me to the Oregon coast to do some kind of a cleansing ceremony where he jumped into the ocean naked and made me sit on the shore and wait for him and he like did a little polar plunge in the fucking ocean, came out fully naked and then he didn't even bring a towel. He had like forgotten this crucial thing and instead he had a wool Pendleton blanket that he dried off with. A wool blanket!

After being in the cold ass ocean of Oregon! He's really fucking funny. Dude, this guy was insane! He's great. He had no idea what he was doing, too. The guy was improvising these massive sermons. And I love that. He's like, I wanna do a polar plunge. It's a ceremony. Yeah, exactly. I love that. What else do you do? Oh God, uh, here's a non ceremonial tidbit about him. He only listened to one song ever and it was chumbawumba

Down but I get up again. Every time we got into his giant truck, he would just be like, you drink a whiskey drink? You drink a vodka drink? It was just like constant Chumbawamba, dude. I was like, who even listens to Chumbawamba once? I'm obsessed with him. I love a misbehaving weirdo,

but not like that kind of misbehaving. You did say he assaulted somebody. That's not fun. I don't like that. I don't co-sign that. But listening to Chumbawumba, fun. Coming up with ceremonies to just do what you want, funny. That's very funny.

I went through a Limp Bizkit phase rather recently where anytime we got in the car, me and my boyfriend, Limp Bizkit would be playing the album Significant Other. Ooh, it's one of my favorite albums. Just going hard. I love it. And then he was driving once,

and he had a 90s playlist on, and I think Nookie came on, and then he was like, and we're skipping, and I was like, oh! Oh! I was like, oh my God, is that like a blow to me? And I was like, no, Nicole, we went on a two hour drive where we listened to the full album, and then I was like, play it again!

And then every time he got in my car for like three months, it was always playing. It makes sense that he was like, not again. Like he had PTSD from me being like, I did it all for the nookie, the one. Yes. Fred Durst has a movie called Fanatic. Ooh.

I am the only person who has ever seen it. It stars- I've never even heard of it. It stars John Travolta making some questionable choices. And Devin Sawa is also in it. I would say he's making better choices than... than... Travolta.

Old John Travolta. I won't say whether it's a good movie or not, because I have an interesting taste in movies. I've seen Craven now four times. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been talking about Craven since it has come out.

It is now March? When does this come out? Yeah, the end of March. The end of March. And I bet you all still have it on my mind. I haven't seen Craven yet at all. Nobody has. It made $2 in the box office and those $2 were mine.

I fucking love Craven. I watched it with my boyfriend. He was like, I was lamenting about how nobody will watch it with me. And he was like, but you've already seen it twice. And I was like, yeah, but I wanna watch it again and nobody will watch it with me. He's like, I'll watch it with you.

But then I was like cleaning. So I was just watching it. And then he came over and he was like, so you watch Craven without me? And I was like, and then we'll watch it together after I'm done. Well, that's what I said. I said, we can start it right over again.

Happy to watch it 50,000 times. And then he was like, No, I think you need a Craven break. And I was like, no, I don't need it. I think you need a drink before I go. Don't tell me when I need a Craven break. No. I never need one.

I'm a one man, one man promotional wagon for this movie Craven that nobody has seen. I'm telling you, you gotta see it. There's a man who becomes a rhino. What? I'm on board. And I simply can't explain it to you more than he goes to the doctor in New York,

and that was an option. ["Dating is a Life of Love"] Wait, tell me more about dating. Do you have more stories about men that are bad? I have nothing but stories about men that are bad. This is the first boyfriend I've had that is actually good. Oh, that's nice. But all of my other stories, here's the thing. I got so tired of being like, oh, my dating stories are hilarious.

I would love to have a not funny, just normal ass dating story. But every breakup that I've had has been wild as hell. Have you ever broken up with someone and held them hostage? No, because I'm not that kind of psycho. That's, I will scream and cry and like be so sad about a breakup

or a ghosting or something, but he will never know that I have. I will keep it locked inside. My big problem is I don't want to inconvenience anybody with my big feelings. And that's my therapy. That's really what Rachel and I talk about. I love inconveniencing people with my big feelings. I have big feelings all the time.

So do I. I just don't express them. And that is something I'm working on now with my boyfriend is like, okay, I'm gonna express my feelings and you're gonna have to like handle it. Interesting. I, they just fall out of me.

My boyfriend once was like, cause I love chocolate chip cookies. He was like, I love a gooey cookies, he was like, and I love a gooey one, he was like, what would you do if someone gave you a chocolate chip cookie without the chips? And I burst right into tears because I didn't want to live in that world. Just a hypothetical cookie.

It's happened like eight times where he asks me a hypothetical and it makes me cry. That's so weird. That's gotta be something that is about more than the cookie. No, I simply thought about it and I didn't wanna live in that world. And he had to say, just kidding, we don't live in that world.

No. No. No. No. No. Oh God. Oh wow. What else has made you cry?

In the alternate reality of... I'm trying to think. Have you guys had any, like, real, like, dust-ups? How long have you been dating? Or been together? Almost a year. Uh-huh. And we have not had a fight, like, a real fight.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. We've had like a couple tips. Have you had disagreements? Yeah. We've had tips where like, since I travel a lot, like changing plans and then assuming that he'll adjust to it as opposed to being like, hey, I'm thinking about changing this to come home that day, just floating it,

like not asking permission, but just like remembering that there's somebody else in my life. Yes. And I feel like he has had a little bit of an adjustment of like remembering that there's another person in his life. That's where most of our conflict comes from. Interesting. Just not being used to being in a relationship.

I think that's a big part of it. If you're not used to being in a relationship, I'm not either. No. I had dated somebody on and off for like two years who Didn't ever want to be talked about so I didn't really talk about him on the podcast and What was my point?

You didn't fight we fought all the time Yeah, I wasn't trying to like it was a situation shift that I was like maybe it'll be a relationship one day But I was not trying to actively involve him in like in the end him into my life So like when we would fight about me changing plans, I'd be like, okay. Yeah, you won't even say you're my boyfriend Yeah, I don't actually don't know you don't care that I'm not coming on Tuesday. I'm coming home on Thursday now Yeah, but this boy I do want to like ingrain in my life and it is hard for me to remember, oh, just include him. Just remember to tell him shit.

Are you good at fighting? Are you good at arguing? And what I mean by that is, are you good with conflict? Like, are you comfortable in conflict with him? Now I am because I'm working on not thinking I'm the main character in everybody else's story. That's what I'm learning in therapy.

So when he or anybody else comes to me and they're like, I'm feeling this type of way, I try really hard to not immediately go, oh, okay, so I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit who should walk into traffic and get hit by a Tesla So instead I'm like I hear you I just want to repeat back to you what you said And then try to not be defensive about it and offer, do you wanna hear my side? If not, it doesn't matter, because I've made you feel this way

and that I'm really sorry about. Wow, that is very evolved. It's really, it's hard. And I bet it's hard. It's very, very hard. Yeah. And then sometimes I'll do that and then have to bring it to therapy and be like,

I mean, and she's like, no, no, it's you. You did bad. So yeah, just what you did was great because what you did was not great. And I'm like, okay. That is so fucking rough. I thank you so much. But yeah, I tried to,

because I was in a relationship with somebody for a long time where we did not fight well. Like he would bring up a lot of past stuff. And I'd be like, but we're talking about this now. And then he'd be like, well, it's a pattern. And I'm like, okay, but can we just talk about what we're arguing about right now? And anytime I brought up something from the past,

he'd be like, we're talking about the now. And I'm like, well, what is it? Is it a track record? Or is it today? You know, I have been recommended by my therapist a book about, a book by two, I think they're two Jewish elderly people. They're named the Gottmans.

Oh, the Gottmans. And they have social media. I feel like since I've started reading this book, I've been getting like Gottmans Instagram reels where they're talking about like, you should kiss your partner for six seconds. That's them. I've seen them. That's them.

That's the Gottmans. After six seconds, you release the oxytocin, which is the commitment, the like orgasm chemical. Like, you know how when you have an orgasm, you feel connected to that person and you're like, holy shit, we're meant to be. Yes. That's oxytocin.

That's a drug. That's not a real feeling. That's a chemical. You've been drugged. So is that why they tell you not to fuck people early on to get to know them first? Yes. Well, you know, it'd be more beneficial

if people said it that way. You know, I think, exactly, I think that we just, nobody talks about what hormones are happening in our bodies and why we feel certain feelings, but oxytocin is like an attachment feeling. It's like that attachment feeling. But... I do buy the six second thing. I do too. I've tried it.

Oh, do you count in your head? Uh-huh. Does your boyfriend ever go, what are you doing? Oh, I told him, I said, no, we have to kiss for six seconds every day. That's like the rule. Oh. And we kiss, we have to kiss, this is my rule too.

We have, we've been falling off the train with this one, but we kiss every night before we go to sleep, open mouth kiss with tongue. We kiss every night before we go to sleep, open mouth kiss with tongue. I don't know for, oh my God, for whatever reason. This is so nerdy. Open mouth, it's not nerdy, but you said open mouth kiss and for whatever reason, my brain just didn't go French kiss.

My brain went to, you guys are just going, marr, marr, like in the movies. No, no, just. Just a nice honk. For six seconds. Honk. And I don't know why my brain did that. But yeah, that's nice.

No, it's a momentary little make out that you do every night. If it evolves into something else, great. And if it doesn't, you at least in one time during the day, you had this romantic little moment. I think that's nice. Yeah. It's kind of hot too.

I also like holding hands during movies. Like that I find incredibly romantic cause I'm like, it's so dark and nobody knows what we're doing. I know, it's secret. When I was single for a long time, I have other friends who are single for a long time. I feel like, you know, when you're a single woman,

you sort of like align with other single women. It's just like the community. And one of my friends, Lauren Olsen, she and I used to talk about how much we missed. Like, not necessarily missing, like, being in a relationship, because that comes with a lot of drama sometimes, but, like, we just wanted to hold hands. More than, like, fucking somebody, it's like,

I just want to hold somebody's hand. Yeah, and it's nice when you're like, I want to hold your hand, fuck you. Sometimes we're also just, like, lay with you and watch the TV. I know. Like fucking isn't the end all be all. No. It is great. But it is very, very nice,

but it's like when you find somebody who makes you feel like home, that's really nice. It is so nice. It is so nice. And somebody who doesn't mind that I wear giant Sonic slippers. Doesn't mind or actually likes. that I wear giant Sonic slippers? Hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Does it mind or actually likes?

I don't know. I wanna know. Do you like her Sonic slippers? Do you like my Sonic slippers? I bet he does. I'll never see this. He doesn't ever go on Instagram or anything. He's not?

Does he not, he doesn't have an Instagram? He has one, but he's never on it. Oh, I love that. I send him memes all the time. And it's just filling up. Yes, and what happens is we sit down next to each other and I go, excuse me, can you open up Instagram? Excuse me.

And then he opens it up and I go, can you go to the messages I sent you? And he goes to the messages and then he watches them and then once he doesn't laugh and I go, why did you not find that funny? On a scale of one to five, where was that one? You know, sometimes you talk about yourself and you go, am I insufferable?

I actually kind of aim to be more insufferable. That's what I'm working on in therapy. I am too, I give too much space to other people and I don't take enough for myself. And I, the other day, I think my boyfriend was like, am I annoying? We don't live together, but we've been together for like two years, but we see each other often,

and he's like, are you annoyed? Like I keep coming over, and I was like, no. And I was like, are you annoyed by me? And he goes, no. And I was like, I'm gonna work on that. I feel like I wanna get to the point where I'm kind of annoying, you know? It's fun.

Let's spice it up. Let's be annoying. No, I don't think you wanna be like violently annoying. There was one day I was violently annoying and I was like, I can tell. I can tell this man's gonna leave me. I can tell it feels bad. It's because we went wine tasting during the day

and he drove. Oh no. So he couldn't taste as much wine as me. And boy oh boy, did I lose my mind after the fifth glass of wine. Boy oh boy. And I was truly just like screaming like, I'm having fun. Oh God.

In a closed car and he was like, well, can your fun be a little softer? And I was like no No, we cannot He's like you need a nap and I was like Been annoying been annoying been sent to take a nap, but here's the thing. I did need a nap. Yeah It was not to be functional for dinner later. I needed I needed that Wait, Jenna. Do you have any advice for people who are single and looking?

I do. I think you have to categorize your loneliness. I think that's what helped me. I had friends who were sort of hung, like horny. And there's an app for that. Yeah, Field. Field is a great app if you're just like, I am looking to fuck around.

I wasn't feeling that when my, at the same time that some of my friends were sort of like feeling, like having a horny moment. I was like, I am, I'm looking for a, like an actual challenge. Like I'm looking for something more sort of instructive, I guess, or like I'm looking, I feel like I had been single for so long

that I was like, I want to look I feel like I had been single for so long that I was like, I want to look into myself. Like, there's something about a relationship where you have to do a lot of self work to make it work. You have to like, really be willing to like, look at your shit. And it's painful, but it's cool. Also, I like that kind of psychology

or that like little psychological experiment. And so I categorized my need or desire in that moment as I want to date some, I want to date some people and I want to have dates that are like both weird and uh, bad and good and maybe, maybe something meaningful comes of it, but I'm not gonna bank on that. And when I got back on the apps with that intention, also because I was writing a script and I was trying to write a rom-com-y scene

and I couldn't think of anything. I couldn't think of anything. I couldn't invent, like, a romance. I was really having a hard time, like, writing flirtation. So you're like, let me go out and do the research. Let me go do some research. So I put myself back on the apps after years of, since 2017, having zero app time. And I fucking tried to go on so many dates

and nobody would reply to me on Hinge. Nobody would respond. And the first person who reached out to me was Steve. And so I ended up taking a big swing with him. I invited him to go to, after two weeks of sort of dating him and making out with him, I took him on a two week date or a two a weekend date to Palm Springs. Oh

So wait you talked for two weeks or like yeah for two weeks and then you went on a weekend after two weeks You went on a trip. Yeah, I said wild. I know I said I'm gonna try Something doing something real wild and just see how it goes. Well, it worked. It worked. He wasn't a fucking freak. Or kind of was in a good way. In a good way. In a way that you like. In a way that I like. But yeah, I think that's my advice.

It's sort of like, decide what you're wanting out of being lonely. If you're interested in dating or if you're interested in being in a relationship. Exactly what kind of experience are you looking for because there's an app for that. And also there are experiences that mirror that. Like if you are genuinely feeling lonely and like, I don't have anybody to snuggle with that night or whatever. Like that is like, is there a friend? Is there a gay man that will do that with you?

Is there a friend that will do that with you? And or field has relationship experience as a thing. People do that. I like that advice, to do something exciting or like out of the norm. I think the best advice that I've ever heard because my algorithm on Instagram got real wonky for a minute because I clicked on one lady

talking about relationships, but essentially it was like, you never have to wonder if someone actually likes you. If they like you, they'll let you know. And that could have saved me, God, I know, so much time. Truly, truly. I've literally dated people and gone to psychics to be like, does he like me? I know.

You know what though? I feel like as a younger person, you hear that advice, but you don't fucking care. You sort of want to be, we were, I feel like we grew up in a time where it was totally acceptable to be delusional about whether somebody likes you or not. Or if they didn't like you, you were like, whatever, I'm gonna make him like me,

or I'm gonna push through and just secretly pine for him. She persisted. Yes. That's what Elizabeth Warren was talking about. Exactly. Her nickname's very funny to me, that Trump gave her Pocahontas. Pocahontas.

Because she lied about being Native American. Boy, and did she ever. But here's the thing, a lot of us have lied. My aunt once said, because we're Indian, and I went, I'm Native. She meant West Indian. And you took it to the streets and said, sure did. Look at me, I'm native. Sure did, I was like, maybe Cherokee, don't know.

Probably. What? The context clues are here, West Indian. I'm from the Caribbean for years. I mean, it's a common American myth. It's wild. Wait, Jana, I have a question. We've come to the end. Would you date me?

Of course! Yes! This is kind of a date, if there ever was one. You know what? It kind of was. Oh, my God. All my episodes are kind of dates. Yeah. Have you thought of this, Mars? Oh, yeah. I've known podcasters who've met where, like, their first date was just, like,

them guessing on each other's podcast. Oh, yeah, you did say that to me. I'm slowing the uptake. Anyway. We should go on dates. Let's go on a date. Let's do it. We don't even have to kiss.

We can just go and like hold hands. If we go somewhere without Marcy, I think she'll be really mad. We can bring Marcy. It's a threesome. It's a threesome. Ew, getting frisky. You ever say something and you're like,

whoa, why did that come out of my mouth? It happens to me all the time. Wait, Janet, do you have anything you wanna promote? Yeah, my current promotional thing is my podcast that I co-host with a comedian, another native comedian named Brian Bahi. It's called Sage-Based Wisdom, and we just, like, give advice to callers,

and it's often very bad advice. So fun. I'd love to have you as a guest. I would do it. To give out advice to people. But here's the thing. I did a podcast, it was like a comedy podcast, where we took phone calls from people and then I was giving like actual practical advice

and the host was like, oh, oh no, I give practical advice all the time. Okay. And also funny advice. So yes. I'll do it. Yes. Okay, well that's it for this episode.

If you liked it, the outros of this get worse and worse. If you liked it, you gotta give me stars. And... It's law. Give me stars. And if you write a nasty come on to come on me, what? If you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me something nasty hitting on me

to why won't you date me, podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. Okay, hello, Nicole and Mars, because Mars, my producer, reads it. Sometimes me and my friends get crazy messages sent to us on FetLife, and this one in particular made me think of the letters people write into the show.

I attached it so you could see the OG, but what I did for you and would love if you read it on the show is the haiku I made it into because I thought of you when I wrote it so you could see the OG, but what I did for you and would love if you read it on the show is the haiku I made it into because I thought of you when I wrote it. So the original is, wow, you look amazing. Your body, that ass, them boobs. I wish I could play with, I wish I could play with you, my cock.

Oh! Would be dripping pre-cum and shoot cum shortly. I wish I could play with you, period. My cock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I could play with you, period. My cock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was a teacher for 10 years.

Wow, I mean, there's absolutely no punctuation here. Yeah, I can tell. Oh my God, my cock would be dripping pre-cum and shoot cum shortly after with you out. Oh yeah. Without you, without you or me even touching my cock. Sorry if that was out of line, just telling the truth. This is a white person who wrote this.

White people love the word cock in a way that is upsetting. Oh boy, I know! Like, suck my cock. And I'm like, whoa, dude, that was so aggressive. I know, I'm like, you mean your dick? Oh, suck your dick. I'd rather someone be like, suck my penis than suck my cock.

A cock. Cock. It's my cock. I hate that word. This guy was like, I love your boobies, want to play with them. Once I pre-cum, then I will actually come after that and then I will just spray it in the streets.

Dripping with pre-cum? How much of a load are you shooting? Yeah, gross. Also it's like, bleep, bleep. That's the pre-cum. And here in the streets. Dripping with pre-cum? How much of a load are you shooting? Yeah, gross. Also, it's like, bleep, bleep. That's the pre-cum. And here's the thing. This isn't even done yet. Your body, that ass, them boobs,

I wish I could play. My cock be drippin'. Psh, pre-cum is shoot out. Pre-cum in what? What was the last one? Pre-cum is shoot out. Without you or me touching. Just telling you truth.

So this- That's the haiku. The haiku is just this original message where they just said, we'll take away more and add some punctuation. Well, that was delightful. Love that. That's it. What a way to go out. Goodbye.

You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue, with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kometay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a Headgum Podcast.