Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Class Clown on the Plantation (w/ Amber Ruffin)

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

Writer and actress Amber Ruffin (Late Night with Seth Meyers, A Black Lady Sketch Show) chats with Nicole about the weight of having to discuss politics on Late Night, how they can make racism funny, and what the upcoming Zoom Emmy awards will be like. Plus, Amber helps write some Hinge messages, and Nicole challenges white people to come up with a good slave joke. Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take all of my vibrators out of my drawer, throw them in the trash, and then take them out of the trash and not wash them and put them back in my drawer. Yeah.

My guest today has written for a black lady's sketch show. She's the first black female writer on late night television in the United fucking States. She's written on the Detroiters. She's written for the Golden Globes. She's written for the

Emmys. In that that wild it's amber that was from me for me i mean i think everybody should be their own biggest fan oh done and done baby truly otherwise what the fuck you doing amber how are you i am crazy sure i feel like that's um the only answer i'm honestly waiting for someone to be like honestly i love this i love corona i love quarantine i'm thriving but nobody's that lady trump yes it's lady trump uh lady trump would that be his mother is his mother still living oh oh she was dead when she was around she was a very ugly woman so she is dead she is i usually don't talk about people's appearance or like i I try not to. Because it's not the nicest thing. It's not.

But homegirl. Whoa. Wait. It was something. It was quite something. It cracked. It had cracked. It definitely had cracked.

It was not. Okay. So you're in New York. Yes. Yeah. And is New York. I feel like New York's in a better place than it was that's true shit was scary for a minute

SHIT what are the rules you can say shit you can say fuck you can say boondoggled I don't know is that a word boondoggled you can say whatever you like.

Yay! Butts. I like that that was the first thing you wanted to say. Butts. Baby, I've been wanting to say butts since time began. Yeah, Nework was scary la is scary but i think uh the warm weather allows you to believe it's not scary it's so beautiful it's so nice you can go to the park and hang out but then you forget like you kind of forget you're like oh there's a bunch of people dying

while you're just like at a park it's true yeah it's sad and it's scary and it's true are people wearing their masks and acting right over there i would say on like the east side where i live yes i see lots and lots of masks but then if you venture to like venice or santa monica places with like a lot of money and the beach they're just like we'll never die oh so yeah it's it's uh it's pretty interesting uh i just went to pismo beach and i posted a picture on pismo beach and i realized it was not actually pismo beach it was like olivia beach or something and people keep correcting me and i keep deleting it because i don't give a fuck about where i actually was but like nobody was wearing their masks there and the street we stayed at airbnb on there was like four men sitting outside their truck with a trump sign

drinking in the street and i was like you full ass have a backyard to be in I feel like you're trying to start a fight and I'm not taking that bait no thank you what in the world in the street yes I feel like a lot of I don't want to like generalize but I feel like a lot of Trump supporters are just looking to fight with people

I mean at this point if you still are a Trump supporter that's all you do yeah I mean how else do point, if you still are a Trump supporter, that's all you do. Yeah. I mean, how else do you interact with other human beings? Right. It's so bananas. So, Seth Meyers, you guys do a lot of political humor. Is it taxing on your soul? You know what? At first, when Trump got elected, we were like, oh, no, we're always going to be up in the news and having to watch it day and night and stuff. But now you kind of have to be watching the news to make sure you don't die. So now, no. But there was a time when I was like, oh, no, now I'm going to have to know what's happening in the world. Now I'm like, please help.

Someone help. Where are we protesting? What's happening? Did anyone's murderers get arrested yet? Okay, well, I got to stay on the news. I got to find out what's going on. I mean, it's just bummer after bummer after bummer. But I feel like if you were a kid now, you would be old as fuck.

Can you imagine if you were like 13 when this started? No, thank you. No way. You would be so old. Yeah, I think. What generation is it? Generation X or Z? I don't know.

I don't really understand how generations are broken up. Me either. But I feel like they are truly aging so much quicker than I am. I mean, chasing butterflies literally. Damn near with a hoop and a stick stick running down the street playing kick the can no more kick the can now they're like chasing unmarked the militia out of their cities it's fucking wild whoa remember when we used to be like oh my god other countries are so ghetto look at them uh-huh crazy regimes now we're the ghetto we can't even leave yeah i can't do nothing it's so wild

but i have been watching this thing on netflix that has brought me so much joy it is called uh fuck what is it called dating on the spectrum the Spectrum. Have you seen it? I watched every episode. Same. And I cried every episode. That's great. I mean, my period came the week after and I was like, well, that explains a lot. But still, I just loved how, so if you haven't seen Dating on the Spectrum, it is about people on the autism spectrum dating.

I don't know. I might have talked about this people on the autism spectrum dating. I don't know. I might have talked about this on Why Won't You Date? I don't know. But anyway, but all of the conversations they have are conversations I think people not considered on the spectrum should be having. Oh, yeah. So healthy. The healthiest human beings alive. I mean, as far as relationships go, I was so shocked. And also, it was like you really had to check what you think about autistic people because I would watch these dates and I would go, oh, no, he doesn't like her.

She's going to die of disappointment. She didn't care. She was like, I didn't like him either. And I was like, oh, that's on me me i thought you were putting all this weight on it but instead it's a normal date like we have all had sometimes they go good most of the times they don't and it was funny because i think it's mark mark loves dinosaurs and i think he was on a date with millie that's not her name but i don't remember but he was like droning on and on about dinosaurs and I was like this is no different than being in a bar and a

dude just talking about Star Wars I was like it's just a different level of obsession kind of but like not really and you could just see on her face that she was like no thank you and I was like I love that and then I loved the conversation they had afterward he was like do you see this going anywhere and she was like no and he was like a little sad but then was like it is nice that i made a friend and that's really what it's all about i couldn't believe it i really wanted love for him too he was my main guy because when he let the conversation dip he took it so personally and it broke his little heart when he made little mistakes yes yeah i can't my favorite was kelvin kelvin is the one

who drew the anime and went on a date with homegirl who brought a uh a switch a nintendo switch on the date and he's trying to ask her questions and she pulls out this switch to play video games and he is like this is not dating protocol and i was like yes yes i would have been angry too but he like could kind of articulate it but then got a little overwhelmed i just everyone was so sweet and kind oh i loved it when the this is a genuine spoiler alert if you haven't seen love on the spectrum i'm gonna need you to fast forward 20 seconds the very last minute of the last episode where the guy was singing the um song to the girl and he was proposing nicole i was crying and laughing at the exact same time. The exact same amount.

Yes, because he was not a good singer. And you could see how self-conscious he was about it. But she didn't care. And she just loved him so much. And this is after the black sock, blue sock fiasco where he was so upset. He didn't have good socks and then he's singing and there's a pianist and i just i loved it so much beautiful it was so sweet what was that song is he just gonna sing that and we quit where did that come from he wrote that did

he write it what's happening wait did he i don't know did you listen to the words of it because some someone wrote it it wasn't i didn't listen to the words i was truly just whimpering and crying crying crying and laughing oh i just loved it i wish instead of ghosting people people would just hurt someone's feelings for a second because that's all it is hurting someone's feelings for just a half a second and then they know and then i because i know when i get ghosted i tend to be like well what if and it's like well no not what if he like told you he don't want to be with you because he ghosted you. But like it would just alleviate a lot of like wishing and hoping late at night. Yeah.

If someone was just like, I had a great time with you. I just really don't see a future with you. And when you don't do that, then your memory makes the date better and better and better and better. Yes. And that's where you suffer because if they immediately go this was dumb wasn't it you go oh yeah it was then it stays a little bit more honest and then becomes just worse and worse and worse uh-huh i dated a dude where i went on a date with him and it was like a fun date but like no romantic vibes at all but I was

like we decided we're going out again okay this was a good date I had I love him and then the second date he kissed me and it was a bad kiss but I was like but he kissed me that's the natural progression and then the third date he like fell asleep at a fucking movie and then I was like, but he kissed me. That's the natural progression. And then the third date, he like fell asleep at a fucking movie. And then I was like, well, he was sleepy. And then it was just, had we not done anything past the first date, in hindsight, would have been better than dating for the two months that we did date to a very anticlimactic ending, you know? Two months!

Yeah. I hate, like, I can't get past two months, which is probably like the universe being like, you don't need this person past two months. You don't even need this person past one day. But yeah, I've never dated anyone really past two months except for one person who was

how you say, a piece of trash. Yeah, he was so good but you know um you are married yes i'm married to a little baby how did you guys meet i mean i understand that you are not married to a baby listeners may be like i I am a reference. You're seven months old. Married to a baby. So much. No, I'm married to a sweetie poo.

We met, he is a Dutch man. And we met when he was visiting New York. And I was visiting New York. And we both lived in Amsterdam at the time. Whoa. Holy fuck. That's so fucking weird. Isn't that odd?

That's wild. Never met in Amsterdam, but go to the other side of the world and meet up. Wait, how did you meet? How did you meet in the street? I was outside smoking when I used to smoke. Oh my God, I miss it. Um, and he was walking down the street and then I smiled and he could not resist what a dang treat

and then we dated when we got back home we just talked for a minute and I told him my email address and then we dated when we got back to Amsterdam. And we never stopped. How many years ago was this? This was 11 years ago?

I'm gonna say 11 years ago. 12? 11? I like that you don't know. I don't know. I don't know. don't know any i don't know it was a while ago fair fair a while ago did you date a lot in like high school oh no no in high school i was just a um yucky yucky nerd okay sure a yucky yucky nerd. Okay, sure. A yucky yuck nerd.

But then there was a period of time where bud, I got it done. I was just a wild man living in a lawless state. It was the freaking best. And I think that

everyone needs to go through that. Yeah, my whole 20s through that. Yeah, my whole 20s were that. Yes! It's good for you. And then, you know, now I'm shacked up with this guy and I'm not like, oh man, what if, and blah blah blah

blah blah, and oh, I need to sell my wild oats and stuff. Them shits got sewn. You know what I mean? Oh, I think I know what you mean. You know what I mean. Oh, man.

That was very close to like a Bill Cosby impression. If only he won so bad. It's fun to do his voice. Damn it. What if you do it like this? I've disappointed America. is that something yeah i think that's truly the only way you could do a bill cosby impression i disappointed america nobody wants my. That wasn't the best impression.

Look, I liked it. Thank you. It was the impression he deserved. Yes. He's still in jail, right? Yeah, weird. It's so wild that America's dad is a rapist and in jail. Just like the poster boy for rapiness.

Yeah, it's not good. We be out here enabling crazy people. Oh, yeah, because crazy people be making people money. Kind of like Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. This list is out here getting long. It really is.

I read that BuzzFfeed article and i was like good lord this is tough i bet a lot of people are out there right now going hey but i'm a piece of shit to people i work with and sweating buckets i love it i love the thought of it that someone's out there going well i did yell for no reason i try real hard to be a nice person with the people i work with because i want them to be nice to me do you know what i mean like i would hate to like have people be afraid of me and yeah and to scream at people to me that just seems not fun yeah and they you rely on them i need stuff from you you have i've got to treat you right i mean i don't know or we're all being too nice one of the No. I think the world could stand for people being nicer to each other. In my old age, I've truly turned a leaf.

I used to be the person who would be like, oh, this bitch needs to know how I feel. And now I've gotten to the age where I'm like, no, she doesn't. She's living a nice life. And I don't have to be mean to this person for the sake of being mean. What is that doing for anybody? Yeah, there was a lot of that. A lot of sass mouth. Look, you have got to be a wild little baby at some point.

You gotta do it. Yeah, you do. Get out of your system. I have a question. Ooh. So your husband lives in Amsterdam. Do you go back often to visit his family? He lives here.

We live here. No, I know, but his family. Oh, his family lives there, yes. And we go back on Christmas usually. Oh, that's nice. But not this year. No, I don't think any. Well, I mean, me personally, I'm'm not gonna go see anybody for christmas but

you know people are like i have to see my family i'm gonna get on a plane which is terrifying my mom was like we will not see you for a year too bad so sad well i was like i am old my kidneys are not in good shape you need to stay your ass at home i was like oh okay i guess i won't be seeing you bud i like your mother because a lot of older people are not acting like that a lot of older people are just like well you know my bubble's tight i see ronda down the street terry down the street and then then Carl comes over. And then sometimes I go to church. Yes, we all kiss each other open mouth right before communion. But honestly, other than that, I'm being very safe.

You're like, uh, no. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of like parent wrangling going on. Because like, Dad, Jesus can come to to your house you don't need to go to church yeah they don't need you there but you don't need to be there you can watch it on tv i watched this video of this i think he's from tennessee or something like that. He was like, the Lord needs us to gather and they're trying to take that away because that's the

most powerful part of worship. I was like, I thought the most powerful part of worship was your relationship with God, not showing other people your relationship with God. I was like, this is confusing. It's not the relationship with God, It's how you perform

it. I mean, people are crazy. But most churches are like, just go online, dummy. So I do like seeing that. I like seeing that too, and I'd love to see all the schools remain

closed. Nicole, this is nuts. Can you believe this is what you're talking about no it's crazy yeah i host a relationship podcast can't really talk about relationships because i'm fully not dating and then when i hear about people dating i'm like y'all are just risking it all for what mediocrity and i doubt you're gonna find true love like this but yeah like i'm talking about keeping schools closed and shit like that like my sister's a teacher or she's a teacher's aide and her district is uh gonna like decide in the next week or two whether they're going back and i was like oh god where. Where is she? She's in Chicago. Oof. And they already have a lack of teachers and whatnot. There's going to be even less teachers going back because some who have spouses who've made enough money or they can retire a little early, they're not going to go back.

So then classrooms are going to get bigger. And that means more kids. classrooms are going to get bigger and that means more kids and i was just like katherine if you need help i will figure out we'll figure this out like if you don't feel safe do not go back yeah it's just i shouldn't have to do that no american should have to choose between a paycheck and you know living yeah and i like posted on twitter and this lady came at me and she was like it is no different than a supermarket or a pharmacy and i was like actually ma'am i don't spend eight hours a day in a supermarket or a pharmacy and hopefully those stores have protocol where there's social distancing and they're not allowing like my neighborhood supermarket you gotta wait in line

and there's only like 20 people in the store at once and there hasn't been at least that i know of an outbreak there so like there's stuff you can do you can't do that in a fucking school it's scary and they're like children can't get it but they can they can get it they can transmit it also it doesn't take a lot of children to get it it just takes your child that's all that matters yep and then your kid comes home your kid sneezes in your eye before they say good night and then you got corona well yeah or you're immune and you give it to the child. Yeah.

And the child is not. You guys, it's all terrifying. Uh-huh. I'm just going to stay my ass at home. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I don't mind the thought of going out and doing stuff when people are at their and you know there's five people in the office everybody has masks that doesn't create that unreasonable anxiety but like whenever i walk past a um uh a construction site oh baby they're talking into each other's mouths, just hanging out, hauling giant two by fours.

And I'm like, oh, no, you guys, you have to try. Yeah. You have to try. It's been a very interesting six months. It's been six months. Oh, boy. It feels insane. And then they they're like let's delay the election i was like i don't think you can do that you can't legally do that no you can't do it oh

my god i feel bad for people but where i vote i'm always the only one in there oh really i set my alarm i go there at 8 15 i walk three blocks and it's me and two old people and like 80 stations oh okay i don't have to wait at all ever not for one i've never waited to vote not in new york but i remember um i think it was chicago or somewhere where i voted where i was like oh i'm just not going to vote. Oh, well, yeah. I'm not going to wait these eight hours. I'm not going to do that. That's crazy.

I mean, it's so wild that like they make voting so fucking. I mean, it's not wild that they make voting so hard. I understand why they do it, but it's just it's wild. It truly is so out of control. Yeah, they worked so hard to make it so crazy for so many people. And now, I mean, thank God we don't live in Georgia. They aren't voting at all. Wait, they're not? There are a lot of their polling places have disappeared.

And so then now in order to vote, you have to travel like crazy and then survive that line. So people are like banding together and like being like, I have a van and I'm going to be taking people to vote from this time to this time. So this is literally sick. I mean, this. And then I'm like, how? How does anybody fix it? The other day I was like, wait, the post office might close. And I was like, and they don't get federal funding. They don't get government funding.

And then I was like, how do they stay open? Can we have a GoFundMe for the fucking post office? Yeah. how do they stay open can we have a go fund me for the fucking post office yeah oh that one i can't really look at because it is it's the bridge too far for me it's so fucked up the post office yeah what like this institution that has been around since before time like it's so great like you always think about you know the post the post office is the post office so i don't know the other day i just bought like 200 worth of stamps and i. So I don't know. The other day I just bought like $200 worth of stamps. And I was like, I don't know if my $200 is going to help the post office.

I also bought a shirt. And I was like, I guess I'll wear the shirt and be like, buy stamps. I don't know. I feel insane at all times. I feel so insane. There's also like that feeling of like trying to help and being like, is this a thing? Am I doing anything? Yeah. Does this help anything? Am I hurting people? Is this a thing? It's getting pretty raggedy out there. It is. But real quick, we got to take a break. we gotta take a break and

like the movie we're back okay so I don't know if you've ever been on dating apps have you no no that's before your time it's kind of before my time yeah so I went down the wrong pipe

Amber don't die please don't die please don't die on zoom oh that would be so sad okay you'd be haunted forever by my fun ghost it'd be a good time i'd be so sad if i watched a nice friend die on zoom um so i'm on the dating apps they're a literal nightmare and i can't like once a week i will just swipe for fun because i've run out of things to do and the other night i was swiping and this man's profile so unhinged has prompts it's like something you need to know about me and here's something i needed to know about him was i love my family my mother comes first my dad comes first my sisters are my best friends they're always gonna be in my life and you gotta get used to it and i was like oh my god oh no okay you're too intense this love for your family is sick and I don't get it. Yes, it's bad. And it has been a problem before.

Hence this behavior. And it has only made him double down. But I'm like, what could have possibly happened in this man's prior relationships that he needs to announce that they're not going to go anywhere? And he then like, I need to get used to it. I'll tell you exactly what happened. He had a girlfriend. They got a little serious. The girlfriend met his mother.

His mother was crazy and she could tell. His mother has too tight a hold on him. And what made it worse is she and he she went on birth control because that's where their relationship had gotten to and he told his mother and then his mother mentioned that to her and she said that's inappropriate and he said no i love my mother and i tell her everything and then they broke up i mean i'm not a hundred percent sure that's what happened but i would bet a billion dollars it's something very close to that i think that's what it is i think you really i think you nailed it

if you don't say that once a day, you a damn fool. I also, this man, I came across him on the dating apps. He's got a lot of hair and looks like he might be fun. But in a way where I'm like, I don't know if your fun is good fun because your hair is too big and too curly. But his most irrational fear is his nipples being cut off. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know if that's something like off the bat you should be telling people. Because what would be the scenario

that your nipples got cut off? Or he's really prepared. And he's like, I've prepared for every eventuality except for one. And I can't figure out how to do it. Maybe. But the only way I feel like your nipples could get cut off is if you're fast chopping vegetables. And you've got like double H titties that rest on the counter and you're chopping veggies without a bra on and you're just moving too fast, I think that's a way for your nipples to get cut off. But I just don't understand how a flat chested person would have their titties, their nipples cut off.

I don't know. What is he into? Because like if he's into knife throwing, then nipples cut off. I don't know. What is he into? Because, like, if he's into knife throwing, then we've cracked it. Let's see if I can find him again. Also, shame on the website for making

that a question. That shouldn't be a question. Yeah, well, another question is, I'm weirdly attracted. Wait! It says I'm weirdly attracted to bellies. Maybe this man is the man for me. Okay. So we haven't matched.

I just came across him. I'm going to heart it. What should I say to him in regards to being weirdly attracted to bellies? Should I say, why is that weird? No. Okay. What should I say? You that weird no okay what should i say you should say

boy do i have a belly for you boy do i have i am truly writing that yay let's see how it goes. Oh my gosh. You have to text me when he texts you back. Oh boy. I found another strange man. So a shower thought he had recently was werewolves can't smoke. In parentheses, no lips. Oh, okay. in parentheses no lips oh okay you know i feel like they're inviting people to sound crazy

yeah maybe but like shower thoughts i have are i should go grocery shopping soon because i've eaten pizza five days in a row yeah all my shower thoughts are songs doesn't everyone just sing in the shower no i don't ever sing in the shower but how will everyone know that you're showering i announce it i go hello i'm showering well today i did announce i had to take a shit because the nice man I live with was downstairs. And I was just like, I feel like it'd be really jarring for him to be working at his computer than hear like the explosions from my butt. So I announced it, which is weird. It's kind. But I think nicer than just, you know, rudely invading someone's nose or ears.

Yeah. It also speaks volumes to your relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've known him for two years and. Who? Who is he? He's my roommate's boyfriend, but I like to call him the man I live with because it sounds

mysterious. Oh, that's cute. And I used to call my roommate john millhiser my roommate my roommate john millhiser because on one podcast i said my roommate and then he brought it up and was like you can say my name and i was like oh i can great i will say your name as much as i can john millhiser my roommate my roommate john millhiser but then people on Instagram anytime I would post about him would write that and then it made it less fun because not to be mean but people love to beat a dead horse like so okay do you remember I think I may have told this story on the podcast but you you know, I cannot remember. I can't go outside. I can't live a life. It's hard to remember what I've spoken about.

Do you remember on the Chappelle show, Wayne Brady was on it and they did a sketch where Wayne Brady was like bad and he goes, does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch? So I went and saw Chicago. Wayne Brady was in Chicago and at the stage door, he was signing autographs. And someone yelled, does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch? And Wayne Brady went, no, and then left. Because I'm sure someone had screamed that at him every single day, multiple times a day.

And I think it was a trigger. And he was like, i've had enough and i get it because for a while people shout nailed it at you yes and it would really bother me but now that i have an emmy nomination it does not bother me oh my god all you fucking want. Because it's so crazy. That's a very good one. That's a big, fat, good one. Isn't it nuts? That made my day very exciting.

That's a good one, buddy. And then Seth Meyers is nominated, too, right? Yeah. We love to go every year and watch What's Her Face With. Oh, my gosh. What's his name my john oliver oh john oliver yeah yes yeah we love to go every year and watch john oliver well i mean rupaul is gonna definitely win and i can't wait to be excited for rupaul because i love rupaul's drag race and i love rupaul that, you do. So it'll be very nice

to lose to someone I admire. To someone you love. It'll be sweet. Award shows are so interesting because they honestly in the grand scheme of things are inconsequential but then also they're not. Like, if you win, the world opens up

a little bit that wasn't there before. And the nominations also help open up a world a little bit that wasn't there before. And the nominations also help open up a world a little bit. So it does matter. What are you going to do with this new open world? I'm sorry. It's so exciting. And you deserve it so bad.

It's hilarious. Amber, thank you. Posting shit is hard. It's hard to find laughs because you're on your own. It is very hard. And in the beginning, and like nobody teaches you how to host. There's no like hosting school. The only thing that like I did that I think was super helpful was a lot of people who host shows have an earpiece.

And they are fed line by line via a producer with like the script or whatever. And was like i can't do that and they were like well why and i was like they're like it's really easy you just like repeat it and i was like yeah but like that's a line read if you like if you say a sentence a certain way i'll just repeat it and then i'll never figure out how i would actually say it and then they were like pretty receptive to it. It was like a little bit of a hassle, but like I just read a prompter and trying to make not reading a prompter, like make it look natural is also a skill in itself. Yeah. It's hard. Like hosting is very hard, but also easy because I'm just like.

Yeah. It's easy because you get to just live and be your goofy self. Yeah. But it's hard because it's up to you. Yes. It's got a clip along and that's on your shoulders. It's exciting. Hosting shit is exciting.

It is. Are you going to get like a big, beautiful gown to wear to your living room for the Zoom Emmys? Oh, my God. The Zoomies? The Zoomies. Oh, my goodness. That means we can get on Zoom and have like little watch parties with our little friends yes oh my gosh this is gonna be a good time yes i think so i'm gonna get so my

friend meatball i think is gonna make me a like uh like a fainting gown if you will like an old school like hollywood fainting gown and i think i'm gonna actually if the network provides a budget i might get a dress dress to like you know do pictures and be like this is my at home zoomy look and then actually watch it in my cute little fainting gown that's exciting I love the idea of a fainting gown. Right? And who knows what you have on under there. Maybe it gets crazy. Maybe I'll just have my titties out ready for my nipples to be cut off.

It's true love. Except you don't seem to be afraid of it. No. No, I. If someone cut off my nipples, think i would just be like hey why what are you what do you need my nipples for a spell i think i'd be more curious as to why you needed my nipples a spell is it to grow more nipples are you gonna grow nipples and sell them i want in on the nipple growing business dang it you're this pendulum swung too far the other way now you're too nice

someone cuts your nipples off you have to be mean to them yeah you gotta be like hey arg those are mine but seeing of growing nipples i have started a hobby in quarantine i started being a farmer so i have tomatoes i have two tomatoes a third one on the way it's like just blooming it's this little green tomato it's so cute i grew a cucumber but i didn't harvest harvest just means cutting it off the vine i thought harvesting had more i don't know what i thought harvesting was but uh i didn't cut it off soon enough so it started rotting on the vine and i struggled through eating half of this cucumber before i realized it was like bad it was like soured and weird and like mushy and i was like but i grew it and i gotta eat it

you shouldn't have said it like that. No, but my mouth was filled with this nasty cucumber. And John was like, I don't, it's not good. I was like, but I'm a farmer. So I don't know when I'm supposed to take my tomatoes off. They might be done, but they're not big. I want big, beautiful heirloom tomatoes and they're just like little tomatoes you have to let it go and see how big it gets even if it goes bad then you take

that one off you take one tiny bite and then put it right back on the vine tape it up and hope it keeps growing. It will. Have you picked up anything? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Not at all. I have been working like a dog. Oh, yeah. Because you're still fucking working. We're working at work.

Soon the Amber Ruffin show is going to start on Peacock. So watch your butts. Do you have an air date? We might. And I don't know. Okay. So wait, are you staying on Seth Meyers and doing the Amber Ruffin Show? That's right.

I'm doing both. Bitch, you a hard worker. She cashing double the checks. Woo, watch out. They rolled the fees into one so it'll be one check oh okay I also wrote a book

and I'm writing a musical damn girl you've been doing it and I've been doing nothing I am I'm approaching like okay this is a little too many damn, girl, you've been doing it and I've been doing nothing. I am approaching like, okay, this is a little too many. You're doing too many things.

Too many irons in the fire. But I don't like to say no and I like to do things that will get me other things. I love things. Yeah, I love things too. But truly during this quarantine, I've been like, I'll have none of the things, please. But like, brava. That's cool. When does your book come out? In January. Is it a, what kind of book? Can you talk about it at all? of racism because Lacey lives in Omaha, Nebraska and has, you know, forever. So she has heard some shit and, you know,

every weekend she'll call me and be like, you will never believe this. Damn. Someone asked me if I was Harriet Tubman because they had heard who it was. You know, all kinds of crazy stuff. It's the best. Is that a real story? The story is she had black history checks

and she gave the lady a check and the check had harriet tubman on it and the lady said oh wow you got checks with your picture and there are 500 stories exactly like that and we decided to put them in a book it just is too it's too insane that's really funny each story you got checks of your picture on them that is truly what a treat all right what a treat i know i've told this story on the podcast, but Sashira and I were driving in. This is me being racist. We were driving in Washington and she had a like a head wrap on and we had rented a drop top BMW convertible because. Oh, why not? And I was speeding.

We got pulled over and he was like, why were you speeding? And I said, I mean, look at this car. And then he walked away. And so she was like, you could have said anything at all. You were keeping up with traffic. You didn't know. And I was like, and then I looked at her. She had her head wrapped on.

I was like, I could have told him that I was taking you to freedom. And she was like, I swear to God, if you say that when he comes back, I will kill you. And I was like, OK, but like, it's pretty funny. It's funny will kill you. And I was like, okay, but like, it's pretty funny. It's funny. Thank you. But you have to take those chances. You gotta take a chance with a heavily racist joke every once in a while with a stranger. You gotta try it.

Once when I was living in Chicago, I was sitting at the Belmont stop waiting for the train to come. And it's me, the oldest black man in the world, and a bunch of frat children, white frat children, and they're being loud and rowdy. And we're sitting next to each other. We're all waiting for the train. And this guy is reading the newspaper. And we had been sitting there for a minute and the children got louder and louder. they were kind of getting on our nerves he puts the um newspaper down he looks at me he goes i better put this newspaper away because if master finds out we can read he gonna kill us and i laughed so hard i laughed forever it was the funniest thing i've ever heard anyway i do not know this man he did not know how I was going to react.

He just took a chance. Buddy, you made a new best friend for life. That was the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me. Perfect stranger. He's going to kill us. I love that man. Yeah, I love him. I want him to be my boyfriend.

No. He's too old to be your boyfriend. He was old then. He had a great sense of humor. I wonder if Master let him live. I wonder if he finally escaped to freedom. Because if so, I'm in freedom. And we could have freedom babies.

Who's allowed to be married now? Man, slave times were bad you know what you should you should write one of those movies but everyone talks how you talk guys this is not

okay oh my god I can't believe we're still slaves I went to sleep last night a slave and I woke up today a slave. This sucks, guys. Hey, get in here and clean my house. Oh my God, we don't want to. Please.

I often think about, not often, but sometimes I'll think that if I lived in slave time, I don't think I'd be a good slave. But I do think they'd be like, God, she's funny. She's very funny, but she is very bad at this. Which is, you know, a very dumb way to think about it, because I don't know if they'd care I was funny. Oh, my.

But I'd like to think that my humor would have saved me. You're the only person I know who feels that way. I hate thinking about it, but you have to. You can't help it. Yes. And I always think, oh, I would have just had a terrible time, then had a public breakdown. And then they'd be like, she's too much trouble. Mm-hmm.

And then they would murder me. I mean, hey, I'm sorry. We can't all be class clown on the plantation. Some of us have to die. I was voted class clown on the plantation before we made it to freedom. We almost made it to freedom, but then I kept honking my nose and they were like, oops.

The dogs were like, she's over there. We almost made it to freedom, but I kept tripping over my big shoes. We almost made it to freedom, but my suspenders broke. And I kept tripping over my pants. It is like, what do white people joke about? Like, do you think they get together on podcasts and they're like, I would have killed my slave, but then I tripped over my shoes.

I almost raped my slave, but then my nose got in the way. I'm the funniest slave master. I mean, seriously. What is funny to you what is funny to you i mean how do you do it yeah it's it's funny like i feel like because i got asked the question a lot recently. They're like, do you think black people will joke about, you know, this time period or whatever? And I'm like, I mean, yes, because we have to find the humor in like horrific things.

But like, how do white people find the humor in the horrific things that have happened i like i would honestly i challenge you oh baby i can't wait to see the responses but i challenge white people to figure out an actual funny way to make a good slave joke about them being slave owners Please do not tag me in these responses. Make sure to tag Amber Hudson and Nicole Byer in your white people own a slave jokes. And then we'll compile a list. I'm

taking screenshots. That's so funny. But also like it's funny because it's true. Where are your jokes? It was a huge part of your history too. Yes. But where are those jokes? It's just jokes.

Yeah. I like, I'm waiting for a dude to tell a good me too joke because a lot of them are just like, I'm afraid to talk right now. But I'm like, but what about, I would love to hear like a fun joke about how you found out your best friend's a rapist like i i just i think it's really interesting that like victims can make good jokes about shit but the predators or the people who have a tie to the predators or the oppressors have yet to figure out how to make jokes about it in a way that's like universally funny yeah i mean right or thank god yeah maybe it is that they can't but i mean maybe they are and they're just not our friends oh maybe you know maybe they are yeah oh yeah oh yeah i don't want to go down this road

make sure you tag us in your slave owner jokes no don't please don't you guys amber saying no but i'm saying yes and it's my podcast no kidding I'm begging you not to just like your slaves would have probably begged you to stop eating them it's the same thing it's the same thing oh boy well Amber

we've come to the end oh no mama no and I usually ask everybody this i've only missed a couple but would you date me absolutely oh what a treat thank you so much i need to be taken care of oh okay yes yes i am i'm gonna clean your house and cook you food i love it amber do you have anything you want to promote i mean you just said a hundred projects you're working on also what are you drinking is that a margarita i'm drinking

a paloma i almost always am drinking a margarita what's a paloma it's just grapefruit juice margarita oh i'm gonna have to taste that is that a salted rim or a sugared rim it's a Paloma? It's just grapefruit juice margarita. Oh, I'm going to have to taste that. Is that a salted rim or a sugared rim? It's a salted rim. There you go. I love tasting things on Zoom. Oh, no, everyone's out there. I have an excuse.

I have a drink. You don't. Yeah, I don't have a single drink in front of me. A lot of people will ask me if i'm drunk or high like when i'm working on nailed it or just in general i'm like oh no this is like baseline i'm just a silly person so like people who lose inhibitions when they drink i'm that's where i start so if i drink beware she wild. You're just a goofus. Well, you got a book coming out.

You got your own show coming out. People can still watch you on Seth Meyers where you're heavily featured. What else? We're all over the place. Yeah. You can follow Amber on Instagrams and the Twitters. Yay.

And Amber, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having me. Also, this is a look. You need to take a picture and put this on Instagram. This with my little hat? It's cute. It's real cute. Thank you.

This is the look when I travel, like not wearing makeup in my little hat. Are you not wearing makeup? No. So I have a filter on Zoom. So if you go to the little camera setting, video settings, touch up my appearance. That's what I've done. It just blurs you a little bit.

Ooh. Yes, see? Now you look all smooth and mattified. Whoa, yay. But the last flight I was on that I looked like this, the flight attendant was like, sir, what would you like to drink? And I was like, oh, may I have? And she went, oh, you are not a sir.

And then she walked away and I never got my drink because I think she was so embarrassed. And I was like, sir, ma'am, whatever. You can call me like Rover the dog. Just bring me my vodka soda yeah uh but if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can subscribe you can like it on itunes and if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will read it this person said i want to wrap you up in saran wrap like a not cursed sexy mummy when i I've got you wrapped blunt tight, I'll leave you in the car

windows cracked because this is love while I pick up a Bobolio pizza with all the naughty toppings. When I get you back home, I'll slit your saran wrap and collect your salty sweat drippings. Ew. I'll make a gravy with your body water and dump it on the pizza while we both jerk off to Spice World. Well, that was pretty frightening. I didn't love that one. I don't like that. But I do appreciate the effort.

You're too nice a person. You're too nice a human being. I appreciate that people even try, you know? Okay. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.