Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Code-Switching (w/ Gabby Sidibe)

Episode Date: August 14, 2020

Gabby Sidibe (Precious, American Horror Story, Empire) joins Nicole to discuss the problematic expectation to have to code switch at work, why Black women are often dealbreakers for Black men, and the crazy story behind dating a gay man for 3 years. Plus, they chat about watching 90 Day Fiancé in quarantine, and how they get mistaken for each other all the time.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Advertise on Why Won’t You Date Me via Gumball.fm

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out why I'm still single, even though you could throw all of my makeup off a cliff and then push me off a cliff.

And I would climb back up and say, excuse me, I love you. My guest today is an Oscar nominated actress. You know her from Precious, Tower Heist, Drunk History, BoJack Horseman, Difficult People, American Horror Story, Empire.

It's Gabby Sidibe! Hey! Boop-ba-da-boo! Scat-a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Hello. Hello. That's usually how people respond to this. They're like, that was so much.

Why would you do all that? It's because I'm extra. So extra. Also, I'm sitting with the Emmy-nominated host of Nailed It. Yay! Congrats! Gabby, thank you so much. It's so insane.

I cannot believe it. Before we start, I just want to say the amount of times i've been mistaken for you of course is so funny i once was at fox and at the gate i gave my id which says my name on it and the guard looked at and he went oh my god and i was like yes he was like i loved you in precious the just the depth of your performance and i was like well but i need you to look at the name the name the names don't uh but want to know what i said i said thank you you know what i'm glad that you did okay i'm glad that you did because honestly your performance in precious was a tour de force. You should have won. Yes, yes.

I should have won. And I'm proud of you. Thank you. I get mistaken for you, too, if that helps. Really? Yeah, I've been mistaken for you a few times. Yeah. That's crazy to me because you've had a better career than me.

I mean, like, it was when you were on Girl Code. Like, this guy in the airport for sure this white dude was like miss miss you're on girl code right and i was like no not me another fat black woman actually there's a lot of us so i mean but like if you think about it in comparison to like thin brown haired white women, there isn't. There's like a solid 10 of us in our age range who work. And the amount of white ladies with brown hair, there's, I would say, approximately 17,000 of them. And people can get their names straight.

So I don't get it. Yeah, they really can get them straight, which is stupid. And I hate it. But you know what? Also, I do kind of think that we might look alike a bit. Not enough to be mistaken, but... Yes. So, Gabby, where do you live?

Do you live in LA or do you live in New York? I live in LA. I'm from New York, but moved to LA a few years ago. Oh, okay. Where in New York? Are you from the city? Mm-hmm. I was born in Brooklyn and raised in Harlem. Oh, okay. Where in New York? Are you from the city? Mm-hmm. I was born in Brooklyn

and raised in Harlem. Oh, okay. I lived in Harlem for a little bit and I miss it a lot. Yeah. I mean, I loved Harlem so much.

I, like, moved there when I was, like, nine or ten and I loved it. I loved Brooklyn a lot, too. I have a weird thing. Like, whenever I'm done with with something i super need to divorce it so by the end of my like sort of time in new york i like kind of hated it but now i'm back to loving

it and i miss my city so much i wish i could go there so badly same and i think the reason why i miss it so much is specifically right now I can't go I can't really go anywhere uh and I would be in New York every couple of months so I would see like my friends in New York every couple months and now it's just like the zooms and the facetimes aren't cutting it anymore it's almost like stupid yeah like my mom so like my all of my family, my immediate family is in New York. And I used to go in every other month to like do a day with my mom where we would get like our hair done and nails done and stuff like that. And I would take her to dinner. I also would take her to see a play, to see a musical and stuff. And I haven't been able to do that since January.

And that sucks. Yeah. Yeah. january and that sucks yeah yeah if only our dumb president could figure some shit out yeah honestly i can't even 100 blame trump because we're also the only country that believes it's a hoax no no no other countries berlin in berlin today i believe there was a march to say that this is the end of Corona, even though I think today was the highest number of deaths. It's I think people just I think what's happening is Corona is not tangible and people love to see something to believe it. So they're just like this thing floating in the sky. How can I believe it so they're just like this thing floating in the sky how can i believe it

you know it's it doesn't even help if they see their like family members die or anything like that because like i really think that i really think that people are like well it's not going to happen to me there's like almost an invincibility factor to it like not me never me and then and then we've got a bunch of people being like, young people don't get it. Kids don't get it. And it's like, yeah, but they're carriers. Also, a nine year old black girl died in Florida. The youngest person in the entire state died of coronavirus less than two weeks ago.

Yes, kids can get it. And kids are also dying from it. I gotta say, Florida has been the worst at handling this. Yeah, not great. I was with you on whether or not Black people could get it at first. I was so disappointed. I said, hold on. I said, wait a minute.

You're telling me that Black folks... Wait, but you're saying we're getting it worse than everybody else? Uh-huh. No, no, no. I just feel like racism fixed this. And I kind of feel like, yeah, reparation should be not getting Corona, but it ain't. Yep. Yep. That would have been a nice universe gift giving to us. What have you, I assume you've been inside. What have you been doing the past the time? I know that's a very boring question, but you know. been doing the past the time? I know that's a very boring question, but you know.

So, okay. So I'm currently in my second phase of quarantine. So when I was, when it first happened, I was shooting Empire in Chicago and where I live for the last six years working. And it was literally our last season. We had two more episodes of the entire series to shoot when they shut everything down. So, but at first they were like, uh, yeah, we don't know what's going to happen. We're just going to shut down for a bit and we'll be back in a bit to, to film this. Meanwhile, I have to like move out of my apartment and back into like LA. And, um, and it was, it just never, it just never came back. It just was awful.

And I had too much stuff. And then I found out that cats can get Corona and I have a cat and he is the most handsome cat in the world, but isn't great at putting on a mask. And so I realized that I had to drive from Chicago to Los Angeles, 31 hours of driving. Three days. And it truly does feel like a second phase of it, which is nice.

Because in Chicago, I couldn't, like, go outside because people, you know. And now I can, like, walk outside and there's not so many people around and I can be in the backyard. So it's nice. So mostly, to answer your question? What have I been doing? At first I pretended that I was going to get really, really, really into, um, yoga and meditating. So I did that for six days. And then, um, I started cooking. I started learning to cook and I pretty much just sit around watching 90 Day Fiance. Yes. I love 90 Day Fiance. Are you all caught up on Happily Ever After?

Very much so caught up. Yes, very much so. So like I at the beginning of the quarantine, my boyfriend had never even heard of 90 Day Fiance. I got him into it. He watches every iteration of it. We're super into it. We got each other cameos of like he got me a big ed cameo for our anniversary and i got him a darcy one darcy's amazing darcy's hammered in every cameo she really is she's so drunk in these it's like she's like

just smashing a bottle of wine. She's like, I'm not coming. You'll pick yourself up. With the headband and the hair poking out. Yes. It's incredible. Darcy, I cannot wait for her show. She and Stacey deserve. And it's going to be bananas.

Did you ever see the YouTube of their first show? Of course I have. Yes. Where Darcy's married to frank and frank is a rapper i love 90 days so much it is the one thing keeping me alive you know what's going on with paul and karini right now she's pregnant for a second time yes and she called the cops on paul and ran away from him she ran ran away from Paul for once. Yes.

Interesting. And then Paul was in the hospital and said he tested positive for an STD, but he hasn't cheated on Karini. Then how did you get it? I don't know the stories. It's currently unfolding. I cannot. Okay, so I just found out that Nicole of Nicole and Azen left her baby in America and went to move to Morocco. They still ain't married.

They still ain't never opened that store or gym or whatever the hell it was supposed to be. And they're like, she hasn't seen her kid in so long. And I'm like, what? For Azen? But here's the flip side. Some people think she's not with Azenin that she's actually at home and posting old pictures because people have been zooming in in the backgrounds of her pictures being like i think this is in your house these people are the messiest people i think i love them no because

like nicole's not even on the show anymore but i would love her back i would also love her back and i would love to see little may i love may and then her daddy keeps getting arrested for crack may's dad no uh nicole's dad for crack this demand that she wanted to pay for asin's ability to come to new york to to america couldn't pay because he needed to crack. Hold on. The thing about crack is, and like, don't ask me how I know, but I know, crack is cheap. Like, it's not even that expensive. You know, because Whitney told you, crack is cheap. She told everybody.

Yeah, that's cheap for me. Oh, Whitney, I miss her. Yeah, me too. Her documentary, have you ever seen it i saw both of them yeah like because i feel like two came in around the same time but yeah i liked it i just didn't want to know that much about i wanted to know more about like the singing i was like tell me how she like you know got the songs and chose her songs i was like i don't want to know about her personal life the woman's dead she can't you know rebuttal what y'all are saying about her that's true i mean it was but that also

is why they did the i know documentary i might just leave her alone like we all know that she and robin were more than just friends yeah and we know a lot of pain yeah we know that like you know her family life was what it was and like yeah we yeah, we get it. It's just a sad, it's a really, really sad story, especially for how much healing like her voice brought to people that she could never find that same healing. So it's just a really, really sad story. I get weird about documentaries about people once they're gone. and some people that are just really really private but are still here like i'm just like no i don't know you don't want me to know this but you're gonna tell me i'll let you keep it i get really nervous i can't do it yeah it's a little it's invasive yeah um we will get to dating but all right i do want to know as a fat black woman in hollywood who sounds you sound like me and i've had issues with the way my voice sounds at auditions and stuff did you run into that problem or no because your first job you were nominated for an oscar so like for someone to

be like that's not right is like go fuck fuck yourself. I was nominated for the highest fucking honor. So did you run into any issues? Yeah, I do. I do. Because, like, my voice, yes. The thing about our voices is that it's, and I got in trouble for saying this once, but it just is what it is. And I'm grown. You can't put me in trouble. But it's not what people think the typical Black girl should sound like.

Especially, I'm from, I'm dead ass from Bed-Stuy and grew up in Harlem. And this is still my voice because my father has a French accent because he's Senegalese. My mother has a Southern accent and I have an accent that I saw on TV. And that's just is what it is. But my whole life I was made fun of. Like in junior high, people like my friends used to be be like you sound like you was adopted by white people and I mean so like because they were making fun of my voice I figured out a way to make fun of their voice and it's like and so that's just sort of when I went into audition for for precious I put on the accent that and to be fair it's not

necessarily foreign to me I do speak like that. I speak the way I speak whenever it hits. Like, this is all true. Yeah, code switching. Yeah, I code switch quite a bit. And so I just code switch to that voice. But even on set, and like when the director met me, he was like, wait, this is your real voice? Like, this is what you really are?

And then while we were shooting, he would make me deepen my voice. Deep, deeper, wait, this is your real voice? Like, this is what you really are? And then while we were shooting, he would make me deepen my voice. Deep, deeper, deeper, deeper. Always guttural, guttural, guttural. Because my natural voice is a little high. And so, and even now, yeah, I do, every now and then I'm working with a director and they're like, can you, can you just, you know, they like move their neck and their finger just because

they don't want to say black girl be more black girl the word they do come up with is sassy can you just get a little more sassy and i know what that is um i know what you mean by that and no because i also like it's a right shirt like this is I'm a black girl I'm black as shit I'm super black I'm so black I'm African I'm black this is also my voice and to tell me that I'm not because of my voice or to tell me that I'm not black because I don't eat watermelon or whatever the fuck it is

like that's stupid you don't eat watermelon I don't like it I don't like it honestly I am shooketh I am I cannot believe I love watermelon I don't like it. Honestly, I am shooketh. I am floored. I cannot believe I love watermelon. I don't, I just like it, the way it breaks down in my mouth

and I'm like, it's a texture thing. Oh, do you like fried chicken? Are other stereotypes? Correct, yes, yes. Correct. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I enjoy other black stereotypes like chick,

fried chicken and freedom. Grape soda? Yes, I love those. Not it does. I enjoy other black stereotypes like fried chicken and freedom. Grape soda? Yes. I love those. Not a big fan of grape soda. You don't like grape soda. I like orange. I like orange and I like strawberry Fanta.

Okay. All right. All right. I agree with you. It is erasure because I sound like this and that's's like that's what it is that's i'm a black person who sounds like this my sister sounds like me uh my mother sounds like me too yeah my mother would code switch quite a bit because she was from mississippi moved to chicago so it was kind of like a southerny hot like every black person i feel like in chicago kind of sounds like they're

from the south everyone Everyone, yes. And then we were in Jersey. So she would switch between sounding like, you know, a person straight up from Chicago. And then a nice woman who was light skinned and just, you know, a good Negro, you know, just a high yellow. One of the good ones. Got it. The good ones got it the good ones and then my dad was from Barbados moved to Chicago and then in Jersey so he I think was always listening so he sounded like somebody who lived in Chicago was trying to sound like someone from Chicago with a little bit of island and then

a little bit of Jersey because he would say some things where i would be like what and he'd be like go for a walk and you're like you said walk and he's like what what is it i'm like walk and it's so it was just like that's what i have now i have like a weird hodgepodge of what i sound like and you know if i talk to someone from jersey i tend to sound more jersey or if i sound like if i talk to my cousins, I sound more like someone from Chicago. So it's just like, yeah, you code switch. So, yeah, don't instead of saying like sassier or I've literally heard, can you be blacker? Like a woman literally said that to my face.

It's like, well, tell me what kind of black you would like. Yeah. Let me see you do it since you want to perform blackness. Why don't you go ahead and perform blackness so i can see yes do you give me a line read on that yeah give me your examples of blackness please thank you but i i'll tell you some casting directors would be like finally ah permission can i say the n-word while i do that impression fucking no okay real quick we have to take a break while I do that impression. Fucking no. Okay, real quick, we have to take a break.

And we're back. Okay, so Gabby, you have a boyfriend. How long have you guys been together? It's been less than two years years but it's like 18 months okay all right i like that you said 18 months because that's how people say the ages of like their toddlers up until i guess they get to three maybe no i've never heard like 26 months yeah like right up until two yeah okay so you're still like a toddler in your relationship. How did you guys meet? Oh my God.

It's the, so it's so stupid. Um, on Raya, because I, okay. So like, yeah,

living, I was shooting, I was shooting in Chicago for 10 months out of the year. And I just never date. I just didn't. And I tried so hard to date in Chicago. And I met this one guy who was a liar. Like, it was bananas.

He was out of his mind. And also he had stolen his brother. Wait, he what? He's stolen his brother's identity. And his name is very particular. And so I like mentioned his, I was like, and this guy's a liar. And this is that particular and so i like mentioned his i was like and this guy's a liar and this is that i mentioned to my friend's boyfriend who's in finance he was like wait a minute that last name oh i know that guy is he in banking he's like yeah

i was like yeah he said he worked at this bank blah blah blah and he's like oh let me look through my emails and he found the name but it was his brother's name so he had stolen his brother's identity to present to me but it was like it just like, so dating is a goddamn nightmare. So I don't do it. But I... Honestly, I am impressed. Nobody has ever lied about their identity to impress me. So like, I think you're lucky.

This guy, I could write a book on this idiot. Because he, we like went out, we were talking once and I was talking about how like different trips that I've taken to Africa. And he was like, yeah, I want to go to Ireland one day. And I was like, black man, you ain't got no goals to go to Africa. the next day he calls me and he's like uh i remembered that i actually did go to africa uh-huh yeah and like he sounded like a liar too like he had no no like he had no fronting at all like i was like uh yeah i went to south africa um and uh i was eight and um and i said i because i knew he was lying i said did you stay in a hotel or at a house i gave him the option i knew he was gonna choose house because he doesn't know any names of hotels and i've asked i've been to south africa to the part where he said he was going so like he's like a house and then he told me this wackadoo story about like

how he like jumped off a boat because there were sharks in the thing and he's eight years old i was like you're a goddamn liar you don't have to do this like whatever whatever this is I swear you don't have to do it yeah so dating is like terrible so I just sort of wrote it off and I was a little too busy for it anyway but I promise can I ask a question about the um the liar you don't have to answer this but was the

dick good oh I never fucked that guy oh okay okay he was like he honestly like he really really showed up in who he was very very early like we never got like never a kiss or anything i also get very weird i don't love being touched in general i don't love being touched by strangers and i have to like it's a little i need some time because i'm a bit of an empath and people tend to leave prints on me and so like I kind of tend

to move a little slower in that space and I saw him like two times and each time he like had some wild cockamamie lie and I was like um I think I'm gonna just be cool on you like and that's yeah I mean he's

probably he's a liar so he's probably telling people he hit or whatever. He probably got me pregnant and I had, or whatever. Like, whatever narrative he thought it was, but, like, never felt the dick at all. Okay. You were saying you promised your therapist. That I would, that I would try to date and that I would go on Raya.

And I had, like, a thing against Raya for such a long time because like, I was like, I can't be on like eHarmony and like all these other apps. Like I can't do that. But there is Raya and like, they're like, yeah, it's more secretive. I was like, yeah, but I know everybody on Raya. So I like know who's on Raya.

So I feel like people know that I'm on Raya and I don't want to, like, I was like failing in my my fantasy of what Raya is. And we but I promised my therapist and I got on. I thought it would take longer than it did. And it just didn't. And I was on it. And my boyfriend was like, like, I don't know. I think he I asked him why. Because I was like, I don't know why Swift swiped on you. I don't know i think he i asked him why because i was like i

don't know why swiped swiped on you i don't know why i have no idea i don't remember but he was like yeah i was just swiping on literally everybody and i was like oh that's so nice i was like what was it about me that like made you swipe like was it was it like my was it like my my beautiful face or he's, I was swiping on everybody. Didn't even see you. Was surprised you swiped on me. That is so funny because that's what people have told me. They're like, oh, men are pretty, like, not disconcerted.

Like, they're just swiping to be swiping and seeing what's going to stick and then see if they like what sticks. And I was like okay way to make a girl feel so special yeah it's uh yeah also like i have a problem with raya too because raya is so very white and like yes yes you like like, you're bi-ish or something. I'm sorry, I should not identify you. Oh, no, I just identify as slutty. I just refuse to say no to anybody. But so you're open to your right,

your accounts are open to both men and females. So mine is just male, which is so much harder for a black woman. And so like all of my pool is so much smaller and my pool was mostly white and i was like where the brother's at and i realized and i have another friend who's on it and she's like half black and like an asian and is like beautiful like beautiful like long hair the skin that these dudes like you know and i And I was like, there's no Black men. And she's like, oh, no, look at mine. It was like fucking Marcy Projects on her shit.

Really? Because that's, yes, because all the Black men, they don't want me. What? I don't imagine if I stress myself out about that but but hers but it's it's preference and she is preferred that is so wild i mean i guess that makes sense i never see black people on raya men women trans non-binary like i don't see any black people on my raya to the point where i don't go on raya anymore i still pay for it i think i pay my 30 fucking dollars a month or something like that

i pay for it still too been in this relationship for eight i'm not swiping on man like i'm literally not looking i keep it so that i can get the friend code to give to my friends that are so single that's the only reason well i'm I'm a good person. She a giving diva. Come on now. She's so nice. That's why I keep it. Do you remember your first date? With my boyfriend?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. It was, one, he kept, like, hitting on me and was like, oh, you know, if you ever want to talk, here's my number. And I would, like, let that go over my head and be like so yeah my cat's here so bye or whatever like and then um he kept like saying stuff like you ever want to hang out whatever blah and then one day we were texting about something or we were we me on the app and i feel it i'm like oh i better message him and tell him that i will literally suck his dick until tomorrow like i yeah i'm starting to think that but like honestly i'm starting to think that that

that don't work see okay another thing. Another thing that I did. Yes. I promised my therapist that I was going to try and date, but also my new year's resolution was to be meaner to men. I don't know why. I have no idea. I'm such a nice girl. Usually they love bitches. They, they love bitches and I don't get it.

So I was, I was pretty mean to him at first pretty me and even he'll say he's like yeah if you were nice i probably wouldn't have been in like i would be like what's her problem insane it feels so counterintuitive to be like i'm gonna be mean to this man that i like really desperately want then again, I guess you didn't want it because you were only fulfilling an obligation to start dating. Kind of. And honestly, to keep it 100% with you, I was actually trying to slide into my second hoe phase. So I had my original hoe phase in my early 20s. And I thought, now's the time for another.

And I thought, now's the time for another. Because the other thing is, I was celibate forever. Forever. Not even because I wanted to be. But I'm just really, really, really terrible at dating. Super bad at it. It's bad. I'm really, really bad at it.

And so I just was like, actually, I'm just going to be meaner. I'm not going to have any hope in this. I'm not going to be like'm just going to be meaner. I'm not going to have any hope in this. I'm not going to be like, oh, this is the boyfriend. I'm not going to do any of that shit. And it just happened so easily and so naturally. I'm not mean to my boyfriend anymore. Also, this is like, this is the kind of relationship that was like, like, even my therapist was like, if you ignore this, you ignoring God. Like my therapist said that. My therapist was like, you ignore this you ignoring god like my therapist said that my therapist was

like this is this is obviously god and so and it and it and it is like it's the most it is a hundred percent a relationship that i did not think i was capable of ever having i love that it is it's incredible it's so stupid i actually trust him and i do i think look the bar for men is buried in the ground yeah i don't know where i've heard it from and i know i've said on the podcast before but truly the bar is so low for men it's literally the ground yeah and he's he's just it's so weird he's not like it's not it's so it's crazy. I just feel what it is. I feel safe there. It's kind of hard to explain. But the short way of saying it is that I don't I didn't grow up feeling safe.

up feeling safe like i never felt safe not because my neighborhood was rough or whatever because i was always told i was too dark too fat to this to that and um so i never felt safe in my body safe in any space safe with friends because like my friends were like yeah i only became friends with you because i felt sorry or whatever the fuck that is and so um, but sitting with him, I feel safe. Like, I really feel like, oh, this is not going to hurt me at all. Like, he's not going to hurt me. And it's so stupid how I had to sort of unlearn, like, all of these different things

that I thought about myself, that I, this wall I build around myself. And I had to sort of, like, I wanted to. I didn't have to. I just wanted to let him in and he is it's the greatest relationship I've ever had it's also the only relationship I mean my last boyfriend was absolutely a gay dude 100% this guy's not he's not he's not wait how long did you date this gay man for? Three years. Three years?

It was, the thing is, okay, okay. So, like, it's so hard to explain because I felt like. Well, you're gonna have to. I need to hear about this. All right, let me dig in. Okay, so at some point, we, like, this is, like, literally at the very beginning of me becoming an actor but like kind of a recognizable actor because like i shot like precious was my first film ever and so it was i was not an actress before it so i shot that one film and then basically waited like a year and a half for it

to come out and while i was waiting i worked at a like charity and at the then there was like a bank and so like we this other guy this guy worked there and he started like hitting on me or whatever and I was like okay I guess because it felt like everything else in my life was good and that like oh okay then this should be good too then there should be some romantic thing that's happening so that all of the fireworks in my life could be going like going off at the same time yep i get that yeah and i was like and he was i mean it was so he was so like gaslighting wasn't even a term then but this mother like we never we never ever had sex for three years yeah i mean yeah for three because it was because he kept moving the goalposts like it would be i'd

be like hey and also like i'm still so like young when it comes to relationships and stuff like that like i used to be like i have the sexuality of a of a carrot of like of an 11 year old i'm so far behind and so um it was it took me a long time to be like um hey how come we like never have sex and then he was like well um you know if your bedspread was white then i would understand then you know that because i just get weird about dirt and stuff and so like if it were white then i was like i could fix that i have money i could get to target here's my card give me my white sheets so i can get the bucket so then i changed my bed and everything and then he'd be like ah see this one time i got bed bugs and like they could be lurking and i just feel like i'm really scared to have you know and then i was like oh okay and

then i like did everything to make sure that i didn't i guess like a fucking idiot and then he was like i just really feel like i need to trust you more because i feel because my heart is really open and i'm emotional and stuff and you could really hurt me because like you be hanging out with actors and shit and like like some bullshit and i was like all right and but like what i did was i looked at me in the mirror and said you gotta let him trust you you gotta be better you gotta be a better person so that he knows that you won't hurt him and then i did that and then it then i again and at this point we're like a year and a half, two years in. And now he's like, well, before I started dating you, I had an epiphany and God spoke to me and God told me that I need to stop doing everything I'm doing. And so since then, I haven't had sex at all. And I feel like that was God preparing me for you.

Like, treat this one differently. Gabby, this is legit nuts. For three years, this man told you to change your bedspread, get rid of the bed bugs that didn't exist. And that God told him not to. This is exactly why you got to start being mean to me. Fuck them. Fuck them. What?

Are you serious? And the whole time, so like after I broke up with him, and like to be fair, we were off and on for like three years. We were one year solid. And then I was like, I'm actually done here. Like super done here. He was like i'm actually done here um like super done here he was like weird he had a lot of weird stuff he had like a lot of weird stuff going on with him but i just kept being like oh i guess i'm nice about it he'd be like weirdly jealous of me

like one time he went to a premiere because he wanted to go and like and again like he was he worked at like a building um he didn't do what i do like i just mean not that he worked at a building that's not it's just that he didn't know i'm gonna use that i'm truly stealing that to describe anybody who's not an actor oh no they don't act they work in a building but he yeah so he'd be working at the building and um i took him to and like this whole thing it was like going to the hamptons getting a car to go to the whole thing just because he wanted to go and then once we get there like there was a director i'd worked at work with in the car ahead of us so when we got out like he came over and like kissed me and stuff like that was talking

to me and then there's the role of like the step and repeat that i have to do because i said i'd come to this event because you wanted to go. So I can do that. And at the same time, I'm also because I'm gaslighted to believe that I'm the trouble in his life and I have to prove to him that I'm a good that I'm good for him. At the same time, literally fielding questions and taking pictures to be like, do you need a drink, baby? Boo, boo, you want some crack? I can can get you i will ask him to get you some nuts like this is at the same time and at the end at some point i look over to him and he is he's got the nastiest glare on his face looking at me and like but i saw i'm also at work i'm embarrassed

so like i go what is i pull him aside and go, what, what is wrong? Like, why are you, what's going on? And he's like, I just feel like, I feel like you're a wedding dress and I'm the train of the wedding dress.

Oh my God. I should have known the fuck this, right? Yeah. I should have known. You should have known he was gay. No straight man knows what parts of a dress. Yeah, exactly.

He was like, I was was like what does that mean he's like nobody he's like the show is the dress and the train gets all dusty and stuff and nobody sees it and it's dirty nobody gives a shit about him yeah and i was like sam i work here and you don't like you don't like you you i was like when i go to your job nobody asks me to i don't know work in a building or when you walk to the building you're not like excuse me I'm in the building everybody must pay attention to but honestly people would have paid attention to you in

the building because you have notoriety well yeah but also he was like the other stupid thing he was like I just like my women to be girlier like you know wear dresses and makeup and stuff but he said this to me while I was wearing heels makeup and a dress and i was like i was like you also i'm super girly like i'm like dumb i'm embarrassingly girly and so it just he was so mean and eventually it it i ended it

ended it ended it oh my god the story oh so it's bad so um he never got drunk he would never have fun with me he was never never fun but he used to be fun before me cool got it wait he said that to you out loud yeah like this man is a literal demon my god my my family and friends like wanted to line up to whoop his ass yes he was that bad but like he so like he used to okay so he would not go to parties not drink not anything like that and he also would never spend the night at my house i lived alone he lived alone never let me spend the night never like never so the one one time he's like i have to go to this work event uh i one of my co-workers is having a going away party so I have to go to this work event. One of my co-workers is having a going away party.

So I need to go. I'm going to come over after. He comes over after drunk. It's midnight. He passes out. It's the first time he's ever sleeping over at my house, but he's on the couch, passed out, drunk. Again, he'll never drink with me. I go to bed. I wake up maybe an hour later.

He's gone. No, no, no, nothing. No call. Like the next day didn't text me nothing. And so I was like, well, I'm done here. And then eventually he started calling me again. And he like loved me back into this relationship somehow. But I didn't see him for like a month.

And he'd be like, I just really miss you. I miss you. I'm like, well, you live 20 minutes away. Like, I'll come over. You can come over. You can see me whenever. And he's like, no, no, no. I just need some time no my house is dirty blah blah blah yada yada this and that and then like a month after that he was like all right i gotta tell you something

and i was like what he's like okay so i moved to uh he moved to some other place like arkansas something i moved to arkansas two months ago i dated a man who did that too the going away party was his that's wild that is wild he didn't do that to me but he texts i was like where have you been and he was like i moved to north carolina and i was like say what it was literally crazy of your relationship like that? Kind of. We were on and off. Oh, my God. I think for three years. Oh, my God.

Is this the same person? Maybe it was two years. No, I think it was like three. But we were like on and off. We were on. And while we were on towards the end, he hadn't texted me in a while. We agreed that we were officially dating. And then I texted him. I was like, what is happening? You're not calling. I haven't heard from you. He was like, oh that we were like officially dating. And then he, I texted him.

I was like, what is happening? You're not calling. I haven't heard from you. He was like, oh, I started dating somebody else. And I moved in with them. And I was like, say what? And then they broke up. We started sleeping together again.

And then I didn't, again, didn't hear from him. And then I was like, where are you? And he was like, moved to North Carolina and I'm taking online classes. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, like well obviously this is done and then he moved back to la and then texted me to be like hey i need a couch to sleep on and i was like no no no no no i'm done never that's how i was done with him but like that is so wild to say it's a co-worker's going away party it's his fucking going away party passed out on your couch i haven't moved to arkansas and on top of that like he bought a house bought a car did all these things and also bought a house with his brother

who i kept being like it's weird the you and your brother don't even look alike. Y'all don't even look alike. Even if y'all had the same daddy or just the same mama, y'all would look alike. But y'all don't look alike. And then all of a sudden, he was like, yeah, we did this and we blah, blah, blah. But he was still gaslighting me, talking about some, you know, I want you to come

by for Christmas. Like, I want to get you up here. And like, maybe one day, you know, we get married and you could be like, maybe you'll quit the business and become like a real housewife of Arkansas dead ass he asked me to do that that is so wild I can't even like get into the logistics of how his brain thought this was okay yeah I honestly think it was like the the three previous years of me believing certain things just me being like although at some point I said it was like the three previous years of me believing certain things. Just me being like, although at some point I said it. But like also he like, so the thing getting to like him being gay. I'm not just being like, he dumped me so he's gay.

Like that's no. No, he stole four pairs of heels from me. It was the way he would act whenever somebody was like, whenever I was like in a dress and like at an event, he was so mean and so like weirdly jealous. And then and also moved in with his quote, I'm using air quotes, moved in with his brother. And then also he had a friend that I knew was gay, but he would lie to me and tell me he wasn't. I'm like, he's gay's gay and then he'd be like weird about it and then once so like after we broke up so like after the arkansas stuff like i so like when i'm done i'm super done so block number everything nothing there's no more coming

back there's nothing nothing nothing you're in a different state that's actually better for me if you're over there i can truly truly stop hurting but i snoop and i went back back back back in the friends um that that i knew was gay i went in his facebook to june now june in new york june is pride month yes it is and so so he wrote the friend wrote you know what i'm a proud gay black man and i'm gonna go out and live my life. And I was like, I knew that he was gay. But first comment was,

guess who? My man. At that time. Talking about some, all right, so where we going, bitch? And then, and he's like,

yeah, yeah. That is wild. He said something like, same thing we do every year. You coming to get me, I'm coming, blah, blah, blah, y'all be going to go to Spl gonna go to splash and then he says all right i'm already drunk this dude who would never drink with me who told me he doesn't do it because god told him not to do it it just was a mess and honestly

i was he was an asshole he was he was obviously the devil and i had too much hope and i was super naive and i just kept thinking well this part needs to fit it needs to one day he will love me but i would sit next to him on the couch in my house and i could feel his hate and contempt for me walking off of him you know when someone doesn't like you but i'm in a relationship with this dude like it was like it was like never making out and i have i cannot confirm whether or not he's a dick truly that is so wild the wildest thing to me is he was a fun person for everybody else splash used to be one of my favorite clubs to go to in new york same i loved it and duplex oh yes i mean i i truly can't fathom anybody wanting, like, that's exhausting for him to come up with lies and to, like, actively hate you while he's with you. Yeah. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

That sucks because then that affects you. Then it's like, who else is lying to me? Yeah. affects you then it's like who else is lying to me yeah and also i know that i know that that relationship and what it was and his intentions in that relationship are directly connected to what i do for a living i know that i know that and like the weird thing is like the weird thing is like let me keep it let me keep it real with you real quick. I'm gorgeous. Two, I'm funny. Three, I'm dope as fuck.

You should be so lucky. I'm dope. I'm dope, though. Like, I really am. I'm just super fun. I have a fun time. It's all good. It's strange that he never got past whatever his intentions were to actually see me you know like he never showed up for like i he still to this day has no he's never really experienced me because he did

not want to because his eyes were on whatever the prize was like but it's so funny whatever the prize was he could have had by being your you know you could have been his best judy like you you could have been like the best of friends or whatever yeah yeah but he could have just been my friend like it didn't have to be it didn't have like he's the one that insisted on a relationship that was him it was and i just was like okay cool that's a puzzle piece that i can jam into blaze but it's but also i'm uh is this is to sound like some you pray love shit. I am grateful to that relationship. Not him because he's a piece of shit.

But what I experience in that relationship. Because that's how I know. I know now that that's not good. That that always hurts. That a narcissist, which is what he was, will always hurt me. That there's no there's no gold buried under there and i needed to go through that to appreciate my current boyfriend who is a like a complete from a different universe entirely i have no questions about whether like i can i sit next to him on the couch and i feel him loving me it's too like it's a it's not too much it's so much i'm so sure i'm so confident in his

feelings for me it's uh and it's like it's not like some fetish it's not like some other thing like he's not trying to get off of me like it's not like about getting some million like in what sucks and he has to go through a lot of shit because like when people like found uh pictures of him him and i and like we're like oh she's dating. Like all in the gossips sites and stuff like that. And people were like, he looks like a meth head. And he looks like he's just using her. And people were literally in my... Black people who look exactly like me were in my DMs being like, girl, he's just using you.

And that's it. And I'm like, what's the evidence that he's using me? What I look like. That's what it is. You see what I look like and you say, oh, but she's fat. Oh, but she's it. And I'm like, what's the evidence that he's using me? What I look like. That's what it is. You see what I look like and you say, oh, but she's fat. Oh, but she's this. Oh, but she's that. So like, no one can possibly love her.

And I'll tell you, I believe that about myself too. I did. I believe that. Because my entire life, again, the way I'd never felt safe, I was always told that I would never be loved until I lost weight. I would never be loved because of this reason. I would never be loved because of this reason. I would never be loved because of that. And he, he, like, he, like, he loves me so much that he is a better person, which sounds crazy. Mm-hmm.

Like, which, which sounds crazy. But, like, it's, I'm, obviously, I'm a better person. obviously I'm a better person. Learning and knowing how to let someone love me and learning that like, that everyone was wrong, including me. They were all wrong and that I do deserve and I can have. And on top of that, even if he goes away,

like if something happens, he goes away, I still possess the ability to be loved, because I always have. Fuck his skin color, fuck his size, fuck all that shit. Like, I am a person who deserves love and

is capable of being loved. And we all are, and I believed that lie for so long. It's crazy what lies we will believe like my therapist always says feelings aren't facts and I feel like you and so many other people had this notion and some still have this notion that like life begins after you look a little different like not even just with relationships like Like I've had people reach out. I started a roller skating gang. I made like six of my good friends by roller roller skates and we skate on

Tuesdays and we're not good. We're all varying levels of moving forward and standing still. And some fat people have reached out and been like, uh, where did you get your roller skates from? I didn't know fat people could roller skate. And I was like, I don't think there's a weight limit. And guess what? If a wheel falls off from me being too heavy,

I'll just go buy some more wheels. Like, you don't have to wait to be loved at a certain size. You don't have to wait to roller skate to be a certain size. It's like my mom, so like my dad's from Barbados, and I always was like, when are we going to go? I want to go. My mom was like, we'll go when I can wear a bikini. And my mom was fat and she died before she got down to the size that she thought was appropriate to be in a bikini. And I think that stayed with me in my brain because I was like, well, no, I'm not going to wait to do a lot of things. And for most of my life, I've been, been you know pretty adventurous and doing all that sort of shit but like i don't like relationships are the only thing where like i don't love myself the most and i know that i let dudes treat me any sort of way and i dated a guy who like would make me breakfast like the next day and i was like my god that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done and then my therapist was like but don't you think that's the base minimum that if you stay at someone's house and they eat

breakfast that they make you breakfast too and i was like ah fuck yeah and then like the dude before that i was like he pays for my uber's home right at immediately after we fuck and she was like okay but like again isn't that like a gentlemanly thing to do the base thing that he could be doing and then like the dude before that i was like he doesn't yell at me she's like nicole like nicole like he never choked me to death so i'm gonna marry him he didn't spit in my mouth so you know i think this is pro so like every dude i've like talked to her about truly the thing she always says is well now we know that this niceness exists so that exists more exists so the next one will just be better than the last because your standards have now been raised

so i think sometimes people will be like i think your standards are too high and i'm like they're not too high i just now in my old age i'm 76 years old respect myself too fucking much to have some dude disrespect me and sometimes i get digmatized you know it happens to the best of us but like i have to understand that like a good dick needs to be attached to a good person yeah and it's been a journey yeah that's uh that's a lot. I mean, certainly I've been dickmatized without getting a dick. So I could probably go, no. Just the thought of that dick gets me going.

Although, really quickly, back to your mom not going to Barbados because she couldn't wear the bikini. Did she not know that she's Beyonce in Barbados? Because let me tell you, she's Beyonce in Barbados? Because let me tell you, we're Beyonce in Barbados. I still have never been. That's crazy. I promise you. You're fucking Beyonce in Barbados.

I went with my friend. We did some shit in Barbados. It was really fun. We had like a house and like i hired a chef and then i had like for the first night there was the bartender and the bartender um when i tell you that i like also like if it's it's one one standee, so you could certainly be mean to him. So, like, then he was like, I was like, no, just, you know. I don't know.

I'm not fucking you. Certainly, I'm not sucking that. But, you know. But you can have a buffet down there. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly, yeah, Barbados. And then he was like, can I spend the night? And I was like, no like no honey this is my vacation no and like the gate like we couldn't work the gate like my best friend had like gone to bed

and like but they taught her how to use the gate to get in and out but i didn't know and so like the gate wouldn't open and he was like like, ah, just let me stay. And I was like, you should climb over. Literally. He's literally climbing over the fucking gate. And my best friend texts me and she's like him leaving. And I'm like,

oh girl, he climbing over the gate. Then she came out to like open it. But I was like, yeah, you should go because the way, like it sort of clicks in where you're like oh shit i'm a normal girl here i'm like and like i'm never a normal girl i'm never i always stick out like a fucking sore thumb but like not that everybody in in barbados is you know like looks exactly like me

that's not true but like whatever it is that i look like is not a turnoff. Whatever I look like is not a deal. What is it? A deal breaker. Yeah, it's not. We need to leave out. I once talked to a matchmaker, a Black woman, who I was like, hey, girl, you got any advice for me? And she was like, stop trying to date Black men and stop trying to date Americans. And then walked away. And I was like, stop trying to date black men and stop trying to date Americans. And then walked away.

And I was like, that really hurt because I've always thought of having, I've always wanted dark chocolate babies that look like me, that look like my dad and my brother. And I'm like, you know, and that's probably not going to happen.

It's probably not. But I also tell my boyfriend that, look, if we have children, tell your DNA to stay over there when we're making the pigment like right before he comes he's just like pigment stay with me

exactly you keep that part you keep that part cause there also is this stigma that like black women want to date white men so that their babies could be light skinned it's like uh no no no no no gross i'm like what a gross thing to do to like choose your partner based on the what yes it's weird i don't want children so i'm never choosing a partner based on any sort of skin color but i

will say white men are the ones who approach me like I don't get approached by Black men even though I would love to date a Black man. Same. It hurts my heart that we're somehow deal-breakers for them, even though we look like their mamas. Yes. We look like the women that raised them. Like, and it's like, you're not doing it. Like, you're telling on yourself for that.

Like, I, you look at me and you see Earth and you think, nope. You know, like, you're like, nah. Not a, you see earth and you think nope you're like you're like not not a you see everything but a status symbol yep and that's uh america show lose well gabby we've come to the end oh no that was so fun honestly this has been truly lovely i adore you i think you're so funny and so wonderful. Do you have anything you want to promote? I know.

Very hard question. Nobody's shooting anything. It's a fucking nightmare. I did write a book. I wrote a book. It's called This Is Just My Face, Try Not To Stare. People seem to like it. Also, I'm reading your book, and I'm at a vacation house right now,

and I'm very fat and very brave in a bikini. Hell yeah! I was going to ask you. I was like, is that a very thing, Sudu? Is that a sports bra? What's happening? Tell me about it. I love it.

I literally got the pool that's outside this door. I'm going i'm gonna jump in it wait do you get your braids wet oh shit god damn it well some people do no i swim so like i work out five times a week and one day is dedicated to like water aerobics and i have a big ass i have a super big um swimming cap yeah swim cap that's gigantic and i forgot it so i'm probably not gonna dip in yeah i'm gonna just put it up it's whatever but no i try not to get it wet because it's on instagram i'll see women in wigs in pools and i'm like that was a lot of money is it staying on your head wet are you blow-drying are you washing what is I'm I get confused yeah that makes me nervous that whatever

that process is I'm scared of it no there's witchcraft in that well if you'll oh wait no I forgot I usually ask people this question I can't believe i almost forgot okay would you date me i would yes if i were into women i would i think you're so fun i think that you're gorgeous i think you have a great sense of style you have great comic timing i think that you have interesting stories and i think that you're really smart yeah i would date you gabby thank you so much i would not slap you in the face with my dick though so. So don't ever offer that. Don't offer that. Be meaner to these men.

Honestly, I think that's really good advice. Yeah, I'm going to take this. I'm not going to be nice to men. I'm not going to be like horrifically mean, but I'm not going to tip my hat to them, if you will. I I'm just gonna be a little bit more aloof and distant yeah like literally my boyfriend did not get my phone number until after our second date and even then I told him it was a burner

number he still thought he had to earn the real number oh my god this is this is great this is Gabby this is great advice and it's funny cause I'm like i don't want to play games but i'm like these fucking dudes everybody wants to play games games are for

they're not just for children they're for adults and that's how you get to fuck and that's how you get to fucking keep the fucking happening oh boy it's such a dumb thing don't cook for them don't like don't like really the list of things like if whatever your instincts tells you to do do the opposite don't do it yeah don't do it for a while but eventually they'll earn it but like they can earn it okay instead of just earning it by way of having a dick fuck that you know how many people out here got dicks so many so many of them most of them have dicks. Okay. Well, that's it for this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? If you like it, you can subscribe on iTunes. You can leave me a five-star review.

If you write me something nasty via my DMs or, I don't know, just get it to me. I'll read it on the podcast. So this person said, let me lick between your baby toes like baby carrots. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Notes for when you read it on the podcast. Oh, oh, I guess I'm supposed to read the yum yum. I think. I don't know. Anyway, thank you very much. All right, that's it. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.