Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Comedy Dominatrix (w/ Nori Reed)

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Comedian and writer Nori Reed (Raven's Home) chats with Nicole about getting her breast augmentation, how she soft-launched her transition process, and what it's like being a comedy dominatrix. Plus, Nicole continues to beef with Magic Mike Live. Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where Mina Kulbaya tries to figure out how on earth I am still single. Even though you could smack my butt, call me a little anchor, I'll say, thank you. I liked it. That's for me. I think I've probably

used that one already. Let me come up with a different one. Okay. Even though you could fill a chicken pot pie up with cum, I'll still eat it. Oh, no. My guest today... My guest today is a hilarious comedian and writer who's written for, oh my god, Raven's Home. And is credited

for writing Disney Channel's first ever live action trans character. You can see her on Alan Cummings' new stand-up special, A Queer Comedy Extravaganza, now streaming on Showtime. And you can see her all around L.A. I have, and I think my guest is very, very funny, so I'm very excited to introduce Nori Reid! Bow, bow, bow, bow. Hello, Nori. Hello.

Hello. I'm so happy to be here. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Thank you for doing this. I am fully out of sorts. I woke up just like, okay, so I went to Disney earlier this week because I'm now a Disney adult. Just kidding. I went never.

That's sick. But I went for my birthday and I walked 13,000 steps and my fat little body's not used to that. It's not used to it. It broke down. It said, I'm sorry, Nicole, no more. We cannot do it. it broke down it said i'm sorry nicole no more we cannot do it um so i just like i've been tired every morning since i've been to disney because my body is not used to moving that much that's i mean that's the most relatable thing i've ever heard in my life story story of my life i just moved

into a new apartment and all the physical parts of moving and like my fat fat body was like you're crazy you're crazy for this wait did you move by yourself oh well i mean i had a i had movers for the for the day but all the other things like the putting together furniture and like the, you know, moving stuff after and like picking up. I do Facebook Marketplace. Ooh. I know. No, people find fantastic things on Facebook Marketplace. You will meet the worst people you will ever meet in your life through Facebook Marketplace.

Like the most insane unhinged people but the deals are good that's very funny it's like you deal with the crazy little wild people but the deals oh the deals what's the weirdest interaction you've had with a person from facebook market easy um i i sold my couch in my previous apartment. And this guy was like, oh, I'll come pick it up tomorrow. And I was like, perfect. Amazing. So he comes to pick it up.

He's about a cool 16, 17. And he comes in and he's like, hey, this is the couch. This is the couch. He like walks over to the couch. He starts to like knock on it, kind of like listen to it. He starts to thump it a little bit and he's like oh sorry sorry about it i'm a i'm a couch flipper so uh if you could just give me a few moments i'm gonna see if this is a couch i want to flip and he i i can only he molested that

couch like he was the hand he was groping it it was was great. He would, the only, he stopped halfway through to call his mom who he flips couches with. And then they spoke. He was very quiet and whispering, came back, tried to play hardball or something. At this point, it had been 15 to 20 minutes. I was, I was livid in my own home. And at that point he goes, how low can you go? And I said, you have to get out of my house. I said, you literally have to leave right now.

And then he left. You didn't sell him the couch? No, because I think it was a game. It was some sort. It might have been a kink. It was so strange the way he was touching that couch. I didn't like it. What a funny kink to don't it was so strange the way he was touching that couch i don't i didn't like it what a funny kink to have i love it what do you do to get off oh i just you know

touch couches in front of people i pretend i'm gonna get a couch and then i grope it in front of the person who thinks that their leave their couch is getting sold it was wild that's very funny i love it when i moved so i bought a house in a couple like a while ago years and years and years ago and i moved from an apartment to this house and i put all my stuff in trash bags because i was like why would i put it in a box like it's all gonna just get unpacked and it's not going that far. And the movers were really judgmental about my bag situation. It was very rude. I was like, how dare you judge me on how I move?

And at one point they were like, how are you? How did you? They just had like lots of questions for me. And I was like, I'm not here for this. This is rude. Leave me alone. This is a service. This is a service.

Yes. Absolutely. You can't just, you know, judge somebody. I agree. Movers are not supposed to be judgmental. That's what I think. I think it's like you just do the job, you know? You don't have to ask questions.

When I worked at Lane Bryant, I never said do the job you know you don't have to ask questions when I worked at Lane Bryant I never said why are you buying these ugly pants I rang them up and I put them in a bag did did you ever say that once though just once no no but this woman did try to return um not try she successfully returned pantyhose with period stains in them oh i said i'm sorry i cannot take this back and she said let me see your manager and i said all right this is truly above my pay i get seven dollars and fifty cents i know this is whatever and then miss norma took those pantyhose back and then she said okay, Nicole, bag them and tag them. Because you had to tag damaged stuff.

And I was like, you want me to touch this woman's disgusting pantyhose? I said this while the woman was standing there. And she was like. So I made a very big production of putting a bag on my hand. Like I was picking up dog shit. Picked up the pantyhose and like really presented to her that I was not touching them. And then when I bag or tag them, she was still there. I was like, do I write that they're staying with this woman's period?

I was like, okay, you can have what you want, but I will embarrass you. That is the only time I've embarrassed somebody when I was supposed to be doing a job. Absolutely. I think that's fair. That sounds very fair. Nori, thank you so much. Wait, what kind of jobs have you had before you got into comedy oh my god i've worked in every okay my first job i was a dishwasher at a barbecue restaurant okay christian

county kentucky and the restaurant was called the woodshed and no they literally christian county they called me ching chong okay they wrote it on my checks and i Ching Chong. They wrote it on my checks and I was 15. Wait, they wrote it on your checks? Yes. But how do you Oh, sorry. How do you catch this check? I'm so sorry. There were no checks on the envelope

where I would get the cash. They would write on the, it was those little tiny pocket little manila Do you know those manila folders as if they were shrunk down and then people put money? Drugs and money. They would write Ching Chong on it. That is the meanest thing I have ever heard. Christian County, you better do better.

Yeah, I mean, it is what it is. But the best story I ever heard was the owner, George W. Bush, during his second election, came through Christian County. And the woodshed was an institution, so he went there to eat. And the owner was so excited. He was like, you know, obviously, like, this is amazing because they're all republican and stuff he gave george w bush a barbecue sandwich and then george w bush went no no no i'm not eating that i'll have a diet coke and that that year uh the owner voted for the Democratic presidential candidate. That's pretty fucking funny. Because he was so angry. He wanted a Diet Coke at my barbecue place?

Yes. All those Democratic people are petty. People are petty. And listen, if that's what it takes to get the vote changed, that's great. But it was an experience. I did it for the pack son you know what i mean i was i was addicted to pack son what oh pack like the store yeah i like i

wanted to be like a skater like a skater boy i see i see i didn't skate or anything but i just wanted to look like it i feel like a lot of people really wanted to look like skaters who had no intentions of skating. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I wore Jankos, and I don't think Jankos were for people who didn't. Those are for skaters too, right?

Yeah. No, for sure. The devastating thing was I wanted those big dumb bell bottoms, but they didn't make it in my fat ass size, so I had to wear the men's Jankos. Hell yeah. Which were very tight, very hard to walk in,

but you know, she did it. I wore, I wore like a pink, like I had a Volcom shirt that was pink. And you know, I was very closeted at the time. And because it was like a skater shirt,

I could wear the pink. And so it made me like, like I could like, you know, if like boys were like, you know, I was very closeted at the time. And because it was like a skater shirt, I could wear the pink. And so it made me like, like I could, you know, if like boys were like, you're, you're gay. I could be like, it's Volcom. So you're gay. So you're gay, actually. Honestly, what a fantastic way to combat somebody trying to make fun of your sexual orientation. It's like, yeah, well, it's a cool shirt. So like, I guess you're the gay one because you don't understand shit. Yeah. trying to make fun of your sexual orientation it's like yeah well it's a cool shirt so like

i guess you're the gay one because you don't understand shit yeah so you're the you're the you're yeah i wonder when that's gonna go away when people stop using gay as like oh you're gay you know like why i want it to be like uh-oh are you gay you don't gotta tell me you know what i mean well hillary duff did those famously did those commercials and i thought she fixed it she fixed homophobia she she cured it god those big old teeth said hey hey it stops here yes i love her big teeth they make me so happy sometimes i think about getting big old teeth, but the way you get them is they shave down your teeth into little baby shark teeth. And that for me is absolutely terrifying. Yeah.

There's that. then also when you get the new teeth they can come out a little chicklitty and a very yeah even the good ones can be kind of like that yeah i mean i i guess i've seen like good teeth like i haven't it's not i'm gonna be like they're all terrible i've seen good ones but like boy oh boy some of them are real tough to look at. Yeah. Would you ever do that? No. Okay, okay. I like, I actually really like real, I like teeth that aren't, that are imperfect.

I think that it's, it makes me happy when someone has, like, crooked teeth, like, crooked teeth or a gap or, like, I think it's kind of cool. Like, it's very French that way. I don't know. I also really like crooked teeth like crooked teeth or a gap or like i think it's kind of cool like it's very french that way i don't know i also really like crooked teeth i i mean my teeth are pretty straight i do have a little bit of an overbite i never slept with my retainer but like sometimes i wish i had a gap or something that was interesting like Like Madonna's gap is iconic. Like you wouldn't want her to close that gap. I think we need to embrace our differences. Like I wish. Amen.

But also it's like if you want perfect straight teeth, go fucking get them. I don't care. I can see on this Zoom, I can see that you have incredible teeth. Thank you. They're like very, very nice. Thank you. It is a facade because i have to have another root

canal so here's a little history about me and my fucking teeth nori so i went to the dentist on the regular and then mumsy my mummy died and then i said i don't know how to take care of myself so then i didn't go to the dentist she died in 2008 and then the first time i went to the dentist was this year from 2008 to this year and everything was wrong so what happened was okay i was with my friend echo my friend gracie we were eating dinner we were all having a good time and laughing i cracked my tooth i didn't tell them i just put it in my bra i still have it in a ziploc bag it lives in my purse it's a weird choice I've made But I can't take it out now It's been too long

Went to the dentist They were like Oh no girl You gotta have your wisdom teeth pulled A crown put on And a root canal Oh And they did that all on the same day

And they didn't put me on there No No And I drove home And I felt like a lunatic I felt fully unhinged You did not drive home Well they only gave me local anesthesiahinged you did not drive home well they only

gave me local anesthesia so technically legally i could drive home but trauma happened to me and i was not having a good time and now i have to take a xanax every time i go to the dentist because i have ptsd yes when i nicole when i got my wisdom teeth taken out they also did local and they gave me the laughing gas which was a little extra, but I wanted it. And I put in some music. And I remember it was Beyonce, Crazy to Love. Sorry, Crazy in Love. And then I'm hearing, I'm a little out of it.

I'm kind of like on cloud nine. I'm just somewhere up there. And then all of a sudden, I feel the wisdom tooth come out and i feel it go down my throat and then i hear the dentist go oh my god oh my god it's down her throat and the other one goes well what the fuck like fuck fuck fuck fuck and they're staying fuck like 20 times i can i'm hearing them say fuck over and over again and they get the suction thingy. And they go down my throat. And I think it's hilarious. So I'm laughing.

I'm going. Like while they're doing it. And then whenever I quote unquote woke up. I mean I was already up. But they didn't know how much I knew. Oh my God. They just went hey. They're like it's all done.

Everything went amazing. And I didn't bring it went amazing and i didn't bring it up but they didn't bring it up and so they don't they didn't know that i knew but i knew and and crazy in love was playing the whole time that's what that's what i love how wild how perfectly truly wild um i oh this gives me even more anxiety. Because I'm like, when you get, so I've only been like put under, so I had ankle surgery. And they put me under. And I'm like, what happened while I was, like, what happened? That is scary. That is because you know that surgeons are freaks. Yeah.

Because that's how they can do, like, the only way they can do the job that they do is that if they're freaks. That's what it feels like I hope nothing terrible happened and we're I don't know I'm sexy you're sexy I don't know I'm just irresistible even I don't know I know I'm very irresistible

I hope they resisted me and didn't do anything I can't believe a tooth went down your throat and they didn't tell you when you woke up no they thought they thought i didn't know that it happened and yeah i you know i had a surgeon so you know i'm trans or whatever and whatever you know whatever let's talk whatever what does it even mean and in today's world what does that even mean we're all gonna die it's like it's 140 degrees it's like nori it doesn't matter to walk

my dog no my dog did a u-turn and went tried to go back inside and i said we have to you have to take a shit like you have to and then then I had to drag him down the street. We found some shade. And then he was like, okay, fine. And he like shot real quick and then pulled me back to the house and was like, I can't be out here, bitch. No. But here, go on with your story. I'm so sorry.

I cut you right off. No, that's my point is that being trans doesn't mean anything anymore because it's so fucking hot. It doesn't mean anything anymore because it's so fucking hot. It doesn't mean anything. But all I'm saying is that my surgeon who did my breast augmentation, he was a little bit of a pervert. I mean, like, not in a way that made me ever. I never felt uncomfortable and I never felt, like, unsafe. It's just that I could tell that, like, a big part of what he does, like, he likes boobs.

Like, he likes boobs. I mean, and I think that's a perfect, within reason, a perfect field to go in if you like looking at titties. Yeah. If you like looking at titties all day and you really like perfecting them, just don't be, like, super creepy. But you could just be, like, openly, like, I really love curating and creating breasts for people perfecting them just don't be like super creepy but you could just be like openly like i really

love curating and creating breasts for people so that they can go into the world and feel comfy cozy i feel like on career day he took the test and i said what do you like and he said i like boobs titties titties to be exact and then the test said okay i got a job for you. And it's to make people get good titties. Did it hurt? I want. No. So I don't want them bigger. I just want them lifted and a little rounder.

Also, maybe a little smaller. What I'm looking for is very small, perky, round boobies. Like right now I'm like a 42 uh c or a 44 b and i want to be an a an a yeah i want like i just want like little itty bitty perky titties that i don't have to wear a bra with you know i call them i call those tea time titties I want tea time titties That's what I want I told the surgeon that I said You know what I want? I want tea time titties And he went I know exactly what you mean

How big did you go? I went D Because I'm a big husky lady We're the same size I think you're smaller than me I have shoulders He wanted double D Surprise

He wanted giant titt. Surprise, surprise. Surprise. He wanted giant titties on me. And I was like, no. I was like, we're going to go Ds because I want T-time titties. And he was like, I get it. And I was like, I want them perky. But I want them dropped because I want them to look like God gave me these tea time titties. Some big natties.

I didn't want the surge looked. I just wanted them to already have a droop. Okay. But now that I'm, listen, listen, a few years later, I kind of maybe wish I didn't get the pre-droop. You know, yeah, because they do. Gravity does take hold of titties. Yes.

I should have let God do what God was going to do and drop my titties because now they're double dropped. Because mine are, they've dropped, but they're like still pretty small. Like when I lay on my back, I don't have titties. They go right into my body. They go bye bye. But when I stand up, I'm like, oh no, they're a little droopy. I don't know. Now I'm like just touching my titties my goodness it's not a bad surgery it's not a bad surgery it's very easy i was traveling a week after a week after yes the recovery is just a week

um well i actually i said that were you just flying around fucking not listening to your doctors? I just, right after I said that, I realized the reason why I traveled is because my dad was dying. Oh, God. But I forgot that part until after. I mean. So that's why I was traveling. How convenient. I'm making fun.

I'm like, oh, God, you're just flying around town. What a dream for you to go. Actually, I was traveling because my dad was dying. Yeah. Awkward, awkward. But the lady, the flight attendant, helped me put my bag up. Oh, that's very nice.

Yeah, I said, ooh, I'm sorry, my little titties. My little titties, I can't do it. My T10 titties. And she was like, oh, it's all good. If you really said that, my hope is right now she's recanting that story to someone. She's like, this beautiful woman came on the plane and she said, I used to sign my T10 titties. I'm so tired. I'm recovering.

They make you wear a front bra so that it all, it claps in the front. Oh. And now that's all I want to wear because it that was incredible yeah i mean i have two bras that clasp in the front but there isn't enough fabric around the clasp but the clasp gets all out of like whack or whatever were you wearing one that was like it has like a big thing in the middle right like it has like in the middle and then in the middle and it's hooks yeah yeah hooks hooks and eyes in the middle and there's like five of them and then that's all you just you just do it and then i was like i want to wear this every

day of my goddamn life well maybe you could find some i just i don't wear bras anymore you don't with with d's i guess maybe that's why the droop is uh is drooping oh maybe i don't like bras i i don't like the feeling i i hate wearing bras there i love wearing bras just because i get under titty sweat so much oh i do too and i can't deal with that it gets too hot and moist and it's very upsetting for me yeah i also have that i do maybe i should get back to the bra game i mean you don't have to i'm it's not a judgment i think to each their own can i ask when you realized you were trans is that just a boring question that you don't wish to answer because you could say that because that's okay i guess it really isn't interesting um it's i will say this is a complicated answer because because i think there's different levels of knowing and because like i grew up in a super christian super conservative town literally called christian county yes so it's like hello like in kentucky

and also bell hooks is from there which is really funny oh just me and bell hooks that's it no one like everyone else racist yeah um sorry if you live if you live in christian county i'm so sorry but you are you are racist it'd be very funny if someone listening was like, oh, she got me. I am. Oh, damn. I love this podcast, but I am very racist. Yeah. But I feel like growing up in that environment, you have to, like the parts of you that aren't safe to be in the world, you have to put that somewhere.

And you kind of bury that somewhere deep and so even though you can kind of feel it and it's like always there you're not necessarily interacting with it you're not connecting with that part of you and that's traumatic i mean i have a lot of chronic ptsd from all the years of not being able to be who i am and having to be someone else. And so I did a soft launch, which was I came out as gay, as a gay man. That was a soft launch. You know, the product wasn't ready yet. We had to do like a... Some more focus testing and asking the people, what do we think about this?

I get it. But we worked so hard that we were like, we've got to release something. We've got to release something, but it's not ready yet. Let's release the prototype, and then we'll have the final product ready in a couple months or maybe years. And the prototype was a twink. So there was a twink prototype, and that twink was slutty and amazing and bitchy and funny and slutty. I said slutty. Very slutty. Lots of slut. Double very slutty so i'm a double slut okay double

slut love that and i lived in new york so i was in new york and i was a gay man fire island chelsea all of that and then i worked at calen lord which is an lgbt health center in well it's all over new york now but um i was an h counselor. And so I worked a lot with trans women and a lot of my clients were trans women and, you know, a lot of my coworkers were trans. And that was my first kind of intimate relationship with trans people. And there was such an adoration and respect for all the trans people that I was interacting with that at a certain point I had to start to question like, what is this? Because it's not sexual and it's not,

I have no, but, but there's just this deep, like deep, deep knowing and respect. And so I talked to a therapist and I mean, from there it kind of came, it started to come out that from,

you know, just to myself that I'm not comfortable with my gender, that I'm not, you know, that I'm not a man and I don't know what I am, but I'm not a man. That's, that's, that was the first, I was like, I don't know what it is, but I'm not that like, whatever that is, that's not me. And I've never felt comfortable being like that. comfortable being like that and um so then so the non-binary was the middle part and and then very quickly from there it was like no i'm i'm i'm a binary like trans woman um and now and now today in my current life i'm somewhere between trans women and non-binary because the, you know, I don't wear bras. That's one thing. Um,

I just, I don't know. I, it's, I quickly in my transition, I'm so lazy. And I was like all the things that they were asking of me. I was like,

I, I'm not going to do that. Like, like what? If you don't mind. Oh, absolutely. I went to, there's a speech pathologist I was going to, to try to have a woman's voice.

Oh, okay. And her name was, I swear to God, Dr. Linda Fake. That's pretty silly. I love Linda Fake. I'm saying everyone's names. I'm like, I should probably not be saying their names. But she wanted me to have like a madman secretary voice. Oh. So she was like a mad men secretary voice oh so she she was like like a 1950s secretary oh so it's a lot of transition stuff to help you pass yeah

but i mean how do i phrase it i feel like passing is such like a arbitrary weird thing that it's like what does it even mean to pass like i remember being in the bathroom in vegas and this very older male presenting i think he was a man walked in and he did his business he came out there was women staring at him and like whispering and then he looked up and he went oh my god oh i'm so and he was so apologetic and i just looked at him and i said gender's a construct you're fine don't ever think about it again you're fine and he went oh thank you and then he left and I was like what are we all doing to each other yeah who cares what bathrooms we use who cares how people want to present themselves who cares if someone with a beard wants to wear a dress like

I think it's like once you see it enough you just you're like oh whatever and i wish we could get there i wish you could just be trans and speak how you want or yeah a lot of it is about safety and like you know i feel like the updated word for passing is blending where people were trans people just and i obviously this is not a monolith i'm not speaking for all trans people this is i'm speaking for uh for 99.9% of trans people. I'm just kidding. I'm just speaking for myself. I was like, okay, all right.

So that's most of them. All right. But from my experience and what I've learned is people want to blend in for safety. Like when I'm out in the world and I'm moving from point A to point B, I would like to get from point A to point B without being harassed or threatened or, you know, God forbid, like physical violence like against me. And so a big part of my transition was wanting that experience. And for the most part now, I don't really get looked at in public no one's well actually i got really fat and that was the best thing i could ever do for my transition because now i just like when you're a fat person nobody's looking at no like like i got fat and all of a sudden it was like oh no one's gonna anti-eat me funny the bigger you get the more invisible you get to a point

and then once you cross that point then people want to look at you as a spectacle it is truly insane because i was like a hundred pounds smaller when i was like 19 18 ish 20 um and i got a lot of attention because I wore a lot of tight things. And people are always like hitting on me and shit. Then steadily gained weight. I was like, oh, I don't matter. I love it. And when I say I love it, it's so good.

It's so real. I would say like at the beginning of my transition, I was young. And I had youth and whatever whatever and i remember like i just started wearing women's clothes like it was like the day it was like the week i started wearing women's clothes and i looked exactly the same as i did as a boy but just was wearing like shorts and like it wasn't even like gen that gendered It was just like the point being I just walked outside and immediately was cat called. And immediately men were like, hey, how are you? How are you doing?

Like whatever. And I was like, this is insane. I haven't done any like nothing is different except literally I guess I'm wearing shorts and like it was crazy. Yeah. When I was smaller, I could literally be wearing a trash bag and men would be like, hey. It's also like I lived in New York and it's like you go to the bodega or whatever and people like won't leave you alone. That I don't miss. Yeah.

But like sometimes I do. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. It's very complicated. I feel the exact same way. I don't miss feeling threatened, but I do miss attention because I no longer, I was at Tartine. Okay, let me, okay, I now have a platform to talk about this. Thank God. Yes.

This is a platform. Get it off your chest, queen. Have you ever been at Tartine and Silver Lake? No, what is Tartine? It's a very bougie cafe. Okay. Bougie and very industry and very just bougie. Okay.

So I'm like, oh, I was having a good day. I was like, let me treat myself because I'm just having a really good day. I was in the area. I go to the fucking cafe. In front of me are two girls who must have been 16, 17, again, that age. And then they're wearing very, you know, like in trend, very like cool girl clothes, but it was kind of like a tube top. And like, they were just like very hot, like, you know, just, like, desirable young women to men. And the fucking, the cafe guy, the whatever, the manager, was, like, full on flirting with them.

Just, like, he had goo-goo eyes. He was, like, giving them samples, and they were laughing, and they were, like, having this great time, right? You're smiling because you already know where this is going. They move along. I go, and I'm like hey like just just really like let me get the same energy right i swear to god he looks at me like i had killed his favorite pet and i was like hey what do you want and i was just like i was like oh my like it

wasn't even like it was just so clear and so i was like okay i guess we're doing this i was like i'll have a ham and cheese croissant and a you know a latte please and he's like okay whatever he's like not being any eye contact whatever whatever i get my i get my latte no croissant i'm waiting i'm waiting i wait i wait i go back to the guy and i go hey um i just never got my ham and cheese croissant he goes you didn't order that and i went oh no i iissant. He goes, you didn't order that. And I went, oh, no, I did. And he goes, no, you didn't. Like, again, that kind of just mean, angry. Oh, my God.

And then I just stared at him. At that point, I stepped into my power because I was just, I was like, I'm done being a victim here. I'm just like, you know, I'm Nori Reid. Fuck this guy. So I just, like, stare at him. I just start staring. Fuck this guy. So I just like stare at him. I just start staring at him. And he goes, and he looks at the computer.

And he looked up the transaction and goes, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you did. You did. You did get a croissant. Oh. And then he starts laughing. He goes, you know, first day as a joke because he's clearly, it's not his first day. And I just kept staring at him and I didn't say anything for the rest of the interaction

until I just left my god how rude Tartine make it right make it right Tartine yeah make it right Tartine give my girl a free croissant with ham and cheese yes when things like that happen and my order gets messed up while

someone was flirting with somebody else i'll be like what do you mean i didn't order that i'm a very fat woman and i'm hungry and then i've said the the f word and they're like oh no you're not i'm like i am give me my food i will make a scene i love making scenes and by the f word you mean you say faggot and then then they give you they give you all the food you want i do that too my god i just real quick we have to take a break we're back i cannot believe how differently fat people are treated it's insane the anger the hate people are so mad at fat people for no reason yeah and then they love to be like i'm just worried about your health and i'm like oh but like my health is like okay you know i take my

little pills for you know things or whatever i just it's like if you're worried about my health like that means you're in my business get out you know get out of my business they're not worried oh my god they're not worried about you being aesthetically pleasing and guess what my body is not for your consumption, says the woman who wrote a book where she's in a bikini on every page. I went to Magic Mike in Vegas. I won't stop talking about this. So she got pulled up to sit on a piano and serenaded Mateo Lane got the number of some guy

and I think they flirted and maybe something happened I don't want to tell his business I don't know who knows I had to steal a glass because nobody would give me any attention at that show and I this was like maybe four or five years ago and I am still fucking pressed about it pressed and then Magic Mike Live I talked about it on Kimmel and they reached out and they were because I guess

I said Kimmel I don't know if you know this Nori anyway it was very fun but you know whatever but they reached out via Instagram and then I reached back out and I've heard nothing. So Magic Mike Live has again dropped the ball with me. They have to make it right. They have to make it right.

Yes, I need very hot, muscly men to slide all over me. And you need a ham and cheese croissant. And I need ham and cheese croissants to slide all over me. Can I ask you a question? Are you dating? Are you on apps? Are you in a relation shop? What does up?

So I know. Oh, God. Here's where I'm at. And this is probably the most vulnerable part of my life because I feel like I'm in such control of all the parts of my life. And then dating is just a shit show. Because, you know, I'm at the cross section of, like, you know, every marginalized identity ever. But here's my thing. You know, pre-pandemic, I was dating. And I moved to LA.

I was dating. I was fucking. I was, you know, doing all the things. I even met someone through a housing ad to, like, try to get a room. And then the room didn't work out, but then we just fucked for a while. I love that. Isn't that beautiful? I love it.

That is honestly stunning. Gorgeous. What a dream. And then the pandemic happened, and I just, you know, I have pre-existing, I just felt utterly terrified of connecting with someone physically. Like it was mental for me in terms of like I could, I was, I still haven't had COVID. You still haven't had it? No. And I was getting tested, I mean, throughout the pandemic, continuously, routinely for work. I mean, bravo.

I finally got it in May of this year. I'll tell you something. Not fun. Oh, my God. Was it bad? I did not have a nice time. So it wasn't as terrible as I thought it was going to be. But there was one day where I couldn't get warm.

I was just walking around my home in a blanket in a sweater in a sweatshirt layers upon layers no fever no war i was just cold and then i have like i had a smoker's cough that was like starting to go away because i quit january 5th but then i have a nice little cough from covid so it's i, I, you know, I honestly, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it was not fun. I, I'm with,

I would, I'm now I'm back to like dodging it. Like I don't go inside without a mask on. Cause I don't fucking want it again. Terrified of it. I mean, I, I,

I have terrible lungs. Like, you know, I, whatever. The point is, is that dating has definitely taken a toll from, like, the pandemic. I'm now finally in a place where I feel open and ready to start dating again. So that is where I'm at.

I love this. My therapist is, like, we have been been like, talk about soft launch. It's like, this is the launch. It's happening. I haven't yet pulled the trigger on the dating apps and all that stuff because I hate the apps. Deeply in my heart, hate online dating. I mean, they're bad. They're not good.

Not good. Because people are, I hate people. I hate people. I think a normal conversation is boring. I don't want to talk about your, you have a sister. I don't, why the fuck do I care that you have a sister? I don't know your sister. Drew Michael has a joke where he's like, I don't want to date. I don't know your sister. Drew Michael has a joke where he's like, I don't want to date.

I don't know you. I don't love you. Why do I have to go to dinner with you? I don't love you. I love my mom. I want to hang out with my mom. And it's such a funny joke. And every time I hear it, I'm like, yeah, what are we all doing?

Just hanging out with people we don't know and love. I'm at a point where my friends now are just like, we can't be your dates anymore. Because I feel like when you're not dating, your friends kind of become like a pseudo, I haven't really articulated this ever. I'm taking Sashir to the Emmys. Yes.

Your friends become everything, your family. And I feel like I'm at a point now where my friends are dating their their their lives are moving along and it's like i gotta start you know but i also my who i'm attracted to has changed as well like let's get into it yeah looking for yeah so before i was very much only into men and through transitioning definitely have i would consider myself bisexual pansexual whatever that means so gender just started to matter less and less the older i got the more mature i became the more i realized kind of like you were saying earlier just how silly gender constructs are. And just, yeah, something changed for me psychologically where I was like, I truly could not care what the meat looks like in your pants meat. Your pant meat, whether it be beefy curtains or a solid sausage or whatever.

I don't know. All delicious yeah i feel the same way um although i don't put a label on it i don't like the word pansexual it's not appealing to me oh yes i don't like bisexual either because that's again not appealing to me straight embarrassing could never i would never refer myself as that it's weird just be like no straight and narrow i only like yeah strictly decorate it's insane it's like people like that blow my mind every day because i'm like you've never opened a magazine or like watched a tv show and been like wow that person who's the same gender as me can really get it we all think that. And I hear people like, my girl crush.

And it's like, no, it's just a woman you find attractive. It really bothers me. Because I do not think anyone is straight. I think we are all pansexual. What an awful word. I think we're all like, if we just stopped thinking about societal norms, we could just love who we want. know i i agree with that i where i'm at right now is i have all this experience with men and i don't really respect men so it's easy to like date them because i don't really care about the impact that i have

on them but then what this is this is true and and then with women i'm like i actually love and respect and care about women so i'm a little terror i'm like almost like scared and terrified of starting to date women because they it actually it means something so you know you saying that whether it's a joke or not means that this is a real treat and you should start dating women. I know. I think it's going to be good. Yeah. Yeah, I really do.

I don't know. I have a couple of friends who have explored their sexuality in the last couple of years. And they've just been happier than I've ever seen them. And I'm like, yeah, let's all just live our lives and be happy. And if you have a little thought in the back of your brain, fucking listen to it, explore it. Unless that little thought's like, let's murder. Because I've been watching this new show called The Patient.

Have you seen it? It's on FX, also Hulu. So it's got Steve Carell and Damal Gleeson,al gleason or dom hall gleason i don't know he's irish and i love him he is if he's single and you know him let him know that this big black lady is trying to bark up that red hair tree anyway so oh wait i don't want to like give it away but i think it gives it away in the trailer i don't know ste Steve Carell is like a therapist who's trying to help him and then Damal oh he's got secrets and then

Steve Carell's like I don't know if I can help you and then you know okay I'm on episode two and I think it's really good also Mike on Hulu is a really good show I don't know why I brought these two shows up what were we talking about before oh dating dating new genders, your sexuality changing.

And then I brought up a Hulu show. Steve Carell, Steve Carell. That was the, I don't know. What was I trying to say? I don't think I took my ADHD medicine today. Maybe I'm trying to say that Domhnall Gleeson is going to make me happy. I don't know. Nori, now I feel insane.

We should take another break. And we're back. I still don't know what's going on in my little brain. Okay, Nori, when did you start doing stand-up? I've spoken nothing about your fucking career or stand-up or anything. So tell me about it. Well, it was in Oakland, California. And I was like a trans lady and I was feeling like really disempowered in the

interactions I was having in my life. And I was sick of all the stairs and kind of just like not really enjoying that. And then I kind of, I took a standup class and then I was good at it and people were laughing. And then I started to realize that when you're on stage you have the mic and you're talking and people are just have to listen and they have to like to listen to you and so it became a really empowering kind of thing for me where I got to like make fun of the cis people who were like being really dumb and you know like I got to like roast and kind of like dumb you know kind of the people who are considered normal and I'm you know I'm considered you know weird and yeah that that became the process and was, I've been doing stand-up, I guess, for five years, five or six years.

I saw you at a show in a parking lot, you know, because that's how we're doing them right now. Yes. Or how we were doing them. And you were wearing this lovely, like, fluffy white peasant top and these really cool, like, loose straight leg jeans that were like a lighter wash. And I said, I love this. And you're on stage and someone said something like it was kind of like a like not a harsh heckle but it was a heckle and you were like i'm up here i have the mic i'm sorry did you want to speak you can't because i'm up and

i just loved it and you like really leaned into it and i like i was like cackling in the back um yeah it's a joy to watch you on stage. You're so funny. Thank you. I've gotten to the point now where people are like writing about my comedy, which has been fascinating because I've never been able to put a finger on what I, because since I'm the person performing, I don't really know what I'm doing. But then someone wrote that I'm a dom.

And I was like, oh, I was like, oh, my God, I'm a comedy dominatrix. And I never really thought that. But that's so true. I love that. A comedy dom. Yeah. I'm like, shut the fuck up. It's kind of like a roasting.

Yeah, I don't know. I enjoy that kind of dynamic with the audience i like to kind of create tension and aggression a little bit um well because here's the thing can i say this yes something i try to fight against um whether it's consciously or unconsciously is pity because sometimes i'll get on stage and i'll share something that I think is so funny. And then some white cis lady goes, oh. And she thinks that she's like the humanitarian of the year. And then she's like helping me.

And what she doesn't know is that's the biggest heckle you could ever fucking do because it's funny. And it's a funny thing that happened. And if you would just be open and trusting that if I'm up there talking about it, I want you to laugh. And so I guess a part of me creating tension and almost fighting with the audience is a way to, like, get away from that, like, pity. audience is a way to like get away from that like pity it is interesting how an audience will pity you because society tells them yes you're like less than and you're sad and whatever like i've been on stage and i was trying to figure out some fat jokes and every time i said i was fat people go on and i was like wait what is happening i was like i didn't say i was ugly i didn't say like i hate it myself i'm just saying an attribute that you can actually see so it's funny whenever

like a fat woman has a stand-up clip or she's like people love to say I'm not you're not fat you're beautiful people go someone stole your joke I'm like no every single fat woman has that joke there's just a different ending to the joke because that's what we have to deal with so it's like write what you know um but there was one time i said something about being fat and there was like consistent awes in the audience and i finally was like what's wrong with you people you can see it right am i crazy i'm fat i'd be in therapy right now if i didn't think it was okay to talk about i wouldn't have left my fucking home after a nightfall like i just started screaming because i was like what is happening your eyes like i'm on a goddamn stage right now with lights and a microphone like yeah

and the punchline is me fisting my fat rolls like how are you awing at that what on the earth i've stepped away from doing stand-up for a little bit because it got to be so overwhelming because i was like i toured like every weekend of 2019 and i would like kind of go on autopilot sometimes but then sometimes i would get heckled in a way where i was like do you know what it took to get to this part of fucking florida oh yes i got on two planes to get here and you're gonna talk through the fucking show i would like lose my mind a little bit and this one man on twitter was like she's a bad sport like we were all just here for a good time i was like sure but like i prepared material and that's when i was like maybe maybe I got to rethink what I'm doing.

It is part of it. Something I've been doing – I relate to that so much. And recently what I've been doing is if an audience is like a polite audience where they're listening and they're not laughing, they're just like listening and they're sitting there staring at me like fucking idiots. What I do is I go, guys guys i literally can't bomb tonight i'm like what you don't understand is emotionally emotionally i can't do it and if you don't start laughing i might do something and i'm not saying what i'm gonna do but it's gonna be bad and i may not come back from what happens and then so i threaten them with my life and then yes and then they immediately guess what oh they're laughing their laugh they're teeheehing they

said her life depends on it we better start laughing all you have to do is threaten to hurt yourself and people will do anything it's crazy it's wild wild. Also, not real advice. No, no, no, no. People have been all confused on what are jokes and what is real. That's a joke. That was a joke. No, no, please don't do that. Don't do that.

No, it's fine. In the comments, they'll say fun things and I go, boy, oh boy, what a treat. Yeah, comedy is such like a wild thing. Can you tell me about working on Raven's Home it's a multicam right it's multicam classic sitcom yeah what is tape night like probably wild

people love Raven Simone well unfortunately because of the pandemic we don't have a live audience which is just so sad I mean it's that's honestly like I'm very sad about that. But we're on set. I mean, we're there.

We're laughing. We're definitely, you know, the writers, we're all kind of, we're pitching jokes whenever something doesn't work. It's been really cool. I mean, I never saw myself working on a multicam. And it's been interesting to, like like i've definitely walked away with a lot of respect for it and a lot of like it's hard and it's definitely an art form and it it's been really cool to learn about the ins and outs of a sitcom yeah i've only done one multicam it was a show that was on abc family when before that threefold. That's how old I am a dinosaur. And I like did we did this one scene where we got through it. The audience really liked it. They were ha ha ha. And then we went for a second take and I just changed my delivery. And the director was like, we're doing this a third time don't change it again and i was

like let why he's like because we're timing it for the like the edit or whatever and he's like and when you do something new the audience laughs longer they laugh shorter when they know what's gonna happen and i said oh so then we did a third time and I did a third different take because I was like, you're not going to stop my ha-has. I'm a bad multicam actress because I want my instant gratification. It's like there's so many rules and that people don't know about. Like Raven definitely like is such a mentor to a lot of the other actors who are on set and really helps them learn kind of what it is to be on a Disney sitcom. She truly is a comedic genius.

Just watching her work, she is a genius. Yeah, I think she's very funny. And sometimes I'm like, maybe I want to do a multicam because it's big, it's broad, and it is fun. We're hungry for it. Yeah, I just, I love,

it's funny as much as like I'll fight with an audience or get mad that they want to talk to me or whatever. It's like, I love audiences and I love performing. Okay, Nori, I have a question. Yes. Would you date me?

Yes. Okay. I love it. I love it. You said yes in a way that I felt really stupid for asking the question. Why? Well, I asked all my guests that question and you really seemed angry that i even asked you were like yes that's a funny yes i liked it i think i i don't i know you're not

you're not asking me to go deeper but if if I may. Sure. I just, I think there's something so beautiful when like two fat women date each other. Have you seen it? I have. Oh my God. It's so beautiful. I knew this couple in Oakland and they're both very fat and they're like, just their life looks like they just go out and they eat. And they like, they laugh. They make each other laugh so much.

And they're so in love. And they like share clothes. And I was like, wait. I was like, that's the answer. That is the answer. Your wardrobe doubles? Yes. And you have someone to just eat with?

Just to eat with oh yeah i'm really thinking that's over okay well nori we have come to the end i truly could talk to you all day long you're just a fucking delight i think you're so funny and so talented do you have like a website where you put your stand-up dates for the people to come see you if they live in L.A.? The best thing is my Instagram. I always post all my stories like when the next shows are. So follow me on Instagram for all the show info. Tell them what your Instagram is.

My Instagram is Nori Reed. It is my name. Very easy. Very breezy. Do you have anything you want to promote now streaming on showtime I'm in Alan Cumming presents

a queer comedy extravaganza which features incredibly funny queer comics and I'm one of them yes yes yes yes watch that on showtime and if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it or whatever.

I don't know, subscribe. Can you do that on Apple Podcasts? I don't know. Leave me a five-star review. That's nice. But if you want to hit on me saying something really fucking nasty, you can write it to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com. Mars, my producer, is the one who goes through it not me so do not send her dick pics

she does not want them okay this nice person said nicole i want to take you on a mini golf date instead of playing on the regular course we'll find a hidden place where you can sit on the ground i love sitting and i oh and i could put the balls right into your pussy whenever i get one in you shout oh god that's a hole in one when we when we finish we'll go to your place pop them balls out of your puss i have to keep them in me and sell them to perverts on the dark web we'll use the profits to buy our own mini golf course and renovate it so all the ball all the holes are replicas of your holes and we'll charge people an arm and a leg to put their balls into your puss. We'll both become multi-millionaires and live

happily ever after. What a treat. What a dream. Honestly, what a great business venture. That was amazing. If you have a proposal, send that to the email. Okay, bye-bye. to the email. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer.

Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff,

and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.