Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Coping With Anxiety (w/ Taylor Tomlinson)

Episode Date: May 13, 2022

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson chats with Nicole about using Instagram to document her panic attacks, coping with anxiety, and the time she was accused for being a catfish. Meanwhile, Nicole slept with a man who thought Black people were aliens. Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where Mina Colbire tries to figure out how she's still single. Even though you could give me a candle and say, it's not wax, it's hardened cum. I'll still light it and go, mmm, smells good. My guest today is a hilarious stand-up comedian her new special look at you is now

streaming on netflix it's her second fucking special right it's your second one which is so fucking exciting it's taylor tomlinson an intro was so fun for a second i was, is this an ad read for cum candles? Like, this is seamless, this product placement. Thank you. I say something wild up top, and I was just, like, looking at a candle. I was like, what if it was filled with cum? I haven't had a chance to watch your full special but i watched

your closer which was so fun because i was i don't know i always think it's fun to be like if i don't have time what's the closer and i just you're so effortless and like funny it's delightful thank you that's so funny because i feel like i'm putting in the most effort i feel like i'm trying so hard. And I look at someone like you and I go, no, that's effortless. That's just somebody being, because you're not just like a funny standup. You're just like a funny person that people just want to put in everything. Like you just like, people just want to hang out with you

regardless of the setting or situation. They're like, will you host this? Will you act in this? Will you do stand up over here? Like there's just like not enough of you to go around. And I'm like, I'm good at stand up. That's the one thing I can do. And so I look at you and I just think effortless.

Oh, Taylor, it's a lot of effort. I just did a show at the comedy store, which I don't think they're my crowd ever. I've never done a show there where I was like, they liked me. In the main room? This was the main room the other night. And it was Josh Adam Myers' show. And he's great. I fucking love him.

But the people I think were just, I was also wearing like purple overalls. I kind of look like a toddler. And I was just like, hello. They were like, what am I looking at? Was it comedy gym? That's where you sing? Yeah, that's the singing one.

No, so it wasn't the singing one. It was the one where you give something away from your life that you don't want anymore. So I gave away a Crocs jibbit and a tampon

because I wear a diva cuff so she doesn't need tampons in her life anymore. Such a fun show, but I truly was like, truly was like yeah alt rooms are where i thrive where they're just like the weirder the better i mean that sounds like a very alti show for the comedy store the premise of that show actually yeah giving away an item from i didn't know that that was a show that existed i only knew about the singing one it's fun which i always say no to because I cannot sing even a little bit.

I can't sing either. Oh my God. I feel like you could probably sing. I think that's the thing you say to everyone who's like, I can't sing. You're like, no, I feel it in your heart.

You can do it. You're good. I'm absolutely not good. I'm not good at all. And I'm so jealous of people who can. I wish I could sing more than anything in the world

are you on the road right now uh not at the moment I am in LA but I fly to Louisville tomorrow damn do you just mean in general or at this moment specifically oh I just meant in this moment oh in this moment specifically no if I was in a hotel there'd be art on the walls but I am at home so it looks like I'm in an asylum wait do you not have art on your wall i do but not in my bedroom i do i that's not true i have some over my bed but one of them fell down while i was gone and i just haven't but you know when you're gone all the time yeah not it like what's the point what's the point you get home you're like there's literally like four suitcases full of laundry just littered about my apartment it's never gonna be clean again the last time my apartment was

clean was when i got covid because i finally had time to do so oh my god did you get covid on the road i probably i got it in mid-january made so far. And then I got it. I think I probably got it in New York, went to Seattle and Portland and then tested positive. I left New York on like Thursday, tested positive on Sunday before I had any symptoms. Um, just when I got home for like, because I was going into edit my special. So it wasn't even like, I think I'm sick. for like because i was going in to edit my special so it wasn't even like i think i'm sick and when i tested positive i was like i bet that was a just a false positive yeah and then like two days later i felt horrible for you know the next 12 days uh so i 12 days yeah it was rough it was not fun thank you no fucking thank you i am truly in awe that like your special came out you're touring

again with a whole new hour because i think i saw that on instagram and i was like holy shit you're a fucking machine it's a new it's a i should say it's a different hour because some of the jokes just didn't make the final cut so i was like okay i'll save these so i can keep doing them and then some of it's new that i wrote in the last three months. And some of it's new that I wrote going into filming the special that I just worked on in town and then did the hour on the road. And so I have, I have cobbled together a different hour and everyone in my life is telling me I don't have to do that. They're like, you're fine. Just do old jokes if you want. It's no one's going to be mad. Lots of people are like, we waited to watch the new one because we

had these tickets to see you live because I also didn't plan it very well in that. I don't know that I could have done this. Like when your special was coming out and Netflix told you when it was coming out, did you go like, I would prefer this? Or were you just like, yeah, okay, whatever you guys think? Because I didn't say anything. I got lucky. You got lucky. I got really lucky that it was December. So it was like, everything's kind of closing down. And I wasn't touring in December and I wasn't, and I hadn't booked anything until March this month. and I wasn't and I hadn't booked anything until March this month. So I was like, actually, this works out.

It just happened to work out. But like if it came out, say, January, then I'd be like, oh, I'm a little fucked because just shit's not lining up right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. They I thought that it would come out like four or five months after we filmed it and yours came out really fast too right yeah after you filmed it yeah we we shot it in uh september and it came out in december right which was nuts yeah we shot we

shot look at you in december like decemberth, and it came out first week of March. So it was like two and a half months. And I was like, I thought I was going to have at least another month, if not two. And I got COVID like right after I filmed it. So it was like, it really set me back and I thought I would be further along. So I've just been like doing shows in like the you who room at flappers during the week to like work on the new hour. And I, again, I'm sure I could do a few old jokes. I'm debating whether or not to just like end on the closer from the special. Cause at that point it's been a new 55 and then it's whatever but i don't know i've never been in this situation where i i should have probably said hey i have another two months of tour dates after march 8th maybe we should put it out in april but i just didn't even i was like yeah absolutely whenever you guys want well I mean

it's such a huge thing that it's like who am I to be like actually that doesn't work for my schedule big conglomerate you are Netflix yeah so I fully feel the impulse to be like no no no thank you so much uh whenever whenever you want whatever it's fine yeah but I do think you could tell your closer from your special and I think you could tell your closer from your special. And I think you could preface it with, if you watch my special, you know my closer. But enjoy it again. And if you haven't seen it, it's a little treat. Yeah.

You can do old jokes, I think. Me personally, my half hour came out, did a college show. And this girl came up to me. She's like, I'm a very big fan. Was really disappointed that I had seen most of your hour in the half hour and it come out like two weeks prior i was like okay well anytime anything comes out it's all gotta be new stuff and i was like this is just one person who has colored so you did a lot of you did an hour at that show and she said that she'd seen half of it but she had seen 20 minutes of it because

the hat like the half hour i was doing i only bit 20 minutes of it to fluff out that hour and i was like okay well yeah if you put out material it's gotta be all new which is insane it's absolutely insane and that was another reason why people are like just do a few of the new jokes and i said no no because if i do a few of the new jokes. And I said, no, no, no. Because if I do a few of them, then people will go, she did the same stuff. They're not going to go. It was mostly new. I have to do all or nothing. So my options are people come and they go, that wasn't as good as her special, but it was all new stuff. Or they come and they go, yeah, there was a lot of stuff on her, but she did do stuff from the special and my fear is that people then go well next time she's in town we'll just i mean

we'll just wait for it to be a special yeah that's the shittiest part because it's like when beyonce comes to town you're not like where's the new shit beyonce i don't want to sing along. I want to wonder where's this going? Yeah. And we are the equivalent of Beyonce in both beauty and ability. So yes, we are Beyonce's. Taylor, tell me about your devout Christian upbringing. What an awful segue. Can you even? There wasn't a segue. You were like, we're both Beyonce. And I was like, mm-hmm. Christian, is it?

You were a Christian? Did you say Christianism? Christianism? Tell me about the Christianism. Oh, my God. I mean, you saw my closer. You know how Christian I grew up. It's so funny because I still have jokes about growing up that way.

And you'd think that, you know, all these years later and two specials later, I would shut the fuck up about it. uh sexual expectations and trauma that i endured uh as a result of being told to be abstinent my entire life and that i was a whore and anybody who touched me didn't respect me or love me and uh turns out we're still working through all of that how fun is that um yeah no i'm not religious anymore i grew up very christian and uh that's how i started doing stand-up is in churches because i took a class from a a christian comic super cool story i mean i think that's a cool story because i'm like what jokes do christian comics do i mean christian comics have church jokes because they only perform in churches but i wasn't doing that because I didn't want to. But I'm like, are there Bible premises?

Like the thing about Cain and Abel are. Oh, yeah. No, there are. I know you're doing bits, but that's that's actually. Yeah. People have jokes like that for sure. That blows my mind. I'm trying to think of a good one about Noah's Ark and I can't think of one.

Well, it's usually the people who work the church circuit are usually uh married men in their 50s you know so it's usually like family jokes if they want to do like some innuendo it has to be tied into like song of solomon or whatever like they gotta they gotta tie it into like a a suggestive bible verse you know like there's i mean pastors are always trying to be funny in sermons like literally always i think our pastor growing up like i found out at one point he had like wanted to be an actor and i was like that checks out for sure um and if your pastor was like funny that was such a bonus but then when they tried to be funny and they weren't it was a real bummer but yeah I think that there are you know for church audiences

they all have the bible in common and of course that should be the thing you make fun of because we're all on the same page of the bible I mean the bible's such like a i grew up pretty religious too and i went to like vacation bible school sunday school fucking such long church services and anytime we read stuff from the bible i was like a this doesn't make sense yeah how come this hasn't been updated to today speak to these parables are nuts that we take some of these verbatim and some of them are stories and i'm like who decided yeah in the bible it's like don't eat shrimp and i'm like i see a lot of y'all at the red lobster so you tell me what's up we just decided that one was like a joke we thought that was that sounded sarcastic that one. You started performing stand-up at 16, which to me is wild.

I had no direction at 16. Oh, neither did I. I mean, kind of. You were like, I want to do comedy. No, I wasn't. I really wasn't. There was a woman at church who told my dad, I'm going to take this stand-up class,

and you should come and you should take Taylor. And so I think my dad took me thinking I would write jokes for him maybe because I wanted to write like kids books. I wanted to write like YA novels. And I just took this class and like fell in love with it. And even after I fell in love with it, it wasn't until I was like 18 or 19 that I performed. It wasn't until I was 18 that I performed in a comedy club because I wasn't allowed to. And then once I finally performed in a comedy club, I was like, oh shit,

this is what I want to be doing. But even then I was too scared to be like, I'm going to be a comedian for real. And I was so terrified and had so much stage fright. And I like met another comedian who had like started at 16 too. And they were like, you're not working hard enough. Like they're like, you're really funny, but you have to go up like every night that you can. And once I started doing that, things started moving really quickly and I got better so much quicker and a lot happened. And I'm sure part of that is because I was so young, but no, I, it wasn't like a, I've known since I was 12, this is what I always wanted to do. It was a very, um, a very slow, I just fell into it. I really just fell into it. And then even when I was doing it and knew I loved it, I, I didn't think like, well, this will be my job. I was like, I can do this on the weekends as I've become a teacher. I love that. You were like, no, I'm hanging on to this. I want to become a teacher. I love that you were like, no, I'm hanging on to this. I want to be a teacher.

I want to do other things. Yeah, I don't know. I think you're really great at telling jokes. I like this one that you have where you're telling your dad about, I think your depression, and he was like, when you feel that way, go as far away from people as you can

and you compare it to a werewolf. It was such a good comparison. he was like, when you feel that way, go as far away from people as you can. And you compare it to a werewolf in that, like, it was such like a, a, what, like such a good, I don't know.

You know, like you hear a joke and you're like, God damn, why didn't I think of that? It was such, it's such a good joke. It really made me laugh. Oh,

thank you. Yeah. I wish, uh, look, I wish he hadn't said that, but also we're paying the bills. We're paying the bills with these,

with these nuggets of wisdom he gave. Yeah, I have a couple like, I used to tell a couple jokes about my grandpa saying like horrific things to me that were like very funny. And I would tell him I said them on stage and he would just like laugh and be like, well, it's true. And I'm like, well, don't double down. That's not the point.

Isn't that crazy? I've done that too where my dad and I don't really have a relationship now, but when I was younger, I would run jokes past him before I put them on television. And he was like, yep, that's what I believe. Gay people should have no rights.

And you're like, cool. All right. I'm going to go do it now. No take backs. Like, yeah, no,

that is funny to be like, I, you said this wild thing and he's like hmm yep yeah yeah go tell go spread the news yeah i have a joke in my first special about uh which i made very funny but i it's the one joke in quarter life crisis that i probably should have saved for this new special thematically um but it's about how me like essentially being suicidal in high school and my dad saying like be my guest go ahead oh yes and uh it's very funny joke if you watch the joke and it's i think very like you know i think it's very gracious uh towards my parent uh where i make

myself just sound kind of like ridiculous and dramatic, but actually a very traumatic memory that I've had to work through in a lot of therapy. And it's true. I say in the joke, like I brought it up to him and he was like, oh yeah, I remember that. And you're like, wow, you, okay. That's an interesting thing that you say, like you worked through it and then you put it on stage and you like make it funny. I had a friend where I like told a joke about them on stage because we like got into this thing and they were like, well, I don't want you to not talk about the funny things that happened in your life. And I was like, oh, that wasn't funny.

That was awful. And that's why I talked about it, because it made me feel better that I could make it funny and that people laughed and then it felt good to me. And they were like, oh, well, that's not how I operate because they're not a comic. And I was like, oh, OK, cool. Yeah, we're not all like that where we have to tell everyone our trauma and have them go. I don't I'm honestly not sure how anybody heals from things without this. I'm like, what do you do if you're just like a lawyer? You have no outlet. I don't know. Maybe you like, I don't know, you go to court and you tell like a dead dad joke. And then they're like, hey, do you need time off?

I know. Oh, my God. One of the first jokes I wrote was about my my dad's death or whatever. I mean, I think I've told him the podcast before, but it's essentially like I invited my dad to my first improv show and he died before that because he'd rather be dead than see his daughter do object work and thank you i told it to just a crowd of people who were silent and i was like oh okay nothing not it well here's another one a lot of you guys move back in with your parents in your early 20s i couldn't do that because graveyards closed and they were like we're still not on board oh my god i i love that because my new special has six minutes of jokes about my mom dying

so i'm so right there with you and i tried to talk about it for years and would like kind of test the waters i'm like okay i'm 21 i've been on television can to talk about it for years and would like kind of test the waters. I'm like, okay, I'm 21. I've been on television. Can I talk about my dead mom? No. All right. We'll check back in, in a year and a half, in a year and a half ago. Hey, Hey, I did another thing. I have another credit. Can I talk about it now? And everyone's like, Nope, we're still sad. We'll chuckle a little. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to do one, one Netflix special. And if it does well enough, maybe I can tell these dead mom jokes that work sometimes and uh also just you know I'm sure you know like you have this like hard stuff you want to talk about and sometimes you have to wait till

you mature enough as a performer to know how to package it yeah I also think your audience age is up a bit yeah so it's like at 21, I, cause I think that's when I first started doing standup at 21 or maybe 25. I don't remember. Um, less people in the audience had dead parents. So they're like,

do not identify. But it's like, what's your thirties? It's like, well, some people have experienced a little bit of death in my life. We are all out here. Yeah. It's, Yeah, it's sad.

But also, I don't know, if you can't, me personally, if I can't laugh at it, I don't know how to move past it. Yeah, same. Real quick, we got to take a break. And we're back um i don't know if you want to talk about it but you post on instagram just like selfies you take after anxiety attacks and i feel like i feel like that's helpful like for people to be like oh shit i'm not alone. Other people go through it and it's tough and it's hard. Yeah. I mean, selfishly, it's helpful for me because you get a lot of messages and comments that are like, oh, my God, I do this too. Or I'm going to do this

now. Or my therapist told me to do this. The first time I posted about it was during COVID. And it was after the first special came out. and I was feeling like my Instagram looked too good where I'm like, I look like everything's going really well and I need everyone to know that I'm also struggling behind the scenes. I shot this special, I had a horrible panic attack and had to take Klonopin and, you know, just know that people's lives aren't just like this incredible series of photos, which I always appreciate when I see other people on Instagram or Tik TOK or whatever, doing it. And then I posted it again this year in the last, whatever, six months, because I was feeling similarly where I was like, okay, we're doing, we're, we're living our dreams. Let's remind, let's remind people. I also just feel sort of like, I don't know, maybe dishonest if I don't touch on that stuff a little bit at times. Um, but yes, again, selfishly it made me feel a lot better and a lot less alone. And that's like the most rewarding part about creating stuff is or being any sort of like public figure or having a job in entertainment.

It's like being able to talk about the stuff that you experience or deal with or struggle with and having other people say, oh my gosh, me too. And what a relief to know that not only you, but everyone in this comment section feels that way as well. And it is really helpful to do for me. Like I legitimately look at that folder of photos when I am deep in a panic attack and I feel like I'm not going to get through it because you really do. You feel like you're going to die. You feel like you're not going to make it. And being able to look at how many times it has happened to you and that you're still here for me is very, very helpful.

Yeah. And I think it's helpful for other people to like understand feelings and it's like you will get through it. And what tools can you use to help yourself get through it? I didn't realize I had anxiety until this year. And I was like, oh, anytime I'm nervous about something coupled with feeling manic, that's how my anxiety manifests. And I know a lot of people have anxiety attacks where they feel like they're dying.

I never feel like that. I'm always like, what if I drive my car of people have anxiety attacks where they feel like they're dying. I never feel like that. I'm always like, what if I drive my car off a bridge? Right. And I'm like, don't do that. Oh, I and then I like can't like just like put my thoughts together. And then I'm like, oh, it's because I'm feeling anxiety about this thing that's going to happen shortly. And like before my specials to share truly to her credit if she was not at my house i do not know

if i would have gotten on that plane because the way i was packing my suitcase was wrong instead of bringing my suitcase upstairs i was bringing things down one at a time and like placing things in my suitcase and being like i go back upstairs and i'm like okay yeah and then she's like what are are you doing? And I was like, not sure. Yeah. It's like things just, my whole, uh, critical thinking goes out the window when I have anxiety. And it's like nice to know that like other people feel just not like themselves before things like before important events. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I mean, I'm,

I had such horrible stage fright when I started Oh, absolutely. I mean, I'm, I had such horrible stage fright when I started doing standup and I mean, coming back from the pandemic, from like quarantine and lockdown, I was like, I think I forgot. I think I forgot how to do it. I feel like I'm 16 years old again, having to go on stage, not knowing what I'm doing. And the only reason I don't get nervous like that to that level is because I do it so much now. But even like doing spots in town, I don't know how you feel, but obviously like when you go on the road, people are there to see you. And in town, that's not always the case. There are people in the audience who are excited to see you. And then there's people in the audience who are like, case there are people in the audience who are excited to see you and then there's people in the audience who are like you're not joe rogan so it's such a mixture and you know that's how

we all started of course but once you get used to people coming to see you you're like this is really nice i love this part and then you come back to town and you're like okay i know this is important so we make sure these jokes work everywhere but it it definitely is less comfortable walking out on stage at like the comedy store and you're working on new stuff a lot of the time it's just yep yeah all the stuff i did the other night was new stuff and i had to follow jessal nick and i was like oh boy and he was like do you mind he's like are you pressed for time i was like no and he's like oh okay so you're right after me and i was I mean, I don't want to be right after you. And he was like, ha-ha.

And I was like, okay. And then after I left, Chris Rock, as I was walking out, Chris Rock was walking in, and I was like, yeah, that's what these people want. They want a real famous drop-in. They don't want to see me. You are really famous, though. Oh, you know, not at the comedy store.

Truly, they looked at me like a giant toddler in purple overalls that they have never laid eyes on. And I was like, this is is that true, though? Or do you feel like that's in your head? Because I feel like the comedy store psychs a lot of people out. It might be in my head because I feel like you have to get past there. And I'm not like I don't do shows there regularly. I think you're past, though. Am I? I think so. Did your name get painted on the wall? Sure didn't. No.

Really? Yeah, I'm not past there. What is it? A paid regular? I'm not one of those. Really? Sure I'm not. I can like see your name written in my head.

It's nowhere, Taylor. That's so weird. Oh, it's fine. I do spend more time in like at alt shows and alt rooms and like the back of a bookstore or like the parking lot of a taco truck. Like, I don't know. That's where I thrive.

But if it's like, oh, people paid good money and there's lights. Those are not my people. People paid good money and there's lights. Look, we all love good heroin. Okay. That's a great show. Like every example you gave was good heroin.

Yeah. Well, I just performed there and that was nice and they were nice to me and I liked it. Well, and it's so important, I think, to perform it at like club rooms and alt rooms. Yes. Because it is different. Just a different dynamic and even like our shows on the road you know you go do a theater or a club i mean a lot of these improvs are essentially theaters they're so big like it's a different you're so much more you're so just so

much more in those rooms like working on this hour at flappers in the you who room this last week, just in between these theater shows, I'm like, Oh, this is not how it's going to be on stage when I can pace. And here I'm just kind of stuck at this. This stage is literally two feet long. I'm basically standing on a box in front of 40 people, which is good for working out ideas, but not necessarily be choreography of an entire hour. So yeah, I think it's, and even in New York too, like, I don't know how much, I know you filmed your special in New York, right? How much do you go out to New York to do spots or anything? I had this grand idea that I was going to do that. And then the pandemic hit and I was like,

well, I guess I'm not, I I don't know but I haven't decided next year I might spend like maybe two months or something trying to work out my hour because I decided to take the rest of this year off I had like a couple of things where I was like oh I have to keep canceling shows because I keep getting jobs

and then I was like well in anticipation of like a busy rest of the year, I might as well just do that and then like block off a good amount of time next year to do it. So I think I might spend like two months in New York and just like really work out the hour. I also was like, I don't think I have it in me to create an hour that I'm proud of. I know I could cobble something together, but I was so proud of my special that I was like, cobbling sounds like a treat, like a cobbler.

And I don't want to cobble together material. So yeah, and then I was like, because I'm working on a bunch of different things and I was like, I could cobble it and I could finesse it and like refine it and like in a couple months be proud of it. But I was like, I don't think I have the the like uh the bandwidth to actually do that with everything else I'm doing yeah yeah so I was like if that's the one thing that goes that that I think that's

what it is yeah which sucks because I do like touring but it's so much it's hard to do that and anything else yeah so so during the pandemic you were not touring and i don't know if you want to get into it but you made content with um with sam and can we talk about this or are you sure we can talk about it okay so what was it like dating someone being cooped up and creating content with them? I mean, honestly, at the time, like we'd been dating for like five months at that point and we were long distance obviously. And like, weirdly, it was kind of great for us because we're both workaholics. And so it gave us something to do. We like did a web series together and we started a podcast and we were there every day to like motivate each other and help each other. Right. Should we have taken more time off to rest? Possibly. But we didn't do that. had never spent five months with a partner like day and night all day like that had never happened and he stayed in la because he was out here when everything shut down um already and was going to

go on the road and and just decided to stay thinking it would be a couple weeks and then it turned into five months and um yeah i think us, like it was kind of a great part of. Our relationship that later on, we looked back at and we're like, oh, that was actually really kind of nice to be in the same place as the person you were dating for for that amount of time, because it when we weren't, you know, terrified, uh, and thinking about dying and losing everyone we love, we were just like hanging out, just like sleepover, you know? So yeah, I think, I think in a weird way, uh, I look back on that time very fondly knowing of course that the, uh, terror present yes but then you're like well we watched a lot of movies and that was fun and look we did like we also had just both released specials like he had released one in february and i had released one a week before lockdown. So we were promoting those specials on Zoom for literally months.

Like that kept us busy for like the first two months we were doing a lot all day. And then we started doing stuff together. So then like we were interviewed like on Zoom for like the today show about this dumb web series we did on Instagram. Like, it was so dumb. It was such a weird, weird time. Yeah, looking back at the pandemic, or, I mean, we're still kind of in it. Whatever. But, like, looking back to, like, that first couple months of it,

it was like, what is anything anymore? What are we doing? We're doing Zoom interviews all the time. Okay. We're going to see the inside of everybody's houses. Some of y'all don't clean up. Uh-oh. Yeah, it's wild.

Here's another question. I love asking people. So when you're on the road, do you have chuckle fuckers? I mean... It's like... Define it. Do you just mean anybody who hits on you?

Yeah. Do you find yourself getting hit on a lot on the road? I mean, I don't hang out or anything after shows. I found that if people hit on me after shows, it's usually like their friends saying like, you like to like it's usually like that kind of thing. Yes. I had a guy in a meet and greet the other night go like because I do jokes about like dating. I'm like, I need to stop dating straight men. And he was like, maybe you should just stop dating the wrong type of straight man. And I'm like, ah, like you just kind of like, you laugh it off or like, or you I'll have guys do that. And cause I do a meet and greet, but it's only for like 50 people. So every once in a while you get a, you get a dude who's like, Hey, if you ever need someone to call back to your set, the thing you and I'm like yeah okay you you message me

and then I never check them um but no nobody's ever I I just I've never done anything about it I've never even like the the few times that you're like you're attractive what am I gonna do I get a lot of dms from people who are like hey when you're in Oklahoma City and I'd love to take you to dinner and you're like why you think I'm gonna move to Oklahoma City you think we're gonna you think I'm looking to go on one date in Oklahoma City, just one date in Oklahoma City and maybe you give up everything and you move there. Wait, what is it? Helium.

Helium's in Oklahoma City. Have you done that helium? Is it the helium? I thought Oklahoma City. I did Bricktown. You're right. It is Bricktown. Okay, good.

Okay, I was like, am I crazy? No, you're not crazy. I'm crazy. Wait, is it? Yeah, it is Bricktown. I love that place. That place is awesome. That club's so fun. I had crazy. Is it? Yeah, it is Bricktown. I love that place. That place is awesome. That club's so fun.

I had some of my best sets ever there. Yeah. And I was like, Oklahoma City? I know. Yeah. Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky is another one. Oh, really? Oh, my God.

It's incredible, that room. I had to reschedule so many times in 2020. It was 2020 was fun because it was like, OK, we're rescheduling for later this year. Yeah. And then later this year, what happened? Like, we're rescheduling for next. It was wild. Yeah.

It was a lot of pretending. Yeah. Yeah, truly. Well, I mean, I only thought it was going to be two weeks where I guess everyone thought I was gonna be like, we stay inside for two weeks and this goes away. We were like, cool. I need a break um were you ever on dating apps like tinder I got on ok cupid when I was like 21 I believe for four days long enough to get a joke out of it for quarter life crisis okay and then um after that i've been on hinge

a couple of times okay but i never last longer than like a week um i'm general i'm generally in a relationship and i'm realizing that is not healthy If you're just in back-to-back relationships, um, and usually if I was on a dating app it was to like distract myself or something But I don't usually last very long Um, but i've gotten on hinge a couple times and It's just weird because now people will like They recognize you now. Yeah, They recognize you. It feels so

douchey to say that, but, and then people you think don't know who you are do. And then they pretend like they don't. And you have to like figure out, cause I never really put my job on there. And then people would like, I went out with a guy once who thought I was catfishing him. And I was like, I was just in, I was, I think I was manic at the time. And I was like, you think I'm catfishing you? Let's get coffee. Like, I just was like, I'll prove it. Just not great. Oh, I'll fucking meet you. I'll meet you. I'll show you. That's so me you but yeah it is it's just weird it feels like you feel like very paranoid and i'm not like a famous person so i don't feel like i can be but i also like i tried raya once and i think i don't think i was on that for very long either because

i never saw one person i wanted to date yeah i think Raya is filled with a lot of like Australian DJs and like weird models and yeah, just people I'm not interested in. But also you are like, you're very successful and you are like pretty famous. I think you are. Are you on dating apps right now? Oh, she's on all of them. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge hinge and you have to get recognized all the time yes and no my demographic is not straight men so straight men a lot of the time will just be like hey and we'll like back and forth a couple times and then we'll go out and they'll be like what do you do and i'll be like oh okay i'm an actor and like what have you been in and i'm like oh okay yeah one of the last dates i went on he was like what do you do and i said oh i'm a comic and he was

like oh okay and is that it do you have a day job and i was like oh no i also like host this show on netflix and he's like what's it called like nailed it and he was like oh that's pretty cool and i was like huh and i'm still like high on myself but like, oh, this person is either the best actor of our time or they genuinely don't know who I am at all. And then they didn't really seem to know anything about like the entertainment business. And I was like, OK, to be in California and to like not know anything is like kind of fun and kind of cool and it was an interesting date i mean that sounds great that's kind of the dream is like which is so weird because i'm like why am i trying to hide this from people this thing i do that probably makes me it's like the coolest thing about me if we're being honest like uh-huh it's the coolest thing about me but to and like male comics put it all over that shit like male comics they'll do three photos of them on stage holding yeah holding the mic or like with earphones on being like i podcast yeah it's just a lot and i don't know. The dating app thing, I've gone on a handful. I had one week a while back that I did hinge and I was like, I took a cross-country flight and I just went so hard for six hours.

set up like seven dates. And I was like, we're doing that this week. And by the end of the week, I was like, okay, I need to talk to my psychiatrist about changing medication. But it's, I was like, oh, this is like easy. Like if you just want to go on dates and meet people, this is easy. Finding someone you really like may not be super easy, but you can go on dates. And like, I met some very nice people and probably could have dated some of them, but the like, the app stuff is just like, it's just not fun. It's not fun.

And it is another job. It's another job. Cause you've got to swipe. You have to message people. You have to set up the date. You have to go on the date. It is truly exhausting. And and then you like don't get anything out of it i don't even know if i told this story on the podcast but i went on a date

with this dude who we were talking and he was like you know all black people are aliens and i was like wait what you can't say that but he was also black black. So I was like, I guess I just listen. And then he was like, from ancient Egypt, you know who Nefertiti is? I was like, yes. And he was like, Nefertiti.

And I said, yeah, I know who Nefertiti is. Stop repeating. He was like, she was an alien. That's why she wore that big hat because she was an alien. And that was like where her skull went.

And I was like, I guess if, if that's what you, if that's what you think. And I still fucked him because i was like i guess if if that's what you if that's what you think and i still fucked him because i was like i've already invested time in this yeah yeah you're like we're in too deep so deep and then he like wouldn't leave he like was just laying in the bed and kept talking and i was like you don't say and he's like well uh are you gonna do anything for the rest of the night?

And I was like, it's so late. What do you mean? I was like, I guess I'm going to watch HGTV. And then he left and said, I guess I'll leave you to watch your little houses. I was like, okay. He was so weird. Oh, my God. Dating's horrible.

That sounds, I just. It really is. Yeah. I don't know I'm like I'm very much like I have no interest in dating uh at the moment for a while I think I'm like good for a minute and I will panic about getting older later I suppose like I just I just can't do it right now I'm tapped out do you panic about like being alone older because I'm always like I don't now. I'm tapped out. Do you panic about like being alone older? Cause I'm always like, I don't know if I'm old and alone, whatever. I'm like the now I need someone

now. Oh, that's amazing. I mean, no, I just, I mean, obviously you want someone now, but I, yeah, I totally, I think I'm just like, I don't know. I don't want to say like, I'm a relationship person. Cause that's what love addicts say when they want to sound stable. Um, but I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not like a casual dater. I'm not, I'm not making the most of it out here. You know, I'm not living, living life to its fullest in my twenties. Like I date pretty, pretty seriously and monogamously. And even when I've dated people that I was like, well, this probably won't last. I still ended up in a serious relationship with those people. So I don't think I know how to do like, this'll just be a casual chapter of my life. Cause I've tried to do that and it has not worked out.

So I think I just need to maybe wait until it happens. That sounds very healthy. To know how you behave and just be like, I just need to wait. I think that sounds healthy. Yeah. Real quick, we have to take another break. What's the worst date you've been on? Oh, just all the ones that like weren't. Weren't my soulmate like that was so fucking rude. I'm like, you're really you're going to go out with me and not be my husband. Fuck off. I'm trying to think I don't know that

I've had any like horrific dates. I really haven't. I've the worst dates I've been on. We're just like, oh, that was a bummer. Like I thought that would be better. Like that's really it. Like I was, I went on a date with a guy once that I had talked to for a few days and I was like, oh my God, like we have so much in common. Like it really made me, it made me able to appreciate love is blind later because I was like, oh, I understand how you could talk to someone and not see them in person and think like, oh my God, this could be it. And then you meet them and you're like, oh, okay. Just like, it's not like just deflate like a balloon. That's why I don't text back and forth.

That's smart. that's so smart yeah i just it's too much and i'm like but like i don't know like it's like you you're one person texting and then you meet them in person you're like i don't want this at all yeah or even just like that weird thing where you're like there's just something's just not there you know you're like oh it's so weird how it's just like fine you know yeah um fuck i had another question that i can't remember dating apps worst date you've been on worst date so okay you you're a relationship person this is what i want to ask you go from relationship to relationship, which I think is fine. How can I become a relationship person?

I mean, look, that's what people have asked me. And you know what, though? You you hit a point where I think the universe goes, you have to stop now. Well, you have to stop. We're going to we're going to make it so you can't do that anymore. This is you need to chill out. We're going to make it so you can't do that anymore. This is, you need to chill out. We're going to sit on you. I do think there is some truth to, hey, take a break between relationships to reset and, you know, get over that last one.

So you're not doing it while also falling in love with the next person because that overlap is very confusing. But I do have friends who are single. I have, I had a friend who's been single for a while and she asked me, she's like, how do you get like guys to just like want to be your boyfriend? And I was like, I mean, I'm sure it's partially the people I picked. I mean, not everyone's going to want to be my boyfriend. And then also I think I have trust issues. So I think looking back on it, honestly, you should never play games, guys. You should never do that. Okay.

And I wasn't. I just genuinely didn't trust them or think I should date them. But when you do that, that's very enticing to straight men. A lot of the time when you're like, I just don't, you know, like looking back a lot of the beginning of a lot of my relationships, pretty much all of them. I think I tried to end them a couple of weeks in where I'm like, yeah, this just isn't, this just isn't, I don't think you want like really not healthy where I'm just like, oh, I just don't think you really want this or I don't think you really like me that much. And they're like, no, no, I do. And then you're like, do you really like me?

Or are you just trying to prove something? So, yeah, it's unfortunate. But I do think maybe. But look, I'm still single. So I don't know. I don't know what the healthy way is. I think ideally you're not supposed to play any games. But also, I don't think it doesn't not work to be a little like hard to get, supposedly.

I mean, this seems to be if I was to be like, oh, what is the most the most similar advice you've gotten doing this podcast? Everyone is like, be a little hard to get. If you're trying to get a man, you got to just play a little hard to get. And then they'll try to get it. And then to get a man you gotta just play a little hard to get and then they'll try to get it and then they'll get it right yeah and they'll feel like they did something they won something and you're like all right yeah it's so dumb it's depressing it's really depressing if you're dealing with straight men i've but i have found that works typically. Beyond that, I don't. I really don't know.

It's just I'm not sure. What's the best advice you've gotten on this podcast? I mean, the best advice is like, be yourself and don't dim your light. Right. Right. Of course. But then I'm just like, I don't know what man's going to be like that loud woman's for me. Do you really feel that way?

I, yes, I do. I feel like very few gentlemen in Los Angeles are like, you better give me that loud woman who will take attention from me. Well, I'm sure the street men love how rich and successful you are, right?

They're like so into that. Sure don't. Oh boy. They're like, Oh, you have all your own stuff and don't need me for a single thing. Unsubscribe. Yeah.

So Taylor, I know you have to go. Thank you so much for doing this. Do you have anything you want to promote sure just watch my specials on Netflix uh quarter life crisis and look at you they're both on there I'm also episode three I think of the comedy lineup so that's like two hours and 15 minutes of stuff just on Netflix. You're welcome. And then follow me on Instagram and TikTok and all that good stuff. No Twitter. I deleted Twitter. Congratulations. Right before my special came out because I was like, you know what? It's going to be a lot. And I just want one

less thing to check and worry about because I wasn't going on it. I was like barely using it. So I was like, I'm only using this to like check the news. I'm not really using this as a promotional tool. Like, let's just get out of this. And it's so funny because the week after I was talking to my therapist and she was like, did something happen on Twitter? And I said, what do you mean? And she goes, well, I noticed you weren't on Twitter anymore. And I said, oh yeah, I just got off of it. Cause I, you know, before the special came out because i just wanted like one less thing sending me notifications and she goes oh thank god i

thought something happened and you had to deactivate your account she's like i was fishing to see if you had gotten canceled right exactly no twitter are you still on twitter i am still on twitter and every day when i read something, well, no, it's not something awful. There's this one man who likes to tweet at me every couple of days that he like wants me to sit on his face. I'm like, do I really need to be here? Yeah. But sometimes that makes me feel better where I'm like, well, at least somebody wants me to sit on them. You know, look, I'm sure those people are also in your other folder on Instagram. You are right. Oh, maybe I should go through that and be like,

anybody want to say something nasty to me here? If you need a brief, brief pick me up, just go to the other folder. And sometimes it'll work and sometimes it won't. All right. That's good advice. I mean, if you're looking for salacious comments about your body. Always, always, always.

It's funny because I'm like, when people say nice things, I'm like, I don't want it. But when someone's like, I want to stick my hand in your folds, I'm like, yay. And that's maybe why I should, you know, get back to therapy. Just taking a break. She got to get back there. Thank you so much for being with me taylor what a dang treat thank you for having me this is very fun so if you write me a nasty message hitting on me i will read it um so this message says this is long i'll do the shorter one actually i'll do the

longer one why not okay this is so fucking long i'd love to take you on a date somewhere special i'd blindfold you and all you oh also if you want to send me something dirty it's why won't you date me um podcast at gmail.com i'd blindfold you and all you'd hear is me guiding you into a ride share lift or uber black obviously because you're worth it that's funny that i didn't get like a better lift anyway we drive for a while meanwhile i'm kissing and licking from your ear to your lips to the other ear ew and like a joker smile finally the car stops and we get out the same word is the same voice you do for uh the mcdonald's podcast read if you don't do it and it's proper

insane inflection it doesn't count you hear a ton of voices and i help you spread your legs and raise your arms you think you're about to get in to fuzzy cuffs for something fun but we move on okay you lay down on a hardwood table you hear a ton of voices around us are we performing maybe i start to eat that sweet pussy and get you groaning you're moaning for more and all of a sudden smell spicy are you having a stroke no you'd smell toast lol this is wild you keep squirming while i eat you out and smelling smelling spicy smells finally you realize there's a sizzling sound around us as well. You break down and rip off the blindfold and realize we're going to town in the middle of Guy Fieri's restaurant in the Burbank airport. All the families from the square Midwest states

are just enjoying their fajitas and quesadillas while we keep destroying one another. No one cares because it's the airport. They've seen it all before i start this is so long i start to deep dick you with this big white dick and shipped on my heels to make sure to hit all the angles we pound away for the next 20 minutes while the servers have to move around us to get uh to get guy fieri's signature burgers to hungry travelers finally we lock eyes and realize we're about to explode and both come at the same time, creating a white chocolate and dark chocolate mix on top of a skillet brownie with ice cream.

We just added the final sauce. Why is there dark chocolate sauce coming out of anybody? As we come down from our Flavortown post-coitus high, we want the skillet brownie get brought to us brought to an unsuspecting diner and all we do is laugh and leave the burbank airport because we got refundable one-way tickets your amazing producer mars meets us on the way out and is ready to record the recounting of today's activities for the next podcast episode we also grabbed her six bottles of wine on our way out of the airport as a way to say thank you for being fantastic

this is wild joe i'm saying your name out loud this is joe and you are absolutely insane so that is why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com if you want to say something wild to me okay bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.