Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Creatively Building a Family (w/ Sabrina Jalees)

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

Comedian Sabrina Jalees (Mating Season) returns to the podcast! Sabrina talks about how she and her wife made a family, including picking out a sperm donor and performing a home insemination using a dog catheter. They break down the recent news about websites hosting non-consensual "sleep content" and the terrible networks of men coaching each other on how to assault their partners. Sabrina shares her attempt at a magic trick proposal while her partner dealt with a bathroom emergency, and they discuss: Can 2 butches make a right? Plus, why we need to rethink how we speak about pregnancy loss, and Sabrina makes a strong case for freezing your eggs.Check out Mating Season on Netflix.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast by checking out our sponsors:• FirstLeaf: Get personalized wines, delivered. Head to TryFirstleaf.com/DATEME to sign up and you'll get 50% off your first box PLUS free shipping for an entire year• Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/3v6r90n6 #CashAppPod Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Discounts and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerThis is a Headgum podcast. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. I want you date me a podcast. Romeno Kohlbeyer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my toes and tell me their socks. My comedian is, nope, my guest.

I am your comedian. My guest today is my personal comedian, my personal writer, who co-hosts the podcast, good enough. Her series, her new series. I'm having trouble reading because my contact fell out. Don't read. Speak from your heart. Say all my credits from your heart. I can't.

Her new series mating season, which is about a bunch of horny animals, is out now on Netflix. It's a bunch of horny animals who have a heart. Yes. And it's horny, the heart. The heart is horny. And I play a pear-shaped fox named Penelope.

Yes, a bottom-heavy fox. That's right. It's Sabrina! My name. So, last time you were here, eight years ago. Yeah, back then you were single. I was single. Back then, you could come on your toes and you'd be like, thanks for these sucks. Thank you so much. But now...

Now you're like, why'd you come on my toes? I'm just like, this is crusting up. I don't like this. Why'd you do it? But eight years ago, did you have a kid? No, I probably was on the verge of... Oh, no, well, my kid is eight. But I don't think that I had a kid when I came on your... I don't think you did either.

Or when I came on your toes. No. But now that you've come on the podcast twice and my toes once, you have two kids. That's the recipe to making kids. Double your pleasure, double your fun. I've got two kids. I've got a two-year-old named Rowan and I've got an eight-year-old name Wolfie. And the way you got Wolfie is fun.

Oh, my God. Both ways fun. I don't know the second way. The second one actually is a lot of fertility problems. Oh, okay. But the second one was just up and down fertility mountain because the fertility gods saw me. just bragging about how I met a surfer. I said, what a face, what a body, what a soul.

Give me your seat. Can I have a dollop of your jiz? Uh-huh. He said yes. You only ask for a dollop, no backup? That's all you need, actually. A dollop has millions of possibilities. So I get the dollop in an Airbnb, put her in a syringe, needle without a needle.

The true trick back then, now there's devices, but back then the, like, you know, whisperer sort of whisper? Yeah, the whisper of a baby making. They're like, I'm just picturing a bunch of, like, lesbians in the 1800s being like, this is how you do it, this is how you do it, this is how you still to come. And what it was, this is how you get the come in, you get a dog catheter. A dog catheter. And you put it on the syringe.

So then you could put the dog catheter between your fingers and then you're Spider-Man, baby. Pugh, pew, pew, pew. So we, Shawna and I had beautiful sex, dog catheter between my fingers. Poo-Poo-P-P-P-Wolfie was born. I love that. And you're still in contact with Wolfie's. Biodad? Bhopi, you know, we are like all family.

He has two kids now. So they have like siblings in Mexico. It's very sweet. That's really, really sweet. I love that. Yeah. I mean, the sweet thing is like I was actually just talking to a friend about it this morning where like growing up I was like, oh, this is like so sad that like I'm

cursed and I'm a lesbian and now I'll never have a family you know like there was like a part of it that was like there was no example you're socialized to believe the way to have a family is I'm a mini and a daddy and they have to be yeah and let me tell you something with the the era we're in now with the

Epstein files the 62 million views from the rapist website I was like what are we actually talking about? And then the intersection of that and heated rivalry is like all of these straight women are like honey I'm done I'm packing my bags I'm coming to your place.

And they are all like simply hook me up with a short-haired woman to fuck. A short-haired woman to fuck. Give me one short-haired woman. I want to fuck a short-haired woman right away. I do know several women, not in their old age, but as they like get older, like, no, no, no, I'm definitely. Yes, yes, that's what the fuck was I doing with this dick in my mouth? Yes. I don't want this.

Ew. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You beat it up a little after. You're like, then that's for the amount of times I had to suck you. Yuck! I like that you hung yours up. Yeah, there's a shelf up here.

That's the penis. That's the large clit. Yes. And then the traditional clit up here. Oh. Do you do graphics on this show? Yes. Perfect.

Well, you'll animate that. No. Yes, I'll animate them. So the show comes out May 22nd, but it's already out because it's now June. Yes. So. Because we're recording in earlier. We're recording in August.

of 2027. Correct. We are in the future. We're in the future and we're just looking back and... Just reminiscing. Can you believe

how nice it is here in the future? Oh my God. All the problems are gone. Here's my, okay, here's my prediction. 2027. It's going to be so nice.

Because it rhymes with 2027. Yes. It does. Do you think 2027 will be so nice? I do. It has to.

It has to be nice. It has to. It can't get worse. No. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it has... So they keep saying... 2027, there's a website.

There's 62 million women who log on, and it's all about making men pass out that have raped women in the past. Yes. They do the eye check to the men and they beat the shit out of them. Okay. You've brought it up now twice. So let's get into it. Let's do it. It's crazy.

I, like, only really skimmed it because I found it to be so fucking upsetting. The website? No. I'm kidding. This woman's story. Yes. I was on the website and I was. I was like, I barely watched the videos.

I don't like this. This is upsetting me. But a man was drugging his wife. Not one man. This is Nicole. What? The fresh news is that there are millions of men that are on this site that are like, and they're coaching each other on how to drug and rape women.

And then they're filming it. And then they do this thing called eye check. And the eye check is like, is she really passed out? Yeah, well, she is. And I'm like, why don't. you guys just fuck each other, you know? Yeah. Like you don't even want to engage with a, you don't want an alive woman to be, but you are

doing this to be like, Peter's going to be so impressed. Do you even think that's what it is? I don't know. Whatever it is, I want nothing to do with it. And I do, I have two boys that we're raising and they will have nothing to do with it. Yeah. But like, it's not the same. but like it would never be in my realm of thoughts.

Do you know what I'm saying? Of course. Like to one do it, to two, film it, to three, make a fucking website to share it with other people. Like that's... Do you think the world would be different if pussies got big, long, and hard? I feel like that's the beginning of this whole story. It's like if you woke up in the morning and you were like, well, there goes my big ass pussy hard and needing to be satisfied.

No, I don't because I think women are socialized in a different way. No, but I'm saying, but it starts with the pile of dick getting hard and being like, well, someone's got to solve this problem. I don't know. By the way, I've never fucked a man. So I don't know. I'm like. So I do think that the problem is that they're socialized to say somebody else has to

solve this problem. Yes. Where women are socialized to you, I have to solve this problem. Yes. So men are like, well, I want the sex. How do I get the sex? I'll solve it. I'll put her to sleep. It's like, that what? No, get a flashlight. Get a flashlight. Quit your hands. What's somebody who wants it. Yeah. Like, what are we actually doing? How do you, how is your soul okay after? Right. That's like another thing. It's like,

do you not feel remorse? I guess not. Right in. Let us know. Yeah, let us know. If you're one of the $62 million, do you feel remorse? We're looking for one of the $62 million to write in. Let us know. Do you have a soul? Do you? Do you? So you're on a Netflix show. I'm on a Netflix show called Mating Season. And it's about, it's basically like if Friends was hornier and a bunch of animals. Yes. And in the woods.

And like, I mean, what I love about it, it's from the creators of Big Mouth. And these people are brilliant. And you also worked on Big Mouth. I also worked on Big Mouth. I love that it's like, it's these stories that get so. gonzo and big always start with heart you know like I play this cute little fox and I really I feel like she's a she's a really human like fox you know she's got a lot of feelings and she's just to date a lot of different forest animals and we have like great guest stars like Lena Waith and Abby Jacobson

you came by I did and it's just it's truly an exciting will show that I'm happy exists in the world. Without spoiling it, what is one of your favorite storylines that... It's when Penelope visits the 62 million men that visited the horrible website, and she shoots them. She kills them. She executes all of them. Got to say.

Pretty wild that animation was able to cover this so fast because it famously takes animation in like two years. No, but it's like you... Yeah, it's like a wide shot. My... Wait, what did you say before? I said 62 million. Um, what, without spoiling anything, what is your favorite storyline?

I love, there's an episode where, um, my character gets, like, absorbed into the mycelium network. Uh-huh. Um, like, does mushrooms and, like, is, like, connected to all of the trees in the forest and is, like, speaks to the core of shrooms, I believe. That was a good one. I also have, like, a very sweet love story, um, uh, that is set in Canada and I'm Canadian. And it's very sweet. You know, I love as a writer, like, I love, like, you know, using all the parts of the pig. And I feel like as a pig, as an actor, pig, they really, like, sucked on my bone marrow.

I love that. In a good way to make a bujia base that's worth watching on Netflix. Layos. There was layers to that. Mating season. Mating season. Where in Canada are you from? West Coast, East Coast, Middle?

That's East Coast. Kind of Middle Coast, East Coast. Just above the Great Lakes. Oh, is it really? Yeah. If you Google Earth the Great Lakes, you'll see me. Oh. Just waving. Just waving. What made you move from Canada to here? The politics. You said, yum, yum, yum.

The health care and the politics. I love it so much. No, I got catfished. I came here when Obama was president. Then I show up. It was like 90-day fiancee the way back. You show up at the airport and it's like, this is not the man I've been flirting with. Yeah. I moved here because I had the dream, you know. It's like there's a less people in all of Canada than the state of California. Do you know that? No, I don't know that at all. So like to be, you know, to create content, even that would be seen in Canada, you got to

be with the contenders. And here I am now. And how long were you here before you met Shawna your wife? I was here. I met her pretty quickly. I've been with Shawna for 17 years tomorrow. Damn. Oh my God.

Yeah. People late at birthday and happy early anniversary. Thank you, guys. So it's 17 years. And I've been living here for like, yeah, I guess like 18 years. Yeah. How did you guys meet? I don't think I actually know this.

I don't think so. Nicole. Let's see. Is it on my... Nicole, read your checkup notes, Nicole. Okay. Sean is into crystals. It's pictures of me nude on there.

Oh, okay. You met dancing in a nightclub. Yeah, it was like more of a dive bar, and it was a gay party. You know how they all have silly names. This one was called Brownies for my bitches. Excuse me? She got a brownie. She got to Brownie.

I said it. you know what every 10th time I tell the story I go she got her brownie nobody likes it it's the Netflix show nobody wants this when I say she got her brownie but I can't help it it's called brownies for my bitches and it was a gay party and I was single and I was drinking a gin and tonic and I was standing next to my friend I was in san francisco for two days and I like I like said to my friend I'm like I'm just never going to be attracted to anyone again okay You know that vibe when you're single. And also when you're queer.

And you're like, okay, so like the pond is getting smaller and smaller. Smaller and smaller. And you're just in this tiny pond being like, oh, when will someone come on my toes? When will they get warmer than immediately cold? Then I took a sip of my magic genitonic. I looked up and she was there and she was dancing. And I was like immediately, it was just like a cartoon jaw. If I was Penelope from mating season, my cartoon jaw would have dropped to the floor.

Tongue would have unraveled. And then a million little pear-shaped foxes would have marched out. So. And I just tried so hard to ask her for her number or talk to her. But I immediately was like the stakes are so high. So when you approached Shawna, was it like you were like, oh, I need this woman's number. I have to. I have to know her.

I must. I must. And does she get that vibe from you? where she's like, whoa, chill. Well, but she's also so cool and has tattoos and is like just like vibey girl, a sexy girl. And so I had to convince her I was cool. So she was outside smoking cigarettes.

And I was, don't smoke. And I asked for a cigarette for my friend to be like, I walked up to her and I was like, can I have a light? And then she goes, oh, yeah, my friend lit my cigarette. I'm like, I don't want to talk to your butch friend. Two butchers don't make her right. which is a controversial take I have. What do you think?

Two Butches together? Here's the thing. I do think two butches can make a right, but... You don't need... You could. You could, but you don't want to... One... I say a femme-butch-bitch-bitch make a right.

A femme-bush-bush. Yeah, no, you need a little mixing... Just a little. Yeah, yeah. you're actually just saying what I'm saying, which is that two buches don't make her right. So this Bush lady lit my cigarette and now I'm talking to her. Look, I'm not going to get scramble damble with the fams. I'm not going to be part of these 62 million men making the wrong turn on the wrong website.

Okay. I, two fams do whatever you want to do. Okay. So, but. Who lives a cigarette? Those weddings wear its of the two dresses, ladies. I say, let's just see. I'm dying.

Let's just see. I'm actually dying, Sabrina. Those weddings with the two dresses When it's the two dresses I start saying this is a bit of a messes Two dresses is a messes Damn it I was trying to steer clear

It's okay Look Wear all of your clothes Wear all your clothes Put every piece of clothing you have on Unless you're at a wedding Then one of you has to be in a tuxedo Not a tuxedo

One of you has to be wearing the britches Somebody wants to wear pants Around here is what I say How about a show That's like the nanny You know that show where the nanny came in and started spanking the kids verbally? You know, she would come in. It was called Supernanny or something.

Yeah, we're one of the kids. It's me, but it's just, it's me. And I go into a lesbian household and I go, who is wearing pants around here? And then you get your answer. And then you leave. And if it's both wearing pants, I go, well, but is one of you kind of femme wearing the pants? Yeah. Then I have sex with them.

Then I'm out of there. Why do you have sex with them? Because it's this podcast and I'm promoting a sexy show, Nicole. I don't want to get kicked out of this country. I got to do the dance. Are you a citizen? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Thank God. I've been arrested too many times. Wouldn't it be wild if I was like, are you a citizen? You were like, no, and I'm like, get her! No, I get her. This is the first podcast that ends with an ICE kidnapping. I would harbor you. Hmm.

Harbor? I don't know. I would harbor you. Let's ask the audience. Is that correct use of harbor? I don't know. What does that mean? Harbor.

Like, when you harbor a fugitive. You keep them from law enforcement, I think. This is actually maybe a good premise for a show. It's called I would harbor you. I would harbor you. But you harbor someone, but then you get obsessed with them. Then you're like chaining them to a radiator. You're like, I'm harboring you.

Okay. What if it's like pop the balloon? Have you seen that? Pop the balloon? Have you seen that show on YouTube? No. Okay. Well, everyone has a balloon and you pop it when you don't want to date the person.

So it's like instead of dating, it's harboring. it's harboring, so you pop the balloon, and then you get to win the criminal and then you harbor them for as long as you can. Well, having not seen pop the balloon, the premise is crystal clear, and I'll purchase 10 episodes. Fantastic.

Spend whatever you want. I'm glad we're on the same page about things. Anyway, I kind of, I sort of got us away from where we were at, which was the butch lit my cigarette. I'm making the butch laugh. Uh-huh. Now, the butch laughter.

striking up the attention of the femme. And I know I sound like I'm from the 1920s, but let me live. So then Shauna is like, oh, this girl's making this other girl laugh. And then Shauna... She said, I want some giggles. She said maybe I want some giggles. But then I was still too nervous to say,

my name is Sabrina Lisa, I want to marry you. As you should be. I should be. I should be. I should be. So then time is ticking. I'm leaving. I have a business card.

Okay. It looks like this. Wait, really? Yeah, it says Sabrina Jolice, comedian, actor, your best friend. Underneath it says, if you don't like me, you're probably racist. Cool person, right? Is that good? Sabrina, that's the wildest thing.

I know. I was fresh out of Canada. I freshly came from Canada. what's going to get them going in this country? By calling them honestly? Honestly. Kind of. Honestly. Memorable.

No. Genius. Because people here are racist, but one of the things they hate the most is being called a racist. There you go. And then they're like, no, I have to like her. Wait a second.

I didn't like the smile, but that, I love her. I love her. I love her. Yeah, yeah. So smart. So I walk up to Shauna and I say, Hey, I'm leaving now, but I'm only in town for one more day.

And I'd love to hang out. I've been trying to tell you all night, I think you're super cute. Direct, cool, loser's business card. I hand it to her. She looks at me. She goes, I think you're super cute. Endorsement. I say, okay, she's got so many tattoos.

She's going to want to kiss me right now. So I go to kiss her. First, I kiss her on the cheek. This is crazy. It's absolutely crazy. Sabrina. These kids would not exist had she been a little more discerning because I was crazy. I kissed on the cheek.

By the way, the cheek kiss felt like full sex. Give me her fingers. Full sex. Cheek kiss. But I just want to rewind to she had so many tattoos. She's going to want to kiss. I'm freshly immigrated to this country. You got a picture of me coming off the Titanic.

It's Canada. It's Titanic got to America. It's Canada. You're acting like you came from Istanbul and you're like the culture is so different. My dad came from Pakistan. He's in my soul, Nicole. I'm meeting woman. I've got this Pakistani man being like, you might a kiss at me for it's too late.

Okay. Okay. And by the way, my dad's love story with my mom is full stocking. Oh, is it? So it's the apple falling, you know, next to your soul. Psycho, yeah. Wait, how did your dad get your mom? My dad just got obsessed with her and started sitting outside the hotel she worked at.

And then offering her a ride home. And his car wasn't even a good car. It was a car where he had the gas tank was leaking. So he had to rig it so that the gas was put in a bucket in the passenger seat. And that's where the gas was coming out of. He said, please get in my terrible bad car. As whiffing backseat. Hold the bucket of gas.

Marry me. And your mom is like, I like this. I guess so. She really, like the way that they describe it, she's like, and, you know, after a while, I just, I said, okay. So this is what's in my soul, and I'm looking at her, I kiss in the cheek. It did feel electric on both her ends. So then I'm like, let me upgrade you. And then I tried to do a full mouth kiss, to which she then,

puts me sort of back in the cheek and I go, I see you. I see you. The next morning I wake up, she had texted me late in the night. What did she say? She goes, hey little cutie, it was great to meet you. Maybe we can hang tomorrow. I am like, I am like bad bunny swinging on an electrical pole. I am like, I don't know if that's what bad bunny looked like, but it felt like a stadium was chanting, she's gonna kiss you. Yes. She's gonna sex you. And I start looking at my hotel room and like,

we'll be like making love over there. We'll be over here. We'll be over there. And then I text her about, I woke up at 7 in the morning. I wait a cool one hour. And I text her at 8 a.m. And I go, my hotel has a swimming pool.

If you want to come over, just bring your bathing suit. I've got plenty of towels. I have, wait, you didn't really say I have plenty of towels. I definitely said something about don't worry about the towels. Don't worry about towels. It's a hotel.

Yeah, I'm like smelling the gas fumes of my dad's shitty car. And she did not text back at 9. She did not text back at 10. She did not text back at 11. At noon, I was ready to hang myself at 1 p.m. I said, when's the text coming? 4 p.m. this bitch texts me back. She goes, the day got away from me.

Yeah. But I am working at Emmy's Spaghetti Shack tonight. And I'm like, this fucking fraudulent straight woman gets sent to. lesbian parties to go get, to get, to go get just ladies to come and spend money at this restaurant. Okay. Okay. She's fishing for ladies to come to the restaurant.

I'm like, this is a scam. Okay. But you went? No. I didn't. And this is where my, the whole chemistry of this situation would have changed. Because had I not had dinner plans already, I had some friends that were making me dinner. Yeah.

I had some friends that were making me dinner. What they make? A pot roast? Couldn't remember because I was just sort of like addicted to the idea of like, I'm going to see Shana later. So I text her, I'm like, I actually have dinner plans, but we're going to go to this other spot later. So truly, if I did not have those plans, I would have been at that restaurant the minute it opened. I would have sat there drawing pictures of her staring. I would have been such a fucking loser.

And instead I was a cool girl dinner plans. With dinner plans. Something to do. You weren't super available. Yum. Sorry. I thought either I hide it or I give it. I can tell by your facial reactions.

Listen, it was unexpected. Was I waiting for it? No. But did I embrace it as it happened? Yeah, I went. Okay, good, good, good. We have to take a break. We all know dating is exhausting.

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had dinner plan. A full crew with hazmat came in and absolutely changed the energy. Cleaned it up. Cleared out that burr. Okay, so then she came to meet me and Shauna's like a beautiful and like a, she's a wardrobe stylist.

She's now doing floral design. Ah. But she looked completely different and like a whole other person that I was equally attracted to. What do you mean she looked like a whole other person? I think she was wearing pretend glasses. So that'll do it. And then she also just had this like, she had kind of like tomboy vibe. Like I remember she was wearing like a bag that went across her body.

And she just like looked like just a whole other cutie. Okay. I she bought me a drink. I immediately spilled it on her. Then I said, can we sit down? Then I sat on her lap. And I just told her about my whole life and it was like asked about her family. And we kissed. And we kissed all night long. And then I had a college gig like in the middle of the country the next day. We kissed all the night away until my flight was boarding. We like talked in the phone through airport security, put it through there. And like that's been her ever since. Why did you sit on her lap? I don't know. Well, this is actually the interesting thing of all my judgment of like butches and femmes and dynamics. It's like, look at me, a tiny little girl sitting on my man with fake glasses left. So, you know, if you're a social scientist, comment below, am I hot or not?

Only if you're a social scientist. If you have any other job, please refrain from commenting. If you have any other job, you're free to comment just lovely compliments. If you have any other job other than social scientist. What is a social scientist? You know, Jeff Probst type. The host of Survivor? I don't know.

I mean, I guess that is kind of a social experience. Survivor, okay, would you ever go? on Survivor? Of course. I'll do anything for attention. Do you think you would do good? I think I think I'd be pretty good at the social aspect. I would not be good at challenges and I would not be helpful. Well, the social aspect is everything, isn't it? I think people would keep me around because I am not that good, but I'm not that bad. Yeah, isn't that the thing you're supposed to convince everyone you're not going to beat them in the end? Yes. But you are a good friend. Yes. I think we would both be great. I think we'd kill it.

Let's do double Survivor. Do you think you'd do Traders? I don't really know that show very well. Oh, it's fun. But I think I would do it, yeah. You just have to lie. Yeah. Be like, I'm not a traitor.

That's the whole thing? That's the whole thing. Yeah, I'm a faithful. I'm not a traitor. Do you want to know something? So before Traders, there was a show that they were shooting a pilot of that was based on that game of like some people here are the bads. Yeah.

And they did like. like a, I was in the, that was like a game show. We were like on a soundstage. And this actress who I will not name who she is, but she was immediately like looked at me and she was like, you're the bad. And I was like, and she was like rallying everyone who's like, I know she's the bad. I'm like, this thing has not even started. And guess what I said? You're a racist. Wait, I need to know who it is. I'll tell you after. You're going to forget. It's someone who is not... Write it down in your notes app and show me.

Okay. It's not that, obviously, you know, the show I'm describing is not attracting the most famous. It wasn't the lead of the show she was on. Okay. There was singing on the show she was on. I can't wait to know who this is. Barbara Streisand. Barbara Streisand.

No, she was like, it felt really bad. She was like immediately targeted me. I'm like, the game is not even started. Wait, it was really Barbara. Stryzan? No. Oh, write it in your notes app.

I will tell you. You're going to forget and I'm going to lose my... No, you know what? You're going to forget? What? To go home and watch mating season on Netflix.

I'll never forget it. I play Penelope. Okay? And is there fucking? Yeah. Yeah, there's fucking I fuck. Nick Kroll fucks. June and Diane Rayfield fucks.

She's so nice. She's so nice. He's so nice. Yeah. Nick Kroll's so nice. Everyone's so nice. Everyone in the show is nice. And that's why they get fucked.

If you enjoy shows like New Girl, what's the show about nobody wants this? Nobody wants this. If you like those shows, but you're like, why isn't there a fox fingering? Then you should watch mating season. A hog? You should watch mating season. Wait, you finger a hog? Who knows what I do?

You do. You have to click on it to find out. But I want to know here. I hook up with a lot of different animals. Was a hog one of them? Probably, yeah, I do believe, I do believe a little oinker. A hound as well. Oh.

Squirrel. Oh. Do you know something? Actually, do you want to know something? Yes. Okay. My dad was visiting. He was watching a video on his phone, you know, like on WhatsApp.

Sure. It was like a, like a, the scene was like a forest and there was like a man speaking in Urdu. And my dad's like laughing, laughing, laughing. And I said, Dad, what are you watching? watching. And the connection point, as I'm telling the story, the connection point is mating season. Yes. I feel like this is tied to the show. Sure. I have to burp again. Let it go. So, so he's watching the thing. I'm like, Dad translated and he's like, it's just a funny joke.

And I'm like, what is it? He says, what is it saying? It's like, two men every day going to pray. Every day they go to pray. You know how jokes have like a bunch of filler where it's like, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. And then the end of the joke, he goes, one day, a man says to the other man, let's go to pray, and they're praying. And a lady hummingbird comes to them. And he says, we don't have to pray anymore. And he starts laughing.

I'm like, what is this joke? And he's like, and I go, are they going to fuck the hummingbird? Or were they praying for the hot hummingbird? And he goes, I think. think so. I love that your dad was laughing at a joke that he didn't quite get. I think he got it. I think the subtext is like hummingbirds are hot.

They are kind of erotic. Like they move around. If you watch a hummingbird, the way the hummingbird moves is... They like kind of vibrate. It's from their pussy and their butt. Wait, really? Yeah, like before the body of the hummingbird moves, it's the pussy. I'll need a social scientist to confirm that.

Look, if you're a social scientist... Please confirm whether a hummingbird moves. bird moves from its pussy or its butt. And whether a hummingbird is hot or not. Who proposed to who? You or Shauna. Guys, come on. Just because we're lesbians doesn't mean we have, we don't have archetypes.

So you proposed? No, I'm not the butch. You're not? No, I'm kidding. No, of course I proposed. I also was weird about that, if you could imagine. No, I simply can't imagine you being weird about a proposal. Here's my advice about proposals.

Uh-huh. When you think about a proposal, if you're young like me, when I proposed to Shawna, I was in my mid-20s, okay? Okay. I was a fool because I thought the proposal is a magic trick. Okay. The whole point is like, it's magic, you know? Like you see the viral proposals. It's like, oh, my God.

It fell from the sky. It's like, oh, you had never expected it. Like, it's all about, like, shock. Yes. So I designed something that was very shock-based. What do you mean? design something that was shock. So first of all, my friend May, Martin, also really.

Very funny, very wonderful. Very talented. Okay. So May and I were going on. Did you say also good? My friend May, also good. I don't know why I'm really looking at my camera. Like, I'm like, I'm falling in love.

I was like, talented, funny, wonderful. Oh, so good. Hey, show, feel good. on Netflix mating season. Yes. Okay. So May, May's parents built this beautiful, like, out of a monastery in Greece, this beautiful villa. And we were going to visit.

May was proposing to their girlfriend at the time. And I used that as, like, the smoke and mirrors. I'm like, okay. I kept on, like, as the trip was approaching, I'm like, can you believe they're getting engaged? Like, that's crazy. I would never do that. I was doing like the opposite. I was like, I was really trying to throw up.

You were gas lighting. Yes, I was full gap. Before the term was even known, I was like, I just don't see myself doing something like that. Because I'm like, I'm going to surprise the shit out of her. So then I got these rings. I also got myself a ring too and her a ring. Okay. Both of us.

Cart before horse. I should get a tattoo, a cart, a horse. Sure. In that order. I, I'm like, okay. I'm going to have the magic trick of this is I brought fishing line. I'm going to put the rings on a bundle of grapes, pulled on the fishing line. Wait, what?

And then pull the grapes up to the grapevine. Okay? Okay. So the rings are living. I've got about $4,000 worth of rings sitting up in the grapevine. And Shauna gets the worst food poisoning, you can imagine. It's coming out of all. All of the ends.

All of the ends. It's not good. And it's not getting better. And so the point was, the whole idea was we have this like dinner booked in Annaparithia and this beautiful, like this old couple that's like you, it's just you at their house and they're cooking you food at the top of a mountain. And I'm like, I got to be engaged by the time of the dinner that we've done. But then I also have the rings up in the grapevine. Yes.

So May's already gotten engaged. I was supposed to do it at the same time. But my wife is shitting and puking. Yes. So I'm like waiting for her to. feel better. And finally she's like, I think I can get up. And I was like, perfect.

Bad. Okay. Not good timing, but I'm not timing based. I'm magic trick based. At this time, I am Houdini vibes. Okay. And I've already like cut the rings out and retied them a bunch of times. I'm like, it's time.

We got to do this before this dinner. And so I kind of like, kind of like, kind of like. She, like, hobbles out to the courtyard where the rings are. And the entire time I had only planned the magic trick. And I never planned, like, what I was going to say, like, had a transition out of, like, being like, we're never getting married to being like, I've thought about this. You know? So then, and everyone was, like, asking me as the day was approaching, they're like, are you going to be nervous to, like, propose to her? I'm like, no, dude, this shit's in the back.

And then as soon as she is like, oh. this sweet concave woman is like sitting below where the rings are. It hits me where I'm like, this is so vulnerable. And I'm so scared. And so she was laying on like a, what's this chair? Like a sun tanning chair. A lounger? A lounger.

She was on a lounger. And I kind of crawled up next to her. And I go, you love me, right? like all of my confidence disappears I'm like you swear you really love me right and she's like I am

dying one minute away from full dying I still taste puke in my mouth and she's like yeah are you okay and I'm like yeah hold on and then I go get the rock that was like kind of wading down the rings and I go

ta-da and she just sees these grapes sort of descend and she goes what's happening? And I go, will you marry me? And she goes, no. And I'm like, you're no? She's like, no, yeah, but yeah, but, oh.

And I'm like, yeah. And that's our proposal story. Sabrina, that's very, very funny. You were like, my magic trick cannot be foiled by food poisoning. I don't care that you're almost dying. I have rings in grapes that will descend. Look, the social scientist know exactly what was going on with me.

That is so funny. That probably actually is part of my personality problem. Your personality problem? Like if you're going to, like, what's your personality problem? I don't have one. Come on. Nobody has a personality problem. You just maybe aren't for some people.

I don't know. I think what I described is a bit of a problem now. Don't you think it's a bit of a problem? No. Come on. I think it's just part of who you are. If you could choose to catch my burp and magically have caught that part of me that would push through her food poisoning to be like, I'm locking in the... I, okay.

My personality problem... Burp it to me. Um, what? Like, maybe I talk too much. Maybe I'm not listening sometimes. Oh, okay. Here's my personality. problem. Yeah. I honestly like, like, it's not that I'm willfully misunderstanding something,

but if somebody tells me something that they're feeling, and I'm like, you shouldn't be feeling that, and I don't understand why. Like, I just really don't understand some. You don't sit with the pain of what they're trying to express. You're just like, that's not real, so just fix it. Kind of, yes. Yeah. And I think that might be a personality problem. But I don't know, descending grapes and wanting your proposal to be special, that's not a problem. Oh, thank you, Nicole. And you know what? These motherfuckers want to sit with their problems too long. Get to the next.

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Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. And we host the show, what's our podcast here on HeadGum.

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of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it. Are you in therapy? Yeah. Has your therapist ever said to you sometimes you need to sit with your feelings? Of course.

What does that mean to you? like take a deep breath and tell it to her slower. I always thought they meant they wanted you to physically sit down. And somebody said like, yeah, you know, sitting with your feelings where you like think about it and like, and like whatever. And I was like, huh. I just thought I meant to like sit and be like, okay. I bet we both have this problem. And the problem is we're too good at solving things.

We're just two to them good. And we skip the part where you got to be like, listen to Sarah McLaughlin's Adia. I don't know that song. You don't know. Well, you're obviously too straight. You don't know Sarah McLaughlin's adia. I don't identify as straight.

I identify as Nicole. Okay. Well, look, however you identify, if you want to be a lick, if you want to be a lick queer. Sing it. You're really pimping me to do things you can't air. 80, I do believe I failed you. I think we can have that.

I think we can air that. Come up. You took my son, it's how to. Oh, wait, I think I have heard it. Yeah. Why didn't you start with a chorus? I don't know. That would be the most, like, most friends of part.

I like to build to the beat. Build up to it. We'll make them want to. Do you freeze your eggs? No. You're not going to make kids? No. You want mine?

Yes. Okay, which one? Imagine I was like, yeah, give me one of your children. Wolfie has the better name. No, I'm kidding. Rowan's got a good name. You know what I call Rowan? I call him Roney baloney.

Rony baloney. Yeah. Do you mind talking a little bit about your fertility? Oh my God, of course. I'll talk about my miscarriage to anyone that'll listen. I walk around with a t-shirt that says, asked me about my miscarriage. I feel like people don't talk about miscarriage,

and I just am passionate about the name sucks. The term miscarriage makes it seem like you made a mistake. You made a mistake. Mist trial, miss fire. It's like I amelia Bidelia, the baby. Like I was like, oh, no, carry the baby. Shit. I mashed it through a sewer grade.

It's like, it's so, and then like just everything to do with it. You think Amelia Bidelia would misunderstand and carry a baby and then it's smash it through a sewer grate. You heard me. You do the animation for that. But, yeah, people don't talk about it. And it's so prevalent the later we wait to make babies, the more like that is potentially what could happen.

And it's not like this, it's both not this like pedestrian thing that I'm like, well, we should all just talk about it and laugh. It's just like, but ultimately, I feel like in not talking about it, people feel so alone. Yeah. And I have so many friends who currently are on fertility journeys. Yeah. And sometimes we'll be talking and it doesn't feel like they're withholding, but it's like I'm not going through it. They don't have another person going through it.

So they're just like, I don't actually know who I can talk to except for like my therapist or whatever. And there's like this thing where it's, I think like in the past, it's like, oh, if a witch tells you about her miscarriage, she curses your fertility journey. You know, it's like as if it's like talking about it makes it like you curses. you. But anyways, so we, so with Wolfie, we tossed the jizz and my wife, baby came out. With Rowan, it was like, okay, what if I do lesbian Grand Slam, which is taking your egg, taking the jizz, putting it in someone else's body, make it their problem. A surrogate. A surrogate, my wife. Making it their problem. Well, truly the gets better campaign should be free surrogate, if you're butch. So I'm so sorry. You put your e-s-sourgett. You put your

egg in my wife. First put embryo in your wife. First put embryos in my wife. We went to a clinic in Mexico and we were like, you're a good fertility clinic, right? And they're like, yes, for sure. And I was like, why are you winking? They're like, oh, just a little dust. Give me your money. And they basically threw all of our eggs off a cliff. Over the course of two years, it was like so sad, but it just, it was like, looking back, there was signs that they were not doing the right thing. Okay. They weren't literally throwing your eggs off a cliff. They might as well have been. I think they were putting them inside Shana's C-section scar instead of her pussy. And I know it doesn't go in the pussy, but they didn't know that.

They were putting it. So for a lack of better words, y'all just had a bad time. We just had a bad time flying to Mexico being like, we're making a baby while they were throwing eggs. Okay. And embryos off of course. So then I was like, maybe I need to get pregnant. Like maybe like this is the story. This is like what I should be learning.

It's like maybe that like I, this is like internalized homophobia. Like I should put jizz and me. And everyone in my life was like, do you have to? And I was like, it seems like I should. And people are like, do you? People don't really love a bitch lady getting pregnant. They don't like it. A bitch lady getting pregnant, it's like the rock telling his agent he wants to wear dresses.

They're like, I guess we should say you should or can, but do you have to? So I put the jizz in me. Yes. I've never had sex with a man. My uterus must have been like... What is this? Just who let the dogs out? I don't like this.

No, I love it. They start making a baby. I take out the little hammers. They're like... They were... Chisling the baby out? Yes. Right immediately.

Make a baby. I am pregnant. I'm like, oh, I'm pregnant. I am three and a half months pregnant. I go to a doctor. Doctor says, oh, there's no heartbeat. I, so sad. The very first thought that I had that I was like fixated on was like, I'm bringing the baby home, which I did.

Like after the DNC, I like brought, it was like in a juice pitcher. All Bloods is the listenership upping or downing? If you're a social scientist, you write in in the comments right now. Sabrina, I'm so sorry. It's awful, but it's... A juice pitcher? Yeah, they said, I said, I want to take the baby. home, they're like, here you go, and they gave it a juice jug.

But they, like, it, isn't it like, the baby's all, they think vacuum it out. Yes. So it's all, so then I was listening to Sarah McLaughlin's adia in my mind, he's saying out, why wasn't, why didn't they do better? I don't want to be insensitive, but like, why wasn't it, like, jarred? A takeout container? Or, like, I just, I just, you're saying, you're saying a pitcher and I want it to be uttered.

It's not covered. I buckled it into my kids' child seat. Sabrina, I don't know what's a bit and what's not a bit. It's all not a bit. What's a bit is just the way women are treated through the process of miscarrying and just like that there is no smoothness to it, that I could hear other people's like abortion. That's what it's called an abortion while I was waiting for mine

and that there wasn't a lot of bedside manner that like a nurse like chased me down as I was going to the elevator to be like, Miss Jalise. Miss Jalit, like super excited. Like, the only reason to have that energy in that moment was if you were like, Mr. Elise, the baby! It's alive! It's dancing on the cat.

Have you seen Ali McBeal, Miss Jalise? But no, this lady chases me down to be like, your co-pay. You have to pay your co-pay. Ugh. Anyways. So I buried the baby. And then as I'm burying this baby, the clinic calls me. And they go, hi, Mr. Elise.

I'm like, yeah. They go, we have the baby's hand. I'm like, is it holding your common sense? Why would you call me to tell me that? Like, I'm like, like, it's like, what? So I don't believe all abortion clinics should be shut down, but that one can go is what I say. That's a bit or no bit that one can go. It's so strange.

Like, do you think I'm going to drive back for the hand? I'm just trying to cobble together as much as I can to do a little ceremony in my yard. I'm like, yeah. But, oof, I mean, what I really want to say is for anybody that is in this area and in like kind of living under this umbrella of loss where you're like trying and not getting there and trying is that like what brought me solace was to say like, I'm going to get my baby. I'm going to get my baby. And it's like sometimes it's not going to be in a conventional way. Sure. It's not maybe it's like the way you think.

Yes. It's like a gift of being queer is that like from the offset, it's like as much as when we talked about like coming out and I'm like, oh, I guess I'm not going to have a family. It's like, no, the mindset shifts and you're like, I guess I'm going to be creative in the way that I acquire my family. And so there's like something about like now holding my two year old and like he's there that I just wish that I could go back to myself when I was like just feeling so shitty and be like it's going to happen. it's just going to happen. And luckily for us, it was like it ended up being another round of IVF. And my wife carried and Rowan came. But it's like the baby comes.

And once the baby's there, you're just like literally by any means necessary. Like I just look at Rowan and I'm like, you're a baby killer. You have to kill so many babies to get into this world. And I'm grateful you're here. And like, you know, Wolfie biologically is fully Shauna and our donor. And Rowan is biologically me. and donor, but like, you know, Sean and I often talk about how, like, unwaveringly, our love and investment and connection with both of our kids is so real and full.

And, like, that's, I guess, something that I'm, like, passionate about telling people that are in the place that I know so well where you're like, fuck, is this fucking going to happen? is like it will. If you want it, it will, and you will get your baby. And when you hold your baby, there will be like absolutely no. It will be unshakable how much you love your baby, no matter how creative you had to go along the way. Babies. I should share that I am sponsored by babies.

You are being paid by Big Baby? Yeah, I have a sponsorship deal with Big Baby. And if I get extra babies being born, I get paid commission. commission-based with babies. How much for baby? 20 bucks. That's nice. It is. That's nice. Think about how many babies are born. So many. You've got to come visit my pool. It's full of babies. Full of babies. It's full of sunny D pitchers just being emptied up. I am. Do you, yes, do you have a problem advice for single people? Oh my God, of course I have advice for single people. What is it? Dance like no one's watching, bitch.

That's it? No. My advice for single people, you know what? You are way ahead of so many people that are in partnerships that suck. The society is totally framed to make you believe that, like, you're fucked up, you can't negotiate or compromise. But you know what? Fuck that.

Look around. Talk to your friends who are married. There are a lot of unhappy people. You get to watch what you want to watch, eat what you want to eat, go to where you want to go, go on vacations with who you want to go with. Do you know how many people I know that are like, I've got to take a vacation with my fucking husband? It's like, that's not you. So, congratulations. You're single.

You're ahead of the game. And if you want to find someone that you connect with, just be real with yourself about how you feel. Check it with your intuition. Am I feeling good about this person or am I forcing it? And single people that are women or have eggies? Let me tell you one thing. Freeze those shits. Freeze those shits.

Freeze those eggies with some jizz. It'll be even stronger. Make some embryos. Put that in the bank and live like men do. The social scientists will agree. Men, you know, it started with the boner and there's that. But there's also just the fact that, like, Al Pacino can go get nine women pregnant and continue on to go celebrate his 95th birthday next year. You know what they've learned?

What? Old Jizz is not necessarily good Jiz. Yeah, but is that stopping a 25-year-old model from getting a paycheck from Al Pacino for the rest of her life? I guess not. It's like, what's your job? I've got this old Jiz baby that I take care of. This old Jiz baby.

Pretty good tax-free payments every month. How does it affect the babies? So, you know, sometimes, or not sometimes, I used to say that older women, you had more risk of birth defects. Yeah. It's the sperm. It's old sperm that is causing birth defects.

Yeah. Because the jig is up. The jig is up. The jizz is up. They just didn't do studies with old sperm. Do you know what I mean? Of course. Of course.

How can we blame the ladies more? Ladies are the problem. Yeah. You said when you're single you get to eat what you want. What is something you would eat if you were single? Oh, I can eat what I want. But actually, no, I can't, you know, I can't eat. And if you want to...

Say a prayer for me. That's anyone's religious out there. I don't know why I did this say a prayer, but here we are. Say a prayer. All now on our knees. Madonna's back. Confessions on the dance floor too. I'm excited. I can't eat farmed fish. Oh. Even though I like farmed fish. I like farmed salmon. I like how thick it is. My wife says wildfish only. Oh. I can't eat red meat too much because my wife says not good. She's. tinkering with the system a little. Interesting. So I can't. If I'm making eggs for both of us,

I got to make him scrambled because she doesn't like the yolk and the white separate. Mmm. But scrambled eggs are good. They are, but don't you ever want a little... Never in my home. Really? That's for the restaurant to do.

Really? Yeah. No way. Over easy? Yeah, I can't do it. It's easy. It's in the name. It's for the restaurant.

Okay. That's a treat for outside. Yeah, if I could eat anything, I mean, I guess, yeah, those are the, those are the limitations at my house. Fair. Yeah, how about you? What do you like? I like Fritos and vanilla ice cream. On top? Yes.

We've reached the end. No. No! Don't take me out of here. Here's a question. Yeah. Are you still gassy? I think I, honestly, I have a masseuse in my life.

that says when you're burping, you're like letting it all out. Oh. And I think you were my shaman today. Yes. You got all my gas out. Yes. I led the way. Well, it would be funny if the whole way me walking out was just one long fart.

I wouldn't mind. It would be very funny to me. But you wouldn't catch a fart. Might catch a fart, but it would have to be a loud fart. I don't want a silent fart. I want to know because you know. I want to hear the cheeks flap. Here's another question.

Yeah. Would you date me? I've told you once. I've told you twice. And I'll tell you again. Tell me a third time, Daddy. I already think we're dating. Yes. I want you to string up some rings in a fruit tree for me. In a fruit tree. Sabrina, I just, I don't want to like assume anything, but I feel like you have something you want to promote. Oh, I want to promote mating season. It's out on Netflix. I play a horny fox. And look, right now,

I play a woman that's horny for you to watch mating season. So go ahead and tickle me and I'll tickle you back. Social scientists, you know what to do. We didn't touch on some stuff that's in the notes. Like you started doing stand-up when you were 16. A lot of your stand-up was informed by 9-11. Oh, my God. That's not necessarily.

That's chat GPT. I don't know. A lot of my stand-up was informed. by 9-11. Is that real? Tower 2. Well, I'm glad we didn't get into it. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, follow it, rate it five stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me Podcasts at gmail.com, I'll read it.

My contact has fallen out, so I got to. Dear Nicole, I'll drive you to Tijuana and take you to Applebee's where the Apple Chimmy Cheesecakes is. available? I saw it on the menu April 9th, 2026. I guess I have to fucking go to Tijuana. This is my favorite fucking dessert I've ever had in my whole life. Also, I'd eat your pussy. I had to throw that in there so it qualifies a dirty message rather than just a PSA. Love the podcast. Pablo! Pablo! Escobar? Eating that dessert and getting eaten out by Pablo Escobar? Nicole, your year is going to be fantastic. Oh, I want to do that. Thank you. See, this is another toe.

This is not queer culture. No? This is for straight. Goodbye. Bye, guys. That was a Headgum podcast. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to F***. Coming to F***. That's what it is. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Jeff Tremaine. Welcome to Jackass the Podcast. A new show now on HeadGum. I've learned a jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes.

Every minute over is a minute to roll. Apparently, there's only so much butthole you can take. We're going to take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best bits, bad behavior, and even worse decisions. All of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions, Jeff. I've noticed that every so often. With guests like Spike Jones.

I think this committed Jackass the podcast. What was it going to be called? The Jackass podcast. The Jackass podcast. Jackass podcast. Without you, the IQ drops significantly. Steve-O. There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass

that I would be in cloud makeup right this fucking minute. Chris Pontius. That shot of your butt just cruising up. I'm like, I got that on TV. God bless us. Dave England. Yeah, when you come in and you're being really nice, I'm like, damn it, something bad's going to happen to me.

Wee man. Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head. And threw a punch. The whole bar just stopped and wanted to kill me. And some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning. I had to share a room with this guy. I left a nice surprise in the toilet form. Every time.

Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts. Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday. Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and TikTok at Jackass the podcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different. guest stars and writers and casting directors.

Are we gonna cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we gonna laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.