Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Crying Boys (w/ Laci Mosley)

Episode Date: October 4, 2019

"All I want is a dick that is also a coat rack." Laci Mosley (Florida Girls, Scam Goddess podcast) discusses reckless driving, which dating app has the cutest guys, and how she injured her clit masturbating. Plus, Nicole educates how to schedule a dick appointment. You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you took me on a trip to Vegas and left me and I had to find my own way back, I would pretend like nothing happened. back, I would pretend like nothing happened. What an awful thing. It's called desperation. My guest today, you know her from Florida Girls. She's got her own podcast on Earwolf called Scam Goddess. It is Lacey Mosley. And she also performs at the UCB Theater. She's very funny. Lacey Mosley. Hi. I love that you make your own music. It's very good. Thank you so much.

How are you? I'm good. I'm a little frazzled. Fair. Yeah, I came here, I went to the wrong location first because Nicole has 30 million podcasts. So I was like, this is not the right studio. Oopsie-daisy. It's fine.

And I hate being late, even though I'm a person who's constantly tardy. It really stresses me out. It stresses me out. It used to stress me out. But whenever I'm late now, I'm like, well, you made the bed. Lie in it. You're right. Last week had a meeting in Beverly Hills at 11, and I said to myself the night before, wake up at 9 so you can leave at 10.

So you have 15 minutes to spare. Woke up at 10, sat on the edge of my bed and started to cry and then was like, what are you doing? That's taking up more time. Get dressed and leave. Having this emotional moment. Like, no, I need 15 minutes for this emotional moment now. So I just was very fast, hurrying around my house and stopping every couple moments to well up with tears.

It was insane. But I get it. Being late, it's not fun. No. You feel like an asshole. And in a lot of ways you are because it's like you're wasting somebody's time. And so I try not to do that unless it's like a strategic business tactic. And I need you to know that I wear the pants. And that is insane. But it is a thing. Oh, it's like a strategic business tactic and I need you to know that I wear the pants.

And that is insane, but it is a thing. Oh, it's a thing. Whenever I have a car taking me somewhere, I like to be late because you're working for me. No, I'm kidding. I like to watch him sit outside. I know he's there. No, that's happened to me, but not intentionally. I had to hide from a car once because I didn't want my producers to know that I had just

gotten to my apartment and I was not dressed. And the car was right out front. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, sometimes you have to hide from it because they'll be nosy. Yeah, for sure. They'll be looking in your windows and you're like, oh, I see you. They report back, too, or at least ETAs sometimes. Yes.

So I was like, I don't want anybody freaking out about the fact that I'm not dressed because I know I can get dressed in seven minutes. They love to tattle on you. I'm like a reckless, reckless driver. Like I truly should not have a license. No one should let me operate motor vehicles. I will. This is so fucked up. I'm going to say it though.

Say it. I will run red lights. I will honk at people so that they know I'm about to do some dangerous shit I use my honk sign as a warning I would love to be in my car and be like why is someone honking at me and then watch you fly through red light and go oh she was warning me she was going to kill me I would do it where there's like minor traffic like if there's somewhere where there's only one side that can go or something like that, and I don't see any other cars coming, I call it 18th century horse and buggy rules.

You know what I mean? Back in the day, the horse and buggy, if your buggy was, you know, you pull up. If your horse was going too fast, you weren't going to stop, so you just go, I'm going. Exactly. I'm sure that happened a lot. Because unlike a car, a horse just doesn't immediately stop. No. Late at night, I will just go.

I'll stop at a red light, but if there is zero people there, I'll look both ways and I'll just go. Yeah. And there are traffic cams some places, but it's only in really expensive neighborhoods. Everywhere else, they don't know. I should not advise this. Don't do this, guys. It's only in really expensive neighborhoods. Everywhere else, they don't know. I should not advise this. Don't do this, guys. It's bad. It's horrible.

I don't know if I talked about this on my podcast, but I got pulled over recently. Mars, you'll tell me if I told this story. Did I tell about smoking a cigarette? Okay. So I was smoking a cigarette. I don't have plates on my car. I've had dealer plates on my car for about four years. Yo, I used to ride like that, too. Oh, my God. We have so much in common. Well, I have the plates on my car for about four years. Yo, I used to ride like that too.

Oh my God. We have so much in common. Well, I have the plates in my car. I'm just choosing not to put them on. So I was smoking a cigarette. I get pulled over and I was looking for my license and registration and everything. I was like, I can't be smoking a cigarette when this cop comes. I don't want to blow smoke in his face.

So I flicked it out the window and I hear, excuse me. And he's standing there and my cigarettes on his foot. And I was like, oh, no. And then he shook it off and he said, why did you throw your cigarette out of the car? And I said, oh, I didn't want to like blow smoke in your face. That's like the worst thing to do in California, though. And he goes, so do you have an ashtray in your car I said yes I do he said may I see it so I showed it to him he goes it's not dirty I said no he goes

do you not put out cigarette butts in your ashtray I go no that's gross why would I want that in my car oh my god he straight up law and order SVU'd you yes he was like yeah he was like dum dum I'm putting chew and chew together. There's no ash in your car. So then he says, so why would we want it outside of your car? And I said, that's a good question. Then he said, get out of the car and pick up the cigarette butt. And I said, no, thank you.

He goes, excuse me? I said, no, thank you. I see what cops do to people. And he goes, what are you insinuating? I was like, I don't want to die today. He goes, what is wrong with you? I said, I don't know. And he was like, I don't want to give you a ticket for this.

I said, how much is it? He said, you don't want to know. And I said, I'll take the ticket. He goes, pick up the cigarette butt. And I said, please don't hurt me. So I opened the door, lean out of the car. I didn't get fully out, but I just was leaning and trying to feel where it was because the door was in the way. And then he was like, just get out out of the car so I get out of the car I pick up the

cigarette butt get back in the car he goes license I give him my license he goes registration I said oh I don't have that he goes where is it I said oh it's on my desk at home he said why is it there and I said that's a good question then he goes where's your insurance I said oh that's in the same place my registration is. And he was like, ma'am, what is wrong with you? I feel like I also have a gun. I have a gun. And a kilo of cocaine.

And so much vodka in my backseat. And I have heroin. Black tar, the best. He truly, really hated me. I mean, he didn't want to do any work, though, it seems like, because he didn't want to write you a ticket. No, but he did end up writing me a ticket. He wrote it for not having a license plate. And he said, please get that fixed.

And I said, I will. And then I waited for him to drive off. And then he pulled up next to me. He's like, you're not going to drive off. And I said, what is? OK, I will. And I don't know why he wanted me to drive off before him, but it was very stupid. It's weird cop chicken.

They want you to drive off first. I don't know why. I mean, you drive off so nervously, so I don't even know why the fuck they want to. I've been pulled over many, many times because I exhibit, I've been pulled over for drunk driving so many times, and I was sober every time. I've always been sober,

and they've been like, wow, you just drive like this? They're like, man, we just saw you take a left-hand turn from the right-hand lane that's four lanes over what's wrong with you I've literally I've been I've done field sobriety tests and they're like wow you just this is how you drive sober what in a field sobriety test I've never had one that I remember. What? I have a DUI, had a DUI, but I was not driving. You weren't driving. I know that story. You weren't driving, so it's not

terrible. In fact, you were doing the right thing. You weren't on the road. I was trying. Just taking a little nap. And then some passerby said she cannot like that. But what do they do during a field sobriety test? I think that the one that I had, the guy made up, I'm pretty sure. Cops just be fucking with you.

And I'll just be like, there's only been one time where I like cursed out a cop and I will relish it for the rest of my life because I'm from Texas and they're so fucked up and we get profiled so much. I'm black if you can't hear that through the radio. Lacey is black. I am a black, a member of the blacks. And I also say I am a black. I'm a card carrying member of the blacks. I am a black. A member of the blacks. And. I also say I am a black. I'm a card carrying member of the blacks. I am a black. Yeah, because they might take it away from us, guys.

Cancel culture is for everybody, okay? But listen, if Don Lemon can come back and be Don Lemon Pepper, we can come back too. Don Lemon Pepper! Don Lemon is so black now. That's very funny. So, I get pulled over. And this is when I first moved to L.A. And I was doing like a cater waiter job.

And you know how downtown there's like these fucking six lane one ways and shit. I'm not used to that. And you know, it's horse and buggy time. It's like 2 a.m. I'm just getting off a job. Definitely not looking that hard at street signs. I pull into an all one way and I'm going the opposite way. And I don't know because there's no cars on the road, and there's no cars parked.

And so I'm just like, this seems right. And this motorcycle pulls me over. He goes, ma'am, have you been drinking? And I got really scared because I was at a caterer gig, and we did have like a glass of wine or something at the end. But like I was sober. So I was like, I'm fine to drive. I'm pretty sure.

So I was like, but I'm still scared because I'm like, oh, no. Like, I don't know what.08 is. I'm short. How tall am I? I'm trying to figure out how tall I am. Like, how much body fat I got? I'm like grabbing my thighs. I'm like, I'm thick.

It's probably on me. So I was worried. And then he was like, all right, miss, blow on my hand. Blow on my hand. And what, he was going to smell it? And then it smells like booze? Honestly, I think it was one of those things of like, he wanted to see how I reacted to see if he was going to have to call back up because he was on a motorcycle and they can't

do shit. So he didn't have all his equipment? No, because he didn't have a car. He's on a motorcycle. And I think he was like, let me see if I need to call for backup and waste my damn time. Did you blow on this man's hand? Hell yeah, I blew on his hand. And so fast, too.

I took no time to think about it. I was like, do you like that? Do you like it when I blow on his hand. And so fast, too. I took no time to think about it. I was like, do you like that? Do you like it when I blow like that? Next time I hit his finger was in my mouth. I was like, I don't want to run my finger in your mouth. No. It didn't go that far. But he did have me blow on his hand.

That's wild. I had a friend, a very pretty friend, also very funny. We were driving. We had just left a party. And we got picked to go through a dui stop and she i was like you should tell him you had like a cocktail because it might be on your breath he was like have you had any drinks today she was like no i was like all right then he let us go and there was a full-blown stop sign at the end of the dui checkpoint and she goes do i have

to stop here i said it's a stop sign. Yes. And then she blew through it. And then I was like, they're going to come get us. But nobody came and got us. Nobody fucking cares. You have to be really drunk, I think, for them to take you in. There was one when I was picking my friend up from the airport. And they were profiling people for sure. It was like at night. I think it was like July 4th weekend, which is my birthday weekend.

My birthday is July 4th. So always. Oh, y'all. You was like at night. I think it was like July 4th weekend, which is my birthday weekend. My birthday is July 4th. So always. Oh, y'all, you are America and freedom. So I'm always like ready to turn up around that time. But I'm like in like this raggedy ass outfit. Like I'm going to pick her up from the airport.

I'm not getting out of the car. Like I got a bonnet on and they profiled me. They were basically like, you too cute to be drunk. That's, that's basically where, not too cute, not cute enough to be drunk. You were not cute enough to be drunk. You were in where, not too cute, not cute enough to be drunk.

You were not cute enough to be drunk. You were in a bonnet. You weren't drinking anywhere. You don't know how I turn up. You don't know that. I could have had some mini vodka bottles in this car. You're not even going to try. They just let me go.

But yeah. I just did a show in San Diego where I did a meet and greet. And this woman had two, four, six mini bottles of booze in her bra and a fan. And she just kept pulling them out. And it made me laugh so hard. And then the security was like, damn, I guess we got to really pat people down. I was like, well, I mean, she wasn't drinking them. You don't have to pat people down.

This is a one out of every couple thousand people who's bringing liquor in their titties to people. And also, if they're bringing it in their titties, they deserve. That's like if you smoke something to your asshole. You deserve to have that thing. You deserve it. Yeah. I remember I, oh my God, my dumb ass friends. When we were in college, we would come to LA to party and shit.

And we went to Maine America in LA. And we were being cheap and trying to bring our own alcohol so we had gotten those sunscreen masks offline. Okay, so I'm the only one with any damn sense. Like my friends, like some of them are just like insanely beautiful. Like we would just go on trips

from like athletes and shit who were just like Richard Sherman wants us to be at this hotel. Here we are. Like it was a whole life that I can barely remember. So they were just beautiful. Just, like, in this way that... And also light-skinned. You know how light-skinned blacks are.

Like, they're truly, like, delusional in a way. The privileged of the black people. The privileged of the blacks. And they're so delusional about it. Because every time we talk about dark-skinned struggles, they be online like, Well, listen, somebody told me... I have my black love, they be online like, well, listen, somebody told me. They be like, somebody told me that my 30-inch hair that's definitely all mine was too curly.

And now I feel strung up. Like, get out of here. So they definitely lived their lives like, or they still do. Like, everything just kind of floats into the direction. And that's fine. But when we were going to the Made America concert, we had these flasks. And they were huge sunscreen flasks. And I was like, yo, we should pack two, freeze them.

We're not going to be able to take more than two. There's five of us. And they're like, no, like, I'm just going to put it in my purse. Like, I'll be fine. Like, whoever's trying to pat me down, like, it'll be fine. I was like, bitch, we're black. What do we look like having five large sunscreens? We don't need.

No, first of all, niggas don't even wear sunscreen like that. We don't need sunscreen. So we already tried to show them we woke with two. Now five, they're definitely going to get the smell in that Hennessy. So how many did you end up bringing? Mine got in and my other friend JoJo's. And we were both dark skinned. But you hid yours.

Yes. Well, we all hid ours. They hid theirs in their purses, too. It was just we hid it in the purses because they weren't really going through stuff. So we put stuff on top and then the sunscreen at the bottom. But they were just dumb because I was like, also, we're all going to go end up in lots of the same lines. You think they're going to let you in with the same sunscreen that I have? It was so stupid.

I love it. Lacey, can I ask you a question? Yeah. Are you single, dating, married, divorced, having an affair, or abstaining from people? Those are so many fun choices, and I wish that I was so many of them. I'm single, but I'm not abstaining from people. Okay. But I might accidentally be abstaining from people.

Are you on the apps? I am. Right now, okay, so I used to be on Raya, but I hate Raya. I think it's super racist. Same. I think that the standards for the women are insane insane and the standards for the men are insanely low. They're so low. I was like, I gotta be a bad bitch with credits and then I

gotta look like how you want me to look and then on top of that, all I'ma see is Equinox trainers? Like, I ain't seen Ben Affleck on Raya. That means it's a little racist level. I must be at the bottom. They got other levels because I ain't never seen Ben. Wait, is Ben Affleck on Raya? Sometimes he be getting on Raya. Really?

That's what I heard on E! News. That's what I heard on E! News. I also think Raya is racist. It's awful. So what are you on? Are you on Tinder? I am not on Tinder because I'm scared of Tinder. It just feels too like y'all trying to pull up at my house because of the mileage

and stuff. I might get to that point though. So you would hate Grindr. Do you know Grindr? Yes. Grindr literally tells you by the foot where somebody is. Yes. My friends have showed it to me. I love it.

My friend Mateo has a very funny joke where they're like, it's coming with inside the house. Anyway, so are you on Bumble? So I used to be on Bumble, but they were trying to make a bitch do too much work. Like, why I got to come up with a clever phrase every time I want to talk to you? This is too much. Also, Bumble will tell you if your intro line isn't good enough.

They'll be like, are you sure you want to send that? I'm like, shut up, Bumble. Yes. I started sending GIFs to people and they would be like, are you sure you want to send that? I was like, yes, I do want to send this GIF of NeNe Leakes. Now leave me alone. Leave me be. Are you on Hinge? I am on

Hinge. That's where I started to see the lookers. I was like, okay, there's some cuties on Hinge. This is viable. But then I'm also seeing dudes that I used to talk to and Hinge keeps telling me I'm super compatible with them and I'm like, I know. I already talked to them.

I feel like when new apps come, that's where the pretty, the nice men go. Yeah. And they just flock to this new one because Hinge is still relatively new. And I keep finding very cute boys on there. Cute guys who seem normal. I met up with one. Okay.

And went on a date. And it was definitely like, he did something so fucked up to me on this date. What did he do? My parents think I'm crazy to think that this is fucked up but I think it's super fucked up and I immediately cancelled him like on the date I deleted him and all his information. Wait what happened? So he I was dieting

at the time and I was just having sashimi I was just trying to stay away from the carbs and we're at a sushi place. He picked the sushi place. Okay. I used to work in like high end sushi places so I'm very much a sushi snob. So immediately I was like, I don't like this. But, you know, I'll go with the safe stuff. It wasn't a dive.

It, like, you know, it just wasn't nice. And it's fine. I get it. You're probably going on, like, 50 love and hinge dates a week. Like, you can't be giving every bitch, like, the five-star treatment. Whatever. So we go. I tell him I'm on this diet.

I'm just going to eat sashimi, which is just sushi without rice. So it's just raw fish and like literally nothing else. And they give you like six pieces per plate. He, every time I look at something

on the menu, first of all, he starts looking around and be like, oh, where's that on the menu? I was like, bitch, you pick this restaurant. You should know how much

everything costs in this hoe. That's what smart men do. You should have gotten it. You look like this is very affordable looking up in here, first of all. And second of all, like, these plates are, like, the most expensive plate here is, like, $12, $14, bro. Like, if I get three $8 plates, you going to be good? You going to make it home? Like, so I was already annoyed because I was like, why are you, like, looking around?

He was trying to make it like he was interested in the menu. But I was like, you looking for them prices. Ah, interesting. I've never thought of that. Whenever someone's like like where is that on the menu when they're paying where does that mean how much that cost how much is that right I would rather you just come out and say it I'd probably laugh but so I pick out two shishimi plates we're drinking water honey so you know $16 for my meal. Okay. He gets a big roll. And then when his food, when our food comes out, my food is like way, way less than his. And so he was like, oh, can I try yours?

And I was like, yeah, sure. Because he's like, I haven't tried that sashimi before. I was like, yeah, absolutely. This bitch proceeds to eat half of both of my plates of food. And then his own roll. It took everything in me not to grab them chopsticks and just go for his aorta. I don't think you're crazy. That was insane.

I think that is real wild to really like nickel and dime you, be like, what are you ordering again? And then to eat half of your food. That's rude. And I was hungry and I was like, what are you ordering again? And then to eat half of your food. That's rude. And I was hungry and I was like, I have money. I could just buy my food right now. But then I was like, it's the principle it is. I do think it's the principle of the matter. And I was like, I'm not going to order nothing else.

I'm going to get something when I get home. But I'm mad. I'm mad. And he was just so oblivious to this. And my parents were like, no, Lacey, you have to understand how men work. Like, you should have just told him to stop eating your food. Like, you got to communicate. Y'all got the bar way too low.

Yes. If I go on a date with someone, I'm not going to eat half of their food. Like, what? You can't do that. I don't know you like that. You know, once you're, you know, in it to win it, then it's like, eat however much of your significant other's food that you want. My parents said I'm playing a mind game and that if I ever want to meet a man, I need to start being more upfront with them. They were like, that's your deal breaker.

He ate half of her sushi. I was like, first of all, I was, you know, you go out with somebody, you're like, this person just going to be able to tell this story one day that we went out. But you're like, I can't be with this man. It was one of those already. I was just like. Yeah. Also, I think maybe you didn't like him. And then that just added to it.

And you're like, ah, this will be the reason. Because I do that all the time. I'm like, ugh, I don't like this person. And I'm like looking and searching for a way to be like and here's the reason why right you're right because if you're really into the person they can look you hit you with their car you'd be like I mean I mean he didn't see me it was night time and I did just you know dance in the street right and I lived through it and he came with me to the hospital which was so supportive he didn't say sorry but like did he have You're right. We have to take a break.

And we're back. Okay. So what is the last date that you went on? The last date that I went on. Oh, I was seeing somebody casually. So we were going on dates for a little bit. For how long? Three months. That's a good chunk of time. Yeah.

Who broke up with who? Me. But I would say it was amicable only because I was like, this ain't gonna go nowhere. Like, I knew when I met the guy I wasn't gonna marry him. And for me, it's like, okay, but you know what? What is some consistent dick and companionship? You know what I mean?

Like, we do a lot of fun shit together. We do a lot of Molly. I don't know why. Like, were you going out and doing Molly or doing Molly at the house? No, not at the house. Not at the house. Then we're addicts. Then I'm just, like, in a drug den with someone.

No, that's a whole different kind of relationship. No, no, no, no. It was fun in appropriate times. It only happened twice, but still. That's a lot for me. I don't know. Molly's fun. It was fun in appropriate times. It only happened twice, but still. That's a lot for me. I don't know. Molly's fun. It is fun.

I love Molly. So, I basically, he told me, he was divorced, and he told me he wasn't going to be ready for a relationship, like, the day I met him. Damn. He, like, asked me on a date and was like, I can't be in a relationship that night when we were, like, not even on the date. We were just, like, dancing and hanging out. And it was, like, he he was it was too much he um he but he was like so sweet and like

such a good person and sometimes he would cry and nothing makes me harder than a guy silently crying wait why would he cry was this like when you guys were talking? Were you being intimate? What do you mean he was crying? Yeah, it was like maybe we were cuddling and talking and maybe we had just had sex and he wanted to just talk about his life and how he feels. And you're okay with the dude just crying? It's a weird thing. I don't know what to do. I'm all for men crying.

If anyone cries in front of me, I don't know what to do. I kind of pat them and I'm like, I don't feel better. I don't know what to do when people cry. So you're just like patting them, but like so far away, your arms are like extended and you're just like patting them. I'm like, suck it up. Suck the tears back up in you. Like if you just tilt your head up, the tears will actually go back in your eye. They'll go right back up in your eyeballs and then we don't have to deal with this.

Even when we like broke it off, it was like, you know, there was crying. From both of you or from him? Well, he was crying and then I kind of felt like obligated to cry a little bit. So like towards the end, I like let like a little cry happen. But it wasn't, I didn't really need to or really want to. But I was like, I'm an insane narcissist. No wonder I'm a fucking actor. Like why am I over here trying to like. really need to or really want to but i was like i was like i'm an insane narcissist no reason no wonder i'm a fucking actor like why am i over here trying to like i will get my oscar for this thing

that is not being recorded i will cry i'm the meryl streep of being broken up with or breaking up with somebody right i've only cried in front of a dude once but it wasn't even in front we were on the phone and i like felt the tears and i was like oh um I have to I can't talk to you goodbye he was like I get it and I was like great uh yeah I don't I'm not a crier in front of people what's your sign I'm a Virgo oh it's Virgo season now I do love Virgos I love Virgos um I don't really I could see you not being like overly emotional. Yeah, I would assume it's because I've had a lot of tragedy early in my life and I've just learned how to bury it or like put a strong face forward. Right. The black woman way.

Yes. A strong black woman. I also, I guess I'm like, that's not for you. It's for me. I'd rather cry alone. Right. I get that. I get that. I get that.

Are you looking for a relationship, a fuck buddy ship? What is Lacey looking for? I used to think, like, I'm looking for like a temporary relationship. Okay. One where we can both go to the STD clinic and like know our status and then just like fuck and eat out and have fun. And I'm just like, fuck, and eat out, and have fun. But, like, I thought I was like, okay, my family is now getting to the point where they're, like, pressuring me. Which is weird, because I have had a family my entire life that was like, Lacey, don't get a fucking man. Don't get pregnant.

Go out here. Get this bread. Fuck these niggas. You know, hoe is life. Hoe is life. Your mom and dad are like, hoe is life. My mom legit. Hoe is life.

My mom, like, didn't say hoe is life, but, like, lowest of key, be saying how is life. Like, when I ended up with this guy, she was like, well, damn. She was like, would y'all have sex? And I was like, yes, mom, I'm an adult. She was like, well, what you doing it right? What was you doing in there? And I was like, Lori, get off the phone. I'm not talking to you about my sex.

I know how to do sex good. I love that your mother was worried that you were not having sex correctly. Your mom sounds like a blast. She's very fun. Probably too much fun. Ho is life. Ho is life. They see ho is life. So now they're like, okay, but you really don't got no man, though? No, I really, okay. You can bring a woman home. It's okay.

Like, we know you by, we heard that podcast. I'm like, we know you're fine. We heard that podcast. I wish that was not a statement that they'd said, but it is. That's so funny. Yeah,

my sister's learned so much about me by listening to podcasts. And anytime I go home, she'll be like, so, you've dated women? I'm like,

yeah, Catherine, I do. Women? I do whatever, whenever. And she's like, oh,

okay. My sister's a very gentle soul who is so quiet and sweet. Yeah, the same thing has started to happen. And also because, like, fucking whack out, not whack, but, like, articles, like, will come out about you. And they'll fucking go deep dive on your shit and then be like, she recently came out as bi. And I'm like, what? Okay, first of all, I didn't make no press release. It was on my podcast.

I was talking about Tessa Thompson. Well, Tessa Thompson is gorgeous. She's so pretty in a way that I'm like, how does that feel? But it's also a masculine kind of like. She looks like she would top you real good. I was like, whoo. Good job, Janelle. I agree.

I don't know if they're still together. Ooh, I hope. I read an article that maybe they've broken agree. I don't know if they're still together. Ooh, I hope. I read an article that maybe they've broken up. I don't know. It's hard to keep up with all the celebrity. It is. I have a dick appointment tonight, and I'm really excited about it. Yes, sis.

I haven't been able to get one. All my dick is out of commission. Tinder. So this dude liked a couple of my pictures and was like, hey. And I was like, hey. So that was in April. And then Saturday he hit me up again and was like, what are you doing tonight? I said, oh, I have plans.

Then the next day he said, what about tonight? And I said, well, I have to be up early. Then he said, take my number. I said, all right. And, oh, also, I was like, are you trying to fuck? I said that pretty early in the conversation. He said, yes. So then we started texting, and he said, well, you were pretty forward about what you want.

So how do you go about doing this? And I was like, how do I go about fucking? He said, yes. I said, well, we could go out for a drink, or I could just come to your house. And he said, oh, OK, good to know. All right. I was like, OK. Oh, I like him. He seems like he's not really out here doing this a I could just come to your house. And he said, oh, okay, good to know. All right. I was like, okay. Oh, I like him.

He seems like he's not really out here doing this a lot. Yes, I like that. And then it was nice that he asked me how I go about doing that to make me feel comfortable. Because I like that he asked and didn't just assume or wasn't like, come to my house. Yeah, it's 2019. Like, man, ask a fucking question. Yes, ask me some questions. And then he's been texting and that's been very sweet.

So tonight at 10 p.m., think fondly of your girl, because she'll be knee-deep in some dick. I love that I'm going to know that you're fucking at 10 p.m. I'm going to think about it. I'm going to think about it tonight. And honestly, it's probably the most excitement I've had all weekend. I'm so excited. I've been so horny. It's been

very hard to get a dick. I had to buy a vibrator, which I normally don't have a vibrator because I think it just gets to the point too fast and I can't enjoy the ride. I feel like I'm zapping my clit and it's like, I'm like, woo, alright, it's over. What kind of vibrator did you get?

I got a very entry-level, basic, just kind of vibratability one. Okay, those are nice. With some speeds. It's got speeds on it. Yeah, but I had to do it because I injured my clit masturbating. How did you injure your clit? I have really long nails.

And it's crazy because I was, like, somewhere in this conversation came came up and they're like, how do you do stuff with your nails? I was like, I do everything y'all do. I just do it and I look richer. I don't have to do things with my hands. You just look richer. So I was just going to town and I got a little stoned and that kind of makes it hard for me. Like it slows the whole process down. So I was just really going to town.

I think I was a little high. I didn't really realize. So my nail, I think, was curved over and, yeah, just, like, injured it. Yeah, it was sore for a couple days. And I was like, oh, can't keep doing that. Oof. I bruised my cervix, like, three nights ago. Because, okay, I've discovered, I went through a whole journey where I learned how to ride

and I was like, I think I like that entry point. I think that's good for me. So I bought this dome pillow with a hole in it that you put a dildo in. I bought a nine inch dildo because I was truly, I was like, I love a big dick, so I'm gonna get a big old dildo. And I didn't realize that laying down it's easier to

take a dick than it is to ride the dick yeah so I was riding it felt very good and then I just I guess I moved too hard in one direction and I was like ah no and I hopped off and I said ow I think I hurt myself so I just like need a living dick so I can stop hurting myself. Right. I think I have to agree with you because I also injured myself. Oh, boy. So for a very reason. It is hard in these streets when you are single.

Trying to figure some shit out. I have one guy who used to like give me dick on the regular for like a year and a half. But he's like super emotional and sometimes wouldn't return my text. then it made me mad one time because i was like you fucking return my text when i text you and so i like told him all about himself then he got his feelings was real hurt so we finally have like rebuilt our friendship which i'm just like what and he'll like tease me i'll be like oh like what are you doing tonight and And he's like, oh, it's so late, but, like, what about this Saturday? And I'm like, okay, but what about tomorrow night? Like, I need to get some dick.

Like, I think he, like, wants me to, like, want to, like, date him. He's like, he's like, the roles have reversed. Where it's like, he's trying to hold out the dick because he thinks, like, maybe we'll have, like, a relationship. And I'm like, give it back. It is so wild when that happens, when you just want the dick, but then the dude is texting you and is trying to be sweet to you. I don't want this. I just want the dick. I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

Yeah. And it's impossible. I didn't know men did that, but they do. Sometimes they do. It's exhausting. And I have another one. I took a picture of some lawn oh i tried to get him to come over and he was like i'm in bed it's 11

o'clock he's like so fucking responsible i was like you're fucking kidding me then i like get some lingerie and i like take a picture of it but not in it i just take pictures of the lingerie like it took a little video and he's like put it on i was like maybe one day i don't know like i'm trying to do tactics for dick you have you want to see it, you have to come over. I hate that I'm doing tactics for dick, but I'm like setting traps. It's tough in these streets. Oh, my God. I just saw a video of this woman promoting this thing.

So I can't remember what it's called, but you send it to your man, and it's something that he's interested in. It's like some sports thing that he's interested in. Clicks on it, clicks the link. It ends up not being a interested in. It's like some sports thing that he's interested in. Clicks on it, clicks the link. It ends up not being a sports thing. It's like this spam thing. He's like, oh, no. But then it sets like a virus to his computer where all of the pop-up ads are engagement

rings, wedding venues, wedding proposal videos. And it just puts wedding and proposal on his mind because he sees it every single day. And this woman said, it took six weeks and then she puts her hand in frame and she was like, I got my ring! Oh my god. I know

a white woman named Sarah made this. And I'm so proud of her. Sarah and Tiffany were like, we'll trap him. It made me laugh so hard because I was like, you are fully tricking these dudes into marrying you

but then I'm like, I mean, why not? You know, as far as gender nonconformity and just standards of gender roles have come, it's crazy to me how caveman you have to get with fucking men and I'm learning it again because I was like why can't I just be straightforward I'm a successful woman I'm beautiful like this should be enough

like you should be so excited to be with me but it's like no men need to feel like they you could leave them at any moment and that you kind of hate them yes Yes, which feels insane. And you can't be too vulnerable at first. And you can't be too needy at first, which is something that I'm learning that even two months in, I can't be like, hey, come with me on the road. Because then he'll get all freaked out.

He'll be like, why does she want me on the road? Because I want to fuck you after my shows. Exactly. And if you were a woman, you would have just come. Yes. A lot of ladies will follow a man to a dumpster and just be like, I'm happy in here. Right.

I'm looking for my Randall Park in that movie. Always Be My Maybe? Always Be My Maybe. When I tell you, Nicole, I legitimately cried when he held her purse at the end. I was like, all I want is a dick that's also a coat rack who will love me for who I am I want a dick that's also a coat rack

that is honestly what a treat yeah I just want some dude to be nice to me right and that I want him to be nice to me cause if I don't want you that you could be nice for as long as you want and I'm just here being like oh my god why why is he being so nice to me and there's so much of that even the guy that I was seeing like he's like a really

decent human being who like has gone to therapy and is like a whole human and we weren't compatible but it was just like here's a man who's like being an asshole, and I like hanging out with him. I wanted it to last as long as possible, but then I was like, I can't do this, because I need to also be able to call you and be like, hey, can you come to Costco with me right now? I am dying. Okay, I think the perfect situation for me is a dude that I'm very attracted to, has a great dick, we have great sex, doesn't want to move in with me. I don't want to move in with me. I don't want to move in with him. We have our separate homes that are rather close to each other, but we do a lot of domestic things together.

We go to Costco. He helps me organize my pantry. He will, you know, change my tire or whatever, help me do that. But, like, we have separate lives. And then sometimes we'll hang out with each other's friends or whatever. But like we truly have said I can go away for three days. He's fine with that. You're not fucking nobody else.

That's what I want. That's amazing. That actually sounds like a really good relationship. Yes. And like a mature like relationship where you're both still having boundaries. And then that gives you like time to grow if you do want to grow into maybe like you live with this dude. Or maybe you never live with a dude. Maybe I never live with him. Or maybe I have a guest room at my place.

He becomes your Stedman? He moves into your guest room? He could be my Stedman. I think Stedman lives in the pool house. I don't think he's allowed on the main property. But yeah, if he did move in with me, we would have to have separate spaces. So it's like I don't want to look at you, and then I don't have to look at you because you can go away. Nice.

And I think people, we all the time think that whatever the traditional model that we saw is what we have to do. But I think we also forget that back in those traditional days, women were treated like children. Your husband definitely could hit you a little bit. And then you didn't have a bank account, and it was very hard for you to leave that man. Right. Also, in like the 50s or whatever, they slept in twin beds. Yes. Which is so fucking weird.

I love Lucy. And then I was like, it was interesting to me. Although like. Wait, was that just on TV or was that a real thing? I don't know. It must have been a real thing. Mars, do you know? I feel like TV would always replicate that kind of stuff.

It had to have been a real thing. I doubt that Lucy and Ricky were just like the weirdos who slept in different beds. Also, if we sleeping in different beds, best believe we fucking in your cot. We not fucking in my cot. I got to get back getting in the wet cot. Fuck that. I'm not getting in a wet cot. No.

I mean, nobody wants to sleep in the wet spot. No. That's not fun. So. I would like to date a dude and just one dude so we can get that STD test and then we could just raw dog. I hate condoms, but I use them. I use them too. Because it's just, especially in LA.

Because you don't know. You don't know who these people are fucking. And I have like such hypochondria around STDs. And, like, I get STD tests all the time. I actually, like, saw someone about this because it's, like, a real phobia that I have. Really? This is kind of dark. But when I was eight, I took care of my uncle who died of AIDS. So ever since I was eight years old, like, if I get really stressed out, I'm, like, going to get an HIV test.

Like, I remember the Insecure Season 3 trailer came out, and I was in it. I ended up getting cut because it was a dream sequence, but I was in the trailer. You were in the trailer, then they cut? Yeah, they cut me from the show. But it was because it was a dream, and I knew when I read it on paper,

I was like, this shit could easily hit the cutting room floor just because it's like something wacky you guys are maybe going to do. They ended up cut the whole dream sequence, but they put me in the trailer for the season. Yeah, it was fascinating. But everyone was calling me because i didn't know i was in the trailer so i'm like oh my god the season two trailer came out you're in it i was driving around la looking for where i could get a quick hiv test and like went into some clinics couldn't get one there shout out to out of the closet went out of the closet had to wait for the lady come back from her lunch break fill out the test on the computer and then I go in and the guy is like, so you're very low risks from what the test shows.

And it looks like you get tested really often. He was like, did you have a risky event or something? I was like, no, it's just I got one three months ago and now I got to get my sixth month because sometimes you get a false positive or a false negative on the first three months. And I like, I just need my other one. He was like, okay. And he does it. And he's like, okay, it's negative.

You can go. I love that good news happened and then you said I have to get an HIV test I mean we all respond interestingly to news right good news or bad news

I've taken orquicks in front of the clubhouse like the comedy what's an orquick that's when you get an HIV test from like a Ralph's or like a Walgreens. Yeah, you can just get them and have them in your house. You're like, all right, before we do this pattern game, let me get an HIV test.

And I sat in my car and waited for it to like turn negative. It's insane. Such a funny fact about you. Yeah, it's an insane thing. I actually date a guy who I think could be my husband, but he lives in San Francisco, unfortunately. So that's why we're not together. And I sent him a picture of, like, my status when I went to the doctor. And it says, like, HIV on it.

But it says negative. And I took a photo and just, like, an idiot. I've known him for years, though. Texted it to him with no context you're like just so you know I'm negative he's like I haven't spoken to you in six months and you're like well in those six months I didn't contract anything oh we talk a lot so he was like he was like I opened this and my blood ran cold, dude. You had to send another text before. And I was like, I'm sorry.

I truly wasn't thinking. This might be why I'm single. That is so wild. That is truly the wildest thing I've ever heard. I love it. This might be why I'm single, now that I think about it. All right. Let me see.

I ask all of my guests this. Would you date me? I would. I would definitely date you. What a treat. Yes. We've connected me? I would. I would definitely date you. What a treat! Yes, we've connected so much. Yes, and I did your podcast. Yes, that was so fun. So, that's

been great. Do you have anything that you want to promote? We've come to the end. Do you have anything you wish to promote? Hey guys, I'm in a movie in movie theaters right now. It's called The Wedding Year with Sarah Hyland and Tyler J. Williams and Wanda Sykes and a lot of very funny, cool people. So, please a movie in movie theaters right now. It's called The Wedding Year with Sarah Hyland and Tyler J. Williams and Wanda Sykes and a lot of very funny, cool

people. So please go to the movie theaters and check that out. You can also see it eventually on Amazon. Guys, Scam Goddess is my podcast. It comes out October 1st. If you have any cool scams that you used to do, don't send us ones you're currently doing because we don't want to fuck up your game.

But if you have any retired scams or you've been scammed please email us at scamgoddess at gmail.com and you can follow me on Instagram at divalaci and on Twitter the same and scamgoddesspod on Instagram and Twitter. And you're on

Florida Girls. Yes. Oh my god. So yeah. And also Florida Girls. Guys you can download all of Florida Girls. The TV show that I'm on. You can download all of Florida Girls. Yes. Oh, my God. So, yeah. And also, Florida Girls. Guys, you can download all of Florida Girls. The TV show that I'm on. You can download all of Florida Girls on the Pop Now app or on iTunes. The first two episodes are free or on Amazon. Guys, get it. And then, do you do live shows still at UCB?

I do. You're on a Herald team? Yeah. So, I'm on a Herald team called Leroy. Nicole's my manager now. It's like, Lacey, you have more stuff to plug. I'm like, ah. You have so much.

You're doing a lot. I want everyone to be able to see you. Guys, if you want to see me live, I'm on a team called Leroy at UCB on Herald Night and also on Mod Night on a team called Donatella. So you can see her on television, in movies. You can see her live. You can listen to her. Lacey's on all of the platforms you can be on. television, in movies. You can see her live. You can listen to her. Lacey's on all of the platforms you can be on. I want to be a full-body experience.

Yep, you are a full-body experience. And I love it. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. No problem. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. You can rate it five stars on iTunes.

You can send me a nasty thing hitting on me, and I shall read it. So this nice person said, I'd love to drizzle your pussy with maple syrup and eat it up like breakfast in bed. Then we could have actual breakfast in bed. I make a mean pancake. This nice person said, Nicole, I want to floss my teeth with strands of your hair and use the hair to tickle your nips, record your ensuing giggle, sync the recording to a vibrating butt plug with Bluetooth capabilities, and leave the

butt plug inside me. So your laugh is inside of them. Yep. Which sounds awful and aggressive. The pancake guy won for me. Yes, pancake, very cute. Okay, the pancake guy won for me. Yes, pancake, very cute.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.