Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Cumbucha (w/ Lamorne Morris)

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

Actor and comedian Lamorne Morris (New Girl, Woke) is here! Lamorne teaches Nicole about the importance of playing hard to get, and how to act unavailable to attract a man. They read a listener's story about a date who ditched them at the bar to go buy wet wipes and take a shit. Plus, is TikTok now the hottest new app to find a relationship? Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter! Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Day Be A Podcaster? Me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could give me bottles of water with your cum in it, and I would drink it and say, protein. I don't know if I've used that one before But I am running out of ideas

I should start writing them down Anyway, my guest today is a comedian An actor known for playing Winston Bishop On the series The New Girl He now plays a cartoonist named Keefe In the new Hulu series Well, I guess it's not new It's on season two

It will come out soon It's called Woke It's Lamorne Morris Hey, hey, It's called woke. It's Lamar. Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

I just want to get this straight. Um, you're someone could maybe even a stranger give you a bottle of semen and you would drink it. Yes. And I would say, thank you. Protein is, uh, is good for the body.

Oh, that's disgusting. Just know that if it's a bottle full of it that is some of it's been sitting around for a while but that means the protein has had time to mature it's a kombucha disgusting kombucha kombucha so just so you know this episode should be titled kombucha yes uh mars yes not to tell you how to do your job but i think lamorne is onto something oh you got it oh you are disgusting yes she's nasty and maybe that's why I'm single. No. Who knows?

Lamorne. Okay. Here's a question. How does a gal catch a man? Well, I'm just basing things off of the intro. Maybe try not to take the whole bottle. You know what I mean? Okay. off of the intro maybe maybe try not to take the whole bottle you know what i mean because because the guy doesn't want someone who's who's that hungry for all of it maybe just like in a in

the throes of passion maybe just a little bit that he's giving off and he's like oh i don't want your whole bottle of it i just want a little bit of it so so he knows that it's just you and him because the whole bottle is a lot of niggas. It's a lot of niggas. Some would say too many. So I say, oh, excuse me. I just take a little bit of yours. Thank you. Exactly.

Okay. But like for you, what makes you go, give me more of that lady? Honestly, somebody funny. You know, somebody funny. Humor is always a thing because I tell a lot of stupid jokes and somebody who can let me know they're stupid,

but appreciate the fact that I'm attempting to make them laugh. You know what I mean? Somebody who understands humor enough to know that what I just said wasn't funny. But, you know, stuff like that. I like, you know, I kind of like, I kind of like people who are kind of free spirited. You know, I'm not a very adventurous person, but I, I, when initiated or when motivated to do certain things, I'm always down. Like I'm always down to, you know, do crazy extreme things. I just

will never be the initiator so i would like for someone that i'm with to also be an initiate initiator of events an initiator yes an imagineer at disney exactly so what do you mean like what kind of wild things do you want initiated like skydiving let me tell you something yes this is how non-extreme i am okay by extreme i mean uh let's go let's go hike i'm like ah damn she dangerous she's like playing with fire and heights and altitude i mean hiking is a little dangerous because i'm a little silly goose and you know maybe she wants to walk backwards up the hill and do a bit and then you know you go a little too far and then you fall

the fuck off a cliff yeah yeah I've seen it before plenty of people run and fall off cliffs you know what I mean scary it's very scary so I I choose to stay at home because it's safer at home you know what I mean yes mask up everybody but I but but if someone wants to like skydiving i'll never do it like if oh if if if a lovely young lady said hey i want to take you skydiving i don't care she's halle berry i'm uh look i'll go as far as going to the venue where the plane will take off and then i'll be the dude down at the bottom guarding everybody's belongings and really if holly berry broke into this zoom right now and said excuse me lamar i want to take you skydiving tomorrow you would say no no i would act like i'll go okay yes yes yes and you're gonna be down there with

but what if she goes well more and you said you to go skydiving. You can't just stay with the belongings because I have a personal assistant named Pierre who's staying with the belongings. And Pierre's like, yes, we flew from Paris to stay with the belongings. Call no. You can't trust Pierre. With that mustache that Pierre has, I don't trust it. And he's wearing stripes. Yeah. I mean, clearly,. And he's wearing stripes. Yeah. I mean, clearly Pierre is a crook.

Yes. And Halle has fallen for his shenanigans and his mustache. I don't trust Pierre. Okay. Okay. But what I could do. Yes.

Here's what I could do. Because it's Halle Berry and it's a once in a lifetime thing. I would say, okay, Halle, listen, I'll go skydiving with you under one condition right is that we rent one of those old school limos you know I mean like the old like from the 80s um with like champagne and all kinds of stuff in the back and weird lights maybe fur on the seats maybe velvet exactly and while we're in there I would try to to put the moves on her

and at least i'd be like okay let me let me hit it let me see what all the fuss is about and then at the end just kind of go oh but about that skydiving sorry can't do it ali i'm scared i'm scared and then she would fall in love with you because she'd be like wow how emotionally vulnerable this man is being with me exactly wow I know what I'm doing maybe that's the key I got to be more emotionally vulnerable yeah and don't be available either don't be available right men men love it when women aren't that available because when you are available they feel like they won look what i did i got our ass out the house

okay so how how would i make myself un just like make plans with other people and then be like sorry can't do it? Well, you don't even have to. I mean, it's a bit of a game, but you know, what you could do is someone says, hey, you want to go out and grab a drink? You could say, yeah, absolutely. And then when they suggest the time, you say, oh, you can't do that one. Let me check. Let me see. Let me see. And make it make them feel like you're actually trying to figure it out. And then say, look, hit me up next week you know something like that wow okay yeah gotta do it gots to do and then that makes you hungry for more yeah and then maybe send the areola and uh an areola just the areola don't don't do the whole thing not the whole titty not the whole

titty just the areola and maybe not maybe so zoomed in on the areola that they don't quite know what it is and i could it be you know what i'm saying could it be an elbow we don't know what it is hopefully someone doesn't look at a close-up of my areola and go is that a dry elbow well i don't know if you're coconut oiling. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know. I'd be so sad. Okay.

I think this is good advice. So, okay. So it's a game? It's a bit of a game. It's not forever. It's not forever. Because here's the thing. You don't want everyone to know your true self immediately.

Okay. And everything that we do, we put on a bit of a front and a bit of a face to get from point A to point B. But by the time you get to point C, D, E, F, and G, my alphabet doesn't go quite past that. But the moment you get to the end, to Z, you know, hopefully by that time you guys know each other for who you truly are. And it's also growing together. You know what I mean? Now we're talking about marriage. Let's just rewind.

Wait, okay. So when do you get to stop being unavailable? Like when you're in a relationship? No, no, no, no, no, no. Way before that. I'm saying when you initially want that that that that that secure attraction meaning that person is like anxious to see you wants to see you continuously maybe not every day but maybe to the point where you might be the only person that person's hooking up with or seeing you know because let me tell you something man we got holodexes holodexes it's a holodex ladies got the dickadex

y'all definitely got a dickadex i've seen some dickadexes before and i've seen a couple of my boys in these dickadexes and he's like how the hell you know reggie she's like give me my dickadex back oh reggie's in the dickadex sorry i let you look at it so we got you know what you want to do is you want to minimize the the holodex you want it to the you want to be you want it to get to the point where he's no longer referring to it as a holodex yes he's it's a paperweight now okay he's it's just there he doesn't even use it he's just like so when the holodex becomes a paperweight that's when you can become available yeah but you got tox becomes a paperweight, that's when you can become available? But you got to make it a paperweight.

Okay. Because here's what happens. Here's what happens. You have people that you can just call sometimes. Not me anymore. I've retired. But you have people you could just call and just maybe they want to hook up. Maybe they don't.

But you have people that are in your life that are kind of like that. You go through phases where you might have someone you're hooking up with continuously for a few months. And that's just what it is. But then you come along and you're not that person. You hook up maybe. But then you make them earn it for the next occasion. You know what I mean? Yes.

If even that's the route you want to go down, but you still make them earn it, it's not just a hookup situation. This is a, oh, let's go grab a drink. Let's grab coffee. Let's go walk backwards up Runyon. Whatever it is you're into. And then that person's like, oh, wow.

But then they remembered the first time y'all hooked up and they're like i want to do that again then you're like not tonight i'm busy i gotta go through my dickadex call reggie but don't tell him that i'm going through the dickadex don't tell him but he'll but make it so he kinda thinks that okay you know what i mean i'm yeah i got plans what you doing uh you know it's hanging out with a friend ah and never say the friend's name and leave it ambiguous exactly exactly so i have to be more mysterious yes yes don't wear a mask or nothing well i mean again wear a mask mask but don't wear like an eye mask or anything like that okay yeah don't

do that you know what i mean all right don't wear the anonymous mask and say hello yeah don't do that that's bad okay that's bad that's bad okay so just you know uh yeah okay i i got it i got it i think i got it okay so understand here's a question are Do you consider yourself a ladies man? No, I don't think so. I mean, I'm just I don't know. I don't know what I would consider myself. I'm just a dude who, you know, who likes hanging out, kicking it. And, you know, if you build it, maybe they come. maybe they don't you know what i'm saying yeah so after you like started gathering success as an actor did you notice the flip in the the women's did more did more bitches be throwing themselves at you no they did not yeah uh yeah you know i wouldn't say throwing themselves at me but i you know i think a part

of it is i never had a problem in that category i was always i had a problem internally with it meaning i never i'm a i'm kind of an introvert kind of shy individual so i i don't think i've ever approached a woman like like random you know people go up to women at bars and hey hey i i don't think i've ever done that in my life. I'm just afraid of it. I don't like the rejection. So I never, I was never that person. But I will say being on television definitely gave me confidence because I was confident. I had so much going on in my own personal life that I was like, what do I have to lose in this moment? You know what I mean?

Like I got bills to pay. I got a great job. I got family. I, all these things that are in motion. So when I go up to somebody, you know, if I'm talking, if I'm having a conversation with someone, I'm more confident in that conversation and therefore, you know, some women are attracted to confidence. Yeah. And yeah. So I feel like that definitely helped. I wouldn't say women were throwing themselves at me like that. Like you're not getting any wild DMs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All the time. Just a lot of areolas in the DMs. I could be elbows, though. I don't know. Could be. Who knows? Some people don't moisturize.

They don't. And that's where i come in coconut oil morris mr coconut oil i was hit on by this man at a bar and he was like i can't remember what he said but i like matched it with like equally flirty and then he said no and like retreated and i watched it in real time and i was like what did you think was gonna happen like i guess i should have played hard to get and been like why are you talking to me but i felt the same because it was like towards the end of the night and i was like okay let's do this and he was like no and truly like ran away from me oh my god i don't know what you could i wasn't there no it could have been the water bottle filled with something that you had in front of

you he's like what is she drinking and i'm like oh it's not yeah yeah but those bottles exist anyway uh yeah so i don't i mean what do you think besides that incident at the at the bar what do you think the the thing is um i think i probably come on too strong and come on too fast and nothing wrong with coming too fast okay i mean i gotta get mine first you can't say there's nothing wrong with coming too fast i get mine first what people don't like Women don't like that? Man, y'all tripping. That's your problem.

Whenever I'm gabbing to a girlfriend, I'm like, oh my God, he comes so quick and he gets his first and then like doesn't even worry about mine. And I think I'm in love. I think I make myself too available. But you're so busy. i have a lot going on but like somebody will be like do you want to hang out this day and then i go all right well i could stay in new york this extra day or i could fly back to la meet up with this person and then fly back on the east coast to do a show and then we'll be on the date i'll be like oh i flew back just to see you and they're like oh it's only the third date what's wrong with you so i should stop doing that that's what it is that's oh that's what it is okay so you know what happens when you take um

saran wrap right it's very clingy that's the whole point of it right it sticks to the surface but if you put that over a person's face yeah suffocates them oh no and the nigga can't breathe i'm saran wrap yeah oh no i gotta be tinfoil ball me up and shoot me into the garbage can this episode was brought to you by sir reynolds rap yes i couldn't think of a name i was like ziploc and i was like that's definitely bags and not uh but yeah maybe that's what it is maybe i gotta stop doing that yeah i think so you know and there's nothing you know there's nothing wrong with showing interest obviously but it's a delicate game, especially when people have so many options these days. I mean, you look at it, marriages are down.

People are getting divorced at an all time high. You know, people are just kind of running. Now, if you had lived in, you know, any town Midwest, you know, where the population ain't that big and y'all work together. You know what I mean? Y'all, y'all, y'all love each other for, for y'all. Y'all don't have all these distractions, these outside things, this, this chaotic schedule, these, you know, other DMs that are popping up. You don't have all that. You can just focus on y'all, on each other, your partners. And, and that makes it a lot easier. But when you're in big cities like we live in, and especially when you're high profile the way you are, you know, you're busy. You got a lot going on, you know.

And people you're probably hanging out with, same thing. Yeah. Everybody got shit going on. But then I try to make it seem like I'm like, I'm not that busy. I can hang out with you. Tee hee hee. Don't you like it? I made room for you. And I'm like, I'm not that busy. I can hang out with you. Tee hee hee. Don't you like it? I made room for you.

And they're like, no, go away. So maybe I should. Okay. I'm going to be less available. I'm going to be more mysterious. I'm going to put walls up and not be vulnerable.

I'm going to push people away. Keep them at arm's length make him come first make him come first never come on my own i think we did it i fixed it well because the female orgasm is a myth that's uh yeah that's um yeah i think that's a fake thing a myth uh if you believe in it you believe in fake fucking news exactly santa claus is real and he's jamaican he is jamaican santa is jamaican okay he always leaves me beef patties and i say bomba clot thank you um i've been watching the office i know i'm a hundred years too late have you watched the office i've seen a few episodes here and there i i you know i didn't there was a reason i didn't really watch it so much and i'll and i can i can tell you that

but i want you to get back to your story well i want to know the reason well because here's the thing i binged 30 rock right i got all the box sets and stuff like that i was obsessed with 30 rock it's too time consuming and no one should laugh that much consistently and then you find yourself stealing jokes you find yourself performing like they perform you know what i mean so yes office i was like i can't i can't i can't i i know it's funny and i'll watch an episode an episode will come on and i'll be in tears and i go i can't watch the next one i just can't do it i gotta i gotta i gotta do something else i love drama i love watching dramas because i don't really play those characters that much

what drama are you watching right now let's see midnight mass on netflix love that show who's in that my boy zach gilford zach gilford from friday night lights okay um it's a dope show you got to check it out um and ozark's obviously ozark is like that's like my show show um but all the old good stuff you know breaking bad sons of anarchy um power uh i just started watching sopranos i'm late to the party i'm on like episode three episode four i want to watch sopranos but i'm getting through the office right now oh boy didn't realize how funny it was and now i'm like will pam and fucking jim ever get together and i'm like a hundred years too late and i have no one to talk about it with now have they gotten together i'm assuming they did i'm only on season two so i right now they're not but

jim was just like oh we had our first date we danced and we had dinner and i was like you can't say you went on a date with her her fiance works in the building downstairs jim what are you doing i'll give you a spoiler they they get together they do yeah anal episode is when uh they get together and immediately do anal yeah and then he does anal on her too oh my good and he does anal on her too i like that you set this up and it's like pam's gonna peg jim and then jim gets it right back to her yep it's a loving relationship you gotta be equal you gotta be equal even though love isn't equal what do you mean by love isn't equal i don't think people like it's some wise woman once told me this i was i was having some relationship issues and she was telling me you

know i'm able to handle certain things that my man might not be able to handle. And I was like, what does that mean? And she was like, well, if I go out with other guys, like not on dates, but like as friends, it's fine with my guy because he knows I don't flirt. And I'm like a dude's dude. And I know how to handle myself in those situations. But if he goes out with other women, the women are extra thirsty for him and then he might find himself in compromising situations. So he's so she's allowed to do it more often than he's allowed to do it because their tolerance for that issue is different. It's not the same. You know what I mean? He's like, I want you to hang out with your boys

because those are your actual friends. He's like, I don't have that many women friends. And if they do come around, then they knew. And what the hell are you doing here? You know what I'm saying? So on that particular topic, it's different. And then she's like, but on other situations, it's also skewed. It's not nothing's ever, you know, it's rare that it's very it's equal. You can do this. I can't. I can't.

It's like, well, what what can we tolerate? You know, that's kind of what I mean by love isn't necessarily equal. I just want to be in a relationship where, like like they can hang out with whoever and i'm like chill with it but i don't know if i'll be chill with it because i've never been in a relationship you've never been in a relationship at all no not a real one i've been in like a i i just learned the term a situation ship i like hooked up with this dude for like years and years i guess he was part of the dickadex uh but i was like maybe he'll change and maybe we'll actually date and then he was like hard no dumb dumb i'll throw you off a cliff before i date you and i was like that means uh you're gonna lift me up and squeeze me

yeah yeah you thought wrong about that uh-huh yeah i see where it went sideways yeah i've never had yeah like a boyfriend or a significant other but it seems exciting you know i'll be honest with you there are good times and bad times but you you being single you are right where you are and you are right where you need to be i mean yeah i'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason even if i like don't understand or whatever uh but like i'm like what is the reason why i'm single i'm over it thank you so much i'm telling you it's got to be the availability okay i gotta be less available it's like this it's got to be the availability. Okay. I got to be less available. It's like this.

It's like this. If you're not, if you're not out searching for it, then you're, you're allowing it to find you. You know, you can't, you can't be on the quest because I think you're too close to the, you're too close to the fire. I think you have to, your mind should be on other things, the things that you enjoy doing because what happens when you're, you're in those elements doing the things you enjoy doing, the things that you're passionate about, the things that you find fun, you're going to be surrounded by people who, who are like-minded.

You're going to find yourself being surrounded by folks who get you more than folks who don't. Because you're doing the same shit. So, you know, and before you know it, y'all found each other. And you know what I mean? I think that's important. Focus on you.

Yeah. Focus on me. But sometimes I'm like, oh my my god i'm focusing too much on me no one's just gonna knock on my door and be like hello i have a dick for you to suck you kind of have to go out and find it well well not necessarily i mean there are apps for that you know what i'm saying and websites but what but you know i do think that okay so for i'll give you an example today someone knocked on your door right today someone came into your into your place of residence and that person left yes that's on you you had an opportunity right there no i didn't he was

married and he was fixing my dryer it doesn't matter marry many love too he also was like my wife's name is nicole and i was like do you want to fuck me on this broken dryer in this like gross lint you just pulled out but i did not ask even though i should have you should have you should have because you never know where love is. Love could be in another woman's bedroom waiting for you. You know what I'm saying? You just got to play your cards right. I love this advice.

Okay, so I'm unavailable. I'm going to snatch women's husbands up. I'm going to fuck them on broken dryers. I'm not going to let people leave my home when they come into it. This is it. And I'm not gonna go skydiving with Halle Berry. This is, honestly. I think you got it figured out.

I think I figured it out. What I think you and I just did right here on your podcast. Yes. And I do want to collect a percentage of it. Oh. We just wrote a book. We did just write a book. An audio Oh. We just wrote a book. We did just write a book. An audio book.

We just wrote an audio book. So y'all can take that, sell that, give it to Audible or whoever does books and stuff. Book.org. I don't know, but you know. Book.org. Book.org. Not a dot com. Book.org.

Dot org. Yeah, it's an organization. Yeah. Okay, one more. Real quick. We got to take a break.org. Dot org. Yeah, it's an organization. Yeah. Okay, one more real quick. We got to take a break. And we're back. Okay, so I asked for listener fucking submissions. And if you want to submit something you can email why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com uh i will not read like dms so you just got to submit them there so i want to read you this crazy story that we're going to dissect okay so this is from a nice person they wrote their name but i don't want to put their whole name out there bianca anyway i was dating this guy for a few months i decided i'll

say her name she says whatever she was dating guy i was dating guy for a few months he took me out for a valentine's dinner and drinks when we got to the bar for the drinks part of the date he said he had to use the bathroom when he got back the date, he said he had to use the bathroom. When he got back to our table, he said he couldn't use the bathroom because he had to shit and he forgot his wipes. I said, uh,

what? Okay. So he left me at the bar to run to the nearby sheets, which I think is a gas station to buy wipes and shit. An hour later, Bianca. No. After I later, Bianca, no. After I drank both our beers,

he returned to let me know that Sheetz didn't have wipes. So he had to go to Walmart to buy wipes and back to Sheetz to shit and then came back to have drinks with me at the bar. We called him Wipey Wipes Guy for a while. I dumped him a little later on. Wow. Whoa.

I mean, how wild lamorne if that happened to you if a lady was like um excuse me i just have to run to the nearby gas station to get some wet wipes because i have to take a big nasty wet dump uh will you please hold for a second would you stay no no there's a couple things there's a couple things i would think that was a hell of a funny excuse to just leave the date and ditch me right because i'm not i'm not saying i'm important but uh i ain't just anybody i ain't gonna sit at no bar while you gone for an hour talking about weight here. You know what I'm saying? That's not going to happen.

That is not going to happen. I'm going to be like, okay, cool. When you're done doing what you got to do, text me. I'll be at home. Fast forward this thing. Hopefully your pipes have been cleaned. So, okay, you text, meet me at home. You deal with your thing. Would you then allow you text meet me at home you deal with your thing would

you then allow them to come to your home i mean their booty is clean they used a wet wipe you know everybody that's something i learned at a young age everybody shits everybody shits and you know i i got a i got a one-year-old and she she shits a lot yeah you know what i mean everywhere on me sometimes it's disgusting you're changing her diaper because she just took a shit and then you realize while you're changing her diaper she's shitting again oh yeah that's disgusting right now when i'm used to it everybody everybody drops deuces you know what I mean? So I can't be mad at it.

I'm a little weirded out by the honesty and the upfrontness. That's a lot. Give me a second. I got to go poop. That's a lot. But they've been dating for a few months. So like how many, would it be years for you to have someone go? I got to dump one out. Well, here's the thing.

Just go dump one out. I got to broadcast it. You know what I'm saying? Like and and if and if they've been dating a few months and she don't know his wet wipe like habit, like his wet wipe dependency like that like like if he's got if this guy's dependent on wet wipes often like to the point where he can't even go in a public bathroom without you know wetting his hole and doing all the whole like like hey man sometimes you just gotta go do it then when you get home shower your nasty ass if you if you got to sometimes you gotta just dry rub it yeah you gotta dry rub the brown line and then when you get home you know what i'm saying do

your thing but you know but she didn't know that about him so they had a lot of other issues going on do you think it's a lack of communication or just a lack of paying attention you know what i'm saying like i'm sure that wasn't the first time they'd been out. I'm sure he'd been to her place before. You know, I'm sure she's gone to the, I'm sure she had left wet wipes in her bathroom. And every time he goes to the bathroom, there's one or two fewer wet wipes. She's like, oh, okay.

Yeah, okay. I see he cleaning it. Okay. I would love to meet the person who counts wet wipes. They're like, two are missing. Yeah, looking at them wow making network money now he's making streaming money and he's counting the wet wipes gotta do it i gotta save you know what i mean this lamborghini ain't gonna pay for itself wait do you have a I do. What color? It's black. Oh, okay.

Wait, that can't be your everyday car. That is my everyday car. Really? I am ignorant with a small dick. No, no, no, no. It's the Lamborghini SUV. It's the everyday the Lamborghini SUV. Oh. It's the everyday driver Lamborghini.

Yes. Suitable for children. Yeah. And city driving. Yeah. I got my child seat in the back. I love that. Wait.

With the baby on board sticker on the back window. I do. Do you really? I do. Why? Why do you need to let people know they got a baby on board? You think people would be nicer to you? No, you have to say baby on board so people watch how they're driving around you.

Oh. I drive more aggressively when I see baby on board. I was like, this baby needs to fucking learn. The streets aren't safe. Zoom, zoom, bitch. It's wild out here. You want to race? How has your life changed since you've had a child oh life you know it's interesting um co-parenting life life hasn't changed much life for me it's

changed as far as being more organized um getting the daily uh routines of your kid in order, making sure you're sleeping as much as you can. Because I used to, you know, when you're single, you sleep when you can. You're like, I might stay out till four, five, six, seven in the morning, depending on where you are. But now my baby goes to sleep at 7 p.m. I'm right behind her. I'm like, quick, let me go ahead and lay down too before she wake up. You know, no late nights for me. I don't, you know, not so much anymore.

I haven't really gone out too, too much since, you know. But it's fun though. It's fun because it's a different part of life. It's a very interesting, you know, mature adult part of life because now a it's a very interesting you know mature adult part of life because now you're forced to grow up yeah you have to keep a person alive which is like yes i mean i'm doing a pretty poor job of no not poor job like my dog is alive and thriving but like i have to brush his teeth because his breath is kicking. It is so fucking bad.

And I'm like, this seems like work. I got to like open your mouth and like brush it. And then I can't imagine you have to do that with a kid every single fucking day. Every day. Every day. But, you know, you play games and you make it fun for her. At first she didn't want to brush her teeth because she's one. She's got like 10 teeth now.

And so she'll watch me brush my teeth and then so she'll then take her toothbrush and just kind of mimic oh what i do that's fucking cute it's cute it's cute and she likes the flavor of her like all natural toothpaste so she just loves doing that oh you're not getting the bubble gum shit she doesn't know how to she doesn't really realize you have to spit afterwards she'll just be swallowing it the whole time like yo no you can't you gotta brush and then rinse out and do all the whole she don't know that yet she's like food food yum yum yum no not food okay this is an actual question why brush a kid's teeth if they're gonna lose their teeth well because you don't want them to lose their teeth due to negligence.

You have a rotten tooth ass baby. Yep. Okay. Yeah. I guess a baby's breath that smelled like my dog would be very awful. It would be a real turnoff to holding that baby. Yeah, not at all.

It'd be disgusting. A rotten tooth baby they maybe eat they eat food they eat real food you know what i mean and so you don't want to and right now i i got lucky you see i got this gap right here and my daughter has the gap too you know what i'm saying so food don't get stuck in there food don't get stuck so just lie right out i love it two little madonnas with no food in their teeth exactly i love that um so someone sent me some advice and here is the advice i just want to read it i cracked the code nicole delete your hinge delete your bumble i met my boyfriend on tiktok i live in san diego had a had a bunch of my videos go semi-viral,

nothing too crazy, around 500,000 views. Okay, I think this person is truly just trying to brag. I got a bunch of followers on Instagram since I linked my account. Okay. And one was a sexy, handsome man from Kentucky. He slid into the DMs and one and a half years later, he moved to San Diego for me and we're planning our engagement. I super gay i've always struggled with the dating scene i never find men who have a deep connection with i thought i was destined for hookups only for my life hookups only for my life but tiktok really pulled through what is this an ad for tiktok it's gotta be it's gotta be how did big talk big tiktok get into get my email address yeah hey listen you know that they're not wrong i mean social media i think in general what he's

saying is a good place to to connect because if you look at some of these dating apps they just link to your social media so they can use some of your photos that you already post on your social media so you know your social media should could be a place it's like a hub it is a hub it's like a hangout you know it's like nasa nasa hubs in space we're all just these people in space tethered to our social media and then that's how you meet other people in the space wow exactly wow wow wow wow the metaverse you can meet you can meet folks on the metaverse you know your producer was telling me that's what that's she just hangs out in the metaverse all day that's how she meets strange oh wait is the metaverse is that what facebook

is now called meta yeah meta which is like what the fuck yeah you just go into these weird rooms and like do like weird stuff wait what's his name zach zuckerberg no mark mark oh my god i was way off yeah way way i mean mark zuckerberg what are you doing why rebrand facebook it's been around for so fucking long you're not gonna trick me with the meta i'm not signing up for a meta page listen he's powerful dude if he wants you to sign up to his meta page you will sign up to the meta page i don't know i've seen what he looks like he looks like data from star trek next generation mark zuckerberg is an alien that's what he looks like he's a cyborg he's a cyborg no one's mind is that quick he is a cyborg well i. No one's mind is that quick. He is a cyborg. Well, I don't think his mind is that quick.

I mean, Facebook was around for, what, 100 years before he changed it to meta. Oh, my gosh. I don't know, man. You know what's crazy? I don't even use Facebook, really. I don't have a Facebook page. Yeah, I have one, but I always forget my password and i don't really know like who's operating it now i don't i'd be like that ain't me all right there's just a small white woman in idaho who's like it's me lamar it's lamar morris been on tv

pretty much pretty much yeah i just don't see the need for it because last time i went on i was like oh this is just like people from high school selling their pyramid schemes like lulu lulu rose or lilac rose what am i thinking of do you know what i'm talking about the leggings i'll be honest with you no oh lemon no not lulu lemon i think it's lulu row it's like a whole pyramid scheme where women are buying leggings and then you resell them. But then you have to get people under you to be part of your team to sell more leggings. But then if you get every lady in your town selling leggings, who's buying the leggings? Wait a minute.

Are these previously worn leggings? No, they're not previously worn leggings. Why did your brain go there? Because you're like, they're buying it and they're reselling them. I'm like, I don't want rotten crotch in my leggings. I don't know. I don't know where you've been, Barb. Wholesale.

Barb buys them wholesale. And then Barb sells them. Like you buy them for five and I guess you sell them for 10. Ah. Yeah. And then you just, they kick that money up. It trickles up. ah yeah and then you just they kick that money up trickles up so like when you get more people under you it like i don't know you get a percentage of them buying their bulk order or whatever but

then you don't get a percentage of what they're selling there was a whole documentary that i watched it truly was very interesting well let me tell you this is this this could be another answer to your question to your question your grand question yes you're watching documentaries on a on a bitch named barb selling leggings you need to tell me men aren't interested in that you weren't hell nah hell nah they're gonna be like wait what what you doing tonight i'm unavailable tonight i'm watching barb barb goes wholesale i gotta watch bar Barb Goes to the Wholesale Legging Warehouse. Wait, what should I watch to get a man to be like, oh, shit, she's fucking cool. Wow.

Like video games? Should I watch Grand Theft Auto? Watch some Joe Rogan and watch the Lakers. Oh, boy, I love me some Joe Rogan. You gotta watch some Joe Rogan. Oh wow, I just love how he really just doesn't do any sort of research and says things with such authority. That's hot to me. I hope he lives forever and does it for the rest of his life.

Real quick, we have to take another break. we have to take another break I love I genuinely love Joe Rogan like genuinely do you yeah I've never met the guy I've never met the guy I'm like hey that's my guy right there I love Joe Rogan it is very funny that men seem to just

love him yeah I mean you know like I don't want to get into the politics of it all. It's not. No. It's not really my thing. That's not fun. It's not really my thing. But he is one of those dudes of, like, I'm like, how can you, how do you go from, you know, being a UFC dude where you're, like, watching people beat the crap out of each other to, like, talking about mental health with, like, this professional on your show to then talk it to like this crazy comedian then talking about you know political

issues to then i'm like what is this where's the through line you know and i and i find it to be very very entertaining i just i just because he seems to i don't know he just every he seems to like every they're all they're all like hom. It just feels like he's having a real conversation where he was, like, just ask, he's, like, asking questions as I would ask him. I don't have, I don't know. I don't know about this subject. gonna be like joe rogan i'll be like so what like what is what is all that about what is space space you know what i mean like i don't know like he's asking the questions like regular dudes would ask i like him because i think he's so confidently wrong with a lot of things and then he's just like i don't know you know i said what i said i apologize. It's out there. Take it for what it is. And then I'm like, he talks for so long. I feel like some of those episodes are like two hours long.

And I'm like, three hours. That must mean his like wife is so happy. He must not talk at home. He must get it all out. All of the dumb shit is out on the podcast. So when he goes home, he's like, tell me your day. And she's like ah yes well i was spending your money because you make so much of it i love it i love it i love it and

then they're like yeah yeah yeah then they make clams and fuck like i think he's got a real nice home life oh i'm sure well i'm sure he puts it down i don't know i don't know their home life i don't i don't want to speak on another man's wife like that uh or another man's penis on what he's doing with it fair but let me tell you something he loves elk meat elk meat you know what that you know what that means i sure don't huh elk meat what is an elk a deer what is an elk i'll be honest with you i don't know yet wait i gotta google this okay elk elk is a big ass moose i think oh it's so big okay the elk also known as the wapiti is the largest species within the deer family okay interesting oh they live for 10 to 13 years oh my god they can get to be 730 pounds yeah until joe rogan shows up and then he's like i'm gonna fucking cut you up but the thing is joe

rogan does it with his bare hands that's a man's man he's a man's man yeah that's i love that jumps out of the tree then gets gets his grip on the neck like it's a ufc move it's an mma move and just snaps that air supply off would you ever do mma hell no i got weak knuckles you got weak knuckles yeah very fragile joints and dainty wrists oh you do have a dainty wrist look at that wow just flops yeah that's dainty just flopping around that ain't the only thing that flops, ladies. No, his ears are big, too. No, my movies. Oh, no. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I have a question. Okay, what is, like, the ideal woman of your dreams? Am I putting a face on it, or am I just explaining who this person is? As much detail as you want to give. So, take... I just lovee kravitz okay so because she's she's mysterious you know what i mean she's always got this look on her face that says ain't nothing going on behind these eyes or is there and i'm like is she is she OK? Or is she about to murder me? Oh, OK. Yeah. Like she's very mysterious. She's got these cool tattoos.

I don't quite know what they are. I haven't done the research yet. I mean, it could be witchcraft. I don't know. But she's super cool. And her and her family life seems to be really cool cool parents you know i'm saying they seem like the type of parents that would would be okay with you and her walking around their house naked i yes very that yeah like lenny would be like hey man you want some eggs you gotta be like hold on let me put my dick away first before you address me this is awkward i feel like lenny would be like oh this is what we're doing i'll take mine out too have you ever seen the video of him squatting and his dick pops out it's a stunning video he's like performing and he like squats and his fucking dick falls out of his like leather pants that is how strong lenny kravis's dick is it broke through leather i have leather handbags that i've had for years nothing

has broken them i put a laptop in them i've had plenty of dicks in there i put so many dicks in my purses and lenny kravis's pants were like i cannot be contained it's a perfect video okay sorry so zoe kravis but yeah zoe kravis i. I love Zoe Kravitz. So and that's the other thing is that I don't know anything about this woman. And that's what I like. I don't know anything about her. She's cool. She's cool. She's mysterious.

So I need to become Zoe Kravitz. Yeah. Okay. I mean, honestly, maybe she's my ideal person person too, because I love that her mom and her dad are still very close while her mom is married to a whole nother person. And the three of them are just like easy breezy, chill people. And it seems very healthy. Yes.

That's all people want is just healthy relationships with friends and family. You know, no hard feelings, no hurt feelings. Sure. You might be butthurt in the moment but tomorrow is a new day god damn can we all just be a family yes it's a wait what has a song a new day has begun do you know who sings that i'll be honest with you no selena dion come on selena dion you don't know who selena dion selena dion cole who is selena gomez uh dion no i i've never heard that i'm not gonna lie to you i've never heard that song i i do like

selena dion but i've never heard that song. Okay. Well, I'll tell you something. She's iconic. She is perfection. I've seen her in concert. She talks in between each song. Just lets you know where she's at in her life. I'm in my castle right now, you guys.

No, she's at the concert. So she'll be like, I feel good, everybody. And I'm in my castle right now. You guys. She's at the concert. Oh, I feel good. Everybody. Well, that's a terrible French Canadian accent. Whoa. Yeah, that was off.

It was very Spaniard. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I oh cc uh uh yo dos which is not how you say me too because i said i and then the number two i wish i spoke a different language wait lamorne do you travel a lot i i do i do back when the world was more open i i did um you know i've been to a few places. I've been to Africa a few times. Where in Africa?

Cape Town. I've been to Cape Town, Mozambique, Johannesburg, mainly just south. I want to go back so bad. I planned on doing this big African tour for a few months. And when I was, I was working in Cape Town. And I said, you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna spend the next few months after this project i was traveling up and down this great continent and uh and i never got to do it um because of because of work so then the world said we done well if you ever do it invite me and sashir yes i don't know this is your person you're speaking about oh she's like

my one of my really good friends she's um yeah she's on this show called woke that's on hulu and the second season will be coming out um say it slower so i can hear no no no sherbert is um i think a dairy-based fruity treat oh i love fruit treats oh my goodness so sherbert is a fruity treat nice sherbert is a fruity treat she i mean she's a fruity friend uh i guess i wouldn't describe her as fruity no no she's fruity she's colorful she's fun and she's delicious to talk to and now you know i talk to fruit which could be problem number seven and why you are single this is why i'm single i'm too available i'm just talking to fruit but no yes i will definitely invite you and Shashir Shashir Shashir is a

fantastic and fabulous comedian actor singer writer and a goddamn thug she is the best she is the longest legs and arms I've ever seen on a person and when she looks like when she puts her arms over her

head and waves them around like sometimes i ask her to she looks like the car dealership thing the little blow up guy and it really gets me every time she does it she scratches her ankles standing up that's the that's the that's the crazy thing without bending her legs she's like oh i'm itching on the bottom of my foot anytime my shoes while also standing upright you guys shot season two of woke in atlanta uh did you go to shit what is the name of it it is one of the oldest strip clubs i think in america the claremont lounge the claremont lounge did you guys go i can't remember if you did yes we did go we did go there there were there was quite the show it was quite the show see if you haven't been there i you know i i recommend you folks out

there in listener town to go because it's a bar yes let's get that out of the way it's a bar it's not really really a strip club the stage is like where the bartenders are you know what i mean and so there's like a show going on right behind the bartenders but some of these strippers are very um uh seasoned if you will like like they've been they've been at it for decades you know what i mean maybe they gave a lap dance during the civil rights movement you know i'm saying like that's they they've been around this one woman i i was rather entertained she was definitely she was, you know what I mean? I respected her. I respected her until she, until she started talking with her asshole.

I said, Oh, I said, wow. That would cause me to respect somebody more. Yeah. She started doing, she did a whole routine and i was like baby that's funny i said this is a lot because you could because what you know it's like if you ever look at a mountain and you see the stripes of the striations in the mountain that'll tell you how long that mountain has been there you know each striation like a thousand years her butthole had a lot of striations i said i said the 50s the 60s the 70s the 80s okay oh the 10s

i fucking what a treat i yeah i keep i'm like maybe i'll just go to atlanta for a weekend just so i can go to this place because i have only heard the wildest stories from there oh blake anderson from workaholics also on woke uh lived there he was obsessed with it so yeah yeah he bought t-shirts he bought me a t-shirt from there um blake is obsessed with that place we couldn't get we couldn't get blake out of that place um there were times where we were like blake blake no no we got to go to work today is a very important day you have the monologue and he was like fuck you um i'm i'm still counting striations he's like right now i'm in the renaissance i love it yeah he spent all his per diem over there all his per diem i love that okay on that note i guess we should wrap it up because that really got me good lamorne do you know when woke season two is coming

to hulu first quarter of uh next year so well i guess when this airs, it'll be probably out or coming out. Wow. Look at me timing releases. Well, I'm kidding. I don't do scheduling. It's team Coco and whoever your publicist is. Do you have anything else you want to promote?

You know, we, uh, please, please, please folks go ahead and download and listen and like, and subscribe. Welcome to our show. It's the new girl rewatch podcast with me, Zoe Deschanel and Hannah Simone. So please tune in, listen in and you know,

yeah, we'll do that thing. What you guys do when you sign off on podcasts and stuff. I love it. it mars we can cut this part out if lamorne hates it i love that you're doing a recap podcast of the new girls because people have to re-watch the new girl and then you're gonna get resigies and paid for that podcast you want me to cut that out you can keep that in there if you want to keep that in there but also it's nice to get a residual check yeah i'm not mad at it you know what i mean it's a whole new audience and i'll be honest with you the reason why we started doing it was because it had i don't want to say it died off but once we once the show had gone away you

know other shows emerge people moved their attention away from it however what we started to notice was there was this big re-emergence of new girl fans a whole new audience where folks started diving into our show and that you know and you get asked a million questions about the show all the time so we just figured why not just do the podcast we're always at home we're always at home you know what i mean we're always in our trailers and we always have our laptop so it's like let's just talk about the show. I like that. Lamorne, I have a question. I ask all of my guests this.

Would you date me? Oh, duh. What you doing? Oh, I'm going to Africa with you. Oh, yeah. Okay. Bring your water bottle. Because it's been a while. I will.

I'll fill it up. I'll bring a big old CG. Okay. Lamorne, thank you so much for being here. Okay. If you like this episode of, Oh,

I want you to date me. You can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe on Apple podcasts or I don't know, Spotify, wherever the fuck else you listen. But if you write me something dirty to the email I said earlier, I won't say it again.

You have to rewind it and figure it out. I will read it. So Noah wrote, Nicole, I want to shove turkey and mashed potatoes into your puss and have you squat over my face and queef it out into my mouth like I'm a baby bird. Then I'll wipe your pussy juice or no, whip your pussy juice into a topping for some good old pumpkin pie happy thanksgiving oh my god that one really got me because that yeah that's a whole layer. Shoving a bird in, baby birding, whipping. Wow, Noah. I thoroughly enjoyed that one. Lamorne has passed away.

Oh, no. Is that Noah Garfinkel? Who is that? No, it's Noah. I don't want to say their last name because seems rude. He might be married. He might be married. Their partner might be like,

I cannot believe you are sending dirty bird messages to people trying to shove turkeys into them and mashed potatoes. I'm the only oven you're shoving a turkey in. I would love for a couple to have a fight and say, I'm the only oven. But you take too long to preheat. Nicole's a convection oven. Nicole's a convection oven. She's a convection oven. Things are just heating up very quickly. Okay.

Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening.

I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. this has been a team coco production