Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Date Exit Strategy (w/ Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart)

Episode Date: March 15, 2019

"Guys go on Raya just to see how famous of a person they can match with."Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart (This Might Get Weird podcast) discuss their go-to lies to get out of bad dates, share their awful dating experiences, and go through Nicole's Raya profile. Nicole's not feeling so horny and is worried there may be something wrong with her. She also shares an insane meet-cute she had with a very drunk man.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'ED'D'ED'ED'D'D'D'D' O I want to another episode of a lot of the other people who are going to go to the other people who are going to go to the other people who are going to go to the other people who are going to go to the other people who are going to go to the other people who are going to go to the other people who are going to go to the Oh, wow! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single. It's me, Nicole Byer.

I need to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you asked me to give up wigs, I would think about it. Okay. My guests today also have a podcast called This Might Get Weird. Yes, ma'am. And also they have YouTube channels. And they're both in this movie called Dirty 30, which is such a fun movie. It's a real treat. Also a movie called Camp Dakota.

You're crushing this. I mean, can we just put full disclosure, this is your fifth podcast that you're recording today. So I want to just let people know that you are doing so much. So much right now. We're catching you at mile 22 of the marathon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to make sure everyone knows. You've already pissed and shit yourself.

You're dehydrated. This is above and beyond any podcast host could ever do. I just want to give some context. Well, thank you. It's because I'm going to be going on the road a bunch in February. Gotcha. So I was like, got to bank some episodes. For sure.

You know? And it's not an easy thing to do to just talk at and with people for hours on end. But I'm talking about myself, and that's the most interesting topic. Hell yeah. No, it does get to be a little, like when I do them back to back, which is usually how I do them. It does get a little, by the end I'm like, I don't know. No, Grace and I's podcast is like 30 minutes to 45 minutes, and it's just the two of us bullshitting at my own house. And we're still like, I don't know if I have it.

Wait, I haven't introduced you guys yet. Oh, sorry. Jake and Amir are here. Yeah, Jake and Amir. Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart. Wow. We all make our own sound effects. I love it.

You guys are perfect. You're just so great and wonderful. And I've known both of you for a super long time. Well, you and Mamrie were on a mod team together. You guys met years ago. I was going through the history of everything. Yeah, we were on Fambly together. The finest sketch comedy to ever hit the UCB stages.

I mean, I'm not even kidding. We were a very good team. Very funny. We did one sketch that will live forever in my mind called Selling Salads, baby. It's got upwards of 3,000 views on YouTube. And people will tweet at me and be like, you know Mamrie Hart? I'm like, yeah. We did comedy

while in a dungeon. In a little basement with meat drips dripping on us. Occasional wafts of french fries. But my favorite is your Sting homage show. Oh, that was before Nicole was on the team.

She got switched in. We got a pinch hitter. And then all of a sudden, we were the team that had a white woman, a black woman, and a Venezuelan. And a Latina woman. And it was a real dream. I still have random lines from that sketch pop into my head all the time. You mean salad sauce? As I live and breathe.

Sorry. Go watch the sketch. It's great. It's so silly. And then when did you guys meet? Or was it just a random? I think we just known of each other for a long time. And then it was like, I don't honestly know the actual first time we met each other.

Me either. I can't pinpoint it. But I think it was like at the pit. Because you used to do a lot of pit shows. Yeah. And I honestly may or may think it might have been through you of being like I know Nicole and like I was like yeah I know of Nicole and like it was one of the things that just like we've now know each other long story short we're real friends yeah we know each other how long have you guys been friends we have been friends so we also

met on a sketch team we were at the pit at People's Improv Theater. It was my first thing doing comedy ever and Grace was doing improv there and they formed their version of a mod team. And so, yeah, we met on a sketch team. They organized it,

but they didn't audition anyone for this. They just selected people. It was very strange. And then this was their attempt, yeah, like you said, to make mod teams. They were like, we'll just pick people that we know do sketch, put them on teams together.

And Mamrie and I were on a team. And then the very first practice, I was really nervous because everyone on the team was part of the theater. And I'd just taken one class. And then our friend Steve Soroka got me on the team. But the first sketch we ever practiced was called Everybody Loves Grace. And the concept being everyone was pitching sketches to her so they could kiss her and everyone was shitting on me and i was like this is a cool dynamic to meet friends this is a fun time and i was the youngest

female on the team so also a fun dynamic for me yeah boys weird boys are gross that sucks though that's like one of the first sketch memories that you have. It's like a bunch of older men. Let's put these girls against each other. Yeah, being like, let's shit on one woman and like, up, like, praise this one. But then we also did a sketch called Party Starters that I think like solidified us as friends. Or it was like you and I being these two ridiculous characters that just tried to start parties in any sort of environment. Like hired help.

You know, like hired like, come here to this bar mitzvah and you'll be the girls on the dance floor to like try to get the family out. So we were party starters, but we like did it at a funeral. And in an elevator. You can imagine the heightening of that sketch. Oh boy. Sketch. It was quite the runner.

Sketch is very nuanced. Yeah. But we didn't talk for like two years after that. Oh, boy. Sketch was quite the runner. Sketch is very nuanced. But we didn't talk for like two years after that. And then we realized that we lived really close to each other in Brooklyn. And I was doing like YouTube video stuff and you were curious about it. And then like we just kind of got together. We started day drinking. We were Bloody Mary buddies.

Bloody Mary buddies. Yeah. That's the perfect way to put it. I wish I liked a Bloody Mary. People seem to love them. I think I liked a Bloody Mary. People seem to love them. I think it's boozy ketchup. It is. More of a soup. And I'm not a soup girl.

And that's totally fine. I don't like soup. Wow. Hey, that's fine. Who knew this would break us? I'm sorry, but you know what I do like? Ramen. I just discovered ramen.

I saw your Instagram post. Welcome. Thank you. I love thank you i love it to ramen time there's big treats to scoop out oh and you don't really have to deal with the broth unless you want to yes they are like treasures yeah meat treasures noodle treasures yeah veggie treasure yeah a fucking egg treasure can you imagine a soft-boiled egg treasure just lying beneath the mist? Crazy to me. Oh, I love it. So wait, you're single now, yes, Grace?

Yes. Or no? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. And then Mamrie, you are dating someone. I'm like a year and a half in.

Congratulations. Thank you. You're single now? Well, now. It's omnipotent. Always? I'm always single? Yes, I am very single right now.

Are there any in the rotation or any orbiting? There are two orbiting where they keep texting, and I keep being like, okay, I'm free at this time. And then they'll drop off the face of the planet and be like, oh, I'm so sorry for not responding. So it's just like, I don't really care and I'm not going to follow up on it.

If it happens, it happens. They should put in effort. You don't need to. Yes, I agree. But I'm not like, I'm not swiping. I'm not looking. I'm kind of just tired right now. Girl, you've been working your fucking ass off.

So, yeah, you have the permission to be tired right now. Thank you. Because dating is another job. It really is. A hundred percent. It's very exhausting. And then when you're trying to pursue being cool and smart and funny at the same time, oh, you're going to burn out like crazy.

Also, it's just such a time commitment. It's like every hour is precious. And so to get even just like a quick drink with someone, it's like, but I have to get ready. I have to do my makeup. I have to get there. I got to slap on a wig. I got to wear an outfit that makes sense. Right.

You know, it's a lot. My outfit today doesn't really make sense. That's what I wear every single day of my life. This is the glory of podcasts. Yeah, BB. I have my hair in a claw. And it's from my steamroller set that you get one for each steamroller. So this is how I'm looking today.

I like that you've reappropriated it to just hold your hair and not a roller. I don't give a fuck. Upcycle. I love it. Mamrie. Yes. You met your boyfriend on an app. I did, on Bumble. Which means you had to message him first. Yes. What did you say to him that got him hooked?

Wait, you don't know this story? Oh my god. Get ready for this story. If you want to speaking of Camp Dakota, just to lay some ground. Well, this I knew that you had met in the past. So, basically, I went on Bumble, and I was fresh to that app because I did Raya for like nine months, and I just. What was that? Well, you know, everyone's a photographer. Or a DJ.

Or a professional skateboarder. That was going next. No, I, on that app, I like dated a guy for a couple months, but it was super loosey-goosey, but he was a musician. And then I had little trysts here and there, but I just got, like I feel like people, guys go on Raya just to see how famous of a person they can match with but have no intention of actually dating one. But the only guys that go on Raya live in Venice. I know! Which is too far. Yes. No dick is

that good for a 40 minute ride in traffic. I dated a guy for a couple months there and he was a singer and then within a month of dating he had to get... Hold on quote. No, he was actually in like a decent of dating, he had to get – Hold on, quote. No. He was actually in, like, a decent band, but, like, he had to get throat surgery and then couldn't talk for five weeks. And I was like, well –

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I completely forgot about this. I was like, I don't know if he doesn't want to hang. We went and got a lunch, and he, like, seriously just couldn't talk and just charaded. Oh, boy. And I was like, I'm done with this app.

I fully forgot about that era. I would. Oh, it was a terrible era. But that means he was genuinely into you. If he wanted to leave. He's a narcissist that wants to hang out with someone and make their life terrible by being like, come hang out with me and be completely uncomfortable

because I don't want to be alone. No, it was one of those things where it was so cold and I felt like I was the pursuant all the time. And I was like, there's this gaggle of like, you know, like bohemian bitches in Venice. I'm so different from them. And then the second like he blew me off to do something else, I was like, you know what? Why are we? I was like, go do your thing.

I'm excited for you. Live your life. This is fun. I can't wait to see, like, your success. And then it was like, wait, what? So it was one of those, like, now I want. He was like, I liked her chasing me. Now she's done chasing me.

I'm confused. Exactly. And I desire her attention more. If a man had throat surgery, couldn't speak, and invited me out to lunch, I would be like, he's in love with me.

He wanted to sit in silence with just me, and this is good for me. I don't know anything about this and hearing this. I heard it the first time, and I forgot about it. It was so awkward. I don't understand anything that would understand anything that would make we didn't have that much to talk about to begin with so it wasn't that much so it's the same sort of hang that you guys yeah like we

had approximately 10 less words said i wish he had brought a dry erase board, no, he did a couple notes on his phone and then like, charaded and then just like a lot of like, like, but the worst part is, is in my head, I thought, oh God,

am I going to date this guy and then he gets throat surgery and loses his voice and he's a singer and now it's like, oh, you have no career and now I'm like,

your girlfriend has to help you through it. It's all up to me. Mm-hmm. And then you could write a movie about it and profitize. Profitize? Yeah. I believe that word. Be a musician?

Yeah. That's a word, kind of. Profitize? So I got out of that ride game. But then Bumble. Yes. So I went on Bumble because I wanted to meet, like like a normal person who doesn't say they're a DJ. And I went on a couple drinks dates and then I matched with this cute guy named Chip who had like fun bearded photos and traveled a lot. Literally the, when Mamrie ever, when we asked her like what is your type, it was literally the cartoon version of like what her type is.

She was like, I like a guy with facial hair that's like fun loving and southern and blah, blah, blah. I didn't think southern though. I mean, the way that you talked about it kind of leaned towards that in a way. It was just like this person was the person you manifested for yourself. But so I messaged him as you have to do on Bumble. And I said, your name is Chip, which is like a nickname for Charles. And it was like, your name is Chip, and you actually smile with your teeth in photos. Because when you're on Raya, everything is like a steely gaze in the distance, quote unquote candid.

And you're like, you made someone take photos of you because you thought you looked hot right then like that's so unattractive to me and his were like actual real photos with smiles I was like your name is Chip and you smile you must be southern where are you from and he was like I'm about to say something really weird that was the response so I was like oh fuck here we go that's a great start to it

yeah I just like fended off a foot guy like a day earlier a foot guy you know like was asking for feet pics the president of wicky feet to it. Yeah, I just like fended off a foot guy like a day earlier. A foot guy? You know, like was asking for feet pics. The president of Wicked Feet. Yeah. And then I said, alright, like what? And he goes, we worked at Camp Marywood together

12 years ago. We know each other. And I was like, Chip Morgan? Oh my god! Because he's four years younger than me. So he was 18 to my 22. So I was like, you know, child, floppy haired child. So yeah, we worked at an all girls summer camp together in the North Carolina mountains 12 years ago. Why was he at an all girls summer camp?

He worked in the kitchen. Because his uncle worked there. His uncle ran the kitchen, who was one of my friends. And I got like stoned and drunk with his uncle for four summers. So I know his family. And that was the impetus for Camp Dakota it was well Camp Marywood was the impetus for Camp Dakota oh because I got dumped by a college boyfriend and was like I'm gonna go work at an all-girls camp yeah and so that's why I was like man for three months but then you guys just

went to his uncle's wedding recently. It was so strange because this is a guy that like I just got wasted with and hung out with for four summers and then I get there with Chip and he's like

so you nervous to meet my sister? And I was like why? Oh right because that's Chip's mom. It was just very weird. That is weird.

Yeah so. But it's kind of nice that you like kind of already knew some of his family. Yeah. And, like, we have mutual friends. Mm-hmm. You know, camp friends.

And there's something, like, camp is very much a cult. So, like. Sounds like it. You know. So, it's nice that we know that. Yeah. And, like, we know the same very small, tiny thing that we spent a lot of time at. So, yeah.

You guys, he travels a lot, yes? Yes. So you spend a lot of time apart? Yeah. Is that good? Bad? Who's to say? It really works for me.

Okay. I like missing someone, but I also like alone time a lot. Well, it gives you, like, when he's in town, you know, this is the amount of quality time I'm going to spend. And then I'm, like, planning fun dates and, like, you know this is the amount of quality time I'm going to spend. And then I'm planning fun dates. You get really fun time. I meet him on the road because he works on a reality show that travels. But I really love going.

I have two weeks to just write and do my thing and not shave anything and get cute texts. Then he comes to town, you shave your head, and it's a great time. I get my back lasered and we're ready to bone. I love it. Yeah. You guys seem very happy, and it seems really nice, and I could only wish for something like that. Well, let's go and get it.

You guys seem— So far, so good. I still haven't met him. I know, it's crazy. Which is bananas You guys seem... I still haven't met him. I know, it's crazy. Which is bananas to me. But he's very cute. You guys are a very cute couple.

Grace, are you on the apps right now? Are you on the hunt? Are you looking? A little bit here and there, yeah. But it's also, it's just exhausting. And I don't, I'm one of those people that like, I think I know exactly what I want immediately like when I see it and

the idea of getting to know someone that's complete stranger is very terrifying to me like I barely make time to hang out with my friends let alone like an absolute complete stranger like you'd rather promote someone to love her.

Like someone you've met before. Oh, yeah. Someone from inside the company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mutual friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll look around the ether. The call comes from within the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The call's coming from within the house. I'll look around the ether and be like, who do I know that I haven't actually looked at in a certain light before? Who is attractive but I didn't see that until I was single? But it's uh yeah it's just exhausting i uh went through a breakup recently and like i went immediately on the apps as like a distraction quote-unquote healing process a distraction aka like toxic thing i should do for myself uh i then got like it's i don't have games on my phone. And so Raya felt like the game that I had on my phone. And then it was, I just got overwhelmed with it.

It was like really fun until people actually wanted to meet up in real life. And then I was like, no, thank you. I'm cool. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Because I don't know. I'm not well versed in that world enough to know how to like handle those situations when I know if I sit down with someone within the first like minute if I enjoy this person or not

and I'm too nice to not like to create a some sort of like I have to leave scenario so I will sit and wait it out in the moment to think of a good lie that makes sense as to why. What are yours? What's your go-to? I will say, oh boy, my boss just texted and I have to turn in a script tomorrow. See, that's great. I love that you work at this script factory. Gotta get that script in by 8 a.m. I didn't punch out.

Oh, shoot. Well, when boys aren't in the industry, they don't understand that that's not a thing that would ever happen. No, that's very true. Or I say,

I actually have a really early flight in the morning. I thought it was at noon. It's at 5. And he's like, you haven't looked at your phone. Oh, okay.

How did you just realize that? I feel like it's gonna be earlier tomorrow, so sorry. I just know that this is me being off.? I feel like it's going to be earlier tomorrow. So sorry. I just know that this is me being off. Yeah, no, it's – Mamrie is the one that introduced me to Raya the first time. And it was a wonderful app.

And then it's just like – it's a second job. It's like so much work. And so I've like pulled back from it a little bit. Do you do Raya, Tinder? Do you do all of them? Raya, Tinder, Bumble. What's your number one? OKCupid, Hinge, and then two fat lady apps.

What are the fat lady apps called? One is called, I haven't been on in a while because they're not great, Buster and then Woo Plus. Okay, have you ever rated from best to worst the dating apps that you've experienced? Well, right now,

I like Hinge. That means you have someone in common? Allegedly, but my, ooh, I have two messages. Oh, read them out loud. Read them out loud. Okay, he said, hey.

I hate dating apps so much. That's real cool. Just a sick little... Okay, Nicole, can I ask you, please? I can't. Wait, first, we should take a break. Okay. Okay.

Wait, first we should take a break. Okay. Okay. And now we're back. Do you remember your question? I do. That was a long break. I mean, I'm so proud of you for having that sponsor. Thank you for allowing me to do 10 minutes of yoga.

Thank you. God bless that sponsor. Thank you. It might have been Squarespace. Who knows? Who knows? Have you had people that, this is not to sound narcissistic, that know you for what you do? Yes.

Yeah. How do you handle that situation? I handle it in a way where if you mention that you know what I do and you're cool with it and can move on, then I'm like, okay, this is good. Yeah. It means that I could bring you around my friends and you won't be weird about it yeah um and then if somebody starts to like interview me like asking like so many questions then i'm like okay this is no bueno yeah like i went out with somebody and they had come to my show and then we saw a person there who was like pretty famous at the show and they were like oh I have to

I want to meet them and I was like no no no no no we don't do that because essentially we're co-workers we were on the same show

I don't want this date to be like it's too much it reflects on you yeah yeah follow up question

have you ever gone on a date with someone and then while you're there they reveal like I love you on this? You know but they didn't in the lead up? Yes.

Oh god. And that one feels a little like you're kind of hiding something and then like cause you have a you know something that I don't know. It's not fully catfish but it's like half fished. It's a filet of catfish. A filet of catfishing. Yeah but they kind of half fished it's a filet of catfish a filet of catfishing kind of half fished

you but then also you got noodled i guess i prefer if they don't say it on the app because then i'll go to the date like i'll be like i don't know i don't know like i don't know what you're gonna say to me i don't know i had one guy on an app who was like we started talking i think we went back and forth maybe two three times then he was he was like, I'm going to say something weird, but I know you. Kind of like Chip. But he didn't know me. He just had seen me on TV. Then he was like, is that weird?

I was like, no, it's not weird. It's just people have expectations and that gets weird. He's like, what? Our first date won't be like nailed it? I was like, no. I see that you were doing a joke. I have one guy that's like continuously following up that is like my 2012 self would be so bummed that I missed an opportunity to like hang out with Grace Helbig. And I'm just like, I haven't responded to a single thing.

I don't think I've shown you the follow up. I've shown you the original. However, a recent thing, which I love, which I'll keep in very vague terms, is that someone was like all up in Grace's online dating grill and then Grace got together with a friend and like found out that person was also dating someone else we knew oh like yeah like a crossing streams sorry I'm going off mic they're now whispering I don't know if it's figured out yet but just finding out like yeah it's when you and a friend are both online dating the same person. I found out that yeah this dude messaged me

and then found out through talking to an actual like comedian friend that they had been like dating at the time and I was like

seriously dating them and it was like a very I was just like this guy is crazy. Yeah and it seems like he's got a comedian fetish to date two comics

at the same time. Like you don't know each other? We look very similar. Oh, that sucks. It's a weird thing. I just was like, I don't know if the girl code is being like, hey, this is, I didn't know. Well, we got a girl from girl code. Yeah.

What is a girl code? You wrote the Bible, right? I did, but you know they didn't pay me. code yeah there's a whole ass girl code book where they used our likeliness and then are you serious nobody got paid for it you know that they oh yeah no i got yeah i would love to say about girl code Girl Code. I will listen on Girl Code. Ooh, we could talk after. Yes, this is an offline conversation. Yes. I think it's fine if you told her that this dude was talking to you. Yeah, I didn't know until after I told her that he was actually, like, they were dating. And then I was like, I felt bad, but then I also didn't feel bad because it's like, if I were her, I would also want to know.

You'd want to know. She was already confirmed that this person was a piece of shit to her. And then this just like, you know, added on. If anything, it's a comfort to be like, oh, he's even worse than I thought. And also that I'm not pursuing this person at all, that I thought this person is crazy and I haven't responded. This person's crazy. I have proof. And yeah, that's not like I'm continuing a conversation with this person's crazy and I haven't responded. This person's crazy. And now I have proof. And yeah, that's not like,

I'm continuing a conversation with this person. I bet there's weirdos out there that specifically try to like, talk to people who are friends. I don't know. Which is so crazy and diabolical. Yeah. Who's got the time?

Do you create different profiles on different dating apps? What do you mean? With like different, like I'm like a different person? Like this is the Tinder version of Nicole versus. It's all the same across the board? I think it's all the same. I have a picture where I'm holding a big old dildo. Yes.

Which is like my barometer that like if you, great. It's like a good talking point. This is the gate that like you get through. Yes. That is like my barometer that like if you, great, it's like a good talking point. This is the gate that like you get through. Yes. That we can talk. You mentioned it's comically large and you have something witty to say or you don't. You're just like, oh, that's big. Oh, no.

If there's like one tiny dildo, I'd like to get you a bigger one. I want to get you a real big one. A life-size one. You are doing everyone a favor by giving them a talking point to reach out to you yeah and then if we can move past it you've passed the test yeah a hundred percent that's why i keep it up people are like take it down i'm like uh it's the dildo test and if you don't like realistically end of the day like you don't want to date someone that doesn't look at that photo and think that's the funniest coolest funny, funny, like, best thing about you.

Yes. So, like, that is the actual gateway to getting to know you. And, like, someone who's secure with their dick. Yeah. I've had dudes be like, oh, my dick isn't that big. It's actually pretty tiny. So if that's what you're looking for, I might not be it. I'm like, why?

Why did you message me? Why did you message me to tell me that you have a small dick? They think it's funny? I don't know. I think it's just like, well, maybe she'll go out with me and then she'll see and then she'll be so sad. And I'll just soften the blow just right up top. Oh, God. Okay, I have another question.

Yeah? Because it's fascinating to me. So on Raya, when you have a song to compliment your montage slideshow, what was your song? You have three guesses. My Neck, My Back. Yes! What? Wait! Is that actually it?

Yes, it is. I cannot believe you got that on the first try. But I guess it's pretty on game. Oh, my God. Yep, it is my neck, my back. Well, that game was fun and fast. It was very fun, very fast. Where is my Raya?

Can we see it? Yep, yep, yep. I mean, mine is who let the dogs out. So it's very different. And then it also like is an open door to be like, I've had many people be like, I'm the one. I let the dogs out. And I'm like, oh, fuck off. Great. I'm so

glad that you thought that was funny. Yay! People like that you thought that was funny. People like to message me with, nailed it. It's real fun. Also, people, this one guy hit on me. He was like, I'd like to fuck you, but specifically wearing the golden baker's cap, which is something we give someone on the show. Yeah, no, that's a bad thing. That's a bad thing to say. Here it is. Okay, yes. the show. Yeah, no, that's a bad thing. That's a bad thing to say.

Here it is. Okay, yes, looking at that right. Oh, that profile photo is beautiful. Thank you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God. This is perfect.

There's so many gorgeous photos. You gave so many photos. Oh, I put so many up. I wanted to use as much of the song as I could. Yes, professional hair and makeup photos. That is a great profile. Thank you. And I love that that's your song.

It's really a perfect balance of like, I'm a fun idiot and also like, I am beautiful at the same time. And then my profile only says I didn't come here to make friends XOXO Gossip Girl. And very few people will comment on that. No. I put on mine like it says career and I said who cares to make this

on Riot. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a shit? I should just put just hyphens. Just put the word hyphens. I'll just put not a DJ and then that'll be sufficient enough. Maybe I'll put multi-hyphenate whatever you want me to be. Oh, no, that'll entice the wrong audience. Really? Everyone is just trash.

It's true. We're all trash. Dating is such an exhausting thing. Yeah. Where I just want to meet. I want like a meet cute where like I don't know. When's the last time that you met someone in person

like without a dating app that you genuinely like followed up with. I mean like maybe like a friend of a friend or something at a party or whatever. When's the last time that that happened? About two weeks ago I met this drunk man. We're off to a great start.

His name is Charlie. I'm 100% sure. He could go by Chip. He could go by Chip. That's Chip's name? I met him at a bar. Isn't that also your dog's name? Yeah, Charlie.

So I could date a man named Charlie and have a dog named Charlie, and they'd be one and the same, let's get real. The universe is putting things together yeah he was flexing loudly in a bar like actual flexing like flexing his arms

and flexing his calves oh not just like internet flexing like saying things that were like weird flex no no not a weird flex

like literally like while like curling his thighs he was doing world's strongest man in a bar yes and his friend

kept being like hey man you can flex but like why do you have to be so loud about it? Wait, one that he's flexing and that he thinks that's okay

and then his friend thinks it's okay but tells him he has to be quiet about it. What bar was this? Who was this group? It was in Hollywood. It was just these two people.

So he was flexing for the friend. It was just a friend who was like kind of supportive but not really it was a weird hype band yes so then i invited charlie to sit with me and my friend because i was like i love him so we start talking he's honestly very crazy at one point he just blew into his drink splashed everywhere and then he turned and looked at me and went did you see what I did? I was like yes wait like he was blowing

bubbles into milk as a child? no no you know how you blow on like soup he was blowing into it but blew too hard child proud and then he like kissed my cheek a bunch and was like your skin is so soft and I was like okay

cool Charlie did you exchange numbers? a bunch and was like, your skin is so soft. And I was like, okay. Cool, Charlie. Stick to the apps, I guess. Did you exchange numbers? Of course I did. I, in the moment, was like, I'm gonna marry this man. He's on another level. I've never been more

pleased. And I asked him what he did. He was like, I work at a t-shirt company. I was asked him what i what he did he was like i work at a t-shirt company i was like i love this and he's like well i used to be a drug dealer no he's a member of jersey short i mean it was the situation it was a little better before jail gotta go to jail for a little bit i'm gonna engage but like it's okay it's okay don't worry we could say it for a little bit uh I'm going to engage, but like, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry. We could stay for a little bit. We did exchange numbers and then we went our separate ways. And then he texted me that night and was like, where are you?

And I was like, I'm at my house. And he was like, come over. And I was like, I'm not, I don't live by you. And he's like, well, where do you live? And I was like, not by you. And then he called me. Oh, no. And I was like, I've been there.

I've been drunk. This is fine call above a FaceTime he called called he called called okay and then maybe he also FaceTimed

I don't remember call call was first FaceTime I think yeah you can't FaceTime me to a new one although this one guy I was dating he seemed pretty bold

I thought Charlie was a FaceTime guy but also like out of the gate okay I have a question after this but go ahead okay so then I didn't pick up

and then I was like I'm not coming over tonight. Then he texted me the next day and was like, yeah, wild night. So sorry. And I was like, yeah, it's okay. And then he was like, yeah, I don't really feel good. And I was like, okay. And then we were texting back and forth. And then he was, he said something. And I was like, well, you should take me out for drinks. And then nothing. No. And then like three days later, texted me at like 11. I was like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, I think he just wants to fuck.

And maybe one of these days I'll be down to fuck. But right now, I'm not. Okay. Not right now. I haven't been horny lately. I was talking about that with my therapist and she kind of laughed at me. Well, horny is your brand, so it's tough when you don't feel it. Like one day I woke up and I was like, I don't think I'm very horny.

I think that means that you're like really. What is this lack of tingle? Yeah, I feel like that means that you're like really proud in the actual like creative work that you're doing. Like maybe that's what you're getting off on. Maybe. Actually being satisfied in like being an amazingly hilarious woman. That might be it. Or tired. Fell asleep masturbating last night. No, last night no no no i know grace is building you up and i was

like you might just be sleeping babe i think you might just need to go on vacation yeah and that and like and like stella then you'll get your groove back um wait grace how long was your last relationship uh it was like a year and a half oh wow i didn't realize it was your last relationship it was like a year and a half oh wow I didn't realize it was that long yeah it was pretty long may I ask who broke up with who or is it too personal you can tell me I will say it's too personal right now would appreciate not talking about it

no sure honestly that's what I figured no it's a yeah it's a work in progress but also like from both ends a very like it's not a we're both being very nice to each other. That is nice, adult, respectable. We're trying to be adult, but also there's obvious.

Sure. Whatever. I mean, breaking up is hard to do. Oh my God, you're onto something to do. Oh, my God. You're on to something. Maybe put a beat behind it. Except I've never gotten to break up with anybody. Wait. Okay.

Oh, actually, that's a lie. Well, we weren't, like, officially together. But, like, this dude that I, like, had this thing with texted me when he was, like, back in town. And I was like, I can't fuck you anymore because it hurts my feelings you hurt my feelings and here are the reasons why and it was a long

long scrolling text and he just responded with I don't really understand where you're coming from and I was like cool and that's more evidence that we are done yes got it

but then I put it in bullet points because I was like maybe the paragraph was too much weren't easy enough for him to read and then I did a powerpoint and then I went to his home and fucked him

oh god wait but so you want like straight up relationship monogamous you want to be off the market is your your podcast is gonna suffer if you get no you gotta be single for your art don't do that no i'm don't put that on me is it weird to build a brand off of like being single right um good question how big that is sorry i forgot that we're not on my podcast right now to build a brand off of like being single? Right. Good question, Halbig. That is a very good question. I forgot that we're not

on my podcast right now. I'm hiding it. Grace has assumed host mode. I love it. I guess I don't think my brand is that I'm single. I think my brand, if we're going to,

you know, say it like that, is I'll talk about my personal life as it's happening. No, that's the cool thing that I honestly wanted to talk about. It's like Mamrie and I starting our new podcast, I think for us has been the most wonderful, rewarding thing that we can be as free as we want to be. That we haven't been able to be in videos, whatever. And so we get to talk about shit that like no one knows about no one's ever heard like our parents are unfortunate to listen

to but like it's uh becoming a really wonderful space for us to be able to talk about that that like for you how much of this is like you talking about your dating world versus, like, you actually wanting to date someone. I know this is your fifth podcast of today. So this is not a question that I should ask you. I know. I'm sorry. I'm like, this is not what I should have done. No, but it's so interesting. Because, like, your candidness while being able to do shit, like, nailed it and, like, be an actual host.

Like, that balance is so fucking amazing and inspiring i think to both of us but then it's like you are so candid on this podcast but it's like where do you draw the line because i think we are kind of figuring that out for ourselves right now too i won't talk about anybody who i feel serious enough about just in the present because, like, we haven't been together for – because I haven't really had anything last more than, like, two and a half months, three months. Sure. So, like, I haven't gotten to a point where I'm like, oh, do you mind if I talk about this? Right. Because it's, like, it's still early, so, like, why would I want to talk about that?

Yeah. But, like, if we've been on, like on four dates and I never talk to you again, I'll talk about it. Then I don't care. But anything that means something to me, I'm not going to talk about. And that has been hard, because Marissa has to cut a lot of things out.

I'm sure. That's why maybe this is an offline conversation, but I wonder where you draw the line on what you talk about. I draw the line at if I care about you and it's presently happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So like if I were

to get a boyfriend, I probably wouldn't say anything about it until, I don't know, probably like a year in. So it's like a pregnancy. You'll be like, we're going to have to get

into our third trimester before we really discuss this. Before I actually admit. Don't want to jinx the relationship for that baby. Of course, of course, of course. It's a little baby relationship.

It is a weird balance, though, because I do, because I'll talk about things that are currently happening on stage because that's not recorded for forever. And then if I see someone recording, I'm just like, hey, this is a work in progress, please stop. So I'll talk about it on stage, just not on a medium where it lasts forever. Yeah.

I feel you. Yeah, I feel. No, that makes so much sense. Yeah, no, that's literally, this is just, like, a personal question of, like, as we're getting more personal in our podcast, of being, like, as someone that is so candid, how do you, do you have lines that you draw?

And it's really wonderful to hear that like yeah you do i do and then i nailed it because we do shoot for 10 hours for a singular episode um i if like they i wear an ifb so producers are talking to me yeah and if they feed me something that i'm like oh they love this idea and I genuinely hate it and I feel like they're going to use it. I just won't do it. Yeah. And then. And they'll like prod me later.

Like I forgot about the thing I didn't want to do. As if you didn't purposely ignore what they told you to do. But like without fail, like two hours later, they'll be like, say this. And I'm like, oh, no. Yeah. Like, uh-uh. We can't. That takes such balls.

That's amazing. That's very, very cool. And I think that's what makes that show the coolest. It's like, I wouldn't know. I mean, I'm too much of a pushover that I would probably do anything that was said in my ear and something like that. I admire you for doing that. No, because you've got to remember that it's you on the screen. I know.

And their name just flitters across the screen at some point. So it's like, if that feels wonky, I'm not doing it. That is the most inspiring thing. That's the coolest thing that you're like. And I think that's why, sorry to like now reiterate like why you're cool. I'm just watching this go down. I'm just watching a little. Thank you.

It's very inspiring to just see the dichotomy and the balance of seeing you on a Netflix baking quote-unquote show that my parents would want to watch. And then also be so completely candid. That I'm like, oh, she gets the best of both worlds. I love it so much. Teach me your ways. It's so fun. It is fun that the show is family friendly because they could have cut it like four different ways. Sure, yeah.

Because I do say a lot of terrible things. I'm sure you give options. Also, I feel like they should cut together like, here's the cut a new floor Nicole jokes I don't think they can because I think if you would look up the show nailed it like kids would find it

I don't know do you get any access to like do you have anything in your contract that says can you cut the grossest things

I've ever said together and I've asked editors to do it and they haven't or I asked a producer to ask an editor and she was like I'll try

and I was like I don't think you will yeah no no a lot. Or you ask a producer to ask an editor and she was like, I'll try. And I was like, I don't think you will. Yeah, no, no, no. A lot of times you ask people to do things and they don't do it. Here's a prime example. I went to my favorite restaurant

in New York City. Which one? It's called Toast. It's on 125th. I don't go up that far. Nobody does, but I fucking love it. Also, their website used to say

it was truck stop gourmet, so that's to give you an idea of what I like to eat. It's trash. And welcome to the club. There were it was like packed

there was like no seats so I asked the server I was like can you go over to a table you're dropping a check and tell them I'll pay for their check if they get the fuck up.

Because it's not that expensive I was like I'll probably drop 60 bucks that's not that bad I can do that. That's the most amazing thing I've ever I've never heard of that before. I haven That's not that bad. I can do that. That's the most amazing thing I've ever. I've never heard of that before.

I haven't either. Me either. I made it up. And we've all worked in this service industry. I've never, ever seen anyone do that before. Well, you're only helping the server by turning the table. You should 100%. You need to coin it.

You need to name this something. And then you go there and you're like, the buyer. Should we buyer this? Let's buyer this. And then the server came back and was like, nobody bit. And I was like, you didn't ask anybody. So then I went up to a table of five boys and I was like, I'll pay your fucking check if you get the fuck out of here. And then one boy immediately went, we'll do that.

And then the other one was like, well, he's like, no, we'll do it. And then it was like 60 bucks. I was right. Yeah, because the one boy knew that he was going to pay for the whole table anyway. Right. The guy who was apprehensive was like, I only got fries. Yeah. I should order more.

I'm a plus one. There's no T-bone. Can we do stuff to go? Yeah. So then I like paid their check. That's such a baller move. And then they weren't moving fast enough. And I was like, get the fuck out.

But then I laughed. So it was like, get the fuck out. But then I laughed. So it was like, it's cool. And then we sat our asses down and it was glorious. And I was like, I'm going to do this whenever I want. Was that you and Sasheer? No. Oh, because I could just picture Sasheer being like, just watching it. She would hate it.

Just watching it and being like, oh, here we go. She would be like, why? She's doing her move. She's just being so embarrassing. There was one time I sobbed in the car with her because I pulled too far into the intersection and then the light turned red and then I was like half in the intersection, half not.

Oh no, I hate that. But you know you're not going to get a ticket. Like that's a suggestion. No, I was just embarrassed that everyone knew I couldn't drive and I started sobbing you full on D oh no Cher was the one

who couldn't drive in Clueless correct I was like Cher Horowitz it's like you walked out on stage for karaoke and you didn't know the song that you suggested

yes and you're just you're like egg on my face egg and just fully started crying a Kathy cartoon yeah I fucking love Kathy.

I do too. Ack! That's my favorite thing. That's my favorite emotion. I have two Kathy t-shirts. It was very hard to find them. Have they done a human Kathy movie? No.

And I would love to play Kathy. I would love to play Kathy. I support it a thousand percent. Can I be a co-worker? Yes, please. Okay, we're shopping this. Let support it a thousand percent. Can I be a co-worker? Yes, please. Okay, we're shopping this. Let's write a Kathy movie. Hello, excuse me, Mr. Netflix.

Can I have a Kathy movie? Absolutely. Ugh, what a dream. I think we're on to something. I love Kathy. Also, have you seen The Real Life Kathy? No. Yes.

A beautiful woman. Beautiful woman. And she also, she's written like a bunch of stuff. It's not just Kathy. I think so, yeah. Yeah, she ain't Kathy. It's definitely based on like her sister or somebody. Oh, maybe.

I'm just guessing. Or her like sloppy claws. Sloppy cousin. Woo! Woo! And then her cousin's like, is that based on me? No, you're Kathy's with a K. No, yes. This is based on my me? No, you're Kathy's with a K. No, yes.

This is based on my imagination. No, you always say, ugh. She says, ah. You say, ugh. I can't even believe you'd think I'd do that to you. You say, ugh. I want to meet Kathy with a K. Uh-huh.

Ugh. It's like a ripoff Bart Simpson. Oh, that'd be so funny. Let's make that merch. Let's make Kathy with a K who says, Well, we've come to an end. Nicole, I can't believe that you've had five hours of this. And then I have a show tonight.

No, fuck you. Get the fuck out of here. Are you doing like 10 or are you doing an hour? No, I'm not even doing stand-up. I'm doing monologues at ASCAP, which will be easy peasy. I talk for, I don't know, 10 minutes and then I'll go home. Yeah, you got a big night in? I'm going to have a great big night in.

I think I'm going to watch a movie. Get it. R. Kelly documentary is. Oh, it's a bummer. And I hate that it took a documentary for people to go. He bad? It's like he's been fucking bad. There was literally video of him urinating on someone.

And we were like, well, that's not it. It was like 14. Yes. It was like, what was it? Watching black women cry on screen? Like, what made this turn? Even still, this series is not like, ugh, it's insane. It's just surface level stuff and it's upsetting.

It's insane. It's insane. It's crazy. R. Kelly, you're a bad man. You're canceled. Hey, R. Kelly, have you listened to my podcast? Stop right now. I don't like you. We Kelly, have you listened to my podcast? Yeah. Stop right now. I don't like you.

We want to leave you on this high note. Yes. That was my whole mission. Listen to our podcast. This might get weird. Well, do you have anything you guys want to promote? No, we're just really excited about this podcast. It's very fun.

It's like a snack of a podcast, like 45 minutes. We're shooting the shit. It comes out every Wednesday on iTunes and wherever you consume your podcasts. And then we're available online. And you guys do live shows

of your podcast? We did our first live just this past weekend in San Francisco at Sketch Fest. Nice. And it was a fucking blast. Yeah.

It was so much fun and we're going to do one at South by Southwest and we're just figuring it out, you know? We don't want to be like, hey, we're a brand new thing. Come buy tickets. Like, we want to grow the community. A work in progress.

Well, you don't get it. You've been best friends for a long time. I think it's great. I don't really listen to podcasts because— I listen to very few. Well, it's really hard because I have opinions. And so you can't talk back to them

if I say them out loud no one responds to me yes that's like honestly my problem with podcasts you're like I have something to add I have something to say

it's pre-recorded you don't care this is an open dialogue it sucks will you come do our podcast of course I would love to that'd be great it'd be a real treat and I love you gals I've done an impression of you do our podcast? Of course. I would love to.

That'd be great. It'd be a real treat. And I love you, gals. I've done an impression of you on our podcast. Someone tweeted that at me. They were like, it was so good. Do it. Wait, do it now.

Wait, do it now. I don't know. It was in the moment. You just started. But I don't know. I just think it's a delight. Am I? Oh, it's a delight. Am I? Oh, it's a real good one. It's a lot of like, no.

Me? I thought I meant some more. See, because I think me and you, we both have a similar, like, were we born in the 40s vibe? Yeah, you have a very, yeah, vaudevillian kind of tone to you guys. I had no idea I sounded like that until someone said that I have a weird cadence and I put weird emphasis on weird words in the middle of a sentence. I'd be like, ah, I went to a store. I was like, well, why did you say it like that? And it's unpredictable, and I love it.

I didn't realize until somebody told me. But you guys are so similar in that way. We do have a very weird way of speaking. We're very vaudevillian. Yeah, you're so vaudevillian, and it's very fun. We should time travel. Wait, I was just trying to do it. Oh, no!

We both just started rocking our shoulders back and forth. You guys are shimmying. I'm like, what's your song, My Neck? You're like, that is my song. I don't know why you guys. That was very funny because I started moving and I looked up and you were also moving. Doing the same exact move. Just at the same time, just shimmying your shoulders.

I do love a wig. The medium between a wiggle and a shimmy. Yeah. I don't know what it's called. A shimmy your shoulders. I do love a wig. The medium between a wiggle and a shimmy. A shim-a-gle. A shiggle. Sounds like a slur. I backed off of it very quickly. I said it out loud, but I wasn't happy

about it. Well, thank you for having us, Nicole Byer. Thank you for having me. I can't wait to pull your restaurant move. I will record it when i do it please do and let me know how it goes so if you like this episode of why won't you date me subscribe fucking listen and stuff if you send me a nasty little dm i will read it out loud diesel said hey there you thick delicious chocolate. So where the fuck is the internet at? And he's referencing or she's referencing an episode where I couldn't figure out where the internet was.

I still don't know where it is. No one knows. If it's a location. I don't know. Hoob somewhere. And then this person said, hey, you dumb pig, you. Jesus Christ. FYI, I would date you,

but you'd have to be okay with only rimming an anal and the occasional devil's threesome to satisfy my stronger desires. So I think that's a gay man who is saying that I'll do. He's saying you'll do, pig, you'll do.

And he's referencing this other podcast where I was talking about loving nicknames. Like that'll do, pig, you'll do. And he's referencing this other podcast where I was talking about loving nicknames. Like, that'll do, pig, like the film Babe? Well, I was like, I think I want someone to call me pig. And then realized that, like, maybe I don't. You gotta hear it out loud. You know? I have a lot of things in my brain where I say them out loud.

And I'm like, no, that's not it. Well, that's it. Okay. We love you, that's not it. Well, that's it. Okay. If you want to say, oh, as I live and breathe. Yeah, watch, please watch Selling Salads on YouTube.com. Yeah, let's get some new hits on Selling Salads. Okay, bye-bye. this has been a team coco production