Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating a Groupie (w/ Steph Tolev)

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

Comedian Steph Tolev joins Nicole to discuss what it's like to date a groupie, getting matching tattoos with her partners, her experience dating a 60 year old, and shares SOOO many crazy awful dating stories. Plus, is it weird if your parent keeps in touch with your ex? The answer is YES. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could steal every piece of furniture from my house and go, I guess you gotta sit on the floor now, bitch.

My guest today is a hilarious Juno-nominated stand-up comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She's the host of Steph Infection, a podcast all about the gross and weird things related to the body. Also, she's all over social media with her clips from stand-up seas. I am so thrilled to have her here today. It is Steph Tolove! Wait, is it Tollev or Tolev?

The second way you said it, Tolev, yes. It's Steph Tolev. Tolev. Yeah. Oh, no. You got it. Oh, no. I felt like you were coming in hot with that intro.

I'm like, she's got to know how to say it. There's no way she doesn't. Well, it's funny because I thought I did. And then I said it and I was like, I think that's wrong. Yeah, I think you second-guessed yourself. I think in your head you knew what it was, and then you started telling yourself you didn't, and then you didn't know. And then I fucked it right up. Steph, how are you?

I am well. How are you? Listen, I'm okay. I have a little bit of a headache, but other than that, life is good. I love it. Wait, so you have a boyfriend now? I do. But before we get into that, I just want to say I also just did a voice on something today and they said you were just there and you were great. I want to let you know that. Oh, what was it? It's called 10 year old Tom.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I was just there recording a couple of days ago. Yeah. That's nice that they talk about me. Oh, my God. They did. It was very nice. And I was like, I know her. I'm actually recording her podcast. I know her. I know that dumb bitch. Wait, Steph, tell me about this boyfriend. How did it happen? When did it happen? So let's, let's preface this by, I have been asking you, I feel like people don't hound you to get in the podcast. I've never hounded anyone in my life the way I messaged you to get on the air. I have been wildly single, wildly, beyond single for over 10 years. That's a long time.

I think it's a long time. It is a long time. I've been single for 30, 39 years, 42 years, 87 years, however fucking old I am. 87 years. Also, whatever the hell this bit is you're doing with the boyfriend, man, did I fall into it. A lot of people did. I don't get it. I was so happy for you.

I'm so happy. I know. A lot of people were happy. And my friend Marcy was like, what is the bit that someone would like date you publicly? And I was like, I guess that is the bit. I don't know. But yeah, you know, I talk about I talk about it in therapy enough that I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. OK, well, I just want to say I was so happy for you.

I literally I'm sure we all went to his profile. I was like, your name's his profile. It was a big thing. Anyways, I just want to let you know I was very happy. And now I'm looking like a couple. Now I'm upset. OK, I will also say I'm sorry. was very happy and now you guys look like a good couple and now i'm upset okay i will also say i'm sorry let me help you find somebody because i i just my best friend uh just proposed to my manager um and i set them up and they are about to be married i'm very good at setting people up

okay then set me up with someone please what do you do then here we go i'm gonna start sifting through and then we'll find somebody but i have i do a boyfriend i have a boyfriend he's here right now i don't know where he is he actually, he's walking my dog for me. We met in Salt Lake City. Is he from Salt Lake City? He is. And he still lives there. So. Okay. So what is, what does this long distance relationship look like? Well, that's the thing. It's very hard. It's also, you know, when you haven't had a relationship for a very long time, you, you try and you want to make it. It's so far so thing. It's very hard. It's also, you know, when you haven't had a relationship for a very long time, you try and you want to make, it's so far so great.

Everything's working. We met at a comedy club. He was a fan. Excusez-moi. Oh, that's nice. My goodness. I know, I know. He saw me on the Netflix

Bill Burr's Presents thing. And then he saw that I was coming to town and his best friend apparently saw a poster for me outside of Wise Guys. His best friend's like, oh, don't you like that girl? You should go see her show. So he came alone.

And we all know, I don't know if it's the same as you, I think the Thursday shows are my favorite night. Thursdays are my favorite. I love them. And I like Saturdays. Really? Yeah.

I don't like Fridays. Fridays are bad. I just had the worst Friday night show probably of my whole career. In Dallas, it was unbelievable. Everyone don't like Fridays. Fridays are bad. I just had the worst Friday night show probably of my whole career. Dallas was unbelievable. Everyone yelled the whole time. I was like, it was crazy.

He comes by himself and he's sitting a bit far back. I remember this because I have a joke where I say, who likes to mullet and usually no straight men clap? And he was like, who the hell is that pervert? So I squinted out to see who it was and I was like, oh, he's actually good looking. Usually when people yell out, he was like, who the hell is that pervert? So I like squinted out to see who it was. And I was like, oh, he's actually good looking. Like usually when people yell out, they're like, you know, a disgusting slob.

And I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. I find him very hot. And then during the show, he became part of the joke and I kept making fun of him a bit. And then after I'm selling merch and he is in the line, I can see him waiting. He's all nervous and weird. I'm like, what is this fucking weirdo doing? And then he comes up and he's like, Hey, I'm the guy. I'm

like, I know who you are. You idiot. I'm like, he's very cute. He leaves, you know, he's lurking for a while. Big lurk. He leaves. And then, uh, he slipped into the DMS. Oh, oops. But a good slip. What did he say? I'm sure we get, sometimes I get people like, I had one after the birthing, a guy saying he wanted to hold back my mullet while he ate sushi off my body. And I'm like, that's just gross. Frankly, that's disgusting. Also, my body looks already like sushi. We don't need to be eating the similar textures and jiggling.

Anyways, he slipped in and he said, I don't know exact, but it was roughly like, hey, you're probably never going to see this, but the off chance you do, I think you're hilarious and beautiful. Those are two words that we like to hear. Especially as comedians, I'm like, beautiful. And he's like, and I know you're here for a few days.

I'd love to take you for a drink. If you get this, let me know. If not, no worries. You're still hilarious. I's like, and I know you're here for a few days. I'd love to take you for a drink. If you get this, let me know. If not, no worries. You're still hilarious. I'm like, okay. Immediately I'm like, also, and Salt, I know fucking no one there. So I immediately messaged him back. I'm like, hey, hi. Hello, let's go for a drink. And he's like, okay. Then we end up going out Friday.

I don't, yeah, Friday or is it Saturday? Saturday night. So Friday night, I was supposed to go on another date with a guy off Tinder that I met there. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm like, I'm not doing this. So we go out Saturday night. It. So Friday night, I was supposed to go on another date with a guy of Tinder that I met there and I'm like, fuck it. I'm not doing this. So we go out Saturday night. It was a Friday night. I don't remember what day it was. Friday night and then... It's okay. It was at some point during the weekend.

It's a blur. Why does it matter what day it was? Friday night, we go to this... I want to go to a dive bar. He immediately gets a nosebleed. At the bar? Oh yeah. Like three minutes in i was like this is oh no i know i'm like this is bizarre and he's like i'm sorry i'm so embarrassed i'm like i'm like nervous right now and i was like okay and then he goes to the bathroom i'm like what am i doing here

i'm like this guy's a fucking weirdo why is this nose bleeding this psychotic and then we ended up joe i'm like he was very easy to talk to like you know his comics he wasn't trying to be funny he doesn't want comedy which i asked him i'm like what do you do easy to talk to. Like, you know, his comics, he wasn't trying to be funny. He doesn't want comedy, which I asked him. I'm like, what do you do? Please God, tell me if you want to be a comedian. I'm like, we're done here. I can't even fuck you. I can't even fuck you right now.

And then the night went on and we got along very well. Then we went back to my Airbnb and we fucked. Cause I was like, I was assuming it was one night stand. And he said, okay, I okay i gotta tell you this because he said something that was so insane that this made me like lose my mind i fucked disgusting men let's just start with that i don't think i've had the lights on during sex since nom they're always off i am like in pitch black i hate my body i hate their body as well uh-huh so we had the lights on fully on and like i wouldn't take off his glasses at one point and he's like no no keep them on i

want to see your body and i was like what i'm used to guys spitting in my face and turning me around oh okay this this is a different tone that is really. I want to see your body. I know. And I'm like, you, and I was so alarmed. Like you do. And then he got my phone number and he said his parents weren't in town. Then I'm like, okay,

whatever. I don't care. He's like, can I get your number? I'm like, again, whatever. We're never going to talk.

He calls me the next day. I'm like, hello. Hey, he's like a random question. Do you want to come to my niece's birthday on Sunday? I'm like, what are you fucking talking about

we just met I'm like this guy's mentally ill I'm not going to his niece's fucking birthday this is crazy but I'm like I will have lunch with you so we met like I was driving to Denver so we met halfway a bit in the middle for him like not far for him like I was on my way to Denver

we ate at a diner and then we fucked in the back of my Subaru. Nice! In the back of the Subaru! Classic, classic. How did you meet your father? Well, it was the back of the Subi and I hit my head a few times. And then we had like the

craziest romantic weekend of our lives in Telluride. There's a comedy festival there, Telluride, Colorado. He drove six hours and then we had like the craziest romantic weekend of our lives in telly ride um there's a comedy festival there telly ride colorado he drove six hours and then it was like our first official like hangout and it was us three days in a hotel together and it was it was nice it was nice and i was like okay i like this man and now i kind of want to date him but i'm like you fucking live in salt lake city so how's this gonna work and we're making it work. Oh my God. That's so nice. Yeah. Wait. And how long has it been? Six months. He has two kids with an ex-wife. He is also ex-Mormon. So there's going to give you all the juice here. That's fun. But his best

friend's a pilot. So he gets flight benefits. Oh, that's definitely, that's definitely helping. And it's not an expensive flight. And also it's not a long flight. It's like two hours away. It's so funny though. Cause when I first like dating out here, I'm like, if I imagine the guy who lives in Venice, I'm like, Venice, like I'm driving to Venice. Are you kidding me? And now you're like, I'm flying to Salt Lake City. And I've driven out there a few times and it's 10 hours. And I'm like, and now I'm driving 10 hours with my fucking dog like a psychopath?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Wait, can you not fly with your dog? No, your dog's too big. I do. I mean, she's quite large, but she has ways of flying. She can fly. Wait, do you have a matching tattoo with your current boyfriend?

We do. See, here's the problem. We're both clinically unwell. And I believe the first weekend he came to stay here with me, we did, in fact fact get matching taco tattoos. Where is it? On my ankle. I don't know, on my upper ankle.

But here's the problem that I don't learn. I had a matching tattoo with another guy that I was seeing in Toronto for years who said that we were never together. But we got matching tattoos and I just got that covered up. So I'm like, why would I? Why?

Why? Why do I? I don't learn. I'm not saying I'm breaking up with Zach, but I, you know like why would i why why why do i i don't i don't learn i'm not saying i'm breaking up with zach but i you know why would i get a matching tattoo with a person that isn't blood related to me i mean i don't know i why not i have i don't think i have any matching tattoos with any gentlemen i only have matching tattoos with like lady friends yes so do i have a couple of those too but this was like you know a little carried away a little nuts i mean hey whatever it sounds like fun we are in love that's so nice i am in love it's the first time being in love in a very long time

it feels uh bizarre how so i i feel like now i'm gonna feel bad saying this because i know you now i know you're not in love i i feel like there was so long where I was like oh is this I forgot kind of what love was and then when you feel it again you're like oh everybody else who's in love is just walking around being this happy and having these feelings and I was a shell of a person for so long I mean hey it is what it is it's sad and it's lonely. And, you know, it's fun.

It's fun being alone. Here's the thing. I'm not going to lie. I do. You get in your habits, though. You get in your, like, you know, you have your ways of things, the way my house is lined up. Like, we're not living together.

He's here right now for three weeks. And then he still has his place back in LA. I don't know. I like my stuff. I like my space. I like where everything is. I'm very anal with that kind of thing. I was alone for so long that I'm like, you still need your

alone time. Definitely. But also, you're so fucking busy. I am busy. You're busy as fuck. I don't even know how you'd have time like i'm about to be on the road for the next five weeks and i'm like i like he's coming with me to vancouver thank god otherwise i'm like i won't see you i'm literally i have to go bye bye it is nice that he can like just fly places it's like yeah i don't know when i'd ever see you yeah because i'm like this is it's getting nutty we're it's getting nuts we're busy gals we're're on the run. We're on the move. Busy, busy, busy. Do you think he would ever move to Salt Lake City or like that he would ever move to L.A.? He might. We've been talking about him moving here, but he has kids. So he

sees his kids still so he can't just pick up and leave and his kids can't come here. That makes sense. And that's another reason why I don't want kids. I don't want to be tethered to one region for the rest of my life because I got don't want kids. I don't want to be tethered to one region for the rest of my life because I got to see my kids. I never thought I thought I wanted kids until I realized my birthday is in a month and I'm pushing 40. So, you know, I don't know if I can have them anymore. Well, if you freeze your eggs or whatever, you can have them at any time. I'm freezing the eggs. I'm not having a kid when I'm 68. I already have a bad sciatica. I can't be, I can barely,

my dog's 85 pounds. I bet I don't wear a picture of it today and I almost fainted. I was like, I'm supposed to be having a big 10 years from now and be carrying around two fucking kids. 85 pounds? A big dog. No, she's actually overweight. I was just told by the vet. She actually, she most certainly. Oh, wait, really? Yeah, she's actually fat. I feel like that's

body shaming to a dog. Like a dog could be whatever weight. I don't know. I literally, my vet was like, I'm sorry to say this, but she's in fact overweight. I was like, this is the rudest thing anyone's ever told me in my life. Wait, Steph, while you were single in LA, what was dating like before you found happiness? Oh my God. Unbearable on and you know this and it's hard i you cannot explain this enough to the listeners right now i don't care if you think

dating in your city is worse nothing is worse than dating los angeles nowhere in the fucking entire i lived in los i lived in toronto for fucking my whole life. I moved out here. So I was 20. So I was 30 years old. I lived in Toronto. Dated out there. Never had issues. Was on the apps, fucking around, met people in person, met bars.

Not a problem. I mean, no real. I had like one serious boyfriend and it was a nightmare, but still not hard to find men. I was out here. Eight years with, I couldn't get a guy to date me for longer than two or three dates would be the max so before zach i was talking to this guy who was like just like a regular guy like 30 liked to do mushrooms a lot we saw each other like a bunch and i was like okay is this i'm like and i thought what am i oh do we are we gonna like is bunch and i was like okay is this i'm like and i thought

what am i oh do we are we gonna like is this gonna be something more are we like boyfriend girlfriend he's like no i don't have time the guy sits and floats in his fucking pool all day long wouldn't be no time you don't cut your your toenails aren't even trimmed they're so fucking long they're slicing me you don't have time you have nothing but time he's like a dj trying to be dj oh it's like i love it nightmare i love a dj at the same time i was talking this other man older older a lot older um quite old how old 60 60 is not that old well 80s old 80s old 80s yeah i mean you're right i'm 37 you're right you're right it's not that old they just he just it old. He looked certain lighting.

Cool. Okay. How long did you date this geriatric for? It is geriatric. I was dating him the same time I was dating the DJ because I was like I had been fucked around so many times by guys and I was like, fuck it. I'm dating two guys at the same time. And it turns out, frankly, both of them didn't want me. I'm like, well, here we go. And then here we are.

Yeah. It was the old man. I saw his teeth in the daylight and I got a really big teeth problem. I got a big problem. And it was like every single tooth had never been flossed in its life. And it was like, just like, I can't get over how bad people's teeth are. It's really upsetting. It's really, it's gross to me. Well, I think it's gross to be like an old man with nasty teeth. It's like you never once decide to take care of

them. Bad boys are going to be with you forever. That's the problem. I mean, he's he's on his last legs here, so he's he's giving them a good run. Maybe he's too tired. Wait, what was it like dating a 60 year old? It was more like we just kind of hooked up. I'm not going to lie. I was kind of embarrassed. So I didn't want people to see me with him. Wait, how long did you date this man? He was dressed. He was dressing way too young. He was dressing like he was 27 in Whitesnake. And how did you meet him?

I don't want to tell you because you might know. Wait, I might know who it is? He might be in our business. Wait, put it in the chat. Tell me who it is. I don't think you will know who it is. Oh, I don't know them. Okay.

I want to date a 60-year-old. I think it sounds like fun. Did he give you money? No, we just had sex. We didn't go for a single dinner. You didn't go for dinner? A 60-year-old man who's not taking you to dinner? What's the point?

That's what I'm saying. It was just like weird sex here and there. And then it would be like, I don't know. It was just, it was too much. And before that, I was just like, I get, I got ghosted. My God, did I get ghosted? I got ghosted. I think I, I think I started the term.

I think I was the first person to swear to God. I have been ghosted so many times. I stood up the amount of times I have. Really? Oh my God. The amount of times I have been standing at my fucking front door or at a bar, standing there waiting. One night actually at 4100 Bar, I got stood up so badly. There was

a couple people there that I had known after we ended up talking and drinking and I ended up having a full lesbian experience at night because I was like, oh, I'm done with men. I'm gay now. And then I got to me three hours later, post deep being like, what am I doing right now? I like that you gave up on men and immediately were like, jump and ship. Here's what I'm doing now. Yeah, no, it, no, it was like, God, the amount of times that I would like,

I don't know if you've read this, where guys would like, never fully exchange phone numbers. So you just talk on the app on Tinder or whatever. And then they're like, okay, let's meet here. I'm like, great. And then I'd either go to the location or I'd wait in my house. And then I would get back my Tinder and we had been unmatched. And I'm like, oh, okay.

Well, that was never going to happen in that time. and then I would check back my Tinder and we had been unmatched. And I'm like, oh, okay, well, that was never going to happen in that time. That's happened like once or twice where I'm like, okay, we're meeting where? And I go back to look and it's like unmatched and I'm like, what is this? I tend to like, if they don't ask for my number, then I'm not like making plans with you. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I need your phone number. I don't want to be checking an app while I'm trying to meet you somewhere. Sir, you're not an adult at this point like well let's make it actual also if there was like no plans i hated the nights where i'd be up to like two in the morning thinking i'm having good band or this guy i'm like oh this is so hilarious and i wake up the next morning then i'm unmatched i'm like what was the fucking point of this uh-huh it's like who has this kind of time that's what i don't understand it was such a time waster and it was so fucking frustrating.

And I just, it was, oh God, one of the worst things I ever had. I went to HMS Bounty. What's that? It's a green town. It looks like an old ship inside. It's super fucking cool. Oh no, that sounds fun. Good, good happy hour.

You got to go. Great food. Go for happy hour. This guy wants to go for happy hour. We sit down. He immediately starts bragging about his two properties he's got two houses he's got one in ohio he's got one fucking in los angeles blah blah blah bill comes out it's 16 dollars one six and i usually like to split a tab if we go for fancy dinner whatever i'm not a bitch

or i'm not like i'm not like oh man must pay i'm like okay i'll fucking whatever i'm sitting there i'm like 16 i'm like he's he's got this whatever. I'm sitting there. I'm like, $16. I'm like, he's got this one. So I'm sitting there and even the bartender is like looking at him and then he goes, oh, we'll just split this. And I was like, I was like, okay, all right. And the bartender was like, are you serious? And I was like, yeah,

he's serious. And we put the thing up and then I'm like, $7? It's so, you just bragged about owning two fucking, and also the bragging out here i'm sure this happens everywhere but like the amount of dates i've gone on in los angeles where you sit down and immediately there's no questions asked to you all the fucking self all the one guy told me for literally an hour straight how he gets up at five in the morning to belay or whatever this fucking thing is rock climbing belay oh it was a nightmare it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. What's Belay? Climb rocks or something. Oh, yeah.

Okay. How funny. Yeah, that's LA. LA is very self-involved. And yeah, they don't ask you questions about you. And a lot of times I'll be sitting there and I'm like, I'm very interesting. If you ask me a question, I promise you'll like the answer. And maybe we'll have a back and forth about it.

It'll be nice. How do they not ask you questions? Like they must know who you are. Are you on Raya? I am on Raya. I have gone on one date from Raya. That person asked me to read a script of theirs. I don't have good luck there.

Did they have the script on them? No. No, they were going to send it to me later and i was like okay and then i texted later i was like you know what i don't i i don't know what i could do for you i don't have a production company like i i don't think this is this is not for me it's so nice though at the time when they mentioned this you weren't like go eat my ass like you weren't like fuck you well i didn't want to be rude also it, it's like, how many dates do I go on? Not many.

So let's savor the moment. God, that's upsetting. It is. I don't I don't wait. So you've had one boyfriend before this boyfriend? No, my first boyfriend ever, Steve. Steve Oak, who my dad still talks to, who I openly talk about all the time because we broke up when I was 24. Again, I'm 37 and him and my father still talk.

They text. They call. That's very weird. Thank you. I was waiting for that. It's very bizarre. I don't like it. It makes me very uncomfortable.

Have you ever said something to your dad? I'd be like, can you not talk to my ex-boyfriend? I have several times, but now it's become a joke. It's at this point. I could talk to Steve the other day. I'm like, of course you did. I don't want to tell you. You talk to Steve when you talkfriend? I have. Several times. But now it's become a joke. At this point, he's like, you talked to Steve the other day? I'm like, of course you did. I don't know what to tell you. You talked to Steve when you talked to me. Steve's also married. Let's get that out of the way. Steve's married. Has a great life.

Oh yeah? No, it's unnecessary. Do I talk to his family? Never. Not once. Not even through a Facebook exchange. Nothing. It's very strange. How funny. What a weird thing to do. It's a bizarre situation. They honestly became good friends. Wild.

Wild. And then I had another boyfriend that we don't need to name, a comedian from Toronto that did not end well. Second official boyfriend. And then after that, I fucked and dated this guy for five, seven years in Toronto who horrible man also a comedian he is absolute dog shit and I'm sure somebody will hear this and tell him because I know what I'm talking about because we got matching tattoos and he just has a problem with women and I love going on about how much I hate him and then

you know and then that was it and then I was out here literally single as hell for the whole time I've been in Los Angeles I have not had anything like no one I could remotely introduce to my parents or that I would call. I was talking to one guy in Vancouver. Actually, okay, this guy, another fan reached out to me. This was like a year and a half ago now. Maybe, yeah.

He was a big fan, did the slipping on Instagram. We started kind of talking. He lived in vancouver mm-hmm for for like months we were like calling every day face time every day i'm like fuck it i'm coming to see you i can't keep doing this we like we were talking non-stop and then uh i finally was like okay i'm coming to see you and i sent a screenshot i'm like which flight should i book and i never heard from him until my Netflix special came out. He completely ghosted me to the point...

Oh, no! We were talking. I'm not joking. We FaceTimed six times a day. It was like we talked every morning. We'd go to bed. Good night, sweetie, whatever. We were almost saying... I felt like he was going to drop the L-bomb. I was like, we haven't met. We can't do that yet. It's crazy. Talked nonstop. We'd eat dinner together. We'd cook dinner

together and both eat watching. It was fucking crazy. I sent him a screenshot of the flight. I don't hear from him. Not a peep. A week goes by. That's wild. I freak out. Then I get worried. I'm like, hey, just let me know you're okay. Nothing. I'm like, oh my God. I block

him from all my social media, all my accounts. Netflix comes out. We get an email. Hey, Steph, I'm sure you don't want to hear from me. And the email said, fuck me, I'm a fucking asshole or something. Like, that was the heading of it. Goes on this huge thing, how I shouldn't have done that. I just closed down.

I don't know what to do. But fuck me, I guess. I'm the fucking loser, right? Fuck me. And I was like, oh. Oh, no. Never replied. I'll never. You know what? talking with us now just reminded me i have to make sure he doesn't come into my show in vancouver

i have to i have to get a photo of him and send it in to make sure he ain't allowed yeah good bye that's wild to be like you're successful i made a mistake fuck me oh i'm the worst and it's like what is this what are you trying to get at this is you're being a child you want me to do what feel bad for you that you just fucked off and you go it was almost a year you completely fucked it off and after he'd done that to me i talked to another guy that i met in uh michigan and we had like we went on a date when i was there and we hit it off really well and we were like okay and we got along super well then we kept talking and we talked for like five months after and the same shit happened. I'm like, okay, I want to come see you. And then he

goes to me again. I was like, oh my fucking God, what is this pattern with me? And then my friends are like, it's your fault. You're finding these, like these men that don't even live here. What's the point? And then now I'm dating Zach and I'm like, this is crazy because he doesn't fucking live here either. So I'm getting, I keep getting like, he doesn't answer me right away. I'm like, he's ghosting me. Like i am on the brink of constantly feeling like i've been ghosted all the time i don't trust any man they have sucked the trust out of my ass that i'm like i do not trust a single person anymore and it's sad it is sad but what about zach you trust him you trust zach but it's still there's still a part of me that's

like he could get up and leave at any minute at any point in time he could i could just message him one day and he'll be gone and it's like i'm just i'm you know i'm working through in therapy um yeah that is that is um i think a hazard of getting into a relationship with someone they could just up and leave and then you never see them again and then you're just devastated and then i'm like it is literally your your podcast why like why would they be like well what then that's when I go at one point, it can't always be the guy.

You know what I mean? At some point. So I'm like, what the fuck, what have I done for the last 37 years? And I'm like, am I too aggressive? Am I too abrasive?

Am I too, am I too much on the first day? Then I look back and there's a lot of first dates where I would drink. Do you drink on first dates? Yeah. I have to. I mean, yeah. Sips. Am I too drunk. Yeah, I have to. I mean, yeah.

Sips. Am I too drunk? Like, I don't know. I don't know. Getting to know someone is hard. And I think alcohol is not the best thing for you to drink all the time. But I feel like it's easier to break the ice if you're just like a little buzzed. Yeah, yeah.

But then that would lead to me having disgusting sex, disgusting one night stands with people like just horrible. Falling off the bed, waking up in the morning being like, was somebody here? I don't recall. Falling off the bed. And I had some bad, some bad nights. Wait, real quick. Hold on, Steph. We have to take a break.

Be bop. We're back. Okay. What were you trying to tell me before we took the break? I am a very frequent visitor of the free clinics out here. Oh, yeah? It's Canadian. I don't really understand the health care out here.

So I would go to the free. I don't either. I don't know what I'm paying for. I don't know what I'm doing. It's very confusing. I used to go to Planned Parenthood because I was like, I don't know how to work my insurance. I don't even think I had insurance for a while.

I haven't. I don't know. I still pay every time I go. So I don't know what I'm paying for. I think there's like deductibles and stuff. I don't know. I don't even understand what a deductible is. I also don't understand either.

But I know it's like if your monthly payment is lower than your deductibles higher. And I think your deductibles, what you pay because insurance doesn't cover all of it. Steph, I don't know. I should know because I'm an adult. But like it doesn't make sense. And it's confusing. And I'm 100% on your side for this. I just go there. They say, this is what you want to go. OK, take the money. I don't I don't know. Yes. Take my money. Here's a question. Does your boyfriend have any siblings or single friends? He does. His brother is not. No, he's younger, though. Twenty one. Too young. Yeah. What's your age group? What do you like? I mean, I think I need someone older than me. I'm almost 40, so someone who's also almost 40. Or maybe I'm 62.

I don't know. But I would say 40 to 55. Okay. Okay. Or maybe like 35 to 55. I don't know. I just want someone who's like mature. And that seems to be a very, very tall ask.

Honest to God, it might be one of the biggest asks out there right now, especially in the city. I don't know where you're I don't know where these men are. They don't live here. I guess. I don't know. It does feel like everyone's like booed up or whatever. And you're the second comic I know that has imported a boyfriend or is dating someone out of state and i'm like maybe that's what i should fucking do and i've tried i've tried so

hard i don't have any chuckle fuckers though nobody's in my dms being like oh my god i'm really hot and i think you're hot and i think you're funny well okay first of all it was the only one that slipped into the other ones i have in there are like terrifying you get dms there's no way you don't get dms not from like straight men uh a lot of like join our threeple or like um yeah i don't really get hit on why because you're too famous i'm moderately successful there's like people doing much better than me oh but you're like you are you're famous you're a famous comedian and you're famous so i think now that you're at that level you're people are you are, you're famous. You're a famous comedian and you're a famous. So I think now that you're at that level, you're people are too scared to ask. I don't know.

I just, I think it's a weird, it's a, it's a gap now. Cause I'm at the, still like, you know, I'm,

I'm, I'm there. People, I'm used to banana. I'm selling my own merch for fuck's sakes. Like I'm, I'm approachable. I mean,

I'm standing right there. Um, do you do meet and greets after shows? I used to, and then COVID hit. And then I was like, I don't think I really want to. Cause it's like,

you want a picture and I'm going to be wearing a mask. Like you don't want that. Like, so I don't do them. Cause you got, you're, you're doing too much shit. But I was gonna say, that's a good way of like people after,

cause people definitely want to fuck you. There's, I guarantee you 20% of the men in your show want to fuck you. No, the men in my show are straight men whose girlfriends have dragged them there or gay men who have no interest. And I did go home with a gay man once, uh,

in Tacoma and it was not a good experience. Really? Yeah. He was like, I can't do this and i was like okay great you have to go like what what were we doing we try i i fooled around with the uh by guy for a while and he would right after we fucked go into great detail uh of how much he loves sucking cock great wait that's really wild he's like okay what we just did was fine or whatever but my true love is sucking dick oh he would go on he's like i sucked a dick last week that was perfect and i

was like i don't need to know this i we it's you do what you do that's fine well like can we just not sit in our sit in our sit for a second here? I guess I make you feel there was a guy, my guy that I was seeing for a bit and by seeing I mean three dates. The third time we fucked. I've definitely not been on a podcast before but I love talking about it because it's iconic. Third time we fucked, I was new to my bed and he could not get hard.

It was the third time I couldn't get hard and he looked at me and he's like, yeah, I just nope, my dog just busted in like a psychopath. Oh, what a cutie. He was like, I'm sorry. I'm just I'm just physically not attracted to you. To my face to look me up and down, looked my body up and down to really to really let me know what he meant. The whole body, not just part of me.

He was absolutely repulsed. And that is why he could not get hurt that is maybe the meanest thing i've ever heard in my whole life i think i mean there's a nicer way to there's a there's a way to know you don't you just don't have to say it i'm flabbergasted that is truly wild oh yeah oh it was like really and it was like he also was no prize peach. Like the guy, I'll tell you right now, he wasn't. He's also still in the apps. I know he is. I've seen his

fucking photo. I've seen people send it before, but he was a comic and I'll tell you right now. He wasn't good and I don't think he'll ever get better because I made it quite, I made quite the scene about it and he apologized to me like way, way after because he was friends of a friend of ours. Susan, and he was just looking at me

stop and he um his apology was disgusting he preferred his penis like an unborn fetus he's like sorry my unborn cock fetus couldn't get hard it was like disgusting i was like also almost blaming me like i don't care if you don't get hard that's not don't that's a you problem not a me problem and then like don't make me feel bad about it. I'm like, I understand it happens. That's wild. I don't like that. Ugh, men are trash.

They really are bad. I'm not joking. I have been with women a couple of times now and I'm like, why? I just, I couldn't stick the landing. You know what I mean? I gotta, I just, I wish. Everyone also thinks I'm gay all the time.

And I'm like, I've gotten DMS way more DMS women than men. Way. You've got to have a couple of gals slipping in there. Um, every now and again. Yes. I mean,

most of my DMS are truly just people being like, I love nailed it. My child loves nailed it. Can I be on nailed it? And I'm like, I have noailed It. My child loves Nailed It. Can I be on Nailed It? And I'm like, I have no control over it. I would love for someone hot to slip into my DMs and be like, hey, I think you're funny and hot. And I'd like to break me off a piece of that puss. I'd love it. A piece of that puss. It's going to happen. Now that we're talking about it, we've got to put it out there.

Got to manifest it. Listen, slide into my DMs. Ask me on a date. I do read my DMs. I do too. Sometimes I have to do the old unread. I've been getting this a lot recently. This is not about dating at all, but I've been getting like the Hey, I was at your show on the weekend. I thought you were hilarious. My friends thought you were shit. Otherwise, I would have said

hi. I'm like, I get that after every show. Now, after every time, every, every weekend I do someone goes out of their way to say how much they love me, but whoever they were with hated my guts. I'm like, I don't need to know that part of it. Yeah. I, I get a lot of, uh, when I used to do meet and greets, it'd be a woman who'd be like, Oh, I, I brought my boyfriend here and he didn't know who you were. And they'd be like, yeah, I didn't know who you were one time. Never heard of you at all. But like, you're pretty funny. Keep on doing it. I'm like, I didn't need any of it. I love that. Yeah, you're pretty funny. You could never do this. Never in your life. You unclog drains for a living. Don't fucking get up there. Nightmare.

drains for a living. Don't fucking ask to get up there. Nightmare. It's hard. It's so hard. Wait, so when you were on the apps, what were you on? You were on Tinder, Bumble. What else? Hinge. I hated Bumble. I could never get anything

going on Bumble. I don't know if it was my opening. I would send the gif of Chris Farley raising his sunglasses. Never got a reply. I'm like, this is the first time. Chris Farley raising his sunglasses. Never got a reply. I'm like, this is the first time. Really? And I'm like, that's so funny and silly. I think it's very silly and it's like a little flirty.

It's like, hey, I'm looking at you. But also it's like I have a sense of humor about it. I didn't like Bumble because I was, what am I, I guess it's the same thing that I get mad at men for where they're just like, hi, how was your weekend? But then again, it's just like, that I get mad at men for where they're just like hi how was your weekend but then again it's just like how do you start a conversation so I would send things like uh what would you rather turn into a penguin at midnight or like an ostrich at 5 p.m and no one would ever respond to me but that's fun also that's what I think you just fucking wave

I swear to god my one friend was like, all I would say was hi, and she put the wave emoji, and guys would immediately reply. I'm like, I'm going to fucking kill myself if that's actually what people want. Just a hi. I guess. I think people are just not as fun.

What am I trying to say? There's more unfun people in this world than fun people. Yes, that's true. I think that's very true. I'm just like, where do I find a good, fun person? I don't know. They don't exist. I don't want to tell you. Well, maybe I have to go to Salt Lake City. I don't know. Wait. Okay. Have you met his family? Has he met your family? Tell me about your relationship. What's the most romantic thing he's ever done? I've asked a hundred questions in a row okay the most romantic thing he's ever done

um honestly i'm gonna say his christmas presents to me they were so thoughtful and i've like not even things i asked for just things i had like off the cuff and like oh i need that oh i love like i literally mentioned how i want skims um and he's got me skims like he went out of his way to find all this shit that i like oh and like i need a new cookware and then he got me these shoes like he everything i had mentioned that he just got for me like simple daily items i thought that was very romantic to me just the fact that he listened and he also watched my dog for me for three weeks which was a very big deal. I got screwed on a sitter and I had to be on the road for a while.

It's a big ask. I have met his family. They like me. It was alarming at first. I'm like, are Mormons going to find me entertaining or am I too much? So these Mormons like you. They like me, yes. And my parents like him. And my sister's actually flying in tonight.

She, she lands in two hours and we'll meet him for the first time. Oh, that's sweet. My sister is my big, she's the barometer here. I don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks about him. It's my sister.

She's, she's the one. So wait, and is everybody staying with you? Yeah, they're all here tonight and, uh, it'll be,

we'll see. No, it's fine. Zach's, he's very easygoing and, you know, he likes to drink too. So it'll be, we'll see. No, it's fine. Zach's very easygoing. And, you know, he likes to drink too. So my family's heavy into the sips. So if we could use. Heavy into the sips.

That's what we'll say. That's the term we're going to use. Heavy into the sips. Okay. I like it. It's fun. What's the worst date you've been on? Worst date I've been on worst date i've been on oh god um

i matched with this guy and he really kissed you right off the top we went to the in las filas what's that bar called um the study i don't know if it's open anymore yeah i think so he at least sits on my side of the booth and starts kissing me and I was like whoa man I'm like we just met I'm like this is a lot sorry I know you you don't know me this is really bizarre like what is going on right now so we have a couple sips and this is

during a phase where I had been ghosted a lot we end up going back to his house and we get in there and it's like North Hollywood and I was like huh I'm a bit far from home and we walk in and there's nothing and i'm like oh like did you just move in here and he's like no no i've been here for a bit and i'm like there's like a chair and there's like a tv leaning against the wall and like there's nothing here like uh-huh like what's going on i say okay he's like no i have a bed and i, okay. And he's also older than me.

So I think I was 33 at the time and he was 45, 45 years old. And I was like, okay, so we get in his bedroom and we like fool around. It was, I also, again,

why am I still doing this? I wasn't even attracted to him. He was way smaller than me. Way. And halfway through having sex with him, I'm like, oh my God, he has a wife and kids. And this is in my head. I'm telling myself this. Oh, okay. This is his like, him, I'm like, oh my God, he has a wife and kids.

And this is, in my head, I'm telling myself this. Oh, okay. This is his like, well, I don't know. There's nothing here. And so I asked him, I go, do you have a wife and kids? He's like, what? I go, you have nothing here. Where's all your stuff?

And then he's like, okay, well, calm down. I'm like, I'm gonna calm down. Like, this is really weird. What's going on? So he goes in the cupboard and starts like taking it like diplomas of his. I have this diploma. I'm like, that's nothing. And have this diploma. I'm like, nothing.

And then he could tell. I'm like, I'm getting irritable. He's like, okay, well, do you want to see my guns? And I was like,

what? He hops out of the bed, brings out a case, puts it on the bed. And I'm like, I'm nude. I'm like, okay,

this is taking a turn right now. Open. Uh-huh. It takes the clip out. You guys want to hold it? I'm like clip out you just want to hold it I'm like I don't want to hold it I'm like okay I'll hold your gun because now I'm like if I say no what's

going to hit me over the head I'm like what the fuck I'm like and this man's abandoned home holding this gun shaking it got it he's like good does that feel good I'm like yeah I like the way that feels I'm like freaking the fuck out he takes the gun back puts the way he goes okay now do that feel good? I'm like, yeah. I like the way that feels. I'm like freaking the fuck out. He takes the gun back, puts it away. He goes, okay, now do you feel better?

And I was like, I have to go. You know what? I must leave. And I like literally like, he's like, are we going to see each other again? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know about that. And then I like literally ran out the door and called the fucking Uber. And I was like, did he murder his whole wife and kids?

That's honestly wild. It was. And as I was thinking about that, I remember another one that was so bad. We went back to a guy's house that I think we met the same bar. I live in the area. I went back to his house. He had two scars under his chest.

And I asked if he was transgender. I like, I guess it was an offensive question to him. And he got really pissed off. He said, what the fuck would you ask that? I was like, I don it was an offensive question to him and he got really pissed off. He said, why the fuck would you ask that? I was like, I don't care either way. I just was asking because you have two scars. He's like, I was fucking fat as a kid.

Is that what you fucking wanted? And I was like, oh my God. We were just making out like clothes. I'm like, thank God. I'm going to leave. And he ran to the door and he goes, you're not going anywhere. And I was like, you have three seconds

before I scream. I knew the roommates. I was like, you have three seconds to move the fuck out of the way or I will scream on top of my lungs and call the police and he's like okay okay fine fine let me just drive you home like you're not driving me home you're moving away from the fucking door oh my god so this is what i'm saying when i was like i have had like a nightmare i got out of there thank god and then i got in the uber and then it was a woman who picked me up and she's like let's report him let's go to the cops i was like no i'm like i just like he didn't i'm like let me just get the fuck home i made away i just so it's like stuff like that where it's just non-stop horrific horrific horrifically it

wasn't like normal like my friends like how do you find these guys i don't know because you i know you get to the point where you're swiping i'm like i'm like i don't even find this guy attractive but i'm like so sad and lonely or i'm sure you do this maybe you don't where you're like i know this guy will find me attractive Even though you don't really find him attractive. You just swipe right anyways. Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, I think they'll think I'm cute and that'll be nice. Yes.

Or I'm just like, I don't know. Maybe this person doesn't. Maybe they're not as bad in person. Like I matched with one guy where I was like, oh, he looks drunk in every picture. But I was like, but maybe he won't be drunk when I meet him and he'll be nicer. And then he ended up being older and drunker than his pictures. It was wild. I was like, you're absolutely shit-faced.

Ew, and older? That's gross. Yeah, he was not, it was not what was advertised. There's a lot of ill advertising on there. A lot of guys lying about their height, which I'll never understand. I swear to God, it's very bizarre. I don't understand it either because we're going to meet in person

and I'm going to go, hey, you're smaller than you said. Way smaller. I also felt like, yeah, I matched with these smaller guys and I'm always taller. I don't mind being, I can't be taller and wider.

I can be wider, but I also can't be, I mean, I can do one. I can't be taller and wider. I can be wider, but I also can't be. I mean, I can do one. I can't be one or the other, not taller and wider. You could be wider or taller. I get it. I just don't like that. I always felt very large dating men. Hold on, Steph. We have to take another break. Can you even? I can. break can you even i can't okay now we're back so wait your current boyfriend zach how long like when did you decide that like you were only going to see each other and that you guys were in a relationship um i think it was after that big weekend we had a telly ride we were like

because i also i'm very jealous and I, again, because of the whole ghosting thing, I'm like, okay, either we're doing this or we're not because I can't. No, there he is walking by topless. Not even wearing a shirt. Just slowly walking past the door. Slowest walk I've ever seen a person do in my life.

I think I should ask him? Yeah. Do you have a shirt on? No. Oh, you do? Oh, he does have a shirt on. Never mind. Okay, Nicole's asking what was the question again?

When did you guys officially become only dating each other or like officially in a relationship? I'm officially in a relationship. Telluride. Colorado. Okay. This is the weekend right after we spent the weekend together in Colorado, which was virtually the second time we had met.

It was only our second date. I also wanted you to hear how comically higher his voice is than mine because I think it's funny. Such a good time in Telluride. Okay, stop. It's not that much higher good time to tell you, right? It's not that much higher, but it is higher. It's higher.

But he's, again, taller and wider than me, so I like that. You can close it. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I'd say it was that weekend

I was like our second time actually hanging out and we just hit it off so well that we're like, let's try to make this work. I think we hit, he also had a lot of shitty relationships before me as well so we both knew that there was a connection and we wanted

to like not lose that and I think I told him I was like if you go back to Salt Lake it's like fucking much people are if I'm in LA on the road and I like you know sometimes I tend to put Tinder on my phone when I'm back on the road so I can have little especially in places I don't know so I think we were like let's just let's just, let's try this.

Let's try to make this work and let's become official. And it felt weird at first. And then we said, I said, I love you first. Didn't love that. How long did you wait? I waited, I think it was like three months. And we were at the fucking improv eating nachos. And he was like, we're sitting at the bar.

And he was telling another comic. He was being so nice. I heard bragging about me. And then he looked over at me and I just went, oh, God, I love you. And he's like, huh? And I was like, oh, no, he's not going to say it back. And he's like, oh, no. He's like, that was nice.

And I was suicidal for two days. I was like, he doesn't love me. Oh my fucking God. And then we talked about it. He's like, I just didn't feel ready. That wasn't the right moment. Wasn't the right. And that's one thing I do really love about Zach.

We're very open with communicating, which is very nice. He reads me when something's off and we can talk about it openly. So he's like, how do you feel? I'm like, I feel like shit. I'm like, I feel like you don't love me. I feel embarrassed. And I feel like, you know, I didn't want to say first. I should have said it. Then I was like beating myself up love me. I feel embarrassed. I didn't want to say it first. I should have said it. Then I was beating myself up.

We were getting fucking tacos. That's why we have taco tattoos. We were getting tacos. We were just ordering. I'm like, let's order this and this and split it. He's like, that's why I love you. I was like, huh? He goes, I'm really in love with you. I'm like, and I almost cried. The guy before him,

the matching tattoo guy, that was horrendous. Horrendous. If you ever had a guy before him, the matching tattoo guy, that was horrendous. Horrendous. If you ever had a guy call you, his nickname for me was Roly-Poly-Toly. That's not the nicest thing in the world. It's actually horrific. Not this boyfriend, the last guy.

I was used to people making fun of me and telling me. Just not making me feel good. not making me feel good zach makes me feel good that's nice i that's all you could ever want from somebody just being around that makes you feel good it's nice it's very easy to make somebody feel good um so what advice do you have for me in finding someone to love me i'm gonna say to say right now, they cannot live in Los Angeles. That's it. Okay.

I just need you to know that none are left. They're all bad. And you need to find somebody who's not, because of how funny and amazing you're doing and everything, you cannot find somebody who's remotely jealous. You need to

find a very specific partner who is on your side, who finds you hilarious, who will not at any point make you feel less than what you are or ever get like weird with that because that's fucked up because your career is going so fucking well and you can't fuck with that. So my advice is next time you're out of town, get the apps open, have a little peek. Okay. You can peek. I do try when I do tour, I do try to like swipe on the apps and I've never like, I don't know. I've never like gone on a date or anything or like I've like hooked up with people, but like, those are just like people I've met in bars and stuff. Well, maybe maybe you should try the date.

You're there for a weekend. You get in there early or you do like the thing where you go. If you're going there for the weekend, you put you on that city before you get there. Mm hmm. A little pre look. Well, pre peak. Uh huh. A little appetizer.

So the entree. Yeah. You get a couple mozzarella sticks in there before the main course comes but you also i would say the meet and greets but it's not good for you because you're too busy you can't be maskless out there but i bet there'd be a couple cuties out there being like oh she has girl never never in my whole life has any just like single person hit on me at a show in a normal way like i've been hit on in a very like aggressive strange way where i'm like ah i feel uncomfortable and you're just like staring at me um this is so funny that you're telling me to like like just do a meet and greet and i'll meet someone at a meet and greet i

you gotta do options you gotta do the apps you're out of town you a meet and greet and I'll meet someone at a meet and greet. You got to do options. You got to do the apps when you're out of town. You got to do meet and greet and you also have to do the still in-person situation which is still never, which I don't believe.

I have a friend right now who's doing like a speed dating. There's a speed, there's a thing happening out here. But I don't want to tell you. Or friends of friends. And I promise, I asked all my friends.

I was like, hey, do you have any friends you can introduce me to? I'm honest to God. I have one person in my head right now for you. You might even know him, but I have an idea for you. Who?

Put it in the chat. Okay. I don't know him. This is the content people live for. Things that they cannot see. This is Booker. I don't know this person. I don't know.

I have a feeling. Very nice guy. Funny, cute, clean, respectful. Okay. poker i don't know this person i don't know i have a i have a feeling very nice guy funny cute clean respectful okay these are all good adjectives idiot but in the comedy world knows what's funny knows what's up okay in this case this is why i want okay he literally have you ever had this in your life but he's like his pictures were so bad i'm like give me your phone i'm like let me fucking do this for you it's okay hands me his phone and walks away we're bowling i'm like give me your phone i'm'm like, let me fucking do this for you. He goes, okay. Hands me his phone and walks away. We're both like, I'm like, give me your phone.

I'm scrolling through his photos. The most wholesome man I've seen. All photos of him, his mom and his sister, him and his friend's dog. Nothing, not one dick pic, not one creepy tit pic. He's a sweet man. And now I want you to date him. And now this is what I want now for you.

Okay, set us up. I'm open. I'm looking. I just want someone to love me the way I want now for you. Okay, set us up. I'm open. I'm looking. I just want someone to love me the way I want to be loved. Yes, and you deserve this. And you will. This will happen. This will happen.

But here's the thing. Steph, thank you. We're the same fucking age. This just happened to me. This is not, you know what I mean? My aunt's 62. I don't know what to tell you. It's going to happen.

All right. I like your confidence't know what to tell you. It's going to happen. All right. I like your confidence. You got to be confident. I guess so. Well, Steph, we've come to the end. Is there anything that you want to promote? Yes. If you're in Vancouver, I have a show on February 23rd, part of Just for Laughs, Vancouver.

The 24th is sold out. So please get tickets for the 23rd. And then if you're in Portland on the 26th, the late show at Helium, come do that. I love Helium. If you're in Portland, you should go. Helium is also just a fun club. Also, I ask everybody this. Would you date me?

Of course. Okay, thank you. As long as our dogs got along i think so clyde he loves a big dog look at him he's so cute he loves playing with dogs and there we go okay well stuff thank you so much for being here and doing this podcast and if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate subscribe or whatever on apple podcasts or something and then if you write me something nasty hitting on me and send it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars will read it and then she'll send it to me but like don't send her anything nasty okay this person said hey nicole you're beautiful and hot if we went out the fun would never stop your sense of humor is

simply unbelievable the happiness we'd achieve together is inconceivable is this a poem we could suck dick together two at a time go uh kill it together like partners in crime play with our eclipse like a slip and slide yeah this is rhyming right am i dumb fuck each other's brains out whenever you'd like i'm shooting my shot hope it goes in hit me back when you want to begin. I'll sign an NDA. Just hand me a pen. Ooh, baby, our secret sin. I want to laugh and dance and cuddle at night. I want to talk to you and argue, then clear up our fights. Oh, this is long. I lead with love, always treat you right. Face the future together while holding you tight. Manifest and meditate our focus, our sights on things that truly matter in this crazy life. And whatever happens, we'd reach great heights. I hope to hear from you. I'd love to spend the night.

That was very long. It wasn't very dirty, but I do appreciate a poem. I think that's nice. Well, that's it for this episode. Thank you, Steph. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me With me, Nicole Byer

Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by Oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick It is executive produced by other wonderful people Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross Thanks for listening I love you, thank you so much We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode What a dream.

What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.