Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating a Mom (w/ Lil Rel Howery)

Episode Date: July 29, 2022

Comedian Lil Rel Howery (Get Out, Keepin' It Rel with Young Wayne  podcast) chats with Nicole about dating a single mom of 4, getting thrown off a horse on a date, matching with Lizzo on Raya, and shares his tips on how to hit on women at bars.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746  

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could open my refrigerator and dump out all my food and say, hey, fatty, time to go on a diet, I would still say, I love you. you my guest today is a legendary comedian and actor who you know from get out south side and his tv series rel his new podcast keeping it rel with young wayne is available every tuesday wherever you get your podcast i have little rel how are you I have Lil Rel Howry!

Rel, how are you? I'm doing good. How you doing? I'm good. It's so good to see you. I haven't seen you in so long. It's been a minute. Yeah. Wait, I haven't seen you since Nick Crowe's show. Oh my God. Yes. That was like a few months ago, right?

That was a while ago. Was it longer than that? I don't know time no more. I don't know time either. Time is tough. I feel like 2020 is truly where time was just like, it don't matter no more. You're just never going to know when it is. But you're good.

Things are good. I'm doing real good. Yes. I love looking at your Instagram because my friend is book busy and blessed. You are truly working so much. I love it. Yeah, I work a lot. Like, this is the first time.

I mean, outside the podcast and, like, writing and stuff. But I took some time off. I'm chilling, hanging out with my kids. I got a girlfriend now, so that's been great. So, yeah. Ooh, that was going to be the next question. You know, I follow you on Instagram, so I know that you've got a girl thread now. But how did you all meet?

We met at a screening, actually. It was really interesting. You know, it's funny. Like, I'm one of the people that watch a lot of Hallmark movies, right? I'm a big rom-com fan. People don't really know that like that, but I love them. And so to kind of walk into, like, a predictable rom-com in real life, because it was really, like, at a screening for one of our good friends in Making Good. She has a show called Harlem.

And we went to the screening for that. And I actually showed up. I was like with two other girls just chilling. Because I was, hey, I was single for the streets. Because you're a single man. You do whatever you want. Whatever I want to do. And I said something about Megan on the mic, just showing her some love.

And afterwards, Danella, that's her name, walked up walked up to me and was like that was very beautiful what you said you have a good heart and I was just I was hearing her talk but I couldn't stop looking at her and the rest of the evening I was just like hmm hmm

and then I stalked her Instagram like who is this lady and I started looking for her And then I stalked her Instagram. Like, who is this lady? And I started looking for her. And found her and then just was very intrigued and inspired by her and who she is. She's an amazing mom. And you know what's funny?

I said something about this on the talk recently, and I brought up that she's a mom of four and some people was asking why I brought that up and I'm like well people love to undervalue women with kids you know like you shouldn't date them don't date them that's a red flag she has four daughters but I'm like she's just dope and I always was looking for somebody with mom energy anyway because I'm a parent. Because you have kids, yeah. Exactly. So like,

she was just perfect, man. Like, we hit it off and I've, especially being a comic, man, like,

at some point, I stopped believing that I would meet somebody dope. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Like, I think one day

I was in my trailer yelling like, God, when? When? I want to be out the streets. I don't have the energy or the time to deal with this no more. Where is she at? I'm sorry for all the other things I've done.

I have done that in my car. Just like after a bad date, screamed at God, stop giving me material and give me someone who loves me. Oh, boy. I love that you found someone. Y'all are really cute together. And I love like a, because you have two kids. I have three. Oh, you have three.

She's four. That's what, seven kids? You got one for every day of the week. That's nice. I love, you know what's funny? I always knew, I don't know if it was because of Eddie Murphy. Maybe I'm overly inspired by Eddie Murphy. I knew I wanted a bigger family, which is weird.

And I like it's this way, so I don't have to necessarily have anymore. Like, this is perfect. Yeah. And girls, how old are they? What are all the ages? to say half anymore. Uh-huh. This is perfect. Yeah, and girls? How old are they? What are all the ages? 20, 19, 12, and 11. Oh, okay.

So you only got to raise half of them? It's really only my little one. Two are done. We're good. I think they all want us to have an extra baby. Mm. A little fun one, but a little eighth one. I don't want to be an old daddy, man. I'm already kind of an older dad. I'm at that point.

I don't know. That's not that bad, being an old daddy. Let me tell you something. I got a five-year-old now, right? Uh-huh. And I'm 42. Let me tell you something. I got a five-year-old now, right?

Uh-huh. And I'm 42. I don't have the same excited energy to, like, stop stuff or, you know what I mean? It's more or less just me yelling at the other kid, hey, go get your brother. Like, it used to be the time I used to be the one to go get, hey, go get him. He over there. He's standing on the counter. Go get your brother. Go get him.

You know what I'm saying? Let him jump. Let him jump let him jump yeah but then you'll raise a like a kid who's more fun you know what i'm saying it's like my daddy let me jump off the countertop this scars from this this scars from that no it was not neglect he was tired i'm just scared to be that father to like pick their kid up like i used to do a bit about this but about somebody having an old dad and like they have to pick up their own report card so like so they just sit in the car and just

they just wave at the teacher i'm here whatever you tell him he gonna tell me is uh another part of the bit the kids buckling their own uh car seat in yes i got i got a lot of children that bit makes me laugh so hard just Just an old baby buckling himself. I got it. I got it. Well, it's an independent baby. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's a baby who's like, either you got an old daddy or you got a ghetto mama. That's the only way you get like. My parents, ghetto as hell. You got to learn to fit for yourself. Making noodles and shit. Like, boy, how old are you? You making your own oodles of noodles cups? You're four.

You're four. You can't even reach the microwave. I got to eat. I got to eat. I got to eat. So I feel like you'd been working pretty consistently. And then Get Out happened. And then I feel like it was like you were fucking everywhere.

And it's so delightful to see. Every time I see you, Jermaine, just people I know from way back, and I'm just like, oh, it's so incredible that my black friends is everywhere. You know something? When we did that world star sketch for Friends of the People, the group that's in there, we're talking about you and Che. It's just really interesting to watch. Yeah, everyone's career is kind of just awesome. And it's nice because we all just worked really hard.

And I saw how hard everybody worked. So, like, everybody that I see now who's, like, doing shit, I'm just like, you know, we earned it. We did it. We worked really fucking hard and kept going and shit. And, yeah. I'm really defensive about all of you. Like, every last one of you.

I'm, like, really defensive. It's people I've literally cursed out for thinking whatever they want to think. People are weird, man. People are weird, man. People are weird. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why people think things are handed to you. Mm-hmm. Just because you find success in something that either they couldn't do consistently.

So they're like, what did you do? Like, we got the same opportunities. It's like, what did I do? I did the work. I was at the right place in the right time, which is luck. But then I should have prepared and was nice. And then people recommended me for things. That's how I got what I have.

And yeah, people don't realize it's like you got to, it doesn't end after you get the job. Like you have to continue to be good and then be nice. That's a great one. Some actors get talked about and then not show up because they're like, they're too rude. I don't want to work with them. You're like, oh, wow. That is a

real thing. It's people that's rude and not good. You're okay. I don't know if you should be the nicest person on the planet. Mediocre, screaming at people. So wait, Rel, I know you're from Chicago. What part of Chicago are you from?

I'm from the west side of Chicago. Oh, okay. I don't know nothing about the west side. It's very specific. Me and Hannah were both from the west side. Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm. My family lives on the south side.

I mean, but let me say something. That only means anything in Chicago. Nobody else give a damn what we're talking about. Like, when you leave the city of Chicago, you become friends. Like, it's people I'm friends with in L.A. that if we lived in Chicago, we wouldn't be friends. You wouldn't be friends. Yeah. Chicago's so funny.

It's like, I've said it before on this podcast. It is the most successfully segregated city, I think, in America. Because when white people were like i'm from chicago i'd be like no you're not because i'd only really spent time on the south side i was like no you don't have cornrows and a mixed baby you're not from the south side no and then i went to the north side when i turned like 25 to do a show with mateo Lane and I was like, there are white people here. It was truly so wild and overwhelming. It's so segregated, but I think that's the key to making a lot of us really good comedians because you had to learn to make so many different people laugh along with different types

of black people. And so it's just a lot of like figuring out what your voice is and being able to interpret that to any group of people. Yeah. So when did you get into comedy? I started when I was 19, showed up at a comedy club. So I used to get the Chicago Sun-Times every weekend would have a weekend entertainment magazine newspaper on Fridays. entertainment magazine newspaper on Fridays. And so since like maybe like sixth grade, I would look at that and literally look at the list of comedy clubs. And like, man, someday if I ever do it, I'm going to go to one of these places

because it was listed every week. And when I turned 19, I ended up showing up in one of them really early because I wasn't old enough to get in. I showed up. I like helped set up. They didn't even know. They thought I worked there. That's how early I was there. You know what I mean? So enough to get in. I got, I showed, I like helped set up. They didn't even know. They thought I worked there. That's how early I was there.

You know what I mean? So nobody wouldn't card me. Uh-huh. And so I was there early. That's smart. Yeah. Just get there early, pretend you worked there, help set up, and then be like, can I get up?

Yeah, and just sign the list. That's what I did. And that's how I started. And then, so, and then 19, and then that was a wrap. You were like, this is what I got to be doing. And what's funny, I bombed so hard that night. But it wasn't enough. Like, I met my brother.

I taped myself. I let my brother listen to the tape. And he's like, so you want to go do this again? Like, yes. I know I'm funny. You know what I mean? And so, like, and I got booed because I was doing somebody else's joke that I didn't know I was doing somebody else's joke. Because it was a joke I heard on Comic View, then I thought it was mine.

Mm-hmm. And the comedian whose joke it was was actually there. Damn. And it was his show. Damn. And they booed, man. They not only booed me, the DJ, DJ Dollar Bill, who's my good friend now, and the host was Damon Williams, who's one of my OGs now. And he played white club

someone please call 9-1-1 saddest walk to my seat like when i hear that when i hear that song i used to love that song it's what it's so sad to me that like every time i hear that song someone please call up and i won't tell them i just got shut down and my body's that's a that's a fucked up song but honestly what a dream of like of a scenario for your very first time doing stand-up any normal person would go that's a rap i can't do it but like comics or comedians and i don't know people who need to perform are just different you were like i i gotta do that again because it felt so dreamlike i remember when i was there and all the comics that went on stage i was a big comic view fan and so watching all these guys i seen on bt's comic view rock the stage now and they didn't put

me up early he put me up in the middle. So I'm like, why would you do that to somebody? But they were all like almost getting standing ovations. I remember seeing it back to the future when a man get on the phone like, hey, that sound you been looking for? Well, listen to this. I literally did that. It was a payphone in the bathroom of the comedy club.

And I called my brother like, hey, you remember those comics we heard on Comedy View? Listen to this. They here. True story. That's so funny. I fucking love that. I just love how you are genuinely a fan of comedy and you love comedy.

And then watching you perform is so fun because it seems like you're having a great time and like you love the jokes that you've written. So I love that story. That's such a good story. What was your second show like? Oh, it's great. Great.

Okay. I don't know if I ever told this story. So I came back the next week and Damon wasn't there. Marlon Mitchell, another comedian from Chicago, was hosting. And Corey Holcomb was there. And I went up, and I had, I guess, a really good set for my second time. I didn't bomb. I got some laughs.

And I changed the whole setup. I was like, all right, let me go a lot more personal. And I started doing these jokes about my glasses, and that's all I had to talk about then. I ain't had nothing going on. I'm still a virgin. So I went up there and talked about that, and Corey Holcomb went on stage. It was like, hey, I don't know who Shorty is.

Hey, he's funnier than a lot of y'all. I've been doing this a long time, man. Hey, keep going, man. And I was like, what? And it's so weird. It's been little moments every time in my career where I got these little stamps that, that, that,

you know, people don't know the, I've learned this as being a veteran comic now, that what I say to a comic could impact them or a person, especially somebody that may look up to you or anything like that. And you just say something very genuine to them. It might be the smallest thing, but like, it's, impact them or a person especially somebody that may look up to you or anything like that and you just say something very genuine to them might be the smallest thing but like it's it made me want to keep coming back I knew I can do it and so I was like all right if he said that then I could

keep doing this I love that I always when I see a young comic try to like if they have a great set be like that set was really great like because you're right like i had somebody say that to me very early on and i was like oh okay well if this person thinks i can i can do this then okay i can do it and it's not to say that i wasn't confident it's just sometimes when an outside person is like you're fucking good you're like oh shit okay so it's not in my head I am actually good I am funny yeah so yeah I like that you do that too man it was a it's it's that first two years of the hustle of comedy was just really interesting I learned a lot and because I went up to the north side too and ended up like finding some show that like if I brought people in, they'd give me a dollar per person, you know, that type of thing.

Yeah. It was a lot of hustle in it, man. And I, you know, I appreciate even just like I had D-Ray Davis on my podcast. And D-Ray is one of the cats. That's who I came up under. That's where I learned how to self-promote myself and going on stage, freestyling every week and things like that. Like, you know, it's interesting, like, kind of being in this mainstream place of where I'm at, but I 100% come from the chitlin' circuit.

And so, like, to be able to—I haven't changed myself, you know. I was who I am the whole time. But those first maybe five years, I was who I am the whole time but those first maybe five years I was a fly on the wall I just watched everybody moved and was like all right I'm gonna do this differently uh um you know my material changed pretty fast because at first I was doing jokes and I was doing some stuff personal but my two roommates I live with two other comics Vici and Wildcat shout out to them and one day was on road trip, and I used to tell him these crazy stories about my family. And one day they was like, why you don't do that on stage?

I'm like, I ain't nobody gonna care about my mama smoking cigarettes. Like, real, this shit is hilarious. What, are you scared? And I ain't like nobody. I ain't scared of nothing, you know what I'm saying? And like one of the next shows I did, I went up there and just started talking about my family, and it killed. And that's when I was like, hmm. All right.

Because I looked up to Eddie and all of them, but I was scared to think my family could interpret it to stand up. I don't know. It's very interesting. Well, it's sometimes you're just like, well, my personal life's not that interesting or my family's not that. Nobody's going to relate to this. personal life's not that interesting or my family's not that nobody's going to relate to this and the longer I've lived the longer I keep talking I'm like oh there is somebody in a room full of a hundred people at least 10 people will be like this relates directly to me but if you make it funny everyone's like oh I can I see it I see why it's funny and I can see like a person

having to live like that or whatever and I don't know I personally I love observational comedy but I love comedy that's like it comes from your heart and you're like here's a wild thing I think I like trauma processed through comedy on stage because I've heard some stories on stage and I'm like damn that's fucked up but you made it real funny I mean that's what you know what's interesting I think the day I stopped trying to relate with the audience and decided just to take you into my world of it changed everything which is why like I got good at blacking out in characters which ended up making me a better actor so on stage you know when you watch a person like J.B. Smoove was one of my big influences.

He's so funny. The way he would milk a joke. Like the first time I ever see him on stage do that, I was like, yo,

this dude got to be the greatest of all time. Like I ain't never seen nothing like, because I couldn't forget the bits. It was to the point, one night I was recording

my own set and I kept it recording. So I would tell J.B., I said, J.B., I got like two of recording. So I would tell JB, I said, JB, I got like two of your sets that I would never sell, but I used to watch on my own time like homework all the

time and would laugh hysterically hard every single time. And it's just because that brother just milking a joke. I wasn't surprised when he got Curb Your Enthusiasm. I was so happy that finally his comedy interpreted,

like, it was on a Larry David show, right? And that's what happened. And it was like, he always been so brilliant to me, because that's who I learned from. So the way, you know, I'm a big Eddie Murphy fan fan with storytelling but my thing was about acting out the characters in the story and seeing how I could milk the scenario differently every time I went on stage yeah I love that a good joke that uh I love that is truly like no it's like a five minute bit it's Wanda Sykes and she talks about what if

women had a detachable pussy and all the reasons why you'd want to have one, what happens when it gets detached. And it just like keeps going. And it's so funny. So like when I'm trying to write a joke, I will listen to that over and over and over again to be like, well, she went this way, so I can go this way on it or I could go this way on it and uh yeah it's i i love writing jokes it is so hard but like when it all comes together you're like fuck yes yes i love this bit i love when the idea is fresh right i've never i've never written out a bit i've always kind of just knew the ideal of it and i've always trusted myself that and this you know so funny it's i don't know if i've ever said this like my imagination is crazy where i got that from

is from muffet babies they used to come on as a kid because the Muppet Babies, every episode would just make up their imagination was sore. So by the time when I started playing with my toys, I used to play with my toys and I had all, I had the G.I. Joes, Transformers, random toys. I would like make up high school scenarios with G.I. Joe at the high school with the sugar bear dude. It was weird.

Like, but I had a whole scenarios and my brothers participated with me and it was so interesting i didn't realize until i got older like damn i was like writing basically whole shows yeah for no reason even when we played basketball in our room we played five on five but we was playing one-on-one do you know you know your imagination gotta be passing the ball to yourself, to the post? I know it sounds crazy, but that is what my imagination would do.

That's what I would do. I would act out things in my room. I used to, when I finally saw Late Night, I would be like, oh, I could be an actress on Late Night. So then I would pretend to be the actress, pretend to be the host, and then act out the scene that I was showing them just like in my room late at night in the dark I feel like a lot of creative people spend time talking to themselves and like picturing

themselves as other people and sometimes I'm like am I crazy and I'm like no no I'm just creative I'm creative that that that's what I love about like, no, no. I'm just creative. I'm creative. That's what I love about being a dad now. I was just telling one of my friends this is that. Like, I'm so open to the create. Like, they're learning to play the piano when they are. So I bought them a keyboard, piano, whatever the other day. But it's like right away, whatever you want to do creatively.

All right, cool. Let's do it. Let's just, you know, I think for me, my parents, even though they were creative, and believe me, they're a lot more creative than most parents, so I was able to do some creative things. But they still didn't really know what to do with me for real. And so, like, I get excited that I do know what to do with my very creative children. Like, hey, whatever idea you have, even if it's not entertainment, creativity, whatever it is. Cool. Let's do it. Let's explore that. And that's because I've lived this very creative life and I've created this space where like. It looked like they're comfortable and understand their dreams come true.

So it's a first thought to them that their dreams can come true. See, that's nice nice that's so nice because i feel like a lot of times kids i mean me specifically like i didn't know i could be an actor i didn't know that that was an option i didn't know comedy was an option i didn't know anything was an option besides you know doctor lawyer fireman you know or a police lady or bus driver working a supermarket like just normal shit like entertainment like wasn't a thing but it's like why not introduce kids to that like you know make them take an acting class in school make them like i don't know the arts are treated as such as like as a side thing in school where it's like oh it's an after-school thing it's a hobby it's this it's that it's like yeah oh, it's an after school thing. It's a hobby. It's this, it's that. It's like, yeah, but like, what if they're really great?

What if you've got the next Picasso or whoever like sitting there? It's like, why not let them work on that? And then, you know, maybe math is a hobby. Because I don't, I've never, nobody's had me do algebra. Nobody's algebra-ed me in the real world. You know what I'm saying? Nobody's like quick Nicole there's a gun to your head what is the circumference of this globe and I'm like I don't

know it hasn't happened yet so I'm like why not introduce things to kids to see what they like right I don't know no that is that is you know no and I look at it like just being black like I know what my family they just wanted us us to have a real safety net, something that felt secure. And the way, and so I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately. But it's funny the way entertainment, even though people enjoy watching it, I feel like some people was ashamed of our entertainers, right? And it wasn't their fault neither because they only could do what was offered

to them at the time. And with them not, like, that's why I love my family. I remember at first they was all kind of against me doing stand-up. I got a family

full of educators. They was like, you want to do what? Only my mom was really supportive about it. And it was like, yo, do whatever you want. And my dad, I mean, my dad was supportive, but he really, like, I didn't realize till like later on how much he supported me because he didn't feel comfortable saying it.

You know, he's an old school black man. He's not going to be like, I'm proud of you. He'll be like, mm, he's not. You got to hear from somebody else, man. Your daddy talking about you all the time. Yeah, right. When? When?

I never hear it. Pass out your flyers everything at the job. He did. But that's how I would learn, though, which is very interesting. And, you know, I look at it like I love my family because at one point, I think I was leaving to New York when we was going to do Friends of the People. I was leaving Chicago. And me leaving Chicago was so dramatic because I was just about to go through a divorce.

I had to give up that first house I ever got. It was like the last episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air when he left the house. And looks around the empty house and is like, all right. And that's closing a sitcom, right? That was me leaving my life like, well, marriage is over with. I'm going to New York City to pursue my dream. Put up my family. I'm going to New York City to pursue my dream.

Put up my family. And so it's like adjusting to my new life after that. But I remember my family giving me a dinner apologizing for not believing in me at first. Damn. That's nice. That was the most beautiful experience. And I love them. They're so supportive.

They're like, they're so supportive where you almost get embarrassed about how supportive they are. That's nice though. I do screens in Chicago. They got L'Oreal shirts on. L'Oreal family. They're like, oh, come on, yeah. But that's what they do. Because when they support, they support. They're like, we are in these streets supporting.

We are in these streets. I love that. Real quick, we got to take a break. Oh, cool. Real quick, we got to take a break. Oh, cool. We're back. Okay.

So tell me about the time that you were thrown off a horse on a date. It wasn't a date. It was, I mean, it was vacation. So I went on a vacation. Okay. With my ex. And you know what's funny? I tell people this.

If you want to know if something's going to work, spend maybe like $48 with somebody. Consecutively. If you can get through that, y'all might be all right. Okay? Like, for real. Okay. Two days. Take the trips. Two full days.

Well, y'all got to be around each other, like, simultaneously. Uh-huh. So, yeah, we went on this vacation, which was crazy. And she wanted to get on these horses. We're sitting on the beach, chilling. Mm-hmm. And I was really hesitant about this, I'm like, seeing this dude, he got the horse with the ropes, but they all kind of like a little out of control. And I'm like.

Fighting with him. I don't know. I don't think we should do this. I don't know if he has control over these horses. Oh, baby, now you're tripping. He does this every day. Nobody's probably been hurting. Obviously, he wouldn't be walking these horses if the horses is out here fucking everybody up.

And so, like, I'm like, all right, cool. So I get to it. He can barely speak English. He's like, all right, brother. Yeah. So he put on this, like, nice little cool horse. And I don't ride horses like that. I didn't learn how to ride horses until after that.

So, oh, God, that's such a crazy story. So I get on the horse, right, and I could tell the horse is irritated. The horse was, like, irritated. Like, he don't want me on his back or her back. I don't know what horse I was on. This is an aggressive horse. So I'm on this gender-neutral horse. No, I'm joking.

I'm on this horse, right? And they start arguing. The horse is, and he's speaking Spanish. And I'm like, yo, what are they talking about? This is like, if you want me to get off, I can meet y'all back at the cabana. And I'll watch you and I'll take some videos and you look cool. She's like, baby, no. So we make it kind of down the beach.

Now we're going to do the turnaround. We got to go back to where we're going. And now he's doing a lot. And I'm like, hey, sir, excuse me. Hey, sir. This horse is losing his mind. So the horse started doing some even more crazy stuff.

Knock me off of it. I fly off, right? I'm like on the ground. Everybody's on the beach looking. People are like panicking. Oh my God, you okay? My glasses is all over the place. I got sand in my eyes. I'm trying to play it cool. I had this cool outfit on that I, like, picked out specifically for that beach day. I'm like, oh, man, I can't wait to.

And we took a picture of the horse. We look cool with the first picture. You look cool with the horse. And then the horse said goodbye. But, man, I was so embarrassed. And I just remember being so mad about it. And he's like, what, dog, you want to come back on? I'm like, I'm not getting back on this horse.

I'm going to meet y'all at the fucking cabana. But let me get in this ocean so I can get some of this sand out my ass. And so, like, I went to the ocean. And I met the back over there. And she's like, baby, you okay? And I'm just like, see, this is why at 40, at that time, like 40, that I don't want to date nobody 30 and under. Because you put me in a situation that was not fair. If you was at my age and somebody said, hey, man, I'm good, you would respect that and say, well, I'm going to have a

good time. I'll be right back. That's what I like about dating my girl now. We're both, we're grown as fuck, okay? If it's something I don't want to do, she don't bother me about it. Or she has a better way. I'll explain to her, well, I think this looks dangerous. She'll be like, you're right. But when you got a lot of energy, like, no, let's just do it anyway.

Come on, come on. It'll be fun. I don't worry about tailbone. This is my career. Yeah, I'm happy to be at an age where I can go, not for me. Not for me. I was in Mexico and nobody wanted me there. I was in a very gay part of Mexico, though. But we were going to this private beach.

Where's the gay part of Mexico? Puerto Vallarta. Really? Lots of drag? Puerto Vallarta. Really? Lots of drag shows. Very gay. But we were going to this like private beach. And the way you get there is by boat or you can hike. And everyone was talking.

They were like, oh, maybe we'll hike. Oh, we'll hike. And I was like, well, I'll see you when I see you. I simply will not be hiking. I couldn't possibly and they're like no no it's easy and i was like truly thank you for the thought thoughts and prayers to you uh i i guess i just and they're like but the views and i was like they i won't see them and that's sad but i will not hike and then finally everyone was like okay fine and then a couple people hiked a couple people got

on the boat and then all the hiking people came back all sweaty and shit and i was like yeah god bless that's why i didn't want to fucking do that let me enjoy this private beach but then i cracked my nail open and i didn't really enjoy it so you went there by yourself no i went with a couple of friends i went with um three friends and then met up with three friends down there. I used to vacation by myself a lot. Like, I still do. I still try to do. It's interesting now that I'm booed up.

Like, because I used to like to take one trip by myself a year. Where have you gone? Hawaii. I went to Hawaii two years straight by myself. I went to Mauui the first year and honolulu the second year and honolulu was turnt yeah what i do is i go from christmas eve to pass uh new year's eve oh okay i like that i like to be out of my house for new years i like to be out of the country somewhere fun but here's the the thing. Okay, I get worried. I don't love doing things by myself.

I will go to, like, a coffee shop by myself. I will go shopping by myself. I'll go to, like, a dinner, eat at the bar. But, like, do you go on adventures by yourself? Yeah. I mean, like, even when I was a boy, like, I went zipping. I did everything by myself. Oh, okay.

Everything. Like, because the thing about it, I went to, like, a luau by myself. And, like, this white family tried to adopt me. It was kind of weird. I was thing about it, I went to a luau by myself and this white family tried to adopt me. It was kind of weird. I was like, I'm grown. I don't need no family.

I'm good. Write it down. It's a movie. Get out too. That's what it felt like. And I'm like, what the fuck? I'm grown.

I'm okay. I'm sweaty. I'm fine. And I remember the black people that was there too. Like, hey, brother, you good? Because I still be weird. I do love black people that was there too. Like, hey, brother, you good? Because I still be with you. I do love black people because we truly will be like, hey, what's going on?

You all right? You good? We ain't want to bother you. We ain't blow your spot up. You know what I mean? We know who you is, but you good. You don't know them people. I'm like, no, I don't.

Okay. That means no if you don't want to be with them. You don't want to be with them? Because they was really really like I'm like God are you alone and I hate that I gave them that information

I wish I would have been like oh my wife is at the resort and I was just like no I'm by myself like why why I just wanted some time myself

and just chill you know they're like you can tell us it must be tragic are you going through something what is it? I was like, no, just along.

Oh, come on. Just wanted to sit in the ocean for hours and not answer to nobody. And I love my children because they understood. I'm like, yeah, come on. Because what I do is take them on a trip, and I'm like, I just want something away from everything. That's nice. Everything. Like, just, and reset.

Even with, like, creativity, it lets me sit in that alone. Like, you know what I mean? If I had some ideas, I could just sit in it a little longer without. So, I don't know. I love doing that, actually. It's the best thing I do. Maybe I'll do that. That sounds really nice to just, like, be alone with my thoughts,

maybe get some work done done but also maybe have a nice time by myself well this is revolutionary for me i love this i think i'm definitely i'm gonna do that this year i'm gonna go somewhere for the weekend just for me it's the best way especially i guess like especially during my single time like when i and i used to like showing it like i went to antigua to meet some friends. But I went by myself and it was spontaneous. It was like a couple of Valentine's Day ago.

I saw one of my boys' story. I'm like, hey man, where you at? He said, I'm in Antigua. I'm like, he said, pull up. I'm like, all right. And with that, I had the time of my life.

Because it's like, you know, at that time I was single. And I tell my single friends to do that too. Go alone. And just have a good time. Just have a nice time. Just have a nice time.

Be honest. You ain't got to lie about nothing. Just have fun. And believe me, you'll have a great time. Yeah. Wait, okay. So before you got booted up, were you on any of the apps? Were you like on Bumble and Raya and that shit? All of them on Bumble and Raya and that shit?

All of them. I was on Raya, Bumble. Bumble and Raya was Soul. I was on a black one too called Soul something. I forget what it's called. Soul Swipe? Soul Swipe. I love Soul Swipe. I just found out about Soul Swipe.

It was, like, Bamba was fun because I like that, you know, women have to choose you. And so, like, you have to wait on that, and that's dope. But Raya was lit, too. I was, I mean, I'm going to do this thing. I was on the apps, but I also would shoot my shot, too. Which is why Issa, Issa Rae was like, you for the streets. And I'm like, shut up. I'm single.

But I was just but I was I was just I was single I don't know else how to be single without being single right you know what I mean and I'm like kind of

I'm an old school Chicago guy so I will shoot my shot I'm the send a drink to you guy like hey ask her what she's doing tell her it's on me see that's nice

I love when when gentlemen in bars buy me drinks because then I'm like, you're already spending money on me and you don't know what I sound like? I'm very annoying. You might regret it. Damn. He's like, give me my money back. But see, you learn to do that without trying to get anything from it right like i would do that just out if i see like some uh group of women having a great time

i would send them shots of drinks and just you know just cinema just do this leave it at that and usually if you do that honestly i guess i'm i'm out the game now so i give all my tips uh if you do that whoever really likes you are intrigued by you they're the one that's going to come speak to you so you just wait on them honestly that's a good game that's like some baller shit

to be like oh ladies have whatever and then yeah it's a numbers game if there's five women one maybe two will be like, oh, hi. That was really sweet of you. Do you want your dick sucked? But it helps, too. It's like if there's a couple of them that's not single, you don't make the mistake of talking to who's ever booed up.

Because they usually cheer on the one that said, girl, you go. Girl, go over there. Nice, nice. So, because they usually cheer on the one that said, girl, you go. Girl, go over there. Nice, nice. Oh, my God. This is, I think, life-changing for some listeners. Because it's life-changing for me. I was like, oh, my God, yeah. Target a group, and then someone in the group will want you.

Go to brunch, bruh. It's like literally fishing. Go to brunch. Go to a nice brunch where you know it's going to be. And then you just, you know just either bring one of your homeboys or sit there alone, chill out, wear a nice outfit, cross your legs,

send some shots, wave at them with a smile. They will be like, especially if you're not asked, you're not coming over there, you're not jumping into their space, you're still chilling. Ooh. Boom. Ooh. Boom. Ooh, that's smooth.

Ooh, I love that. Okay, we have to take one more break. Wait, who introduced you to Bumble? Hannibal. I think we was in Toronto doing, like, a Just for Laughs festival. So we was, like, went to get some, like, food. I was like, what do you do? He's like, yeah, I put his business out there.

But we was hanging out, and he was like, what is that? He's like, it's Bumble, man. The women choose you. I'm like, for real? That's cool. And then I sat on right then and there, and that's when my Bumble journey started in Toronto. I'm like, for real? That's cool. And then I sat on right then and there. And that's when my Bumble journey started in Toronto. I love it.

You were like, what's this? Tell me more. They choose. Oh, okay. I don't got to do no work. I want in. Who have you matched with on Raya that's, like, fun? Can you say?

Would you say? Yeah. I mean, I matched up with Lizzo before. Did you say? Would you say? Yeah. I mean, I messed up with Lizzo before. Did you talk to Lizzo? We did, actually. Did you go on a date with Lizzo? Nah.

We were supposed to. We were supposed to link up, but. Now you're both booed up. Booed up. But she, I mean, she's a, that's at the time

when she just had Coconut Oil out, which I love that song. And yeah, just to watch her just like explode. But she was really cool, though. She was real cool. She seems cool. I've met her twice over Zoom and once in person. She's very lovely.

She's very funny, too. I've met some amazing, like Raya, it was, I met some really dope women on Raya, like from around the world, actually. Really? Raya has not was, I met some really dope women on Raya, like from around the world, actually, which is. Really? I, Raya has not been kind to me. Raya has been very, very bad. The last few matches I had, both of them were like, it's probably uncool to say here, but I'm a big fan. And then I was like, I don't want to unpackage. Are you speaking to me just because you're a big fan?

Or are you speaking to me saying you're a big fan and then you want to take me out or something? So I've just like, I opened it, but I didn't respond. And they haven't said anything. So I think it was just like them saying that they like me. Yeah, dating right now. I'm just like, I don't know. It's not fun right now, I'm just like, I don't know. It's not fun right now. And I would just like to open my door and then someone's there and they're like, hello, Nicole.

I love you. That's what I want. That's what's so funny about comedy. Comedy, we mask so much stuff by making it funny. And even just listening to that, right, I'm laughing, but I have literally another part of my brain that's like,

oh, Nicole deserves somebody dope. She's cool. She's funny. Like, she's super chill. Like, why she ain't got nobody yet? But that's how I felt about myself for a while until I met Danella. Like, she's, this is something I've never, I literally, and I don't, this is not even no name dropping shit, but this is literally, like, maybe before I got here to do this,

I was on the phone with my friend Sherri Shepherd, who was just calling to check on me. And we were just talking about life shit. She was just telling me how happy she is for me and stuff like that. And telling me how happy I am for her. But I was like, yo, I almost gave up on this shit. Like, for real. Like, I was like, maybe I was married before. Maybe I fucked that up. And that's just what it is.

And I don't deserve nobody else. But I go to therapy. I remember my therapist saying this to me, like, you know, yeah, you can make mistakes and not be perfect. You were young, this and that. Like, you don't have to hold yourself and think you don't deserve love just because it's not coming the way you want it to. And also, like, what do you need to make yourself better to even attract it? Mm-hmm. And so, like, working on myself, like, by the time I I met Danella I was in a really chill place

like I wouldn't even any on no thirsty shit like I like like I stopped a lot of things you know what I mean I was like alright you know I took a a real sex break

like for real and it was tough cause it was like I'm at the height of yeah you're doing very well so the ladies are like here for it what thank god for my old school

energy i got now i was like is it worth the headache you know i mean like that comes with if i do this especially if i know i don't really like you like that i know you fine, but you don't read much. I don't want to do this, man. You don't read much. You don't read much. You have no opinion about anything. You don't know adult well. All those things I literally, you know, man. And even with that, right, it's interesting, too, because I feel like for me, I needed somebody who could show me that they could be a fan of mine, of my work, along with seeing me for real.

And what I love about Danella is I felt like when she saw me in some of my most vulnerable moments, she still thought I was dope. And she still was like, I still love what type of man you are. I'm like, and she still was like, I still love what type of man you are. I'm like, damn. And my vulnerability when I felt weak and you ain't like, because I honestly feel like it was times in my life where I had some weak points where, you know, women that were in my life would kind of be like, if they never saw me have that before, they was like, ooh, I don't know what to do with that.

Real is usually like, you know, but like, I'm like, damn, do with that real is usually like you know but like I'm like damn I can't even be that around you shit and so for her to accept that and

you know it was it was crazy too in the beginning I was dating it was some real some moment moments that happened

and I was just like you know and I'm the one she just came behind me. She rubbed my back. She didn't say anything. She left, came back with some crab legs, which I love. And that was, that was it.

And I was like, oh, okay. So yeah, I don't know, man. I don don't know the way you talk about her so nice it's so like that's truly what i like i know i want someone who loves me who's kind to me who likes me for me who's okay that i'm not always performing and like you, have down days. But I also want someone who talks about me in like such a way that like other people know how much they love me. Do you know what I mean? Like the way you just talked about her, I was like, oh, I feel it.

I feel it. And that's beautiful. That's like so nice. And yeah, like just someone who like respects me enough to like really, you know, lift me up when they talk about me. Well enough to like really, you know, lift me up when they talk about me. Well, that's when, you know, when somebody, and she says this all the time as a compliment to me, she's like, I like that you see me and I don't have to dumb myself down with you. That's what she says to me.

And I'm like, damn, you had to do that? You being so intelligent to make that guy secure you had to act like and that's that's like yo and i wonder how many how many times have i been in a situation where somebody thought that's what i wanted and maybe i didn't get them i'll tell you you know so it was a i recently saw her too oh it's crazy when you see somebody you used to date. And she was close, too. Ooh, she was close. She was so dope. But here we go.

We go out one night with her and her sister and her friends, and she's fucking hysterical. Like, comedy show funny. She's not even a comic. I'm in tears laughing. And at some point, I stopped laughing. Like, wait a minute. How long have you been this fucking funny? Right?

And I mean, and why don't get this person? You're hysterical. How did I not get so, when we were about to get back, you know, to the crib, and I'm like, can we talk? She's like, what? I'm like, why I ain't never got this out of you? You know, I didn't want to be chilled. I didn't know if that was, like, no, I want to know you. Don't give me a version

that you would give to a boyfriend. Because people do that. They separate. I'm like, however you act in front of your friends, give me that too. I want to, like,

you're hysterical. So you're holding back all this funny shit. I don't know. First of all, also, that means I don't know what you're saying about me

when I ain't around you. You're just fucking funny. What you said about me, you know what I mean? So, I was like, damn, I don't remember what you're saying about me when I ain't around you. You just fucking funny. What you said about me. You know what I mean? So I was like, damn. And I'm going to be telling her that. And I think she understood, but she didn't. But I'm like, no, I want to know who you are.

Like, what's up? That's so interesting because it's like, on one hand, maybe she does separate who she is with her friends and who she is when she's dating somebody. But on the flip side, she might have been like, I know I'm funny. Rel's an actual comedian who makes money being funny. So let me turn off my funny so he feels like he's the funniest one since that's what he's supposed to be in that relationship. And that's such an interest. I do that sometimes where I like anticipate what I think somebody wants out of me. And I'll be like, okay, I'll do this because that's going to make me the perfect girl for you.

Where it's like, no, you just got to be you, Nicole. And it's hard. It's really hard when you're like, I just want love. You know, I wonder, is it too like, you know, I remember therapy might help me with this. When I got into this comfortable place, me displaying my vulnerability was the version of her not being funny in front of me. We all had these different vulnerability things. My vulnerability was showing a softer side to me in front of somebody. You know what I'm saying?

And I had to get comfortable doing it in front of who got it or not. If that turns you off, then you ain't for me then. Yeah. Oof. Oof. Oof. Well, I think, oh, wait, do you have any advice for me on how to get somebody to love me? You know, something to code, just keep being you.

I think you're, and I'm being honest, right? I think, you know, outside of you being funny and talented and all that good stuff, you're very sweet. You're insanely intelligent. You're beautiful. You're sexy. You know what I'm saying? And you're cool. And I think, you know, I just hate, like, we in this business where people love to chase what they see on that screen.

Mm-hmm. And I had a few tries before this shit felt right. You know what I'm saying? I just think your heart got to be open. Like, I think we take heartbreak too seriously, so we hold back. Mm-hmm. A lot of us are grown AF. Okay?

Mm-hmm. If somebody don't fit, just move the fuck along. Yeah. That's tough, though. It's so hard to just be like, all right, that didn't work out. Well, I mean, I do it in life. I don't cry about auditions. Yes!

I get rejected almost every day not almost i get rejected every single day from something that i'm like oh man i really wanted that and then i'm like well it wasn't for me or maybe someone will drop out and it will be for me i don't know whatever but i don't like cry about it because that's life and i guess i should put that in with dating yes yes okay rel okay okay well we've come to the end um very abruptly i'm like we've got we're done um but i ask all my guests this would you date me if i I was single, yeah. Oh, I love to hear that. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Yeah, just, hey man, check out our podcast, Keeping It Real with Young Wayne on any place you list a podcast. Every Tuesday we have a new episode and it's not what

you expect, you know, like add a whole episode of me just talking about going to therapy. It's just, it's funny, but it's very real, which is why I call it keeping it real. And you just seeing a whole nother side with me with great guests and stuff like that. My,

my good friend, young Wayne, we basically brought our phone conversations to a podcast. I love that. I also, yeah, I just, I love listening to you talk and I think you're wonderful and you're funny so

i think yeah if you got the time listen to that podcast also rel is in a hundred thousand movies that you can watch and he's so good in each and every one like literally if you haven't seen get out his performance and get out is so fucking good. It's like, it really like, it grounds you out of it being so like scary. Do you know what I mean? Like every time we cut to you, I'm like,

oh, relief from all of this tension that has been building. And then by the end, the end is spectacular and I love it. I could truly wax on poetically about you forever, but we got to end. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you give it five stars on Apple Podcasts.

And if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it and you can write it to whywontyoudatemepod me podcast at gmail.com this nice person said at the end of each episode when you ask the guest is there anything you want to plug i always go your butt five stars love you thank you bye bye that's it for why won't you Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.