Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Around the World (w/ Colton Dunn)

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

Comedian and Nicole's fictional boyfriend Colton Dunn (Superstore, Grand Crew, Key and Peele) joins Nicole to talk about dating customs in Europe (and what we can learn from them), getting mad at your partner over what they did in your dream, and what surprised him most about becoming a dad. He reflects on why improv might never be cool- even if you're good at it, and shares behind-the-scenes stories from some of the most iconic Key & Peele sketches. Plus: diaper blowouts, fake babies at Disneyland, and getting called the "Black Seth Rogen."Watch this episode here: https://youtu.be/qYOWub9maa0Write Nicole a dirty message! Send it to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Support this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» ZocDoc: Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/DATEME to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.» Sorry I Missed This: Search for “Sorry I Missed This” in your favourite podcast app! https://lnk.to/sorryimissedthisPSView all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ZocDoc.com slash date me! Zocdoc.com slash date me! Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come in my hand and tell me it was a filling for my tooth.

My guess did- Oh. Ha! Jesus. Oh. Ha ha ha. My guest today is a comedian, actor, and Emmy nominated writer that you know from Superstore, Key and Feel, and The Recruit. And he played my boyfriend on Grand Cru on NBC RIP.

It's Colton Dunn. What's up? What dentist have you been going to? One that makes me afraid to open my mouth. How many fillings do you have? I have so many fillings. Oh, no. I had a whole ordeal where I cracked a tooth,

had to go to the dentist, had to get my wisdom teeth taken out, a crown, a root canal, ugh, it was awful. Ugh! And then recently I went to the dentist. My boyfriend was like, go to my dentist. And I said, okay. And somehow he sent it to me. And then I sent it to my assistant to set up

because I don't wanna call anybody. And I sent her the wrong dentist. And I went to the wrong dentist and they said, who to and I said his name and they were like oh okay no recollect like she just like went in her computer she's like I'll just note it how was it not great oh no and I was telling my boyfriend about it and he was like there is no male dentist there and I was like weird wow so did you make another appointment for the right one he told me to I was like, weird. Wow. So did you make another appointment for the real one? Yes, for the right one.

He told me to, I was crying at one point because I just don't like the dentist and he said, hey, man up. And I was like, uh, uh, uh, uh. Man up. Man up. You have a whistle around his neck? He's like, all right, man up, huddle up. We're gonna get this touchdown

and we're gonna get a grand slam. You probably should have manned up a little bit. Sounds like you fell apart a little bit. I did, I really did. But then they gave me the gas. Oh boy. And that was nice. That was good, okay, so they got you back on board.

They did, and I was ha ha ha, I was trying to answer them because they were talking over me Colin how are you? I'm doing great. When did you start doing improv? Started like in high school. I started really in high school. Yeah. Oh, when did you find UCB like in your 20s? Oh I mean, yeah, but uh, yeah for sure. No, I started so I started in like as I graduated high school in 1995 Okay, right. So like I started doing it probably in 93 They started a thing called Comedy Sports High School League at my high school

where we played like short four improv games. That's how I got into it. At UCB, I came when I visited New York and this is like before I was even gonna move out there, I just went out there for a visit and saw a show. But it was just before they even had a theater, they were just doing their stage show. Was that in a storefront of a strip club?

No, but that was a theater that they had. That's where I interned at that time. But this is before that. This is at the, I believe, the Red Room above the KGB bar. Okay. That doesn't exist anymore, does it? I have no idea. Who knows?

New York is so far away. New York is wild, man. Simply don't know. New York is one of the characters of the movie, you know? ["Wild Man"] ["Wild Man"] I love when people say that, like about sex in the city. They're like, New York is the fifth girl.

He's like, okay, I get it. I'm in New York. Oh! She's a Miranda. I'm in New York. That's Brooklyn. Oh. So when you started doing improv in New York, like okay, was improv cool in high school?

Like were people? No, I was like, it's still not cool. I don't know if it's ever gonna be cool. I mean, it kind of is. When I started doing improv, I was like, oh my God, these little hotties, da da da da da. Did you ever like, did you ever fuck anybody who like came to a show and you were like,

yep, we're hopping in, we're hopping in. After you did the make-ups, did somebody go, ooh, Colton, make me up. Of course. I don't know, yeah. What was that like? I don't know if that's why, I don't know exactly what their motives were, if it was just because I did the make-up-ups. I think there's something to it, like a funny guy,

and then you watch them perform and you're like, oh my god, that's so hot. Yeah. Did you have a lot of groupies? No, no, no, no, no, nothing like that. No. I mean, I think the thing about improv is that it's really cool, especially if you're also

an improviser watching it. You know, like that's when it becomes like cool. I think for everybody else, it can be, it can be funny. It could be almost maybe seem like kind of like a parlor trick. But for people who are improv fans, those people, you know, once you do it, then you kind of like get really excited about seeing it happen. I do like good improv. Ugh, it's so fun to watch. You're just like, oh, you remembered that. then you kind of like get really excited about seeing it happen. I do like good improv.

Oh, it's so fun to watch. You're just like, oh, you remembered that. I can't believe it. I can't believe you brought that back 45 minutes later. Ah! I had a show where this lady was like, you didn't rehearse any of that? And we're like, no.

And she's like, what do you mean? But like, when you said this, they said that, it seems like it was rehearsed. And I was like, lady, I don't know. Like this isn't the moment where I'm gonna say, you caught us, we rehearsed this for eight weeks and still fucked up. Like what?

I mean, cause it's also, it feels like explaining it makes it sound just so dumb too. Because I used to do these shows in Holland. Do improv shows. At Boom Chicago. At Boom Chicago. And dude, a lot of Dutch people just did not believe that we were improvising They were like no

Come on, you know like they would like after the show they'd hang out and they're really honest too just I found a general of Dutch people as we're like here You know in the States, people are a little bit more pleasant and they won't insult you to your face or tell you how they really feel about you. They'll be like, that painting looks great, great job.

But they're not like that. They'll be like, that show sucked. You'll be like, oh, I did not like it. I did not like that show at all. Oh, okay, all right. That's so wild to seek somebody. You were especially bad because, you know, you'd be like, you know,

because I know that you definitely met, you wrote that rap before. And I'd be like, no, we just make the raps up. And I'm telling you, it's like, no, no, no, no. No, you're a bad rapper. Yeah, you're a bad rapper. And I know it in my heart. Like, hey man, look.

I was in Amsterdam and I was talking to a bartender. I was like, what's your name? And he was like, David. And I was like, look. I was in Amsterdam and I was talking to a bartender. I was like, what's your name? And he was like, David. And I was like, not very Dutch. And he went, I'll give word to my parents. I was like, oh, I was just kidding. I just, and then he was mean to me for the duration of my stay at this bar.

He was like, oh, you again? You want another drink? Sorry, I'm David. And I was like, okay, David, God bless. Did you date when you were in Amsterdam? Yeah, I'm David. And I was like, okay, David, God bless. Did you date when you were in Amsterdam? Yeah, I did, you know, I mean, yeah, sure. You know, I... You know, here's another interesting thing,

just sort of culturally, at least when I was there, the way the dating thing there worked, it was very different. It was different than here, because you wouldn't ask somebody out on a date. Like, you know, if I had met a Dutch woman or something, and you know, through friends or whatever, and I was like, oh man, you know, she's really cute,

I'd like to take her out for a date. Like, you tell somebody, I'm gonna ask her out, they'd be like, don't do it, that's not how it works here. You kind of have to like hang out in like group situations That's how they feel more comfortable and you kind of like play it out there and then eventually If it's gonna happen, it'll split off Like I never really I I didn't stick around long enough to follow it all the way through into being married but you know a few of the cast members did but but their courting process is is

It's sort of different in that way like, because the date is so intimate, you know? And for them, it's like, they're like, why would we do, why do I wanna go sit one on one and have a dinner with just one person when we could all just hang out together and like have fun and there's no pressure to like, for me just to impress you or you just to impress me, we're all just hanging out and having a good time.

I mean, it does make sense. A date is incredibly intimate. You are going by yourself to be like, I hope this person likes just me, and I don't have anybody to bounce off of except for a server. And then if you do too much, you're fucking weirdo. It just makes it so desperate for both people.

It is very desperate. Dating is one of the most desperate things you can do. I'm so glad I don't have to do it. It's nice, right? To not be in the streets. I love it. In Paris or in France, apparently, you like go on a date, but you never make it official. You just stop seeing other people

and then hope that person does too. And then once you're together long enough, you're like, I guess we're a couple. Oh, but do you even discuss whether or not you've stopped seeing other people or you just kind? Oh, but do you even discuss whether or not you've stopped seeing other people, or you just kind of like, just notice? From what I saw on the, like, it was like a YouTube video.

No. Okay, so they're just, so the assumption is you're seeing a bunch of people. Yeah, until you're like, I guess we're not. Until you're like, let's get married. I guess. And then it'd be like, okay, so we're not gonna see other people.

Oui, et vous n'aiment pas si... I mean, at least that's clear. At least it's a clear, everything's stacked up. It's not like this thing. So yeah, you know. Because here it's very convoluted. You're just like, okay, we met one on one. I think I like you.

We'll go out again and then hopefully you'll call me back or text me back or you'll just ghost me. Yeah. Colton, how did you meet your wife? Oh, wow. Well, you know, we've known each other for a ghost mate. Yeah. Colton, how did you meet your wife? Oh, wow. Well, you know, we've known each other for a long time. Prior to us dating and then getting married,

we were friends. And so I actually met her, I was her teacher, years and years ago at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. And we just became friends after that and remained close and would connect and we each kind of went off on our own adventures but always kind of came back and would hang out again. And then at one point we were sort of both single

at the same time and kind of started hanging out. And yeah, she was always great. Blossomed from there. I like that. I like stories about people who meet long ago, not long ago, but a while ago, and then just kinda get back together. I think that's so sweet.

Kind of orbit each other. Yeah, I love that so much because you then get to learn so much about that person so when you start dating, there's a shorthand. It's really fun now, especially know, especially we went to, where did we go? The other day we went somewhere. Erwan.

No, this was a trip that we took. It must've been into Hollywood. That's right, we went to the Grove. Ooh. And I think it was just kind of like, oh no, you know what it was? We went to the UCB. We went to go bring the kids to a kid show at UCB that I did.

I did an improv show for kids. And Adrian, my son, and my archer, also my son, came. And, but he's just one, so he... So he was just like people. He's like, well, yay! He did like cheer and clap when he saw other people clap and he was clapping too. Um, but, but you know, my wife and I are walking around there and clap when he saw other people clapping. He was clapping too.

But, you know, my wife and I were walking around there, and I mean, we both had such like crazy times on that block. I'm Franklin Avenue, getting drunk at Byrd's into La Puebel's back room. We parked, and we were on that one side street up from the newsstand, you know? and we found a little spot to park there We got him got the kids out and I'm like pulling eight, you know My son Adrian out and she's and we get on the sidewalk. She's like dude. She's like hold on. This is

We had wild times here and now we've got our now we're here with two kids daytime children's show. I love that so much. What's something that surprised you about becoming a father? I think there's a lot of stuff that I always saw as like, you'd be like, ha ha, dads, they're doing that. And it was kind of like a joke stereotype. But then it happens, it actually happens to you

when you become a dad, you know, and like, you know, trying to get everybody out of the house on time or not wanting a bunch of people giving you directions while you're trying to drive, like, just like weird, you know, dad stuff, you know? Making some dumb joke that nobody laughs at and you just kinda chuckle to yourself. You're like, I'm alone on that one?

Okay, that thought it was pretty fucking funny. Yeah, but I think the most surprising thing is just how much I enjoy it, you know? Yeah, but I think the most surprising thing is just how much I enjoy it, you know? Mm-hmm. Once I can push past the workaholic nature of being an American capitalist and just be like, alright, I'm just gonna hang out here with my kid. And if I can get into that space, it's always just the most enjoyable, fulfilling time. That's cute.

Hello, Dad. I was a nanny for a while, and I think the worst part about having a kid is changing those fucking diapers where they like... The shit explodes and it's like up their back. And you're like, well, now I gotta dip you in water or something. I can't just wipe this off. You have to have a full-ass bath now. It's a full-ass bath and everything. Sometimes I do it again.

Dude, my son one time when he was really young, we were about to leave on like a camping trip and we had to load in the car and Jessica set him down in the little play pen to like grab a bag to hand me to go bring to the car and then she just came back and she goes, oh my God, as I'm loading stuff in the car, I just get this text and it's just my son

like sitting now naked with just shit all over the playpen and he's just holding the diaper with a big smile on his face. And he had just ripped his diaper off. You know, they're animals, man. They really are, they're feral. You have to tame them. I was recently in New Orleans

and I went to this jazz festival and there was this little kid with like big crazy hair and was like shirtless and was like running around, had no shoes on. I was like, this is Tarzan. This little baby's Tarzan. And he was screaming at his mom. He was like, throw the ball, throw!

And then she would throw the ball and then he'd run after it. He was at the jazz festival? Everyone was at this jazz festival. It was the wildest. I love New Orleans. It was the best fucking people watching. There was a woman pushing a stroller with chickens in it, and was also holding a chicken.

And everyone was like, hmm, that's normal. It was wild. I loved it so much. Yeah, I've seen this more and more though. People with chickens? People with things that aren't babies in a stroller. And I'm seeing it more and more. And I'm just gonna, what I'm assuming is it's like everything else

that even though it's something different and that we haven't seen it before, I'm assuming that this is like a thing that's gonna start coming up more and more. And so, yeah, I do wanna know how to address, because I saw a woman like that at Disney. Oh, what did she have in her stroller? She had a doll with her.

Oh. A doll, and she was talking to the doll. Oh. And taking it on to the Little Mermaid ride. And kind of like sitting with the doll and like talking about, you know. And... Okay.

You know, and yeah, you know, it's outside of my thing that I've really seen. Yeah. You know, but still a person, you know. It's a person. And I want to know. That brings them joy. There's, I've seen like Instagram videos. What do we call them? I don't know, but still a person, you know? It's a person. And I wanna know. That brings them joy. There's, I've seen like Instagram videos.

What do we call them? I don't know, but there's people who have these like, real life like baby dolls. Oh shit, like the real dolls? Yeah. Yeah, they're terrifying. Yes, they're so scary. They're scary to me.

And they like flop around. Maybe other people love them, but they're scary to me. I think they're terrifying. And I think it's okay to be scared of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you like it, I love it, but I'm scared of it. And they'll, like, get together with other women who have these dolls and then have parties for their dolls.

For the dolls? Yeah. And I'm like, who... How are you deriving joy from this object not eating cake that you put in front of it? To me, that's a chance to do all the things I don't like to do as a parent. LAUGHING Plan a party for somebody else.

Yeah. Oh, my God. LAUGHING Is your kid in, the older one, is he in preschool? Uh, my son, Adrian, is, uh, he's about to start kindergarten next year. He's in a, uh, yeah, he's in like a pre-K or TK or whatever. I don't know what they call him. Has he made any bad friends? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I don't think so. I mean, he's, you know, he's, the class that he's in, just for however, you know, it wasn't, it's not normally like this at the school, but it just happens to be all boys. Oh. And so, you know, and I don't, um... You know, it'd be interesting to see what happens

when my other son goes in to school, because most likely that's not gonna happen, so it'll be interesting to see how they've... Because he definitely picks stuff up, but it's all just straight boy stuff. Just boys. He comes back with just the boyish stuff, and, you know, my wife would be like, I don't know, you know.

He's walking around and marching like a soldier. He keeps on marching like a soldier. And I'm like, well, he's talking to some other boy who's telling him what soldiers are. When I grow up, I wanna be a soldier. You know, and stuff like that. I love America, I wanna be a soldier. Well, he's not even gotten to that point

that it's like a soldier for a country. It's just this idea of a soldier who marches and carries a gun and you know. I nannied a little boy who, he started going to like pre-K or whatever and he came home and he was like, stupid and I was like, ah, we don't say that. He was like, Jackson says it.

And I was like, well, Jackson's, he's not a nice little boy. And then I had to keep telling was like, uh, we don't say that. He was like, Jackson says it. And I was like, well, Jackson's, he's not a nice little boy. And then I had to keep telling him, like, you can't just say whatever, that kid's, that kid, you're you, you can't do that. I think ours was, you're not my mom. He started saying that to, uh... His mother? No, no, we had like a babysitter,

and she basically had to be like, hey, you know, he said like, I'm not his mom. You know, mom you know we were like whoa like where did you hear that and he heard it from a kid at school who said that to the teacher you know so now it's like this whole thing of like really having to be like no you can't say that and teach him about like status and listen to adults so you know when we put them in charge you know but it's like, yeah, that was completely, we were like, what, where did you hear, you're not my mom. It's really funny though.

And I am, I do think it was from school, but you know, also sometimes kids just kind of, they just come to those same places on their own. Kids are so funny when they get their own little personalities. And you're like, Jesus, oh my God, my trainer lives in England and we do it on Zoom. And, cause he used to live here and we just stayed friends.

And he's like, I could train you on Zoom. I was like- What time is he doing the training at? I do it at 10 a.m. my time, which I think is 6 p.m. his time. So it like ends his day. And his son is usually home from nursery. That's what they say. And he used to talk to me all the time,

but as of recently, he'll be like, I am sorry, I don't have the time, I'm playing. Or I'm sorry, I'm waiting for cookies. Or he'll get on the Zoom and cover his face and be like, I'm so sorry, I just can't talk. And I think it's really, it's cute. Cause he's like, oh, apologetic. Yes, he's apologetic, but also upholding his boundaries.

He simply does not want to speak to me in that moment. And I like that. Yeah, yeah. And I try, you know, you have to balance, because kids will do that. And you have to try to balance supporting that. But sometimes they'll be like, you know, I prefer not to go to the zoo today.

And I'll be like, no, the whole plan is to go to the zoo today. We got five other people meeting us at the zoo. You know? You gotta go to the zoo. You know, we have to go to the zoo. You know? And if I'm not there on that day, and they gotta go to the zoo,

and the babysitter's there, and he goes, yeah, well, you're not my mom. You know, you have to like, so. Yeah, you gotta be like, well. It's tough, you know, you gotta have boundaries, but. You gotta go to the zoo, and that person is yeah, well, you're not my mom. You know, you have to like, so. It's tough, you know, then you gotta have boundaries, but. You gotta go to the zoo, and that person is not your mother, but you gotta listen to her.

God, that's so, you're not my mom. Yeah, man. I can't imagine being a teacher. Kids are so, they're smart, and they have access to so much shit, and they just, like, if a kid was like, you're not my mom, I'd be like, you're right,. I'm not I'm no one's mom. I'm so sorry And cartoons will do it too because they'll have the bad kid character in a cartoon

Yeah, but like if you don't have the context and like some kids will just watch like there's a character in Bluey that we were watching And he just loved this character because they're so funny to him, but it's like the worst character. Like it's so bad. He's like the whole idea is that he's misbehaving or whatever, but he just thinks it's the funniest, you know? And so you're like, hey man, don't, that's not cool, man. He's like, yeah, okay. Ha ha ha.

You know? Growing up, I had this book growing up called Bootsy Barker Bites. And Bootsy was a bully and I loved her because she had a fabulous hat. And I really couldn't move past it. I was like, I want to be Bootsy when I grow up. My mother was like, no, no, no, Bootsy's mean to the girl.

So you can't be Bootsy when you grow up. Was the book really called Bootsy or was it named after the other girl? It's called Bootsy Barker Bites. Okay. And I guess it was titled after Bootsy because she was the aggressor. Yeah, she's the one biting.

Yeah, but I was like. Like dog bites or whatever. But she's a star. She's the star. It's not named after the other girl. I'm almost 40, or 62, who knows how old I am, and I remember Bootsy. Hey, bullies are, hey. I don't remember this other idiot. If you're a bully, you can do anything you want

in this country. Truly. Ah. You. Anything you want. It is good to aspire to be a bully, you can do anything you want in this country. Truly. Ah. You. Anything you want. It is good to aspire to be a bully. You can immigrate to the US and get to the White House and make up your own agency. So you got to give it up, you know?

I have a quid. Wait. Before that question. Oh, yeah? Some sponsors? Let's take a break. OK, great. Ha ha ha.

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So- I'm gonna get that, what they just talked about. You're gonna get it? Whatever, yeah. Use my code. Got it. Date me. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. You wrote an op-ed about being called the Black Seth Rogan by a casting director. I did. When you heard that, what was your initial thought? I mean, I just thought it was, it was on par with everything else and how she talked to everybody else. So it just like, it just fit in.

Wait, so she said this in front of other people? Oh yeah, this was in a, in a, in the whole, did you not do this? Did you do the CBS diversity showcase? Uh, honk, honk, honk. I didn't say it. Uh. Honk, honk, honk. Honk, honk, honk. We can bleep that out. I didn't say it

We can bleep that out God yes, this was like because there's also I when I wrote that what had happened It was I think it was had to do with the maybe maybe something else happened with the CBS diversity showcase at some point, and I just kind of gave my two cents on it, but yeah, no, at the time, it was just kind of like, okay, she just kind of like, it was at the time, a kind of frumpy, not black guy who's successful and does comedy and wants to write. And I was a half black, half white guy

who was kind of frumpy and wanted to, so she's like, that guy's the black Seth Rogen. That's you, you know? So from her point of view, that's inspiring, you know? Yes. That's what's so horrible about that kind of stuff You know is that is like that person is the lesson is so hard learned for them because from their point of view they're being Inspiring they're doing anything, but you know trying to be racist or whatever and so yeah That was a I always find it weird when so, yeah, that was it.

I always find it weird when people do shit like that because it's like, you're Colton. You're not anything other than you. And it's just very weird to try to quantify you with somebody else and that whole experience was so nuts. I gotta say, you know, I have heard him laugh before and there's some times with with his laugh in my laugh that some people have pointed out that there's a

Fair there's a register that I know giggle guys hit some She told me she was like it doesn't matter if you lose weight or not You'll always just be the best friend. And I was like, okay. Oh, Jesus. Okay, thank you so much. Oh my gosh. There was so many wild things that happened at that time. I mean, that was like a straight up,

like you gotta lose weight, you need to put on weight, you need, you know, like just straight, in front of everybody saying this stuff. And it was kind of like, yeah, there was sort of, like right before all that stuff kind of fell apart as being as far as being acceptable. But it was, you know, all that those stories were all true, you know, everybody talked about. And yeah, there was one girl in my class, I don't know, in my group who was Latina.

And she was like, you need to lean into that. Be spicier. I was like, oh, I think you need to lean into that, be spicier. I was like, oh, I don't think you can say that out loud. Be spicier. Do you want her to throw pepper at you? What do you mean? It was just so wild of the way that they would describe people and she was a white woman and it was just like, she would say, and you're in a basement,

there's no windows and you're like, am I fucking going crazy? What's happening? It's insane. It was insane. It was insane. It was a wild process. It was an insane place. Very talented people went and did that though.

Met some really cool people. Same. And, you know, yeah, it was, you know, so it was good on that sense that it did get those talented people a platform, but yeah, it is a bummer that that was the platform that they had, you know. Yeah, you had to go to the basement

and be abused by a lady. Yeah, exactly. We got to act together. We've gotten to perform together. It's been wonderful, but on Grand Cru, it was so fun and joyful working with you because, like, I don't know, like, you just bring levity to shit.

And it was just like fun. We were like improvising stuff. Oh yeah. How do you, how do you keep, this is a weird question. How do you keep such like good spirits when you're like on a set for fucking 10 hours, waiting three hours for shit to be lit? They pay you a lot of money.

That's how, what are you talking about how? No, you're right, you're right. My phone is staying on, I'm happy. Nobody's taking my car, this is great. That's about it, you know what I mean? Because it is, you know, it's pretty, when you're in it, there are things that you could do that are like, oh, it could be a better situation

that I'm in right now, but if you scan back, you're in such a great situation that, you know, it's never that bad, you know, like, you have a late shoot, you know, you're getting frustrated, they could've shot, you know, I did something recently where we shot this whole scene, and then we got to lunch, and then they got to lunch and then they were like, all right, that's lunch. And like, we'd shot everything.

I was like, okay, we got everything. And then they were like, well, no, you know, we need to get this, we need to get like this, like a pickup over your shoulder holding something, you know, some pushing on a license or something like that. And I'm like, oh, okay, and I'm assuming, you know some some some pushing on a license or something like that and Like okay, and I'm assuming you know they're gonna We'll just do that after lunch then right right at the set that we were just on but no they had to like move to Another set and so then like you know lunch ends

Then nobody comes to get me and then it's like another couple hours, and I'm like what the heck and Go down, and I'm like hey, what's going on? And they're like oh, no we actually just shoot this this other stuff and then we'll we're gonna do yours thing Right before the end and I was like, oh like the last thing of the day This is gonna be like in and out, uh-huh You know in those situations there's you know, there are you know our worlds where people you know And maybe they have plans or whatever But we like really get really upset. Yeah, get really angry about that. I mean I'm on YouTube

I'm sitting my trailer watch YouTube like hit free food at the craft station You know whatever people gonna have said about shit like home, so it's like alright. I Guess I'll finish a TV show so it's like, all right, I guess I'll finish a TV show. What a bummer. Uninterrupted finish a TV show. And even on set antics are fun. You know, like when, you know, I think that's, and there is in the moment, it's also, you know,

you talked about like the levity, it's just, you know, like when you're doing like special effects or working with kids where like the takes are taking forever and it's not working out. But I don't know, there's, I feel like you'd benefit nothing by letting that kind of stuff get you angry. Yeah, but you'd be surprised. I have worked with some people where I'm like,

whoa, you're the grumpiest fucking person I've ever met in my whole life. You're mad about everything. Yeah. I don't get it. Hey, I don't either. I don't understand. It seems like such a waste of energy

to be angry about that kind of stuff. And it's just such a bad look. But you know when it's noticeable that you're the angry person? I think people think like, oh, maybe they feel like if they exude that, people are gonna be more like, I'm gonna do what they want me to do.

But it just makes people be like, this is a weird person who's angry. Yeah. And I don't like this vibe. And they're making a lot of money right now. I know. Yeah, per hour, you're making a shit ton of money. You're making a whole bunch of money right now.

I was on a show, I did like a couple episodes of something and same thing happened to me. They had me come in at like right after lunch and I was like, oh, I'm looking at your, the call sheet and it looks like you have a huge setup because it's the whole cast and it's five pages. I was like, can I go home and come back? And they were like, no. And I said, okay.

And then I napped for like five hours. It was lovely. I had a nice sleep. I loved it. Turn on the AC, put on a little, got a little blankie, got a little cozy. It's nice. Relax. What am I going to...

Take a walk. Why am I complaining? I'm so happy to work. I have a trailer? Oh my word. Isn't that fun? I fucking love a trailer. You know, I did a show recently with some actors who are from South Korea.

And over there, they have a different sort of etiquette when they're shooting, and they don't get trailers. The actors don't get like a trailer. There might be a room for like makeup. And for hair or something. But they have to, on their own money, mind you, they pay for a car and a driver. And that person brings them to the set, they give them like a place to park, and they can go hang out in the car and a driver. And that person brings them to set,

they give them like a place to park and they can go hang out in the car if they want. They can like, and then, you know, yeah. And then, and so, you know, I mean, gotta be grateful. Yeah, truly, a trailer is lovely. Even a teeny tiny trailer. Ooh! Oh, those three bangers where it's like,

you like three little rooms. A little honey wagon, oh, I'll take it. Sure. A little bathroom, a oh I'll take it. Sure. A little bathroom, a little bench, a desk. Will I do work? Yeah, what's the biggest trailer you've ever had? Just the Havsies, I've never had a full. You never had a full?

No. That's the dream. That's the dream. A full trailer. I've been in a few, I've gone in to see a couple of them and I'm like, wow man, they're still living it. And Are You Smarter Than A Celebrity, I got to see Travis Kelce them and I'm like, wow, man, they're still living it. And are you smarter than a celebrity? I got to see Travis Kelce's trailer.

It was lovely. I said, oh, my, oh, my, I moved right in. It's like a little studio apartment. Delightful. You worked on Key and Peele. Were you the whole run? Yeah, yeah, like a writer on the show? Yeah, for all the seasons? All the seasons. Was that a writer on the show? Yeah, for all the seasons?

All the seasons. Was that a fun writer's room? Yeah, of course, it was the best. I know, what a dumb question. We started at 10, we finished at like 2, 30, 3 o'clock. It was a great job. Wait, what? That's great.

Yeah. Those are nice hours. But also, I truly maintain maintain after like six hours, nothing funny is gonna happen. Go home. Go home and sleep on it. Yeah, chill out. What was your favorite sketch you wrote?

Oh my God, come on. Um. Um. I mean, some of my favorite ones, you know, the valets are one of my favorite sketches where the guys really love Liam Neeson's. Um. You know, I live, so when I first moved to LA,

I slept on Jordan's couch. And he was on Mad TV at the time. And so a lot of sketches in that show are kind of extrapolations on things that I would have said or did. Like Liam Neeson's,, that's me talking to him about this guy that I love, I love all Liam, and I'd just be in his living room just watching Liam Neeson's movies over and over again. So a lot of stuff kinda comes sort of from that,

the Terry's sketch comes from me being like, don't worry dude, anything goes down this plane. And him just being like, come't worry, dude, anything goes down this plane. And him just being like, come on, man, that's not happening. And so those are my favorite ones. And then some of my other, you know, like, there's a Power Falcon sketch that I wrote, Soul Food, where the two guys are at a Soul Food restaurant, they're trying to out order each other.

There's one, I know that you'll, I would imagine that you'll, I would imagine that you really liked it because I think it's just a funny performance one, but it was one with, it was about a show with a stage show about, called The Meetup, and it was like with Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. And the actors, the bit of the sketch is that

one of the actors gets a reaction from the audience, and they're like, ooh, the audience is like, yeah, okay, okay, okay. And so the other actor wants to get that feedback too, and so kind of starts changing the lines to hit strong notes and get the oohs and ahs. It's just so funny because people do do that. Where you're like, oh, you're changing the way you're talking

because I'm getting a laugh here, so what? Yeah, yeah that. Where you're like, oh, you're changing the way you're talking because I'm getting a laugh here. So, like, what are you... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a test. I love that, you know. Those kind of things. I love sketch comedy. Yeah.

It's so funny and silly. And it's just like, you could do any old thing. Anything. Just have the nicest time. Yeah. I had seen the Gremlin sketch before I saw the Gremlins movie. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on my hands being like, it's all true! It blew me away. Oh, dude, that sketch is so funny. Sometimes the funniest thing is just pointing out the weird shit that's going on that's real.

Yeah. It makes me think about this man at the airport who, it was just a weird thing that happened in real life. He, I was in the Delta Lounge, and he brought over... Flex. Yes, I'm a Delta Diamond diva. I say it every episode. He brought over a cup of cubed cheese, and then he ate it all. And then he came back with a plate of cubed cheese.

Oh. And then he ate it all, and then he came back with another plate of cubed cheese, took the cup he had it originally, put all the cheese in that cup, put a lid on that cup, and then put it in his backpack. Glass cup? No, it was like a to-go coffee cup. This man ate so much cheese in one sitting.

What kind of fucking cheese was it? It was just cubes of cheddar cheese. Something just hit right with the cheese for the guy, huh? He was like, oh my God. Oh, oh, oh, oh, what is this? Oh, just cubes of cheddar cheese. Something just hit right with the cheese for the guy. He was like, oh my God. Oh, oh, oh, oh, what is this? Oh, oh, this free cheese. Oh, it's slightly moist. Oh, this is for me.

You never know when he's in the airport. You never know where that guy came from. Maybe this is like the first cheese he's had in years. He was like, they just eat cheese freely here? He also has a shade of gray that I cannot describe to you. Gray. It sounds like this is an alien, dude. You described something an alien would do.

It felt like I was watching an alien. I was like, this is so unhinged, but it's happening directly in front of me. Act normal. Act normal. Act normal, humans like cheese. Cheese, cheese on the cup, take away cheese. There you go. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done?

Wow, the most romantic thing. Like the most romantic thing that's happened to me is my boyfriend took me to the Sonic themed cafe in Chino Hills. Okay. And to me is my boyfriend took me to the Sonic themed cafe in Chino Hills. Okay. And to me that was romantic because Batman does not like Sonic the way I like Sonic. I will drive you an hour to go eat subpar food in a sunglasses hut. It was just like a repurposed storefront.

The mascot wasn't even there, but you wouldn't know it. I was so happy. So yeah. I guess that's like going, I've gone to a cafe gratitude with Jessica before. I guess that's what we're talking about, romances. But you know one time we went on like a, we just kind of went on an open-ended just road trip.

We drove up to, gosh, what is it, San Luis Obispo? Ooh. We drove up there and it was, I think it was a, yeah, it was probably on Superstore at the time, it must have been. So I got like this, I kind was a, yeah, this was probably on Superstore at the time, it must have been. So I got like this, I kind of surprised, like with a really nice hotel room right on the coast,

this really nice hotel. We stayed there for a couple nights, and then we were like, oh, I guess it's time to go home, and we started driving home, and then I was like, no, let's just pull into something, and we pulled into like another little town, and just got another hotel, and we just hung out there for a couple days, and kind of slow-rolled it our way back to LA from there

I like that. That is romantic. That's very romantic We're gonna go here. Yeah, and we're gonna go here. I love how you say it San say it again Oh, San Luis Obispo. I call it San oopsie loopsie Oopsie loopsie because they have the Madonna in there. Have you been there? I haven't been to Madonna in but I remember seeing signs for it. Oh, it's so fabulous Loopsie Loopsie. So Loopsie Loopsie. Because they have the Madonna Inn there. Have you been there? I haven't been to the Madonna Inn, but I remember seeing signs for it. It's so fabulous.

I've also never been. And it doesn't have anything to do with the artist known as Madonna Inn? No, it's just themed rooms. And there's like rock showers in some of the rooms, and then there's like a pink room and like a tower room, where there's like a little tower in your room. And it's just so pretty. I've never stayed there, but I've like,

I've walked the grounds. And I really- You got another Sonic trip coming up. Oh, if he takes me there, I'll lose my mind. Because I also have pink champagne cake. I don't know what that is, but I've had it and it's good. You had it though, you've eaten the cake. Because I was on the grounds.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. I was lurking around Can you leave and I'm like, no, I don't want to please But I love that just like driving down stop it What's your favorite thing to do with your wife? Traveling was our favorite thing to do. But now you got them kids. Yeah, now it's just, our kids surviving, keeping our kids alive

is a wonderful thing to do with my wife. Try to keep our sanity is fun. Yeah, just kinda living it, doing it with her, you know? And I mean, just kinda having her be there and I'm there and, you know. I think that's really romantic. Anytime someone's like, I like doing life with this person. Yeah.

I just think that's so special. That's the best. Because it's hard to find somebody that you wanna just do life with and have like mundane moments where you're just like both silent but like enjoying each other's company. Like that's just so nice. I fucking love that.

There's also moments where we're like quiet and just totally angry at each other. Oh yeah, sure. But in your heart you're like, we'll get over it. Yeah, exactly. Real quick, we gotta take a break. I got into a fight with my boyfriend because I picked this restaurant for the vibes. And we hadn't gone, but I was like, let's go here.

And he was like pictures on the Internet. But then he did further research and was like, Nicole, they have pigs in a blanket for $40. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going here. Oh, like, would they make it there? They make the sausage there? One would think, but it truly looked like

they just shook him out of a box. And the way they put the mustard on wasn't even cute. And I was like, you're right, we can't go here. And I was so mad about it. I was just mad that he was right. Oh, you were mad that he was right about it? Yes. And then I went on Instagram

and everyone's pictures were all kind of shitty. And I was like, Instagram is a place to make things look better than they are. Instagram was even like, don't go. And that's the biggest fight we've had. That was the biggest, wait, so was the fight about that you were still mad even though you knew he was right? Yes. That was what biggest... Wait, so was the fight about that you were still mad even though you knew he was right?

Yes. That was what the fight was? Mm-hmm. And it wasn't like a true fight. I was just like, kind of salty. You... Does he know or is he just now finding out? No, he knows. We had a whole conversation about it. But that's like...

Did he have to be like, are you just mad that you were wrong? Yes, he did say those words. He did say those exact words, and I had to look him in the eye and go, yes, yes, I'm furious that I was wrong. That's good communication. Also, I had a dream about him, and I was like, in this dream, you had lipstick on you,

but I'm only wearing lip oil as of recent, so you kissed somebody else. And he was like, you know that's not me. And I was like, no, it was you. He was like, no, it wasn't. I was like, it's Dream You. I know it's not him, but he spent a long time being like, I need you to tell me that you understand that dreams are real.

And I was like, I'm not actually mad. Listen, I think I'm a real. Well, why were you bringing it up as a point if it wasn't something you were adding to your data set? You know what? I think that's probably why he was like, wait a second, what constitutes valid evidence in this conversation?

I never thought of it like that. Yeah. Because I'm just like, I'm sharing my dreams. And he's like, why are you coming at me like that? That wasn't me? That's your brain? That's not real. Okay, I imagine that I did everything right.

So... And that would be a valid argument. It's just as valid. That's so, I truly never thought of it from like that. I was just like, I'm mad! I was like, for real? No, I guess not, I don't know, but like you did do it. No, I didn't, okay.

As your wife ever- Well, you're gonna get mad. Has she ever gotten mad at you over like bullshit? Oh, over like something stupid? Yeah. Usually not, no, she doesn't usually get mad at me for anything stupid. She usually has a rightfully other reason to be upset. No, no, I did it.

You know, I mean, it's, you know, it usually comes down to sort of your thing. It's the, you know, at the end of the day, the emotions of getting angry are always harder processed than the actual content of what people are angry about, usually. And so it's kinda how you process, you know, the ego hit, the, you know, having to pivot, you know, yeah, when you have an idea and, you know, somebody's like, I don't know if that's gonna work out, and you're like, you're gotta, you're shooting my idea down, and then it's like, no, but look,

somebody took a shit on the floor and you're like, ah! And like, ah! It's kinda like, I, but look, somebody took a shit on the floor and you're like, ah! You know? It's kind of like when I think people stay so tied to sports teams and to political parties. It's like, you're like, no, I picked this thing and it's gonna be good, I can ignore the shit. I don't care, how many times?

How many pictures, just one? Well, then it's probably not gonna happen when we're there. Yeah. So, you know, it's, but yeah, she's usually right when she gets upset with me. She usually, because usually I'm the one who gets like frustrated, and it's usually just because of just talking, a lot of talking, like, that's what's harder for me

is just to have a longer conversation. Like, sometimes I need to just be like, okay, I have to take a break to process all the talking that we've just had. You got to talk a lot in relationships. And I feel like nobody talks about that. You got to talk about everything. Oh, you don't feel good today? Do you want to, you want to talk about it? I did something and you're upset with me.

I guess we have to talk about it. I did something and you're upset with me. I guess we have to talk about it. And I'm like, oh my God. What if we just decide to be fine? What if we just decide we just go, it's okay, don't worry about it. Well yeah, and you gotta, because you had to talk,

but you also gotta be able to go, okay, let's put a pin on this and we're just gonna be fine. And then we can come back, we'll finish talking about it. You said something earlier about the Dutch being very honest and direct.

It just reminded me, I just had a show in Austin where this man was like, I really liked this joke you had, but here's a better version of it. And I was like, whoa, what? It's like you just watched me perform for an hour and you got notes? I got a better idea.

But then it also didn't make sense. I was like, you didn't make this joke better. It wasn't better. You made it more convoluted. Has it ever happened to you where someone's like, I actually have a note for you from the audience? Oh man, wow. I don't think, I don't do like stand up really that much.

You know, so I don't think anybody, nobody's ever come, I mean I definitely have been like, people who come have been like, man if I would have gotten that suggestion, I would have dumped it. You know? And they're like, well alright. You know, you'll be like, oh yeah man,

oh that's great, you should sign up for classes, dude. But yeah, no, that's, that is fair, but yeah, I definitely had that situation where the person in the audience is kinda like, yeah man, if I was up there I could've done this or should've done that, you know. Which always, like it just blows me away cause I'm like, then do it.

Don't go to shows, go perform. Get up there, have a nice time. And then I had another guy be like, then do it. Don't go to shows, go perform. Get out there, have a nice time. And then I had another guy be like, man, you're funny, you gotta keep going. And I was like, oh, I was gonna quit tomorrow, but I met you. You gotta keep going. I'm gonna keep going, that's what I'ma do.

Yeah, well, people don't know what to say. Just go, I liked it, I had a nice time, a nice time. Yeah, but it's like they want to express how much of a connection they had. And yeah, giving a suggestion, you know, is sometimes people's way of like, you know, trying to show you that they care about something. Pineapple! You know, like those Dutch people,

they're being honest because they respect me, you know? Like to them, to tell me they just like the show and walk out would be like, that's disrespectful, because they're lying to me, you know? So. So funny, I can't lie. I simply can't lie to this stranger. Yeah.

Colton, here's a question. Okay. Do you have any advice for single people? My advice is like, don't make being single your identity. Just figure out like, just figure out who you are. You know, being single is just one aspect of your identity, and it's a powerful one, one that we should spend a lot of time talking about.

In probably an endless amount of discussion could be had on the idea. But my point is, you know, it's like, be where you are and enjoy it. And try to enjoy what that life means. And I'll say this to somebody who's married, enjoy not doing that. Even if that's your goal to be married and to have kids,

that's a great goal to achieve, but just make a list of basically everything and go, okay, I can never do this again, or I won't do this for four to five years. And even if I do do it, it's gonna be some weird truncated version of it. Going on a trip, going to the bar and ordering wings and watching a game.

You know, like go really enjoy those moments and just know that, you know, it's gonna happen. I got married, I was older, you know, my kids when I was older. You know, you don't have to, you know, feel like, especially in your 20s, just fucking live it, enjoy it, be single, mingle, also be fine not mingling, you know? Just get out there, be in yourself, enjoy it. Learn from the Dutch, you know?

Don't feel like you have to attack each person of interest on a one-on-one target, like find a group of people to hang out, find a group of improvisers or people who play adult league dodgeball or some other thing and hang out with a group, you know, and find partnership in that. I like that because some of my platonic friendships

are my most fulfilling friendships. For sure, man. I love my fucking friends. Dude, I miss my friends so much. You know, I can see, you know, I'm not like, I never see my friends, but you don't see them as much when you have kids. It's just harder when you have a kid.

When you have kids, and, you know, yeah. So yeah, enjoy those, enjoy those friend hangouts where you just meet up and go like, I guess we'll just go to the movie and stop at this random store afterwards, and, you know. Oh gosh, I wish. Speaking of movies. Wish I had nothing to do.

Have you seen A Working Man? Have I seen A Working Man? The movie. No. Jason Statham? Oh, is this a new action movie that's out? I haven't seen it. It's fun. Oh, it is? Yeah.

Last one I saw was The Beekeeper. Ooh, I love The Beekeeper. Okay, is this in the same world as The Beekeeper? It's not as good as The Beekeeper. Not as good as The Beekeeper, okay. It was one of my top movies of the year. But it's up there. What is he in this?

Is he a janitor or what is he? A working man. Okay. He is, he works at a construction site. So I think he's a foreman. Got it, okay. And he works for a family. Someone gets taken and he's gotta go get them.

He's gonna get this person back. It's great. I had a nice time. I like seeing Jason Statham movies in theaters because I feel like it's like fellowshipping. Everyone's there because we love Jason Statham. Oh yeah. And in the movie, someone goes,

he's a working man, and we all cheered. They say the title, they do the Kishler line. Oh, that's the best. Everyone cheered and I, oh. Oh man. I love the movies. I love that. Dude, I's the best. Everyone cheered and I oh. Oh man. I love the movies. I love that. Dude, I love those movies. My favorite moment of that is the movie 300.

When he kicks that dude down the well, man, the audience was like, Bad! This is bad! Everyone just is like, this is the best ever! I love it. I love it. I love when people are excited about things. Like, I don't know Minecraft, but I might go see it in theaters

because people are going nuts over a duck thing. It's insane right now when I'm hearing about this movie. I'll go see it. I like when people are having fun. Yeah. Did you play Minecraft? Nope. I know nothing about it. I mean, I played it when it first came out.

I don't know what it is. But then I kind of moved on, I didn't do it so much. And yeah, this blows my mind, because I have no idea what could possibly the movie be about. But not only that, but it's like, yeah, people are like, no, that's the thing from the game! Ah! Oh my God, fuck! This is, I gotta check this shit out.

Gotta go see it. Yeah. Well, Colton, we've come to the end. Oh man, always have to. Would you like to promote anything? You know what? I don't really have anything to promote. Hey, listen.

You follow me over on BlueSky. Yeah. At CaptainDope, C-A-P-T-D-O-P-E. Check me out. I think I'm on threads and Instagram and stuff like that, but come out to see a Ben Schwartz and Friends show. I might be there.

Yeah, who knows? You can always watch Superstore on Peacock. You can always watch The Recruit on Netflix. And Kea and Peele you can watch on YouTube or anywhere. On YouTube. Yup, they cut it up. Put it right out there. I won't get any money for it, so please, enjoy it.

You're welcome. I asked all my guests this. Would you date me? Well, wait, I already did though. Didn't we already? Oh yeah, we dated on Grand Cru. Nice save. What is this?

Why did you pull out papers on me? What's happening here? Because I am going to read you your scores. This was a test. Oh imagine. Nope This is just a dirty message that somebody sent me because you can like you could rate you can subscribe Give me five stars on Apple podcast And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com? I read it Oh, wow. Oh boy. What's up, Nicole is finally your time

I'm a rich handsome man, and I'd like to fly you out. I wanna get flown out so bad. Oh God. A limo will pick you up at the airport. Where have limos gone? I love a limo. Dude, limos, any limo that you get now is like all rusted out.

Disgusting, yes. And like horrible. You know what I'm writing on the boat? I love a limo. There's like asbestos in it. I love a limo. I'll pick you up at the airport and take you to meet me at dinner.

I'll pound that pussy like a road construction jackhammer. Hold on real quick though. Did he say he's gonna pick you up at the airport and take you to meet me at dinner. I'll pound that pussy like a road construction jackhammer. Wait, hold on real quick though. Did he say he's gonna pick you up at the airport, then take you to meet him at dinner? Oh, A. Limo will pick you up at the airport. Oh, okay, okay. I'm sorry. And take you to meet me at dinner. I'll pound that pussy like a road construction jackhammer.

Whoa. And I'll make you squirt like a public water fountain. Oh baby, I'll treat you so well get ready for our romantic beautiful date Appleton, Wisconsin Appleton, Wisconsin Scoundrel is in Appleton, Wisconsin Jesus Christ my man What the hell what's going on with the public drinking fountains

in Appleton? What is he doing to them? Everyone is unwell. The worst one was somebody said they wanted to flip me upside down, fill me with clam chowder, and then spoon it out. And that one really has, I have mentioned this so many times, because it really stuck with me.

I was like, I have to work, I have to be in a handstand, and you go, fill me with hot, hot clam chowder? That's so... And then I have to keep my legs open for you to access it? It just seems so, like, redundant. Why are you putting... Just to spoon it out. Just drink the clam chowder if you want clam chowder. Yep, they want the extra step ladling it in. And you're like, that's the ball.

-♪ MUSIC PLAYING -♪ Thank you for doing this, Colin. Thanks for having me. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kometay.

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Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch videos. God, in three. Watch it on the YouTube. There's new episodes that we release every Wednesday. We do. I've never seen you cry before. I know.

I don't know how I feel about it. This is upsetting for all of us. They don't let us prank for lunch. They do. The podcast is so competitive, they make you just talk it to me. Guys, we're watching a spin out. Please subscribe.

Oh man. Extraordinarians. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson and I host the HeadGum podcast, We're Here to Help with my partner, Gareth Reynolds. We're Here to Help is a call and advice show. Think car talk from back in the day. We're determined to help fix life's dumbest problems. We also have guest helpers join us from the entire cast of New Girl to Michael Cera, Andy

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